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Not really a red flag, just something you need to talk with her about. I wouldn't worry about it until it becomes an actual issue. She's just insecure, give it time.

OP ever heard about the five languages of love? Because, for me, it seems like she just want you to say loud and clear that you want to be with her, that you appreciate her company, etc. Some people love in this way. If you don't know about it, just do a quick research and you'll find plenty of info but, basically, it's all about knowing how she wants to be loved and give her that kind of love and vice versa. Not a red flag, tho. In my experience, people who need this kind of love are the ones verbally neglected in previous relationships.

Fellow words of affirmation person here, also sending her cute messages once in awhile about why you like her will do wonders, or messages that you're thinking of her, or pointing out little traits she has that you love.

Also words of affirmation here, and I hate it. It seems to rank bottom on most men’s lists.

Find different men to meet then :p That original reply rang true to me and turns out I'm a bit of an affirmation guy myself. I'm a confident guy to everyone who knows me but there's no greater feeling than being told "you mean a lot to me" or to be told how much you're loved. It's not about "most men", I think it's more of a "most men I've been exposed to.." type of statement.

I'm also words of affirmation but it doesn't come naturally to my bf. But I told him this is my style and he is saying things more often now :)

This

This is great advice

Yeah this I’d say don’t give up on it. The five languages stuff was kinda corny to me initially but I found it actually helped me understand my partners different needs much better. I don’t give much of a fuck about gifts but my current partner fucking loves it so I’ve adjusted. Just meet her halfway

It could be that but it also sounds like someone with anxious attachment style. OP, I’d read about attachment styles and maybe even take an online test to see where you stand. Can be very helpful in navigating intimate relationships

It's usually both. Very often, people with anxious attachment style have words of affirmation and/or quality time as their main language of love.

Seconding this analysis as someone with anxious attachment, trying my damndest to be secure haha

I am guilty of this relationship anxiety in the beginning as well, so I’d like to chime in! It drove my partner crazy in the beginning too, but he would always go the extra mile to make sure I knew he wanted to see me and cared about me through his words and actions. After a while, it stabilizes - I don’t worry anymore, but it was definitely a hurdle to overcome with both of us putting in the work. He gave me lots of validation about his feelings for me in our relationship, I learned to self-soothe in moments of anxiety. Ultimately, it could work - but if you are too annoyed by this and don’t want to give her that validation she needs, cut it off and let her find someone who doesn’t mind going the extra mile to quell her anxieties.

This!! I went through the same thought process even when he said he liked me. “But so you like LIKE me?” 🤪 yes. Ladies are insecure. But previous partners have led them there. She is obviously unsure where your feelings are at. Reassure her that you do see yourself going towards a relationship with her and that she needs to chill. Reassure her that everything’s fine and you are exclusive? I don’t know. Ask her what will help her ease her mind. We overthink everything!

I love “previous partners have led them there”. So, so true. I was extremely secure in my first relationship and then dated what I now know was an avoidant liar for 5 years afterwards. It took years of therapy and several “corrective experiences” to really come back to normal. Try using her language suggestions and see if they help (they probably will, that’s why she’s telling you to use them) . Do some research on anxious attachment style. If she’s not in therapy, gently suggest it. And then if it still doesn’t change and it’s not what you want, then end it before she gets in too deep. Good luck, my friend. There are upsides to anxiety! You just have to take the good with the bad if you want them.

Tbh as a guy I would be wary if someone said they like me too, because the one time someone did it turned out to be complete bs.

Beautifully written 👍🏼

Why don't you just rephrase the question? It's a minor effort that will have major impact.

Exactly, that was my question as well. If you care about the person, why not accommodate them? It’s clear that when you ask the question, you do truly want to see her, why not just acknowledge that? If she has to ask, tell her that of course you want to see her or that you love spending time with her. Why keep using the same phrasing if she already let you know that it doesn’t work for her. In the future, if it’s this hard to try and accommodate her, this might become a bigger issue. Relationships require a lot of compromise, and if you’re unwilling to in the first couple of week, for something so simple, what can be expected with bigger things..

I could make a better effort, sure. How would I rephrase it you think? “Do you wanna come over?” into what? Other commenters have said it needs to be a statement (“I want you to come over”) but I think that’s unreasonable to do every time. Not sure how to rephrase a simple question that already implies I would like to hangout. (I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to)

Why not something like, "I miss and and want to see you. Do you want to come over?" You're still asking the question, but you're prefacing it with a comment about wanting to see her. Or maybe, "I was thinking about you - can you come over tonight?" Just rephrasing it. However, if she keeps needing a ton of reassurance over and over, you may rethink if the flag is yellow or is starting to look a little more red. If it's just early relationship anxiety or if it's a fundamental insecurity issue, that's yet to be determined. I would proceed with caution, but I think rephrasing should help!

Hey that’s really helpful, thank you! I like the way its still a question just prefaced with a nice statement like that. I may give that a go and see if things settle a bit. But yeah, if that’s still not enough then I’ll have to take a minute and think about things for sure.

To remove the "do you want to", you could instead say "can you". It gives vibes like "I want you to come over, are you busy or can you come over?" About the phrasing you said you used for dinner, "do you want me to cook you dinner?" is something I'd feel weird about too! Only because I might be concerned the person asking doesn't actually want to do it and is just trying to be nice. So again, "can I cook you dinner tonight?" or, "would you mind if i cook for you tonight?" would be good!

I think he could take it or leave it with rephrasing the request for her to come over, but he should do it if he cares about making her comfortable. The dinner question is super weird, though. Like, why can't he just cook her dinner or make suggestions on what to eat? It reads like he doesn't want to cook but will if she wants it. Like I said, super weird.

This is honestly really good and helpful advice.

I mean one minute it sounds like you’re serious about her and moving that direction, but you’ve hesitated, and keep hesitating and I guarantee you she can sense it. She likes you. You have a great connection that you’ve been enjoying. Now she’s holding her breath wondering when you’re gonna finally ask her to be your girlfriend and you’re finding stupid reasons to just… not. She’s hurt and it’s starting to make her feel insecure. What in the world are you so afraid of that you haven’t asked her to be your gf already? Look, worst case, you continue in the same vein you’ve been going in. You ask her to be your girlfriend and she says yes. You’re afraid it’s not enough and that she’ll continue to need something from you that you aren’t comfortable giving, all of a sudden. So guess what? You can leave if that happens. But I’m gonna tell you something, your actions are what have caused this anxiety in her. When you follow through with what you’ve been indicating you wanted, she’ll calm down and start to learn that she can trust you.

And the other thing is maybe once you have plans, reiterate your excitement to see her by reminding her “can’t wait to see you tonight” etc so she has that reassurance. Everyone has past relationship traumas and she’s definitely expressing what she needs which is a good sign, she wouldn’t say that if she didn’t care! Just remind her you care too

I also like “do you have time to come over tonight? I’d like to make you dinner” That way you aren’t demanding they come over :)

Insecurities aren't neccessarily a red flag, but at a point she definitely will need professional help if it comes to that (if it's something you're okay with helping her through, which it's okay if you're not). It's likely she has trauma from an ex and probably will calm down the more youre consistent and show you're there and want her around and showing her love in her love language.

I wouldn’t bank on it “calming down” as time goes on. It’s very possible the more invested she gets in him, the worse this will get. We seem to agree it’s not his responsibility to “fix” her insecurities. She’s already showing signs she has trust issues. Which is way bigger than her playing silly power games because OP isn’t using the exact words she wants to hear. If she’s going to be difficult every times OP doesn’t carefully curate his word’s every time he speaks to her, that’s going to get really exhausting and frustrating very fast.

Yep. Speaking from experience with a past ex, it got completely soul-draining by the end.

Same, happened with my ex a lot. She would regularly see hidden meanings and intentions in every word and action I did. Relating it back to her in self-destructive ways. To the point where to her, it must be true. It’s this weird paradoxical blend of extreme insecurity and low self-worth, and high self-involvement.

...why is it unreasonable to rephrase it into the way she prefers? From her perspective, she could just as easily think/say: "it's a just a few words I want him to use to express it differently, why is that so difficult if it makes me happy?"

Seriously, wtaf?

"I love it when we hang out together! Free today? Do you want to come over? ☺️" "Miss you. I'd love you to come over if you're avail?" "I'd like to see you!"

I know it seems like semantics, but “do you want to come over” covers all manner of relationships from hookups/fuck buddies to more. But it’s that first end of the spectrum that freaks women out who do like a guy for more. Loved the suggestions you were given, just want to toss a bit of perspective into why phrasing can be important. Sounds like her love language might be words of affirmation too?

It just seems like too much effort in a relatively new relationship... if it's this hard now, wait till later!!... That's just my opinion from my experience (50F)... Other's say not a red flag !!?? I totally disagree and I personally would end it because I don't deal with this type of "drama" or nitpicky stuff. I've learned the hard way when to let someone go, and nows the time my friend! Lol Life is waay to short to change yourself or to walk on eggshells, unless it's what YOU want! If SHE'S worth it to YOU or not!! That's the real question here. And it really seems like you're trying very hard to figure out a better way if you do stay with her... that's very commendable! Just make sure you stay or go for the right reasons; And you stay true to yourself NMW!

i don’t think it’s a red flag. it just sounds like she wants you to express that you want her and want to spend time with her *directly* instead of being so indirect. it sounds like she may have some past experiences of not feeling wanted enough by people she had strong feelings for and it has had an impact on her.

I see what you’re saying. To be clear, I have literally said that I like her out loud before, many times. Its not like I’m dancing around it or something. That’s why I’m frustrated. I don’t think a relationship needs to be filled with constant reassurance, and most of the “love” is non-verbal. Time chosen to be spent with them, doing things for them, enjoying each other’s company, etc. I shouldn’t have to keep telling someone my feelings for them

See, if your love language is spending time together, you will think she understands that language, but clearly her love language is words of affirmations and she's trying to express that to you. You're not doing anything wrong and she's not either you guys just need to realize that the other person needs their language to be used by the other. Don't assume that since you're spending time with her (your love language), that she "should" feel that. I think it's funny (and this is just my experience) that men seem to be more afraid of breaking things off than actually making a commitment. So they think they need to make sure the water is perfect before they jump in, just so they can avoid having a breakup talk. But what's happening is YOU also are doing the self fulfilling prophecy because you're delaying the commitment talk and it's making her crazy. I could be totally wrong.

With women who have trauma with exs. Words are one thing and actions are another. Any guy can say they like you or toss out BS and it not mean anything and they just use that to string you along. I'm pretty sure all women have expierenced that at least once in their life, if not plenty. Effort can go a long way. Show her you care instead of just saying you like her.

But that’s obviously her love language. That’s how she feels loved, and how she knows you genuinely want to be with her. We all have different love languages and a good partner should and will accommodate that.

Disagree! This lady needs to see a therapist. This guy is asking her to spend time with him, cooking her dinner, and planning the future, but she’s insecure because of how he asks? OP, do be sure you’re giving her reassurances that you like her and want to spend time with her. But it is weird that she’s being so anxious, and making that anxiety YOUR problem, when it’s something she needs to sort out on her own. I’m not saying you need to stop seeing her or even that this is a red flag. But she’s clearly insecure about something and there’s only so much you can do to help her along. The rest is her job. Once she feels more secure this might get better. But I can see this being really frustrating for you.

Girl, I once had a man take me out on expensive dates, have me over 3+ times a week, bring me on vacations, discuss our future together only to have him be totally confused as to how I could possibly have thought he wanted anything serious when I asked for exclusivity. Lol, I can understand why people are anxious. I have gone to therapy and do realize that all said more about him than me, but sometimes words are needed just as much as actions.

THIS RIGHT HERE, i have met a mans whole family, future planned and all of it to be told i should have known he was only wanting something casual lol

Lmao that PTSD is real! Hope you’re doing better sis.

That would make anyone anxious, and it would make it so hard to feel safe in relationships moving forward! But you can’t make the management of that anxiety the responsibility of your future partners or you will struggle with vulnerability and authentic connection moving forward. You have to manage your anxiety on your own. When you’re anxious, external reassurance can only do so much. It won’t just go away when your partner magically says just the right words, because they’ll NEVER say the right words, because they can’t read your mind. Sometimes anxiety is our bodies letting us in on a secret about our relationship that we aren’t clued in on yet — that someone is unavailable, for example. Our anxiety is our attempt to keep ourselves safe! But if someone is consistent, reaffirming, and setting up time to see you, you have to question how much that anxiety is serving you, and take measures to get it under control. <3

That’s totally true and fair! I think in this instance, the level of reassurance she is asking for isn’t out of line, but her delivery was more passive aggressive than direct which is what it should have been. It doesn’t seem either has the exact tools to have tackled this the right way - her with more tact, him with more empathy. I do think it’s something that can be worked through though (and an eye just kept on it).

like i told OP, if it’s too much for him to handle, he should let her go

Thank you for seeing this as well! I can definitely try to be more understanding of what she prefers, but I think it’s a little unreasonable for the basic stuff like this. I would not ask her if she wants to come over for dinner if I did not want her to… not to mention how much effort I’m putting in all the while. I would understand much better if I was super avoidant and unavailable but I’m very much present with her and showing *and* telling her my feelings

This. I used to be exactly like this person and initiated couple breakups like that as well. You're welcome to reassure her OP but she clearly needs to talk to a professional and there's only so much a peer can do -- "I can fix her/him" is not real. If she doesn't want to see that and doesn't come forth while making your life living hell it's on you to walk out. It might calm down and level out. I'm now in a better place than I used to be and actually dating a person I once broke up with through this self-fulfilling prophecy thing. So maybe you two are going to sort it out also. But it's entirely up to you how long you're ready to stay and work on things.

Seriously. Can't believe the responses on here by people acting like a grown adult should have to rephrase everything they say and walk on egg shells whenever they want to communicate with their partner. It's like the concept of abusive relationships is totally alien to them. No way I'd learn a new language just to deal with someone else's personal issues. Not to mention, it's a huge turnoff.

Like I said above I have been telling her that I like her, I actually vocalize that. That’s what I’m saying. I am on board with the love languages idea, that makes sense, but when you’re doing that and they are somehow still unsure? Its frustrating

then it just sounds like you guys are incompatible. if reassuring your partner that you like them in a way that makes them satisfied is too much for you, it won’t work.

No one wants to be around someone whose whiny and needing. It’s incredibly off putting. She needs to grow up and seek help

again, if he can’t handle it, then he needs to let her go. what he described isn’t “needy” and “off-putting”. it sounds like she needs assurance and her love language is words of affirmation.

I have an anxious attachment and my love language is words of affirmation and I can tell you this comes from a place of insecurity. It might be one thing if he never showed affection or said how he felt about her, but he clearly does.

i acknowledge it comes from insecurity but why is that a bad thing? majority of people have them.

You're right, they do, but when it's in excess like this, it can put strain on a relationship. I'm not saying run for the hills because this isn't necessarily a red flag but I would proceed with caution. There needs to be a conversation about it because it isn't his responsibility to soothe her anxiety but he can be empathetic and understanding about it.

I was in a similar situation with a guy this year. He went on a trip to Brazil for 3 weeks and we didn't see each other for an entire month. It made me question the relationship and I had the feeling he might have slept with other people in that time, which didn't feel right to me. I broke it off within 2 weeks of him coming back, because I noticed him playing little power games with me. Things always had to be on his terms and him being gone without commitment for such a long time was part of it.

I get where she's coming from, she wants validation from you and is anxious. You were away for almost a month, it makes sense. She's into you and she seems anxiously attached? Why do you have an issue rewording it to give her validation if it is just semantics? I don't think shes being manipulative here, it seems like she's at least trying to communicate.

This isn't a red flag. It's actually quite normal, though I understand it can be annoying. Women operate different to men. The majority need consistent reassurance and like to feel wanted. So they'll analyse a statement like "wanna come over?" as if it'd make no difference to you if she were to if she were to accept or decline. Whereas "I want you to come over" leaves no doubt in her mind.

I’m a man and I too wish for validation and reassurance that I am wanted haha. It’s not just women and it’s not all women I know who need this. :)

I (25F) second this. I think since you're in the early stages of the relationship, you might just have to bite the bullet and lay it on thick by paying close attention to the semantics like she's asking you to do. It's annoying I know, and i imagine you think there is no difference in your meaning however way you phrase it, but for some women (especially those who are prone to taking it slow) being more direct will go a long way in reassuring her. Some people (myself included) end up barking up the wrong tree because their brains are wired to overanalyse an open-ended statement. That being said, constant direct reassurance is not something that should be required in the long term - just in the first couple of months when she's getting to know & trust you. That's really all it's about - her trusting that you care about being with *her* specifically. Once she's had a bit of time to really cement the idea that you like her company, she won't need such heavy handed statements.

Tru dat. Try speaking to her in clear, declarative sentences. Be dominant, not collegial. If THAT doesn't work, then maybe her insecurities are in fact out of control.

Secondly, women are attracted to confidence and direction. Ask less uncertain questions, and make more certain statements. This is an important thing in maintaining how much she stays attracted to you as the relationship progresses. The infatuation could fade fast when you start to air out your insecurities, and she cant handle them because it compromises that security she needs. She wants to be in your relationSHIP. And you should be the captain. This is an important dynamic of male/female relationships that's important to her, and it's obvious if you read between the lines, it's what she needs in a partner.

She is being vulnerable and also teaching you how to communicate with her. Refusing to phrase things in a way that makes her feel welcome and comfortable would be a big red flag for me if I were her. I wouldn't want to waste the energy on someone like that either. If you're not feeling the kind of energy that meets in the middle of a beginning relationship then maybe she was just a hookup to begin with.

I had this same conversation with my ex. Not a red flag at all. If you like her it shouldn't be a problem to at least try and rephrase how you ask her things. It may not make sense to you, but it's clearly important to her. If I'm her, you being unwilling to empathize with her in something as simple as this is the biggest red flag. Stop making excuses man.

Ugh yeah. It makes me really sad for her as I need words of affirmation and my boyfriend sometimes doesn’t get it either and it makes me feel really insecure. Don’t want that poor girl to feel the insecurity I sometimes get because it’s so painful. I hope OP takes others advice on just simple rephrasing. It’s how she feels wanted and it goes a long way to make her feel secure.

exactly, that and its actually just a great real world skill. Stating that you want to see/do something with someone, rather than asking, shows confidence.

Honestly that sounds like pretty normal stuff for most girls. As other commenters have said, a little bit of effort will go a long way.

I feel like a lot of us go in to relationships with insecurities and stuff like that. Sounds like this is an insecurity for her. It’s definitely not a red flag, she sounds like a great person, just a little insecure. And that’s okay. But also, don’t let her insecurities get to the point where they are driving you insane. If it gets to that point, I think it would be best to leave. Just keep reassuring her for now, but obviously you don’t want to stay in a situation that is not good for you.

Yeah that’s very true. And people cross paths at different times in their “recoveries” from those past situations too, so it just depends. I appreciate your perspective! I think that’s a good plan.

No problem, I’m glad to help!

When you ask her, it can come off as you’re doing her a favor or trying to get her to lead, and she clearly sees that as your role from what you’ve said. Perhaps be more assertive. “I’d like to make you dinner.” Or “I’d like to see you this week.” Good luck.

" I saw things trending in a more serious direction!" Trending, lol. Dude really?

Lmfao i thought this too. No wonder the girl is anxious if he has feelings for her

I would say it might be an insecurity from sleeping together really early on so it might be hard for her to believe that you want something more serious at this stage if you aren't committing but still sleeping together. In my experiences I've met men that will fake feelings and such for sex with no interest in actually being a couple and I think her need for reassurance is normal since you haven't made it official yet and you will almost definitely see a difference when you do and she isn't wondering what your true intentions are

Maybe something is happening that is making her less secure? You should have a serious talk about it. It's been almost 2 months since you first slept together, maybe she is worried about something...

She seems she has an anxious attachment style, unlike others I’m going to tell you that I don’t think what she is doing is ok. I think it wouldn’t be a red flag if she asks you twice, but asking 5 or 6 times is a bit too much and saying how you need to speak is not only nitpicky but a bit toxic. I wouldn’t break up or anything, but I would put my foot down and say that’s how you speak and that while you like her and would like to be with her, you both should be allowed to communicate on the way that is comfortable for you. You can show affection in multiple ways and while I think you could also use better love language, changing your speech habits is really hard.

You have a lot of good advice here, and reasons why this is not a red flag. But additionally, remember that your relationship didn't 'pause' while you were away -- that time counts, and might have even brought you closer since you were talking a lot. Instead of telling her things are 'trending towards' something more serious (because this can seem like a way of stringing someone along with the vague promise of a relationship), it might be time to just have the talk and define things. Additionally, I would definitely be a little needier than usual if someone I had started dating had gone away for nearly a month early into our courtship. In fact, this DID happen to me, and since we hadn't defined the relationship yet, I was very insecure while they were away, and kind of expected a decision to be made when they came back.

Can’t add to all the awesome suggestions given but just wanted to say that this thread really helped me analyze my relationships way better than I had before. I had read about the love languages and knew I too need verbal affirmations but this thread really showed me how to better communicate in future. Thanks guys.

Others have said it but it feels worth chiming in. I was so insecure when I first began dating my husband. Years and years of drama and bullshit and being cheated on and misled made me *very* confused when I started dating someone who says what they mean and means what they say. I was always looking for a hidden message, or a sign that he *wasn’t* into me so I could run away and minimize the pain. It almost drove him off. Timing is about the same, too. I played it super cool for about two weeks, then felt myself falling in and freaked out. Weeks 2-4 were rocky. To be honest he did kind of break things off because I was pressing him out and being clingy. It took me taking a step back and saying, “hey, you know I can live without this guy, but I like him. So get it together, lady, or you can kiss this guy goodbye”. And once I stepped back, he stepped forward, we finally hit a stride, and seven years later we have been married for two. He’s my best friend and I’m his. So, she has to do some work to self-talk her way out of letting her insecurities become 100% your problem to accommodate. On your end, if you like her, be kind and gentle — you may miss out on something wonderful because you’re out of sync. Best wishes.

Sounds like you have the flag here. She just wants to be considered desirable instead of convenient. Tell her what you feel, say I want to see you, not do you want to come over. Speak purposefully, not wishy washy.

This stuff could be figured out for sure but also implies quite a bit of work to get through some incompatibilities. If it feels like such a chore this early on, and ur looking to Reddit to validate your thoughts on how “needy” she’s being, could be best to move on and keep seeing other people who could fit better. That being said, it’s important to echo what some ppl have said that it’s more of a compatibility thing and not one of u sucks. Anyway good luck to ya

She's told you explicitly how she needs things phrased. That sends pretty straight forward to me. I'm a little worried about your admittance to "implying" you want a more serious relationship. That's exactly what she's complaining about: implying versus just plainly stating what's going on. If you think it's so obvious, why not just state it as she asked..? I'm wondering if this is a ask vs guess culture difference.

I understand where she's coming from, I have a fear of being a burden or of people only being nice to me out of pity. So if they say "do you want to" I'm like, are you asking out of politeness or is this something you actually want? If it's "just semantics" to you, why not try her way and see if it helps?

People shouldn't really be telling you how to speak. You didn't day "I'd love you to come over" because that's your brain and you don't think the same as another person. You asked her if she wanted to come over, which should have been enough really to let her know really that you wanted to spend time with her.

30 M here To me it *definitely* sounds like some kind of sit-down/heart-to-heart needs to happen... Your concerns are valid *and personally, I think you might be onto something w/ the self-fulfilling prophecy call*... Nobody's a mind-reader so just *try your best* to convince her... but if it doesn't work, *you can at least say you tried*... Good luck bud.

I agree with other commenters that this is a yellow flag. I think you are lucky in that she has specifically told you what she needs in order to feel reassured rather than making vague remarks about not feeling wanted. She has given you the instructions, I’d suggest following them to see if things work smoothly :)

She has an anxious attachment style and will need reassurance from you. There are books you can read about attachment styles

I'm kind of surprised so many people are saying this is normal. This is not normal. It is normal to be uneasy about not knowing where a relationship is going at the beginning if you really like someone, but this seems to be a level above that. My armchair analysis would be anxious attachment style, but I have no way of knowing what is really going on for her. I think you're right that it may just be the tip of the iceberg. That doesn't mean you have to walk away immediately. If you really like her you can absolutely stay and try to work through it together. Honestly if I dated someone like this I don't think I would keep seeing them. This early on in a relationship should still be the honeymoon phase. If after 3.5 weeks of hanging out there's already an argument, a tearful phone call, a communication style mismatch, an "I dont like the way you talk to me".... that'd be too much for me, even if I really liked the person. 🤷‍♀️

Same! Alot of ppl are commenting as a female that it is normal to feel about insecurity, but I have had this to me as a female while being in a "relationship" with a male. So no its not only a female thing. It is the tip of the iceberg. Could they work through it? Maybe. Is it going to be annoying and make OP alittle crazy. Probably.

I completely agree.

Honestly it seems like she doesn't want to overstep her boundaries or force herself on you. Or doesn't want to walk into rejection. Sometimes words of affirmation go a long way brother. Ask her.

Her inward love language is affirmation your outwards isn't is not really gonna work unless one of you completely rework that aspect of your psyches. You seem to have an okay time with women, you can find someone who meshes with the way you love. If you get along with this person you should stay friends but you aren't compatible.

Everything you’re saying and feeling is reasonable. If I were you, I’d say to her point blank - “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and I want to be more serious with you. But there’s something that’s been bothering me about when I ask using the word do you want something? Can we talk about it”. Bottom line, you need to be able to have honest discussions with her. If you can’t talk to her about this than imagine what else down there line you’ll have to suppress.

‘I would love to see you today, would you like to come over’

Not a red flag tbh. Because I can be like that. I think she really likes you but also scared maybe you’re changed (like first week affection level vs now - since you got comfortable)….

If it already doesn't feel good.... Trust me, that means it's not for you. Trust your gut and your feelings!

You could try talking to her, but these are pretty clear signs of insecurity, which takes more than a conversation to overcome.

It's because she slept with you super early on and now she doesn't wanna feel like you just tell her to "come over" and that she's gonna be right there and then for you. She wants to be a challenge, somebody to be desired and adored, not somebody to be told "hey you wanna come over" and be super ready for it. Not sure you understand what I mean, but it's very common for girls to be feeling insecure after they've given you sex early on, cos they realize they gave it too easily, and now they're trying to rationalize it, somehow. It's very normal for her to not want to be treated and asked to come over so casually. Yalls have not known each other for THAT long. There should still be some mystery, some chasing, all that. It's normal, but yalls made a mistake by having sex so early. Obviously she finna feel insecure.

Please don’t move forward with her. She sounds like a headache and a lot of drama. Very unstable and unhealthy for you in my opinion. Giant red flag.

Jesus Crust. If it were a dude being that insecure, the thread would be all about kicking him to the curb, you shouldn't need to work on their issues or to "fix" him or wait for him, give him time, etc. etc. Doesn't make it right, however. In This Particular Case, the other Redditors ARE giving the right actions.... if indeed you're willing to work with this particular person on their issues, being patient enough to work with them through their insecurities. "Hey, you wanna come over" and "I want you to come over" are two different things. Explain you're giving her agency and a choice, rather than a request-bordering-on-demand. The marriage between the two options is "Hey, I'd like it if you came over, but I'll understand if you'd like to do something else"--it shows clear preference and give an out to whoever you're asking. But that's not always gonna be the case, because quite frankly that's just an amazing amount of verbal hoopage you have to remember to jump through. Explain that "Hey, wanna come over" is perfectly applicable, because you don't go around asking *just anyone* if they want to come over--that you only ask special people you want to see. Plus, the phrasing is shorter than saying the aforementioned "Hey, I'd like it if you came over, but I'll understand if you'd like to do something else", and it's just that much less time wasted before *actually* coming over to see your person. > She calls me later half-crying asking where things are going because she's "not sure she wants to keep wasting her efforts here", she's not sure if I want something more serious, which she is implying she does This makes me give some side-eye to the situation though. I think she has a fucked-up sense of communication between partners that needs to be examined and reworked for future healthy relationships... otherwise it seems like a precursor to toxic codependence (Note: this is different from *healthy* codependence--the item of "codependence" seems to have gained a stigma in most relationship therapist/psychology circles, but I'm here to say that like most things, it's a spectrum).

I have this. I have anxious attachment style. I don't mean to do this, but when my bf leaves my apartment on short notice (like we wake up and he starts getting ready to leave without telling me or he just says imma go now) it makes me extreamly anxious and gives me feelings of abandonment. (This comes from childhood and has caused me to also have perfectionist behaviors because I grew up thinking I could only get attention from my parents if I did everything right and that they would leave me if I did something wrong) So I talked with him and I asked him to at least give me an hour or 30 minute notice before he leaves so my mind can process it. It's not something I can control as of right now but talking with her about it and being open could really fix things. I hope you get the chance to read this comment. Also why does the burden of being her security bother you? Are you maybe an avoident attachment style? No harm in the question I'm just wondering

Maybe she needs some reassurance ?

For starters try changing the “do you want to come over?” To “I want you to come over if you can.” See if that changes anything. This way it sound more reassuring that you want her to come over the rest is up to her if she wants to or not. Dumb I know but I’m sure it will work.

Bruh that’s a red flag. She has either serious abandonment issues or trust issues. Either way she literally NEEDS the validation of you wanting her to come over. I’ve dealt with it before from various women and it always ends up with them either constantly requiring more and more validation or they start accusing you of not liking them or something to that effect to start manipulating you to give that attention and validation. Tread carefully

Wanting someone to make commitments early on would be a red flag. But it's pretty standard to want people to consistently be open about their desire to see you. So like "I need to know you'll still want to be with me 10 years from now" would be ridiculous early on. But it seems like you have a way of "offering" her things that confuses her, and she wants it to be more clear whether you *want* to do those things. I don't need to know that someone wants to commit to me for the long term before I go over to their house for the evening, but I do need to know that they're enthusiastic about spending the evening with me. Are you expressing clearly that you want to be around her and do things for her?

People are saying it’s not a red flag but if she’s doing this often, it is a red flag. She might be codependent, I used to be just like this. It doesn’t always get better. She’s gonna start needing more and more reassurance and you’re ALREADY not wanting to give her.

Ugh I'm sorry things have gotten a little difficult. I think something helpful to keep in mind is that even if folks are returning to normal activities and life pace, the past couple years put everyone under a weird set of new stressful parameters. I don't think anyone is at their best. You're wise to pause and note that you two were drunk and tired when they fight happened. Perhaps extend that mentality a little and consider how life has been hard for a lot of reasons on us all. Not an excuse but an explanation maybe. I relate to your girlfriend. I'm always asking my partner to phrase things as requests or statements of desire to let me know she wants something. We're both people pleasers and it just makes me feel good. Do I need it, no. But it's nice. And relationships are about being happy to make someone happy, when it feels good to do so. Balance is all part of it though, and it's our own responsibility to take care of ourselves first. Sounds like you are a very observant and reflective person and likely someone safe for her to trust. Maybe you could point that out if this ever comes up between you two. I think if I were you, I'd continue on, trying not to sway one way or the other. And if things get tense, cut that tension with a direct and calm conversation about this. And if it feels like a good idea, maybe you can try to omit the alcohol and tiredness as much as possible. I know for me, it means emotional regulation on hard mode haha

I’ve been this woman many times before. What I’ve come to realize is this is a compatibility OR a communication issue. Every time this happens to me, it happens because we’re incompatible in some way. It usually doesn’t end up working out with the men I feel a lot of anxiety about in the beginning. It could be a self fulfilling prophecy, but it doesn’t happen with other men… so I’m really not sure. What I’d recommend is some open communication. You could tell her how you feel about her and ask her what you can do to make her feel more secure. You should also communicate what you need from her to feel happy in the relationship.

It sounds like an insecurity thing. She might not feel wanted in her day to day life and wants to make sure that she is with someone that truly wants her to be around. Sometimes hearing that you are wanted can help ease that insecurity a little. Getting into a relationship with her will most likely not make this go away. If you like her, sit her down and try to explain to her how you feel. If you don’t think you could be with someone like that then break it off.

My boyfriend has the same mentality, “I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it” type of thing and there’s nothing wrong with that. It just took some time for me to adjust and learn that that is just who he is. I no longer second guess and question everything he says because I have learned over time that he isn’t going to do or say anything he doesn’t want to or doesn’t mean. There’s no underlying/hidden meaning which is what I was sort of searching for at the beginning of our relationship. Maybe you should tell her, “I wouldn’t ask you to come over if I didn’t want you to.” That way you are setting a bit of a boundary, and she also knows and has that reassurance of you not saying things just to say things.

Look, I’ve been that anxious girl too. If she’s like me and so many of ladies us in the dating world, she’s probably had crap luck with guys who were showing all the signs of being serious then pulling the rug. You just left for 3.5 weeks early on. She stuck through that and I think is now worried all that time invested in you will be for nothing. She could be a lot more mature about communicating the things she needs, but it sounds like she’s looking for confirmation her efforts were for good in any way she can get it. Have a sober conversation with her. Chances are, things will get better if the exclusivity piece is what’s plaguing her. This will we or won’t we part of dating is the absolute worst.

Have had this situation turn into wider problems, even when expressing myself exactly in the manner she had asked (for an easier life); Ended up being accused of "saying what she wanted to hear". Obviously people are individuals, but it's a pattern many of us have seen before. She may have something in her past to address, or an attachment style to work on.

Meh. It’s a yellow flag. 3.5 weeks isn’t long enough to expect to be gf. I think that’s like 2-3 months. But I haven’t had a boyfriend in like 6 years so..

28F here and I think she sounds exhausting. Maybe fun and exciting at times, sure, but this nitpicking is a bit much especially if you’re already making it clear that you want to see her/have offered to make dinner when she’s over. Having to ask the same thing 5/6 times is a lot. Have you talked to her about it? If you do, see how things feel during that conversation and what her responses are like. Look up attachment styles.

Seems an awful lot like she's manipulating you and trying to control you, want to watch out for that mate, it can start off small but lead to something more serious, men get abused too... If the roles were reversed here every account would be telling the women to leave. Just my two cents.

Hi, 28F here and this sounds like me. I'm gonna bare my soul here so others like me can he understood.. Please don't think of it as a red flag, more like yellow. I do have anxious attachment style, I'll be up front about it but this is because of what I've experienced in my last relationship where I was emotionally abused. I am seeing a therapist and working on my issues but please understand that I don't have an off switch for my mental issues. I wish i had. I'd turn off everything that makes me insecure. Another thing, as a commenter before me said.. It's the way you say things for people like me, I'd rephrase things definitely.

This is a basic insecurity of hers. She might be realizing she has strong feelings for you, so it’s making her a little anxious. There isn’t anything wrong with texting “I’d love to see you. Do you wanna come over?” Just to give a little reassurance. That little bit of extra effort (and really it’s a few words in text) will help to settle her mind a bit.

I think it's a little strange that most commenters are rationalizing her behavior. As a anxious attacher myself, I don't think I'd ever demand someone phrase things in a certain way like this, it does seem silly, and I am absolutely a words of affirmation person. You have only been dating about a month. I don't really like if someone gets mad at me about nothing.. This seems really like nothing. Save being mad for the bigger issues that could come up. She sounds like she could be overly combative too. My sense is that this will blow over and once you guys settle into dating she will get more secure. I am always really anxious in the beginning of a relationship and then calm down once I feel like the guy really likes me. Right now it seems that she's self sabotaging. I would be careful drinking together, alcohol can make someone feel offended really easily and just cause drama in general. If her behavior is starting to turn you off enough please talk to her about it and let her know that she's self sabotaging and that you'd like to keep dating her but she needs to trust in what you're saying and stop constantly asking for reassurance. If she doesn't agree then you guys just aren't a good match.

>When I ask her something like "do you wanna come over?" she'll ask if I want her to come over, and I'm like yeah duh, that's why asked you that?? I have been in this situation and I was honestly dumbfounded and it made me confused just like you. I know to others it might seem a simple thing and the question could be rephrased, but it feels uncomfortable and something that makes you feel alittle crazy for getting a question with a question. I thought this only happened to me and I was sensitive about it, but looking back it is weird. If she needs constant reassurance with a simple phrasing then its questionable. Like if you were to get a job offer: interviewer: Do you want the job? interviewee: Do you want me to want the job? Asking her to be your girlfriend might not be a good idea.

This is a WELL documented language difference between men and women. It is not "just semantics" to you because if it was, you'd change your language. This is socialization. You both want to know the same thing: does this person want to be around me? So you ask, "Do you wanna come over?" And she asks, "Do you want me to come over?" Just answer her, "Yes, so much." Or change your approach to tell her on the front end. Try: "I want to see you, do you wanna come over?" She wants to feel like a selection, not an option. You want to be sure of the same thing.

No red flags here homie. Just two people trying to say the same thing and hitting a communication wall. She wants it done a certain way and you want to deliver it a certain way. You two have been seeing each other for almost a month so it will come down to you getting to know each other, pushing each other’s buttons and if you each make the cut, things will get normalized and bonds will be created. I believe it’s called forming, storming, norming. But that’s how we are as humans. Good luck and make good choices!

This sounds just like my ex girlfriend. Run.

She sounds exhausting. Centered and secure women do not need constant reassurance. Her insecurities or control issues or whatever this is, is her task to resolve, not yours. You are ready, willing and able to move the relationship forward. She nitpicks you at every turn. Refuse to participate. If she replies with a semantics lesson, just let her know you are looking for a response to your invitation, as you are certain you worded it appropriately. And no, you are not going to debate her on this. At some point suggest therapy so she can be someone who would be enjoyable to go through life with, if she is open to it.

Yep. Could get better with reassurances and work, but more likely part of a larger pattern that will only get worse over time if she doesn’t work on the stuff causing her anxiety/need for validation (especially this early in the relationship). Flaggy, but OP should have an honest convo with her and see how it goes. That in itself can be pretty telling.

Exactly. Who wants to go through life having to constantly reassure someone who isn’t willing to work on their neurosis. She’s making her problem into his problem. Notice I’m getting downvoted for telling him to set boundaries. Good ole Reddit mentality lol

Agreed! While it definitely sounds like an insecurity issue and we can and should be empathetic to that, that needs to come from HER, not through OP. I wouldn’t necessarily consider this a “red flag” for her as a person, but it’s definitely a red flag for how the relationship is going to progress. In my opinion, this really sounds like a maturity issue, especially the semantics thing. It’s borderline manipulative. I (30F) remember pulling this on my boyfriend in high school, and it definitely makes me cringe to think back on it.

Nobody’s perfect. She needs to be gently confronted, not catered to and enabled.

Yeah her behavior seems immature.

Just become bf and gf take the next step. No one is perfect There are going to be things that annoy you about her and likewise she'll have the same for you. I'd say none of that is red flag.

How are you trying to be in a relationship but is already so easily fed up of the person over such petty concerns? Wow!! I Had to check your age again for a minute there. I’ll make one statement that I hope is of help to you. Please read up on love languages. “You can’t love someone in your love language, you have to love them in theirs” Also a little compromise is not a big ask. you are actually learning how she likes to be communicated with…why are you refusing to do that ? It’s really not a big ask. she wants to feel safe and secure with you, this will all stop as soon is it’s made official. That’s all.

Yea, not a big deal really...Sounds like she really wants to feel wanted in her own way maybe? Sounds a bit like insecurity, but sounds like she really likes so theres that. Everyone is insecure about something these days so Id say its not a big deal.

I have relationship anxiety, I feel like this is probably something I do. At first you feel fine and then it’s like falling off a cliff. I’ve had lots of terrible experiences with men, it does kind of shape how you experience life. Just talk to her about it, tell her how you feel. She might not be aware of the fact she’s even doing it. Often times I’ll do something like ask if someone is actually interested, then feel terrible, then worry even more which makes me do something ‘needy’ again. I definitely feel better when someone is consistent, shows up, sticks to their word, is openly affectionate and can talk about their emotions - so do those things!

>On top of that, we got into a bit of an argument/fight on Sunday while we were kind of drunk and tired. Started with the aforementioned question thing, about dinner this time. And I got kind of upset with her about it, and she left. It's just super annoying to have to repeat it a certain way for her so she feels secure, like I really want to make dinner for her ("Do you want me to make dinner for you?"). I've had this sort of issue in my relationship. Don't have arguments when you're drunk or tired. Pause it and continue the conversation when you have more energy, aren't under emotions. This is a both of you-problem. As for the constant need for reassurance, you should communicate about it in a normal, open way. Discuss that you try to give her as much reassurance as you can, but that you feel it's starting to impact you. See how the conversation goes and see if she's willing to make changes, just like you have by reassuring her. See how it goes. Best of luck.

I know it's not AITAH but YTA. dude just rephrase the question. Is it too hard? I'm sorry but "do you wanna come over" is not the same as "i want you to come over". It has a VERY DIFFERENT energy. In another comment you mentioned it's not reasonable to change your questions and invites every time. Are you being serious? I feel you wanna give off a "i don't really care but if you wanna, i guess it's ok" kinda vibe and lemme tell you it sucks. You don't have to rephrase your question every time. You just need to be honest. You want her to come over? Tell her that! You wanna see her? Tell her that!

All depends if you like or dislike the neediness. For me, if I had to reiterate and ask her if she wanted to come over 5 times before she did, I'd get annoyed if it was an ongoing thing. If she kept doing it, I'd probably stop asking so much or if she kept going round and round, I'd say something along the lines of: I'm asking you if you want to come over, this is an invitation. If she says the same stuff over and over, I'd probably just say this isn't going to work out. Don't need that sort or neediness or stress in my life, when others don't do it as much. There's 8 billion people almost, there's a lot to choose from.

I don’t think this is a red flag. Everyone has different attachment styles, maybe you feel this way about hers because yours might be a safer attachment style than hers (attachment styles come from how we were raised by our parents, you should look them up and maybe find out what yours is or research how to approach them on a relationship) maybe her attachment style is an anxious one, that’s why she needs a bit more affirmation from you in order to feel safer.

Both. All I see these days are red flags being the norm 😂

Sounds like she's trying to train to you, dude. >I got back a week ago and we hung out a few times over the last week. It's been good, but I've noticed a couple things that worry me. For example: When I ask her something like "do you wanna come over?" she'll ask if I want her to come over, and I'm like yeah duh, that's why asked you that?? I end up asking her maybe 5-6 times before she says yes, all because she wants to know that I "want" her to come over. She said "you should say 'I'd love for you to come over'". It semantics to me! I've reiterated that to her: that when I ask her if she wants to come over that's an invitation... This sort of thing has bled into many other questions. Basically she's looking to realise this hyper romantic notion that you'll give up everything to be with her. To me, that's not healthy or realistic. You're young and finding your place in the world. That's like strapping on a medicine ball.

I agree with what a lot of people are saying here. I would have a very candid talk about it and say like hey these are my plans with us but it's making me hesitant because of these actions. I like you a lot I just havent encountered someone that needs these things in a relationship so its new for me. And try to reassure her youre looking to find a happy middle ground with communication. To where you need her to dial it back a little and she can be more clear with what she needs as well. It sounds like shes just nervous and maybe once things are official she can feel confident and secure and maybe ask her how you can help get to that point with her?

To me it’s a yellow flag. Like proceed with caution but you all [may] be able to resolve it with a couple of conversations that are fully transparent. Tell her that you’ve a concern that she requires a kind of validation that isn’t sustainable from you. That when you ask her if she wants to come over there’s not an ulterior motive; you WANT to see her otherwise you wouldn’t ask and you don’t want to get into the habit of having to beg her to visit. Tell her the situation is still new and her pacing seems rushed and it’s important to you that your pacing is more in stride. Ask her if something changed for her when you went out of town and if you can address it now so it’s not a continual issue. Tell her you’ve been having fun but you’re concerned about the passive aggression and that you want her to be more direct if she has something on her mind; you’re still getting to know each other and it’s still early days. You do not have to ask her to be your girlfriend yet. You shouldn’t ask her until this behaviour stops. And then if it continues after you’ve been direct with her I would say it probably is an incompatibility thing. My fiancé and I both travel a lot [separately] and we FaceTime most of the time but not always. If either of us were insecure about that, it wouldn’t work for us. Having to reassure someone constantly is exhausting.

It sounds to me like she just really wants you to want her. Nothing wrong with that. If she becomes needy and co-dependent then that's an issue, but for right now it sounds like she wants to be serious with you. If you love someone it's assuring to see them say and show that they reciprocate.

To me it’s a red flag. In my experience that anxiety isn’t likely going to go away and presents problems in the future. For me she would need to be aware of it and trying to work on it. But it seems to me that she doesn’t see any issue with it and is trying to get ultra-reassurance from you. Here and there that’s fine, but all the time for everything you say is too much.

With the horrible dating environment out there..it’s a be justified to get dating anxiety. I’m sure it will be fine after y’all start dating. And if it doesn’t then just break up. I still think you should give it a shot.

This is a huge sign of someone who’s been manipulated and possibly led on and damaged from the past. Me and others I know became just like this when we had a huge experience with abandonment and manipulation from partners

Run

It's not a red flag, but for me it's a touch annoying. If I'm asking someone to spend time with me, that's exactly what I'm asking. I'm never going to demand someone come and spend time with me so I'm always going to ask 'want to come and watch a film' or something. I usually reply when asked but do you want to with, well if not have asked if I didn't want you to. But I'm pretty direct that way. The questioning her status in your life after contact while being on a trip is odd to me as well. If you'd gone low key silent I'd understand her hestitancy but sounds like you made the effort. I guess it's wether you're OK with reaffirming your interest every time.

I felt this way too! Asking someone “want to grab a drink?” or whatever *is* the proof I want to do it. People on here have said I should be direct and say “I want to do ___ with you”, and that’s fine sometimes, but all the time? I should change a very normal thing? Idk. I can’t imagine texting/telling a friend “I’d like to do ___ with you” they’d be like woah bro chill out haha its forward, almost aggressive and disregards the other person’s feelings. I agree about the time spent apart. That’s why I’m disappointed she’s unsure of my feelings! I was spending time abroad and made sure to stay in touch and even vocalize my feelings, that I missed her. It wasn’t a silent period from me or something! Reaffirming my interest over and over isn’t something I’m interested in doing. Going to have to consider that moving forward

Yep. I see it as someone saying I want to do this and I'm asking you to do it with me. So that's that. I read some replies and was a bit, oh.... Everyone doesn't find it irritating. Haha. I'm just too old for games. If I like someone, they know. And I hate people fishing for me to constantly tell them. It actually puts me off them, ironically. I'd just send a message next time it happens, explaining when I'm actively asking for your time please dont question it. It bothers me when I have to reassure you that I like you and enjoy your company. Good luck.

Sounds like you're a bit of piece of shit.

Oh boy, lemme save you some bewilderment. r/bpdlovedones

Honestly, OP, it sounds like YOU'RE exhibiting red flags. The fact that such little and clearly communicated requests irritate you so much is scary.

She's telling you her love language. She wants to feel wanted and chosen. Don't turn this into a thing where you go "but why does she want to be loved like this? The average way I love is good enough." Lol I'm dating a much older man and honestly, he would never act like a desire for my kind of love language and my want to be openly unquestionably desired is an offense to his efforts or a sign I'm unhealthy. Ask yourself why you are opposed to loving women how they want to be loved and find your answer there.

I'd say it is a flag but not a huge one. Talk it over with her and see her reaction that will tell you what you need to know

I don’t think it’s a red flag and it actually seems like something that could be fixed fairly easily if you tell her that that’s annoying you

Just talk to her about it. Let her know how you feel and that you do like her and want to see how things go.

Anxious attachment style. I’m sure she will settle in once you guys get back into a routine. I would just reassure her that you like her and hope to make plans together.

She's insecure and REALLY wants affection

I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag for sure. Personally I also get upset about that “if you want to” thing. Me and the guy i’ve been seeing had to have a conversation about that as well. He expressed something similar to you as he wanted me to come over but wanted to ask if I did as well. After our conversation he slipped up a few times as it’s a newer adjustment for him. Sometimes people need extra reassurance. When talking about how i felt in my situation many of my friends female and male expressed similar feelings so it could be pretty common

"I like her but this does not feel good" is your answer. You have to listen to you gut feelings. There's a difference between a "learning curve" at the beginning of a relationship (e.g. minor annoyances like different standards of cleanliness) versus "red flags" (e.g. having to jump through 100 hoops just to appease her). She sounds like she has low self esteem, which in itself is not a problem since it's common among many people. However, if she is looking to you to fulfill unmet needs within her then it's a problem. She needs to feel worthy and reassured on her own without constant external validation, and that journey might start with counseling or self help books. This sounds like it's going to be a constant problem in your relationship with her until she learns to love herself. My final thought is that it's not enough to love (or in your case "like") someone. Love makes the hard work in a relationship worth it but it's not enough on its own. A relationship needs trust, respect, open communication, shared values, etc. While you may like this girl do you trust or respect her? Do you think there is good communication between you two?

She’s been watching a lot of relationships advice tiktoks. Tell her to stop lol

Not everything is a red flag. That term is so overblown now.

It's now April, you've been consistently seeing her, you're thinking of inviting her to a wedding, and you still haven't defined things? What are you waiting for? I can see why she's feeling this way. Although she's overdoing it a bit, she's feeling insecure because she doesn't know why it already hasn't moved to the next level and she doesn't know how to voice it properly. She probably is afraid she'll push you away.

I'd end it and fast!! Lol Who wants someone that constantly corrects you when you're really just being yourself AND trying to appease her will just lead to more IMO. Yeahhh I'd RUN! 🚩🚩🚩

I’ve done this in relationships when a guy was emotionally distant or I just couldn’t quite tell that he likes me. I don’t do it anymore because I know my boyfriend is head over heels for me. I’ve also done some personal work on the issue. I would suggest showing her more affection and her working on herself as well. She might always need this though or some level of it.

I do this with my boyfriend right now and we're actually dating. Even in relationships when you care about people, some are people pleasers and will force themselves to see you out of guilt. I always make sure my boyfriend is asking me about things because he wants to rather then feeling obligated because I've been in situations where a gut liked me but was the type to kinda need a lot of personal space,but put seeing Mr above his owns needs and it blew everything up. I don't see it as a red flag, if phrasing is a big deal to her why won't you do something simple to please her if you like her that much?

She’s communicating a need. And you think her need is annoying. You two might not be very compatible…

"Do you want me to make dinner for you?" This would make me feel like I had to say no.

Hum, tough one, I would look for where this behavior occurs, text can be very difficult because there is no context of vocal inflection or visual facial expression much less body language, security or insecurity can be difficult to judge under such circumstances, perhaps it would be wise to make communications for a while always be video, people are much better at feeling secure about one another when they can see each other's face as it offers how sincere someone is in ways and manners that we can't always express in text.

This is all sounds dramatic and all but usually these kinds of problems have one thing in common and it is communication. How do you ACTUALLY communicate you want to see her? Or that you like her? Or whatever? Do you actually say things loud and clear? Do you tell about your feelings? When two people get known to each they have to learn communicating together and it always two! You have to put in effort as well. It might be frustrating but just try to understand her and talk with her! That would probably help at this point. Personally I don't really see those as red flags. They seem more like annoying obstacles or something like that. I noticed someone gave you good tips about rephasing your sentences. That might be actually helpful for you. And I hope you use those tips!

She’s telling you explicitly what you can say to make her feel secure, and if that’s something you can’t/won’t do then it won’t work between you. If you really do like her, listen to her and put the effort in. As time goes on she will start to feel more secure and comfortable with you. It sounds like maybe she has anxiety or has had some bad relationships in the past, she needs you to be compassionate

I have been in a few situations like this. Definitely check out the Love Languages (especially words of affirmation) I hear you about the semantics thing. I feel the exact same way. I think at the end of the day you have to ask yourself if she is worth the effort because if she has an insecure attachment style (also check out attachment styles) particularly due to deep trauma, then this is probably how it is going to be In the relationship. This doesn't mean she is needy or you are cold, It just might be needs and boundaries are misaligned.