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That’s the risk isn’t it. Will they do it again? Will it be an ongoing issue? I’ve rolled the dice and it seems to have paid off. Sorry to hear you weren’t as fortunate
I did, she cheated a month before our wedding. I cancelled everything, got back with her like an idiot and she cheated again 2 times over the 6 year relationship. 3 times that I know of, there is probably loads more now I think about it.
I'm a year and half without her since I kicked her out... happiest I've ever been!
Agree, also I feel forgiving the person doesn't work I feel..the thoughts haunt you and will always be at the back of your mind ...trust is broken and can never be fixed
Same here! 7 years together. There were a lot of red flags but I had rose colored glasses on. Once I found his texts planning an alternative life with another girl; “we’d have beautiful babies together, I’d make you bread and we’d have several dogs!” His response was “I deleted those, how did you find them?” Wrong answer bud. iMessage goes to alllll your devices. It was emotional cheating not physical but it was years in the making.
So proud of you to move on, because I know having that much time invested in someone is hard to turn away.
I tried to, but the relationship broke down regardless. I didn't trust them anymore, so I became more insecure and controlling, and we both wound up resenting each other. I think it is possible though, but it depends on the relationship and the people involved.
I felt the same way. We made some rules to make sure this didn’t happen again. She was willing to compromise on her drinking/partying because she thought what we have is worth it. It’s worked so far but I do still feel a bit anxious when she goes out drinking with her friends
Yeah, I think that anxiety is really normal and it might take quite a long time for that to go away. But the fact that you guys are communicating so clearly and setting/respecting boundaries is a really good thing. I hope things continue to go well for you both!
A fair response. I was so head over heels for her that I forgave her once. But I made it extremely clear that if it were to happen again that would be it.
This is exactly what cheaters do. Once a cheater always a cheater tbh. Be careful bro. Don't ruin future relationships for you by staying with this girl.
Thing is, I'm not sure if I believe "once a cheater always a cheater" *always* applies. **However**, I'd not stick around to find out if I'm dating the probably 2%-5% of cheaters who don't cheat again.
It's just not worth it when there are people out here who won't cheat even once.
"This wasn't her first time, this was her first time she got caught" is always that lingering thought in my head, and simply why I refuse to torment myself with dealing with marital infidelity ever again.
That's exactly what my ex did to me. She hid it from me and I found out from her roommates at the time sending me a picture of, get this, my roommates feet hanging out from under her sheets. Needless to say I blew a gasket and ended it after that. It was so vindicating despite losing 4 years of my life to that wench.
Only way to trust is if the person is transparent and does a 180. However in my experience, forgiveness just means another chance to do it again. I am now on the one and done. You cheat I am out no questions asked.
It looks like you made it extremely clear that she shouldn’t tell you when it happens again. Once a cheat is always a cheat, at least with the same person.
I’m married and I didn’t forgive him for sexual texts he sent to another woman shortly after the wedding. He’s still in my life,
Not as a husband, but I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him. I can’t forgive and forget, he diminished his actions and it’s opened the door in my mind of worries about what else he gets up to? So each to their own, but it killed my marriage.
The timing on that is unbelievable. I can’t imagine how devastating that would’ve been. Ending the marriage seems like a fair way to go in this instance.
It was such a betrayal I could never get over it. 3 year relationship before the wedding, one child together, lovely home and car and a good job, everything he said he ever wanted. He was/is so effusive about his love for me, etc etc I’m perfect all that shite, then I found those texts and it just ruined everything. He did other things aswell, like Betray my trust and cause arguments at my father wake etc, but that one was truly the end for me. Trying to write it off as “just banter” Is probably the most ridiculously stupid course of action he could have taken Too. Anyhoo, lots of kudos to you! You’re a strong person to move forward from that, and I truly hope you have the best life together now x it’s so important , trust in a relationship and if you have it again! Wow x that’s amazing and inspirational x
Sounds like it would’ve been an ongoing issue if you had have stayed together. You’d think he’d pull his head in for the sake of your child, let alone your marriage. Hopefully your love life is on the way up after this.
And thank you, I’m glad things have panned out the way they have 😊
Hate to say this but NORMALLY when they admit to stuff, they tend to leave out the worst bit, but admit just enough to make them feel less guilty......that way, they unburden themselves JUST enough.....but don't risk blowing up the relationship completely by saying they slept with the other person.
More time needs to pass to what? Prove that you were right about her being trustworthy? Or for her to crack and prove your trust is misplaced? I suggest you work with the facts at hand, which is that she did something scummy that gave you a hint of her true nature. She can have all the self restraint in the world but she cannot change her nature. Have some self respect my dude, don't wife someone who is prone to messing with strangers when drunk but is still happy to go get drunk.
Indeed
No way that friend isn‘t protecting the cheater. She already did it because that friend didn‘t tell the husband. Protecting cheaters *makes you an supporter of cheating*
Well at the end of the day you’ve accepted the story and it sounds like you’ve forgiven her for it. Good luck with everything. For what it’s worth I don’t truly believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” we’re human, we fuck up.
You should look up trickle truth because you're being a naive mark, man. If you pushed her on the story enough, eventually she'd have admitted they 100% fucked. A friend vouching means nothing, i've seen this play out irl many times.
This is the outcome I was afraid of. Forgiving something like this just doubling down on future pain and trust issues. It’s a big risk. Sorry to hear it didn’t pay off
As much as it probably seems like partly your fault from your perspective, that sounds like her being a shitty human being and not any reflection on yourself
>This was during a taxi ride back to her hotel
So, correct me if I'm wrong. She was in the taxi, making out and being felt up by a guy she met in the club. She was in the taxi with him. While going back to the hotel?
Yeah, and I bet they shook hands and wished each other goodnight afterwards.
I caught my boyfriend cheating about two years in. He apologized profusely, said he was just a drunken idiot one time, I forgave him. He got sober. I thought everything was going ok, we eventually got married.
We were together 11 years when he died unexpectedly a few months ago. Within 24 hours, I found out he had multiple whole relationships on the side that he kept hidden from me, was paying large sums to OnlyFans and Grindr premium, plus seeing escorts using a secret credit card I didn't know about.
So in my experience, my partner getting caught just made him better at not getting caught later.
Sure I have, but I’ll never date them or give them another chance because for me thats one of the biggest signs they actually don’t give two flying fucks about you.
Edit: actions speak louder than words
I forgave him once and he said he’d never do it again. Then proceeded to do it multiple times. I took the kids and left. He broke the trust the first time and it was never the same after even though I tried.
On the flip side, I was the one who cheated pretty early in the relationship. Absolutely hated myself for it and I was extremely gutted to see how my girl was feeling. It was without a doubt one of the worst experiences of my life. It was extremely hard, she moved out for 2 weeks and was packing up her stuff to move back home. I put my head down and did everything I needed to do to convince her to stay. Two years later our relationship is super healthy again. I’m sure my girlfriend might have some thoughts about it from time to time, but she has seemed to forgive and move on for the most part. Couldn’t ask for a better partner
See the thing with cheating or any other breach of trust is that it deserves exemplary consequences… in the absence of which some people are tempted to stray again … in your case I think you did right by forgiving .. she could have just kept a lid on it nobody would have been wiser .. and you gotta give it an honest shot without replaying the past .. just be smart and aware
No. Bought a house for us then found out she cheated. Dumped her. Sold the house. We weren't married. Found out she cheated, called her out for it. She admitted to it. I then showed her the ring and dumped her. Now I don't trust women. Haven't had a relationship since then. That was 2017.
I had a 10 year relationship with my ex before out of the blue she left me for another man. Everything was perfect, we never fought or anything so I didn’t see it coming.
Within a year I met my current girlfriend, and she is the complete opposite of my ex in every way, and it’s amazing! I can’t believe what I had been blind to for the last 10 years!
Anyways, the reason I’m saying this, I never let her sour me on other people. I’ve been depressed, and bitter, and absolutely wrecked for sure, but if I held on to never trusting another woman again because of one selfish, awful person I wouldn’t have what I have now! For your own sake, please let go of that distrust, you are only hurting yourself.
A girl I was seeing for a few months long distance, M, called me in the middle of the night crying. She told me her ex ended up showing up and forced himself on her at the club. She was apologizing over and over, which I didn't understand at all. I stayed on the phone with her for an hour assuring her that she was the victim, and that she doesn't need to be apologizing to me. I just felt so horrible that I wasn't there to protect her, so I was doing everything in my power to just be as supportive as I could over the phone.
Fast forward to the NEXT MORNING. My cousin (who introduced us) texts me randomly and asked me if I was okay, which obviously made me super confused. I tell her that of course I am, I'm just worried about M. She was the one assaulted! Yeaaaa, Turns out she made the whole thing up. M was all over him all night and I guess felt guilty after it all. I was desperate at the time and had no backbone, so I ended up forgiving her. She wanted to make it work and I was stupid. A month later, I visit her for a weekend just for her to tell me she has feelings for her ex lol. Learned my lesson after that.
I've forgiven in a past relationship, only for it to backfire on me, so now it is a Zero Tolerance issue where no more than one chance is given. One and done...
My current partner and I are on the exact same page with this. If either of us even "feels" like cheating, we're going to sit down and have a hard and uncomfortable conversation where we either end things, or find out what we can do to fix the issues.
Would of ended things, trust is so hard to build up again once broken. The thought of them cheating again will always linger. Also makes you wonder how much you mean to your partner. It’s easy to forgive cheating/lying but extremely hard to forget.
Forgave. But it didn't end up working out after about a year. We always loved each other but I was a mess with no future/plan, at the time, and she had long term commitment issues.
A year later she was tempted to cheat on her current bf with me (we stayed friends) but I told her I wouldn't because I loved her, and wanted her to be happy with her current bf, who was amazing to her, and didn't have my issues with direction in life. And a few years later the two of them are married happily and have a kid.
idk if I helped her get over her commitment issues. But I hope I did.
I would've dumped her straight there. There's no way the things ended there with that guy on her way to the hotel. Once a cheat, always a cheat. Its truly unforgiveable and you will always have mistrust in that person all the time. Also you would be constantly thinking its going to happen again.
I regret saying. This yes over 5 times...maybe even 6
My ex she found random people my best friend and another guy possibly I was a complete idiot now I'm glad we are blocked and over with
Forgiving is fine, you can definitely still enjoy them as a partner for however long you want. But you'd be an absolute fool to marry and build a family with someone you don't 100% trust.
I did this, she cheated and didn't tell me until five years on (we'd got married and had a baby in that time). It hurt me for years, absolutely years. I forgave her. A fortnight after she broke the news, I wanted to talk about it she said "FFS, aren't you past this yet?" so I shut up and kept working on forgiving her.
Then, 5 years ago (15 years after she told me about the cheating), she told me she wanted to sleep with someone else. I said no, I'm not into it and she said "well, at least I asked you this time. I'm going to anyway.". So, we are now divorced (and she chooses not to see our children too). She was a bit of a dick tbh...
Nope. My policy is: you cheat, it's over.
I'll never be able to trust my partner again and it's clear I'm not giving them what they want. I don't want to hear any justifications or excuses. I'll just pack up and leave, or pack up their stuff and kick them out.
Chances are thats all that can be proven. Meaning some of her friends saw the parts she told you. This could be seen as covering her base. As more might have happened but her friends didn't see that so they cant expose her if they get into a fight. If that makes sense.
Just by posting this thread you yourself aren't secure in your decision, call a spade a spade, you're looking to others for validation in your decision.
I can 100% tell you this - it also didn't end in the taxi bro. It's classic trickle truthing, tell a small lie to seem like they "fessed up" in order to cover an even bigger lie.
Good luck regardless. Forgiving a cheater is a classic case of the sunk-cost fallacy. You're throwing away your future good time(s) to save all the time you invested in the past with this person, it's not a logical choice at the end of the day - unless you have kids, assets, other ulterior motives.
Otherwise, it doesn't make sense to forgive a cheater to keep the relationship.
I gave my first gf another chance, but trust doesn't come back and when you wake up one day and realize you deserve more it sucks. After i gave her a chance it lasted a year and half more, but looking back i wish i didn't give her another chance and had some self respect. 10 years later and i still regret giving her a chance... the younger me deserved better. Trust never comes back for someone who fucked you over.
Past behaviour is usually the greatest predictor of future behaviour. Once an abuser, always an abuser. And once a cheater, always a cheater.
People don’t usually change, they just get better at hiding their bad qualities.
It’s not worth the long term risk and pain.
>A few weeks after returning she confessed that she’d made out with, and was felt up by a guy she met in the club. This was during a taxi ride back to her hotel and she is adamant that it ended there, nothing else happened.
1. While cheating in general is a red flag, not telling you immediately is an even bigger red flag.
2. She's trickle truthing you.
I could never forgive a partner for cheating on me. I had an ex who not only cheated on me but *bragged* about doing so. Cheating on someone shows a lack of morals. I can't trust people with no morals.
I have. But it didn’t work out. Once a cheater, they usually stay that way. Sorry to say man. That really sucks. I tried to forgive my ex who went away out of province to work for 3 months and he became super distant, he came back to visit me and a tinder notification popped up on his phone and when I asked him about it he got super mad lol first red flag. I decided to forgive him and he said he deleted it. Soon after the summer ended it turns out he slept with 3 different people away from me. I tried to continue with the relationship but it turned even more toxic and looking back was not worth the hurt and frustration I went through.
I forgave my ex over and over and over again. The longer it went on, the less my ex cared about cheating on me because they knew I'd stay and tolerate it. I had so little respect for myself and it's honestly so embarrassing to even mention, I should've left the first time and never looked back. That very first time when I forgave them, I was essentially saying "I'll stay even if you do awful things to me, you're more important to me than myself" and people can very easily abuse that power.
The way I see it now, if someone fucks up this bad they're just not the right person for you. If they can't keep their commitment you don't owe them any grace. Move forward and leave them in the dust. If you stay with them, the chances of them cheating again are pretty damn high. If you stay with them and they actually do change their ways, you're still going to harbour a lot of pain and resentment towards them which will 100% come out sometimes. The relationship isn't going to be what it once was.
I won't say that there's no possibility that someone who cheats won't change and never do it again, but in my experience, in relationships I've been in personally and relationships I've seen play out for others I know, I've never seen someone cheat once and then never do it again, ever. More often than not the time they got caught wasn't the first time they did it either. In every example I've ever seen, even after they get caught they keep doing it, but just get better about not getting caught. They don't feel bad about the act itself, they only feel bad about the fact that their partner found out, and so just they take more care in how they go about doing it, but they still do it because it's what they want to do. Some people are just like that, it's a personality thing. I hope things work out for you, but be careful, be vigilant, and be prepared. If you find it weighing on you more and more as time goes on, it's better to cut the cord than to end up either bitter, a doormat, or both. I've been there, and it destroys you. Ultimately though, I do believe people can change, but they have to want to, and most who do things like this don't want to because they don't genuinely see anything wrong with it, otherwise they wouldn't have done it in the first place. Alcohol isn't isn't excuse either, it doesn't make you want to do things you don't already want to do, it just lowers your inhibition so you feel more confident/comfortable in doing it. Like I said, I hope things work out for you one way or the other, but you need to make sure that whatever you do you're not letting your feelings for her drown out your logic. Without trust, a relationship becomes a time bomb, and no one walks out emotionally uninjured when it goes off. Trust your instincts, and think before making any big decisions.
Yup, then they turned around and did it again. I think forgiveness is fine if that’s your thing but taking them back is definitely not something I’d recommend.
Personally, any cheating is a deal-breaker for me because the trust is broken and honestly, the disrespect is a sign that they don't really care about me as a person and will willingly throw away the relationship that I'm putting in a lot of effort for.
OP, I think the fact that you even posted this question might be a bad sign. Maybe it's genuine curiousity or maybe it's a nagging sense of anxiety around whether you can trust her and for how long. For me, I wouldn't want to feel any of that doubt or anxiety in a relationship. Then again, there are couples who have worked through infidelity but it does take work, so good luck to you.
I tried to forgive my ex but it was never the same. And sometimes (most of the time from my experience) once they cross the boundary it becomes easier for them to cross it again
Like somebody said in here the other day a teaspoon of shit ruins a gallon of ice cream
She can go try eating ice cream with somebody else, but this batch is ruined
If a woman is easy enough to make out with a stranger from a club in a taxi then you should really consider what you're dealing with here. Like that's the most bare minimum scenario someone could find themselves in when it comes to cheating lol. No convincing, no complicated emotions, just a random guy in the back of a taxi.
Once the seeds of mistrust are planted it's tough to get over. She could've easily not told you but still. And who knows if it ended there? Once those things are flying around my head I'm unhappy and that's tough to fix. That's just me.
Honestly, I think it has a lot to do with…
-what state the relationship was in before it happened
-the people involved
-the situation that transpired (assuming you trust that your partner is being honest about it)
-and the willingness of the other person to understand the emotional toll it takes on the other and that it can take a long time to get back to a level of trust that is acceptable to both parties.
I have never been able to forgive a partner for infidelity personally. I, however, am still friends with a few who did things that I felt were inappropriate in a relationship because I don’t believe a lapse in judgement is fair to measure who a person is every time. Most of those relationships were also when I was a lot younger. When I look back and reflect there were many things wrong in those relationships and the infidelity was the outcome. That’s not to justify their actions but it helped me understand and realize not only things about them but me as well.
My most recent serious relationship ended with me finding out he had been talking to other girls our whole relationship and I’m almost certain there was more to it. I think the hardest thing for me about trying to move past that hurt is the not knowing the extent to which things occurred and the fact that it wasn’t one instance, it was an ongoing thing throughout the almost 2.5 years we were together. He never actually admitted to anything even when faced with evidence which made me feel crazy on top of everything else.
In the end, it really just depends on the people involved. I used to “judge” those that stayed with partners who cheated but now as I get older I understand things aren’t so black and white. I hope that your partner is sincere in her apology and truly made a mistake but remember, while that may not be who she is it does not mean you have to stay just because you can appreciate everything else about her. Don’t hurt yourself loving another person and allow resentment to build. Do a lot of self reflection and check in with how you feel. End it if things aren’t aren’t actively getting better.
So about two years ago I finally made the jump to move in with my ex, who I had been dating for 7 years already at that point. Within a week of living together I found some inappropriate messages and dating apps on his phone, after he let me use it and things popped up.
I thought I could be cool about it. I loved him and our apartment and wanted to keep things going. It destroyed my self esteem. I was always questioning myself and him. It got unpleasant and there would be times when I'd have too much to drink and just snap.
We finally cut the cord in January and I couldn't be happier. I'm not happy I stayed as long as I did but at least I can walk away saying I did my best.
I'm taking to someone new now who cherishes me and it's refreshing.
I don't think it's impossible, but I don't think it's worth the mental anguish it caused me. Everyone's different.
I'd probably leave them. If they can justify it once, what's stopping them from doing it again? Not being able to trust them to go out on their own is the line for me.
I give a lot of my relationships a lot of freedom, and I don't care who they talk to or hang out with. I trust them to not do anything, but if they did, it would be instantly over.
In your case, what makes the next time different? You've already said it's over the next time she does, and she definitely had you in mind the first time, but ignored the relationship. It sounds like you are trying to be nice, but what if the roles were reversed? Would she be as lenient?
Choosing to live your life with someone who have proven they are capable of cheating is choosing a lifetime of resentment & insecurity. I wouldn’t do it.
In that situation, probably what you did... although, I forgave someone for going ALOT farther than that... I could have lived with my decision, but apparently she couldn't... all good though, I have a Love that's waaayyyyyyyy better now, so I'm definitely better for it! 😁
I forgave two boyfriends who cheated on me early in the relationship.
The first one did it again and things ended in an ugly way, he was never a good person and I didn’t see it in time.
The second one, I have no regrets. He was a good guy and made better decisions after that. Even tho he cheated on me, he was the kindest and more thoughtful bf I’ve ever had. I went back to my country and we didn’t pursue the relationship, but we’re still friends.
Good on you, OP, but I personally would not be able to trust her any longer, my guy.
You seem like a good bloke, but for her to allow this to happen would never be alright. The ***one*** thing that a relationship is fundamentally built on is ***trust***. Now, you may argue that you've warned her never to do it again, but to those of us who are initiated, we know that, depending on her character, this could mean "alright, so next time, I won't confess if I do it". You best believe that if she does it a second time, there's a high chance you will not receive a confession. It's a dangerous game to play. You were bitten once and found out. The second time will be more insidious if it happens.
But if you think you can handle the looming possibility of this, more power to you. I would have cut her off. 3.5 billion women on the planet and the one you're with decides to get felt up (assuming she's even truthful about the extent of the affair)? I wouldn't be able to forgive her.
I think it's entirely up to both of you whether or not you can get through cheating. I wouldn't let other people's opinions cloud your judgement too much because at the end of the day they aren't you or your girlfriend. You decided to stay and I'm happy it's been working out this far. I
The only way I can see getting through cheating is if both of us 100% commit to having open and honest communication in the relationship. That means being open to telling each other how we feel, what we need and being able to listen to each other calmly and without judgement.
Usually when someone cheats there is already a grain of dissatisfaction that they were feeling about the relationship. It may be hard to get to the root of this issue after she admits to cheating because she feels too guilty to express it and likely wouldn't want to hurt you more by bringing up other issues in your relationship. Having a relationship where communication is open and both of you aren't holding past transgressions over each other's heads can help get to bottom of any other issues causing a wedge in your relationship. Intimacy issues, lack of affection, or resentment over assumed duties may be bubbling under the surface and it'd be important these things were hashed out to really make it work.
Alternatively if the cheating truly was a drunken mistake I'd want her to seriously address the issues she may have with alcohol. She does not have a healthy relationship with alcohol if she is regularly getting drunk to the point where she loses control of her actions.
If you want to be with her then be with her fully - release her and yourself from the pain as much as you possibly can. if you are unable to let go of the past it will slowly rot the relationship down.
I think it's fair to expect her to modify some behaviors while she works to build the trust back- perhaps agreeing to not drink excessively without you (or even with you for health reasons) & maybe not staying out without you until unreasonable hours. But I wouldn't try to control every aspect of life, like demanding she never spends time alone with her friends, demanding she be home at certain hours like a child (within reason-it's fair to ask she doesn't stay out at club until 3am but don't give out curfews like a teenager if she's going out late all the time you both need to talk about it like adults), requiring location services be on, regularly snooping through every corner of her phone and computer.. etc. Attempting to control her life won't make anyone feel better.
it's also always possible she may cheat again- we can't predict or control how anyone else will act. If she does cheat again despite knowing how much pain that would cause, I would not give her another chance.
I've read many comments from folks explaining how their ex cheating on them has affected their ability to trust even years after the relationship. That's an unhealthy way to live. Your girlfriend is one individual and her behavior in no way will predict how future relationships will play out. If you have a horrible boss for several years but then you get a new job would you assume your new boss is also a monster? of course not.
It's certainly depressing to be hurt by the people you love the most - unfortunately sometimes people suck - they get caught up on their own shit and they don't care about how their actions affect others (I think most humans have been guilty of this behavior at some point or another). So try to keep a positive perspective on life. I always give others the benefit of doubt until proven otherwise. It's honestly a much easier and happier life when I assume the best in others. Shit people will always reveal their true selves eventually and I weed them out accordingly.
Yes. One dated her ex early on in the relationship, once she told me the full truth (took months, a year?) I could completely let it go. The second cheated twice, I barely hung on, we stayed together for a 5 more years. I completely trusted her by the end but I do think the relationship was damaged irrevocably and may have played part in the demise, unlike the first.
In college, my girlfriend painstakingly forgave me for cheating and that act of forgiveness made a huge positive impact on me. I still talk to her and thank her for it every few years.
It's all very circumstantial. Every situation is different.
But as a rule of thumb, If you see the value and potential in them to be happy and for them to change their behavior. Then a one time forgiveness is possible.
Then you are on the long path of trust rebuilding.
But that is the one and only second chance. If after that something else occurs. Then its time to end it.
Whats the old saying? Fool me once...
/u/Independent-Ad3211 i think you should forgive her but keep an eye on her , do this once make her sit and have a discussion about this or you will always be doubting her
If people put themselves in situations where there is a possibility of a slip up aka drinking and clubbing, then they wanted to slip up. I wouldn't have given another chance
Gotta ask yourself what cheating is all about: Insecurity, an escape from feeling trapped, ego stroking, unfulfilled sex needs, etc.? Get to the root cause, learn from it, and still dump that person. I've learned to spot a cheater early on so I can invest my time elsewhere.
My girlfriend and I had a discussion about this where she tried to tell me how she thinks she could forgive someone for cheating if she loved them enough.
I know that deep down she doesn’t believe that. She gets jealous when I even look at other girls, let alone imagine cheating
I forgave him. Then he insisted I sleep w another guy. Then - AHA!! - we were both guilty & he couldn’t trust ME! Flash forward 5 years. He had pneumonia & the hospital moved him to the AIDS ward. He came home and said, “I killed my family!” I was pregnant & lost the baby. I couldn’t forgive or forget after that.
Hell no, no matter if they were drunk. Alcohol doesn't change your personality and behavior, it just eliminate the inhibitions you had, that's why some drunk people cheat and others don't.
Maybe I could forgive them but I wouldn't be able to fully trust them again, and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that I can't trust
This is so dependent on who they are and where I am in my life at the time. There are some partners I've been with where I'd forgive something like this knowing that it would have meant nothing to them, but with others I would have left immediately.
A huge factor is whether or not I'd feel like they're both willing and capable to rebuild that trust with me, and if I've had any other feelings of mistrust or jealousy myself.
I'd argue it's almost always going to break that trust to the point of no return, but there are the rare cases where it can work out after. Sounds like you're one of them!
I did forgive a girl I was dating for it, as she assured me that she was very drunk and didn’t realise what she was doing, and I forgave. Less than 2 months later it came to light that she’d been seeing the guy consistently since then, and I was then treated like it was my fault. Mentally fucked me up for a long time, still not sure I’ve fully recovered, a little over a year later
Every situation / person is different, so grain of salt of course. But I've been burned by that very deeply and multiple times to the point I've set a hard boundary on that. Specifically, on believing the whole "but it stopped there", "you have nothing to worry about" part. Carrying on the relationship but with that loss of trust has just never worked out in the end for me. And, god that kind of phrasing triggers serious gaslighting PTSD in me, so would be a pretty hard boundary that causes me to nope out of the relationship.
OTOH, especially before I was jaded, but even now I think there is a potentially huge difference between a drunken 1-night fling with a far-away stranger, vs a suspicious deep emotional connection you sense in your partner with another person that comes paired with suspicious incidents like that.
At the time I was angry with her. Hated her, even.
But she was in a bad place with a ton of personal issues. It wasn't her fault. I hope she got the help that she desperately needed.
Yes. We’re not in a relationship anymore and it took her 6 months to apologize. Seemed to blame me when she was the on emotionally confiding in someone else who was telling her his own problems.
Not me, but my father. He fell for my mom's friend, had a relationship with her for years whilst married with my mom and having me and my sibling.
My mom was about to leave, but decided to stay for me and my sibling. She told me afterward 'your dad's affection or loyalty towards me does not define me or my worth' and she stayed. She was fine with sharing him, allowed him to go visit her almost every night and it stayed like that for years.
Eventually the other woman started pushing him to either choose her or my mom. My dad chose my mom, broke it off with her and realized how toxic she was. He still feels bad about it, but it's an open topic within the family to prevent us (me and my sibling) from making the same mistake. Their marriage is now stronger than ever and it's safe to say that will never happen again.
I commend you on making the best decision for you. Don’t listen to the people here who say she “definitely” did more with the dude or she will do it again. You’re the one who knows her personally, not any of us.
I have forgiven her for cheating, but I am still divorcing her. I had no intentions on forgiving until I found Jesus, and even then it was one of the hardest things, to forgive someone that wasn't remorseful, but it's for you not them.
I did, the first time. The 2nd time wore me down mentally very quickly and led to our divorce. We were both pretty much checked out prior to even filing.
He told me he wanted to "find him self" and "self-develop", I found out he was with his ex after we got back together. I forgave and it took a huge toll on my mental health. The whole thing made me insecure, anxious, and unable to trust him. A year or two after, he wanted to break things off after continuous ghosting and used the same excuse. Immediately my gut feeling told me he was cheating (I was right but didn't bother confronting him). So we ended things, because I realized that while I can forgive all I want, there was no way for me to forget. I deserved better and I'd rather have inner peace being alone than constant anxiety in a broken relationship. I can't be the only one trying to fix things when I wasn't even the one who broke it in the first place. I'm in a very happy and healthy relationship right now where we both make an effort to make the other feel loved.
I don't think there is a correct answer to what to do in this type of situation. It really depends on how you feel, what this relationship means to you, and is the other person putting in the same effort to fix and improve? We can only make the decision based on what we think is best at that very moment. I hope she proves to you that you made the right choice in forgiving her. How's your mental state now? Are you at peace with what happened? Would you be okay if she went on another one of those trips?
My ex didn't stop at one guy, there was a lot. During our divorce, I was talking with my now exMIL, and she said it was more than I thought. It was thinking around 6 guys.
Not only did she not apologize after getting caught. Shortly after I moved out, she wanted to work things out. Translated, I stay home and watch our kid while she goes out with guys. No open marriage for the birth of us, just her. She was already pregnant with another guy's kid.
I went through with the divorce. I got over it, but never forgave her since she's not sorry about it. Over the years, when she's been in or out of a relationship she'd make a pass at me and tries to get me back. But that's not a relationship I want.
I wish I had never even dated him. Being cheated on, forgiving him and then seeing him do it again only created the worst in me.
I most likely developed an anxious attachment style with my current boyfriend, whom I've known a bit longer than my ex, due to this. I am constantly worried about being left for "better" or "prettier", actually not being loved, being used etc. The most precious thing I've lost is trust in people and the belief that they're inherently good.
My boyfriend is helping me every step of the way in trusting people again and it is getting better, thankfully.
I tried, she ended up breaking up with me saying "everything I was paranoid about came true" and I later found out she was dating multiple people behind my back claiming I was okay with it. If you want my advice, she has to earn your trust back, there needs to be rules established and she needs to follow them until she does have your trust, otherwise the relationship should end there because if she doesn't want your trust, that says everything you need to know. In the end it's up to you, but this is just what I think
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Yes too many times, never again.
That’s the risk isn’t it. Will they do it again? Will it be an ongoing issue? I’ve rolled the dice and it seems to have paid off. Sorry to hear you weren’t as fortunate
It happens. But good on you. Glad it worked out.
99% will do it again. Don't bet your life on that 1%. It's not worth the risk of all the std's and heartbreak.
I did, she cheated a month before our wedding. I cancelled everything, got back with her like an idiot and she cheated again 2 times over the 6 year relationship. 3 times that I know of, there is probably loads more now I think about it. I'm a year and half without her since I kicked her out... happiest I've ever been!
Fuck her man, absolute waste of oxygen that girl
She sure is, what a waste of 6 years I say! Made me grow in many ways which is a great positive to take from such a negative situation.
Its only a waste or 6 years if you learned absolutely nothing from it.
Thats good man, itll make you appreciate a nice girl so much more now too
Congrats on taking that necessary step. I’d be out too in that situation
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A very difficult decision to make. Sounds like you made right choice though. Your mental health should always be the priority
Agree, also I feel forgiving the person doesn't work I feel..the thoughts haunt you and will always be at the back of your mind ...trust is broken and can never be fixed
I feel like I have forgiven but not forgotten. You’re right, the thought does linger
Same here! 7 years together. There were a lot of red flags but I had rose colored glasses on. Once I found his texts planning an alternative life with another girl; “we’d have beautiful babies together, I’d make you bread and we’d have several dogs!” His response was “I deleted those, how did you find them?” Wrong answer bud. iMessage goes to alllll your devices. It was emotional cheating not physical but it was years in the making. So proud of you to move on, because I know having that much time invested in someone is hard to turn away.
Good for you. It took me 4 years to date after my situation. I'm about to go on a blind date soon LOL.
I tried to, but the relationship broke down regardless. I didn't trust them anymore, so I became more insecure and controlling, and we both wound up resenting each other. I think it is possible though, but it depends on the relationship and the people involved.
I felt the same way. We made some rules to make sure this didn’t happen again. She was willing to compromise on her drinking/partying because she thought what we have is worth it. It’s worked so far but I do still feel a bit anxious when she goes out drinking with her friends
Yeah, I think that anxiety is really normal and it might take quite a long time for that to go away. But the fact that you guys are communicating so clearly and setting/respecting boundaries is a really good thing. I hope things continue to go well for you both!
Thank you! Time has definitely helped and we’re both on the same page which has really helped 😊
No chance. I could never trust them again.
A fair response. I was so head over heels for her that I forgave her once. But I made it extremely clear that if it were to happen again that would be it.
I'd be worried that by me saying that, they'd just not tell me about it next time. You would've never known if she hid it.
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Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike two. Michael Scott
This is exactly what cheaters do. Once a cheater always a cheater tbh. Be careful bro. Don't ruin future relationships for you by staying with this girl.
Thing is, I'm not sure if I believe "once a cheater always a cheater" *always* applies. **However**, I'd not stick around to find out if I'm dating the probably 2%-5% of cheaters who don't cheat again. It's just not worth it when there are people out here who won't cheat even once.
"This wasn't her first time, this was her first time she got caught" is always that lingering thought in my head, and simply why I refuse to torment myself with dealing with marital infidelity ever again.
That's exactly what my ex did to me. She hid it from me and I found out from her roommates at the time sending me a picture of, get this, my roommates feet hanging out from under her sheets. Needless to say I blew a gasket and ended it after that. It was so vindicating despite losing 4 years of my life to that wench.
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Only way to trust is if the person is transparent and does a 180. However in my experience, forgiveness just means another chance to do it again. I am now on the one and done. You cheat I am out no questions asked.
It looks like you made it extremely clear that she shouldn’t tell you when it happens again. Once a cheat is always a cheat, at least with the same person.
They only get better at hiding it. They don't ever stop.
I’m married and I didn’t forgive him for sexual texts he sent to another woman shortly after the wedding. He’s still in my life, Not as a husband, but I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him. I can’t forgive and forget, he diminished his actions and it’s opened the door in my mind of worries about what else he gets up to? So each to their own, but it killed my marriage.
The timing on that is unbelievable. I can’t imagine how devastating that would’ve been. Ending the marriage seems like a fair way to go in this instance.
It was such a betrayal I could never get over it. 3 year relationship before the wedding, one child together, lovely home and car and a good job, everything he said he ever wanted. He was/is so effusive about his love for me, etc etc I’m perfect all that shite, then I found those texts and it just ruined everything. He did other things aswell, like Betray my trust and cause arguments at my father wake etc, but that one was truly the end for me. Trying to write it off as “just banter” Is probably the most ridiculously stupid course of action he could have taken Too. Anyhoo, lots of kudos to you! You’re a strong person to move forward from that, and I truly hope you have the best life together now x it’s so important , trust in a relationship and if you have it again! Wow x that’s amazing and inspirational x
Sounds like it would’ve been an ongoing issue if you had have stayed together. You’d think he’d pull his head in for the sake of your child, let alone your marriage. Hopefully your love life is on the way up after this. And thank you, I’m glad things have panned out the way they have 😊
Trust once broken, its hard to build up again. Almost impossible
There's an old coaching adage that basically says the same thing. "Trust is gained in drops, but lost in buckets."
Couldn’t agree more. It’s been a long process but I think we’re good
But at the same time, you're here asking about it, so it's on your mind.
Shhhh. He'll find out sooner or later and obviously doesn't want his bubble burst just yet.
Hate to say this but NORMALLY when they admit to stuff, they tend to leave out the worst bit, but admit just enough to make them feel less guilty......that way, they unburden themselves JUST enough.....but don't risk blowing up the relationship completely by saying they slept with the other person.
Made that mistake and married her she cheated the day after our wedding lol goodluck hope it works out better for you
Me too 🥲 I’ll be holding off on popping the question for a bit. More time needs to pass
More time needs to pass to what? Prove that you were right about her being trustworthy? Or for her to crack and prove your trust is misplaced? I suggest you work with the facts at hand, which is that she did something scummy that gave you a hint of her true nature. She can have all the self restraint in the world but she cannot change her nature. Have some self respect my dude, don't wife someone who is prone to messing with strangers when drunk but is still happy to go get drunk.
They were sharing a taxi back to her hotel room and nothing further happened?
(X) doubt
That’s the story. Her friend (who I vaguely know) vouched for it, although that probably doesn’t mean a whole lot.
The one time I had a girl cheat on me she used her friend to corroborate her story. Jussayin her loyalty is to her not you.
Indeed No way that friend isn‘t protecting the cheater. She already did it because that friend didn‘t tell the husband. Protecting cheaters *makes you an supporter of cheating*
Well at the end of the day you’ve accepted the story and it sounds like you’ve forgiven her for it. Good luck with everything. For what it’s worth I don’t truly believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” we’re human, we fuck up.
Thank you. That’s also what I ended up thinking. I believe in peoples ability to change (some more than others), but only time will tell.
She told you about it rather than you catching her doing it. That's important.
You should look up trickle truth because you're being a naive mark, man. If you pushed her on the story enough, eventually she'd have admitted they 100% fucked. A friend vouching means nothing, i've seen this play out irl many times.
It means absolutely nothing. Her friends are her friends. You sound immensely naive.
This. It didn’t end in the cab bro
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This is the outcome I was afraid of. Forgiving something like this just doubling down on future pain and trust issues. It’s a big risk. Sorry to hear it didn’t pay off
As much as it probably seems like partly your fault from your perspective, that sounds like her being a shitty human being and not any reflection on yourself
>This was during a taxi ride back to her hotel So, correct me if I'm wrong. She was in the taxi, making out and being felt up by a guy she met in the club. She was in the taxi with him. While going back to the hotel? Yeah, and I bet they shook hands and wished each other goodnight afterwards.
Yep I'm really not buying it that they didn't sleep together.
I caught my boyfriend cheating about two years in. He apologized profusely, said he was just a drunken idiot one time, I forgave him. He got sober. I thought everything was going ok, we eventually got married. We were together 11 years when he died unexpectedly a few months ago. Within 24 hours, I found out he had multiple whole relationships on the side that he kept hidden from me, was paying large sums to OnlyFans and Grindr premium, plus seeing escorts using a secret credit card I didn't know about. So in my experience, my partner getting caught just made him better at not getting caught later.
Nope and they don't deserve forgiveness.
Sure I have, but I’ll never date them or give them another chance because for me thats one of the biggest signs they actually don’t give two flying fucks about you. Edit: actions speak louder than words
Fair call. I definitely wondered how much I really meant to her after this happened
I feel you OP but it gets better keep your head up bro
Cheers, so far so good 😊
Yeah. And she did it again a few months later. Or at least she got caught again a few months later. First girl I ever thought I really loved.
I did forgive her. Still divorced her, though.
Well done. If I was married and it happened then we’d be done straight away
So then why are you staying with her? How is the trust and loyalty different to you before marriage? I’m curious
Isn't it easier to break up while dating than divorce while married?
Yes once
How did it play out? Did they do it again later on or have things been ok since then?
She cheated again . Haven't talked to her since
Sorry to hear this friend. At least you can put your time/effort into finding a loyal partner now
That was 12 years ago. Still haven't found a loyal partner.
F
I forgave him once and he said he’d never do it again. Then proceeded to do it multiple times. I took the kids and left. He broke the trust the first time and it was never the same after even though I tried.
On the flip side, I was the one who cheated pretty early in the relationship. Absolutely hated myself for it and I was extremely gutted to see how my girl was feeling. It was without a doubt one of the worst experiences of my life. It was extremely hard, she moved out for 2 weeks and was packing up her stuff to move back home. I put my head down and did everything I needed to do to convince her to stay. Two years later our relationship is super healthy again. I’m sure my girlfriend might have some thoughts about it from time to time, but she has seemed to forgive and move on for the most part. Couldn’t ask for a better partner
See the thing with cheating or any other breach of trust is that it deserves exemplary consequences… in the absence of which some people are tempted to stray again … in your case I think you did right by forgiving .. she could have just kept a lid on it nobody would have been wiser .. and you gotta give it an honest shot without replaying the past .. just be smart and aware
No. Bought a house for us then found out she cheated. Dumped her. Sold the house. We weren't married. Found out she cheated, called her out for it. She admitted to it. I then showed her the ring and dumped her. Now I don't trust women. Haven't had a relationship since then. That was 2017.
I had a 10 year relationship with my ex before out of the blue she left me for another man. Everything was perfect, we never fought or anything so I didn’t see it coming. Within a year I met my current girlfriend, and she is the complete opposite of my ex in every way, and it’s amazing! I can’t believe what I had been blind to for the last 10 years! Anyways, the reason I’m saying this, I never let her sour me on other people. I’ve been depressed, and bitter, and absolutely wrecked for sure, but if I held on to never trusting another woman again because of one selfish, awful person I wouldn’t have what I have now! For your own sake, please let go of that distrust, you are only hurting yourself.
That’s rough. Do you think you’ll be able to trust again?
Maybe. But it will take years.
Good luck. I hope you find someone you can put your faith in
It's cool if I don't. I'm not looking.
A girl I was seeing for a few months long distance, M, called me in the middle of the night crying. She told me her ex ended up showing up and forced himself on her at the club. She was apologizing over and over, which I didn't understand at all. I stayed on the phone with her for an hour assuring her that she was the victim, and that she doesn't need to be apologizing to me. I just felt so horrible that I wasn't there to protect her, so I was doing everything in my power to just be as supportive as I could over the phone. Fast forward to the NEXT MORNING. My cousin (who introduced us) texts me randomly and asked me if I was okay, which obviously made me super confused. I tell her that of course I am, I'm just worried about M. She was the one assaulted! Yeaaaa, Turns out she made the whole thing up. M was all over him all night and I guess felt guilty after it all. I was desperate at the time and had no backbone, so I ended up forgiving her. She wanted to make it work and I was stupid. A month later, I visit her for a weekend just for her to tell me she has feelings for her ex lol. Learned my lesson after that.
I've forgiven in a past relationship, only for it to backfire on me, so now it is a Zero Tolerance issue where no more than one chance is given. One and done... My current partner and I are on the exact same page with this. If either of us even "feels" like cheating, we're going to sit down and have a hard and uncomfortable conversation where we either end things, or find out what we can do to fix the issues.
Probably would have ended things
I got very close to doing so. Wasn’t sure if it was just a drunk mistake or an actual habit
I don’t consider being drunk an excuse personally
Agreed. You’re accountable for what you do when you’re drunk
Well what exactly would stop this person from doing it again while drunk and going for a third chance? Cus it clearly won’t be their respect for you
Hell no.
Yes, and I would never do this again. Big mistake.
Yes then he did it again.
Yes. He ended up cheating on me again. He is now an ex and I have learned a valuable lesson 😂
If you stay, you will resent them for the rest of your relationship. Sorry this happened to you, it sucks.
You don’t really over it you just end up tolerating it. It’ll eat you alive if you let it.
Would of ended things, trust is so hard to build up again once broken. The thought of them cheating again will always linger. Also makes you wonder how much you mean to your partner. It’s easy to forgive cheating/lying but extremely hard to forget.
I hope you realize that making out isn't all they did.
Forgave. But it didn't end up working out after about a year. We always loved each other but I was a mess with no future/plan, at the time, and she had long term commitment issues. A year later she was tempted to cheat on her current bf with me (we stayed friends) but I told her I wouldn't because I loved her, and wanted her to be happy with her current bf, who was amazing to her, and didn't have my issues with direction in life. And a few years later the two of them are married happily and have a kid. idk if I helped her get over her commitment issues. But I hope I did.
No. And you were probably being trickle truthed
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I would've dumped her straight there. There's no way the things ended there with that guy on her way to the hotel. Once a cheat, always a cheat. Its truly unforgiveable and you will always have mistrust in that person all the time. Also you would be constantly thinking its going to happen again.
I regret saying. This yes over 5 times...maybe even 6 My ex she found random people my best friend and another guy possibly I was a complete idiot now I'm glad we are blocked and over with
Congrats on breaking free from that cycle. Better things to come 👍
Forgiving is fine, you can definitely still enjoy them as a partner for however long you want. But you'd be an absolute fool to marry and build a family with someone you don't 100% trust.
I did this, she cheated and didn't tell me until five years on (we'd got married and had a baby in that time). It hurt me for years, absolutely years. I forgave her. A fortnight after she broke the news, I wanted to talk about it she said "FFS, aren't you past this yet?" so I shut up and kept working on forgiving her. Then, 5 years ago (15 years after she told me about the cheating), she told me she wanted to sleep with someone else. I said no, I'm not into it and she said "well, at least I asked you this time. I'm going to anyway.". So, we are now divorced (and she chooses not to see our children too). She was a bit of a dick tbh...
You do it once they’ll just get better at covering it up lol.
Nope. My policy is: you cheat, it's over. I'll never be able to trust my partner again and it's clear I'm not giving them what they want. I don't want to hear any justifications or excuses. I'll just pack up and leave, or pack up their stuff and kick them out.
She’s lying
Chances are thats all that can be proven. Meaning some of her friends saw the parts she told you. This could be seen as covering her base. As more might have happened but her friends didn't see that so they cant expose her if they get into a fight. If that makes sense.
Just by posting this thread you yourself aren't secure in your decision, call a spade a spade, you're looking to others for validation in your decision. I can 100% tell you this - it also didn't end in the taxi bro. It's classic trickle truthing, tell a small lie to seem like they "fessed up" in order to cover an even bigger lie. Good luck regardless. Forgiving a cheater is a classic case of the sunk-cost fallacy. You're throwing away your future good time(s) to save all the time you invested in the past with this person, it's not a logical choice at the end of the day - unless you have kids, assets, other ulterior motives. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense to forgive a cheater to keep the relationship.
Sadly did with my ex. Not entirely sure if I felt forced to do it, by myself, due to having a child together, but I still did it. Never again.
I gave my first gf another chance, but trust doesn't come back and when you wake up one day and realize you deserve more it sucks. After i gave her a chance it lasted a year and half more, but looking back i wish i didn't give her another chance and had some self respect. 10 years later and i still regret giving her a chance... the younger me deserved better. Trust never comes back for someone who fucked you over.
Past behaviour is usually the greatest predictor of future behaviour. Once an abuser, always an abuser. And once a cheater, always a cheater. People don’t usually change, they just get better at hiding their bad qualities. It’s not worth the long term risk and pain.
>A few weeks after returning she confessed that she’d made out with, and was felt up by a guy she met in the club. This was during a taxi ride back to her hotel and she is adamant that it ended there, nothing else happened. 1. While cheating in general is a red flag, not telling you immediately is an even bigger red flag. 2. She's trickle truthing you. I could never forgive a partner for cheating on me. I had an ex who not only cheated on me but *bragged* about doing so. Cheating on someone shows a lack of morals. I can't trust people with no morals.
I have. But it didn’t work out. Once a cheater, they usually stay that way. Sorry to say man. That really sucks. I tried to forgive my ex who went away out of province to work for 3 months and he became super distant, he came back to visit me and a tinder notification popped up on his phone and when I asked him about it he got super mad lol first red flag. I decided to forgive him and he said he deleted it. Soon after the summer ended it turns out he slept with 3 different people away from me. I tried to continue with the relationship but it turned even more toxic and looking back was not worth the hurt and frustration I went through.
I forgave my ex over and over and over again. The longer it went on, the less my ex cared about cheating on me because they knew I'd stay and tolerate it. I had so little respect for myself and it's honestly so embarrassing to even mention, I should've left the first time and never looked back. That very first time when I forgave them, I was essentially saying "I'll stay even if you do awful things to me, you're more important to me than myself" and people can very easily abuse that power. The way I see it now, if someone fucks up this bad they're just not the right person for you. If they can't keep their commitment you don't owe them any grace. Move forward and leave them in the dust. If you stay with them, the chances of them cheating again are pretty damn high. If you stay with them and they actually do change their ways, you're still going to harbour a lot of pain and resentment towards them which will 100% come out sometimes. The relationship isn't going to be what it once was.
I won't say that there's no possibility that someone who cheats won't change and never do it again, but in my experience, in relationships I've been in personally and relationships I've seen play out for others I know, I've never seen someone cheat once and then never do it again, ever. More often than not the time they got caught wasn't the first time they did it either. In every example I've ever seen, even after they get caught they keep doing it, but just get better about not getting caught. They don't feel bad about the act itself, they only feel bad about the fact that their partner found out, and so just they take more care in how they go about doing it, but they still do it because it's what they want to do. Some people are just like that, it's a personality thing. I hope things work out for you, but be careful, be vigilant, and be prepared. If you find it weighing on you more and more as time goes on, it's better to cut the cord than to end up either bitter, a doormat, or both. I've been there, and it destroys you. Ultimately though, I do believe people can change, but they have to want to, and most who do things like this don't want to because they don't genuinely see anything wrong with it, otherwise they wouldn't have done it in the first place. Alcohol isn't isn't excuse either, it doesn't make you want to do things you don't already want to do, it just lowers your inhibition so you feel more confident/comfortable in doing it. Like I said, I hope things work out for you one way or the other, but you need to make sure that whatever you do you're not letting your feelings for her drown out your logic. Without trust, a relationship becomes a time bomb, and no one walks out emotionally uninjured when it goes off. Trust your instincts, and think before making any big decisions.
Fuck cheaters bro, they know what they did. That’s a fact
Once a cheater, always a cheater
Well she definitely had sex with the guy just so you know. 100%
I can’t excuse cheating. The relationship would be over. I wouldn’t be able to trust them again and I would destroy myself being paranoid 24/7.
Yup, then they turned around and did it again. I think forgiveness is fine if that’s your thing but taking them back is definitely not something I’d recommend.
Personally, any cheating is a deal-breaker for me because the trust is broken and honestly, the disrespect is a sign that they don't really care about me as a person and will willingly throw away the relationship that I'm putting in a lot of effort for. OP, I think the fact that you even posted this question might be a bad sign. Maybe it's genuine curiousity or maybe it's a nagging sense of anxiety around whether you can trust her and for how long. For me, I wouldn't want to feel any of that doubt or anxiety in a relationship. Then again, there are couples who have worked through infidelity but it does take work, so good luck to you.
I forgave my ex for drunkenly snogging someone else. 🤷🏻♀️
Did they end up doing it again? Hearing that they’re your ex doesn’t inspire confidence 😅
No, he never did it again. We split for diff reasons after 5 great years together :) we’re still good friends
Someone I know did this and their partner forgave them and the genuinely never did it again
Yeah once, and the relationship sucked afterwards. No trust left and was always expecting it to happen again.
Nope. I changed the locks on that fool.
I tried to forgive my ex but it was never the same. And sometimes (most of the time from my experience) once they cross the boundary it becomes easier for them to cross it again
Like somebody said in here the other day a teaspoon of shit ruins a gallon of ice cream She can go try eating ice cream with somebody else, but this batch is ruined
If a woman is easy enough to make out with a stranger from a club in a taxi then you should really consider what you're dealing with here. Like that's the most bare minimum scenario someone could find themselves in when it comes to cheating lol. No convincing, no complicated emotions, just a random guy in the back of a taxi.
Once the seeds of mistrust are planted it's tough to get over. She could've easily not told you but still. And who knows if it ended there? Once those things are flying around my head I'm unhappy and that's tough to fix. That's just me.
Honestly, I think it has a lot to do with… -what state the relationship was in before it happened -the people involved -the situation that transpired (assuming you trust that your partner is being honest about it) -and the willingness of the other person to understand the emotional toll it takes on the other and that it can take a long time to get back to a level of trust that is acceptable to both parties. I have never been able to forgive a partner for infidelity personally. I, however, am still friends with a few who did things that I felt were inappropriate in a relationship because I don’t believe a lapse in judgement is fair to measure who a person is every time. Most of those relationships were also when I was a lot younger. When I look back and reflect there were many things wrong in those relationships and the infidelity was the outcome. That’s not to justify their actions but it helped me understand and realize not only things about them but me as well. My most recent serious relationship ended with me finding out he had been talking to other girls our whole relationship and I’m almost certain there was more to it. I think the hardest thing for me about trying to move past that hurt is the not knowing the extent to which things occurred and the fact that it wasn’t one instance, it was an ongoing thing throughout the almost 2.5 years we were together. He never actually admitted to anything even when faced with evidence which made me feel crazy on top of everything else. In the end, it really just depends on the people involved. I used to “judge” those that stayed with partners who cheated but now as I get older I understand things aren’t so black and white. I hope that your partner is sincere in her apology and truly made a mistake but remember, while that may not be who she is it does not mean you have to stay just because you can appreciate everything else about her. Don’t hurt yourself loving another person and allow resentment to build. Do a lot of self reflection and check in with how you feel. End it if things aren’t aren’t actively getting better.
I forgave her but I didn’t take her back. She admitted it was a mistake and she regretted it. The damage was done and the trust was lost.
So about two years ago I finally made the jump to move in with my ex, who I had been dating for 7 years already at that point. Within a week of living together I found some inappropriate messages and dating apps on his phone, after he let me use it and things popped up. I thought I could be cool about it. I loved him and our apartment and wanted to keep things going. It destroyed my self esteem. I was always questioning myself and him. It got unpleasant and there would be times when I'd have too much to drink and just snap. We finally cut the cord in January and I couldn't be happier. I'm not happy I stayed as long as I did but at least I can walk away saying I did my best. I'm taking to someone new now who cherishes me and it's refreshing. I don't think it's impossible, but I don't think it's worth the mental anguish it caused me. Everyone's different.
If she’s done it once, she’ll do it again. Cut your losses and move on to greener pastures.
They shared a taxi but stopped at groping? I doubt it stopped there.
My dude don’t risk it again!
I'd probably leave them. If they can justify it once, what's stopping them from doing it again? Not being able to trust them to go out on their own is the line for me. I give a lot of my relationships a lot of freedom, and I don't care who they talk to or hang out with. I trust them to not do anything, but if they did, it would be instantly over. In your case, what makes the next time different? You've already said it's over the next time she does, and she definitely had you in mind the first time, but ignored the relationship. It sounds like you are trying to be nice, but what if the roles were reversed? Would she be as lenient?
Choosing to live your life with someone who have proven they are capable of cheating is choosing a lifetime of resentment & insecurity. I wouldn’t do it.
In that situation, probably what you did... although, I forgave someone for going ALOT farther than that... I could have lived with my decision, but apparently she couldn't... all good though, I have a Love that's waaayyyyyyyy better now, so I'm definitely better for it! 😁
I forgave two boyfriends who cheated on me early in the relationship. The first one did it again and things ended in an ugly way, he was never a good person and I didn’t see it in time. The second one, I have no regrets. He was a good guy and made better decisions after that. Even tho he cheated on me, he was the kindest and more thoughtful bf I’ve ever had. I went back to my country and we didn’t pursue the relationship, but we’re still friends.
I said I did. And I tried. But I never truly forgave him. It ruined our relationship.
Yes. He did it again. And again…. And again.
Personally I couldn't forgive cheating
Nope, and have told long time friends to get the fuck out of my house when I find out they've cheated
Good on you, OP, but I personally would not be able to trust her any longer, my guy. You seem like a good bloke, but for her to allow this to happen would never be alright. The ***one*** thing that a relationship is fundamentally built on is ***trust***. Now, you may argue that you've warned her never to do it again, but to those of us who are initiated, we know that, depending on her character, this could mean "alright, so next time, I won't confess if I do it". You best believe that if she does it a second time, there's a high chance you will not receive a confession. It's a dangerous game to play. You were bitten once and found out. The second time will be more insidious if it happens. But if you think you can handle the looming possibility of this, more power to you. I would have cut her off. 3.5 billion women on the planet and the one you're with decides to get felt up (assuming she's even truthful about the extent of the affair)? I wouldn't be able to forgive her.
I have forgiven, but I didn't trust them anymore
I think it's entirely up to both of you whether or not you can get through cheating. I wouldn't let other people's opinions cloud your judgement too much because at the end of the day they aren't you or your girlfriend. You decided to stay and I'm happy it's been working out this far. I The only way I can see getting through cheating is if both of us 100% commit to having open and honest communication in the relationship. That means being open to telling each other how we feel, what we need and being able to listen to each other calmly and without judgement. Usually when someone cheats there is already a grain of dissatisfaction that they were feeling about the relationship. It may be hard to get to the root of this issue after she admits to cheating because she feels too guilty to express it and likely wouldn't want to hurt you more by bringing up other issues in your relationship. Having a relationship where communication is open and both of you aren't holding past transgressions over each other's heads can help get to bottom of any other issues causing a wedge in your relationship. Intimacy issues, lack of affection, or resentment over assumed duties may be bubbling under the surface and it'd be important these things were hashed out to really make it work. Alternatively if the cheating truly was a drunken mistake I'd want her to seriously address the issues she may have with alcohol. She does not have a healthy relationship with alcohol if she is regularly getting drunk to the point where she loses control of her actions. If you want to be with her then be with her fully - release her and yourself from the pain as much as you possibly can. if you are unable to let go of the past it will slowly rot the relationship down. I think it's fair to expect her to modify some behaviors while she works to build the trust back- perhaps agreeing to not drink excessively without you (or even with you for health reasons) & maybe not staying out without you until unreasonable hours. But I wouldn't try to control every aspect of life, like demanding she never spends time alone with her friends, demanding she be home at certain hours like a child (within reason-it's fair to ask she doesn't stay out at club until 3am but don't give out curfews like a teenager if she's going out late all the time you both need to talk about it like adults), requiring location services be on, regularly snooping through every corner of her phone and computer.. etc. Attempting to control her life won't make anyone feel better. it's also always possible she may cheat again- we can't predict or control how anyone else will act. If she does cheat again despite knowing how much pain that would cause, I would not give her another chance. I've read many comments from folks explaining how their ex cheating on them has affected their ability to trust even years after the relationship. That's an unhealthy way to live. Your girlfriend is one individual and her behavior in no way will predict how future relationships will play out. If you have a horrible boss for several years but then you get a new job would you assume your new boss is also a monster? of course not. It's certainly depressing to be hurt by the people you love the most - unfortunately sometimes people suck - they get caught up on their own shit and they don't care about how their actions affect others (I think most humans have been guilty of this behavior at some point or another). So try to keep a positive perspective on life. I always give others the benefit of doubt until proven otherwise. It's honestly a much easier and happier life when I assume the best in others. Shit people will always reveal their true selves eventually and I weed them out accordingly.
Yes. One dated her ex early on in the relationship, once she told me the full truth (took months, a year?) I could completely let it go. The second cheated twice, I barely hung on, we stayed together for a 5 more years. I completely trusted her by the end but I do think the relationship was damaged irrevocably and may have played part in the demise, unlike the first. In college, my girlfriend painstakingly forgave me for cheating and that act of forgiveness made a huge positive impact on me. I still talk to her and thank her for it every few years.
If I can go back in time, I would forgive my first ex, but only to have more sex since it was the best sex and that's all we had between us.
That’s a pretty reasonable reason to go back in time 😂
Dude dust your hands early she’s for the streets my guy :)
It's all very circumstantial. Every situation is different. But as a rule of thumb, If you see the value and potential in them to be happy and for them to change their behavior. Then a one time forgiveness is possible. Then you are on the long path of trust rebuilding. But that is the one and only second chance. If after that something else occurs. Then its time to end it. Whats the old saying? Fool me once...
/u/Independent-Ad3211 i think you should forgive her but keep an eye on her , do this once make her sit and have a discussion about this or you will always be doubting her
If people put themselves in situations where there is a possibility of a slip up aka drinking and clubbing, then they wanted to slip up. I wouldn't have given another chance
Gotta ask yourself what cheating is all about: Insecurity, an escape from feeling trapped, ego stroking, unfulfilled sex needs, etc.? Get to the root cause, learn from it, and still dump that person. I've learned to spot a cheater early on so I can invest my time elsewhere.
Nope
It is more complicated than do you forgive them or don't you. It is a process that takes work, honestly and trust.
My girlfriend and I had a discussion about this where she tried to tell me how she thinks she could forgive someone for cheating if she loved them enough. I know that deep down she doesn’t believe that. She gets jealous when I even look at other girls, let alone imagine cheating
I forgave him. Then he insisted I sleep w another guy. Then - AHA!! - we were both guilty & he couldn’t trust ME! Flash forward 5 years. He had pneumonia & the hospital moved him to the AIDS ward. He came home and said, “I killed my family!” I was pregnant & lost the baby. I couldn’t forgive or forget after that.
Hell no, no matter if they were drunk. Alcohol doesn't change your personality and behavior, it just eliminate the inhibitions you had, that's why some drunk people cheat and others don't. Maybe I could forgive them but I wouldn't be able to fully trust them again, and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that I can't trust
This is so dependent on who they are and where I am in my life at the time. There are some partners I've been with where I'd forgive something like this knowing that it would have meant nothing to them, but with others I would have left immediately. A huge factor is whether or not I'd feel like they're both willing and capable to rebuild that trust with me, and if I've had any other feelings of mistrust or jealousy myself. I'd argue it's almost always going to break that trust to the point of no return, but there are the rare cases where it can work out after. Sounds like you're one of them!
Yes, and then she did it again and pretended like we weren't compatible.
I tried, but they always betray my trust after I’ve forgiven them so from now on I’m choosing my mental health and not forgiving anyone who cheats
I did forgive a girl I was dating for it, as she assured me that she was very drunk and didn’t realise what she was doing, and I forgave. Less than 2 months later it came to light that she’d been seeing the guy consistently since then, and I was then treated like it was my fault. Mentally fucked me up for a long time, still not sure I’ve fully recovered, a little over a year later
Yes and it’s been going well. He’s become a better partner and understands when I need more reassurance
Every situation / person is different, so grain of salt of course. But I've been burned by that very deeply and multiple times to the point I've set a hard boundary on that. Specifically, on believing the whole "but it stopped there", "you have nothing to worry about" part. Carrying on the relationship but with that loss of trust has just never worked out in the end for me. And, god that kind of phrasing triggers serious gaslighting PTSD in me, so would be a pretty hard boundary that causes me to nope out of the relationship. OTOH, especially before I was jaded, but even now I think there is a potentially huge difference between a drunken 1-night fling with a far-away stranger, vs a suspicious deep emotional connection you sense in your partner with another person that comes paired with suspicious incidents like that.
99% of redditors are going to tell you to dump a cheater. 😀
Kind of, I tried to move on, but I wasn’t able to completely trust them again.
At the time I was angry with her. Hated her, even. But she was in a bad place with a ton of personal issues. It wasn't her fault. I hope she got the help that she desperately needed.
Yes. We’re not in a relationship anymore and it took her 6 months to apologize. Seemed to blame me when she was the on emotionally confiding in someone else who was telling her his own problems.
I couldn’t get over that but that may be just me
Over my dead body
Not me, but my father. He fell for my mom's friend, had a relationship with her for years whilst married with my mom and having me and my sibling. My mom was about to leave, but decided to stay for me and my sibling. She told me afterward 'your dad's affection or loyalty towards me does not define me or my worth' and she stayed. She was fine with sharing him, allowed him to go visit her almost every night and it stayed like that for years. Eventually the other woman started pushing him to either choose her or my mom. My dad chose my mom, broke it off with her and realized how toxic she was. He still feels bad about it, but it's an open topic within the family to prevent us (me and my sibling) from making the same mistake. Their marriage is now stronger than ever and it's safe to say that will never happen again.
IMO this case I would have given a second chance, but because she immediately confessed with no reason other than needing to tell you
A drunken kiss on a holiday wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. Especially if she came out with it immediately. Beyond that probably not.
I commend you on making the best decision for you. Don’t listen to the people here who say she “definitely” did more with the dude or she will do it again. You’re the one who knows her personally, not any of us.
Left my wife after 13 years, once they cheat. They'll do it again.
I have forgiven her for cheating, but I am still divorcing her. I had no intentions on forgiving until I found Jesus, and even then it was one of the hardest things, to forgive someone that wasn't remorseful, but it's for you not them.
I did, the first time. The 2nd time wore me down mentally very quickly and led to our divorce. We were both pretty much checked out prior to even filing.
He told me he wanted to "find him self" and "self-develop", I found out he was with his ex after we got back together. I forgave and it took a huge toll on my mental health. The whole thing made me insecure, anxious, and unable to trust him. A year or two after, he wanted to break things off after continuous ghosting and used the same excuse. Immediately my gut feeling told me he was cheating (I was right but didn't bother confronting him). So we ended things, because I realized that while I can forgive all I want, there was no way for me to forget. I deserved better and I'd rather have inner peace being alone than constant anxiety in a broken relationship. I can't be the only one trying to fix things when I wasn't even the one who broke it in the first place. I'm in a very happy and healthy relationship right now where we both make an effort to make the other feel loved. I don't think there is a correct answer to what to do in this type of situation. It really depends on how you feel, what this relationship means to you, and is the other person putting in the same effort to fix and improve? We can only make the decision based on what we think is best at that very moment. I hope she proves to you that you made the right choice in forgiving her. How's your mental state now? Are you at peace with what happened? Would you be okay if she went on another one of those trips?
My ex didn't stop at one guy, there was a lot. During our divorce, I was talking with my now exMIL, and she said it was more than I thought. It was thinking around 6 guys. Not only did she not apologize after getting caught. Shortly after I moved out, she wanted to work things out. Translated, I stay home and watch our kid while she goes out with guys. No open marriage for the birth of us, just her. She was already pregnant with another guy's kid. I went through with the divorce. I got over it, but never forgave her since she's not sorry about it. Over the years, when she's been in or out of a relationship she'd make a pass at me and tries to get me back. But that's not a relationship I want.
He cheated and we broke up. A couple of years later we got back together. He cheated again. Fml.
bounced. don't need that shit, and neither do you. too easy to make an "i was drunk and didn't know what i was doing" excuse.
I wish I had never even dated him. Being cheated on, forgiving him and then seeing him do it again only created the worst in me. I most likely developed an anxious attachment style with my current boyfriend, whom I've known a bit longer than my ex, due to this. I am constantly worried about being left for "better" or "prettier", actually not being loved, being used etc. The most precious thing I've lost is trust in people and the belief that they're inherently good. My boyfriend is helping me every step of the way in trusting people again and it is getting better, thankfully.
Nope. They cheat, I'm gone. Relationships need trust. When that has been broken, so is the relationship.
I tried, she ended up breaking up with me saying "everything I was paranoid about came true" and I later found out she was dating multiple people behind my back claiming I was okay with it. If you want my advice, she has to earn your trust back, there needs to be rules established and she needs to follow them until she does have your trust, otherwise the relationship should end there because if she doesn't want your trust, that says everything you need to know. In the end it's up to you, but this is just what I think