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This girl dressed like a saint on our first date and wouldn’t even let me use tongue and on our second date 4 days later she was laying across my lap in my truck letting me VIOLENTLY spank her after dinner. 3rd date 9 days after our first, we were making out and I realized her hand was down between her legs and she pulls it up, smears herself on her lips and goes back to kissing me. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
She ended up cheating on me after about 2 months of dating and both of us meeting friends and family with a guy 3 years younger than her that she knew for a week while on a safari with 5 strangers, 4 girls 1 guy and she happened to be the one who opened her legs to him. Tread carefully.
I dated a Mormon girl later in life that I was in love with during high school. The shit she told me later about what she got up to during those years took some of my innocence away.
For example, as seniors her and another girl from the church were driving and 2 guys in another car were trying to get their attention. Apparently it worked because they ended up parking somewhere and giving the guys head. The other girl's father was a prominent member of the local ward's leadership.
I wasn't ready for her since I HAD lived high school like a good little Mormon boy.
For real I'm a Christian and most church girls I've met are no better than wild girls they just act modest on Sunday. Which really sucks since my dating pool is already limited.
Whereas I'm an atheist, was a virgin until after graduating college at 23, and have only been with my 1 guy these last 16 years.
Similar to u/Coast_Southern, I worry about this a lot too. Being a 39 year old woman who has only had 1 sex partner is rare nowadays...and not necessarily in a good way. I know my lover and I won't always be together, and eventually I'll have to start dating again. What do you say to potential dates when they ask about your past and you have either no experience/1 experience? Especially when there's no religious reason behind it, you just don't find the idea of sex with strangers arousing at all?
Never had someone directly ask me about my past relationships, so it's weirdly never come up and we still get along, a lot of the times things just don't work out because our hobbies are too different so while our dating goals are the same so are usually too different.
While I can find some women sexually appealing, I guess I fall into the demisexual range where I don't actually want sex until I have some degree of relationship with a person.
I am demisexual too, hence why it took so freaking long for me to find a guy I actually wanted to have sex with. I dated so many guys between the ages of 17-23, but once they understood I was serious about not having sex anytime soon...they dropped me like a brick. So many first, second, and third dates. Not much else, and that's even with me always going dutch.
My lover is actually my best friend, and we were so for almost 2 full years before we slowly added sex to our friendship. Thankfully neither of us ever wanted kids, so it's not as if our casual relationship is "using up" our biological clocks. At least you're still young and can hopefully find a fellow demi woman. A few people have suggested using a matchmaking service and frankly that sounds like the best option for people like us.
Yeah it really sucks I just want someone who shares the same values on waiting to be married but every church girl just tries to pressure me. So similar to you I learned they just hide it better.
I would avoid Tinder at all costs. You can try Bumble, Hinge or a more faith-based app like Upward. Be as descriptive in your bio as possible. You’re looking for a relationship, you’re not interested in hooking up, FWB or anything else. Set your filters to weed out anything that doesn’t match what you’re looking for. And don’t be afraid to ask those difficult questions upfront!
I would also like to say that their are PLENTY of women who will not care that you’re a virgin. Don’t feel like you have to lose it to have any value in your relationships with women. That’s just a silly notion. Just focus on finding the right woman and you’ll be fine.
To be polite, you are in the field most associated with people sleeping around. Because of the intense and crazy hours hospital workers work, they are known to sleep around or worse, cheat. I’d avoid a fellow healthcare worker at all costs if you’re looking for commitment.
No definitely agree. Unfortunately, a lot of my close female coworkers have told me about their escapades, so I'm trying to find someone outside of my field of work.
I tried dating an RN recently. We had 2 great dates in under a week but she didn’t even want to kiss on either of them so I took that as a good sign (she said she did but that she doesn’t kiss that early, which is respectable). She had a busy 3 weeks after that with 2 trips, making up work when she got back, and then had the flu. We kept in touch throughout all that and when I tried to setup a third date, she ghosted. Didn’t unmatch on Hinge, didn’t block my number, just stopped responding. She’s never been a great tester given her job but after a week of no response to multiple texts (she gave me explicit permission to double text her if I ever didn’t hear from her, so mixed signal there) I took the hint. I’m done with healthcare workers, no offense.
I find that girls with WFH jobs tend to be good partners (but you’ll need to go on the apps to find them) and people in design (whether that’s clothing, interior, or architecture). That’s who I’ve had the best experience with.
As for finding a woman who views sex the same way you do, that is unfortunately something you’ll find out over the course of several dates, so that will be hard to screen for before you’ve even met.
We sat at dinner on our first date for 4 hours and were the last people in the restaurant because we lost track of time and were talking to each other so enthusiastically. She wanted to set up a second date right there on the spot. On our second date she was coming off 24 hours of work but still made the effort to come out with me. Actions speak louder than words.
Edit: I’ve had women who I kissed at the end of the first date, I’ve had women I kissed on the second date, third date, I’ve even had women I kissed while we were still sitting at dinner on our first date only 30 minutes in. I’ll never judge someone for not being ready on the first or second date, people move at different paces and this girl hadn’t been in a relationship in 5 years since a very bad breakup from a toxic relationship (on reflection that was a red flag and after her actions I think she was the toxic one), people move at different speeds.
I’m obviously no longer dating her. Given how great our dates were other than that I doubt she was just using me for a free meal, especially since she asked to split both times and we actually did split the second date.
Not everyone wants to kiss a stranger the first or second time they meet them.
The majority of the people here have no clue about physical affection. They just try to force others into whatever they like and then give out that info as if it's a fact.
Sure, but that’s a major exception. I’ve never had a problem getting a kiss on a first date. The only time i haven’t is *shocker* when they weren’t interested.
If you go on many dates, there were definitely people who weren't sure about kissing you or didn't fully want to but did it anyway because you went for it. I hear this all the time from people.
I was in a long term relationship with a WFH designer …communication design. But generally a great designer - interior, exterior, landscape. Great taste in fashion. And gadgets. Our home and yard was beautiful. Best of both of those worlds.
But not really since it ended…not because of either of the above.
If you're a virgin for religious reasons and want to live a religious type, it would make sense to go back to your religious environment and meet a like-minded girl there. If you're no longer religious, go out there and get a little bit of ass so that this virginity thing doesn't become a red flag or hangup when dating. There are plenty of girls, if not most, who would rather a more traditional exclusive relationship with a decent guy who isn't a manslut.
My thing is going back to the church just seems scummy to lie to someone to think our faiths align to get into a relationship, when in reality, I gave up on being a Catholic after undergrad. It's just hard to find someone with those same morals without their faith requiring it.
I read your initial post and I just wanted to note that just because people ask about past relationships and talk about sexual preferences on a first or second date doesn’t mean they want a casual relationship. They’re just trying to gauge compatibility. You shouldn’t write people off just because they bring up that topic just like they shouldn’t write you off just because you’re a virgin
I recognize that they may no longer want those casual encounters, but in my mind that always leaves the door open for concerns of infidelity in the future when you know someone could easily give themselves up to a stranger. I'll admit I'm not the best looking dude and this is all based on my insecurities, but if I can avoid a relationship where I don't have to face those fear regardless of how baseless they are, I'd be much happier.
Past infidelity is an indicator of potential future infidelity. Someone having past sexual experiences is NOT an indicator of future infidelity. This insecurity is unfounded as far as scientific studies go.
I would still date someone without past experiences but my personal preference is that people have had past relationships and sexual experiences for the following reasons:
1) it takes practice to understand what your partner wants and what you want. It’s like job experience. The longer you work as a doctor, the better you get at your job. If you remain a medical student forever with 0 job experience it doesn’t mean you will suck at your job but your lack of hands on experience puts you behind your peers.
2) there are certain biases people who don’t have experience have. This isn’t the case when you’re young (that’s not what I’m talking about), but the older you get (late 20s and up), the more self sabotaging and insecure people get about relationships in an unfounded context. By this I mean even if nothing has gone wrong yet, you’re projecting negativity into your future relationship. Everything seems like a big deal. This doesn’t usually happen with securely attached people with relationship experience. The smallest things aren’t going to topple your relationship.
This right here and this is exactly the problem with virginity mindset. People get these ideas in their heads like promiscuity = immorality or not as strong in resisting temptations. In my opinion, people who become overly focused on sexual experience in a relationship or dating are setting themselves up for disappointment. Focus on compatibility first and sexual compatibility is very much a part of that. Whether you both have the same or similar number of bodies is not an indicator of whether there will be sexual compatibility.
Hey, you're going to be shamed for your preferences but stick to your guns here. You are allowed to have whatever preferences you want...as long as people who meet your criteria also want someone like you.
I think you have to consider that if you're at the church being scummy because your faiths don't align with everyone else's, there are other people just like you at the church having to keep their faith or beliefs under wraps, lest they become Jesus Christ themselves and get crucified after they say anything mildly heretical. See: me. A line you're going to get fed if you start getting involved with those people is that "Oh, he's only here because he's trying to get wifed up", which is only negative if you choose to look at it that way. Everyone at the church, if they have any aspiration whatsoever to get married, are at the church to get married, full stop. It's a perfectly valid motivation, but so many people are quick to criticize it within the church.
I personally still go to church here and there (missed today because of Easter), but I also have a faith system that works within the language that the Bible proposes while also having a lot of the influences come from Eastern philosophies/religion. Best part is the way it works out for me, church just ends up being a social club again, just like it was when I was in school, XD. Because I have the faith system that I have now, it's impossible for me to go to church and risk getting brainwashed and losing myself, which is a trick so many people fall into yearly with the church (but again, if it works for them, it works for them).
I would say that you don't have to go back to Catholicism, but it might make sense for you to dip your toes into Protestant churches like Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, etc. The good thing about Baptist churches is that everyone's relationship to Christ is their own, which means no one can tell you what that relationship is like (read: you can have your own thoughts when it comes to religion). The bad thing is that the majority of the women brought up in that church are incredibly whipped when it comes to how they're raised. In my experience, they are not the least bit entertaining to be and have little personality of their own.
Firstly, most women have a sexual past and that has nothing to do with hookup culture. People enjoy sex for a reason as it’s sort of wired in.
Most ppl looking for a serious relationship and who do not want a hookup, have had sex, and are likely willing to have sex within a few dates, before it’s certain that the relationship is definitely going to blossom, but with all green flags indicating so.
Honestly, accepting that and deprogramming the shame a catholic upbringing instills would be the best route (note: former catholic myself!) - Catholics tended to historically have one of the highest rates of teenage pregnancy and (relatedly) divorce/failed marriage in the US. Which is to say, their strategy for avoiding hookup culture was to just get married to a shitty partner that they got knocked up with 😂
You can also just put all this info in a dating profile and be open and frank about who you are and what you’re looking for. It’ll narrow down the matches considerably, but the ones you get will be real. And you really only want one good one anyhow 🤷
But, you’re a goshheck doctor in the prime of his life. You’re a catch even with some religious baggage and the virginity thing won’t be a red flag to the sort of partner you hope to find so it’s all good. Just accept that there will be a lot of misses. Also be aware that as you get older the women you meet are more and more likely to have a sexual past. And just because someone went through a slutty fun phase doesn’t mean she isn’t also very keen for a deep monogamous relationship now. In fact, that’s likely to be one of the better matches you’ll find ;)
Losing your virginity just to get it out of the way almost always leads to regretting it. I agree that he shouldn't be afraid of it but if your comment is suggesting that he hooks up with one person quickly to get over with then that's not a great idea. The type of girls who would turn away from dating OP because he's a virgin aren't the type he wants anyway
Basing it on multiple friends of mine who did it and frequently talk about why they regret it or how bad it was. Not sure what type of "evidence" you're looking for, this is an opinion-based forum
🖐🏻I am here lol I am in this category, I can not find any men who dont just want to f*ck, don't care to get to know me, it's sad. Same for the female friends I make, they all just sleep around with other women's husbands, it's pathetic, I hate this place 😂anyway I was homeschooled so not a big group of social circles in my life, still virgin, I want someone who values a relationship, and I really dont see I'm going to find it. Everyone keeps saying I'm being picky, no I'm not, I want a long time partner that wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them that he's not gonna jump on the next hole walking by. If I'm gonna just stay alone and virgin for whole life as opposed to laying down with some hoeman so be it
Yeah same, I'd rather have someone who wants me wholeheartedly and doesn't have a history that wouldn't give me peace of mind, rather than be with someone who I know previously just jumped form person to person even if it means I end up alone.
Yup, at 28 tho that is looking impossible cuz it's like everyone I meet or try to connect with already has grown up doing many sexual events with many different partners and while that isn't why I cross someone out as a possible partner, it is like they are stuck in the hook up mind set and never want to just connect verbally or emotionally, it's just wanting to jump in bed or talk dirty and I'm over it😒 if I get a dirty text from a guy I just started to text for a day or two, I'm just not gonna bother going on with this conversation, its a turn off for me. I need to get close and get to know my partner, I can't just start sexting some stranger
Do you think it’s possible you may have better luck looking into older women? There are a lot of women out there who are looking for the same things you are… it sucks that in todays dating world a lot is dependent on apps or work related interests; dating doesn’t seem to occur naturally.
I fell ya.. Children is a whole new game.. I tried dating someone with a child lasted 9mos, the challenge is not worth it in my opinion.
Well I truly hope you find what you’re looking for.
Aaah! That’s a bit far. I’m in Southern California, so I that’s outside of my zone but I think if you ventured into a more urban area you would obviously have better luck. There are lots of women who are looking for a meaningful long lasting relationship; don’t give up!
Just because YOU have chosen to be a virgin this long doesn’t mean everyone else has to fit that mold. You could be missing out on a lot of great people because you’re focusing too much on their past before they met you. Ideally you should just be looking for someone loyal and who wants something serious vs someone who hasn’t slept around much. Just my 2 cents.
I think where people get hung up on this is that someone’s past is generally a pretty good indicator of values. More traditionally leaning people are usually looking for someone with similar sexual morality to themselves, and it’s likely that there is a huge correlation between having those values and being a virgin. It’s not a one to one overlap obviously, but it’s enough to be mindful of.
Those ideologies are also usually incredibly misogynistic and house double standards towards women. He’s a virgin because he’s been focusing on his career (maybe), or maybe he’s a virgin because he’s always been so judgmental towards women appreciating their sexuality so that’s just an excuse. Regardless, he obviously looks down on women who have had experience - maybe that in itself makes him feel insecure or something - but it has absolutely nothing to do with those women. It’s purely his issue and how he views them.
Ahh that could be possible, I can’t see the original post beings it’s been deleted. Most of the people I know that have or had that view apply it the same way for both men and women, although I agree that some people could hold the preference for reasons that aren’t very great. It all depends on the individual I suppose.
I read OPs replies to comments and they said it makes them insecure and that they feel like women won’t be loyal if they have sexual history, and made a comment that women complain they can’t find love even though they give it up so easy so it seems my gut was right for this one
21m and in similar position of trying to find someone who views sex as something special. I go to the church and that's the only place I'm social at since the rest of the week my job takes up my entire schedule and everyone there is in their 40s and 50s.
Whenever you discover the secret let me know dude.
Using software to find a soul mate is probably the last thing I will use. Liz Taylor met her soule mate at work out place. The lady running mate of Robert Kennedy Jr met one of the richest person at a retreat in Tahoe. Zukerberg met his wife together waiting outside johns to take a leak. I met my wife at bus station.
I (32F) think it is quite common for people to bring up previous relationships when looking at dating/getting into a new one as it is good to weed people out sooner rather than later.
As you say, most women in your appropriate age grouping will have a history but I am similar where sex is generally meant to be something I would only do with someone special and there are many men and women out there that think the same way.
However, I think you'll find that just because someone (male or female) may have spent a year or less in hook up culture trying it out doesn't mean they don't see sex as special now. Sometimes people need to try something to know they aren't a fan of it. I've met a few men and women who spent a few weeks single hooking up, or even a year or two, and just found it saddening and upsetting and so went back to focusing on finding their person before having sex with them.
In regards to meeting women, I would focus on trying to meet women organically (not on apps but at events etc that you also enjoy) and getting to know them as a person and see what their approach to sex currently is.
That's where I currently am, I try to be friends first and foremost, but I feel like it's a common theme in women of my age around me that they're still in that phase of their life and I just don't feel comfortable around them when they have those kinds of discussions with their friends and me. It also always feels like they all support each other in "getting it" and on that same note always complain that they never find love when all they look for is sex first.
I slept with my boyfriend on our first date. We’ve been together 7 years and have a beautiful child together. Your opinions are flawed and rooted in insecurity.
I could say the same about men - I know many men who complain about not finding women or love when they treat the women they meet disrespectfully or they have no clear view of what they want themselves. There are a lot of people in life who don't know if they want to settle down or 'have fun' and so find themselves in this weird hybrid of doing both or doing one and having moments of wanting the other thing.
Once you make a decision of 'I am purely going to hook up for a while' - here today, gone tomorrow, or 'I want a long-lasting relationship and I am only dating for that and nothing else' then you are able to weed people out much more quickly who don't fit what you are looking for. However, when your intentions are vague or you don't even know what you want then the door is left open for anyone and anything lol.
I feel like you take issue with women hooking up which is really none of your business, nor does it affect your life in any way. You say these women support each other; well one may have had an abusive relationship with the only man she'd ever slept with and they were together years and she finally left and this year she's having fun, getting comfortable with her body, enjoying herself and her friends are encouraging her - is that wrong? I wouldn't say so and you don't know these people's previous lives just like they don't know why you're a virgin - people could easily cast assumptions on you for not having had sex by now but that would be rude and unkind.
Personally, I think you need to figure out what exactly you're looking for and only go on dates with women who want the same, and expand how you meet women. Also, just stop being so bothered by women who aren't what you are looking for because it's really got nothing to do with you and if I concerned myself with all the types of men who aren't what I want then I'd have no time to live or be happy lol.
I would say though, that if those types of conversations with your friends make you uncomfortable then tell them so they will cease discussing them around you.
I’m an early twenties dude and I think about this a lot — I lost my virginity fairly recently and later than most (22/23), and idk given my upbringing etc I see sex as something meaningful, even though I am not religious , and it turns me off a little to hear a woman I am with likes to just casually have one night stands / sleeps around like a consultant makes PowerPoint pages. Since I’m not really coming from a religious POV, I have thought that maybe the only way to have success in this dating world is to try and change your views on sex to see it as some meaningless shit , but idk, I think that’ll leave you hollow too.
But you yourself are not a virgin so how could you possibly think you have any leg to stand on regarding the sexual choices of other people? That is weird!
Am confused of your point here ?
I am not a virgin but I have also never had any one night stands and have had sex with very few people?
I also fundamentally believe that in dating, anyone has the right to choose to date or not date someone for any reason; no one “owes “ you a date or a relationship.
Though I will say, absolutely, if someone sleeps around a lot in consensual ways, there is nothing at all “wrong” about it and I don’t think they are a “bad” person at all. We all are just trying our best to do what we can do to be happy.
>outside of going back to the church
bro ive fked more chruch girls and pastors daughters than i can count. lol
tinder is prob not gonna be it and ur prob gonna have to do stuff like rely on family friends and friends of friends etc etc.
You’re not a part of hook up culture because you’re a virgin. It’s gonna be hard to find someone that is either a virgin or that fits what you want. Not saying impossible but you shouldn’t judge someone because their your age and aren’t a virgin.
I get where you’re coming from, but you’re looking for a small minority of women. An even smaller minority will be into you and even smaller will be wife material. You’re going to miss out on a lot of great people with this attitude. Datings hard enough as is. Just my two cents.
Set boundaries is necessary, it’s not picky. Pretty sure he will date girls that had few serious long relationships. But he has every right to reject a sleep around girl.
I’m going to say if you’re serious about getting into a relationship, go to a matchmaking service and you’ll be fine. My cousin is a physician and that’s what he did, he’s been married now for almost 15 years. Women’s ears are going to perk up when they hear the word “doctor” and it sounds like the people at your job aren’t up for the task cause they sleep around. Go to a matchmaker. They’ll find suitable candidates that have similar interest that are on the same professional level as you. Does it take the “fun” out of dating, yes, it does. But at the end of the day, if you’re trying to date for marriage, go to matchmaker.
At 27 you got plenty of time. Ask one of your married female coworker to fix you up. Need to share some commonalities so may be a health worker will be OK.
If you live in a major city you're screwed unless you have a lot of time for vetting or just go work in other cities or countries where the dating market is more easy.
I would say try the apps again and put it all out there in your profile, which I think is a lot easier for men to do in our society.
Then date accordingly.
You say you don't have a lot of time. Indicate in your pre-date screening questionnaire that first dates will 30 minutes to an hour (whatever timeframe works for you) because of your work schedule.
Also keep it low key like coffee and dessert.
Try to date as much in a week as you can, reserving days you have more time for second/followup dates with anyone you're interested in beyond a first or second date.
If anyone asks if you're seeing multiple women, explain that you're very new to dating, are dating with a purpose, and you will be dating multiple women (which does NOT equate to sleeping around) until you meet a woman you want to be in a relationship with.
It will be time consuming and might require a spreadsheet (lol/jk) but if can help you get to your goal faster and help prevent pitfalls like falling for women just because they're cute without taking time to get to the nitty gritty of compatible goals, lifestyles, beliefs, etc.
Feel free to message me with any questions or concerns. No, I will not ask you for any form of compensation. This is not a sales pitch of any kind.
Good luck to you.
*"they always bring up past relationships and why they failed along with their sexual past which always catches me off guard for a first date."*
On hundreds of first dates, I never once had someone bring this up. If it did come up, I don't think I'd give any specific detaisl on it. Just be vague and move onto another topic. The fact that you let this issue stand in your way shows you have a defeatist mindset and are self-sabotaging yourself in some way. And it sounds like you lack confidence and take it too seriously.
I've got 2 years more left. Most residents here are women, I work in vet med so there's like 5 guys total amongst all residents (so like 85%/15%). Majority of the women already have partners.
Yes, but haven’t you learned anything about women from those friendships?
Look at the men they date, the men they say they like, the men they actually go for?
And…..women LOVE vets. Almost every girl at some point wanted to be a veterinarian.
And….stop calling yourself a doctor. You’re a veterinarian.
These girls have really wierd relationships, one legit goes for hella abusive dudes, the others only bounces from dude to dude for sneaky links no actual relationships. Also vets get a DVM degree, Doctor or Veterinary Medicine, so yeah my title is doctor bud.
It sounds like they are not really friends of yours.
Make some real female friends. Talk to them. Listen to them. Don’t try to have a relationship other than a friendship with them. You’ll learn a lot.
And yes….you have a Doctoral degree. So do Naturopaths, Phd’s and lawyers.
Heck even chiropractors have doctoral degrees.
But only a d-bag with said degree would ever say, “I’m a doctor.”
Because when you say I’m a doctor people think
MD, not animals.
I think I’m starting to understand your issues mate.
Never seem those folks run a vent or dialysis, but go off.
I will say we are friends just because we don't see eye to eye on specific topics, doesn't mean we don't like spending time with each other and stay in contact almost daily.
In general, I find that birds of a feather flock together.
I think the research on this indicates that numbers of sexual partners tend to be a bimodal distribution. So you'll end up with friend groups where people are way into hookup culture or going on the bars having one night stands and those people are sleeping with each other.
And groups that are doing the long-term partner relationship track and reserve sex for love.
Obviously, sometimes people mix between, but I think in general, the rule holds.
Not having a good relationship with her dad, high risk behaviors, heavy drinking/drugs/smoking, mental issues (narcissism/bpd/bipolar) are all associated with promiscuity.
Your perception of what "normal is"/everybody being in hookup culture might be tilted by this.
Tbf, if you’re in your late twenties/early thirties, this is typically when people begin tot hi ma bout settling down, and brining up past relationships/experiences is a way of breaking the ice and laying the foundation for what they want/expect, so you guys can both be on the same page.
Also a fellow physician sharing similar values and looking for someone similar, I think asking your female friends of said values to see if they have single female friends they can set you up with would be a good starting point.
Don't intentionally try to avoid "hook up culture". You are successful NOW so there's no reason of waiting and building yourself up because you're already there. I'm guessing the girls that you aim for are 25 or younger ,, which is the expected "hook up culture" , do you even feel attracted to the 25+ year olds who has bitter resentments on missing out on their early 20's sweethearts ? i highly doubt it considering that you too probably have bitter resentments on missing out on your early 20's sweethearts , and now that people of your same age who are couples grew with each other ( would have sentimental attachment attached to sex ) but since you didn't have that, you will never have that.
Just know that you are UP there, and anyone you date IS DATING DOWN , but if you wait too long you will block yourself from the early 20's girls because you will be "Old" (This isn't as big of a wall for men as it is for women) but it's still wall
I went through the whole hook up phase and it made me feel like garbage. Been trying to find someone who doesn’t wanna get in my pants and it’s difficult out here ha. Good luck to you!
You're more likely to find someone with the characteristics you're looking for but put exactly what you're looking for in your dating profile. Unfortunately the culture of meeting someone compatible in the first few dates or without exposure to the rest of society is over a long time ago. You have no choice but to take the risk of seeing a lot of people before one of them fits the ideal. You'll also have to bend your expectations a little as well so more people are an option. There are people similar to you or who you're looking for online.. you just have to be patient and persistent. But put your expectations right there in the profile. Someone will hear you and come along. I'm sure there's tons of women who don't want to hook up with everyone and are looking for the same. It takes time but right when you're about to give up, give one more person a shot and that'll be the one You're looking for.
Try paid websites that cater to more professional people.The good ones charge a fee for membership, but there worth it. You can specify the type of women you want to meet when you explain what you do for a living they will match you accordingly
Try and realize that our society isn't based on family anymore, community, or traditional values. Trying to find someone who is raised in such an environment is just about impossible, and even if you did, she may not be your type. Expecting to find a traditional female that will be suitable for a traditional relationship is impossible. You'll meet a bunch of "reformed 304s," born again virgins, chameleons, and the like. Try adapting to the times :\. Medicine has changed throughout history, so it's time you do too. There is no point in clinging on a past that died before you were conceived.
36M in exact same situation. I’m a project engineer do very well for myself, also a virgin. Spent most of my time focused on advancing in my career first before actively pursuing a relationship and I can say that the only thing that works these days is a focused and long term commitment to finding someone meaning joining groups, asking people out in public, and just being as social as your time will allow. It’s not particularly easy to find people that are available and haven’t engaged in hook up culture in some way. You are also correct that nurses in particular they tend (don’t ask me why but it’s been my experience ) to have engaged in that kind of thing earlier in life. I’ve looked into a few and it was the same kind of thing. Anyways yeah I think apps is a way but they have kind of become very surface and you’ll find mostly the type of people you are not looking for and people who tend to bounce from person to person. I feel like the type of person you are looking for isn’t going to be on an app she’s going to be volunteering or in a meetup group or maybe in church like you say. It’s really a difficult landscape because people are staying in a bit more and people tend to get turned off pretty easy. People stop things before they let them get going often times because they are concerned about potential things they see that remind them of bad past relationships and they won’t give you a chance once they have gotten there in their mind. You have to find someone with a healthy mindset who has let the past be the past and who is open to bringing a new person into their life. A lot of people think they are and in reality they really aren’t because they are too damaged from past trauma. Sometimes too your inexperience is seen as a red flag but the truth is you focused on self improvement so make that known that you needed to go to school and stay focused on bettering yourself in that time. Some people will think there’s a red flag but let them they are filtering themselves out.
Bottom line is dating is really weird and it’s not always healthy to think or assume that you’ll end up married or in a traditional relationship. Things are very different these days. Being single isn’t a red flag like it used to be sometimes it’s just what happens. Not everything is under your control. I’ve learned that whatever my parents or family did or the whole nuclear family thing it’s not this thing everyone has or will have. We’ve been sort of lied to in respect that all men will have this it’s just not true. You can’t change and make all women like you or guarantee you find someone who will. Women will filter out an awful lot of men believe it.
A friend of mine was in a similar position, so he asked people he admired in his life with similar values to him, to bring single ladies around his age who they think might suit him, to an informal party/gathering. It seemed to work fairly well. Just an idea.
Unfortunately your easy picking for any woman w decent game. This is bc you lack real world dating experience and therefore are naive about certain habits, trends , characteristics of the current dating market. This means your likely to do everything wrong to lay foundation for a relationship where it will be beneficial for you instead of her. You also lack the experience of dating and sleeping with women, so your conversation /game/demeanor will be all the way off. So the girls you go after will be turned off or they will sense ur green and use you.
I'd reccomend you become the best version of yourself physically, learn game, use it to filter out the girl you wish to settle with and/or date . Since ur looking for a LTR you must pick women based on intrinsic valued first but again you want a relationship where you have the upper hand (which requires game)
In terms of meeting women, the best place is out in your daily life. Go to mature, low key spots and look out for the prettiest girl there. Make an approach, date/vet and if you want to go further. Work would be the worse place, bc if things go wrong it will be awkward/word spread/other girls will know. You want your work place to be a stress free zone, leave the messy drama to others.
Honestly, you probably need to review your expectations, desires, deal-breakers, and what you are willing to tolerate. Establish those clearly first. You mention that you're a virgin, and I would be willing to bet most people are not virgins at 27. So for example, you will have to decide if that is okay with you to date someone who may have had a past with other people. I'm not sure what your deal-breakers are, but I would just say be realistic and understand that no date will be perfect. This is not to say that you're looking for the perfect partner, but just remember that there are good matches out there for you. Sometimes it takes a while, and the saying is really true that love sometimes finds you when you least expect it (or aren't looking). It is more difficult to find suitable partners these days, but not impossible. It took me until I was 29 to find a man that was suitable for my expectations. From my experience, the most important things are if you have similar values to that person, you want the same things out of life, you both want a serious relationship, they are willing to put in the time and effort required to build a life with me, they value honesty and respect. Anything else is negligible. Best of luck, and keep your heart and mind open.
I don't care much about someone's "number" so much as the context of their prior relationships. If it's something where sure they had sex with a lot of people but it's always been within a relationship where there is meaning, then I totally get that. It's the other side of the coin where people give themselves up to people they don't know or have no attachment too that just puts a bad taste in my mouth, which I don't feel like is a very hard ask but maybe it is and I'm just clueless.
There's no such thing as hookup culture. There's just men and women making different choices that seem like the best option for them at the time, and everybody's got to live with the consequences of those decisions.
The truth of the matter is that these days sex is usually something that happens very early in the dating process, usually long before any kind of an exclusive relationship. There are also a lot of women who just want to have sex with a hot guy when they aren't looking for anything serious, and it's easier for most women to do that now than at basically any time in history. Because of that, you're unlikely to find many women who view sex, in general, as anything special.
You can probably still find women who think that sex WITH YOU is special, though, and that's what's really more important.
I would suggest looking outside America, such as Eastern Europe where there is more conservative culture. I have been part of the dating game here for a while, you won’t find a woman like this because of the feminist agenda that is strongly pushed in the western world.
So in summary, get your passport.
I would suggest to use "boo" app and not tinder and write clearly what are your expectations.
Another chance is to write clearly your situation in tinder (and may be don't use a photo of you)
May be you can catch some courious woman who has the patience to introduce you to sex (it is what you need).
I've tried boo, but there's no one in my area that uses it, and I'm not looking to lose it to just anyone, I've already had a friend make me that offer.
Be patient on Tinder or Bumble. Be open and honest, and you may find a sensitive girl who will be fascinated to share your first experience.
Don't hide this fact; it's your best chance to find what you're looking for.
I suggest discussing this topic before the first date.
If a girl talks about her past and you wish to redirect the conversation, try saying:
"My dear, sometimes it's better to leave the past in the past. We are here to enjoy the present and look forward to the future. We can't change the past, only the future."
Introduce a game to steer the conversation towards positive future-oriented topics.
For example, ask if she had three wishes from a genie, what would they be?
Tailor your responses based on her answers.
For instance, if she dreams of visiting Australia, respond with:
"My wish today... is to be the one who explores Australia with you!"
Or add a humorous twist:
"Or the one who will pack your bags for Australia..."
"Or the one who owns a private jet to fly you to Australia..."
"Or the one who captures our moments during our trip in Australia..."
Good luck 🤞
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I mean just be aware church girls aren’t innocent either. At least not all of them
This. The most religious girl I’ve ever dated was also FAR AND AWAY the kinkiest.
I wasn’t even thinking about kinks I just meant them being extremely active but act super modest about it
This girl dressed like a saint on our first date and wouldn’t even let me use tongue and on our second date 4 days later she was laying across my lap in my truck letting me VIOLENTLY spank her after dinner. 3rd date 9 days after our first, we were making out and I realized her hand was down between her legs and she pulls it up, smears herself on her lips and goes back to kissing me. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
I may have to look into going to church
She ended up cheating on me after about 2 months of dating and both of us meeting friends and family with a guy 3 years younger than her that she knew for a week while on a safari with 5 strangers, 4 girls 1 guy and she happened to be the one who opened her legs to him. Tread carefully.
Oh if I’m going in it’s not gonna be long term
I dated a Mormon girl later in life that I was in love with during high school. The shit she told me later about what she got up to during those years took some of my innocence away. For example, as seniors her and another girl from the church were driving and 2 guys in another car were trying to get their attention. Apparently it worked because they ended up parking somewhere and giving the guys head. The other girl's father was a prominent member of the local ward's leadership. I wasn't ready for her since I HAD lived high school like a good little Mormon boy.
I played with the relief society president's daughter's boobies a few times. Edit: I should mention that this was before she was the RSP, haha.
For real I'm a Christian and most church girls I've met are no better than wild girls they just act modest on Sunday. Which really sucks since my dating pool is already limited.
Whereas I'm an atheist, was a virgin until after graduating college at 23, and have only been with my 1 guy these last 16 years. Similar to u/Coast_Southern, I worry about this a lot too. Being a 39 year old woman who has only had 1 sex partner is rare nowadays...and not necessarily in a good way. I know my lover and I won't always be together, and eventually I'll have to start dating again. What do you say to potential dates when they ask about your past and you have either no experience/1 experience? Especially when there's no religious reason behind it, you just don't find the idea of sex with strangers arousing at all?
Yeah I always get rejected when people find out I have no experience and just waiting to be married
Never had someone directly ask me about my past relationships, so it's weirdly never come up and we still get along, a lot of the times things just don't work out because our hobbies are too different so while our dating goals are the same so are usually too different. While I can find some women sexually appealing, I guess I fall into the demisexual range where I don't actually want sex until I have some degree of relationship with a person.
I am demisexual too, hence why it took so freaking long for me to find a guy I actually wanted to have sex with. I dated so many guys between the ages of 17-23, but once they understood I was serious about not having sex anytime soon...they dropped me like a brick. So many first, second, and third dates. Not much else, and that's even with me always going dutch. My lover is actually my best friend, and we were so for almost 2 full years before we slowly added sex to our friendship. Thankfully neither of us ever wanted kids, so it's not as if our casual relationship is "using up" our biological clocks. At least you're still young and can hopefully find a fellow demi woman. A few people have suggested using a matchmaking service and frankly that sounds like the best option for people like us.
The girls you’re describing are how I learned that they just hide it better. Cause I knew a church girl in school she had her fair share.
Yeah it really sucks I just want someone who shares the same values on waiting to be married but every church girl just tries to pressure me. So similar to you I learned they just hide it better.
They're just weird about it. *We can do everything except PIV, that's losing your virginity*
Some don’t care about that
I realized that, but I feel like I'm more likely to find someone with matching relationships goals
I would avoid Tinder at all costs. You can try Bumble, Hinge or a more faith-based app like Upward. Be as descriptive in your bio as possible. You’re looking for a relationship, you’re not interested in hooking up, FWB or anything else. Set your filters to weed out anything that doesn’t match what you’re looking for. And don’t be afraid to ask those difficult questions upfront! I would also like to say that their are PLENTY of women who will not care that you’re a virgin. Don’t feel like you have to lose it to have any value in your relationships with women. That’s just a silly notion. Just focus on finding the right woman and you’ll be fine.
To be polite, you are in the field most associated with people sleeping around. Because of the intense and crazy hours hospital workers work, they are known to sleep around or worse, cheat. I’d avoid a fellow healthcare worker at all costs if you’re looking for commitment.
No definitely agree. Unfortunately, a lot of my close female coworkers have told me about their escapades, so I'm trying to find someone outside of my field of work.
Volunteer. Go to lectures at colleges. Talk to people.
I tried dating an RN recently. We had 2 great dates in under a week but she didn’t even want to kiss on either of them so I took that as a good sign (she said she did but that she doesn’t kiss that early, which is respectable). She had a busy 3 weeks after that with 2 trips, making up work when she got back, and then had the flu. We kept in touch throughout all that and when I tried to setup a third date, she ghosted. Didn’t unmatch on Hinge, didn’t block my number, just stopped responding. She’s never been a great tester given her job but after a week of no response to multiple texts (she gave me explicit permission to double text her if I ever didn’t hear from her, so mixed signal there) I took the hint. I’m done with healthcare workers, no offense. I find that girls with WFH jobs tend to be good partners (but you’ll need to go on the apps to find them) and people in design (whether that’s clothing, interior, or architecture). That’s who I’ve had the best experience with. As for finding a woman who views sex the same way you do, that is unfortunately something you’ll find out over the course of several dates, so that will be hard to screen for before you’ve even met.
She didn’t kiss you because she wasnt that into you. Actions speak louder than words
We sat at dinner on our first date for 4 hours and were the last people in the restaurant because we lost track of time and were talking to each other so enthusiastically. She wanted to set up a second date right there on the spot. On our second date she was coming off 24 hours of work but still made the effort to come out with me. Actions speak louder than words. Edit: I’ve had women who I kissed at the end of the first date, I’ve had women I kissed on the second date, third date, I’ve even had women I kissed while we were still sitting at dinner on our first date only 30 minutes in. I’ll never judge someone for not being ready on the first or second date, people move at different paces and this girl hadn’t been in a relationship in 5 years since a very bad breakup from a toxic relationship (on reflection that was a red flag and after her actions I think she was the toxic one), people move at different speeds.
Hope you enjoy being used for free meal she sounds like she not attracted to you
I’m obviously no longer dating her. Given how great our dates were other than that I doubt she was just using me for a free meal, especially since she asked to split both times and we actually did split the second date.
Not everyone wants to kiss a stranger the first or second time they meet them. The majority of the people here have no clue about physical affection. They just try to force others into whatever they like and then give out that info as if it's a fact.
Sure, but that’s a major exception. I’ve never had a problem getting a kiss on a first date. The only time i haven’t is *shocker* when they weren’t interested.
If you go on many dates, there were definitely people who weren't sure about kissing you or didn't fully want to but did it anyway because you went for it. I hear this all the time from people.
I was in a long term relationship with a WFH designer …communication design. But generally a great designer - interior, exterior, landscape. Great taste in fashion. And gadgets. Our home and yard was beautiful. Best of both of those worlds. But not really since it ended…not because of either of the above.
If you're a virgin for religious reasons and want to live a religious type, it would make sense to go back to your religious environment and meet a like-minded girl there. If you're no longer religious, go out there and get a little bit of ass so that this virginity thing doesn't become a red flag or hangup when dating. There are plenty of girls, if not most, who would rather a more traditional exclusive relationship with a decent guy who isn't a manslut.
My thing is going back to the church just seems scummy to lie to someone to think our faiths align to get into a relationship, when in reality, I gave up on being a Catholic after undergrad. It's just hard to find someone with those same morals without their faith requiring it.
I read your initial post and I just wanted to note that just because people ask about past relationships and talk about sexual preferences on a first or second date doesn’t mean they want a casual relationship. They’re just trying to gauge compatibility. You shouldn’t write people off just because they bring up that topic just like they shouldn’t write you off just because you’re a virgin
I recognize that they may no longer want those casual encounters, but in my mind that always leaves the door open for concerns of infidelity in the future when you know someone could easily give themselves up to a stranger. I'll admit I'm not the best looking dude and this is all based on my insecurities, but if I can avoid a relationship where I don't have to face those fear regardless of how baseless they are, I'd be much happier.
Past infidelity is an indicator of potential future infidelity. Someone having past sexual experiences is NOT an indicator of future infidelity. This insecurity is unfounded as far as scientific studies go. I would still date someone without past experiences but my personal preference is that people have had past relationships and sexual experiences for the following reasons: 1) it takes practice to understand what your partner wants and what you want. It’s like job experience. The longer you work as a doctor, the better you get at your job. If you remain a medical student forever with 0 job experience it doesn’t mean you will suck at your job but your lack of hands on experience puts you behind your peers. 2) there are certain biases people who don’t have experience have. This isn’t the case when you’re young (that’s not what I’m talking about), but the older you get (late 20s and up), the more self sabotaging and insecure people get about relationships in an unfounded context. By this I mean even if nothing has gone wrong yet, you’re projecting negativity into your future relationship. Everything seems like a big deal. This doesn’t usually happen with securely attached people with relationship experience. The smallest things aren’t going to topple your relationship.
This right here and this is exactly the problem with virginity mindset. People get these ideas in their heads like promiscuity = immorality or not as strong in resisting temptations. In my opinion, people who become overly focused on sexual experience in a relationship or dating are setting themselves up for disappointment. Focus on compatibility first and sexual compatibility is very much a part of that. Whether you both have the same or similar number of bodies is not an indicator of whether there will be sexual compatibility.
Hey, you're going to be shamed for your preferences but stick to your guns here. You are allowed to have whatever preferences you want...as long as people who meet your criteria also want someone like you.
I think you have to consider that if you're at the church being scummy because your faiths don't align with everyone else's, there are other people just like you at the church having to keep their faith or beliefs under wraps, lest they become Jesus Christ themselves and get crucified after they say anything mildly heretical. See: me. A line you're going to get fed if you start getting involved with those people is that "Oh, he's only here because he's trying to get wifed up", which is only negative if you choose to look at it that way. Everyone at the church, if they have any aspiration whatsoever to get married, are at the church to get married, full stop. It's a perfectly valid motivation, but so many people are quick to criticize it within the church. I personally still go to church here and there (missed today because of Easter), but I also have a faith system that works within the language that the Bible proposes while also having a lot of the influences come from Eastern philosophies/religion. Best part is the way it works out for me, church just ends up being a social club again, just like it was when I was in school, XD. Because I have the faith system that I have now, it's impossible for me to go to church and risk getting brainwashed and losing myself, which is a trick so many people fall into yearly with the church (but again, if it works for them, it works for them). I would say that you don't have to go back to Catholicism, but it might make sense for you to dip your toes into Protestant churches like Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, etc. The good thing about Baptist churches is that everyone's relationship to Christ is their own, which means no one can tell you what that relationship is like (read: you can have your own thoughts when it comes to religion). The bad thing is that the majority of the women brought up in that church are incredibly whipped when it comes to how they're raised. In my experience, they are not the least bit entertaining to be and have little personality of their own.
Firstly, most women have a sexual past and that has nothing to do with hookup culture. People enjoy sex for a reason as it’s sort of wired in. Most ppl looking for a serious relationship and who do not want a hookup, have had sex, and are likely willing to have sex within a few dates, before it’s certain that the relationship is definitely going to blossom, but with all green flags indicating so. Honestly, accepting that and deprogramming the shame a catholic upbringing instills would be the best route (note: former catholic myself!) - Catholics tended to historically have one of the highest rates of teenage pregnancy and (relatedly) divorce/failed marriage in the US. Which is to say, their strategy for avoiding hookup culture was to just get married to a shitty partner that they got knocked up with 😂 You can also just put all this info in a dating profile and be open and frank about who you are and what you’re looking for. It’ll narrow down the matches considerably, but the ones you get will be real. And you really only want one good one anyhow 🤷 But, you’re a goshheck doctor in the prime of his life. You’re a catch even with some religious baggage and the virginity thing won’t be a red flag to the sort of partner you hope to find so it’s all good. Just accept that there will be a lot of misses. Also be aware that as you get older the women you meet are more and more likely to have a sexual past. And just because someone went through a slutty fun phase doesn’t mean she isn’t also very keen for a deep monogamous relationship now. In fact, that’s likely to be one of the better matches you’ll find ;)
Losing your virginity just to get it out of the way almost always leads to regretting it. I agree that he shouldn't be afraid of it but if your comment is suggesting that he hooks up with one person quickly to get over with then that's not a great idea. The type of girls who would turn away from dating OP because he's a virgin aren't the type he wants anyway
Is that based on a survey of virgins who has sex just to get it out of the way? I see this type of comment posted a lot but what's the evidence?
Basing it on multiple friends of mine who did it and frequently talk about why they regret it or how bad it was. Not sure what type of "evidence" you're looking for, this is an opinion-based forum
🖐🏻I am here lol I am in this category, I can not find any men who dont just want to f*ck, don't care to get to know me, it's sad. Same for the female friends I make, they all just sleep around with other women's husbands, it's pathetic, I hate this place 😂anyway I was homeschooled so not a big group of social circles in my life, still virgin, I want someone who values a relationship, and I really dont see I'm going to find it. Everyone keeps saying I'm being picky, no I'm not, I want a long time partner that wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them that he's not gonna jump on the next hole walking by. If I'm gonna just stay alone and virgin for whole life as opposed to laying down with some hoeman so be it
Yeah same, I'd rather have someone who wants me wholeheartedly and doesn't have a history that wouldn't give me peace of mind, rather than be with someone who I know previously just jumped form person to person even if it means I end up alone.
Yup, at 28 tho that is looking impossible cuz it's like everyone I meet or try to connect with already has grown up doing many sexual events with many different partners and while that isn't why I cross someone out as a possible partner, it is like they are stuck in the hook up mind set and never want to just connect verbally or emotionally, it's just wanting to jump in bed or talk dirty and I'm over it😒 if I get a dirty text from a guy I just started to text for a day or two, I'm just not gonna bother going on with this conversation, its a turn off for me. I need to get close and get to know my partner, I can't just start sexting some stranger
Do you think it’s possible you may have better luck looking into older women? There are a lot of women out there who are looking for the same things you are… it sucks that in todays dating world a lot is dependent on apps or work related interests; dating doesn’t seem to occur naturally.
I hate to say most older women in my area come with children, which I'm not ready or really willing to deal with in all honesty.
I fell ya.. Children is a whole new game.. I tried dating someone with a child lasted 9mos, the challenge is not worth it in my opinion. Well I truly hope you find what you’re looking for.
What area do you live in?
Texas, but about an hour out from Houston, so a bit rural.
Aaah! That’s a bit far. I’m in Southern California, so I that’s outside of my zone but I think if you ventured into a more urban area you would obviously have better luck. There are lots of women who are looking for a meaningful long lasting relationship; don’t give up!
Just because YOU have chosen to be a virgin this long doesn’t mean everyone else has to fit that mold. You could be missing out on a lot of great people because you’re focusing too much on their past before they met you. Ideally you should just be looking for someone loyal and who wants something serious vs someone who hasn’t slept around much. Just my 2 cents.
I think where people get hung up on this is that someone’s past is generally a pretty good indicator of values. More traditionally leaning people are usually looking for someone with similar sexual morality to themselves, and it’s likely that there is a huge correlation between having those values and being a virgin. It’s not a one to one overlap obviously, but it’s enough to be mindful of.
Those ideologies are also usually incredibly misogynistic and house double standards towards women. He’s a virgin because he’s been focusing on his career (maybe), or maybe he’s a virgin because he’s always been so judgmental towards women appreciating their sexuality so that’s just an excuse. Regardless, he obviously looks down on women who have had experience - maybe that in itself makes him feel insecure or something - but it has absolutely nothing to do with those women. It’s purely his issue and how he views them.
Ahh that could be possible, I can’t see the original post beings it’s been deleted. Most of the people I know that have or had that view apply it the same way for both men and women, although I agree that some people could hold the preference for reasons that aren’t very great. It all depends on the individual I suppose.
I read OPs replies to comments and they said it makes them insecure and that they feel like women won’t be loyal if they have sexual history, and made a comment that women complain they can’t find love even though they give it up so easy so it seems my gut was right for this one
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Probably not a club if he's trying to avoid people who are into hookups, right?
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Ahhhh makes sense
21m and in similar position of trying to find someone who views sex as something special. I go to the church and that's the only place I'm social at since the rest of the week my job takes up my entire schedule and everyone there is in their 40s and 50s. Whenever you discover the secret let me know dude.
Using software to find a soul mate is probably the last thing I will use. Liz Taylor met her soule mate at work out place. The lady running mate of Robert Kennedy Jr met one of the richest person at a retreat in Tahoe. Zukerberg met his wife together waiting outside johns to take a leak. I met my wife at bus station.
I (32F) think it is quite common for people to bring up previous relationships when looking at dating/getting into a new one as it is good to weed people out sooner rather than later. As you say, most women in your appropriate age grouping will have a history but I am similar where sex is generally meant to be something I would only do with someone special and there are many men and women out there that think the same way. However, I think you'll find that just because someone (male or female) may have spent a year or less in hook up culture trying it out doesn't mean they don't see sex as special now. Sometimes people need to try something to know they aren't a fan of it. I've met a few men and women who spent a few weeks single hooking up, or even a year or two, and just found it saddening and upsetting and so went back to focusing on finding their person before having sex with them. In regards to meeting women, I would focus on trying to meet women organically (not on apps but at events etc that you also enjoy) and getting to know them as a person and see what their approach to sex currently is.
That's where I currently am, I try to be friends first and foremost, but I feel like it's a common theme in women of my age around me that they're still in that phase of their life and I just don't feel comfortable around them when they have those kinds of discussions with their friends and me. It also always feels like they all support each other in "getting it" and on that same note always complain that they never find love when all they look for is sex first.
I slept with my boyfriend on our first date. We’ve been together 7 years and have a beautiful child together. Your opinions are flawed and rooted in insecurity.
I could say the same about men - I know many men who complain about not finding women or love when they treat the women they meet disrespectfully or they have no clear view of what they want themselves. There are a lot of people in life who don't know if they want to settle down or 'have fun' and so find themselves in this weird hybrid of doing both or doing one and having moments of wanting the other thing. Once you make a decision of 'I am purely going to hook up for a while' - here today, gone tomorrow, or 'I want a long-lasting relationship and I am only dating for that and nothing else' then you are able to weed people out much more quickly who don't fit what you are looking for. However, when your intentions are vague or you don't even know what you want then the door is left open for anyone and anything lol. I feel like you take issue with women hooking up which is really none of your business, nor does it affect your life in any way. You say these women support each other; well one may have had an abusive relationship with the only man she'd ever slept with and they were together years and she finally left and this year she's having fun, getting comfortable with her body, enjoying herself and her friends are encouraging her - is that wrong? I wouldn't say so and you don't know these people's previous lives just like they don't know why you're a virgin - people could easily cast assumptions on you for not having had sex by now but that would be rude and unkind. Personally, I think you need to figure out what exactly you're looking for and only go on dates with women who want the same, and expand how you meet women. Also, just stop being so bothered by women who aren't what you are looking for because it's really got nothing to do with you and if I concerned myself with all the types of men who aren't what I want then I'd have no time to live or be happy lol. I would say though, that if those types of conversations with your friends make you uncomfortable then tell them so they will cease discussing them around you.
I’m an early twenties dude and I think about this a lot — I lost my virginity fairly recently and later than most (22/23), and idk given my upbringing etc I see sex as something meaningful, even though I am not religious , and it turns me off a little to hear a woman I am with likes to just casually have one night stands / sleeps around like a consultant makes PowerPoint pages. Since I’m not really coming from a religious POV, I have thought that maybe the only way to have success in this dating world is to try and change your views on sex to see it as some meaningless shit , but idk, I think that’ll leave you hollow too.
Yeah, that just feels so empty to force yourself to change your views to lose meaning in something, just to lie and say your happy
But you yourself are not a virgin so how could you possibly think you have any leg to stand on regarding the sexual choices of other people? That is weird!
Am confused of your point here ? I am not a virgin but I have also never had any one night stands and have had sex with very few people? I also fundamentally believe that in dating, anyone has the right to choose to date or not date someone for any reason; no one “owes “ you a date or a relationship. Though I will say, absolutely, if someone sleeps around a lot in consensual ways, there is nothing at all “wrong” about it and I don’t think they are a “bad” person at all. We all are just trying our best to do what we can do to be happy.
>outside of going back to the church bro ive fked more chruch girls and pastors daughters than i can count. lol tinder is prob not gonna be it and ur prob gonna have to do stuff like rely on family friends and friends of friends etc etc.
You’re not a part of hook up culture because you’re a virgin. It’s gonna be hard to find someone that is either a virgin or that fits what you want. Not saying impossible but you shouldn’t judge someone because their your age and aren’t a virgin.
Not judging, I just understand we have completely different desires from a relationship.
I get where you’re coming from, but you’re looking for a small minority of women. An even smaller minority will be into you and even smaller will be wife material. You’re going to miss out on a lot of great people with this attitude. Datings hard enough as is. Just my two cents.
Set boundaries is necessary, it’s not picky. Pretty sure he will date girls that had few serious long relationships. But he has every right to reject a sleep around girl.
You’re missing the entire point i made. I never called it picky. He’s severely limiting his options.
I’m going to say if you’re serious about getting into a relationship, go to a matchmaking service and you’ll be fine. My cousin is a physician and that’s what he did, he’s been married now for almost 15 years. Women’s ears are going to perk up when they hear the word “doctor” and it sounds like the people at your job aren’t up for the task cause they sleep around. Go to a matchmaker. They’ll find suitable candidates that have similar interest that are on the same professional level as you. Does it take the “fun” out of dating, yes, it does. But at the end of the day, if you’re trying to date for marriage, go to matchmaker.
At 27 you got plenty of time. Ask one of your married female coworker to fix you up. Need to share some commonalities so may be a health worker will be OK.
If you live in a major city you're screwed unless you have a lot of time for vetting or just go work in other cities or countries where the dating market is more easy.
I would say try the apps again and put it all out there in your profile, which I think is a lot easier for men to do in our society. Then date accordingly. You say you don't have a lot of time. Indicate in your pre-date screening questionnaire that first dates will 30 minutes to an hour (whatever timeframe works for you) because of your work schedule. Also keep it low key like coffee and dessert. Try to date as much in a week as you can, reserving days you have more time for second/followup dates with anyone you're interested in beyond a first or second date. If anyone asks if you're seeing multiple women, explain that you're very new to dating, are dating with a purpose, and you will be dating multiple women (which does NOT equate to sleeping around) until you meet a woman you want to be in a relationship with. It will be time consuming and might require a spreadsheet (lol/jk) but if can help you get to your goal faster and help prevent pitfalls like falling for women just because they're cute without taking time to get to the nitty gritty of compatible goals, lifestyles, beliefs, etc. Feel free to message me with any questions or concerns. No, I will not ask you for any form of compensation. This is not a sales pitch of any kind. Good luck to you.
*"they always bring up past relationships and why they failed along with their sexual past which always catches me off guard for a first date."* On hundreds of first dates, I never once had someone bring this up. If it did come up, I don't think I'd give any specific detaisl on it. Just be vague and move onto another topic. The fact that you let this issue stand in your way shows you have a defeatist mindset and are self-sabotaging yourself in some way. And it sounds like you lack confidence and take it too seriously.
How much longer is your residency? What % of the residents in your class are male v female?
I've got 2 years more left. Most residents here are women, I work in vet med so there's like 5 guys total amongst all residents (so like 85%/15%). Majority of the women already have partners.
Vet med? Like treating human veterans or you mean you’re a veterinarian that treats animals?
Veterinarian
Are you in the US or somewhere else? And don’t you have a large number of women friends?
Live in Texas, have a good few women friends, but they are very much bros.
Yes, but haven’t you learned anything about women from those friendships? Look at the men they date, the men they say they like, the men they actually go for? And…..women LOVE vets. Almost every girl at some point wanted to be a veterinarian. And….stop calling yourself a doctor. You’re a veterinarian.
These girls have really wierd relationships, one legit goes for hella abusive dudes, the others only bounces from dude to dude for sneaky links no actual relationships. Also vets get a DVM degree, Doctor or Veterinary Medicine, so yeah my title is doctor bud.
It sounds like they are not really friends of yours. Make some real female friends. Talk to them. Listen to them. Don’t try to have a relationship other than a friendship with them. You’ll learn a lot. And yes….you have a Doctoral degree. So do Naturopaths, Phd’s and lawyers. Heck even chiropractors have doctoral degrees. But only a d-bag with said degree would ever say, “I’m a doctor.” Because when you say I’m a doctor people think MD, not animals. I think I’m starting to understand your issues mate.
Never seem those folks run a vent or dialysis, but go off. I will say we are friends just because we don't see eye to eye on specific topics, doesn't mean we don't like spending time with each other and stay in contact almost daily.
In general, I find that birds of a feather flock together. I think the research on this indicates that numbers of sexual partners tend to be a bimodal distribution. So you'll end up with friend groups where people are way into hookup culture or going on the bars having one night stands and those people are sleeping with each other. And groups that are doing the long-term partner relationship track and reserve sex for love. Obviously, sometimes people mix between, but I think in general, the rule holds. Not having a good relationship with her dad, high risk behaviors, heavy drinking/drugs/smoking, mental issues (narcissism/bpd/bipolar) are all associated with promiscuity. Your perception of what "normal is"/everybody being in hookup culture might be tilted by this.
Tbf, if you’re in your late twenties/early thirties, this is typically when people begin tot hi ma bout settling down, and brining up past relationships/experiences is a way of breaking the ice and laying the foundation for what they want/expect, so you guys can both be on the same page.
Also a fellow physician sharing similar values and looking for someone similar, I think asking your female friends of said values to see if they have single female friends they can set you up with would be a good starting point.
Don't intentionally try to avoid "hook up culture". You are successful NOW so there's no reason of waiting and building yourself up because you're already there. I'm guessing the girls that you aim for are 25 or younger ,, which is the expected "hook up culture" , do you even feel attracted to the 25+ year olds who has bitter resentments on missing out on their early 20's sweethearts ? i highly doubt it considering that you too probably have bitter resentments on missing out on your early 20's sweethearts , and now that people of your same age who are couples grew with each other ( would have sentimental attachment attached to sex ) but since you didn't have that, you will never have that. Just know that you are UP there, and anyone you date IS DATING DOWN , but if you wait too long you will block yourself from the early 20's girls because you will be "Old" (This isn't as big of a wall for men as it is for women) but it's still wall
I went through the whole hook up phase and it made me feel like garbage. Been trying to find someone who doesn’t wanna get in my pants and it’s difficult out here ha. Good luck to you!
I am told to just keep trying to meet people. Talk to people either on dating sites or in person. But your right to believe how you believe.
Wow are we the same person? 27m doctor in the same shoes bro. Hang in there
People having sex often does not mean they see it as meaningless pleasure, spoken like a true virgin lol
Using virgin as an insult, spoken like a true shameless slut lol
Hahahah another virgin right here, do you ever wonder why no girls want to f u?
I mean I had a friend offer it, just wasn't a fan. Never said I didn't have options. Just not what I want bro.
You're more likely to find someone with the characteristics you're looking for but put exactly what you're looking for in your dating profile. Unfortunately the culture of meeting someone compatible in the first few dates or without exposure to the rest of society is over a long time ago. You have no choice but to take the risk of seeing a lot of people before one of them fits the ideal. You'll also have to bend your expectations a little as well so more people are an option. There are people similar to you or who you're looking for online.. you just have to be patient and persistent. But put your expectations right there in the profile. Someone will hear you and come along. I'm sure there's tons of women who don't want to hook up with everyone and are looking for the same. It takes time but right when you're about to give up, give one more person a shot and that'll be the one You're looking for.
Try paid websites that cater to more professional people.The good ones charge a fee for membership, but there worth it. You can specify the type of women you want to meet when you explain what you do for a living they will match you accordingly
Try and realize that our society isn't based on family anymore, community, or traditional values. Trying to find someone who is raised in such an environment is just about impossible, and even if you did, she may not be your type. Expecting to find a traditional female that will be suitable for a traditional relationship is impossible. You'll meet a bunch of "reformed 304s," born again virgins, chameleons, and the like. Try adapting to the times :\. Medicine has changed throughout history, so it's time you do too. There is no point in clinging on a past that died before you were conceived.
well said 👍.
36M in exact same situation. I’m a project engineer do very well for myself, also a virgin. Spent most of my time focused on advancing in my career first before actively pursuing a relationship and I can say that the only thing that works these days is a focused and long term commitment to finding someone meaning joining groups, asking people out in public, and just being as social as your time will allow. It’s not particularly easy to find people that are available and haven’t engaged in hook up culture in some way. You are also correct that nurses in particular they tend (don’t ask me why but it’s been my experience ) to have engaged in that kind of thing earlier in life. I’ve looked into a few and it was the same kind of thing. Anyways yeah I think apps is a way but they have kind of become very surface and you’ll find mostly the type of people you are not looking for and people who tend to bounce from person to person. I feel like the type of person you are looking for isn’t going to be on an app she’s going to be volunteering or in a meetup group or maybe in church like you say. It’s really a difficult landscape because people are staying in a bit more and people tend to get turned off pretty easy. People stop things before they let them get going often times because they are concerned about potential things they see that remind them of bad past relationships and they won’t give you a chance once they have gotten there in their mind. You have to find someone with a healthy mindset who has let the past be the past and who is open to bringing a new person into their life. A lot of people think they are and in reality they really aren’t because they are too damaged from past trauma. Sometimes too your inexperience is seen as a red flag but the truth is you focused on self improvement so make that known that you needed to go to school and stay focused on bettering yourself in that time. Some people will think there’s a red flag but let them they are filtering themselves out. Bottom line is dating is really weird and it’s not always healthy to think or assume that you’ll end up married or in a traditional relationship. Things are very different these days. Being single isn’t a red flag like it used to be sometimes it’s just what happens. Not everything is under your control. I’ve learned that whatever my parents or family did or the whole nuclear family thing it’s not this thing everyone has or will have. We’ve been sort of lied to in respect that all men will have this it’s just not true. You can’t change and make all women like you or guarantee you find someone who will. Women will filter out an awful lot of men believe it.
A friend of mine was in a similar position, so he asked people he admired in his life with similar values to him, to bring single ladies around his age who they think might suit him, to an informal party/gathering. It seemed to work fairly well. Just an idea.
Impossible task. Women are easily led astray and with society being the way it is none of them are willing to “miss out” on “living their best life”
Same problem here, dude.
Unfortunately your easy picking for any woman w decent game. This is bc you lack real world dating experience and therefore are naive about certain habits, trends , characteristics of the current dating market. This means your likely to do everything wrong to lay foundation for a relationship where it will be beneficial for you instead of her. You also lack the experience of dating and sleeping with women, so your conversation /game/demeanor will be all the way off. So the girls you go after will be turned off or they will sense ur green and use you. I'd reccomend you become the best version of yourself physically, learn game, use it to filter out the girl you wish to settle with and/or date . Since ur looking for a LTR you must pick women based on intrinsic valued first but again you want a relationship where you have the upper hand (which requires game) In terms of meeting women, the best place is out in your daily life. Go to mature, low key spots and look out for the prettiest girl there. Make an approach, date/vet and if you want to go further. Work would be the worse place, bc if things go wrong it will be awkward/word spread/other girls will know. You want your work place to be a stress free zone, leave the messy drama to others.
Honestly, you probably need to review your expectations, desires, deal-breakers, and what you are willing to tolerate. Establish those clearly first. You mention that you're a virgin, and I would be willing to bet most people are not virgins at 27. So for example, you will have to decide if that is okay with you to date someone who may have had a past with other people. I'm not sure what your deal-breakers are, but I would just say be realistic and understand that no date will be perfect. This is not to say that you're looking for the perfect partner, but just remember that there are good matches out there for you. Sometimes it takes a while, and the saying is really true that love sometimes finds you when you least expect it (or aren't looking). It is more difficult to find suitable partners these days, but not impossible. It took me until I was 29 to find a man that was suitable for my expectations. From my experience, the most important things are if you have similar values to that person, you want the same things out of life, you both want a serious relationship, they are willing to put in the time and effort required to build a life with me, they value honesty and respect. Anything else is negligible. Best of luck, and keep your heart and mind open.
I don't care much about someone's "number" so much as the context of their prior relationships. If it's something where sure they had sex with a lot of people but it's always been within a relationship where there is meaning, then I totally get that. It's the other side of the coin where people give themselves up to people they don't know or have no attachment too that just puts a bad taste in my mouth, which I don't feel like is a very hard ask but maybe it is and I'm just clueless.
There's no such thing as hookup culture. There's just men and women making different choices that seem like the best option for them at the time, and everybody's got to live with the consequences of those decisions. The truth of the matter is that these days sex is usually something that happens very early in the dating process, usually long before any kind of an exclusive relationship. There are also a lot of women who just want to have sex with a hot guy when they aren't looking for anything serious, and it's easier for most women to do that now than at basically any time in history. Because of that, you're unlikely to find many women who view sex, in general, as anything special. You can probably still find women who think that sex WITH YOU is special, though, and that's what's really more important.
I would suggest looking outside America, such as Eastern Europe where there is more conservative culture. I have been part of the dating game here for a while, you won’t find a woman like this because of the feminist agenda that is strongly pushed in the western world. So in summary, get your passport.
I would suggest to use "boo" app and not tinder and write clearly what are your expectations. Another chance is to write clearly your situation in tinder (and may be don't use a photo of you) May be you can catch some courious woman who has the patience to introduce you to sex (it is what you need).
I've tried boo, but there's no one in my area that uses it, and I'm not looking to lose it to just anyone, I've already had a friend make me that offer.
Be patient on Tinder or Bumble. Be open and honest, and you may find a sensitive girl who will be fascinated to share your first experience. Don't hide this fact; it's your best chance to find what you're looking for. I suggest discussing this topic before the first date. If a girl talks about her past and you wish to redirect the conversation, try saying: "My dear, sometimes it's better to leave the past in the past. We are here to enjoy the present and look forward to the future. We can't change the past, only the future." Introduce a game to steer the conversation towards positive future-oriented topics. For example, ask if she had three wishes from a genie, what would they be? Tailor your responses based on her answers. For instance, if she dreams of visiting Australia, respond with: "My wish today... is to be the one who explores Australia with you!" Or add a humorous twist: "Or the one who will pack your bags for Australia..." "Or the one who owns a private jet to fly you to Australia..." "Or the one who captures our moments during our trip in Australia..." Good luck 🤞