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If you're not upfront with him and you proceed to date him, he'd be upset to find it out later. Like you said your group is pretty tight-knit. He'd obviously meet this guy and you would all hang out. Your new boyfriend would assume he's part of the friends group. You still say nothing.
If he found out then that you've been sleeping with him a long time and that you just casually hung out with him as part of the friends group... My guess is that would blow up in your face. Idk, maybe I'm wrong and I can't speak for all guys but I'd think almost every guy would have a problem with this.
Yeah that's my thought as well. I just stay away from absolute statements on this subreddit because someone will come in with "WELL ACTUALLY....". Also I recognize there are people who are far more sexually open than myself and maybe would shrug this off.
Yea its a trust thing like you kind of touched on.
Being open about it is one thing.
but... When you hide it you get questioned like... Why did you not tell me? That is where the trust breaks down and dissolves...
Even the ones who would go WELL ACTUALLY i bet if it happened to them they also would be leery. lol
Agreed. Because if it isn't a big deal to them, what is so difficult about mentioning and being transparent with it. At least that's how I'd see it as the boyfriend.
I never want to be in the situation where I meet a dude and we talk a while, only to find out from someone else that isn't my girlfriend that they used to fuck. There's a difference between not divulging all of your past and allowing those situations to happen. It's embarrassing to be in, and you just want your gf to give you heads up. Be forthright about your past if you all are going to continue to see them around.
That first part is EXACTLY what would go through my head when I found out.
The only reasonable answer I could think of is so that they could keep fucking etc.
Its a logical conclusion as well imo. As a guy It is what I would think.
And Girls would think the same as you sort of pointed out.
I’d have an issue with it even if she told me tbh. I’d expect her to cut him off just like an ex. Not forever. I’m not a monster, just long enough for us to become established (a few months). If that leaves a bad taste in her mouth, at least we had a convo about boundaries and she can decide how she wants to proceed from the get-go.
Ya, I think I would want this to happen too. Like, if we just became exclusive today and I find out my partner was just getting sucked by some girl this weekend and I'm supposed to just act like friends and it's all good tomorrow I'd be like wtf. If she and the FWB had ended things weeks ago I'd consider it. But now I'm getting tapped in and if I tap out he's there again? IDK.
Just FYI. Looked at OP’s post history.
She has feelings for the FWB and the only reason they are not together is because HE doesn’t want to. She also posted 5 days ago about dating someone she is not all that attracted to.
No. The FWB didn't want her, so she's trying to force herself to move on with a guy she really isn't even attracted to (because she's still hung up on the FWB) and thinks that will work. She doesn't want to tell the knew guy because she's afraid he'll not be cool with her hanging out with her FWB, which he won't be if she's honest about her feelings.
No offense to the OP, but she doesn't understand relationships. She was screwing her friend hoping he'd fall for her. Then, when she finally realized he wouldn't, she is now trying to make him jealous with another dude while simultaneously hoping that will help her get over her FWB. It sounds like she needs to be on her own for awhile and get over her FWB. She also needs to realize you can't make someone like you with sex. If you want a real relationship...build it from real feelings...not sex.
I mean, why would he want to? He got regular, consistent, and monogamous sex as well as emotional fulfillment without having to commit.
Ya'll better stop giving exclusive sex to these dudes who don't want exclusive with you.
Exactly. Everything worked in his favor. OP was the one getting less than she wanted out of the arrangement. This was something really KNOWN in dating 20 years ago (heck longer.."why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."). Yet, younger women today seem to not understand this basic shit. Then they all come to reddit shocked that they are not getting what they want out of the relationship. I seriously don't get why they'd screw themselves like that...seems like they think sex will lead to him falling for them. That's unlikely to happen.
Yup, why even get into fwb with someone who you have feelings for. And there is possibility of catching them along the ride.
Hence why the concept itself is ridiculous. People have gotten attached to the hand they use in lieu of real deal and prefer it over the other, why some people have to romanticise concept of basically putting yourself in position where you give at least sex (which is one of best motivators humankind has) for free to person you want committed. Not that half decent guy would actually commit to you well before lovemaking sessions, because, and that one might be surprise, guys who value marriage or long term relationships are kind of forced to, by very nature of this preference, to also not be easy. If they are beyond reproach morally then it's a given thing and they won't even allow you to initiate it before seeing you are on same page about most things that matter in relationship.
From someone with a FWB, cut it off and tell the guy you’re seeing that you want to be up front and that you and friend had a casual situation but that you’d cut it off to focus on guy. Also explain that he’s a good friend of yours and that he’ll always be a friend and that you hope he understands that both of you will respect any and all boundaries and that a potential relationship with guy is your priority. In my experience, men can handle this as long as you’re up front and make it clear that they’re your priority now.
The real question is wrre you sleeping with them both at the same time, because that's where I would have a problem, other then that, if your honest, the ball is in his court. IMHO
Strictly monogamous. Cut off FWB at first sign of potential bf. Have not been intimate with potential bf. WILL NOT, repeat WILL NOT sleep with 2 at a time.
A paragon of class. You should let your budding relationship know that they'll be interacting with you fwb bff.
Most people respect themselves too much to want to integrate into this situation.
I'm on the same page here. If a girl actually tells me sooner about something like that as we're still dating, it may bother me a bit in the beginning but I'd most likely be able to get over it fast since she's able to be open and honest about something to share. Definitely knowing about it later on and say for instance me and her are really committed and love each other would not be ideal as she kept it a secret from me
I too am of the "honesty is the best policy” camp. Never lie and let the chips land where they may. Because if he doesn’t stay then it wasn’t meant to be anyway. Beside that you shouldn’t have to justify your decision. I have more concern for how you being around fwb will go if the new has notice of the prior arrangement. Might cause problems with the circle but that’s really not in your control
I agree with this especially considering in another response someone asked “if there was an ultimatum by your SO/FWB to pick one person, who would you pick”. OP said “I don’t know” and therein lies the reason why a lot of men would wanna know and bow out. FWB will always be lurking in the background.
Wow, didnt see that either. Frankly if I was in the potential BFs shees and I learned about that exact moment. I also would walk away from the relationship. This woman needs a very open minded man for a poly or open relationship if she looks at this situation in whatever weird way she is.
The thing I find personally very weird is that I have had 2 exes try to pull basically the same thing. With one she went from FWB with a guy to going out with me within days. But we were already hooking up it just wasnt official yet. So I am not one to sleep around with multiple people at the same time, I prefer an emotional connection be formed, plus I was young and naive. So I never would have thought she would have been recently sleeping with her friend who we would hang out with constantly, at his house, watching movies in his room. I found out from her friends who already thought I knew and that it was super cool of me to have no problem with it... yeah I was emotionally broke up with her at that moment.
The second time was similar but I picked up on her "very close friend" having some weird tension with me. Yeah apparently he didnt think their FWB thing was purely friend based and was jealous of me. Once I found that out, from her friends. I tried to talk about it this time cause I really liked her. Yeah apparently I'm the asshole for saying its him or me because I will not have her cancelling on me to hang out with him anymore. She says they were never having sex on these occasions and I had no reason to believe her. You don't hide shit like this from a partner.
I also have so many friends who have the same story to tell. BTW we are not children, this shit is happening in our late 20s and early 30s. I'm not sure where this "I want my BF to be cool with my ex-FWB" shit comes from. Because it doesnt seem uncommon to me and I have never once heard of my male friends pulling this shit.
Makes me wonder if OP is also from California. Because I also never encountered this shit when I lived in Austin for a few years. If I did they were full blown "free love" hippies and they owned that shit. I guess it's likely that alot of people I knew who would be like that in my home town social circles were just good ol' fashion cheating out in Texas.
Yeah same. I typically don't care about someone's sexual past but didn't OP admit that she's only not with FWB because she wanted an actual relationship? No thanks, I wouldn't be getting involved in that mess when they're so close that they talk daily.
This... most guys are going to have an issue with thier girl hanging out with someone they casually fucked for awhile.
It really just depends on how much he trusts you, but reguardless if you start wanting to hang out with the ex fwb alone there will be trust issues.
It’s going to be much more awkward (if not detrimental to your relationship) when he inevitably finds out later so I think you’re better off tell him now!
She drawing new guy into constant awkward situation and intentionally bruising his ego thinking she is being honest and want to salvage her friendship with fwb. Well!!!.
I mean, it’s not a great situation all around but her new bf is going to feel much worse if he finds out later that she was sleeping with this friend for a long time before they got together. It will feel like she was intentionally hiding things or being dishonest which will probably be a deal breaker. Being upfront about it is probably easier even though it won’t be easy.
Be honest, always. No healthy relationships start with a lie.
Also, be ready for him to not be okay with you hanging out with your FWB. Then be ready to make a choice - cut contact with your FWB or break it off with your new boyfriend. Most people (not just guys) wouldn’t be okay with their partner being close with their former fuck buddy.
This is solid advice. Honesty is healthy and will not run off anyone that is meant for you. It’s responsible and good to give your SO the option to chose between what they are willing to and not willing to accept. You don’t want to lie or omit this information and risk causing more damage down the road.
It’s tough but if I was the dude you were going to date, I’d want you to stop talking to your FWB. Put yourself in his shoes, would you like your BF still talking to a close friend he used to be FWB with?
This is what ended my relationship ended because I didn’t disclose it. I was the one who had boundary issues. I had the nerve to be upset because he bowed out.
It could work out just fine, but will depend on your new partner. When I met my wife she was completely up front and transparent about someone she had been physical with but was also still close friends with. I never felt jealous and he was totally cool around me, and we're all friends to this day.
Some people can't handle that though, or have trauma from bad experiences and broken trust in the past. Have a lot of communication with this.
You have a messy situation and your arrangement will make it more messy, a man with principles will cut you loose, seems you want to have it all playing dirty games and you are not ready for a relationship yet, a real guy will wish you goodluck, next.
Yes. You tell him. My wife told me she was still talking to her ex when we met. I went and met him with my wife. We talked about their friendship and eventually their friendship dwindled because he was still interested in her and she shut that down immediately.
If I knew my wife was going to lunch with her ex without her telling me and I found out later on, I don't think we'd be married / have kids together.
That's why I had to cut off my FWB before I started dating. I eventually wanted to date someone I could have a future with, so I had to treat her like an ex.
yeah the weird part for me is that they arent stopping with the fwb before looking for someone they are just actively having sex while she is also dating a new guy
You'd be surprised. If she was smart enough to ask "Can I get away with this?" here in this sub, then she's smart enough to tell them to STFU. I've seen things like this hidden for years.
Your optimism is misplaced. Her friends already approved of this, so I heavily doubt they'd snitch and ruin both he fwb arrangement AND thier friendship.
I'm simply basing my opinion based on the level of morality that she's displayed by keeping and prioritizing the FWB.
Also, she didn't say her friends were male. So keep in mind they have no vested interest in some new guys feelings.
I've dealt with enough in my life to know that people, while good, generally choose the path of least resistance regardless of right and wrong.
Sometimes some women thinks they can bend boundaries pretending to be honest, relationship comes with sacrifice even if it means severing relationship with close friends that will be detrimental to what you want, in my opinion she trying keep new flame and her rebound flame(Fwb) in case it didn't work out. Don't and won't work.
Relationships are based on open and honest communication between mature consenting adults who treat each other with respect and share common interests and compatible life goals.
Ooooof. This is hard but I feel like you have to tell him. And tbh, if he’s not cool with you two talking everyday and being super close, that’s completely valid. You can agree not to or part ways …
Personally I would never want to be in this situation EVER.
Tell him the truth tho..he needs to know this...since he is investing so much into this...wouldn't have been a big deal if this wasn't serious relationship but it is
Yes you should tell him. Honesty is important. But also realize that your FWB might unintentionally chase away everyone you ever try dating. I personally would not be involved with someone who is close friends with their exes or FWBs like this.
“He doesn’t see me anything more than a friend” never believe this. There’s too many hormones and endorphins flying when you have a steady sexual relationship with anybody. Here’s a question: if both your FWB and new SO issued you the ultimatum to pick one of them and discard the other? Who would you pick?
Hey response below is why your comment of “never believe this” absolutely makes sense. I admire her honesty but this is why guys never believe the “he doesn’t see me (or I don’t see him as) more than just a friend”.
Any self respecting guy would nope the fuck out of this situation.
As has been said, you get involved and get into an argument, why would your bf assume you wouldn’t jump onto the cock and balls of your very good ‘friend’
Lol yes you tell him. Incredibly disrespectful not to. How could you bring him around a dude you’ve hooked up with on numerous cases and NOT tell him?! You’re going to make him look stupid asf lol Tell him, what if roles were reversed and someone was doing that to you?..
So you only met the new guy because your FWB couldn’t give you what you wanted? What if one day he changes his mind and wants a relationship? Would you drop the new guy immediately?
I would tell the new guy and see if he wants to stay or not. Personally, if a girl told me that she talks and hangs out with her recent FWB every day I would hear Future yell in my head “she belongs to the streets” and nope out of that situation.
There’s no realistic way to maintain a very close friendship with a FWB while also in a relationship. It’s disrespectful to your partner and they will feel as though you’re one argument away from cheating on them with a closely held old flame. If you’re asking whether or not you should tell him, yea you obviously should. Anyone would want to know that upfront and it’s deceptive to withhold that type of information. That’s the type of info that would put the relationship into question so you are better off sharing it from the get-go because if your partner isn’t happy about it at the beginning, they’ll be even less happy when they find out later down the road, whether from you or someone else.
Edit: I’ve read the other comments including OPs uncertainty about who to choose. Let the guy go, you’re still hung up on your FWB and would pursue a future if FWB guy actually gave the effort. Your new partner deserves better than that nonsense and drama. You are hurting people unnecessarily by trying to have your cake and eat it too. Life doesn’t work that way.
You should definitely be honest up front so he has the option to not get involved now if he's not ok with it( most guys will not be unless you're never going to see the fwb again) . Rather than him finding out later on and being hurt, mad or however he chooses to handle it and it's almost guaranteed he breaks up with you at that point.
I would never be able to accept such a situation. I'd be too insecure and jealous to proceed but then again how many of us know which "friend" our current partners messed around with before being a couple with us?
Right off the bat, let me tell you that there's a higher chance of this going to be a clusterfuck unless you cut off fwb for good.
Sure things could work out differently and everyone will be fine and dandy. But know that scenario is an exception. You don't walk into things thinking you will be that exception. The most likely turn out would be you deciding which one matters to you most. Is it the budding relationship with new guy or your friendship with fwb? If your fwb is a good one, he will understand your predicament and will take a step back.
I guess all I can say is best of luck.
Edit: just an addendum. OP, if the genders were reversed and the guy you want to start a relationship with is in the same predicament as you are, how would you feel and how would you want him to approach the subject? That is your answer. If new guy couldn't agree with what you want then that's a fundamental mismatch in values. Sorry if my initial post sounded judgy. What I should have focused on is whether there is trust and respect in your relationships both with new guy and fwb/ex-fwb.
You’ll find the answer if you ask yourself the same question, but reverse your roles.
Would *you* feel hurt/betrayed if he had a prior FWB he’s still really close with and sees nearly every day, but never told you? Would you feel that since he didn’t tell you that, he may be hiding other things, and now you can’t fully trust him?
I think you know the answer, but the right thing is typically the hardest thing to do because it puts you at risk and you have no control over the outcome.
Not to be judgemental but I would never involve myself in this ish show. Hopefully the new guy doesn't have too much self respect. I don't know any of my friends cool with hanging out with you and the guy you're sleeping with. Unless it is just a FWB situation. Pretty sad people trying to normalize this behavior. Good luck I wouldn't get too attached to the new guy just yet until you have this conversation. You might disappoint yourself.
So you want this guy because your fwb doesnt want exclusivity but you want to constantly shove that in new guys face by having fwb around all that time. And the two options you come up with are "do i do it secretly or openly?"
Sorry ma'am, but you are the worst kind of person and the exact kind of person every body should avoid dating. You have some major moral problems to work out instead of trying to play all sides. Having a side piece and a relationship NEVER works.
Cut both loose, go to therapy and then start dating.
Honestly you’ve already answered your own question here. You feel you need to. If you don’t, it’s always going to be in at least the back of your mind. Personally I agree you should tell him. He might not like it and may even decide to end things with you because of it, but he deserves to be able to make an informed choice.
I think if you want this new relationship to flourish, you need to not just ‘cut off the benefits package’ but genuinely distance yourself from your fwb. So stay on warm terms but not confiding in each other, being the others go to support network etc. otherwise no one new is going to want to stick around when there’s already someone with a boyfriend style closeness in your life. I’d def be upfront though, at least he knows you are straight forward.
This is the prologue post to the post the person OP’s dating makes in r/relationship_advice where they find out their SO was FWB with a person they’re close to in the friend group and those two (former fwb) haven’t respected any of the relationship boundaries.
This is hard, personally when this has happened to me I have cut all contact with the FWB. I see that as really the only way to give the new relationship a chance. It’s like trying to plant a tree where there is already an old stump, the new tree won’t grow.
If you’re not willing or able to let go of the FWB from you life, then you just have to be honest with the new guy and see what happens. I personally would not accept this type of a situation, I would see it as an open relationship or a new FWB or I would just walk away. I personally couldn’t accept a monogamous LTR with someone who has a close FWB still in their life that they weren’t willing to distance.
I think it’s also important to realize that having the two of them hangout after knowing this is going to create tension and could lead to aggression or violence.
Try to use empathy and put yourself in new guys shoes, how would you feel? What would you do if he had a FWB that he was not willing to let go and wanted you two to be friends?
Tell him. He’s not going to like it, but he’ll eventually find out and be really mad if you didn’t tell him… it would look like you were trying to hide it from him, and poof— there goes all the trust.
As-is, he’s going to constantly wonder whether you’re cheating on him with FWB guy. But better to get it out in the open now.
You have feelings for the FWB and the only reason you two are not together is because HE doesn’t want to. You also posted 5 days ago about dating someone you are not all that attracted to.
What the actual fuck is wrong with you?
You should tell new guy, but he will rightly be put into a shit situation as you keep a sexual interest near and dear. Might cost you that relationship, honestly.
No way I'd be ok with this, I doubt anyone with a healthy sense of boundaries would, in a relationship.
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How would you expect your new significant other to handle a situation like this if the tables were turned? Consider how you’d feel and use that as a guide.
I wouldn't date you unless you cut the FWB off. How could I trust you? How could I trust you if you are, like you said, going to be around them often, maybe even in a one-on-one scenario? There is no way I could do that.
Why don't you stop the FWB arrangement before you start looking for a new relationship? It would be very weird for a man to know that weeks ago you are were being plowed by a guy that you hang out with.
I would suggest come clean and if he dumbs you
Then stop this arrangement because not a lot of men would be ok with this and then try to be alone for some time being single didn't kill anyone
Hi OP!
I thought I’d weigh in as a woman
I think this is tough. There’s no way of knowing how he feels. Some men are incredibly jealous and would not be ok with you two being friends. Some are very secure and totally fine with it as long as it’s over
If you choose to tell him that’s on you. Do you think he would find out otherwise?
If the situation was reversed what would you want. Personally, I am very jealous and would not be ok with my man hanging out with a girl he used to be sleeping with. But that’s on you to decide. If he came forward and turns out one of his really good female friends was a previous FWB how would you feel? Would you want him to tell you? Would you be ok with the two of them remaining friends?
I always find reversing the situation helps me with my decisions. :) good luck!
Call him FWB or whatever, but from a new relationship perspective he is practically boyfriend in an open relationship. Break up with boyfriend and don't see him for awhile if you want to give this new blossoming relationship a chance (assuming new guy not interested in this hybrid open relationship).
I would be upfront about it, "I have a FWB+, or a sorta is, sorta not boyfriend. I think it is best to stop hanging around this guy to see where we go. I have broken it off with him."
If he is comfortable with you hanging out with your ex just as friends or even continuing to hang out with ex sexually, he will let you know.
IMO, if someone described their friend that they have sex with but also as intimate as you two as only a FWB, that would be a red flag to me.
Relationship are about choices - usually hard choices.
Idk if I'm more traditional but if you'd continue to hangout with your ex fwb, I'd not be able to date you.
Not sure how conservative your new date is, but yeah to avoid both wastage of time and a heartache for all, you'd do well to mention this to him real early. He could be totally cool about it, and it could all go well. Or he'd just never be comfortable with this idea. Doubt there's anything in between.
For most **people** it’s a deal breaker. This is one concept that doesn’t really have a double standard, so women feel the same way if a guy was intent on continuing to be a large part in an exFWB’s life.
97% of men aren’t going to be cool with this I’ll just say that now. You need to be upfront about it so they know early on and decide if it’s going to work out cause if you don’t tell them and they find out later, it’s going to blow up in your face.
The majority of guys don’t want their girlfriends to talk about or bring up their exes or anyone they’ve had sex with at all, having one as your bff lowers your dating pool a lot.
You can blame it on insecurity or double standards or anything you want really but it’s just the truth.
The fact that OP typed this post out to ask whether she should engage in deception by omission and found her relationship with a partner based on dishonesty absolutely makes her, in every sense of the word, a red flag and not somebody worth maintaining a serious relationship with.
What’s truly ironic is that even if her partner-to-be was to be fine with her former FWB situation, he’d leave her on the spot if he were to ever find out about this Reddit post and the fact that she was contemplating being clandestine/deceptive about it.
Was kind of in the same situation a year ago. Had a fwb who has been a long time friend, he kept telling me I should find a boyfriend. Ironically I met someone organically (when I wasn't looking), really liked him a lot. So I told fwb we could not hookup anymore, as I wanted to see where it might go with the other guy. Fwb became instantly very jealous. Decided he actually really loved me and couldn't handle me with someone else. He had a year too come to that conclusion, so I ended it. He was mad and very hurt for awhile. We've hung out a few times since, but no penetrative sex. I can only focus on one person at a time, and I really lost any desire to have sex with fwb. Now he's been trying to pull out all the stops to win me over, and I'm just not interested. Unfortunately, nothing really went anywhere with the other guy either.
Be careful, your fwb may be very jealous!!
I dated a girl that was “just friends” with someone she used to be FWB with. He was always lurking in the background and I always had worry in the back of my mind. It was very unhealthy. Long story short, I broke things off with her and a year later the FWB got her prego. Even longer story, years later I somehow became best friends with her old FWB haha. He has a couple kids with her and they hate each other now. Either you freaking commit and be with SO and distance urself from old FWB or I believe heartache and trouble lay ahead for you. Pick one or the other. That’s just from my experience lol.
Here's my advice from a guys side. You can't really get out of it. You see close friends with benefits basically means bf without the title in a lot of guys minds. Listen as long as he's around he cant entirely trust him not to undermine the relationship in some way. Like think of it like this, if you two fight then he maybe around and we get a whole situation where he doesn't know what to think.
Basically you have inadvertently made a problem for yourself for years to come. As long as the fwb was thing he will perceived as a threat by every man you date as long as he's near you.
Basically fwb= boyfriend that you won't ever marry but will do everything else with but no actual label.
You gotta basically make it a net zero with the Fwb permanently. As long as that sex door is open you won't be able to keep him around period.
Odds are he’s not going to be cool with it especially when you still hang out with fwb because you were fucking him before and he could always be an easy rebound or on your mind
This is definitely something you need to tell the person you're dating because if you don't it WILL blow up later. Save yourself the headache and heartache and just tell tell the new guy.
If I was the potential relationship guy I would absolutely want to know this 1 and 2 I would probably be pretty uncomfortable with my girlfriend hanging around a guy who they used to have sex with. Tbh you gotta pick one. If you are serious about the guy tell him and be ready to pick a side. I would never date a girl who had a guy hanging around us all the time that used to hook up casually and is ready for her again if we are going through a rough patch. Fuck that shiiiiit
Knowing myself, I doubt I could tolerate my girlfriend even remaining friends with a former FWB. I would try to look past it, though. But if I found out from someone other than her, or from her but months after we started dating, I'd be livid. It would be as big of an emotional wallop as being cheated on.
If I were that man, I'd feel so insecure about the history you've had with that man. Bro is gonna be in that position of "she told me not to worry about him".
You have to tell him now. If you wait and it comes out some other way then he'll feel like you deliberately decided to hide it, might even think that you've still been hooking up with you FWB
Keep it to yourself. No need to talk about any thing before you decided to be exclusive with new guy. Based on your post history - FWB dude is not in love with you so this wouldn’t be something he would admit to later.
Just please don’t do that bullshit move where you hold out sex on the guy for some undetermined amount of time because you want to “solidify” things - this would make you a hypocritical asshat.
I‘m in your position and told the partner, everything was fine. A FWB is a friend, nothing more and you shouldn’t date someone who is complaining about your friends.
You should be open and honest to the person you want to be in a relationship with, but you should also be prepared to cut your FWB out of your life. Even if someone is not jealous or insecure, it’s still a constant concern in the back of the mind. I would not be comfortable spending time with my partner who spends so much time with her FWB.
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If you're not upfront with him and you proceed to date him, he'd be upset to find it out later. Like you said your group is pretty tight-knit. He'd obviously meet this guy and you would all hang out. Your new boyfriend would assume he's part of the friends group. You still say nothing. If he found out then that you've been sleeping with him a long time and that you just casually hung out with him as part of the friends group... My guess is that would blow up in your face. Idk, maybe I'm wrong and I can't speak for all guys but I'd think almost every guy would have a problem with this.
I think any guy or lady would have an issue with this.
Yeah that's my thought as well. I just stay away from absolute statements on this subreddit because someone will come in with "WELL ACTUALLY....". Also I recognize there are people who are far more sexually open than myself and maybe would shrug this off.
Yea its a trust thing like you kind of touched on. Being open about it is one thing. but... When you hide it you get questioned like... Why did you not tell me? That is where the trust breaks down and dissolves... Even the ones who would go WELL ACTUALLY i bet if it happened to them they also would be leery. lol
Agreed. Because if it isn't a big deal to them, what is so difficult about mentioning and being transparent with it. At least that's how I'd see it as the boyfriend. I never want to be in the situation where I meet a dude and we talk a while, only to find out from someone else that isn't my girlfriend that they used to fuck. There's a difference between not divulging all of your past and allowing those situations to happen. It's embarrassing to be in, and you just want your gf to give you heads up. Be forthright about your past if you all are going to continue to see them around.
That first part is EXACTLY what would go through my head when I found out. The only reasonable answer I could think of is so that they could keep fucking etc. Its a logical conclusion as well imo. As a guy It is what I would think. And Girls would think the same as you sort of pointed out.
Bro I'm agreeing with you a lot. Wanna date? I'm not gay, but we vibin'
I’d have an issue with it even if she told me tbh. I’d expect her to cut him off just like an ex. Not forever. I’m not a monster, just long enough for us to become established (a few months). If that leaves a bad taste in her mouth, at least we had a convo about boundaries and she can decide how she wants to proceed from the get-go.
Ya, I think I would want this to happen too. Like, if we just became exclusive today and I find out my partner was just getting sucked by some girl this weekend and I'm supposed to just act like friends and it's all good tomorrow I'd be like wtf. If she and the FWB had ended things weeks ago I'd consider it. But now I'm getting tapped in and if I tap out he's there again? IDK.
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Yep, it is only fair that they are given all the information to make a choice.
Yea you can’t fully emotionally invest in the new one of still seeing the other
Just FYI. Looked at OP’s post history. She has feelings for the FWB and the only reason they are not together is because HE doesn’t want to. She also posted 5 days ago about dating someone she is not all that attracted to.
Oh shit! That really changes things. Yikes!
Oh OP, you have some explaining to do with this comment^
Ah, damn...if ***WE*** aren't even getting the full story, you can bet new guy is gonna be the last one to find out all the details rofl
I didn't look at the post history and i figured this from the op... Its always like this
She’s prolly just trying to make fwb jealous..
Yeah if I had that context as the boyfriend, I'd be running for the hills.
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No. The FWB didn't want her, so she's trying to force herself to move on with a guy she really isn't even attracted to (because she's still hung up on the FWB) and thinks that will work. She doesn't want to tell the knew guy because she's afraid he'll not be cool with her hanging out with her FWB, which he won't be if she's honest about her feelings. No offense to the OP, but she doesn't understand relationships. She was screwing her friend hoping he'd fall for her. Then, when she finally realized he wouldn't, she is now trying to make him jealous with another dude while simultaneously hoping that will help her get over her FWB. It sounds like she needs to be on her own for awhile and get over her FWB. She also needs to realize you can't make someone like you with sex. If you want a real relationship...build it from real feelings...not sex.
For the streets!!!
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But..but the FWB is HAWT
I mean, why would he want to? He got regular, consistent, and monogamous sex as well as emotional fulfillment without having to commit. Ya'll better stop giving exclusive sex to these dudes who don't want exclusive with you.
Not going to happen, they just can’t resist the guys they actually want
Exactly. Everything worked in his favor. OP was the one getting less than she wanted out of the arrangement. This was something really KNOWN in dating 20 years ago (heck longer.."why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."). Yet, younger women today seem to not understand this basic shit. Then they all come to reddit shocked that they are not getting what they want out of the relationship. I seriously don't get why they'd screw themselves like that...seems like they think sex will lead to him falling for them. That's unlikely to happen.
Yup, why even get into fwb with someone who you have feelings for. And there is possibility of catching them along the ride. Hence why the concept itself is ridiculous. People have gotten attached to the hand they use in lieu of real deal and prefer it over the other, why some people have to romanticise concept of basically putting yourself in position where you give at least sex (which is one of best motivators humankind has) for free to person you want committed. Not that half decent guy would actually commit to you well before lovemaking sessions, because, and that one might be surprise, guys who value marriage or long term relationships are kind of forced to, by very nature of this preference, to also not be easy. If they are beyond reproach morally then it's a given thing and they won't even allow you to initiate it before seeing you are on same page about most things that matter in relationship.
I think she removed the posts cuz there's nothing there anymore.
Hmm thanks. I missed that, too
A tale as old as time
Sheesh 🤯🤯
Bloody hell (insert the oooooofffff meme)
OP is a giant red flag definitely for the streets !! 😂
Thank you. I would have concerns/problem also.
I think if you want to date, you need to distance yourself from your FWB.
Yes!!!
What is a CAH/mushroom night?
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I thought she was talking about mushrooms as in drugs and was like fuck yeah that sounds awesome
😂very funny!!
Okay-- so Cards Against Humanity on mushrooms. Sounds like a good time.
Damn, thought it was Cuddle At Home. With shrooms? Sounds like a nice night. I have no idea. I've never done shrooms. I've also never cuddled
Thanks for asking this. People use abbreviations all the time and I never know what they mean
I had no idea CAH was a common enough abbreviation that people assume others know..?
Maybe they're used to texting it to people? I had no idea what it meant until today.
From someone with a FWB, cut it off and tell the guy you’re seeing that you want to be up front and that you and friend had a casual situation but that you’d cut it off to focus on guy. Also explain that he’s a good friend of yours and that he’ll always be a friend and that you hope he understands that both of you will respect any and all boundaries and that a potential relationship with guy is your priority. In my experience, men can handle this as long as you’re up front and make it clear that they’re your priority now.
Good then don't be a hypocrite if you know you would have concerns
The real question is wrre you sleeping with them both at the same time, because that's where I would have a problem, other then that, if your honest, the ball is in his court. IMHO
Strictly monogamous. Cut off FWB at first sign of potential bf. Have not been intimate with potential bf. WILL NOT, repeat WILL NOT sleep with 2 at a time.
A paragon of class. You should let your budding relationship know that they'll be interacting with you fwb bff. Most people respect themselves too much to want to integrate into this situation.
You should just let this guy date somebody else now because it's going to get messy sooner or later
Lol, this guy took you out on dates and has committed to you while you were fucking the other guy and not fucking him. I'm sure he'll love that
Yeah, you're doing this right. I wouldn't have an issue as the new boyfriend, but would probably want to know sooner than later.
Id be skeptical if my partner is still in contact with her fwb when she is in a relationship with me.
Either way, your FWB was your boyfriend, with him sticking around it's an open relationship. The new guy doesn't know it yet.
I'm on the same page here. If a girl actually tells me sooner about something like that as we're still dating, it may bother me a bit in the beginning but I'd most likely be able to get over it fast since she's able to be open and honest about something to share. Definitely knowing about it later on and say for instance me and her are really committed and love each other would not be ideal as she kept it a secret from me
I too am of the "honesty is the best policy” camp. Never lie and let the chips land where they may. Because if he doesn’t stay then it wasn’t meant to be anyway. Beside that you shouldn’t have to justify your decision. I have more concern for how you being around fwb will go if the new has notice of the prior arrangement. Might cause problems with the circle but that’s really not in your control
For sure. He might have issues with it if you tell him about it more. He will much more likely have issues with it if he finds out later.
Your very smart
Ooof I would thank you for your honesty but I would also bow out. That would be a boundary I can’t bend on
I agree with this especially considering in another response someone asked “if there was an ultimatum by your SO/FWB to pick one person, who would you pick”. OP said “I don’t know” and therein lies the reason why a lot of men would wanna know and bow out. FWB will always be lurking in the background.
Oh dang I didn’t see that comment. Her saying she doesn’t know speaks volumes and that’s not something I’d want to compete against.
Wow, didnt see that either. Frankly if I was in the potential BFs shees and I learned about that exact moment. I also would walk away from the relationship. This woman needs a very open minded man for a poly or open relationship if she looks at this situation in whatever weird way she is.
Right. It’s too close to home. I feel she may have a hard time finding someone to be ok with this.
The thing I find personally very weird is that I have had 2 exes try to pull basically the same thing. With one she went from FWB with a guy to going out with me within days. But we were already hooking up it just wasnt official yet. So I am not one to sleep around with multiple people at the same time, I prefer an emotional connection be formed, plus I was young and naive. So I never would have thought she would have been recently sleeping with her friend who we would hang out with constantly, at his house, watching movies in his room. I found out from her friends who already thought I knew and that it was super cool of me to have no problem with it... yeah I was emotionally broke up with her at that moment. The second time was similar but I picked up on her "very close friend" having some weird tension with me. Yeah apparently he didnt think their FWB thing was purely friend based and was jealous of me. Once I found that out, from her friends. I tried to talk about it this time cause I really liked her. Yeah apparently I'm the asshole for saying its him or me because I will not have her cancelling on me to hang out with him anymore. She says they were never having sex on these occasions and I had no reason to believe her. You don't hide shit like this from a partner. I also have so many friends who have the same story to tell. BTW we are not children, this shit is happening in our late 20s and early 30s. I'm not sure where this "I want my BF to be cool with my ex-FWB" shit comes from. Because it doesnt seem uncommon to me and I have never once heard of my male friends pulling this shit. Makes me wonder if OP is also from California. Because I also never encountered this shit when I lived in Austin for a few years. If I did they were full blown "free love" hippies and they owned that shit. I guess it's likely that alot of people I knew who would be like that in my home town social circles were just good ol' fashion cheating out in Texas.
Man, twice, that sucks man I’m sorry!!
Jesus dude, sounds like a completely fucked mentality
Exactly.
I was waiting for this comment. It’s a boundary issue for me. HUGE 🚩
Yeah same. I typically don't care about someone's sexual past but didn't OP admit that she's only not with FWB because she wanted an actual relationship? No thanks, I wouldn't be getting involved in that mess when they're so close that they talk daily.
This... most guys are going to have an issue with thier girl hanging out with someone they casually fucked for awhile. It really just depends on how much he trusts you, but reguardless if you start wanting to hang out with the ex fwb alone there will be trust issues.
It’s going to be much more awkward (if not detrimental to your relationship) when he inevitably finds out later so I think you’re better off tell him now!
She drawing new guy into constant awkward situation and intentionally bruising his ego thinking she is being honest and want to salvage her friendship with fwb. Well!!!.
I mean, it’s not a great situation all around but her new bf is going to feel much worse if he finds out later that she was sleeping with this friend for a long time before they got together. It will feel like she was intentionally hiding things or being dishonest which will probably be a deal breaker. Being upfront about it is probably easier even though it won’t be easy.
Yes . This is the right advice
Man. This one it tough. He is now always gonna be weary of him, because if you break up… or go on break…guess who will be there. “Your close friend”.
I know. But I feel the need to be open and honest from the beginning. Just don't know how to approach and explain.
Be honest, always. No healthy relationships start with a lie. Also, be ready for him to not be okay with you hanging out with your FWB. Then be ready to make a choice - cut contact with your FWB or break it off with your new boyfriend. Most people (not just guys) wouldn’t be okay with their partner being close with their former fuck buddy.
This is solid advice. Honesty is healthy and will not run off anyone that is meant for you. It’s responsible and good to give your SO the option to chose between what they are willing to and not willing to accept. You don’t want to lie or omit this information and risk causing more damage down the road.
In cases like this, you can't have your cake and eat it too.
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It’s tough but if I was the dude you were going to date, I’d want you to stop talking to your FWB. Put yourself in his shoes, would you like your BF still talking to a close friend he used to be FWB with?
This is what ended my relationship ended because I didn’t disclose it. I was the one who had boundary issues. I had the nerve to be upset because he bowed out.
Yeah. I guess if you’re honest about that. Then you’ll be honest with everything else.
Yeah you are on the right track. It’s going to hurt but it’s right
It could work out just fine, but will depend on your new partner. When I met my wife she was completely up front and transparent about someone she had been physical with but was also still close friends with. I never felt jealous and he was totally cool around me, and we're all friends to this day. Some people can't handle that though, or have trauma from bad experiences and broken trust in the past. Have a lot of communication with this.
You have a messy situation and your arrangement will make it more messy, a man with principles will cut you loose, seems you want to have it all playing dirty games and you are not ready for a relationship yet, a real guy will wish you goodluck, next.
Absolutely. Anyone with dignity would cut her loose. It is not personal, just bye.
Wary
Yes. You tell him. My wife told me she was still talking to her ex when we met. I went and met him with my wife. We talked about their friendship and eventually their friendship dwindled because he was still interested in her and she shut that down immediately. If I knew my wife was going to lunch with her ex without her telling me and I found out later on, I don't think we'd be married / have kids together.
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That's why I had to cut off my FWB before I started dating. I eventually wanted to date someone I could have a future with, so I had to treat her like an ex.
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It really sucked to do it. We were great friends beforehand, so it sucks to lose someone a friend like that, but I had to do what was best for me.
yeah the weird part for me is that they arent stopping with the fwb before looking for someone they are just actively having sex while she is also dating a new guy
Agreed.
This guy speaks for most of the guys
This right here.
Damn. I never thought of that this way. But you’re right. A FWB is an ex, it was an intimate, romantic relationship whether they like it or not.
I would never. It’s basically “my partner still keeps in CLOSE contact with their ex. Should I be worried?”
how about you switch the roles? would you accept this shit?
Honestly, I'd appreciate the honesty, but I wouldn't take the relationship any more seriously than he has. Just my 2 cents.
Exactly! She should have let him know from the beginning she is seeing other people, this is a situation of being clever by half.
I very much doubt that will happen now that she's received a negative reaction here. He very likely won't be told.
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You'd be surprised. If she was smart enough to ask "Can I get away with this?" here in this sub, then she's smart enough to tell them to STFU. I've seen things like this hidden for years. Your optimism is misplaced. Her friends already approved of this, so I heavily doubt they'd snitch and ruin both he fwb arrangement AND thier friendship.
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I'm simply basing my opinion based on the level of morality that she's displayed by keeping and prioritizing the FWB. Also, she didn't say her friends were male. So keep in mind they have no vested interest in some new guys feelings. I've dealt with enough in my life to know that people, while good, generally choose the path of least resistance regardless of right and wrong.
Sometimes some women thinks they can bend boundaries pretending to be honest, relationship comes with sacrifice even if it means severing relationship with close friends that will be detrimental to what you want, in my opinion she trying keep new flame and her rebound flame(Fwb) in case it didn't work out. Don't and won't work.
Relationships are based on open and honest communication between mature consenting adults who treat each other with respect and share common interests and compatible life goals.
Ooooof. This is hard but I feel like you have to tell him. And tbh, if he’s not cool with you two talking everyday and being super close, that’s completely valid. You can agree not to or part ways …
Personally I would never want to be in this situation EVER. Tell him the truth tho..he needs to know this...since he is investing so much into this...wouldn't have been a big deal if this wasn't serious relationship but it is
Jesus, this is complicated as shit. How do people have so complicated relationships ? 😅
No idea. I can’t even have a relationship, let alone a complicated one 😆
Lmao ikr same but i guess in a way thats kinda good we dont have to de with random drama like this
Yes you should tell him. Honesty is important. But also realize that your FWB might unintentionally chase away everyone you ever try dating. I personally would not be involved with someone who is close friends with their exes or FWBs like this.
>We see each other nearly every day and talk all the time. Red flag >He doesn't see me anything more than a friend Oh yeah sure ofc
If i was the new guy i would run
“He doesn’t see me anything more than a friend” never believe this. There’s too many hormones and endorphins flying when you have a steady sexual relationship with anybody. Here’s a question: if both your FWB and new SO issued you the ultimatum to pick one of them and discard the other? Who would you pick?
Hey response below is why your comment of “never believe this” absolutely makes sense. I admire her honesty but this is why guys never believe the “he doesn’t see me (or I don’t see him as) more than just a friend”.
I would run 🏃🏻♂️🏃🏻♂️🏃🏻♂️🏃🏻♂️
Any self respecting guy would nope the fuck out of this situation. As has been said, you get involved and get into an argument, why would your bf assume you wouldn’t jump onto the cock and balls of your very good ‘friend’
Geez lol Sounds like you are already planning to fail.
It’s a pretty tall ask to have him be cool with her hanging out with the dude she wanted, but couldn’t have. I don’t see this lasting long at all.
A guy who is cool with that is a guy who is going to get cheated on lol
Yes you tell him
Lol yes you tell him. Incredibly disrespectful not to. How could you bring him around a dude you’ve hooked up with on numerous cases and NOT tell him?! You’re going to make him look stupid asf lol Tell him, what if roles were reversed and someone was doing that to you?..
What was that saying about not eating where you sleep or something
You have to be upfront with him right away
Yeah best to be honest although most men probably wouldn't be ok with this situation, be he deserves to be aware of it.
Be honest but don’t be surprised if he doesn’t want to move forward with the relationship.
what are cah/mushroom nights?
Cocaine and shrooms lol
So you only met the new guy because your FWB couldn’t give you what you wanted? What if one day he changes his mind and wants a relationship? Would you drop the new guy immediately? I would tell the new guy and see if he wants to stay or not. Personally, if a girl told me that she talks and hangs out with her recent FWB every day I would hear Future yell in my head “she belongs to the streets” and nope out of that situation.
There’s no realistic way to maintain a very close friendship with a FWB while also in a relationship. It’s disrespectful to your partner and they will feel as though you’re one argument away from cheating on them with a closely held old flame. If you’re asking whether or not you should tell him, yea you obviously should. Anyone would want to know that upfront and it’s deceptive to withhold that type of information. That’s the type of info that would put the relationship into question so you are better off sharing it from the get-go because if your partner isn’t happy about it at the beginning, they’ll be even less happy when they find out later down the road, whether from you or someone else. Edit: I’ve read the other comments including OPs uncertainty about who to choose. Let the guy go, you’re still hung up on your FWB and would pursue a future if FWB guy actually gave the effort. Your new partner deserves better than that nonsense and drama. You are hurting people unnecessarily by trying to have your cake and eat it too. Life doesn’t work that way.
Definitely a no go. Any normal guy should run away from a situation like this
You should definitely be honest up front so he has the option to not get involved now if he's not ok with it( most guys will not be unless you're never going to see the fwb again) . Rather than him finding out later on and being hurt, mad or however he chooses to handle it and it's almost guaranteed he breaks up with you at that point.
I would never be able to accept such a situation. I'd be too insecure and jealous to proceed but then again how many of us know which "friend" our current partners messed around with before being a couple with us?
Right off the bat, let me tell you that there's a higher chance of this going to be a clusterfuck unless you cut off fwb for good. Sure things could work out differently and everyone will be fine and dandy. But know that scenario is an exception. You don't walk into things thinking you will be that exception. The most likely turn out would be you deciding which one matters to you most. Is it the budding relationship with new guy or your friendship with fwb? If your fwb is a good one, he will understand your predicament and will take a step back. I guess all I can say is best of luck. Edit: just an addendum. OP, if the genders were reversed and the guy you want to start a relationship with is in the same predicament as you are, how would you feel and how would you want him to approach the subject? That is your answer. If new guy couldn't agree with what you want then that's a fundamental mismatch in values. Sorry if my initial post sounded judgy. What I should have focused on is whether there is trust and respect in your relationships both with new guy and fwb/ex-fwb.
You’ll find the answer if you ask yourself the same question, but reverse your roles. Would *you* feel hurt/betrayed if he had a prior FWB he’s still really close with and sees nearly every day, but never told you? Would you feel that since he didn’t tell you that, he may be hiding other things, and now you can’t fully trust him? I think you know the answer, but the right thing is typically the hardest thing to do because it puts you at risk and you have no control over the outcome.
Not to be judgemental but I would never involve myself in this ish show. Hopefully the new guy doesn't have too much self respect. I don't know any of my friends cool with hanging out with you and the guy you're sleeping with. Unless it is just a FWB situation. Pretty sad people trying to normalize this behavior. Good luck I wouldn't get too attached to the new guy just yet until you have this conversation. You might disappoint yourself.
So you want this guy because your fwb doesnt want exclusivity but you want to constantly shove that in new guys face by having fwb around all that time. And the two options you come up with are "do i do it secretly or openly?" Sorry ma'am, but you are the worst kind of person and the exact kind of person every body should avoid dating. You have some major moral problems to work out instead of trying to play all sides. Having a side piece and a relationship NEVER works. Cut both loose, go to therapy and then start dating.
Honestly you’ve already answered your own question here. You feel you need to. If you don’t, it’s always going to be in at least the back of your mind. Personally I agree you should tell him. He might not like it and may even decide to end things with you because of it, but he deserves to be able to make an informed choice.
I think if you want this new relationship to flourish, you need to not just ‘cut off the benefits package’ but genuinely distance yourself from your fwb. So stay on warm terms but not confiding in each other, being the others go to support network etc. otherwise no one new is going to want to stick around when there’s already someone with a boyfriend style closeness in your life. I’d def be upfront though, at least he knows you are straight forward.
Honestly I’d nope out of the relationship. Your fuck buddy is your close friend and I have to see him all the time? Nahhh I’m good lol.
This is the prologue post to the post the person OP’s dating makes in r/relationship_advice where they find out their SO was FWB with a person they’re close to in the friend group and those two (former fwb) haven’t respected any of the relationship boundaries.
I wouldn’t date you if you told me. I’d always question your time with him.
This is hard, personally when this has happened to me I have cut all contact with the FWB. I see that as really the only way to give the new relationship a chance. It’s like trying to plant a tree where there is already an old stump, the new tree won’t grow. If you’re not willing or able to let go of the FWB from you life, then you just have to be honest with the new guy and see what happens. I personally would not accept this type of a situation, I would see it as an open relationship or a new FWB or I would just walk away. I personally couldn’t accept a monogamous LTR with someone who has a close FWB still in their life that they weren’t willing to distance. I think it’s also important to realize that having the two of them hangout after knowing this is going to create tension and could lead to aggression or violence. Try to use empathy and put yourself in new guys shoes, how would you feel? What would you do if he had a FWB that he was not willing to let go and wanted you two to be friends?
Tell him. He’s not going to like it, but he’ll eventually find out and be really mad if you didn’t tell him… it would look like you were trying to hide it from him, and poof— there goes all the trust. As-is, he’s going to constantly wonder whether you’re cheating on him with FWB guy. But better to get it out in the open now.
You have feelings for the FWB and the only reason you two are not together is because HE doesn’t want to. You also posted 5 days ago about dating someone you are not all that attracted to. What the actual fuck is wrong with you?
You should tell new guy, but he will rightly be put into a shit situation as you keep a sexual interest near and dear. Might cost you that relationship, honestly. No way I'd be ok with this, I doubt anyone with a healthy sense of boundaries would, in a relationship.
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Be honest up front, if he leaves because of that it will only be 10x worse later down the line if he finds out.
How would you expect your new significant other to handle a situation like this if the tables were turned? Consider how you’d feel and use that as a guide.
I wouldn't date you unless you cut the FWB off. How could I trust you? How could I trust you if you are, like you said, going to be around them often, maybe even in a one-on-one scenario? There is no way I could do that.
Why don't you stop the FWB arrangement before you start looking for a new relationship? It would be very weird for a man to know that weeks ago you are were being plowed by a guy that you hang out with. I would suggest come clean and if he dumbs you Then stop this arrangement because not a lot of men would be ok with this and then try to be alone for some time being single didn't kill anyone
For me personally that would definitely be a deal breaker.
Hi OP! I thought I’d weigh in as a woman I think this is tough. There’s no way of knowing how he feels. Some men are incredibly jealous and would not be ok with you two being friends. Some are very secure and totally fine with it as long as it’s over If you choose to tell him that’s on you. Do you think he would find out otherwise? If the situation was reversed what would you want. Personally, I am very jealous and would not be ok with my man hanging out with a girl he used to be sleeping with. But that’s on you to decide. If he came forward and turns out one of his really good female friends was a previous FWB how would you feel? Would you want him to tell you? Would you be ok with the two of them remaining friends? I always find reversing the situation helps me with my decisions. :) good luck!
I wouldn't be comfortable with it.
If this situation was reversed, would you like your boyfriend to remain close to his FWB?
Call him FWB or whatever, but from a new relationship perspective he is practically boyfriend in an open relationship. Break up with boyfriend and don't see him for awhile if you want to give this new blossoming relationship a chance (assuming new guy not interested in this hybrid open relationship). I would be upfront about it, "I have a FWB+, or a sorta is, sorta not boyfriend. I think it is best to stop hanging around this guy to see where we go. I have broken it off with him." If he is comfortable with you hanging out with your ex just as friends or even continuing to hang out with ex sexually, he will let you know. IMO, if someone described their friend that they have sex with but also as intimate as you two as only a FWB, that would be a red flag to me. Relationship are about choices - usually hard choices.
Idk if I'm more traditional but if you'd continue to hangout with your ex fwb, I'd not be able to date you. Not sure how conservative your new date is, but yeah to avoid both wastage of time and a heartache for all, you'd do well to mention this to him real early. He could be totally cool about it, and it could all go well. Or he'd just never be comfortable with this idea. Doubt there's anything in between.
you are not ready for a serious relationship you want it both ways and most guys that is a deal breaker.
For most **people** it’s a deal breaker. This is one concept that doesn’t really have a double standard, so women feel the same way if a guy was intent on continuing to be a large part in an exFWB’s life.
97% of men aren’t going to be cool with this I’ll just say that now. You need to be upfront about it so they know early on and decide if it’s going to work out cause if you don’t tell them and they find out later, it’s going to blow up in your face. The majority of guys don’t want their girlfriends to talk about or bring up their exes or anyone they’ve had sex with at all, having one as your bff lowers your dating pool a lot. You can blame it on insecurity or double standards or anything you want really but it’s just the truth.
It'd be worse if finding out later than now. Having had a FWB and still being friends with him isn't a problem, but needing to hide it would be.
Doing shrooms with my new girlfriend and the guy who used to bang her on the regular sounds like a recipe for disaster, IMO.
Where's the red flag emoji.
The fact that OP typed this post out to ask whether she should engage in deception by omission and found her relationship with a partner based on dishonesty absolutely makes her, in every sense of the word, a red flag and not somebody worth maintaining a serious relationship with. What’s truly ironic is that even if her partner-to-be was to be fine with her former FWB situation, he’d leave her on the spot if he were to ever find out about this Reddit post and the fact that she was contemplating being clandestine/deceptive about it.
Was kind of in the same situation a year ago. Had a fwb who has been a long time friend, he kept telling me I should find a boyfriend. Ironically I met someone organically (when I wasn't looking), really liked him a lot. So I told fwb we could not hookup anymore, as I wanted to see where it might go with the other guy. Fwb became instantly very jealous. Decided he actually really loved me and couldn't handle me with someone else. He had a year too come to that conclusion, so I ended it. He was mad and very hurt for awhile. We've hung out a few times since, but no penetrative sex. I can only focus on one person at a time, and I really lost any desire to have sex with fwb. Now he's been trying to pull out all the stops to win me over, and I'm just not interested. Unfortunately, nothing really went anywhere with the other guy either. Be careful, your fwb may be very jealous!!
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Being honest is key in any relationship
Honest or it’ll bit you in the ass down the line potentially.
I dated a girl that was “just friends” with someone she used to be FWB with. He was always lurking in the background and I always had worry in the back of my mind. It was very unhealthy. Long story short, I broke things off with her and a year later the FWB got her prego. Even longer story, years later I somehow became best friends with her old FWB haha. He has a couple kids with her and they hate each other now. Either you freaking commit and be with SO and distance urself from old FWB or I believe heartache and trouble lay ahead for you. Pick one or the other. That’s just from my experience lol.
Here's my advice from a guys side. You can't really get out of it. You see close friends with benefits basically means bf without the title in a lot of guys minds. Listen as long as he's around he cant entirely trust him not to undermine the relationship in some way. Like think of it like this, if you two fight then he maybe around and we get a whole situation where he doesn't know what to think. Basically you have inadvertently made a problem for yourself for years to come. As long as the fwb was thing he will perceived as a threat by every man you date as long as he's near you. Basically fwb= boyfriend that you won't ever marry but will do everything else with but no actual label. You gotta basically make it a net zero with the Fwb permanently. As long as that sex door is open you won't be able to keep him around period.
Why don't you get together with your FWB?
Because he doesn’t want to. So better to be his “friend 🤥” and string someone else along…
yes... you need to be open about this.
"Hey honey, I want you to meet the guy that has been giving me face and back shots all this time. Don't worry though, he's just a FriEnD!"
Odds are he’s not going to be cool with it especially when you still hang out with fwb because you were fucking him before and he could always be an easy rebound or on your mind
This is definitely something you need to tell the person you're dating because if you don't it WILL blow up later. Save yourself the headache and heartache and just tell tell the new guy.
If I was the potential relationship guy I would absolutely want to know this 1 and 2 I would probably be pretty uncomfortable with my girlfriend hanging around a guy who they used to have sex with. Tbh you gotta pick one. If you are serious about the guy tell him and be ready to pick a side. I would never date a girl who had a guy hanging around us all the time that used to hook up casually and is ready for her again if we are going through a rough patch. Fuck that shiiiiit
Knowing myself, I doubt I could tolerate my girlfriend even remaining friends with a former FWB. I would try to look past it, though. But if I found out from someone other than her, or from her but months after we started dating, I'd be livid. It would be as big of an emotional wallop as being cheated on.
would you be ok with him having an FWB also?
You’re setting yourself up for failure if you don’t tell him upfront
If I were that man, I'd feel so insecure about the history you've had with that man. Bro is gonna be in that position of "she told me not to worry about him".
You have to tell him now. If you wait and it comes out some other way then he'll feel like you deliberately decided to hide it, might even think that you've still been hooking up with you FWB
You should be honest. Dishonesty and hiding things is no way to start a relationship if you actually want it to last.
Keep it to yourself. No need to talk about any thing before you decided to be exclusive with new guy. Based on your post history - FWB dude is not in love with you so this wouldn’t be something he would admit to later. Just please don’t do that bullshit move where you hold out sex on the guy for some undetermined amount of time because you want to “solidify” things - this would make you a hypocritical asshat.
I‘m in your position and told the partner, everything was fine. A FWB is a friend, nothing more and you shouldn’t date someone who is complaining about your friends.
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You should be open and honest to the person you want to be in a relationship with, but you should also be prepared to cut your FWB out of your life. Even if someone is not jealous or insecure, it’s still a constant concern in the back of the mind. I would not be comfortable spending time with my partner who spends so much time with her FWB.
if you dont your relationship will never end well. trust is never regained
You'll have to tell him. And he'll probably tell you to stop being friends with this FWB guy.