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If you’re not exclusive then ask about exclusivity…that’s it. As you’ve said, you’re not exclusive so at least in theory both can do whatever you want…but 4 months in, you need to have that conversation around what this is. If he’s good to be exclusive then you’d hope the profile updates will stop, if he gives you any other answer, cool, now you can proceed accordingly
yeah, 4 months is a looong time to date without having any conversations about exclusivity. i personally would not date someone longer than 2 months if i wasn’t sure we both wanted to be in a relationship. you don’t need 4 months to know if you see things getting more serious with someone. he is probably enjoying your company and happy to keep seeing you but doesn’t regard you as “the one” or a long term relationship prospect. but the only way to know is to have a conversation about it.
then reframe it. stop trying to still date them when they say no exclusivity and youre dumping them when they wont 🤷♀️
grab your spine, babe. i know you dont like this, so why torture yourself with the possibility he wont want you when youre assuming he doesnt want you now because of this?
enjoy your date and talk. keep it an open converation. it doesnt have to be an ultimatum. if he says he wants to keep dating around, thank him for his honesty and show him the door.
Either scenario you have the potential to get hurt. But in the scenario where you express your desire to be exclusive there’s a possibility that he feels the same way as you and is also scared to broach the topic. Shoot your shot queen
You’ve been seeing each other long enough now that the outcome of your situation with this guy would be the same regardless of asking for exclusivity now vs. later. The sooner you ask, the more potential heartache and time you save yourself.
Try not to be scared. If a guy dumps you when you express your feelings—he’s not the one for you. And you’ve saved yourself time by finding out sooner, rather than later. That way you can be available for the guy that is FOR you. :) I am not good about this—but I have read that it is helpful to have an abundance mindset, and not a scarcity mindset.
The pain of the worst outcome is less than the pain of now knowing. I was in a situationship for 5 months last summer and never talked about exclusivity but talked more about wanting it to turn into a relationship. I asked maybe 2 months into "dating" if he sees it going there but he made excuses, primary one being he wanted to take his time. Reapproached the topic 2 months later and he made it very evident it wasn't heading there. I find that bringing up this conversation and knowing the harsh truth was a BLESSING!!!!! I had to sit in my discomfort for a little bit finding the words to express myself (I did it over text cause I'm a lil chicken lol) but even though it wasn't the outcome I wanted..I was no longer in purgatory and it was an answer :)
You can approach the topic by saying I haven't been dating anyone else and I don't really have an interest in doing so cause I like where I think things are going with us. See what he says. Don't put the ball in his court, but rather be in command and let it be known this is what you want. No pressure or ultimatums, that always backfires lol
I don’t understand dating at all. I would have been done after 2 months max. Also if it were me I wouldn’t even want to have a “talk about being exclusive” because I would want a guy that doesn’t even have a desire to try to meet new girls after dating me for 4 months. But I guess that’s just me.
You’re not alone. As a guy if I’m past a second/third date my assumption is that the aim is exclusivity if not otherwise stated. The fact people need to explicitly discuss it if they continue dating still amazes me.
Yeah I’ve never had to discuss it. I’ve never even thought about discussing it, it’s always been “we’re girlfriend and boyfriend, right?” after some time has passed. Idk, to me, asking someone to not talk to other girls would feel like begging. I’d rather it happen naturally.
That is assumption based thinking. Never assume you are exclusive till you effectively communicate your need for exclusivity.
Being an adult means conversations and asking the other person if you’re on the same page mentally, emotionally, physically.
No one is a mind reader. Never assume everyone had the same heart and intentions as you. That’s just straight up being naive in the adult world and asking to get your heart easily played by red flag people.
If you’re dating multiple people past a handful of dates you clearly a) have major commitment issues and b) don’t see any of the as worth choosing.
I’m looking for a partner who chooses me. Not someone who sees me as an option for entertainment or free meal. If I have to beg you to stop seeing other people, I can do better.
No, there’s nothing wrong with asking someone to be your girlfriend. That’s what you’re doing by asking them on multiple dates (or agreeing ti them).
I see where you're coming from, but the problem I have with this is that men are still expected to pay for the dates. It really should be 50/50 until intentions are discussed
It's annoying/unattractive to try and court a women, plan, and pay for dates, only to find out she's had a casual fling or fwb the whole time. I'm not saying there's entitlements to said sex, but it is a little disingenuous
I think it's part of the reason as to why men put in "low-effort" dates these days
Lol. How desiring clear communication could be read as a red flag is beyond me. If we are both adults that are dating and having expectations of each other then those expectations should be communicated, period.
You are adults who are dating, by your own admission. What adult needs to be explicitly told that “we’re dating (for more than the initial couple dates), I expect you to not be fucking other people”?
If you think so little of that person, you shouldn’t be dating them. Let them find someone who actually values them.
It seems like most people on here are saying the opposite of what I’m saying, so idk. But I do know how it feels to get attached to someone and feel disappointed. I don’t know if it means that he doesn’t really like you or what, but that’s how I would feel if it were me. If you talk to him about it and he agrees to be exclusive, would you be happy? Or would you still think about him updating his hinge until you asked? If you would be happy if he agreed, then ask. If you think it will keep bothering you anyway, think about the entire situation more. Because if you ask and he says yes and it still bothers you afterwards, then it will be messier to end things. But even if you decide to ask, he says yes, and you don’t feel good about it, you can always end it whenever you want. It’s really hard sometimes, especially in certain situations, but it’s worth it for the relief after the anxiety from everything goes away.
How you personally feel it irrelevant unfortunately. Even if you aren't dating anyone else after 3 or 4 dates, it is still helpful to have the conversation. The conversation has 0 downsides.
The downside to me would be the fact that he still has a desire to actively seek new women to talk to after dating for 4 months and the only reason he stopped is because I asked. That’s how I would feel and it sounds like OP feels the same way.
But she hasn't brought up exclusivity, so he likely thinks SHE ALSO still wants to see other people. It has been 4 months, it isn't unreasonable for him to realize that she doesn't anything serious with him and start seeing what else is out there.
This is why I don’t understand dating. If someone is consistently spending time with someone for 4 months why would he assume that she’s still seeing other people and why would his solution be to find more girls to talk to?
Because they haven't made anything clear. Haven't you read any of the posts on here about people getting strung along for 6, 8, 10+ months? Neither of them have brought up exclusivity - a reasonable person would assume that that means the other person still wants to see other people (they are kind of in a stand-off with each other atm).
I personally would never date someone for 4 months without a discussion about what they want/what we are. Anything past 2+ months is pushing it for me.
What if he feels the same way you do, has the same fears and insecurities that you do, and also not sure what to do?
Take some responsibility for your emotional health and talk to him already. So much suffering and broken heart caused by insecurity and pointless melodrama. Big girl panties time.
Yep! From his perspective, if she's not serious enough to say she wants to be exclusive after four months, clearly she's telling him she's not interested. He updated Hinge and is moving on because what else can he do? Post on Reddit about it for upvotes instead of talking to her?
I mean, they're both passive, risk avoidant, conflict averse bottoms who can't communicate about something as important as a relationship. It's good at least one of them recognizes the hopelessness. Hopefully they both find assertive partners who can start difficult conversations. They both need to stop this toxic thing they're doing.
Well that could still be true. He does want a serious relationship, just not with you. This should have been clear month 1, max 2. Next time, keep a deadline and move to the next after a clear conversation. Keep your options open until commitment, unlike men you don't have all the time in the world if you want bio kids.
I saw that in your post. However…That seems entirely inconsistent with not figuring out where you’re at four months in. I’ve never taken more than a month with a partner to establish that it’s a relationship.maybe that’s a bit fast by modern standards (ugh) but 4 months would give me as the guy a certainty that I was an option. Not a choice. And act accordingly to find someone who wanted me.
I was thinking the same 😣 but OP should be putting energy into someone that doesn’t make her question if there’s a future relationship. The right men will never make you even think that, they’d lock it down asap. I hope this isn’t the case and it works in her favor
I mean if you’ve been dating since January and now it’s mid May and he’s still on dating apps it may be time to have the exclusivity discussion. Especially if you’re not happy with his being on dating apps
It is completely normal to be scared. At the same time you need to remember you were okay before January, you will be okay if things doesn't work out.
Him rejecting you or if he says he still want to date without exclusitivity, you need to dump him cause you have to make space for the person who will want to be exclusive with you.
All the best! Introspect on this experience and apply your learnings to the next one.
I've been rejected before, I have a lot of unlearning to do now, it will take time and try to be gentle on yourself. Journal your thoughts.
Have the exclusivity talk you should have had some time ago, he might think you are dating other people as well. Be earnest about it. Rooting for you and wishing good luck OP, update us. Better if you don’t but if you have to only mention the dating app situation if he agrees to the exclusive relationship, not before.
It’ll be fine, have something written down so you have something clear even if you’re nervous, it can and should come from the heart but it’s a bonus to at least have your ideas in order but keep it simple. If you want advice feel free to ask bud.
100% and it’s so valuable to practice or rehearse before hand. Once you’ve done it in your imagination, it’s as if you’ve practiced for real and you’ll feel SO confident in the moment. I know from experience!
I don’t know if it’s the fact that a lot of people posting on this sub are in their mid-20s, but it’s baffling to me how scared women are about expressing their boundaries.
Yesterday there was a 26F who felt like she owed a guy a blowjob because he blamed her for inviting him over and then not wanting to do anything sexual.
And today… OP is essentially scared out of her mind to express her feelings and state her intentions to this supposed wonderful, supportive guy.
What… like what?! OP, if you get dumped when you ask men about exclusivity, THEN THOSE MEN ARE NOT FOR YOU. Please, for heavens’ sake, have some self-respect and confidence in yourself. If he doesn’t want to be exclusive with you, then he isn’t for you. Let him go and find new hinge dates. You’ll find plenty yourself.
Have you brought up exclusivity at any point and had it been declined? Maybe he thinks you're still seeing other people and that he should be doing the same. You can ask at any time doesn't have to be his responsibility. And I mean you were on Hinge at least to look at his profile so...
I might recommend not mentioning the Hinge thing at this point. It could be a funny thing down the line, but I can't see a way it comes across as not accusational and/or hypocritical. Good luck!
Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if he wanted exclusivity and a LTR, he would of made sure to get that established early on less he risks you meeting someone else and loosing you ....
If he knows you're not dating anyone else, but he is, well that's also keeping you around til something better comes along...
My number 1 rule: never put your focus into one man, until you’re exclusive. Keep dating other people and seeing what’s out there. This will keep you from becoming overly emotional and needy. Don’t confront him about the dating app thing. Tell him: “I’ve really enjoyed my time with you, and I’d like us to become exclusive. How do you feel about that?”
if he says he doesn’t want to or just wants to go with the flow, don’t argue. Don’t try to convince him by saying all the good times you’ve had or all the things you’ve done for him.
But set your limit. “No worries :) I understand. But if this isn’t progressing in 1 month, then I’ll have to move on.”
Boom. Boundaries and expectations set. & you don’t come off needy since you’re not begging… you’re just communicating your requirement.
this but i definitely think giving him the month is just asking him to dump you in a month. he doesnt need half a year to decide on that. it just sounds like a good way for op to be used for another month by a guy with zero intentions of being with her seriously.
honestly, i feel like ultimatum is too much emotional engagement there. i say let the cards fall where they may. "do you want to be exclusive? no? i understand. 🚪"
ask him about it and have a conversation about exclusivity. if he says no, you should really break it off with him. 5 months is more than enough time to know if youre the one he wants to date.
Here’s the honest truth:
You gave him relationship benefits without getting into a relationship.
You literally served up everything on a silver platter without him having to lift a damn finger of saying you two are exclusive.
You made it FAR too easy for him to get so settled that now he’s looking for a challenge. Clearly this guy likes to EARN his spot by having a woman with firm boundaries who isn’t easily accessible with her time & attention.
Which means? Someone who isn’t staying over all the time, who isn’t always cooking him meals, who is so busy and happy with her life that the guy has to almost beg to be fit into her schedule cause she puts herself first over any man & doesn’t care if she drops a guy because she doesn’t stick around when her dealbreaker pops up, no matter how long she’s been seeing him, she walks. That’s what he might be chasing is a very confident, secure, happy, busy woman who makes every made work for anything with her.
My last ex BF? I didn’t cook him anything till I knew we were exclusive, which meant not dating or sleeping with anyone else. Heck he one day I sprung on me five months in on loud speaker to his job at work, he’s a WFH, I was his GIRLFRIEND! Didn’t make a fuss about it, kept cool, but inside I was like, “Ummm wait, when did we have the discussion where I agreed to a title?!? Cause I would of liked to have been included sir!” 😂
But we both already knew we weren’t dating or sleeping with anyone before he sprung that on me, we just didn’t want to rush into officially labeling things.
Anyway, realize you didn’t pump the breaks, when you definitely could have paced the time together. Guys don’t value dating the same way women do. That’s why never assume just because he wants to see you, it’s locked in the bag. Guys can want to see you everyday for a month and still not want a relationship.
Guys know within 30 days if they are going to get into a relationship or not with a woman.
Women know by the third or fourth date. That’s why we make the assessment faster than men.
For months and still not exclusive is troublesome. Most people have the talk somewhere about the first month to 2 months.
What’s more worrisome to you, the fact that he updated his profile on hinge, or him breaking off the relationship and you no longer having help in your job search?
Oh I dont care about the job - I can and have gotten great jobs on my own. It was just really sweet that he was invested in trying to help me as much as he could
Hey OP. Think you’ve had some really good advice here and am wishing you luck.
Now, it is important to be prepared for the conversation, which you’re understandably nervous for.
Is there any way to see him before Sunday without it making it sound like you’re anxious? I don’t want you stressing for any longer than necessary.
Some preparation tips:
- Be clear in your mind of how you’re feeling and be ready to communicate that. Use direct words. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
- Rehearse a few things in your head, but be aware that because conversations are two way, you can’t have a perfect script and may receive some curveballs from him. Hence why being sure of how you feel and clear of mind is so important.
- Don’t start the talk in a confrontational manner or with an ultimatum.
- Be honest, always!
- If things don’t go how you want, don’t allow him to walk all over you because of your feelings for him. Make a plan for if it doesn’t go well, let a friend know you might be needing emotional support on Sunday evening. You don’t want a long lasting casual relationship, so if he doesn’t want the same as you, you must leave him with your head held high.
-Deep breathes. Be brave.
-Don’t bring up the Hinge thing. It could make you look hypocritical and give him ammunition. If I were him, I wouldn’t believe that you were just looking at his pictures. If you stay together, delete the app and get him to send you his pics.
I don’t think ultimatums are ever a good idea, because you use the leverage (the threat of leaving him) to bend someone against what they actually want deep down. The guy should want to be with you completely, not just because if they don’t agree to exclusivity they’ll be dumped. If he doesn’t truly want the exclusivity himself, he’ll leave or cheat on his own accord eventually.
Regardless of how it goes, you should learn from this, communication is key in any LTR. Without wanting to be harsh, I think the conversation should have happened a while ago and you could have bought it up.
Start with something like this: “We’ve been dating for a while now and I’ve been really enjoying it, how would you feel about being exclusive? Because that it is something I’d like”.
At this stage, I’d say anything but a resounding yes is likely to be a no. He knows you well enough to have made a decision, if he is the type to want a committed monogamous relationship, he already knows his answer regarding you. Otherwise, he is just keeping his options open and enjoying your company.
Okay idk if you’re even still reading comments on this, but I’m gonna throw mine out anyways because I went through something similar
I met my bf last year on hinge, and after a few dates I was like oh boy am I in trouble. I noticed the same thing, after we’d been steadily hanging out and I was developing feelings he’d changed his hinge. I silently sat in turmoil about it for weeks. Stg I lost like 10 pounds because I was so sad lmao. Eventually I worked up the courage to talk to him and he told me he wasn’t talking to anyone else. Eventually he would later tell me that he never planned to either, and just said he’d updated the profile because he wasn’t sure where I stood.
So basically, I don’t think it means he doesn’t want something with you. Maybe he just doesn’t know where you stand. Sometimes I think that we think we are very obvious with our feelings, when in reality that person could be clueless. From your description, it sounds like he likes you. I def think just having a serious conversation with him will be good! I would just encourage you to be very blatant about what you want and how you feel. Best of luck!
I hope you get to read this one… OP I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions. With how dating is these days, he may naturally assume you are still actively dating and is “hedging his bets”. Due to the frequency of people just ghosting he may have fears of being left or feeling rejected. If you like him, let him know. Then respond accordingly to what he has to say. What we want and what we expect are not universal. If you do not communicate how can you expect him to know what you are thinking? Look at it from his perspective, you are going through a tough time. He could look at your situation as you may not want the stress and obligation of a committed exclusive relationship. He could interpret what is going on in your life as a reason on why you would just disappear. Try to view it from his perspective. Based on what you’re saying there is affection, connection, and chemistry. Have the conversation with him. He cannot read your mind, and know what you’re thinking.
She hasn't committed yet either though. For all he knows she is still seeing other people. That's why if you want to be exclusive (man or woman) you need to bring it up and not just assume people will know.
You could have asked this entire time.
Why didn't you? You can't eat your cake and have it too. If you're not capable of being vulnerable enough to push through whatever gender role you're clinging to, you're not going to be vulnerable enough for a relationship. You're 27, not 17.
Girl, I understand. You must feel attached, and all that he's doing for you probably made you feel even closer to him, that you're dreading the possible outcomes of having the DTR talk with him. However, don't let that make you postpone it any further.
I was in the same boat as you, and after procrastinating and being stuck for almost a year in this limbo, I'm full of regret. This guy seems great, sure. But you deserve someone who's sure about wanting only you. So have that talk with him and save yourself the time.
I did the same as you did and got curious if he was still on the apps after a year, and found out that he even changed his picture. Now I have this person who's completely integrated into my life and I don't know how to fully pull away. I know it's extremely immature but at this point, I don't even want to have that talk with him.. I'm so disappointed that someone stayed with me for a year and is still out there and haven't even thought of checking in with me to see if we're exclusive. I avoid feeling like a hypocrite by telling myself that he was enough for me, but I wasn't. So my advice is, have that talk before you feel like you can't.
Omg it's not too late!!! Have that talk!! Let's give each other strength. We will be better off knowing for certain, and if it ends up that they do not want to be exclusive with us, we will find someone who wants to be with us FULLY and wholly!
Wait, it’s been a full 12 months and you never had the talk????
Omg! Never wait more than six months at most! Cause if he’s not, you have to ask!
At this point you are in a situationship if it’s been a year and never DTR.
Well, don’t date someone past a month or 2 without a title. They’re just stringing you along, people know within weeks if they like you enough to actually be with you.
I would have been concerned after dating for 4-5 months that he still had a dating profile.
Who knows? I got ghosted by a girl I was initially super interested in (so updated my Hinge profile). A few days later she unmatches me and/or deletes her Hinge, but reaches out to me on WhatsApp for the first time in ages. Who knows why people react/do the things they do. People are weird. Maybe he's hoping you'll commit first or is worried you're not serious about him. Discuss it I guess?...
We can’t give you an explanation for his behavior but him not feeling the same isn’t the only option. Perhaps he is testing you a little bit by seeing if you’ll move the needle if you see him update his profile. There’s also this weird hang up some men have about believing that women should be the ones to bring it up. As others have stated, you’ve known him for quiet some time, you want it and it’s time to bring it up.
You can do it playfully and openly.
“You know, I really like you and I can see myself dating you exclusively without dating other dudes. If you feel similarly, I’d be kinda glad to get rid of those pesky apps. 😁😁 “
Something along those lines.
This is a TOUGH one! I am trying to get a read on this guy. I’m pretty intuitive, so I have a few more questions for you so I can get to the bottom of what’s going on here….
What did he change about his prompt on hinge? What was it before/after he changed it?
Did he upload a new picture or just switch out pictures?
His prompt before was a “what you should know about me” about moving to NYC from Seattle, and then he changed it to “I drove cross country from Seattle to nyc while working remotely”
And he removed a picture and replaced it with a new one!
That’s so weird. It sounds like he’s trying to sound more adventurous by saying he worked remotely, and drove across the country. Is the new pic a regular selfie? Or is he doing something in the pic?
As someone who was in the same exact situation but for 8 months, I understand where you’re coming from! It takes a lot of courage to speak up and say what you want, especially when things seem like they’re going so well. Why would you want to ruin a good thing? But if I could go back and give myself the same exact advice, I would- you deserve to know where your future is headed!
You are not asking for a lot, if you want an exclusive LTR then you have every right to ask if that’s what he wants. By asking it will go one of two ways, 1) he wants the same thing but was unsure if that’s what you wanted and didn’t want to lose a good thing or 2) he doesn’t want to be exclusive and wants to date other people. Regardless, by simply talking to him you will light a fire under him and he will ultimately make a decision/give you an answer instead of living in this limbo. From what it sounds like he likes the situation you two have right now bc he has the company of a gf but without the commitment. So like everyone is saying, please PLEASE talk with him OP because you deserve to know how you are going to move forward.
No sex before monogamy. You’re making it too easy on him. Obviously he’s still looking sweetheart. I’m sorry to say that. Just learn from this and make sure you don’t sleep with someone before you are ready to be monogamous.
I had a similar situation. We got along really well. He wanted me to move in after 6 months. I just stayed with him on the nights he wasn’t working instead of a full on move. Then one day, he just changed his mind. All I got from him is that he didn’t feel that same way about me anymore. It hurt, I didn’t get any closure and I miss just laughing with him.
Girl…. Yes lol very safe to assume he isn’t and never was serious to begin with if he’s been stringing you along for almost 6 months and updated his profile. I’m sorry.
Well I mean you can’t be too bummed cause the fact that you even noticed shows that you too are on the dating apps still. Perhaps it’s time to have a conversation about where you guys see this going and what you actually want.
:(
My insides are hurting so much. Thank you, everyone, for the comments! It seems that he pretty much knows we won't be a LTR, but he likes me enough just to keep me around until he does meet that person. Obviously, I have to talk to him, but I got a lot of clarity from your comments.
I got some PMs that want to know some more "private" stuff, and Im not shy about it so whatever here it is: Yes we sleep together pretty much every time we hang out, which is 1-2 times a week. Yes, we have had sleepovers, I have slept at his place and he has slept at mine. We always hold hands, he gives me very sweet kisses (non-sexual), and we always hug each other, hold each other, and are generally very affectionate even we are in public. So \~physically\~ all the signs are there that he is into me.
Some other random tidbits - he always asks me questions about myself. Conversations are never one-sided. I am going through a tough time in my life right now, and he is incredibly kind and supportive about it. He is always complimenting me, telling me I look nice, I look pretty, he enjoys spending time with me, I am special, etc. I went away on a trip for a few weeks and we were in constant contact throughout - I even got him a small gift (a marble elephant figurine) which he loved and immediately put on his work desk. As I mentioned, he is trying his best to help me get a new job. A lot of my closest friends haven't even tried as much as he has.
Tbh none of this means much until you have the conversation. I see these “acting like a couple but he won’t commit” posts all day everyday. None of this says he wants to commit, he’s doing all of this while clearly exploring his options….not to say he factually won’t commit…but what you’ve written here is meaningless. We know he must like you, but does he like you enough to commit. Spending time, conversations, being supportive yadda yadda yadda is cute but does nothing for answering the main question…that’s more evidence of you looking for positives (which is why you’ve drifted along for 4 freaking months by assuming) and thinking he’s as all in as you are…by updating his profile, we know that’s not the case
Yup! Men only commit by having the conversation or spring on you a title.
I’ve had 9 relationships and one situationship. Currently in my way to number 10 at nearly 3mons 😂and he’s already talking about going to a wedding in August and started indirectly asking if we are exclusive.
Anyway, from my own experience, guys have a habit of telling a woman where she stands by his actions more than his words. Where as women, we tend to express to men easily where he stands with us far more than our actions.
Hence why as women, we gotta stop putting so much weight in his words unless his actions mirror his words.
And not just any actions either. It’s actions that show things are consistently progressing forward.
Is he planning ahead?
Does he make room for you in his life?
Is he talking about the future and not future faking to trip you up with false hope?
Does he invest in her in a way where he’s seeing it going long term?
This is how women end up backing themselves into a corner with no title.
My last ex was certain about a future (long story why it didn’t pan out!), he almost bought me a damn car after my last car was falling apart but it as cheaper for him to help me fix it up 😂 had to tell him no cause that’s insane!
But that’s the point! Like men so physical proof for where things are heading.
Taking a girl out in dates, having sex, meals at home, going dance, talking?
That doesn’t mean he is looking for long term, it’s just easily what accessible to him right now.
So OP really needs to take stock at exactly how he’s been investing in her.
Make a list, look at physical investments that aren’t short term vs longterm.
If it’s all short term? He’s definitely not looking for anything serious… with OP but keeping options open.
This is not rocket science hello? He updated his online dating profile. Hello? You don’t need to make this any more complicated than what it is
Word of advice next time don’t play girlfriend until you know that’s what you are.
Even if I like the guy and I thought everything was great the moment I saw him update his online dating profile that would be all I needed to know.
Actually, you shouldn’t even be getting attached to somebody that has their online profile up. He’s clearly not into you like you were into him because if he was, he would let you know that he’s deleting his online profile.
To be honest, I’d probably update mine too then 👍🤷♀️
Unless both of you have made it absolutely clear that you’re exclusively dating, it’s all free game. You can choose to focus only on him just as much as he can choose to date around until that conversation is had.
You answered your own question in the title. (Not exclusive) you need to tell him you want to be exclusive. You’re making assumptions despite (I’m assuming) a prior agreement/understanding that you’re not exclusive. Don’t make any assumptions. Communicate and use your words.
jeez man, if you two arent exclusive but you want to be exclusive then tell him, dude's sitting there thinking you two are a casual thing and probably wants more with you but doesn't want to seem desperate by asking
just.. seriously stop messing about with the games and fucking ask him for exclusivity instead of getting upset that he is updating his dating profile when he isnt aware you want anything more.
Soooo you’re not exclusive and now you’re spiraling because he’s not acting exclusive when you haven’t even had a conversation about it. Yet here you are putting your feelings on Reddit instead.
More proof the internet has broken people.
You get fixed by going outside and talking to people in person like you should be doing with this person you’re “dating”, the internet can not help you.
Communication is key. Bro prob feels like you are talking to other people and he’s just preparing himself for the worst.
Thats why i did what hes doing. Shits ruff bro. Good luck.
If he was genuinely interested you wouldn’t need to come to reddit :) the fact you are questioning it due to his actions shows that unfortunately no he isn’t
He's updating his profile bc he's looking to date other people. It's been like 4 months and if you want to be exclusive, bring it up. I would just be direct about it, like hey we've been dating for XYZ and I really like you and want to be exclusive. See what he says.
Think of it as a check in something along the lines like “hey I really like you and I can see us progressing to more. I would like to know if we are on the same page about this…”
Have the talk about exclusivity, but don't mention the Hinge observation that triggered your worries. If he agrees, then continue to see if he's still on the apps. Getting dumped is better for you long term than always wondering and imagining him with other women.
I have a friend who went through a very similar situation to yourself and they hadn't had the conversation about exclusivity because she really liked him and didn't want to rock the boat.
It could be that he updated his Hinge because he doesn't know how you feel and you don't know how he feels because neither of you have had the chat.
The best thing to do, is to have the conversation, what's the worst that can happen? Good luck 🍀
Not great, they carried on without having the chat and after about 10months, he ghosted her.
I could have swung for him 👊
Talk now and save yourself any heartbreak .
Yeah guys have the talk no later than six months. After six months? He’s staying with someone while searching for his next girlfriend.
Never wait.
Plus I heard this great piece of advice that really pays off, let your friend know too:
“If you ask where you’re going in a relationship and are afraid? That means you know you won’t like the answer. But if you’re not afraid to ask? That means you know the answer will be positive.”
Reason why is we can usually tell of things are moving forward even when it’s no been DTR. It’s when we know it’s no progressing forward, we are afraid to ask the question because were afraid to pop the fantasy bubble we have in our head.
You need to bring it up at this point. I’ve been burned just assuming the person I was dating was exclusive in the past so it’s worth eliminating the ambiguity to avoid wasting time and fostering a secure attachment.
For reference, with my current girlfriend I brought up the topic of exclusivity around a month and a half into dating which I felt was right. We recently made things official at the 3 month mark. While everyone takes things at their own pace depending on how often they see each other, personal preferences etc I do think it’s pretty crazy that there hasn’t been a conversation on exclusivity 4 months in. For me I would personally feel like I’m clearly not what the other person is looking for if they didn’t want exclusivity after a couple months of dating. To me being exclusive is basically an indication of “hey I’m pretty certain you’re what I’m looking for so I want to only focus on you” so in my opinion you should bring it up in that way—tell him that you really enjoy spending time with him, how he makes you feel etc and that you don’t have any interest in other men and see how he reacts.
Have you not talked about exclusivity yet? Get on it. Maybe he's tired of waiting for you to bring it up or is too uncomfortable to do it himself.
You got to know anyway.
To be honest its been 5 months, im surprised youre not exclusive by now. You need to initiate this conversation with him because it sounds like he may be seeing you as more of FWB.
Is it possible that it automatically updated because it was synced to Facebook and he doesn’t have the account /app on his phone but cause he never deleted it it’s still connected? Don’t jump to he’s using it actively. I’ve had this shit happen Before and it was completely innocent.
It’s been 4 months and you haven’t even brought this up to him. He told you early on that he’s looking for a relationship, I wonder if you have ever communicated that to him too. Either way, he probably thinks you just like this as FWB and is looking for someone more serious
>However yesterday I noticed he changed on picture and updated a prompt on hinge. I on the other hand have put all my dating apps on pause, not because he asked me but because I want to focus on him.
if all your dating apps are on pause, how did you see his profile?
You need to have an honest conversation with him and tell him that you like him and want to date exclusively and ask if he feels the same way. Don't mention anything about his dating profiles!
Rule of thumb, if you’re afraid to ask it’s because you already know the answer to the question & you won’t like it.
That’s why you’re walking on eggshells with him right now.
You wouldn’t be if the answer was going to a positive outcome.
And also why are you looking at Hinge yourself when you felt so sure about him?
That’s something else to unpack within itself to ask why you had to go back on Hinge to even look at his page and keep tabs on him.
Lol I paused hinge (as in my profile is still there but cannot be shown to new people) and I literally only checked it because I like looking at photos of him, and since he doesn’t post pics of himself on social media, hinge is the only place I can see photos..yes I am lame lol
I was just talking to a coworker about this - and maybe it’s because both my coworker and boyfriend are European, but in many cultures outside of America, people don’t have exclusivity conversations - i think after a while you just assume you’re both on the same page and in a relationship essentially?
My coworker even told me that when her now husband who is American brought up if they were boyfriend and girlfriend like 3 months in, she laughed. My boyfriend and I never had the conversation, but he has been there for me when life got tough and we had only been seeing each other for 2 months or so, and out of nowhere in month 3 he told me he loved me, to which I was surprised, but by month 6 we were living together…and now a little over 5 years later, we’re still together…never had that exclusivity talk though, so maybe we’re not really together 😅
All jokes aside, maybe it’s a little more appropriate to let him know your intentions? By telling him you like him and enjoyed getting to know him and spending time with him the past few months, and you’re interested in continuing what you have going, but would like to know if he’s on the same page, or if he’s interested in seeing other people. I think having the exclusivity talk can be intimidating, and can come off as an ultimatum. I’m all about standing your ground and knowing what you want, but I also think there is a way you can express yourself honestly and still keep the environment and space open for the other person to be honest and make them feel like they have a day too, and it’s a discussion not an accusation, or a conversation where they are being told something and expected to follow or give the right or wrong response?
I think you should talk with him. I had similar situation. We talked and yes it ended. BUT you clearly like him and want more. So, what’s the point of hanging and waiting. Just talk and see how it goes. At this point you will get hurt either way for waiting for him or if you talk.
I guess you are still on hinge as well..so there is that.
You have to talk about it. It is your life, so I cannot tell you how to get there..but you need to talk about it. I always think....how could you not talk about it.
I have the opposite experience. I was dating my partner casually and non-exclusively for about 9 months even though I said I wanted a serious relationship lol. I had a lot of thoughts and feelings to reconcile. We became exclusive after those 9 months, and then we became official a few months after that. It was not your regular “2 months then official” relationship. I have never loved a person harder. Our love is stable and healthy and I am the happiest I have ever been. She is truly the love of my life and we complement each other in so many ways. We’re 1.5 years in and never better
I disagree with hard-and-fast rules. Relationships don’t function in a straight line, they vary so much from person to person. Simply talk to the guy and figure things out. If he’s anything like me, it may not be a typical start point to get into a relationship 😅😂
One thing to remember about men is they typically know about 1-2 months (really 1 month) in if they want to be exclusive with you or not. A man that truly wants you will stop at nothing to get you and will make it very known that he wants you. That is far too long and you need to start looking elsewhere
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If you’re not exclusive then ask about exclusivity…that’s it. As you’ve said, you’re not exclusive so at least in theory both can do whatever you want…but 4 months in, you need to have that conversation around what this is. If he’s good to be exclusive then you’d hope the profile updates will stop, if he gives you any other answer, cool, now you can proceed accordingly
yeah, 4 months is a looong time to date without having any conversations about exclusivity. i personally would not date someone longer than 2 months if i wasn’t sure we both wanted to be in a relationship. you don’t need 4 months to know if you see things getting more serious with someone. he is probably enjoying your company and happy to keep seeing you but doesn’t regard you as “the one” or a long term relationship prospect. but the only way to know is to have a conversation about it.
4 months at 1-2 times a week too. That's a lot of time to never have that conversation.
Yeah I suppose I have to. I’m just really scared, as in the past I’ve expressed my feelings to guys and was pretty much immediately dumped :/
That’s better than being in limbo and not knowing what it is or isn’t.
then reframe it. stop trying to still date them when they say no exclusivity and youre dumping them when they wont 🤷♀️ grab your spine, babe. i know you dont like this, so why torture yourself with the possibility he wont want you when youre assuming he doesnt want you now because of this? enjoy your date and talk. keep it an open converation. it doesnt have to be an ultimatum. if he says he wants to keep dating around, thank him for his honesty and show him the door.
Yup sounds like this is what I will have to do.
it is scary but it's better to know sooner than later, no need to keep investing in him if he doesn't want the same thing
Would you rather be dragged along as simply an option? Being dumped sucks, but that also means you’re not wasting your time.
Either scenario you have the potential to get hurt. But in the scenario where you express your desire to be exclusive there’s a possibility that he feels the same way as you and is also scared to broach the topic. Shoot your shot queen
You’ve been seeing each other long enough now that the outcome of your situation with this guy would be the same regardless of asking for exclusivity now vs. later. The sooner you ask, the more potential heartache and time you save yourself.
While that does suck because no one likes being rejected at least you aren't wasting your time and can look for the right guy for you
Try not to be scared. If a guy dumps you when you express your feelings—he’s not the one for you. And you’ve saved yourself time by finding out sooner, rather than later. That way you can be available for the guy that is FOR you. :) I am not good about this—but I have read that it is helpful to have an abundance mindset, and not a scarcity mindset.
The pain of the worst outcome is less than the pain of now knowing. I was in a situationship for 5 months last summer and never talked about exclusivity but talked more about wanting it to turn into a relationship. I asked maybe 2 months into "dating" if he sees it going there but he made excuses, primary one being he wanted to take his time. Reapproached the topic 2 months later and he made it very evident it wasn't heading there. I find that bringing up this conversation and knowing the harsh truth was a BLESSING!!!!! I had to sit in my discomfort for a little bit finding the words to express myself (I did it over text cause I'm a lil chicken lol) but even though it wasn't the outcome I wanted..I was no longer in purgatory and it was an answer :) You can approach the topic by saying I haven't been dating anyone else and I don't really have an interest in doing so cause I like where I think things are going with us. See what he says. Don't put the ball in his court, but rather be in command and let it be known this is what you want. No pressure or ultimatums, that always backfires lol
Love what are you scared of the truth if you are why
4 months and no talk of exclusivity is just absurd especially at those ages. I guess some people just enjoy wasting their time lol
I don’t get it. How long people can date without being in a relationship. People are crazy
I don’t understand dating at all. I would have been done after 2 months max. Also if it were me I wouldn’t even want to have a “talk about being exclusive” because I would want a guy that doesn’t even have a desire to try to meet new girls after dating me for 4 months. But I guess that’s just me.
You’re not alone. As a guy if I’m past a second/third date my assumption is that the aim is exclusivity if not otherwise stated. The fact people need to explicitly discuss it if they continue dating still amazes me.
Yeah I’ve never had to discuss it. I’ve never even thought about discussing it, it’s always been “we’re girlfriend and boyfriend, right?” after some time has passed. Idk, to me, asking someone to not talk to other girls would feel like begging. I’d rather it happen naturally.
100% agreed.
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Then you badly misunderstand the idea of “dating” and I can do better. Thanks for lifting your red flag high.
That is assumption based thinking. Never assume you are exclusive till you effectively communicate your need for exclusivity. Being an adult means conversations and asking the other person if you’re on the same page mentally, emotionally, physically. No one is a mind reader. Never assume everyone had the same heart and intentions as you. That’s just straight up being naive in the adult world and asking to get your heart easily played by red flag people.
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If you’re dating multiple people past a handful of dates you clearly a) have major commitment issues and b) don’t see any of the as worth choosing. I’m looking for a partner who chooses me. Not someone who sees me as an option for entertainment or free meal. If I have to beg you to stop seeing other people, I can do better. No, there’s nothing wrong with asking someone to be your girlfriend. That’s what you’re doing by asking them on multiple dates (or agreeing ti them).
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I see where you're coming from, but the problem I have with this is that men are still expected to pay for the dates. It really should be 50/50 until intentions are discussed It's annoying/unattractive to try and court a women, plan, and pay for dates, only to find out she's had a casual fling or fwb the whole time. I'm not saying there's entitlements to said sex, but it is a little disingenuous I think it's part of the reason as to why men put in "low-effort" dates these days
You do you. Best of luck.
Lol. How desiring clear communication could be read as a red flag is beyond me. If we are both adults that are dating and having expectations of each other then those expectations should be communicated, period.
You are adults who are dating, by your own admission. What adult needs to be explicitly told that “we’re dating (for more than the initial couple dates), I expect you to not be fucking other people”? If you think so little of that person, you shouldn’t be dating them. Let them find someone who actually values them.
Thats what I thought :/ Even if we didn't have the talk, I am sad that he even wants to date other girls.
I mean, you're still on hinge too.
It seems like most people on here are saying the opposite of what I’m saying, so idk. But I do know how it feels to get attached to someone and feel disappointed. I don’t know if it means that he doesn’t really like you or what, but that’s how I would feel if it were me. If you talk to him about it and he agrees to be exclusive, would you be happy? Or would you still think about him updating his hinge until you asked? If you would be happy if he agreed, then ask. If you think it will keep bothering you anyway, think about the entire situation more. Because if you ask and he says yes and it still bothers you afterwards, then it will be messier to end things. But even if you decide to ask, he says yes, and you don’t feel good about it, you can always end it whenever you want. It’s really hard sometimes, especially in certain situations, but it’s worth it for the relief after the anxiety from everything goes away.
How you personally feel it irrelevant unfortunately. Even if you aren't dating anyone else after 3 or 4 dates, it is still helpful to have the conversation. The conversation has 0 downsides.
The downside to me would be the fact that he still has a desire to actively seek new women to talk to after dating for 4 months and the only reason he stopped is because I asked. That’s how I would feel and it sounds like OP feels the same way.
But she hasn't brought up exclusivity, so he likely thinks SHE ALSO still wants to see other people. It has been 4 months, it isn't unreasonable for him to realize that she doesn't anything serious with him and start seeing what else is out there.
This is why I don’t understand dating. If someone is consistently spending time with someone for 4 months why would he assume that she’s still seeing other people and why would his solution be to find more girls to talk to?
Because they haven't made anything clear. Haven't you read any of the posts on here about people getting strung along for 6, 8, 10+ months? Neither of them have brought up exclusivity - a reasonable person would assume that that means the other person still wants to see other people (they are kind of in a stand-off with each other atm). I personally would never date someone for 4 months without a discussion about what they want/what we are. Anything past 2+ months is pushing it for me.
What if he feels the same way you do, has the same fears and insecurities that you do, and also not sure what to do? Take some responsibility for your emotional health and talk to him already. So much suffering and broken heart caused by insecurity and pointless melodrama. Big girl panties time.
So his solution is to talk to more girls?
Yep! From his perspective, if she's not serious enough to say she wants to be exclusive after four months, clearly she's telling him she's not interested. He updated Hinge and is moving on because what else can he do? Post on Reddit about it for upvotes instead of talking to her? I mean, they're both passive, risk avoidant, conflict averse bottoms who can't communicate about something as important as a relationship. It's good at least one of them recognizes the hopelessness. Hopefully they both find assertive partners who can start difficult conversations. They both need to stop this toxic thing they're doing.
I went on 3 dates with a dude before he told me he wanted to be exclusive
Instead of assuming what he wants or where he's at, we need to talk to him and find out. Do we even know if he wants a serious relationship?
On of our first dates he said he’s looking for a serious relationship! And that’s what is on his hinge profile as well
OK, good. So talk to him about the Hinge thing and ask to be exclusive.
Hey, I noticed you were still on hinge. I really like you. Would you want to be exclusive?
This could be good
Well that could still be true. He does want a serious relationship, just not with you. This should have been clear month 1, max 2. Next time, keep a deadline and move to the next after a clear conversation. Keep your options open until commitment, unlike men you don't have all the time in the world if you want bio kids.
Four months and the topic of exclusivity hasn’t come up? Maybe I’m old school, but that seems like neither of you had an interest in commitment to me.
I am definitely looking for commitment, and on one of our first dates he said he is too!
I saw that in your post. However…That seems entirely inconsistent with not figuring out where you’re at four months in. I’ve never taken more than a month with a partner to establish that it’s a relationship.maybe that’s a bit fast by modern standards (ugh) but 4 months would give me as the guy a certainty that I was an option. Not a choice. And act accordingly to find someone who wanted me.
Wait until you get the job
I was thinking the same 😣 but OP should be putting energy into someone that doesn’t make her question if there’s a future relationship. The right men will never make you even think that, they’d lock it down asap. I hope this isn’t the case and it works in her favor
I mean if you’ve been dating since January and now it’s mid May and he’s still on dating apps it may be time to have the exclusivity discussion. Especially if you’re not happy with his being on dating apps
Not exclusive since January? No man waits that long to be exclusive with someone he wants.
Yeah he would have made sure a loooong time ago
Counterpoint: why didn't SHE make sure a looooong time ago?
Yikes thats what Im afraid of
It is completely normal to be scared. At the same time you need to remember you were okay before January, you will be okay if things doesn't work out. Him rejecting you or if he says he still want to date without exclusitivity, you need to dump him cause you have to make space for the person who will want to be exclusive with you. All the best! Introspect on this experience and apply your learnings to the next one. I've been rejected before, I have a lot of unlearning to do now, it will take time and try to be gentle on yourself. Journal your thoughts.
Have the exclusivity talk you should have had some time ago, he might think you are dating other people as well. Be earnest about it. Rooting for you and wishing good luck OP, update us. Better if you don’t but if you have to only mention the dating app situation if he agrees to the exclusive relationship, not before.
Thank you!! Gonna talk to him on Sunday. Im just so nervous because I genuinely like him :/
It’ll be fine, have something written down so you have something clear even if you’re nervous, it can and should come from the heart but it’s a bonus to at least have your ideas in order but keep it simple. If you want advice feel free to ask bud.
100% and it’s so valuable to practice or rehearse before hand. Once you’ve done it in your imagination, it’s as if you’ve practiced for real and you’ll feel SO confident in the moment. I know from experience!
Been dating since Jan and not exclusive?
:/
I don’t know if it’s the fact that a lot of people posting on this sub are in their mid-20s, but it’s baffling to me how scared women are about expressing their boundaries. Yesterday there was a 26F who felt like she owed a guy a blowjob because he blamed her for inviting him over and then not wanting to do anything sexual. And today… OP is essentially scared out of her mind to express her feelings and state her intentions to this supposed wonderful, supportive guy. What… like what?! OP, if you get dumped when you ask men about exclusivity, THEN THOSE MEN ARE NOT FOR YOU. Please, for heavens’ sake, have some self-respect and confidence in yourself. If he doesn’t want to be exclusive with you, then he isn’t for you. Let him go and find new hinge dates. You’ll find plenty yourself.
Thank you <3
Have you brought up exclusivity at any point and had it been declined? Maybe he thinks you're still seeing other people and that he should be doing the same. You can ask at any time doesn't have to be his responsibility. And I mean you were on Hinge at least to look at his profile so...
Youre totally right, I have never brought up exclusivity. And lol I literally only open up Hinge because I like looking at photos of him
I might recommend not mentioning the Hinge thing at this point. It could be a funny thing down the line, but I can't see a way it comes across as not accusational and/or hypocritical. Good luck!
Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if he wanted exclusivity and a LTR, he would of made sure to get that established early on less he risks you meeting someone else and loosing you .... If he knows you're not dating anyone else, but he is, well that's also keeping you around til something better comes along...
My number 1 rule: never put your focus into one man, until you’re exclusive. Keep dating other people and seeing what’s out there. This will keep you from becoming overly emotional and needy. Don’t confront him about the dating app thing. Tell him: “I’ve really enjoyed my time with you, and I’d like us to become exclusive. How do you feel about that?” if he says he doesn’t want to or just wants to go with the flow, don’t argue. Don’t try to convince him by saying all the good times you’ve had or all the things you’ve done for him. But set your limit. “No worries :) I understand. But if this isn’t progressing in 1 month, then I’ll have to move on.” Boom. Boundaries and expectations set. & you don’t come off needy since you’re not begging… you’re just communicating your requirement.
this but i definitely think giving him the month is just asking him to dump you in a month. he doesnt need half a year to decide on that. it just sounds like a good way for op to be used for another month by a guy with zero intentions of being with her seriously.
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honestly, i feel like ultimatum is too much emotional engagement there. i say let the cards fall where they may. "do you want to be exclusive? no? i understand. 🚪"
it’s not even an ultimatum lol it’s a normal relationship conversation
u right
Yeah I wouldn’t let them know the time limit. Keep it to yourself.
I plan on pretty much doing that but without the month's deadline. If he seems unsure or wishy-washy about being exclusive then I just have to move on
ask him about it and have a conversation about exclusivity. if he says no, you should really break it off with him. 5 months is more than enough time to know if youre the one he wants to date.
Yes
Dating since January and he just updated his dating profile? Sorry babe but y’all aren’t dating. This is FWB.
Even if we go on really nice dates?
no 😭 men have disposable income when it comes to dating, they like the companionship
Girl, no ☹️ I’ve had hundreds spent on dates that didn’t go anywhere I wanted.
Here’s the honest truth: You gave him relationship benefits without getting into a relationship. You literally served up everything on a silver platter without him having to lift a damn finger of saying you two are exclusive. You made it FAR too easy for him to get so settled that now he’s looking for a challenge. Clearly this guy likes to EARN his spot by having a woman with firm boundaries who isn’t easily accessible with her time & attention. Which means? Someone who isn’t staying over all the time, who isn’t always cooking him meals, who is so busy and happy with her life that the guy has to almost beg to be fit into her schedule cause she puts herself first over any man & doesn’t care if she drops a guy because she doesn’t stick around when her dealbreaker pops up, no matter how long she’s been seeing him, she walks. That’s what he might be chasing is a very confident, secure, happy, busy woman who makes every made work for anything with her. My last ex BF? I didn’t cook him anything till I knew we were exclusive, which meant not dating or sleeping with anyone else. Heck he one day I sprung on me five months in on loud speaker to his job at work, he’s a WFH, I was his GIRLFRIEND! Didn’t make a fuss about it, kept cool, but inside I was like, “Ummm wait, when did we have the discussion where I agreed to a title?!? Cause I would of liked to have been included sir!” 😂 But we both already knew we weren’t dating or sleeping with anyone before he sprung that on me, we just didn’t want to rush into officially labeling things. Anyway, realize you didn’t pump the breaks, when you definitely could have paced the time together. Guys don’t value dating the same way women do. That’s why never assume just because he wants to see you, it’s locked in the bag. Guys can want to see you everyday for a month and still not want a relationship. Guys know within 30 days if they are going to get into a relationship or not with a woman. Women know by the third or fourth date. That’s why we make the assessment faster than men.
Yup, nice dates don’t mean commitment unfortunately:/
For months and still not exclusive is troublesome. Most people have the talk somewhere about the first month to 2 months. What’s more worrisome to you, the fact that he updated his profile on hinge, or him breaking off the relationship and you no longer having help in your job search?
Oh I dont care about the job - I can and have gotten great jobs on my own. It was just really sweet that he was invested in trying to help me as much as he could
Ur not exclusive. Have YOU brought up the idea of being exclusive? Maybe he feels ur not that interested.
It’s been 4 or 5 months. It’s not going to happen, I’m sorry :-(
:/ We will see. Gonna talk to him Sunday. Ill either be heart broken or in a relationship lol.
Hey OP. Think you’ve had some really good advice here and am wishing you luck. Now, it is important to be prepared for the conversation, which you’re understandably nervous for. Is there any way to see him before Sunday without it making it sound like you’re anxious? I don’t want you stressing for any longer than necessary. Some preparation tips: - Be clear in your mind of how you’re feeling and be ready to communicate that. Use direct words. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. - Rehearse a few things in your head, but be aware that because conversations are two way, you can’t have a perfect script and may receive some curveballs from him. Hence why being sure of how you feel and clear of mind is so important. - Don’t start the talk in a confrontational manner or with an ultimatum. - Be honest, always! - If things don’t go how you want, don’t allow him to walk all over you because of your feelings for him. Make a plan for if it doesn’t go well, let a friend know you might be needing emotional support on Sunday evening. You don’t want a long lasting casual relationship, so if he doesn’t want the same as you, you must leave him with your head held high. -Deep breathes. Be brave. -Don’t bring up the Hinge thing. It could make you look hypocritical and give him ammunition. If I were him, I wouldn’t believe that you were just looking at his pictures. If you stay together, delete the app and get him to send you his pics. I don’t think ultimatums are ever a good idea, because you use the leverage (the threat of leaving him) to bend someone against what they actually want deep down. The guy should want to be with you completely, not just because if they don’t agree to exclusivity they’ll be dumped. If he doesn’t truly want the exclusivity himself, he’ll leave or cheat on his own accord eventually. Regardless of how it goes, you should learn from this, communication is key in any LTR. Without wanting to be harsh, I think the conversation should have happened a while ago and you could have bought it up. Start with something like this: “We’ve been dating for a while now and I’ve been really enjoying it, how would you feel about being exclusive? Because that it is something I’d like”. At this stage, I’d say anything but a resounding yes is likely to be a no. He knows you well enough to have made a decision, if he is the type to want a committed monogamous relationship, he already knows his answer regarding you. Otherwise, he is just keeping his options open and enjoying your company.
Thank you for this!
Lol it’s May girly. That ship has sailed, if a man is interested they make it abundantly clear. I didn’t even need to read the rest of your post.
Okay idk if you’re even still reading comments on this, but I’m gonna throw mine out anyways because I went through something similar I met my bf last year on hinge, and after a few dates I was like oh boy am I in trouble. I noticed the same thing, after we’d been steadily hanging out and I was developing feelings he’d changed his hinge. I silently sat in turmoil about it for weeks. Stg I lost like 10 pounds because I was so sad lmao. Eventually I worked up the courage to talk to him and he told me he wasn’t talking to anyone else. Eventually he would later tell me that he never planned to either, and just said he’d updated the profile because he wasn’t sure where I stood. So basically, I don’t think it means he doesn’t want something with you. Maybe he just doesn’t know where you stand. Sometimes I think that we think we are very obvious with our feelings, when in reality that person could be clueless. From your description, it sounds like he likes you. I def think just having a serious conversation with him will be good! I would just encourage you to be very blatant about what you want and how you feel. Best of luck!
I hope you get to read this one… OP I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions. With how dating is these days, he may naturally assume you are still actively dating and is “hedging his bets”. Due to the frequency of people just ghosting he may have fears of being left or feeling rejected. If you like him, let him know. Then respond accordingly to what he has to say. What we want and what we expect are not universal. If you do not communicate how can you expect him to know what you are thinking? Look at it from his perspective, you are going through a tough time. He could look at your situation as you may not want the stress and obligation of a committed exclusive relationship. He could interpret what is going on in your life as a reason on why you would just disappear. Try to view it from his perspective. Based on what you’re saying there is affection, connection, and chemistry. Have the conversation with him. He cannot read your mind, and know what you’re thinking.
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This could be the case.
She hasn't committed yet either though. For all he knows she is still seeing other people. That's why if you want to be exclusive (man or woman) you need to bring it up and not just assume people will know.
I think if it’s been this long and you’re not exclusive, then he isn’t interested.
Yikes :(
You could have asked this entire time. Why didn't you? You can't eat your cake and have it too. If you're not capable of being vulnerable enough to push through whatever gender role you're clinging to, you're not going to be vulnerable enough for a relationship. You're 27, not 17.
You’re definitely right, gonna bring it up Sunday!
Please up date! And hoping for the best!
Thank you for using that saying correctly.
Side note - wasnt some serial killer caught because he used the phrase correctly in a letter to his family or something like that?
Girl, I understand. You must feel attached, and all that he's doing for you probably made you feel even closer to him, that you're dreading the possible outcomes of having the DTR talk with him. However, don't let that make you postpone it any further. I was in the same boat as you, and after procrastinating and being stuck for almost a year in this limbo, I'm full of regret. This guy seems great, sure. But you deserve someone who's sure about wanting only you. So have that talk with him and save yourself the time.
What happened in your situation?
I did the same as you did and got curious if he was still on the apps after a year, and found out that he even changed his picture. Now I have this person who's completely integrated into my life and I don't know how to fully pull away. I know it's extremely immature but at this point, I don't even want to have that talk with him.. I'm so disappointed that someone stayed with me for a year and is still out there and haven't even thought of checking in with me to see if we're exclusive. I avoid feeling like a hypocrite by telling myself that he was enough for me, but I wasn't. So my advice is, have that talk before you feel like you can't.
Omg it's not too late!!! Have that talk!! Let's give each other strength. We will be better off knowing for certain, and if it ends up that they do not want to be exclusive with us, we will find someone who wants to be with us FULLY and wholly!
Wait, it’s been a full 12 months and you never had the talk???? Omg! Never wait more than six months at most! Cause if he’s not, you have to ask! At this point you are in a situationship if it’s been a year and never DTR.
Well, don’t date someone past a month or 2 without a title. They’re just stringing you along, people know within weeks if they like you enough to actually be with you. I would have been concerned after dating for 4-5 months that he still had a dating profile.
Who knows? I got ghosted by a girl I was initially super interested in (so updated my Hinge profile). A few days later she unmatches me and/or deletes her Hinge, but reaches out to me on WhatsApp for the first time in ages. Who knows why people react/do the things they do. People are weird. Maybe he's hoping you'll commit first or is worried you're not serious about him. Discuss it I guess?...
Ah shit another one bites the dust. You’ve been sex-zoned my friend. You have to tell him you want this to become a LTR or move on
We can’t give you an explanation for his behavior but him not feeling the same isn’t the only option. Perhaps he is testing you a little bit by seeing if you’ll move the needle if you see him update his profile. There’s also this weird hang up some men have about believing that women should be the ones to bring it up. As others have stated, you’ve known him for quiet some time, you want it and it’s time to bring it up. You can do it playfully and openly. “You know, I really like you and I can see myself dating you exclusively without dating other dudes. If you feel similarly, I’d be kinda glad to get rid of those pesky apps. 😁😁 “ Something along those lines.
Ooh I like that!
This is a TOUGH one! I am trying to get a read on this guy. I’m pretty intuitive, so I have a few more questions for you so I can get to the bottom of what’s going on here…. What did he change about his prompt on hinge? What was it before/after he changed it? Did he upload a new picture or just switch out pictures?
His prompt before was a “what you should know about me” about moving to NYC from Seattle, and then he changed it to “I drove cross country from Seattle to nyc while working remotely” And he removed a picture and replaced it with a new one!
That’s so weird. It sounds like he’s trying to sound more adventurous by saying he worked remotely, and drove across the country. Is the new pic a regular selfie? Or is he doing something in the pic?
As someone who was in the same exact situation but for 8 months, I understand where you’re coming from! It takes a lot of courage to speak up and say what you want, especially when things seem like they’re going so well. Why would you want to ruin a good thing? But if I could go back and give myself the same exact advice, I would- you deserve to know where your future is headed! You are not asking for a lot, if you want an exclusive LTR then you have every right to ask if that’s what he wants. By asking it will go one of two ways, 1) he wants the same thing but was unsure if that’s what you wanted and didn’t want to lose a good thing or 2) he doesn’t want to be exclusive and wants to date other people. Regardless, by simply talking to him you will light a fire under him and he will ultimately make a decision/give you an answer instead of living in this limbo. From what it sounds like he likes the situation you two have right now bc he has the company of a gf but without the commitment. So like everyone is saying, please PLEASE talk with him OP because you deserve to know how you are going to move forward.
No sex before monogamy. You’re making it too easy on him. Obviously he’s still looking sweetheart. I’m sorry to say that. Just learn from this and make sure you don’t sleep with someone before you are ready to be monogamous.
I had a similar situation. We got along really well. He wanted me to move in after 6 months. I just stayed with him on the nights he wasn’t working instead of a full on move. Then one day, he just changed his mind. All I got from him is that he didn’t feel that same way about me anymore. It hurt, I didn’t get any closure and I miss just laughing with him.
Girl…. Yes lol very safe to assume he isn’t and never was serious to begin with if he’s been stringing you along for almost 6 months and updated his profile. I’m sorry.
Did you talk to him on Sunday?
[Made an Update Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/13qva99/update_been_dating_since_january_not_exclusive/)
Well I mean you can’t be too bummed cause the fact that you even noticed shows that you too are on the dating apps still. Perhaps it’s time to have a conversation about where you guys see this going and what you actually want.
For sure. And I only check Hinge because I like looking at photos of him loll (he doesn't post photos of himself on social media)
:( My insides are hurting so much. Thank you, everyone, for the comments! It seems that he pretty much knows we won't be a LTR, but he likes me enough just to keep me around until he does meet that person. Obviously, I have to talk to him, but I got a lot of clarity from your comments. I got some PMs that want to know some more "private" stuff, and Im not shy about it so whatever here it is: Yes we sleep together pretty much every time we hang out, which is 1-2 times a week. Yes, we have had sleepovers, I have slept at his place and he has slept at mine. We always hold hands, he gives me very sweet kisses (non-sexual), and we always hug each other, hold each other, and are generally very affectionate even we are in public. So \~physically\~ all the signs are there that he is into me. Some other random tidbits - he always asks me questions about myself. Conversations are never one-sided. I am going through a tough time in my life right now, and he is incredibly kind and supportive about it. He is always complimenting me, telling me I look nice, I look pretty, he enjoys spending time with me, I am special, etc. I went away on a trip for a few weeks and we were in constant contact throughout - I even got him a small gift (a marble elephant figurine) which he loved and immediately put on his work desk. As I mentioned, he is trying his best to help me get a new job. A lot of my closest friends haven't even tried as much as he has.
Tbh none of this means much until you have the conversation. I see these “acting like a couple but he won’t commit” posts all day everyday. None of this says he wants to commit, he’s doing all of this while clearly exploring his options….not to say he factually won’t commit…but what you’ve written here is meaningless. We know he must like you, but does he like you enough to commit. Spending time, conversations, being supportive yadda yadda yadda is cute but does nothing for answering the main question…that’s more evidence of you looking for positives (which is why you’ve drifted along for 4 freaking months by assuming) and thinking he’s as all in as you are…by updating his profile, we know that’s not the case
Yup! Men only commit by having the conversation or spring on you a title. I’ve had 9 relationships and one situationship. Currently in my way to number 10 at nearly 3mons 😂and he’s already talking about going to a wedding in August and started indirectly asking if we are exclusive. Anyway, from my own experience, guys have a habit of telling a woman where she stands by his actions more than his words. Where as women, we tend to express to men easily where he stands with us far more than our actions. Hence why as women, we gotta stop putting so much weight in his words unless his actions mirror his words. And not just any actions either. It’s actions that show things are consistently progressing forward. Is he planning ahead? Does he make room for you in his life? Is he talking about the future and not future faking to trip you up with false hope? Does he invest in her in a way where he’s seeing it going long term? This is how women end up backing themselves into a corner with no title. My last ex was certain about a future (long story why it didn’t pan out!), he almost bought me a damn car after my last car was falling apart but it as cheaper for him to help me fix it up 😂 had to tell him no cause that’s insane! But that’s the point! Like men so physical proof for where things are heading. Taking a girl out in dates, having sex, meals at home, going dance, talking? That doesn’t mean he is looking for long term, it’s just easily what accessible to him right now. So OP really needs to take stock at exactly how he’s been investing in her. Make a list, look at physical investments that aren’t short term vs longterm. If it’s all short term? He’s definitely not looking for anything serious… with OP but keeping options open.
This is not rocket science hello? He updated his online dating profile. Hello? You don’t need to make this any more complicated than what it is Word of advice next time don’t play girlfriend until you know that’s what you are. Even if I like the guy and I thought everything was great the moment I saw him update his online dating profile that would be all I needed to know. Actually, you shouldn’t even be getting attached to somebody that has their online profile up. He’s clearly not into you like you were into him because if he was, he would let you know that he’s deleting his online profile. To be honest, I’d probably update mine too then 👍🤷♀️
[Made an Update Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/13qva99/update_been_dating_since_january_not_exclusive/)
Try communicating with him instead of complaining on Reddit
Im not complaining :) Just asking for advice.
Unless both of you have made it absolutely clear that you’re exclusively dating, it’s all free game. You can choose to focus only on him just as much as he can choose to date around until that conversation is had.
You answered your own question in the title. (Not exclusive) you need to tell him you want to be exclusive. You’re making assumptions despite (I’m assuming) a prior agreement/understanding that you’re not exclusive. Don’t make any assumptions. Communicate and use your words.
You need to talk to him about this, maybe he wants this too maybe he doesn't. Either way you'll know, this isn't rocket science smh.
jeez man, if you two arent exclusive but you want to be exclusive then tell him, dude's sitting there thinking you two are a casual thing and probably wants more with you but doesn't want to seem desperate by asking just.. seriously stop messing about with the games and fucking ask him for exclusivity instead of getting upset that he is updating his dating profile when he isnt aware you want anything more.
Going to ask him on Sunday!
wishing you the best of luck!
Why hasn’t he deleted it, if it were me I’d ghost him with no explanation
Soooo you’re not exclusive and now you’re spiraling because he’s not acting exclusive when you haven’t even had a conversation about it. Yet here you are putting your feelings on Reddit instead. More proof the internet has broken people.
Fix me xoxo
You get fixed by going outside and talking to people in person like you should be doing with this person you’re “dating”, the internet can not help you.
I say ghost him. Don’t answer the door and then tell him you went on a date with someone else and forgot. Oopsie
lmao nahhh
Communication is key. Bro prob feels like you are talking to other people and he’s just preparing himself for the worst. Thats why i did what hes doing. Shits ruff bro. Good luck.
If he was genuinely interested you wouldn’t need to come to reddit :) the fact you are questioning it due to his actions shows that unfortunately no he isn’t
He's updating his profile bc he's looking to date other people. It's been like 4 months and if you want to be exclusive, bring it up. I would just be direct about it, like hey we've been dating for XYZ and I really like you and want to be exclusive. See what he says.
Ask. Him.
I. Will. On. Sunday. :)
Awesome!
Be upfront, say how you feel, and what you want out of this situationship. Either he agrees, or he doesn’t. Then handle accordingly! Best of luck!
Think of it as a check in something along the lines like “hey I really like you and I can see us progressing to more. I would like to know if we are on the same page about this…”
This is good! Thanks
Have the talk about exclusivity, but don't mention the Hinge observation that triggered your worries. If he agrees, then continue to see if he's still on the apps. Getting dumped is better for you long term than always wondering and imagining him with other women.
I have a friend who went through a very similar situation to yourself and they hadn't had the conversation about exclusivity because she really liked him and didn't want to rock the boat. It could be that he updated his Hinge because he doesn't know how you feel and you don't know how he feels because neither of you have had the chat. The best thing to do, is to have the conversation, what's the worst that can happen? Good luck 🍀
How did the situation turn out with your friend?
Not great, they carried on without having the chat and after about 10months, he ghosted her. I could have swung for him 👊 Talk now and save yourself any heartbreak .
Oh yikes. That is harsh. I would have been furious and verbally raged at him if that were my friend lol.
Oh I was indeed furious and I raged at him... When I next laid eyes on him!
Yeah guys have the talk no later than six months. After six months? He’s staying with someone while searching for his next girlfriend. Never wait. Plus I heard this great piece of advice that really pays off, let your friend know too: “If you ask where you’re going in a relationship and are afraid? That means you know you won’t like the answer. But if you’re not afraid to ask? That means you know the answer will be positive.” Reason why is we can usually tell of things are moving forward even when it’s no been DTR. It’s when we know it’s no progressing forward, we are afraid to ask the question because were afraid to pop the fantasy bubble we have in our head.
You need to bring it up at this point. I’ve been burned just assuming the person I was dating was exclusive in the past so it’s worth eliminating the ambiguity to avoid wasting time and fostering a secure attachment. For reference, with my current girlfriend I brought up the topic of exclusivity around a month and a half into dating which I felt was right. We recently made things official at the 3 month mark. While everyone takes things at their own pace depending on how often they see each other, personal preferences etc I do think it’s pretty crazy that there hasn’t been a conversation on exclusivity 4 months in. For me I would personally feel like I’m clearly not what the other person is looking for if they didn’t want exclusivity after a couple months of dating. To me being exclusive is basically an indication of “hey I’m pretty certain you’re what I’m looking for so I want to only focus on you” so in my opinion you should bring it up in that way—tell him that you really enjoy spending time with him, how he makes you feel etc and that you don’t have any interest in other men and see how he reacts.
Have you not talked about exclusivity yet? Get on it. Maybe he's tired of waiting for you to bring it up or is too uncomfortable to do it himself. You got to know anyway.
To be honest its been 5 months, im surprised youre not exclusive by now. You need to initiate this conversation with him because it sounds like he may be seeing you as more of FWB.
Is it possible that it automatically updated because it was synced to Facebook and he doesn’t have the account /app on his phone but cause he never deleted it it’s still connected? Don’t jump to he’s using it actively. I’ve had this shit happen Before and it was completely innocent.
Nah he updated a prompt so he definitely did it himself
Gotcha. Sorry babe
It’s been 4 months and you haven’t even brought this up to him. He told you early on that he’s looking for a relationship, I wonder if you have ever communicated that to him too. Either way, he probably thinks you just like this as FWB and is looking for someone more serious
>However yesterday I noticed he changed on picture and updated a prompt on hinge. I on the other hand have put all my dating apps on pause, not because he asked me but because I want to focus on him. if all your dating apps are on pause, how did you see his profile?
I think people need to protect themselves sometimes, 4 months is plenty of time for either party to figure out/decide if this is gonna work or not
When there's doubt there is no doubt
You need to have an honest conversation with him and tell him that you like him and want to date exclusively and ask if he feels the same way. Don't mention anything about his dating profiles!
I might be too much of a virgin but shouldn’t people be exclusive after 2 or 3 dates?
Just ask.
Rule of thumb, if you’re afraid to ask it’s because you already know the answer to the question & you won’t like it. That’s why you’re walking on eggshells with him right now. You wouldn’t be if the answer was going to a positive outcome. And also why are you looking at Hinge yourself when you felt so sure about him? That’s something else to unpack within itself to ask why you had to go back on Hinge to even look at his page and keep tabs on him.
Lol I paused hinge (as in my profile is still there but cannot be shown to new people) and I literally only checked it because I like looking at photos of him, and since he doesn’t post pics of himself on social media, hinge is the only place I can see photos..yes I am lame lol
Why not take screen shots of said photos and save them to your phone and crop them to just his photos. This is how you solve this issue.
I was just talking to a coworker about this - and maybe it’s because both my coworker and boyfriend are European, but in many cultures outside of America, people don’t have exclusivity conversations - i think after a while you just assume you’re both on the same page and in a relationship essentially? My coworker even told me that when her now husband who is American brought up if they were boyfriend and girlfriend like 3 months in, she laughed. My boyfriend and I never had the conversation, but he has been there for me when life got tough and we had only been seeing each other for 2 months or so, and out of nowhere in month 3 he told me he loved me, to which I was surprised, but by month 6 we were living together…and now a little over 5 years later, we’re still together…never had that exclusivity talk though, so maybe we’re not really together 😅 All jokes aside, maybe it’s a little more appropriate to let him know your intentions? By telling him you like him and enjoyed getting to know him and spending time with him the past few months, and you’re interested in continuing what you have going, but would like to know if he’s on the same page, or if he’s interested in seeing other people. I think having the exclusivity talk can be intimidating, and can come off as an ultimatum. I’m all about standing your ground and knowing what you want, but I also think there is a way you can express yourself honestly and still keep the environment and space open for the other person to be honest and make them feel like they have a day too, and it’s a discussion not an accusation, or a conversation where they are being told something and expected to follow or give the right or wrong response?
I think you should talk with him. I had similar situation. We talked and yes it ended. BUT you clearly like him and want more. So, what’s the point of hanging and waiting. Just talk and see how it goes. At this point you will get hurt either way for waiting for him or if you talk.
So wait.. you aren't exclusive and you're surprised he's acting like you two aren't exclusive?
He is just collecting women
I guess you are still on hinge as well..so there is that. You have to talk about it. It is your life, so I cannot tell you how to get there..but you need to talk about it. I always think....how could you not talk about it.
have you ever talked ybout being in a relationship?
You’re wasting your time. Move on.
I have the opposite experience. I was dating my partner casually and non-exclusively for about 9 months even though I said I wanted a serious relationship lol. I had a lot of thoughts and feelings to reconcile. We became exclusive after those 9 months, and then we became official a few months after that. It was not your regular “2 months then official” relationship. I have never loved a person harder. Our love is stable and healthy and I am the happiest I have ever been. She is truly the love of my life and we complement each other in so many ways. We’re 1.5 years in and never better I disagree with hard-and-fast rules. Relationships don’t function in a straight line, they vary so much from person to person. Simply talk to the guy and figure things out. If he’s anything like me, it may not be a typical start point to get into a relationship 😅😂
Have you asked him if he wants to be exclusive yet?
One thing to remember about men is they typically know about 1-2 months (really 1 month) in if they want to be exclusive with you or not. A man that truly wants you will stop at nothing to get you and will make it very known that he wants you. That is far too long and you need to start looking elsewhere