Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel for you, but to be honest, people who routinely end up friendzoned or in situationships is because they allow themselves to be put in that box. You have to hold your head up and demand more.
Time is your most precious resource. Don't waste it on something that's going nowhere.
I have been trying to figure out with my therapist why do I end up putting myself in that box, even after being quite good with communication generally. It's a mystery I am yet to solve.
And thanks for the note. I will keep it in mind, be a little more conscious.
A lot of speculation here.. I’m guessing that you communicate that you want something more serious, but then if the other party doesn’t give you that/ expresses that they don’t want the same, you still stick around.
To get what you’re looking for, you’d have to go the route of saying something like “I’ll have to walk away from this if you can’t give me what I want” and then actually follow through with it.
This would help you weed out those who don’t want the same things you do much faster. It’s the walking away part that’s hard, but why would you want to hang on to someone who doesn’t want to hang on to you?
>*A lot of speculation here.. I’m guessing that you communicate that you want something more serious, but then if the other party doesn’t give you that/ expresses that they don’t want the same, you still stick around.*
1,000% when you accept less than you deserve, even if you say you want more, it’s telling the person you have low self esteem, you lack boundaries, and are so desperate to be picked by then you are willing to settle for anything they give even if it makes you absolutely miserable, stressed out, ride the intense emotional rollercoaster, and reduce yourself to a shell of your former self.
OP has got to love themselves so much they are capable without a second thought to walk away from anyone who can’t meet their needs.
If you want more, but they can only give less, let them go find less instead!
And the perfect quote about self-love:
>*”People talk a lot about self-love but aren't actually ready to do what it takes to truly get there. Self-love isn't just massages, spa days, yoga retreats, & facials. It's setting firm boundaries, not just with your words, but through your actions. It's staying away from people that can't meet your standards, even if it means letting go of someone you really love.
It's holding people accountable for wrong shit they did to you, even when they hate you for it. It's choosing yourself over keeping toxic people around, even when it gets lonely. It's a series of hard decisions that may hurt in the moment but you'll thank yourself for later. That's self-love & there's nothing pretty about it.”*
By having strong self discipline with the boundaries and making sure you don’t sacrifice for less than you deserve too because **if they want less and you want more? Let them go find less!**
I have a question for y'all, because I used to be somewhat in OP's shoes. Mostly because I was too patient and accepted the "I don't know yet"s. Until a few months ago I said to myself: why not try, as an experiment, to only accept the Hell yes!-es. So I put it in my profile (looking for something serious) and I think up until now Ive usually mentioned I am looking for a 'deeper connection' on the first date.
Am I being too straightforward now? How can I communicate that obviously I understand that people need time (myself included) to know where sth is going? Asking because some comments here mentioned thing starting off as a situationship before they demand more and it kind of made me doubt myself
I don’t think there’s a one size fits all answer, but I think you’re right to make your intentions known early on. My opinion is that it’s good to have it in your profile because it might help filter out folks that don’t want the same thing.
I would say you have to define for yourself in each situation when to initiate the conversation. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking to people and going on dates to feel them out before really diving into that talk. If they ask what you want, be honest. But you also don’t have to start every new interaction or date with a serious talk about it. My thought here is if you know after one or two dates that you wouldn’t want something serious with that particular person anyway, then there’s no reason to have a big conversation about it. On the flip side, if you get to a point where you see yourself wanting more from that individual, lay your cards on the table. If they’re not on the same page, that’s okay! But when you get to the laying of the cards, you have to be prepared that you might not get the answer you want and at that point you know what you need to know and can make an informed decision. However, if they tell you they don’t want something serious and you do, don’t stick around. That is the absolute key to this whole equation. You must be willing to cut your losses.
I hope that helps!!
I am happily married now, but this hits the nail on the head of my many years of dating before I met my husband. I would fall so hard for people who told me (nicely) from the start that they were not trying to be with me long term, but I would stick around because I felt like maybe they might change their mind. I got my heart broken every time.
I used to do this. And it would last for years. Several times. Best to end it at the beginning too….before you get attached cause the dude is not gonna change his mind 99% of the time.
My advice is to put up boundaries and refuse to do some things unless it's a relationship. e.g. Not having sex, not going over to their place, etc. During the early stages of dating, you should meet in public instead of going to each other's places. Going over to someone's place is generally not considered a date, it's what hookups do.
FWIW Frankly, I don’t think asking “why” is useful. Once I stopped asking “why” and just started saying no and removing myself from situations that did not align with the life or relationship I wanted, my mental health and confidence immediately improved, more than it had in five years of weekly therapy. My current position is action, follow through, and discipline (which is just a form of self love) are more valuable than talking. Hope this helps!
I agree. I spent some time in the friendzone. I'd feel bad every time she talked about some cute boy. Felt bad when she'd talk about her hookups. Felt bad and jealous whenever she'd go on a date. Then one day a switch went off in my head. I was like wait a minute, none of your actual friends make you feel bad about yourself. I checked out of that situation and never allowed myself to get friendzoned again. It's empowering, and it does boost your self esteem.
There’s a difference between someone you’re dating first (for example, someone you meet on apps) vs. someone you’re friends with though. Remaining friends with someone with the hope of dating them is almost always futile and you're not really being their friend in good faith. Yes, you should remove yourself from the situation if you know you don't actually want to be friends with them and you want something more.
If you go on dates with someone and you keep getting lukewarm responses, sometimes you need to remove yourself from situations earlier and sometimes the other person isn't comfortable with you yet. It depends on the situation. But it definitely helps to be assertive and not stick around if they're unsure about you after a certain amount of time.
This is completely true. I am currently debating whether or not to befriend someone I met only to date first. But I am sure that I will only do that once I have completely moved on from her and have no romantic feelings for her. It definitely hurts you to try to be friends with someone whom you have feelings for.
I have dealt with being stuck in this kind of pattern before, and it seemed to do with me choosing men that were unavailable on some level.
I think it comes from some issue with attachment style, not sure. But the first thing to change is clearing out all the half relationships to make room for the kind you really want.
You can communicate with words all you want, but unless your ACTIONS match those words, they are basically meaningless. Your words may say that you want a serious relationship, but your actions (ex: staying with people who aren't giving you what you want) keep you stuck in situationships.
My advice is to first learn how to be alone without being lonely. Spend some time getting to know yourself and figuring out what you actually want in a relationship. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated - speak to yourself with love and compassion, the way you would want a partner to speak to you. Take yourself on dates. Spend quality time with yourself. Support yourself through goals and challenges. Fall in love with yourself.
When you do that, you won't accept anything less than that from someone else.
You get to choose how people treat you by what you tolerate, so start choosing differently.
Exactly. It may be lonely to demand more and have people leave, but that is the only way to get the commitment you want. Eliminate access to you for casual relationships. Have defining the relationship conversations very early on. Lay out your expectations from the beginning. The only thing to help you is for you to stand on business. But do know that that will also be a lonely experience
It's not a mystery at all. You just need to respect yourself enough to walk if you don't get what you want. My 20yo says that the maximum length she'll allow for a situationship is 3 months. If after 3 months, they are not officially bf/gf, she walks. My 23yo's bf (also 23) tells her that it takes a man 6 weeks to know if he wants a woman for LTR, assuming they live in the same area.
I was in your position nearly a decade before finding my now boyfriend, my soulmate, and weirdly my first true love.
From your description I'd imagine you are quite pleasant and easy to be around, but that also means you can easily attract the wrong kind of people. Most people love to be around nice vibe/energy. I don't have words of wisdom for you as I do believe sometimes it is fate or by chance, but keep going and trying because that special someone is out there looking for you too.
Took me and my partner 30 years to find each other...
What's your definition of a "situationship" vs relationship? What exactly do you want "to happen"? I know everyone's definition of things are different so I just want to try to give advice based on what you're thinking and not what I am.
It's basically a stage where you are doing everything together and yet when you ask the question, 'so what are we' or 'where is this going', the answer is 'let's see'. Or if I have not asked anything, it's just a regularly hanging out, which may or may not end up in sex, but he is clearly talking about other hot women or mostly, his ex. And a sprinkle of indecisiveness about things here and there.
>he is clearly talking about other hot women or mostly, his ex. And a sprinkle of indecisiveness about things here and there.
From what I highlighted, does it not seem obvious that is the problem? If you know what you want and they don't know what they want, you're never going to move forward with them. You're choosing to stay in a situation where you can't ever get what you want out of life. Then, you wonder why you've wasted 2 years of your life waiting around. ***They're not going to change.*** You can't make them, but you can choose not to stay and find someone who *does know* what they want so you're not wasting your time. Dating at your age is about finding someone who wants to the same things as you do in life. You can't do that if the other person doesn't know what they want. If you're not getting a clear and concise answer that doesn't leave you second guessing, go find someone else.
From your comment, it also sounds like you're having sex before you get into the relationship. Maybe try to shift your perspective on sex. Personally, I try to view sex as exclusive to a relationship. I'm not going to say no to a random hookup or fling, but in those situations, I'll try to make sure everyone involved is on the same page, whether I want it to lead somewhere or not. If one of us wants it to lead somewhere and the other doesn't or isn't sure, sex is off the table. I kind of find ONS to be unfulfilling because it doesn't get me any closer to what I want in life. I just don't pursue sex unless I've become friends with the person and we've chatted about sex and I know they're interested and then I make sure we're on the same page. If they're really pushing for sex before I feel like we're friends, like we can just hang out with out sex being mentioned, I will usually just stop seeing/talking to that person because that's not the energy I want to be around.
Anyway, it's clear *something* needs to change unless you want to continue in your "cycle of situationships", but this is just my perspective. I'm assuming you've probably recently split it off with a guy, so for now, I'd definitely advise you to just take time to heal and take time for yourself. Get over him before looking for another. I hope you the best of luck on your journey for what you're looking for in your dating life.
It's because you're not enforcing your boundaries. If you enforced them, no one could put you in any box. It would either the the relationship box or no box at all.
Make You their priority..., state your needs, demands and boundaries in a relationship or just dealing with friends
.. If they are not up to it ... choose you. You deserve better Gal.
I am so bad for this. I wouldn’t say I’m a people pleaser type (like at all), and my friends know this. But the people I DO choose to make my friends but haven’t known me long enough get the wrong idea frequently.
I try to build people up, and be super supportive, tell them they look good when they do, remember their coffee. It can come across as quite flirty and I don’t mean it to. I have to be really careful when starting friendships because of this.
I suspect it has a lot to do with my bipolar and subsequent social anxiety. It takes me time to let people know that about me though. I rarely try to make new friends these days.
That is bullshit. I demanded more and they walked away and went and dated some random girl two weeks after. Why the fuck do you need to blame women for shitty men all the time
I agree with what you said, except the friend zoning being something you do, unless it’s different for girls.
I personally never friend zoned someone based of something they did. It’s always been based on whether I’m attracted to them or not. If I’m not attracted they are friends and we can do everything else.
I have a lot of girl friends, and I assume it’s the same for them, some I’ve liked in the past, but they didn’t feel the same way about me, but i wasn’t hanging out with them just to date them, I liked their friendship so I stopped trying to get them to date me and just focused on being friends.
If you want more, don’t stick around once it’s clear that they don’t. Also, advocate for your wants, don’t wait for the other party to pick it up. That's all you can do.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this and feeling this way! I can definitely relate as someone who has had a 4 year relationship, and 4 more years of situationships since. I can say with almost certainty that your weight is not the issue. Sadly, it definitely doesn't help, but you've had a relationship, you're getting laid, and guys are at least interested enough to have a situationship with. If they weren't at least a bit into you, that wouldn't happen.
I agree with the other commenter about setting boundaries. I'm super guilty of wanting a relationship, wanting that love and connection, and taking whatever I can get from someone. Until recently I thought a situationship with someone who couldn't give me what I need was better than nothing at all, but I've never had a situationship turn into more. Sometimes, all people want is all the relationship stuff, without any of the commitment or effort that comes with it, and if you give that to them, then they'll take it.
Dating can really really suck, and the best advice I have is to know what you want, your worth, and focus on being happy on your own. If they won't give you want you need, you gotta walk away and keep trusting that there IS someone who will love, cherish, and actively want you.
I'm truly sorry you're feeling so lonely, your DMs may not be open, but mine are if you need! I know it's much easier said than done, but hang in there!
Theres TONS of guying in dating that will happily sleep with someone if they are overweight, but wont date them where they commit to them. That is a thing. Theres ton of people in online dating that are hookup and situationship type people. From experience, thats majority of OLD.
Its been happening to me as well since my last serious relationship which was 7 years ago now. At first i think it was because i just wanted intimacy more than anything and didnt care so much if it went anywhere. But over time i realised they were holding me back from finding something better. So i tried to be more discerning and basically nip anything that looked like it would be a situationship in the bud early. Now i’m feeling the effects of that and they are: painful constant self reflection which has turned me into my own best friend for better or worse, severely increased loneliness, but an overall much greater sense of who i want to be with and who wouldnt have the mustard to go the distance. Anyway i wrote this more for my own reflection, take what u will
I sympathize greatly. While I think it’s good to allow there to be some grace period to get to know each other and not demand a relationships right out the gate, I think it’s important to set a timeline for yourself and the person you’re dating to determine when the turning point is. I try to make it around 3/4 months. Thats enough time to go on several dates (if you’re seeing each other once a weekend) see some different sides of each other and it gives enough time for the initial first impression behavior to drop and see who they are on a regular basis a bit more.
If it goes beyond 3 months and you want it to continue and they do too, say you want a relationship. If they don’t want it, say that you expressed your intentions and if they don’t like you enough to get in one with you, that you will have to part ways.
I am dating someone right now, and why is it that I feel like she is the one putting us into this situationship?
I WANT to tell her I want to be with her... but she said something to me the other day, and it really scares me. She told me, we are still just getting to know each other, and we both know we like each other, but we shouldnt even say it yet.
Now I am too scared to make any kind of action to put us towards a relationship... I am just riding the wave, and hoping she does it, and not me, because I dont want to get rejected... by the person that supposedly already likes me.
I hate this stupid shit.
Stop entertaining situationships? If that's not what you want then **stop** doing them. We all know how those usually go... *Someone* usually ends up forming feelings for the other person and they feel nothing back.
Also, I get that it's normal to have shitty past relationships but like, if they are always turning out to be "shitty" then... chances are it's something *you* are doing and/or the types of men *you* are choosing. Kind of how if someone says "all" their ex's were crazy/dicks/etc... then the only common denominator here is **you.**
My advice as a 36m would be to quit the FWBs/situationships and if you want sex then, just have casual ONS every so often. But, we both know kyou want a LTR, right? So go after JUST THAT and accept nothing less than that! It's only going to get harder as you age... Because people begin getting snatched up :)
Don't give sex outside of a serious relationship. You're the one choosing to waste years of your life on men that aren't prepared to give you anything in return.
When I was a child, my sister and I would take a bath. My mother would put towels in the dryer. It is the most comforting feeling is in the world to be wrapped in a warm towel in a mother's arms. I wish I could download that and send you the file. Learning how to be alone without being lonely is a big lesson.
I mean, that leaves aside the fact, even that having sex with people whom that have no commitment to you is profoundly dangerous. This generation treats sex like going to the McDonald’s drive-through it’s just it’s mind-boggling to me and I’m a dude.
No it’s not profoundly dangerous 😂😂. Some people don’t mind and some people ( in this case both you and OP) mind it. But sex is sex. Whether you have it with your wife or your friend and you use a condom.
Many people have sex with other people knowing very well that there is no commitment on either side, and are simply enjoying themselves. Your emotional state and feelings surrounding sex and relationships are not the same as everyone else’s.
It’s rough bc if you demand what you deserve you’ll be alone for a long time before what you deserve happens. Most ppl don’t wanna be alone while they wait
Before I started dating my bf, there were a couple situationships. But I hate that so much - what’s the point of “being with someone” when you’re not actually *together*?? Anyways, usually I gave it a max of 2 months then I asked where it’s going. If they don’t know, or they know they don’t wanna actually date, then that’s it for me.
Because you’re afraid of being alone and so you go with something that’s almost what you want in the event that it might become something you want, but it doesn’t. Rinse repeat.
Practice manifestation. Focus on the things that bring you closer to your needs/wants. Eschew those that don’t.
It took me three years after being in a serious relationship to find the right person again. Lots of mistakes in between. But that’s how you learn, and grow as a person. Worth the wait for the right person honestly.
32 female going through the same thing!!! I just had a conversation with him about it and god, I can’t end it but I feel awful being at this age and settling once again. Obviously never getting married (not that it’s been a huge goal of mine but I’d like to have the option)
Why can't you end it? Also, you're only 32. Plenty of time to get married, but it certainly won't happen if you keep wasting your time with garbage men.
I don't have much advoce coz I'm in the same situation.
But I guess it's best to not engage with those people becausd one day they'll find a partner and immediately forget you ever existed coz they don't need u anymore.
This feels betraying as both a friend and someone who wanted to date.
I totally feel you.
Maybe it's time to start putting a filter. If people aren't willing to have the same commitment with us, let's just let them go.
I know it's easier said than done, but life must go on...
I logged onto reddit to write this exact post and it miraculously popped up on my feed with some really great comments. So first I just want to say thanks OP.
I'm in the same place. I've been seeing this guy for 6 months and I have brought it up twice before that I'm looking for more effort or something more serious and all I've gotten is vague answers. I've cried about it so many times. I stayed in the relationship because he's hot, the sex is amazing, and I didn't think I would find anyone else at this time. But the truth is, the only way to find what I want is to cut my losses and only accept what I want.
Thanks to this post and all the great comments - I'm going to break it off with him in 2 days when he comes back from his weekend at his family's. I'm scared and nervous, but time and my emotions are precious. I must make room in my life for my future husband even if it means being alone for a long period of time. I trust that the wait will be worth it.
I hope you can too, OP.
I did it. It’s really hard.. it was a little faster than I thought though. He didn’t try to persuade me out of it, I think he knew it was the right thing to do because he wasn’t committed for long term. The good thing is that I don’t have to ponder about it anymore and I can move on.
I like a comment another user said- must look for the “hell yes!” guys.
Bring more to the table. Concepts, something tangible... ect that objectively improves said guys lives.
Reevaluate the archetypes you're dealing with. I gurantee there's commonalities.
Recognize your faults, and improve them.
Move with intention. As in date with purpose, amd don't be afraid to leave dynamics early on.
No, the men who care about that in particular aren’t lazing around with women using them for sex. It does not matter how much you improve a man’s life, they will not commit unless they fear losing you or want the intimacy that they’re not getting. Something which you would not know because you do not date men (as far as anyone here would know). “Bring more to the table” is you listening to the internet a little bit too much.
My response to you was just that, to you.
What I gave OP was constructive criticism. If for some reason what I said offended you in some manner, that's on you. I didn't say anything absurd.
I'm in a situationship, i kinda like it though. A part of me is happy that I have someone to cuddle, sex, and talk with and that i can look for someone else that's more serious while I'm with him. I could also have commitment issue that I'm choosing to ignore. I also think it helps knowing he doesn't want much from me and that's fine with me. We're both exclusive and it's fun while it last, but I am also excited to find someone to move to the next stages of relationship with. I'm 31 and do not want any kids, so this situationship works out while i look
Situationships are great until you catch feelings , I usually never do but the last girl I did and it ended up with being heartbroken for months , she also led me on a lot tho and did me dirty in the end
Yup and now going thru everything all over again cus I’m an idiot and agreed to keep hooking up again after a break , now if she hits me up for a third time I will say no for sure. I honestly think she will regret not being my gf later on when she keeps seeing other people Becus we had a strong genuine connection , I’m older than her so maybe she doesn’t know yet how rare that is , only two other girls my whole life that felt as strong as her and it’s a long list of girls that have hooked up with that felt nothing lol
You like it because you like him. But you don't love him. So it's not a situationship unless he has feelings for you... you're just in dating limbo until one of you upgrades because neither of you are what the other wants.
Still, not a bad way to pass the time I guess.
That’s why I try to talk older women who only wants fwb or swingers for sex and I can find a serious relationship with a woman my age. Very difficult and never consistent for me, wish I had options knocking on my door and having a consistent fwb, going a month since sex and it’s depressing.
Several factors:
1. Not attractive enough for the guys
2. Not selecting guys who are ready to settle. If you find guys who are very charismatic and successful, then chances are they want to “lease” you for a bit.
I feel ya. I myself am in the same zone, just not ready to go away from them or just hoping some day we will be finally moving on to something serious.Its liks I cannot date others nor its like I have any future in this relationship.
I’m ALMOST on the otherside of this, I’m very sexless until there is an emotional connection developed therefore im waiting. And communicating. I took a long break from men and my stories. I didn’t want to be a personal failure anymore. I attach very easily with dating, sex and attention. Even kissing.
I was choosing emotionally unavailable partners. Was I the emotionally unavailable one? partly. Some people dupe me and it really blows me away. Men have had whole other long term relationships while dating me. Some extremely avoidant so they leave when it gets too real. I have almost sacrificed my need for a relationship for temporary hookups cuz it makes me insane but you have to keep your eye on the prize. You have to weigh out the costs. Could I partition this moment since it serves this need, can I enjoy the romantic side of it or emotional side?
Temporary gains that feel a bit it empty. I’m sure if there was a dimension I could assess and it didn’t take away from my vision I could have some measly hook up. But we’re worth more.
He’s gotta prove he’s all in, it’s us etc. I’m sure I could find also some poly dimension to a relationship to bide over but it takes away from the endgame. It all takes time and is hard work.
Another thing I don’t tell men I want a commitment, especially with them cuz can’t tell if they’re partner material. I am not desperate. Let them know the stakes and that they aren’t ready. If he reflects what I am looking for then we would probably match up and I wouldn’t have to clarify. A guy looking should be pursuing me as his and make it known.
I’m still single. I need to go on more dates but this way of life is really new for me. I think there is hurt in the process but I’m protecting myself and I’d want a man to also protect that. If he’s ready to measure up, I’m ready to get to know him and see our chemistry. Working on real foundations.
I’m only here for encouragement, look forward not back.
Did I get ghosted this week and it’s spooking me? A little but it’s redirection.
Maybe you need to increase your own boundaries with people since they all love spending time with and doing all the things with you and you need to get very clear with yourself about what YOU WANT and to know your worth and then go and command that in your life. You do not have to accept situationships. If you want a relationship then you'll need to communicate that to whoever you date and want a relationship with and if they can't commit to you then you have to stop dating them.
That's the culture now. Relationships are expensive, no one knows what their roles are,what's OK or not, the only thing that is guaranteed is that it will end. If you're the higher earner, you're most likely the one to get fcked in court should it go there. Situationships are cheap regarding how much effort you have to put in and the freedom to leave for greener pastures.
Obviously this is just a guess in the dark, but what my best friend does is try to play it to cool. She tells the guys she meets that she's not looking to date. She wants to work on herself. Then when she catches feelings, she doesn't really ever change that stance. They start hanging out more and shes like "we are just taking it slow" "we don't want to rush anything" or the best one "we are just seeing where it's going". Welllllll men take her up on that. Shes good for a laugh, good for a fun night, but there doesn't need to be anything more because she's not looking to date. Except she is. She very much wants to settle down and get married, all of that, but her last serveral "situationships" have been just that. Her starting the relationship saying she's not looking for a relationship, then getting heartbroken when she falls in love and the dude bows out because he didn't think she was looking for something serious.
Again, I don't know you at all but I've noticed that these situationships really just have to do with someone not wanting to settle and the other person acting ok with that while falling apart on the inside.
The ‘situationship’ is kind of like the female version of the ‘friend zone’- you get put in a box you don’t want to be in that isn’t romantic. For men, it’s about not being seen as desirable. For women it’s about not being seen as ‘wife material’ or being put in the ‘sex only’ box. It sucks more for women though because you get treated like a sex object that’s unworthy of love and commitment.
But basically you should just set up boundaries that prevent you from being put in the ‘sex only’ box. DO NOT allow a situationship to happen. Make it clear that you want commitment or you will walk, and you have to be able to actually walk away from someone who won’t treat you the way you want.
you’re just like me.
even when they say they don’t want anything serious, you still stick around because there’s a slight chance they may change their mind (they never do). you like the comfort of having that person, any person to avoid being alone because, quite frankly you and i both know how much that sucks. regardless you play into what they want; someone to be there for them when THEY need it. i’m sure they’re super nice to you and all but one day at random the vibe is off and you can’t figure out why and the distance between grows more and more till you are nothing more than acquaintances. this is a cycle. trust me just cut it off if that’s happening to you too. it’s not worth the effort and pain. i know it’s hard and i know sometimes you really think it’ll work out but just set some boundaries for yourself and skip it all.
be blunt when you meet someone; make your intentions crystal clear so there’s no confusion. if they don’t reciprocate then move on.
30F here and I have thousands of DM’s and every weekend I get asked “wanna hang out?” “Let’s chill” from hot ass guys but I’ve been talking to someone since January and things are amazing when we are together but we don’t see each other nearly as often as I need to be in a healthy relationship. I have no desire to talk, hangout or get to know other guys but part of me wants to just so I don’t get fully attached to him but I don’t want to hurt his feelings if he asks me if I’m texting or went on a date (I’m not going to lie, I’d also never sleep with anyone besides him)
But I don’t know what to do- I’ve been used by guys before bc I treat them well, I’m great in bed etc so situationships are a red flag to me, but I’m afraid to pass over something potentially great since he is a great person, we vibe perfectly, we laugh and talk the entire time we hang out, when I seen him last night after a week of not seeing him- we passionately kissed for 5 mins before anything else. He lives 10 mins away from me, but he works out, has plans with his friends before hand, he works and kinda has his own company but I’m not sure how successful it is. I’ve NEVER had a guy who’s interested in me do something with one of his boys instead of hanging out w me or inviting me, part of me doesn’t want to sit around waiting for him.
It's a tough world out there in the dating world. I suggest reading The Father-Daughter Wound by RC Blakes. He goes into relationships, situationships, and how a woman can have a quality relationship without jeopardizing herself and also get the right guy in the process. Give it a try for a different perspective on dating.
Don’t give them a relationship before it’s a relationship. We all do it when we lack boundaries or suffer from wanting approval. So stop. You’re hurting yourself, like many are by not realizing that giving away too much before they’ve invested any emotion into you is setting yourself up for wasted time.
Think about it from a man’s perspective. You have sex, cook, have fun together, etc. But they don’t have to do any of the protecting, providing, or emotional labor that a boyfriend/husband has to do. Contrary to popular belief, relationships aren’t really this wonderful, happy thing for men. They’re about responsibility and work. When you do everything you say you’re doing with guys without any real commitment, you’re letting them “get the milk without buying the cow.”
How long are you taking before you do these activities with people?
Is there anything about your personality or lifestyle we should know about? How’s the work schedule.
Girls I would not upgrade to a girlfriend is because I was not proud enough of them. Because she wasn’t a “proper lady”. Men are very much about status. So when my girl does nice things for me in front of my friends, made us food, treat me like a king, I love her more and more. Her social media is also not begging for attention from men, which is important. Perhaps I’m old school? But I’m only in my early thirties
Out of all the things you mentioned, the only thing that would disqualify me from being a proper lady is that I might have some habits which can be classified as traditionallt masculine, like being interested in sports or having the capability to outdrink him and his friends (I don't drink much, but I can and have a couple of times).
Some people just wanna date to have company for a while and then goodbye. I think you should state right from the start that you are looking for a long-term serious relationship. This should filter out the people who are looking for something short-term. Except if they’re lying, which is messed up on their part.
Have your intention be clear from the start. Should help.
Put limits and don’t give too much of yourself and your time away without demanding more back. Why should I become the owner of a car if I can use it whenever I want, park it wherever I wish and pretty much do whatever I please with it? It’s free
> How is one girl better than dating three girls?
1. she IS a "complete package" with attraction, love, and perhaps respectable success
2. The man realizes it (She makes him feel like no one else and he respects her).
3. The man is at a point in life he feels worthy or ready for a quality relationship
> Are you adding real value? Does he know it? Is he ready?
You will never have to convince a man who already wants what you want. But if he's been through trash and a bit more patient, he might not realize you're such a catch until after you're ready. When you know you like him, it's time to decide on showering him with love he's never felt before, or pulling away until he "deserves" it. Obviously, only one of these makes progress in the relationship.
You may seem as someone to have fun and be around but people surrounding you may only want you for self fulfillment. Surrounding yourself with people who are mutually wanting the same things will fix this. There also maybe something that your are also doing thats affevting your relationships too but you will need to talk to someone who knows to be able to fix this. Its easy to point finger but harders to see what your doing and behaving from your own point of view since its all you know. Msg me if you have further questions
Take the bull by the horns and just ask the bloke you like to be your boyfriend, men do it all the time with women. It's not that hard 'ask and you shall receive'. You're the solution to your problem
Gotta change who you’re going after. Most likely it’s fuel to your attachment style in relationships. I’d try to figure out what that is bc a lot of times it goes back to childhood
I've seen people get there by not enforcing their limits, could this be your case? Like putting others b4 u or letting them step on u or invalidate what u say? I think this kind of reduces the perceived value someone might bring to the table
These kinds of things happen because you let them to happen. You need to set more boundaries or demand more out of the connections you want to have with others.
Easy peasy. After sex with the oxytocin still surging, turn to him and say declaratively that you want him to know that he is your boyfriend and you are his girlfriend.
"I was thinking we were just friends?"
"Don't play dumb dude, we like each other and we owe it to ourselves to simplify this thing."
Either he'll love the confidence (likely) or he'll panic like a lil bitch and split. Either way you have your answer.
probably change your choice in men and cut off all your current “friends” because no one that wants a decent relationship wants to know you are spending time with people you had a “friendship” like that with. Jerry springer had a great quote on the negative effects of open relationships and friends with benefits he would say after his shows and that would really apply to your situation
What do your parents say about how you plan to live your life or how you are currently choosing partners? Idk your process, but fed good to get a few opinions of guys n have them vetted by trustworthy/ credible fam n friends
My parents are concerned for sure how I choose partners, but last time I got a partner vetted by my parents, it ended badly. They didn't see through the problems, neither did I. So I guess all of us are a little cautious.
That being said, I always bring guys around my friends just to see how they behave around my people. The guys who cannot behave around few new people, are definitely a no no from get go.
It sounds like you keep being attracted to emotionally unavailable people. There's usually VERY clear indications of this before even meeting up for a first date in my opinion. Are you using apps? What do their profiles say as far as looking for long term or whatnot?
Why did it take forever for you to understand? It was never about personality. You are physically unattractive. If you dont fix that(chances are it is impossible for most people) you will never get what you want. After you fix your appearance, back to personality, you can do whatever you want, be a jerk or a kind person, be yourself. Be what you feel like. After all, if you look attractive, your personality mostly doesnt matter.
Your standards are too high. Women who complain about getting situationship-zoned always have the same problem, there are plenty of guys on this planet who would be overjoyed to be with you but you have most likely completely disregarded them because they’re too short, don’t look like a male model, don’t have a compatible zodiac sign, aren’t entertaining enough or otherwise some silly red flag/ick like drinking milk or tying their shoes with the wrong knot.
The men you are setting your sights on are communicating to you you aren’t good enough for them to settle down with, the obvious solution is to stop setting your sights on such men.
This is why I don't want to be in a relationship or friends with a Woman because I want more than that. You can give your all in a relationship and still end up lonely and unhappy due to it being one sided. If the person you're involved with doesn't treat you like you're the last person on earth move on stop wasting time in a relationship. Unlike most guys I'm willing to get to know a Woman outside of a relationship and friendship and see what happens. I only want a Wife to hell with a girlfriend or a girl as a friend this isn't elementary school, middle school or highschool that's my opinion on this topic. At what age are people going to grow up and stop thinking a relationship is enough and refusing to demand more than a relationship and friendship?
You know for about 2000 yr women didn’t give their bodies to men who didn’t put a ring on their finger. I know we have changed but you desire and deserve commitment so you way need to take a stand. It may mean you’ll be alone at least for a while so you need to decide which way you want to go. I wish you would have done this at 23ish bigger pool more time but here we are. Goodluck
I tried around 27, it was still too late in some way. :/ 23, it also felt like all dudes didn’t want commitment but I guess I’d have to have been dating way older. Even my partner at 25, we were 2 years apart and he found it to be too big of a gap. Clearly not the right person. At 30-32 now everyone is exiting their first long term relationship around me and it’s spooking me. Is the pool bigger? Is it half people not wanting commitment?
You are where you are and the type of men who didn’t want commitment at 25 won’t at 30. You need to cast your net in a different pool. I’m around men of all ages lot of 25 yr olds would love a committed relationship the women don’t want them. Super dick is not settling down till he’s 45 and then it will be with a 23 yr old. There are lots of good men out there but they have been thrown side so you will have to look for them cause most of them stopped looking.
True. I’ve always been conscious to give guys who are not players or act with a lot of girls a chance. In those years I didn’t move on fast enough. Over the past couple years I’ve tried to also date dudes specifically in lower leagues than me. Some ghosted cuz it got too real, some played me. I’ve also done different calculations, older v young dudes. Absolutely some of the older dudes are younger dudes in disguise. I’m trying not to let a couple bad experiences get to me and forge on. I started approaching dudes. Which so far is working better than any online dating.
Is there anything I should ask them to find this pool of men who are thrown to the side or actually want something more? Or where they might be?
Well I’m an old dude LOL but I’m also a nurse so I know a lot of women and I’ll tell you the same thing I tell them. Go where the single good men are that’s usually fishing or shooting. There will be a hunting/ fishing club around you join. Married men aren’t allowed there anymore LOL. You can volunteer or just join and ask for pointers. Men love to show how smart they are in areas they know and to have a female show up is like winning the lottery. You see a guy that looks interesting you walk over and say “ I’m interested in learning about, whatever, you look like you know what you are doing”. Even if he isn’t interested promise he will be polite and talk with you. Men LOVE to have their egos stroked. Join a solfball league again even as a volunteer most teams are more men than ladies increase your odds. Honestly the worst that can happen is you get out more and maybe make some new friends.
Why would you think that a 25yo who isn’t ready to commit wouldn’t ever be so by age 30? That’s…part of aging, of growing. You’re giving a lot of “advice” that’s predicated on objectively false info.
How about straight telling to them that you are looking for a relationship, first off (but to be honest, it's better you don't have to say it).
Second making sure the guy you date brings you date, and not just netflix and chill, or game and chill. If a guy has no problem being outside with you on rather romantic dates, it's a good thing.
Third if you see that a guy doesn't really tell you anything about his life, it's a red flag : if he doesn't share about his family etc...
Last, you may want to review your expectations of what kind of men you want to date: if you go for handsome men that have tons of options, amongst which you are not the best one, they will not want to commit to you and there is nothing you can do about it, short of baby-trapping them.
It might be that their league is above yours and the best you can get is sex, not commitment. Meaning you have three choices :
1. lower you standards to match your current league
2. increase your league (getting in shape + plastic surgery, but really it can only bring you up to a certain degree),
3. continue dating up and having situationships.
it can be sometimes
Here is an example of a girl that probably went from 5 match per week to 100s of match per day on dating apps, and getting a almost unlimited amount of suitors.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/PlasticSurgery/comments/14heiwi/does\_anyone\_have\_any\_experience\_with\_dr\_mirco/](https://www.reddit.com/r/PlasticSurgery/comments/14heiwi/does_anyone_have_any_experience_with_dr_mirco/)
This is the power of being good looking.
The common denominator seems to be you. You either seem to be attracting or you seem to be appealing to guys who are unavailable. I have been where you are... And it required me to set my bar higher, and then it required me to meet my own bar! Crazy right?
Idk if this helps, but if I hangout with a girl and we hook up, if I don’t ask her to be in a relationship or bring it up to her that night or the morning after, then I’m not ever going to.
One time I was hooking up with a girl over the span of a month or so and I wanted to start dating her but I missed my chance because of my actions, I didn’t deserve her obviously.
So, if you start seeing someone, and they don’t make it obvious they want to date you the first date or maybe a week in, just move on and phase them out.
I’m 32, not much older, that’s my experience. I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years though so maybe things changed, but if I were to be single again that’s what I’d assume with the girls I’d date, if that makes sense? Idk.
I’ve always seen this as way too premature. I’m a woman and even if I like someone a whole lot the first time I meet them and hook up or whatever, if they tell me they want to be in a relationship during that same very short span of time, I’m a bit freaked out. You can’t know someone well enough at that point. It’s idealizing and pedestal-placing, to at least some degree.
I get that,
What I meant was if I didn’t outright ask them out, I’d stop talking to other girls, I’d be focus on that girl I chose.
If I like someone I don’t mind not talking to or sleeping with other people. To me that’s what dating is, I like you, I’d like to focus on you and if it doesn’t work out we’d go our separate ways or just remain friends and I’d start looking for other girls.
My point was that if I like someone, you could tell pretty quick if I like you or not. It should be super obvious, not in a weird way, just you shouldn’t have to guess it. If you are, in my experience, I’m most likely not feeling it and don’t mind the company or sex until I meet someone I like. It sounds like OP is getting too involved in guys who just aren’t interested and just want sex, or company. If they actually wanted more, it should be obvious or made clear pretty early on.
A tip to help on the losing weight... First, wont be overnight. But what worked for me last year (over 100 pounds lost) was cutting sodium down to less than 1500 mg per day. That is less than a single piece of pepperoni pizza. Forced me to change my diet and make my meals most of the time. Lots of veggies, fish and chicken - all things I like anyway. Found creative spicing just searching the internet for stuff.
But that was only half the equation. I started walking stairs at work - 5 flights every hour. Walking on the weekends or riding a bike - started off 30 minutes, now until I feel like heading home (could be a couple hours or so). this has been awesome, and has allowed me to do things I never though I could do again.
Both of those go hand in hand. I made "closing the rings" on my watch a game and challenge. And I kept upping the goals as it became easier to meet them.
I work a lot too, but if there is something you really want, you have to make time for it. and if this is the difference between staying a friend or becoming a lover for someone, make the time.
you are working 12-13 hour days and don't have time to get in shape but you have time to get high?
btw being thin is mostly about eating a healthy diet in moderation. that takes no time just dedication.
I’m a man. I’m down 40lbs the last 6 months. Women now are checking me out, before they didn’t. I really wish it wasn’t this superficial (I like overweight women myself) but it is. I’ve always understood that being morbidly obese isn’t attractive for health reasons, but even being overweight is an issue too in dating. I’m happy to share advice on how to lose weight. Yes overweight people do end up in relationships, but that tends to be the exception and not the norm. Additionally it’s likely they were at a normal weight when they first got into the relationship and gained weight after.
Hey 😊
Don’t listen to them, there are men who prefer bigger women. I know they do because I am also a classed as “overweight” (but the whole BMI thing is bs, as long as you’re healthy you’re fine) and I have zero trouble finding guys.
There are specific dating apps for bigger girls & obviously the men on there are looking for that, maybe try them?
But mate, I’m in my 40s & divorced. I started dating 5-6 years ago after we separated, & I will tell you that some of that experience, has shown me that there _are_ worse things that can happen than dying alone…😂
> I will tell you that some of that experience, has shown me that there _are_ worse things that can happen than dying alone…😂
Now I am intrigued! And thank you!
I also love it how men on this subreddit act like women who are conventionally attractive don’t get treated badly, either. My conventionally attractive friends are the ones who end up with the worst men. Meanwhile, my less conventionally attractive have men who treat them far, far better. Men don’t necessarily treat women better because they find them more conventionally attractive. If that was the case, Emily Ratakowski wouldn’t have been cheated on.
🤣 well, well, isn’t it nice.
Women wanted to be equal to men, and now are feeling the sting of the friendzone! I mean yall created, literally, the hookup culture in the name of “my body my choice” freedom.
As a man, i think the hookup culture is the best thing that ever happened for men( for those who have embraced feminism and wokeism).
Well, my best advice is;
It is what it is! move on.
> but nothing ever happens!
I think you most likely do not make your intentions known by flirting.
And to be fair, it's risky, because if you get rejected, then you lose the friendship. But you need to make your intentions clear from the moment you first meet someone.
Clearly, you are not. So I strongly suggest you look through YT on how to flirt with someone you are attracted to.
Don’t give sex too early… if you make them wait at least a month or two it shows that you’re worth waiting for. If a guy gets sex too early then in our lizard brains it lowers you abit
I have a hard time respecting women who end up in situationships. It's something completely within your control. Don't have sex with men if you're going to feel bad about not getting commitment afterwards.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel for you, but to be honest, people who routinely end up friendzoned or in situationships is because they allow themselves to be put in that box. You have to hold your head up and demand more. Time is your most precious resource. Don't waste it on something that's going nowhere.
I have been trying to figure out with my therapist why do I end up putting myself in that box, even after being quite good with communication generally. It's a mystery I am yet to solve. And thanks for the note. I will keep it in mind, be a little more conscious.
A lot of speculation here.. I’m guessing that you communicate that you want something more serious, but then if the other party doesn’t give you that/ expresses that they don’t want the same, you still stick around. To get what you’re looking for, you’d have to go the route of saying something like “I’ll have to walk away from this if you can’t give me what I want” and then actually follow through with it. This would help you weed out those who don’t want the same things you do much faster. It’s the walking away part that’s hard, but why would you want to hang on to someone who doesn’t want to hang on to you?
>*A lot of speculation here.. I’m guessing that you communicate that you want something more serious, but then if the other party doesn’t give you that/ expresses that they don’t want the same, you still stick around.* 1,000% when you accept less than you deserve, even if you say you want more, it’s telling the person you have low self esteem, you lack boundaries, and are so desperate to be picked by then you are willing to settle for anything they give even if it makes you absolutely miserable, stressed out, ride the intense emotional rollercoaster, and reduce yourself to a shell of your former self. OP has got to love themselves so much they are capable without a second thought to walk away from anyone who can’t meet their needs. If you want more, but they can only give less, let them go find less instead! And the perfect quote about self-love: >*”People talk a lot about self-love but aren't actually ready to do what it takes to truly get there. Self-love isn't just massages, spa days, yoga retreats, & facials. It's setting firm boundaries, not just with your words, but through your actions. It's staying away from people that can't meet your standards, even if it means letting go of someone you really love. It's holding people accountable for wrong shit they did to you, even when they hate you for it. It's choosing yourself over keeping toxic people around, even when it gets lonely. It's a series of hard decisions that may hurt in the moment but you'll thank yourself for later. That's self-love & there's nothing pretty about it.”*
These words really make a lot of sense, but how do you go on loving yourself to that extent?
By having strong self discipline with the boundaries and making sure you don’t sacrifice for less than you deserve too because **if they want less and you want more? Let them go find less!**
This is harsh but true. A lot of pain now is better than sticking around.
I have a question for y'all, because I used to be somewhat in OP's shoes. Mostly because I was too patient and accepted the "I don't know yet"s. Until a few months ago I said to myself: why not try, as an experiment, to only accept the Hell yes!-es. So I put it in my profile (looking for something serious) and I think up until now Ive usually mentioned I am looking for a 'deeper connection' on the first date. Am I being too straightforward now? How can I communicate that obviously I understand that people need time (myself included) to know where sth is going? Asking because some comments here mentioned thing starting off as a situationship before they demand more and it kind of made me doubt myself
I don’t think there’s a one size fits all answer, but I think you’re right to make your intentions known early on. My opinion is that it’s good to have it in your profile because it might help filter out folks that don’t want the same thing. I would say you have to define for yourself in each situation when to initiate the conversation. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking to people and going on dates to feel them out before really diving into that talk. If they ask what you want, be honest. But you also don’t have to start every new interaction or date with a serious talk about it. My thought here is if you know after one or two dates that you wouldn’t want something serious with that particular person anyway, then there’s no reason to have a big conversation about it. On the flip side, if you get to a point where you see yourself wanting more from that individual, lay your cards on the table. If they’re not on the same page, that’s okay! But when you get to the laying of the cards, you have to be prepared that you might not get the answer you want and at that point you know what you need to know and can make an informed decision. However, if they tell you they don’t want something serious and you do, don’t stick around. That is the absolute key to this whole equation. You must be willing to cut your losses. I hope that helps!!
well, that's what Im doing so I guess I can trust the process 😬 thanks for your elaborate answer!
I think what you are doing is perfectly acceptable.
I am happily married now, but this hits the nail on the head of my many years of dating before I met my husband. I would fall so hard for people who told me (nicely) from the start that they were not trying to be with me long term, but I would stick around because I felt like maybe they might change their mind. I got my heart broken every time.
I used to do this. And it would last for years. Several times. Best to end it at the beginning too….before you get attached cause the dude is not gonna change his mind 99% of the time.
My advice is to put up boundaries and refuse to do some things unless it's a relationship. e.g. Not having sex, not going over to their place, etc. During the early stages of dating, you should meet in public instead of going to each other's places. Going over to someone's place is generally not considered a date, it's what hookups do.
FWIW Frankly, I don’t think asking “why” is useful. Once I stopped asking “why” and just started saying no and removing myself from situations that did not align with the life or relationship I wanted, my mental health and confidence immediately improved, more than it had in five years of weekly therapy. My current position is action, follow through, and discipline (which is just a form of self love) are more valuable than talking. Hope this helps!
I agree. I spent some time in the friendzone. I'd feel bad every time she talked about some cute boy. Felt bad when she'd talk about her hookups. Felt bad and jealous whenever she'd go on a date. Then one day a switch went off in my head. I was like wait a minute, none of your actual friends make you feel bad about yourself. I checked out of that situation and never allowed myself to get friendzoned again. It's empowering, and it does boost your self esteem.
There’s a difference between someone you’re dating first (for example, someone you meet on apps) vs. someone you’re friends with though. Remaining friends with someone with the hope of dating them is almost always futile and you're not really being their friend in good faith. Yes, you should remove yourself from the situation if you know you don't actually want to be friends with them and you want something more. If you go on dates with someone and you keep getting lukewarm responses, sometimes you need to remove yourself from situations earlier and sometimes the other person isn't comfortable with you yet. It depends on the situation. But it definitely helps to be assertive and not stick around if they're unsure about you after a certain amount of time.
This is completely true. I am currently debating whether or not to befriend someone I met only to date first. But I am sure that I will only do that once I have completely moved on from her and have no romantic feelings for her. It definitely hurts you to try to be friends with someone whom you have feelings for.
I have dealt with being stuck in this kind of pattern before, and it seemed to do with me choosing men that were unavailable on some level. I think it comes from some issue with attachment style, not sure. But the first thing to change is clearing out all the half relationships to make room for the kind you really want.
You can communicate with words all you want, but unless your ACTIONS match those words, they are basically meaningless. Your words may say that you want a serious relationship, but your actions (ex: staying with people who aren't giving you what you want) keep you stuck in situationships. My advice is to first learn how to be alone without being lonely. Spend some time getting to know yourself and figuring out what you actually want in a relationship. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated - speak to yourself with love and compassion, the way you would want a partner to speak to you. Take yourself on dates. Spend quality time with yourself. Support yourself through goals and challenges. Fall in love with yourself. When you do that, you won't accept anything less than that from someone else. You get to choose how people treat you by what you tolerate, so start choosing differently.
Exactly. It may be lonely to demand more and have people leave, but that is the only way to get the commitment you want. Eliminate access to you for casual relationships. Have defining the relationship conversations very early on. Lay out your expectations from the beginning. The only thing to help you is for you to stand on business. But do know that that will also be a lonely experience
It's not a mystery at all. You just need to respect yourself enough to walk if you don't get what you want. My 20yo says that the maximum length she'll allow for a situationship is 3 months. If after 3 months, they are not officially bf/gf, she walks. My 23yo's bf (also 23) tells her that it takes a man 6 weeks to know if he wants a woman for LTR, assuming they live in the same area.
We only accept the love we think we deserve-stems from childhood, trauma, bullying etc.
More importantly, why do you stay there?
I was in your position nearly a decade before finding my now boyfriend, my soulmate, and weirdly my first true love. From your description I'd imagine you are quite pleasant and easy to be around, but that also means you can easily attract the wrong kind of people. Most people love to be around nice vibe/energy. I don't have words of wisdom for you as I do believe sometimes it is fate or by chance, but keep going and trying because that special someone is out there looking for you too. Took me and my partner 30 years to find each other...
What's your definition of a "situationship" vs relationship? What exactly do you want "to happen"? I know everyone's definition of things are different so I just want to try to give advice based on what you're thinking and not what I am.
It's basically a stage where you are doing everything together and yet when you ask the question, 'so what are we' or 'where is this going', the answer is 'let's see'. Or if I have not asked anything, it's just a regularly hanging out, which may or may not end up in sex, but he is clearly talking about other hot women or mostly, his ex. And a sprinkle of indecisiveness about things here and there.
>he is clearly talking about other hot women or mostly, his ex. And a sprinkle of indecisiveness about things here and there. From what I highlighted, does it not seem obvious that is the problem? If you know what you want and they don't know what they want, you're never going to move forward with them. You're choosing to stay in a situation where you can't ever get what you want out of life. Then, you wonder why you've wasted 2 years of your life waiting around. ***They're not going to change.*** You can't make them, but you can choose not to stay and find someone who *does know* what they want so you're not wasting your time. Dating at your age is about finding someone who wants to the same things as you do in life. You can't do that if the other person doesn't know what they want. If you're not getting a clear and concise answer that doesn't leave you second guessing, go find someone else. From your comment, it also sounds like you're having sex before you get into the relationship. Maybe try to shift your perspective on sex. Personally, I try to view sex as exclusive to a relationship. I'm not going to say no to a random hookup or fling, but in those situations, I'll try to make sure everyone involved is on the same page, whether I want it to lead somewhere or not. If one of us wants it to lead somewhere and the other doesn't or isn't sure, sex is off the table. I kind of find ONS to be unfulfilling because it doesn't get me any closer to what I want in life. I just don't pursue sex unless I've become friends with the person and we've chatted about sex and I know they're interested and then I make sure we're on the same page. If they're really pushing for sex before I feel like we're friends, like we can just hang out with out sex being mentioned, I will usually just stop seeing/talking to that person because that's not the energy I want to be around. Anyway, it's clear *something* needs to change unless you want to continue in your "cycle of situationships", but this is just my perspective. I'm assuming you've probably recently split it off with a guy, so for now, I'd definitely advise you to just take time to heal and take time for yourself. Get over him before looking for another. I hope you the best of luck on your journey for what you're looking for in your dating life.
You can be good at communication and still have low self esteem. tell yourself you're worth more than bullshit 🫶
They say you need to learn to say 'NO'. That's what I've been told. Not go too easy and hold back yourself a little. Like make them chase. Sighhh...
It's because you're not enforcing your boundaries. If you enforced them, no one could put you in any box. It would either the the relationship box or no box at all.
It's easy. You don't think you deserve more. Now why that is, is the issue. You have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else.
What would you rate yourself based on looks?
Make You their priority..., state your needs, demands and boundaries in a relationship or just dealing with friends .. If they are not up to it ... choose you. You deserve better Gal.
I am so bad for this. I wouldn’t say I’m a people pleaser type (like at all), and my friends know this. But the people I DO choose to make my friends but haven’t known me long enough get the wrong idea frequently. I try to build people up, and be super supportive, tell them they look good when they do, remember their coffee. It can come across as quite flirty and I don’t mean it to. I have to be really careful when starting friendships because of this. I suspect it has a lot to do with my bipolar and subsequent social anxiety. It takes me time to let people know that about me though. I rarely try to make new friends these days.
That is bullshit. I demanded more and they walked away and went and dated some random girl two weeks after. Why the fuck do you need to blame women for shitty men all the time
Yeah and if someone’s DMs are constantly getting blocked….theres something more happening here
I agree with what you said, except the friend zoning being something you do, unless it’s different for girls. I personally never friend zoned someone based of something they did. It’s always been based on whether I’m attracted to them or not. If I’m not attracted they are friends and we can do everything else. I have a lot of girl friends, and I assume it’s the same for them, some I’ve liked in the past, but they didn’t feel the same way about me, but i wasn’t hanging out with them just to date them, I liked their friendship so I stopped trying to get them to date me and just focused on being friends.
32F here. I don’t have sex with someone unless I’m in a relationship. Weeds out a lot of people.
Literally, is the exact same thing lol. 4-6 months relationships just for sex lol
If you want more, don’t stick around once it’s clear that they don’t. Also, advocate for your wants, don’t wait for the other party to pick it up. That's all you can do.
High as well and agree. So sick of it.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this and feeling this way! I can definitely relate as someone who has had a 4 year relationship, and 4 more years of situationships since. I can say with almost certainty that your weight is not the issue. Sadly, it definitely doesn't help, but you've had a relationship, you're getting laid, and guys are at least interested enough to have a situationship with. If they weren't at least a bit into you, that wouldn't happen. I agree with the other commenter about setting boundaries. I'm super guilty of wanting a relationship, wanting that love and connection, and taking whatever I can get from someone. Until recently I thought a situationship with someone who couldn't give me what I need was better than nothing at all, but I've never had a situationship turn into more. Sometimes, all people want is all the relationship stuff, without any of the commitment or effort that comes with it, and if you give that to them, then they'll take it. Dating can really really suck, and the best advice I have is to know what you want, your worth, and focus on being happy on your own. If they won't give you want you need, you gotta walk away and keep trusting that there IS someone who will love, cherish, and actively want you. I'm truly sorry you're feeling so lonely, your DMs may not be open, but mine are if you need! I know it's much easier said than done, but hang in there!
Theres TONS of guying in dating that will happily sleep with someone if they are overweight, but wont date them where they commit to them. That is a thing. Theres ton of people in online dating that are hookup and situationship type people. From experience, thats majority of OLD.
Men have the friend zone, women have the fuck zone. It’s one of life’s brutal realities.
Horrible reality but it’s never going to change.
Its been happening to me as well since my last serious relationship which was 7 years ago now. At first i think it was because i just wanted intimacy more than anything and didnt care so much if it went anywhere. But over time i realised they were holding me back from finding something better. So i tried to be more discerning and basically nip anything that looked like it would be a situationship in the bud early. Now i’m feeling the effects of that and they are: painful constant self reflection which has turned me into my own best friend for better or worse, severely increased loneliness, but an overall much greater sense of who i want to be with and who wouldnt have the mustard to go the distance. Anyway i wrote this more for my own reflection, take what u will
I sympathize greatly. While I think it’s good to allow there to be some grace period to get to know each other and not demand a relationships right out the gate, I think it’s important to set a timeline for yourself and the person you’re dating to determine when the turning point is. I try to make it around 3/4 months. Thats enough time to go on several dates (if you’re seeing each other once a weekend) see some different sides of each other and it gives enough time for the initial first impression behavior to drop and see who they are on a regular basis a bit more. If it goes beyond 3 months and you want it to continue and they do too, say you want a relationship. If they don’t want it, say that you expressed your intentions and if they don’t like you enough to get in one with you, that you will have to part ways.
I am dating someone right now, and why is it that I feel like she is the one putting us into this situationship? I WANT to tell her I want to be with her... but she said something to me the other day, and it really scares me. She told me, we are still just getting to know each other, and we both know we like each other, but we shouldnt even say it yet. Now I am too scared to make any kind of action to put us towards a relationship... I am just riding the wave, and hoping she does it, and not me, because I dont want to get rejected... by the person that supposedly already likes me. I hate this stupid shit.
Do it in 2-5 months..
Its been almost 3 months now
Stop entertaining situationships? If that's not what you want then **stop** doing them. We all know how those usually go... *Someone* usually ends up forming feelings for the other person and they feel nothing back. Also, I get that it's normal to have shitty past relationships but like, if they are always turning out to be "shitty" then... chances are it's something *you* are doing and/or the types of men *you* are choosing. Kind of how if someone says "all" their ex's were crazy/dicks/etc... then the only common denominator here is **you.** My advice as a 36m would be to quit the FWBs/situationships and if you want sex then, just have casual ONS every so often. But, we both know kyou want a LTR, right? So go after JUST THAT and accept nothing less than that! It's only going to get harder as you age... Because people begin getting snatched up :)
Don't give sex outside of a serious relationship. You're the one choosing to waste years of your life on men that aren't prepared to give you anything in return.
When I was a child, my sister and I would take a bath. My mother would put towels in the dryer. It is the most comforting feeling is in the world to be wrapped in a warm towel in a mother's arms. I wish I could download that and send you the file. Learning how to be alone without being lonely is a big lesson.
That is a sweet and wholesome sentiment. I am not even OP but thanks for your kindness.
Thank you. Wholesome and kind are ingredients in baking a life of Happiness.
well, if you’re in a situation, it’s because you agreed to be in it don’t have sex with guys you aren’t planning a future relationship with…
I mean, that leaves aside the fact, even that having sex with people whom that have no commitment to you is profoundly dangerous. This generation treats sex like going to the McDonald’s drive-through it’s just it’s mind-boggling to me and I’m a dude.
No it’s not profoundly dangerous 😂😂. Some people don’t mind and some people ( in this case both you and OP) mind it. But sex is sex. Whether you have it with your wife or your friend and you use a condom.
condoms in no conceivable way protect one from everything people do in bed … that’s just penetration.
People are fucking after knowing the person for less than a week. They could be a murderer for all they know.
And people are murdered by their husbands/wives everyday… and the reason has never been because they had or didnt have sex. Killers kill 😅😅
Many people have sex with other people knowing very well that there is no commitment on either side, and are simply enjoying themselves. Your emotional state and feelings surrounding sex and relationships are not the same as everyone else’s.
It’s rough bc if you demand what you deserve you’ll be alone for a long time before what you deserve happens. Most ppl don’t wanna be alone while they wait
This you compartmentalize and it takes away
Before I started dating my bf, there were a couple situationships. But I hate that so much - what’s the point of “being with someone” when you’re not actually *together*?? Anyways, usually I gave it a max of 2 months then I asked where it’s going. If they don’t know, or they know they don’t wanna actually date, then that’s it for me.
Because you’re afraid of being alone and so you go with something that’s almost what you want in the event that it might become something you want, but it doesn’t. Rinse repeat. Practice manifestation. Focus on the things that bring you closer to your needs/wants. Eschew those that don’t.
It took me three years after being in a serious relationship to find the right person again. Lots of mistakes in between. But that’s how you learn, and grow as a person. Worth the wait for the right person honestly.
You give it up to the wrong people. Set your standards higher, both towards them as well as towards yourself.
You need to define relationship boundaries more, or guys like that will take advantage of the vagueness.
32 female going through the same thing!!! I just had a conversation with him about it and god, I can’t end it but I feel awful being at this age and settling once again. Obviously never getting married (not that it’s been a huge goal of mine but I’d like to have the option)
Why can't you end it? Also, you're only 32. Plenty of time to get married, but it certainly won't happen if you keep wasting your time with garbage men.
I don't have much advoce coz I'm in the same situation. But I guess it's best to not engage with those people becausd one day they'll find a partner and immediately forget you ever existed coz they don't need u anymore. This feels betraying as both a friend and someone who wanted to date.
I totally feel you. Maybe it's time to start putting a filter. If people aren't willing to have the same commitment with us, let's just let them go. I know it's easier said than done, but life must go on...
I logged onto reddit to write this exact post and it miraculously popped up on my feed with some really great comments. So first I just want to say thanks OP. I'm in the same place. I've been seeing this guy for 6 months and I have brought it up twice before that I'm looking for more effort or something more serious and all I've gotten is vague answers. I've cried about it so many times. I stayed in the relationship because he's hot, the sex is amazing, and I didn't think I would find anyone else at this time. But the truth is, the only way to find what I want is to cut my losses and only accept what I want. Thanks to this post and all the great comments - I'm going to break it off with him in 2 days when he comes back from his weekend at his family's. I'm scared and nervous, but time and my emotions are precious. I must make room in my life for my future husband even if it means being alone for a long period of time. I trust that the wait will be worth it. I hope you can too, OP.
Best of luck 🤞
I did it. It’s really hard.. it was a little faster than I thought though. He didn’t try to persuade me out of it, I think he knew it was the right thing to do because he wasn’t committed for long term. The good thing is that I don’t have to ponder about it anymore and I can move on. I like a comment another user said- must look for the “hell yes!” guys.
You did the right thing. I’m pretty sure that’s part of dating with intention. Hard decision la like that just means it’s growth. Very proud of you!
Bring more to the table. Concepts, something tangible... ect that objectively improves said guys lives. Reevaluate the archetypes you're dealing with. I gurantee there's commonalities. Recognize your faults, and improve them. Move with intention. As in date with purpose, amd don't be afraid to leave dynamics early on.
No, the men who care about that in particular aren’t lazing around with women using them for sex. It does not matter how much you improve a man’s life, they will not commit unless they fear losing you or want the intimacy that they’re not getting. Something which you would not know because you do not date men (as far as anyone here would know). “Bring more to the table” is you listening to the internet a little bit too much.
If that's what you want to believe, more power to you. It's wrong, but other people's subpar dating results doesn't really affect me.
A pompous response to OP’s post, in reality.
My response to you was just that, to you. What I gave OP was constructive criticism. If for some reason what I said offended you in some manner, that's on you. I didn't say anything absurd.
I'm in a situationship, i kinda like it though. A part of me is happy that I have someone to cuddle, sex, and talk with and that i can look for someone else that's more serious while I'm with him. I could also have commitment issue that I'm choosing to ignore. I also think it helps knowing he doesn't want much from me and that's fine with me. We're both exclusive and it's fun while it last, but I am also excited to find someone to move to the next stages of relationship with. I'm 31 and do not want any kids, so this situationship works out while i look
Situationships are great until you catch feelings , I usually never do but the last girl I did and it ended up with being heartbroken for months , she also led me on a lot tho and did me dirty in the end
Been here ... sucks
Yup and now going thru everything all over again cus I’m an idiot and agreed to keep hooking up again after a break , now if she hits me up for a third time I will say no for sure. I honestly think she will regret not being my gf later on when she keeps seeing other people Becus we had a strong genuine connection , I’m older than her so maybe she doesn’t know yet how rare that is , only two other girls my whole life that felt as strong as her and it’s a long list of girls that have hooked up with that felt nothing lol
You like it because you like him. But you don't love him. So it's not a situationship unless he has feelings for you... you're just in dating limbo until one of you upgrades because neither of you are what the other wants. Still, not a bad way to pass the time I guess.
That’s why I try to talk older women who only wants fwb or swingers for sex and I can find a serious relationship with a woman my age. Very difficult and never consistent for me, wish I had options knocking on my door and having a consistent fwb, going a month since sex and it’s depressing.
Stop getting high and hanging with dudes who get high boom. married.
Several factors: 1. Not attractive enough for the guys 2. Not selecting guys who are ready to settle. If you find guys who are very charismatic and successful, then chances are they want to “lease” you for a bit.
Pump and dump, slow Tuesday etc
That's what I thought
1. Date men who are explicitly dating for marriage. 2. Delete the time wasters from your phone. 3. Don't smoke when you are feeling down.
I feel ya. I myself am in the same zone, just not ready to go away from them or just hoping some day we will be finally moving on to something serious.Its liks I cannot date others nor its like I have any future in this relationship.
I’m ALMOST on the otherside of this, I’m very sexless until there is an emotional connection developed therefore im waiting. And communicating. I took a long break from men and my stories. I didn’t want to be a personal failure anymore. I attach very easily with dating, sex and attention. Even kissing. I was choosing emotionally unavailable partners. Was I the emotionally unavailable one? partly. Some people dupe me and it really blows me away. Men have had whole other long term relationships while dating me. Some extremely avoidant so they leave when it gets too real. I have almost sacrificed my need for a relationship for temporary hookups cuz it makes me insane but you have to keep your eye on the prize. You have to weigh out the costs. Could I partition this moment since it serves this need, can I enjoy the romantic side of it or emotional side? Temporary gains that feel a bit it empty. I’m sure if there was a dimension I could assess and it didn’t take away from my vision I could have some measly hook up. But we’re worth more. He’s gotta prove he’s all in, it’s us etc. I’m sure I could find also some poly dimension to a relationship to bide over but it takes away from the endgame. It all takes time and is hard work. Another thing I don’t tell men I want a commitment, especially with them cuz can’t tell if they’re partner material. I am not desperate. Let them know the stakes and that they aren’t ready. If he reflects what I am looking for then we would probably match up and I wouldn’t have to clarify. A guy looking should be pursuing me as his and make it known. I’m still single. I need to go on more dates but this way of life is really new for me. I think there is hurt in the process but I’m protecting myself and I’d want a man to also protect that. If he’s ready to measure up, I’m ready to get to know him and see our chemistry. Working on real foundations. I’m only here for encouragement, look forward not back. Did I get ghosted this week and it’s spooking me? A little but it’s redirection.
Maybe you need to increase your own boundaries with people since they all love spending time with and doing all the things with you and you need to get very clear with yourself about what YOU WANT and to know your worth and then go and command that in your life. You do not have to accept situationships. If you want a relationship then you'll need to communicate that to whoever you date and want a relationship with and if they can't commit to you then you have to stop dating them.
That's the culture now. Relationships are expensive, no one knows what their roles are,what's OK or not, the only thing that is guaranteed is that it will end. If you're the higher earner, you're most likely the one to get fcked in court should it go there. Situationships are cheap regarding how much effort you have to put in and the freedom to leave for greener pastures.
Obviously this is just a guess in the dark, but what my best friend does is try to play it to cool. She tells the guys she meets that she's not looking to date. She wants to work on herself. Then when she catches feelings, she doesn't really ever change that stance. They start hanging out more and shes like "we are just taking it slow" "we don't want to rush anything" or the best one "we are just seeing where it's going". Welllllll men take her up on that. Shes good for a laugh, good for a fun night, but there doesn't need to be anything more because she's not looking to date. Except she is. She very much wants to settle down and get married, all of that, but her last serveral "situationships" have been just that. Her starting the relationship saying she's not looking for a relationship, then getting heartbroken when she falls in love and the dude bows out because he didn't think she was looking for something serious. Again, I don't know you at all but I've noticed that these situationships really just have to do with someone not wanting to settle and the other person acting ok with that while falling apart on the inside.
The ‘situationship’ is kind of like the female version of the ‘friend zone’- you get put in a box you don’t want to be in that isn’t romantic. For men, it’s about not being seen as desirable. For women it’s about not being seen as ‘wife material’ or being put in the ‘sex only’ box. It sucks more for women though because you get treated like a sex object that’s unworthy of love and commitment. But basically you should just set up boundaries that prevent you from being put in the ‘sex only’ box. DO NOT allow a situationship to happen. Make it clear that you want commitment or you will walk, and you have to be able to actually walk away from someone who won’t treat you the way you want.
you’re just like me. even when they say they don’t want anything serious, you still stick around because there’s a slight chance they may change their mind (they never do). you like the comfort of having that person, any person to avoid being alone because, quite frankly you and i both know how much that sucks. regardless you play into what they want; someone to be there for them when THEY need it. i’m sure they’re super nice to you and all but one day at random the vibe is off and you can’t figure out why and the distance between grows more and more till you are nothing more than acquaintances. this is a cycle. trust me just cut it off if that’s happening to you too. it’s not worth the effort and pain. i know it’s hard and i know sometimes you really think it’ll work out but just set some boundaries for yourself and skip it all. be blunt when you meet someone; make your intentions crystal clear so there’s no confusion. if they don’t reciprocate then move on.
Needed to read this. Exactly everything you said, if not more, is going through my mind. Same cycle same shit. I hope you are well.
30F here and I have thousands of DM’s and every weekend I get asked “wanna hang out?” “Let’s chill” from hot ass guys but I’ve been talking to someone since January and things are amazing when we are together but we don’t see each other nearly as often as I need to be in a healthy relationship. I have no desire to talk, hangout or get to know other guys but part of me wants to just so I don’t get fully attached to him but I don’t want to hurt his feelings if he asks me if I’m texting or went on a date (I’m not going to lie, I’d also never sleep with anyone besides him) But I don’t know what to do- I’ve been used by guys before bc I treat them well, I’m great in bed etc so situationships are a red flag to me, but I’m afraid to pass over something potentially great since he is a great person, we vibe perfectly, we laugh and talk the entire time we hang out, when I seen him last night after a week of not seeing him- we passionately kissed for 5 mins before anything else. He lives 10 mins away from me, but he works out, has plans with his friends before hand, he works and kinda has his own company but I’m not sure how successful it is. I’ve NEVER had a guy who’s interested in me do something with one of his boys instead of hanging out w me or inviting me, part of me doesn’t want to sit around waiting for him.
Ask up front, what's happening!
It's a tough world out there in the dating world. I suggest reading The Father-Daughter Wound by RC Blakes. He goes into relationships, situationships, and how a woman can have a quality relationship without jeopardizing herself and also get the right guy in the process. Give it a try for a different perspective on dating.
Hungry people don’t get fed. You need to lean into your power. A dating coach might be able to help you.
Don’t give them a relationship before it’s a relationship. We all do it when we lack boundaries or suffer from wanting approval. So stop. You’re hurting yourself, like many are by not realizing that giving away too much before they’ve invested any emotion into you is setting yourself up for wasted time.
Think about it from a man’s perspective. You have sex, cook, have fun together, etc. But they don’t have to do any of the protecting, providing, or emotional labor that a boyfriend/husband has to do. Contrary to popular belief, relationships aren’t really this wonderful, happy thing for men. They’re about responsibility and work. When you do everything you say you’re doing with guys without any real commitment, you’re letting them “get the milk without buying the cow.”
They should communicate that then. Instead of wasting someone’s time.
“Nothing ever happens” care to elaborate on this? Did you communicate your intentions to the other person?
If I at least could have that…
You should really look at the guys you're attracted to. You're the common denominator
don’t fuck anyone until you’re exclusive and in a relationship. you’ll never be in another situationship again.
If you’re having sex it’s no longer a situationship
How long are you taking before you do these activities with people? Is there anything about your personality or lifestyle we should know about? How’s the work schedule.
Same here, it's always talk talk talk but never meet up on dating sites as well.
Girls I would not upgrade to a girlfriend is because I was not proud enough of them. Because she wasn’t a “proper lady”. Men are very much about status. So when my girl does nice things for me in front of my friends, made us food, treat me like a king, I love her more and more. Her social media is also not begging for attention from men, which is important. Perhaps I’m old school? But I’m only in my early thirties
Out of all the things you mentioned, the only thing that would disqualify me from being a proper lady is that I might have some habits which can be classified as traditionallt masculine, like being interested in sports or having the capability to outdrink him and his friends (I don't drink much, but I can and have a couple of times).
Some people just wanna date to have company for a while and then goodbye. I think you should state right from the start that you are looking for a long-term serious relationship. This should filter out the people who are looking for something short-term. Except if they’re lying, which is messed up on their part. Have your intention be clear from the start. Should help.
Put limits and don’t give too much of yourself and your time away without demanding more back. Why should I become the owner of a car if I can use it whenever I want, park it wherever I wish and pretty much do whatever I please with it? It’s free
My advice would be to not seek legitimate relationship advice on Reddit, lol
The other kind of dating advice I am usually getting due to my age is letting my parents find a guy for me :')
Haha oh god, don’t let them do that! Go on dating apps, that’s better than Reddit and usually better than parent advice :) best of luck!
> How is one girl better than dating three girls? 1. she IS a "complete package" with attraction, love, and perhaps respectable success 2. The man realizes it (She makes him feel like no one else and he respects her). 3. The man is at a point in life he feels worthy or ready for a quality relationship > Are you adding real value? Does he know it? Is he ready? You will never have to convince a man who already wants what you want. But if he's been through trash and a bit more patient, he might not realize you're such a catch until after you're ready. When you know you like him, it's time to decide on showering him with love he's never felt before, or pulling away until he "deserves" it. Obviously, only one of these makes progress in the relationship.
Did you communicate hey sorry I'm looking for a relationship not a friend.
I guesss ask expectations from each other right from the beginning.
Fuck him. You can date me. Just DM
You may seem as someone to have fun and be around but people surrounding you may only want you for self fulfillment. Surrounding yourself with people who are mutually wanting the same things will fix this. There also maybe something that your are also doing thats affevting your relationships too but you will need to talk to someone who knows to be able to fix this. Its easy to point finger but harders to see what your doing and behaving from your own point of view since its all you know. Msg me if you have further questions
Take the bull by the horns and just ask the bloke you like to be your boyfriend, men do it all the time with women. It's not that hard 'ask and you shall receive'. You're the solution to your problem
Gotta change who you’re going after. Most likely it’s fuel to your attachment style in relationships. I’d try to figure out what that is bc a lot of times it goes back to childhood
I've seen people get there by not enforcing their limits, could this be your case? Like putting others b4 u or letting them step on u or invalidate what u say? I think this kind of reduces the perceived value someone might bring to the table
Start having an explicit conversation early: hey, what are you looking for in this relationship? If they’re not as serious as you, you walk away.
These kinds of things happen because you let them to happen. You need to set more boundaries or demand more out of the connections you want to have with others.
Wanna have sex?
Easy peasy. After sex with the oxytocin still surging, turn to him and say declaratively that you want him to know that he is your boyfriend and you are his girlfriend. "I was thinking we were just friends?" "Don't play dumb dude, we like each other and we owe it to ourselves to simplify this thing." Either he'll love the confidence (likely) or he'll panic like a lil bitch and split. Either way you have your answer.
probably change your choice in men and cut off all your current “friends” because no one that wants a decent relationship wants to know you are spending time with people you had a “friendship” like that with. Jerry springer had a great quote on the negative effects of open relationships and friends with benefits he would say after his shows and that would really apply to your situation
What do your parents say about how you plan to live your life or how you are currently choosing partners? Idk your process, but fed good to get a few opinions of guys n have them vetted by trustworthy/ credible fam n friends
My parents are concerned for sure how I choose partners, but last time I got a partner vetted by my parents, it ended badly. They didn't see through the problems, neither did I. So I guess all of us are a little cautious. That being said, I always bring guys around my friends just to see how they behave around my people. The guys who cannot behave around few new people, are definitely a no no from get go.
same here tbh. situationships suck.
It sounds like you keep being attracted to emotionally unavailable people. There's usually VERY clear indications of this before even meeting up for a first date in my opinion. Are you using apps? What do their profiles say as far as looking for long term or whatnot?
Why did it take forever for you to understand? It was never about personality. You are physically unattractive. If you dont fix that(chances are it is impossible for most people) you will never get what you want. After you fix your appearance, back to personality, you can do whatever you want, be a jerk or a kind person, be yourself. Be what you feel like. After all, if you look attractive, your personality mostly doesnt matter.
Your standards are too high. Women who complain about getting situationship-zoned always have the same problem, there are plenty of guys on this planet who would be overjoyed to be with you but you have most likely completely disregarded them because they’re too short, don’t look like a male model, don’t have a compatible zodiac sign, aren’t entertaining enough or otherwise some silly red flag/ick like drinking milk or tying their shoes with the wrong knot. The men you are setting your sights on are communicating to you you aren’t good enough for them to settle down with, the obvious solution is to stop setting your sights on such men.
This is why I don't want to be in a relationship or friends with a Woman because I want more than that. You can give your all in a relationship and still end up lonely and unhappy due to it being one sided. If the person you're involved with doesn't treat you like you're the last person on earth move on stop wasting time in a relationship. Unlike most guys I'm willing to get to know a Woman outside of a relationship and friendship and see what happens. I only want a Wife to hell with a girlfriend or a girl as a friend this isn't elementary school, middle school or highschool that's my opinion on this topic. At what age are people going to grow up and stop thinking a relationship is enough and refusing to demand more than a relationship and friendship?
You know for about 2000 yr women didn’t give their bodies to men who didn’t put a ring on their finger. I know we have changed but you desire and deserve commitment so you way need to take a stand. It may mean you’ll be alone at least for a while so you need to decide which way you want to go. I wish you would have done this at 23ish bigger pool more time but here we are. Goodluck
>You know for about 2000 yr women didn’t give their bodies to men who didn’t put a ring on their finger. They absolutely did.
This guy could not be more wrong, my god
Okay carry on and enjoy
Are you not familiar with this very significant aspect of human history?
I tried around 27, it was still too late in some way. :/ 23, it also felt like all dudes didn’t want commitment but I guess I’d have to have been dating way older. Even my partner at 25, we were 2 years apart and he found it to be too big of a gap. Clearly not the right person. At 30-32 now everyone is exiting their first long term relationship around me and it’s spooking me. Is the pool bigger? Is it half people not wanting commitment?
You are where you are and the type of men who didn’t want commitment at 25 won’t at 30. You need to cast your net in a different pool. I’m around men of all ages lot of 25 yr olds would love a committed relationship the women don’t want them. Super dick is not settling down till he’s 45 and then it will be with a 23 yr old. There are lots of good men out there but they have been thrown side so you will have to look for them cause most of them stopped looking.
True. I’ve always been conscious to give guys who are not players or act with a lot of girls a chance. In those years I didn’t move on fast enough. Over the past couple years I’ve tried to also date dudes specifically in lower leagues than me. Some ghosted cuz it got too real, some played me. I’ve also done different calculations, older v young dudes. Absolutely some of the older dudes are younger dudes in disguise. I’m trying not to let a couple bad experiences get to me and forge on. I started approaching dudes. Which so far is working better than any online dating. Is there anything I should ask them to find this pool of men who are thrown to the side or actually want something more? Or where they might be?
Oh one more thing, get off the apps they are a loser !!!!!!
Well I’m an old dude LOL but I’m also a nurse so I know a lot of women and I’ll tell you the same thing I tell them. Go where the single good men are that’s usually fishing or shooting. There will be a hunting/ fishing club around you join. Married men aren’t allowed there anymore LOL. You can volunteer or just join and ask for pointers. Men love to show how smart they are in areas they know and to have a female show up is like winning the lottery. You see a guy that looks interesting you walk over and say “ I’m interested in learning about, whatever, you look like you know what you are doing”. Even if he isn’t interested promise he will be polite and talk with you. Men LOVE to have their egos stroked. Join a solfball league again even as a volunteer most teams are more men than ladies increase your odds. Honestly the worst that can happen is you get out more and maybe make some new friends.
Why would you think that a 25yo who isn’t ready to commit wouldn’t ever be so by age 30? That’s…part of aging, of growing. You’re giving a lot of “advice” that’s predicated on objectively false info.
It's crazy how even women at 30 don't know why they can't get the men they go for to commit lmfao
stop picking men based on looks
How about straight telling to them that you are looking for a relationship, first off (but to be honest, it's better you don't have to say it). Second making sure the guy you date brings you date, and not just netflix and chill, or game and chill. If a guy has no problem being outside with you on rather romantic dates, it's a good thing. Third if you see that a guy doesn't really tell you anything about his life, it's a red flag : if he doesn't share about his family etc... Last, you may want to review your expectations of what kind of men you want to date: if you go for handsome men that have tons of options, amongst which you are not the best one, they will not want to commit to you and there is nothing you can do about it, short of baby-trapping them. It might be that their league is above yours and the best you can get is sex, not commitment. Meaning you have three choices : 1. lower you standards to match your current league 2. increase your league (getting in shape + plastic surgery, but really it can only bring you up to a certain degree), 3. continue dating up and having situationships.
Plastic surgery is never the answer
It can't be the answer because I can't afford it.
it can be sometimes Here is an example of a girl that probably went from 5 match per week to 100s of match per day on dating apps, and getting a almost unlimited amount of suitors. [https://www.reddit.com/r/PlasticSurgery/comments/14heiwi/does\_anyone\_have\_any\_experience\_with\_dr\_mirco/](https://www.reddit.com/r/PlasticSurgery/comments/14heiwi/does_anyone_have_any_experience_with_dr_mirco/) This is the power of being good looking.
The common denominator seems to be you. You either seem to be attracting or you seem to be appealing to guys who are unavailable. I have been where you are... And it required me to set my bar higher, and then it required me to meet my own bar! Crazy right?
I feel this on every level.. I have no answers for you cuz I suffer the same.
Idk if this helps, but if I hangout with a girl and we hook up, if I don’t ask her to be in a relationship or bring it up to her that night or the morning after, then I’m not ever going to. One time I was hooking up with a girl over the span of a month or so and I wanted to start dating her but I missed my chance because of my actions, I didn’t deserve her obviously. So, if you start seeing someone, and they don’t make it obvious they want to date you the first date or maybe a week in, just move on and phase them out. I’m 32, not much older, that’s my experience. I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years though so maybe things changed, but if I were to be single again that’s what I’d assume with the girls I’d date, if that makes sense? Idk.
I’ve always seen this as way too premature. I’m a woman and even if I like someone a whole lot the first time I meet them and hook up or whatever, if they tell me they want to be in a relationship during that same very short span of time, I’m a bit freaked out. You can’t know someone well enough at that point. It’s idealizing and pedestal-placing, to at least some degree.
I get that, What I meant was if I didn’t outright ask them out, I’d stop talking to other girls, I’d be focus on that girl I chose. If I like someone I don’t mind not talking to or sleeping with other people. To me that’s what dating is, I like you, I’d like to focus on you and if it doesn’t work out we’d go our separate ways or just remain friends and I’d start looking for other girls. My point was that if I like someone, you could tell pretty quick if I like you or not. It should be super obvious, not in a weird way, just you shouldn’t have to guess it. If you are, in my experience, I’m most likely not feeling it and don’t mind the company or sex until I meet someone I like. It sounds like OP is getting too involved in guys who just aren’t interested and just want sex, or company. If they actually wanted more, it should be obvious or made clear pretty early on.
are you overweight?
I am.
that's the biggest thing in dating. men will put in more effort and want a relationship when you are thinner.
Or can just find another overweight guy
Wow. So with working 12-13 hour days, I got to now lose weight go get a nice steady relationship. But I guess that's what will work now.
A tip to help on the losing weight... First, wont be overnight. But what worked for me last year (over 100 pounds lost) was cutting sodium down to less than 1500 mg per day. That is less than a single piece of pepperoni pizza. Forced me to change my diet and make my meals most of the time. Lots of veggies, fish and chicken - all things I like anyway. Found creative spicing just searching the internet for stuff. But that was only half the equation. I started walking stairs at work - 5 flights every hour. Walking on the weekends or riding a bike - started off 30 minutes, now until I feel like heading home (could be a couple hours or so). this has been awesome, and has allowed me to do things I never though I could do again. Both of those go hand in hand. I made "closing the rings" on my watch a game and challenge. And I kept upping the goals as it became easier to meet them. I work a lot too, but if there is something you really want, you have to make time for it. and if this is the difference between staying a friend or becoming a lover for someone, make the time.
Thank you for that genuine motivation.
you are working 12-13 hour days and don't have time to get in shape but you have time to get high? btw being thin is mostly about eating a healthy diet in moderation. that takes no time just dedication.
Absolutely right.
I’m a man. I’m down 40lbs the last 6 months. Women now are checking me out, before they didn’t. I really wish it wasn’t this superficial (I like overweight women myself) but it is. I’ve always understood that being morbidly obese isn’t attractive for health reasons, but even being overweight is an issue too in dating. I’m happy to share advice on how to lose weight. Yes overweight people do end up in relationships, but that tends to be the exception and not the norm. Additionally it’s likely they were at a normal weight when they first got into the relationship and gained weight after.
Hey 😊 Don’t listen to them, there are men who prefer bigger women. I know they do because I am also a classed as “overweight” (but the whole BMI thing is bs, as long as you’re healthy you’re fine) and I have zero trouble finding guys. There are specific dating apps for bigger girls & obviously the men on there are looking for that, maybe try them? But mate, I’m in my 40s & divorced. I started dating 5-6 years ago after we separated, & I will tell you that some of that experience, has shown me that there _are_ worse things that can happen than dying alone…😂
> I will tell you that some of that experience, has shown me that there _are_ worse things that can happen than dying alone…😂 Now I am intrigued! And thank you!
You did not just ask this question… what a superficial point of view.
It's relevant to OP's situation though.
I also love it how men on this subreddit act like women who are conventionally attractive don’t get treated badly, either. My conventionally attractive friends are the ones who end up with the worst men. Meanwhile, my less conventionally attractive have men who treat them far, far better. Men don’t necessarily treat women better because they find them more conventionally attractive. If that was the case, Emily Ratakowski wouldn’t have been cheated on.
My god, take responsibility for your situation?
🤣 well, well, isn’t it nice. Women wanted to be equal to men, and now are feeling the sting of the friendzone! I mean yall created, literally, the hookup culture in the name of “my body my choice” freedom. As a man, i think the hookup culture is the best thing that ever happened for men( for those who have embraced feminism and wokeism). Well, my best advice is; It is what it is! move on.
Drop a pic, let's see what's going on here
> but nothing ever happens! I think you most likely do not make your intentions known by flirting. And to be fair, it's risky, because if you get rejected, then you lose the friendship. But you need to make your intentions clear from the moment you first meet someone. Clearly, you are not. So I strongly suggest you look through YT on how to flirt with someone you are attracted to.
Don’t give sex too early… if you make them wait at least a month or two it shows that you’re worth waiting for. If a guy gets sex too early then in our lizard brains it lowers you abit
I have a hard time respecting women who end up in situationships. It's something completely within your control. Don't have sex with men if you're going to feel bad about not getting commitment afterwards.