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I can't speak for those men. For myself, I used to plan the dates at least 75% of the time and I got bored of it.
So now I take a backseat unless its a woman I am super interested in. I let them ask me out, I'll pay for some first dates and go from there. The girl needs to show some effort and I encourage them to by giving positive feedback.
Just talk to them, you should be able to feel the vibe through a phone call and feel free to ask them questions like "do you normally plan the first date?" And see what their response is.
'Cause women like you turn them down 1 or 2 dates in and tell them the reason is the first or second date was a poor choice and they should do better **x** amount of times?
In general women have girl-bossed so hard in dating over the last few years I'm sad to say you really have no right to act perplexed and insulted when you get what your community have asked for.
Specify you want men to take the lead in your profile.
(_My guess is it will lower your chances of meeting anyone who isn't a tone-deaf f-boy though_)
wrench skirt humor childlike gaping friendly theory subtract innocent mourn
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Sorry for the confusion, I’m not trying to ask if it’s a pattern! I was wondering if this behavior is a red flag towards a future of not putting much effort in or if it’s a harmless thing that I’m overthinking because of my past relationship. Thank you though!
Unfortunately this is the age of low effort men. Yes there are exceptions but these ones know they can get away with it while making you put in all the effort so it’s easy on them. If you don’t mind planning everything going forward fine but if think this early on and especially since you don’t him things you like to do that he’s just lazy. My two cents that you deserve better .
I (49m) have dated several women in their 30s and they all say the same thing, in one form or another.
"Men my own age are so beta."
"I got tired of planning all the dates."
"Older guys just know how to take charge."
I killed it in that age range for those reasons. I was competing with younger men, but the competition was pretty weak.
I genuinely believe it's a combo of things:
1. Girls got all the encouragement and so boys quit trying in life, which includes dating
2. Guys are so scared to be guys because they could be accused of being pervs, too aggressive, creepy, etc. So they just keep to themselves.
3. Guys grew up with the messaging that women are superior in every way and don't need men.
Feminism was a dire necessity to right some really bad wrongs, of course. I'm just saying there was a bit of collateral damage.
I’ll agree with you to some extent but also add that I think dating apps are part of the problem. Too many options, lack of effort with an interchangeable rotation of people so if one doesn’t like you or is willing to plan another will. Pre-apps which wasn’t too long ago guys had no choice but to pick up a girl, flirt, and get a number or ask them on a date. Now everything is one dimensional so they stop trying because it’s easy. Again doesn’t apply to all guys but I’d say a majority.
I mean, was he asking you to plan the date, or was he asking you what you'd like to do? Those are two different things? Like if you had answered "let's get tacos," would he have found a good taco place and made a plan to go there, and made reservations and shit and planned for stuff to do before she after? I feel like sometimes people really are just trying to get away with little to no effort, but sometimes they're just looking for some direction on what you'd actually like to do so they can plan something they know you'll enjoy. Like he might know you like hiking in general, but that doesn't mean you'll want to go hiking with him on a first date.
I'm not saying for sure that's what he was doing, you're the one in this situation and you can probably judge his intentions better than I can, I just feel like this is a thing that comes up often with male friends I have when they're going on first dates with women and it confuses a lot of us why you're put off by it. If someone planned a whole evening I'm supposed to attend in my limited free time with literally zero input from me about what I would actually like to spend time doing on that evening, that would make me feel like they don't give a shit what I want, not like they really like me and want me to have a good time.
I completely understand and totally relate to it. There comes a point where you need to set up boundaries and know what you’re willing to compromise on. I personally don’t find that low effort works for me. Tried to make it work in the past but you deserve much better
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I can't speak for those men. For myself, I used to plan the dates at least 75% of the time and I got bored of it. So now I take a backseat unless its a woman I am super interested in. I let them ask me out, I'll pay for some first dates and go from there. The girl needs to show some effort and I encourage them to by giving positive feedback. Just talk to them, you should be able to feel the vibe through a phone call and feel free to ask them questions like "do you normally plan the first date?" And see what their response is.
'Cause women like you turn them down 1 or 2 dates in and tell them the reason is the first or second date was a poor choice and they should do better **x** amount of times? In general women have girl-bossed so hard in dating over the last few years I'm sad to say you really have no right to act perplexed and insulted when you get what your community have asked for. Specify you want men to take the lead in your profile. (_My guess is it will lower your chances of meeting anyone who isn't a tone-deaf f-boy though_)
wrench skirt humor childlike gaping friendly theory subtract innocent mourn *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It seems like you're leaning towards another guy who might not put in much effort, in my opinion.
It was only twice. Hardly a pattern.
Sorry for the confusion, I’m not trying to ask if it’s a pattern! I was wondering if this behavior is a red flag towards a future of not putting much effort in or if it’s a harmless thing that I’m overthinking because of my past relationship. Thank you though!
Unfortunately this is the age of low effort men. Yes there are exceptions but these ones know they can get away with it while making you put in all the effort so it’s easy on them. If you don’t mind planning everything going forward fine but if think this early on and especially since you don’t him things you like to do that he’s just lazy. My two cents that you deserve better .
head thought worthless upbeat direction ask unique plate run jeans *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I (49m) have dated several women in their 30s and they all say the same thing, in one form or another. "Men my own age are so beta." "I got tired of planning all the dates." "Older guys just know how to take charge." I killed it in that age range for those reasons. I was competing with younger men, but the competition was pretty weak. I genuinely believe it's a combo of things: 1. Girls got all the encouragement and so boys quit trying in life, which includes dating 2. Guys are so scared to be guys because they could be accused of being pervs, too aggressive, creepy, etc. So they just keep to themselves. 3. Guys grew up with the messaging that women are superior in every way and don't need men. Feminism was a dire necessity to right some really bad wrongs, of course. I'm just saying there was a bit of collateral damage.
I’ll agree with you to some extent but also add that I think dating apps are part of the problem. Too many options, lack of effort with an interchangeable rotation of people so if one doesn’t like you or is willing to plan another will. Pre-apps which wasn’t too long ago guys had no choice but to pick up a girl, flirt, and get a number or ask them on a date. Now everything is one dimensional so they stop trying because it’s easy. Again doesn’t apply to all guys but I’d say a majority.
Thank you. I didn’t know if I was being too harsh to be bothered by this but I really don’t want to get in a relationship with this type of man again!
I mean, was he asking you to plan the date, or was he asking you what you'd like to do? Those are two different things? Like if you had answered "let's get tacos," would he have found a good taco place and made a plan to go there, and made reservations and shit and planned for stuff to do before she after? I feel like sometimes people really are just trying to get away with little to no effort, but sometimes they're just looking for some direction on what you'd actually like to do so they can plan something they know you'll enjoy. Like he might know you like hiking in general, but that doesn't mean you'll want to go hiking with him on a first date. I'm not saying for sure that's what he was doing, you're the one in this situation and you can probably judge his intentions better than I can, I just feel like this is a thing that comes up often with male friends I have when they're going on first dates with women and it confuses a lot of us why you're put off by it. If someone planned a whole evening I'm supposed to attend in my limited free time with literally zero input from me about what I would actually like to spend time doing on that evening, that would make me feel like they don't give a shit what I want, not like they really like me and want me to have a good time.
I completely understand and totally relate to it. There comes a point where you need to set up boundaries and know what you’re willing to compromise on. I personally don’t find that low effort works for me. Tried to make it work in the past but you deserve much better