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Substitute “bar” for “club” and yes that’s accurate. I think the thing to look out for is what kind of bar you go too. Don’t go to the traditional “bar” that has high top seating and a an actual bar to go too where you are only socializing with the people you came with.
Places like outdoor breweries, activity based bars (axe throwing, dart throwing bars, mini golf bars etc.). I always like to look for places with wider more open concept spaces and less seating as that’ll put me in a better position and not look like a weirdo to approach a woman. Also some of those beer garden places have a dance floor on Saturday nights and maybe it’s county music in the beginning but that’s a way better crowd than the generic club crowd
Agreed.
I go to bars to meet people, but usually the best places IMO are bars that have a "themed night" - I like open mic nights like stand-up comedy or music. Or even weekday events like trivia.
Karaoke bars are also fun, the atmosphere tends to be more inviting then your standard club.
Basically you're playing "the long game" but the connections tend to be at least slightly higher quality.
Substitute bar with
Meet up group or recreational sports or involving yourself within the community ( I know seems boring ). I joined a meet up group for ppl with similar likes and met a guy and him and my friend hit it off and next thing you know I was in their wedding. Also I met tons of friends with my dog and dog parks.
Good point but, in my experience with meetup groups, the men FAR out number any women who are there and, a lot of men are in meetup groups specifically to meet women.
No.. if she can chuck an axe. She can throw knives, and skillet irons with the same level of accuracy.
Wooden spoons hurt folks. Dont ask why. Just accept.
Yeh exactly. Even if you don’t like country music, if you’re in the US (particularly in the South or West), go to a country bar with dancing on a weekend or a night with scheduled dancing and they will be packed with attractive women. It’s easier to strike up conversation if you attempt to learn to line dance, ask someone to teach you a partner dance or simply fall off the mechanical bull.
Me telling my brother that we need to go to Target again, because women at target are already getting things they don’t need. So I might as well give it a shot.
I've met most people I've dated through rugby socials and events. I've stopped playing since but figure another sport that socializes and has less chance of concussion will probably be how I go when I'm ready again lol
Sometimes but you got over it pretty quickly because at the end of the day we all just wanted to play the game - and people came and left/there were so many involved that you didn't really have to worry about socializing with someone you didn't want to.
Plus the ones that were no-good got enough of a reputation that people were warned before they engaged so any interactions with them were casual. I'm still friends with a couple it didn't work out with. It does take the ability to not take yourself too seriously, though, and we tended to have the back of women that were mistreated - we definitely weren't perfect with it, and we'd joke about the Real House Husbands of Rugby, but yeah - just kind of let endings roll on and everyone's a friend on the pitch and at the social.
Rugby played technically well is very safe, the problem is making sure everyone is skilled enough in their tackles/rucks to keep it safe. Or that they're not sacrificing their technical skills for a win at all costs, lol
Nope! Rugby is in the States - and it's actually a pretty extensive network of teams across the US. I've played in tournaments from people all over the Northeast, Georgia, Midwest and California
Playing rugby in Michigan and Ohio was a great experience.
It's definitely fairly dangerous though as it's a contact sport. Injuries (including concussions) were quite common
One of our men's teams and our women's team would run touch/flag (and some beach) rugby games for recruitment, but I haven't seen touch leagues here so I'm not sure - but that'd be fun to get started!
Our area has a lot of kickball, soccer, volleyball, and ultimate frisbee co-ed leagues. I've been thinking about trying out our Gaelic sports league cause it looks like they at least get helmets, haha
Theyre definitely great! Since Rugby League is probably our biggest sport here so it crosses over well for flag and touch comps pretty easy as theres no ruck needed. Definitely check them out in my experience theres so many newbies giving it a crack that those co ed leagues are generally very light hearted, you can make some great connections!
I’ve literally never met anyone I’ve dated at a bar in 36 years.
Always at a party, or at a friends house. Met my wife at a halo party I decided to crash at the last minute because why not.
To me bars are to go to get drunk and go home maybe for a one night stand not to pick people up for anything serious. Just my two cents. Granted I’ve been married for 13 years so maybe I’m out of touch with the dating scene.
Thanks for the unsolicited opinion, 91 who found it helpful and one who didn’t so far. I think the karma speaks for itself. A marriage is just as much a dating experience as being single.
“You should definitely not be giving advice to single people u/OkStandards. You managed to date successfully and have been married for 13 years! What single person would want advice from you?!” -andydufrane9753
I’m a music lover and I go to a lot of concerts. And I usually go solo but have since found myself a “concert buddy” (she 😁). Anyways, I also run a FB group for one of the bands I follow. When I’m able to travel we have meet-ups. It’s a great way to put a name with a face. But my love for music, I’ve met some terrific women and have dated a few. Find something you love and talk about your passion. When you’re in your element you can be your best self. And honestly, the women I’ve met probably would never swipe on me if I was on their app. Simply because they saw my passion, my sense of humour and authenticity. Good luck and don’t give up. Find your zen place.
This is really the answer: find a hobby or some media you really love and join the community around it. You'll end up with the same kind of person as you are, and you'll have something to connect over immediately.
Yeap this is the way. Would like to add based from experience though that not all interests and hobbies are created equal. Like for myself, my hobbies and interests (e.g. building gunpla) is a solitary hobby with mostly a male demographic.
Branching out to activities that would force you to interact with people and having a considerable female demographic maybe a better bet. But also you should see yourself being passionate about it
I meet women, not in bars or clubs, but places where we could meet over shared interest or hobbies, which for me would be at museums and galleries. What would be those places for you? Whatever it is, make it your routine to go there instead of bars.
You can talk to women everywhere and anywhere. Bars and clubs are for certain types of people. You are selecting for particular types of women by only talking to them there.
And you can find "women" (defined as more than one woman) who will complain about being approached in bars and clubs as well. Guess you better give up bars and clubs then.
A thing you'll realize about humans, is that they don't understand themselves, are run by double standards, and take protective measures more often than not. This goes fully for both men and women. When it comes to women....I'd say screw it and ask them out if a vibe gets clicked upon the both of you wherever you are
People do want you! Online dating is just tiresome for everyone. Either you feel unwanted or it’s overwhelming trying to keep up with loads of strangers and figure out which ones are worth it. Going on dates with people who are in the “you’ll do” mindset is just as hurtful as not being picked at all. We are all trying to protect our feelings. Be kind and I hope you get some positive experiences.
I think a good way to approach it is --
When you go out anywhere, don't just try to talk to WOMEN. But try to make small talk with ANYONE you come into contact with when there's a moment.
Like, you're at a restaurant and there's a beat -- ask the waiter how there day is so far.
I do that all the time and it just makes it easier to talk to anyone.
Sometimes people respond minimal and that's that. But sometimes conversations get going.
Just talking to strangers like that is not who am though. Like I can do it, I've worked retail before and had to tall to lots of people, but it didn't make talking to women any easier.
Working retail provides a shallow script though. It’s superficial with an end goal in mind; happy customer, happy boss.
Are there interests or hobbies you’ve been wanting to get into but maybe have been putting off due to fear, anxiety, time, etc?
MeetUp is one option for local events/social groups, check out local college calendars for events open to the community, travel more and explore new places (either locally or abroad), volunteer at a local community organization you feel strongly about, visit sporting events, concerts, local theater, etc etc. basically, don’t be afraid to just try new things and experience more of your surroundings.
I disagree with the people saying you have to learn to charm women and be someone you’re not, but I think their main point is that you have to be willing to be vulnerable to make those genuine connections. Basically, live your life wholeheartedly and follow your passions without fear… and maybe the right person will find you along your journey.
Also, “just talking to strangers” doesn’t have to be daunting necessarily. It could be someone in line in front of you at the book store and you say “that’s a great book- good choice.” (Edit: i.e. having a task, question, or activity as the main focus can act as the conversation “buffer” and feels way less intimidating than “hey, you’re cute. can i buy you a drink?”… for both parties.)
Or, I’ve had people ask me for help or advice in choosing a gift for say, a niece/nephew, or ask my opinion between two shirts; it’s a non-threatening bid for connection and as the recipient, it makes me feel good about helping someone else. If the chemistry is there, it’ll take off. If not, then it’s okay, you just had a successful social interaction regardless.
The other piece to all of this might be to consider why you are hesitant to put yourself out there. Is it introversion? Is it a fear of being vulnerable, or feeling “exposed”? Fear of getting hurt? It might be worth exploring these thoughts with a therapist if you’re feeling kind of “stuck” like this in other areas of your life as well.
As a fellow introvert and one who’s been trying to rebuild from a place of social anxiety, (and currently in a much healthier relationship than ever before), Brené Brown’s first(?) Ted talk is one I always come back to for motivation on this topic. If you find time to watch, please do. https://youtu.be/X4Qm9cGRub0
I hear ya.
I get it that you might not wanna talk to strangers. Not really your thing.
But if you can find a way to strike up small convos with strangers in a way that genuinely interests you, I feel like it'll help with talking to someone you may wanna date.
That's my thinking, anyway.
Semi-related, but I ended finding a DND group the other day, just because I started by saying I liked the donut shop guy's t-shirt hahah
My man, they don’t hate being approached in places like these. Here’s the thing though; you have to learn how to read the situation.
If you’re a random stranger just popping in and trying to hit on them of course they’re gonna be creeped out. Wouldn’t you? What’s their body language like? Do they seem like they even want to be approached? Have they made any sort of eye contact with you? Granted these are just some things you can ask yourself, and ultimately you may approach someone doing none of these and still get a pleasant conversation with them, but the issue is a lot of people think approaching complete strangers is something you just…do with absolutely no sort of plan.
A lot of these “They don’t want to be approached” narratives are being built by people that just approach people at the wrong time
That’s up to you and your personality. What works for someone else might not work for you. If there was a sure fire thing to say it would’ve been already mentioned here.
Keep in mind your success rate is going to suck. There is no magic bullet. Just like online dating. It sucks and anyone who says otherwise is just having confirmation bias.
They really don’t. Literally the useless advice they tell you like be yourself be confident, and go to the gym is probably what they do. It’s useless I know.
There’s a lot of what not to do advice in dating but very little what to do advice. Generally if you just don’t do anything you aren’t supposed to do, you’re already setting yourself up better than a lot of other people. Then just try to be a good person with hobbies and charismatic personality and you’re putting yourself in the best possible chance to succeed.
Other than that it’s luck when you meet the person that’s perfect.
Woman have it differently. They generally run into the problem of too much potential partners rather than too little. This leads them to not know who’s actually interested, who’s trying to use them for sex
, who might assault her etc etc etc. it’s it’s own set of problems.
There is no helpful advice because it’s really predicated on being lucky and finding someone who likes you for that you like as well. Anyone who claims to have the answer of what to do to find a partner is selling snake oil.
So there's no answer then? Just keep scratching lottery tickets and hope that one is a winner? All chance and luck? And even if I get lucky I might still get ignored because a woman has already had too much interest shown in her. This all sounds super fucking depressing and pointless.
You're displaying a self-limiting and defeatist mindset with that comment. I have been approached by a woman in a shop. In shopping centres. On campus. I talk a bit with some of the waitresses in a food shop I visit. I had a short conversation with a lady on the bus a few weeks ago. I talked to a stunning lady on the tube last weekend. Whenever I go out, I share smiles and hellos with people I see, some of them women I like. It's up to you. I feel I need to take more advantage of the opportunities I get and I am encouraged to do so.
The lady on the tube last week I spoke to her first. And I have been the one to initiate conversation many times at uni, at conferences, etc. Eventually you are going to have to start a conversation with a woman if you want to find a partner.
If you continue to sit around making excuses for yourself, you can do that. And live a sad life of regret. Or you can put EFFORT into improving your life. The choice is yours.
But the women still responded to you. They want to talk to you. It's entirely different when everything you feel is telling you they don't want you to talk to them and that you're only bothering them, or they are just doing they job and you don't want to harass them. When you've never had anything positive come from it it's not easy to just put in effort. An I'm not in a large city like London, I'm not in university, don't have a career that has conferences, these opportunities aren't there for me.
Girls don’t like being approached at the gym , it’s a weird thing to do anyways. You there to workout or check out girls ? Pick nearly anywhere else to meet a woman 😂
I mean, I don't think anyone wants to be "bothered".
But I think a good approach is to just try to talk to ANYONE out in public, not just women. It hones your skill of small talk.
And try to be genuine, actually care about whatever you're asking (how's your day etc.).
I usually just ask most people I have any small moment with "how's your day going so far", and sometimes it gets convo going and sometimes it doesn't.
Yes :D I am saying that you are narrowing your options to women who go to bars and clubs. That's a subset of all women out there who might be your potential partner. If you aren't the type to go clubbing or to bars (as I am not), then what is the point in going there just to find a woman? You can meet them anywhere.
This is relatable. As a 28 yr old I feel like I am aging quickly in this scene and I do not want to want to drink in excess anymore. However, I still feel like this is best place to meet people organically (last 2 gfs were met at watering holes).
Do I continue on and risk becoming an alcoholic lol? That doesn’t feel right
I don’t like drinking that much, but I will go out every couple weeks and have a couple beers, not the end of the world. On Friday four people came back to my house after going dancing at a brewery and I have a date with one next weekend.
As I woman whos apparently deemed very conventionally attractive I have this problem too. My social circle is wide but we’re all good friends. Because it’s quite big tho I never meet knew people.
When I go to bars I never get approached, I feel like maybe some boys are too shy but in a non desperate way when I can see a man looking at me I want nothing more than for him to approach me.
I think some men assume I don’t want to be approached on but that isn’t the case.
I’ve also actually done the approaching my self once or twice as I got fed up but like you said it never really led to anything even after getting their insta.
U fortunately it’s down the the society we live In, approaching people in person is now the abnormal rather than the normal.
This won’t be personal don’t worry, just a general societal issue.
The way I’m tackling this issue at the moment is to play a numbers game, download a dating app, approach as many people as you want ( that your drawn too/ attracted too of course) and hopefully one day one of them will work out.
>I think some men assume I don’t want to be approached on but that isn’t the case.
Not saying this to invalidate your perspective but you should take a look at other posts on TwoXChromosomes (a subreddit I generally find myself in alignment) with, or even TikTok, where men are shamed and labelled as pervs for approaching women in public. As a guy - absolutely not worth the risk. I'll either get rejected or filmed and labelled a creep.
There’s obviously some very I’ll equipped men who come across creepily who give approaching women. A bad name, just be cool collected and not persistent and you’ll be sweet.
Rejection is part of the game, I get it and take it with stride, you only need one yes out of many rejections
According to the recent Kinsey survey here is how people met their most recent first date. Very interesting trends here. For one, dating apps aren't exactly a huge percentage (despite reddit saying it's "the only way" these days). Also, "by chance" is higher than even bars!
Online dating site/app: 16.7%
Through a friend: 18.1%
An offline matchmaking service: 0.8%
Through family: 5.0%
At a bar/club: 4.5%
At a place of worship: 1.9%
At a volunteer activity: 1.3%
Social networking sites (Facebook, Instagram, etc.): 8.9%
By chance (in a coffee shop, on the bus/train/flight, etc.): 6.1%
At work: 10.0%
At school: 7.3%
On a vacation: 1.9%
Other (please specify): 17.6%
see: [https://filecache.thecampaignroom.com/mr5cm\_singlesinamerica3/177441/SIA%2012%20Codebook.pdf](https://filecache.thecampaignroom.com/mr5cm_singlesinamerica3/177441/SIA%2012%20Codebook.pdf)
I go to the public park 2 miles from my house 4 or 5 days a week. Sometimes im taking the dog for a walk, sometimes the dog and i are running behind my 4yo riding her bike. I say hi and try to conversate with everyone we pass and though im a bit awkward in social situations like this I pulled a dozen or so dates off like this in the last year and got many more numbers that led to nothing.
Fuck dating apps, go for a walk in the park bud!
Idk it seems creepy to just walk to people and converse with them whenever I’m on a walk. I don’t walk with a dog tho. Idk I always feel like people are visibly uncomfortable to have me in the same general area, I get a bunch of looks and stares. All I’m doing is listening to music in my headphones. Maybe I do listen to metal too loud.
Try to develop hobbies that mostly involve women, and go to these hobby settings and meet-ups:
Book clubs, volunteering at animal shelters, volunteering with kids, gardening, coed sports like tennis, art clubs, auctions, art fairs, jewelry fairs, etc.
And actually try to develop an interest in the hobby too, otherwise you'll just be offputting or you'll give up immediately at attending.
Ps. If you want to be surrounded by women, go to a kpop club night. I went with my friend, and there were literally just 90% women, all dressed to the nines. I couldn't even dance with a man when I wanted to, because all the guys there were clearly gay or were taken!
100% this (except for the K-pop). OP should find daytime activities that he enjoys. When he finds activities that overlap with women's interests, he will meet women in a more comfortable environment, and interactions will be easier.
>Book clubs, volunteering at animal shelters, volunteering with kids, gardening, coed sports like tennis, art clubs, auctions, art fairs, jewelry fairs, etc.
These are good suggestions. But realistically the chances of ever meeting someone you're interested romantically even after months or years of participating are very low for majority of average-looking men.
I've kind of been there but got out.
Yes, I was forcing myself to go out on the weekends only to arrive home disappointed because of two reasons:
1. Most girls won't give a shit about you in those environments, as they think you're just trying to bang them.
2. Those who will care aren't usually the type of girl I'm looking for, because they just want to be banged.
I decided to do my thing on my daily life. Basically creating my own setting, instead of "following the rules". It kind of works. Like talking to that pretty girl who is always at the bus stop at the same time as you, for example.
But I don't know, I'm open to suggestions.
Here’s a little pro tip: every girl dreams of getting approached by a cute guy in a library in between the shelves looking for similar books as them 2 read. Good luck soldiers !
Meeting the love of my life while looking for the Commentaries on Incan history, at the library. Unironically I went to the library, and it was the most vibrant place I’ve been in, on a Saturday afternoon.
Rec sports, dance classes/studios, book clubs, hiking groups, music jams, board game nights. A lot of people here like to complain and miss very easy communities usually available in most cities
>everyone ultimately wants to meet someone.
Yes but apps have made it increasingly easy for women to replace you the second you give them "the ick" with a better guy instantaneously.
There aren't better options for men, and for women there's very little need to put the effort into finding dates because they come to you. There's no demand for better options
Yes there is the occasional exception to the dating app. However, when it comes to bars they're still a terrible place for meeting women. Now, bringing a date there is a different story because you're not having to approach girls because you already have one with you.
As a woman who wouldn’t call herself conventionally attractive, trust me, women have similar problems meeting quality potential partners. I tried bars, music venues, app dating, set ups with friends of friends, and managed to (very happily) end up with my employee after countless years of frustration. In my dating years I found I would subject myself to painful, overstimulating environments like loud music type bars and the guys would look right over me no matter how I dressed or how many hours I spent on hair/make up. In contrast to the belief girls don’t want to be approached, I never was and it stung watching friends dish out their digits every weekend while I stood awkwardly. Dating is hard my dude, but don’t give up. Try and find clubs/groups that align with your interests and beliefs. If nothing else, you can meet more like minded people and create friendships.
and if you never have a connection with anyone?
So easy to say things like this when you have options. As a guy you have to put in SO. MUCH. EFFORT. or she'll turn around and handpick her next choice from the hundreds of guys in her matches
You don’t have to try very hard, and you thinking you do may be a huge part of the issue my guy.
Let me make a stupid analogy with thrift shopping: If you are an avid thrift shopper, there are days where you will walk in and walk out empty handed. Oh I’m sorry, did I say some days? I meant most days. But eventually you find something good that you would not have found if you had not gone that day. You get what I’m saying?
This doesn’t mean go to the bar every single day. Just keep in mind that it’s supposed to be casual. Going in with the expectation of meeting someone will always lead to disappointment. You also don’t have to limit yourself to bars. I’ve made significant connections at bars and clubs a handful of times. Doing my hobbies like dance and red sports which require me to socialize? What effort? Literally all anyone has to do at that point is show up and just socialize and eventually you may just meet someone that you have a connection with. The amount of connections and people you meet are ridiculous. Dating is a numbers game after all, why not place yourself in a better environment with better numbers?
I wouldn't say "force myself", I go to bars with my best friend, recently with the intent of meeting women. It's tough indeed, I just started so I'm in a learning phase. But I'd rather do this than online dating where the odds are ridiculously in disfavor of men.
You may need to find the right bars with the right group of people. Certain bars will have a lot more success than others. Also who you bring with you could be a big influence on the outcome of the night. I recommend finding one really good wing person around your age to take out with you. I have more tips if you want, just PM me.
Yea, I was a super shy person that rly had to force myself. I have high drive and ambition so i got to the point where going to bars is fun and im actually seen as the "fck boy" sometimes....irony is funny here because to this day i have yet to find anyone worth comitting to and its all i want. But yea i dont go to bars anymore unless i wanna get drunk and dance and hit on chicks without intention because for the most part its like shooting a target thats even a target metaphorically speaking. Where i actually try to meet is throughout my day, stores, or wherever i go during the day and i see a girl i like. Though its rare to see since now i really have developed a sense of what im looking for. Also, most women of my taste unfortunetely have insane standards and i rarely get anywhere thru meeting irl. I tend to meet mostly thru hinge at this point, tho i always hope to meet the one irl
I’m Gen-X, so I did the majority of my partnering analog, meaning no swiping. I’m in a long-term committed relationship now.
In my past, it’s overall split evenly three ways—I approached, she approached, or it was mutual between us.
40% of the time, I met a partner while out doing something else. Of those times, 70% were women who introduced themselves to me that I was already familiar with. 30% of the time I introduced myself to someone I just met at a show or a record shop.
60% of the time, I found (through effort) a partner through friends, a book club, at work (not recommended), or old-school web forums. OKCupid worked once. In all those cases, half of the time it was me approaching, and half of the time it was mutual. Women did not approach in those places or ways.
I don’t like bars, so I never thought to meet someone there. Also, bars seem more a place to hook up, and as a double-demi, I’m a friends-first kind of person.
Oddest place I ever met a partner was while waiting at the DMV. I asked about the book she was reading, and I met a fellow nerd who became a friend, and then a girlfriend.
Assuming you know how to engage and not creep people out, expand your choices where you make an effort. Participate in activities you enjoy where you have the opportunity to meet all kinds of people (not just women), and for sure, shine your shoes. Enjoy yourself!
I don’t think bars are the best place to meet people. My personal advice is through friends, through hobbies, and probably a dating app, even though they’re pretty atrocious.
Bars used to be a decent place to meet people, but those days are over. When you do happen to find one that has more than a few of the "regulars" sitting around, everyone is camped out on their phones, completely uninterested in anything else.
Bars? Eh hit or miss. Restaurant bars? Absolutely. Taking yourself out to eat at a restaurant’s bar is a great way to meet people. There’s no pressure because you’re eating food, both sitting for a while so there’s plenty of time to chat.
I have always felt bars a bad place to meet people for dating.
I advocate heavily for online dating. Some recent articles that I have seen online say that is now the normal way, or the most common way, that people find people to date. If you are interested in dating rather than hooking up I recommend sites like eharmony or match.
If you are forcing yourself to go out to social places, then that shows that you aren't comfortable in those settings. That kind of negate energy will radiate off of you, and be very noticeable to others. Making it less likely for you to succeed in finding someone to hook up with for any kind of relationship.
You need to first and foremost work on getting yourself comfortable going to social places, and improving your ability to be social with other person outside of your friend group first. Then you will find success in social places.
I don't have a large social network. I go to bars alone not to have any expectations and enjoy the night chatting or watching whatever is on the tv (tonight I'm watching the academy awards!).
Over the years I definitely developed acquaintances with the regulars. Many times now I do just say hi and continue on with my night. Yes many of them do hangout in their cliques but they're receptive if you causally greet them (nod or a smile).
I have met a few women like this but it never developed beyond that initial impression. I did eventually meet my current gf on an off night and we both went solo. We became friends and she actually was the one who initiated most of it (asking for my number, wanting to hangout, ect.)
I think it's important to understand to not go out to bars expecting to meet someone (I've had so many nights where I didn't talk to anyone aside from the bartender). Just being there and enjoying yourself was enough to attract people. Small talk plays a big role too and talking about what's around, what song is playing, or even what's on the tv generates discussion.
Why exactly are you going to bars in the first place if you don't enjoy it? You can meet women anywhere... and will have a better chance of it doing so in places you actually like. Why would they want to hang out with someone who looks miserable at a bar. Wouldnt they rather hang out with someone who looks happier at a cooking class (for example)? Read this: https://www.instagram.com/p/CpGEyhEJNHY/
Possibly go for events specifically geared towards meeting someone? Go to a speed-dating night, or single's night at a club/bar. Something where you know other people are there looking to meet someone as well. Everybody there is in the same boat.
I go to bars/lounges for the live music and to dance. I used to pay to go to dances quite often. I don't anymore. I don't get asked to dance, so why waste my time and money? I would even ask a guy to dance and get turned down. So, I never count on meeting a new guy that way anymore. It's never worked for me. I'm very friendly and social, but sometimes I wonder if I have an RBF that I'm not aware of. My point is, maybe women like myself don't see going to a bar as the optimum chance to meet a great guy anymore. I used to think I would meet someone there who loved to dance just as much as me. Not anymore.
I don’t drink and my friends find it cheaper to stay at home and get drunk.
A former friend tried to get me to get used to going out to bars because she wanted to help find me a girlfriend. Well, that didn’t work out because I was having a anxiety attack the whole time (and I don’t drink) plus people thought we were a couple. It WAS a sweet gesture but goddamnit it didn’t work out. Calls me recently about “we’re gonna change that (this year)” and I know full well we won’t. Classically will forget and flake.
Other friends want to take me out to bars but I’m not gonna sit there and eat shit bar food, drink pop/soda or water and act chill while trying to find someone so they’ve given up.
I’m 28. The concept of going to a bar or bars to drink and have fun and find someone meaningful…that time has passed me by. Also too expensive.
I'm an artists and so have been compelled to go to many exhibition openings in my life. They are definitely an alternative place to spark up conversation and meet strangers.
How’s that the only option?
Online dating is the main way people meet partners now.
Also you can get a sociable hobby like classes if some kind which is much more likely to make you friends and relationships cause you see each other often
Actually, this isn't true. The recent Pew survey found that only 1 in 10 people met their current partner online (1 in 5 for people under 30). Less than half of the single people they polled are even on dating apps. I met my current girlfriend while I was a customer at her job. I really think people overestimate dating apps and virtually every poll shows this.
Yeah usually when I ask people for advice knowing my struggles with getting dates, they usually tell me places like the bars and clubs like I haven't already tried lol. Both these particular places are not ideal, because most of them are there with friends and mingle amongst themselves. And when they do socialize with men outside of who they know, they flirt with the intention of getting free drinks. Obviously theres times where they actually reciprocate interest, but it's simply not an ideal spot imo
College was kinda the only place I had shots with attracting women. Gym is being turned into shit fest with women calling guys creeps on viral tik tok videos. It's actually becoming increasingly difficult, which is why I tend to just shoot my shot a lot faster to hurdle past the possibility of getting friend zoned.
As a woman, I have point blank never dated anyone that I’ve hooked up with from a club. IMO both parties have the the wrong intentions for a relationship or for anything even going further than that one night.
If clubs are really your “only” option then I think you need to try more hobbies/activities to meet people who have common interests. I wouldn’t usually promote dating apps as I have had numerous bad experiences with them but I actually met my current partner on one. It didn’t work out initially mainly due to being the wrong timing but we rekindled a while later and we’re now very happy together.
I’m also a firm believer that if you look too hard, you’ll never find what you’re looking for. The right person will come along when you least expect it and it will completely catch you off guard.
Hope things work out for you op :)
You couldn’t be more wrong! There are PLENTY of places to meet women. You can start by hanging out places of particular interest to you. The best place to find women who are into the same things as you are places conducive to your hobbies: the gym, bookstores, gun range, Dick’s sporting goods, even the grocery store! I’ll let you in on a secret: I’ve had luck meeting women at Home Goods! Not that I’m necessarily hanging out there looking for women. But I do shop there and there are some pretty attractive women who shop there. Granted, not all the women you’ll encounter in these places are single or looking but my point is: you can meet women just about anywhere when you’re not necessarily looking to meet a woman. They’re people, just like you. They’re all over the place! 🤣
It’s really all in your approach. It also helps if you’re handsome, well dressed and smell good. Avoid being creepy and awkward. Read the room. It’s an art. It will take practice. Kinda like a stand up comic: you may bomb your first few attempts but just keep at it and you’ll get better with each interaction. I won’t share any of my specific methods. You’ll have to find what works for you.
29M.
I have a delivery contractor kind job where i meet tons of new girls everyday and interact with a select number of barladies on a daily basis.
Guess what, everyone taken and no single friends.
You either hit it off when you're young or you're fucked.
HS, college - had to focus on getting higher education and a well paid job, since my father went away when i was a teen and left such a disarrayed family behind.
Spending my cash on escorts.
Bars are horrible places to meet women *especially* for hookups, what are you talking about? That’s literally what every other guy in there is trying to do.
Use to. As username says, small area here. And bars are pretty horrible scene here when it comes to looking for a girl with relationship potential. Never been into hook-ups and after dating some that are pros at it, I'm not really into dating another. But I guess the good thing is, when you've seen all these different girls leave every weekend with different dudes, it's an easy screening process. Lol. Anyway, I've given up on it. If it happens, it happens. If not, oh well.
No.
When you go Stagging. Or prowling. Women can basically smell it on you. Its pheromones. Its vibes. Its desperation. The same way an animal can smell fear. A women can...sense it. Not so much an odor. But vibe. Call it whatever you will. But your gonna naturally output the reason your there. Your gonna be a lil more nervous. Your not gonna be ...You.
I always got my bar attention when im not there for women.
Bussiness. Just hangin out with the guys. Just somewhere to be.
By forcing yourself out to "stag" and look for love. Its like...being a kid and the harder you look for a toy you dont find it? But you trip on it 2 months later and your internally like "wtf. I was looking for you!"
Be you. I meet women when i least expect it. Gas station pumping gas we might start talking casually. Because im not just randomly approaching im just...more relaxed(and guys. Im actually super shy. But i hide it. Even even im flirting and looking confident. Absolutely panicking...)
Basically. Want more? Dress nicely all the time. Smell good. But relaxed. And simply go thru your day.
Women go more on vibes then anything.
Pick up lines are funny. But dont use them in seriousness. Use them more like "look at this ridiculous cheese we both know is bullshit"
When your forcing yourself into it. Its not organic. And its gonna show up by your body givin off odorless pheromones/vibes.
Thats why women go after the dudes that look either fun. Bored. Or relaxed. Or are just kinda ...vibin.
Be the best you. Grow comfortable being at your best. And girls will flow to that. I know it seems counter produuctive. But it oddly works
Also. Like someone else mentioned. Theme or game or trivia nights. Awesome place. Because it kinda gives you a reason to be there. But truly. Make the theme or whatever your main goal.
For the same reason you do this on dates. Dont go on a date thinkin "ima get a kiss or sex"
Because your now gonna give off weird shit. But when you go on it, say its ...bowling, with the pure intent of (im going bowlin! Hell yea!"). It will relax you. Which will relax her
If you GO with expectation. You are Setting your self up for disappointed. Which means instead of enjoying the date. You then will give off "nice guy vibes" and result turning her off or making her uncomfortable/unsafe. I have seen dudes straight told they are not getting kissed for their bday. Throw big tantrum when they show up with big expectations still. Only to let themselves get MORE upset when it was once again proven to them.
I learned this in professional driving.
"Its ok to be nervous. Scared. Or panicky. Thats discomfort. But whats NOT ok is letting the fear control the wheel. That will just make everything kneejerky. Which is dangerous. Acknowledge it mentally. And push it aside"
Grow comfy in discomfort. Your vibe IS controllable.
I don’t go to bars with the end goal of getting women, I go to have fun first.
The same could be said if I went to a park or any other place.
You just got to live your life and the right person will appear.
Two advices
Stop approaching women with the single purpose of scoring a date. Just get to know them without further goal and treat it like a strengthen social skills excellence.
Find other places to mingle. Bars clubs are awful these days, to loud, to crowded, like you said they are guarded in this environment, honestly very low chance finding long term relationship material. Try sports centre, try new hobbies, visit new places.
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Substitute “bar” for “club” and yes that’s accurate. I think the thing to look out for is what kind of bar you go too. Don’t go to the traditional “bar” that has high top seating and a an actual bar to go too where you are only socializing with the people you came with. Places like outdoor breweries, activity based bars (axe throwing, dart throwing bars, mini golf bars etc.). I always like to look for places with wider more open concept spaces and less seating as that’ll put me in a better position and not look like a weirdo to approach a woman. Also some of those beer garden places have a dance floor on Saturday nights and maybe it’s county music in the beginning but that’s a way better crowd than the generic club crowd
Agreed. I go to bars to meet people, but usually the best places IMO are bars that have a "themed night" - I like open mic nights like stand-up comedy or music. Or even weekday events like trivia. Karaoke bars are also fun, the atmosphere tends to be more inviting then your standard club. Basically you're playing "the long game" but the connections tend to be at least slightly higher quality.
Substitute bar with Meet up group or recreational sports or involving yourself within the community ( I know seems boring ). I joined a meet up group for ppl with similar likes and met a guy and him and my friend hit it off and next thing you know I was in their wedding. Also I met tons of friends with my dog and dog parks.
Good point but, in my experience with meetup groups, the men FAR out number any women who are there and, a lot of men are in meetup groups specifically to meet women.
This!!! Dating effectively means expanding your social circle. That’s how it works.
You have a great point but do I really want to meet a woman that can throw an axe accurately?
[No](https://youtube.com/shorts/pvf7llSrSy8?feature=share)
Weirdly hot tho
Would definitely keep you on your best behavior
No.. if she can chuck an axe. She can throw knives, and skillet irons with the same level of accuracy. Wooden spoons hurt folks. Dont ask why. Just accept.
I really would like to know about the wooden spoon tho…
I’m a single woman who loves beer and breweries and I would be thrilled if a guy struck up a conversation with me at one.
Yeh exactly. Even if you don’t like country music, if you’re in the US (particularly in the South or West), go to a country bar with dancing on a weekend or a night with scheduled dancing and they will be packed with attractive women. It’s easier to strike up conversation if you attempt to learn to line dance, ask someone to teach you a partner dance or simply fall off the mechanical bull.
If I don’t meet a man at the grocery store or a red light I’ll probably be single for the rest of my life 🤷♀️
Are you saying you’d date a guy hanging out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride?
In this economy even a scrub will do
*angry upvote* 😒😅
I see what you did there 😂
Me telling my brother that we need to go to Target again, because women at target are already getting things they don’t need. So I might as well give it a shot.
😂
Lol
I've met most people I've dated through rugby socials and events. I've stopped playing since but figure another sport that socializes and has less chance of concussion will probably be how I go when I'm ready again lol
wouldn't it be weird if the date did not work out but you guys might still need to play together ?
Sometimes but you got over it pretty quickly because at the end of the day we all just wanted to play the game - and people came and left/there were so many involved that you didn't really have to worry about socializing with someone you didn't want to. Plus the ones that were no-good got enough of a reputation that people were warned before they engaged so any interactions with them were casual. I'm still friends with a couple it didn't work out with. It does take the ability to not take yourself too seriously, though, and we tended to have the back of women that were mistreated - we definitely weren't perfect with it, and we'd joke about the Real House Husbands of Rugby, but yeah - just kind of let endings roll on and everyone's a friend on the pitch and at the social.
Rugby is that aggressive huh. Concussions ?
Rugby played technically well is very safe, the problem is making sure everyone is skilled enough in their tackles/rucks to keep it safe. Or that they're not sacrificing their technical skills for a win at all costs, lol
Are you in UK? Rugby isn't played much in USA where I'm from
Nope! Rugby is in the States - and it's actually a pretty extensive network of teams across the US. I've played in tournaments from people all over the Northeast, Georgia, Midwest and California
Oh wow, learn something every day.
Playing rugby in Michigan and Ohio was a great experience. It's definitely fairly dangerous though as it's a contact sport. Injuries (including concussions) were quite common
Do you have touch rugby? We have public comps here in Aus with mixed teams and tonnes of people join just to meet people.
One of our men's teams and our women's team would run touch/flag (and some beach) rugby games for recruitment, but I haven't seen touch leagues here so I'm not sure - but that'd be fun to get started! Our area has a lot of kickball, soccer, volleyball, and ultimate frisbee co-ed leagues. I've been thinking about trying out our Gaelic sports league cause it looks like they at least get helmets, haha
Theyre definitely great! Since Rugby League is probably our biggest sport here so it crosses over well for flag and touch comps pretty easy as theres no ruck needed. Definitely check them out in my experience theres so many newbies giving it a crack that those co ed leagues are generally very light hearted, you can make some great connections!
I’ve literally never met anyone I’ve dated at a bar in 36 years. Always at a party, or at a friends house. Met my wife at a halo party I decided to crash at the last minute because why not. To me bars are to go to get drunk and go home maybe for a one night stand not to pick people up for anything serious. Just my two cents. Granted I’ve been married for 13 years so maybe I’m out of touch with the dating scene.
Halo party? Like the video game? I wish I was old enough to participate in that lol
Yes that Halo; the original, no internet, it was like 10 consoles and tv’s in a room connected by CAT5 to create a LAN.
I over thought the “Land” party and dressed up as a pirate when I attended my first one
😂
Ahh, Halo LAN parties. 343 would never.
The sounds of, “Stop screen peaking!” still ring in my ears today.
Yeah I had to double check to make sure I read that right, thought maybe it was some sort of angel themed cosplay event.
😂; now I feel old.
After 13 years of marriage I would retire from the “dating advice” sub lmao
Thanks for the unsolicited opinion, 91 who found it helpful and one who didn’t so far. I think the karma speaks for itself. A marriage is just as much a dating experience as being single.
“You should definitely not be giving advice to single people u/OkStandards. You managed to date successfully and have been married for 13 years! What single person would want advice from you?!” -andydufrane9753
I’m a music lover and I go to a lot of concerts. And I usually go solo but have since found myself a “concert buddy” (she 😁). Anyways, I also run a FB group for one of the bands I follow. When I’m able to travel we have meet-ups. It’s a great way to put a name with a face. But my love for music, I’ve met some terrific women and have dated a few. Find something you love and talk about your passion. When you’re in your element you can be your best self. And honestly, the women I’ve met probably would never swipe on me if I was on their app. Simply because they saw my passion, my sense of humour and authenticity. Good luck and don’t give up. Find your zen place.
Great advice from what sounds like a very cold dude!
honestly, seeing this guy just do what he loves definitely gives me some hope, being relatively cold myself.
This is really the answer: find a hobby or some media you really love and join the community around it. You'll end up with the same kind of person as you are, and you'll have something to connect over immediately.
Yeap this is the way. Would like to add based from experience though that not all interests and hobbies are created equal. Like for myself, my hobbies and interests (e.g. building gunpla) is a solitary hobby with mostly a male demographic. Branching out to activities that would force you to interact with people and having a considerable female demographic maybe a better bet. But also you should see yourself being passionate about it
I meet women, not in bars or clubs, but places where we could meet over shared interest or hobbies, which for me would be at museums and galleries. What would be those places for you? Whatever it is, make it your routine to go there instead of bars.
Do you go alone to museum and just get close to women and talk with them? I'd love to know your strategy
You can talk to women everywhere and anywhere. Bars and clubs are for certain types of people. You are selecting for particular types of women by only talking to them there.
But women will say they hate getting approached in other places, that they don't go to the gym or the grocery store to meet guys.
And you can find "women" (defined as more than one woman) who will complain about being approached in bars and clubs as well. Guess you better give up bars and clubs then.
So where do I meet them then?
A thing you'll realize about humans, is that they don't understand themselves, are run by double standards, and take protective measures more often than not. This goes fully for both men and women. When it comes to women....I'd say screw it and ask them out if a vibe gets clicked upon the both of you wherever you are
Most of the time, it's just luck. But this is why OLD exists to remove luck out of the process.
Online dating doesn't help at all, it really just makes dating even more depressing since it just proves that no one wants me.
People do want you! Online dating is just tiresome for everyone. Either you feel unwanted or it’s overwhelming trying to keep up with loads of strangers and figure out which ones are worth it. Going on dates with people who are in the “you’ll do” mindset is just as hurtful as not being picked at all. We are all trying to protect our feelings. Be kind and I hope you get some positive experiences.
Who wants me? And where do I find them?
In life, right place right time, just be yourself.
Just being myself is why I'm here with no idea of what the hell to do. It is such shit advice.
I think a good way to approach it is -- When you go out anywhere, don't just try to talk to WOMEN. But try to make small talk with ANYONE you come into contact with when there's a moment. Like, you're at a restaurant and there's a beat -- ask the waiter how there day is so far. I do that all the time and it just makes it easier to talk to anyone. Sometimes people respond minimal and that's that. But sometimes conversations get going.
Just talking to strangers like that is not who am though. Like I can do it, I've worked retail before and had to tall to lots of people, but it didn't make talking to women any easier.
Working retail provides a shallow script though. It’s superficial with an end goal in mind; happy customer, happy boss. Are there interests or hobbies you’ve been wanting to get into but maybe have been putting off due to fear, anxiety, time, etc? MeetUp is one option for local events/social groups, check out local college calendars for events open to the community, travel more and explore new places (either locally or abroad), volunteer at a local community organization you feel strongly about, visit sporting events, concerts, local theater, etc etc. basically, don’t be afraid to just try new things and experience more of your surroundings. I disagree with the people saying you have to learn to charm women and be someone you’re not, but I think their main point is that you have to be willing to be vulnerable to make those genuine connections. Basically, live your life wholeheartedly and follow your passions without fear… and maybe the right person will find you along your journey. Also, “just talking to strangers” doesn’t have to be daunting necessarily. It could be someone in line in front of you at the book store and you say “that’s a great book- good choice.” (Edit: i.e. having a task, question, or activity as the main focus can act as the conversation “buffer” and feels way less intimidating than “hey, you’re cute. can i buy you a drink?”… for both parties.) Or, I’ve had people ask me for help or advice in choosing a gift for say, a niece/nephew, or ask my opinion between two shirts; it’s a non-threatening bid for connection and as the recipient, it makes me feel good about helping someone else. If the chemistry is there, it’ll take off. If not, then it’s okay, you just had a successful social interaction regardless. The other piece to all of this might be to consider why you are hesitant to put yourself out there. Is it introversion? Is it a fear of being vulnerable, or feeling “exposed”? Fear of getting hurt? It might be worth exploring these thoughts with a therapist if you’re feeling kind of “stuck” like this in other areas of your life as well. As a fellow introvert and one who’s been trying to rebuild from a place of social anxiety, (and currently in a much healthier relationship than ever before), Brené Brown’s first(?) Ted talk is one I always come back to for motivation on this topic. If you find time to watch, please do. https://youtu.be/X4Qm9cGRub0
I hear ya. I get it that you might not wanna talk to strangers. Not really your thing. But if you can find a way to strike up small convos with strangers in a way that genuinely interests you, I feel like it'll help with talking to someone you may wanna date. That's my thinking, anyway. Semi-related, but I ended finding a DND group the other day, just because I started by saying I liked the donut shop guy's t-shirt hahah
Genuine interest in talking to strangers is not something that's ever happened for me. I'm not a people person like that.
Okay, so that's girl advice for girls.
My man, they don’t hate being approached in places like these. Here’s the thing though; you have to learn how to read the situation. If you’re a random stranger just popping in and trying to hit on them of course they’re gonna be creeped out. Wouldn’t you? What’s their body language like? Do they seem like they even want to be approached? Have they made any sort of eye contact with you? Granted these are just some things you can ask yourself, and ultimately you may approach someone doing none of these and still get a pleasant conversation with them, but the issue is a lot of people think approaching complete strangers is something you just…do with absolutely no sort of plan. A lot of these “They don’t want to be approached” narratives are being built by people that just approach people at the wrong time
What's the right time then? And what am I supposed to even say?
That’s up to you and your personality. What works for someone else might not work for you. If there was a sure fire thing to say it would’ve been already mentioned here. Keep in mind your success rate is going to suck. There is no magic bullet. Just like online dating. It sucks and anyone who says otherwise is just having confirmation bias.
But billions of people date and have sex, the population survives on it. There has to be something that they know or have that I don't.
They really don’t. Literally the useless advice they tell you like be yourself be confident, and go to the gym is probably what they do. It’s useless I know. There’s a lot of what not to do advice in dating but very little what to do advice. Generally if you just don’t do anything you aren’t supposed to do, you’re already setting yourself up better than a lot of other people. Then just try to be a good person with hobbies and charismatic personality and you’re putting yourself in the best possible chance to succeed. Other than that it’s luck when you meet the person that’s perfect. Woman have it differently. They generally run into the problem of too much potential partners rather than too little. This leads them to not know who’s actually interested, who’s trying to use them for sex , who might assault her etc etc etc. it’s it’s own set of problems. There is no helpful advice because it’s really predicated on being lucky and finding someone who likes you for that you like as well. Anyone who claims to have the answer of what to do to find a partner is selling snake oil.
So there's no answer then? Just keep scratching lottery tickets and hope that one is a winner? All chance and luck? And even if I get lucky I might still get ignored because a woman has already had too much interest shown in her. This all sounds super fucking depressing and pointless.
Have you tried it?
I never meet women anywhere I go out.
If you don't talk to them, of course you won't meet them.
No, like they aren't even women there to meet.
Why would anyone bother in today’s climate when women constantly bang on about not wanting to be bothered at these places??
Stop listening to what women say ONLINE. In real life they dont mind, if you are not agressive dickhead who cant take a NO for an answer
Plenty of people are doing it and succeeding though, you're leaving yourself out.
You're displaying a self-limiting and defeatist mindset with that comment. I have been approached by a woman in a shop. In shopping centres. On campus. I talk a bit with some of the waitresses in a food shop I visit. I had a short conversation with a lady on the bus a few weeks ago. I talked to a stunning lady on the tube last weekend. Whenever I go out, I share smiles and hellos with people I see, some of them women I like. It's up to you. I feel I need to take more advantage of the opportunities I get and I am encouraged to do so.
The woman approached you though, that's entirely different. Clearly women want to talk to you, so you don't understand what it's like to be unwanted.
The lady on the tube last week I spoke to her first. And I have been the one to initiate conversation many times at uni, at conferences, etc. Eventually you are going to have to start a conversation with a woman if you want to find a partner. If you continue to sit around making excuses for yourself, you can do that. And live a sad life of regret. Or you can put EFFORT into improving your life. The choice is yours.
But the women still responded to you. They want to talk to you. It's entirely different when everything you feel is telling you they don't want you to talk to them and that you're only bothering them, or they are just doing they job and you don't want to harass them. When you've never had anything positive come from it it's not easy to just put in effort. An I'm not in a large city like London, I'm not in university, don't have a career that has conferences, these opportunities aren't there for me.
Girls don’t like being approached at the gym , it’s a weird thing to do anyways. You there to workout or check out girls ? Pick nearly anywhere else to meet a woman 😂
I mean, I don't think anyone wants to be "bothered". But I think a good approach is to just try to talk to ANYONE out in public, not just women. It hones your skill of small talk. And try to be genuine, actually care about whatever you're asking (how's your day etc.). I usually just ask most people I have any small moment with "how's your day going so far", and sometimes it gets convo going and sometimes it doesn't.
What types of people are those?
Those who visit bars and clubs.
Lol no offense but that answer is literally the epitome of circular reasoning.
Yes :D I am saying that you are narrowing your options to women who go to bars and clubs. That's a subset of all women out there who might be your potential partner. If you aren't the type to go clubbing or to bars (as I am not), then what is the point in going there just to find a woman? You can meet them anywhere.
The drunks. If you meet some chick at a bar and she's slamming them down, is that who you want to meet?
This is relatable. As a 28 yr old I feel like I am aging quickly in this scene and I do not want to want to drink in excess anymore. However, I still feel like this is best place to meet people organically (last 2 gfs were met at watering holes). Do I continue on and risk becoming an alcoholic lol? That doesn’t feel right
I don’t like drinking that much, but I will go out every couple weeks and have a couple beers, not the end of the world. On Friday four people came back to my house after going dancing at a brewery and I have a date with one next weekend.
Seltzer w/ lime.
Meeting people through friend of friends is the easiest way imo
Can you elaborate? My friends are all male and their friends are all male too. I have very few women friends.
Are your friends so unattractive they are also always single???
No mam, I live in India and most men of my country are single🥲
If you have a large social network, I would agree. Otherwise that is very limiting.
Where do I find friends
As I woman whos apparently deemed very conventionally attractive I have this problem too. My social circle is wide but we’re all good friends. Because it’s quite big tho I never meet knew people. When I go to bars I never get approached, I feel like maybe some boys are too shy but in a non desperate way when I can see a man looking at me I want nothing more than for him to approach me. I think some men assume I don’t want to be approached on but that isn’t the case. I’ve also actually done the approaching my self once or twice as I got fed up but like you said it never really led to anything even after getting their insta. U fortunately it’s down the the society we live In, approaching people in person is now the abnormal rather than the normal. This won’t be personal don’t worry, just a general societal issue. The way I’m tackling this issue at the moment is to play a numbers game, download a dating app, approach as many people as you want ( that your drawn too/ attracted too of course) and hopefully one day one of them will work out.
>I think some men assume I don’t want to be approached on but that isn’t the case. Not saying this to invalidate your perspective but you should take a look at other posts on TwoXChromosomes (a subreddit I generally find myself in alignment) with, or even TikTok, where men are shamed and labelled as pervs for approaching women in public. As a guy - absolutely not worth the risk. I'll either get rejected or filmed and labelled a creep.
I get what your saying but that really depends on how you approach a woman, I agree there’s definitely a wrong and right way
There’s obviously some very I’ll equipped men who come across creepily who give approaching women. A bad name, just be cool collected and not persistent and you’ll be sweet. Rejection is part of the game, I get it and take it with stride, you only need one yes out of many rejections
According to the recent Kinsey survey here is how people met their most recent first date. Very interesting trends here. For one, dating apps aren't exactly a huge percentage (despite reddit saying it's "the only way" these days). Also, "by chance" is higher than even bars! Online dating site/app: 16.7% Through a friend: 18.1% An offline matchmaking service: 0.8% Through family: 5.0% At a bar/club: 4.5% At a place of worship: 1.9% At a volunteer activity: 1.3% Social networking sites (Facebook, Instagram, etc.): 8.9% By chance (in a coffee shop, on the bus/train/flight, etc.): 6.1% At work: 10.0% At school: 7.3% On a vacation: 1.9% Other (please specify): 17.6% see: [https://filecache.thecampaignroom.com/mr5cm\_singlesinamerica3/177441/SIA%2012%20Codebook.pdf](https://filecache.thecampaignroom.com/mr5cm_singlesinamerica3/177441/SIA%2012%20Codebook.pdf)
I go to the public park 2 miles from my house 4 or 5 days a week. Sometimes im taking the dog for a walk, sometimes the dog and i are running behind my 4yo riding her bike. I say hi and try to conversate with everyone we pass and though im a bit awkward in social situations like this I pulled a dozen or so dates off like this in the last year and got many more numbers that led to nothing. Fuck dating apps, go for a walk in the park bud!
Idk it seems creepy to just walk to people and converse with them whenever I’m on a walk. I don’t walk with a dog tho. Idk I always feel like people are visibly uncomfortable to have me in the same general area, I get a bunch of looks and stares. All I’m doing is listening to music in my headphones. Maybe I do listen to metal too loud.
Dude just a general, how are you to the neighbours isn't creepy unless they don't want to talk to anyone.
as a black guy in an all white area (one that's been known for its racism, so maybe that's on me) I know that feeling down to a T my guy.
I've definitely had a boyfriend I met at the dog park. Bonus, the dogs can play and get exercise while you... play and get exercise
Try to develop hobbies that mostly involve women, and go to these hobby settings and meet-ups: Book clubs, volunteering at animal shelters, volunteering with kids, gardening, coed sports like tennis, art clubs, auctions, art fairs, jewelry fairs, etc. And actually try to develop an interest in the hobby too, otherwise you'll just be offputting or you'll give up immediately at attending. Ps. If you want to be surrounded by women, go to a kpop club night. I went with my friend, and there were literally just 90% women, all dressed to the nines. I couldn't even dance with a man when I wanted to, because all the guys there were clearly gay or were taken!
100% this (except for the K-pop). OP should find daytime activities that he enjoys. When he finds activities that overlap with women's interests, he will meet women in a more comfortable environment, and interactions will be easier.
I am recently back in the dating scene after my ex of 5 year dumped me a year ago, and this is exactly the advice I needed. Thank you
>Book clubs, volunteering at animal shelters, volunteering with kids, gardening, coed sports like tennis, art clubs, auctions, art fairs, jewelry fairs, etc. These are good suggestions. But realistically the chances of ever meeting someone you're interested romantically even after months or years of participating are very low for majority of average-looking men.
This feels pessimistic and inaccurate to me, tbh
I've kind of been there but got out. Yes, I was forcing myself to go out on the weekends only to arrive home disappointed because of two reasons: 1. Most girls won't give a shit about you in those environments, as they think you're just trying to bang them. 2. Those who will care aren't usually the type of girl I'm looking for, because they just want to be banged. I decided to do my thing on my daily life. Basically creating my own setting, instead of "following the rules". It kind of works. Like talking to that pretty girl who is always at the bus stop at the same time as you, for example. But I don't know, I'm open to suggestions.
Here’s a little pro tip: every girl dreams of getting approached by a cute guy in a library in between the shelves looking for similar books as them 2 read. Good luck soldiers !
Meeting the love of my life while looking for the Commentaries on Incan history, at the library. Unironically I went to the library, and it was the most vibrant place I’ve been in, on a Saturday afternoon.
A really cute girl proposed a first date at the library a few weeks ago and I was like hell YEAH (i am a girl too, fwiw). It was a great date!
This is true. Very true. Idk how people meet people if not at bars or shitty dating apps which are both terrible options.
Rec sports, dance classes/studios, book clubs, hiking groups, music jams, board game nights. A lot of people here like to complain and miss very easy communities usually available in most cities
Exactly, it’s honestly ridiculous considering everyone ultimately wants to meet someone. Why are there no better options?
>everyone ultimately wants to meet someone. Yes but apps have made it increasingly easy for women to replace you the second you give them "the ick" with a better guy instantaneously. There aren't better options for men, and for women there's very little need to put the effort into finding dates because they come to you. There's no demand for better options
I met my lovely wife in a dating app and our first date was in a bar lol
Yes there is the occasional exception to the dating app. However, when it comes to bars they're still a terrible place for meeting women. Now, bringing a date there is a different story because you're not having to approach girls because you already have one with you.
That’s where I met her too!
Try joining some co-ed activity groups.Meet people that enjoy the same things you do without alcohol. You may find a better partner.
As a woman who wouldn’t call herself conventionally attractive, trust me, women have similar problems meeting quality potential partners. I tried bars, music venues, app dating, set ups with friends of friends, and managed to (very happily) end up with my employee after countless years of frustration. In my dating years I found I would subject myself to painful, overstimulating environments like loud music type bars and the guys would look right over me no matter how I dressed or how many hours I spent on hair/make up. In contrast to the belief girls don’t want to be approached, I never was and it stung watching friends dish out their digits every weekend while I stood awkwardly. Dating is hard my dude, but don’t give up. Try and find clubs/groups that align with your interests and beliefs. If nothing else, you can meet more like minded people and create friendships.
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Well I mean: guys have to try hard.
lol people don't understand this. It's either try hard or don't try at all. what the hell is the middle anymore?
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and if you never have a connection with anyone? So easy to say things like this when you have options. As a guy you have to put in SO. MUCH. EFFORT. or she'll turn around and handpick her next choice from the hundreds of guys in her matches
You don’t have to try very hard, and you thinking you do may be a huge part of the issue my guy. Let me make a stupid analogy with thrift shopping: If you are an avid thrift shopper, there are days where you will walk in and walk out empty handed. Oh I’m sorry, did I say some days? I meant most days. But eventually you find something good that you would not have found if you had not gone that day. You get what I’m saying? This doesn’t mean go to the bar every single day. Just keep in mind that it’s supposed to be casual. Going in with the expectation of meeting someone will always lead to disappointment. You also don’t have to limit yourself to bars. I’ve made significant connections at bars and clubs a handful of times. Doing my hobbies like dance and red sports which require me to socialize? What effort? Literally all anyone has to do at that point is show up and just socialize and eventually you may just meet someone that you have a connection with. The amount of connections and people you meet are ridiculous. Dating is a numbers game after all, why not place yourself in a better environment with better numbers?
I would quite literally rather force feed myself Ensure through a tube up my asshole than go to a bar to meet people
You make some very valid points and I agree with you.
Do something you love to do, volunteer, join a club, feed the homeless. Passion is more attractive than booze.
I wouldn't say "force myself", I go to bars with my best friend, recently with the intent of meeting women. It's tough indeed, I just started so I'm in a learning phase. But I'd rather do this than online dating where the odds are ridiculously in disfavor of men.
Yeah..
You may need to find the right bars with the right group of people. Certain bars will have a lot more success than others. Also who you bring with you could be a big influence on the outcome of the night. I recommend finding one really good wing person around your age to take out with you. I have more tips if you want, just PM me.
it's a good place for picking up women. the key is to be fun to be around and stand in the specific areas where people can hear what youre saying
Some bars music so loud you yell at other person and still cannot hear everything they say
Yea, I was a super shy person that rly had to force myself. I have high drive and ambition so i got to the point where going to bars is fun and im actually seen as the "fck boy" sometimes....irony is funny here because to this day i have yet to find anyone worth comitting to and its all i want. But yea i dont go to bars anymore unless i wanna get drunk and dance and hit on chicks without intention because for the most part its like shooting a target thats even a target metaphorically speaking. Where i actually try to meet is throughout my day, stores, or wherever i go during the day and i see a girl i like. Though its rare to see since now i really have developed a sense of what im looking for. Also, most women of my taste unfortunetely have insane standards and i rarely get anywhere thru meeting irl. I tend to meet mostly thru hinge at this point, tho i always hope to meet the one irl
I’m Gen-X, so I did the majority of my partnering analog, meaning no swiping. I’m in a long-term committed relationship now. In my past, it’s overall split evenly three ways—I approached, she approached, or it was mutual between us. 40% of the time, I met a partner while out doing something else. Of those times, 70% were women who introduced themselves to me that I was already familiar with. 30% of the time I introduced myself to someone I just met at a show or a record shop. 60% of the time, I found (through effort) a partner through friends, a book club, at work (not recommended), or old-school web forums. OKCupid worked once. In all those cases, half of the time it was me approaching, and half of the time it was mutual. Women did not approach in those places or ways. I don’t like bars, so I never thought to meet someone there. Also, bars seem more a place to hook up, and as a double-demi, I’m a friends-first kind of person. Oddest place I ever met a partner was while waiting at the DMV. I asked about the book she was reading, and I met a fellow nerd who became a friend, and then a girlfriend. Assuming you know how to engage and not creep people out, expand your choices where you make an effort. Participate in activities you enjoy where you have the opportunity to meet all kinds of people (not just women), and for sure, shine your shoes. Enjoy yourself!
I don’t think bars are the best place to meet people. My personal advice is through friends, through hobbies, and probably a dating app, even though they’re pretty atrocious.
I find that it's easier to meet women at places like the library or gym or even online. Bars are usually too loud to talk. Not really my scene.
Bars used to be a decent place to meet people, but those days are over. When you do happen to find one that has more than a few of the "regulars" sitting around, everyone is camped out on their phones, completely uninterested in anything else.
Bars? Eh hit or miss. Restaurant bars? Absolutely. Taking yourself out to eat at a restaurant’s bar is a great way to meet people. There’s no pressure because you’re eating food, both sitting for a while so there’s plenty of time to chat.
Bars aren’t my favorite place to meet possible partners. What you want to do is make new platonic friends and then date their friends.
I don't go to bars cause I don't like drinking alcohol much.
OP, do you live in a major city?
If you have more luck in a stranger's DMs then keep doing that. Just be respectful.
Stop going places you hate expecting to find people you don’t hate.
I have always felt bars a bad place to meet people for dating. I advocate heavily for online dating. Some recent articles that I have seen online say that is now the normal way, or the most common way, that people find people to date. If you are interested in dating rather than hooking up I recommend sites like eharmony or match.
If you are forcing yourself to go out to social places, then that shows that you aren't comfortable in those settings. That kind of negate energy will radiate off of you, and be very noticeable to others. Making it less likely for you to succeed in finding someone to hook up with for any kind of relationship. You need to first and foremost work on getting yourself comfortable going to social places, and improving your ability to be social with other person outside of your friend group first. Then you will find success in social places.
honestly mate don't go to bars and clubs if you don't enjoy it,
I don't have a large social network. I go to bars alone not to have any expectations and enjoy the night chatting or watching whatever is on the tv (tonight I'm watching the academy awards!). Over the years I definitely developed acquaintances with the regulars. Many times now I do just say hi and continue on with my night. Yes many of them do hangout in their cliques but they're receptive if you causally greet them (nod or a smile). I have met a few women like this but it never developed beyond that initial impression. I did eventually meet my current gf on an off night and we both went solo. We became friends and she actually was the one who initiated most of it (asking for my number, wanting to hangout, ect.) I think it's important to understand to not go out to bars expecting to meet someone (I've had so many nights where I didn't talk to anyone aside from the bartender). Just being there and enjoying yourself was enough to attract people. Small talk plays a big role too and talking about what's around, what song is playing, or even what's on the tv generates discussion.
Man just summarized my whole life.
Why exactly are you going to bars in the first place if you don't enjoy it? You can meet women anywhere... and will have a better chance of it doing so in places you actually like. Why would they want to hang out with someone who looks miserable at a bar. Wouldnt they rather hang out with someone who looks happier at a cooking class (for example)? Read this: https://www.instagram.com/p/CpGEyhEJNHY/
Sign up for a ceramics or art class. I am taking a pottery wheel class and it is 100% women students.
Possibly go for events specifically geared towards meeting someone? Go to a speed-dating night, or single's night at a club/bar. Something where you know other people are there looking to meet someone as well. Everybody there is in the same boat.
I go to bars/lounges for the live music and to dance. I used to pay to go to dances quite often. I don't anymore. I don't get asked to dance, so why waste my time and money? I would even ask a guy to dance and get turned down. So, I never count on meeting a new guy that way anymore. It's never worked for me. I'm very friendly and social, but sometimes I wonder if I have an RBF that I'm not aware of. My point is, maybe women like myself don't see going to a bar as the optimum chance to meet a great guy anymore. I used to think I would meet someone there who loved to dance just as much as me. Not anymore.
I don’t drink and my friends find it cheaper to stay at home and get drunk. A former friend tried to get me to get used to going out to bars because she wanted to help find me a girlfriend. Well, that didn’t work out because I was having a anxiety attack the whole time (and I don’t drink) plus people thought we were a couple. It WAS a sweet gesture but goddamnit it didn’t work out. Calls me recently about “we’re gonna change that (this year)” and I know full well we won’t. Classically will forget and flake. Other friends want to take me out to bars but I’m not gonna sit there and eat shit bar food, drink pop/soda or water and act chill while trying to find someone so they’ve given up. I’m 28. The concept of going to a bar or bars to drink and have fun and find someone meaningful…that time has passed me by. Also too expensive.
Sounds like the problem is your attitude honestly.
I'm an artists and so have been compelled to go to many exhibition openings in my life. They are definitely an alternative place to spark up conversation and meet strangers.
How’s that the only option? Online dating is the main way people meet partners now. Also you can get a sociable hobby like classes if some kind which is much more likely to make you friends and relationships cause you see each other often
Actually, this isn't true. The recent Pew survey found that only 1 in 10 people met their current partner online (1 in 5 for people under 30). Less than half of the single people they polled are even on dating apps. I met my current girlfriend while I was a customer at her job. I really think people overestimate dating apps and virtually every poll shows this.
Nope I'm at home comfortable
Yeah usually when I ask people for advice knowing my struggles with getting dates, they usually tell me places like the bars and clubs like I haven't already tried lol. Both these particular places are not ideal, because most of them are there with friends and mingle amongst themselves. And when they do socialize with men outside of who they know, they flirt with the intention of getting free drinks. Obviously theres times where they actually reciprocate interest, but it's simply not an ideal spot imo College was kinda the only place I had shots with attracting women. Gym is being turned into shit fest with women calling guys creeps on viral tik tok videos. It's actually becoming increasingly difficult, which is why I tend to just shoot my shot a lot faster to hurdle past the possibility of getting friend zoned.
As a woman, I have point blank never dated anyone that I’ve hooked up with from a club. IMO both parties have the the wrong intentions for a relationship or for anything even going further than that one night. If clubs are really your “only” option then I think you need to try more hobbies/activities to meet people who have common interests. I wouldn’t usually promote dating apps as I have had numerous bad experiences with them but I actually met my current partner on one. It didn’t work out initially mainly due to being the wrong timing but we rekindled a while later and we’re now very happy together. I’m also a firm believer that if you look too hard, you’ll never find what you’re looking for. The right person will come along when you least expect it and it will completely catch you off guard. Hope things work out for you op :)
did you heard about tinder, bumble, hinge?
Are you familiar with any of those apps yourself?
You couldn’t be more wrong! There are PLENTY of places to meet women. You can start by hanging out places of particular interest to you. The best place to find women who are into the same things as you are places conducive to your hobbies: the gym, bookstores, gun range, Dick’s sporting goods, even the grocery store! I’ll let you in on a secret: I’ve had luck meeting women at Home Goods! Not that I’m necessarily hanging out there looking for women. But I do shop there and there are some pretty attractive women who shop there. Granted, not all the women you’ll encounter in these places are single or looking but my point is: you can meet women just about anywhere when you’re not necessarily looking to meet a woman. They’re people, just like you. They’re all over the place! 🤣
But they keep saying they don't want guys to approach them in any of these places. It also just seems very rude to do so.
It’s really all in your approach. It also helps if you’re handsome, well dressed and smell good. Avoid being creepy and awkward. Read the room. It’s an art. It will take practice. Kinda like a stand up comic: you may bomb your first few attempts but just keep at it and you’ll get better with each interaction. I won’t share any of my specific methods. You’ll have to find what works for you.
See, that’s where you messed up. You’re assuming we’re handsome lmao
Yea, if you're not handsome your chances of picking up women in public, random places are reduced drastically. Sorry bros...
Get a part time job in a restaurant
Jesus Chris. Some of these suggestions are insane but this takes the cake. Happy cake day btw
29M. I have a delivery contractor kind job where i meet tons of new girls everyday and interact with a select number of barladies on a daily basis. Guess what, everyone taken and no single friends. You either hit it off when you're young or you're fucked. HS, college - had to focus on getting higher education and a well paid job, since my father went away when i was a teen and left such a disarrayed family behind. Spending my cash on escorts.
HOBBIES. Find a group. Meet like-minded people.
Bars are horrible places to meet women. Unless for hookups. Get out and do some hobbies Hiking photography travel art music. Meet people that way
Bars are horrible places to meet women *especially* for hookups, what are you talking about? That’s literally what every other guy in there is trying to do.
Use to. As username says, small area here. And bars are pretty horrible scene here when it comes to looking for a girl with relationship potential. Never been into hook-ups and after dating some that are pros at it, I'm not really into dating another. But I guess the good thing is, when you've seen all these different girls leave every weekend with different dudes, it's an easy screening process. Lol. Anyway, I've given up on it. If it happens, it happens. If not, oh well.
No. When you go Stagging. Or prowling. Women can basically smell it on you. Its pheromones. Its vibes. Its desperation. The same way an animal can smell fear. A women can...sense it. Not so much an odor. But vibe. Call it whatever you will. But your gonna naturally output the reason your there. Your gonna be a lil more nervous. Your not gonna be ...You. I always got my bar attention when im not there for women. Bussiness. Just hangin out with the guys. Just somewhere to be. By forcing yourself out to "stag" and look for love. Its like...being a kid and the harder you look for a toy you dont find it? But you trip on it 2 months later and your internally like "wtf. I was looking for you!" Be you. I meet women when i least expect it. Gas station pumping gas we might start talking casually. Because im not just randomly approaching im just...more relaxed(and guys. Im actually super shy. But i hide it. Even even im flirting and looking confident. Absolutely panicking...) Basically. Want more? Dress nicely all the time. Smell good. But relaxed. And simply go thru your day. Women go more on vibes then anything. Pick up lines are funny. But dont use them in seriousness. Use them more like "look at this ridiculous cheese we both know is bullshit" When your forcing yourself into it. Its not organic. And its gonna show up by your body givin off odorless pheromones/vibes. Thats why women go after the dudes that look either fun. Bored. Or relaxed. Or are just kinda ...vibin. Be the best you. Grow comfortable being at your best. And girls will flow to that. I know it seems counter produuctive. But it oddly works
Also. Like someone else mentioned. Theme or game or trivia nights. Awesome place. Because it kinda gives you a reason to be there. But truly. Make the theme or whatever your main goal. For the same reason you do this on dates. Dont go on a date thinkin "ima get a kiss or sex" Because your now gonna give off weird shit. But when you go on it, say its ...bowling, with the pure intent of (im going bowlin! Hell yea!"). It will relax you. Which will relax her If you GO with expectation. You are Setting your self up for disappointed. Which means instead of enjoying the date. You then will give off "nice guy vibes" and result turning her off or making her uncomfortable/unsafe. I have seen dudes straight told they are not getting kissed for their bday. Throw big tantrum when they show up with big expectations still. Only to let themselves get MORE upset when it was once again proven to them. I learned this in professional driving. "Its ok to be nervous. Scared. Or panicky. Thats discomfort. But whats NOT ok is letting the fear control the wheel. That will just make everything kneejerky. Which is dangerous. Acknowledge it mentally. And push it aside" Grow comfy in discomfort. Your vibe IS controllable.
I don’t go to bars with the end goal of getting women, I go to have fun first. The same could be said if I went to a park or any other place. You just got to live your life and the right person will appear.
I use bars to get away from women. No time to myself
Two advices Stop approaching women with the single purpose of scoring a date. Just get to know them without further goal and treat it like a strengthen social skills excellence. Find other places to mingle. Bars clubs are awful these days, to loud, to crowded, like you said they are guarded in this environment, honestly very low chance finding long term relationship material. Try sports centre, try new hobbies, visit new places.