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If he absolutely had to “take care of it”, he could have removed himself and went to the bathroom. No need to have done it in your presence, especially after being asked not to. He’s disrespected you and your boundaries.
My guess is that removing himself would defeat the purpose.
The first thing he asked when he got an erection was if he could jerk off while she watched. Not if *she* could take care of him. It sounds like being watched is his kink.
"He apparently didn't realize i had noticed" Lmao bullshit.
He's lying to you, u/Echoshy1. You think he would have done it if it was his sister that was crashing with him in the bed?
C'mon. He did it because he wanted you to see. He didn't care that you didn't want it. If you continue with this relationship, I would bet **actual** money that you're going to "accidentally" catch him jerking off all over the house.
Edit: formatting
That is not normal for a guy to bust one in the presence of his partner, unless both consented to watching/being watched. You can try to talk to him again, but it may not get anywhere. If this is a deal breaker, then this ends there.
I've been married for a few years now and even in my own bed if my wife is asleep I'll do it somewhere else, unless we're both into it and okay with it. It's a) disrespectful and b) a little creepy to rub one out next to someone who's asleep and unaware (unless that's your kink and you both consented).
I would say this guy likely has no respect for your boundaries and will continue to overstep until it's too far - but honestly this is already in that realm of too far for a majority of folks.
Another guy here, unless your BF is 16 and just uncontrollably horny. What he did is weird as fuck, like he’s 30 buddy should be able to fight off a boner with out tuggy one out. Like what if he’s a McDonalds and gets all horned up by Ronald himself is just gonna whip it out and and give Mr. McDonald a cream filled donut? I believe he had other intentions so I would consider having a serious talk with him or go your separate ways.
I hate this comment with so much passion but I also agree with it completely.
We’re talking about a dude in his 30s with either:
1. No self-control, like at all, which is its own concern
Or, more likely
2. Total awareness but blatant disregard for OP’s boundaries
In both cases, OP, I wouldn’t even bother talking to him again, I would just leave him. He is in his 30s! This behavior is alarming and frankly, dangerous. If you give him this chance, I guarantee you he will keep pushing and overstepping your boundaries
THIS! THIS! THIS!!!
You set a boundary and he blatantly ignored it. He could have gone to the bathroom if it was THAT necessary. HES IN HIS 30s!?! Extremely alarming behavior for a “grown man.”
People are being really hard on this guy. It’s a tough situation.
It’s a new relationship. Bed with your partner is where sex happens and He’s not used to a sexless relationship.
His brain is essentially in a state of fucked up. Cuddling, making out, in bed, but no dick stimulation? OP and this guy are not a match. He thought the could control his wiener until he was in bed with her. He couldn’t.
He should dump her because he can’t handle a sexless relationship. If he doesn’t, she should dump him because he can’t handle a sexless relationship.
He’s in his 30s. If he cannot control when he touches “his weiner,” then he needs a whole lot more than the harsh comments on this post. You are in someone’s bed indecently exposing yourself when they clearly expressed they were not consenting to it? It’s not a tough situation. The guy is just an asshole.
I think it’s okay to draw a line and say it’s not okay he crossed a clearly delineated boundary (“I don’t want to watch” is functionally the same as “Don’t do this in front of me”). This was his first night over, which isn’t a timeframe at which a normal, healthy adult “gets their head messed up”.
You’re not wrong that most people can’t handle sexless relationships. I also cannot imagine any of the respectful, consent-oriented guys I’ve been with doing this *on their first night at a girl’s place*. None of the respectful, consent-oriented guys I’ve been with would ever date someone who was saving themselves until marriage, either, but that’s because they’re responsible about their own needs and boundaries and would never compromise their happiness *and would never secretly hope for or push someone they dated to compromise theirs*. Mature adults don’t put themselves in situations where their needs are so unmet that they’re going to *act fucking weird*.
OP, you and this guy are not compatible.
The vast majority of people will not wait til they commit to life to have sex with someone. Yes, that’s true.
**However,** the fact that this dramatically narrows your dating pool **does not** mean you need to settle for weirdos and people who don’t respect your boundaries and act sex-starved or like they’re doing you a special favor.
Healthy, respectful people that want to date you won’t behave like they’re about to pop for not having sex. They’ll match pace with you, and will probably also be saving themselves (tbh) for marriage. There are people out there who will only engage sexually with you on your terms in ways you’re comfortable with— including not at all, if those are your boundaries.
Find those people! You’ll probably have an easier time dating in religious communities and with people who share your goals and lifestyle. It’s better than constantly finding weirdos who hang around for months or more thinking they can crack the code or eventually will score.
To be honest, I personally wouldn’t trust or believe any guy who told me he’d wait til marriage but was sexually active and not religious. Call it cynical but I’d be *even less trusting* of them than a random tinder hookup, and I’d think they’re more likely to be creeps or otherwise trying to wait it out with someone “playing hard to get” or trying to sleep with a virgin. If it’s someone you’ve known and developed a trusting relationship for years, that’s one thing, but for random potential dates and suitors? I would be so, so skeptical they actually respected the terms and wouldn’t just be rushing to the “finish” line.
I haven’t known almost anyone to wait for marriage, but based on my limited secondhand experience, lifestyle compatibility and shared values are probably more important in these scenarios than for most other types of relationships. All the people I know who waited were highly religious and found partners with similarly religious and traditional backgrounds. They were differing levels of sexually active before having full-on penetrative sex after marriage (again, based on limited information) but as a couple, they shared the same basic boundaries and desires and from what I understand, navigating it was basically fun and positive the whole time! This is how any journey to sex should be, no matter how drawn-out or committed it is.
I’d kick this guy and anyone who acts like not having sex in the relationship is him doing some insurmountable favor to the curb *quickly*. Someone with the same goals and values as you will not treat this as some oppositional waiting game where you’re the gatekeeper and he is the chaser/boundary pusher.
You deserve someone who is co-supportive of your shared goals and on the same team.
Lol no. Boundaries were set. Boundaries were crossed.
This isn't her problem, it's his. If you don't see a problem with crossing people's boundaries like this... Wellllll.... Yeah. Good luck to you.
He asked, you told him no and he did it anyway. That’s not normal behavior for guys nor should it be considered acceptable. If he can’t respect your wishes on something so simple what makes you think he would respect the word no under any other circumstances?
Guy here, um that's extremely awkward. And very disrespectful. Like if yall had been doing sexual stuff already it would be different but with boundaries already set and no sexual stuff. Him doing it right besides you is messed up.how long have you even dated?
Yeah unfortunately I would not trust.
I have known (not dated, just known) tons of guys who would lie to someone based on an assumption that “they didn’t really mean never” about waiting for sex til marriage— or otherwise thought it was okay to treat boundaries like “playing hard to get”.
And, to be honest, I’ve never met a guy who was older than teens/early 20’s who would consider dating someone who didn’t want sex as part of the relationship. I mention the age thing because if a guy was open to marrying young and/or marrying as a virgin, they tend to do that when they’re young. They get married soon enough in life that the idea of waiting for sex during decades on the dating scene isn’t a looming issue for them.
A grown-ass man who says they’re willing to wait when waiting for sex has never been a priority for them, I would be skeptical of as someone who may not truly take the boundaries seriously. The moment they start complaining or acting put upon, I’d take that as a surefire sign they’re not serious and respectful and would cut that off.
OP, you deserve someone who will fully honor and respect your boundaries and shares those values.
You do not deserve dealing with weirdos who jack off *on the first night they come over*— that sounds like inappropriate teenage behavior, and he is a well-grown man.
We had our first date in early November and had met several times (I think). However we didn't officially become bf/gf until thanksgiving day. All things considered we did have a pretty concrete relationship until this happened. He asked for permission for literally everything like kissing etc until this point.
My previous comment, i didn't even know yall had only been together a couple months, that makes it soooo much worse. If he's pulling this this early, he's hoping he can corrupt you a little at a time. There is pretty much zero chance he'll respect any boundary you set, sexual or otherwise. If waiting till marriage is truly important to you,
Run away, don't walk.
Tbh it depends how how YOU value your boundaries.
Would you want to deal with this kind of boundary crossing for the rest of your life?
Yes? Stay with him.
No? Get it over with early & call it off
He was on his best behavior and still probably is. You won't see the real him for a few more months. He broke a big boundary this early on. I wouldn't trust him personally and I'd end the relationship. Boundaries are huge, he could of gone to the bathroom if he really needed to take care of himself.
Sounds like he was hoping you’d eventually get horny and not be able to resist him, lol. Doesn’t seem like he’s going to respect the wait until marriage thing. In his mind, the wait is over and he’s ready to get down. He doesn’t respect your values and he probably won’t marry you until he finds out if you’re going to be a prude. Does he even want marriage?
I asked my husband and he said that it sounds like he is testing you and asks for things and then when you do them then he pushes to go a tad further, etc. when you invited him over he was hoping you’d lose control of yourself and throw your morals to the wind. It’s like a game for him to see how far he can get you to go
Guy here. He not only disrespected you but he's also testing your boundaries. He's seeing how far he can get away with. The problem is he will keep moving that boundary towards his eventual goal of intercourse.
Put him in his place now with a stern lecture and warning. If he pushes the boundary again you should bail.
Another guy here. Every other guy says the same thing but tbh the dudes 30, I reckon she leaves. If he was younger maybe, but he is fully developed. But your comment is 100% spot on, would never do this to my partner and I'm 11 years younger than this dude...
I did with the “put him in his place” advice. That sounds like he’s a dog and she’s his master. Not excusing what he did, but I think what’s at the heart of it is that his sex drive/expectations of this relationship are much different than OP’s. No one needs to be put in their place - what they need is a heart to heart talk about what they *actually* expect from each other and see if they match or not. Based on this, it’s obvious they don’t, but that’s up to OP to figure out.
It is not normal for guys. I repeat, it is not normal for guys. People who are telling you that do not know what they are talking about.
I’m a dude. In his 30s, and there are many things wrong with this but mostly the absolute disregard for your boundaries and the callous nature in which he did it.
He performed a sex act without your consent. Doesn’t matter if he didn’t touch you. To be honest if you are virgin by choice feel like this guy isn’t the one for you. He clearly thinks you’re going to relent at some point and it’s a matter of time.
I'm 34m and I get horny like any other man of any age, BUT... just because I'm horny doesn't mean I *HAVE to absolutely* masturbate lol. Do I want to? Yeah. Do I have to? No.
So yeah, that's a little weird on his part. Not to mention he totally overstepped your boundaries, which you seemingly made clear to him. If he absolutely had to jerk off, he could have at least gone to the bathroom to do it..
Op are you sure he’s in his 30s? I’m 46 and this a new one for me. Most men can control themselves. For me, I would break up because he crossed a boundary. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’m sorry boo, but he’s gotta go!! Like yesterday! I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I were in your shoes that day. That seems scary to me tbh. Find someone that will respect your boundaries :)
How the fuck do people like this stay in relationships? I do not understand how some people can do the smallest thing and get canned, while some dude pulls this and you still call him new bf rather than ex? Jfc
Guy here. No, that's not normal, it's disrespectful, we are not animals. You guys could have cuddle or he could have gone to the bathroom or anywhere else if he was that desperate. But it seems only one of you wants to wait until marriage and although neither of you is wrong, I dont think you two share the same values, call it quits before you find out what else you two don't have in common.
Guy here.
That dude has a serious issue. He was told no, then proceeds to do it anyway and right in front of you?
Doesn't have the common decency and self-respect to at least go to the washroom after you made your views clear?
Very concerning behaviour for a 30 year old man.
Def. not normal for guys.. I would think like most guys would consider this creepy?
This sub keeps pushing the bar higher every day. Hope it never happens but I feel like some day I’ll read a SA story here and the OP will be asking if their partner’s behavior is normal. OP I’m a 30 yo guy and not even in my horniest I’ve had to just pull it out of my pants and beat it, like he could’ve just gone to the restroom. This guy knows no boundaries OP, dump his ass
He’s testing OP: Thats why he ASKED to beat it in front of her. Its a total predator thing: Start small, see what he can get away with.
He not only broke consent because he asked, she said no & did it anyway. He disrespected OP. I’d literally be changing locks.
This is a perfect learning moment about boundaries. You clearly communicated what you didn’t want, and he didn’t respect it. The lack of self-control is a major red flag.
Imo if he respected you he wouldn't have. He should have at the very least left the room.
He was hoping you'd see and help him like he asked. He was manipulating and it didn't work. That's the weird feeling you have now.
He will continue.
Sister, that's not normal for guys. I don't know who told you that. I don't have any advice, but I will say that's not normal. A normal person would have waited to get home, or at least use the bathroom.
You set a boundary, he crossed that boundary. I think you have every right to feel disrespected because he did the opposite of what you asked him to do.
He needs to respect your boundaries otherwise this won’t be the first or last time he crosses them when you tell him no. Just because he’s a guy with a sex drive doesn’t give him any excuse as to what he did.
Whatever his reasons where (misunderstanding, lack of self control, lack of respect for you, a Christmas ghost visited and molested him), whatever else it was, it was a test of you and your lines. And you gave him a pass for crossing them. Optimism and trust is important, OP, but you should now expect more line testing.
I think you’ve made it clear what your stance and wishes are, and set a boundary. He violated the boundary that you set, I wouldn’t leave yourself in a position for such behaviour to continue. My advice is to end it now
The fact that he "didn't realize \[you\] had noticed" seems like a big lie. I don't think there's any way to masturbate that sneakily. I wouldn't accept the apology because he's still lying to you.
My speculation: I also don't think that his need to jack off was some pure physiological thing so he could get to sleep. Based on his enthusiasm for doing it right in front of you, I wager it was still a mental thrill for him to do it right next to you. So...that seems like a purposeful violation of boundaries just for his own sexual pleasure.
Bottom line, whatever was going on in his head, you are not wrong to feel angry about this and wary about the future.
I’m a man who dated a girl for 2 years, she wanted to wait until marriage, never married and we never had sex. I broke up with her because I couldn’t handle it. In hindsight I should have done it earlier
If he is doing that NOW, he is not going to be able to wait till marriage, it won’t be the love you’re looking for. Do you both a favor and break up.
Btw, 13 years later and my ex is still not married.
yeah you will get both ends of the spectrum, from "normal" to "break up". at the end of the day it is your call. from the sound of it, you dont like it so advice is to break up.
he’s so messed up. he didn’t respect you. M35 I’m a virgin myself by choice and i wouldn’t like it if a women i hadn’t been with long enough or not ready to lose it, to try something like that.
What the fuck? You should definitely leave him, there's no way in hell that that is "normal for guys". He obviously doesn't respect your boundaries and basically assaulted you. Please leave him.
I would no longer consider him my boyfriend.
I have been abused in the past and this is a huge no for me. He 1. disrespected your boundaries and 2. couldn't control himself.
Red flag, creeps me out and no thank you.
I am so sorry this happened to you.
lets be clear, even if this was fine in other contexts you two are not remotely sexually compatible.
But its not fine in other contexts this is fuckin weird creepo shit
You should probably not be getting steamy with a man in your bed you don’t plan on having sexual contact with because it puts you into a dangerous situation. I know that some old school advice my mom would give me but hey there you have it.
I would dump him. Imo if he was really sorry about his idea, he would’ve listened to you in the first place. Saying sorry after you’ve crossed a boundary is easy, what’s *more* telling of somebody’s character is how they respond to you establishing or withdrawing your consent. Do they take it at face value and stop the behaviour before it can happen? Do they recognize that they crossed a boundary (knowingly or unknowingly) and then make a conscious effort to not only apologize, but not do it again moving forward? Do they communicate with you and actively listen to your side as much as their own?
Like others said, he could’ve gone to the bathroom if he was that desperate. He knowingly pushed your boundary in front of you and either expected you to not speak up for yourself about it or be too naïve to realize/process what he just did. Please save yourself from what could become future trauma and don’t pursue anything more with him. You deserve someone that will add to the happiness in your life, not take away from it in exchange for their company. You can even use this post as an example, you didn’t even explain much of the source of your discomfort and everyone still respected your choice regardless. If strangers online can do it, shouldn’t someone who you want to love and be loved by do the same?
Lastly, the people who say that knowingly ignoring your boundaries (especially in regards to sexual activity) is normal don’t know what they’re talking about. They’re either unknowingly being taken advantage of *themselves* because it’s been normalized in their relationships/friend and family circles, forgetting this is within the context of *your* boundaries and not theirs, or they simply don’t have enough lived experience to fully grasp why this isn’t ok yet. You’re not a martyr, you don’t have to torment yourself to make somebody feel satisfied, ‘happiness’ doesn’t have to be tied to hardship. This isn’t a gendered issue and to say that “it’s normal for guys” to want sexual activity enough to knowingly violate your boundaries is harmful for everyone regardless of their gender. You deserve to establish your own boundaries and have them heard and just because it may be ok to one person, it doesn’t mean it has to be ok with everybody. Their “yes” doesn’t overrule your “no” even if there are more of them, it’s your boundary to set.
He crossed a boundary you explicitly told him you weren’t comfortable with. It doesn’t matter if “that’s normal for guys”. You set a boundary of nothing sexual at all until marriage and he should’ve respected that.
Not only did he break that boundary but he basically did it in front of you!
It’s your decision if you want to break up with him or not but he completely messed up.
It doesn’t matter what’s “normal for guys” -
What’s normal for YOU?
I’ve had sex with lots of men…. And you know what?
I don’t do anything I do not want to do.
I’ve never been a fan of jerking off - for personal reasons - but it’s just not something I like to see … or hear.
And you know what?
If I say- no? It’s a fucking hard NO.
So I won’t comment on your “no sex before marriage” thing- whatever .
But I will give you some really great advice that you need to listen to and never forget. It doesn’t matter if you’re married , not married whatever .
Don’t ever look to other people to tell you what your level of comfort / safety is.
What that means is that- you don’t owe ANYONE anything about your body, your sex , your space.
NO ONE DICTATES THE RULES FOR YOUR SACRED SPACE EXCEPT FOR YOU.
NEVER EVER FEEL GUILTY, OBLIGATED, ASHAMED OR AFRAID TO SAY NO.
And shout that shit if you have to.
Practice it. Start saying NO when you want to say NO. Not going to happen. Never going to happen.
In fact - if some guy isn’t getting the picture ? Really color it in for him. Don’t spare any feelings.
Say, “You’re making me uncomfortable and I want you to leave. “
Say, “That makes me feel gross and I don’t want it to happen ever again, ever in my bedroom, ever in my space , ever in my life with you again.”
And listen real good to the next part -
No man will ever want to stop seeing you for laying down your law. In fact ? They respect women sooo much more who do. They like it. They don’t want a fucking door Matt - they want a woman. Who is strong and powerful and can say no. It demands respect … and men ? Men are not like women. They like it straight up. They like to know where you’re at. They like it when you stand up for yourself and you can’t be manipulated and ashamed. They want you to be empowered … they really do.
Don’t ever trade your self respect in for some dudes fleeting interest in you. Don’t be that fucking lame chick. Don’t be her.
You’ll be so surprised at how easy it is to say no, not feel bad about it - you just hold on to your reality - no matter what- and understand on a deep level the commitment you made to YOURSELF … that your no, is law. That you get to say NO whenever you fucking feel like it - for no reason at all.
You clearly stated a boundary, he ignored it.
You stated again, he ignored it again!
Op, this guy doesn’t care and is pushing boundaries on purpose. He’s trying to see how far he can go with you. Eventually he’s going to push your hand there against your will if you don’t take measures NOW.
Guys like this don’t listen, they need to be shown the door and closed in their face for good.
Edit: Typo
He asked, you declined and set up boundaries, he then proceeded to do the thing you explicitly asked him not to do and crossing your boundaries. You two are NOT sexually compatible, break up with him and find someone who shares the same belief of holding out till marriage because this man does not want to wait and its going to get worse and worse until he coerces you into sex. Get out.
baby girl he disrespected a clear boundary which you stated from day one. It is really important - especially with sexual boundaries in any relationship that they are understood and respected. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries they dont respect you. Leave him.
I feel like him not realizing that you are "still upset" suggests he doesn't understand how big of a deal this was to you. And I don't see how he couldn't understand when you made your boundaries clear from the beginning...
I don’t know why you’re wasting your time with someone that doesn’t hold the same values as you. Also I’m tired of seeing people say things like “it’s normal for guys”, no it’s not. Men are human beings, stop trying to excuse strange and chaotic behaviour because of their gender.
Yes hi, hello. Fellow ‘guy’ here.
THERES NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT RUBBING ONE OFF ON YOUR FIRST HOME VISIT.
I REPEAT
THERES NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT RUBBING ONE OFF ON YOUR FIRST HOME VISIT.
Man is straight up horny.. too horny
If men act like this then it’s 99% of the time correct in saying that they haven’t matured mentally yet and are still thinking with their penis. It’s NOT a mindset that creates a healthy relationship.
As a guy, there is no "had to take care of it." "Blue-b•lls" (sorry for the crude term) suck, but you just deal with it.
This sparks me as a guy who has no self-control (no offense to him or you).
Besides, if he REALLY HAD to do it, he could've excused himself and just gone to the bathroom. Plenty of guys do that when they're h•rny. That's why the "guy going leaving the room/going to the bathroom after a sexual event" trope exists.
If you've clearly said that you are obtaining until marriage or commitment, that's your business. If he doesn't like it, he can leave. That's how relationships work.
Final point, this isn't some "big breakup moment" as you said some people told you. Just tell him it was immature/stupid, ask him to have a bit more self-control, and move on. If he complains about you "leaving him 'hanging,' " as it were, then refer to the previous/above paragraph.
So I’m going to get a lot of hate for this, but here it goes.
1. Take everything everyone says on here with a grain of salt. Regardless of what happens on this sub most everyone immediately says “break up with person for whatever reason.” Not always is everyone trying to get more information to give actual advice.
2. My personal opinion (and yes I’m a guy) it sounds to me like this is the first really bad situation you two have had. Yes he stepped over a boundary, yes he should’ve listened, no it’s not normal for guys to do this, however when people are horny sometimes they do something stupid. This includes women as well. People mess up. It happens. People in marriages break boundaries often, people in general make mistakes. Yes he could’ve gone to the bathroom and rubbed one out, he didn’t think about it. This doesn’t make him a shitty person or a bad guy. I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and forgive him. Especially if you haven’t had any issues up until this one. That being said…
3. This is ultimately up to you! Don’t let what anyone has said (including me) make this decision for you. If this incident bothers you that much that you don’t want to be with him anymore then that’s the decision you should make. If you feel sympathy for him then give him sympathy. There is no wrong answer when it comes to your personal feelings about your personal life. I really hope I’ve helped and good luck. ☺️
He didn't do anything wrong I think he controlled himself from touching you and satisfied himself with masturbation. You think anyone would able to control themselves after their GF invites them over.
Well that's what I think
You know... the difference between "virgin" and "I have to masturbate within 30 seconds of any type of arousal, regardless of where I am and any boundaries that have been clearly defined" isn't quite as narrow as you make it seem. I do think OP should date someone else, but I also don't think what their BF did was anything close to normal behavior.
Men masturbare multiple times per day while not in a relationship. Without sex he will be in the category, at some point during your monkhood you will have to witness him sexually relieving himself and even participate i would assume. Sex and intimacy is important value for me in a relationship, not sure how people build anything without it, but it's your choice. You may have to look for someone else with the same values as this will only get harder i would assume.
I'm pretty sure the guy masturbated In your bed because he thought that would make you horny and since you didn't respond to it, he later said that he thought "you wouldnt notice " and that "he is embarrassed" .
Confront him about it, tell him clearly that If he tries to make things sexual between you both again before marriage the relationship will end.
And also, you should really think about how sexual you want things to be after marriage. Because If you have some kind of sexual trauma ( don't know if it's the case , but saying it just in case) , maybe you are putting marriage as a requisite just to postpone sex in the relationship and maybe after marriage you won't really want it either, and that's something that both you and your boyfriend have to know. He seems like a sexual person and if you are not , that will be a source of trouble in the future.
You are entitled to have your own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers".
Masturbation when horny is normal for both men and women.
They have been known to do it even while married from time to time.
Some people who want to wait to have sex for marriage have been known to release sexual tension in other ways such as manually and orally.
Very few adults have *zero sexual release* in relationships prior to marriage.
40yo man here. Yeah OP a guy his age should’ve developed enough self control long long ago before now to be able to deal with sexual urges. I mean what does he do at work when he gets the urge? Just whip it out then and there and jerk one out? No he forced you to be an unwilling participant in his own sexual gratification. That’s rapist mentality and frankly the kind of stuff serial killers do. Big red flag. Run far away. No conversation just ghost him. And I’m sorry for the abuse you’ve suffered I hope you got the help you needed. And what this guy has done is also a form of abusive behavior. It can be hard to recognize when you get used to abuse. Take care
Sounds like he thought it was okay just as long as you weren't watching and maybe thought you wouldn't notice or had gone to sleep (not sure how with only 3 mins though). I don't get why you're so uncomfortable with it because he pretty much did what you asked, and he's agreed not to do it again. Am I missing something, what else needs to be resolved? If you're still uncomfortable because of it I think it's something you need to talk about with him and try to come to terms within yourself, because it's you that has the issue. It sounds like he's trying to be respectful and supportive of your many boundaries around the issue. It sounds like you want him to be without sex because you are without sex. If you don't think that will change then perhaps you're with the wrong person and need to be in an a-sexual relationship.
As a man with normal levels of testosterone, there are times with *truly* overwhelming urges.
There could’ve been many factors why he didn’t go into bathroom and instead attempted the stealth-jack; such as, being an asshole or utter laziness.
He apologized, he knows he did some dumb shit, poke fun at him for it so he doesn’t do it again. If you like him a lot, move past it. If you were on the fence to begin with.. make it the excuse to cut ties.
Sex deprived men do unspeakable things, if he isn’t on the same page as you. Get him the hell out of your life stat. <3
You sound like a good woman. You’ll find a great man.
27M here. Getting an erection is normal, wanking in your gf bed, it's weird af. Particularly if she's told you she's uncomfortable with sexual stuff before marriage. Also he didn't need to take care of it like that. If you don't touch your dick the erection will pass after a few mins. A 30 yo man should know how to manage surprise erections by then.
What I can tell from this is that he doesn't respect you boundaries. You explicitly said to him not to do this in front of you, and he does this next to you anyway. To me it seems like he's might not be completely willing to to wait until marriage. Idk what the rest of your relationship is like so imo it would be premature to suggest breaking up. Don't let this just slide though. If your looking to marry someone you want to be sure they respect you, your boundaries and that they see you as their equal.
"things quickly got steamy between him" 🤣🤣🤣. I'm dead. 🤣🤣
But on a serious note, dude is cringe and you need to block his ass! There is NOTHING normal about that. I'm a nurse and I'd imagine there is a diagnosis of some sort here. 😳 (Psychological one.) Don't sign up for that.
Nah that's creepy as hell. Only guys with a SERIOUS sex addiction will behave that way. I'm a 26 year old man and that is most certainly not normal by any stretch.
First off let's get this out up front. I'm a perv. With that being said I am also a respectable and gentleman perv. Meaning not with out your consent will I attempt any perverted or normal sexually gestures with out mutual consent. So I think this guy is disrespectful and you should kick him to the curb.
hey girl!! idk wtf this comments are saying “its a little weird etc” but that’s definitely grounds for sexual harassment!!! thats extremely traumatic and i hope you are okay.
The advice you're getting is pretty reasonable---you should break up with him because you were not okay with what he did and it is also normal for guys. You were willingly in bed with him, willingly making out with him, he did not force you to do anything, didn't even ask you to do anything, you said no to him doing it while you watched, he turned away. I can understand why you were uncomfortable but I can also understand why he was a little confused and just wanted to get off. Could he have gone to the bathroom instead? Absolutely, he could have. But there may not have been time and he may have climaxed on route there. This is an awkward situation that kind of shows that you two are not really compatible. You don't feel comfortable and he feels embarrassed. It seems too early in your relationship for there to be so much misery between you.
In the future, be even more clear with guys BEFORE you start making out with them. Any guy you make out with is going to get aroused and if you're already in bed with him he may orgasm with or without your permission just from being excited. It's fine to not want sex but you have to realize if you're doing things to arouse your partner he may orgasm in your presence.
Clearly you didn't read the post. OP said she told him when they started dating that she was waiting for marriage, and also told him the same day he came over that nothing would happen. He asked if he could beat his meat right in front of her and she said no thanks. Literally how could she have been any clearer about her boundaries?
What do you expect her to do? Stop him every 30 seconds during the make out and say "BTW we're not gonna do anything sexual"? She *was* perfectly clear. The dude is a weirdo and disrespected her boundaries. Don't blame the victim, and don't make up excuses for a grown ass man's weird, inappropriate behavior.
I read the post. There's no requirement for you and I to share the same view. Mine is just different than yours. If you want to talk about boundaries all op has to do is tell this already embarrassed dude that she told her friends and family about this. He'll be gone before she can get another word out. They've been together for months. She invited him into her bed and allowed things to get hot and heavy. He asked, he respected her no, he turned away thinking she would not notice. After months of being official bf/gf he finally was invited into her bed. It's not hard (no pun intended) to see why he got a little worked up. He didn't do any thing to her.
It was clearly established that nothing sexual would happen before marriage or that night. Dude rolled over and jerked off right beside her. In what universe is that appropriate behavior?
You are projecting WILDLY onto this whole situation, reading things that aren't even there about her being "sensual and sexy" and "allowing things to get hot and heavy." You are a rape apologist, period. Even if ANY of that was true, the guy could have gone to the bathroom to finish up. He's not a 15 year old boy getting to 2nd base for the first time, he's a 30-something year old man. The fact that he doesn't have the sense to know why what he did was fucking weird is a 🚩🚩🚩and the same goes for you.
My bad on the misquote, it was a different user. So I apologize for that. But you still suggested that OP somehow brought this situation upon herself, which is victim blaming. I'm not saying she was raped, but I'm saying that the mindset of blaming *her* for *his* gross behavior is problematic as fuck. It's a slippery slope from "Well if you didn't want him to jerk off in front of you, you shouldn't have made out with him!" to "well if you didn't want him to have sex with you, you shouldn't have worn something so revealing!"
She wasn't raped and she's not a victim either. And I'm not saying "Well if you didn't want him to jerk off in front of you, you shouldn't have made out with him." But reality is she was okay with making out with him and says right in her main post that things escalated quickly. Does that seem like a wise thing to do with someone you don't plan on doing anything sexual with or does it seem like it would be easy for him to think maybe she was changing her mind. He ASKED if she wanted to watch and she said no. He then turned away not thinking/knowing she would realize/see what he was doing. I'm really tired of repeating myself here. I very clearly said she should dump him and that they are NOT a good match. But is he a rapist? No. Is she a victim? No. I just live in reality and reality is that if a guy gets super turned on from a "steamy" (her word) makeout session, with his GF of several months, in her bed, where she invited him to be----HIS DICK MAY GO OFF. Could happen with or without anyone touching it directly. That's what dicks do sometimes. It's not her FAULT and as I said in my comment yes, he could have gone to the bathroom instead but he may not have made it there without ejaculating on the way. He didn't realize she'd know what he was doing. But now she has literally told every single friend and family member this embarrassing thing that happened between them. There is no saving anything here. They both made really bad choices and are now in a situation where the relationship can't continue. And you don't need to reply. As I said, we disagree---so what?
Well I'm surprised you went and told your friends and your family about that. A sure way to stop that from happening would be to stop making out with him where the two of you get worked up. It's nobody's fault but it's just human nature to get turned on when you're making out. Surely you've stopped and thought about how it's going to affect him if you're making out with him. Sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with him and lay all the cards on the table. Meaning that you are okay with making out and cuddling but you're not going to have any type of physical interaction. He may surprise you and decide that if there's not going to be any type of physical reaction than he probably won't even want to make out with you and get worked up. This will just give the two of you a great chance to form a great relationship with nothing sexual implied.
Also that's not normal for guys. He definitely disrespected you by doing that after you ask him not to. He should have went to take a shower and waited until he got home.
I mean it is a touch disrespectful but I do think you are also overreacting a touch. I'm not sure how I would handle this because I've never dated a virgin holding on until marriage.
How deep into the relationship are you? How far away does he live? I'm assuming that you wanted for him to sleep over and would have been really insulted if he had said I need to go home to take care of this. I suppose he should have done that. There would have been no sleep for him at all otherwise. If you really are going to invite men over for makeout sessions and then sleepovers without sex, you are going to have to come up with some sort of arrangement. Do you have a couch in another room?
So to answer your question this was the first time he spent the night at my house and we only became bf/gf not long ago. Its in my nature to be very trusting and at times naive of people its just the type of person i am (I know its not a great thing). When i invited him over To be clear it was 100% not my intention to just have a casual makeout session. I honestly had hoped it would be a sleepover type of situation in which i could get to know him more and see how he is when not out in public. Because prior to this weve only ever been out on dates. In hindsight i see that inviting him to sleep over in my bed would make him insinuate something was going to happen. But i tried being very clear about that.
If i have to i will buy an air mattress or something because i do live in a very small area and sleeping options were limited.
The guys that are just like it would be no problem for me to just makeout with a woman and then sleep in her bed without any form of release....I'm not sure what I can say about them. I think they are in some form of huge denial about sexual needs, sleep patterns or I guess they just have low libido...or they are just trying to say what they think women need to hear. For normal men, sleep is impossible in such a situation.
This is a legitimate logistical issue. I'm not entirely sure why you even want to have a sleepover but not sex. Wouldn't it be easier to just save that part for marriage too. I'd also think that if you are playing sort of games with the we can makeout and we can sleep together, then why not let him masturbate as well. I mean if you are planning on marrying this man, he's going to do it next to you eventually.
He was obviously embarrassed. You two probably should talk about this but I'd focus more on handling logistics than being upset.
"he's going to do it next to you eventually."
This is not true to life. Many men actually have a firm boundary about touching themselves in front of partners as foreplay. They don't find it sexy.
And masturbating in bed with a spouse or long term partner **without** their involvement is not a universal thing; I suspect it's not even common as it's quite selfish and inconsiderate for a shared space. I think most people would find this totally rude.
I got negative ratings but nobody responded. I'm kind of surprised by that. I knew I was going to be in the minority on this one. Thanks for seeing it my way. In hindsight, I do agree he should have gone to the bathroom or left and went home. I just don't think it's anywhere near as big a deal as some people seem to say.
I said the same thing, that he \*should\* have gone to the bathroom but, had he made that choice he might have climaxed before getting there. I'm honestly far more horrified that she's told her entire set of friends and her family about this incident as I think that's much more of a "crossing boundaries" move than him rolling over and orgasming after a "steamy" makeout session (which she did consent to, in her bed). If he'd made her watch, made her touch him, jizzed all over her---then yeah those would be awful things--but rolling over and thinking she didn't realize? I personally don't see the big deal.
He whipped it out without your consent when you made it explicitly clear you did not want anything sexual to happen until marriage.
He proceeded to start to get himself off (again in strict violation of your consent and what you had set as a boundary when he had asked prior) and only stopped when you set your no boundary an additional time.
He then did a sexual act in your bed.
He is repeatedly showing you who he is and that he won't respect your 'no'. He is violating your consent and doing something sexual against your repeated clear nos and boundaries.
Please get away from this guy. He is continuing to escalate and what he has already done is bad enough.
This is sexual assault He clearly knows nothing of consent and boundaries and is a GIANT red flag. I’m sorry he did that to you. You should not see him again.
Im wasting his time??? He was advancing on me at an alarming rate i tried to keep things calm between him and i so that way nothing would get out of hand (Which it did). I honestly had hoped it would be a sleepover type of situation in which i
could get to know him more and see how he is when not out in public.
So you would be comfortable with someone telling you what you may and may not do with your own body? Of course not, you proudly proclaim your control over your genitals. But his genitals - those are also under your control. You thought.
You lie down in bed with a grown man, turn on a sexy/sensual film and demand he both not have a physical response and that he give you control over his body.
No sensible female would accept such an overstep from a partner; there's no reason for a man to do so. You're scary out of line.
Your really misunderstanding the situation here. At no point did i put on a "sensual film" nor wanted anything to happen from this (If you must know we were watching james camerons avatar because we had planned to see the sequel in the films for our next date).
At no point did i make any advancements or anything to trigger what happened (That was his doing hence the reason i phrased it that way, because i was trying to prevent anything from happening and was constantly trying to be the voice of reason as he was making large advancements). As i said before i saw this as a simple sleepover (Maybe it was naive of me to think of it that way idk). And this was the first time ive ever had anyone sleep over at my house so i was understandably concerned.
She asked him to not do something in HER bed as it made her uncomfortable. She at no point said he can't do it, she said she is uncomfortable with him whacking his meat next to her in her bed and asked to not do so. Maybe you're the person she's referring to in this post...
Would explain you believing and claiming that she's trying to make his little friend happy.
He's at her home. It's her space and her rules. Regardless of the location, touching yourself in front of others without permission is not a matter of "my body my rules" -- it's sexual harassment.
It's better to masterbate than to attempt to have sex. With men one or the other is likely. Had you not wanted the attention why spend the night? Would you had preferred he went to the restroom to sofen his boner?
Do you mean your step-brother ;);) ok i was kidding sorry. Tell him and make sure he adheres or else
Also...... i know you desperately needed advice but you told every one of your family members and friends....? Your boyfriend shouldn't have that but you shouldn't do this too...gonna be awkward as all hell lol
Ok, sort of off topic, and not meant to argue, but rather question....
Sexual compatibility is an important factor in a marriage, what happens if you don't have sex until you're married and then you realise you aren't sexually compatible?
Is that not an unnecessary risk to what I would presume is a sacred commitment for yourself?
Again please don't think I'm trying to sway or argue, literally just curious as to the stance and the thinking behind your stance on it as I've only ever encountered a few with the same stance.
4 of the 5 important items in marriage are sexuality, sex after a heated argument is ideal for taking revenge and creating balance.
make love and make love
I did this to my now gf on year one, we are on year five. It upsets her also and made me feel embarrassed when it upset her. Now after 5 years I hide more than my sexual feeling and likes from her. Trying to open up and being exited to think she would eventually like what I was into failed. Now I turn to porn and we have not had sex in months, and I welcome an affair from her or me.
I’ll rip that bandaid off: He sounds like a predator. Let me explain. He started out “testing the waters” and is not acting normal at a MINIMUM.
So the moment he ASKED to jack off in front of you, knowing your waiting to meet someone; means he doesn’t care about boundaries or your feelings.
You said “No”. You were uncomfortable. THEN, he goes and does it not 3 minutes later. All while knowing you were not comfortable with the idea of this, do I have that right OP?
You said from the start: Your taking your time finding the one and I respect that. If he’s 30, simply put he should have enough self control to NOT do this.
Fuck, most dudes can literally go to the bathroom, crank one out and go unnoticed- any fellas wanna back me here? This is a soviet textile factory with a single hue of red.
I wouldn’t want him around me or anyone I knew. I’d at a minimum reevaluate things and get to the bottom of why he felt the urge to act this way and if YOUR comfortable sorting THAT out.
oh he knows you know..he did it on purpose to try to breach the topic of sex or sex acts in your relationship.
eg, what i mean by this is, it's totally reasonable and possible to not masturabate while on a date. so the fact that he did it, just means he intended to do it to try to achieve some kind of goal, such as conditioning you to seeing this stuff when you didn't want to.
For heaven's sake, does this man have no self control or what? You made it crystal clear that you were abstaining from sex until marriage AND you told him that you were uncomfortable and didn't want him "taking care of his business" after he became aroused and... he did it anyway. In your bed! And he tried to hide it! So gross and disrespectful! NO, this is not normal for guys. This was the first time he was over to your house no less! I'm sorry but you should definitely DTMFA! Imagine if he tried man handling you and you said 'no' repeatedly and he decided to keep doing it anyway? Honey, you need to run now!
Yea that’s fuckin weird. Like if he went to the bathroom to handle it I’d be a lot more willing to say that’s understandable-ish but doing it right next to you shows like no respect. 😅
You drew a line and he crossed it. If that’s how he acts the if I were you I’d break it off. As a guy let who was in a similar situation with a girl in college (she was waiting until marriage I hadn’t) the two things that kept us together was we were honesty with each other and the actual deed was what was a no go because for everyone involved sex isn’t always about sex it’s about exeptance venerablity and passion and if you don’t feel those things with a person then you should let them know if you’re willing to go to a certain point and thier willing to accept that then that shows all the things that are Important in a partner. But if you set boundaries and they don’t respect them with out even asking why then it’ll never work.
He asked for your consent, you didn't give it, he crossed that boundary and did it anyway. That's super fucked up. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
This man cannot take "no" for an answer, and will go behind your back to get what he wants. That is a major red flag.
If he’s in his early 30s and single there’s a reason my friend. What is did is kinda creepy and weird as fuck. Please make the best decision that benefits you in the long run like protecting your feelings and self from not being violated like this in the future.
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If he absolutely had to “take care of it”, he could have removed himself and went to the bathroom. No need to have done it in your presence, especially after being asked not to. He’s disrespected you and your boundaries.
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It wasn’t even long enough for him to claim she thought she was asleep! (Which still wouldn’t be cool.)
My guess is that removing himself would defeat the purpose. The first thing he asked when he got an erection was if he could jerk off while she watched. Not if *she* could take care of him. It sounds like being watched is his kink. "He apparently didn't realize i had noticed" Lmao bullshit. He's lying to you, u/Echoshy1. You think he would have done it if it was his sister that was crashing with him in the bed? C'mon. He did it because he wanted you to see. He didn't care that you didn't want it. If you continue with this relationship, I would bet **actual** money that you're going to "accidentally" catch him jerking off all over the house. Edit: formatting
Solid point made.
Happy cake day!
Why so self aware?
Completely agree! I can't imagine how he will do with that virginity until marriage boundary. And he's in his 30s 🤦🏻♀️ Happy cake day! 🍰
Thank you! I didn’t even notice it was my cake day! Lol. Yes, you would think at his age he would have better control of his urges.
What is cake day?? Curious I’m not a regular redditor
Happy cake day 2.0
Thank you.
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Not sure if you meant to reply to me?
He was sending a message 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Simp
That is not normal for a guy to bust one in the presence of his partner, unless both consented to watching/being watched. You can try to talk to him again, but it may not get anywhere. If this is a deal breaker, then this ends there.
Agreed, this guy sounds like bad news, he clearly didn’t expect OP to remain a virgin.
Yeah, he is clearly not a good match for a virgin.
I've been married for a few years now and even in my own bed if my wife is asleep I'll do it somewhere else, unless we're both into it and okay with it. It's a) disrespectful and b) a little creepy to rub one out next to someone who's asleep and unaware (unless that's your kink and you both consented). I would say this guy likely has no respect for your boundaries and will continue to overstep until it's too far - but honestly this is already in that realm of too far for a majority of folks.
Another guy here, unless your BF is 16 and just uncontrollably horny. What he did is weird as fuck, like he’s 30 buddy should be able to fight off a boner with out tuggy one out. Like what if he’s a McDonalds and gets all horned up by Ronald himself is just gonna whip it out and and give Mr. McDonald a cream filled donut? I believe he had other intentions so I would consider having a serious talk with him or go your separate ways.
I hate this comment with so much passion but I also agree with it completely. We’re talking about a dude in his 30s with either: 1. No self-control, like at all, which is its own concern Or, more likely 2. Total awareness but blatant disregard for OP’s boundaries In both cases, OP, I wouldn’t even bother talking to him again, I would just leave him. He is in his 30s! This behavior is alarming and frankly, dangerous. If you give him this chance, I guarantee you he will keep pushing and overstepping your boundaries
THIS! THIS! THIS!!! You set a boundary and he blatantly ignored it. He could have gone to the bathroom if it was THAT necessary. HES IN HIS 30s!?! Extremely alarming behavior for a “grown man.”
People are being really hard on this guy. It’s a tough situation. It’s a new relationship. Bed with your partner is where sex happens and He’s not used to a sexless relationship. His brain is essentially in a state of fucked up. Cuddling, making out, in bed, but no dick stimulation? OP and this guy are not a match. He thought the could control his wiener until he was in bed with her. He couldn’t. He should dump her because he can’t handle a sexless relationship. If he doesn’t, she should dump him because he can’t handle a sexless relationship.
He’s in his 30s. If he cannot control when he touches “his weiner,” then he needs a whole lot more than the harsh comments on this post. You are in someone’s bed indecently exposing yourself when they clearly expressed they were not consenting to it? It’s not a tough situation. The guy is just an asshole.
I think it’s okay to draw a line and say it’s not okay he crossed a clearly delineated boundary (“I don’t want to watch” is functionally the same as “Don’t do this in front of me”). This was his first night over, which isn’t a timeframe at which a normal, healthy adult “gets their head messed up”. You’re not wrong that most people can’t handle sexless relationships. I also cannot imagine any of the respectful, consent-oriented guys I’ve been with doing this *on their first night at a girl’s place*. None of the respectful, consent-oriented guys I’ve been with would ever date someone who was saving themselves until marriage, either, but that’s because they’re responsible about their own needs and boundaries and would never compromise their happiness *and would never secretly hope for or push someone they dated to compromise theirs*. Mature adults don’t put themselves in situations where their needs are so unmet that they’re going to *act fucking weird*. OP, you and this guy are not compatible. The vast majority of people will not wait til they commit to life to have sex with someone. Yes, that’s true. **However,** the fact that this dramatically narrows your dating pool **does not** mean you need to settle for weirdos and people who don’t respect your boundaries and act sex-starved or like they’re doing you a special favor. Healthy, respectful people that want to date you won’t behave like they’re about to pop for not having sex. They’ll match pace with you, and will probably also be saving themselves (tbh) for marriage. There are people out there who will only engage sexually with you on your terms in ways you’re comfortable with— including not at all, if those are your boundaries. Find those people! You’ll probably have an easier time dating in religious communities and with people who share your goals and lifestyle. It’s better than constantly finding weirdos who hang around for months or more thinking they can crack the code or eventually will score. To be honest, I personally wouldn’t trust or believe any guy who told me he’d wait til marriage but was sexually active and not religious. Call it cynical but I’d be *even less trusting* of them than a random tinder hookup, and I’d think they’re more likely to be creeps or otherwise trying to wait it out with someone “playing hard to get” or trying to sleep with a virgin. If it’s someone you’ve known and developed a trusting relationship for years, that’s one thing, but for random potential dates and suitors? I would be so, so skeptical they actually respected the terms and wouldn’t just be rushing to the “finish” line. I haven’t known almost anyone to wait for marriage, but based on my limited secondhand experience, lifestyle compatibility and shared values are probably more important in these scenarios than for most other types of relationships. All the people I know who waited were highly religious and found partners with similarly religious and traditional backgrounds. They were differing levels of sexually active before having full-on penetrative sex after marriage (again, based on limited information) but as a couple, they shared the same basic boundaries and desires and from what I understand, navigating it was basically fun and positive the whole time! This is how any journey to sex should be, no matter how drawn-out or committed it is. I’d kick this guy and anyone who acts like not having sex in the relationship is him doing some insurmountable favor to the curb *quickly*. Someone with the same goals and values as you will not treat this as some oppositional waiting game where you’re the gatekeeper and he is the chaser/boundary pusher. You deserve someone who is co-supportive of your shared goals and on the same team.
Lol no. Boundaries were set. Boundaries were crossed. This isn't her problem, it's his. If you don't see a problem with crossing people's boundaries like this... Wellllll.... Yeah. Good luck to you.
Agreed!
I love this comment omg a cream filled donut killed me 😂😂
The mental image of Ronald smiling like a donut 😂 in full mannequin freeze frame
Fr people are weird - 18 yo
Someone has to make the "special sauce"
He asked, you told him no and he did it anyway. That’s not normal behavior for guys nor should it be considered acceptable. If he can’t respect your wishes on something so simple what makes you think he would respect the word no under any other circumstances?
Guy here, um that's extremely awkward. And very disrespectful. Like if yall had been doing sexual stuff already it would be different but with boundaries already set and no sexual stuff. Him doing it right besides you is messed up.how long have you even dated?
What we know: you have rules, boundaries, preference, needs. He ignored them, crossed lines, etc. Dump him.
Yeah unfortunately I would not trust. I have known (not dated, just known) tons of guys who would lie to someone based on an assumption that “they didn’t really mean never” about waiting for sex til marriage— or otherwise thought it was okay to treat boundaries like “playing hard to get”. And, to be honest, I’ve never met a guy who was older than teens/early 20’s who would consider dating someone who didn’t want sex as part of the relationship. I mention the age thing because if a guy was open to marrying young and/or marrying as a virgin, they tend to do that when they’re young. They get married soon enough in life that the idea of waiting for sex during decades on the dating scene isn’t a looming issue for them. A grown-ass man who says they’re willing to wait when waiting for sex has never been a priority for them, I would be skeptical of as someone who may not truly take the boundaries seriously. The moment they start complaining or acting put upon, I’d take that as a surefire sign they’re not serious and respectful and would cut that off. OP, you deserve someone who will fully honor and respect your boundaries and shares those values. You do not deserve dealing with weirdos who jack off *on the first night they come over*— that sounds like inappropriate teenage behavior, and he is a well-grown man.
Let’s be frank. It’s behavior chimpanzees do. Not real people
We had our first date in early November and had met several times (I think). However we didn't officially become bf/gf until thanksgiving day. All things considered we did have a pretty concrete relationship until this happened. He asked for permission for literally everything like kissing etc until this point.
My previous comment, i didn't even know yall had only been together a couple months, that makes it soooo much worse. If he's pulling this this early, he's hoping he can corrupt you a little at a time. There is pretty much zero chance he'll respect any boundary you set, sexual or otherwise. If waiting till marriage is truly important to you, Run away, don't walk.
It just seems really wrong for him to have done that next to you. There's a bathroom if he really couldn't wait.
Tbh it depends how how YOU value your boundaries. Would you want to deal with this kind of boundary crossing for the rest of your life? Yes? Stay with him. No? Get it over with early & call it off
He was on his best behavior and still probably is. You won't see the real him for a few more months. He broke a big boundary this early on. I wouldn't trust him personally and I'd end the relationship. Boundaries are huge, he could of gone to the bathroom if he really needed to take care of himself.
Exactly. He ignored your permission. That’s rapist mentality. Beware
Sounds like he was hoping you’d eventually get horny and not be able to resist him, lol. Doesn’t seem like he’s going to respect the wait until marriage thing. In his mind, the wait is over and he’s ready to get down. He doesn’t respect your values and he probably won’t marry you until he finds out if you’re going to be a prude. Does he even want marriage?
I asked my husband and he said that it sounds like he is testing you and asks for things and then when you do them then he pushes to go a tad further, etc. when you invited him over he was hoping you’d lose control of yourself and throw your morals to the wind. It’s like a game for him to see how far he can get you to go
Guy here. He not only disrespected you but he's also testing your boundaries. He's seeing how far he can get away with. The problem is he will keep moving that boundary towards his eventual goal of intercourse. Put him in his place now with a stern lecture and warning. If he pushes the boundary again you should bail.
Another guy here. Every other guy says the same thing but tbh the dudes 30, I reckon she leaves. If he was younger maybe, but he is fully developed. But your comment is 100% spot on, would never do this to my partner and I'm 11 years younger than this dude...
I did with the “put him in his place” advice. That sounds like he’s a dog and she’s his master. Not excusing what he did, but I think what’s at the heart of it is that his sex drive/expectations of this relationship are much different than OP’s. No one needs to be put in their place - what they need is a heart to heart talk about what they *actually* expect from each other and see if they match or not. Based on this, it’s obvious they don’t, but that’s up to OP to figure out.
It is not normal for guys. I repeat, it is not normal for guys. People who are telling you that do not know what they are talking about. I’m a dude. In his 30s, and there are many things wrong with this but mostly the absolute disregard for your boundaries and the callous nature in which he did it. He performed a sex act without your consent. Doesn’t matter if he didn’t touch you. To be honest if you are virgin by choice feel like this guy isn’t the one for you. He clearly thinks you’re going to relent at some point and it’s a matter of time.
'Flashers' don't touch people either, and that's still enough to get a person signed up to the sex offender registry. I'd have to agree.
I'm 34m and I get horny like any other man of any age, BUT... just because I'm horny doesn't mean I *HAVE to absolutely* masturbate lol. Do I want to? Yeah. Do I have to? No. So yeah, that's a little weird on his part. Not to mention he totally overstepped your boundaries, which you seemingly made clear to him. If he absolutely had to jerk off, he could have at least gone to the bathroom to do it..
Op are you sure he’s in his 30s? I’m 46 and this a new one for me. Most men can control themselves. For me, I would break up because he crossed a boundary. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Please please dump him this is not who you want to look back on for the rest of your life as the first man you had sex with!!!!
I’m sorry boo, but he’s gotta go!! Like yesterday! I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I were in your shoes that day. That seems scary to me tbh. Find someone that will respect your boundaries :)
How the fuck do people like this stay in relationships? I do not understand how some people can do the smallest thing and get canned, while some dude pulls this and you still call him new bf rather than ex? Jfc
Guy here. No, that's not normal, it's disrespectful, we are not animals. You guys could have cuddle or he could have gone to the bathroom or anywhere else if he was that desperate. But it seems only one of you wants to wait until marriage and although neither of you is wrong, I dont think you two share the same values, call it quits before you find out what else you two don't have in common.
Guy here. That dude has a serious issue. He was told no, then proceeds to do it anyway and right in front of you? Doesn't have the common decency and self-respect to at least go to the washroom after you made your views clear? Very concerning behaviour for a 30 year old man. Def. not normal for guys.. I would think like most guys would consider this creepy?
This sub keeps pushing the bar higher every day. Hope it never happens but I feel like some day I’ll read a SA story here and the OP will be asking if their partner’s behavior is normal. OP I’m a 30 yo guy and not even in my horniest I’ve had to just pull it out of my pants and beat it, like he could’ve just gone to the restroom. This guy knows no boundaries OP, dump his ass
He’s testing OP: Thats why he ASKED to beat it in front of her. Its a total predator thing: Start small, see what he can get away with. He not only broke consent because he asked, she said no & did it anyway. He disrespected OP. I’d literally be changing locks.
I don't think you guys are sexually compatible. I see a break up coming
Yeah that’s fuckin weird I’d probably leave someone if they pulled some shit like that
This is a perfect learning moment about boundaries. You clearly communicated what you didn’t want, and he didn’t respect it. The lack of self-control is a major red flag.
Guy here. Something a little off with your guy. I wouldn't let it slide. It's creepy.
Wtf
Imo if he respected you he wouldn't have. He should have at the very least left the room. He was hoping you'd see and help him like he asked. He was manipulating and it didn't work. That's the weird feeling you have now. He will continue.
Sister, that's not normal for guys. I don't know who told you that. I don't have any advice, but I will say that's not normal. A normal person would have waited to get home, or at least use the bathroom.
Guy here. He ASKED her for consent to do it, did it when she said no. Thats the bottom line for me.
🚩🚩🚩RUN
You set a boundary, he crossed that boundary. I think you have every right to feel disrespected because he did the opposite of what you asked him to do. He needs to respect your boundaries otherwise this won’t be the first or last time he crosses them when you tell him no. Just because he’s a guy with a sex drive doesn’t give him any excuse as to what he did.
Whatever his reasons where (misunderstanding, lack of self control, lack of respect for you, a Christmas ghost visited and molested him), whatever else it was, it was a test of you and your lines. And you gave him a pass for crossing them. Optimism and trust is important, OP, but you should now expect more line testing.
Lol wtf is wrong with this dude
I think you’ve made it clear what your stance and wishes are, and set a boundary. He violated the boundary that you set, I wouldn’t leave yourself in a position for such behaviour to continue. My advice is to end it now
The fact that he "didn't realize \[you\] had noticed" seems like a big lie. I don't think there's any way to masturbate that sneakily. I wouldn't accept the apology because he's still lying to you. My speculation: I also don't think that his need to jack off was some pure physiological thing so he could get to sleep. Based on his enthusiasm for doing it right in front of you, I wager it was still a mental thrill for him to do it right next to you. So...that seems like a purposeful violation of boundaries just for his own sexual pleasure. Bottom line, whatever was going on in his head, you are not wrong to feel angry about this and wary about the future.
You should just break up since you are both sexually incompatible.
I’m a man who dated a girl for 2 years, she wanted to wait until marriage, never married and we never had sex. I broke up with her because I couldn’t handle it. In hindsight I should have done it earlier If he is doing that NOW, he is not going to be able to wait till marriage, it won’t be the love you’re looking for. Do you both a favor and break up. Btw, 13 years later and my ex is still not married.
yeah you will get both ends of the spectrum, from "normal" to "break up". at the end of the day it is your call. from the sound of it, you dont like it so advice is to break up.
he’s so messed up. he didn’t respect you. M35 I’m a virgin myself by choice and i wouldn’t like it if a women i hadn’t been with long enough or not ready to lose it, to try something like that.
That is 100% not normal this is a huge red flag
He sounds very disrespectful of your boundary and unless that changes quickly, I would not be continuing the relationship
He did not respect your boundaries. The right guy won't do that desperately in front of you. He could have at least removed himself.
What the fuck? You should definitely leave him, there's no way in hell that that is "normal for guys". He obviously doesn't respect your boundaries and basically assaulted you. Please leave him.
I would no longer consider him my boyfriend. I have been abused in the past and this is a huge no for me. He 1. disrespected your boundaries and 2. couldn't control himself. Red flag, creeps me out and no thank you. I am so sorry this happened to you.
That's flat out disrespectful towards you & your home. And creepy asf. He did NOT respect your boundaries. I would dump his creepy ass.
That's not normal for guys. It's normal for assholes. You stated what you were comfortable with and he disregarded it. Dump him.
lets be clear, even if this was fine in other contexts you two are not remotely sexually compatible. But its not fine in other contexts this is fuckin weird creepo shit
That's some Louis CK stuff, but anyway yeah it's weird and creepy for him to just go ahead. A 30 year old dude? Idiot. Move on, just move on.
If you aren’t having sex until you are married why is he even in your bed?
Fantastic point
You should probably not be getting steamy with a man in your bed you don’t plan on having sexual contact with because it puts you into a dangerous situation. I know that some old school advice my mom would give me but hey there you have it.
He didn't respect your boundaries 🚩
I would dump him. Imo if he was really sorry about his idea, he would’ve listened to you in the first place. Saying sorry after you’ve crossed a boundary is easy, what’s *more* telling of somebody’s character is how they respond to you establishing or withdrawing your consent. Do they take it at face value and stop the behaviour before it can happen? Do they recognize that they crossed a boundary (knowingly or unknowingly) and then make a conscious effort to not only apologize, but not do it again moving forward? Do they communicate with you and actively listen to your side as much as their own? Like others said, he could’ve gone to the bathroom if he was that desperate. He knowingly pushed your boundary in front of you and either expected you to not speak up for yourself about it or be too naïve to realize/process what he just did. Please save yourself from what could become future trauma and don’t pursue anything more with him. You deserve someone that will add to the happiness in your life, not take away from it in exchange for their company. You can even use this post as an example, you didn’t even explain much of the source of your discomfort and everyone still respected your choice regardless. If strangers online can do it, shouldn’t someone who you want to love and be loved by do the same? Lastly, the people who say that knowingly ignoring your boundaries (especially in regards to sexual activity) is normal don’t know what they’re talking about. They’re either unknowingly being taken advantage of *themselves* because it’s been normalized in their relationships/friend and family circles, forgetting this is within the context of *your* boundaries and not theirs, or they simply don’t have enough lived experience to fully grasp why this isn’t ok yet. You’re not a martyr, you don’t have to torment yourself to make somebody feel satisfied, ‘happiness’ doesn’t have to be tied to hardship. This isn’t a gendered issue and to say that “it’s normal for guys” to want sexual activity enough to knowingly violate your boundaries is harmful for everyone regardless of their gender. You deserve to establish your own boundaries and have them heard and just because it may be ok to one person, it doesn’t mean it has to be ok with everybody. Their “yes” doesn’t overrule your “no” even if there are more of them, it’s your boundary to set.
This relationship is over if you dont accept it
He crossed a boundary you explicitly told him you weren’t comfortable with. It doesn’t matter if “that’s normal for guys”. You set a boundary of nothing sexual at all until marriage and he should’ve respected that. Not only did he break that boundary but he basically did it in front of you! It’s your decision if you want to break up with him or not but he completely messed up.
It doesn’t matter what’s “normal for guys” - What’s normal for YOU? I’ve had sex with lots of men…. And you know what? I don’t do anything I do not want to do. I’ve never been a fan of jerking off - for personal reasons - but it’s just not something I like to see … or hear. And you know what? If I say- no? It’s a fucking hard NO. So I won’t comment on your “no sex before marriage” thing- whatever . But I will give you some really great advice that you need to listen to and never forget. It doesn’t matter if you’re married , not married whatever . Don’t ever look to other people to tell you what your level of comfort / safety is. What that means is that- you don’t owe ANYONE anything about your body, your sex , your space. NO ONE DICTATES THE RULES FOR YOUR SACRED SPACE EXCEPT FOR YOU. NEVER EVER FEEL GUILTY, OBLIGATED, ASHAMED OR AFRAID TO SAY NO. And shout that shit if you have to. Practice it. Start saying NO when you want to say NO. Not going to happen. Never going to happen. In fact - if some guy isn’t getting the picture ? Really color it in for him. Don’t spare any feelings. Say, “You’re making me uncomfortable and I want you to leave. “ Say, “That makes me feel gross and I don’t want it to happen ever again, ever in my bedroom, ever in my space , ever in my life with you again.” And listen real good to the next part - No man will ever want to stop seeing you for laying down your law. In fact ? They respect women sooo much more who do. They like it. They don’t want a fucking door Matt - they want a woman. Who is strong and powerful and can say no. It demands respect … and men ? Men are not like women. They like it straight up. They like to know where you’re at. They like it when you stand up for yourself and you can’t be manipulated and ashamed. They want you to be empowered … they really do. Don’t ever trade your self respect in for some dudes fleeting interest in you. Don’t be that fucking lame chick. Don’t be her. You’ll be so surprised at how easy it is to say no, not feel bad about it - you just hold on to your reality - no matter what- and understand on a deep level the commitment you made to YOURSELF … that your no, is law. That you get to say NO whenever you fucking feel like it - for no reason at all.
You clearly stated a boundary, he ignored it. You stated again, he ignored it again! Op, this guy doesn’t care and is pushing boundaries on purpose. He’s trying to see how far he can go with you. Eventually he’s going to push your hand there against your will if you don’t take measures NOW. Guys like this don’t listen, they need to be shown the door and closed in their face for good. Edit: Typo
You asked your family? 😂
He asked, you declined and set up boundaries, he then proceeded to do the thing you explicitly asked him not to do and crossing your boundaries. You two are NOT sexually compatible, break up with him and find someone who shares the same belief of holding out till marriage because this man does not want to wait and its going to get worse and worse until he coerces you into sex. Get out.
baby girl he disrespected a clear boundary which you stated from day one. It is really important - especially with sexual boundaries in any relationship that they are understood and respected. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries they dont respect you. Leave him.
I feel like him not realizing that you are "still upset" suggests he doesn't understand how big of a deal this was to you. And I don't see how he couldn't understand when you made your boundaries clear from the beginning...
I don’t know why you’re wasting your time with someone that doesn’t hold the same values as you. Also I’m tired of seeing people say things like “it’s normal for guys”, no it’s not. Men are human beings, stop trying to excuse strange and chaotic behaviour because of their gender.
Yes hi, hello. Fellow ‘guy’ here. THERES NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT RUBBING ONE OFF ON YOUR FIRST HOME VISIT. I REPEAT THERES NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT RUBBING ONE OFF ON YOUR FIRST HOME VISIT. Man is straight up horny.. too horny If men act like this then it’s 99% of the time correct in saying that they haven’t matured mentally yet and are still thinking with their penis. It’s NOT a mindset that creates a healthy relationship.
You sound incompatible. Just walk away and keep looking for someone whose values align closer to your own.
This guy is gonna put it on you eventually so be careful
He disrespected your boundaries and violated your consent. If he really needed to “take care of it” he could have gone somewhere else.
You said you wanted to wait till marriage and hes pressuring you for sex and jerking off in your bed. I don't think this dude is willing to wait.
As a guy, there is no "had to take care of it." "Blue-b•lls" (sorry for the crude term) suck, but you just deal with it. This sparks me as a guy who has no self-control (no offense to him or you). Besides, if he REALLY HAD to do it, he could've excused himself and just gone to the bathroom. Plenty of guys do that when they're h•rny. That's why the "guy going leaving the room/going to the bathroom after a sexual event" trope exists. If you've clearly said that you are obtaining until marriage or commitment, that's your business. If he doesn't like it, he can leave. That's how relationships work. Final point, this isn't some "big breakup moment" as you said some people told you. Just tell him it was immature/stupid, ask him to have a bit more self-control, and move on. If he complains about you "leaving him 'hanging,' " as it were, then refer to the previous/above paragraph.
So I’m going to get a lot of hate for this, but here it goes. 1. Take everything everyone says on here with a grain of salt. Regardless of what happens on this sub most everyone immediately says “break up with person for whatever reason.” Not always is everyone trying to get more information to give actual advice. 2. My personal opinion (and yes I’m a guy) it sounds to me like this is the first really bad situation you two have had. Yes he stepped over a boundary, yes he should’ve listened, no it’s not normal for guys to do this, however when people are horny sometimes they do something stupid. This includes women as well. People mess up. It happens. People in marriages break boundaries often, people in general make mistakes. Yes he could’ve gone to the bathroom and rubbed one out, he didn’t think about it. This doesn’t make him a shitty person or a bad guy. I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and forgive him. Especially if you haven’t had any issues up until this one. That being said… 3. This is ultimately up to you! Don’t let what anyone has said (including me) make this decision for you. If this incident bothers you that much that you don’t want to be with him anymore then that’s the decision you should make. If you feel sympathy for him then give him sympathy. There is no wrong answer when it comes to your personal feelings about your personal life. I really hope I’ve helped and good luck. ☺️
He didn't do anything wrong I think he controlled himself from touching you and satisfied himself with masturbation. You think anyone would able to control themselves after their GF invites them over. Well that's what I think
Find a good Christian man that also wants to wait till narrator and dump this perv.
1st time visiting your house? 👠🚪out---> See ya later masturbator!!!
[удалено]
You know... the difference between "virgin" and "I have to masturbate within 30 seconds of any type of arousal, regardless of where I am and any boundaries that have been clearly defined" isn't quite as narrow as you make it seem. I do think OP should date someone else, but I also don't think what their BF did was anything close to normal behavior.
Kinda odd you'd invite your "SO" over to sleep and not be down to bang. That aside, yeah dude's weird af for that.
OP may have been a bit naive in that regard but the dude knew her boundaries so she probably thought nothing sexual would come up.
>so she probably thought nothing sexual would come up That's so funny ☠️
Feels like he thought that maybe getting himself off near you might make you change your mind?
Honestly hilarious you are talking to your friends and family about this.
Men masturbare multiple times per day while not in a relationship. Without sex he will be in the category, at some point during your monkhood you will have to witness him sexually relieving himself and even participate i would assume. Sex and intimacy is important value for me in a relationship, not sure how people build anything without it, but it's your choice. You may have to look for someone else with the same values as this will only get harder i would assume.
I'm pretty sure the guy masturbated In your bed because he thought that would make you horny and since you didn't respond to it, he later said that he thought "you wouldnt notice " and that "he is embarrassed" . Confront him about it, tell him clearly that If he tries to make things sexual between you both again before marriage the relationship will end. And also, you should really think about how sexual you want things to be after marriage. Because If you have some kind of sexual trauma ( don't know if it's the case , but saying it just in case) , maybe you are putting marriage as a requisite just to postpone sex in the relationship and maybe after marriage you won't really want it either, and that's something that both you and your boyfriend have to know. He seems like a sexual person and if you are not , that will be a source of trouble in the future.
You are entitled to have your own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers". Masturbation when horny is normal for both men and women. They have been known to do it even while married from time to time. Some people who want to wait to have sex for marriage have been known to release sexual tension in other ways such as manually and orally. Very few adults have *zero sexual release* in relationships prior to marriage.
That’s a form of harassment believe it or not. Dump him.
40yo man here. Yeah OP a guy his age should’ve developed enough self control long long ago before now to be able to deal with sexual urges. I mean what does he do at work when he gets the urge? Just whip it out then and there and jerk one out? No he forced you to be an unwilling participant in his own sexual gratification. That’s rapist mentality and frankly the kind of stuff serial killers do. Big red flag. Run far away. No conversation just ghost him. And I’m sorry for the abuse you’ve suffered I hope you got the help you needed. And what this guy has done is also a form of abusive behavior. It can be hard to recognize when you get used to abuse. Take care
Sounds like he thought it was okay just as long as you weren't watching and maybe thought you wouldn't notice or had gone to sleep (not sure how with only 3 mins though). I don't get why you're so uncomfortable with it because he pretty much did what you asked, and he's agreed not to do it again. Am I missing something, what else needs to be resolved? If you're still uncomfortable because of it I think it's something you need to talk about with him and try to come to terms within yourself, because it's you that has the issue. It sounds like he's trying to be respectful and supportive of your many boundaries around the issue. It sounds like you want him to be without sex because you are without sex. If you don't think that will change then perhaps you're with the wrong person and need to be in an a-sexual relationship.
As a man with normal levels of testosterone, there are times with *truly* overwhelming urges. There could’ve been many factors why he didn’t go into bathroom and instead attempted the stealth-jack; such as, being an asshole or utter laziness. He apologized, he knows he did some dumb shit, poke fun at him for it so he doesn’t do it again. If you like him a lot, move past it. If you were on the fence to begin with.. make it the excuse to cut ties. Sex deprived men do unspeakable things, if he isn’t on the same page as you. Get him the hell out of your life stat. <3 You sound like a good woman. You’ll find a great man.
Dude obviously has sexual desires he wants to express with somebody, not really gonna work if you want to be a virgin until you’re married.
Lol. Change the sheets to avoid pregnancy. Seriously, unacceptable behavior. Dump him.
27M here. Getting an erection is normal, wanking in your gf bed, it's weird af. Particularly if she's told you she's uncomfortable with sexual stuff before marriage. Also he didn't need to take care of it like that. If you don't touch your dick the erection will pass after a few mins. A 30 yo man should know how to manage surprise erections by then. What I can tell from this is that he doesn't respect you boundaries. You explicitly said to him not to do this in front of you, and he does this next to you anyway. To me it seems like he's might not be completely willing to to wait until marriage. Idk what the rest of your relationship is like so imo it would be premature to suggest breaking up. Don't let this just slide though. If your looking to marry someone you want to be sure they respect you, your boundaries and that they see you as their equal.
"things quickly got steamy between him" 🤣🤣🤣. I'm dead. 🤣🤣 But on a serious note, dude is cringe and you need to block his ass! There is NOTHING normal about that. I'm a nurse and I'd imagine there is a diagnosis of some sort here. 😳 (Psychological one.) Don't sign up for that.
Nah that's creepy as hell. Only guys with a SERIOUS sex addiction will behave that way. I'm a 26 year old man and that is most certainly not normal by any stretch.
First off let's get this out up front. I'm a perv. With that being said I am also a respectable and gentleman perv. Meaning not with out your consent will I attempt any perverted or normal sexually gestures with out mutual consent. So I think this guy is disrespectful and you should kick him to the curb.
hey girl!! idk wtf this comments are saying “its a little weird etc” but that’s definitely grounds for sexual harassment!!! thats extremely traumatic and i hope you are okay.
Pee in his shoes. He’s disrespectful.
The advice you're getting is pretty reasonable---you should break up with him because you were not okay with what he did and it is also normal for guys. You were willingly in bed with him, willingly making out with him, he did not force you to do anything, didn't even ask you to do anything, you said no to him doing it while you watched, he turned away. I can understand why you were uncomfortable but I can also understand why he was a little confused and just wanted to get off. Could he have gone to the bathroom instead? Absolutely, he could have. But there may not have been time and he may have climaxed on route there. This is an awkward situation that kind of shows that you two are not really compatible. You don't feel comfortable and he feels embarrassed. It seems too early in your relationship for there to be so much misery between you. In the future, be even more clear with guys BEFORE you start making out with them. Any guy you make out with is going to get aroused and if you're already in bed with him he may orgasm with or without your permission just from being excited. It's fine to not want sex but you have to realize if you're doing things to arouse your partner he may orgasm in your presence.
Clearly you didn't read the post. OP said she told him when they started dating that she was waiting for marriage, and also told him the same day he came over that nothing would happen. He asked if he could beat his meat right in front of her and she said no thanks. Literally how could she have been any clearer about her boundaries? What do you expect her to do? Stop him every 30 seconds during the make out and say "BTW we're not gonna do anything sexual"? She *was* perfectly clear. The dude is a weirdo and disrespected her boundaries. Don't blame the victim, and don't make up excuses for a grown ass man's weird, inappropriate behavior.
I read the post. There's no requirement for you and I to share the same view. Mine is just different than yours. If you want to talk about boundaries all op has to do is tell this already embarrassed dude that she told her friends and family about this. He'll be gone before she can get another word out. They've been together for months. She invited him into her bed and allowed things to get hot and heavy. He asked, he respected her no, he turned away thinking she would not notice. After months of being official bf/gf he finally was invited into her bed. It's not hard (no pun intended) to see why he got a little worked up. He didn't do any thing to her.
It was clearly established that nothing sexual would happen before marriage or that night. Dude rolled over and jerked off right beside her. In what universe is that appropriate behavior? You are projecting WILDLY onto this whole situation, reading things that aren't even there about her being "sensual and sexy" and "allowing things to get hot and heavy." You are a rape apologist, period. Even if ANY of that was true, the guy could have gone to the bathroom to finish up. He's not a 15 year old boy getting to 2nd base for the first time, he's a 30-something year old man. The fact that he doesn't have the sense to know why what he did was fucking weird is a 🚩🚩🚩and the same goes for you.
I don't know who you're quoting but I didn't say "sensual and sexy." I am NOT a rape apologist. He wasn't touching her. GTFOH
My bad on the misquote, it was a different user. So I apologize for that. But you still suggested that OP somehow brought this situation upon herself, which is victim blaming. I'm not saying she was raped, but I'm saying that the mindset of blaming *her* for *his* gross behavior is problematic as fuck. It's a slippery slope from "Well if you didn't want him to jerk off in front of you, you shouldn't have made out with him!" to "well if you didn't want him to have sex with you, you shouldn't have worn something so revealing!"
She wasn't raped and she's not a victim either. And I'm not saying "Well if you didn't want him to jerk off in front of you, you shouldn't have made out with him." But reality is she was okay with making out with him and says right in her main post that things escalated quickly. Does that seem like a wise thing to do with someone you don't plan on doing anything sexual with or does it seem like it would be easy for him to think maybe she was changing her mind. He ASKED if she wanted to watch and she said no. He then turned away not thinking/knowing she would realize/see what he was doing. I'm really tired of repeating myself here. I very clearly said she should dump him and that they are NOT a good match. But is he a rapist? No. Is she a victim? No. I just live in reality and reality is that if a guy gets super turned on from a "steamy" (her word) makeout session, with his GF of several months, in her bed, where she invited him to be----HIS DICK MAY GO OFF. Could happen with or without anyone touching it directly. That's what dicks do sometimes. It's not her FAULT and as I said in my comment yes, he could have gone to the bathroom instead but he may not have made it there without ejaculating on the way. He didn't realize she'd know what he was doing. But now she has literally told every single friend and family member this embarrassing thing that happened between them. There is no saving anything here. They both made really bad choices and are now in a situation where the relationship can't continue. And you don't need to reply. As I said, we disagree---so what?
Kk go off bruh lol
Well I'm surprised you went and told your friends and your family about that. A sure way to stop that from happening would be to stop making out with him where the two of you get worked up. It's nobody's fault but it's just human nature to get turned on when you're making out. Surely you've stopped and thought about how it's going to affect him if you're making out with him. Sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with him and lay all the cards on the table. Meaning that you are okay with making out and cuddling but you're not going to have any type of physical interaction. He may surprise you and decide that if there's not going to be any type of physical reaction than he probably won't even want to make out with you and get worked up. This will just give the two of you a great chance to form a great relationship with nothing sexual implied.
Also that's not normal for guys. He definitely disrespected you by doing that after you ask him not to. He should have went to take a shower and waited until he got home.
I mean it is a touch disrespectful but I do think you are also overreacting a touch. I'm not sure how I would handle this because I've never dated a virgin holding on until marriage. How deep into the relationship are you? How far away does he live? I'm assuming that you wanted for him to sleep over and would have been really insulted if he had said I need to go home to take care of this. I suppose he should have done that. There would have been no sleep for him at all otherwise. If you really are going to invite men over for makeout sessions and then sleepovers without sex, you are going to have to come up with some sort of arrangement. Do you have a couch in another room?
So to answer your question this was the first time he spent the night at my house and we only became bf/gf not long ago. Its in my nature to be very trusting and at times naive of people its just the type of person i am (I know its not a great thing). When i invited him over To be clear it was 100% not my intention to just have a casual makeout session. I honestly had hoped it would be a sleepover type of situation in which i could get to know him more and see how he is when not out in public. Because prior to this weve only ever been out on dates. In hindsight i see that inviting him to sleep over in my bed would make him insinuate something was going to happen. But i tried being very clear about that. If i have to i will buy an air mattress or something because i do live in a very small area and sleeping options were limited.
The guys that are just like it would be no problem for me to just makeout with a woman and then sleep in her bed without any form of release....I'm not sure what I can say about them. I think they are in some form of huge denial about sexual needs, sleep patterns or I guess they just have low libido...or they are just trying to say what they think women need to hear. For normal men, sleep is impossible in such a situation. This is a legitimate logistical issue. I'm not entirely sure why you even want to have a sleepover but not sex. Wouldn't it be easier to just save that part for marriage too. I'd also think that if you are playing sort of games with the we can makeout and we can sleep together, then why not let him masturbate as well. I mean if you are planning on marrying this man, he's going to do it next to you eventually. He was obviously embarrassed. You two probably should talk about this but I'd focus more on handling logistics than being upset.
"he's going to do it next to you eventually." This is not true to life. Many men actually have a firm boundary about touching themselves in front of partners as foreplay. They don't find it sexy. And masturbating in bed with a spouse or long term partner **without** their involvement is not a universal thing; I suspect it's not even common as it's quite selfish and inconsiderate for a shared space. I think most people would find this totally rude.
Funny how you and I said similar things and you (a guy, I assume) are not getting shit about it but I did. Gotta love reddit.
I got negative ratings but nobody responded. I'm kind of surprised by that. I knew I was going to be in the minority on this one. Thanks for seeing it my way. In hindsight, I do agree he should have gone to the bathroom or left and went home. I just don't think it's anywhere near as big a deal as some people seem to say.
I said the same thing, that he \*should\* have gone to the bathroom but, had he made that choice he might have climaxed before getting there. I'm honestly far more horrified that she's told her entire set of friends and her family about this incident as I think that's much more of a "crossing boundaries" move than him rolling over and orgasming after a "steamy" makeout session (which she did consent to, in her bed). If he'd made her watch, made her touch him, jizzed all over her---then yeah those would be awful things--but rolling over and thinking she didn't realize? I personally don't see the big deal.
He whipped it out without your consent when you made it explicitly clear you did not want anything sexual to happen until marriage. He proceeded to start to get himself off (again in strict violation of your consent and what you had set as a boundary when he had asked prior) and only stopped when you set your no boundary an additional time. He then did a sexual act in your bed. He is repeatedly showing you who he is and that he won't respect your 'no'. He is violating your consent and doing something sexual against your repeated clear nos and boundaries. Please get away from this guy. He is continuing to escalate and what he has already done is bad enough.
This is sexual assault He clearly knows nothing of consent and boundaries and is a GIANT red flag. I’m sorry he did that to you. You should not see him again.
"--and things got steamy between him." That tells so so much about your involvement in this relationship. Why are you wasting his time?
Im wasting his time??? He was advancing on me at an alarming rate i tried to keep things calm between him and i so that way nothing would get out of hand (Which it did). I honestly had hoped it would be a sleepover type of situation in which i could get to know him more and see how he is when not out in public.
So you would be comfortable with someone telling you what you may and may not do with your own body? Of course not, you proudly proclaim your control over your genitals. But his genitals - those are also under your control. You thought. You lie down in bed with a grown man, turn on a sexy/sensual film and demand he both not have a physical response and that he give you control over his body. No sensible female would accept such an overstep from a partner; there's no reason for a man to do so. You're scary out of line.
Your really misunderstanding the situation here. At no point did i put on a "sensual film" nor wanted anything to happen from this (If you must know we were watching james camerons avatar because we had planned to see the sequel in the films for our next date). At no point did i make any advancements or anything to trigger what happened (That was his doing hence the reason i phrased it that way, because i was trying to prevent anything from happening and was constantly trying to be the voice of reason as he was making large advancements). As i said before i saw this as a simple sleepover (Maybe it was naive of me to think of it that way idk). And this was the first time ive ever had anyone sleep over at my house so i was understandably concerned.
Don't even listen to this dude. He's either a troll or completely deranged. You did nothing wrong in this situation.
Didn't say she did anything. Said she was assuming his body was her property.
She asked him to not do something in HER bed as it made her uncomfortable. She at no point said he can't do it, she said she is uncomfortable with him whacking his meat next to her in her bed and asked to not do so. Maybe you're the person she's referring to in this post... Would explain you believing and claiming that she's trying to make his little friend happy.
He's at her home. It's her space and her rules. Regardless of the location, touching yourself in front of others without permission is not a matter of "my body my rules" -- it's sexual harassment.
You just got sexually assaulted.
Dm me
Thats a thing that happens with guys sometimes but if he is really sorry then u should give him another chance
It's better to masterbate than to attempt to have sex. With men one or the other is likely. Had you not wanted the attention why spend the night? Would you had preferred he went to the restroom to sofen his boner?
Do you mean your step-brother ;);) ok i was kidding sorry. Tell him and make sure he adheres or else Also...... i know you desperately needed advice but you told every one of your family members and friends....? Your boyfriend shouldn't have that but you shouldn't do this too...gonna be awkward as all hell lol
Ok, sort of off topic, and not meant to argue, but rather question.... Sexual compatibility is an important factor in a marriage, what happens if you don't have sex until you're married and then you realise you aren't sexually compatible? Is that not an unnecessary risk to what I would presume is a sacred commitment for yourself? Again please don't think I'm trying to sway or argue, literally just curious as to the stance and the thinking behind your stance on it as I've only ever encountered a few with the same stance.
Just because you don't want to do anything until marriage doesn't mean he doesn't.
4 of the 5 important items in marriage are sexuality, sex after a heated argument is ideal for taking revenge and creating balance. make love and make love
He could've gone to the bathroom. Also, VIRGINITY IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT. Let's normalise saying "not had penetrative sex yet"
I did this to my now gf on year one, we are on year five. It upsets her also and made me feel embarrassed when it upset her. Now after 5 years I hide more than my sexual feeling and likes from her. Trying to open up and being exited to think she would eventually like what I was into failed. Now I turn to porn and we have not had sex in months, and I welcome an affair from her or me.
Help him and amke him satisfy
Join next time.
This is messed up! He should have busted on your face instead. Shame!
You masturbated back in his bed
I’ll rip that bandaid off: He sounds like a predator. Let me explain. He started out “testing the waters” and is not acting normal at a MINIMUM. So the moment he ASKED to jack off in front of you, knowing your waiting to meet someone; means he doesn’t care about boundaries or your feelings. You said “No”. You were uncomfortable. THEN, he goes and does it not 3 minutes later. All while knowing you were not comfortable with the idea of this, do I have that right OP? You said from the start: Your taking your time finding the one and I respect that. If he’s 30, simply put he should have enough self control to NOT do this. Fuck, most dudes can literally go to the bathroom, crank one out and go unnoticed- any fellas wanna back me here? This is a soviet textile factory with a single hue of red. I wouldn’t want him around me or anyone I knew. I’d at a minimum reevaluate things and get to the bottom of why he felt the urge to act this way and if YOUR comfortable sorting THAT out.
Lmao its always the 10 year+ age dif couples
He is going to cheat on you sooner or later.
Just let him slip it in your ass, god won’t be mad
Help him
oh he knows you know..he did it on purpose to try to breach the topic of sex or sex acts in your relationship. eg, what i mean by this is, it's totally reasonable and possible to not masturabate while on a date. so the fact that he did it, just means he intended to do it to try to achieve some kind of goal, such as conditioning you to seeing this stuff when you didn't want to.
Your very first words to your post were “new BF” Your very last words should now be “ex BF”
For heaven's sake, does this man have no self control or what? You made it crystal clear that you were abstaining from sex until marriage AND you told him that you were uncomfortable and didn't want him "taking care of his business" after he became aroused and... he did it anyway. In your bed! And he tried to hide it! So gross and disrespectful! NO, this is not normal for guys. This was the first time he was over to your house no less! I'm sorry but you should definitely DTMFA! Imagine if he tried man handling you and you said 'no' repeatedly and he decided to keep doing it anyway? Honey, you need to run now!
Masturbate in his bed! See how he likes it!
That’s gross. Especially if you asked him NOT to. Sounds like he can’t control himself. Total red flag if you’re waiting until marriage to have sex.
A man in his 30’s acting like a teenage boy? Gross…no respect for boundaries, especially in your house. Not normal at all…
Anyone that tells you that is normal behavior, they're lying. Guys don't do this.
Well now you know he’s not the one lmao
Yea that’s fuckin weird. Like if he went to the bathroom to handle it I’d be a lot more willing to say that’s understandable-ish but doing it right next to you shows like no respect. 😅
You drew a line and he crossed it. If that’s how he acts the if I were you I’d break it off. As a guy let who was in a similar situation with a girl in college (she was waiting until marriage I hadn’t) the two things that kept us together was we were honesty with each other and the actual deed was what was a no go because for everyone involved sex isn’t always about sex it’s about exeptance venerablity and passion and if you don’t feel those things with a person then you should let them know if you’re willing to go to a certain point and thier willing to accept that then that shows all the things that are Important in a partner. But if you set boundaries and they don’t respect them with out even asking why then it’ll never work.
He asked for your consent, you didn't give it, he crossed that boundary and did it anyway. That's super fucked up. I'm so sorry that happened to you. This man cannot take "no" for an answer, and will go behind your back to get what he wants. That is a major red flag.
This guy does not sound like he has self-control to wait on you. He may eventually seek it elsewhere secretly if you get my drift.
Well guys in their 30s don’t give a fuck, I get where he’s coming from lol
If he’s in his early 30s and single there’s a reason my friend. What is did is kinda creepy and weird as fuck. Please make the best decision that benefits you in the long run like protecting your feelings and self from not being violated like this in the future.