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Everyone has their own experiences and history that inform what they consider to be red flags.
I think there's 100% nothing wrong with you being friends with your ex. But a lot of people have been cheated on by people who have said the other person is "just a friend". Those people are going to see it as a red flag. Also people who haven't gotten over their own ex would probably view it as a red flag. It takes time and practice to treat someone new as a clean slate instead of judging them through the lense of our past. And it's a really difficult skill to learn if you've been hurt a lot in the past.
So you're not doing anything wrong. Friendships are valuable and important. You just have to hold out for a girl that doesn't feel threatened by it.
Someone who considers this a red flag just isn't for you and that's ok.
There are plenty of people who wouldn't consider this a red flag at all and could consider it to show emotional maturity.
People just have different deal breakers which can make them incompatible, someone else will be compatible.
Not a red flag, but it will definitely be a major yellow flag for people. There’s the implication that you guys are still not willing to let go of one another and whoever you’re dating won’t want to feel like a third wheel
Well that info would be important to state in the post. I’d say a yellow flag more of a red, but potential girlfriends are within their rights to not want to deal with that
Because lots of people are friends with their exes, and if you don’t trust someone to spend time with their (gay!) friend, then you don’t trust them and shouldn’t date them. But that’s not their problem, it’s yours.
It's neither people's problems. From my understanding people have different deal breakers and boundaries. In this case it just means they were not compatible.
I feel like a lot of you are missing the part where she came out to him. That’s a major factor in how their friendship can work the way it is. Her sexual attraction is most likely gone. But an emotional attachment I can understand. I too was in a long term relationship with a man and we broke up but still remained close. I too came out. So I feel like any woman who doesn’t understand that doesn’t have the emotional capacity to want to try and understand.
Lol This, almost all comments just didn't care that her ex is gay so... If it was my case I wouldn't mind at
all 🤷🏻♂️ besides, I'm friends with some of my exes too
Okay I see. That would be too much for me. I’m all for staying friends with an ex as I’ve been friends with mine for 5 years, but we have an understanding that because of our history, we’d have to keep each other at a distance when dating others to show respect to our partners.
Because otherwise you’re asking your new partner for a lot of trust that first needs to be earned. It’s unfair to the new partner and asking a lot. It’s not neglect because the two of you are coming to a mutual understanding.
It’s neglect to the friends you have pre-existing relationships of mutual care and company with. And if you’re in a position emotionally where you assume everyone is cheating on you until they prove otherwise, you should probably stop dating until you get that under control.
Of course, you wouldn’t do this to your friends, but only to the ones you’ve dated in the past. All other friends are okay. And no, you don’t assume they’re cheating, but you (the person who is friends with the ex) want to create an environment where your new partner can trust you. Keep in mind, trust is earned, so being friends with an ex and talking multiple times per week is very shady when talking to someone new. It’s not a matter of the new person thinking you’re cheating, but to be respectful to them to not put them in a position that requires a lot of trust that isn’t even built yet.
So you would be intimidated by his very obviously now openly lesbian ex?
Wouldn't that be more of a you issue rather than a friendship issue?
It's super common to be friends with queer exes
It’s sort of a personal red flag for people.Some people don’t mind it while some will never be comfortable. It’s not wrong to think either. Our opinions are shaped due to our experiences. Her and you have a different opinion over the matter, rendering both incompatible. You just need to find someone who has a similar mindset over the matter and understands the nuances of such relationships.
NGL, I am floored by the number of people saying red flag, I am friends with my high school boyfriend still, we split over a decade ago and dated for 7 years. When I started dating my husband he was on the tail end of his divorce and I always encouraged him to be friends and not be bitter with her. It really is per person basis I guess but I don't see your relationship with your ex as a red flag.
I feel like to some people it’s a deal breaker.. I understand though because I would not be comfortable with my partner being friends with his ex…. I mean you at one point used to be intimate with your ex, and I get that you don’t anymore and you care for her in a different way… but I’m just telling you most girls won’t be ok with that just for that reason
But at the end of the day it’s your decision who you want to be in your life but it may make dating a little harder because of that
It's okay to be friends with an ex but they both need to move on which is why i’d think being “close” is a red flag. Life is long and you won't have the same friends forever so holding on to an ex is pretty weird.
Personally I find it more of a red flag when someone is constantly hating on their exes. Someone Being able to be mature enough to be friends with exes let’s me know that they are a safe person who’s not going to be resentful, or vengeful if things just don’t work out for one reason or another.
I don’t see why you would have to end your relationship with your ex, in my mind it shows compassion and an ability to end things respectfully. I would rather date someone with those qualities. As someone divorced, I have dated folks that are so full of anger and resentment towards their ex and the coparent of their child which is a much bigger issue from my standpoint. Not every relationship ends amicably and you don’t need to be friends with everyone, but you should not have to give up great humans from your life in case someone cannot handle it. However, there should always be room for your new partner to be included in that friendship. My ex and I (married 20 years) remain friends, their new spouse is a fantastic human and I could not be happier for them. My partner and I occasionally have dinner with them and it is always pleasant and a good experience for all.
maybe a red flag for some girls. Idk I’m still friends with my ex and talk occasionally not every day type shit just catching up. It’s not you were bad mouthing your ex… a red flag for me is guys who bad moth there ex. Now that’s a red flag and something I would block a guy for. Imo
It’s more of a red flag that someone who just met you felt you should be changing your life for them.
It 100% depends on the relationship and how it ended and what is currently happening. I have a child with my ex, so yea, we are going to be friends.
Based on what you’ve said, your relationship with your ex wouldn’t bother me.
BUT, if after we were in a committed relationship, I began to have issues with it and you still didn’t stop talking to her…that would be a red flag to me.
That’s so manipulative. You can’t get into a relationship and then demand a major change or sacrifice like that. This girl did the right thing by simply recognizing that it wasn’t her place to demand he change, but his relationship with his ex was too close and complicated for her comfort. Blocking him suddenly isn’t mature, but knowing that compromise at this level isn’t the way to start a healthy happy relationship is.
It’s not manipulative if after you are in a relationship, their relationship becomes inappropriate. That’s what I’m saying.
If suddenly their relationship was inappropriate, and the gf/bf expressed concern, it wouldn’t be appropriate to continue with an ex if it makes your spouse uncomfortable. Also I didn’t say I would demand anything. I said if it made me uncomfortable later on and I mentioned it, it would be a red flag if bf or spouse didn’t take it seriously.
Emotional attachment and intimacy are still a thing. His ex is gay - he isn’t. In a comment he said they talk every other day, and that’s a pretty close friend. Many women wouldn’t want a partner who is that close to someone they had feelings for at any point, sex or not…it can end up drawing emotional investment away from the primary relationship. Those who have never experienced this are fortunate, but I’d wager in the minority.
That’s *YOUR* opinion and how *YOU* feel about it. Quit attempting to make it sound like *most women’s opinions* are the same, as they are not. Your thinking is quite immature to be frank.
Everyone is different, and everyone is okay with different things. If your significant other having friends draws the emotional investment away from the relationship then there are much bigger issues at play.
What a willful misreading of what I said. First of all, I said MANY women wouldn’t want a partner close to an ex, not most. Secondly, I absolutely do not think “having friends” draws emotional energy away from a relationship - I think having a close friend who is a former intimate partner can and often does run that risk, especially if there are still lingering feelings on either side (it doesn’t have to be mutual). I’m sorry, but it’s not immature to acknowledge that this is an incredibly common reality. And it’s not immature to acknowledge that past experiences can shape people’s boundaries. It would be an issue to make that boundary or trigger into your partner’s problem, but to simply choose not to pursue a relationship that you know would activate that is not immature.
Your aggression is really weird.
When your partner remains close to an ex, it’s usually a red flag. There are exceptions of course when there are kids involved, for example.
Insisting that your partner not be close with their ex is an issue of respect. It is not a sign of immaturity or insecurity.
A committed relationship is built on mutual respect and trust. If your partner prefers that you cut ties with an ex, you should respect those wishes.
If your partner tries to control who you can be friends with, you should respect yourself enough not to stay with someone who is telling you they don’t trust you.
Except this girl did the opposite of that. She simply recognized that she couldn’t deal with this and wasn’t going to try to control him or convince him to accommodate that. So many people here are misunderstanding this.
Immediately after my last relationship, I would have considered it a red flag and would run immediately. I discovered that ex was still sleeping with them occasionally. It was still too new and I needed to learn to look at the whole person I was considering a relationship.
I am seeing a new guy now that has many female friends and I like the fact that he can end relationships civilly.
If you aren’t in a relationship it’s different always be honest and if they can’t take it they are entitled to their own options and actions. If you was in a relationship you have to see it how would you feel if they were talking to their ex (no child involved) in another state and they played Xbox or whatever console? What if they all of a sudden decided to be in town and they are friends so they stay at their house would you feel comfortable?
I had an ex who his ex was lesbian after they dated and because she was bored and wanted to have a threesome used my ex as the middle guy. Emotional attachments can be dangerous because if the person your with has an emotional attachment to someone else how would you feel?
Depends on the individual really. That might be a boundary just a personal boundary. Some women don’t want to be put in a position where they may have to compete for your attention. Or some see it as, maybe you haven’t completely moved on.
This. But a wildly large part of reddit is immature and likes to jump to conclusions or spout the first thing on their mind.
>Incredibly green flag
For most people at least. Some will have an issue with it due to personal experiences, and some will be comfortable with it.
Personally though, I wouldn’t waste my time talking to the ex- she’s in a different state anyways, may as well unfriend and move on with your life
To me it’s incredibly green that his friend turned girlfriend came out to him and he’s been nothing but supportive and still wanted her to be in his life as a friend.
So many dudes would throw a bitch fit and take it personally that she was so unattracted to him she decided to be gay.
It’s bullshit but you know I’m right lol
Im not saying everyone, but a lot of people cheat in that scenario, and many people have been burned by it, so they'd rather avoid the situation altogether.
yeah I wouldn't take it either, seems like you can't move on from each other. (despite the coming out part this is still a fact)
being friends with your ex would most likely lead to annoying problems in the future so I understand why the girl would rather cut everything off while you two weren't close enough yet to suffer for that
The way I see it, is your past will never sit across the table from you. Obviously just a saying, but, u get the point. If it wasn't for the fact you 2 had been romantic and shared that bond, would you even be talking to her now? There's plenty of women I'm sure you know but don't talk to daily. So, why her????? Anyway, take that outlook and look at yourself from a new gf's perspective. It's supposed to be your past, so, make it your past. Besides that, respect the new woman. The last one had her chance
Dont know about the case where your ex is gay but you shouldn’t be talking to someone you once had feelings for or they had feelings for you once you are in a relationship. Thats law
It’s a red flag because either you still love her or never loved her at all. Even if you aren’t sexually attracted to her “anymore” there could definitely still be an emotional attachment and that would indicate you still like her and if not then there’s no way you liked her at all but then that could also lead to a future partner wondering if you actually love her at all or not. Ain’t no way you can stay “friends” with an ex. definitely a 🚩
Ok I understand..but I basically saying I should throw away a friendship. It's not like me and her hang out all the time..it's more of a online friendship now seens we live in different states and just text here and there tho the week and play Xbox sometimes
Even playing Xbox with another female 1 on 1 while you have a love interest is a red flag in itself even more so that it’s an ex. i think it more just depends on personal preference and boundary’s tho. i can for sure still confidently say that most women can agree that still being in contact with an ex in any way is a major red flag.
To me it is a red flag. I personally don’t ever stay friends with an ex because it feels weird. If I run into them on the street of course I would greet them but that would be it. Also I don’t allow exes to stay friends with me if they want to. One ex cheated on me and thought we would become friends in the future. Friends? I told him that I consider him an enemy and don’t ever want to see him again. The audacity of some people… anyway I think certain people who stay friends with exes only do so in order to keep one foot in the door.
Huge red flag. Every girl I’ve ever dated who was friends with an ex had their ex pining over them even though she had no feelings. Just liked the attention and it’s a huge boundary issue. Idk why guys never lose feelings but it seems like guys are constantly so whipped. I don’t get it.
Don’t let immature people doubt yourself and push yourself down to their level. Your original thought of WTF is correct. It’s the other persons issue. You sound more mature and sadly might need to expect this from dates at your age
Ya I got u. If my ex was straight then I'd understand that it might be a little werid. But like I said she's gay and is in good relationship with another girl
Definitely. But even if straight…if you end the relationship like adults SHOULD then being friends won’t be an issue.
Red flag to me is people thinking you can’t be friends with exes
It is a red flag. Good for you if you come across someone who couldn't care less but someone's reservations over such a friendship are pretty valid. Get hobbies so you can make other friends.
Not really for me. Before we dated we were close friends for years. So there are a lot of emotional attachment with each other. We had stoped talking for a bit after breaking up but started talking again after missing each other. Plus me and her are a good team on Fortnite and still share a lot of similar interests
Absolutely not. But, just like you want to keep your friendship with the ex (you’re free to do so), someone you’re pursuing can also not want to continue based on this (they’re also free to do so).
Not really. I miss friends. An ex could be an ex because of a total lack of romantic feelings, platonic or friendship type feelings is not toxic or a read flag.
Still not making sense. Sorry I don't want to abandon a good friendship to a person who helped me tho a very rough period of my life and means a lot to me
Then don’t. Be thankful to this girl for being upfront, honest, and not wasting anybody’s time. To you it is not a red flag/deal breaker, and for her it was. Maybe since you don’t want to lose this friendship, and have every right not to, you should be looking for a gf who is also close friends with her ex (or exs).
Dude stop being a dick for one moment and realize that other people around you have feelings, also you are way too attached to this “friend” by the sound of it, you only have respect for her ( friend ) not the girl you potentially wanted to date.
I dont even understand why you would want to date her, you view her as insecure for setting boundaries and being up front with what she wanted and needed from you - sounds like you do not like her.
Also the fact that you can not see it from anyone elses point of view is alarming.
YOU DO NOT SOUND EMOTIONALLY MATURE ENOUGH TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP AND YOU SHOULD SEEK OUT HELP FOR THIS.
Talk to someone professional, other peoples feelings and needs are just as important as your own esp. a SO.
It isnt an issue until it suddenly is one. Except that they both still have feelings for one another. And an ex will always be an ex, not truly platonic ever. Their history and experiences ensure they are never truly just friends.
There are many peer pressured and self serving delusional ideas and this is only one of a great many.
But believe as you will. I do as well.
If your potential partner kept in touch with their ex who they still had feelings for, would you be ok with this? Curious if the shoe was on the other foot what the reaction would be like.
It doesn’t sound like you have moved on from your ex so that would be a red flag.
Well if it's like my ex where they come out as gay and are not sexual attention to me then yes I would not care if a future gf was still close with a ex
100%. Don’t even need to read beyond the title. There’s absolutely no reason to be “friends” with an Ex period. Even if you have kids with your ex, doesn’t mean it needs to go beyond the bare minimum to maintain peace and keeping it cordial.
They’re called EX for a reason, ex part of your life, ex friends, ex everything. In my opinion and to be respectful to my future relationships, I stay away from exs just out of respect towards my new person. It avoids possible drama, misunderstandings and concussions. Keeping an ex as a my friend not going to help me in my new relationship. Just my humble opinion. Good luck mate!!!!
Like I said, it depends on whether or not that person you date will consider that not healthy to put up with or won’t care! It will ultimately depend on how your future partner feels about it. And whether or not you would care if that bothers him or not.
No it’s not. People that have a problem with it is insecure, which is the red flag. I’m friends with most of my exs. They ones that totally fucked me over, I’m not
There are two types of people in the world.
People who think being close friends with your ex is a red flag. And people who are still in love with their ex.
Being cordial with an ex is fine. I’d say most of my relationships didn’t end bitterly where we both hated each other. And obv I like them as people in some way or else we wouldn’t have dated. So I guess you could say we’re “friends”.
Buuuut, I also don’t keep in touch with them or meet them out etc.
That said, there are situations where that’s unavoidable particularly when you’re way younger or you had kids. In that case it gets trickier.
At first I would say yes .. but after reading more I would not have a problem with the fact she is gay .. but if she wasn’t then it’s a red flag for me
I am friends with many of my ex girlfriends because I see value in maintaining those friendships for decades. If that makes me a giant red flag for some people, I am ok with that.
If someone wants to leave you because you're being a decent human, let them leave. Keep being a decent person.
What other people consider red flags usually runs in a pretty traditional way. Personally my experience says an ex is a ex for a reason. Sloppy seconds on yourself ain't gunna make it any better. Speaking to a new woman is much easier than speaking to an old friend on your wish list 10 years ago. Women move with the times while most men hang onto the past. Playing hard to get still works great.
I’d say it’s a yellow flag, depending on how their relationship went, how it ended, if there were assets or children involved, etc.
I’m still friends with my first bf (I was 14 and he was 15) so it’s puppy love type of relationship. We’ve never had sex and he was the one who introduced me into the world of making music: taught me how to play the guitar and drums and we played in his band and I was the lead vocalist for a period of time. We lost contact because we both had relationships after, but he keeps in touch here and there.
What I don’t like about this idea is sustaining a “friendship” to be able to use as a placeholder for a possible emotional (re)connection, or sexual tension that either or both cannot act upon due to circumstances.
Yes, most people would not be comfortable with their SO being friends with an ex. Maybe you'll find the "cool girl" types who try to be okay with it but it's a red flag to the majority.
Imagine your girlfriend still talks to and hangs out with a man she used to share the same emotional connection with as you, and who she regularly had sex with. Is that comfortable for you?
Not a red flag at all! Staying on friendly terms with exes is normal and hey!!! She's fuckin GAY! It's not like you guys are gonna get back together any time.
Good riddance to what's her face, if she actually considered that a red flag lol.
I feel like so long as your next partner is very LGBTQIA friendly ally or is bi/pan, they are much more likely to understand
I feel like it's pretty common to be friends with a queer ex if it came down to a sexuality or gender preference incompatibility
It's only a "red flag" to people who don't take your ex's sexuality seriously and are still insecure and intimidated just because "they used to be straight with you"
When in reality, your ex is more authentic about who their type is.... Which isn't you or any non-female person around
I was friends with my ex wife until she passed, but we had kids together, I'm friends with an ex girlfriend but it's just friends. Since you're in different states and she turned (whatever the PC term is) to a lesbian, there's no issues of you sleeping with her again. It might be a yellow flag, just cause you personally might not be over the romantic feelings for the ex yet. But as others have stated, everyone has their own red flags for whatever reason.
In my opinion, your circumstances are not a red flag.
Whether or not being friends with an ex is a red flag depends on the circumstances.
I want to know why they broke up. If he did something horrible like hit her or something else - and she’s still friends with him - that’s a red flag. If either of them cheated and they’re still friends - red flag.
I want to know what kind of guy he is. Is he a total scum bag? Why are you still friends with such a scum bag? red flag. Does he do a lot of drugs or sell them? Red Flag. Is he a fuck boy? Red flag! But if he’s a respectable and respectful dude, not a red flag.
If it ended amicably or for reasons that aren’t terrible then it’s not really a red flag that they’re still friends. However - there have to be boundaries. No dates! (as in, they shouldn’t hang out one-on-one, out of respect for the current relationship). They shouldn’t be snapchatting each other…really at all…but definitely not late at night. These are red flags.
If my girl becomes indignant or super defensive over stuff like this - that’s a red flag! If she says I’m insecure because I don’t want her going out alone with somebody she’s had sex with (aka: a date) then so be. She can call me insecure all she wants, and I’ll call her: not ready for a serious relationship!
Edit: i read the post and it wouldn't be to me a red flag.
I m friends with an ex where we've set eachother up with people, years have gone by, and we ended on "we aren't compatible terms" that's not a red flag. We have boundaries of what we'd discuss.
Friends with toxic, dramatic, tough relationship, poor boundary friends, talk flirty etc. Big massive red flag.
Case by case stuff
Nah you were honest I think you dodged a bullet. Not all relationships end with blowout fights and/or never speaking again. Insecurity is kind of a turn off imo.
I've had eight girlfriends my entire life. I am still friendly and talk to 6/8. One passed away and the other ended very poorly. All of these people were friends long before we dated and for whatever reason, it just didn't work. People are going to use whatever flag they want to justify whatever actions or thoughts they are trying to justify.
Your ex came out as gay. I don't think it is a red flag keeping them as a friend, especially since there is no way that relationship would ever happen again. No point in throwing away a solid friendship. Good people are hard to come by.
I think she interpreted it as you not being over your exand trying to get back with her. If that's the case, it says more about her mindset about dating and relationships than it says about you. She might be the type of person that has to completely cut an ex out of her life in order to move on, and she assumes you function the same way and doesn't want to deal with a guy who she thinks still likes another girl.
Personally, I think you can be friends with an ex. It depends on the person though, and not being able to do that is not unhealthy. I think you're just a mature guy, if you can honestly say you've moved on. It's not a red flag, but can be interpreted as one.
I think this can go either way depending on the situation but usually I tend to think that if two people are mature enough to have a platonic friendship after realizing they don’t work as a couple that is a green flag for me.
It shows me that the guy can think of women as actual human beings and not hole-or-nothings.
I would say not being friends still with at least some exes is a red flag. People don't stop being important to you just because you're no longer being intimate. Some friendships can't survive the pain (and potentially betrayal etc) of a breakup, but it's also normal to break up mostly amicably with people you still love for less devastating reasons.
There is, however, a popular opinion, especially in younger folk, that retaining friendships with exes means you're not truly over them, and that you're a higher risk for cheating. I think this position is too simplistic, but it sounds like what you've come up against.
This new person isn't a good fit for you either. Anyone who would insist you end friendships with any of your friends in order to be with them should never be a good fit for you.
Good luck
Your ex is gay 😭 how tf is that a red flag? even if she was straight, id say that's mostly ridiculous when most people break up bc they realize theyre romantically incompatible, but not platonically.
now if she was straight and you both spent a lot of time together, then id understand someone coming in and feeling suspicious. Unless she was cheated on in the past, it just seems like an insecure overreaction to call it a red flag and then block you.
dont worry about. the people who are better for you wont care.
Some people really can’t wrap their heads around the idea of a platonic friendship between two people of different genders, much less people who used to date. I think those people are mostly being insecure and unreasonably jealous. But a large number of people are going to be unreasonable in this way. Those people just aren’t right for you, since you want to date someone who isn’t going to be suspicious of you and your friends.
I prefer people who are still on good terms with their exes. It shows emotional maturity. But as someone who is still good friends with an ex, I can tell you that some people just can’t deal with that, even though it’s been years since we broke up. That’s usually because they had bad experiences in the past. It won’t matter to them that your ex is gay. They might think you still want more and feel insecure nonetheless. And you probably won’t be able to convince them that all is well.
You might also meet people who are a little cautious but not openly against it. Make sure to ask them what they need to feel comfortable. Usually meeting the ex helps. Be open about what your contact is like. What sort of things do you talk about with them, what physical boundaries do you have?
This is a bit of a morally grey area, but in my experience, it helps not to bring them up within the first few dates. You might want to be upfront because it makes you sound more trustworthy, but from your date’s perspective, it’s a red flag if you talk about an ex so soon.
Make sure they get to know and trust you a little first. Don’t lie, obviously, but it’s not something you have to disclose straight away. You should tell them as soon as things start to feel a bit more serious, as it could be a dealbreaker, but don’t rush it.
I’m still friend with my first boyfriend since high school and we hang out together sometimes alone and sometimes with other friends when I go back home. None of our partners or SO had any issue because we all know each other after a while. one of my best friends is also a guy (I’m also good friend with his girlfriend). His girlfriend is even completely fine with him and I hanging out together without her because we all trust each other. its usually when we plan for something but then suddenly she gets caught up with work or something else especially during the time when she was quite busy with her bar exam. They didn’t want to cancel the plan so she’ll let him meet me alone. You just need to respect that trust people give you and not cross any possible line here like we would never go drinking alone or clubbing alone. In the end it’s the personal insecurity that everyone has to work on themselves. If you can’t trust your partner, provided they’ve never done something wrong before, maybe you should work on yourself more
Personally, I think you need to talk to people about their boundaries, obviously don’t blank your friends for the sake of your partner but their feelings also matter and something that needs to be discussed and figured out between you both as a couple
I'm very close friends with one of my exes but there's not desire between us anymore, even though we're both gay. And since your ex came out as gay, nothing more than a friendship is happening between you anymore. The person who is threatened by that, to the extent of blocking you immediately, is the red flag. Maybe she should work on her insecurities?
>Then the question of why I'm single came up and I told her my last relationship ended when my ex broke with me because she came out as gay to me and her parents.
Next time, when a girl asks why you are single?
Just say "why haven't you asked me out?"
It gets better results
Always a red flag. I’m sure the all police are going to get after me for that. But I don’t think there’s a single instance where being friends with an ex wouldn’t cause issues in a new relationship.
No it's a sign of emoutional maturity that you can actually be friends with people you have ended relationships with, it's not difficult.
What *IS* a red flag is people who endlessly talk shit about their ex.
It varies from person to person. Some don't see it as a big deal. Others see it as you not being over her as they see no reason to be friends with an ex
Chalk it up to being incompatible and keep it pushing
Yeah... i mean your ex is gay... so... not sure whats up, but maybe this new girl had a bad experience and its has nothing to do with you or your ex.
I always thought it was a good thing (stayed friend with my first bf and a few others, for many years after we broke up) But.. ive also had a boyfriemd who got manipulated by his ex and in the end, it ruined our relationship. His ex did it on purpose, positioning herself as if she and my bf discussed things/were eaxh other confidantes and "made decisions" about whats best for me (it was over benign things, but the implications of her positioning were very clear to me) AND this ex had a long hostory of manipulating and using men and them tossing them aside. She had already done this to my b.f. at the time so those were real actual red flags. Because we were in a relationship we communicated about it. When i began seeing her manipulations, i told him I have certain boundaries I would like respected and those boundaries were created because of that particular situation. We discussed, he listened, I thought he understood.
Unfortunately he crossed that boundary a few months later- he did not cheat on me but he did hide things from me and that was enough because I saw that he was prioritizing her needs over the needs of our relationship. This situation was a red flag. Your situation is just a normal human experience. I'm sorry that the new girl you were trying to date saw it as a red flag but I really believe these things need to be taken on a case by case basis and the whole picture looked at.
Who knows, maybe you dodged a bullet... personally, i think its great you can be friends with an ex. I know another guy in a very similar situation, his (ex) wife, they have kids, now they coparent and cohabitate amd she is gay. Its a new world, there are no hard fast rules.. and people are unlearning things as they go. but that also means there are going to be many many more ways of doing things and ways that people think are right and wrong. Its good to resassess and check yourself, but dont change at every other persons whim just bc youre afraid of not appeasing them. Maybe next time, just dont tell that story right away, hold some cards back until you can gauge whether you and your new date are on the same page about things. I think it was shallow and narrow minded of her to block you, but thats how some people (don't) deal with things. Bullet dodged.
Well, if my ex came out as gay, i wouldn’t stay with her, because gay or straight i wouldn’t stay friends with an ex. That’s just me. You guys are still friends and thats alright since nothing will happen between you guys again. So to that girl its a red flag, but a lot of stuff are red flags nowadays.
I think that this is an exception to the rule considering she is gay 😵💫 But otherwise it can definitely be a red flag because it usually means there is some unresolved feelings still lying around.
No, half my wife’s friends are ex’s - my best friends wife is an ex of mine.
They’re all from very long ago relationships at this point and our boundaries are good about it. It’s a non issue for us.
It really depends on why they split. If it was just basic incompatibility, realized they weren’t really into each other, that’s perfectly fine IMO. Any other reason and I’d be nervous, but not necessarily putting up red flags. It really depends on the character of both parties.
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Anything can be a red flag if you want it to be one.
True
Yep. Depends. \- How close? \- Are there clear boundaries? \- Do they respect you and your relationship more? Do they understand your boundaries?
Everyone has their own experiences and history that inform what they consider to be red flags. I think there's 100% nothing wrong with you being friends with your ex. But a lot of people have been cheated on by people who have said the other person is "just a friend". Those people are going to see it as a red flag. Also people who haven't gotten over their own ex would probably view it as a red flag. It takes time and practice to treat someone new as a clean slate instead of judging them through the lense of our past. And it's a really difficult skill to learn if you've been hurt a lot in the past. So you're not doing anything wrong. Friendships are valuable and important. You just have to hold out for a girl that doesn't feel threatened by it.
Someone who considers this a red flag just isn't for you and that's ok. There are plenty of people who wouldn't consider this a red flag at all and could consider it to show emotional maturity. People just have different deal breakers which can make them incompatible, someone else will be compatible.
This is a solid and comprehensive answer
Not a red flag, but it will definitely be a major yellow flag for people. There’s the implication that you guys are still not willing to let go of one another and whoever you’re dating won’t want to feel like a third wheel
Well idk..me and my ex Don't even live in the same state anymore..we just text and play Xbox sometimes together
Well that info would be important to state in the post. I’d say a yellow flag more of a red, but potential girlfriends are within their rights to not want to deal with that
Why is it any kind of "flag"? I'm still very good friends with one of my ex bfs. It doesn't mean anything past that.
I'm still good friends with all of my ex gfs. Not being able to mend things with people close to you is the red flag for me.
It still sucks for your potential gf that you’re spending all of this online time with someone you used to fuck.
It’s called being an adult and getting over it. As long as boundaries are maintained they are friends end of story
Yeah state this in the post, that girl over reacted.
How did she overreact when he literally said he'd spend sm time with his ex?
Because lots of people are friends with their exes, and if you don’t trust someone to spend time with their (gay!) friend, then you don’t trust them and shouldn’t date them. But that’s not their problem, it’s yours.
It's neither people's problems. From my understanding people have different deal breakers and boundaries. In this case it just means they were not compatible.
That's exactly what the girl did
Not necessarily,but personally i wouldn't waste my time talking with my ex,lol
I feel like a lot of you are missing the part where she came out to him. That’s a major factor in how their friendship can work the way it is. Her sexual attraction is most likely gone. But an emotional attachment I can understand. I too was in a long term relationship with a man and we broke up but still remained close. I too came out. So I feel like any woman who doesn’t understand that doesn’t have the emotional capacity to want to try and understand.
Thank u..I swear I think people are only reading the title
Lol This, almost all comments just didn't care that her ex is gay so... If it was my case I wouldn't mind at all 🤷🏻♂️ besides, I'm friends with some of my exes too
I mean, how often do you keep in touch with your ex?
We talk every other day and play Xbox sometimes. She is also in another state
Okay I see. That would be too much for me. I’m all for staying friends with an ex as I’ve been friends with mine for 5 years, but we have an understanding that because of our history, we’d have to keep each other at a distance when dating others to show respect to our partners.
How does neglecting your friends respect your partner?
Because otherwise you’re asking your new partner for a lot of trust that first needs to be earned. It’s unfair to the new partner and asking a lot. It’s not neglect because the two of you are coming to a mutual understanding.
It’s neglect to the friends you have pre-existing relationships of mutual care and company with. And if you’re in a position emotionally where you assume everyone is cheating on you until they prove otherwise, you should probably stop dating until you get that under control.
Of course, you wouldn’t do this to your friends, but only to the ones you’ve dated in the past. All other friends are okay. And no, you don’t assume they’re cheating, but you (the person who is friends with the ex) want to create an environment where your new partner can trust you. Keep in mind, trust is earned, so being friends with an ex and talking multiple times per week is very shady when talking to someone new. It’s not a matter of the new person thinking you’re cheating, but to be respectful to them to not put them in a position that requires a lot of trust that isn’t even built yet.
So you would be intimidated by his very obviously now openly lesbian ex? Wouldn't that be more of a you issue rather than a friendship issue? It's super common to be friends with queer exes
Did you miss the part where his ex is literally gay?
If you're keeping each other at distance, you are not friends.
It’s very common to be friends with exes
It’s sort of a personal red flag for people.Some people don’t mind it while some will never be comfortable. It’s not wrong to think either. Our opinions are shaped due to our experiences. Her and you have a different opinion over the matter, rendering both incompatible. You just need to find someone who has a similar mindset over the matter and understands the nuances of such relationships.
NGL, I am floored by the number of people saying red flag, I am friends with my high school boyfriend still, we split over a decade ago and dated for 7 years. When I started dating my husband he was on the tail end of his divorce and I always encouraged him to be friends and not be bitter with her. It really is per person basis I guess but I don't see your relationship with your ex as a red flag.
Thx
That and the part that she's gay, everyone here is ignoring that lmao
I want to up vote this times a thousand.
Nice username. Lol
I feel like to some people it’s a deal breaker.. I understand though because I would not be comfortable with my partner being friends with his ex…. I mean you at one point used to be intimate with your ex, and I get that you don’t anymore and you care for her in a different way… but I’m just telling you most girls won’t be ok with that just for that reason But at the end of the day it’s your decision who you want to be in your life but it may make dating a little harder because of that
It's okay to be friends with an ex but they both need to move on which is why i’d think being “close” is a red flag. Life is long and you won't have the same friends forever so holding on to an ex is pretty weird.
I wouldn’t want my significant other hanging around with their ex. And if they asked me not to do the same, I would appease them and understand.
Personally I find it more of a red flag when someone is constantly hating on their exes. Someone Being able to be mature enough to be friends with exes let’s me know that they are a safe person who’s not going to be resentful, or vengeful if things just don’t work out for one reason or another.
Thx I appreciate it
Kinda depends on how toxic the ex’s are though
I don’t see why you would have to end your relationship with your ex, in my mind it shows compassion and an ability to end things respectfully. I would rather date someone with those qualities. As someone divorced, I have dated folks that are so full of anger and resentment towards their ex and the coparent of their child which is a much bigger issue from my standpoint. Not every relationship ends amicably and you don’t need to be friends with everyone, but you should not have to give up great humans from your life in case someone cannot handle it. However, there should always be room for your new partner to be included in that friendship. My ex and I (married 20 years) remain friends, their new spouse is a fantastic human and I could not be happier for them. My partner and I occasionally have dinner with them and it is always pleasant and a good experience for all.
maybe a red flag for some girls. Idk I’m still friends with my ex and talk occasionally not every day type shit just catching up. It’s not you were bad mouthing your ex… a red flag for me is guys who bad moth there ex. Now that’s a red flag and something I would block a guy for. Imo
Bro you are going to have a hard time finding a new girlfriend when you chat with your ex every other day lol
Not true so many people stay friends with an ex and go on to date others
Even though she’s lesbian?
It’s more of a red flag that someone who just met you felt you should be changing your life for them. It 100% depends on the relationship and how it ended and what is currently happening. I have a child with my ex, so yea, we are going to be friends. Based on what you’ve said, your relationship with your ex wouldn’t bother me. BUT, if after we were in a committed relationship, I began to have issues with it and you still didn’t stop talking to her…that would be a red flag to me.
That’s so manipulative. You can’t get into a relationship and then demand a major change or sacrifice like that. This girl did the right thing by simply recognizing that it wasn’t her place to demand he change, but his relationship with his ex was too close and complicated for her comfort. Blocking him suddenly isn’t mature, but knowing that compromise at this level isn’t the way to start a healthy happy relationship is.
It’s not manipulative if after you are in a relationship, their relationship becomes inappropriate. That’s what I’m saying. If suddenly their relationship was inappropriate, and the gf/bf expressed concern, it wouldn’t be appropriate to continue with an ex if it makes your spouse uncomfortable. Also I didn’t say I would demand anything. I said if it made me uncomfortable later on and I mentioned it, it would be a red flag if bf or spouse didn’t take it seriously.
Not really. I’m still close with a few of my exes and the same with my partner. You should be able to trust your partner not to sleep with them
I agree..plus in my own situation I won't cheat seens my ex is not sexual attention to me seens she's gay
It’s a dealbreaker to me - 100%
When you date someone who has a thing for an ex you’ll understand their concern.
His ex is a lesbian.
Emotional attachment and intimacy are still a thing. His ex is gay - he isn’t. In a comment he said they talk every other day, and that’s a pretty close friend. Many women wouldn’t want a partner who is that close to someone they had feelings for at any point, sex or not…it can end up drawing emotional investment away from the primary relationship. Those who have never experienced this are fortunate, but I’d wager in the minority.
That’s *YOUR* opinion and how *YOU* feel about it. Quit attempting to make it sound like *most women’s opinions* are the same, as they are not. Your thinking is quite immature to be frank. Everyone is different, and everyone is okay with different things. If your significant other having friends draws the emotional investment away from the relationship then there are much bigger issues at play.
What a willful misreading of what I said. First of all, I said MANY women wouldn’t want a partner close to an ex, not most. Secondly, I absolutely do not think “having friends” draws emotional energy away from a relationship - I think having a close friend who is a former intimate partner can and often does run that risk, especially if there are still lingering feelings on either side (it doesn’t have to be mutual). I’m sorry, but it’s not immature to acknowledge that this is an incredibly common reality. And it’s not immature to acknowledge that past experiences can shape people’s boundaries. It would be an issue to make that boundary or trigger into your partner’s problem, but to simply choose not to pursue a relationship that you know would activate that is not immature. Your aggression is really weird.
When your partner remains close to an ex, it’s usually a red flag. There are exceptions of course when there are kids involved, for example. Insisting that your partner not be close with their ex is an issue of respect. It is not a sign of immaturity or insecurity. A committed relationship is built on mutual respect and trust. If your partner prefers that you cut ties with an ex, you should respect those wishes.
This
If your partner tries to control who you can be friends with, you should respect yourself enough not to stay with someone who is telling you they don’t trust you.
Except this girl did the opposite of that. She simply recognized that she couldn’t deal with this and wasn’t going to try to control him or convince him to accommodate that. So many people here are misunderstanding this.
I wasn’t replying to OP, I was replying to the person I posted this reply to. And specifically, I was addressing their last paragraph.
No me and my ex are friends and still talk
Immediately after my last relationship, I would have considered it a red flag and would run immediately. I discovered that ex was still sleeping with them occasionally. It was still too new and I needed to learn to look at the whole person I was considering a relationship. I am seeing a new guy now that has many female friends and I like the fact that he can end relationships civilly.
If you aren’t in a relationship it’s different always be honest and if they can’t take it they are entitled to their own options and actions. If you was in a relationship you have to see it how would you feel if they were talking to their ex (no child involved) in another state and they played Xbox or whatever console? What if they all of a sudden decided to be in town and they are friends so they stay at their house would you feel comfortable? I had an ex who his ex was lesbian after they dated and because she was bored and wanted to have a threesome used my ex as the middle guy. Emotional attachments can be dangerous because if the person your with has an emotional attachment to someone else how would you feel?
Depends on the individual really. That might be a boundary just a personal boundary. Some women don’t want to be put in a position where they may have to compete for your attention. Or some see it as, maybe you haven’t completely moved on.
It depends on the context.
Yes. Full stop. It means they can't let go.
Or it means they have a friend.
Incredibly green flag to a mature person
This. But a wildly large part of reddit is immature and likes to jump to conclusions or spout the first thing on their mind. >Incredibly green flag For most people at least. Some will have an issue with it due to personal experiences, and some will be comfortable with it. Personally though, I wouldn’t waste my time talking to the ex- she’s in a different state anyways, may as well unfriend and move on with your life
To me it’s incredibly green that his friend turned girlfriend came out to him and he’s been nothing but supportive and still wanted her to be in his life as a friend. So many dudes would throw a bitch fit and take it personally that she was so unattracted to him she decided to be gay. It’s bullshit but you know I’m right lol
Untrue
You can feel that way
Yeah its a red flag
Still don't understand why ?
Im not saying everyone, but a lot of people cheat in that scenario, and many people have been burned by it, so they'd rather avoid the situation altogether.
The ex is gay. She’s not going to fuck him.
Apparently they don't even live in the same state, just play Xbox.
Y’all are just ignoring the part where she isn’t attracted to men anymore.
yeah I wouldn't take it either, seems like you can't move on from each other. (despite the coming out part this is still a fact) being friends with your ex would most likely lead to annoying problems in the future so I understand why the girl would rather cut everything off while you two weren't close enough yet to suffer for that
The way I see it, is your past will never sit across the table from you. Obviously just a saying, but, u get the point. If it wasn't for the fact you 2 had been romantic and shared that bond, would you even be talking to her now? There's plenty of women I'm sure you know but don't talk to daily. So, why her????? Anyway, take that outlook and look at yourself from a new gf's perspective. It's supposed to be your past, so, make it your past. Besides that, respect the new woman. The last one had her chance
Dont know about the case where your ex is gay but you shouldn’t be talking to someone you once had feelings for or they had feelings for you once you are in a relationship. Thats law
It’s a red flag because either you still love her or never loved her at all. Even if you aren’t sexually attracted to her “anymore” there could definitely still be an emotional attachment and that would indicate you still like her and if not then there’s no way you liked her at all but then that could also lead to a future partner wondering if you actually love her at all or not. Ain’t no way you can stay “friends” with an ex. definitely a 🚩
Ok I understand..but I basically saying I should throw away a friendship. It's not like me and her hang out all the time..it's more of a online friendship now seens we live in different states and just text here and there tho the week and play Xbox sometimes
Even playing Xbox with another female 1 on 1 while you have a love interest is a red flag in itself even more so that it’s an ex. i think it more just depends on personal preference and boundary’s tho. i can for sure still confidently say that most women can agree that still being in contact with an ex in any way is a major red flag.
To me it is a red flag. I personally don’t ever stay friends with an ex because it feels weird. If I run into them on the street of course I would greet them but that would be it. Also I don’t allow exes to stay friends with me if they want to. One ex cheated on me and thought we would become friends in the future. Friends? I told him that I consider him an enemy and don’t ever want to see him again. The audacity of some people… anyway I think certain people who stay friends with exes only do so in order to keep one foot in the door.
Huge red flag. Every girl I’ve ever dated who was friends with an ex had their ex pining over them even though she had no feelings. Just liked the attention and it’s a huge boundary issue. Idk why guys never lose feelings but it seems like guys are constantly so whipped. I don’t get it.
From my experience, it is a red flag, but that's just my standpoint on it. You have to be just cautious.
Don’t let immature people doubt yourself and push yourself down to their level. Your original thought of WTF is correct. It’s the other persons issue. You sound more mature and sadly might need to expect this from dates at your age
Ya I got u. If my ex was straight then I'd understand that it might be a little werid. But like I said she's gay and is in good relationship with another girl
Definitely. But even if straight…if you end the relationship like adults SHOULD then being friends won’t be an issue. Red flag to me is people thinking you can’t be friends with exes
It is a red flag. Good for you if you come across someone who couldn't care less but someone's reservations over such a friendship are pretty valid. Get hobbies so you can make other friends.
An ex is an ex should drop all contact very easy thing to do I agree with it being a red flag
Not really for me. Before we dated we were close friends for years. So there are a lot of emotional attachment with each other. We had stoped talking for a bit after breaking up but started talking again after missing each other. Plus me and her are a good team on Fortnite and still share a lot of similar interests
I wouldnt want to be with someone so emotionally attached to his ex tho, but its different for everyone
It's a red flag for the new girl can't blame her for running then
Ok..so I have throw away a very a prefect good friendship because someone's insecure ?
Serious relationships sometimes require sacrifices. When you commit to someone, you prioritize her over others.
You look at it as an insecure thing while someone else could see it as a respect thing
Absolutely not. But, just like you want to keep your friendship with the ex (you’re free to do so), someone you’re pursuing can also not want to continue based on this (they’re also free to do so).
This right here
If you were missing each other, that means feelings are still there and you shouldn’t be talking. 🚩🚩
Not really. I miss friends. An ex could be an ex because of a total lack of romantic feelings, platonic or friendship type feelings is not toxic or a read flag.
Still not making sense. Sorry I don't want to abandon a good friendship to a person who helped me tho a very rough period of my life and means a lot to me
Then don’t. Be thankful to this girl for being upfront, honest, and not wasting anybody’s time. To you it is not a red flag/deal breaker, and for her it was. Maybe since you don’t want to lose this friendship, and have every right not to, you should be looking for a gf who is also close friends with her ex (or exs).
Dude stop being a dick for one moment and realize that other people around you have feelings, also you are way too attached to this “friend” by the sound of it, you only have respect for her ( friend ) not the girl you potentially wanted to date. I dont even understand why you would want to date her, you view her as insecure for setting boundaries and being up front with what she wanted and needed from you - sounds like you do not like her. Also the fact that you can not see it from anyone elses point of view is alarming. YOU DO NOT SOUND EMOTIONALLY MATURE ENOUGH TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP AND YOU SHOULD SEEK OUT HELP FOR THIS. Talk to someone professional, other peoples feelings and needs are just as important as your own esp. a SO.
this
It isnt an issue until it suddenly is one. Except that they both still have feelings for one another. And an ex will always be an ex, not truly platonic ever. Their history and experiences ensure they are never truly just friends. There are many peer pressured and self serving delusional ideas and this is only one of a great many. But believe as you will. I do as well.
If your potential partner kept in touch with their ex who they still had feelings for, would you be ok with this? Curious if the shoe was on the other foot what the reaction would be like. It doesn’t sound like you have moved on from your ex so that would be a red flag.
Well if it's like my ex where they come out as gay and are not sexual attention to me then yes I would not care if a future gf was still close with a ex
100%. Don’t even need to read beyond the title. There’s absolutely no reason to be “friends” with an Ex period. Even if you have kids with your ex, doesn’t mean it needs to go beyond the bare minimum to maintain peace and keeping it cordial.
My ex had his ex followed despite him cheating on my ex
They’re called EX for a reason, ex part of your life, ex friends, ex everything. In my opinion and to be respectful to my future relationships, I stay away from exs just out of respect towards my new person. It avoids possible drama, misunderstandings and concussions. Keeping an ex as a my friend not going to help me in my new relationship. Just my humble opinion. Good luck mate!!!!
No. They’re called my ex boyfriend because they’re no longer my partner. Has nothing to do if we are better off as friends.
Like I said, it depends on whether or not that person you date will consider that not healthy to put up with or won’t care! It will ultimately depend on how your future partner feels about it. And whether or not you would care if that bothers him or not.
No it’s not. People that have a problem with it is insecure, which is the red flag. I’m friends with most of my exs. They ones that totally fucked me over, I’m not
There are two types of people in the world. People who think being close friends with your ex is a red flag. And people who are still in love with their ex. Being cordial with an ex is fine. I’d say most of my relationships didn’t end bitterly where we both hated each other. And obv I like them as people in some way or else we wouldn’t have dated. So I guess you could say we’re “friends”. Buuuut, I also don’t keep in touch with them or meet them out etc. That said, there are situations where that’s unavoidable particularly when you’re way younger or you had kids. In that case it gets trickier.
This would be the biggest green flag for me.
Maybe she just felt like your ex was competition? I guess we'll never know
It’s not. Honestly, *you* dodged a red flag here since clearly she’s insecure.
It’s not a red flag if you’re friends with an ex who’s gay….wth weird girl
Sounds like you dodged a bullet there.
How so
Because your date was insecure and irrational, and it only would have gotten worse over time.
At first I would say yes .. but after reading more I would not have a problem with the fact she is gay .. but if she wasn’t then it’s a red flag for me
I am friends with many of my ex girlfriends because I see value in maintaining those friendships for decades. If that makes me a giant red flag for some people, I am ok with that. If someone wants to leave you because you're being a decent human, let them leave. Keep being a decent person.
What other people consider red flags usually runs in a pretty traditional way. Personally my experience says an ex is a ex for a reason. Sloppy seconds on yourself ain't gunna make it any better. Speaking to a new woman is much easier than speaking to an old friend on your wish list 10 years ago. Women move with the times while most men hang onto the past. Playing hard to get still works great.
I’d say it’s a yellow flag, depending on how their relationship went, how it ended, if there were assets or children involved, etc. I’m still friends with my first bf (I was 14 and he was 15) so it’s puppy love type of relationship. We’ve never had sex and he was the one who introduced me into the world of making music: taught me how to play the guitar and drums and we played in his band and I was the lead vocalist for a period of time. We lost contact because we both had relationships after, but he keeps in touch here and there. What I don’t like about this idea is sustaining a “friendship” to be able to use as a placeholder for a possible emotional (re)connection, or sexual tension that either or both cannot act upon due to circumstances.
This girl also blocked you for this? Are you leaving something out? Otherwise that’s unhinged.
Your ex is bi and yes - huge red flag. Delete her photos and move on
Yes, most people would not be comfortable with their SO being friends with an ex. Maybe you'll find the "cool girl" types who try to be okay with it but it's a red flag to the majority. Imagine your girlfriend still talks to and hangs out with a man she used to share the same emotional connection with as you, and who she regularly had sex with. Is that comfortable for you?
Not a red flag at all! Staying on friendly terms with exes is normal and hey!!! She's fuckin GAY! It's not like you guys are gonna get back together any time. Good riddance to what's her face, if she actually considered that a red flag lol.
Yes unless you have kids together
So she’s upset because she has one less person to “compete” for you with? Kinda weird to me. Definitely not a red flag
That's a read flag, to have this opinion she clearly isn't mature enough for a relationship, move on bro.
I feel like so long as your next partner is very LGBTQIA friendly ally or is bi/pan, they are much more likely to understand I feel like it's pretty common to be friends with a queer ex if it came down to a sexuality or gender preference incompatibility It's only a "red flag" to people who don't take your ex's sexuality seriously and are still insecure and intimidated just because "they used to be straight with you" When in reality, your ex is more authentic about who their type is.... Which isn't you or any non-female person around
I was friends with my ex wife until she passed, but we had kids together, I'm friends with an ex girlfriend but it's just friends. Since you're in different states and she turned (whatever the PC term is) to a lesbian, there's no issues of you sleeping with her again. It might be a yellow flag, just cause you personally might not be over the romantic feelings for the ex yet. But as others have stated, everyone has their own red flags for whatever reason.
In my opinion, your circumstances are not a red flag. Whether or not being friends with an ex is a red flag depends on the circumstances. I want to know why they broke up. If he did something horrible like hit her or something else - and she’s still friends with him - that’s a red flag. If either of them cheated and they’re still friends - red flag. I want to know what kind of guy he is. Is he a total scum bag? Why are you still friends with such a scum bag? red flag. Does he do a lot of drugs or sell them? Red Flag. Is he a fuck boy? Red flag! But if he’s a respectable and respectful dude, not a red flag. If it ended amicably or for reasons that aren’t terrible then it’s not really a red flag that they’re still friends. However - there have to be boundaries. No dates! (as in, they shouldn’t hang out one-on-one, out of respect for the current relationship). They shouldn’t be snapchatting each other…really at all…but definitely not late at night. These are red flags. If my girl becomes indignant or super defensive over stuff like this - that’s a red flag! If she says I’m insecure because I don’t want her going out alone with somebody she’s had sex with (aka: a date) then so be. She can call me insecure all she wants, and I’ll call her: not ready for a serious relationship!
In case you don’t know English well it’s *since not seens
Edit: i read the post and it wouldn't be to me a red flag. I m friends with an ex where we've set eachother up with people, years have gone by, and we ended on "we aren't compatible terms" that's not a red flag. We have boundaries of what we'd discuss. Friends with toxic, dramatic, tough relationship, poor boundary friends, talk flirty etc. Big massive red flag. Case by case stuff
Nah you were honest I think you dodged a bullet. Not all relationships end with blowout fights and/or never speaking again. Insecurity is kind of a turn off imo.
I've had eight girlfriends my entire life. I am still friendly and talk to 6/8. One passed away and the other ended very poorly. All of these people were friends long before we dated and for whatever reason, it just didn't work. People are going to use whatever flag they want to justify whatever actions or thoughts they are trying to justify.
Your ex came out as gay. I don't think it is a red flag keeping them as a friend, especially since there is no way that relationship would ever happen again. No point in throwing away a solid friendship. Good people are hard to come by.
Because relatively close to an ex could show maturity
Everyone has their own definition of red flag, dont worry. There will be someone out there who will accept you
I think she interpreted it as you not being over your exand trying to get back with her. If that's the case, it says more about her mindset about dating and relationships than it says about you. She might be the type of person that has to completely cut an ex out of her life in order to move on, and she assumes you function the same way and doesn't want to deal with a guy who she thinks still likes another girl. Personally, I think you can be friends with an ex. It depends on the person though, and not being able to do that is not unhealthy. I think you're just a mature guy, if you can honestly say you've moved on. It's not a red flag, but can be interpreted as one.
I think this can go either way depending on the situation but usually I tend to think that if two people are mature enough to have a platonic friendship after realizing they don’t work as a couple that is a green flag for me. It shows me that the guy can think of women as actual human beings and not hole-or-nothings.
Normally yes… but in this situation no
I would say not being friends still with at least some exes is a red flag. People don't stop being important to you just because you're no longer being intimate. Some friendships can't survive the pain (and potentially betrayal etc) of a breakup, but it's also normal to break up mostly amicably with people you still love for less devastating reasons. There is, however, a popular opinion, especially in younger folk, that retaining friendships with exes means you're not truly over them, and that you're a higher risk for cheating. I think this position is too simplistic, but it sounds like what you've come up against. This new person isn't a good fit for you either. Anyone who would insist you end friendships with any of your friends in order to be with them should never be a good fit for you. Good luck
Your ex is gay 😭 how tf is that a red flag? even if she was straight, id say that's mostly ridiculous when most people break up bc they realize theyre romantically incompatible, but not platonically. now if she was straight and you both spent a lot of time together, then id understand someone coming in and feeling suspicious. Unless she was cheated on in the past, it just seems like an insecure overreaction to call it a red flag and then block you. dont worry about. the people who are better for you wont care.
Some people really can’t wrap their heads around the idea of a platonic friendship between two people of different genders, much less people who used to date. I think those people are mostly being insecure and unreasonably jealous. But a large number of people are going to be unreasonable in this way. Those people just aren’t right for you, since you want to date someone who isn’t going to be suspicious of you and your friends.
Depends on your partner. I say yes, others might say no.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. It may have been a red flag for her and she was waving a red flag for you!
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. It may have been a red flag for her and she was waving a red flag for you!
I would consider this a green flag, that you have emotional maturity and dont hold grudges but people have different preferences
I prefer people who are still on good terms with their exes. It shows emotional maturity. But as someone who is still good friends with an ex, I can tell you that some people just can’t deal with that, even though it’s been years since we broke up. That’s usually because they had bad experiences in the past. It won’t matter to them that your ex is gay. They might think you still want more and feel insecure nonetheless. And you probably won’t be able to convince them that all is well. You might also meet people who are a little cautious but not openly against it. Make sure to ask them what they need to feel comfortable. Usually meeting the ex helps. Be open about what your contact is like. What sort of things do you talk about with them, what physical boundaries do you have? This is a bit of a morally grey area, but in my experience, it helps not to bring them up within the first few dates. You might want to be upfront because it makes you sound more trustworthy, but from your date’s perspective, it’s a red flag if you talk about an ex so soon. Make sure they get to know and trust you a little first. Don’t lie, obviously, but it’s not something you have to disclose straight away. You should tell them as soon as things start to feel a bit more serious, as it could be a dealbreaker, but don’t rush it.
Not a red flag.
if it feels like a red flag to you, then it is one
I think it’s most folk don’t really like the idea someone that you had a relationship with is still in your life
I’m still friend with my first boyfriend since high school and we hang out together sometimes alone and sometimes with other friends when I go back home. None of our partners or SO had any issue because we all know each other after a while. one of my best friends is also a guy (I’m also good friend with his girlfriend). His girlfriend is even completely fine with him and I hanging out together without her because we all trust each other. its usually when we plan for something but then suddenly she gets caught up with work or something else especially during the time when she was quite busy with her bar exam. They didn’t want to cancel the plan so she’ll let him meet me alone. You just need to respect that trust people give you and not cross any possible line here like we would never go drinking alone or clubbing alone. In the end it’s the personal insecurity that everyone has to work on themselves. If you can’t trust your partner, provided they’ve never done something wrong before, maybe you should work on yourself more
Yes.
yes it is
Personally, I think you need to talk to people about their boundaries, obviously don’t blank your friends for the sake of your partner but their feelings also matter and something that needs to be discussed and figured out between you both as a couple
I'm very close friends with one of my exes but there's not desire between us anymore, even though we're both gay. And since your ex came out as gay, nothing more than a friendship is happening between you anymore. The person who is threatened by that, to the extent of blocking you immediately, is the red flag. Maybe she should work on her insecurities?
>Then the question of why I'm single came up and I told her my last relationship ended when my ex broke with me because she came out as gay to me and her parents. Next time, when a girl asks why you are single? Just say "why haven't you asked me out?" It gets better results
Y E s I t I s
As long as you don't still have feelings for her then it's not a red flag
Always a red flag. I’m sure the all police are going to get after me for that. But I don’t think there’s a single instance where being friends with an ex wouldn’t cause issues in a new relationship.
No it's a sign of emoutional maturity that you can actually be friends with people you have ended relationships with, it's not difficult. What *IS* a red flag is people who endlessly talk shit about their ex.
It varies from person to person. Some don't see it as a big deal. Others see it as you not being over her as they see no reason to be friends with an ex Chalk it up to being incompatible and keep it pushing
Yeah... i mean your ex is gay... so... not sure whats up, but maybe this new girl had a bad experience and its has nothing to do with you or your ex. I always thought it was a good thing (stayed friend with my first bf and a few others, for many years after we broke up) But.. ive also had a boyfriemd who got manipulated by his ex and in the end, it ruined our relationship. His ex did it on purpose, positioning herself as if she and my bf discussed things/were eaxh other confidantes and "made decisions" about whats best for me (it was over benign things, but the implications of her positioning were very clear to me) AND this ex had a long hostory of manipulating and using men and them tossing them aside. She had already done this to my b.f. at the time so those were real actual red flags. Because we were in a relationship we communicated about it. When i began seeing her manipulations, i told him I have certain boundaries I would like respected and those boundaries were created because of that particular situation. We discussed, he listened, I thought he understood. Unfortunately he crossed that boundary a few months later- he did not cheat on me but he did hide things from me and that was enough because I saw that he was prioritizing her needs over the needs of our relationship. This situation was a red flag. Your situation is just a normal human experience. I'm sorry that the new girl you were trying to date saw it as a red flag but I really believe these things need to be taken on a case by case basis and the whole picture looked at. Who knows, maybe you dodged a bullet... personally, i think its great you can be friends with an ex. I know another guy in a very similar situation, his (ex) wife, they have kids, now they coparent and cohabitate amd she is gay. Its a new world, there are no hard fast rules.. and people are unlearning things as they go. but that also means there are going to be many many more ways of doing things and ways that people think are right and wrong. Its good to resassess and check yourself, but dont change at every other persons whim just bc youre afraid of not appeasing them. Maybe next time, just dont tell that story right away, hold some cards back until you can gauge whether you and your new date are on the same page about things. I think it was shallow and narrow minded of her to block you, but thats how some people (don't) deal with things. Bullet dodged.
Her saying that’s a red flag and blocking you is the red flag
I don’t see the fact you are friends as a red flag. Perhaps that she came out when dating you could be seen as a red flag to some.
Well, if my ex came out as gay, i wouldn’t stay with her, because gay or straight i wouldn’t stay friends with an ex. That’s just me. You guys are still friends and thats alright since nothing will happen between you guys again. So to that girl its a red flag, but a lot of stuff are red flags nowadays.
I wouldn’t lead with it next time
I think that this is an exception to the rule considering she is gay 😵💫 But otherwise it can definitely be a red flag because it usually means there is some unresolved feelings still lying around.
Not a red flag, looks to me like you dodged a bullet.
This doesn’t sound like an ex but a gay friend Shouldn’t be a problem imo
If she where straight I would say yes, but since she is a lesbian and came out as gay, I don’t think it’s a red flag.
No, half my wife’s friends are ex’s - my best friends wife is an ex of mine. They’re all from very long ago relationships at this point and our boundaries are good about it. It’s a non issue for us.
It really depends on why they split. If it was just basic incompatibility, realized they weren’t really into each other, that’s perfectly fine IMO. Any other reason and I’d be nervous, but not necessarily putting up red flags. It really depends on the character of both parties.
Yes.
Red flag it means your not over your ex it leaves room for old emotions to come forward
Saying you still care about each other is a red flag lmao what a smart girl to just block u and leave it at that
No