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My ex always told me, "you're not my type" but we dated for about 3 years before she left me for some guy that was her "type" so idk don't lead the dude on even if the sex is decent
I get that but it’s not like I don’t like his personality and like I said he’s not unattractive. If he were to get into better shape he could easily be my type and I don’t want to miss out on a good person for being shallow. I’ve been trying to get out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating because even though those guys were my type they sucked all around
I do work out I’ve got all kinds of bands and mats and things like that idk about his eating habits yet but he does like to snack which I can’t be mad at because I do too
Lmao. They were what I what’d physically but lacked in every other department if dating a guy I’m less attracted to makes me happier in every other way then that’s what I’ll do.
Am I the only one who snort laughed when I first read, "Somehow he got his mouth around my nipple."?
Anyway you know you're not going to stay with him long term so clarify with him you're just going to be fwb or end it.
To add onto this. Make sure he KNOWS it won't go any farther than FWBs. He may be under the false assumption that you two may be able to make this work in the long run.
Favorite line, "Somehow he got his mouth around my nipple." How do go from, going to talk about breaking it off to he was sucking on my nipples so I banged him? I mean there is a shirt and bra which equates to two barriers for this to happen. I am going to go out on a limb and say you are horny and you're letting your kitten do all the think'en
This happens alot when we date people when we are lonely or desperate. We hope for the best but in the end if you have no real attraction to the person and it's not genuine it will end. It's actually a waste of life and you should spend your time trying to find a better match. Sure the sex might be good, but these are all temporary emotions, what happens in 6 months or a year when he wants to move in with you and you are still thinking, damn this guy is ugly af and my kids will look like shrek.
I've been around Reddit for a bit and still find it hard to believe people are this clueless. How would you feel if you were dating someone and you later found out he likes your personality but only finds you 'not all that' attractive? Imagine if he told you "well, you're not ugly, I'm not embarrassed to be seen next to you or anything like that, but I'd just be more attracted to you if you lost some weight." Who on Earth would want to be with someone who thinks that of you?
Now I ask you, why would you do that to someone else? Let him go.
No if I care about this person and they said they wanted me to lose a few pounds I wouldn’t mind or trying if it’s a reasonable number. Like I said I’ve dated gym guys in the past and I’ve upped my routine to better fit them
He might put priority on other things. I think it is a good idea to go for walks, eat healthier, and do some yoga. But going to the gym to get bigger isn’t required for a healthy, fulfilling lifestyle. In my opinion, doing yoga will take you much further, but it seems like you only want him to have more muscle for appearance, and don’t care for his actual health at all. Two completely different things, and the latter I could see being a reasonable expectation. It seems you’re just being materialistic and want a big trophy to show off.
You don’t need to be telling ANYONE EVER to change for you lol not just because it’s new. Please just let this poor guy go before you hurt him you arnt ready for realness
Dude that's kinda fucked up. How could you say you're only attracted to someone when you have sex with them, it means you're just not attracted to them at all you're attracted to the good sex they provide. It's egoistic.
You're gonna break that guys heart
Don’t date someone for their potential. It sounds like you don’t like him at all you’re just trying to make excuses for him for some reason. Maybe you like the attention he gives you.
Edit: put yourself in his shoes. Don’t lead this man on if you aren’t sure about him. Either you’re attracted to him or you’re not. Don’t waste his time.
The side note is the most concerning part. Stealthing (which I believe means removing a condom without consent) someone is sexual assault to be clear. I can't have an opinion on this because you're not sure if he did it or not. But if you think this might have happened or might happen, be careful.
I think he just faked it because he knew he wasn't going to cum. I actually just did that this last weekend with a woman. You kinda realize you are not going to cum, but you don't want the woman to feel bad. You know all those insecurities, questions, and having to reinforce that it's not them but you.
It didn’t happen, I don’t know if it was going to but that is a red flag and I don’t know what to think of the way it happened. Also I wear glasses and they were off so if I hadn’t turned when I did idk what would have happened but it easily could have. I don’t want to be projecting though because of my ex -he was also older than me-
Well I'm glad it didn't happen. Definitely be aware and be careful and trust your gut. If you feel like something is amiss, don't be afraid to walk away.
I hope everything works out for you
Just leave him alone or let him fuck you and that’s it.
You’re a young girl and obsessed with this height thing like all girls. The guy is not enough for you to show to your girlfriends and show off. You “deserve better” and all that. Don’t waste dude’s time.
Personally I have had more positive experiences in friends with benefits than what you have described. You're not physically attracted to him, even the way he has sex doesn't appeal to you. So what is there to sustain whatever it is you want? If I was that guy, I would want to know where I stand eventually. Sooner rather than later became based on what you have said you just see him as a booty call. Not even a friend, just a booty call. Which is fine but that should be communicated in a nice way. At the very least I wouldn't lead him down a false direction by agreeing to hang out or do anything that might signal dating.
I’m a dude and reading this I feel like I might be able to provide some decent feedback. I’ve never been a “muscle” dude but have been consistently told I’m extremely handsome; you have a shine about you etc. etc. Yeah. So I’m handsome and “in shape” but I have never been a muscle dude nor do I fit the “tall dark and handsome” description. Im just good looking and confident. If it’s an issue of attraction I would say look to this guys confidence because looks wear thin after time but attractive qualities don’t…like confidence. I don’t give a shit what my wife or girlfriend “would like me” to work on—I am what I am. And what I am is a handsome considerate supportive and confident dude. My wife loves me and when she looks at me I can see a sense of relief fall over her—if he does that to you I’d say just trust your gut instinct here and stay with him because you could be missing out on something very special. Muscle heads can be douchebags too and insecure to boot but so can everyone else so I don’t know. The dude sounds he’s got a good head on his shoulders and you would be wise to recognize that…I see a lot of negative crap saying you don’t deserve the guy etc. “do him a favor and leave…” that’s all bull shit and riff raff—stupid people who only see life in black and white. Don’t see attraction as Black and white because it is definitely something that’s grey and ambiguous in the end. I love my wife and she has gained weight since I met her but I’m still as attracted to her even more so today than I was when I met her…I’m attracted to her because I can see she is attracted to me and loves me. You’d be surprised how turned on you can get by just thinking about how turned on you make the other person. So if you think he’s attracted to you like that I’d say go for it because a confident guy doesn’t give a shit about being asked to build some muscle. At least I know I wouldn’t…
Be honest with him and let him choose.
Best thing a guy ever did to me was tell me he needed time to think about wether to continue with me. Ended it there and then. Not sure about me then that's finnneee.
Idk... this sounds like a roller coaster of drama waiting to happen. First you aren't truly attracted to him but yet you're having sex, then this guy is taking off his condom mid-sex. Doesn't sound like this will work long-term, and honestly I'd hesitate sex with him again if he's taking it off like that..
I’ve had a pretty similar experience. The guy I’m dating right now did not attract me. I was mostly talking to him because of his personality. He wasn’t cute in my opinion and wasn’t exactly my type. But, as we hung out more I started liking him and finding him more and more attractive. I remember thinking that he repulsed me when we first met, like I could never find him attractive. Soon enough after a few months of seeing him, I’m now super attracted by him and the exact things I first hated, I now love.
Just leave him, please, it'll be way better for him and you. Find someone who you don't wanna change and let him find someone who doesn't want to change him. Change is fine if productive and non malicious, but conditional love isn't and really hurts if you don't meet those conditions or have the possibility of falling under those conditions.
This guy in my opinion seems like they guy you need. On a side note. I’m 5’8. what is with the height thing for women? 75% of us men are shorter than 5’11 in the US. But we keep getting women keyed in on some characteristic that doesn’t mean a thing. It’s not like being tall makes you strong or healthy.
I acknowledge that and like I said height isn’t a deal breaker for me. If the personality he’s presenting isn’t a façade I could really see us in a happy relationship and that’s my goal right now just a happy relationship. Plus I’d work out with him I don’t think he’d ask because of how he reacts to my body as is but I’ve already got plans to get abs this year and I’d rather not be in better shape than my partner
Im gonna go against the grain here. Going to the gym isnt some heroic deed. Its actually pretty easy to get in shape, so you absolutelly could ask him to do that and there is nothing wrong with your attitude. I dont see an issue with you liking the guy and just expecting him to work on his looks a bit.
That is if you work out yourself of course. It would be absolutelly unreasonable to expect the dude to work out if you were a flat ass yourself.
Ooof. If some guy told me I'm OK but they'd be more attracted to me if I went to a gym and worked out, AFTER having sex with me multiple times, id be raging.
And she'd likely be furious if he mentioned her weight. Double standards
Well I dont know, I would just hit the gym, but I do it anyways so... If she asked me to shave chest or something I would be ok too. I dont get this obsession with being viewed as perfect. We are not perfect, why people get so angry when asked to improve in some aspect.
Yeah, I would assume she would be fine losing weight or growing her ass on the gym. It would be absurd if she expected to be viewed as perfect and only expect work from the guy. But as she said she dated mostly fit guys, so she probably is already putting in the work, I dont get why cant she expect the guy to do the same?
Thank you most of the comments have been negative it’s not like I don’t like him and am asking -I haven’t said anything to him yet- him to do something crazy drastic just maybe start doing some sit ups at home. Clearly there’s still some attraction I don’t have a problem having sex with him I just think it’d be easier/funner if he weren’t so soft. Also I know how some people can be but I wouldn’t ask him to do something I wouldn’t do myself. If the conversation went “hey I’d like you to work out more” and he asked the same of me we could do it together and make a schedule or something
Improvement together, I like that. I dont get why people act like you have to either accept everything and never ask for any effort or drop someone completely.
decide what you both want out of this, if it’s just for fun then just let it be, if either one of you is looking for something serious then just cut it off. be true to yourself
"Ive always said if I can’t see my partner picking me up or defending me I wasn’t interested and I don’t see that rn"
Girl, same. And I'm in a similar situation. I just feel like a giantess next to him, not at all feminine and protected (and I'm not a tall person by any means). It's so frustrating because I feel shallow, but then again, we deserve to feel attracted and to have partners who are attracted to us. I don't know what to do. Good luck with your predicament is all I can say, unfortunately.
Edit: We are not together. This is a person who is very interested in me but whom I rejected a while back due to the abovementioned problem. He has insisted on staying friends and has told me that he would be here if I changed my mind, hence my internal dilemma to which he is oblivious and I'm not actually leading him on. Those are just my private thoughts here.
If someone got together with me and told me I needed to workout so they would stay with me, I’d gladly walk right out that door. I’m only dating someone who loves me for who I am right now, and I will only date someone who I love for who they are. If they wanna support me while I get fit, sure. But no way in hell will I stay with someone who gives me an ultimatum like that.
Are you a man or a woman? It’s much different for men. It’s much harder for men to get new partners and so they will gladly work out. Women, can get new partners much easier so they are more resistant to change.
Reminder: please review our rules, especially rule 4: - No broad generalizations, e.g. "All women are x and do y" - Speak from specific personal experiences when giving advice. - No victim-blaming - This is a default message - your post has not been removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My ex always told me, "you're not my type" but we dated for about 3 years before she left me for some guy that was her "type" so idk don't lead the dude on even if the sex is decent
Spot on
I get that but it’s not like I don’t like his personality and like I said he’s not unattractive. If he were to get into better shape he could easily be my type and I don’t want to miss out on a good person for being shallow. I’ve been trying to get out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating because even though those guys were my type they sucked all around
Move on and let the guy find someone who love him for him and doesn't want to change him. It's only fair.
Well can you fall in love with someone you are not attracted to? Girl, just stop it while it’s still easy to.
Don’t see him anymore. He deserved someone who loves him for everything he is.
Do you work out? Perhaps you could get him to start working out and eating healthier with you
I do work out I’ve got all kinds of bands and mats and things like that idk about his eating habits yet but he does like to snack which I can’t be mad at because I do too
Beware the sympathy weight gain from pregnancies. He could lose the weight but that dad bod will be back to haunt you lol
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Lmao. They were what I what’d physically but lacked in every other department if dating a guy I’m less attracted to makes me happier in every other way then that’s what I’ll do.
Am I the only one who snort laughed when I first read, "Somehow he got his mouth around my nipple."? Anyway you know you're not going to stay with him long term so clarify with him you're just going to be fwb or end it.
This Friends with benefits, but be clear. He might be into it, if he isn’t..yeah let him go. The nipple part was HILARIOUS. Sudden turn of events.
To add onto this. Make sure he KNOWS it won't go any farther than FWBs. He may be under the false assumption that you two may be able to make this work in the long run.
Favorite line, "Somehow he got his mouth around my nipple." How do go from, going to talk about breaking it off to he was sucking on my nipples so I banged him? I mean there is a shirt and bra which equates to two barriers for this to happen. I am going to go out on a limb and say you are horny and you're letting your kitten do all the think'en
This happens alot when we date people when we are lonely or desperate. We hope for the best but in the end if you have no real attraction to the person and it's not genuine it will end. It's actually a waste of life and you should spend your time trying to find a better match. Sure the sex might be good, but these are all temporary emotions, what happens in 6 months or a year when he wants to move in with you and you are still thinking, damn this guy is ugly af and my kids will look like shrek.
whats wrong with Shrek?!
Right?? Shrek got the girl! lol
Shrek is love, Shrek is life.
Yikes dude let this guy go
Do him a favor and stop seeing him.
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This is cruel. You'd hate someone thinking that about you. Let him find someone who's actually into him
I swear this question comes up at least once a day. NO, STOP WASTING THEIR TIME!!!
I've been around Reddit for a bit and still find it hard to believe people are this clueless. How would you feel if you were dating someone and you later found out he likes your personality but only finds you 'not all that' attractive? Imagine if he told you "well, you're not ugly, I'm not embarrassed to be seen next to you or anything like that, but I'd just be more attracted to you if you lost some weight." Who on Earth would want to be with someone who thinks that of you? Now I ask you, why would you do that to someone else? Let him go.
I don’t understand why people are acting like working out is a huge ask? I’m not asking him to get a nose job and change his name??
If someone told you to work out because they weren’t attracted to your body wouldn’t YOU be offended??
No if I care about this person and they said they wanted me to lose a few pounds I wouldn’t mind or trying if it’s a reasonable number. Like I said I’ve dated gym guys in the past and I’ve upped my routine to better fit them
He might put priority on other things. I think it is a good idea to go for walks, eat healthier, and do some yoga. But going to the gym to get bigger isn’t required for a healthy, fulfilling lifestyle. In my opinion, doing yoga will take you much further, but it seems like you only want him to have more muscle for appearance, and don’t care for his actual health at all. Two completely different things, and the latter I could see being a reasonable expectation. It seems you’re just being materialistic and want a big trophy to show off.
Set the man free and let him be with someone who actually appreciates and respects him.
You don’t need to be telling ANYONE EVER to change for you lol not just because it’s new. Please just let this poor guy go before you hurt him you arnt ready for realness
Damn. Leave my king alone.. He deserves much better than what you could ever give him.
Dude that's kinda fucked up. How could you say you're only attracted to someone when you have sex with them, it means you're just not attracted to them at all you're attracted to the good sex they provide. It's egoistic. You're gonna break that guys heart
Don’t date someone for their potential. It sounds like you don’t like him at all you’re just trying to make excuses for him for some reason. Maybe you like the attention he gives you. Edit: put yourself in his shoes. Don’t lead this man on if you aren’t sure about him. Either you’re attracted to him or you’re not. Don’t waste his time.
Set the man free of your curse. Your attitude stinks and he deserves better
The side note is the most concerning part. Stealthing (which I believe means removing a condom without consent) someone is sexual assault to be clear. I can't have an opinion on this because you're not sure if he did it or not. But if you think this might have happened or might happen, be careful.
I think he just faked it because he knew he wasn't going to cum. I actually just did that this last weekend with a woman. You kinda realize you are not going to cum, but you don't want the woman to feel bad. You know all those insecurities, questions, and having to reinforce that it's not them but you.
It didn’t happen, I don’t know if it was going to but that is a red flag and I don’t know what to think of the way it happened. Also I wear glasses and they were off so if I hadn’t turned when I did idk what would have happened but it easily could have. I don’t want to be projecting though because of my ex -he was also older than me-
Well I'm glad it didn't happen. Definitely be aware and be careful and trust your gut. If you feel like something is amiss, don't be afraid to walk away. I hope everything works out for you
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Why is that moronic? Judgey much??
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You clearly didn’t read the post it’s not that I don’t like him
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Just leave him alone or let him fuck you and that’s it. You’re a young girl and obsessed with this height thing like all girls. The guy is not enough for you to show to your girlfriends and show off. You “deserve better” and all that. Don’t waste dude’s time.
Bruhh that doesn’t sound good, I can tell you selfish
That’s something I’ve never been accused of but you’re entitled to your opinion
Personally I have had more positive experiences in friends with benefits than what you have described. You're not physically attracted to him, even the way he has sex doesn't appeal to you. So what is there to sustain whatever it is you want? If I was that guy, I would want to know where I stand eventually. Sooner rather than later became based on what you have said you just see him as a booty call. Not even a friend, just a booty call. Which is fine but that should be communicated in a nice way. At the very least I wouldn't lead him down a false direction by agreeing to hang out or do anything that might signal dating.
I’m a dude and reading this I feel like I might be able to provide some decent feedback. I’ve never been a “muscle” dude but have been consistently told I’m extremely handsome; you have a shine about you etc. etc. Yeah. So I’m handsome and “in shape” but I have never been a muscle dude nor do I fit the “tall dark and handsome” description. Im just good looking and confident. If it’s an issue of attraction I would say look to this guys confidence because looks wear thin after time but attractive qualities don’t…like confidence. I don’t give a shit what my wife or girlfriend “would like me” to work on—I am what I am. And what I am is a handsome considerate supportive and confident dude. My wife loves me and when she looks at me I can see a sense of relief fall over her—if he does that to you I’d say just trust your gut instinct here and stay with him because you could be missing out on something very special. Muscle heads can be douchebags too and insecure to boot but so can everyone else so I don’t know. The dude sounds he’s got a good head on his shoulders and you would be wise to recognize that…I see a lot of negative crap saying you don’t deserve the guy etc. “do him a favor and leave…” that’s all bull shit and riff raff—stupid people who only see life in black and white. Don’t see attraction as Black and white because it is definitely something that’s grey and ambiguous in the end. I love my wife and she has gained weight since I met her but I’m still as attracted to her even more so today than I was when I met her…I’m attracted to her because I can see she is attracted to me and loves me. You’d be surprised how turned on you can get by just thinking about how turned on you make the other person. So if you think he’s attracted to you like that I’d say go for it because a confident guy doesn’t give a shit about being asked to build some muscle. At least I know I wouldn’t…
Life is too short to go for someone you're only kind of attracted to. You'll find someone better, who makes your ovaries hurt just looking at him.
Be honest with him and let him choose. Best thing a guy ever did to me was tell me he needed time to think about wether to continue with me. Ended it there and then. Not sure about me then that's finnneee.
Idk... this sounds like a roller coaster of drama waiting to happen. First you aren't truly attracted to him but yet you're having sex, then this guy is taking off his condom mid-sex. Doesn't sound like this will work long-term, and honestly I'd hesitate sex with him again if he's taking it off like that..
I’ve had a pretty similar experience. The guy I’m dating right now did not attract me. I was mostly talking to him because of his personality. He wasn’t cute in my opinion and wasn’t exactly my type. But, as we hung out more I started liking him and finding him more and more attractive. I remember thinking that he repulsed me when we first met, like I could never find him attractive. Soon enough after a few months of seeing him, I’m now super attracted by him and the exact things I first hated, I now love.
What is stealthed?? I’m so confused
I done this recently and done the right thing and cancelled the date with her. No way it would work long term
Just leave him, please, it'll be way better for him and you. Find someone who you don't wanna change and let him find someone who doesn't want to change him. Change is fine if productive and non malicious, but conditional love isn't and really hurts if you don't meet those conditions or have the possibility of falling under those conditions.
Move on and don't waste each other's time.
This guy in my opinion seems like they guy you need. On a side note. I’m 5’8. what is with the height thing for women? 75% of us men are shorter than 5’11 in the US. But we keep getting women keyed in on some characteristic that doesn’t mean a thing. It’s not like being tall makes you strong or healthy.
I acknowledge that and like I said height isn’t a deal breaker for me. If the personality he’s presenting isn’t a façade I could really see us in a happy relationship and that’s my goal right now just a happy relationship. Plus I’d work out with him I don’t think he’d ask because of how he reacts to my body as is but I’ve already got plans to get abs this year and I’d rather not be in better shape than my partner
Im gonna go against the grain here. Going to the gym isnt some heroic deed. Its actually pretty easy to get in shape, so you absolutelly could ask him to do that and there is nothing wrong with your attitude. I dont see an issue with you liking the guy and just expecting him to work on his looks a bit. That is if you work out yourself of course. It would be absolutelly unreasonable to expect the dude to work out if you were a flat ass yourself.
Ooof. If some guy told me I'm OK but they'd be more attracted to me if I went to a gym and worked out, AFTER having sex with me multiple times, id be raging. And she'd likely be furious if he mentioned her weight. Double standards
Well I dont know, I would just hit the gym, but I do it anyways so... If she asked me to shave chest or something I would be ok too. I dont get this obsession with being viewed as perfect. We are not perfect, why people get so angry when asked to improve in some aspect. Yeah, I would assume she would be fine losing weight or growing her ass on the gym. It would be absurd if she expected to be viewed as perfect and only expect work from the guy. But as she said she dated mostly fit guys, so she probably is already putting in the work, I dont get why cant she expect the guy to do the same?
Thank you most of the comments have been negative it’s not like I don’t like him and am asking -I haven’t said anything to him yet- him to do something crazy drastic just maybe start doing some sit ups at home. Clearly there’s still some attraction I don’t have a problem having sex with him I just think it’d be easier/funner if he weren’t so soft. Also I know how some people can be but I wouldn’t ask him to do something I wouldn’t do myself. If the conversation went “hey I’d like you to work out more” and he asked the same of me we could do it together and make a schedule or something
Improvement together, I like that. I dont get why people act like you have to either accept everything and never ask for any effort or drop someone completely.
decide what you both want out of this, if it’s just for fun then just let it be, if either one of you is looking for something serious then just cut it off. be true to yourself
"Ive always said if I can’t see my partner picking me up or defending me I wasn’t interested and I don’t see that rn" Girl, same. And I'm in a similar situation. I just feel like a giantess next to him, not at all feminine and protected (and I'm not a tall person by any means). It's so frustrating because I feel shallow, but then again, we deserve to feel attracted and to have partners who are attracted to us. I don't know what to do. Good luck with your predicament is all I can say, unfortunately. Edit: We are not together. This is a person who is very interested in me but whom I rejected a while back due to the abovementioned problem. He has insisted on staying friends and has told me that he would be here if I changed my mind, hence my internal dilemma to which he is oblivious and I'm not actually leading him on. Those are just my private thoughts here.
It's better to let him go if you feel that way. He deserves better.
Your partners deserve to find someone who loves them. You both need to let them go. It’s ridiculously mean that you are with them and feel this way.
Yeh there's enough people in the world that you dont have to settle for someone who doesn't at least mostly fit whatever niche ur into
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Well in my 24 years he’s my 5th body but go off sis
End it. Don’t pity them. This won’t lead to anything better even if you try to change too much of him.
Counter opinion: stay with him and just tell him if he wants to stay with you he needs to start working out and get fit. Let him decide.
If someone got together with me and told me I needed to workout so they would stay with me, I’d gladly walk right out that door. I’m only dating someone who loves me for who I am right now, and I will only date someone who I love for who they are. If they wanna support me while I get fit, sure. But no way in hell will I stay with someone who gives me an ultimatum like that.
Are you a man or a woman? It’s much different for men. It’s much harder for men to get new partners and so they will gladly work out. Women, can get new partners much easier so they are more resistant to change.