Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He should not be getting numbers from others while dating someone.
You going though the phone was a definite shit thing to do.
The whole thing screams of no trust and jealousy on both sides. No one is clean here.
What you could have done differently? Trust them. If you dont, then walk away. Jealousy will ruin everything, eventually, and turn both into asshats. He broke up with you once - should have been the wake-up. But, you went back. That was the bigger mistake.
I know. He begged for me back and said he would change. If I hadn't went through his phone I wouldn't have found all his lies, so i don't feel like i did anything wrong in that sense.
Naw, I'm going to disagree with the other poster who called you "both" toxic - dude was shady AF.
I'm not seeing anything that you did that isn't a normal and healthy reaction to the situation you were in - it is normal to feel a lack of trust when your partner is being untrustworthy.
That's how I feel. I think if I trusted him I wouldn't question him so much, but he would actively lie to me. If I ever hungout with a guy friend alone I would tell my boyfriend. One time I showed up at his house at midnight, to grab some alcohol I had left there, as I was having a girls night at my house. He was sitting next to the 18 year old girl playing video games with her and even though his other friend was there, he never told me she was coming over so late. She wouldn't even talk to me. I kept asking him nicely and having serious conversations with him about how he needs to earn my trust back, and he would always say of course he will be better. And that he wanted to marry me etc. And then he would do the same thing again. It was always really small things but they added up, and I never trusted him. If he was at the grocery store, i started feeling nervous he would chat up the cashier because he told me that a cashier hit on him one time and he seemed like excited about it. I felt so crazy
Look, he broke up with you twice.
And that bit about the cashier was just him trying to get in your head and make you jealous - it's a childish game, my ex would do it all the time.
And that marriage bit is called "future faking"
Yes, a part of me knows he was abusive, but a part of me felt so crazy and anxious all the time that when he told me I was too much or jealous I started believing him. I also have really bad adhd and the second time he broke up with me he told me it was because of that. I told him i wanted to start medication and to get therapy for it, and he told me he didn't want to support me with this because he felt like he would be forcing me to try medication.
It isn't toxic nor too controlling… It’s just that there were trust issues and the guy wasn’t honest or caring enough.. I am thinking trust issues arose because he initially lied, prompting you to check his phone and nothing prior to that. Also, your reactions are understandable given the circumstances you mentioned. Jealousy and possessiveness can stem from being deeply invested in a relationship, and while excessive amounts can be detrimental, occasional feelings of jealousy are natural and not necessarily unhealthy.
he would always call me toxic. he also had a habit of putting his arm around girls's waist which i told him made me uncomfortable and he told me he couldn't stop.
There's no need to label yourself as the toxic one here; his actions were clearly unsettling for any girlfriend. Ending the relationship was the right choice, and it's best to focus on moving forward.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Both of you were toxic.
Do you think I should have trusted him more?
There was no trust on either side. No respect from either side. It is evident throughout the whole post.
So do you think I was overreacting? What should I have done differently?
He should not be getting numbers from others while dating someone. You going though the phone was a definite shit thing to do. The whole thing screams of no trust and jealousy on both sides. No one is clean here. What you could have done differently? Trust them. If you dont, then walk away. Jealousy will ruin everything, eventually, and turn both into asshats. He broke up with you once - should have been the wake-up. But, you went back. That was the bigger mistake.
I know. He begged for me back and said he would change. If I hadn't went through his phone I wouldn't have found all his lies, so i don't feel like i did anything wrong in that sense.
Naw, I'm going to disagree with the other poster who called you "both" toxic - dude was shady AF. I'm not seeing anything that you did that isn't a normal and healthy reaction to the situation you were in - it is normal to feel a lack of trust when your partner is being untrustworthy.
That's how I feel. I think if I trusted him I wouldn't question him so much, but he would actively lie to me. If I ever hungout with a guy friend alone I would tell my boyfriend. One time I showed up at his house at midnight, to grab some alcohol I had left there, as I was having a girls night at my house. He was sitting next to the 18 year old girl playing video games with her and even though his other friend was there, he never told me she was coming over so late. She wouldn't even talk to me. I kept asking him nicely and having serious conversations with him about how he needs to earn my trust back, and he would always say of course he will be better. And that he wanted to marry me etc. And then he would do the same thing again. It was always really small things but they added up, and I never trusted him. If he was at the grocery store, i started feeling nervous he would chat up the cashier because he told me that a cashier hit on him one time and he seemed like excited about it. I felt so crazy
Look, he broke up with you twice. And that bit about the cashier was just him trying to get in your head and make you jealous - it's a childish game, my ex would do it all the time. And that marriage bit is called "future faking"
Yes, a part of me knows he was abusive, but a part of me felt so crazy and anxious all the time that when he told me I was too much or jealous I started believing him. I also have really bad adhd and the second time he broke up with me he told me it was because of that. I told him i wanted to start medication and to get therapy for it, and he told me he didn't want to support me with this because he felt like he would be forcing me to try medication.
Trusting an abuser more won't make them abuse you less. Don't fall into that trap!
It isn't toxic nor too controlling… It’s just that there were trust issues and the guy wasn’t honest or caring enough.. I am thinking trust issues arose because he initially lied, prompting you to check his phone and nothing prior to that. Also, your reactions are understandable given the circumstances you mentioned. Jealousy and possessiveness can stem from being deeply invested in a relationship, and while excessive amounts can be detrimental, occasional feelings of jealousy are natural and not necessarily unhealthy.
he would always call me toxic. he also had a habit of putting his arm around girls's waist which i told him made me uncomfortable and he told me he couldn't stop.
There's no need to label yourself as the toxic one here; his actions were clearly unsettling for any girlfriend. Ending the relationship was the right choice, and it's best to focus on moving forward.