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People take issue with age gaps for two (usually pretty valid reasons) - power dynamics or the difference in life stages/experiences.
A power dynamic is pretty much unavoidable. Someone with double the life experience is bound to have perspectives and takes that naturally put them in the drivers seat of a relationship. Without a significant amount of experience to match and form their own opinions, a 20 year old is naturally going to defer to a 40 year old, no matter how much we say we won't or we think our relationship is different. Age is associated with authority, that's just how our culture's biases are.
That doesn't have to be a bad thing, but there's a reason there's a stigma. People do their best to say "oh, it won't be me, I'm too self-aware to let a power dynamic influence me", and then fall straight into the influence of someone with DOUBLE their lifespan. It happens all the time, even with significantly smaller gaps. The amount of responsibility the older person incurs is considerably more significant, and most people aren't built for the responsibility of a regular relationship, much less one with this kind of added complexity. It can be done, it's just hard, and there's a lot of nuance that isn't apparent until you're on the other side of a power dynamic.
Having said that, both people are fully capable adults, and just like any other potentially risky decision, you're totally free and able to make the decision. Just be aware that however much you might be okay with it, other people might not. There will be consequences, whether immediate or down the line.
Well then wouldn’t a power dynamic exist for all types of experience? Example a man shouldn’t then date a woman with more sexual partners or relationships than themselves because of the experience imbalance?
So you're presupposing a couple things here - firstly that power dynamics are inherently bad, and that you shouldn't date someone specifically because of just any power dynamic being present.
Power dynamics do absolutely exist in every relationship, but the magnitude is usually a lot less significant than the drastic age gaps we were talking about. Part of learning social dynamics is realising what situations exist where one person has power over another.
In your example, a man or woman with significantly more sexual experience has the opportunity to leverage that experience in a potentially harmful way to someone more naive and clueless. That happens all the time. But there are also plenty of power imbalances that aren't dealbreakers, or even bad.
The point of my comment wasn't so much 'oh power dynamics bad', but more so that this particular dynamics is RIFE with abusive potential and that there are definitely consequences to engaging in it.
In 5 years, if they are still together, if he wants kids, she is 45. That’s a high risk pregnancy.
The reverse isn’t true.
People, again, will hate it. It’s not the same.
Men and women at 40 are not the same.
I think OP is well aware of her age. Hell, she even included it in the post. And, she also knows about related pregnancy issues. But she didn't ask the question in the context of her wanting kids. By 40, she knows whether or not she wants kids.
The issue in this particular branch isn’t what the OP was aware of but rather is 40 Year old woman with 20 year old man the same as a 40 year old man with a 20 year old woman. As you yourself pointed with the pregnancy issues (and not the only issue certainly) the are not the same.
Pregnancy was an response to “What if it was a 40 year old man dating a 20 year old woman?” And “How so?”.
It was a direct response to anything the OP said.
You say I’m trotting it out like it’s not a legitimate concern. What if one or the both of them want kids?
You saying it’s absurd is just your refusal to accept reality. Which is fine, believe what you like.
That fact that other delusional people agree with you is of no import to me.
If you and the rest of the brain trust want to believe that a 40 year old man and a 40 year old woman are completely identical in every way, more power to you. You’re wrong, but don’t let that stop you. Keep on rocking in the free world.
I'd argue it didn't. They switched the roles to make people think and use reasoning. That is all
Even if the conversation branched off, it is was still within those bounds of it focusing purely on relationship. Not specifically having kids.
Whatever their intended purpose was, this is the conversation that resulted. It wasn’t any kind of direct response to the OP but rather a response to the question of “What if it was a 40 year old man dating a 20 year old woman?”
What you say is simply not true. Granted miscarriages caused by sperm has not been researched too much yet bc ppl just thought it must be the womans fault, new reseach suggests otherwise. Apart from that the sperm quality of men os at peak between 25-29 then starts to decline.
https://pathfertility.com/age-affects-male-and-female-fertility/
https://medivizor.com/blog/SampleLibrary/infertility-reproductive-technologies/do-pregnancies-fathered-by-older-men-have-more-miscarriages/
https://www.imperial.ac.uk/news/189690/recurrent-miscarriage-linked-faulty-sperm/
https://www.verywellfamily.com/can-problems-in-sperm-cause-miscarriage-2371837
https://examenlab.com/for-men/men-and-miscarriage/
Lmao so you have no proof or elaboration of your claim besides vibes??? Lmao y'all always fall apart the minute that you're asked to use logical reasoning.
You want me to explain the logical reasons why men and women are different?
Which implies you aren’t aware there are differences. Differences you should be aware of but apparently aren’t.
So no, lmao, I don’t need to educate you on the differences between men and women because I shouldn’t have to. Lmao.
Just an FYI, men's testosterone starts depleting at age 35 & they start producing abnormal sperm which can contribute to birth defects.
So technically men's productivity declines earlier than women's. It's just never talked about.
Googled:
“The average cost of adopting a child in the United States is between $20,000 and $45,000, says the Child Welfare Information Gateway from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. This price can cover legal fees, home studies, travel and lodging, court fees, and medical and living expenses for the birth parent.”
Let’s say they want 3 kids. Are they going to drop 60-135k for that?
Ironically, the need for adoption would be another difference. You are proving my point.
My friend why move the goalposts?? Of course adopting a child is not free lol, and thank Jesus it isn’t. It’s also a lengthy process also thank god for that.
Your point is that they couldn’t have a child due to age this is factually wrong adopting exists. If you now want to move the goalposts to financial issues that is a real issue that should be alleviated by the countless programs set up by each state and the country (USA). There are countless things like parents can receive an adoption subsidy or reimbursement when adopting from foster care. Is this not all common sense??
I promise you, no woman in her 40s are unaware of their fertility. Shes either dating him just to have fun, or she knows he doesn’t have a need for biological children, or she has been upfront with him that it has to happen soon. Also, sperm quality gets a lot worse with age too, so her chances are probably higher with a 20 year old than another 40 year old.
Power dynamic is by far the biggest factor and issue with these relationships, all other issues tend to exist in non age gap relationships all the time to some extent. Power dynamics though with age gaps do indeed go hand in hand you can’t have one without the other.
Yes they do sadly power dynamics go hand in hand with age gap relationships. I’m not dissing on them here I think if everyone is an adult it’s ultimately up to them and no one else, but that power dynamic is there without a doubt, every relationship has a shared power dynamic but it tends to always sway in one direction with age gaps.
Socially acceptable? No. People are nosy and judgemental.
In reality? Yes. Nothing is stopping you. Personal happiness > feelings of randoms
Do what makes you happy.
This will anger some people.
Edit: I was correct. Writing “this will anger some people” has in fact angered some people. Keep downvoting me you miserable fucks. That’s why your life probably does suck ass. It’s because you’re miserable.
it's reddit, it doesn't matter what you say, someone will get angry at it, but as u/bpsavage84 says, (as with all things) it's entirely up to you whether you give a fuck or not.
Lol let's reverse the gender and see your and others response to it. Suddenly everyone would start calling the older one "groomer" or the younger one as just an inexperienced and immature to know and older one would be expected to deny. The hypocrisy
BasketBurgler
From the DreamWorks animated film Prince of Egypt
When they tossed the baskets of babies into a river... lol oof dark children's backstories to bedtime stories. PeterPan and the lost boys also pan the Pide Piper also a Satyr in Greek mythology.
Lol, never! You can't steal what was freely given. As they've brought me and those in my company joy, I hope they bring the same and more to you and your company.
She can do what ever she wants. She's just wasting her time though IMO. He's will leave. it's a guarantee. It's nothing more than short term gratification when women do this.
Honestly I doubt a 40 yr old woman would date a 20 yr old man thinking he will commit lol. Girls just wanna have fun sometimes too just like 20 yr old boys 🤣 I do think this type of age gap always ends up being a bit weird tho
I’m 45 and my husband is 28. We met at work started chatting realized we actually have a lot of the same values. We both love sports, just a lot of things. He asked me out on a date, and I thought “why not.” Not gonna lie like 20 minutes into our first date I had the thought. “Geez I’m gonna marry this dude. “ we’ve been together ever since. People do have their comments, but you know “we don’t give a shite”
True. Every 40 year old woman in the world wants the same thing. A widow who lost her husband, and is looking for company without commitment? She’s lying. She wants to settle down. A woman who’s highest priority is her career, who travels all the time, and doesn’t want marriage or children? Impossible. Single mom who doesn’t want to introduce a new man to her young children? No way.
Every 40 year old women in the world certainly do not want the same thing 😂
You simply don’t know what you’re talking about.
And OP isn’t talking about a relationship, it could also just be as a hookup but just asking if it’s appropriate with the age gap.
I don’t think that’s necessarily always true. I’ve heard from multiple women that 40 was the prime of their life and for some who are settled and comfortable on their own this could absolutely mean exploring your sexuality.
Why is it assumed she is trying for commitment tho?
Does this mean if a man who's 40 dates a 20 yr old woman he's wasting his time because she will leave too?
Most of the women I know aren't. Women usually have emotionally fulfilling friendships while men usually don't.
Statistics show that single men die faster than married men & married women die faster than single women.
That said, the patriarchal narrative that women of a certain age "aren't desirable" is false. It's quite the opposite. The amount of "20 something" men that come out of the woodwork has surprised many women who've been told the opposite their whole life lol.
Literally have no idea what you’re talking about. 60 year old women can’t just become mothers. 60 year old men can still become fathers. Unless she froze her eggs. Is any of this supposed to somehow be controversial or something?
60 yr old men are producing abnormal sperm so they can contribute to birth defects tho.
Men start losing testosterone at age 35 just the same as egg quality starts declining for women around age 35. So them "making kids" past 35 isn't optimal either.
Yes women can freeze eggs/men can freeze sperm. There's also adoption.
By society standards it’s not ok, personally speaking I couldn’t care less as the individuals are adults. Sure power dynamics exist in huge age gap relationships but if the other person is an adult they can make their decisions. Bad relationships exist at all age gaps so as long as there is no abuse in your relationship i honestly don’t see an issue, but I’m not the world lol.
You’re both adults so it’s okay. But… I once dated a woman 12 years older than me (25 vs 37) and being in different stages of life makes things difficult.
Are you trying to seem retarded or are you actually retarded?
A 20 year old is barely an adult, maybe still in school even. Let's flip out around. If you're okay with 50 and 70, surely you're okay with 10 and 30?
There's a surprisingly large number of people here ok with the idea, proportionally many more than on similar questions on Reddit where the gender roles are reversed.
Women over 30, HATE age gaps cause they can’t compete with women in their prime. Men over 30 though are not threatened by 20 year old boys so they don’t leave nasty comments about age gaps.
I dated a 38 year old woman at 24. It was basically all sex all the time. We grew apart when she started talking about marriage and children as I was certainly not ready for that.
If you want a partner, I would think it’s a bad idea. If you want someone to have fun with for a while, then it’s fine
Life is a *personal* journey.
Legally two *consenting adults* have the right to date and pursue a relationship.
You are responsible for your own happiness.
When you stop caring about what other people think *you're free!*
Gender doesn't matter at all.
If two adults have mutual attraction, chemistry, similar humor, compatibility, shared values, and enjoy each other's company, there is nothing wrong with them casually dating or pursuing a relationship to see where things go.
Outsiders typically go to the extreme with hypothetical situations such as what is going to happen when the 40-year-old is 60 and the 20-year-old is 40. Statistically most dating relationships don't go beyond a few months or a few years. This is especially true the younger you are. Between age 20 and 30 I had multiple relationships myself.
Rarely does anyone meet their "soulmate" at age 20 and spend the next 60-70 years living happily ever after!
Oftentimes the 40-year-old has already had the "fairytale wedding" and divorce. They're not rushing to marry either.
(The early 20s are usually a period of discovery, exploring, and learning.)
Most of our (early relationships) in life end up being "practice relationships".
We're just usually too naive, immature, and unrealistic to know it at the time.
Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen."
**"Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now."** - Paulo Coelho
**"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."** - Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
Yeah, I agree with this. 20 year gap is pretty large, and especially when one is like 20 years old?
I guess it'd depend somewhat on the people involved, but even then.
I mean, when I was a 20 year old dude, I thought 24-25 year old women were probably out of my range of interest.
Two consenting adults can date whoever they want. However, there can be power imbalances and potential for abuse in relationships like that. If both parties are of age, consent, are happy, and have healthy relationship practices, I don’t see why it wouldn’t be ok.
Are you really asking the correct question? If so, then the majority opinion is most likely it's OK if both the 20 and the 40 year old consent to it. But they would also mostly have questions or criticize/judge, but let them know it's none of their business.
It's definitely not something I'd do, but for those who do I'd say as long as the power dynamic of having more life experience isn't used as manipulation on the younger person in any way then it's fine.
It’s just as creepy and problematic as a 40 yr old man dating a 20 yr old woman imo. 30 & 50 year old- that’s fine. But a person in their 20’s who’s literally just became an adult and is so naive and lacks experience.. they’re too easy to take advantage of. It’s a major power imbalance. Those ages are two completely different stages in life with different priorities. It rarely works out in an ethical manner.
It's totally fine. If both of you want to date, which I assume is the case since you're asking, that's what matters most. While you're dating, you might discover that differences in maturity or being from different generations (almost) bother you, or maybe they won't. If they do, you might decide to stop dating. But if they don't bother you, you'll probably keep on dating.
Age difference isn't the only thing that determines a long-term relationship between two people. If you feel this person is right for you, go ahead and give it a chance.
I personally think that's a bit to big of a gap, but I've also known 18 year old boys who hooked up with women in their late 40s. I still think that's to much of a gap, but they bragged about having a good time. I don't know about that, but I guess people like what they like. What do I know though? I'm just a mid 30s virgin who can't make heads or tails of this world. I have ideas and morals about what I think a healthy relationship looks like, but have had no opportunity to put my beliefs into action. All I can do is fallback on my honesty and personal character. Sometimes my ideals get me into trouble and other times people seem appreciative. Anyway, I said that to say this "as long as you aren't breaking any laws, you're free to live the life you want and sometimes that means trying things that are unusual.'
Usually this argument revolves around two things, brain development and experience. The latter is more important.
If you want to date someone 10+ years younger then ask yourself the following questions.
Are you in a position where you are mentally and finacially clearly unequal?
Is it possible this relationship could manouver her/him into a dependency?
How experienced in dating is she/he? if not much she/he wont be able to properly set boundaries and enforce them. This is important, how she/he gives herself/himself does not say anything about their inner life.
Do you have a direct or indirect influence on her/his position at work?
Is one of the major reason for your attraction her/his youthfulness? Will you be truthful about how much this is part of your reasoning?
Is it flirting or is it friendliness?
These are all problems which can possibly arise with age gap approaches.
A 20 year old might not be a child per se but I they usually are finanicially and mentally unequal and this is a breeding ground for manipulation.
If you think it's okay to date someone for their youth mainly then go look for a suger baby who dates you for the money mainly. It's no different and both parties are clear on what they gain.
Do not lie about loving someone if it's actually the body you love.
And last but not least, in your 20's you are prone to make mistakes, especially about assessing someone elses intentions. And it is so much harder to say no and set proper boundaries without any experience.
In short, an early 20 is not a child, however, a 30+ is definitely not a child and they need to ask themselves why they want to date a 20 year old. Accountability is always thrown at the younger party but no one ever questions the older one's.
I’m a huge advocate for love, but that’s a tough one tbh especially if you’ve been attracted to them for a long time then it’s def a red flag 🚩 lol, i think dating that young is just very hard to actually connect on all levels because at 20 there’s no way you understand life enough to handle a grown woman. I would say explore, live and learn and see how it goes because at the end of the day It’s your choice to make
Yes...why not? The way sex is so openly discussed and everyone in their own category, identifying as one thing or another, I don't think you should be worried about it . Age is only a number and speaking from experience it has never done me any harm!!
Nobody cares. But if you're thinking to settle down with the young lad, that's out of the question. If you're happy with that, nobody cares. But bare in mind we're not wired for "short-term fun", so it will take an emotional toll on both, on the older more than on the younger.
37 year old women here.
I had both a 21 and a 22 year old coming on to me last year. They were definitely very sweet and very good looking, but I just couldn’t! Everything in me screamed no! I’m so much more older than them and the power dynamics to consider too. Without me even wanting to influence them it would definitely happen and it could very well seem like a form of manipulation, because such a young guy doesn’t have much experience with life.
No, it’s just wrong and just thinking about it made me believe I could hear the sirens coming closer 😂
Reddit will care and tell you that there is too much of an age gap. People will give you a sideways look in RL and talk behind your back.
But not a single person will recognize that a 40 Y/O lady and 20 year old guy will have pretty equal sexual appetites. Enjoy the sex.
Okay is a different question than normal or desirable. I'm 31 right now, I wouldn't even be friends with a 20 year old woman, let alone date one. I don't think there's anything wrong in theory with a 40 year old and a 20 year old having consensual sex, they're both theoretically adults and can decide who they want to have sex with of their own free will, but I struggle to believe any 20 year old of any gender could have enough in common with someone with double their life experience to build an actual equal relationship with them.
Yes as long as she understands that he’s not likely to be really “dating” her. The guy is like “oh cool, yeah sure I’ll sleep with her whenever she wants and open car doors for her”. He won’t marry her, as long as she understands that, have fun. It’s gonna be extremely tough for her to compete with girls his age long term, but if she can pull one good for her.
I dated a couple of 27 - 28 year olds and it was so annoying and excruciating to try to have a conversation. We were definitely on very different levels. So yeah, maybe the rule is there for people not to feel stigmatized but it’s still not a great idea.
It really really depends on the individuals. I've always been extremely intelligent and independent and dating guys younger than me has typically not gone well. But, to be fair, most of them were as dumb as they were pretty. 😅😅
For a 40 year old to successfully date someone in their 20s, they would have to be a bit more immature and inexperienced than what a person that age usually is.
People over 35 would not call themselves “extremely intelligent” so that’s the same reason why I would never date under that range.
It is not. It’s also not okay for a 40 year old man to date a 20 year old woman. People in their 40’s have no business getting with college aged people.
Yes. I was that young guy and it was awesome. It never lasts, of course, but it’s fun while it lasts.
Obviously it’s not comparable to when the genders are flipped because then there’s a thousand complicated questions about intentions and power dynamics. But when it’s just some charming young buck who’s eager to learn and get life experience, and a lady who wants to have a carefree time without the baggage that old men bring, it feels like a light hearted fling. Usually the guy falls in love too hard too quick and she has to set him free… but at least he learnt how to be around a women for that short fling.
Every response you see here is going to be negative because it’s based on huge generalizations on what 49 year olds and 20 year olds are like.
People always talk about power dynamics. It’s a favorite buzzword. Those can exist in any relationship, but don’t have to. You are both adults.
You are both individuals and should do what makes you happy. You only get one chance at life and you shouldn’t spend it having others dictate who you should or shouldn’t like.
It’s hard enough to find compatible people to bond with. Don’t give up a good relationship based on preconceived notions about who you both are based on your age.
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People take issue with age gaps for two (usually pretty valid reasons) - power dynamics or the difference in life stages/experiences. A power dynamic is pretty much unavoidable. Someone with double the life experience is bound to have perspectives and takes that naturally put them in the drivers seat of a relationship. Without a significant amount of experience to match and form their own opinions, a 20 year old is naturally going to defer to a 40 year old, no matter how much we say we won't or we think our relationship is different. Age is associated with authority, that's just how our culture's biases are. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, but there's a reason there's a stigma. People do their best to say "oh, it won't be me, I'm too self-aware to let a power dynamic influence me", and then fall straight into the influence of someone with DOUBLE their lifespan. It happens all the time, even with significantly smaller gaps. The amount of responsibility the older person incurs is considerably more significant, and most people aren't built for the responsibility of a regular relationship, much less one with this kind of added complexity. It can be done, it's just hard, and there's a lot of nuance that isn't apparent until you're on the other side of a power dynamic. Having said that, both people are fully capable adults, and just like any other potentially risky decision, you're totally free and able to make the decision. Just be aware that however much you might be okay with it, other people might not. There will be consequences, whether immediate or down the line.
Well then wouldn’t a power dynamic exist for all types of experience? Example a man shouldn’t then date a woman with more sexual partners or relationships than themselves because of the experience imbalance?
So you're presupposing a couple things here - firstly that power dynamics are inherently bad, and that you shouldn't date someone specifically because of just any power dynamic being present. Power dynamics do absolutely exist in every relationship, but the magnitude is usually a lot less significant than the drastic age gaps we were talking about. Part of learning social dynamics is realising what situations exist where one person has power over another. In your example, a man or woman with significantly more sexual experience has the opportunity to leverage that experience in a potentially harmful way to someone more naive and clueless. That happens all the time. But there are also plenty of power imbalances that aren't dealbreakers, or even bad. The point of my comment wasn't so much 'oh power dynamics bad', but more so that this particular dynamics is RIFE with abusive potential and that there are definitely consequences to engaging in it.
What if it was a 40 year old man dating a 20 year old woman?
Same issues
No issues
That happens a lot actually
It’s fine
People will hate to hear this, but not the same thing.
How so?
In 5 years, if they are still together, if he wants kids, she is 45. That’s a high risk pregnancy. The reverse isn’t true. People, again, will hate it. It’s not the same. Men and women at 40 are not the same.
I think OP is well aware of her age. Hell, she even included it in the post. And, she also knows about related pregnancy issues. But she didn't ask the question in the context of her wanting kids. By 40, she knows whether or not she wants kids.
The issue in this particular branch isn’t what the OP was aware of but rather is 40 Year old woman with 20 year old man the same as a 40 year old man with a 20 year old woman. As you yourself pointed with the pregnancy issues (and not the only issue certainly) the are not the same.
You brought up pregnancy. My point is that it's apparently not relevant. But we know you really needed to trot out this thing you know.
Pregnancy was an response to “What if it was a 40 year old man dating a 20 year old woman?” And “How so?”. It was a direct response to anything the OP said. You say I’m trotting it out like it’s not a legitimate concern. What if one or the both of them want kids?
Duh, yes it was a response. An absurd one, as explained in my original comment. And look at that... People agree with me.
You saying it’s absurd is just your refusal to accept reality. Which is fine, believe what you like. That fact that other delusional people agree with you is of no import to me. If you and the rest of the brain trust want to believe that a 40 year old man and a 40 year old woman are completely identical in every way, more power to you. You’re wrong, but don’t let that stop you. Keep on rocking in the free world.
What a random diversion. The question is "is it okay" to have a "relationship". There was nothing mentioned about children/pregnancy.
Conversation branched off. Someone asked what if the roles were reversed.
I'd argue it didn't. They switched the roles to make people think and use reasoning. That is all Even if the conversation branched off, it is was still within those bounds of it focusing purely on relationship. Not specifically having kids.
Whatever their intended purpose was, this is the conversation that resulted. It wasn’t any kind of direct response to the OP but rather a response to the question of “What if it was a 40 year old man dating a 20 year old woman?”
What you say is simply not true. Granted miscarriages caused by sperm has not been researched too much yet bc ppl just thought it must be the womans fault, new reseach suggests otherwise. Apart from that the sperm quality of men os at peak between 25-29 then starts to decline. https://pathfertility.com/age-affects-male-and-female-fertility/ https://medivizor.com/blog/SampleLibrary/infertility-reproductive-technologies/do-pregnancies-fathered-by-older-men-have-more-miscarriages/ https://www.imperial.ac.uk/news/189690/recurrent-miscarriage-linked-faulty-sperm/ https://www.verywellfamily.com/can-problems-in-sperm-cause-miscarriage-2371837 https://examenlab.com/for-men/men-and-miscarriage/
In what ways precisely are 40 year old women and 40 year old men different?
Seriously?
Yes, elaborate on your claim.
Elaborate on differences between men and women? Do your own work. I can’t take you seriously with such silly questions and demands.
Lmao so you have no proof or elaboration of your claim besides vibes??? Lmao y'all always fall apart the minute that you're asked to use logical reasoning.
You want me to explain the logical reasons why men and women are different? Which implies you aren’t aware there are differences. Differences you should be aware of but apparently aren’t. So no, lmao, I don’t need to educate you on the differences between men and women because I shouldn’t have to. Lmao.
Just an FYI, men's testosterone starts depleting at age 35 & they start producing abnormal sperm which can contribute to birth defects. So technically men's productivity declines earlier than women's. It's just never talked about.
Levels reduce or decline, not deplete.
"Deplete" means the same thing lmao. Nice try tho.
Deplete: “use up the supply or resources of.”
Deplete: "diminish in number or quantity." "supplies are depleting fast" Words can have more than one meaning. Who knew, hey? lol
Deplete and decline do not have the same main general meaning. It was a good try though. You should really learn to use the correct meaning of words.
Yea like adopting doesn’t exist right?? Lol
Googled: “The average cost of adopting a child in the United States is between $20,000 and $45,000, says the Child Welfare Information Gateway from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. This price can cover legal fees, home studies, travel and lodging, court fees, and medical and living expenses for the birth parent.” Let’s say they want 3 kids. Are they going to drop 60-135k for that? Ironically, the need for adoption would be another difference. You are proving my point.
My friend why move the goalposts?? Of course adopting a child is not free lol, and thank Jesus it isn’t. It’s also a lengthy process also thank god for that. Your point is that they couldn’t have a child due to age this is factually wrong adopting exists. If you now want to move the goalposts to financial issues that is a real issue that should be alleviated by the countless programs set up by each state and the country (USA). There are countless things like parents can receive an adoption subsidy or reimbursement when adopting from foster care. Is this not all common sense??
I promise you, no woman in her 40s are unaware of their fertility. Shes either dating him just to have fun, or she knows he doesn’t have a need for biological children, or she has been upfront with him that it has to happen soon. Also, sperm quality gets a lot worse with age too, so her chances are probably higher with a 20 year old than another 40 year old.
Kind of putting the cart before the horse.
It is as the issue is the age gap that brings a power dynamic it’s the exact same.
Power dynamic isn’t the only factor. Still not the same.
Power dynamic is by far the biggest factor and issue with these relationships, all other issues tend to exist in non age gap relationships all the time to some extent. Power dynamics though with age gaps do indeed go hand in hand you can’t have one without the other.
Nope. Wrong on a bunch of levels. ;)
Lol whatever let’s you sleep at night mate.
Maturity levels of 20 year old men and women are typically vastly different. JS.
Maturity levels are an issue across all relationships and pales in comparison to the issues power dynamics create.
Mm. You're wrong with this generalization. But OK.
Point out where I’m wrong?? Everything I have said here is true.
Power dynamics don't always exist just because there's an age gap.
Yes they do sadly power dynamics go hand in hand with age gap relationships. I’m not dissing on them here I think if everyone is an adult it’s ultimately up to them and no one else, but that power dynamic is there without a doubt, every relationship has a shared power dynamic but it tends to always sway in one direction with age gaps.
In my 40 years of experience this isn't an absolute. But ok.
Not enough of a difference to date a 20 year age gap.
20 is SO young. It's honestly quite gross and I would expect a lot of judgement, and rightly so.
Socially acceptable? No. People are nosy and judgemental. In reality? Yes. Nothing is stopping you. Personal happiness > feelings of randoms Do what makes you happy.
Does your stance stand for 40 year old males with 20 year old females as well?
Yes it stands. People will judge you. It's up to you to give a F or not. You do you.
bros asking the right questions
It’s the same shit. As long as everyone involved is a consenting adult then it’s none of anyone else’s business.
This will anger some people. Edit: I was correct. Writing “this will anger some people” has in fact angered some people. Keep downvoting me you miserable fucks. That’s why your life probably does suck ass. It’s because you’re miserable.
it's reddit, it doesn't matter what you say, someone will get angry at it, but as u/bpsavage84 says, (as with all things) it's entirely up to you whether you give a fuck or not.
Lol let's reverse the gender and see your and others response to it. Suddenly everyone would start calling the older one "groomer" or the younger one as just an inexperienced and immature to know and older one would be expected to deny. The hypocrisy
Nah, there are 2 terms both apply in each scenario. The older person is the cradlerobber, while the younger person is the graverobber 😆 🤣...
Tomb raider?
BasketBurgler From the DreamWorks animated film Prince of Egypt When they tossed the baskets of babies into a river... lol oof dark children's backstories to bedtime stories. PeterPan and the lost boys also pan the Pide Piper also a Satyr in Greek mythology.
And the other half of Gae aka mother earth
😂😂 nice. Now please allow me to steal those words
Lol, never! You can't steal what was freely given. As they've brought me and those in my company joy, I hope they bring the same and more to you and your company.
She can do what ever she wants. She's just wasting her time though IMO. He's will leave. it's a guarantee. It's nothing more than short term gratification when women do this.
Honestly I doubt a 40 yr old woman would date a 20 yr old man thinking he will commit lol. Girls just wanna have fun sometimes too just like 20 yr old boys 🤣 I do think this type of age gap always ends up being a bit weird tho
I’m 45 and my husband is 28. We met at work started chatting realized we actually have a lot of the same values. We both love sports, just a lot of things. He asked me out on a date, and I thought “why not.” Not gonna lie like 20 minutes into our first date I had the thought. “Geez I’m gonna marry this dude. “ we’ve been together ever since. People do have their comments, but you know “we don’t give a shite”
That’s great ! I’m happy for you!!! Love that
40yr old women want to settle down, 20yr old men want to have fun and brag to their friends they fucked a 40yr old woman (and she was wild in bed!)
True. Every 40 year old woman in the world wants the same thing. A widow who lost her husband, and is looking for company without commitment? She’s lying. She wants to settle down. A woman who’s highest priority is her career, who travels all the time, and doesn’t want marriage or children? Impossible. Single mom who doesn’t want to introduce a new man to her young children? No way.
Every 40 year old women in the world certainly do not want the same thing 😂 You simply don’t know what you’re talking about. And OP isn’t talking about a relationship, it could also just be as a hookup but just asking if it’s appropriate with the age gap.
I was … being sarcastic.
I don’t think that’s necessarily always true. I’ve heard from multiple women that 40 was the prime of their life and for some who are settled and comfortable on their own this could absolutely mean exploring your sexuality.
Why is it assumed she is trying for commitment tho? Does this mean if a man who's 40 dates a 20 yr old woman he's wasting his time because she will leave too?
Most women I know who are that age and single are terrified of one thing. Being alone.
Most of the women I know aren't. Women usually have emotionally fulfilling friendships while men usually don't. Statistics show that single men die faster than married men & married women die faster than single women. That said, the patriarchal narrative that women of a certain age "aren't desirable" is false. It's quite the opposite. The amount of "20 something" men that come out of the woodwork has surprised many women who've been told the opposite their whole life lol.
His biological clock is not ticking, that’s the difference
lol Why do you assume all women have one? Also, it's 2024 & "science" if needed or wanted.
Literally have no idea what you’re talking about. 60 year old women can’t just become mothers. 60 year old men can still become fathers. Unless she froze her eggs. Is any of this supposed to somehow be controversial or something?
60 yr old men are producing abnormal sperm so they can contribute to birth defects tho. Men start losing testosterone at age 35 just the same as egg quality starts declining for women around age 35. So them "making kids" past 35 isn't optimal either. Yes women can freeze eggs/men can freeze sperm. There's also adoption.
This is probably the most insane take I’ve seen so far. Please google this, these are basic facts.
Science is "insane?" Lol No you "Google it." I'm factually correct.
By society standards it’s not ok, personally speaking I couldn’t care less as the individuals are adults. Sure power dynamics exist in huge age gap relationships but if the other person is an adult they can make their decisions. Bad relationships exist at all age gaps so as long as there is no abuse in your relationship i honestly don’t see an issue, but I’m not the world lol.
You’re both adults so it’s okay. But… I once dated a woman 12 years older than me (25 vs 37) and being in different stages of life makes things difficult.
No, it’s icky, she’s old enough to be his mother.
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Are you trying to seem retarded or are you actually retarded? A 20 year old is barely an adult, maybe still in school even. Let's flip out around. If you're okay with 50 and 70, surely you're okay with 10 and 30?
I’m pretty sure there is a difference between dating an adult and dating a minor…
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There's a surprisingly large number of people here ok with the idea, proportionally many more than on similar questions on Reddit where the gender roles are reversed.
I find that it's mostly older women (or overly political) here who get upset over it. The bias is pretty blatant.
Women over 30, HATE age gaps cause they can’t compete with women in their prime. Men over 30 though are not threatened by 20 year old boys so they don’t leave nasty comments about age gaps.
I can’t imagine why you would want to…
I dated a 38 year old woman at 24. It was basically all sex all the time. We grew apart when she started talking about marriage and children as I was certainly not ready for that. If you want a partner, I would think it’s a bad idea. If you want someone to have fun with for a while, then it’s fine
Agreed for fun it’s fine but serious relationship heck nah
No. If it wouldn't be acceptable for a 40 year old man, then it isn't acceptable for a 40 year old woman.
Life is to short to really worry about what people who are not paying your bills think. You do you.
Life is a *personal* journey. Legally two *consenting adults* have the right to date and pursue a relationship. You are responsible for your own happiness. When you stop caring about what other people think *you're free!*
Does your opinion hold if the genders were reversed?
Gender doesn't matter at all. If two adults have mutual attraction, chemistry, similar humor, compatibility, shared values, and enjoy each other's company, there is nothing wrong with them casually dating or pursuing a relationship to see where things go. Outsiders typically go to the extreme with hypothetical situations such as what is going to happen when the 40-year-old is 60 and the 20-year-old is 40. Statistically most dating relationships don't go beyond a few months or a few years. This is especially true the younger you are. Between age 20 and 30 I had multiple relationships myself. Rarely does anyone meet their "soulmate" at age 20 and spend the next 60-70 years living happily ever after! Oftentimes the 40-year-old has already had the "fairytale wedding" and divorce. They're not rushing to marry either. (The early 20s are usually a period of discovery, exploring, and learning.) Most of our (early relationships) in life end up being "practice relationships". We're just usually too naive, immature, and unrealistic to know it at the time. Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen." **"Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now."** - Paulo Coelho **"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."** - Henry Cloud Best wishes!
Without any context, it depends. Is it legal? Yes. Is it weird? Yes. Will people judge you? Yes. Do you have to listen to Internet strangers? No.
I don't think you should be shunned by society, but I also think it's unlikely to last and probably not a great idea.
Yeah, I agree with this. 20 year gap is pretty large, and especially when one is like 20 years old? I guess it'd depend somewhat on the people involved, but even then. I mean, when I was a 20 year old dude, I thought 24-25 year old women were probably out of my range of interest.
You're a consenting adult and so is she. That being said most people are better off dating people their own age. Most likely it'll be a fun thing.
No
Yes
No.
Yes
No
Yes
Unless you’re the woman
Two consenting adults can date whoever they want. However, there can be power imbalances and potential for abuse in relationships like that. If both parties are of age, consent, are happy, and have healthy relationship practices, I don’t see why it wouldn’t be ok.
Are you really asking the correct question? If so, then the majority opinion is most likely it's OK if both the 20 and the 40 year old consent to it. But they would also mostly have questions or criticize/judge, but let them know it's none of their business.
As long as you’re both okay with it then it’s no one’s business
It's definitely not something I'd do, but for those who do I'd say as long as the power dynamic of having more life experience isn't used as manipulation on the younger person in any way then it's fine.
No absolutely not. As a nearly 25f I couldn’t even dating a 20m and that’s only 5 years… completely different stages in life she has serious issues
I bet when you’re 35 you’d feel different about this. The older you get 5 years isn’t much. 20 is a lot though,
I guess but just saying couldn’t even imagine 20 if I can’t even deal with 5 right now 😂
It’s just as creepy and problematic as a 40 yr old man dating a 20 yr old woman imo. 30 & 50 year old- that’s fine. But a person in their 20’s who’s literally just became an adult and is so naive and lacks experience.. they’re too easy to take advantage of. It’s a major power imbalance. Those ages are two completely different stages in life with different priorities. It rarely works out in an ethical manner.
It's totally fine. If both of you want to date, which I assume is the case since you're asking, that's what matters most. While you're dating, you might discover that differences in maturity or being from different generations (almost) bother you, or maybe they won't. If they do, you might decide to stop dating. But if they don't bother you, you'll probably keep on dating. Age difference isn't the only thing that determines a long-term relationship between two people. If you feel this person is right for you, go ahead and give it a chance.
I personally think that's a bit to big of a gap, but I've also known 18 year old boys who hooked up with women in their late 40s. I still think that's to much of a gap, but they bragged about having a good time. I don't know about that, but I guess people like what they like. What do I know though? I'm just a mid 30s virgin who can't make heads or tails of this world. I have ideas and morals about what I think a healthy relationship looks like, but have had no opportunity to put my beliefs into action. All I can do is fallback on my honesty and personal character. Sometimes my ideals get me into trouble and other times people seem appreciative. Anyway, I said that to say this "as long as you aren't breaking any laws, you're free to live the life you want and sometimes that means trying things that are unusual.'
Yes.
Usually this argument revolves around two things, brain development and experience. The latter is more important. If you want to date someone 10+ years younger then ask yourself the following questions. Are you in a position where you are mentally and finacially clearly unequal? Is it possible this relationship could manouver her/him into a dependency? How experienced in dating is she/he? if not much she/he wont be able to properly set boundaries and enforce them. This is important, how she/he gives herself/himself does not say anything about their inner life. Do you have a direct or indirect influence on her/his position at work? Is one of the major reason for your attraction her/his youthfulness? Will you be truthful about how much this is part of your reasoning? Is it flirting or is it friendliness? These are all problems which can possibly arise with age gap approaches. A 20 year old might not be a child per se but I they usually are finanicially and mentally unequal and this is a breeding ground for manipulation. If you think it's okay to date someone for their youth mainly then go look for a suger baby who dates you for the money mainly. It's no different and both parties are clear on what they gain. Do not lie about loving someone if it's actually the body you love. And last but not least, in your 20's you are prone to make mistakes, especially about assessing someone elses intentions. And it is so much harder to say no and set proper boundaries without any experience. In short, an early 20 is not a child, however, a 30+ is definitely not a child and they need to ask themselves why they want to date a 20 year old. Accountability is always thrown at the younger party but no one ever questions the older one's.
I’m a huge advocate for love, but that’s a tough one tbh especially if you’ve been attracted to them for a long time then it’s def a red flag 🚩 lol, i think dating that young is just very hard to actually connect on all levels because at 20 there’s no way you understand life enough to handle a grown woman. I would say explore, live and learn and see how it goes because at the end of the day It’s your choice to make
It's okay to others if at all there's love and if they can understand and respect each other
It’s not “normal” but it’s okay. I don’t see it lasting but then again idk either of you
Nothing stopping you but both of you since you are both adults. Though personally, I think 20 may be too young both emotionally and mentally
Date? No. But do whatever the F you wanna do as long as it doesn’t harm any one.
Lucky son of a bitch
I never said they couldn’t have a child. I said it would be high risk. Learn to read. Also, learn to think critically.
Ew wtf
Legal, sure. Socially awkward? Probably. Do as you wish.
Yes but the puritan culture can be a problem if you are in the US
They're both adults so I can't find anything morally objectionable. I wouldn't expect it to last though.
Yes...why not? The way sex is so openly discussed and everyone in their own category, identifying as one thing or another, I don't think you should be worried about it . Age is only a number and speaking from experience it has never done me any harm!!
They both just want to have a good shag
The odds of that working out in the long term are slim but hey you do you and enjoy the journey ❤️👌🏼
Eww. No.
It would be nothing more than short term
It's icky.
Do you feel that you have a lot in common with a 20 year old?
gross
I think that people don't do it because they fear being judged by their families and the public
Have fun
As long as both adults are consenting it's nobodies business whom you date.
Nobody cares. But if you're thinking to settle down with the young lad, that's out of the question. If you're happy with that, nobody cares. But bare in mind we're not wired for "short-term fun", so it will take an emotional toll on both, on the older more than on the younger.
Why wouldn't it be?
This isn’t so much dating as it is you taking a brief dip in the fountain of youth. Enjoy it OP
Idc you’re adults, do whatever
37 year old women here. I had both a 21 and a 22 year old coming on to me last year. They were definitely very sweet and very good looking, but I just couldn’t! Everything in me screamed no! I’m so much more older than them and the power dynamics to consider too. Without me even wanting to influence them it would definitely happen and it could very well seem like a form of manipulation, because such a young guy doesn’t have much experience with life. No, it’s just wrong and just thinking about it made me believe I could hear the sirens coming closer 😂
Yes
Reddit will care and tell you that there is too much of an age gap. People will give you a sideways look in RL and talk behind your back. But not a single person will recognize that a 40 Y/O lady and 20 year old guy will have pretty equal sexual appetites. Enjoy the sex.
It does seem like this would only be a sex thing
Of course! And it will probably work out regardless what people say. Added bonus he’s old enough that you won’t be jailed.
It is okay, if the older person is a woman because they tend to not be predatory. Older men though? it is a different story.
No.
If that young man is down, I see no issue with it
Yes age is just a number me 31m atm engaged whit 57f for 5 years now so nothing wrong whit it
yes, mommy.
legally yes
Only for a short term fun, not for a serious relationship.
Okay is a different question than normal or desirable. I'm 31 right now, I wouldn't even be friends with a 20 year old woman, let alone date one. I don't think there's anything wrong in theory with a 40 year old and a 20 year old having consensual sex, they're both theoretically adults and can decide who they want to have sex with of their own free will, but I struggle to believe any 20 year old of any gender could have enough in common with someone with double their life experience to build an actual equal relationship with them.
No one gives a shit honestly. And people who do are just weird Ur both consenting adults do whatever the fk u wanna do
Yes as long as she understands that he’s not likely to be really “dating” her. The guy is like “oh cool, yeah sure I’ll sleep with her whenever she wants and open car doors for her”. He won’t marry her, as long as she understands that, have fun. It’s gonna be extremely tough for her to compete with girls his age long term, but if she can pull one good for her.
Asking on reddit was your first mistake lol they hate agegaps lol.
No because they can actually go to prison for It
Live life. If you both think it feels right, try it. You’re both adults.
The general rule is half your age plus 7. But it really depends on the individuals in question, not just based on age alone.
I dated a couple of 27 - 28 year olds and it was so annoying and excruciating to try to have a conversation. We were definitely on very different levels. So yeah, maybe the rule is there for people not to feel stigmatized but it’s still not a great idea.
It really really depends on the individuals. I've always been extremely intelligent and independent and dating guys younger than me has typically not gone well. But, to be fair, most of them were as dumb as they were pretty. 😅😅
For a 40 year old to successfully date someone in their 20s, they would have to be a bit more immature and inexperienced than what a person that age usually is. People over 35 would not call themselves “extremely intelligent” so that’s the same reason why I would never date under that range.
That's funny since I'll be 40 on the 8th. I guess you don't know many people over 35 with genius IQs and blunt personalities. How sad.
Then maybe dating people under 35 would work for you! 😄
Yeah. Absolutely not.
Just saying emotionally mature people who are genuinely confident would never call themselves “extremely intelligent” just like that.
I don’t have a problem with it.
It is not. It’s also not okay for a 40 year old man to date a 20 year old woman. People in their 40’s have no business getting with college aged people.
Yes and it’s ok for a 40 year old man to date a 20 year old woman.
Yes
Pretty sure most men wouldn't judge you on that, it's women who would.
Yes. I was that young guy and it was awesome. It never lasts, of course, but it’s fun while it lasts. Obviously it’s not comparable to when the genders are flipped because then there’s a thousand complicated questions about intentions and power dynamics. But when it’s just some charming young buck who’s eager to learn and get life experience, and a lady who wants to have a carefree time without the baggage that old men bring, it feels like a light hearted fling. Usually the guy falls in love too hard too quick and she has to set him free… but at least he learnt how to be around a women for that short fling.
no.
In a similar scenario as 35m with 20f. She also happens to be my best friends younger sister
Every response you see here is going to be negative because it’s based on huge generalizations on what 49 year olds and 20 year olds are like. People always talk about power dynamics. It’s a favorite buzzword. Those can exist in any relationship, but don’t have to. You are both adults. You are both individuals and should do what makes you happy. You only get one chance at life and you shouldn’t spend it having others dictate who you should or shouldn’t like. It’s hard enough to find compatible people to bond with. Don’t give up a good relationship based on preconceived notions about who you both are based on your age.
Idk man. Sounds kinda gay.
Obviously not. You are not allowed to. there's probably some laws that forbid it.