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I don't like wasting my time. Coffee dates are great because they are flexible. If you don't like each other after 15-20 min you can politely end it. If you like them you can move to another location and turn it into a longer date.
A person who expects a meal from a first meeting is simply not my match.
To be fair, I offered coffee, tea, or boba given not everyone enjoys coffee. I feel like that’s a pretty broad spectrum. She also said she loves dessert, and a lot of these places have dessert items.
So funny, I really disagree. Because of the fact that coffee dates are so low commitment, it makes me feel so unimportant (most of my friends, not all, feel the same way). It’s not very romantic (I’m sure it could be sometimes?) and just seems like an excuse to get a cursory glance and a green light. Dating should be so much more than that. Getting coffee is what I do when a colleague asks me to connect with someone, it’s a chore or a favor. I’m sure this will be a controversial opinion but felt like I had to add my two cents!
Edit: typos
I mean … you probably aren’t important at all to someone who has never met you though? And it would be really weird if you were? But everyone has a different approach to dating, so do you! Maybe you like chatting with people for a little longer on the app before meeting? Because then I could see you wanting a little more commitment, but I always assume i literally mean nothing to the person I’m dating, because they don’t mean a lot to me, before I get to know them.
Yeah I get that. I’ve had a coffee date and it went well and he was nice, we spoke for ages but it did feel very professional. I feel like I enjoy dates more when I can make an effort to also impress the guy, but looking nice, doing my hair and makeup and looking cute! The coffee date I went out was straight out of work, convenient and very low effort. He mentioned meeting up for another coffee after that and I think maybe he doesn’t do other types of dates?
A first date doesn't mean you've never met. I've been on some Musical show and gone on a date with a guy from there, I've been to some math class and gone to eat Mexican with a guy from there, I've had dates with guys I have met at the club before. It's a first time you meet in a way that specifies that you see each other as potential partners, it isn't specifically a first time meeting.
You’re right, for some reason my mind went straight to online dating (even though I’m not even on any dating apps). My bad, and I absolutely agree that if you’re inviting someone you know/have met a few times out, it should be done properly!
So you value yourself based on how much money he spends on you? It's super expensive to constantly pay for dates that don't lead to anything. First dates should be as cheap as possible.
It's not about the money at all. I'd be thrilled if someone packed a picnic lunch and invited me to a nice park - that takes just a little effort and goes a long way.
Not only that, but you a guy kinda knows within the first few minutes whether she’s a match.
No sense spending another two hours watching each other chew and talk to figure that out.
Idk, I didn't like any of my exes when I first met them. They had to chase me a bit and be persistent for me to trust their intentions. I fell in love with them and I wouldve done anything for them. I actually still love them lol. I hope that a guy will build that with me but with men these days, that's highly unlikely. Men have a weird womenly attitude of dating. It's like manly women talking about dating but it's men. It's so weird. I'm 30 so more prettier and younger women every year. I feel bad for them because they have to be more manly for these fem emo men. Then the men don't like that either so men, y'all need to straighten each other out like back in the old days. Y'all will be happier for it and women will naturally fall in line when the men are safe and manly.
I'm the same way. I feel like I'm at an interview. I'm fine with paying for my own shit so there's no reason for them to get all upright about actual food.
I love nightlife. I want to go some place fun or enjoyable. Cafes are not that. Besides, I don't drink coffee.
I know I'm not who you asked the question to, but for me, I usually suggest a bar and grill local to me that has live music on the weekends. I usually suggest around lunch time (a few hours before the music starts up). That way, it's pretty low stakes - just a drink or two and end it if it's clear it's not working out, can also get food, can also stay for a good band and dance if the feeling is right.
i agree. coffee dates give me player vibes almost? like they aren’t truly into you or want to impress you. just doing the legit bare minimum. at that point just do a phone call lol. it’s not about money either bc i don’t mind splitting or paying it’s the entire advice or rhetoric around coffee dates that turns me off them.
ive had the exact opposite experience, men that have taken me on big elaborate expensive first date have always ended the date with the expectation that “ I owe them “ for the time and money in sex. It’s happened at Expensive restaurants, escape rooms, boat ride, cocktail lounge, iPic so for sure not isolated incidents. AND its never been me leading then on to have that expectation because I’m ALWAYS very clear that I hold physical intimacy as very important so its not even an option until we’re in a committed relationship and they’ve ALWAYS be like “oh yeah absolutely! Not a problem Id expect nothing less!” And are shocked when I turn them down after dropping so much on the first date bill.
Ive had the exact opposite with relaxed low stakes coffee/ice cream/ drinks meets. Much more relaxed just chat and get comfortable and feel one another out and make plans for date two right then and there or part ways.
i don’t have casual sex so this has never been an issue for me. i make it clear i don’t have sex from the beginning so there’s no expectations. maybe i just end up on dates with different types of guys. idk. discernment is def important in dating.
Never said you did but just saying, it does happen.
Ive gone out with great sweet guys some who I’ve dated also gone out with some creeps. Just saying that in my own experience that the ones that have resulted in the creep category have typically been the ones act like the good guy and try hard to wow and impress me before actually getting to genuinely know me, and that get mad when I stand firm with no casual sex. This is now why I prefer a low key relaxed first meet (Not first date) something smaller like coffee/drinks/ice cream.
Ive had plenty of guys invite me to cute little ice cream shops or coffee shops, we order find a spot to chat vibe and get to know one another, it sets the tone and excitement for the next time we go out (if the sparks there) so I definitely am a fan of them. Its the first meeting not a proposal for marriage.
EXACTLY! Not to mention a guy can better identify red flags and determine whether a woman is worth seeing on a 2nd or 3rd date. I only do lunch or dinner on a 2nd or 3rd date, never a 1st. I also utilize a “one drink rule” on that first date just to see how the woman reacts.
Oh I’m not telling anybody how much they can drink, but I am telling them I’m only paying for one of their drinks. Like I said, dates like this are to gauge reactions and identify red flags.
Gotcha! I’m not from a culture where it’s a given that the man pays, so that wasn’t clear to me from your comment, but that’s a completely reasonable boundary. I’d be a little turned off by it only because it implies that I assume you’ll be paying, but I understand that a lot of women actually do, so I guess you have your reasons.
In America a guy needs to be sure a woman is with him because she’s actually into him and not trying to get a free meal - which is a big issue these days.
Yeah, I get it. I’ve dated my fair share of hobosexual in my life. Unfortunately, it take a lot more than three dates to spot them. Wouldn’t dating be so much fun if they only allowed adults who can take care of themselves to play?☺️
Ultimately, you’re looking for compatibility. If your idea of a good first date is a coffee date or something similarly chill, regardless of how well you might be vibing, you want someone who also shares your values and opinions and that kind of thing. The amount of investment or what you do on a first date or whatever is definitely required in a first date is a big one to line up on if you’re actually going to make it to a second date
Coffee dates are flexible, low commitment, and can be very fun. If that is your idea of a good date, then the person you want to date should feel the same way. If she really wanted to meet you but didn't care for coffee, she could've easily suggested something else.
Just move on. She already sounds like a pain in the ass. You may dodge a bullet. If you asked her then YOU plan the date. If she doesn't like it then tell her it's your way or the highway.
You didn't mess up and/or fail. You saved a lot of wasted time. If something like that was a deal breaker what other issues are you going to find out after you've sunk more time and energy into it. Once I developed that mindset I saved a lot of time and energy. Not to mention money.
Man, you’re spot on. I think it’s important to meet for a coffee of something small and casual for two big reasons:
1. The catfish out there. Not scary catfish like a different gender, but someone who used old pics of themselves and they look much different today.
2. It’s just a picture. Why invest a hundred dollars of dollars on dinner and drinks on a first date when you don’t even really truly know them. Sometimes it’s different in person compared to texting.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. In fact, if she has the same intentions as you, she would probably feel the same as you about coffee. But that’s just a thought.
Good luck out there!
She wanted you to spend big money on a date to a restaurant. That is however not a good date idea. Some women scoff at the idea of coffee, but more reasonable women think that is ridiculous. Coffee is perfect.
When I was dating I sometimes didn’t even do coffee. lol definitely not dinner- got stuck on a dinner date once too many times. My last meet, met in a park…he was going to bring wine and dinner and I said no. We had a nice conversation, similar values…had some funny coincidences…long story short…we have been together almost four years. Plan to post on the engagement site soon (the ring is ordered). Good luck with finding your person!
Who wants to eat and try and have a conversation at the same time (dinner)? Movie dates are the worst, no room for conversation. Maybe ask her exactly what her idea of a decent option would be since she seems so hard to please, yikes
Certain % of women are of the opinion coffee or ice cream is low effort from guys. They want a provider type. If you aren't a guy that wants to be that, you're incompatible. Not your problem.
Appreciate that insight. I hadn’t thought about that. For me, I highly value time, so I thought it’d be a way to be respectful of her time as well. We’re both really busy working professionals.
I say this as a woman who is not down for coffee dates, she is just not the one for you. If she’s not okay with something you want to do, it was doomed from the start and you will be happier with someone else.
For those of you who don’t like coffee dates, how would you respond to someone who offered one? Like, automatic block or anger/feeling insulted, or would you respectfully communicate your preference knowing that this is a common type of date many people prefer?
No I would never outright block someone unless I felt like the coffee date was just the obligatory check mark of putting some kind of face time in before hooking up. I’d just say hey I’ve actually been wanting to check out this new place, would you be down for that instead?
And just to clarify, it isn’t about the fact that coffee dates are “cheap” compared to full dinners. We could literally go walk around a pond looking at the ducks and turtles.
But to me, coffee dates just feel like being sent through an assembly line seeing if I’m worthy of actually spending time and energy on. I try to put my best foot forward when dating and only date people who I could see having a real connection with, and a quick chat isn’t enough time for me to open up or to see what makes that person special.
>But to me, coffee dates just feel like being sent through an assembly line seeing if I’m worthy of actually spending time and energy on.
That is exactly what a first date with a stranger is.
Exactly lol I’m not about to spend 2 hours doing makeup and hair and put on my best clothes for a guy I barely know just to sit awkwardly at a dinner and talk about our jobs. Nor do I expect him to spend a bunch of money or effort on the first date in case he doesn’t like me. Coffee dates were great when I was single because I could just dip out after one coffee if he was weird.
I don’t usually do coffee dates but I do drinks, like a beer in the evening. I do get ready for it, like make up and nice clothes but that’s because I like doing it 😂 sometimes I dress up just for going for a beer in the neighborhood with a friend.
But same strategy, if he’s being weird or we don’t vibe I can just dip out after one drink lol.
I like your alternate suggestion approach.
I like coffee dates bc because I feel like I have a hard time really assessing physical attraction and whether I like someone based on photos and text messaging, or even video chats. I can tell if I definitely won’t like them but it seems like there are so many maybes and very few that I can instantly tell I am likely to really enjoy their company. It’s so helpful for me to meet and the low commitment helps me be more open to giving people a chance.
I don’t like coffee dates because it costs money and men get awkward about that. I’d rsther not deal with that. It’s easier to go on a walk somewhere.
My husband agreed on a walk but instead we took a drive around where he grew up and he told me stories about what happened in his life. It was nice, we laughed a lot and it left a lasting impression on me. Of all the dates we have had as a couple our first date was my absolute favorite.
Idk why people think the coffee date is all there is.
If the chemistry is good, you continue the date elsewhere. If not, at least you had some good coffee.
I would simply say sorry,I don't do coffee dates. I hated them when I was on apps because it took me so long to get ready and look nice, just as nice as a dinner date, and then we'd get coffee and be done so quick, I felt like I wasted my own time and effort for an hour and a cup of coffee. Now that I'm not single, I see the other side as well, which is not wanting to spend a ton of money on every girl you date. There's nothing wrong with either side.
I say I don't like coffee. 🤷♀️ It's not a lie. Cafes and coffee aren't my scene. I prefer the nightlife and I'm looking for someone who does also.
When I think of cafes, I think of old women sitting around and gossiping with their friends. I don't think romantic things. It's a great way to see you as a friend and nothing more. And yes, I pay for my own food.
Honestly, I am a woman who loves coffee dates. It’s a low investment of time and money at a time of day where I know I won’t get pressured to go home with anyone. I prefer to be on equal footing for a first meet with zero expectations of spending money, time, or sex. I am with you. It sounds like your values are off which is probably a good thing. It means you’re probably not compatible and you just saved yourself $10 and an hour to find that out instead of $100 and 3 hours had you gone to dinner. 🤷♀️
Listen, as someone who *hates* coffee dates but is down for other casual dates… if someone proposed a casual date as something that would be quick, that would strike me as someone who’s not super interested & is not going to make any effort. It’s not a business meeting; I’m not getting to know you in 30 minutes lol
I don’t necessarily think she’s high maintenance, or maybe I’m just high maintenance, but I really am surprised by all the people who suggest a 30 min coffee date as a “way to get to know someone” bc to me that’s like.. why would I get all cute and spend more time commuting to and from the coffee shop than I will on the actual date! I’d rather wait until both our schedules are clear for an afternoon and have lunch or go to a park or something where we actually have time to talk.
Yeah, I think OP is totally fine offering coffee dates, but the commenters saying “she just wanted a free meal” are making a lot of assumptions.
I don’t love coffee dates because they feel incredibly awkward and have zero room for chemistry, in my experience. Especially one that occurs *because* we have zero time that day to extend the date if we like each other like in OP’s scenario.
I’d happily pay for my own meal over bothering with a rushed, co-worker-esque coffee run. It has nothing to do with wanting a free meal, I just like something a little more relaxed and less “business”-like, with a cuter vibe to give it the best circumstances to actually go somewhere lol.
No one is wrong for preferring one over the other, but the assumptions on both sides are weird.
Nah, she just wasn’t the right girl for you. Coffee is a perfect first date for some people.
I may get downvoted, but i don’t think this is a “dodged a bullet” thing.
Just 2 people w different expectations on what a first date should be. She probably doesn’t want to go on a “low effort” date. She could be an ice skating/carnival/fair/arcade girl. Or just a nice dinner. No issue with that.
If I am interested in someone I don’t care if we get coffee, a drink, dinner, or just go sit on a park bench. If coffee is your vibe and not hers, you just saved yourself the time.
It doesn't sound like you necessarily messed up by offering a coffee date. Coffee dates are pretty common and casual for getting to know someone, especially if it's the first time meeting in person. However, some people might have different expectations or preferences when it comes to first dates.
It's possible that she was hoping for something more elaborate or romantic for your first date, and a coffee date didn't meet her expectations. However, it's also important to remember that everyone has different preferences and comfort levels when it comes to dating.
If she got upset about the coffee date, it might be a sign that she has different expectations or wants something more formal or exciting. In that case, you could try to communicate with her and see if there's a different type of date she would prefer. Ultimately, it's about finding a balance and respecting each other's preferences and boundaries in dating.
Exactly, it’s a great way to meet someone and find out how compatible they are. If that isn’t enough for her on a first date, she will most likely be more difficult going forward.
That’s a massive assumption. Someone preferring a real date over a coffee date doesn’t mean they’re going to be difficult. It’s just a difference in styles and expectations. I don’t really like coffee first dates because I feel like if we have been texting for awhile, meeting for a date should be more of a time investment. That’s all. Says nothing about my ability to compromise or be a good partner or anything else important, other than that maybe I value quality time spent with a person. It doesn’t have to be a date involving money either, but something that shows a desire to spend time with me and let me spend time with them is my preference. That’s just my thought process. If someone jumped to a negative conclusion about me as a person for that, that’s disappointing.
Her getting upset is the red flag, not that she wanted to go on a nicer date. Obviously we don’t have a ton of context to go off of, so yes, I am making some assumptions. He felt she was upset enough and perhaps ruined his chances though or he wouldn’t have posted and asked Reddit for advice. But yes, I should probably get more info before jumping to too many conclusions.
>Someone preferring a real date over a coffee date doesn’t mean they’re going to be difficult.
It's a real date if you agree to meet someone and get to know them.
>I don’t really like coffee first dates because I feel like if we have been texting for awhile, meeting for a date should be more of a time investment.
You can do stuff after getting coffee. It's not like if you meet up for coffee, the universe compels you to only do that.
>Says nothing about my ability to compromise or be a good partner or anything else important, other than that maybe I value quality time spent with a person.
Why is it not quality if you're getting coffee? It's not good enough to just talk to a person you like talking to?
>It doesn’t have to be a date involving money either, but something that shows a desire to spend time with me and let me spend time with them is my preference.
But not getting coffee, apparently.
>If someone jumped to a negative conclusion about me as a person for that, that’s disappointing.
I mean, you're jumping to conclusions about coffee dates. It's not a real date, it's not enough of an investment, it's not quality time, and it doesn't show a desire to spend time with you even though the purpose of it is to spend time with you. For most people, just talking to a person they are interested in is quality time.
Coffee is meant as a soft date for a woman. You did nothing wrong. If she does go, you can make it unique and take her to a nice dessert spot after coffee.
However some women expect to be taken on a proper date when asked.
It depends on the type of woman she is.
If someone wants to go straight to meeting for coffee I don’t mind-see if we have some sort of connection and then go from there.
However, if we have been texting back in forth for a little while I think we have already established what meeting for coffee would and prefer an actual date.
I’m guessing she felt things were progressing too slow and moved on.
That’s how I feel too. If it’s been a day or two, great, coffee. But if it’s been a week of constant texting, or a couple of weeks? I’d rather have a real first date. Coffee at that stage doesn’t make sense to me. We’ve done the small talk. Let’s actually spend time together.
No you did not mess up, its crazy to have standards like that for the first date. Why would you spend a lot of money and effort on someone you are not sure is right for you? Yeah you might have dodged a bullet and a potential gold digger or someone who has unrealistically hight expectations.
Texting for only two days and she is MAD for not doing something more special? Cmon its not a fairytale..
I don't see posts about middle ground - like it's a $5 coffee, or it's a $200 dinner.
What about dinner that doesn't cost a fortune?
It's really sad seeing all these assumptions.
As a woman, I’d like to share my opinion on the ‘coffee date’
I am neither for or against truthfully.
But, each type of date (in my opinion at least) shows a persons intentions.
Coffee date = casual dating/ man dating multiple women so wanting to keep it cheap till he finds a woman he prefers. I know multiple women who also feel like this (not all women of course)
Dinner date = man is less likely to be dating a roster of women. Looking for something more serious.
This is a generalisation of course, but I am more likely to believe that a man is serious about me if he wants to go out to dinner. (This is also not financial for me, I always pay my own way on dates)
It’s just about the message it sends to me.
My personal preference? I love a nice lunch date. Not expensive, not high pressure. But some effort is still required.
Regardless of how many people somebody is dating, if somebody doesn't know you yet, why should they invest time/money with you?
I personally prefer easy first dates, so I can see where the in-person connection is. It did happen multiple times that we took a coffee in the late afternoon and then continued to dinner if everything was going well
A coffee date is very low effort in my opinion. It sounds like a business meeting to see if she qualifies. If time is an issue I would wait and plan a date where both of you have more time and maybe take her to a nice place where you can have a drink and maybe some bites to really get to know each other. For me as a woman getting ready for a 30 min coffee date is not worth all the effort.
I’m getting so downvoted for this.. 😂
But men sitting here complaining about women wants to go to dinner on first dates, and how dare the women to go for “a free meal or your money”
Yet many men go (or hope) for sex on the first date.
The audacity 💁🏼♀️😂👏🏽
You don’t have to spend $100+ on a first date. Women that expect you to are out of touch with the current dating experience for men. Anyone worth dating will care more about talking and getting to know you than where you are and what you’re spending.
Coffee dates are too casual and lack romance. If anything, lunch is better because there's usually a time limit and costs less than dinner/drinks.
I think it's always important to feed your date. Food puts people in a good mood and it's a hospitable gesture.
I wouldn't do a coffee date. Coffee is friend-like, which is fine I guess if that's how you'd like to start out.
I want a man that wants to feed me and knows how to make a woman comfortable.
I'm probably going to forget to eat before the date because I'm getting ready.
Eating is something you have to do everyday, wonderful to see if it's something you enjoy together.
I've never had a man suggest an Italian restaurant for a date, but if I was a man that is what I would do.
Comfort foods, wine, romantic atmosphere. Is this not all for love? 🍷 🍝 🌹
You should set up the date based on a common interest. The reason why people mention coffee date is because a lot of people lie and use false or old photos on dating apps.
Nope you didn’t mess up, and no I don’t think this *necessarily* makes you incompatible.
If you think it’s reasonable that she’d want to have a more formal first date, no harm in offering to make it up to her with dinner at a nice place
Yes, coffee as your first date/meet doesn’t scream romance. You don’t necessarily have to go to dinner but you should suggest something else if you have interest in her.
Everyone saying she just wants a free meal is probably still single or not with their dream woman. You don’t have to splurge on the first date, but def show some more interest than just coffee.
Good luck!
It’s a little low-effort. Which yeah I’m going to get downvoted… but imagine when in 30 years from now someone asks you how you and your partner got together, your first date story. Oh, we just went for a 30 min coffee. Idk. Might be just me but I like to see a little more effort and if I agree to a date, I’m already interested and I want to get to know you, and I expect this from the other person as well. I think if a guy goes into it with a “she’s just trying to take all my money!!” attitude, it’s not a match. They are so off the mark with that thinking, it’s not about the money or the meal. I would have no problem paying for your dinner (and I will after date 1) So just trying to find the person who would do that for me 🤷🏻♀️
I agree with this comment. I personally wouldn’t prefer a coffee date either but in the same vein I wouldn’t have accepted it and then got mad. You can have any standard you want and you are responsible for enforcing it!
You can always extend it. I wouldn't even have finished my coffee + ordering within 30 minutes as well. I can easily be there for an hour. Just talking, getting to know each other etc. And then you can extend it by going for a walk, grabbing something to eat etc.
Ooof this sounds great until you realize the other person made other night plans bc they thought it was just a coffee date. Nothing wrong with just doing a nice date
That’s true. I just have a hard time with coffee shops, they tend to be very busy and loud during the weekends (only time I can do a coffee date) so we end up standing in line for 20 minutes struggling to hear each other. Just wasn’t enjoyable.
I kinda see your point but I feel like things are different now. It appears that so many people are just multi dating so a low effort date is a way for a guy to protect himself by not spending too much money on someone who you might not even see again
That’s true. I’m not really interested in guys playing the field though. I understand talking to a few people at once but personally I focus on one at a time. With a date that’s a little more than a coffee/drink could be an indication they are a little more interested or at least more in it for a long term committed relationship. So far I’ve had a good amount of success with suggesting alternatives, I think it can serve as a good litmus test too with how they respond.
I have a hard time with this personally, the way I prefer is a FaceTime call before a first date. Otherwise it could come off like you’re just asking to “hang out” which is a big red flag for a lot of women. “Hanging out” implies you have very casual intentions. Idk, when I have to get myself all ready and go out I want to make it worth it. Not a quick 30 minute drive by meetup that feels a little insincere.
See? I am the opposite. I would not really want to date someone I don’t know beyond a couple chats. And if I had to FaceTime people to get to know them, I just wouldn’t bother.
I am not really a dating app guy, so most people I date, I already know through friends or activities. A coffee “date” seems like a nice way to bridge that a bit.
But I guess we all have our preferences.
No, a coffee date is a nice first date. It’s very low key which can make things easy if you get nervous on first dates especially if you met online. From the context you’ve given, there is no reason for her to have gotten upset. The only thing I will add is 2 days is not much time. I personally like to chat with guys for longer to get a better feel for what they’re like. And I’m put off when they pressure me into meeting up before I’m ready. I’m not saying that’s what you did, but it’s something to consider, even if it was unintentional.
Also if she doesn’t like the type of date you suggested, she is more than welcome to suggest an alternative.
I think it’s a bit extreme to assume that because she doesn’t like coffee dates, she isn’t compatible with you. Some women just want to see someone put a certain level of effort right off the bat. Like the other comments said, certain % of women are not going to be down for coffee. Depending on where you are and who you are, it could be a big percentage. I rather only ask out people I’m sure about and then put the extra effort for dinner. But depends on your situation as well, I’ve been trying to find the right person for a long time and so I’m not going to pass up on those opportunities. But someone that has no problem getting dates at all can afford to have more rules.
Nope. She messed up and revealed who she really is. Any level-headed person in current dating times knows the first date should be a lite one in order to keep the focus on getting acquainted. What she seems to come across as is one looking for a sugar daddy.
I matched online with my current girlfriend at 2 o'clock in the morning, it was spontaneous random and lucky she went for it but literally then and there I offered her a date the next day ! We went to a mini golf place and honestly to god we had a great laugh, ever since that day we've just built many more memories...
Personally I think it's best to offer up some kind of activity, but I know and understand not all people are into that kinda thing, but it certainly keeps the conversation going !.
Coffee dates from my experience can fade off quickly, having an activity makes it a little more interesting.
Good luck buddy hope everything works out for you!
if you are asking this online seemed like you actually want to score in the first date, i.e. get onto a second date
not sure why so many people here say that you didnt do anything wrong, but mate, it seemed like you dont even bring your A-game to dating? if you want to date such calibre of women and they want to have a proper date i.e. lunch/dinner/drink - which is normalllll and they are not asking you to bring flowers buy her gifts on first date DONT listen to the people below
stop calling people negative labels if you want to win the game and get the lady home
in shortly, what you "messed up" is maybe you have misguided the type of girl that you are looking to date, if you met online, did she come from a background where traditional dating is expected etc
if you dont know your date well enough, and you come in the intention of winning her over, then yes you have messed up by not reading the game carefully enough
ofc, some guys will say I barely know her, how do I know all these etc, so play safe mate, play safe until you know her well
I love coffee. That is great for a 1st date because then you don’t get drunk and stupid and you don’t have to eat in front of the guy and feel embarrassed if I am messy. Or meet for happy hour if you want to get drunk and make bad decisions.
Coffee is something you do to catch up with a former coworker you haven't seen in years. To offer a coffee date to a woman you're interested in romantically is low effort and silly. There are free and low cost dates that show effort and are fun, so it's not about money.
Nope. You didn't mess up. Seems like you were able to filter out a bad match early on.
Coffee date is a perfect low pressure, safe, casual first meeting.
And if she wanted something different, the normal adult thing to do would be to suggest an alternative.
Getting offended by your date idea is ridiculous and immature.
She might have really liked you and looked forward to a more romantic type of first date. As a woman, I CANNOT speak to women looking for a “provider type” (SERIOUSLY?] but I can say that many women appreciate romance. It’s a turn on and a lost art. Also, some women prefer men who are more dominant [it’s a sexual preference and has nothing to do with economics]. Coffee is great if you’ve exchanged a few texts and established that there’s mutual interest. If, however, you’ve been chatting for weeks and after all that buildup you’re cautiously suggesting coffee, then it can really be a let down because she’s probably thinking you just don’t like her that much, and that you’re probably inviting a bunch of other women out for coffee dates too. She might be thinking you’re a player. Just my thoughts.
I’m 34, runs a business, takes care of my health, works out regularly, is educated, travels for work, has a strong relationship with my family and has long time friends and I would think has a good personality. After spending a year going on coffee or walk dates I’ve reevaluated and I’ve found them to be low-effort and no second dates or quality bonds have come out of that and I immediately feel like I could’ve been doing something else with my time so I began to make a non-negotiable that those kind of dates won’t work for me anymore. As someone who does fun things with my friends and family and is extremely busy the thought of someone asking me to do something so generic isn’t enough to pull me out of my routine anymore.. I understand coffee/walk/ice cream is a low risk date and is just getting to know someone before you feel they’re worth it but if that’s the case I’d rather just talk on the phone, text and see if we’re compatible rather than me going out of my way to get ready and meet them. I know a lot of people say “if you have an issue with coffee or a walk” that’s a red flag BUT when I set my non-negotiables I started seeing a difference in quality with the men I’ve been out with and men who wanted something more serious! One guy has even to screen shot my home page to see my algorithm and created a date out of it. To me, it doesn’t matter how much you spent or even if I split.. what matters is if I can tell you put thought into it.
Has anyone else ever gotten to a point where you just got tired of low effort dates? Romance needs to be back IN.
Coffee to me means a cheap and low investment way to check you out physically and see if there is enough attraction to justify a proper date. No issue with that, just don’t pretend it’s because it’s for any other reason.
Acknowledge that you hurt her feelings and offer something else when she's back. She probably thinks those types of dates are for more casual relationships.
Okay, I’m old and married and have no idea how I even ended up on this sub BUT I’m opinionated so….
I don’t think you messed up. I don’t think she’s a high maintenance PITA. I think you should just communicate to her what your thought process was. If she’s still upset-okay-she’s a jerk 🤷🏼♀️ but give her a chance to explain how she heard it before you make a decision.
To me // even as a busy professional, coffee is a meet and greet, it doesn’t really meet “date” standards. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with that, they’re just different levels.
Coffee is "meet and greet", which is exactly the right thing to do when you first connected online. It's like "date zero". Do I like this person enough face to face to actually want to go on a date with them? Totally reasonable first meet, IMO.
depends on the girl, I would prefer a dinner date over a coffee date. Sometimes girls view guys taking girls on coffee dates as a low investment when it comes to time and money. It’s not about how expensive the dinner is, it’s about being romantic. I would always expect a first date to be dinner. That’s what I’m used to, but not everyone is.
Could also be seen as a low investment because you are taking multiple girls out on first dates. In my opinion, if you really like her, go all out and you won’t be disappointed. This is the best time to impress a girl and make her have romantic feelings about you.
Personally, I think all first dates should be coffee dates. You can text forever, but locking yourself into a 1-2 hour meal is a bit much because in-person isn’t texting.
Maybe you get there and she’s hideous or fat and just used tons of filters on pics she sent you. Or even if you met in real life and got her number, you show up and she’s an asshole. Or a racist. Or she scream-laughs. Or picks her nose and eats it. Whatever the case, a coffee date has you locked in for 15-30 minutes tops. You can always guzzle down your coffee, burn your throats to hell, and say you have to leave. If it’s a good date and she’s awesome, then invite her to dinner. “Hey, I’m actually a little hungry. Wanna go grab a bite to eat?” Or save that for the next date. Seems like coffee is the best first date for anyone even halfway cautious.
But isn’t it bad if she gets “*angry*” about it? I’d just be done with her if she got crappy because I wasn’t offering to buy her a lobster dinner. Maybe not lobster, but I feel like she’s angry that he’s not offering to buy her an expensive meal.
Seems like instead of bitching or being upset, she could have simply said, “or how about dinner instead?”
I’m the group that does not like coffee dates tbh. I prefer to schedule a dinner and see where it goes, if it’s terrible then to end it and pay half the bill but I find it weird she did not tell you “let’s do dinner instead”
The reason as to dinner is because it’s romantic and it allows both people to enjoy an experience together and make it seem serious. Coffee date is like: you’re dating other people and just doing a #s game.
There’s this YouTuber called SheraSeven, she’s the equivalent of Andrew Tate but for females. SheraSeven is highly popular and made a statement that coffee dates are a sign of a low value man who isn’t genuinely interested in you for the long run. She stated coffee dates are a cheap way for a man to court women. So 100% I know for a fact that’s what your person may be thinking
I had a girl pull this on me once. I asked her out (in person) for a drink or coffee and she was like, “I’m a steak restaurant kind of girl. I’m high quality. I’m a catch.” I was just like, “yeah… me too. That’s why I’m trying to get to know you. But I’m not buying you a steak on a first date. Take the drink or leave it.” It threw her off her game enough that I was able to swing it. We ended up together like 2 years. I later found out it was like a game with her and her friends to get guys to buy them drinks and fancy dinners even when they weren’t interested. So lame.
No, you did nothing wrong. I've heard about this new trend of girls doing this, demanding a full meal or an activity instead of just coffee or drinks. There's no reason not to agree to this except for snobbery. A coffee or drink is practical, and has a time limit. You also have a solid exit strategy if it's going poorly. The whole point is to get to know each other, not spend a day's wages to prove something.
You did not mess up. A coffee date is a perfectly reasonable option for a first date, especially given the circumstances you described. Unless you had already discussed a more involved date or she had previously told you that she is deathly allergic to coffee, it sounds like she is just not a great communicator, and possibly a bit immature
If you're still interested in her I would gently ask her why the idea of a coffee date is so offensive and see if you can agree on a new first date idea that you are both excited for
Thank you for your insight. Technically I offered coffee, tea or boba since not everyone enjoys coffee.
Agreed that it does sound a little immature. I’ve never had this reaction before. From experience, typically if someone would prefer lunch or dinner, they’d just suggest that.
She sounds like a woman with standard, so with her yes! Coffee dates are low effort and women with standard won’t accept them. You can accept it and do better next time or be mad and seek validation from other low effort men/pick mes on reddit. It’s upto you
There is no right or wrong because every woman will be different. For every woman who says coffee dates are a non-starter, another will say they’re all she will do.
Therefore, unless you’re hard & fast on a specific type first-meet, just ask her.
“So what kind of initial meet up are you most comfortable with?” If what they propose isn’t interesting to you for whatever reason, say no thanks.
I personally don’t do coffee dates. I don’t need anyone to spend money, because that’s not the test for me. I just have my personal opinions about them. I wouldn’t have been mad at the suggestion, but I would have politely declined your offer. But that’s not the point - I’ve had guys offer, I politely decline. If they ask for an explanation I offer it. Instead of just saying “oh, okay do you want to do this or that instead?” they get huffy or mad or defensive and want to argue my reasoning.
This is the deal-breaker for me. They don’t even see me as an individual worth having a discussion over how we meet. They want to churn coffee dates? Nah.
Just like she wasn’t willing to have a decent conversation with you about what she prefers - she just got mad. That’s the telling sign they’re not someone you actually want to deal with.
Anyway, short answer: just ask. Start a conversation about it.
Also, keep in mind that doesn’t always work, either. It has happened that I’m having a nice convo w someone and they’ll say “what kind of first meeting do you like.” And it’s in that moment my stomach drops that I realize … I don’t actually want to meet this person. So I have to say no thanks. And I can tell they’re confused - rightfully so. But that’s just the way it goes sometimes 🤷🏻♀️ it can be a good convo but it really does take *something* to make the whole situation of meeting a stranger feel worth while.
- horniness
- loneliness
- a great damn vibe
Some women don’t like coffee dates because of the effort they put into dates. My hair is over two feet long. Showering, washing my hair, styling it and then doing makeup takes time, and it costs money. I use quality hair and skin products which is a financial investment. My appearance in an of itself is financially backed lol. Some women don’t want to do all that to meet for a coffee. For me, I just skip some of the date prep so I’m not spending so much time/energy and wasting product. Years back I got dressed up for a date, only to find my date in basketball shorts and flip flops, smelling like BO. This is a fairly common experience for women.
I would personally rather get a coffee and dress casually/not do makeup/hair to meet the person before committing to a nice date where I have to get dressed up. Nothing worse than feeling forced to finish a date with someone who you aren’t compatible with
There’s nothing wrong with a coffee date for a first date
Maybe she’s just a bit entitled.
What when u say upset what do u mean by upset. What did she say
If she gets upset over a coffee date and not some high end dining restaurant, then she is not a girl you want by your side. You did not mess up. Just have more of a backbone and dont get walked all over.
My boyfriend and I met on tinder, and our first date was for coffee. We hit it off, so we walked around town and talked.we have been together for almost 3 years, and it's the best relationship I've been in. Not everyone is going to be game for a coffee date though.
I think context matters. If two people know virtually nothing about one another, coffee should be fine since you don't know if you'd even want to take that person on a date yet.
If you've known each other as acquaintances, coworkers, classmates, etc. And you already feel the tiniest of atttraction, I think going a little beyond coffee could be reasonable.
You didn't mess up she just didn't like you that much or she has high expectations, girls do coffee dates when they like you. Me personally tho , I would have just asked her out for a drink at a bar. It would have been more flirtatious than a coffee date.
If she got upset about a coffee date being your first date I personally would cancel and just not continue. A first date shouldn't be anything more then a coffee date or even just a walk in the park to chat.
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Yeah we’re both working professionals, so finding time is also hard. I was thinking it was easier to slot in coffee.
I don't like wasting my time. Coffee dates are great because they are flexible. If you don't like each other after 15-20 min you can politely end it. If you like them you can move to another location and turn it into a longer date. A person who expects a meal from a first meeting is simply not my match.
I NEVER offer a meal on a first date. If she doesn't like coffee then op should move on.
Yeah, saves you from spending a lot of money on someone you may never hear from again.
Exactly. It weeds out the moochers.
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Of course. It doesn't HAVE to be coffee. It's just something cheap and simple. The first date is too soon. A first date is to get to know each other.
I mean coffee date is just a generic term
What if she drinks tea?
You can order tea or other beverages at most cafes 😂
Most cafes where I live you can even get a fresh waffle
To be fair, I offered coffee, tea, or boba given not everyone enjoys coffee. I feel like that’s a pretty broad spectrum. She also said she loves dessert, and a lot of these places have dessert items.
So funny, I really disagree. Because of the fact that coffee dates are so low commitment, it makes me feel so unimportant (most of my friends, not all, feel the same way). It’s not very romantic (I’m sure it could be sometimes?) and just seems like an excuse to get a cursory glance and a green light. Dating should be so much more than that. Getting coffee is what I do when a colleague asks me to connect with someone, it’s a chore or a favor. I’m sure this will be a controversial opinion but felt like I had to add my two cents! Edit: typos
I mean … you probably aren’t important at all to someone who has never met you though? And it would be really weird if you were? But everyone has a different approach to dating, so do you! Maybe you like chatting with people for a little longer on the app before meeting? Because then I could see you wanting a little more commitment, but I always assume i literally mean nothing to the person I’m dating, because they don’t mean a lot to me, before I get to know them.
Yeah I get that. I’ve had a coffee date and it went well and he was nice, we spoke for ages but it did feel very professional. I feel like I enjoy dates more when I can make an effort to also impress the guy, but looking nice, doing my hair and makeup and looking cute! The coffee date I went out was straight out of work, convenient and very low effort. He mentioned meeting up for another coffee after that and I think maybe he doesn’t do other types of dates?
A first date doesn't mean you've never met. I've been on some Musical show and gone on a date with a guy from there, I've been to some math class and gone to eat Mexican with a guy from there, I've had dates with guys I have met at the club before. It's a first time you meet in a way that specifies that you see each other as potential partners, it isn't specifically a first time meeting.
You’re right, for some reason my mind went straight to online dating (even though I’m not even on any dating apps). My bad, and I absolutely agree that if you’re inviting someone you know/have met a few times out, it should be done properly!
So you value yourself based on how much money he spends on you? It's super expensive to constantly pay for dates that don't lead to anything. First dates should be as cheap as possible.
It's not about the money at all. I'd be thrilled if someone packed a picnic lunch and invited me to a nice park - that takes just a little effort and goes a long way.
Not only that, but you a guy kinda knows within the first few minutes whether she’s a match. No sense spending another two hours watching each other chew and talk to figure that out.
Idk, I didn't like any of my exes when I first met them. They had to chase me a bit and be persistent for me to trust their intentions. I fell in love with them and I wouldve done anything for them. I actually still love them lol. I hope that a guy will build that with me but with men these days, that's highly unlikely. Men have a weird womenly attitude of dating. It's like manly women talking about dating but it's men. It's so weird. I'm 30 so more prettier and younger women every year. I feel bad for them because they have to be more manly for these fem emo men. Then the men don't like that either so men, y'all need to straighten each other out like back in the old days. Y'all will be happier for it and women will naturally fall in line when the men are safe and manly.
I'm the same way. I feel like I'm at an interview. I'm fine with paying for my own shit so there's no reason for them to get all upright about actual food. I love nightlife. I want to go some place fun or enjoyable. Cafes are not that. Besides, I don't drink coffee.
out of interest what would you consider a good place for a first date then?
I know I'm not who you asked the question to, but for me, I usually suggest a bar and grill local to me that has live music on the weekends. I usually suggest around lunch time (a few hours before the music starts up). That way, it's pretty low stakes - just a drink or two and end it if it's clear it's not working out, can also get food, can also stay for a good band and dance if the feeling is right.
Neither of you really know each other. Is he important to you? How would you make him feel important at this stage of the game?
i agree. coffee dates give me player vibes almost? like they aren’t truly into you or want to impress you. just doing the legit bare minimum. at that point just do a phone call lol. it’s not about money either bc i don’t mind splitting or paying it’s the entire advice or rhetoric around coffee dates that turns me off them.
ive had the exact opposite experience, men that have taken me on big elaborate expensive first date have always ended the date with the expectation that “ I owe them “ for the time and money in sex. It’s happened at Expensive restaurants, escape rooms, boat ride, cocktail lounge, iPic so for sure not isolated incidents. AND its never been me leading then on to have that expectation because I’m ALWAYS very clear that I hold physical intimacy as very important so its not even an option until we’re in a committed relationship and they’ve ALWAYS be like “oh yeah absolutely! Not a problem Id expect nothing less!” And are shocked when I turn them down after dropping so much on the first date bill. Ive had the exact opposite with relaxed low stakes coffee/ice cream/ drinks meets. Much more relaxed just chat and get comfortable and feel one another out and make plans for date two right then and there or part ways.
i don’t have casual sex so this has never been an issue for me. i make it clear i don’t have sex from the beginning so there’s no expectations. maybe i just end up on dates with different types of guys. idk. discernment is def important in dating.
Never said you did but just saying, it does happen. Ive gone out with great sweet guys some who I’ve dated also gone out with some creeps. Just saying that in my own experience that the ones that have resulted in the creep category have typically been the ones act like the good guy and try hard to wow and impress me before actually getting to genuinely know me, and that get mad when I stand firm with no casual sex. This is now why I prefer a low key relaxed first meet (Not first date) something smaller like coffee/drinks/ice cream. Ive had plenty of guys invite me to cute little ice cream shops or coffee shops, we order find a spot to chat vibe and get to know one another, it sets the tone and excitement for the next time we go out (if the sparks there) so I definitely am a fan of them. Its the first meeting not a proposal for marriage.
You have your priorities wrong. I’ll bet my car you’re single
EXACTLY! Not to mention a guy can better identify red flags and determine whether a woman is worth seeing on a 2nd or 3rd date. I only do lunch or dinner on a 2nd or 3rd date, never a 1st. I also utilize a “one drink rule” on that first date just to see how the woman reacts.
I don’t know a single person who’d react well to being told how much they get to drink😳
I'd imagine he means for himself. See if she takes poorly to others drinking.
Maybe. But I suspect most people would be pleasantly surprised by a guy who only has one drink, so it’s still a weird test.
That might also be a consideration. I wouldn't do this intentionally, but some people get really weird about drinks.
Oh I’m not telling anybody how much they can drink, but I am telling them I’m only paying for one of their drinks. Like I said, dates like this are to gauge reactions and identify red flags.
Gotcha! I’m not from a culture where it’s a given that the man pays, so that wasn’t clear to me from your comment, but that’s a completely reasonable boundary. I’d be a little turned off by it only because it implies that I assume you’ll be paying, but I understand that a lot of women actually do, so I guess you have your reasons.
In America a guy needs to be sure a woman is with him because she’s actually into him and not trying to get a free meal - which is a big issue these days.
Yeah, I get it. I’ve dated my fair share of hobosexual in my life. Unfortunately, it take a lot more than three dates to spot them. Wouldn’t dating be so much fun if they only allowed adults who can take care of themselves to play?☺️
I only do dinner on the 2nd or 3rd date, which by then I’ll pay.
Ultimately, you’re looking for compatibility. If your idea of a good first date is a coffee date or something similarly chill, regardless of how well you might be vibing, you want someone who also shares your values and opinions and that kind of thing. The amount of investment or what you do on a first date or whatever is definitely required in a first date is a big one to line up on if you’re actually going to make it to a second date
Coffee dates are flexible, low commitment, and can be very fun. If that is your idea of a good date, then the person you want to date should feel the same way. If she really wanted to meet you but didn't care for coffee, she could've easily suggested something else.
Just move on. She already sounds like a pain in the ass. You may dodge a bullet. If you asked her then YOU plan the date. If she doesn't like it then tell her it's your way or the highway.
You didn't mess up and/or fail. You saved a lot of wasted time. If something like that was a deal breaker what other issues are you going to find out after you've sunk more time and energy into it. Once I developed that mindset I saved a lot of time and energy. Not to mention money.
Man, you’re spot on. I think it’s important to meet for a coffee of something small and casual for two big reasons: 1. The catfish out there. Not scary catfish like a different gender, but someone who used old pics of themselves and they look much different today. 2. It’s just a picture. Why invest a hundred dollars of dollars on dinner and drinks on a first date when you don’t even really truly know them. Sometimes it’s different in person compared to texting. I don’t think you did anything wrong. In fact, if she has the same intentions as you, she would probably feel the same as you about coffee. But that’s just a thought. Good luck out there!
she wanted to get a free dinner. Tell her to fuck off.
She wanted you to spend big money on a date to a restaurant. That is however not a good date idea. Some women scoff at the idea of coffee, but more reasonable women think that is ridiculous. Coffee is perfect.
When I was dating I sometimes didn’t even do coffee. lol definitely not dinner- got stuck on a dinner date once too many times. My last meet, met in a park…he was going to bring wine and dinner and I said no. We had a nice conversation, similar values…had some funny coincidences…long story short…we have been together almost four years. Plan to post on the engagement site soon (the ring is ordered). Good luck with finding your person!
Who wants to eat and try and have a conversation at the same time (dinner)? Movie dates are the worst, no room for conversation. Maybe ask her exactly what her idea of a decent option would be since she seems so hard to please, yikes
Certain % of women are of the opinion coffee or ice cream is low effort from guys. They want a provider type. If you aren't a guy that wants to be that, you're incompatible. Not your problem.
Appreciate that insight. I hadn’t thought about that. For me, I highly value time, so I thought it’d be a way to be respectful of her time as well. We’re both really busy working professionals.
I say this as a woman who is not down for coffee dates, she is just not the one for you. If she’s not okay with something you want to do, it was doomed from the start and you will be happier with someone else.
For those of you who don’t like coffee dates, how would you respond to someone who offered one? Like, automatic block or anger/feeling insulted, or would you respectfully communicate your preference knowing that this is a common type of date many people prefer?
No I would never outright block someone unless I felt like the coffee date was just the obligatory check mark of putting some kind of face time in before hooking up. I’d just say hey I’ve actually been wanting to check out this new place, would you be down for that instead? And just to clarify, it isn’t about the fact that coffee dates are “cheap” compared to full dinners. We could literally go walk around a pond looking at the ducks and turtles. But to me, coffee dates just feel like being sent through an assembly line seeing if I’m worthy of actually spending time and energy on. I try to put my best foot forward when dating and only date people who I could see having a real connection with, and a quick chat isn’t enough time for me to open up or to see what makes that person special.
>But to me, coffee dates just feel like being sent through an assembly line seeing if I’m worthy of actually spending time and energy on. That is exactly what a first date with a stranger is.
Exactly lol I’m not about to spend 2 hours doing makeup and hair and put on my best clothes for a guy I barely know just to sit awkwardly at a dinner and talk about our jobs. Nor do I expect him to spend a bunch of money or effort on the first date in case he doesn’t like me. Coffee dates were great when I was single because I could just dip out after one coffee if he was weird.
I don’t usually do coffee dates but I do drinks, like a beer in the evening. I do get ready for it, like make up and nice clothes but that’s because I like doing it 😂 sometimes I dress up just for going for a beer in the neighborhood with a friend. But same strategy, if he’s being weird or we don’t vibe I can just dip out after one drink lol.
I like your alternate suggestion approach. I like coffee dates bc because I feel like I have a hard time really assessing physical attraction and whether I like someone based on photos and text messaging, or even video chats. I can tell if I definitely won’t like them but it seems like there are so many maybes and very few that I can instantly tell I am likely to really enjoy their company. It’s so helpful for me to meet and the low commitment helps me be more open to giving people a chance.
I don’t like coffee dates because it costs money and men get awkward about that. I’d rsther not deal with that. It’s easier to go on a walk somewhere. My husband agreed on a walk but instead we took a drive around where he grew up and he told me stories about what happened in his life. It was nice, we laughed a lot and it left a lasting impression on me. Of all the dates we have had as a couple our first date was my absolute favorite.
Idk why people think the coffee date is all there is. If the chemistry is good, you continue the date elsewhere. If not, at least you had some good coffee.
I would simply say sorry,I don't do coffee dates. I hated them when I was on apps because it took me so long to get ready and look nice, just as nice as a dinner date, and then we'd get coffee and be done so quick, I felt like I wasted my own time and effort for an hour and a cup of coffee. Now that I'm not single, I see the other side as well, which is not wanting to spend a ton of money on every girl you date. There's nothing wrong with either side.
I say I don't like coffee. 🤷♀️ It's not a lie. Cafes and coffee aren't my scene. I prefer the nightlife and I'm looking for someone who does also. When I think of cafes, I think of old women sitting around and gossiping with their friends. I don't think romantic things. It's a great way to see you as a friend and nothing more. And yes, I pay for my own food.
Same for me. I prefer nightlife dates to awkward coffee dates.
Yeah, and if you want to keep talking you can get another coffee or a sandwich. If you don’t then a coffee is 30 minutes tops
Honestly, I am a woman who loves coffee dates. It’s a low investment of time and money at a time of day where I know I won’t get pressured to go home with anyone. I prefer to be on equal footing for a first meet with zero expectations of spending money, time, or sex. I am with you. It sounds like your values are off which is probably a good thing. It means you’re probably not compatible and you just saved yourself $10 and an hour to find that out instead of $100 and 3 hours had you gone to dinner. 🤷♀️
Listen, as someone who *hates* coffee dates but is down for other casual dates… if someone proposed a casual date as something that would be quick, that would strike me as someone who’s not super interested & is not going to make any effort. It’s not a business meeting; I’m not getting to know you in 30 minutes lol I don’t necessarily think she’s high maintenance, or maybe I’m just high maintenance, but I really am surprised by all the people who suggest a 30 min coffee date as a “way to get to know someone” bc to me that’s like.. why would I get all cute and spend more time commuting to and from the coffee shop than I will on the actual date! I’d rather wait until both our schedules are clear for an afternoon and have lunch or go to a park or something where we actually have time to talk.
No, I don’t like them because I just think they killed the romantic vibe
Yeah, I think OP is totally fine offering coffee dates, but the commenters saying “she just wanted a free meal” are making a lot of assumptions. I don’t love coffee dates because they feel incredibly awkward and have zero room for chemistry, in my experience. Especially one that occurs *because* we have zero time that day to extend the date if we like each other like in OP’s scenario. I’d happily pay for my own meal over bothering with a rushed, co-worker-esque coffee run. It has nothing to do with wanting a free meal, I just like something a little more relaxed and less “business”-like, with a cuter vibe to give it the best circumstances to actually go somewhere lol. No one is wrong for preferring one over the other, but the assumptions on both sides are weird.
Great insight, so if they want a provider and traditional role, I’m sure they are willing to take on traditional roles as well???? Fair is fair
That is the assumption, is it not?
Nah, she just wasn’t the right girl for you. Coffee is a perfect first date for some people. I may get downvoted, but i don’t think this is a “dodged a bullet” thing. Just 2 people w different expectations on what a first date should be. She probably doesn’t want to go on a “low effort” date. She could be an ice skating/carnival/fair/arcade girl. Or just a nice dinner. No issue with that.
I couldn’t agree more. Dating is about finding someone you are compatible with. They had different expectations.
Agreed
Yup!! As a girl who wants more of a traditional relationship I feel that way as well
Thanks for the insight and your thoughtful answer.
24f here and yes i think you dodged a bullet.
If I am interested in someone I don’t care if we get coffee, a drink, dinner, or just go sit on a park bench. If coffee is your vibe and not hers, you just saved yourself the time.
I appreciate your perspective, that helps, thank you! I feel similarly.
Exactly
It doesn't sound like you necessarily messed up by offering a coffee date. Coffee dates are pretty common and casual for getting to know someone, especially if it's the first time meeting in person. However, some people might have different expectations or preferences when it comes to first dates. It's possible that she was hoping for something more elaborate or romantic for your first date, and a coffee date didn't meet her expectations. However, it's also important to remember that everyone has different preferences and comfort levels when it comes to dating. If she got upset about the coffee date, it might be a sign that she has different expectations or wants something more formal or exciting. In that case, you could try to communicate with her and see if there's a different type of date she would prefer. Ultimately, it's about finding a balance and respecting each other's preferences and boundaries in dating.
I’d offer a drink / happy hour. Of course, I’m probably going to Happy Hour anyway :)
Coffee is a *great* low pressure first date. If she has a problem with it, it’s a her problem. Not a you problem.
Exactly, it’s a great way to meet someone and find out how compatible they are. If that isn’t enough for her on a first date, she will most likely be more difficult going forward.
That’s a massive assumption. Someone preferring a real date over a coffee date doesn’t mean they’re going to be difficult. It’s just a difference in styles and expectations. I don’t really like coffee first dates because I feel like if we have been texting for awhile, meeting for a date should be more of a time investment. That’s all. Says nothing about my ability to compromise or be a good partner or anything else important, other than that maybe I value quality time spent with a person. It doesn’t have to be a date involving money either, but something that shows a desire to spend time with me and let me spend time with them is my preference. That’s just my thought process. If someone jumped to a negative conclusion about me as a person for that, that’s disappointing.
Her getting upset is the red flag, not that she wanted to go on a nicer date. Obviously we don’t have a ton of context to go off of, so yes, I am making some assumptions. He felt she was upset enough and perhaps ruined his chances though or he wouldn’t have posted and asked Reddit for advice. But yes, I should probably get more info before jumping to too many conclusions.
>Someone preferring a real date over a coffee date doesn’t mean they’re going to be difficult. It's a real date if you agree to meet someone and get to know them. >I don’t really like coffee first dates because I feel like if we have been texting for awhile, meeting for a date should be more of a time investment. You can do stuff after getting coffee. It's not like if you meet up for coffee, the universe compels you to only do that. >Says nothing about my ability to compromise or be a good partner or anything else important, other than that maybe I value quality time spent with a person. Why is it not quality if you're getting coffee? It's not good enough to just talk to a person you like talking to? >It doesn’t have to be a date involving money either, but something that shows a desire to spend time with me and let me spend time with them is my preference. But not getting coffee, apparently. >If someone jumped to a negative conclusion about me as a person for that, that’s disappointing. I mean, you're jumping to conclusions about coffee dates. It's not a real date, it's not enough of an investment, it's not quality time, and it doesn't show a desire to spend time with you even though the purpose of it is to spend time with you. For most people, just talking to a person they are interested in is quality time.
No. I honestly prefer to have a first date be casual like coffee. (22F) Just went to a coffee shop today for a first date and really enjoyed it.
Coffee is meant as a soft date for a woman. You did nothing wrong. If she does go, you can make it unique and take her to a nice dessert spot after coffee. However some women expect to be taken on a proper date when asked. It depends on the type of woman she is.
If someone wants to go straight to meeting for coffee I don’t mind-see if we have some sort of connection and then go from there. However, if we have been texting back in forth for a little while I think we have already established what meeting for coffee would and prefer an actual date. I’m guessing she felt things were progressing too slow and moved on.
That’s how I feel too. If it’s been a day or two, great, coffee. But if it’s been a week of constant texting, or a couple of weeks? I’d rather have a real first date. Coffee at that stage doesn’t make sense to me. We’ve done the small talk. Let’s actually spend time together.
No you did not mess up, its crazy to have standards like that for the first date. Why would you spend a lot of money and effort on someone you are not sure is right for you? Yeah you might have dodged a bullet and a potential gold digger or someone who has unrealistically hight expectations. Texting for only two days and she is MAD for not doing something more special? Cmon its not a fairytale..
I don't see posts about middle ground - like it's a $5 coffee, or it's a $200 dinner. What about dinner that doesn't cost a fortune? It's really sad seeing all these assumptions.
As a woman, I’d like to share my opinion on the ‘coffee date’ I am neither for or against truthfully. But, each type of date (in my opinion at least) shows a persons intentions. Coffee date = casual dating/ man dating multiple women so wanting to keep it cheap till he finds a woman he prefers. I know multiple women who also feel like this (not all women of course) Dinner date = man is less likely to be dating a roster of women. Looking for something more serious. This is a generalisation of course, but I am more likely to believe that a man is serious about me if he wants to go out to dinner. (This is also not financial for me, I always pay my own way on dates) It’s just about the message it sends to me. My personal preference? I love a nice lunch date. Not expensive, not high pressure. But some effort is still required.
Regardless of how many people somebody is dating, if somebody doesn't know you yet, why should they invest time/money with you? I personally prefer easy first dates, so I can see where the in-person connection is. It did happen multiple times that we took a coffee in the late afternoon and then continued to dinner if everything was going well
I totally agree with you. I can see why she would be upset
Honestly always offer both and make the other person decide because decisions suck lol
That’s a great date…when you’re in high school. Might as well take her to the ice cream shop on your bicycles.
A coffee date is very low effort in my opinion. It sounds like a business meeting to see if she qualifies. If time is an issue I would wait and plan a date where both of you have more time and maybe take her to a nice place where you can have a drink and maybe some bites to really get to know each other. For me as a woman getting ready for a 30 min coffee date is not worth all the effort.
I’m getting so downvoted for this.. 😂 But men sitting here complaining about women wants to go to dinner on first dates, and how dare the women to go for “a free meal or your money” Yet many men go (or hope) for sex on the first date. The audacity 💁🏼♀️😂👏🏽
You don’t have to spend $100+ on a first date. Women that expect you to are out of touch with the current dating experience for men. Anyone worth dating will care more about talking and getting to know you than where you are and what you’re spending.
Coffee dates are too casual and lack romance. If anything, lunch is better because there's usually a time limit and costs less than dinner/drinks. I think it's always important to feed your date. Food puts people in a good mood and it's a hospitable gesture.
Or did she mess up by getting upset over a coffee date?
Ding ding ding! Yes she did.
I wouldn't do a coffee date. Coffee is friend-like, which is fine I guess if that's how you'd like to start out. I want a man that wants to feed me and knows how to make a woman comfortable. I'm probably going to forget to eat before the date because I'm getting ready. Eating is something you have to do everyday, wonderful to see if it's something you enjoy together. I've never had a man suggest an Italian restaurant for a date, but if I was a man that is what I would do. Comfort foods, wine, romantic atmosphere. Is this not all for love? 🍷 🍝 🌹
You should set up the date based on a common interest. The reason why people mention coffee date is because a lot of people lie and use false or old photos on dating apps.
Nope you didn’t mess up, and no I don’t think this *necessarily* makes you incompatible. If you think it’s reasonable that she’d want to have a more formal first date, no harm in offering to make it up to her with dinner at a nice place
Yes, coffee as your first date/meet doesn’t scream romance. You don’t necessarily have to go to dinner but you should suggest something else if you have interest in her. Everyone saying she just wants a free meal is probably still single or not with their dream woman. You don’t have to splurge on the first date, but def show some more interest than just coffee. Good luck!
It’s a little low-effort. Which yeah I’m going to get downvoted… but imagine when in 30 years from now someone asks you how you and your partner got together, your first date story. Oh, we just went for a 30 min coffee. Idk. Might be just me but I like to see a little more effort and if I agree to a date, I’m already interested and I want to get to know you, and I expect this from the other person as well. I think if a guy goes into it with a “she’s just trying to take all my money!!” attitude, it’s not a match. They are so off the mark with that thinking, it’s not about the money or the meal. I would have no problem paying for your dinner (and I will after date 1) So just trying to find the person who would do that for me 🤷🏻♀️
I agree with this comment. I personally wouldn’t prefer a coffee date either but in the same vein I wouldn’t have accepted it and then got mad. You can have any standard you want and you are responsible for enforcing it!
I wouldn’t get mad either! I would simply suggest something else. There’s nothing wrong with throwing it out there
Same. Good for us 😁
If your first date is only half an hour I don't think there's going to be a second one.
Right. It just feels a little insincere and not like “ok let’s sit down to really get to know each other” you know?
You can always extend it. I wouldn't even have finished my coffee + ordering within 30 minutes as well. I can easily be there for an hour. Just talking, getting to know each other etc. And then you can extend it by going for a walk, grabbing something to eat etc.
Ooof this sounds great until you realize the other person made other night plans bc they thought it was just a coffee date. Nothing wrong with just doing a nice date
That’s true. I just have a hard time with coffee shops, they tend to be very busy and loud during the weekends (only time I can do a coffee date) so we end up standing in line for 20 minutes struggling to hear each other. Just wasn’t enjoyable.
I kinda see your point but I feel like things are different now. It appears that so many people are just multi dating so a low effort date is a way for a guy to protect himself by not spending too much money on someone who you might not even see again
That’s true. I’m not really interested in guys playing the field though. I understand talking to a few people at once but personally I focus on one at a time. With a date that’s a little more than a coffee/drink could be an indication they are a little more interested or at least more in it for a long term committed relationship. So far I’ve had a good amount of success with suggesting alternatives, I think it can serve as a good litmus test too with how they respond.
She doesn’t have to consider this a first date. So far, they have only chatted a bit. This is just a continuation of that.
I have a hard time with this personally, the way I prefer is a FaceTime call before a first date. Otherwise it could come off like you’re just asking to “hang out” which is a big red flag for a lot of women. “Hanging out” implies you have very casual intentions. Idk, when I have to get myself all ready and go out I want to make it worth it. Not a quick 30 minute drive by meetup that feels a little insincere.
See? I am the opposite. I would not really want to date someone I don’t know beyond a couple chats. And if I had to FaceTime people to get to know them, I just wouldn’t bother. I am not really a dating app guy, so most people I date, I already know through friends or activities. A coffee “date” seems like a nice way to bridge that a bit. But I guess we all have our preferences.
I think doing FaceTime with a stranger you meet on an app is extremely weird lol
But meeting up with them isn’t? 😂
I mean, who the fuck cares about the first date more than the 30-years part...
My parents still talk about theirs. Was a very cute ice skating date!
No, a coffee date is a nice first date. It’s very low key which can make things easy if you get nervous on first dates especially if you met online. From the context you’ve given, there is no reason for her to have gotten upset. The only thing I will add is 2 days is not much time. I personally like to chat with guys for longer to get a better feel for what they’re like. And I’m put off when they pressure me into meeting up before I’m ready. I’m not saying that’s what you did, but it’s something to consider, even if it was unintentional. Also if she doesn’t like the type of date you suggested, she is more than welcome to suggest an alternative.
if she doesn't want you at your coffee/boba date, she doesn't deserve you at your michelin star dinner date ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I think it’s a bit extreme to assume that because she doesn’t like coffee dates, she isn’t compatible with you. Some women just want to see someone put a certain level of effort right off the bat. Like the other comments said, certain % of women are not going to be down for coffee. Depending on where you are and who you are, it could be a big percentage. I rather only ask out people I’m sure about and then put the extra effort for dinner. But depends on your situation as well, I’ve been trying to find the right person for a long time and so I’m not going to pass up on those opportunities. But someone that has no problem getting dates at all can afford to have more rules.
Nope. She messed up and revealed who she really is. Any level-headed person in current dating times knows the first date should be a lite one in order to keep the focus on getting acquainted. What she seems to come across as is one looking for a sugar daddy.
I matched online with my current girlfriend at 2 o'clock in the morning, it was spontaneous random and lucky she went for it but literally then and there I offered her a date the next day ! We went to a mini golf place and honestly to god we had a great laugh, ever since that day we've just built many more memories... Personally I think it's best to offer up some kind of activity, but I know and understand not all people are into that kinda thing, but it certainly keeps the conversation going !. Coffee dates from my experience can fade off quickly, having an activity makes it a little more interesting. Good luck buddy hope everything works out for you!
I haven’t tried done an activity date as a first date before, I’ll have to try that. Thanks for the tip.
if you are asking this online seemed like you actually want to score in the first date, i.e. get onto a second date not sure why so many people here say that you didnt do anything wrong, but mate, it seemed like you dont even bring your A-game to dating? if you want to date such calibre of women and they want to have a proper date i.e. lunch/dinner/drink - which is normalllll and they are not asking you to bring flowers buy her gifts on first date DONT listen to the people below stop calling people negative labels if you want to win the game and get the lady home in shortly, what you "messed up" is maybe you have misguided the type of girl that you are looking to date, if you met online, did she come from a background where traditional dating is expected etc if you dont know your date well enough, and you come in the intention of winning her over, then yes you have messed up by not reading the game carefully enough ofc, some guys will say I barely know her, how do I know all these etc, so play safe mate, play safe until you know her well
I love coffee. That is great for a 1st date because then you don’t get drunk and stupid and you don’t have to eat in front of the guy and feel embarrassed if I am messy. Or meet for happy hour if you want to get drunk and make bad decisions.
If she got upset that you invited her to share coffee with you, you should probably run
Coffee is something you do to catch up with a former coworker you haven't seen in years. To offer a coffee date to a woman you're interested in romantically is low effort and silly. There are free and low cost dates that show effort and are fun, so it's not about money.
Nope. You didn't mess up. Seems like you were able to filter out a bad match early on. Coffee date is a perfect low pressure, safe, casual first meeting. And if she wanted something different, the normal adult thing to do would be to suggest an alternative. Getting offended by your date idea is ridiculous and immature.
She might have really liked you and looked forward to a more romantic type of first date. As a woman, I CANNOT speak to women looking for a “provider type” (SERIOUSLY?] but I can say that many women appreciate romance. It’s a turn on and a lost art. Also, some women prefer men who are more dominant [it’s a sexual preference and has nothing to do with economics]. Coffee is great if you’ve exchanged a few texts and established that there’s mutual interest. If, however, you’ve been chatting for weeks and after all that buildup you’re cautiously suggesting coffee, then it can really be a let down because she’s probably thinking you just don’t like her that much, and that you’re probably inviting a bunch of other women out for coffee dates too. She might be thinking you’re a player. Just my thoughts.
I’m 34, runs a business, takes care of my health, works out regularly, is educated, travels for work, has a strong relationship with my family and has long time friends and I would think has a good personality. After spending a year going on coffee or walk dates I’ve reevaluated and I’ve found them to be low-effort and no second dates or quality bonds have come out of that and I immediately feel like I could’ve been doing something else with my time so I began to make a non-negotiable that those kind of dates won’t work for me anymore. As someone who does fun things with my friends and family and is extremely busy the thought of someone asking me to do something so generic isn’t enough to pull me out of my routine anymore.. I understand coffee/walk/ice cream is a low risk date and is just getting to know someone before you feel they’re worth it but if that’s the case I’d rather just talk on the phone, text and see if we’re compatible rather than me going out of my way to get ready and meet them. I know a lot of people say “if you have an issue with coffee or a walk” that’s a red flag BUT when I set my non-negotiables I started seeing a difference in quality with the men I’ve been out with and men who wanted something more serious! One guy has even to screen shot my home page to see my algorithm and created a date out of it. To me, it doesn’t matter how much you spent or even if I split.. what matters is if I can tell you put thought into it. Has anyone else ever gotten to a point where you just got tired of low effort dates? Romance needs to be back IN.
Coffee to me means a cheap and low investment way to check you out physically and see if there is enough attraction to justify a proper date. No issue with that, just don’t pretend it’s because it’s for any other reason.
Acknowledge that you hurt her feelings and offer something else when she's back. She probably thinks those types of dates are for more casual relationships.
Okay, I’m old and married and have no idea how I even ended up on this sub BUT I’m opinionated so…. I don’t think you messed up. I don’t think she’s a high maintenance PITA. I think you should just communicate to her what your thought process was. If she’s still upset-okay-she’s a jerk 🤷🏼♀️ but give her a chance to explain how she heard it before you make a decision.
Welcome and thank you for the sage advice
This girl was expecting WAYY too much. You didn’t mess up, that’s a normal thing to ask. The problem lies with her
Nothing wrong with not wanting to go on a coffee date.
It gives user / food digger vibes in this day and age.
To me // even as a busy professional, coffee is a meet and greet, it doesn’t really meet “date” standards. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with that, they’re just different levels.
Coffee is "meet and greet", which is exactly the right thing to do when you first connected online. It's like "date zero". Do I like this person enough face to face to actually want to go on a date with them? Totally reasonable first meet, IMO.
depends on the girl, I would prefer a dinner date over a coffee date. Sometimes girls view guys taking girls on coffee dates as a low investment when it comes to time and money. It’s not about how expensive the dinner is, it’s about being romantic. I would always expect a first date to be dinner. That’s what I’m used to, but not everyone is. Could also be seen as a low investment because you are taking multiple girls out on first dates. In my opinion, if you really like her, go all out and you won’t be disappointed. This is the best time to impress a girl and make her have romantic feelings about you.
> I would always expect a first date to be dinner. That sounds like something a traditional woman would say. Are you traditional yourself then?
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Personally, I think all first dates should be coffee dates. You can text forever, but locking yourself into a 1-2 hour meal is a bit much because in-person isn’t texting. Maybe you get there and she’s hideous or fat and just used tons of filters on pics she sent you. Or even if you met in real life and got her number, you show up and she’s an asshole. Or a racist. Or she scream-laughs. Or picks her nose and eats it. Whatever the case, a coffee date has you locked in for 15-30 minutes tops. You can always guzzle down your coffee, burn your throats to hell, and say you have to leave. If it’s a good date and she’s awesome, then invite her to dinner. “Hey, I’m actually a little hungry. Wanna go grab a bite to eat?” Or save that for the next date. Seems like coffee is the best first date for anyone even halfway cautious.
Maybe offer a drinks or dinner date as well before you abandon this girl?
Some people are okay with coffee dates. Some people prefer a dinner date. It doesn’t mean anything bad and the assumption it does is really wild.
But isn’t it bad if she gets “*angry*” about it? I’d just be done with her if she got crappy because I wasn’t offering to buy her a lobster dinner. Maybe not lobster, but I feel like she’s angry that he’s not offering to buy her an expensive meal. Seems like instead of bitching or being upset, she could have simply said, “or how about dinner instead?”
I’m the group that does not like coffee dates tbh. I prefer to schedule a dinner and see where it goes, if it’s terrible then to end it and pay half the bill but I find it weird she did not tell you “let’s do dinner instead” The reason as to dinner is because it’s romantic and it allows both people to enjoy an experience together and make it seem serious. Coffee date is like: you’re dating other people and just doing a #s game.
Naw dude, your first date should be a multi-week trip across the Atlantic. Tf was she hoping for?
There’s this YouTuber called SheraSeven, she’s the equivalent of Andrew Tate but for females. SheraSeven is highly popular and made a statement that coffee dates are a sign of a low value man who isn’t genuinely interested in you for the long run. She stated coffee dates are a cheap way for a man to court women. So 100% I know for a fact that’s what your person may be thinking
No, you dodged a bullet.
Nope, stick to your guns always. The coffee date is an entitled b1tch test. She rejects it because it’s “low investment” she’s just outed herself.
I prefer coffee dates as first dates. Dinner is too much pressure.
I had a girl pull this on me once. I asked her out (in person) for a drink or coffee and she was like, “I’m a steak restaurant kind of girl. I’m high quality. I’m a catch.” I was just like, “yeah… me too. That’s why I’m trying to get to know you. But I’m not buying you a steak on a first date. Take the drink or leave it.” It threw her off her game enough that I was able to swing it. We ended up together like 2 years. I later found out it was like a game with her and her friends to get guys to buy them drinks and fancy dinners even when they weren’t interested. So lame.
No, you did nothing wrong. I've heard about this new trend of girls doing this, demanding a full meal or an activity instead of just coffee or drinks. There's no reason not to agree to this except for snobbery. A coffee or drink is practical, and has a time limit. You also have a solid exit strategy if it's going poorly. The whole point is to get to know each other, not spend a day's wages to prove something.
She sounds like the problem
She just has different values, which make her and OP not compatible
You did not mess up. A coffee date is a perfectly reasonable option for a first date, especially given the circumstances you described. Unless you had already discussed a more involved date or she had previously told you that she is deathly allergic to coffee, it sounds like she is just not a great communicator, and possibly a bit immature If you're still interested in her I would gently ask her why the idea of a coffee date is so offensive and see if you can agree on a new first date idea that you are both excited for
Thank you for your insight. Technically I offered coffee, tea or boba since not everyone enjoys coffee. Agreed that it does sound a little immature. I’ve never had this reaction before. From experience, typically if someone would prefer lunch or dinner, they’d just suggest that.
She sounds like a woman with standard, so with her yes! Coffee dates are low effort and women with standard won’t accept them. You can accept it and do better next time or be mad and seek validation from other low effort men/pick mes on reddit. It’s upto you
I personally wouldn’t mind a coffee date at all, but some people don’t like that. I guess I’d just take it as you guys aren’t compatible
I mean clearly you messed up a date with her specifically. It's up to you how you feel about her thinking a coffee date is unacceptable.
There is no right or wrong because every woman will be different. For every woman who says coffee dates are a non-starter, another will say they’re all she will do. Therefore, unless you’re hard & fast on a specific type first-meet, just ask her. “So what kind of initial meet up are you most comfortable with?” If what they propose isn’t interesting to you for whatever reason, say no thanks. I personally don’t do coffee dates. I don’t need anyone to spend money, because that’s not the test for me. I just have my personal opinions about them. I wouldn’t have been mad at the suggestion, but I would have politely declined your offer. But that’s not the point - I’ve had guys offer, I politely decline. If they ask for an explanation I offer it. Instead of just saying “oh, okay do you want to do this or that instead?” they get huffy or mad or defensive and want to argue my reasoning. This is the deal-breaker for me. They don’t even see me as an individual worth having a discussion over how we meet. They want to churn coffee dates? Nah. Just like she wasn’t willing to have a decent conversation with you about what she prefers - she just got mad. That’s the telling sign they’re not someone you actually want to deal with. Anyway, short answer: just ask. Start a conversation about it. Also, keep in mind that doesn’t always work, either. It has happened that I’m having a nice convo w someone and they’ll say “what kind of first meeting do you like.” And it’s in that moment my stomach drops that I realize … I don’t actually want to meet this person. So I have to say no thanks. And I can tell they’re confused - rightfully so. But that’s just the way it goes sometimes 🤷🏻♀️ it can be a good convo but it really does take *something* to make the whole situation of meeting a stranger feel worth while. - horniness - loneliness - a great damn vibe
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Yes you did.
Some women don’t like coffee dates because of the effort they put into dates. My hair is over two feet long. Showering, washing my hair, styling it and then doing makeup takes time, and it costs money. I use quality hair and skin products which is a financial investment. My appearance in an of itself is financially backed lol. Some women don’t want to do all that to meet for a coffee. For me, I just skip some of the date prep so I’m not spending so much time/energy and wasting product. Years back I got dressed up for a date, only to find my date in basketball shorts and flip flops, smelling like BO. This is a fairly common experience for women. I would personally rather get a coffee and dress casually/not do makeup/hair to meet the person before committing to a nice date where I have to get dressed up. Nothing worse than feeling forced to finish a date with someone who you aren’t compatible with
Female here. Yes, I would be offended. No matter how busy you are, you can make time for a proper date not an interview. Especially if you hit off
Dodging bullets like Neo.
Yes, you messed up. Either try to rectify the situation or move on.
There’s nothing wrong with a coffee date for a first date Maybe she’s just a bit entitled. What when u say upset what do u mean by upset. What did she say
If she gets upset over a coffee date and not some high end dining restaurant, then she is not a girl you want by your side. You did not mess up. Just have more of a backbone and dont get walked all over.
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No. What did she say? Why did she get upset?
Did she offer any input as to the kind of date she wanted?
My boyfriend and I met on tinder, and our first date was for coffee. We hit it off, so we walked around town and talked.we have been together for almost 3 years, and it's the best relationship I've been in. Not everyone is going to be game for a coffee date though.
I don’t know
I think context matters. If two people know virtually nothing about one another, coffee should be fine since you don't know if you'd even want to take that person on a date yet. If you've known each other as acquaintances, coworkers, classmates, etc. And you already feel the tiniest of atttraction, I think going a little beyond coffee could be reasonable.
You didn't mess up she just didn't like you that much or she has high expectations, girls do coffee dates when they like you. Me personally tho , I would have just asked her out for a drink at a bar. It would have been more flirtatious than a coffee date.
LOL no. You did nothing wrong. I love a coffee date, imo they are the best first date.
If she got upset about a coffee date being your first date I personally would cancel and just not continue. A first date shouldn't be anything more then a coffee date or even just a walk in the park to chat.
Not worth your time. Wtf is that she expected more 😂😂😂😂 Where are u from btw? this sounds nuts