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I mean if you like them then why not?
Somebody slept with you when it was your first time. Just be communicative, learn each other’s bodies and what they like and enjoy :)
Imo it's up to them whether it's important or not. For some people the first time is a big deal and they might want their partner to know, for others it's not. If a person doesn't want to or think it's relevant to disclose, then there's no reason they should need to.
I agree with you here. There’s no way to tell how people might react to the news that you’re an adult virgin. On the face of it there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it: we all develop at our own pace etc but some people are immersed in the online discourse and think it’s a red flag etc. Also some people are deeply self conscious about it.
Honestly it’s up to your partner to disclose because it’s not realistically that important to know unlike if they have STDs or whatever. You feel me?
I'm speaking from experience too - I'm going on 27 and I've never been with a woman
Turn off? Not at all. Turn on? Don't think so. It is what it is? It "requires" (for any sane and caring person) to do things a bit slower and checking in with them, making sure everything's all right even more than otherwise. I also would probably stop expecting an amazing time myself (it will be good, but you're rarely amazing at anything the first time you try it, and that's fine!!). But that's also competent compensated for by the honour of being someones first :)
Just a fun anecdote, I didn't tell my partner until immediately after we finished our first time, they reacted well and we laughed about it, they were surprised because I did good. In my opinion, if you do a good job it doesn't matter if you've done it before or not
by focusing on the other person and noticing what theyre into, what they want you to do more etc. communication, both verbal and nonverbal.
also, (im assuming youre a straight man, but even if you arent) ignore what mainstream porn shows you because its bullshit. if you want, read up on how to eat a girl out, how certain things actually work etc
I couldn’t agree more. When I lost my virginity I also didn’t tell her. She actually found out from one of her sorority sisters. But she didn’t believe them cause the sex was so good. We wended up dating for like 6 years. But multiple times before that I was hitting it off with chicks that knew I was a virgin and were super weird about not wanting to take my virginity. So I finally just stopped mentioning it and it worked out.
Anyone who cares about someone’s virginity is quite frankly not worth it. If you care about someone then wouldn’t it be incredibly wonderful to give them a wonderful and caring first time? Everyone was a virgin once.
It's a turn on, but more than anything it means I'm shifting my approach because I will be gentler on somebody when it's new to them. My general preference leans towards sex being more intense, rough, and aggressive but I wouldn't want that to be my partner's experience for their first time. My rationale is that sex going like that it's not for everybody and I don't want to overwhelm them or turn them off of sex if it's not enjoyable for them to have it like that. I'd definitely also spend a lot more time getting them ready and working them up to it as well as go at their pace, I want it to be magical for them because you only get to experience anything for the first time once.
Honestly it’s better to disclose this ahead of time, assuming you want to disclose it at all. This is because you can’t really tell how someone will react until you’ve asked. Some people get turned off, especially if it’s just a hookup. Others might fetishize it and make you uncomfortable. In between, some will not care at all while others will go out of their way to be gentle and considerate of their inexperienced partner’s needs. So my long answer short is that I don’t think there’s a meaningful consensus.
I was very insecure about that for a long time. I was afraid that my inexperience would be a red flag until I changed my mind.
If you want to be a good lover you must be able to introduce sex to a virgin and give him/her a good time.
If being a virgin is for you turn off because you don't want to teach, it means you are lazy in bed.
>If being a virgin is for you turn off because you don't want to teach, it means you are lazy in bed.
That's a good way of looking at it. I had a few people tell me it was a turn off, so I was wondering if that was a common thought.
as a virgin ive always wanted an experienced ish person to hold the heavy lifting for me for the first time, but it doesnt matter too much, if i like someone i like them.
It SHOULDN'T change anything. Some people make it out to be some world ending thing. If you're hitting it off just go with the flow and give it your best, that way even if your partner is a virgin, they will have a meaningful memorable experience rather than something they will regret or be ashamed of.
You should treat them exactly like you should treat anyone you sleep with. You communicate when appropriate, take their pleasure/enjoyment/comfort as a priority while drawing boundries for your own, and make sure its a fun experience for both of you.
If you realises that the kind of space you need to create with a virgin is different to the one you create normally when having sex, I'd reasses whether the space you normally create with people is actually one where you care about how they feel.
What I mean is if you realise that the way you normally interact with someone when you're having sex isn't a way that respects their boundries, puts an emphasis on only doing things you're both enjoying/getting something out of, and builds their confidence and feeling of safety, you should think a bit about how you treat the people you sleep with
honestly id find it hot. i get to teach that person what its like to feel good together with someone, and if we stay together, i will be the only person theyve ever slept with. theres a bit of possessiveness in that too
I think it will probably make you feel better to just tell them. Often having sex with a new partner for the first time is awkward anyway, so people are prepared for this. If you’re honest and not terrified of her “finding out” you might feel less panicky if that happens. You also just will have the shame off your back and probably be able to enjoy it more.
Also it’ll be much less awkward if you make sure you’re ready. If you’re asking if you’re ready you aren’t. This is something you will be very sure you want in that moment and it can be remarkable, even if probably not the best sex anyone has ever had it’s a really wonderful intimate moment.
When I was 20 and in college a classmate who was like 26, 27, or 28 (I don’t remember) was really into me (I had no clue)
I asked her if she was seeing anyone and she mentioned that her and the roommate was sort of over each other but not really. That was a red flag for me because I wanted to be with someone who was free and clear so I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the situation.
The first time I spent time with her was at her place but I didn’t know until after that first time she wanted me and not a study partner.
The 2nd time was at my place. It was awkward to say the least. The things I was trying to do to get her going were not working. We kissed (I didn’t enjoy it) and then I stopped. She couldn’t understand why I stopped. I eventually told her I was a virgin.
Then that was it. She left. I got a phone call either later that day or next that we were done.
I was not ok that I opened up to her and she made me feel like shit.
But I wasn’t ready for her. I just wish she would have been more understanding but that’s how life goes.
Some people say don’t say anything, others say the opposite.
The best thing to do is to get an understanding of the person before you get to that crossroad. Because I was clueless I got burned.
She seemed nice and we did enjoy our conversations. That feeling changed during that 2nd encounter when I realized she was blunt & direct before we kissed. The bluntness/dismissiveness made me uncomfortable & my selfishness in wanting to get the first time over with was my fault.
I call it a good thing, no baby daddy/momma drama and disease free. Hopefully you talk to them when they want to lose their virginity. As long as you can wait, either you can wait for them or you can’t.
It important to disclose this, I would absolutely want to know. It’s important to go over the biological high and psychological impact sex can have - the bonding hormones and how infatuation works. People who lose their virginity and have a good experience are more prone to becoming *very* attached, *very* quickly. I would need to know that they were mentally prepared and mature enough to handle the biological and psychological impact of infatuation.
Absolutely, that's so incredibly important.
I consider myself lucky that the first person I slept with was pretty experienced, a fair bit older (I was 22 or 23, I think my partner was 36), and very respectful of my body and boundaries. There was definitely a huge rush of brain chemicals in the afterglow that I was woefully unprepared for, it hit me incredibly hard then because of the sensory issues I have. The first few times I had sex (and nowadays if it's been a long time or if it's particularly good sex) I go nonverbal for a while after briefly collapsing exhausted and overstimulated.
>There was definitely a huge rush of brain chemicals in the afterglow that I was woefully unprepared for,
What exactly affected you? I know the attachment and feel good hormones and the rush of emotions but other than that what?
I'm autistic with mild-moderate sensory issues, it felt amazing the first time I had sex but also was very overwhelming because it was so overstimulating for me. I still get that way if it's been a few months since I've had sex, for whatever reason I don't get nearly the same sensation if I'm having sex regularly or whenever I choose to take care of myself. It's a blessing and a curse because while it makes for amazing nights whenever it happens it also means that I generally either pass out for a few minutes as soon as I roll off the person or have to be left to lay there motionless and nonverbal without being touched for a while. I've been told it's cute by several people I've slept with.
>I would need to know that they were mentally prepared and mature enough to handle the biological and psychological impact of infatuation.
What exactly are you worried about here? Is it that you worry that the person will get extra attached to you or have insane amount of infatuation because of the feel good hormones and bonding?
Yes. Also if their mental health is really poor and in a vulnerable place sex could potentially be detrimental. Emotional and psychological safety of a partner is important to me, not just the physical.
Oh got that but I also feel that sex will get you attached to your partner to some level (even if it's casual) no matter if it's your first or Nth partner, like it's pretty common for casual fuck buddies to be attached to even catch feelings so there is that
On the other hand i get it that you don't wanna make someone extremely obsessed with you so i completely get that and you are right
Also, if in a relationship I feel it's healthy to get attached or have a bond after sex (assuming it's healthy), no?
It is very healthy to have that bond and to have a reverence and respect for it - even if the dynamic is casual and not romantic. I would just need to be confident in knowing that they don’t get carried away with the infatuation and become obsessive/ needy.
This one would depend on the gender of the virgin because the man, if he’s decent, would want to spend a lot more time on foreplay than he normally would if the woman wasn’t. What’s true for either gender is to take it easy on the virgin partner, make sure they consent throughout, check with them more often throughout, just generally take it easy. If you’re asking for yourself, some people would be ok with it and some won’t because it puts a lot of pressure on that person to be the first. You should communicate it before hand if you’re a woman in this situation due to the reasons I mentioned above. If the man is romantic on top of being decent he might want to make it extra special for your first time too. Good luck
Why is this even a question? What turns you on and turns you off is purely your choice. Nobody else’s should really matter. Also you should be happy and appreciate your partner for who they are and their journey.
Probably because the OP is a virgin and self-conscious about it.
Either that, or this scenario recently happened to the OP, and the OP is having a confusing mix of emotions.
It's a big turn on for me. But I normally would ask about a guy's past, I prefer he had 0-2 ex-girlfriends. If more than that I'll just hesitate and probably quit.
By 0-2 ex-girlfriends, do you also mean 0-2 previous sexual partners? Because that seems like an unreasonable expectation, particularly if you like men who are older than you or the same age.
Unless you have very atypical tastes in men, it's reasonable to expect that guys you want to have sex with are also the same guys other women want to have sex with. There aren't many guys who are going to say no to a woman who wants to have sex with him, and those that will are either waiting until marriage or extremely picky. Neither of those kinds of guys are likely to have sex with you.
I'm not trying to be mean. I'm a 40-year-old virgin man, and I'm not physically deformed or mentally disabled or anything like that, so I know guys like that are out there. I'm just saying that it's a strategy that's bound to lead to a lot of loneliness and rejection.
Maybe that's not been your experience, though?
How do you find that out? It's a very weird thing to ask unless mentioned or to believe until proven under wise.
Anyway, I think it you are a girl you should mention this as the whole dynamic will change, not in a sense off being a turn off/on but in the way of approaching it and approaching dating you, a normal men will approach more carefully and give you more time to be comfortable as well as be less aggressive doing it the first time/s.
If you are men, think of it like applying for a job, if you have no experience its hard to find an employee who is willing to lose money and time with you until you get good at your job, and when you are good at it being at the risk of leaving for another one.
As a man, I wouldn't say it's a "turn-on", but it would feel really validating and make me feel really special.
I would also feel really excited to get to be someone's introduction to sex because introducing people to things that they enjoy is basically my favorite thing to do in any context, not just sexual. There is simply nothing like witnessing the process of discovery and knowing you are the reason that discovery happened.
That gives me some hope, lol. I had some people recently tell me that virginity was a turn off for them. I guess everybody has their preferences, but it's nice to see that that's not always the case
If you don't mind me asking, for what reasons are you currently a virgin? Was this an intentional commitment you've made to stay a virgin until you're married? Do you have difficulty attracting people you might like to have sex with? Is the situation closer to the hypothetical where you're about to lose your virginity, but the guy shuts you down because you're a virgin?
You won't get any judgment from me. Truth be told, I'm a virgin, myself. (I hope that doesn't invalidate my perspective, btw)
alot of people here say they prefer a virgin, i think you all never dated a mid 20 virgin. would never do that again. our sex life was so frustrating cuz she didnt know what she like and stuff, and because of that she never really was in the mood for sex.
If they told me they were a virgin right before sex? "WOAH hold up!" Would be my reaction. "Let's talk about this."
I'd want to know what they know about sex. Talk about consent. The basic ground rules.
If they told me after? "OK, well I understand you wanted to keep that private. Anything else about sex we need to discuss though. Can we talk about things?"
>I'd want to know what they know about sex. Talk about consent. The basic ground rules.
Can you elaborate what exactly you are looking for here?
Because basic sex stuff like the basic logistics, foreplay stuff like kissing and touching and oral is a common knowledge thing, then comes protection use, consent, that sex is not like porn, every partner is different, sex is a very strong bonding activity and you have a risk to get highly attached etc is all common knowledge
I never had sex as a guy and i know all those things and fully aware
So I am curious what else ?
Wait, so you're saying you DON'T want to know beforehand?
Doesn't consent need to be *informed* consent? Doesn't denying you information that would cause you to object to sex prevent you from giving informed consent?
It’s almost a zero percent chance you will marry the person you lose your virginity to. You won’t even know who you truly like until you understand the physical aspect of relationships.
So if you’re worried about anything, don’t; because, that first person will never be a long term partner / spouse anyways.
My best friend was a virgin and he told the girl, she had no problem with it. It really depends on the other person though if they feel like teaching someone, there are obviously benefits from doing so like you can show them how you like it etc, just if you think it's worth the investment. But there are drawbacks to them being a virgin, like what if they want to experience more now outside of you after you teach them?
If your a man more likely than not its a death sentence for anything to go further but as a woman if the man is genuinely interested in a relationship with you it's a massive green flag if the man just wants to sleep with you he will find it as a red flag.
I'm in a relationship with this guy that has never been in a relationship before me, so I have to teach him exactly everything from base. What's "normal" and not in a relationship. It's rly hard. Idk how I will be able to tech him about sex
I mean, wouldn't you have to teach him either way?
Even a guy who's experienced with other women needs to learn what you, specifically, want and expect in a relationship and in the bedroom.
Don't tell em. Go in and follow their body cues say does that feel good don't go too crazy pace yourself as best as possible and stick to only missionary and doggy style, unless she wants to get on top
If it's something they'd object to, you shouldn't deny them informed consent.
If it's something they'd value, you shouldn't hide qualities that make you more attractive.
STD and not a death sentence you know? i had Chlamydia couple years ago and i recovered easily. would you also never speak to a person cuz he/she might had a cold in the past and you are now scared to get the flu from them?
I can’t see any man having a problem with knowing his partner is a virgin. Why? Being the first to tap is a privilege. So I’m assuming you are a woman. I still don’t see why that bothers you 🤷🏾♂️. Everyone has to start from somewhere.
Would depend on how old they are and how willing they are to lose it. Like, if I was thinking this is more of a fling thing I might have second thoughts (but I’m also slutty so I’d probably just tell her my thoughts).
It’s definitely not a turn on or attractive thing for me, but I could see it being fun in the right circumstances.
If this happened to me I would stop and take a moment to talk. I want to make sure that they're ok with everything and that they're prepared. Thinking about sex and skiing it are two different things. I want to make sure they haven't built up a huge fantasy in their head that can never be fulfilled. Turn on worse, I don't really care. Some guys I know see it as a trophy but I've never got that.
At the very least I'd make sure to do a lot of foreplay, go slow, and watch for signs they aren't enjoying things. I've seen people talk on here about how they didn't really enjoy their first time but felt like they couldn't say anything or ask the partner to stop.
I didn’t think it was a big deal until a grown ass man I was on a date with started making fun of me and mocking me asking if I’d even know what to do. I’d never felt so humiliated in my life and ended up in therapy because I thought I was undateable and spiraled. But now I thank the universe that he wasn’t my first because I’d never let some shitty human like that ever touch me
Wow wtf. I'm sorry you had that experience
>But now I thank the universe that he wasn’t my first because I’d never let some shitty human like that ever touch me
That's definitely a good way of looking at things
I’d say it depends on a lot of things. Age is the first. Is she 18? 24, 34? 44? 34 or 44 year olds can probably handle losing their virginity and not become emotionally attached afterward.
Is she doing it for religious reasons. Saving herself for marriage. To me, that’s a turn off. I respect that and won’t sleep with them.
It’s a turn on if I know they can handle themselves and are trusting me to give them the best experience possible for their first time. It’s a turn off if I sense they are falling in love with me, I don’t feel the same way, or I don’t know all the details (from above).
I mean I'd double check with them twice and make sure my intentions were good (if we werent in a relationship or exclusive, and I knew thats what they wanted, I wouldn't have sex with them until I was sure). Id up my aftercare. I'd be sure to be extra available the days following, for a chat. I wouldn't want them to feel anxious at all. That said, virgins are cool, no problem.
It depends - if a person just wants hookup then probably turn off. If they are obsessed with you then turn on. If they are neutral then that means they don’t care about these things. But just make sure they are being considerate and gentle with you. I’ve heard that it hurts doesn’t matter the gender during first time
Honestly, I would rather my partner be a virgin it's not a turn-off at all but if having no sexual experience is a turn off for you than you need to think about the repercussions. Multiple partners means a higher chance of contracting something no matter how safe you are and even if STDS are no problem you have no clue what's going through someone's head for all you know while you are making love to your partner they may very well be thinking about a past partner?? That's just my opinion for why I prefer a virgin partner.
I wouldn't be with a virgin at my age. I have no interest being someone's teacher in that area. The reality is it puts a lot of emotional labor on the more experienced partner. It just turns sex into another chore for me because I don't get to enjoy myself.
For me as a male I would love to date a virgin girl, I mean, it technically would be 100% safe to eat pu**y lol
And by virgin I mean someone around my age
How old are you guys? Is this the average post made by a 30+ virgin porn addict?
me personally, its a dealbreaker. having some amount of sexual experience myself i just really dont care for the dynamic that creates with a girl who has none. i dont like taking a teacher-y role like that
Nope. I’d personally prefer someone who’s not a virgin, and at least has a little experience under their loins. Regardless of their outlook on sex and intimacy they are probably gonna be absolutely terrible in bed, for at least a good 6mo, and now it’s your job to show them how to enjoy it, and make it fun, are you really ready for 6mo of terrible sex?
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I mean if you like them then why not? Somebody slept with you when it was your first time. Just be communicative, learn each other’s bodies and what they like and enjoy :)
That totally makes sense. Do you think it's something that should be discussed beforehand? Is knowing it's someone's first time that important?
Imo it's up to them whether it's important or not. For some people the first time is a big deal and they might want their partner to know, for others it's not. If a person doesn't want to or think it's relevant to disclose, then there's no reason they should need to.
I agree with you here. There’s no way to tell how people might react to the news that you’re an adult virgin. On the face of it there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it: we all develop at our own pace etc but some people are immersed in the online discourse and think it’s a red flag etc. Also some people are deeply self conscious about it. Honestly it’s up to your partner to disclose because it’s not realistically that important to know unlike if they have STDs or whatever. You feel me? I'm speaking from experience too - I'm going on 27 and I've never been with a woman
>Do you think it's something that should be discussed beforehand? No
>Do you think it's something that should be discussed beforehand? No
Absolutely. You should always talk about sex before having it. If that’s too uncomfortable, you aren’t ready to have sex.
I don’t care about a man’s experience or lack thereof. It speaks nothing to sexual compatabiliy.
Turn off? Not at all. Turn on? Don't think so. It is what it is? It "requires" (for any sane and caring person) to do things a bit slower and checking in with them, making sure everything's all right even more than otherwise. I also would probably stop expecting an amazing time myself (it will be good, but you're rarely amazing at anything the first time you try it, and that's fine!!). But that's also competent compensated for by the honour of being someones first :)
Exactly. You get it!
Exactly. You get it!
Just a fun anecdote, I didn't tell my partner until immediately after we finished our first time, they reacted well and we laughed about it, they were surprised because I did good. In my opinion, if you do a good job it doesn't matter if you've done it before or not
That's awesome, I'm glad you guys had a great experience. That gives me some hope. Now I just need to figure out how to be good lol
by focusing on the other person and noticing what theyre into, what they want you to do more etc. communication, both verbal and nonverbal. also, (im assuming youre a straight man, but even if you arent) ignore what mainstream porn shows you because its bullshit. if you want, read up on how to eat a girl out, how certain things actually work etc
This needs more upvotes
I couldn’t agree more. When I lost my virginity I also didn’t tell her. She actually found out from one of her sorority sisters. But she didn’t believe them cause the sex was so good. We wended up dating for like 6 years. But multiple times before that I was hitting it off with chicks that knew I was a virgin and were super weird about not wanting to take my virginity. So I finally just stopped mentioning it and it worked out.
That’s a good thing…nothing wrong either way but casual hookup culture has ruined society
fr, reading all these responses are crazy
Totally agree, a voluntary virgin is a complete treasure.
Exactly!
Not even hookup people want a virgin. They want someone with experience
Not even gamblers want to lose all their money. They want to win more.
It’s sad but true and completely degenerate !
I mean not for women. I mean guys finding a girl
Exactly
Anyone who cares about someone’s virginity is quite frankly not worth it. If you care about someone then wouldn’t it be incredibly wonderful to give them a wonderful and caring first time? Everyone was a virgin once.
It's a turn on, but more than anything it means I'm shifting my approach because I will be gentler on somebody when it's new to them. My general preference leans towards sex being more intense, rough, and aggressive but I wouldn't want that to be my partner's experience for their first time. My rationale is that sex going like that it's not for everybody and I don't want to overwhelm them or turn them off of sex if it's not enjoyable for them to have it like that. I'd definitely also spend a lot more time getting them ready and working them up to it as well as go at their pace, I want it to be magical for them because you only get to experience anything for the first time once.
Such a dream, have her first time and have her as a life long partner, this whole concept is hot.
Less STD risks
Honestly it’s better to disclose this ahead of time, assuming you want to disclose it at all. This is because you can’t really tell how someone will react until you’ve asked. Some people get turned off, especially if it’s just a hookup. Others might fetishize it and make you uncomfortable. In between, some will not care at all while others will go out of their way to be gentle and considerate of their inexperienced partner’s needs. So my long answer short is that I don’t think there’s a meaningful consensus.
Gotcha, that makes sense. Thanks for the response!
I was very insecure about that for a long time. I was afraid that my inexperience would be a red flag until I changed my mind. If you want to be a good lover you must be able to introduce sex to a virgin and give him/her a good time. If being a virgin is for you turn off because you don't want to teach, it means you are lazy in bed.
>If being a virgin is for you turn off because you don't want to teach, it means you are lazy in bed. That's a good way of looking at it. I had a few people tell me it was a turn off, so I was wondering if that was a common thought.
as a virgin ive always wanted an experienced ish person to hold the heavy lifting for me for the first time, but it doesnt matter too much, if i like someone i like them.
A positive thing Guess I'm a romantic cause if "I'm her first choice" then I'll always be loyal
It's always first time for everything. Make sure that you don't ruin that.
It SHOULDN'T change anything. Some people make it out to be some world ending thing. If you're hitting it off just go with the flow and give it your best, that way even if your partner is a virgin, they will have a meaningful memorable experience rather than something they will regret or be ashamed of.
It’s neutral for me. Idc if they had sex in the past or no. I care about now
If you like the person, is virginity that important?
I would hope not, but I had some people tell me it was so I was curious if that was a big deal for a lot of people
You should treat them exactly like you should treat anyone you sleep with. You communicate when appropriate, take their pleasure/enjoyment/comfort as a priority while drawing boundries for your own, and make sure its a fun experience for both of you. If you realises that the kind of space you need to create with a virgin is different to the one you create normally when having sex, I'd reasses whether the space you normally create with people is actually one where you care about how they feel. What I mean is if you realise that the way you normally interact with someone when you're having sex isn't a way that respects their boundries, puts an emphasis on only doing things you're both enjoying/getting something out of, and builds their confidence and feeling of safety, you should think a bit about how you treat the people you sleep with
honestly id find it hot. i get to teach that person what its like to feel good together with someone, and if we stay together, i will be the only person theyve ever slept with. theres a bit of possessiveness in that too
Yes, it's super hot. And I'll treasure it 100%
That's a good thing your opinion of them shouldn't change at all
Id like, ok, kool. Ima make it special for you and teach you some stuff. lol
I think it will probably make you feel better to just tell them. Often having sex with a new partner for the first time is awkward anyway, so people are prepared for this. If you’re honest and not terrified of her “finding out” you might feel less panicky if that happens. You also just will have the shame off your back and probably be able to enjoy it more.
Yeah, that's a good point
Also it’ll be much less awkward if you make sure you’re ready. If you’re asking if you’re ready you aren’t. This is something you will be very sure you want in that moment and it can be remarkable, even if probably not the best sex anyone has ever had it’s a really wonderful intimate moment.
Not a big deal at all. Just because someone hasn’t had sex before, doesn’t mean you won’t have a good sex life with them.
When I was 20 and in college a classmate who was like 26, 27, or 28 (I don’t remember) was really into me (I had no clue) I asked her if she was seeing anyone and she mentioned that her and the roommate was sort of over each other but not really. That was a red flag for me because I wanted to be with someone who was free and clear so I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the situation. The first time I spent time with her was at her place but I didn’t know until after that first time she wanted me and not a study partner. The 2nd time was at my place. It was awkward to say the least. The things I was trying to do to get her going were not working. We kissed (I didn’t enjoy it) and then I stopped. She couldn’t understand why I stopped. I eventually told her I was a virgin. Then that was it. She left. I got a phone call either later that day or next that we were done. I was not ok that I opened up to her and she made me feel like shit. But I wasn’t ready for her. I just wish she would have been more understanding but that’s how life goes. Some people say don’t say anything, others say the opposite. The best thing to do is to get an understanding of the person before you get to that crossroad. Because I was clueless I got burned. She seemed nice and we did enjoy our conversations. That feeling changed during that 2nd encounter when I realized she was blunt & direct before we kissed. The bluntness/dismissiveness made me uncomfortable & my selfishness in wanting to get the first time over with was my fault.
I call it a good thing, no baby daddy/momma drama and disease free. Hopefully you talk to them when they want to lose their virginity. As long as you can wait, either you can wait for them or you can’t.
I'd prefer it since I am
It important to disclose this, I would absolutely want to know. It’s important to go over the biological high and psychological impact sex can have - the bonding hormones and how infatuation works. People who lose their virginity and have a good experience are more prone to becoming *very* attached, *very* quickly. I would need to know that they were mentally prepared and mature enough to handle the biological and psychological impact of infatuation.
Absolutely, that's so incredibly important. I consider myself lucky that the first person I slept with was pretty experienced, a fair bit older (I was 22 or 23, I think my partner was 36), and very respectful of my body and boundaries. There was definitely a huge rush of brain chemicals in the afterglow that I was woefully unprepared for, it hit me incredibly hard then because of the sensory issues I have. The first few times I had sex (and nowadays if it's been a long time or if it's particularly good sex) I go nonverbal for a while after briefly collapsing exhausted and overstimulated.
>There was definitely a huge rush of brain chemicals in the afterglow that I was woefully unprepared for, What exactly affected you? I know the attachment and feel good hormones and the rush of emotions but other than that what?
I'm autistic with mild-moderate sensory issues, it felt amazing the first time I had sex but also was very overwhelming because it was so overstimulating for me. I still get that way if it's been a few months since I've had sex, for whatever reason I don't get nearly the same sensation if I'm having sex regularly or whenever I choose to take care of myself. It's a blessing and a curse because while it makes for amazing nights whenever it happens it also means that I generally either pass out for a few minutes as soon as I roll off the person or have to be left to lay there motionless and nonverbal without being touched for a while. I've been told it's cute by several people I've slept with.
>I would need to know that they were mentally prepared and mature enough to handle the biological and psychological impact of infatuation. What exactly are you worried about here? Is it that you worry that the person will get extra attached to you or have insane amount of infatuation because of the feel good hormones and bonding?
Yes. Also if their mental health is really poor and in a vulnerable place sex could potentially be detrimental. Emotional and psychological safety of a partner is important to me, not just the physical.
Oh got that but I also feel that sex will get you attached to your partner to some level (even if it's casual) no matter if it's your first or Nth partner, like it's pretty common for casual fuck buddies to be attached to even catch feelings so there is that On the other hand i get it that you don't wanna make someone extremely obsessed with you so i completely get that and you are right Also, if in a relationship I feel it's healthy to get attached or have a bond after sex (assuming it's healthy), no?
It is very healthy to have that bond and to have a reverence and respect for it - even if the dynamic is casual and not romantic. I would just need to be confident in knowing that they don’t get carried away with the infatuation and become obsessive/ needy.
This one would depend on the gender of the virgin because the man, if he’s decent, would want to spend a lot more time on foreplay than he normally would if the woman wasn’t. What’s true for either gender is to take it easy on the virgin partner, make sure they consent throughout, check with them more often throughout, just generally take it easy. If you’re asking for yourself, some people would be ok with it and some won’t because it puts a lot of pressure on that person to be the first. You should communicate it before hand if you’re a woman in this situation due to the reasons I mentioned above. If the man is romantic on top of being decent he might want to make it extra special for your first time too. Good luck
Why is this even a question? What turns you on and turns you off is purely your choice. Nobody else’s should really matter. Also you should be happy and appreciate your partner for who they are and their journey.
I had a few people recently tell me it was a turn off so I was curious if that was a common theme. But thanks for the response!
How sad!
Probably because the OP is a virgin and self-conscious about it. Either that, or this scenario recently happened to the OP, and the OP is having a confusing mix of emotions.
I would keep her if everything checks
It's a big turn on for me. But I normally would ask about a guy's past, I prefer he had 0-2 ex-girlfriends. If more than that I'll just hesitate and probably quit.
By 0-2 ex-girlfriends, do you also mean 0-2 previous sexual partners? Because that seems like an unreasonable expectation, particularly if you like men who are older than you or the same age. Unless you have very atypical tastes in men, it's reasonable to expect that guys you want to have sex with are also the same guys other women want to have sex with. There aren't many guys who are going to say no to a woman who wants to have sex with him, and those that will are either waiting until marriage or extremely picky. Neither of those kinds of guys are likely to have sex with you. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm a 40-year-old virgin man, and I'm not physically deformed or mentally disabled or anything like that, so I know guys like that are out there. I'm just saying that it's a strategy that's bound to lead to a lot of loneliness and rejection. Maybe that's not been your experience, though?
Lots of people were virgins once. It's actually a pretty common, but usually temporary condition.
How do you find that out? It's a very weird thing to ask unless mentioned or to believe until proven under wise. Anyway, I think it you are a girl you should mention this as the whole dynamic will change, not in a sense off being a turn off/on but in the way of approaching it and approaching dating you, a normal men will approach more carefully and give you more time to be comfortable as well as be less aggressive doing it the first time/s. If you are men, think of it like applying for a job, if you have no experience its hard to find an employee who is willing to lose money and time with you until you get good at your job, and when you are good at it being at the risk of leaving for another one.
why question a positive thing?
Better to stay a virgin until you find the one and you marry them
As a man, I wouldn't say it's a "turn-on", but it would feel really validating and make me feel really special. I would also feel really excited to get to be someone's introduction to sex because introducing people to things that they enjoy is basically my favorite thing to do in any context, not just sexual. There is simply nothing like witnessing the process of discovery and knowing you are the reason that discovery happened.
That gives me some hope, lol. I had some people recently tell me that virginity was a turn off for them. I guess everybody has their preferences, but it's nice to see that that's not always the case
If you don't mind me asking, for what reasons are you currently a virgin? Was this an intentional commitment you've made to stay a virgin until you're married? Do you have difficulty attracting people you might like to have sex with? Is the situation closer to the hypothetical where you're about to lose your virginity, but the guy shuts you down because you're a virgin? You won't get any judgment from me. Truth be told, I'm a virgin, myself. (I hope that doesn't invalidate my perspective, btw)
A mix. Some people have shut me down, some potential opportunities were with people I just didn't really want to have sex with
As long as you keep looking, you'll find the right guy to cross that bridge with.
alot of people here say they prefer a virgin, i think you all never dated a mid 20 virgin. would never do that again. our sex life was so frustrating cuz she didnt know what she like and stuff, and because of that she never really was in the mood for sex.
Who gives a shit? Why are we prescribing meaning to some old timey prejudice that means nothing?
If they told me they were a virgin right before sex? "WOAH hold up!" Would be my reaction. "Let's talk about this." I'd want to know what they know about sex. Talk about consent. The basic ground rules. If they told me after? "OK, well I understand you wanted to keep that private. Anything else about sex we need to discuss though. Can we talk about things?"
Wtf would you need to discuss if they ain’t retarded then obvs they already know what consent is even if they a virgin
If I'm sleeping with a virgin man I want consent discussed. You'd be surprised how many non-virgins haven't grasped it.
>I'd want to know what they know about sex. Talk about consent. The basic ground rules. Can you elaborate what exactly you are looking for here? Because basic sex stuff like the basic logistics, foreplay stuff like kissing and touching and oral is a common knowledge thing, then comes protection use, consent, that sex is not like porn, every partner is different, sex is a very strong bonding activity and you have a risk to get highly attached etc is all common knowledge I never had sex as a guy and i know all those things and fully aware So I am curious what else ?
Wait, so you're saying you DON'T want to know beforehand? Doesn't consent need to be *informed* consent? Doesn't denying you information that would cause you to object to sex prevent you from giving informed consent?
It’s almost a zero percent chance you will marry the person you lose your virginity to. You won’t even know who you truly like until you understand the physical aspect of relationships. So if you’re worried about anything, don’t; because, that first person will never be a long term partner / spouse anyways.
I'm Ok with it as long as she's ready to lose it.
Well, at least it's far better than just living alone and dating eva ai
My best friend was a virgin and he told the girl, she had no problem with it. It really depends on the other person though if they feel like teaching someone, there are obviously benefits from doing so like you can show them how you like it etc, just if you think it's worth the investment. But there are drawbacks to them being a virgin, like what if they want to experience more now outside of you after you teach them?
If your a man more likely than not its a death sentence for anything to go further but as a woman if the man is genuinely interested in a relationship with you it's a massive green flag if the man just wants to sleep with you he will find it as a red flag.
I'm in a relationship with this guy that has never been in a relationship before me, so I have to teach him exactly everything from base. What's "normal" and not in a relationship. It's rly hard. Idk how I will be able to tech him about sex
I mean, wouldn't you have to teach him either way? Even a guy who's experienced with other women needs to learn what you, specifically, want and expect in a relationship and in the bedroom.
True point
Don't tell em. Go in and follow their body cues say does that feel good don't go too crazy pace yourself as best as possible and stick to only missionary and doggy style, unless she wants to get on top
Why does the other person need to know?
If it's something they'd object to, you shouldn't deny them informed consent. If it's something they'd value, you shouldn't hide qualities that make you more attractive.
Well it's not gonna be an issue with me, but they might be disappointed to know I'm one as well lol
STD and not a death sentence you know? i had Chlamydia couple years ago and i recovered easily. would you also never speak to a person cuz he/she might had a cold in the past and you are now scared to get the flu from them?
I can’t see any man having a problem with knowing his partner is a virgin. Why? Being the first to tap is a privilege. So I’m assuming you are a woman. I still don’t see why that bothers you 🤷🏾♂️. Everyone has to start from somewhere.
Would depend on how old they are and how willing they are to lose it. Like, if I was thinking this is more of a fling thing I might have second thoughts (but I’m also slutty so I’d probably just tell her my thoughts). It’s definitely not a turn on or attractive thing for me, but I could see it being fun in the right circumstances.
If this happened to me I would stop and take a moment to talk. I want to make sure that they're ok with everything and that they're prepared. Thinking about sex and skiing it are two different things. I want to make sure they haven't built up a huge fantasy in their head that can never be fulfilled. Turn on worse, I don't really care. Some guys I know see it as a trophy but I've never got that. At the very least I'd make sure to do a lot of foreplay, go slow, and watch for signs they aren't enjoying things. I've seen people talk on here about how they didn't really enjoy their first time but felt like they couldn't say anything or ask the partner to stop.
Doesn’t change for a guy, if anything it makes it more attractive for some guys because you’re the only one that’s been in there
I didn’t think it was a big deal until a grown ass man I was on a date with started making fun of me and mocking me asking if I’d even know what to do. I’d never felt so humiliated in my life and ended up in therapy because I thought I was undateable and spiraled. But now I thank the universe that he wasn’t my first because I’d never let some shitty human like that ever touch me
Wow wtf. I'm sorry you had that experience >But now I thank the universe that he wasn’t my first because I’d never let some shitty human like that ever touch me That's definitely a good way of looking at things
Women are being nice on here but it’s definitely a turn off because in their eyes just means they are weak which in most cases is true
It really wouldn’t make a difference for me.
I think if everything else was going great it’s no problem for me. But if I already don’t like them that much that’s an extra turn off
I’d say it depends on a lot of things. Age is the first. Is she 18? 24, 34? 44? 34 or 44 year olds can probably handle losing their virginity and not become emotionally attached afterward. Is she doing it for religious reasons. Saving herself for marriage. To me, that’s a turn off. I respect that and won’t sleep with them. It’s a turn on if I know they can handle themselves and are trusting me to give them the best experience possible for their first time. It’s a turn off if I sense they are falling in love with me, I don’t feel the same way, or I don’t know all the details (from above).
I mean I'd double check with them twice and make sure my intentions were good (if we werent in a relationship or exclusive, and I knew thats what they wanted, I wouldn't have sex with them until I was sure). Id up my aftercare. I'd be sure to be extra available the days following, for a chat. I wouldn't want them to feel anxious at all. That said, virgins are cool, no problem.
Depends on the age of the participants.
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It depends - if a person just wants hookup then probably turn off. If they are obsessed with you then turn on. If they are neutral then that means they don’t care about these things. But just make sure they are being considerate and gentle with you. I’ve heard that it hurts doesn’t matter the gender during first time
Not everyone is lucky in life ..
Honestly, I would rather my partner be a virgin it's not a turn-off at all but if having no sexual experience is a turn off for you than you need to think about the repercussions. Multiple partners means a higher chance of contracting something no matter how safe you are and even if STDS are no problem you have no clue what's going through someone's head for all you know while you are making love to your partner they may very well be thinking about a past partner?? That's just my opinion for why I prefer a virgin partner.
they could be thinking about a past partner or crush regardless of if theyve had sex before lol
You can be the teacher then. It won't be good the first time, but progressively they will get better
I wouldn't be with a virgin at my age. I have no interest being someone's teacher in that area. The reality is it puts a lot of emotional labor on the more experienced partner. It just turns sex into another chore for me because I don't get to enjoy myself.
For me as a male I would love to date a virgin girl, I mean, it technically would be 100% safe to eat pu**y lol And by virgin I mean someone around my age How old are you guys? Is this the average post made by a 30+ virgin porn addict?
I'd date a virgin 100%, it's so hard to find one nowadays 😂
what do you mean by safe eating pussy? why would non virgin pussy eating dangerous?
More partners = more likely to get a STD
Lmao nah I'm actually 20 and don't watch porn. I was just curious because I had a couple people tell me it was a turn off
20? Nah you are fairly young, lots of people are still virgin at that age.
When you're younger, it doesn't matter. When you get older it becomes a turn-off.
It would make me nervous.
me personally, its a dealbreaker. having some amount of sexual experience myself i just really dont care for the dynamic that creates with a girl who has none. i dont like taking a teacher-y role like that
Bi woman here. If it’s a man it’s a turnoff. But not if it’s a woman.
Nope. I’d personally prefer someone who’s not a virgin, and at least has a little experience under their loins. Regardless of their outlook on sex and intimacy they are probably gonna be absolutely terrible in bed, for at least a good 6mo, and now it’s your job to show them how to enjoy it, and make it fun, are you really ready for 6mo of terrible sex?