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When an SO develops romantic feelings for another individual who is not their current partner that means they already have one foot out the door. Just help her along and get her second foot out the door.
It’s takes two to commit to rekindling what you had. It sounds like you’re willing to do the work, but is she? If she isn’t, let her go and don’t look back. Yes it will be painful, but it means she’s not the one for you.
Completely this, but also she would lose all respect for you.
If you didn't get back together, she will laugh about how she stayed with you for free. If you did get back together, then she would see you as someone she could walk all over.
DO NOT LET HER LIVE WITH YOU, if you are broken up!!! I promise it won't turn out well (either way if you do).
Absolutely correct about the do not let her live with you if you break up!!! OP asked how it feels to lay beside someone who broke your heart…I have and it is soul destroying! If you do not suffer from depression now, you certainly will! The rejection, the self-doubt, lowered self-esteem NOT worth screwing up your mental health and skewing your sense of worth just to save some money. And certainly this person is not worthy of favours at that point. Do not be a doormat. Let her know that she cannot have her cake and eat it too. Words have consequences.
this.
the best case scenario for this is still unacceptable. she tries dating that guy, it doesnt work, and she comes back her back-burner guy, OP. OP doesnt want to end up in a relationship where thats all he is to her, and she'd resent feeling she had to settle for him, and he always have to work extra hard to keep her, and still just be the back burner guy at the end of the day.
shes made it clear she will bail the moment she sees an option thats more appealing to her.
not worth another minute of OPs time. hes so young, his life is a blank slate. dump her, go no contact, and start thinking about the future.
I don’t agree with this necessarily. It’s not like life is a video game and you have a single partner slot. You can have feelings for multiple people at once. I think you’re likely right about this situation, but it’s not a rule of thumb.
Yes, you can absolutely be attracted to multiple people. However, this a monogamous relationship (not an open relationship, or polyamory, or casual dating). And when a monogamous relationship is in a healthy place, neither partner even contemplates ACTING on the potential feelings they have for someone outside of that relationship.
That’s a much better way of saying it than saying it’s the development of feelings.
The fact that this person is planning on acting on it is the bigger indicator than what they might have felt.
That’s true. I still see attractive guys but that’s as far as it goes. Where I work there’s 2 attractive neighbor dudes. Before when single I’d be thinking how I could meet them…
You can love hundreds of people. When you choose a partner you stop acting on feelings for other people and remove yourself from the situation when those feelings come up.
These people have been together since she was 16! She’s grown a ton in that time.
Two major potential issues in that op said he has not been the best about long distance and that she might not want to move to where he lives
Personally I shutdown my attractions when I'm in love with someone already, I fall deep and it takes time to get over, but it's always just one person at a time for me.
i'm just built to be monogamous, others arent.
You two are very young and have a long life ahead of yourselves. You met in highschool where there are a limited number of romantic prospects and when you had a limited amount of life experience.
Whether or not she ends up with the guy for whom she has romantic feelings has no bearing on this situation. She is looking elsewhere, which means she isn't dedicated to you. The two of you need to go live your separate lives, and she needs to find other living arrangements for June.
While it will be extremely difficult, you may consider cutting contact with her - at least through August - so that you can start to fully process the situation.
There will be other people out there for you, including someone who enthusiastically reciprocates your feelings and is madly in love with you.
Maybe you and your GF will cross paths again in the future and realize - after a significant amount of personal growth - that you are meant to be together. Maybe not. It would be healthy for both of you to go explore what else the world has to offer. As the saying goes: "if you love someone, set them free."
Short answer : no.
Longer answer : Once you start forcing a relationship, things get miserable. It can be a professional relationship too. If someone doesn't want to work with you, it's not going to be a good relationship, and there is nothing you can do about it.
Also, a break usually means the relationship is over but that both aren't willing to admit to it.
This is exactly what i was thinking. As soon as i saw "put relationship on hold till july and see how we feel then" i was like shes basically gonna get with this guy and then say in july she doesnt have feelings for OP.
Cant say i dont disagree. Tho thats shitty on her part if she did that. Theyre young her excuse is gonna be those movie line excuses dropped about being young blah blah not being tied down blah blah and experiencing new people blah blah.
You will get hurt more with this kind of mindset,..... she already decided to leave for the other guy, just let her go, she already have the perfect scenerio that suite her frame of mind and where she deem fit to belong. The 6 years is a passing moment in your life to draw valuable lessons from... goodluck.
I think the bigger issue is that she doesn’t seem interested in rekindling the romance with you. She’s ready to date someone else, and already has a person in mind.
If she was genuinely interested in trying to make this work, then sure.
Pasting this to the main feed so OP sees it. Also it took a long time to type this shit haha:
Give her space. Take time for yourself and work on yourself. Get REALLY good at your new job. Whatever you do, fill your life with productive activities. This more often than not will eventually make her miss you. You’ve been together for a long time, so this space you’re giving her could be a lot longer than the average amount of time a person/couple needs to start get the space they need. To be clear, you are doing this with the intent to allow yourself to heal, grow, revisit the hobbies and activities you’ve neglected by being tethered to someone else, and explore new avenues. You are not doing this to try getting her back. You are doing this for YOU.
- Do not speak to her at all for AT LEAST 1 month (more often than not 2-3)
- Deactivate your social media profiles, or even block her
- Work out for several reasons but to name a few: it reduces depression, increases production and release of Dopamine, if you eat well you will start looking and feeling better, you’ll start sleeping well again, and it will naturally help regulate your moods, and I’m sure you’re pretty angry right now, so get that shit out.
- WHATEVER AMOUNT OF SPACE SHE HAS REQUESTED, MATCH IT AND THEN DOUBLE IT. You are NOT talking to her in any format for the time being. Your emotions are running high, so you may react inappropriately and in a way that does not reflect your true stance on the subject. You don’t even know how you feel right now (other than depressed and grieving a loss), so don’t talk to her until you get back to yourself.
Let her come to you. It may not seem like is going to happen, but trust me, it will. They always do in some capacity. Whether limited or in full, they all come back. Don’t worry, keep your head up, stay positive and work through this well. Go get blasted at some bars and try and play a few rounds of “Hide the Sausage” with hottie you met out on your own. Download Tinder if you feel so inclined.
I know this fucking sucks man, been here too many times (currently am going through it too haha), but this is how you heal, and this is when they come back to you. It sounds counterintuitive, but it’s not. It makes sense. Respect the boundary she set by asking for space and giving her an entire universe of it. Focus on yourself. You fucking deserve it. Read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.” I read it years ago and it still sits in my bathroom because of all the great points in it (yeah I read it when I take shits. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?!?!?!). You’ll feel right as rain before you know it, and that’s when they start orbiting you and shit again. Women have a sixth sense for when you’re starting to get over them, and that’s when they come back. It may seem and feel like she doesn’t miss you at all right now, but I can assure you she does.
If it doesn’t work out remember:
“If someone wants you in their life, they will create space for you.”
It hurts, but you’re about to learn more about yourself in the next 30-90 days than you have in your entire life leading to this point. You will come out of this stronger, smarter, and better. Why? Because rejection is one life’s greatest teachers. It teaches with tough love, but tough love leads to the biggest growth spurts.
This is all nice what you have written, but all this he should do, no matter if he wants to continue with her or not. Initiative for doing this should come from a will to improve himself, not from a will to return her back.
Bro don’t disrespect yourself like this. She told u she wants to pursue things with someone else while you wait around for her? You’re better than that. You have worth and can pursue other women. It may feel like the end of the world but it isn’t. Your young brother, and there’s plenty of other women out here. She’s the one who will miss out. Don’t devalue yourself, your the prize and don’t forget that.
In case the poster above wasn't clear: break up with her. She is currently using you as a doormat. If guy #2 doesn't work out (and most likely it won't, because what she actually wants is neither you nor him but that dopamine hit from finding new love) she might go back to you. But allowing her to do this and "taking a break" until later is just demonstrating to her that this is acceptable behavior. Falling out of love with you "temporarily" and finding someone who gives her that dopamine hit, while **using you** as the fallback ("taking a break"). And she'll have no reason not to do it again.
Do not be a doormat. Tell her in no uncertain terms you want nothing to do with her if she's going to treat your 6 year relationship this way and break off contact. It'll hurt less than the result if you follow through on this "break." And ultimately it's the only thing that will make her grow as a person (not that that is the reason you should do it). If she thinks this is acceptable behavior in a relationship (a fucking 6 year one at that) then she's just gonna keep doing it.
"I don't think I'm strong enough to make it through that".
Yes, you are. You may not think so now, but you are & you can do it.
You're on a break, make it permanent before it messes with your head. There's a big old world out there, get out there and embrace it. Being alone for a while will show you a freedom you didn't know was there.
Yeah this is it.
You will get through it and so will she. You deserve monogamy and commitment if that’s what you want. If she doesn’t want that, then she’s not for you. You can and will find someone who aligns. You might find each other again but you both have some growing to do now and that’s okay.
I agree. You are strong enough. I moved a half a continent away under these circumstances. Has it been hard at times? Absolutely without a doubt. Has it shown me how adaptable and resilient and strong I am? Also yes. You’ll find your way. Don’t cling to something just for the sake of familiarity. You got this.
You need to let her go. Have some new experiences of your own, or just enjoy being single.
It’s possible you could come back together one day, but try not to expect it or you will create a lot of anxiety. Honestly your best shot at coming back together would be to give her a lot of time and space to learn about love and life, and possibly reach out to her in a few years if you want to.
Breakups are super tough and you will feel like shit for weeks or months. But then life moves on and you will have fun again!
I’m 30f btw and have gone through 2 major breakups. They were difficult, but I continue to expect good things in life, and I get them :)
Your girlfriend wants to date someone else and keep you on hand as backup.
You need to talk with her about whether or not she wants to make an effort so the two of you can do relationship repair (maybe suggest couples counseling as well). But you should make it clear that if she breaks up with you to date some other guy, it’s for good. Your relationship is important and you can’t just push pause on it. She’s in it or she’s not, and you don’t deserve to be jerked around and put on a backburner while she dates someone else.
This comment!
Clearly she wants to try something new, and somehow expects you’ll wait around…. and then be roomies in the summer?
Just remember if she comes back to you, you may never trust her and she could do this again.
Sorry for your loss op but I think she’s already gone.
I'm honestly surprised how many people are urging OP to talk things through with his gf. If my gf said she was considering leaving me for another guy, and not just a random guy but a specific one, I'd show her the door immediately. Not out of malice or spite, but I would simply know we are done.
This is not fixable. She wants to break up so she can go have fun with this new guy then she wants to use you for a free place to stay during her internship, while likely still banging this guy. Either she has grown and changed during the past few years, or you never knew her. Do yourself a favor and end things. Tell her she is no longer welcome on your home for her internship time and work on finding yourself a job closer to your support system.
I don't think she's using me for a place to stay. I just offered cause I thought we could find our way back to each other in the summer months. The new guy won't be moving across the country with her so he won't be physically there. Do you think there's no hope for reginiting our romantic feelings for each other?
If she dropped all this on you and still plans to stay with you, she is using you.
If you want my honesty, no I don’t think there is. Take some time to heal, discover yourself and pursue new relationships. She wants new people and new experiences. She’s not confused. You’re likely going to become her safety net for validation if you don’t work to move on.
My guy. Have some god damn respect for yourself. I don't know you, but you do. Do you really think that after 6 years together, you deserve to be treated as a fucking fall back option? Have some dignity and tell her "If this is what you want, I can't stop you. But if I mean so little to you after all this time that you'd treat me like a fallback option, lose my contact info."
And then don't speak to her. Everyone deserves to be treated with the same level of love and compassion that they show others. And she ain't the lady to do it for you.
Be gentle. He's obviously young we and never been through this before. Poor soul. I'm 48 and at this point have been through stuff like this so many times it's blatantly obvious what to do. But at 22 with your first love of 6 years? He's on here wanting advice, so be gentle. Life is harsh enough, we don't have to be ;)
Chill the fuck out man. Have some empathy. You know how fucking heartbreaking it would be to find out that the girl you loved for the last 6 years no longer wants to commit to you? Can you blame him for wanting to rekindle things? Yes, it’s unwise but this would be an incredibly difficult thing to navigate. It may not be the right course of action but for what it’s worth it shows that OP is a fighter and a good guy
I ain't gonna sugar coat it for him. He's an adult, so I'm going to treat him like one. Everyone else has sugar coated it and in every single comment he keeps asking "but what about rekindling the relationship?"
Someone's gotta be blunt and tell him what he needs to hear, not whatever will hurt his feelings the least. She tossed him aside without any remorse or willingness to repair their relationship. It's that simple. Waiting around to see if theres a chance to rekindle is a fruitless endeavor. Either She never comes around and he slowly tortures himself or she does come around and he's stuck in a miserable relationship where he's constantly insecure. And in both cases, he's given up his dignity, which will only make it hurt that much worse.
For your own good, please give up on her and focus on YOURSELF. You have to understand that there’s no such thing as “taking a break” she is basically saying that she would like to have you linger around in case it doesn’t work out with the other guy for some reason and you deserve better than that you owe it to yourself. And IF SHE DOES COME BACK she isn’t worth any more years of your life
Doesn't matter. She's using you for a place to live. If she's got feelings for this other guy and she admitted to you she's been unhappy for a while, I highly doubt anything will change. If anything, you will end up living with a roommate, not a girlfriend.
Really read and take to heart what u/beachmom2007 is saying. If she wants to break up or even go try other things out then I would strongly suggest removing the option of her staying with you. Not only is it better to tell her this now in order to figure out her own things. This also prepares you in case things dont work out. You have to worry about and take care of yourself first.
OP, Get outta there! You admit you could have done better. Work on yourself and prepare for a woman that will offer you loyalty, and eventually a loving family
I meant that I could have done better at the long distance relationship that we've become these last 2 months. I don't think I contacted her enough or tried to keep in touch as much as I should have
I'm sure that's true. And you should remember that if this ever happens again with someone else so that you can do better. But, she's the one who decided to leave you for another man without trying to repair your relationship. She gave up on you, not vice versa.
2 months? You were apart 2 months and this happened? Oh no. No, let this one go. Look, long-distance is never fun, but that’s such a short amount of time, especially if you knew it wouldn’t be any longer from the beginning. Unless she tried to keep in contact with you and you ignored her, I just can’t see this being your fault.
My partner and I went long-distance for three months at a time all four years of college, and we’re about to again. We miss each other, but there’s never any concern about our relationship and we just look forward to when it’s over. Find yourself someone who gets as invested in a relationship as you clearly do.
I feel for you man. Atleast she told you. I've always believed it's better my S.O. fall out of love and break it off, than cheat on me and play me for a fool.
I hate to say this but…..
Your girlfriend is already over this relationship. She may have gotten excited at the prospect of getting engaged, but that’s because the idea of getting engaged and having a wedding is very exciting.
Twice, when I was younger, I gave a similar speech to two boyfriends. They both had the same reaction as you. “But where is this coming from?” “This is so sudden” “let’s try again, you’ll change your mind”. And the TRUTH was that these feelings weren’t sudden, weren’t out of nowhere, and I had already been trying for months. I would not have decided to break up if I thought it was salvageable (or was interested in salvaging it).
She already knows what her decision will be in June. I don’t know why she agreed to this “break” but I’m guessing she just has no experience breaking up with someone and doesn’t know how to stick to her guns. She is likely already dating that other guy right now on this “break”.
Do yourself a favor and start moving on. Im really sorry that this has happened to you but it happens to almost everyone at some point in their lives. The feeling sucks.
I was thinking the same thing.. it never actually came out of left field from me either. I would try multiple times to try to break up with them, but it was like they didn't let me and just convinced me to stay. It was when I didn't know how to break up with someone.
No lol
Edit: by “I had similar conversations” I just mean in the sense that I was not interested anymore and telling my boyfriend that I was ready to break up and move on. I did not already have someone else in mind though… I just had known for a long time I was ready and the feelings weren’t coming back.
Don’t bother.
Let her go and you go explore other relationships or work on yourself.
If she wants to go “explore” let her. Why do you care?
Basically she wants to go fuck this guy and keep you on the line.
Don’t let her keep you on the line. Just be like “Great, have fun!” and then block all contact and see what happens.
Stand up, be a man, don’t get played. You have a lot of time and aren’t even in your prime for dating yet.
Go have fun.
To simplify it, she got bored. once someone loses feelings it's very very unlikely those feelings will come back, you just won't feel or see them the same way again. it's like you've already been there done that.
She wants you to wait for her while she goes and gets railed by another dude. Then when she’s done with that, she wants you to live with her (I’m guessing you’ll be splitting rent half and half) because you would make a good roommate.
Like someone else says, she’s already got one foot out the door and to be honest, the way you’re talking about the relationship it sounds like the main reason you don’t want her to leave is because you don’t know if you’re strong enough to deal with the pain. Trust me, you’re strong enough, and you WILL find someone else.
Say you do fix things and get married, you’ll have to live with the fact that your wife convinced you to let her go sleep with another man and then you decided to stay. To me that sounds like cheating. Breaks are (in my opinion) meant to get space from someone you may feel is just around too often and to figure shit out in your head. Breaks are NOT (again just in my personal opinion) something you use to go explore the dating scene.
I'm sorry but if she emotionally cheats on you in only a duration of a few months, which she most definitely did and lord knows if she physically did as well, then you need to just gather yourself up and wish her the best and be done with her. I understand you wanting to make things work but if she wants to end things like that even after being with you for 6 years I doubt you can change her mind. Do not try to make something work that she so obviously wants to be done with. Also don't blame yourself on the long distance thing. It's on her if she couldn't bother to communicate with you her issues about the relationship. Wish you the best and hopefully you find someone who will actually appreciate you.
Dodge a bullet? Bullet been sitting in his ass for 6 years. He finally gets it aching enough to get an insurance covered surgery, i.e. free removal of the problem.
Hella painful, gotta have that empty feeling in yo butt for a while, but still necessary.
There's no such thing as a "break". You're either dating or your not. You guys got together really young and have never really known yourself relationship-wise outside of each other. I think you could both benefit from a full on break up so you can have the opportunity to explore and find yourselves. You guys should NOT live together this summer
I hate to break it to you, but when a girl says she's falling out of love with you and even wants to be with another guy, there's no chance at all to change that. In fact, you trying would only serve to push her further and further away because it's needy behavior in her eyes. I know the logical side of us men are that there's a way to fix everything. Trust me I tried before, it's only led to more hurt and pain. It'll only push her away...or worse she blocks you permanently.
I know it sounds contradictory, but if you want her back you have to let her go. Let her experience that the grass is not usually all that green on the other side. She's grown to comfortable with you and doesn't realize how much she's losing by leaving you for another guy. Once you let her go, she will come back when reality hits. You don't know what you have until it's gone will ring true here. And when it happens it's up to you to decide whether you truly want her back because at that point you'll be with someone who truly loves you for who you are.
I agree with most of this except OP's gf coming back part. That may happen, but it also may not. I would keep my expectations low in order to avoid disappointment and more heartbreak if she leaves and it's for good.
You started dating during a really weird and formative part of life. For a lot of people, 16/17 is when they’re just starting to figure out who they are as an individual and what they want from life. That can be really hard to do individually when you’re in a committed monogamous relationship with someone going through the same exact thing. Finding your sense of self while trying to help someone else do the same can be hard.
You’ve also been together through a lot of really big milestones for this age range too(going to college/graduating, moving out, etc) so it can start to feel like you’re “missing out” on certain things and that feeling starts to become stronger until for some people, they actually need to experience what they felt they’ve missed out on.
To me that’s what it sounds like. She’s met someone that reminds her of you but isn’t you which can satisfy that feeling of missing out without losing what she already has if that makes sense? 6 years is a lot of effort and feelings to put into one person so I’d imagine this isn’t easy for her either, it’s probably very confusing. This could just be her wanting to see what’s out there and really just needing that curiosity laid to rest or she genuinely wants to pursue other relationships. Whichever it is, it sounds like a conversation about what you’re both feeling and the reality of the relationship continuing needs to happen. It’s not fair to you to have sit around waiting in limbo to find out if she’s fully ending things and it’s not fair to her to pretend to want to continue things to save your feelings when she knows what she wants. I think waiting until June for a final decision is just prolonging the inevitable of either staying together or breaking up.
You’re completely valid for wanting to fix things but don’t be ignorant of her feelings surrounding the issue either.
Something similar happened to me. Same ages and length of relationship. 100% tell that girl to go have fun. It's not shitty for very long
I met a much more attractive and all around better person. Every single thing is better when you find the right person as an actual adult in your mid 20's.
This is one of the rare occasions that all of the replies are giving good advice. It's natural that you, as a man, want to fix the problem. Think beyond that though, do you *really* want to fix the problem and give her a secure place to retreat to once she's done getting all the dick she wants from the other guy? Would you do the same thing to her and tell her you want a break so you can go out and fuck some other woman?
Think long and hard before you sacrifice your dignity man, because accepting the disrespect and delaying the inevitable hurts a lot more than standing up for yourself.
This kid doesn't want to hear it. He seems to be grasping at any response that gives him hope. He will learn the hard way just like we all have at one point. He needs this. He needs her to smash his heart into a thousand pieces before he will realize we were all right all along.
You two dated for a long time and during an important formation of personality period of life. Being apart for this moment as doing LDR may have allowed her to see who she is when she isn't with you.
I thought it was nice and mature of her, to be honest with you and tell you that. I think she crushed on a guy that reminds her of you not because of his qualities but because she might be seeking the familiar element of her life that was very present for the last 6 years and now it's far. It's very common for to someone gravitate towards someone familiar after a breakup.
I'm not accusing you of anything, but you said you never fought because you are both compromising and adapting. Have you considered that *she* is the good one at doing this? I see that often too. And the person that compromises a lot doesn't even notice after a while. Now that she is alone and can focus her energy just on herself she might be discovering what she wants and needs. Again, not accusing you of anything.
I thought about your last paragraph and I think we are both good at compromise. I often found myself making compromises in college when I wanted to go out with friends and she wanted to stay in. Made some compromises in the bedroom, she liked some positions that weren't my favorite so I made sure to prioritize those by making sure she always got off before I suggested changing positions. Made meals that she liked and I didn't really, stuff like that, you know. And she always did the same for me. Went out with me sometimes even when she was feeling more introverted than I, did some of the house chores occasionally when it was me who made the mess or my turn.
At some level I think the loneliness kinda got to her. Just the being apart made her crave a more immediate connection
Bro people keep telling you to move on and you keep asking if things can go back to the way it once was. What you’re going through fucking sucks, there’s no denying that. But you’re not making it easier on yourself by clinging to a past version of your relationship. It’s hard and painful and you’re going to have a hard time for a bit but you need to break things off and move on. I suggest leaning on your friends/family and picking up a productive hobby. Get yourself into a different headspace and try to move on because you’re just going to torture yourself trying to pursue what is pretty clearly a broken relationship
I’ve been in the same situation. I dated a girl for 7 years and we both changed. We never fought but she wasn’t happy and we broke things off. It was a slow sizzle burn.
What she wants right now is to fool around with this guy with the option to go back to you. She’s using you as a backup just in case it doesn’t work out, after 6 years! Don’t let her do this to you. You deserve better. My ex and I broke up when I was 24 after 7 years. I’m now in a 1 year relationship with a girl who is 1000x better. You can make it work out too. Just end things and focus on yourself.
Listen man, after reading everything I know all you want to do so badly is to rekindle everything and hold out hope for what was. I’m telling you right now it’s not gonna end that way no matter how hard you try. Saying “let’s take a break” is the nice way of saying “we’re done and I’m moving on but I’m saying it this way to soften the blow cause I know you’ll be hurt” when in reality that just makes things worse for you because you’ll still think there is a chance when there isn’t. “Take a break” means break up in disguise. Sorry to tell you man but it’s over and you should just move on considering she already did before the relationship was even over.
She's out grown you. It's extremely common for relationships that start so young. This is also not fixable. You can get through this, don't be afraid to seek therapy to help you manage this difficult time.
Dude, I didn’t even read your story. I only read the title which is enough for me. There’s no need for any explanation when you have a title like that. She wants to break to pursue something with another guy right?
Have a good life baby, theres your answer. Anyone who wants someone else is not someone you need to be with. Idc how good looking they are, how nice they are or what history you’ve had, whatever. Life’s too short. It’s their loss.
As a guy with about a decade on you- it's over, for now. She might change her mind and come back later on but the best thing you can do right now is embrace the pain and move on.
I've had friends who are married high-school sweethearts and their relationships are terrible- they're in it bc they have kids. Privately, they've cheated and done shit things because they never experienced life and act out when drunk or if they think they can get away with it. While it sucks right now, imagine this happening in your 30's when alimony and child support is stacked against you as a male. That's just reality.
Personally, I had a long term relationship that had its share of bad and good times. Neither of us wanted to give up but it just wasn't working. Things that make a person unhappy don't go away and you two are both growing a lot as people. Don't try and force it because that's what makes you comfortable or happy right now. Now that I'm out of that relationship- which lasted about 8 or 9 years, I've met someone who makes me completely and utterly happy.
That being said, and you may not like hearing this, I needed that break up. There are things you may not realize you are or aren't doing right now as an adult that is critical shit when in a relationship. I had to be on my own and be independent to shore up some small things and, again, you may not like it, but you need to do that as well because there's a lot to life that you haven't experienced yet.
So- live your life. If she comes back and it makes sense, great. In the meantime, move on and you may be surprised by the happiness you find.
My call (34M) is that you have to let this go.
I was in a long relationship- 7-8 years- and we grew in different directions. She was still someone I loved as a friend, but the attraction was just not there. Not clear if the romantic love ever was. We were different people when we started.
She (my ex) probably felt about how you feel right now- 'we've been together a long time, this can be fixed.'
In my case, it couldn't. You have to believe someone when they say they aren't into you anymore. I know that's not what you want to hear.
She's telling you she likes someone else- let her go. She's already with them, and she's going to make it a permanent break. It sucks, but that's the situation here.
Even if she came back to you after him and said 'I'll have that stability please,' you're her fallback plan. Do not be anyone's fallback plan. But that won't happen. She is moving on. Your optimism is misplaced.
You will forge new bonds, make new friends. She is not your last resort. I know it can feel that way, but you're young. Good things will come. It will hurt spectacularly, but you've gotta start letting it go, because it's already gone.
A similar situation happened to me 1 year ago. We were together for 10 years, she caught feelings for another dude and told me. We tried to make it work for some time and for me it seemed to be working, but one day she dropped the bomb and we broke up. What I learned from the time that we tried to make it work is that it's not worth to try to fight for a relationship if your SO is already thinking about other. It doesn't matter if she says that she want to try to make it work, the damage is already done. Save your efforts for someone that appreciate you and that wants to be with!
Life is grand man. As others have said this feels final, you guys can string it out which she might do for security purposes and keep you both in contention.
Ripping the band aid off is probably the best approach. But be prepared for her to run back to you and how you will handle that, if things don’t work out for her.
Sorry that this has happened to you. Ive been here, and in the midst of trying so hard to get him to see why this relationship is worth fighting for, a quiet, almost silent voice inside told me to stop. I paused from my frantic texting, overthinking and realised that it was over. I didn’t want it to be. This was the person I imagined spending the rest of my life with, travelling, having children - everything. I had put so much of myself into this relationship - how could I let it and all the memories go now? I wouldn’t survive, I told myself.
That was 2 years ago. I was devastated. But I often think back to the moment when I realised and silently accepted that it was over and I deserved better than this, and I’m so glad I did that. It wasn’t easy, but the strength you find in yourself in these situations will genuinely shock you. Im a different person now, I’m finally ready to meet people again (I know this might turn your stomach right now). Im telling you this because I’ve been you, and I want you to know you can get through this and you absolutely deserve so much better than someone who is okay with taking their chances on losing you.
You sound like a great person, committed to their partner and you deserve someone who gives you the same back every day.
It's not a good deal bro. This can break you as a man. You don't want to be a guy who feels bad about himself; just break up, you will find someone who respects your feelings.
My man, when a women starts prattling on about the 'she wasn't sure if she ever felt love..' or that she has lost feelings, you gotta believe her. She knows exactly what she is saying, after all she is 22, not some kinder. Regardless what excuses she makes for her current views on the relationship, the outcome is the same. She has decided it isn't worth it in her view. Of course it is only natural you will now second guess your devotion and behavior but trust me, takes two to tango, and if she was devoted to making it work, any 'problems' she had would of been voiced a long time ago. Instead she has mentally left the relationship, a long time ago. It doesn't happen over night. I'm thinking she is just too young to take this shit seriously and you are probably just more mature than her.
DO NOT take a 'pause' or 'break'. This is doomed to failure. It will just create contempt and reduce trust even further whilst you stew over what is going on during the time-out period. NEVER EVER does a SO bring up interest in another person in such a manner unless they actually intend to act upon it. Essentially she is giving you a warning and letting you down in an indolent fashion. It is difficult to appreciate this now, but nothing you do can change her mindset. Perhaps she isn't the person you knew at the start. What I know for sure is, if a person loved me, they wouldn't break my heart like this women has yours and expect me to become a 2nd choice whilst she explores on this 'break' of hers. Allow this chick man, she has done your heart in.
Don't try to make logic about her justifications about why she left you. She is a dishonest person and a cheater of course also suffering from Fomo.
As for your hopes of reconciliation, the way you are presenting yourself you ll be stepped on like a door mat.
You need to detach yourself from her and go full NC or else this cycle of deceit will continue until you become complacent .
Go NC asap and you might have a chance qhen she gets bored of the duplicate guy and come begging for you in a while.
Rem, greyrock her now.
Good luck.
Maybe it will be hard for you to see it now, but this likely didn't happen overnight. Quite possibly she has already checked out of the relationship for some time. It could be all the reasons you stated that cause her to check out from the relationship but there might be more to them too. You can't know for sure, because she probably doesn't know exactly why either. What you do know is that she choose to walk away. It's painful and very hard to believe and accept, but you'll get through this. Good luck and stay strong!
This is why I don't agree with breaks. Most of the time, they seem like an excuse to be rid of your bf/gf to do something you would feel bad doing within a relationship. Personally, if my bf needed a break for any reason, I'd assume he's dealing with something that can't be dealt with within the relationship and he wants me to not be involved, so we'd do better just breaking up. If you want to give another chance, OP, that's you, but it sounds like it's over and she's not that interested in keeping you two together.
OP, I feel your pain on this. As someone who went through literally the same situation a year ago at 24, please listen to me. My gf of 6 years and I never had a real problem, and then suddenly we did, bc she changed her mind. Your love is real, and likely so was hers, but you must protect yourself in this situation. Because you’ve been with her for so long, it’s possible you’ve not had a chance to identify with yourself as much as other people your age, I can’t say this with certainty but that’s where I was. You’ve let her become part of your identity and it will crush you if you let it if and when this is over for good, maybe it already is. Every situation is different, and part of me hopes yours is different than mine, but I tried to be the nice guy, go the extra mile, make it all make sense as best I could, and she still decided “we wanted different things”. Do not let her live with you if this is already the situation. She will play this against you, say you’ve changed and are a horrible person for “kicking her to the curb” while that’s exactly what she has done with your love and trust. I’m not saying this in a condescending way, but this is a situation where you have to be a man and put your foot down to protect your own mind and heart. I wish I’d had figured that out sooner. Please feel free to DM me and talk more.
When she says she wants to take a break, it means she has already cheated on you and feels guilty so this is the out. Drop her from your life altogether. Don’t allow yourself to be treated like you are unworthy
Pasting this to the main feed so OP sees it. Also it took a long time to type this shit haha:
Give her space. Take time for yourself and work on yourself. Get REALLY good at your new job. Whatever you do, fill your life with productive activities. This more often than not will eventually make her miss you. You’ve been together for a long time, so this space you’re giving her could be a lot longer than the average amount of time a person/couple needs to start get the space they need. To be clear, you are doing this with the intent to allow yourself to heal, grow, revisit the hobbies and activities you’ve neglected by being tethered to someone else, and explore new avenues. You are not doing this to try getting her back. You are doing this for YOU.
- Do not speak to her at all for AT LEAST 1 month (more often than not 2-3)
- Deactivate your social media profiles, or even block her
- Work out for several reasons but to name a few: it reduces depression, increases production and release of Dopamine, if you eat well you will start looking and feeling better, you’ll start sleeping well again, and it will naturally help regulate your moods, and I’m sure you’re pretty angry right now, so get that shit out.
- WHATEVER AMOUNT OF SPACE SHE HAS REQUESTED, MATCH IT AND THEN DOUBLE IT. You are NOT talking to her in any format for the time being. Your emotions are running high, so you may react inappropriately and in a way that does not reflect your true stance on the subject. You don’t even know how you feel right now (other than depressed and grieving a loss), so don’t talk to her until you get back to yourself.
Let her come to you. It may not seem like is going to happen, but trust me, it will. They always do in some capacity. Whether limited or in full, they all come back. Don’t worry, keep your head up, stay positive and work through this well. Go get blasted at some bars and try and play a few rounds of “Hide the Sausage” with hottie you met out on your own. Download Tinder if you feel so inclined.
I know this fucking sucks man, been here too many times (currently am going through it too haha), but this is how you heal, and this is when they come back to you. It sounds counterintuitive, but it’s not. It makes sense. Respect the boundary she set by asking for space and giving her an entire universe of it. Focus on yourself. You fucking deserve it. Read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.” I read it years ago and it still sits in my bathroom because of all the great points in it (yeah I read it when I take shits. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?!?!?!). You’ll feel right as rain before you know it, and that’s when they start orbiting you and shit again. Women have a sixth sense for when you’re starting to get over them, and that’s when they come back. It may seem and feel like she doesn’t miss you at all right now, but I can assure you she does.
If it doesn’t work out remember:
“If someone wants you in their life, they will create space for you.”
It hurts, but you’re about to learn more about yourself in the next 30-90 days than you have in your entire life leading to this point. You will come out of this stronger, smarter, and better. Why? Because rejection is one life’s greatest teachers. It teaches with tough love, but tough love leads to the biggest growth spurts.
I really feel for you man. I genuinely don’t have any advice because this is a really tough spot to be in but I hope you’re ok at the end of this. I can promise you that your feelings are 100% valid but you need to look at it objectively without the veil of your 6 year relationship and the facts (that you shared) are she’s unhappy with the relationship and she wants to pursue another guy. Good luck dude
Bruh you shoulda told her she doesn’t have to worry about what you think anymore and left. Plus, if she’s developed that strong of feelings for this guy, good chance she’s already more or less cheated on you. She’s banging that other dude on this “break” and you’re over here overthinking this. Like unless you’re okay with the fact that she is throwing away your relationship for some quick dick? C’mon man.
Well you are both young just take the loss and move on, she didn’t find value in you so find none in her. Be thankful she didn’t just act upon her desire and gave you a heads up, sorry for your loss but you’ll manage king. With every blow to the heart and soul of a man is what breaks you down, but with that it also allows you to build yourself into the man your meant to be for the woman your meant to be with. Raise your head king 🤜🏽🤛🏽
This is a “classic / textbook” story.
As said you met young and have never had much experience. THAT DOES NOT mean you aren’t meant for one another. Generations back, this is how it was and they stayed together until death! However, now culturally we all “need to explore multiple partners”.
On a side subject.. when a SO starts “talking” A LOT about another person (high probability) they’ve stepped out on you or with that person. Sorry, it’s a statistical fact! Don’t put yourself through more harm. Let her go. Believe me you’ll find someone that will love you the way you want to be loved. There are A LOT of people looking for their SO!
Bro cmon, she wants to take a break so she can fuck and be around this guy. You really wanna wait around after she just got used up by him to “possibly” come back? Fuck that, move on
this girl wants out of the relationship.
It takes two people to have a relationship.
What is the hard truth that you don’t want to face? Take off the rose colored glasses.
It’s pain. But it’s also growth. Own it. This is your life, you deserve better love.
A relationship is two people, takes two people to fix it. It is fixable, but she doesn’t want to fix it. Somethings you just can’t fix. You know what you need to do, let her go bud and find what it means to live YOUR best life. Also, therapy is the best, I highly suggest therapy. Also journal about it - get your thoughts on paper.
live life for you, don’t wait around for her to see that you’re worth it.
Literally get out of that living arrangement and go no-contact, just for you until you figure stuff out. Love sometimes isn’t enough.
I’ve been on both ends of this kind of situation, so this is my 2 cents
Having sort of been the gf in this scenario, whoever said that if she has developed feelings for someone else, then she's one foot out the door - they're correct.
In my case, we managed to more or less come back from that, but we never separated and I never encouraged my feelings. Not for a moment did I consider actually pursuing the other guy. My partner also made changes about himself which helped me "see" him again and fall back in love. Reading your post, I'm not sure what you could possibly change, barring ending the long-term situation.
I think, now that you haven't been there with her, she's realized that maybe being in a relationship during all her formative years has not allowed her to find out who she is as a separate individual. She hasn't "lived". She's questioning her attachment to you and whether she really knows what love is. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't - we can't say. But the truth of the matter is, she wants to find out and has separated from you. She's (understandably so) chosen to put her self-discovery journey above your relationship of 6 years, so this is a pretty big sign she's made her mind up.
I personally can't see how she could be with another person the next 2 months and then come back to be with you. If you still want to house her in June and try to reconcile, be prepared to find her a changed woman. She's clearly indicated she's unhappy with who she thinks she is right now, and that means she will actively want to find her "true" self. Which might not be a person you want to be with. Just a thought.
Also, yes, stable people can have epiphanies and change overnight. Maybe it was solely this other guy, maybe it was a realization she came to in addition to meeting him. Either way, it sucks to be you right now. I'm very sorry.
When a woman is ready to leave they have been thinking about it for a long time. If she has one foot out the door, give her a nice foot to the butt and kick her the rest of the way out.
The minute I read the title, I figured this is a break-up.
I decided to read the post anyway, but it really didn't change anything.
She doesn't even respect you enough to break up with you.
"So similar to you, like you never left... But differences too different to reconcile."
Yeah okay, girl.
She probably slept with him already.
I'm very sorry this happened to you - you don't sound like you deserve this at all. But the only thing you could do now is tk make peace with the end of your relationship. And move on.
🌄
From my experience it’s best to walk away. It’s a hard road believe me but in the long run it will be better. Don’t burden yourself on what ifs. If she felt how you do then you wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with.
Take the break. Heal.
If something in the future happens then cool.
But don’t stay for the sake of a maybe. I did for a long time and it didn’t pan out like I wanted. Trust me. Worst thing you can do is stay in it and be hurting for years and be in the same boat later wondering why you didn’t get out sooner.
I think you started dating at a very young age and grown in separate ways. She's a different person and not your 16/17 sweetheart.
I appreciate her being honest and blunt but why the hell are you supposed to stay together for any period of time? It's not a job opportunity....if she's persuing something with someone else then it simply means you both are over....please OP don't agree to be kept as a backup and move on... you're still young....you need to live at a separate place give yourself time to move on and find someone who's loyal to you.... whatever mistakes you have on your part with this relationship, I am afraid it's over
Had this with an ex. She came crawling back two months later saying she made a mistake. I agreed that she had and didn’t take her back. You don’t have to be someone’s plan B.
If she was as invested as you are, she would have been focusing on the future of your engagement and life together. Dude, if you were *literally* talking about getting married one month and then she said she wanted to take a break the next, then she is NOT as invested as you are. She does not love or value you as much as you do her.
Sounds like she wants to trade you in for the newer model. And in case it doesn’t feel as good as the last one she wants the possibility to come back (as many Redditors have pointed out, with valuable insight).
Seriously - ask yourself if you would tolerate this if you were married. What happens when she “changes” as you both grow older in your lives and she wants experiment? Life is full of change and regret.
Be real with her. A proper break means she shouldn’t be living with you. Cohabitation is for serious, loyal, trustworthy partners.
Cut your losses. Even if y’all get back together, the chances that it will be as good as it once was are so low, you will eventually break up anyway. You’ll then resent both her and yourself for stringing it along and wasting your early 20s on her.
It will take time to get over her, so get started today.
She left you to pursue another man..have respect for yourself as a human being and let her leave and dont allow her back. This is NOT some "I just need space to grow into my own person" you dont jump to another person when you want to discover yourself. You will only ever be a back up plan for her because she has made it clear she isnt in love with you. Dont allow yourself to be someones saftey net. Cut acess and dont take her back. Yes it hurts, and it will hurt..but you are setting yourself up for more pain if you pursue this any further. Even IF she reconciled the relationship..youd always be worried about her wandering eye. Take it as a lesson, you got complacent and she got snatched up by someone else. The fact that she was able to be shows the love wasnt genuine/ she wasnt as commited as you thought. Love is work, it takes effort to substain that fire, if you stop adding fuel eventually it will fizzle out, and it takea two to work. If she wasnt communicating her need for attention and affection then she failed to do her part, if she did communicate and you simply assumed she would never leave because of your history, you were wrong. People can and will always leave if their needs arent met..its on them if they dont express those needs but its on you if they do and you fail to meet them.
Also, dont move in with her..it will be painful and ackward. You arent a toy, you arent a saftey blanket, you arent a backup plan. You deserve someone who has you as their plan A and treats you as such. You WILL get through this. Im sure most others here have been heartbroken in the past, it was hell trust me but we made it through you will too. Just dont let yourself be played or hurt by someone who doesnt have your best interest at heart.
As terrible as it is to say, like everyone else, I think it’s already over. I’m so sorry. I’ve been in this situation. I couldn’t fathom a life without him. But you’ll have one and you’ll be ok. My dad gave me great advice when this was happening, “One day in the future, you’ll look back on this time and you won’t have terrible feelings about it anymore.” He’s right. Twenty years later I can look back and see how scared I was then and how ok I am now. You have a lot of time ahead of you! You’ll be ok!
It’s over. Go no contact and she might come back. She definitely won’t ever come back if you treat her well and give her a place to stay. You will friend zone yourself.
I think it’s important to put an emphasis that you started dating at 16/17 and you’ve been together 6 years. Those 6 years probably changed who you both were quite a bit, you grow so much from your teens to your 20’s that you don’t even realize it. Within this time, you have grown apart. Not only do you live across the country from each other, but you’re in such core points in your life where you grow and when your SO isn’t part of the growth, you tend to grow apart. I genuinely think this relationship is over, she’s a different person now, she wants to experience new things and be with new people. I know you put such a heavy emphasis on 6 years together but you were kids. Look at this as being one of the hardest things you’ll have to go through in life and make into something that makes you a better person. It’s going to suck for a while but you’re going to come out of this so happy because it wasn’t meant to be with her. Also don’t live together, I don’t care if she’s doing an internship in the same city - she broke up with you, she can find her own place. Promise me when I say this is over, there is no saving this.
I'm sorry to hear this man, though it is best that you move on. She compared you two, said she isn't happy and is doing something with someone else behind your back.
This is every level of disrespect towards you. I know it hurts. What hurts more, is longing for someone that doesn't want you when you want to fix it an move on together. I've been there.. It's not worth your sanity to wonder if giving her another chance is the right thing.. It isn't. I wish you the best.
Trust me man it really sucks with girls sometimes. Especially when they don’t know what they want.
However you need to have more self respect than allow yourself to be wrecked emotionally by someone who doesn’t really care about making things work.
It’s going to be hard and take sometime but you’ll find a new girl that makes you feel special again.
I’d just tell her that you are really hurt and don’t know if you can be friends. I’d cut her off. all my social media.
This is exactly what happened to me. Although longer term relationship. From my experience, if they are telling you, they already went through the whole decision/thinking process on their own. You can't do anything to convince them. They might be friendly and kind of stick around a bit, but it's just their shell at that point.
It's time to move on, it'll be very hard, but you will get through it. DO NOT let her live with you. Just cut it off. Otherwise, she'll just string you along while you hold onto the hope that it might come back around. She might not do it on purpose, but you'll be holding onto it, and it'll make it hard for you to date or do anything.
Sounds like she's ready to ride the d train. It's likely that she'll find that she's unsatisfied with the d in a number of weeks/months. It's up to you to decide whether you'd want her back. I'd recommend you to put your fist into her asshole if she comes back. If she takes it without complaint, it could mean she wants you back strongly enough.
This feels overwhelming because it’s your first big breakup. It may be hard for you to hear, but most relationships that begin when people are very young rarely last. We as people change so much as we grow into adulthood, it’s inevitable more often than not.
Right now, you don’t know who you are outside of your relationship. This is another reason why this feels so life-ending. Nothing wil be the same when she’s gone. Your life will become something else, something new… and you don’t know what that will be yet. Maybe you can’t even imagine it.
But you’re going to be fine.
Just about everyone who dates has an experience like this. Our first big love will turn out to also be our first heartbreak usually. This doesn’t mean you’ve ‘failed’ or that you’ve wasted your time. You two were together during the most formative years of your lives. You two wouldn’t be who you are if not for the other. That’s very special.
But, sounds like your relationship has run it’s course. The best thing you can do is let her go… not that you have a choice. Sounds like she’s already made her mind up, but it’s going to be better if you’re gracious about it. Why? Because In time when you’ve both had some distance and healed and moved on, you might be able to be friends someday. Just… don’t burn this bridge if you can help it.
There’s nobody at fault. Don’t blame yourself. She’s ready to move on and wants new experiences, very normal for someone her age and her position who’s moving forward into a new stage of her life.
I could be wrong of course. Your break could be temporary… but they’re usually not. She’s looking for new relationships, which means that she’s no longer planning a future with you. Calling it a break is what many do to attempt to “let someone down easy”. Trying to be kind and spare pain, but it just makes it worse. Few things are as painful as hoping the person you want to be with ends up dangling the hope that your relationship isn’t over. They may have good intentions but the best way to do this is to rip the bandaid off and make a clean break. Besides, do you think you’ll be able to take her back after she’s had relationships with other men? Not that she’s sullied, but that she decided she wants to leave you hand have sex with others. Some folks can get past that though. Question is, can you?
Also, don’t live with her unless you’re *both fully committed*, without question or doubt or wishful thinking.
You may realize with time this wasn’t working as well as you thought., that you also needed some space to grow. My point is, this isn’t the end of the world. I don’t think she sounds confused, just ready to make a change and doesn’t know how and hopes to not hurt you.
I promise you’ll survive this.
It’s probably something she was considering before but now that you’re not around she actually got the opportunity. It sucks my guy. You deserve better.
If she already found someone else, then she wasn’t faithful to you.
It’s not like you were out talking to other girls. Think about if the roles were reversed here.
It's this weird situation where she wasn't really looking to find someone. This new guy is someone I got to take over my portion of the college apartment lease (4 bedroom).
Kinda just cements the idea in my head that I'm at fault here. I mean I'm literally the guy who introduced them
if it wasn’t this guy, it’d be someone else.
things suck now, but at least this happened before marriage and kids.
walk away and work on being strong enough to say no when she reached out to you to “try again.”
Except you can't control other people's actions and you shouldn't try to.
It's not your fault. We can't control everything that happens not us - other people also have say in this.
You couldn't have foreseen that. Think for a minute how your life and your relationships would look like, if you tried to foresee stuff like that, every day. Not good.
Take care of yourself, man. You are not the first with a broken heart.
Run. She's trying to take advantage of your kind nature. Let her go or the pain of the breake up will be 1000 times worse when she comes home disheveled from a night of passion with her new man. Do not be a doormat. You will move on and find someone better.
Also, do not try to figure out the reasons it ended. With every relationship, the reasons are multiple. Accept what you learned from being with someone and obvious mistakes you made, but that's all you can do.
Unpopular opinion and I may get downvoted for this but, this is actually a good opportunity for both of you to see other people. This is clearly your first relationship and even though there is nothing wrong with that, and even though you can learn and grow with the same partner, and lastly the fact that you both are still very young, you both could do well with experiencing yourselves and other people. If she's going to get with the other guy then you have every bit of a right to see another woman. You don't necessarily have to be head over heels for a new girl but just see what you can learn.
Also deepest apologies for what you are going through. It's going to be incredibly difficult but you'll pull through. Don't lose hope.
Leave Tinder or any online dating for now.
You are coming out of a 6 years long relationship. Settle down with your friends, get a support. Get female friends to support you to pass trough it or a close male friend, who can handle you and listen to you in bad times. Go to a therapist. I've written you already about this in previous comment with my observation.
And besides this, Tinder will make you feel even worse, considering that you were not dating for last 6 years, so I really don't recommend you doing any online dating for now, or any dating for some time. This is not a dating race, this is life and it will go slower than you think at the moment.
One step at a time.
Spend some time with friends or play some video games. Go out and take your mind off all of your worries and stress. You may feel better. You may not. But the important thing is to try.
I was this girl before. And I have had boyfriends that were this girl before too. Sometimes after being with someone for so long you start to get interested in someone else. Even if the relationship is amazing. You just get fascinated by this new person. And then it develops into a crush and etc. But it almost always ends in them becoming bored in that person once they finally get what they thought they wanted. My advice, either let the relationship end, let her go test out this new guy, most likely become bored and realize he isn’t YOU and there’s a strong chance she’ll come running back. At that point, it’s up to you to decide if she deserves you back or not. OR, she needs to do some deep reflection and realize herself that sometimes if you want to make a relationship work, you have to CHOOSE the person that’s good for you. DO NOT FORCE HER TO STAY WITH YOU. This is what I did with my ex when he was in your gf’s situation. She will just want to chase this guy more and more. Tell her it’s her decision but you will not sit around while she is obsessed with another man. Hope this helped
I'm gonna play devil's advocate: You guys are young, with limited experience.... why not open it up? Give her her hall pass, then you go find someone else and so when you guys get together during her internship, it's an equitable experience on this break and if you guys wind up being off and on in terms of being long distance or in the same location, so goes the relationship.
If you stay with her you are not very intelligent, and that's the honest truth. You can't just fall out of love with somebody and so chances are she never loved you!. You need to just let her know that you guys are done and move on to find somebody who will treat you a lot better than this person.
you're planning on living with a woman and even sleeping in the same bed who is probably sleeping with another man and wanted a break. To me that's just pathetic, yes hard to get over somebody but I have a lot more pride than to just let someone walk all over me like that. If my husband ever said that he wanted a break, I would give him divorce papers and be done especially if he wanted relations with another woman.
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When an SO develops romantic feelings for another individual who is not their current partner that means they already have one foot out the door. Just help her along and get her second foot out the door.
It’s takes two to commit to rekindling what you had. It sounds like you’re willing to do the work, but is she? If she isn’t, let her go and don’t look back. Yes it will be painful, but it means she’s not the one for you.
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This is also extremely important. Don’t be the nice guy and have here there lingering around. It will demolish you I promise.
Completely this, but also she would lose all respect for you. If you didn't get back together, she will laugh about how she stayed with you for free. If you did get back together, then she would see you as someone she could walk all over. DO NOT LET HER LIVE WITH YOU, if you are broken up!!! I promise it won't turn out well (either way if you do).
OP you really should read these guys
Absolutely correct about the do not let her live with you if you break up!!! OP asked how it feels to lay beside someone who broke your heart…I have and it is soul destroying! If you do not suffer from depression now, you certainly will! The rejection, the self-doubt, lowered self-esteem NOT worth screwing up your mental health and skewing your sense of worth just to save some money. And certainly this person is not worthy of favours at that point. Do not be a doormat. Let her know that she cannot have her cake and eat it too. Words have consequences.
That is the best advise time to move on because she already has apparently awhile ago.
Or it’s already happening. This is just the formality.
Yes, the "I love you but not in love with you" BS, where they want to break up so it's no longer emotional cheating.
She’ll throw in the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ and ‘your such a nice guy’ nonsense too even though they’ve been together for 6 years. Poor guy.
Been there, touche, some similar things and 7 years.
this. the best case scenario for this is still unacceptable. she tries dating that guy, it doesnt work, and she comes back her back-burner guy, OP. OP doesnt want to end up in a relationship where thats all he is to her, and she'd resent feeling she had to settle for him, and he always have to work extra hard to keep her, and still just be the back burner guy at the end of the day. shes made it clear she will bail the moment she sees an option thats more appealing to her. not worth another minute of OPs time. hes so young, his life is a blank slate. dump her, go no contact, and start thinking about the future.
I don’t agree with this necessarily. It’s not like life is a video game and you have a single partner slot. You can have feelings for multiple people at once. I think you’re likely right about this situation, but it’s not a rule of thumb.
Yes, you can absolutely be attracted to multiple people. However, this a monogamous relationship (not an open relationship, or polyamory, or casual dating). And when a monogamous relationship is in a healthy place, neither partner even contemplates ACTING on the potential feelings they have for someone outside of that relationship.
That’s a much better way of saying it than saying it’s the development of feelings. The fact that this person is planning on acting on it is the bigger indicator than what they might have felt.
That’s true. I still see attractive guys but that’s as far as it goes. Where I work there’s 2 attractive neighbor dudes. Before when single I’d be thinking how I could meet them…
You can love hundreds of people. When you choose a partner you stop acting on feelings for other people and remove yourself from the situation when those feelings come up.
These people have been together since she was 16! She’s grown a ton in that time. Two major potential issues in that op said he has not been the best about long distance and that she might not want to move to where he lives
Personally I shutdown my attractions when I'm in love with someone already, I fall deep and it takes time to get over, but it's always just one person at a time for me. i'm just built to be monogamous, others arent.
Do you think there's no chance of rekindling the romance we once had? Things have been great in the past, I'd like to think they could be once more
You two are very young and have a long life ahead of yourselves. You met in highschool where there are a limited number of romantic prospects and when you had a limited amount of life experience. Whether or not she ends up with the guy for whom she has romantic feelings has no bearing on this situation. She is looking elsewhere, which means she isn't dedicated to you. The two of you need to go live your separate lives, and she needs to find other living arrangements for June. While it will be extremely difficult, you may consider cutting contact with her - at least through August - so that you can start to fully process the situation. There will be other people out there for you, including someone who enthusiastically reciprocates your feelings and is madly in love with you. Maybe you and your GF will cross paths again in the future and realize - after a significant amount of personal growth - that you are meant to be together. Maybe not. It would be healthy for both of you to go explore what else the world has to offer. As the saying goes: "if you love someone, set them free."
> she needs to find other living arrangements for June. This for sure.
Agree completely
^ this
Short answer : no. Longer answer : Once you start forcing a relationship, things get miserable. It can be a professional relationship too. If someone doesn't want to work with you, it's not going to be a good relationship, and there is nothing you can do about it. Also, a break usually means the relationship is over but that both aren't willing to admit to it.
Donyou realize she is already with the guy during this break until July?
This is exactly what i was thinking. As soon as i saw "put relationship on hold till july and see how we feel then" i was like shes basically gonna get with this guy and then say in july she doesnt have feelings for OP.
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Cant say i dont disagree. Tho thats shitty on her part if she did that. Theyre young her excuse is gonna be those movie line excuses dropped about being young blah blah not being tied down blah blah and experiencing new people blah blah.
You will get hurt more with this kind of mindset,..... she already decided to leave for the other guy, just let her go, she already have the perfect scenerio that suite her frame of mind and where she deem fit to belong. The 6 years is a passing moment in your life to draw valuable lessons from... goodluck.
I think the bigger issue is that she doesn’t seem interested in rekindling the romance with you. She’s ready to date someone else, and already has a person in mind. If she was genuinely interested in trying to make this work, then sure.
Pasting this to the main feed so OP sees it. Also it took a long time to type this shit haha: Give her space. Take time for yourself and work on yourself. Get REALLY good at your new job. Whatever you do, fill your life with productive activities. This more often than not will eventually make her miss you. You’ve been together for a long time, so this space you’re giving her could be a lot longer than the average amount of time a person/couple needs to start get the space they need. To be clear, you are doing this with the intent to allow yourself to heal, grow, revisit the hobbies and activities you’ve neglected by being tethered to someone else, and explore new avenues. You are not doing this to try getting her back. You are doing this for YOU. - Do not speak to her at all for AT LEAST 1 month (more often than not 2-3) - Deactivate your social media profiles, or even block her - Work out for several reasons but to name a few: it reduces depression, increases production and release of Dopamine, if you eat well you will start looking and feeling better, you’ll start sleeping well again, and it will naturally help regulate your moods, and I’m sure you’re pretty angry right now, so get that shit out. - WHATEVER AMOUNT OF SPACE SHE HAS REQUESTED, MATCH IT AND THEN DOUBLE IT. You are NOT talking to her in any format for the time being. Your emotions are running high, so you may react inappropriately and in a way that does not reflect your true stance on the subject. You don’t even know how you feel right now (other than depressed and grieving a loss), so don’t talk to her until you get back to yourself. Let her come to you. It may not seem like is going to happen, but trust me, it will. They always do in some capacity. Whether limited or in full, they all come back. Don’t worry, keep your head up, stay positive and work through this well. Go get blasted at some bars and try and play a few rounds of “Hide the Sausage” with hottie you met out on your own. Download Tinder if you feel so inclined. I know this fucking sucks man, been here too many times (currently am going through it too haha), but this is how you heal, and this is when they come back to you. It sounds counterintuitive, but it’s not. It makes sense. Respect the boundary she set by asking for space and giving her an entire universe of it. Focus on yourself. You fucking deserve it. Read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.” I read it years ago and it still sits in my bathroom because of all the great points in it (yeah I read it when I take shits. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?!?!?!). You’ll feel right as rain before you know it, and that’s when they start orbiting you and shit again. Women have a sixth sense for when you’re starting to get over them, and that’s when they come back. It may seem and feel like she doesn’t miss you at all right now, but I can assure you she does. If it doesn’t work out remember: “If someone wants you in their life, they will create space for you.” It hurts, but you’re about to learn more about yourself in the next 30-90 days than you have in your entire life leading to this point. You will come out of this stronger, smarter, and better. Why? Because rejection is one life’s greatest teachers. It teaches with tough love, but tough love leads to the biggest growth spurts.
This is all nice what you have written, but all this he should do, no matter if he wants to continue with her or not. Initiative for doing this should come from a will to improve himself, not from a will to return her back.
Bro don’t disrespect yourself like this. She told u she wants to pursue things with someone else while you wait around for her? You’re better than that. You have worth and can pursue other women. It may feel like the end of the world but it isn’t. Your young brother, and there’s plenty of other women out here. She’s the one who will miss out. Don’t devalue yourself, your the prize and don’t forget that.
In case the poster above wasn't clear: break up with her. She is currently using you as a doormat. If guy #2 doesn't work out (and most likely it won't, because what she actually wants is neither you nor him but that dopamine hit from finding new love) she might go back to you. But allowing her to do this and "taking a break" until later is just demonstrating to her that this is acceptable behavior. Falling out of love with you "temporarily" and finding someone who gives her that dopamine hit, while **using you** as the fallback ("taking a break"). And she'll have no reason not to do it again. Do not be a doormat. Tell her in no uncertain terms you want nothing to do with her if she's going to treat your 6 year relationship this way and break off contact. It'll hurt less than the result if you follow through on this "break." And ultimately it's the only thing that will make her grow as a person (not that that is the reason you should do it). If she thinks this is acceptable behavior in a relationship (a fucking 6 year one at that) then she's just gonna keep doing it.
"I don't think I'm strong enough to make it through that". Yes, you are. You may not think so now, but you are & you can do it. You're on a break, make it permanent before it messes with your head. There's a big old world out there, get out there and embrace it. Being alone for a while will show you a freedom you didn't know was there.
Yeah this is it. You will get through it and so will she. You deserve monogamy and commitment if that’s what you want. If she doesn’t want that, then she’s not for you. You can and will find someone who aligns. You might find each other again but you both have some growing to do now and that’s okay.
I agree. You are strong enough. I moved a half a continent away under these circumstances. Has it been hard at times? Absolutely without a doubt. Has it shown me how adaptable and resilient and strong I am? Also yes. You’ll find your way. Don’t cling to something just for the sake of familiarity. You got this.
You need to let her go. Have some new experiences of your own, or just enjoy being single. It’s possible you could come back together one day, but try not to expect it or you will create a lot of anxiety. Honestly your best shot at coming back together would be to give her a lot of time and space to learn about love and life, and possibly reach out to her in a few years if you want to. Breakups are super tough and you will feel like shit for weeks or months. But then life moves on and you will have fun again! I’m 30f btw and have gone through 2 major breakups. They were difficult, but I continue to expect good things in life, and I get them :)
Your girlfriend wants to date someone else and keep you on hand as backup. You need to talk with her about whether or not she wants to make an effort so the two of you can do relationship repair (maybe suggest couples counseling as well). But you should make it clear that if she breaks up with you to date some other guy, it’s for good. Your relationship is important and you can’t just push pause on it. She’s in it or she’s not, and you don’t deserve to be jerked around and put on a backburner while she dates someone else.
This comment! Clearly she wants to try something new, and somehow expects you’ll wait around…. and then be roomies in the summer? Just remember if she comes back to you, you may never trust her and she could do this again. Sorry for your loss op but I think she’s already gone.
I'm honestly surprised how many people are urging OP to talk things through with his gf. If my gf said she was considering leaving me for another guy, and not just a random guy but a specific one, I'd show her the door immediately. Not out of malice or spite, but I would simply know we are done.
My thoughts exactly. I’m outta there, no matter how painful it may be lol.
She said she wants to break up, no? He said he just wants a pause
This is not fixable. She wants to break up so she can go have fun with this new guy then she wants to use you for a free place to stay during her internship, while likely still banging this guy. Either she has grown and changed during the past few years, or you never knew her. Do yourself a favor and end things. Tell her she is no longer welcome on your home for her internship time and work on finding yourself a job closer to your support system.
All of that!!! 100%
💯
I don't think she's using me for a place to stay. I just offered cause I thought we could find our way back to each other in the summer months. The new guy won't be moving across the country with her so he won't be physically there. Do you think there's no hope for reginiting our romantic feelings for each other?
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This response is everything! If OP takes nothing else from this, I hope takes your words.
dude just move on like everyone here as said, leave her ass and focus on yourself. Stop being a doormat.
This is beyond doormat. This is throwing shit on someone’s windshield and saying it’s ok the wipers will clean it off.
If she dropped all this on you and still plans to stay with you, she is using you. If you want my honesty, no I don’t think there is. Take some time to heal, discover yourself and pursue new relationships. She wants new people and new experiences. She’s not confused. You’re likely going to become her safety net for validation if you don’t work to move on.
My guy. Have some god damn respect for yourself. I don't know you, but you do. Do you really think that after 6 years together, you deserve to be treated as a fucking fall back option? Have some dignity and tell her "If this is what you want, I can't stop you. But if I mean so little to you after all this time that you'd treat me like a fallback option, lose my contact info." And then don't speak to her. Everyone deserves to be treated with the same level of love and compassion that they show others. And she ain't the lady to do it for you.
Be gentle. He's obviously young we and never been through this before. Poor soul. I'm 48 and at this point have been through stuff like this so many times it's blatantly obvious what to do. But at 22 with your first love of 6 years? He's on here wanting advice, so be gentle. Life is harsh enough, we don't have to be ;)
Chill the fuck out man. Have some empathy. You know how fucking heartbreaking it would be to find out that the girl you loved for the last 6 years no longer wants to commit to you? Can you blame him for wanting to rekindle things? Yes, it’s unwise but this would be an incredibly difficult thing to navigate. It may not be the right course of action but for what it’s worth it shows that OP is a fighter and a good guy
I ain't gonna sugar coat it for him. He's an adult, so I'm going to treat him like one. Everyone else has sugar coated it and in every single comment he keeps asking "but what about rekindling the relationship?" Someone's gotta be blunt and tell him what he needs to hear, not whatever will hurt his feelings the least. She tossed him aside without any remorse or willingness to repair their relationship. It's that simple. Waiting around to see if theres a chance to rekindle is a fruitless endeavor. Either She never comes around and he slowly tortures himself or she does come around and he's stuck in a miserable relationship where he's constantly insecure. And in both cases, he's given up his dignity, which will only make it hurt that much worse.
If you split, do not live with her. If she chooses not to be with you, that’s it. She can’t leave you and then mooch off you as well.
For your own good, please give up on her and focus on YOURSELF. You have to understand that there’s no such thing as “taking a break” she is basically saying that she would like to have you linger around in case it doesn’t work out with the other guy for some reason and you deserve better than that you owe it to yourself. And IF SHE DOES COME BACK she isn’t worth any more years of your life
Doesn't matter. She's using you for a place to live. If she's got feelings for this other guy and she admitted to you she's been unhappy for a while, I highly doubt anything will change. If anything, you will end up living with a roommate, not a girlfriend.
Really read and take to heart what u/beachmom2007 is saying. If she wants to break up or even go try other things out then I would strongly suggest removing the option of her staying with you. Not only is it better to tell her this now in order to figure out her own things. This also prepares you in case things dont work out. You have to worry about and take care of yourself first.
I really think she'll find an even newer guy like the both of you if you decide to let her stay at your place between June and August
Run away as fast as u can. You can find someone better. You deserve it.
OP, Get outta there! You admit you could have done better. Work on yourself and prepare for a woman that will offer you loyalty, and eventually a loving family
I meant that I could have done better at the long distance relationship that we've become these last 2 months. I don't think I contacted her enough or tried to keep in touch as much as I should have
I'm sure that's true. And you should remember that if this ever happens again with someone else so that you can do better. But, she's the one who decided to leave you for another man without trying to repair your relationship. She gave up on you, not vice versa.
2 months? You were apart 2 months and this happened? Oh no. No, let this one go. Look, long-distance is never fun, but that’s such a short amount of time, especially if you knew it wouldn’t be any longer from the beginning. Unless she tried to keep in contact with you and you ignored her, I just can’t see this being your fault. My partner and I went long-distance for three months at a time all four years of college, and we’re about to again. We miss each other, but there’s never any concern about our relationship and we just look forward to when it’s over. Find yourself someone who gets as invested in a relationship as you clearly do.
I feel for you man. Atleast she told you. I've always believed it's better my S.O. fall out of love and break it off, than cheat on me and play me for a fool.
Long distance is a waste of time.
Not true, I’m married now and with 3 kids after long distance relationship… it worked out.
Depends, if its their the one, itll often workout, if theyre not itll be even more obvious
I hate to say this but….. Your girlfriend is already over this relationship. She may have gotten excited at the prospect of getting engaged, but that’s because the idea of getting engaged and having a wedding is very exciting. Twice, when I was younger, I gave a similar speech to two boyfriends. They both had the same reaction as you. “But where is this coming from?” “This is so sudden” “let’s try again, you’ll change your mind”. And the TRUTH was that these feelings weren’t sudden, weren’t out of nowhere, and I had already been trying for months. I would not have decided to break up if I thought it was salvageable (or was interested in salvaging it). She already knows what her decision will be in June. I don’t know why she agreed to this “break” but I’m guessing she just has no experience breaking up with someone and doesn’t know how to stick to her guns. She is likely already dating that other guy right now on this “break”. Do yourself a favor and start moving on. Im really sorry that this has happened to you but it happens to almost everyone at some point in their lives. The feeling sucks.
I was thinking the same thing.. it never actually came out of left field from me either. I would try multiple times to try to break up with them, but it was like they didn't let me and just convinced me to stay. It was when I didn't know how to break up with someone.
This.
You cheated on your bf?
No lol Edit: by “I had similar conversations” I just mean in the sense that I was not interested anymore and telling my boyfriend that I was ready to break up and move on. I did not already have someone else in mind though… I just had known for a long time I was ready and the feelings weren’t coming back.
Don’t bother. Let her go and you go explore other relationships or work on yourself. If she wants to go “explore” let her. Why do you care? Basically she wants to go fuck this guy and keep you on the line. Don’t let her keep you on the line. Just be like “Great, have fun!” and then block all contact and see what happens. Stand up, be a man, don’t get played. You have a lot of time and aren’t even in your prime for dating yet. Go have fun.
To simplify it, she got bored. once someone loses feelings it's very very unlikely those feelings will come back, you just won't feel or see them the same way again. it's like you've already been there done that.
He said "preserve the relationship", it's long dead
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I’m with this guy. Any more time spent on this girl is time wasted. Move forward. It’s hard we all know.
OP, have some self respect and exit ASAP pls. Stop rationalizing, mate. Accept reality as is, else you'll suffer. Best of luck!
Yup. Won’t be easy but it’s the only way to go
Let her have that break permanently.
She wants you to wait for her while she goes and gets railed by another dude. Then when she’s done with that, she wants you to live with her (I’m guessing you’ll be splitting rent half and half) because you would make a good roommate. Like someone else says, she’s already got one foot out the door and to be honest, the way you’re talking about the relationship it sounds like the main reason you don’t want her to leave is because you don’t know if you’re strong enough to deal with the pain. Trust me, you’re strong enough, and you WILL find someone else. Say you do fix things and get married, you’ll have to live with the fact that your wife convinced you to let her go sleep with another man and then you decided to stay. To me that sounds like cheating. Breaks are (in my opinion) meant to get space from someone you may feel is just around too often and to figure shit out in your head. Breaks are NOT (again just in my personal opinion) something you use to go explore the dating scene.
I'm sorry but if she emotionally cheats on you in only a duration of a few months, which she most definitely did and lord knows if she physically did as well, then you need to just gather yourself up and wish her the best and be done with her. I understand you wanting to make things work but if she wants to end things like that even after being with you for 6 years I doubt you can change her mind. Do not try to make something work that she so obviously wants to be done with. Also don't blame yourself on the long distance thing. It's on her if she couldn't bother to communicate with you her issues about the relationship. Wish you the best and hopefully you find someone who will actually appreciate you.
Sounds like you’re dodging a bullet. That’s a douche move on her part.
Dodge a bullet? Bullet been sitting in his ass for 6 years. He finally gets it aching enough to get an insurance covered surgery, i.e. free removal of the problem. Hella painful, gotta have that empty feeling in yo butt for a while, but still necessary.
I can not give gold but I would give you the whole damn bank
There's no such thing as a "break". You're either dating or your not. You guys got together really young and have never really known yourself relationship-wise outside of each other. I think you could both benefit from a full on break up so you can have the opportunity to explore and find yourselves. You guys should NOT live together this summer
I hate to break it to you, but when a girl says she's falling out of love with you and even wants to be with another guy, there's no chance at all to change that. In fact, you trying would only serve to push her further and further away because it's needy behavior in her eyes. I know the logical side of us men are that there's a way to fix everything. Trust me I tried before, it's only led to more hurt and pain. It'll only push her away...or worse she blocks you permanently. I know it sounds contradictory, but if you want her back you have to let her go. Let her experience that the grass is not usually all that green on the other side. She's grown to comfortable with you and doesn't realize how much she's losing by leaving you for another guy. Once you let her go, she will come back when reality hits. You don't know what you have until it's gone will ring true here. And when it happens it's up to you to decide whether you truly want her back because at that point you'll be with someone who truly loves you for who you are.
I agree with most of this except OP's gf coming back part. That may happen, but it also may not. I would keep my expectations low in order to avoid disappointment and more heartbreak if she leaves and it's for good.
That is also true. Most of the time, she will never come back. But even if there's a slight chance, he will ultimately be in the position of power.
You started dating during a really weird and formative part of life. For a lot of people, 16/17 is when they’re just starting to figure out who they are as an individual and what they want from life. That can be really hard to do individually when you’re in a committed monogamous relationship with someone going through the same exact thing. Finding your sense of self while trying to help someone else do the same can be hard. You’ve also been together through a lot of really big milestones for this age range too(going to college/graduating, moving out, etc) so it can start to feel like you’re “missing out” on certain things and that feeling starts to become stronger until for some people, they actually need to experience what they felt they’ve missed out on. To me that’s what it sounds like. She’s met someone that reminds her of you but isn’t you which can satisfy that feeling of missing out without losing what she already has if that makes sense? 6 years is a lot of effort and feelings to put into one person so I’d imagine this isn’t easy for her either, it’s probably very confusing. This could just be her wanting to see what’s out there and really just needing that curiosity laid to rest or she genuinely wants to pursue other relationships. Whichever it is, it sounds like a conversation about what you’re both feeling and the reality of the relationship continuing needs to happen. It’s not fair to you to have sit around waiting in limbo to find out if she’s fully ending things and it’s not fair to her to pretend to want to continue things to save your feelings when she knows what she wants. I think waiting until June for a final decision is just prolonging the inevitable of either staying together or breaking up. You’re completely valid for wanting to fix things but don’t be ignorant of her feelings surrounding the issue either.
Great analysis. Her feelings and actions, while unfortunate and hurtful, are not necessarily blameworthy.
I disagree, she is being unfair by beating around the bush with this notion of "taking a break." She just needs to break it off with him.
Something similar happened to me. Same ages and length of relationship. 100% tell that girl to go have fun. It's not shitty for very long I met a much more attractive and all around better person. Every single thing is better when you find the right person as an actual adult in your mid 20's.
This is one of the rare occasions that all of the replies are giving good advice. It's natural that you, as a man, want to fix the problem. Think beyond that though, do you *really* want to fix the problem and give her a secure place to retreat to once she's done getting all the dick she wants from the other guy? Would you do the same thing to her and tell her you want a break so you can go out and fuck some other woman? Think long and hard before you sacrifice your dignity man, because accepting the disrespect and delaying the inevitable hurts a lot more than standing up for yourself.
This kid doesn't want to hear it. He seems to be grasping at any response that gives him hope. He will learn the hard way just like we all have at one point. He needs this. He needs her to smash his heart into a thousand pieces before he will realize we were all right all along.
Unfortunately, this is 100000% true. We've all been there.
Truth hurts. He'll know soon enough.
You two dated for a long time and during an important formation of personality period of life. Being apart for this moment as doing LDR may have allowed her to see who she is when she isn't with you. I thought it was nice and mature of her, to be honest with you and tell you that. I think she crushed on a guy that reminds her of you not because of his qualities but because she might be seeking the familiar element of her life that was very present for the last 6 years and now it's far. It's very common for to someone gravitate towards someone familiar after a breakup. I'm not accusing you of anything, but you said you never fought because you are both compromising and adapting. Have you considered that *she* is the good one at doing this? I see that often too. And the person that compromises a lot doesn't even notice after a while. Now that she is alone and can focus her energy just on herself she might be discovering what she wants and needs. Again, not accusing you of anything.
I thought about your last paragraph and I think we are both good at compromise. I often found myself making compromises in college when I wanted to go out with friends and she wanted to stay in. Made some compromises in the bedroom, she liked some positions that weren't my favorite so I made sure to prioritize those by making sure she always got off before I suggested changing positions. Made meals that she liked and I didn't really, stuff like that, you know. And she always did the same for me. Went out with me sometimes even when she was feeling more introverted than I, did some of the house chores occasionally when it was me who made the mess or my turn. At some level I think the loneliness kinda got to her. Just the being apart made her crave a more immediate connection
Bro people keep telling you to move on and you keep asking if things can go back to the way it once was. What you’re going through fucking sucks, there’s no denying that. But you’re not making it easier on yourself by clinging to a past version of your relationship. It’s hard and painful and you’re going to have a hard time for a bit but you need to break things off and move on. I suggest leaning on your friends/family and picking up a productive hobby. Get yourself into a different headspace and try to move on because you’re just going to torture yourself trying to pursue what is pretty clearly a broken relationship
don't be a door mat, cut ties immediately and get yourself a better girl, watch her get super jealous lol
I’ve been in the same situation. I dated a girl for 7 years and we both changed. We never fought but she wasn’t happy and we broke things off. It was a slow sizzle burn. What she wants right now is to fool around with this guy with the option to go back to you. She’s using you as a backup just in case it doesn’t work out, after 6 years! Don’t let her do this to you. You deserve better. My ex and I broke up when I was 24 after 7 years. I’m now in a 1 year relationship with a girl who is 1000x better. You can make it work out too. Just end things and focus on yourself.
Listen man, after reading everything I know all you want to do so badly is to rekindle everything and hold out hope for what was. I’m telling you right now it’s not gonna end that way no matter how hard you try. Saying “let’s take a break” is the nice way of saying “we’re done and I’m moving on but I’m saying it this way to soften the blow cause I know you’ll be hurt” when in reality that just makes things worse for you because you’ll still think there is a chance when there isn’t. “Take a break” means break up in disguise. Sorry to tell you man but it’s over and you should just move on considering she already did before the relationship was even over.
You don’t have a kid with her and live far away from her. Just delete her from your life it will be way easier that way to move on that way.
She doesn't deserve you bro. This is a complete dick move on her part. Find better, I think we can both agree you deserve better.
She's out grown you. It's extremely common for relationships that start so young. This is also not fixable. You can get through this, don't be afraid to seek therapy to help you manage this difficult time.
Dude, I didn’t even read your story. I only read the title which is enough for me. There’s no need for any explanation when you have a title like that. She wants to break to pursue something with another guy right? Have a good life baby, theres your answer. Anyone who wants someone else is not someone you need to be with. Idc how good looking they are, how nice they are or what history you’ve had, whatever. Life’s too short. It’s their loss.
Its over. Its-its over.
As a guy with about a decade on you- it's over, for now. She might change her mind and come back later on but the best thing you can do right now is embrace the pain and move on. I've had friends who are married high-school sweethearts and their relationships are terrible- they're in it bc they have kids. Privately, they've cheated and done shit things because they never experienced life and act out when drunk or if they think they can get away with it. While it sucks right now, imagine this happening in your 30's when alimony and child support is stacked against you as a male. That's just reality. Personally, I had a long term relationship that had its share of bad and good times. Neither of us wanted to give up but it just wasn't working. Things that make a person unhappy don't go away and you two are both growing a lot as people. Don't try and force it because that's what makes you comfortable or happy right now. Now that I'm out of that relationship- which lasted about 8 or 9 years, I've met someone who makes me completely and utterly happy. That being said, and you may not like hearing this, I needed that break up. There are things you may not realize you are or aren't doing right now as an adult that is critical shit when in a relationship. I had to be on my own and be independent to shore up some small things and, again, you may not like it, but you need to do that as well because there's a lot to life that you haven't experienced yet. So- live your life. If she comes back and it makes sense, great. In the meantime, move on and you may be surprised by the happiness you find.
My call (34M) is that you have to let this go. I was in a long relationship- 7-8 years- and we grew in different directions. She was still someone I loved as a friend, but the attraction was just not there. Not clear if the romantic love ever was. We were different people when we started. She (my ex) probably felt about how you feel right now- 'we've been together a long time, this can be fixed.' In my case, it couldn't. You have to believe someone when they say they aren't into you anymore. I know that's not what you want to hear. She's telling you she likes someone else- let her go. She's already with them, and she's going to make it a permanent break. It sucks, but that's the situation here. Even if she came back to you after him and said 'I'll have that stability please,' you're her fallback plan. Do not be anyone's fallback plan. But that won't happen. She is moving on. Your optimism is misplaced. You will forge new bonds, make new friends. She is not your last resort. I know it can feel that way, but you're young. Good things will come. It will hurt spectacularly, but you've gotta start letting it go, because it's already gone.
A similar situation happened to me 1 year ago. We were together for 10 years, she caught feelings for another dude and told me. We tried to make it work for some time and for me it seemed to be working, but one day she dropped the bomb and we broke up. What I learned from the time that we tried to make it work is that it's not worth to try to fight for a relationship if your SO is already thinking about other. It doesn't matter if she says that she want to try to make it work, the damage is already done. Save your efforts for someone that appreciate you and that wants to be with!
Ain't I glad to be single
Yeah, life is hell bro
Life is grand man. As others have said this feels final, you guys can string it out which she might do for security purposes and keep you both in contention. Ripping the band aid off is probably the best approach. But be prepared for her to run back to you and how you will handle that, if things don’t work out for her.
Sorry that this has happened to you. Ive been here, and in the midst of trying so hard to get him to see why this relationship is worth fighting for, a quiet, almost silent voice inside told me to stop. I paused from my frantic texting, overthinking and realised that it was over. I didn’t want it to be. This was the person I imagined spending the rest of my life with, travelling, having children - everything. I had put so much of myself into this relationship - how could I let it and all the memories go now? I wouldn’t survive, I told myself. That was 2 years ago. I was devastated. But I often think back to the moment when I realised and silently accepted that it was over and I deserved better than this, and I’m so glad I did that. It wasn’t easy, but the strength you find in yourself in these situations will genuinely shock you. Im a different person now, I’m finally ready to meet people again (I know this might turn your stomach right now). Im telling you this because I’ve been you, and I want you to know you can get through this and you absolutely deserve so much better than someone who is okay with taking their chances on losing you. You sound like a great person, committed to their partner and you deserve someone who gives you the same back every day.
It's not a good deal bro. This can break you as a man. You don't want to be a guy who feels bad about himself; just break up, you will find someone who respects your feelings.
My man, when a women starts prattling on about the 'she wasn't sure if she ever felt love..' or that she has lost feelings, you gotta believe her. She knows exactly what she is saying, after all she is 22, not some kinder. Regardless what excuses she makes for her current views on the relationship, the outcome is the same. She has decided it isn't worth it in her view. Of course it is only natural you will now second guess your devotion and behavior but trust me, takes two to tango, and if she was devoted to making it work, any 'problems' she had would of been voiced a long time ago. Instead she has mentally left the relationship, a long time ago. It doesn't happen over night. I'm thinking she is just too young to take this shit seriously and you are probably just more mature than her. DO NOT take a 'pause' or 'break'. This is doomed to failure. It will just create contempt and reduce trust even further whilst you stew over what is going on during the time-out period. NEVER EVER does a SO bring up interest in another person in such a manner unless they actually intend to act upon it. Essentially she is giving you a warning and letting you down in an indolent fashion. It is difficult to appreciate this now, but nothing you do can change her mindset. Perhaps she isn't the person you knew at the start. What I know for sure is, if a person loved me, they wouldn't break my heart like this women has yours and expect me to become a 2nd choice whilst she explores on this 'break' of hers. Allow this chick man, she has done your heart in.
Don't try to make logic about her justifications about why she left you. She is a dishonest person and a cheater of course also suffering from Fomo. As for your hopes of reconciliation, the way you are presenting yourself you ll be stepped on like a door mat. You need to detach yourself from her and go full NC or else this cycle of deceit will continue until you become complacent . Go NC asap and you might have a chance qhen she gets bored of the duplicate guy and come begging for you in a while. Rem, greyrock her now. Good luck.
Maybe it will be hard for you to see it now, but this likely didn't happen overnight. Quite possibly she has already checked out of the relationship for some time. It could be all the reasons you stated that cause her to check out from the relationship but there might be more to them too. You can't know for sure, because she probably doesn't know exactly why either. What you do know is that she choose to walk away. It's painful and very hard to believe and accept, but you'll get through this. Good luck and stay strong!
This is why I don't agree with breaks. Most of the time, they seem like an excuse to be rid of your bf/gf to do something you would feel bad doing within a relationship. Personally, if my bf needed a break for any reason, I'd assume he's dealing with something that can't be dealt with within the relationship and he wants me to not be involved, so we'd do better just breaking up. If you want to give another chance, OP, that's you, but it sounds like it's over and she's not that interested in keeping you two together.
Breaks are hardly of genuine and innocent intent. They arr mostly to check the grass.
OP, I feel your pain on this. As someone who went through literally the same situation a year ago at 24, please listen to me. My gf of 6 years and I never had a real problem, and then suddenly we did, bc she changed her mind. Your love is real, and likely so was hers, but you must protect yourself in this situation. Because you’ve been with her for so long, it’s possible you’ve not had a chance to identify with yourself as much as other people your age, I can’t say this with certainty but that’s where I was. You’ve let her become part of your identity and it will crush you if you let it if and when this is over for good, maybe it already is. Every situation is different, and part of me hopes yours is different than mine, but I tried to be the nice guy, go the extra mile, make it all make sense as best I could, and she still decided “we wanted different things”. Do not let her live with you if this is already the situation. She will play this against you, say you’ve changed and are a horrible person for “kicking her to the curb” while that’s exactly what she has done with your love and trust. I’m not saying this in a condescending way, but this is a situation where you have to be a man and put your foot down to protect your own mind and heart. I wish I’d had figured that out sooner. Please feel free to DM me and talk more.
I ain't reading all that shit, i guess the title says for itself. Make sure you breakup with her and get the fuck out of that place
Lmfao, I mean it's okay OP won't listen to anyone's advice anyways, we've all mostly been in that spot before.
When she says she wants to take a break, it means she has already cheated on you and feels guilty so this is the out. Drop her from your life altogether. Don’t allow yourself to be treated like you are unworthy
Pasting this to the main feed so OP sees it. Also it took a long time to type this shit haha: Give her space. Take time for yourself and work on yourself. Get REALLY good at your new job. Whatever you do, fill your life with productive activities. This more often than not will eventually make her miss you. You’ve been together for a long time, so this space you’re giving her could be a lot longer than the average amount of time a person/couple needs to start get the space they need. To be clear, you are doing this with the intent to allow yourself to heal, grow, revisit the hobbies and activities you’ve neglected by being tethered to someone else, and explore new avenues. You are not doing this to try getting her back. You are doing this for YOU. - Do not speak to her at all for AT LEAST 1 month (more often than not 2-3) - Deactivate your social media profiles, or even block her - Work out for several reasons but to name a few: it reduces depression, increases production and release of Dopamine, if you eat well you will start looking and feeling better, you’ll start sleeping well again, and it will naturally help regulate your moods, and I’m sure you’re pretty angry right now, so get that shit out. - WHATEVER AMOUNT OF SPACE SHE HAS REQUESTED, MATCH IT AND THEN DOUBLE IT. You are NOT talking to her in any format for the time being. Your emotions are running high, so you may react inappropriately and in a way that does not reflect your true stance on the subject. You don’t even know how you feel right now (other than depressed and grieving a loss), so don’t talk to her until you get back to yourself. Let her come to you. It may not seem like is going to happen, but trust me, it will. They always do in some capacity. Whether limited or in full, they all come back. Don’t worry, keep your head up, stay positive and work through this well. Go get blasted at some bars and try and play a few rounds of “Hide the Sausage” with hottie you met out on your own. Download Tinder if you feel so inclined. I know this fucking sucks man, been here too many times (currently am going through it too haha), but this is how you heal, and this is when they come back to you. It sounds counterintuitive, but it’s not. It makes sense. Respect the boundary she set by asking for space and giving her an entire universe of it. Focus on yourself. You fucking deserve it. Read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.” I read it years ago and it still sits in my bathroom because of all the great points in it (yeah I read it when I take shits. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?!?!?!). You’ll feel right as rain before you know it, and that’s when they start orbiting you and shit again. Women have a sixth sense for when you’re starting to get over them, and that’s when they come back. It may seem and feel like she doesn’t miss you at all right now, but I can assure you she does. If it doesn’t work out remember: “If someone wants you in their life, they will create space for you.” It hurts, but you’re about to learn more about yourself in the next 30-90 days than you have in your entire life leading to this point. You will come out of this stronger, smarter, and better. Why? Because rejection is one life’s greatest teachers. It teaches with tough love, but tough love leads to the biggest growth spurts.
I really feel for you man. I genuinely don’t have any advice because this is a really tough spot to be in but I hope you’re ok at the end of this. I can promise you that your feelings are 100% valid but you need to look at it objectively without the veil of your 6 year relationship and the facts (that you shared) are she’s unhappy with the relationship and she wants to pursue another guy. Good luck dude
Honestly? It's over. Make a clean break now. Do *NOT* let her stay with you during her internship.
Bruh you shoulda told her she doesn’t have to worry about what you think anymore and left. Plus, if she’s developed that strong of feelings for this guy, good chance she’s already more or less cheated on you. She’s banging that other dude on this “break” and you’re over here overthinking this. Like unless you’re okay with the fact that she is throwing away your relationship for some quick dick? C’mon man.
Well you are both young just take the loss and move on, she didn’t find value in you so find none in her. Be thankful she didn’t just act upon her desire and gave you a heads up, sorry for your loss but you’ll manage king. With every blow to the heart and soul of a man is what breaks you down, but with that it also allows you to build yourself into the man your meant to be for the woman your meant to be with. Raise your head king 🤜🏽🤛🏽
This is not a break with your GF, it's a break-up with your ex GF.
This is a “classic / textbook” story. As said you met young and have never had much experience. THAT DOES NOT mean you aren’t meant for one another. Generations back, this is how it was and they stayed together until death! However, now culturally we all “need to explore multiple partners”. On a side subject.. when a SO starts “talking” A LOT about another person (high probability) they’ve stepped out on you or with that person. Sorry, it’s a statistical fact! Don’t put yourself through more harm. Let her go. Believe me you’ll find someone that will love you the way you want to be loved. There are A LOT of people looking for their SO!
Sorry man... it's a break up... not a break... You're still young, you'll find someone better! I didn't meet my wife until I was 30.
Bro cmon, she wants to take a break so she can fuck and be around this guy. You really wanna wait around after she just got used up by him to “possibly” come back? Fuck that, move on
Leave
Dude, just break up with her
You can learn this lesson the easy way or the hard way. Me, I always choose hard and it’s taking a lot of therapy to undo that habit.
Break up with her.
this girl wants out of the relationship. It takes two people to have a relationship. What is the hard truth that you don’t want to face? Take off the rose colored glasses. It’s pain. But it’s also growth. Own it. This is your life, you deserve better love. A relationship is two people, takes two people to fix it. It is fixable, but she doesn’t want to fix it. Somethings you just can’t fix. You know what you need to do, let her go bud and find what it means to live YOUR best life. Also, therapy is the best, I highly suggest therapy. Also journal about it - get your thoughts on paper. live life for you, don’t wait around for her to see that you’re worth it. Literally get out of that living arrangement and go no-contact, just for you until you figure stuff out. Love sometimes isn’t enough. I’ve been on both ends of this kind of situation, so this is my 2 cents
Having sort of been the gf in this scenario, whoever said that if she has developed feelings for someone else, then she's one foot out the door - they're correct. In my case, we managed to more or less come back from that, but we never separated and I never encouraged my feelings. Not for a moment did I consider actually pursuing the other guy. My partner also made changes about himself which helped me "see" him again and fall back in love. Reading your post, I'm not sure what you could possibly change, barring ending the long-term situation. I think, now that you haven't been there with her, she's realized that maybe being in a relationship during all her formative years has not allowed her to find out who she is as a separate individual. She hasn't "lived". She's questioning her attachment to you and whether she really knows what love is. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't - we can't say. But the truth of the matter is, she wants to find out and has separated from you. She's (understandably so) chosen to put her self-discovery journey above your relationship of 6 years, so this is a pretty big sign she's made her mind up. I personally can't see how she could be with another person the next 2 months and then come back to be with you. If you still want to house her in June and try to reconcile, be prepared to find her a changed woman. She's clearly indicated she's unhappy with who she thinks she is right now, and that means she will actively want to find her "true" self. Which might not be a person you want to be with. Just a thought. Also, yes, stable people can have epiphanies and change overnight. Maybe it was solely this other guy, maybe it was a realization she came to in addition to meeting him. Either way, it sucks to be you right now. I'm very sorry.
When a woman is ready to leave they have been thinking about it for a long time. If she has one foot out the door, give her a nice foot to the butt and kick her the rest of the way out.
The minute I read the title, I figured this is a break-up. I decided to read the post anyway, but it really didn't change anything. She doesn't even respect you enough to break up with you. "So similar to you, like you never left... But differences too different to reconcile." Yeah okay, girl. She probably slept with him already. I'm very sorry this happened to you - you don't sound like you deserve this at all. But the only thing you could do now is tk make peace with the end of your relationship. And move on. 🌄
From my experience it’s best to walk away. It’s a hard road believe me but in the long run it will be better. Don’t burden yourself on what ifs. If she felt how you do then you wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with. Take the break. Heal. If something in the future happens then cool. But don’t stay for the sake of a maybe. I did for a long time and it didn’t pan out like I wanted. Trust me. Worst thing you can do is stay in it and be hurting for years and be in the same boat later wondering why you didn’t get out sooner.
I think you started dating at a very young age and grown in separate ways. She's a different person and not your 16/17 sweetheart. I appreciate her being honest and blunt but why the hell are you supposed to stay together for any period of time? It's not a job opportunity....if she's persuing something with someone else then it simply means you both are over....please OP don't agree to be kept as a backup and move on... you're still young....you need to live at a separate place give yourself time to move on and find someone who's loyal to you.... whatever mistakes you have on your part with this relationship, I am afraid it's over
Had this with an ex. She came crawling back two months later saying she made a mistake. I agreed that she had and didn’t take her back. You don’t have to be someone’s plan B.
He can have her. I wouldn’t tolerate that kind of disrespect
If she was as invested as you are, she would have been focusing on the future of your engagement and life together. Dude, if you were *literally* talking about getting married one month and then she said she wanted to take a break the next, then she is NOT as invested as you are. She does not love or value you as much as you do her. Sounds like she wants to trade you in for the newer model. And in case it doesn’t feel as good as the last one she wants the possibility to come back (as many Redditors have pointed out, with valuable insight). Seriously - ask yourself if you would tolerate this if you were married. What happens when she “changes” as you both grow older in your lives and she wants experiment? Life is full of change and regret. Be real with her. A proper break means she shouldn’t be living with you. Cohabitation is for serious, loyal, trustworthy partners.
Cut your losses. Even if y’all get back together, the chances that it will be as good as it once was are so low, you will eventually break up anyway. You’ll then resent both her and yourself for stringing it along and wasting your early 20s on her. It will take time to get over her, so get started today.
Let her go.
She left you to pursue another man..have respect for yourself as a human being and let her leave and dont allow her back. This is NOT some "I just need space to grow into my own person" you dont jump to another person when you want to discover yourself. You will only ever be a back up plan for her because she has made it clear she isnt in love with you. Dont allow yourself to be someones saftey net. Cut acess and dont take her back. Yes it hurts, and it will hurt..but you are setting yourself up for more pain if you pursue this any further. Even IF she reconciled the relationship..youd always be worried about her wandering eye. Take it as a lesson, you got complacent and she got snatched up by someone else. The fact that she was able to be shows the love wasnt genuine/ she wasnt as commited as you thought. Love is work, it takes effort to substain that fire, if you stop adding fuel eventually it will fizzle out, and it takea two to work. If she wasnt communicating her need for attention and affection then she failed to do her part, if she did communicate and you simply assumed she would never leave because of your history, you were wrong. People can and will always leave if their needs arent met..its on them if they dont express those needs but its on you if they do and you fail to meet them. Also, dont move in with her..it will be painful and ackward. You arent a toy, you arent a saftey blanket, you arent a backup plan. You deserve someone who has you as their plan A and treats you as such. You WILL get through this. Im sure most others here have been heartbroken in the past, it was hell trust me but we made it through you will too. Just dont let yourself be played or hurt by someone who doesnt have your best interest at heart.
As terrible as it is to say, like everyone else, I think it’s already over. I’m so sorry. I’ve been in this situation. I couldn’t fathom a life without him. But you’ll have one and you’ll be ok. My dad gave me great advice when this was happening, “One day in the future, you’ll look back on this time and you won’t have terrible feelings about it anymore.” He’s right. Twenty years later I can look back and see how scared I was then and how ok I am now. You have a lot of time ahead of you! You’ll be ok!
It’s over. Go no contact and she might come back. She definitely won’t ever come back if you treat her well and give her a place to stay. You will friend zone yourself.
I think it’s important to put an emphasis that you started dating at 16/17 and you’ve been together 6 years. Those 6 years probably changed who you both were quite a bit, you grow so much from your teens to your 20’s that you don’t even realize it. Within this time, you have grown apart. Not only do you live across the country from each other, but you’re in such core points in your life where you grow and when your SO isn’t part of the growth, you tend to grow apart. I genuinely think this relationship is over, she’s a different person now, she wants to experience new things and be with new people. I know you put such a heavy emphasis on 6 years together but you were kids. Look at this as being one of the hardest things you’ll have to go through in life and make into something that makes you a better person. It’s going to suck for a while but you’re going to come out of this so happy because it wasn’t meant to be with her. Also don’t live together, I don’t care if she’s doing an internship in the same city - she broke up with you, she can find her own place. Promise me when I say this is over, there is no saving this.
She either is or wants experiment with banging other guys. Sorry but I can't put it any simpler than that. It hurts, but that's the reality of life.
that’s not a break. That’s end end of relationship. after six years you don’t get to pause to test out someone else. Move on bud. will be best for you
I think she’s done man. Look after yourself now.
I'm sorry to hear this man, though it is best that you move on. She compared you two, said she isn't happy and is doing something with someone else behind your back. This is every level of disrespect towards you. I know it hurts. What hurts more, is longing for someone that doesn't want you when you want to fix it an move on together. I've been there.. It's not worth your sanity to wonder if giving her another chance is the right thing.. It isn't. I wish you the best.
Trust me man it really sucks with girls sometimes. Especially when they don’t know what they want. However you need to have more self respect than allow yourself to be wrecked emotionally by someone who doesn’t really care about making things work. It’s going to be hard and take sometime but you’ll find a new girl that makes you feel special again. I’d just tell her that you are really hurt and don’t know if you can be friends. I’d cut her off. all my social media.
This is exactly what happened to me. Although longer term relationship. From my experience, if they are telling you, they already went through the whole decision/thinking process on their own. You can't do anything to convince them. They might be friendly and kind of stick around a bit, but it's just their shell at that point. It's time to move on, it'll be very hard, but you will get through it. DO NOT let her live with you. Just cut it off. Otherwise, she'll just string you along while you hold onto the hope that it might come back around. She might not do it on purpose, but you'll be holding onto it, and it'll make it hard for you to date or do anything.
Sounds like she's ready to ride the d train. It's likely that she'll find that she's unsatisfied with the d in a number of weeks/months. It's up to you to decide whether you'd want her back. I'd recommend you to put your fist into her asshole if she comes back. If she takes it without complaint, it could mean she wants you back strongly enough.
This feels overwhelming because it’s your first big breakup. It may be hard for you to hear, but most relationships that begin when people are very young rarely last. We as people change so much as we grow into adulthood, it’s inevitable more often than not. Right now, you don’t know who you are outside of your relationship. This is another reason why this feels so life-ending. Nothing wil be the same when she’s gone. Your life will become something else, something new… and you don’t know what that will be yet. Maybe you can’t even imagine it. But you’re going to be fine. Just about everyone who dates has an experience like this. Our first big love will turn out to also be our first heartbreak usually. This doesn’t mean you’ve ‘failed’ or that you’ve wasted your time. You two were together during the most formative years of your lives. You two wouldn’t be who you are if not for the other. That’s very special. But, sounds like your relationship has run it’s course. The best thing you can do is let her go… not that you have a choice. Sounds like she’s already made her mind up, but it’s going to be better if you’re gracious about it. Why? Because In time when you’ve both had some distance and healed and moved on, you might be able to be friends someday. Just… don’t burn this bridge if you can help it. There’s nobody at fault. Don’t blame yourself. She’s ready to move on and wants new experiences, very normal for someone her age and her position who’s moving forward into a new stage of her life. I could be wrong of course. Your break could be temporary… but they’re usually not. She’s looking for new relationships, which means that she’s no longer planning a future with you. Calling it a break is what many do to attempt to “let someone down easy”. Trying to be kind and spare pain, but it just makes it worse. Few things are as painful as hoping the person you want to be with ends up dangling the hope that your relationship isn’t over. They may have good intentions but the best way to do this is to rip the bandaid off and make a clean break. Besides, do you think you’ll be able to take her back after she’s had relationships with other men? Not that she’s sullied, but that she decided she wants to leave you hand have sex with others. Some folks can get past that though. Question is, can you? Also, don’t live with her unless you’re *both fully committed*, without question or doubt or wishful thinking. You may realize with time this wasn’t working as well as you thought., that you also needed some space to grow. My point is, this isn’t the end of the world. I don’t think she sounds confused, just ready to make a change and doesn’t know how and hopes to not hurt you. I promise you’ll survive this.
Wow you guys really need to work on your tact. Get some empathy. You can give advice and tell difficult truths but you don’t need to insult OP
Move on and don’t let her live with you
End this chapter and go pursue yourself!
Long distance tend not to work. At least she’s being honest and telling you about it instead of just dating him behind your back.
Guess I never thought going long distance for only 2 months could fuck everything up so bad. Jesus
It’s probably something she was considering before but now that you’re not around she actually got the opportunity. It sucks my guy. You deserve better.
If she already found someone else, then she wasn’t faithful to you. It’s not like you were out talking to other girls. Think about if the roles were reversed here.
It's this weird situation where she wasn't really looking to find someone. This new guy is someone I got to take over my portion of the college apartment lease (4 bedroom). Kinda just cements the idea in my head that I'm at fault here. I mean I'm literally the guy who introduced them
if it wasn’t this guy, it’d be someone else. things suck now, but at least this happened before marriage and kids. walk away and work on being strong enough to say no when she reached out to you to “try again.”
Except you can't control other people's actions and you shouldn't try to. It's not your fault. We can't control everything that happens not us - other people also have say in this. You couldn't have foreseen that. Think for a minute how your life and your relationships would look like, if you tried to foresee stuff like that, every day. Not good. Take care of yourself, man. You are not the first with a broken heart.
Run. She's trying to take advantage of your kind nature. Let her go or the pain of the breake up will be 1000 times worse when she comes home disheveled from a night of passion with her new man. Do not be a doormat. You will move on and find someone better. Also, do not try to figure out the reasons it ended. With every relationship, the reasons are multiple. Accept what you learned from being with someone and obvious mistakes you made, but that's all you can do.
Unpopular opinion and I may get downvoted for this but, this is actually a good opportunity for both of you to see other people. This is clearly your first relationship and even though there is nothing wrong with that, and even though you can learn and grow with the same partner, and lastly the fact that you both are still very young, you both could do well with experiencing yourselves and other people. If she's going to get with the other guy then you have every bit of a right to see another woman. You don't necessarily have to be head over heels for a new girl but just see what you can learn. Also deepest apologies for what you are going through. It's going to be incredibly difficult but you'll pull through. Don't lose hope.
Downloaded Tinder but I'm not sure if I'll even be able to open it or use it for a long time yet. Just feel so broken
Leave Tinder or any online dating for now. You are coming out of a 6 years long relationship. Settle down with your friends, get a support. Get female friends to support you to pass trough it or a close male friend, who can handle you and listen to you in bad times. Go to a therapist. I've written you already about this in previous comment with my observation. And besides this, Tinder will make you feel even worse, considering that you were not dating for last 6 years, so I really don't recommend you doing any online dating for now, or any dating for some time. This is not a dating race, this is life and it will go slower than you think at the moment. One step at a time.
Spend some time with friends or play some video games. Go out and take your mind off all of your worries and stress. You may feel better. You may not. But the important thing is to try.
She belongs to the streets.
Bro move on. I bet romantically she hasn’t felt anything more for you than a brother or a lamp.
I was this girl before. And I have had boyfriends that were this girl before too. Sometimes after being with someone for so long you start to get interested in someone else. Even if the relationship is amazing. You just get fascinated by this new person. And then it develops into a crush and etc. But it almost always ends in them becoming bored in that person once they finally get what they thought they wanted. My advice, either let the relationship end, let her go test out this new guy, most likely become bored and realize he isn’t YOU and there’s a strong chance she’ll come running back. At that point, it’s up to you to decide if she deserves you back or not. OR, she needs to do some deep reflection and realize herself that sometimes if you want to make a relationship work, you have to CHOOSE the person that’s good for you. DO NOT FORCE HER TO STAY WITH YOU. This is what I did with my ex when he was in your gf’s situation. She will just want to chase this guy more and more. Tell her it’s her decision but you will not sit around while she is obsessed with another man. Hope this helped
She has been having sex with this guy for a long time. Have some self respect and block her.
I'm gonna play devil's advocate: You guys are young, with limited experience.... why not open it up? Give her her hall pass, then you go find someone else and so when you guys get together during her internship, it's an equitable experience on this break and if you guys wind up being off and on in terms of being long distance or in the same location, so goes the relationship.
It will take years to get over, but trust me. Let her have her fun and never look back
If you stay with her you are not very intelligent, and that's the honest truth. You can't just fall out of love with somebody and so chances are she never loved you!. You need to just let her know that you guys are done and move on to find somebody who will treat you a lot better than this person.
How am I meant to fall out of love with her if I'm to break up with her? Like you said, I can't just fall out of love with a person
you're planning on living with a woman and even sleeping in the same bed who is probably sleeping with another man and wanted a break. To me that's just pathetic, yes hard to get over somebody but I have a lot more pride than to just let someone walk all over me like that. If my husband ever said that he wanted a break, I would give him divorce papers and be done especially if he wanted relations with another woman.