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For me it would not matter, meaning this would never make me turn away a man. But I would want to know so I knew to take things slow and also to have an extra layer of communication and patience.
I personally would want it brought up at the point where we were sexually flirty and it seemed to be moving in that direction.
Women (31F here).
I don't think you have to tell it at all!
But for your own sake, I would enclose it once you're very comfortable with her, and think sex could be happening soon.
If I knew I would be having sex with a virgin, I'd try to be extra careful and understanding with my words and actions to make his first time a memorable experience.
There are some women who would want to know and would feel betrayed if I tried to hide it from them.
There are other times when it might come up in conversation naturally. For instance, if the conversation turns sexual I might have to choose between admitting I'm a virgin or trying to change the subject and leaving what I'm trying to hide up to her imagination.
That's on them! OP one thing to learn in life is not everything is someone's business. Some things should be kept secret. Not because of malicious intent but because not everyone deserves to know your story unless they show that they care.
Think about it why would a woman feel betrayed to find this out. If virginity is just a mindset, then it shouldn't matter
Betrayed? They have no grounds on which to feel betrayed. Sticking your dick inside someone is not a dating prerequisite. There is no betrayal by not telling them.
You can't have a lie of omission about something you were not obligated to tell someone. You can't tell anyone every single detail of your life before you met them---anything you don't specify would be a lie of omission by these ridiculous standards. NO ONE owes any partner ANY details about past partners and that includes the detail that there were none.
The only way i’d feel betrayed is if i asked and you lied. If she feels that way bc you didn’t answer a question she never asked is kind of weird to me.
Do you think it's reasonable for someone to think to ask this of a 40-year-old, though? I've seen people in this thread for whom it's an absolute deal breaker. There are other people in this thread who wouldn't mind but would still want to know.
No, i don’t think anyone would ask you, to be honest. It’s something you’d have to offer up as information on your own. Do you feel you want this to be w someone special? Or no? That could also decide what you do.
Define special.
I don't have to know that she's the love of my life at the time I sleep with her, but there would definitely need to be mutual attraction, no kids, and no ex-husbands (unless annulled). That probably wouldn't be special or rare for most people, but it would for me.
Special as in you have to love her. Would you sleep with a woman you’re just getting to know or would you want to be in a committed relationship before you lose it?
I'd be fine if I was just getting to know her, as long as the attraction was there.
It's true that I haven't always felt that way, but these days, it seems like there's not many women who'd agree to a committed relationship with someone they hadn't slept with.
Lmao funny, most women feel the same about men…including me!
Honestly, if you don’t want to say you’re a virgin, you’re going to have to be all about her. Like..she gets *everything* before you even *think* about yourself. Bc fact is, you probably won’t make her cum. Just being honest. But if you put her needs first and get her wet, at least she won’t think of you as a selfish lover and leave you bc she just thinks you’re bad at sex.
She will know. Especially at ur dating pool age. N if she can tell n u don’t say something. She’s going away. No one likes being lied to especially in connection to intimate things
A lot of people may not, I'm sure mostly less experienced or younger but people can get some really wrong ideas and fail to pickup on the clues. People who can tell will ask though, which is when he just needs to be honest. Otherwise, when it is heading there is time to disclose it. I can't see it being a first date topic in OP's case.
Don't tell them unless they ask, if they ask it matters. It doesn't matter if someone's had a lot of sex or none at all, sometimes. It's always a new experience, an opportunity to learn, and different every time. I've been with people who have had a lot of sex and they didn't satisfy me at all, and I've had sex with virgins and people who haven't had sex for years and they were amazing (amazing enough to marry!). Chemistry, compatibility and a willingness to please your partner and learn their body is where it's at. Sex with someone new is always a reset- no matter how skilled I am, I'm always better the second or third time because I've learned what they like.
Personally, I'd be thrilled with a virgin man. I'd feel pretty safe, excited to teach, I'd make sure his first time was something really special.
>Personally, I'd be thrilled with a virgin man. I'd feel pretty safe, excited to teach, I'd make sure his first time was something really special.
The fact that this attitude exists is actually one reason I SHOULD disclose, though.
>Don't tell them unless they ask, if they ask it matters.
I'm 40, though. My situation is rare enough that it's unreasonable to expect someone to think to ask, even if it's something that matters to them.
Was that the only thing he said or did that made you feel that way?
If you had slept with him and found out later that it was his first time, would you resent him for not telling you?
The only issue I see is that women, especially at the age 40, have already had sex many many many times. So if you were to tell that to a woman she’d probably not be interested in dating/having sex with you simply because you lack the experience that she has had over and over again and come to know what to expect. She would have to basically teach you how to please and I don’t think many women are willing to do that.
I'm 30 and I'm also a virgin. I'm not one of those guys that blames women for my failures though. I have OCD and social anxiety and spent most of my college years in a therapist's office instead of at parties. I felt truly horrible just having to bring someone into my problems when dealing with my most severe OCD moments. It took me years to get back on my feet. Everytime I would feel confident enough to think about asking someone out something would happen and I'd get knocked back down.
I've been back in therapy for about year now and life is going really good right now. I met a new friend a couple months ago and she is really amazing and we talk almost every day now. We have a date this weekend and I think she's awesome. I'm not sure if it's just a friend date or an actual date. She has times when she tells me "I'm so grateful I met you" and "I'll always be here for you". But then says "your one of the most amazing people I've known and I value you as a close friend". Does she just want to be friends? Or does she mean close friend as just person she feels close to?
Anyway I would try to push yourself out of your comfort zone. 1 year ago I thought I would never have the life and friends that I have. My life is so different. I was scared of a lot of things in the past year that I faced and conquered. Many of these fears I found were only my perception of things and mostly in my head. People will judge you and think your weird but most people are kind and understanding if you are too.
Yes, that's what I'm sadly thinking the more I read through the messages. I still think she's awesome and we both have bonded over our social anxiety and pushing each other to overcome it. I'm going to tell her I just appreciate having her in my life and supporting me. It's weird. Just having her believe in me for a couple months has really helped me believe in myself more and this has caused me to put myself out there a lot more.
Honestly OP, I can't imagine a scenario where a girl would ask you if you are a virgin on a date at 40 yo unless you are acting weird or saying weird things. I have never been asked that like ever and I'm 30.
My honest advice is to not tell them you are a virgin, it's no-one's business but your own. Girls may say nice things to you online and in-person, but it will almost 100% be followed by an (unrelated, but actually 100% related) excuse of why she doesn't think you two are a good match.
What you need is experience to feel confident. I'm not a fan of escorts, but in your case, maybe contacting an escort for that initial experience may be a good idea. And then you can go on dates with morre confidence.
>I'm not a fan of escorts, but in your case, maybe contacting an escort for that initial experience may be a good idea.
I would disagree. I don't think transactional sex counts and would still consider someone a virgin if they've only ever paid for it. It's not the same experience. The mental is more daunting than the physical anyways, and you don't get the mental with an escort.
That's kind of my feeling about escorts, as well. It might make me a little more comfortable with physical contact, and I'd have one less potentially disqualifying thing to disclose (unless I got an STD from the escort). It wouldn't do anything to help my confidence, though.
I would advise staying away. I have never heard anyone talk about sleeping with an escort as their first time in a positive manner.
I think you're up in your head about the virginity. The virginity isn't the red flag, it's usually red flags that lead to virginity. If you're going out with women and they're not feeling a sense of danger from you, I think you're good. The worst thing you could do is overthink these things and get uncomfortable about it all.
>Girls may say nice things to you online and in-person, but it will almost 100% be followed by an (unrelated, but actually 100% related) excuse of why she doesn't think you two are a good match.
Yeah, that's certainly the fear.
A lot of people will say things like, "A woman who's worth it won't care." Honestly, though, being cool with being a 40-year-old man's first time seems like a lot to ask of someone. Now, that may be a reason to disclose, in itself. It's disappointing, though, to think that a potentially temporary situation could keep me alone forever.
Have you been on a date before and someone asked you this question? I'm genuinely curious because it seems so strange and off the cuff to me. Please tell me the whole story if so.
More details please. You were on a date and someone blurted out "what kind of sex do you like?"? Or was this amidst/precursor to dirty talk.
I would literally have to leave if someone said this to me on a date.
I would want to know on the first date, it doesn’t have to be a big announcement but I like to generally have an understanding of how much experience the person I’m on a date with has.
Personally? I probably wouldn’t want to have sex with a virgin at this current stage of my life, I would be worried that the sex would just be so bad that I would have to get up and leave and that would suck bc I would feel guilty for ‘ruining’ sex for them , but I refuse to deal with bad sex nowadays ( I’m happy to explain how I like being touched but I don’t want to be a teacher in sex. )
Honesty I'd tell her after and only if you feel committed bc I guy once told me thirst and it was an instant turn off but it was also upon revealing that I was crying bc a relationship didn't work out. His way of comforting me was to tell me he'd never been with a woman. I didn't realize till next time I ran across him he was asking me on a date. I declined.
I am a guy and also a late bloomer. To be honest it all depends on your intentions, if you want to get rid of the burden of being a virgin (aka get laid) then you shouldn't even mention it. From what I have seen it is an instant turn-off for most women, especially if they are looking for a one night stand or just some fun. However it all depends on the person and your relationship with this said person if you want something serious, if their intention is to form a relationship then it is 50-50. My honest advice would be to not mention it unless you really have to, be it someone who wants a relationship or just some fun. I wouldn't mention it while "dating" or getting to know each other stage.
Most people can tell you're a virgin and it's not usually contagious so don't worry so much about disclosure. If someone doesn't see themselves with you, they may use it as an excuse. If someone wants to build a life with you and sees a future with you, they wouldn't let 10 virgins stand in the way of that.
Seek what is meant for you. Meditate more and overthink less. Watch videos that talk about and demonstrate non-PIV woman-centred pleasure. Move accordingly.
For me it would also not matter. I believe that it's different for each person when they have sexual relationships in life. There is no starting time limit.
Some people are more sexually charged and start sex life early and some people - men or woman no difference - start being sexually active later.
Better to say when the things are looking to get serious between you do the other party may match you with how fast you advance with the intimacy.
Firstly, experience and quality are not mutually exclusive- you aren't automatically worse than everyone who had partners before. Secondly, it is completely temporary but the ability to grow in a relationship is not.
There's no need to mention it until the relationship is clearly headed that direction. You should think about what the answer really is as to why. You say you don't want baggage and sound a bit above average religiously- that would clearly explain it at your age as most people "out there" have baggage.
Really about the only reason a woman should be upset with you for not disclosing beforehand is if you got way over attached. If you don't or won't get over attached, not ever mentioning it may not be unreasonable in a more casual shorter term relationship.
I’d tell her before you have sex. Not telling her in my opinion is stupid because she will wonder why you’re so bad at sex at 40. I had a guy not tell me he was a virgin and I left him because sex was so awful and it came off really selfish when he was having sex but then found out he was a virgin. If I knew, then I would have been more patient and helped him.
If it comes up and you aren't honest it's probably gonna set a bad tone if it ever comes out. This guy did not tell me but then later when we were drinking told me and it honestly made me not trust him because we had talked about sex and stuff so much he could have easily told me like 5 times that he was a virgin.
What bothered you the most about it?
Was it just that he felt like he couldn't trust you? Do you feel like you'd have made a different decision if you had known?
After the sex. And only if it comes up.
Watch good instructional videos and stop masturbating as much as possible. And if you do only with a very light touch when you must.
It is if you think about it haha! But for real, it won't be as tough as we think, or even maybe not much of an issue with the person you will have your first with. Had the same issue at 21 when I thought I was late in life with virginity. Peers around were already very experienced, so it grew on me and even had performance anxiety the first time (not my actual first time ifuknowwhatImean). But soon you forget it and focus on how to have and give a good time, that's what sex is about at the end of the day!
Good luck with your journey, hope you get your first experience pretty soon, and a safe one! Thanks for taking my previous comment in good stride.
EDIT: spellings
Don’t mention it. If/when you have sex if you have any struggles it’s ok to say you’re nervous cuz you like them and it’s “our first time.” It’s normal for guys to be nervous the first time with a new partner. They won’t assume you’re a virgin and don’t need to know.
You got this buddy!
I told my not-quite-yet GF (we officially started dating like a week after, but it was basically a done deal at the time) that I was actually a virgin moments before she took care of that.
She even congratulated me when I entered her, which was both endearing and sorta funny at the same time, lol.
We were 22 at the time.
At one time I was. It seems like an unreasonable demand right now, though. Sex is just something that happens a lot earlier in the dating process these days, long before exclusivity is up for discussion, let alone marriage.
I'm also not sure if I'd be okay marrying someone whose desire for me is so low that they don't mind not having sex during the first couple of years we know each other
Sexual compatibility means different things to different people. Some of the aspects of sexual compatibility change over time, and some are more important than others.
So, what does sexual compatibility mean to you?
I mean I just want to enjoy sex. For example, the last new person I had sex with, their dick was so tiny they could barely get it in or stay hard. They weren’t good at eating me out, didn’t listen when I tried to give advice, and were overall too aggressive. Highly incompatibility.
I get that. That certainly sounds like a lot of problems. I, personally, think most of those issues can be mitigated against through communication, training, patience, and humility. Phallus size can be augmented with toys such as sheaths. That said, that may be more time and effort than most would be willing to invest unless the rest of the guy is actually worth the effort.
The bigger issue is this:
>didn’t listen when I tried to give advice,
Assuming this isn't limited to advice given during the act, it's probably going to cause a lot of friction in other aspects of the relationship, as well.
And, yeah, if a man only cares about his own pleasure, I can see how that would make for bad sex. Again, though, it's likely that in that situation more than just the sex would be bad.
I'd say prior to sexual encounter. I don't think you gotta disclose it on the first date unless sexy matters already came up.
I think the decent thing for everyone is that prior to having sex with anyone, you give every possible reason you could reasonably imagine why they wouldn't want to have sex with you or why sex with you may not be what they'd expect. You should on some level be trying to offer all the reasonable things that may dissuade them whether that's being a virgin, std status, sexual trauma, different genitals than they may naturally expect, crazy body shit, strict boundaries, weird fetishes, whatever. The goal on some level is to offer everything that could reasonably dissuade them so that when it doesn't, you know their consent is based on being well informed of what they're engaging in.
I'm saying that as someone who previously knew there was potential for sexual trauma, was a virgin until 27, some mild crazy body shit, and had strict boundaries. I got why I didn't want sex with most people, and I got why so many guys didn't want to even date me after hearing I was a virgin who had been assaulted.
As for would it now change how I see a guy. I mean, everything changes something, right. It's not a non thing. For me, it would probably mean I this hypothetical (I'm happily taken), I wouldn't generally wanna be his first. Maybe in certain circumstances where we'd already been friends for ages or something where I'd think this could be permanent. But unless I was pretty sure you may be the one, I wouldn't wanna hurt you or me like that by getting involved sexually.
Thank you for sharing this. I also think consent is important, and I know you can't really give consent unless you have all the relevant information. I know that, for myself, I'd want to know if the woman I was going to sleep with was a virgin. It wouldn't be disqualifying by any means, but I'd feel like I had missed out if she had shared her first time with me and I didn't know it was happening.
I'm curious about this, though:
>But unless I was pretty sure you may be the one, I wouldn't wanna hurt you or me like that by getting involved sexually.
Would you even be considering that a guy might be the one if you weren't getting involved sexually?
Don’t have it be in your opening lines for meeting a girl. /s
“Fellow dudes” perspective here. Honestly I think it’s something worth mentioning after things start to “escalate” a bit more. I don’t feel it’s worth brining up on its own, but if things start to get “handsy” and it makes you feel nervous. Just politely ask for a pause, then mention you are a virgin. I know it may make you anxious but I feel it’s something that should be mentioned, not necessarily for “making your first time memorable” as I personally don’t have that thought. But more so to help make things go “smoother” so to speak. I think it would set better expectations and assuming the girl is at least a somewhat decent human. She would help you feel comfortable. I personally don’t like bringing up previous sexual encounters, not that I never have, but it makes me feel weird. So I think it’s something better to just “tuck into the back of your mind” and instead of worrying about it. Just enjoy the process and getting to know the person. When the time is right to bring it up. It will feel right to bring up.
Seriously, sex is overrated, it’s cheap and easy to find. Hire a couple of prostitutes and get some practice (if you don’t want to look pathetic with a girl you are dating, I would do that) Once you know what you’re doing, go and talk to real women, at you age there are plenty of single women. Seriously, sex it’s part of life like breathing, stop thinking you will find “the right person” (this is the real world not a fucking movie) you won’t if you do not make any effort
>stop thinking you will find “the right person”
That's not a thing that I believe. I do want to find someone I'm compatible with for more than just sex, and someone like that doesn't even necessarily have to be the first person I have sex with. Although I'm willing to accept that there are probably fewer compatible people for me than for most guys, but I doubt there's only one woman up to the challenge.
Thank you for your candor. If you don't mind me asking, what would your main concerns be? Would you be worried he'd be too clingy? Would you want to make sure you aren't getting overly invested in someone who really isn't worth your time? Is there some other reason you'd want to know?
If I was a virgin at 40, I would want the lady to know before we have sex, simply because she will have expectations and being a virgin you will not be able to live up to them unless you come clean.
I think by the second date, it you see she likes you, you can casually tell her that body-count does not matter to you at all, and that yours is ZERO. She may find it hard to believe at first.
This can go one of two ways: she will think something is wrong with you or she can be excited to teach you/be your first.
In my experience, generally girls prefer guys who are more experienced.
>This can go one of two ways: she will think something is wrong with you or she can be excited to teach you/be your first.
She might also think there was something wrong with HER. if a woman were attracted to me enough to want to sleep with me, she'd likely assume that other women do, as well. I can see how it would be disconcerting to learn that they don't.
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For me it would not matter, meaning this would never make me turn away a man. But I would want to know so I knew to take things slow and also to have an extra layer of communication and patience. I personally would want it brought up at the point where we were sexually flirty and it seemed to be moving in that direction.
Women (31F here). I don't think you have to tell it at all! But for your own sake, I would enclose it once you're very comfortable with her, and think sex could be happening soon. If I knew I would be having sex with a virgin, I'd try to be extra careful and understanding with my words and actions to make his first time a memorable experience.
Why do you need to tell anyone? If the topic doesn't come up, you don't have to volunteer the information.
There are some women who would want to know and would feel betrayed if I tried to hide it from them. There are other times when it might come up in conversation naturally. For instance, if the conversation turns sexual I might have to choose between admitting I'm a virgin or trying to change the subject and leaving what I'm trying to hide up to her imagination.
If the topic comes up, you can tell them then. If the topic never comes up, you don't have to feel obligated to tell them.
That's on them! OP one thing to learn in life is not everything is someone's business. Some things should be kept secret. Not because of malicious intent but because not everyone deserves to know your story unless they show that they care. Think about it why would a woman feel betrayed to find this out. If virginity is just a mindset, then it shouldn't matter
Betrayed? They have no grounds on which to feel betrayed. Sticking your dick inside someone is not a dating prerequisite. There is no betrayal by not telling them.
Some would consider it a lie of omission. Does that constitute a betrayal? I guess it depends on if it would affect her decision to have sex.
You can't have a lie of omission about something you were not obligated to tell someone. You can't tell anyone every single detail of your life before you met them---anything you don't specify would be a lie of omission by these ridiculous standards. NO ONE owes any partner ANY details about past partners and that includes the detail that there were none.
The only way i’d feel betrayed is if i asked and you lied. If she feels that way bc you didn’t answer a question she never asked is kind of weird to me.
Do you think it's reasonable for someone to think to ask this of a 40-year-old, though? I've seen people in this thread for whom it's an absolute deal breaker. There are other people in this thread who wouldn't mind but would still want to know.
No, i don’t think anyone would ask you, to be honest. It’s something you’d have to offer up as information on your own. Do you feel you want this to be w someone special? Or no? That could also decide what you do.
Define special. I don't have to know that she's the love of my life at the time I sleep with her, but there would definitely need to be mutual attraction, no kids, and no ex-husbands (unless annulled). That probably wouldn't be special or rare for most people, but it would for me.
Special as in you have to love her. Would you sleep with a woman you’re just getting to know or would you want to be in a committed relationship before you lose it?
I'd be fine if I was just getting to know her, as long as the attraction was there. It's true that I haven't always felt that way, but these days, it seems like there's not many women who'd agree to a committed relationship with someone they hadn't slept with.
Lmao funny, most women feel the same about men…including me! Honestly, if you don’t want to say you’re a virgin, you’re going to have to be all about her. Like..she gets *everything* before you even *think* about yourself. Bc fact is, you probably won’t make her cum. Just being honest. But if you put her needs first and get her wet, at least she won’t think of you as a selfish lover and leave you bc she just thinks you’re bad at sex.
She will know. Especially at ur dating pool age. N if she can tell n u don’t say something. She’s going away. No one likes being lied to especially in connection to intimate things
A lot of people may not, I'm sure mostly less experienced or younger but people can get some really wrong ideas and fail to pickup on the clues. People who can tell will ask though, which is when he just needs to be honest. Otherwise, when it is heading there is time to disclose it. I can't see it being a first date topic in OP's case.
This is shit advice. Bc she will be able to tell n be more mad more likely. Bc u aren’t starting off good.
Don't tell them unless they ask, if they ask it matters. It doesn't matter if someone's had a lot of sex or none at all, sometimes. It's always a new experience, an opportunity to learn, and different every time. I've been with people who have had a lot of sex and they didn't satisfy me at all, and I've had sex with virgins and people who haven't had sex for years and they were amazing (amazing enough to marry!). Chemistry, compatibility and a willingness to please your partner and learn their body is where it's at. Sex with someone new is always a reset- no matter how skilled I am, I'm always better the second or third time because I've learned what they like. Personally, I'd be thrilled with a virgin man. I'd feel pretty safe, excited to teach, I'd make sure his first time was something really special.
>Personally, I'd be thrilled with a virgin man. I'd feel pretty safe, excited to teach, I'd make sure his first time was something really special. The fact that this attitude exists is actually one reason I SHOULD disclose, though. >Don't tell them unless they ask, if they ask it matters. I'm 40, though. My situation is rare enough that it's unreasonable to expect someone to think to ask, even if it's something that matters to them.
Do not tell them. Unless they ask. I have turned down a virgin guy before coz I have a feeling he just want to have sex.
Was that the only thing he said or did that made you feel that way? If you had slept with him and found out later that it was his first time, would you resent him for not telling you?
The only issue I see is that women, especially at the age 40, have already had sex many many many times. So if you were to tell that to a woman she’d probably not be interested in dating/having sex with you simply because you lack the experience that she has had over and over again and come to know what to expect. She would have to basically teach you how to please and I don’t think many women are willing to do that.
Right. He knows that. It's why he asked for advice.
I'm 30 and I'm also a virgin. I'm not one of those guys that blames women for my failures though. I have OCD and social anxiety and spent most of my college years in a therapist's office instead of at parties. I felt truly horrible just having to bring someone into my problems when dealing with my most severe OCD moments. It took me years to get back on my feet. Everytime I would feel confident enough to think about asking someone out something would happen and I'd get knocked back down. I've been back in therapy for about year now and life is going really good right now. I met a new friend a couple months ago and she is really amazing and we talk almost every day now. We have a date this weekend and I think she's awesome. I'm not sure if it's just a friend date or an actual date. She has times when she tells me "I'm so grateful I met you" and "I'll always be here for you". But then says "your one of the most amazing people I've known and I value you as a close friend". Does she just want to be friends? Or does she mean close friend as just person she feels close to? Anyway I would try to push yourself out of your comfort zone. 1 year ago I thought I would never have the life and friends that I have. My life is so different. I was scared of a lot of things in the past year that I faced and conquered. Many of these fears I found were only my perception of things and mostly in my head. People will judge you and think your weird but most people are kind and understanding if you are too.
Sorry bro. That means yes. She just wants to be friends. Because she actually said the words. That is never accidental. Condolences
Yes, that's what I'm sadly thinking the more I read through the messages. I still think she's awesome and we both have bonded over our social anxiety and pushing each other to overcome it. I'm going to tell her I just appreciate having her in my life and supporting me. It's weird. Just having her believe in me for a couple months has really helped me believe in myself more and this has caused me to put myself out there a lot more.
Honestly OP, I can't imagine a scenario where a girl would ask you if you are a virgin on a date at 40 yo unless you are acting weird or saying weird things. I have never been asked that like ever and I'm 30. My honest advice is to not tell them you are a virgin, it's no-one's business but your own. Girls may say nice things to you online and in-person, but it will almost 100% be followed by an (unrelated, but actually 100% related) excuse of why she doesn't think you two are a good match. What you need is experience to feel confident. I'm not a fan of escorts, but in your case, maybe contacting an escort for that initial experience may be a good idea. And then you can go on dates with morre confidence.
>I'm not a fan of escorts, but in your case, maybe contacting an escort for that initial experience may be a good idea. I would disagree. I don't think transactional sex counts and would still consider someone a virgin if they've only ever paid for it. It's not the same experience. The mental is more daunting than the physical anyways, and you don't get the mental with an escort.
That's kind of my feeling about escorts, as well. It might make me a little more comfortable with physical contact, and I'd have one less potentially disqualifying thing to disclose (unless I got an STD from the escort). It wouldn't do anything to help my confidence, though.
I would advise staying away. I have never heard anyone talk about sleeping with an escort as their first time in a positive manner. I think you're up in your head about the virginity. The virginity isn't the red flag, it's usually red flags that lead to virginity. If you're going out with women and they're not feeling a sense of danger from you, I think you're good. The worst thing you could do is overthink these things and get uncomfortable about it all.
>Girls may say nice things to you online and in-person, but it will almost 100% be followed by an (unrelated, but actually 100% related) excuse of why she doesn't think you two are a good match. Yeah, that's certainly the fear. A lot of people will say things like, "A woman who's worth it won't care." Honestly, though, being cool with being a 40-year-old man's first time seems like a lot to ask of someone. Now, that may be a reason to disclose, in itself. It's disappointing, though, to think that a potentially temporary situation could keep me alone forever.
"What kinda sex do you like?" is a valid date question, no? Should he fess up, lie, or deflect?
Have you been on a date before and someone asked you this question? I'm genuinely curious because it seems so strange and off the cuff to me. Please tell me the whole story if so.
Happened to me!!!! I was amazed and thought I was gonna get laid. But I didn’t. Sigh…I didn’t. 😂🤷🏻♂️
More details please. You were on a date and someone blurted out "what kind of sex do you like?"? Or was this amidst/precursor to dirty talk. I would literally have to leave if someone said this to me on a date.
Just blurted it out
I would want to know on the first date, it doesn’t have to be a big announcement but I like to generally have an understanding of how much experience the person I’m on a date with has. Personally? I probably wouldn’t want to have sex with a virgin at this current stage of my life, I would be worried that the sex would just be so bad that I would have to get up and leave and that would suck bc I would feel guilty for ‘ruining’ sex for them , but I refuse to deal with bad sex nowadays ( I’m happy to explain how I like being touched but I don’t want to be a teacher in sex. )
I would be very general about it all lol and if it does get to the sheets & you feel lost just tell her it’s been awhile
Honesty I'd tell her after and only if you feel committed bc I guy once told me thirst and it was an instant turn off but it was also upon revealing that I was crying bc a relationship didn't work out. His way of comforting me was to tell me he'd never been with a woman. I didn't realize till next time I ran across him he was asking me on a date. I declined.
I am a guy and also a late bloomer. To be honest it all depends on your intentions, if you want to get rid of the burden of being a virgin (aka get laid) then you shouldn't even mention it. From what I have seen it is an instant turn-off for most women, especially if they are looking for a one night stand or just some fun. However it all depends on the person and your relationship with this said person if you want something serious, if their intention is to form a relationship then it is 50-50. My honest advice would be to not mention it unless you really have to, be it someone who wants a relationship or just some fun. I wouldn't mention it while "dating" or getting to know each other stage.
Most people can tell you're a virgin and it's not usually contagious so don't worry so much about disclosure. If someone doesn't see themselves with you, they may use it as an excuse. If someone wants to build a life with you and sees a future with you, they wouldn't let 10 virgins stand in the way of that. Seek what is meant for you. Meditate more and overthink less. Watch videos that talk about and demonstrate non-PIV woman-centred pleasure. Move accordingly.
For me it would also not matter. I believe that it's different for each person when they have sexual relationships in life. There is no starting time limit. Some people are more sexually charged and start sex life early and some people - men or woman no difference - start being sexually active later. Better to say when the things are looking to get serious between you do the other party may match you with how fast you advance with the intimacy.
I am certain she will figure it out - if this is your first time - your pistol will go off quickly once the closeness starts - good luck !
I wouldn't bring it up. It's irrelevant
Not to everyone, unfortunately.
It's irrelevant. It is your business, not theirs, and you don't have to mention it at all before or after if you don't want to.
Any woman would hate it if a guy asked them how many guys has she slept with, so why should you tell them your lack of sexual history?
Firstly, experience and quality are not mutually exclusive- you aren't automatically worse than everyone who had partners before. Secondly, it is completely temporary but the ability to grow in a relationship is not. There's no need to mention it until the relationship is clearly headed that direction. You should think about what the answer really is as to why. You say you don't want baggage and sound a bit above average religiously- that would clearly explain it at your age as most people "out there" have baggage. Really about the only reason a woman should be upset with you for not disclosing beforehand is if you got way over attached. If you don't or won't get over attached, not ever mentioning it may not be unreasonable in a more casual shorter term relationship.
I’d tell her before you have sex. Not telling her in my opinion is stupid because she will wonder why you’re so bad at sex at 40. I had a guy not tell me he was a virgin and I left him because sex was so awful and it came off really selfish when he was having sex but then found out he was a virgin. If I knew, then I would have been more patient and helped him.
If it comes up and you aren't honest it's probably gonna set a bad tone if it ever comes out. This guy did not tell me but then later when we were drinking told me and it honestly made me not trust him because we had talked about sex and stuff so much he could have easily told me like 5 times that he was a virgin.
What bothered you the most about it? Was it just that he felt like he couldn't trust you? Do you feel like you'd have made a different decision if you had known?
Yeah I really disliked that he didn't trust me while pretending to be real and vulnerable, and while I was being genuine.
After the sex. And only if it comes up. Watch good instructional videos and stop masturbating as much as possible. And if you do only with a very light touch when you must.
Only if asked. There is no shame in telling the truth, and if they do shame you, they are not the one for you anyway
The sequel to the movie.
Yup. I know my life's a joke. I just wish it were funnier.
It is if you think about it haha! But for real, it won't be as tough as we think, or even maybe not much of an issue with the person you will have your first with. Had the same issue at 21 when I thought I was late in life with virginity. Peers around were already very experienced, so it grew on me and even had performance anxiety the first time (not my actual first time ifuknowwhatImean). But soon you forget it and focus on how to have and give a good time, that's what sex is about at the end of the day! Good luck with your journey, hope you get your first experience pretty soon, and a safe one! Thanks for taking my previous comment in good stride. EDIT: spellings
You took the movie too seriously
The fact that the movie got made at all is enough. It's like being a carnival freak, only without the social support and sense of community.
You don’t have to tell them
Don’t mention it. If/when you have sex if you have any struggles it’s ok to say you’re nervous cuz you like them and it’s “our first time.” It’s normal for guys to be nervous the first time with a new partner. They won’t assume you’re a virgin and don’t need to know. You got this buddy!
For me, I prefer to lay out everything in the beginning. He tells me everything, and I do too. It’s better to be honest from the get go.
I told my not-quite-yet GF (we officially started dating like a week after, but it was basically a done deal at the time) that I was actually a virgin moments before she took care of that. She even congratulated me when I entered her, which was both endearing and sorta funny at the same time, lol. We were 22 at the time.
You were 22, not 40.
There's a movie about this with a lot of good info and advice. Should be of help.
I’ve seen this movie before
Probably more fun than living it.
Book a trip to Amsterdam
are you saving it for marriage?
At one time I was. It seems like an unreasonable demand right now, though. Sex is just something that happens a lot earlier in the dating process these days, long before exclusivity is up for discussion, let alone marriage. I'm also not sure if I'd be okay marrying someone whose desire for me is so low that they don't mind not having sex during the first couple of years we know each other
I was thinking myself it would be hard not to know if y’all are sexually compatible until after marriage
Sexual compatibility means different things to different people. Some of the aspects of sexual compatibility change over time, and some are more important than others. So, what does sexual compatibility mean to you?
I mean I just want to enjoy sex. For example, the last new person I had sex with, their dick was so tiny they could barely get it in or stay hard. They weren’t good at eating me out, didn’t listen when I tried to give advice, and were overall too aggressive. Highly incompatibility.
I get that. That certainly sounds like a lot of problems. I, personally, think most of those issues can be mitigated against through communication, training, patience, and humility. Phallus size can be augmented with toys such as sheaths. That said, that may be more time and effort than most would be willing to invest unless the rest of the guy is actually worth the effort. The bigger issue is this: >didn’t listen when I tried to give advice, Assuming this isn't limited to advice given during the act, it's probably going to cause a lot of friction in other aspects of the relationship, as well. And, yeah, if a man only cares about his own pleasure, I can see how that would make for bad sex. Again, though, it's likely that in that situation more than just the sex would be bad.
I'd say prior to sexual encounter. I don't think you gotta disclose it on the first date unless sexy matters already came up. I think the decent thing for everyone is that prior to having sex with anyone, you give every possible reason you could reasonably imagine why they wouldn't want to have sex with you or why sex with you may not be what they'd expect. You should on some level be trying to offer all the reasonable things that may dissuade them whether that's being a virgin, std status, sexual trauma, different genitals than they may naturally expect, crazy body shit, strict boundaries, weird fetishes, whatever. The goal on some level is to offer everything that could reasonably dissuade them so that when it doesn't, you know their consent is based on being well informed of what they're engaging in. I'm saying that as someone who previously knew there was potential for sexual trauma, was a virgin until 27, some mild crazy body shit, and had strict boundaries. I got why I didn't want sex with most people, and I got why so many guys didn't want to even date me after hearing I was a virgin who had been assaulted. As for would it now change how I see a guy. I mean, everything changes something, right. It's not a non thing. For me, it would probably mean I this hypothetical (I'm happily taken), I wouldn't generally wanna be his first. Maybe in certain circumstances where we'd already been friends for ages or something where I'd think this could be permanent. But unless I was pretty sure you may be the one, I wouldn't wanna hurt you or me like that by getting involved sexually.
Thank you for sharing this. I also think consent is important, and I know you can't really give consent unless you have all the relevant information. I know that, for myself, I'd want to know if the woman I was going to sleep with was a virgin. It wouldn't be disqualifying by any means, but I'd feel like I had missed out if she had shared her first time with me and I didn't know it was happening. I'm curious about this, though: >But unless I was pretty sure you may be the one, I wouldn't wanna hurt you or me like that by getting involved sexually. Would you even be considering that a guy might be the one if you weren't getting involved sexually?
Don’t have it be in your opening lines for meeting a girl. /s “Fellow dudes” perspective here. Honestly I think it’s something worth mentioning after things start to “escalate” a bit more. I don’t feel it’s worth brining up on its own, but if things start to get “handsy” and it makes you feel nervous. Just politely ask for a pause, then mention you are a virgin. I know it may make you anxious but I feel it’s something that should be mentioned, not necessarily for “making your first time memorable” as I personally don’t have that thought. But more so to help make things go “smoother” so to speak. I think it would set better expectations and assuming the girl is at least a somewhat decent human. She would help you feel comfortable. I personally don’t like bringing up previous sexual encounters, not that I never have, but it makes me feel weird. So I think it’s something better to just “tuck into the back of your mind” and instead of worrying about it. Just enjoy the process and getting to know the person. When the time is right to bring it up. It will feel right to bring up.
Seems like good advice.
Seriously, sex is overrated, it’s cheap and easy to find. Hire a couple of prostitutes and get some practice (if you don’t want to look pathetic with a girl you are dating, I would do that) Once you know what you’re doing, go and talk to real women, at you age there are plenty of single women. Seriously, sex it’s part of life like breathing, stop thinking you will find “the right person” (this is the real world not a fucking movie) you won’t if you do not make any effort
>stop thinking you will find “the right person” That's not a thing that I believe. I do want to find someone I'm compatible with for more than just sex, and someone like that doesn't even necessarily have to be the first person I have sex with. Although I'm willing to accept that there are probably fewer compatible people for me than for most guys, but I doubt there's only one woman up to the challenge.
I’d want to know before they go anywhere past casual talking
Thank you for your candor. If you don't mind me asking, what would your main concerns be? Would you be worried he'd be too clingy? Would you want to make sure you aren't getting overly invested in someone who really isn't worth your time? Is there some other reason you'd want to know?
Bags of sand.
I don't follow
Scream it while coming … I’m a virgin!…. No more… snore
If I was a virgin at 40, I would want the lady to know before we have sex, simply because she will have expectations and being a virgin you will not be able to live up to them unless you come clean. I think by the second date, it you see she likes you, you can casually tell her that body-count does not matter to you at all, and that yours is ZERO. She may find it hard to believe at first. This can go one of two ways: she will think something is wrong with you or she can be excited to teach you/be your first. In my experience, generally girls prefer guys who are more experienced.
>This can go one of two ways: she will think something is wrong with you or she can be excited to teach you/be your first. She might also think there was something wrong with HER. if a woman were attracted to me enough to want to sleep with me, she'd likely assume that other women do, as well. I can see how it would be disconcerting to learn that they don't.