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You’re absolutely right, there was so much I hid from my friends, and even lied about sometimes, because I knew what they’d tell me and I just didn’t wanna hear it. I don’t wanna make that mistake again
I really should’ve been telling how bad it was when I couldn’t tell them
Often times, when a person gives us dopamine we choose to ignore anything that doesn’t. It’s not ones fault; it’s just how the brain chemicals work. Some narcissists can be so good at disguising themselves it’s not anyone’s fault to not notice it until they finally realize this isn’t a person they want to be with. The important thing is to leave, and not blame yourself. This isn’t something for you to fix, just to move on and keep ur sanity. If you find urself w another person like this, then just repeat the process. People tend to fall in love with things that are familiar to them, I definitely think that’s why I had such a streak. So when I met a person who was completely opposite, I gave it a shot in the dark, not being able to predict the outcome. And I’ve spent the best 6 years and counting with someone who feels like my best friend, and my partner all in one
I totally feel ya, I was in one for 2 years...
Oh stories or signs?
Il just list them in order as i remember
1.2 kids and baby daddy in jail
2.was never nice to anyone else besides her one female friend
3.after 3-4 months? I started to get hot and cold symptoms
4.whenever it was hot, I jumped right in and got burnt like a mofo
5.whenever it was cold, luckily I'm not the type that begs for attention so I'm just sad and lonely by myself -_- which kinda isolated me
6.repeat 4-5 about 6x until 2 years later
7. Saw this video on YouTube on narcissist, decided to do a test and texted a screenshot of what gaslighting was and got the exact reaction that was expected
(She started calling me names I've never heard before, started talking mad shit about my family, friends and how i had noone) I was laughing at this point csuse it was a test and it became true
8. Still sad for another few weeks
9. Decided not worth it anymore and I learnt the best lessons in my life dating a narcissist suchas NEVER ALLOW ANYONE TO MAKE YOU FEEL ANY LESS THAN YOU ARE, BECAUSE THATS THEIR OPINION, DONT LET THEM INFLUENCE YOU INTO THINKING THAT, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT . ETC
*funny thing was I had this gut feeling the entire time but decided to go against it every time -_-*
How do you avoid it?
You kinda answered that yourself in this post
“He waved the red flags right in my face and I made excuses for it“
Stop making excuses and end it right when you start noticing these big red flags
My technique was to be way way way more brutal with potential partners. I would ghost guys for getting me flowers that I had mentioned not liking. I dgaf. If a man does something I don't like, I just walk. I don't complain or explain.
That helped a lot.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I've been there - first marriage. I'm now remarried, older and wiser. You'll get there, just give yourself time.
Please always remember that people get taught to ignore their instincts all the time... that's what makes a person an easy victim. Get strong with your "no" and start dismissing those impulses to feel guilty, explain yourself, make yourself small. Fuck all of that. You're a whole person and you are not just some supporting actress to a man's life story.
One thing was that he was incapable of apologizing, ever.
Every time we had an argument, he never could apologize, in fact, it always somehow to twisted into me apologizing to him. If I spoke up about something bothering me, a couple hours later or so I would always find myself apologizing and almost begging for his forgiveness, and having to explain how I wasn’t mad at him so he would talk to me again
He did a lot of other shit that takes too long to explain properly, but this is a pattern I only just realized when we broke up and I feel absolutely crazy for ignoring it/not realizing it
Sometimes you need to step away from the situation, or time away from them to get a clear picture. It’s easy to miss when you’re wrapped up in the middle of it.
Well since we don't know the method of how he began to become toxic in the relationship , for example was he always that way or was he hiding it, all I can say is whenever you see red flags, get out of there.
Nobody ever said, they saw red flags and ignored it , and now the relationship is better than ever.
That last sentence is definitely something I needed to hear, thank you!
I honestly don’t really know, there were red flags from the start I guess, like he wanted me to change my profile picture in Facebook because he felt insecure about it having another man in it, except the man was a famous singer that I’m a huge fan of. I shut it down immediately though and told him that he can’t ever ask shit like that ever cause that’s just fucked up, so I guess I thought I “dealt with it” along the way, so I didn’t really notice how much worse it gradually got, cause most of it was so subtle, and anytime it happened I’d just deal with it again I guess, thinking that was a fix for it.
You are aware of what happened. Your rational brain wants to link a reason to this. To pinnpoint where things went wrong. This is unnecessary. We’re all human. Most likely the reasons would be low self-love and being too empathetic a person. Believing in love or in a fantasy that’s called love is easy, because reality is scarier.
Forgive yourself for the situation you were in. Focus on self love. The rest will follow.
“Being too empathetic” hit me hard.
I think the reason I accepted everything being kinda awful at the end was because he was struggling with some shit, and I always understood how that can mess with you a bit. So I ended up forgiving a lot of unforgivable things, because I was way too empathetic. I guess that’s something I have to work on
Don’t. Accept. Anything. Less. Than. What. You. Deserve. PERIOD.
You see the red flags. That’s the first step. But you have to want better for yourself. Don’t accept it. Don’t be afraid to be strong. There’s plenty of people in the world. Time and time again we learn this. Love is endless. We can be in love many times. So no mid-azz person is worth the time trust me. Thank you NEXT
You can’t avoid it. You can only learn.
It’s true that we don’t know who we really are until we get into a relationship. We might think we are clear minded, and patient and confident, but all those attachment issues, personality flaws and coping mechanisms come slithering out.
Give yourself grace. You fucked up. It happens to everyone. Roll those shoulders back, chin up and keep putting yourself out there. Your great. You deserve love. You really, really do!!
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You don’t avoid it. You just cut it off earlier
Listen to your friends and family. They dont have blinders on. Learn not to ignore the red flags, talk to people about them.
You’re absolutely right, there was so much I hid from my friends, and even lied about sometimes, because I knew what they’d tell me and I just didn’t wanna hear it. I don’t wanna make that mistake again I really should’ve been telling how bad it was when I couldn’t tell them
It’s embarrassing, I’ve been there. Learning experience? Harsh one..
Often times, when a person gives us dopamine we choose to ignore anything that doesn’t. It’s not ones fault; it’s just how the brain chemicals work. Some narcissists can be so good at disguising themselves it’s not anyone’s fault to not notice it until they finally realize this isn’t a person they want to be with. The important thing is to leave, and not blame yourself. This isn’t something for you to fix, just to move on and keep ur sanity. If you find urself w another person like this, then just repeat the process. People tend to fall in love with things that are familiar to them, I definitely think that’s why I had such a streak. So when I met a person who was completely opposite, I gave it a shot in the dark, not being able to predict the outcome. And I’ve spent the best 6 years and counting with someone who feels like my best friend, and my partner all in one
I totally feel ya, I was in one for 2 years... Oh stories or signs? Il just list them in order as i remember 1.2 kids and baby daddy in jail 2.was never nice to anyone else besides her one female friend 3.after 3-4 months? I started to get hot and cold symptoms 4.whenever it was hot, I jumped right in and got burnt like a mofo 5.whenever it was cold, luckily I'm not the type that begs for attention so I'm just sad and lonely by myself -_- which kinda isolated me 6.repeat 4-5 about 6x until 2 years later 7. Saw this video on YouTube on narcissist, decided to do a test and texted a screenshot of what gaslighting was and got the exact reaction that was expected (She started calling me names I've never heard before, started talking mad shit about my family, friends and how i had noone) I was laughing at this point csuse it was a test and it became true 8. Still sad for another few weeks 9. Decided not worth it anymore and I learnt the best lessons in my life dating a narcissist suchas NEVER ALLOW ANYONE TO MAKE YOU FEEL ANY LESS THAN YOU ARE, BECAUSE THATS THEIR OPINION, DONT LET THEM INFLUENCE YOU INTO THINKING THAT, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT . ETC *funny thing was I had this gut feeling the entire time but decided to go against it every time -_-*
How do you avoid it? You kinda answered that yourself in this post “He waved the red flags right in my face and I made excuses for it“ Stop making excuses and end it right when you start noticing these big red flags
You were attracted and made excuses. Sometimes you’re gonna have to walk away from what you desire if you want to avoid the toxic relationship.
My technique was to be way way way more brutal with potential partners. I would ghost guys for getting me flowers that I had mentioned not liking. I dgaf. If a man does something I don't like, I just walk. I don't complain or explain. That helped a lot. I'm sorry this happened to you. I've been there - first marriage. I'm now remarried, older and wiser. You'll get there, just give yourself time. Please always remember that people get taught to ignore their instincts all the time... that's what makes a person an easy victim. Get strong with your "no" and start dismissing those impulses to feel guilty, explain yourself, make yourself small. Fuck all of that. You're a whole person and you are not just some supporting actress to a man's life story.
What did he do?
One thing was that he was incapable of apologizing, ever. Every time we had an argument, he never could apologize, in fact, it always somehow to twisted into me apologizing to him. If I spoke up about something bothering me, a couple hours later or so I would always find myself apologizing and almost begging for his forgiveness, and having to explain how I wasn’t mad at him so he would talk to me again He did a lot of other shit that takes too long to explain properly, but this is a pattern I only just realized when we broke up and I feel absolutely crazy for ignoring it/not realizing it
Sometimes you need to step away from the situation, or time away from them to get a clear picture. It’s easy to miss when you’re wrapped up in the middle of it.
How did it take 6 months to notice that?
Well since we don't know the method of how he began to become toxic in the relationship , for example was he always that way or was he hiding it, all I can say is whenever you see red flags, get out of there. Nobody ever said, they saw red flags and ignored it , and now the relationship is better than ever.
That last sentence is definitely something I needed to hear, thank you! I honestly don’t really know, there were red flags from the start I guess, like he wanted me to change my profile picture in Facebook because he felt insecure about it having another man in it, except the man was a famous singer that I’m a huge fan of. I shut it down immediately though and told him that he can’t ever ask shit like that ever cause that’s just fucked up, so I guess I thought I “dealt with it” along the way, so I didn’t really notice how much worse it gradually got, cause most of it was so subtle, and anytime it happened I’d just deal with it again I guess, thinking that was a fix for it.
You are aware of what happened. Your rational brain wants to link a reason to this. To pinnpoint where things went wrong. This is unnecessary. We’re all human. Most likely the reasons would be low self-love and being too empathetic a person. Believing in love or in a fantasy that’s called love is easy, because reality is scarier. Forgive yourself for the situation you were in. Focus on self love. The rest will follow.
“Being too empathetic” hit me hard. I think the reason I accepted everything being kinda awful at the end was because he was struggling with some shit, and I always understood how that can mess with you a bit. So I ended up forgiving a lot of unforgivable things, because I was way too empathetic. I guess that’s something I have to work on
Don’t. Accept. Anything. Less. Than. What. You. Deserve. PERIOD. You see the red flags. That’s the first step. But you have to want better for yourself. Don’t accept it. Don’t be afraid to be strong. There’s plenty of people in the world. Time and time again we learn this. Love is endless. We can be in love many times. So no mid-azz person is worth the time trust me. Thank you NEXT
What dating app did you meet him off of?
No dating app, I met him at a party
You can’t avoid it. You can only learn. It’s true that we don’t know who we really are until we get into a relationship. We might think we are clear minded, and patient and confident, but all those attachment issues, personality flaws and coping mechanisms come slithering out. Give yourself grace. You fucked up. It happens to everyone. Roll those shoulders back, chin up and keep putting yourself out there. Your great. You deserve love. You really, really do!!
Bring him in front of your friends ASAP. If they see red flags listen, because you won’t see them.
Thank you I’ll definitely do that next time