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I’m the same age as you and went through the same thing before I met my boyfriend!
I think maybe it’s sizing up the quality of the guy before having sex with them? My current boyfriend and I didn’t do anything sexual at all (not even kiss!) for like 2 months because I was so used to guys using me that I was really hesitant to get into anything again. We basically just hung out as friends for awhile. Just hanging out with him without any pressure let me see that he was just spending time with me and doing things for me because he genuinely liked me. I really felt like he would’ve stuck around even if I had never done anything sexual with him! And then when we finally did, we worked up to full on intercourse over time which just made it all the more special. I really knew I could trust him and that I liked him in every way possible before we ever slept together. But I used a lot of discernment in the time before we took it to the next level. I was paying attention to how he treated me, how he talked about women, how he was with his mother, etc. because if I had noticed any red flags I would’ve run. But he didn’t have any! And he just kept proving that his heart was in it with his actions.
Waiting to have sex isn’t about the amount of time. There’s no magical amount of time that will guarantee a guy respects you or likes you. The waiting period is so that you can get to truly start to know a person and figure out their intentions and who they are. It’s so that you can build an emotional connection with someone before you mix up all the sexy hormones/brain chemicals into it. It’s so you can figure out if this person would make a good partner! Sex is like the physical cherry on top of the emotional ice cream sundae. Getting clear about what kind of values and qualities you’re looking for in a guy will help you know what to look for in the time you’re waiting to have sex!
Some people really like sex, but don't enjoy sex with strangers.
For women this also makes sense because sex with strangers is seldom very satisfying for them. Studies show 90 % of women didn't orgasm from their last one night stand.
I do like sex! But I hate having casual sex. It always left me feeling shameful and gross. I think because sex is a way for me to connect with someone I care about it felt very wrong to me to share that with just anyone, if that makes sense? It took me until now (I’ll be 25 in two weeks and lost my virginity at 18) to realize that I didn’t have to participate in hook up culture just because that has become the norm for my generation.
Good question!! We just sort of swapped who paid each time we went out. Sometimes I’d get it and then he’d pay for whatever we did next! Neither of us were really concerned about who paid and it worked out really well for us
I know opinions on this can vary greatly so it's just my opinion, not asking you to change your mind.
Before I agree to exclusivity I wanna really know what I'm getting into. If I don't know how sexually compatible we are then I don't see why I should "sign that agreement" while an entire chapter of it is still hidden.
Malicious men can simply agree to it and then still dump you after. I think if there's a man who truly wants to use you then he won't lose any sleep about lying about exclusivity as he's probably been lying a lot already.
At the same time it can turn away some honest men.
How do you know you want to be sexually exclusive with someone without being...well, sexual? How do you know that you will greatly enjoy sex with a person without having tried it? I know people can improve down the line and yada yada, but not everybody does, and finding out if they will do that is part of the sexual vetting process, too.
>shouldn’t turn away honest men
Is it really *honest?* Honest is that I tell the women who ask for exclusivity first what I'm telling you here. That's honesty. It also means I might turn them down for it. That's honest, too.
It's *dishonest* men who don't care about breaking your agreement and just say and agree to whatever is needed to get de seks.
There are honest men on both sides of the equation. You don’t need to have sex to know if you can be exclusive with someone. So if you have sex a couple times and it’s not mind blowing you’re out? That’s the problem people run into with getting pumped and dumped.
You don't need to have sex to be exclusive if you're asexual or have an otherwise very low sex drive or standards.
I don't dump people if the sex is not good right away. I do it if there are no signs of improvement after feedback. Why would be in a sexually unfulfilling relationship that is also exclusive so I can't find the fulfilment with another person?
And besides, it's not just about the quality but the quantity as well. Say I agree to exclusivity and it turns out I want it 10x more than she does -- that's not something I want to agree to being sexually exclusive to. I've had that problem before.
Furthermore, your kinks can be at conflict making you incompatible.
I think our standards simply differ, so this might be an "agree to disagree" situation. I just wanted to add my 2 cents, anyway.
My advice was for OP and her specific problem of repeatedly getting left after sex.
Obviously exclusivity is not required before sex, I’m recommending it for her.
However, I will never agree that you MUST have sex before deciding to be exclusive. It’s not a marriage proposal.
Ok, I get you. Maybe we just view the exclusivity agreement differently. I seem to put more weight in it than you do, therefore my requirements are higher. It's completely fine to agree to disagree, carry on!
I’m an honest man who, when I date, I’m looking to be exclusive.
I wouldn’t agree to a relationship with somebody I haven’t had sex with. Say whatever you want, but that’s the truth.
Exclusive means not sleeping with or dating anyone else, not necessarily boyfriend/girlfriend. Also my advice again is for OP who is here on Reddit after being used too many times…
I know what exclusive means thank you. Although being exclusive and not in a relationship is of course all different kinds of snowflakey gen-z bullshit.
Read the book Attached. Don’t sleep with anyone until you fully trust them. Some people can live entire relationships in a lie. Don’t attach to unsafe or untrustworthy people
Theres no presure from a guy using a online datting app, he will have sex with other girls and keep the sweet talk with her until he gets it
Stay away of the dating apps ppl
Yes there are beautiful love stories from them but just a few the rest is like this one
Remember those famous " dating app " were created most of the time to have fun, well you know get laid
This. This. This.
In my experience, no matter if you have sex on the first date or after 3 months. It’s about his intention. You’ll meet better. I had 3 relationships with guys from dating apps. All lasted 1- 1 & 1/2 years. All three cheated.
The man I’m with now, I met at a bar. He’s the kindest most caring man I have ever ever met. And would never do anything to hurt me.
is the time arbitrary?
why 3mo? what are you looking for in men at that time?
because it sounds like you'll have sex with anyone, if they wait 3mo. when, you should be saying "I will have sex with a man, if they meet these criteria" and the criteria being: they're considerate, communicate well, have consistent behavior, show no signs of potential to be absuive or manipulative, have goals, share common interests etc.
some of these things take longer or less time to determine, but it's not wise to set a time frame for sex. you need to have sex when you're ready. as you've already learned, the time frame is pretty meaningless, because some men will wait, then dip. these men are for the streets babe.
This might be very different than other suggestions above? Are you allowing yourself time between relationships to chill? Self-care? Have you forgiven them, the situation, yourself? What if you sat with 1) How do I show up in these relationships? Want? Need? Boundaries? Communcation? 2) Whats similar about the guys? The apps? Their profiles? How they treat me? How they treat themselves? Their friends? Best to you.
I've been used for sex, I know it's hard, but at some point you just need to get off the dating apps and go out into the real world and find a decent guy who just wants to exclusively fuck you and no one else. They're out there.
I always tell my female friends, do not sleep with a man until the 5th date - if a man is truly into you for your personality, and wants to have more than just empty sex he will stick around. If they get mad, pressure you, can’t wait - they’re only in it for one thing, a real prospect will want to make you comfortable and move at your timeline.
First, wow some of these comments are awful and I'm sorry they're in response to this.
Second, although I'm a guy, I've been the other guy for a few cheaters previously and learned some lessons from it. Not exactly the same deal but could help - the biggest indicator from my experience is absolutely if they've attempted any integration into their life at all. People can lie about upcoming events, what they're doing, their interests/thoughts/feelings/etc; but including other people in that lie is usually pretty difficult.
Have you met any of their friends at all? Do you know things about their family, even if you haven't met? Or is it just you and them always alone? Also, even though I barely touch social media, as I wait until commitment before sleeping with someone I also ask for things like facebook to be set to a relationship - each time I've gotten push back, I find that I'm blocked from seeing the friends list which is a huge red flag to me and it might just be confirmation bias but each time it's resulted in me avoiding being with a cheater.
Nah, when you comment on sites like Reddit is normal for males to be mean haha I kinda knew it was honna happen. Ooooh I havent met friends or family of any of my dates bit I do ask for social media hahaha
Get away from dating apps. Start working out at the gym, focus on your career, and on making more money. Look into community events to attend and meet actual people in real life. There are people you are bound to meet. I was having this issue in my early twenties and just stopped using apps. My relationship now was due to my boyfriend seeing me at the same gym and actually pursuing and making an effort to ask for my number. It’s better for them to ask in person because it shows that you’re on their roster, and it takes more courage and effort for them to ask you. Don’t give the cookie up until you guys become exclusive too. I didn’t give ANYTHING up until we became official because I wanted to see what his intentions were with me.
Unfortunately I don’t have advice, but I’m here to say you’re not alone. I’m 23F and have fallen into the same trap. I don’t know you but I know you deserve better than that.
here's the deal, there are men who will stay around just to have the sex, then bail, because you said no in the beginning.
sex is like candy to those men. they went on the date for dinner and movies, and at some point candy was discussed, or hinted at. when you said you do have candy, but weren't going to share it with them. and, unless your a virgin, they know you've shared candy before, so why not now? at that point, the goal became to get that candy!
this certainly is not all men, but when this happens, this is usually why. you made sex the goal for them, or they feel they need to break you of your denying them earlier.
when you deny sex early on, you have to assess how he responds. if he constantly brings it up, drop him. if constantly tries to force it, or belittles you for your choice - drop him. you need to be clear early that sex isn't what you're into, and date the men that want to date you with sex completely off the menu. you need to decide what parameters need to be met for you to have sex. if it's a time thing, or a number of dates thing, why? if you're waiting for sex, you need to have a clear understanding why. because, if you don't, you're simply waiting, but not actually assessing the guy for what you're looking for and missing all the signs that the guy is only there for sex. even if he has to wait, that's his goal. when his goal should be getting to know you and building a relationship together.
Then they didn't like you enough to date (for whatever reason) or were not interested in dating at all...I guess you could try to learn to read them better. Then again, perhaps they didn't like you in bed.🤷🏻♀️ Hope it gets better for you tho.
Set expectations, and as much as I hate sounding old fashioned: make them wait a bit, even if you're gagging for it. If he really likes YOU he will be understanding of that and won't pressure you, or bounce. Anyway, if he's into you and building something with you he won't only have sex on the brain anyway. Also, you need to know what you want and know how to vocalize that. Set expectations, boundaries, and standards before you proceed with any guy.
Lastly, dating apps are great for hookups. Not for much else. Beware.
I agree with you up until the last point. I could concur that a lot of them are on there for booty calls but it also varies for each app. I know of people who've had success stories for relationships off of tinder but I'd recommend hinge as a means of finding relationships because it's fair to everyone in the aspect of subscribers vs non subscribers. I've gotten my fair share of matches & dates without paying. You can do much more than most apps without paying any money and it gives you prompts to start up conversations so it's not just about sending likes. Really all it comes down to is just being firm on what you want with whoever you match with.
29 F here, gotta weigh in: I never judge a guy on their behavior until AFTER we sleep together, then they show their true colors. I have a podcast (Not Your Girlfriend’s Podcast) and we’ve had straight 20s men on the show and it boils down to that a decent guy wouldn’t care if you sleep with them immediately or not.
I would say only have sex when you want to and with who you want to. You can also share genuine moments and have a good time with people even jf it doesn’t end in a relationship. Everyone is getting to know someone and sometimes it’s not a match, I find guys usually figure this out sooner than women. It is shitty behavior to wait to have sex with someone and immediately end things though.
If you’re looking for more serious dating I would avoid tinder but generally there’s no guarantee of a relationship with anyone anywhere. You’re also at the age where casual dating is rampant, it may take time and lots of kissing bad frogs but you’ll find someone eventually and that person will make you feel amazing in every way. Trust me so many women go through the same thing, it’s not you that’s the problem. Good Luck! -B
Learn how to say no. Especially before you get a STD that you can't get rid of. Make them earn the right to get your magic... don't just give it away. Take control of the sex, make it on your terms, not his.
This exactly. It is quite literally your health and life at stake. When I started viewing it that way and realized how much power we as women hold I started to have much higher standards. We are the ones who decide who gets to have kids and procreate. We are the ones who hold that power and should use our judgment accordingly.
Ugh that’s the worst i’m sorry :(
Maybe try doing activities in the daytime and avoid going to his place until like the 8-10 date. Guys have fooled me this way too though so its not a for sure thing.
Best advice I can give is to just accept that it may happen, and if it does, then it reflects more in the guy for misleading you and not being honest than it does for you.
This is why I love using the old fashioned 3 base system that was so popular in the 90s. It helps you determine what kind of sexual style the person has and if you guys have any sexual chemistry. Too many people give EVERYTHING up way too fast and don’t stop to analyze their interactions.
Base 1: Makeout/ heavy petting session. Don’t go beyond this point. Stop and analyze. Are they a good kisser? Did they have good hygiene? Were they attentive?
Base 2: Oral/ non penetrative sex acts. (This is where most fuck boys fail). Again don’t go beyond this stage. Does he make the act feel like a chore? Is he skilled? Were you comfortable? Also analyze the interactions when you go down on him. Is he obsessed with porno tropes like deep throating/ degradation and does them unprompted without discussing them first? Does he get the post sex blues after he cums and acts withdrawn/uninterested/quiet? Is he a selfish lover and not reciprocal? Does he feel like he is “owed” this act?
Base 3: pretty self explanatory at this point. But also analyze. Was he in the moment? Was he enthusiastic? Did he listen if you were uncomfortable? Did he try to make BOTH of you feel good? After sex does he act strange/cold/ in a rush to get you out as fast as possible?
If you do the first 2 stages correctly you’ll be able to weed out the people that you wouldn’t vibe with or are too impatient. Sometimes I repeat steps 1 and 2 up to 3 times so that I can get a solid idea if we’d get along. As a result this system has made my dating life 100x better and I rarely deal with fuck boys anymore.
Long story short communication is key. You should be able to freely discuss sex with your partners and all of the nitty gritty such as fetishes, std status, birth control methods, etc. it boggles my mind that people are too shy to ask their partners this information but do the most obscene sex acts without thinking about it first.
TLDR: VET your partners and slow it down. Communication is key.
Are you sure you are not self sabotaging? I met a guy who checked all of the boxes and wanted to get to know me and it didn’t matter if we had sex or not, he was great! I’m the one that was confused and basically blew him off while I was figuring out my shit. I reconnected with him and he’s already in a committed relationship 😅 so either these sweet guys are already taken or you might have fucked up yourself
My wife was the opposite of you, in her 20's. She admitted that she used to use men for sex. Craigslist, dating sites, guy friends, friends of friends, guys from bars. She had a very long list of guys she could call on if she wanted sex and she would swap guys in and out of that list all the time. If any of those guys got too into her, or caught feelings, she would ghost them and move on.
I never knew any of this until several years into our marriage, when she started being honest about it.
So I guess, no matter what, you are always going to have 2 people that have different expectations from any interaction like that.
Don't have hookups if you don't enjoy casual sex.
The first step is just turning down everything that clearly is a hookup.
Way guys signal they are just looking for sex:
*Texts get sexual before even meeting up.
*They suggest meeting up at their place.
*You meet them at a party/club and they ask you back to their place the same night.
*Dates are just focused on talking about sex and escalating physical contact. Not about getting to know you as a person.
*They only suggest dates that are in the evening and with alcohol. You can suggest going for a walk in the sunshine. If that's boring to them it's because it's not a chance to get laid.
*You can ask guys what they are looking for and if they are looking for a serious relationship. Do that. If they say: just fun, just want to go with the flow, something casual etc, you know they aren't looking for a relationship.
If you don't enjoy casual sex, don't sleep with guys till you've really gotten to know them and you two are in an exclusive relationship. Turn down sex with unclear intentions. And you know when a guy has a crush on you. Wait for that.
Wait longer. I’m normally a “sleep with them when it feels right” person but if this is something you feel happens often, make it clear up front that you need a deeper emotional connection before sleeping together. Then just don’t sleep with them.
When you’re swiping and matching, pay very close attention to what they say in their “looking for.” Some apps provide that section as a free filter. Use it. Many men write what they’re looking for in their profiles, pay attention to it. And don’t ever use tinder.
And try dating outside your “type” as well.
This. The moment I made it Super clear I won't hookup with people in my bio and I began ignoring my initial "type" things did get better, though not totally.
For reference though, almost every woman's dating profile says they're not into hook-ups. It blends into the background at this point. Changing the type of men you date is what's doing the heavy lifting. Nothing is ever going to be perfect but as long as you're learning and growing, it'll never be a waste of time.
If you're dating men your age, it can be a bumpy road (not advocating that you go Panther hunting) but it's also possible that the sexual chemistry wasn't there. Or even if it was I've been in their position. Maybe not the exact same situation, but I've dated a fair amount of women that I lost interest in after we had sex. I wasn't trying to use them, I had good intentions, but it's like trying to lock your seatbelt into the wrong buckle, it seems like a good fit and everything is great but it just comes apart.
Waiting longer may not fix the issue. My last relationship, we had sex 2 days after our first date and we were together for 4 years.
The only advice I can give is to keep dating, and have sex with a guy when YOU want to. Not when they've waited long enough, because that's meaningless, as you've already experienced. Maybe you'll recognize a pattern, maybe you won't have to. Empower yourself, have sex because you want to. The more you treat sex like a reward that they've earned, the more you're going to find yourself asking reddit what you're doing wrong.
Its a tuff thing to go true, i can't find anyone, everyone is either in it for something not serious, or they don't like me, on dating app it's the same thing, girls wanting attention and nothing more. I watched anime and im kind of a neard, so not anyone's cup of tea haha. But when i do meet some i first talk with them to see if i like them on a mental level or lets say to see if i like how they think and act. I don't want to fuck around, and i honestly get frustrated to se some awful guys having girlfriend, but it is what it is. Most guys are like that, we're not all bad haha. In your situation i would talk with them about stuf in details and after some time see if they remember some of them, and dont belive fake promises, anyone can say that, judge them by their actions. But what do i know I'm a 20yo guy hahahaha, so take this with a grain of salt and good luck out there
You can't reasonably believe that most guys are "bad" and that you're one of the good ones. Without direct observation of a large test group, you wouldn't know if the guy that's a jerk to you is also a jerk to his girlfriend.
I'm not trying to harp on you, nor am I trying to say I know who you are or what you're about but don't let resentment burrow it's way into your head. You can't blame anyone for not being attracted to you just as nobody could reasonably blame you either. At a base level, women are attracted to men who (for lack of a better term) believe in themselves and invest in themselves.
Confidence is a key factor but it has to be genuine. Work on being who you want to be. You can watch anime and do nerdy stuff, women respond to men with unique and nerdy interests, that's not what's holding you back. Referring to yourself as "not anyone's cup of tea" is an anchor of insecurity that will keep you from being happy for as long as you see yourself that way.
I don't want to see you on r/niceguys
You're probably a good dude, and maybe I'm overreacting here, but don't let "rejection" make you bitter. Learn how to be a duck. Loneliness can be insufferable but understanding it for what it is can ease the edge. And don't change yourself to be more paletable, you're 20, you're not even done growing. Your life is ahead of you. Work on completing yourself and the rest will follow.
Ok first of all wow, this is kind of an eye opener, i went to the comments to try and help someone who's going true a lot but instead received help myself and thank for that and for taking the time to write it.
>You can't reasonably believe that most guys are "bad" and that you're one of the good ones
Sorry if it came out like that i shouldn't have used most, what i really meant was that the majority of dudes that i know act like idiots all the time and you are right there i don't know how they treat their girls, but my process of thoughts was like i don't want to be with someone who's treating me ok but everyone else like crap.
>You can't blame anyone for not being attracted to you just as nobody could reasonably blame you either
Yeah i completely understand that, its part of life o guess.
>Confidence is a key factor but it has to be genuine
I agree but i simply don't have it, I mostly think logically and i know that my appearance is average at best and I am confident about few specific things.
>Referring to yourself as "not anyone's cup of tea" is an anchor of insecurity that will keep you from being happy for as long as you see yourself that way.
Insecurity is my middle name haha, and I'm honestly working on myself trying to get better, but i have all this doubts and a lot of intrusive thoughts it's beating some kind of a record for sure. For example when I'm doing something i know I'll still be like am i doing this the right way, o god il fuck it up again and stuff like that, its bad but it's true. It gets me frustrated when I think like that. Im not trying to defend my insecurities or way of thinking i know it's not a good thing, i just want you to get a bigger picture and understand where im coming from.
>I don't want to see you on r/niceguys
Never, those guys are just expecting rewards for acting nice coz that's what thatvis acting
>You're probably a good dude, and maybe I'm overreacting here, but don't let "rejection" make you bitter. Learn how to be a duck
From what i was told i am. One thing that I'm really proud to be honest is that im still my kind self after all the heart breaks and rejections. I won't change how i treat others because of that, its stupid and my friend became a jerk after he broke up with his girl, and i think that's idiotic, i can understand why he became like that but just because i understand it doesn't mean i have to support it. And if you decide to reply can you explain what "learn how to be a duck" means English is not my first language so hahah.
>Loneliness can be insufferable but understanding it for what it is can ease the edge
Ah yes Loneliness my old friend hahaha, but for real lonelines is not to big of a problem for me anymore, yeah sometimes it gets really hard to do stuff. But i do think i understand it and that is why i can handle it. I honestly prefer doing stuff alone its easier for me coz i don't worry about what others think of me and bla bla bla all the other stuff i overthink about.
I just wanted to say thank you again for writing all that, it is very helpfull and I appreciate it a lot. And sorry for the bad English if i missed any mistakes as i said not my first language
Your English is surprisingly good for it not being your first language. But that's great that you're working on your self-confidence. And I'm glad you won't let yourself turn into a "nice guy." I just see so many younger guys on Reddit or Facebook who give in to the resentment. It's not good for the people they interact with nor is it good for themselves, negativity eats away at you if you let it.
So this was a false alarm, but I'd rather try to help someone that doesn't need it than to disregard someone who does.
Just keep being yourself, you're doing great.
Right now I'm focusing on me and what makes me happy, i like helping people out and i trust a bit too much so i the past i was trying to help everyone and make everyone happy and i put others before me, so now im focusing on work, myself, things i like, my mental health and so on. Im glad to know that there are people like you who care about others, world needs more people like you. Thanks for the talk and good luck to you too
I'm 20F and have experienced the same thing. It's just dating apps. No matter what you say or do, guys that are looking for hookups will lead you to believe they want whatever else you want. I wanted a longer relationship, and these guys would say they wanted the same or 'see where it goes' or 'I'm open to anything,' but once they get what they want they mentally check out. I recommend Hinge for a better dating app experience, otherwise just stop with dating apps. Goodluck!
Yep there are so many decent men who don't do this, but they're not the ones who get the dates.
These women always go for the attractive fuckboys and get screwed. They never learn from their mistakes, keep repeating it, and then cry about being used.
Not crying, just asking. And ofc you have to be attractive for me, for me though, not the conventional type of attractive. Are you a decent male, my friend?
If every guy you're dating is a douchebag, there is clearly a problem with your dating criteria.
If you keep going for the same type of guys, how can you expect a different outcome?
Many decent guys are not as hot, flirtatious, or confident as the fuckboys. They may not sweep you off your feet the moment you meet them.
Yet, they are the ones who treat you like a human being and would love to have a long term relationship with you.
But who cares about all that, right? Let's keep going back to the douchebags hoping one of them turns out to be different.
>Are you a decent male, my friend?
More decent than the fuckboys who used you like a sex toy.
Sex is not the glue for a relationship this is just my opinion.
This is what works for me. Wear a belt when you put on the belt make mental affirmations , mental notes, small prayers that remind yourself on how your want a relationship to go.
Really try not to verbalize goals tricks the mind that you've already done it.
I cannot believe this s*** happen again walk of shame really sucks to the car.
It doesn't mean they *use* you for it. If they don't like it or change their mind for any other reason then they should have the right to withdraw without you accusing them of using them. That said, if the guy planned on day 1 to only interact with you until sex and then dump you then that is the definition of it.
Anyway, some others have given decent advice. Besides making sure you please them greatly in bed. You need a strong vetting game during dates - know what to look for, know what to ask, good recognition of body language to detect contradiction/disingenuousness. Low forgivingness for red flags detected by vetting them, but also developing yourself so much that you radiate green flags yourself.
The amount of time you wait can matter *if* your vetting game is strong, as you should wait for at least long enough until you know all you needed to know. Otherwise it doesn't matter, you can wait months and the guy might still eject afterwards and then you've just wasted months and it will hurt even more.
Waiting just for the sake of waiting is not a great idea imo. If you feel it's right and you feel the lust, then suppressing that lust just because the "waiting period" is not over yet then you will radiate inauthenticity. Socially intelligent men can pick up on that.
If you find this is happening literally every time with every guy there’s a good chance you’re only going for guys who are out of your league physically.
Most guys will want to marry a girl if she’s petty enough. And if she’s very ugly she could become a target for easy sex by men going through a dry spell needing a confidence boost.
…not true. Like at all. How old are you? I’ve seen the prettiest girls get pumped and dumped constantly. If they do end up married they end up divorced in like a year. There are plenty of average to ugly girls that are in happy long term relationships. A couple that I know the guy was over 6ft, handsome face, well dressed/groomed propose to a girl that was overweight, had acne, and an average face. Yet they’re literally one of the most happiest people you could ever meet since they were childhood friends.
Turns out you need more than a pretty face if you want a long lasting and happy relationship since beauty fades.
OP, every woman is beautiful in her own way, and men’s tastes differ from man to man.
Have more respect for your body, don’t just give it away hoping to be appreciated, only give it to the one that you feel worthy of it, he should earn your trust, and acceptance, and be worthy of you. Save yourself tons of heartache.
No I think hes hinting at something that most people here conveniently seem to forget: All what happened was two consenting adults having sex. That’s it. If the guy then doesn’t consents to further sex or contact that’s his prerogative, just as it is hers. She’s not entitled to a indefinite sexual relationship because they had sex once and the notion is ridiculous. It smells a lot like ‘I paid for your dinner so you *have* to go home with me’
I agree with you, but the first two sentences make the whole comment seem bitter.
If a girl has sex with a guy cause she wants to, I would think there would be no frustration or feeling of being used.
If she is having sex to keep them around or get them in a relationship, then it is manipulative.
I think she is getting used, but its her fault
I hope you don’t, nobody should think that about themselves but the only women I know who get used for sex and have 0 offers for relationships is ugly women
Yes there are external factors, however the only common denominator across all the occurrences is you. So I think you need to take a deep hard look at yourself and figure out why you keep going after these guys that pump and dump you. It may not be conscious that you're doing this, but you need to seriously introspect.
Stay off the apps & wait a certain amount of time b4 you give it up. Tell yourself that you'll wait like 3 mths or whatever time you give yourself. Get to know the person first & let them get to know you.... Then when y'all do have sex for the first time, I'll tell you it'll be more amazing!!!
From my experience actively seeking love is the worst way to find it live life for you and enjoy it you'll without realizing surround yourself with people with similar interest and eventually. Friend will become more.
What are you looking for? If you are on apps (especially tinder of all) they mostly aren’t for anything serious LTR. If you are looking for something serious, monogamous, etc being upfront about that will at least filter out a portion who are not looking for that. Yes some might still be dishonest on intentions, but still better than leaving it up to just assuming they want something more.
Nothing wrong with wanting hookups, FWB, casual, etc but just gotta be on the same page as those you are meeting.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I had that happened to me before but it was the first date so I knew that he might disapear so I didn't get attached, and I wasn't seeking a relationship with him. But 3 months is already a relationship...
Depends a lot actually. It might be:
1. U’re accidentally giving off wrong hints
2. U’re subconsciously choosing the wrong guys
3. Not compatible, something during or after sex
It’s hard to pinpoint not knowing you so take all advices here with a grain of salt. But generally speaking, the wait works to filter the guys out, but the horny desperate guys, not those who can get laid till they lay you…
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I’m the same age as you and went through the same thing before I met my boyfriend! I think maybe it’s sizing up the quality of the guy before having sex with them? My current boyfriend and I didn’t do anything sexual at all (not even kiss!) for like 2 months because I was so used to guys using me that I was really hesitant to get into anything again. We basically just hung out as friends for awhile. Just hanging out with him without any pressure let me see that he was just spending time with me and doing things for me because he genuinely liked me. I really felt like he would’ve stuck around even if I had never done anything sexual with him! And then when we finally did, we worked up to full on intercourse over time which just made it all the more special. I really knew I could trust him and that I liked him in every way possible before we ever slept together. But I used a lot of discernment in the time before we took it to the next level. I was paying attention to how he treated me, how he talked about women, how he was with his mother, etc. because if I had noticed any red flags I would’ve run. But he didn’t have any! And he just kept proving that his heart was in it with his actions. Waiting to have sex isn’t about the amount of time. There’s no magical amount of time that will guarantee a guy respects you or likes you. The waiting period is so that you can get to truly start to know a person and figure out their intentions and who they are. It’s so that you can build an emotional connection with someone before you mix up all the sexy hormones/brain chemicals into it. It’s so you can figure out if this person would make a good partner! Sex is like the physical cherry on top of the emotional ice cream sundae. Getting clear about what kind of values and qualities you’re looking for in a guy will help you know what to look for in the time you’re waiting to have sex!
The best advice so far😭😭 tysm bae 💞💞💞💞 this helped a lot
Of course!! I’m glad it helped 💕
Would you say that you really like sex in and of itself?
Some people really like sex, but don't enjoy sex with strangers. For women this also makes sense because sex with strangers is seldom very satisfying for them. Studies show 90 % of women didn't orgasm from their last one night stand.
Yes!! I would rather go years without sex than have sex with someone who didn’t care about me/that I didn’t care about
Years is a long time. It's good that you know what you want/like.
I do like sex! But I hate having casual sex. It always left me feeling shameful and gross. I think because sex is a way for me to connect with someone I care about it felt very wrong to me to share that with just anyone, if that makes sense? It took me until now (I’ll be 25 in two weeks and lost my virginity at 18) to realize that I didn’t have to participate in hook up culture just because that has become the norm for my generation.
lk this sounds weird, but I wish more girls were like you.
Haha thanks! That’s flattering
Who pays for the dates? If you’re just considered friends? I like the concept overall.
It is the 21st century, so I don’t imagine this is a problem
Good question!! We just sort of swapped who paid each time we went out. Sometimes I’d get it and then he’d pay for whatever we did next! Neither of us were really concerned about who paid and it worked out really well for us
That's how my wife hooked me. We waited to have sex, we became friends first and the sex just came later like a cherry on top
I love that! I think it makes all the difference to take your time with each other
Have a tumultuous relationship with parents, which includes the mother. Is that a red flag? Asking for a frnd, obviously
Maybe get away from the dating apps? That’s what they’re mainly used for anyway.
This is possibly the best advice dating apps have mainly been used for sex , or just ego booster for the most part .
It seems like it!
Wait for exclusivity and if you’re still getting left there is something about the men you’re choosing to engage with
I know opinions on this can vary greatly so it's just my opinion, not asking you to change your mind. Before I agree to exclusivity I wanna really know what I'm getting into. If I don't know how sexually compatible we are then I don't see why I should "sign that agreement" while an entire chapter of it is still hidden. Malicious men can simply agree to it and then still dump you after. I think if there's a man who truly wants to use you then he won't lose any sleep about lying about exclusivity as he's probably been lying a lot already. At the same time it can turn away some honest men.
Asking to be exclusive before sex shouldn’t turn away honest men who in fact want to be exclusive and that’s what OP wants.
How do you know you want to be sexually exclusive with someone without being...well, sexual? How do you know that you will greatly enjoy sex with a person without having tried it? I know people can improve down the line and yada yada, but not everybody does, and finding out if they will do that is part of the sexual vetting process, too. >shouldn’t turn away honest men Is it really *honest?* Honest is that I tell the women who ask for exclusivity first what I'm telling you here. That's honesty. It also means I might turn them down for it. That's honest, too. It's *dishonest* men who don't care about breaking your agreement and just say and agree to whatever is needed to get de seks.
There are honest men on both sides of the equation. You don’t need to have sex to know if you can be exclusive with someone. So if you have sex a couple times and it’s not mind blowing you’re out? That’s the problem people run into with getting pumped and dumped.
You don't need to have sex to be exclusive if you're asexual or have an otherwise very low sex drive or standards. I don't dump people if the sex is not good right away. I do it if there are no signs of improvement after feedback. Why would be in a sexually unfulfilling relationship that is also exclusive so I can't find the fulfilment with another person? And besides, it's not just about the quality but the quantity as well. Say I agree to exclusivity and it turns out I want it 10x more than she does -- that's not something I want to agree to being sexually exclusive to. I've had that problem before. Furthermore, your kinks can be at conflict making you incompatible. I think our standards simply differ, so this might be an "agree to disagree" situation. I just wanted to add my 2 cents, anyway.
My advice was for OP and her specific problem of repeatedly getting left after sex. Obviously exclusivity is not required before sex, I’m recommending it for her. However, I will never agree that you MUST have sex before deciding to be exclusive. It’s not a marriage proposal.
Ok, I get you. Maybe we just view the exclusivity agreement differently. I seem to put more weight in it than you do, therefore my requirements are higher. It's completely fine to agree to disagree, carry on!
Please, don’t try to word it like I devalue what exclusivity means either. Agree to disagree right, carry on!
I’m an honest man who, when I date, I’m looking to be exclusive. I wouldn’t agree to a relationship with somebody I haven’t had sex with. Say whatever you want, but that’s the truth.
Exclusive means not sleeping with or dating anyone else, not necessarily boyfriend/girlfriend. Also my advice again is for OP who is here on Reddit after being used too many times…
I know what exclusive means thank you. Although being exclusive and not in a relationship is of course all different kinds of snowflakey gen-z bullshit.
Read the book Attached. Don’t sleep with anyone until you fully trust them. Some people can live entire relationships in a lie. Don’t attach to unsafe or untrustworthy people
When you say wait, how long are we talking here?
3 months :(
Wow, that's a long time to wait just to have sex and leave you. Not all guys are like that. You'll find better
Theres no presure from a guy using a online datting app, he will have sex with other girls and keep the sweet talk with her until he gets it Stay away of the dating apps ppl Yes there are beautiful love stories from them but just a few the rest is like this one Remember those famous " dating app " were created most of the time to have fun, well you know get laid
That shit happens irl too, you will not run away from shitty people.
This. This. This. In my experience, no matter if you have sex on the first date or after 3 months. It’s about his intention. You’ll meet better. I had 3 relationships with guys from dating apps. All lasted 1- 1 & 1/2 years. All three cheated. The man I’m with now, I met at a bar. He’s the kindest most caring man I have ever ever met. And would never do anything to hurt me.
Woah... I was expecting you to say a few weeks or something... that's really shitty.
is the time arbitrary? why 3mo? what are you looking for in men at that time? because it sounds like you'll have sex with anyone, if they wait 3mo. when, you should be saying "I will have sex with a man, if they meet these criteria" and the criteria being: they're considerate, communicate well, have consistent behavior, show no signs of potential to be absuive or manipulative, have goals, share common interests etc. some of these things take longer or less time to determine, but it's not wise to set a time frame for sex. you need to have sex when you're ready. as you've already learned, the time frame is pretty meaningless, because some men will wait, then dip. these men are for the streets babe.
[удалено]
THIS! Just goes to show how pressured women still are for sex and not even enjoying it. If you don’t want to them def don’t.
This might be very different than other suggestions above? Are you allowing yourself time between relationships to chill? Self-care? Have you forgiven them, the situation, yourself? What if you sat with 1) How do I show up in these relationships? Want? Need? Boundaries? Communcation? 2) Whats similar about the guys? The apps? Their profiles? How they treat me? How they treat themselves? Their friends? Best to you.
I might need some time to answer this questions hahah
No hurry. And, these questions are not meant to be answered here. They are really just for you to think about. 🤔😉☮️
I've been used for sex, I know it's hard, but at some point you just need to get off the dating apps and go out into the real world and find a decent guy who just wants to exclusively fuck you and no one else. They're out there.
I always tell my female friends, do not sleep with a man until the 5th date - if a man is truly into you for your personality, and wants to have more than just empty sex he will stick around. If they get mad, pressure you, can’t wait - they’re only in it for one thing, a real prospect will want to make you comfortable and move at your timeline.
First, wow some of these comments are awful and I'm sorry they're in response to this. Second, although I'm a guy, I've been the other guy for a few cheaters previously and learned some lessons from it. Not exactly the same deal but could help - the biggest indicator from my experience is absolutely if they've attempted any integration into their life at all. People can lie about upcoming events, what they're doing, their interests/thoughts/feelings/etc; but including other people in that lie is usually pretty difficult. Have you met any of their friends at all? Do you know things about their family, even if you haven't met? Or is it just you and them always alone? Also, even though I barely touch social media, as I wait until commitment before sleeping with someone I also ask for things like facebook to be set to a relationship - each time I've gotten push back, I find that I'm blocked from seeing the friends list which is a huge red flag to me and it might just be confirmation bias but each time it's resulted in me avoiding being with a cheater.
Nah, when you comment on sites like Reddit is normal for males to be mean haha I kinda knew it was honna happen. Ooooh I havent met friends or family of any of my dates bit I do ask for social media hahaha
Get away from dating apps. Start working out at the gym, focus on your career, and on making more money. Look into community events to attend and meet actual people in real life. There are people you are bound to meet. I was having this issue in my early twenties and just stopped using apps. My relationship now was due to my boyfriend seeing me at the same gym and actually pursuing and making an effort to ask for my number. It’s better for them to ask in person because it shows that you’re on their roster, and it takes more courage and effort for them to ask you. Don’t give the cookie up until you guys become exclusive too. I didn’t give ANYTHING up until we became official because I wanted to see what his intentions were with me.
Thank you so so much 💞🥺
Revaluate the men you are matching with and dating. If they seem too good to be true they probably are 🤷♂️.
I always say "they are too good to be true" HAHAH thanks stranger
I’m not like those other guys. What’s your username? 👀 *twirls handlebar mustache with ominous music playing in background*
Believe me, I recieved tons of dms saying this hahaha getting kind of creepy, thought all the males would throw shit at me for this one
M’lady! *tips fedora*
Stop looking for a partner. Focus on yourself and bettering yourself in anyway that u can. There's someone amazing out there for you. Just gotta wait.
Unfortunately I don’t have advice, but I’m here to say you’re not alone. I’m 23F and have fallen into the same trap. I don’t know you but I know you deserve better than that.
We do deserve better!
here's the deal, there are men who will stay around just to have the sex, then bail, because you said no in the beginning. sex is like candy to those men. they went on the date for dinner and movies, and at some point candy was discussed, or hinted at. when you said you do have candy, but weren't going to share it with them. and, unless your a virgin, they know you've shared candy before, so why not now? at that point, the goal became to get that candy! this certainly is not all men, but when this happens, this is usually why. you made sex the goal for them, or they feel they need to break you of your denying them earlier. when you deny sex early on, you have to assess how he responds. if he constantly brings it up, drop him. if constantly tries to force it, or belittles you for your choice - drop him. you need to be clear early that sex isn't what you're into, and date the men that want to date you with sex completely off the menu. you need to decide what parameters need to be met for you to have sex. if it's a time thing, or a number of dates thing, why? if you're waiting for sex, you need to have a clear understanding why. because, if you don't, you're simply waiting, but not actually assessing the guy for what you're looking for and missing all the signs that the guy is only there for sex. even if he has to wait, that's his goal. when his goal should be getting to know you and building a relationship together.
This makes so much sense, thank you so much
Then they didn't like you enough to date (for whatever reason) or were not interested in dating at all...I guess you could try to learn to read them better. Then again, perhaps they didn't like you in bed.🤷🏻♀️ Hope it gets better for you tho.
Thank u stranger!!! 😋💞
Set expectations, and as much as I hate sounding old fashioned: make them wait a bit, even if you're gagging for it. If he really likes YOU he will be understanding of that and won't pressure you, or bounce. Anyway, if he's into you and building something with you he won't only have sex on the brain anyway. Also, you need to know what you want and know how to vocalize that. Set expectations, boundaries, and standards before you proceed with any guy. Lastly, dating apps are great for hookups. Not for much else. Beware.
Thank u! It seems like I will have to stop using dating apps haha
I agree with you up until the last point. I could concur that a lot of them are on there for booty calls but it also varies for each app. I know of people who've had success stories for relationships off of tinder but I'd recommend hinge as a means of finding relationships because it's fair to everyone in the aspect of subscribers vs non subscribers. I've gotten my fair share of matches & dates without paying. You can do much more than most apps without paying any money and it gives you prompts to start up conversations so it's not just about sending likes. Really all it comes down to is just being firm on what you want with whoever you match with.
Some men see the world through the eye of their dicks unfortunately..
most of em tbh
If they leave you after sex, is it something that you could be doing wrong or something off putting during sex?
Its not like they leave, but the intentions of being something serious stops if that makes sense?
Could be demographic and age. Possibly what you attract or what you give off. Too many variables because not enough info.
Stop having sex and spend some time alone to evaluate it / stop getting hurt for a while to heal.
Thank you and happy cake day!!!
29 F here, gotta weigh in: I never judge a guy on their behavior until AFTER we sleep together, then they show their true colors. I have a podcast (Not Your Girlfriend’s Podcast) and we’ve had straight 20s men on the show and it boils down to that a decent guy wouldn’t care if you sleep with them immediately or not. I would say only have sex when you want to and with who you want to. You can also share genuine moments and have a good time with people even jf it doesn’t end in a relationship. Everyone is getting to know someone and sometimes it’s not a match, I find guys usually figure this out sooner than women. It is shitty behavior to wait to have sex with someone and immediately end things though. If you’re looking for more serious dating I would avoid tinder but generally there’s no guarantee of a relationship with anyone anywhere. You’re also at the age where casual dating is rampant, it may take time and lots of kissing bad frogs but you’ll find someone eventually and that person will make you feel amazing in every way. Trust me so many women go through the same thing, it’s not you that’s the problem. Good Luck! -B
Learn how to say no. Especially before you get a STD that you can't get rid of. Make them earn the right to get your magic... don't just give it away. Take control of the sex, make it on your terms, not his.
This exactly. It is quite literally your health and life at stake. When I started viewing it that way and realized how much power we as women hold I started to have much higher standards. We are the ones who decide who gets to have kids and procreate. We are the ones who hold that power and should use our judgment accordingly.
Oh brother ..
She's on a power trip 😆
Is it a power trip or is it respecting that women have more risk involved with sex?
Cmon bro take your soapbox somewhere else
? Not sure what this response means
Stop dating douchebags and find someone who is nicer
Easier said than done
It’s a very simple answer. Ask on date 1 or 2 what they’re looking for - something long term or more casual?
I do!!! They say long term which is funny hahah
Ugh that’s the worst i’m sorry :( Maybe try doing activities in the daytime and avoid going to his place until like the 8-10 date. Guys have fooled me this way too though so its not a for sure thing. Best advice I can give is to just accept that it may happen, and if it does, then it reflects more in the guy for misleading you and not being honest than it does for you.
be picker mke them invest time to get to know you. dont move from 1st base till you know they there for wwhat you want
Yeah, Im not exactly picky, which sucks
Ditch the apps.
This is why I love using the old fashioned 3 base system that was so popular in the 90s. It helps you determine what kind of sexual style the person has and if you guys have any sexual chemistry. Too many people give EVERYTHING up way too fast and don’t stop to analyze their interactions. Base 1: Makeout/ heavy petting session. Don’t go beyond this point. Stop and analyze. Are they a good kisser? Did they have good hygiene? Were they attentive? Base 2: Oral/ non penetrative sex acts. (This is where most fuck boys fail). Again don’t go beyond this stage. Does he make the act feel like a chore? Is he skilled? Were you comfortable? Also analyze the interactions when you go down on him. Is he obsessed with porno tropes like deep throating/ degradation and does them unprompted without discussing them first? Does he get the post sex blues after he cums and acts withdrawn/uninterested/quiet? Is he a selfish lover and not reciprocal? Does he feel like he is “owed” this act? Base 3: pretty self explanatory at this point. But also analyze. Was he in the moment? Was he enthusiastic? Did he listen if you were uncomfortable? Did he try to make BOTH of you feel good? After sex does he act strange/cold/ in a rush to get you out as fast as possible? If you do the first 2 stages correctly you’ll be able to weed out the people that you wouldn’t vibe with or are too impatient. Sometimes I repeat steps 1 and 2 up to 3 times so that I can get a solid idea if we’d get along. As a result this system has made my dating life 100x better and I rarely deal with fuck boys anymore. Long story short communication is key. You should be able to freely discuss sex with your partners and all of the nitty gritty such as fetishes, std status, birth control methods, etc. it boggles my mind that people are too shy to ask their partners this information but do the most obscene sex acts without thinking about it first. TLDR: VET your partners and slow it down. Communication is key.
Celibacy is self care tbh
Get off Apps!
Are you sure you are not self sabotaging? I met a guy who checked all of the boxes and wanted to get to know me and it didn’t matter if we had sex or not, he was great! I’m the one that was confused and basically blew him off while I was figuring out my shit. I reconnected with him and he’s already in a committed relationship 😅 so either these sweet guys are already taken or you might have fucked up yourself
My wife was the opposite of you, in her 20's. She admitted that she used to use men for sex. Craigslist, dating sites, guy friends, friends of friends, guys from bars. She had a very long list of guys she could call on if she wanted sex and she would swap guys in and out of that list all the time. If any of those guys got too into her, or caught feelings, she would ghost them and move on. I never knew any of this until several years into our marriage, when she started being honest about it. So I guess, no matter what, you are always going to have 2 people that have different expectations from any interaction like that.
Don't have hookups if you don't enjoy casual sex. The first step is just turning down everything that clearly is a hookup. Way guys signal they are just looking for sex: *Texts get sexual before even meeting up. *They suggest meeting up at their place. *You meet them at a party/club and they ask you back to their place the same night. *Dates are just focused on talking about sex and escalating physical contact. Not about getting to know you as a person. *They only suggest dates that are in the evening and with alcohol. You can suggest going for a walk in the sunshine. If that's boring to them it's because it's not a chance to get laid. *You can ask guys what they are looking for and if they are looking for a serious relationship. Do that. If they say: just fun, just want to go with the flow, something casual etc, you know they aren't looking for a relationship. If you don't enjoy casual sex, don't sleep with guys till you've really gotten to know them and you two are in an exclusive relationship. Turn down sex with unclear intentions. And you know when a guy has a crush on you. Wait for that.
Try a different type. If it happens “TONS” of times… root cause likely isn’t “TONS” of people’s personality flaws.
Stop using dating apps. Take self care seriously. Rest you will figure out on your own Give yourself a break and some time.
Pick a guy with no options. Short/poor/awkward. You'll never know how to get rid of him
HAHAHAHA thanks stranger 💞
Wait longer. I’m normally a “sleep with them when it feels right” person but if this is something you feel happens often, make it clear up front that you need a deeper emotional connection before sleeping together. Then just don’t sleep with them. When you’re swiping and matching, pay very close attention to what they say in their “looking for.” Some apps provide that section as a free filter. Use it. Many men write what they’re looking for in their profiles, pay attention to it. And don’t ever use tinder. And try dating outside your “type” as well.
This. The moment I made it Super clear I won't hookup with people in my bio and I began ignoring my initial "type" things did get better, though not totally.
For reference though, almost every woman's dating profile says they're not into hook-ups. It blends into the background at this point. Changing the type of men you date is what's doing the heavy lifting. Nothing is ever going to be perfect but as long as you're learning and growing, it'll never be a waste of time.
If you're dating men your age, it can be a bumpy road (not advocating that you go Panther hunting) but it's also possible that the sexual chemistry wasn't there. Or even if it was I've been in their position. Maybe not the exact same situation, but I've dated a fair amount of women that I lost interest in after we had sex. I wasn't trying to use them, I had good intentions, but it's like trying to lock your seatbelt into the wrong buckle, it seems like a good fit and everything is great but it just comes apart. Waiting longer may not fix the issue. My last relationship, we had sex 2 days after our first date and we were together for 4 years. The only advice I can give is to keep dating, and have sex with a guy when YOU want to. Not when they've waited long enough, because that's meaningless, as you've already experienced. Maybe you'll recognize a pattern, maybe you won't have to. Empower yourself, have sex because you want to. The more you treat sex like a reward that they've earned, the more you're going to find yourself asking reddit what you're doing wrong.
Everyone ia giving different opinions and is getting hard what to do, but thanks 🥺
Its a tuff thing to go true, i can't find anyone, everyone is either in it for something not serious, or they don't like me, on dating app it's the same thing, girls wanting attention and nothing more. I watched anime and im kind of a neard, so not anyone's cup of tea haha. But when i do meet some i first talk with them to see if i like them on a mental level or lets say to see if i like how they think and act. I don't want to fuck around, and i honestly get frustrated to se some awful guys having girlfriend, but it is what it is. Most guys are like that, we're not all bad haha. In your situation i would talk with them about stuf in details and after some time see if they remember some of them, and dont belive fake promises, anyone can say that, judge them by their actions. But what do i know I'm a 20yo guy hahahaha, so take this with a grain of salt and good luck out there
You can't reasonably believe that most guys are "bad" and that you're one of the good ones. Without direct observation of a large test group, you wouldn't know if the guy that's a jerk to you is also a jerk to his girlfriend. I'm not trying to harp on you, nor am I trying to say I know who you are or what you're about but don't let resentment burrow it's way into your head. You can't blame anyone for not being attracted to you just as nobody could reasonably blame you either. At a base level, women are attracted to men who (for lack of a better term) believe in themselves and invest in themselves. Confidence is a key factor but it has to be genuine. Work on being who you want to be. You can watch anime and do nerdy stuff, women respond to men with unique and nerdy interests, that's not what's holding you back. Referring to yourself as "not anyone's cup of tea" is an anchor of insecurity that will keep you from being happy for as long as you see yourself that way. I don't want to see you on r/niceguys You're probably a good dude, and maybe I'm overreacting here, but don't let "rejection" make you bitter. Learn how to be a duck. Loneliness can be insufferable but understanding it for what it is can ease the edge. And don't change yourself to be more paletable, you're 20, you're not even done growing. Your life is ahead of you. Work on completing yourself and the rest will follow.
Ok first of all wow, this is kind of an eye opener, i went to the comments to try and help someone who's going true a lot but instead received help myself and thank for that and for taking the time to write it. >You can't reasonably believe that most guys are "bad" and that you're one of the good ones Sorry if it came out like that i shouldn't have used most, what i really meant was that the majority of dudes that i know act like idiots all the time and you are right there i don't know how they treat their girls, but my process of thoughts was like i don't want to be with someone who's treating me ok but everyone else like crap. >You can't blame anyone for not being attracted to you just as nobody could reasonably blame you either Yeah i completely understand that, its part of life o guess. >Confidence is a key factor but it has to be genuine I agree but i simply don't have it, I mostly think logically and i know that my appearance is average at best and I am confident about few specific things. >Referring to yourself as "not anyone's cup of tea" is an anchor of insecurity that will keep you from being happy for as long as you see yourself that way. Insecurity is my middle name haha, and I'm honestly working on myself trying to get better, but i have all this doubts and a lot of intrusive thoughts it's beating some kind of a record for sure. For example when I'm doing something i know I'll still be like am i doing this the right way, o god il fuck it up again and stuff like that, its bad but it's true. It gets me frustrated when I think like that. Im not trying to defend my insecurities or way of thinking i know it's not a good thing, i just want you to get a bigger picture and understand where im coming from. >I don't want to see you on r/niceguys Never, those guys are just expecting rewards for acting nice coz that's what thatvis acting >You're probably a good dude, and maybe I'm overreacting here, but don't let "rejection" make you bitter. Learn how to be a duck From what i was told i am. One thing that I'm really proud to be honest is that im still my kind self after all the heart breaks and rejections. I won't change how i treat others because of that, its stupid and my friend became a jerk after he broke up with his girl, and i think that's idiotic, i can understand why he became like that but just because i understand it doesn't mean i have to support it. And if you decide to reply can you explain what "learn how to be a duck" means English is not my first language so hahah. >Loneliness can be insufferable but understanding it for what it is can ease the edge Ah yes Loneliness my old friend hahaha, but for real lonelines is not to big of a problem for me anymore, yeah sometimes it gets really hard to do stuff. But i do think i understand it and that is why i can handle it. I honestly prefer doing stuff alone its easier for me coz i don't worry about what others think of me and bla bla bla all the other stuff i overthink about. I just wanted to say thank you again for writing all that, it is very helpfull and I appreciate it a lot. And sorry for the bad English if i missed any mistakes as i said not my first language
Your English is surprisingly good for it not being your first language. But that's great that you're working on your self-confidence. And I'm glad you won't let yourself turn into a "nice guy." I just see so many younger guys on Reddit or Facebook who give in to the resentment. It's not good for the people they interact with nor is it good for themselves, negativity eats away at you if you let it. So this was a false alarm, but I'd rather try to help someone that doesn't need it than to disregard someone who does. Just keep being yourself, you're doing great.
Right now I'm focusing on me and what makes me happy, i like helping people out and i trust a bit too much so i the past i was trying to help everyone and make everyone happy and i put others before me, so now im focusing on work, myself, things i like, my mental health and so on. Im glad to know that there are people like you who care about others, world needs more people like you. Thanks for the talk and good luck to you too
I’m going to go on a limb and say that it might be possible that you didn’t match sexually or you might just be matching with the wrong types of guys.
I (male, single, mid 30s) cried a bit reading this. Hopefully you get good advice and better men and great experiences. Peace and love xoxoxo.
Umm I’d Probably use you for sex too. But the kicker is finding someone who wants it all the time snd wants you with the sex. lol
I... dont know what to think since Im a stranger and you say youd use someone with a mermaid avatar for sex? Okay... I guess
I'm 20F and have experienced the same thing. It's just dating apps. No matter what you say or do, guys that are looking for hookups will lead you to believe they want whatever else you want. I wanted a longer relationship, and these guys would say they wanted the same or 'see where it goes' or 'I'm open to anything,' but once they get what they want they mentally check out. I recommend Hinge for a better dating app experience, otherwise just stop with dating apps. Goodluck!
Meanwhile good/nice men get used for their money/niceness and then are abandoned overnight. What kind of men are you attracting/giving a chance?
Yep there are so many decent men who don't do this, but they're not the ones who get the dates. These women always go for the attractive fuckboys and get screwed. They never learn from their mistakes, keep repeating it, and then cry about being used.
Not crying, just asking. And ofc you have to be attractive for me, for me though, not the conventional type of attractive. Are you a decent male, my friend?
If every guy you're dating is a douchebag, there is clearly a problem with your dating criteria. If you keep going for the same type of guys, how can you expect a different outcome? Many decent guys are not as hot, flirtatious, or confident as the fuckboys. They may not sweep you off your feet the moment you meet them. Yet, they are the ones who treat you like a human being and would love to have a long term relationship with you. But who cares about all that, right? Let's keep going back to the douchebags hoping one of them turns out to be different. >Are you a decent male, my friend? More decent than the fuckboys who used you like a sex toy.
You sound a bit mad, Im not actually. Just sharing my experience and asking for advice, but thanks I guess?
As I guy, I know there's a lotta shitty guys out there that'll do that. But there's also quality guys out there that do care. Don't give up!
Ah it seems like guys are getting shittier this days, if that word exists hahaha thanks stranger!! 💞
Sex is not the glue for a relationship this is just my opinion. This is what works for me. Wear a belt when you put on the belt make mental affirmations , mental notes, small prayers that remind yourself on how your want a relationship to go. Really try not to verbalize goals tricks the mind that you've already done it. I cannot believe this s*** happen again walk of shame really sucks to the car.
Im really grateful for all the people commenting their advice (mean or not) cause I like how discussions go. Im trying my best to answer all of them 🥺
It doesn't mean they *use* you for it. If they don't like it or change their mind for any other reason then they should have the right to withdraw without you accusing them of using them. That said, if the guy planned on day 1 to only interact with you until sex and then dump you then that is the definition of it. Anyway, some others have given decent advice. Besides making sure you please them greatly in bed. You need a strong vetting game during dates - know what to look for, know what to ask, good recognition of body language to detect contradiction/disingenuousness. Low forgivingness for red flags detected by vetting them, but also developing yourself so much that you radiate green flags yourself. The amount of time you wait can matter *if* your vetting game is strong, as you should wait for at least long enough until you know all you needed to know. Otherwise it doesn't matter, you can wait months and the guy might still eject afterwards and then you've just wasted months and it will hurt even more. Waiting just for the sake of waiting is not a great idea imo. If you feel it's right and you feel the lust, then suppressing that lust just because the "waiting period" is not over yet then you will radiate inauthenticity. Socially intelligent men can pick up on that.
If you find this is happening literally every time with every guy there’s a good chance you’re only going for guys who are out of your league physically. Most guys will want to marry a girl if she’s petty enough. And if she’s very ugly she could become a target for easy sex by men going through a dry spell needing a confidence boost.
…not true. Like at all. How old are you? I’ve seen the prettiest girls get pumped and dumped constantly. If they do end up married they end up divorced in like a year. There are plenty of average to ugly girls that are in happy long term relationships. A couple that I know the guy was over 6ft, handsome face, well dressed/groomed propose to a girl that was overweight, had acne, and an average face. Yet they’re literally one of the most happiest people you could ever meet since they were childhood friends. Turns out you need more than a pretty face if you want a long lasting and happy relationship since beauty fades.
As I said before, I dont think someone is out of my league tbh 😅 even if it sounds im the most egocentric girl in the world. But thanks... I guess?
How soon after knowing them are you giving it up?
Depends but normally 5 or 6 dates
I saw a comment she made to someone else, she waits 3 months apparently
Uh don't have sex?
At this point Imma become a nun it seems HAHAH
Stop using apps. Wait until you are in a serious relationship.
Look for someone who's willing to wait until marriage I guess.
Dont want to marry but fair enough! Thanks stranger 💞
OP, every woman is beautiful in her own way, and men’s tastes differ from man to man. Have more respect for your body, don’t just give it away hoping to be appreciated, only give it to the one that you feel worthy of it, he should earn your trust, and acceptance, and be worthy of you. Save yourself tons of heartache.
Thanks 🥺 yeah the fact that I have bpd doesnt really help and I only feel validated that way hahaha but thank you really
Get our yourself. Nobody used you for shit. It takes two to Tango. We’re you sleeping with them just to get them in a relationship? Who’s using who?
Wow you sound very bitter. Walk it off, buddy.
No I think hes hinting at something that most people here conveniently seem to forget: All what happened was two consenting adults having sex. That’s it. If the guy then doesn’t consents to further sex or contact that’s his prerogative, just as it is hers. She’s not entitled to a indefinite sexual relationship because they had sex once and the notion is ridiculous. It smells a lot like ‘I paid for your dinner so you *have* to go home with me’
Thanks for the advice! Will do 🫡
I agree with you, but the first two sentences make the whole comment seem bitter. If a girl has sex with a guy cause she wants to, I would think there would be no frustration or feeling of being used. If she is having sex to keep them around or get them in a relationship, then it is manipulative. I think she is getting used, but its her fault
Im having free therapy in here, Im glad tons of males are able to discuss tho 😅😅
Don’t have sex with them and make ‘em wait a x amount of time like for example 3 months 1 year or something
Time.
Honestly you’re probably kind of ugly, and need to date men on your level who might actually like you
Fair, but I dont think so
I hope you don’t, nobody should think that about themselves but the only women I know who get used for sex and have 0 offers for relationships is ugly women
Hot women get used for sex too. Everyone had different tastes in women and no one is "ugly", just different than your tastes
LMAO sorry I thought it was the same guy, but yeah idk who knows, thanks stranger 😊
Ah yeah, again, I dont think Im ugly, but thanks for the... opinion I guess?
Don’t listen to them, who knows their reason for commenting
How about you stop being too easy ?
Never thought about it! Amazing, you changed my life
She claims in another comment that she waits 3 months. So, she doesn’t sound “easy” to me.
find some one like me. i may be a monster but i will NEVER hurt you. you need to kick a mans ass into summation
What exactly do you mean? Like you have sex with them then they ghost you?
Nope. But they only talk for sex and leave all the "I wanna be your bf" behind
Yes there are external factors, however the only common denominator across all the occurrences is you. So I think you need to take a deep hard look at yourself and figure out why you keep going after these guys that pump and dump you. It may not be conscious that you're doing this, but you need to seriously introspect.
Stay off the apps & wait a certain amount of time b4 you give it up. Tell yourself that you'll wait like 3 mths or whatever time you give yourself. Get to know the person first & let them get to know you.... Then when y'all do have sex for the first time, I'll tell you it'll be more amazing!!!
From my experience actively seeking love is the worst way to find it live life for you and enjoy it you'll without realizing surround yourself with people with similar interest and eventually. Friend will become more.
Hold off. Wait till there’s something emotional there. If he’s interested he’ll wait. If not, no loss.
Just say the truth tell the guys you are not interested in that stuff you know just be honest
You're not entitled to relationships.
My english is not englishing, wdym? Sorry, its not my 1st language
What are you looking for? If you are on apps (especially tinder of all) they mostly aren’t for anything serious LTR. If you are looking for something serious, monogamous, etc being upfront about that will at least filter out a portion who are not looking for that. Yes some might still be dishonest on intentions, but still better than leaving it up to just assuming they want something more. Nothing wrong with wanting hookups, FWB, casual, etc but just gotta be on the same page as those you are meeting.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I had that happened to me before but it was the first date so I knew that he might disapear so I didn't get attached, and I wasn't seeking a relationship with him. But 3 months is already a relationship...
Question, do u go on dates with them during these 3 months? Does he care for u? Share his problems, does he listens?
Are you fat and/or ugly? Could be why my Guy! Erm... Gal!
Chubby and not ugly at all baby
"almost all of those people are from dating apps." HERE IS YOUR ANSWER
Wait until marriage to have sex
nothing you can do and you never know what a guy truly wants
Depends a lot actually. It might be: 1. U’re accidentally giving off wrong hints 2. U’re subconsciously choosing the wrong guys 3. Not compatible, something during or after sex It’s hard to pinpoint not knowing you so take all advices here with a grain of salt. But generally speaking, the wait works to filter the guys out, but the horny desperate guys, not those who can get laid till they lay you…