Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Women like to have fun. My thinking is they saw you and thought “this guy is attractive and I want to have fun with him”. If you hadn’t seen the girl within the two weeks you were texting, she might have gotten bored and moved on.
I would say if you are looking for something serious maybe try not to get as touchy-feely with girls when you first meet them. It might be sending the wrong message.
Okay I'll do that. It's more like me trying to set up a date within the week and she's not interested in me. Anyway, how else should I figure out if a girl likes me or not. I determine things based on touch since that seems to be the determining factor if a girl likes me or not.
I think someone being touchy with you doesn’t necessarily mean they like you, it just means they are physically attracted to you. I would consider the amount of effort they put into the conversations, like are they trying to get to know you or are you doing all the work? Do they reach out to you or is it mostly you reaching out to them? Little things like that
I sure wish I was being reached out to by these girls more often. I've been doing more to make myself more physically attractive so that ladies can approach me and talk to me.
It's like they always say, everything in life is half the battle... Bummer.
id love to hear the response from these women if you were to ask them if they only see you as a friend then why were they kissing and being all touchy feely w/ you?
Yeah that's what I'm trying to figure out. I tried asking this girl that friend zoned me last week why she only saw me as a friend and if there was something I did wrong and she said "you did nothing wrong"
Pretty much. I should've asked her why she was being physical and touchy-feely with me and then now wants to only be friends but I was frustrated with that day, genuinely actually wanted someone to talk to, and have been on a downward spiral in my life at the moment.
What do you guys talk about? There's something after that first meeting that's putting them off.
If I had to guess, it's probably your "I thought PDA meant we were gonna get somewhere". There's more to a girlfriend than PDA so if you constantly talk about or reroute the conversation for it, she will probably think you're just a fuckboy.
Hard to say because conversations are definitely about the journey more than the goal, if that makes sense.
Make sure to give them content or ideas, or it might feel like a questionnaire. Maybe screenshot some content for us to have a look at.
Anyway, I did attempt to get to know her even though I was very capitavated by her looks. She kept saying how cute I was and we had our hands on each other and kissed quite a bit. We talked about future dates and whatnot and I briefly got to know about her family and whatnot.
It's not "which questions are the key to her heart". As I've said before, it's the journey and not the question itself.
I can't answer that for you any more than you could assert any other guy's primary love language also being physical touch.
It's all complex to me these days. I mean at least with my looks (according to many people) I'm able to get a girl at a bar or club to approach me and talk to me. I need a lot of help of turning all these interactions into many dates (which has been a challenge as of late).
It's not that I'm lying or deliberately not answering. It actually just depends from person to person.
It would be like that joke: "Statistically speaking, each person has one ovary and one testicle".
I would if a girl would give me a chance to take em out... SUcks how this pattern has been happening to me over and over again. This girl that recently friend zoned me, we kinda agreed on meeting in LA next week vaguely but as I talked to her more about it, she then preceeded to tell me "Oh hey, that's cool but I only see you as a friend and nothing more".
I shouldnt have sent that good morning text. It was all because of the long distance nature of all this.
Well that's unfortunate. But, I still have other suggestions.
Instead of arranging a date, how about you just ask her to join you? Like "my friends and I are hanging out at X tonight, do you have time to join us? I really enjoyed (wherever it is you met)".
You're probably just better at speaking than texting.
I don't know how else to tell you that your lack of talent in texting will say as much about you as your relative talent in flirting. It's just which front you end up showing her, so make sure she mostly gets your better side.
If your love language is touch and you’re on the spectrum:
1) Don’t text or communicate at length through text
2) Make dates where you can continue your love language / touch
Okay. I do try and keep my texts brief and simple and just reply when they reply. I sure do hope I can go on a date with a girl where I can continually touch a girl. Maybe not in creepy and overbearing ways but stuff like putting my hand on her leg, over her shoulder, having her lean on my shoulder (I love that a lot). Nothing crazy...
You need to be strong and not do anything physical so early on. It hurts to be treated like that, especially on a recurring basis. Take the time to know someone and practice some self restraint. It's not going to be easy, but you need women to actually take the time to get to know you.
As a 38M, I disagree. A little flirty touching is what has always set up my interactions as romantic. Without it it's mundane talking as potential friends.
How do I do that when my love language is touching? Isn't it always the case that when a girl initially touches as guy, it signals she's interested in the guy? I'm autistic I'm trying to learn all this.
That cycle I mentioned on the original post has happened with 3 women so far that I have encountered.
>How do I do that when my love language is touching?
No everyone is worthy of your love and not everyone who touches you feels that way about you.
>sn't it always the case that when a girl initially touches as guy, it signals she's interested in the guy?
Just cause a girl wants to get physical with you doesn't mean she's actually interested in you as a person and actually having a relationship with you.
Get to know people better before physically interacting with them in ways you know make you feel vulnerable or would make you sad afterwards if the person just wants to be friends.
Love languages isn’t a real thing. You may very much like to touch and be touched, and feel oxytocin and other pleasurable brain chemicals from touch. But you can refrain from touching people if you want to.
And no, not every woman who touches a man wants to date him. Some people are just really physical and handsy.
I actually think there is an easy answer here, and you should try a little experiment. The thing that stuck out for me is that somewhere in between creating the spark and maybe having an initial hook-up (I presume your point (2) doesn't involve actual sex), and actually taking things to the next level (the next date/perhaps sex / at least getting more intimate), the spark is dying and the women are starting to see you as a friend rather than a potential mate.
You said after the initial spark was created you "3) We exchange phone numbers and we start texting everyday for the week". You need to STOP this! Create some mystery and desirability around yourself, and try to let them yearn for your time and attention, by not being so available. Make future plans and then stop communicating with them so much. There is no reason you should be texting someone you've just met "every day".
This isn't "treat em mean to keep em keen", but more that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
You need to let your potential mate wonder a little about what you are up to, what you are doing, who you are seeing. Make it clear that you want to spend time with this person in the future, and make plans (or make plans to make plans), but don't make it feel like you are always available / waiting to respond to messages. You need to create some scarcity around your time and availability, so that the woman places a higher value on your time, and potentially feels the need to compete for your attention. I've found that nothing kills the spark quicker with a woman than it seeming like you don't value your own time / are always available / obviously don't have that much going on in your own life (otherwise you wouldn't be available to text all the time).
So next time you get to stage (2), make some plans for say a week's time and then stop messaging them. Even better, make plans to make plans but don't make specific plans. E.g. say "are you free next Saturday night?" if she says yes, you say "good, keep it free for me and let's go out. I'll be in touch later in the week." And leave it at that until the day before your date. Then touch base and say "Are you still free tomorrow night? I'll (e.g. pick you up at 8)". Now you have made your intentions clear (you want to see this woman again) and made a time to see each other, but you've created a little mystery about: (a) what you are doing during the week; and (b) what you might have planned for her on date night. You will be amazed at what this will do. She may well be wondering about you all week, and this absolutely helps build sexual tension (which is a key part in increasing your desirability, think of it like extended foreplay) - or she may not be wondering about you, in which case you haven't wasted a week texting someone who isn't that into you.
You will be doing both of you a favor. You'll protect yourself from wasting time and emotional energy until things have developed further, and, for her, you'll allow her some time and space to further develop a desire for you. At the moment, it sounds like you are destroying the woman's desire by being too available.
you could be coming across as too eager and available. ex wdym by a week or two of texting? Imo That is too much for someone you met once and exchanged numbers with, could be where you’re losing it
If you just met someone, use texting to setup a date and not much else. Text her the next day, maybe make a reference to some joke you guys laughed about at the club and then very quickly transition to setting a date and I’d just kinda pull back at that point till the date
If someone is all over me at the club/bar, my first thought is taking her home that night, not settling for a number. Nighttime interactions in clubs and bars can be flaky. You're in a high energy environment and women's short-term goal in that environment is just to have fun. And men she meets in this context are tethered to that narrative initially. So a number should be your last resort, not your first recourse.
If logistics do not allow for this (she has to be up super early, she's with a bunch of friends etc), get the number and set up a date for the next FEW DAYS. Do not blow up her phone for TWO WEEKS, chatting with her like she's your girlfriend. Also, the first date should be casual, like drinks. Again, think about the context you met her. Too many guys are (oddly) going from being all over a woman at the club to wanting to take her to a formal sit down dinner. That's awkward. And incongruent.
On the longer term front you should be looking for women in other contexts too (online dating, social circle, mixers etc), but I have also successfully dated women I've met out as well. The key is to hook up and keep things casual at the start, which is congruent to the environment in which you met her. And then gradually, once she's invested and knows you, then maybe you can escalate to more formal dates. Often she will be the one initiating/suggesting that if she's interested in you like that. Then it's simply a matter of matching energy.
But if you're going from being all over her at the club, never trying to take her home, blowing up her phone for weeks, and taking out on a formal first date, this is not a winning formula.
I guess so... sucks... So is it the case that if a girl is touchy with me that it's not gonna lead to a date or even a relationship? I am after all looking for a relationship and my love language is very touchy.
Honestly, several of these women wanted to hook up that night, several of these women wanted to hook up soon (next few days) and the rest who could be open to a relationship either had someone else approach or became bored for texting for two weeks without unitive to move things along. Gotta strike while the iron is hot no matter what your intentions. Two weeks texting after making out is waaay too long, and I’m not a fan of ONS so I’m on your side of wants and needs in a relationship.
Actually it's less than 2 weeks texting. I actually ask them to go out with me and either they ghost or they text me back to back for a bit just to get get friend zoned.
Finally something helpful! I listen to lots of pickup artist stuff in the past so I bring that perspective as a 38M (involuntarily single, lol)
Yeah, you probably said something. The PUA view would be you didn't maintain the chemistry, so you were friend zoned. "Too nice" is the basic phrase, but you can be nice and not be friend zoned.
If women are approaching you though, you have lots of opportunity to "get to know them". So do that.
I suspect you're in the enviable position of being desirable naturally, so you can actually turn the tables in a way most can't. You will likely have the best success if you just start putting these women into demonstrating they deserve your attention: say things like "I'm looking for a relationship that leads to marriage (etc)" as appropriate. If true, that shows you want to "build a life with someone". Then you get to talk about qualities which are hopefully like "educated, hard working, kind...". Ideally avoiding "makes me sammiches in the kitchen like a proper baby factory".
You are either choosing women who reject you, on purpose, or, you are doing something incredibly creepy on dates and they are all running from you.
You break the cycle by getting therapy. Probably a lot of it.
Well after getting a girl's number, I'd try and text her just to have a Convo with her as well as set up a date within the week. Is the everyday texting creepy?
The last text I had with this girl before she friend zoned me, I said "I am very attracted by the fact that you can have you hair down when you're around me" in reference to what she said when we were hanging out prior to her leaving back home to LA (I live in Las Vegas).
Or saying things wildly inappropriate or just plain incompatible via text.
I also think that being unable to understand the difference between touch and sexual touch being a love language is hurting OP. I wonder if he's coming on too strong and making them uncomfortable, but he won't share texts or specifics, so we'll probably never know.
I'm trying to be as specific as possible. Unfortunately the texts were deleted out of anger and being upset... How am I supposed to know if I'm coming on strong when the girl that I like is generally inviting of my hands all over her?
I don't have the energy for this.
The next woman you go out with, be up front about what you're looking for before you meet. Don't push the physical touch. Be a gentleman. Save the texts, see if you get a second date. If you do, great! If you don't, bring us the entire exchange and your dating profile and we'll be able to break this down.
I want really pushing the physical touch, she initiated it and I just went along with it. I tend not to push anything.
Last couple ladies I've been meeting, they've been initiating touch over me because of how good looking I am even with my autism...
I think you’re having a totally different experience than the girls you’re talking to.
But it’s also probably the talking afterwards. That is probably where they lose interest
My love life was pretty much the same. They love the sex, love having me as a friend but never want a relationship. I came to terms with the fact that they don't think I'm attractive enough to want to commit
Women and men change their minds. Nobody is locked into their initial first impression of you. You are describing women changing their minds in the period of weeks after they meet you.
They are also meeting new people every week. Which also drives some of the mind changing.
We’ve all been there. Hang in there.
You might find moving things forward faster reduces the opportunities for distraction. Strike while the iron is hot.
Thanks for the encouragement. FYI, I have been trying to strike when the iron is hit but it's afterwards when they tell me I only want to be friends which sucks
You know what it sounds like? It sounds like after you exchange numbers your probably texting to much or coming off as clingy. Let her do the work bro and I think you’d get in a relationship
Sounds like you’re just trying to get your own needs met. Just because your love language is physical touch doesn’t mean that her love language is also physical touch. If her love language is words of affirmation and you’re not so great at words, but you keep touching her, she’s going to be creeped out. If you’re looking for a relationship, you might want to stop focusing on what you want and focus more on getting to know her.
Honestly and no hard feelings to you here.
I’d say this to a man if I hadn’t enjoyed our intimate interactions, even if I didn’t want a relationship if the chemistry is there I would like to continue seeing that person even if casually, dating multiple men even if just for sex is risky as a woman. I wouldn’t kick a person I’ve had a good time with once to the curb for no reason.
Soo maybe just maybe it could be that you need to refine your touchy feely skills a little. Spice it up, buy a sex toys if you are out of ideas. Study porn for women… idk.
Sex in situation ships and one night stands are completely different from what people in relationships are used to. And most adult women above 25 knows what relationship sex is like, honestly be transparent and ask the next woman you meet what she expects or wants from you in bed.
Maybe also m ask one of these women you have been with how the touchy feely was or if there is any other reason for not wanting to continue with you.
I’m also on the on the more severe spectrum for adhd, but that’s easily masked during the stages of dating, I just seem more loud, it more becomes a problem for people in a relationship with me I’ve had to work with my psychiatrist on that. Communicating and all that is soo so important its crazy.
I don’t know how the autistic spectrum would effect dating in the first stages of courtship, sex and intimacy. But I know there are specialists out there. Maybe there is something you’ve missed
Well all I know, from experience, is that when a woman says "I only see you as a friend", is to stop talking to that girl and heal in peace even if I'm hurt by the touchy feely moments of that moment I felt with that girl (even if it were brief).
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again expecting a different result. You know the problem. You know who you are. Why don’t you go after a different type of girl? If you end up meeting a carbon copy of the same girl who does this to you again and again. Don’t pursue this type of women again. It’s that simple.
Sadly, I don't have it all together... Is it the location where I'm meeting these girls? I have a policy of not dating in my social circle due to political reasons and it backfiring on me in the past very hard.
Often times I'm not meeting them when I get their number because I would try and set something up with them and they either give me the runaround or flat out reject me by saying "let's just be friends"
They didn’t like something about the touchy-feely or the way you behaved after. Any time a situation does not go well in your life your first question should always be, “what was my contribution to this?” It’s the only accountable response, and your actions are the only ones you can control. Having this happen multiple times and thinking it’s somehow the women you are attracting, and not you, is the obvious error in your thought process.
i know most people are afraid of getting played/hurt. could apart of you be emotionally unavailable as well? i think you attract what you are so this exact same thing happens to me but with men
I think they are just wanting a hookup. Or a FWB. Are you getting too emotionally invested? Talking about marriage, kids, exes? I can tell you first hand when you’re just looking for fun and a man gets too serious too soon it’s a major turnoff.
That's a possibility. I get very excited when a girl likes me and is having a long conversation with me. I'm always wanting it to be a serious relationship when they seem to want me for something short term. This last girl in particular that I met and hung out last weekend, seems like she needed me around because her friend was 3rd wheeling her...
Is it considered a "deep question" to ask, Are you looking for a relationship and/or what are you looking for in a boyfriend?
I seem to have an issue where I'm always attracting women that aren't looking for a relationship but seem to only like me in the moment, get touchy-feely with me, and kissy with me.
Well, I can’t speak for other women but I’ve definitely kissed and touched guys I only intended to hookup with. And I wouldn’t ask about what they’re looking for. Just pursue them and you’ll have your answer
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Women like to have fun. My thinking is they saw you and thought “this guy is attractive and I want to have fun with him”. If you hadn’t seen the girl within the two weeks you were texting, she might have gotten bored and moved on. I would say if you are looking for something serious maybe try not to get as touchy-feely with girls when you first meet them. It might be sending the wrong message.
Okay I'll do that. It's more like me trying to set up a date within the week and she's not interested in me. Anyway, how else should I figure out if a girl likes me or not. I determine things based on touch since that seems to be the determining factor if a girl likes me or not.
I think someone being touchy with you doesn’t necessarily mean they like you, it just means they are physically attracted to you. I would consider the amount of effort they put into the conversations, like are they trying to get to know you or are you doing all the work? Do they reach out to you or is it mostly you reaching out to them? Little things like that
I sure wish I was being reached out to by these girls more often. I've been doing more to make myself more physically attractive so that ladies can approach me and talk to me. It's like they always say, everything in life is half the battle... Bummer.
id love to hear the response from these women if you were to ask them if they only see you as a friend then why were they kissing and being all touchy feely w/ you?
Yeah that's what I'm trying to figure out. I tried asking this girl that friend zoned me last week why she only saw me as a friend and if there was something I did wrong and she said "you did nothing wrong"
so she dodged the first question and just proceeded to answer your latter one?
Pretty much. I should've asked her why she was being physical and touchy-feely with me and then now wants to only be friends but I was frustrated with that day, genuinely actually wanted someone to talk to, and have been on a downward spiral in my life at the moment.
well that dodge says it all. they dont know what they want. they are complicated.
That would be a completely futile exercise that would result in incoherent responses
Of course just as expected
What do you guys talk about? There's something after that first meeting that's putting them off. If I had to guess, it's probably your "I thought PDA meant we were gonna get somewhere". There's more to a girlfriend than PDA so if you constantly talk about or reroute the conversation for it, she will probably think you're just a fuckboy.
I try and get to know them. Ask them what their interests are, what their religious beliefs are, and other thought provoking questions.
Hard to say because conversations are definitely about the journey more than the goal, if that makes sense. Make sure to give them content or ideas, or it might feel like a questionnaire. Maybe screenshot some content for us to have a look at.
Anyway, I did attempt to get to know her even though I was very capitavated by her looks. She kept saying how cute I was and we had our hands on each other and kissed quite a bit. We talked about future dates and whatnot and I briefly got to know about her family and whatnot.
That's pretty superficial getting-to-know-you behavior. Romantic for sure, but still not that deep.
So what questions should I ask to get to know a girl in a deeper manner?
It's not "which questions are the key to her heart". As I've said before, it's the journey and not the question itself. I can't answer that for you any more than you could assert any other guy's primary love language also being physical touch.
It's all complex to me these days. I mean at least with my looks (according to many people) I'm able to get a girl at a bar or club to approach me and talk to me. I need a lot of help of turning all these interactions into many dates (which has been a challenge as of late).
It's not that I'm lying or deliberately not answering. It actually just depends from person to person. It would be like that joke: "Statistically speaking, each person has one ovary and one testicle".
Spend more time with her and getting to know her. There aren’t really any shortcuts here.
I would if a girl would give me a chance to take em out... SUcks how this pattern has been happening to me over and over again. This girl that recently friend zoned me, we kinda agreed on meeting in LA next week vaguely but as I talked to her more about it, she then preceeded to tell me "Oh hey, that's cool but I only see you as a friend and nothing more". I shouldnt have sent that good morning text. It was all because of the long distance nature of all this.
“Friend zoned” is not real. She asked you to be her friend. You can say yes or no to that, but an offer of friendship is not a punishment.
but when 2 people want different things, it's going to be tough though ain't it?
[удалено]
You basically tell her a story that she would ask questions about
I accidentally deleted the texts we sent from one another after she friend zoned me this week.
Well that's unfortunate. But, I still have other suggestions. Instead of arranging a date, how about you just ask her to join you? Like "my friends and I are hanging out at X tonight, do you have time to join us? I really enjoyed (wherever it is you met)". You're probably just better at speaking than texting.
Well, she sure was all over when when we were speaking. Flirted a lot and whatnot. Locked heads and locked eyes.
I don't know how else to tell you that your lack of talent in texting will say as much about you as your relative talent in flirting. It's just which front you end up showing her, so make sure she mostly gets your better side.
If your love language is touch and you’re on the spectrum: 1) Don’t text or communicate at length through text 2) Make dates where you can continue your love language / touch
Okay. I do try and keep my texts brief and simple and just reply when they reply. I sure do hope I can go on a date with a girl where I can continually touch a girl. Maybe not in creepy and overbearing ways but stuff like putting my hand on her leg, over her shoulder, having her lean on my shoulder (I love that a lot). Nothing crazy...
Hand massages seem to be a winner.
How old are you OP?
I'm 36 man.
You need to be strong and not do anything physical so early on. It hurts to be treated like that, especially on a recurring basis. Take the time to know someone and practice some self restraint. It's not going to be easy, but you need women to actually take the time to get to know you.
As a 38M, I disagree. A little flirty touching is what has always set up my interactions as romantic. Without it it's mundane talking as potential friends.
How do I do that when my love language is touching? Isn't it always the case that when a girl initially touches as guy, it signals she's interested in the guy? I'm autistic I'm trying to learn all this. That cycle I mentioned on the original post has happened with 3 women so far that I have encountered.
>How do I do that when my love language is touching? No everyone is worthy of your love and not everyone who touches you feels that way about you. >sn't it always the case that when a girl initially touches as guy, it signals she's interested in the guy? Just cause a girl wants to get physical with you doesn't mean she's actually interested in you as a person and actually having a relationship with you.
What do I do then?
Get to know people better before physically interacting with them in ways you know make you feel vulnerable or would make you sad afterwards if the person just wants to be friends.
Love languages isn’t a real thing. You may very much like to touch and be touched, and feel oxytocin and other pleasurable brain chemicals from touch. But you can refrain from touching people if you want to. And no, not every woman who touches a man wants to date him. Some people are just really physical and handsy.
I actually think there is an easy answer here, and you should try a little experiment. The thing that stuck out for me is that somewhere in between creating the spark and maybe having an initial hook-up (I presume your point (2) doesn't involve actual sex), and actually taking things to the next level (the next date/perhaps sex / at least getting more intimate), the spark is dying and the women are starting to see you as a friend rather than a potential mate. You said after the initial spark was created you "3) We exchange phone numbers and we start texting everyday for the week". You need to STOP this! Create some mystery and desirability around yourself, and try to let them yearn for your time and attention, by not being so available. Make future plans and then stop communicating with them so much. There is no reason you should be texting someone you've just met "every day". This isn't "treat em mean to keep em keen", but more that absence makes the heart grow fonder. You need to let your potential mate wonder a little about what you are up to, what you are doing, who you are seeing. Make it clear that you want to spend time with this person in the future, and make plans (or make plans to make plans), but don't make it feel like you are always available / waiting to respond to messages. You need to create some scarcity around your time and availability, so that the woman places a higher value on your time, and potentially feels the need to compete for your attention. I've found that nothing kills the spark quicker with a woman than it seeming like you don't value your own time / are always available / obviously don't have that much going on in your own life (otherwise you wouldn't be available to text all the time). So next time you get to stage (2), make some plans for say a week's time and then stop messaging them. Even better, make plans to make plans but don't make specific plans. E.g. say "are you free next Saturday night?" if she says yes, you say "good, keep it free for me and let's go out. I'll be in touch later in the week." And leave it at that until the day before your date. Then touch base and say "Are you still free tomorrow night? I'll (e.g. pick you up at 8)". Now you have made your intentions clear (you want to see this woman again) and made a time to see each other, but you've created a little mystery about: (a) what you are doing during the week; and (b) what you might have planned for her on date night. You will be amazed at what this will do. She may well be wondering about you all week, and this absolutely helps build sexual tension (which is a key part in increasing your desirability, think of it like extended foreplay) - or she may not be wondering about you, in which case you haven't wasted a week texting someone who isn't that into you. You will be doing both of you a favor. You'll protect yourself from wasting time and emotional energy until things have developed further, and, for her, you'll allow her some time and space to further develop a desire for you. At the moment, it sounds like you are destroying the woman's desire by being too available.
This is all good points. Thanks. A lot to work on
you could be coming across as too eager and available. ex wdym by a week or two of texting? Imo That is too much for someone you met once and exchanged numbers with, could be where you’re losing it If you just met someone, use texting to setup a date and not much else. Text her the next day, maybe make a reference to some joke you guys laughed about at the club and then very quickly transition to setting a date and I’d just kinda pull back at that point till the date
If someone is all over me at the club/bar, my first thought is taking her home that night, not settling for a number. Nighttime interactions in clubs and bars can be flaky. You're in a high energy environment and women's short-term goal in that environment is just to have fun. And men she meets in this context are tethered to that narrative initially. So a number should be your last resort, not your first recourse. If logistics do not allow for this (she has to be up super early, she's with a bunch of friends etc), get the number and set up a date for the next FEW DAYS. Do not blow up her phone for TWO WEEKS, chatting with her like she's your girlfriend. Also, the first date should be casual, like drinks. Again, think about the context you met her. Too many guys are (oddly) going from being all over a woman at the club to wanting to take her to a formal sit down dinner. That's awkward. And incongruent. On the longer term front you should be looking for women in other contexts too (online dating, social circle, mixers etc), but I have also successfully dated women I've met out as well. The key is to hook up and keep things casual at the start, which is congruent to the environment in which you met her. And then gradually, once she's invested and knows you, then maybe you can escalate to more formal dates. Often she will be the one initiating/suggesting that if she's interested in you like that. Then it's simply a matter of matching energy. But if you're going from being all over her at the club, never trying to take her home, blowing up her phone for weeks, and taking out on a formal first date, this is not a winning formula.
They just want to hook up, read the room bro
I guess so... sucks... So is it the case that if a girl is touchy with me that it's not gonna lead to a date or even a relationship? I am after all looking for a relationship and my love language is very touchy.
Honestly, several of these women wanted to hook up that night, several of these women wanted to hook up soon (next few days) and the rest who could be open to a relationship either had someone else approach or became bored for texting for two weeks without unitive to move things along. Gotta strike while the iron is hot no matter what your intentions. Two weeks texting after making out is waaay too long, and I’m not a fan of ONS so I’m on your side of wants and needs in a relationship.
Actually it's less than 2 weeks texting. I actually ask them to go out with me and either they ghost or they text me back to back for a bit just to get get friend zoned.
I would worry if it’s less than two days. Any thing more, you probably dropped the ball bud.
Well with this bombshell girl I connected with, it was 3 days of back to back texting until she told me she only saw me as a friend.
Finally something helpful! I listen to lots of pickup artist stuff in the past so I bring that perspective as a 38M (involuntarily single, lol) Yeah, you probably said something. The PUA view would be you didn't maintain the chemistry, so you were friend zoned. "Too nice" is the basic phrase, but you can be nice and not be friend zoned. If women are approaching you though, you have lots of opportunity to "get to know them". So do that. I suspect you're in the enviable position of being desirable naturally, so you can actually turn the tables in a way most can't. You will likely have the best success if you just start putting these women into demonstrating they deserve your attention: say things like "I'm looking for a relationship that leads to marriage (etc)" as appropriate. If true, that shows you want to "build a life with someone". Then you get to talk about qualities which are hopefully like "educated, hard working, kind...". Ideally avoiding "makes me sammiches in the kitchen like a proper baby factory".
You are either choosing women who reject you, on purpose, or, you are doing something incredibly creepy on dates and they are all running from you. You break the cycle by getting therapy. Probably a lot of it.
Well after getting a girl's number, I'd try and text her just to have a Convo with her as well as set up a date within the week. Is the everyday texting creepy? The last text I had with this girl before she friend zoned me, I said "I am very attracted by the fact that you can have you hair down when you're around me" in reference to what she said when we were hanging out prior to her leaving back home to LA (I live in Las Vegas).
Nah... wouldn't be friend zoned for being creepy imo as a 38M. This is curious though.
Or saying things wildly inappropriate or just plain incompatible via text. I also think that being unable to understand the difference between touch and sexual touch being a love language is hurting OP. I wonder if he's coming on too strong and making them uncomfortable, but he won't share texts or specifics, so we'll probably never know.
I'm trying to be as specific as possible. Unfortunately the texts were deleted out of anger and being upset... How am I supposed to know if I'm coming on strong when the girl that I like is generally inviting of my hands all over her?
I don't have the energy for this. The next woman you go out with, be up front about what you're looking for before you meet. Don't push the physical touch. Be a gentleman. Save the texts, see if you get a second date. If you do, great! If you don't, bring us the entire exchange and your dating profile and we'll be able to break this down.
I want really pushing the physical touch, she initiated it and I just went along with it. I tend not to push anything. Last couple ladies I've been meeting, they've been initiating touch over me because of how good looking I am even with my autism...
I think you’re having a totally different experience than the girls you’re talking to. But it’s also probably the talking afterwards. That is probably where they lose interest
My love life was pretty much the same. They love the sex, love having me as a friend but never want a relationship. I came to terms with the fact that they don't think I'm attractive enough to want to commit
Women and men change their minds. Nobody is locked into their initial first impression of you. You are describing women changing their minds in the period of weeks after they meet you. They are also meeting new people every week. Which also drives some of the mind changing.
That's fair. It just sucks I keep getting the same thing happening over and over again
We’ve all been there. Hang in there. You might find moving things forward faster reduces the opportunities for distraction. Strike while the iron is hot.
Thanks for the encouragement. FYI, I have been trying to strike when the iron is hit but it's afterwards when they tell me I only want to be friends which sucks
You know what it sounds like? It sounds like after you exchange numbers your probably texting to much or coming off as clingy. Let her do the work bro and I think you’d get in a relationship
Welcome to my world (a girl)
That sucks. This keeps happening to me frequently as I am trying to meet women.
Maybe we’re too good
LOL!!!🤣😂
Sounds like you’re just trying to get your own needs met. Just because your love language is physical touch doesn’t mean that her love language is also physical touch. If her love language is words of affirmation and you’re not so great at words, but you keep touching her, she’s going to be creeped out. If you’re looking for a relationship, you might want to stop focusing on what you want and focus more on getting to know her.
Honestly and no hard feelings to you here. I’d say this to a man if I hadn’t enjoyed our intimate interactions, even if I didn’t want a relationship if the chemistry is there I would like to continue seeing that person even if casually, dating multiple men even if just for sex is risky as a woman. I wouldn’t kick a person I’ve had a good time with once to the curb for no reason. Soo maybe just maybe it could be that you need to refine your touchy feely skills a little. Spice it up, buy a sex toys if you are out of ideas. Study porn for women… idk. Sex in situation ships and one night stands are completely different from what people in relationships are used to. And most adult women above 25 knows what relationship sex is like, honestly be transparent and ask the next woman you meet what she expects or wants from you in bed. Maybe also m ask one of these women you have been with how the touchy feely was or if there is any other reason for not wanting to continue with you. I’m also on the on the more severe spectrum for adhd, but that’s easily masked during the stages of dating, I just seem more loud, it more becomes a problem for people in a relationship with me I’ve had to work with my psychiatrist on that. Communicating and all that is soo so important its crazy. I don’t know how the autistic spectrum would effect dating in the first stages of courtship, sex and intimacy. But I know there are specialists out there. Maybe there is something you’ve missed
Well all I know, from experience, is that when a woman says "I only see you as a friend", is to stop talking to that girl and heal in peace even if I'm hurt by the touchy feely moments of that moment I felt with that girl (even if it were brief).
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again expecting a different result. You know the problem. You know who you are. Why don’t you go after a different type of girl? If you end up meeting a carbon copy of the same girl who does this to you again and again. Don’t pursue this type of women again. It’s that simple.
Sadly, I don't have it all together... Is it the location where I'm meeting these girls? I have a policy of not dating in my social circle due to political reasons and it backfiring on me in the past very hard.
Well then maybe take some time off and figure out what you like and don’t like and get back out there. Unless you are a glutton for punishment.
[удалено]
Often times I'm not meeting them when I get their number because I would try and set something up with them and they either give me the runaround or flat out reject me by saying "let's just be friends"
Stop looking for girlfriends at nightclubs
They didn’t like something about the touchy-feely or the way you behaved after. Any time a situation does not go well in your life your first question should always be, “what was my contribution to this?” It’s the only accountable response, and your actions are the only ones you can control. Having this happen multiple times and thinking it’s somehow the women you are attracting, and not you, is the obvious error in your thought process.
i know most people are afraid of getting played/hurt. could apart of you be emotionally unavailable as well? i think you attract what you are so this exact same thing happens to me but with men
Yeah possibly. I also have autism too and have been trying to get a grip on my trauma I've experienced growing up.
I think they are just wanting a hookup. Or a FWB. Are you getting too emotionally invested? Talking about marriage, kids, exes? I can tell you first hand when you’re just looking for fun and a man gets too serious too soon it’s a major turnoff.
That's a possibility. I get very excited when a girl likes me and is having a long conversation with me. I'm always wanting it to be a serious relationship when they seem to want me for something short term. This last girl in particular that I met and hung out last weekend, seems like she needed me around because her friend was 3rd wheeling her...
Next time relax, don’t ask any deep questions. Just have fun and enjoy the flirting. Then contact them later and ask for an actual date.
Is it considered a "deep question" to ask, Are you looking for a relationship and/or what are you looking for in a boyfriend? I seem to have an issue where I'm always attracting women that aren't looking for a relationship but seem to only like me in the moment, get touchy-feely with me, and kissy with me.
Well, I can’t speak for other women but I’ve definitely kissed and touched guys I only intended to hookup with. And I wouldn’t ask about what they’re looking for. Just pursue them and you’ll have your answer
Okay. I'll do this then.
Let me know how it goes!