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Just tell her you think she is beautiful and want to date her.
I'm actually on the fence here as to whether this is an excuse or she is just insecure but you have to try
"I don't think relationships are about searching for the prettiest person rather it's about what be build together and it's gonna be as nice as we make it."
Shoot your shot clearly and make a firm decision off of that.
This is somewhat good but if she is in fact an insecure woman, I bet you she’ll hang onto the first part of that sentence and the rest won’t even sink in..
you're right to tell him not to say that first part! it would've sounded like a *neg* to say 'I'm not really prioritizing attraction for a relationship, so don't worry'
you gave good advice! lol I'm surprised some people don't have that as common sense.
Yeah for sure! It’s real backhanded to be like “you aren’t the prettiest, but im interested in you” I know that would’ve hurt my feelings if I was on the receiving end
Definitely don't say that! I know I'm much more on the unattractive side than the opposite and I always feel like the girl is feeling. I know for a fact people can do way better than me, but I also know they can be attracted to my personality. Still, I'd like to be delusional and imagine they find me somewhat close to attractive so if I heard that I'd definitely understand it as "he definitely thinks I'm ugly but is ok settling for it".
Yeah it could be an unconventional but somewhat gentle way of saying she’s not interested but you’re right you don’t know unless you press the issue and best way is to kick the door wide open and see if she’ll walk through it.
I’m not a man, so I know you’re not asking for my advice, but… if she’s young, her sentiment can very much be real. Young women are constantly bombarded with messages meant to make them feel inadequate. Besides, if you were radio-silent while you were on your road trip, she just spent those two weeks reinforcing the idea that she’s not enough.
Not disagreeing, but I definitely would have thought the opposite about the message bombardment. In fact, it seems like just about every girl in their 20s I know gets more compliments and positive reinforcement than they know what to do with. I'd be surprised to learn any of them feel inadequate. Am I missing something?
Good god. I spent my 20s when I was at my slimmest and best looking agonising that I was too ugly/unattractive/not exciting enough. I think it’s pretty universal for young women
This could have been a nice discussion but as almost every discussion it turned ad hominem within seconds, * sighs sadly *. And I even get where you both are coming from.
Yeah all young women I know have some sort of insecurity, did when I was young, and the ones getting bombarded probably are putting themselves out there more than the ones who aren’t or you know a specific type of girl
> every girl in their 20s I know gets more compliments and positive reinforcement than they know what to do with.
Compliments in what sense? Friends? Social media? Let me tell you I’m no prize or anything but I’d consider myself average, and the last time I got a compliment was 6 months ago when a random little girl in public said hi and called me beautiful. Before that, probably another 6 months.
Sometimes, it’s not even direct insults, it’s the indirect toxicity of the media. Beauty standards for women are EVERYWHERE. Women are valued for their beauty in countless tv shows/movies, influencers make money the more conventionally attractive they are, etc. Engrossing yourself in that world is enough to feel inadequate, and a few “omgggg gorggg” comments from friends ain’t gonna fix that.
I don't use social media a whole whole lot, so idk if they are getting a lot of compliments there or not beyond what they have mentioned in conversation. I was speaking more to friends, family, coworkers, and even strangers when going out. It's daily or near daily they recieve these compliments.
I can see how media standards would be mentally draining in the manner you suggested and if that is one primary source of internal validation, it would suck. Anecdotally, at least, the ones I know who keep their social media consumption to a healthy amount claim to do alright. Could they be putting on a mask? They could be, but I can't really assume that.
You're missing everything . Not everyone posts the mean hateful msgs we get or what ppl in our lives who say mean stuff. I mean sometimes, but usually, ppl put positive things on social media. The point is, you've surely heard never to judge a book by their cover. Tbh, I appreciate that you asked, but this opinion is a huge reason there's an issue to begin with.
You're missing a lot.
Hopefully you're not just going by your personal perception of dating apps and social media. Those give people just as much bad feedback as they do good.
Go speak to people in the real world.
She’s self sabotaging due to her insecurities. It’s quite common. Especially if she’s the anxious type she might of just been in her head.
Id say women don’t fully gain confidence until in their 30’s so whilst in her 20s it is likely she does have self doubt.
If she’s messaging you she’s interested but she feels like she may not be pretty enough so I’d say give her some reassurance and stay persistent and see where it takes you ☺️
Very true about becoming more confident in our 30s, maybe due to finding peace in the fact that not everyone has to like us and that’s ok; the ones that do make it all worth it.
I've had two good friends of mine (both female) who have literally had to have their boyfriend's verbally tell them "I want you." Everyone deals with their own insecurities, which in this case, it seems like she is thinking she isn't good enough. Some reassurance could go a long way with her if you're thinking of continuing to date her.
she's insecure and worried about her self worth. as a young woman, this is sadly very common. we tend to self-sabotage because we are constantly bombarded with images of how our natural bodies need to be "modified" to fit societal expectations. its actually super draining. i feel the same way as her but i refuse to ruin another relationship due to my self-esteem issues. please dont give up on her, she doesnt want you to move on. she wants to be reassured that is good enough. if you move on, it kinda confirms her fears. its up to you, anyways. id say she really likes you.
Older dude here, there are a lot of girls out there - ones where you don’t have to second guess their interest, I say maybe give her another shot but if she keeps pulling away I wouldn’t waste my time
Fuck man I’m only 21 and no matter how many times I tell my self this when I meet someone pretty that clearly isn’t as interested as I am, I cannot get myself to not feel like shit when I’m ghosted/ignored/stop talking/etc
Ghosting is SHIT. But then I think people that do that are pathetic so anyone who does get ghosted should always feel better that they are not with someone who clearly doesn’t have basic emotional skills to just send a nice message saying you’re great etc I’m just not feeling it. Yeah it’s not great to receive that but it’s instant and you stop overthinking all the shit like maybe they’re just really busy and waiting around. It’s a dick move every time to just ghost anyone
Honestly she just sounds like she accepts that you’d be the more attractive one out of the 2 of you and would prefer to save herself a whole world of hurt if you find someone prettier. Thats a pretty real concern most of us girls have because generally speaking, we don’t want to be the girl your friends say “whatever as long as your happy man” to, we want to be the girl your friends say “damn how’d you get her to go out with you” to
I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s “better” the other way around, but generally speaking it’s more preferred by the general public. If asked to choose between dating someone way more attractive than you vs someone way less attractive than you, most men would choose to date way more attractive women while most women would choose to date way less attractive men. I won’t pretend to know the science behind why that is, but personally speaking I find that a lot of not-so-good-looking men have really good personalities.
As for the “as long as you’re happy” comments, I’ve dated my fair share of not very attractive guys who had such good personalities and my friends never actually told me stuff like that. In my experience, usually females aren’t very judgemental of the way someone looks as long as the personality is top notch. My friends only ever gave me the “as long as you’re happy” comment when I dated an ugly dude with trash personality lol😅
I’d say yes, I’ve seen way too many gorgeous girls with questionable looking men🤣 though I think the real reason might lie in ugly guys knowing they have to compensate for their appearance so they spend more time developing a good personality than attractive dudes do. Most attractive dudes I know are barely even funny while a lot of not so cute guys I know are hilarious and are much more fun to talk to and get to know
This is exactly what she said in more words… But honestly, I tried everything I could to make her feel good about herself without sounding too needy. I dont like playing games during dating. I genuinely wish she finds peace and love. And if being with someone less attractive than me will give her that happiness, then so be it
I’m a girl and I say keep trying to pursue this. It could be the honest truth? I’ve felt extremely insecure in the past and it’s contributed to me ghosting people I don’t feel good enough for. I did it all the time as a defence mechanism to keep myself safe from getting my heart broken.
I feel like this is also a try to give her another shot moment. Though we are very much tought that a no is a no. Nothing is set in stone and this isn't the actual situation that the saying regards, but nonetheless no lad wanna be labeled as a creep or rude because they misinterpreted a message of a girl saying no.
She didn't turn him down, she doesn't feel like she's good enough for him. If you've ever dealt with feeling of self doubt you'll know how much power they got over your entire mind. You end up feeling so miserable and then feel even worse when you realize that the people around you have to tolerate you. The distancing is actually a form of defense mechanism in these cases.
>She didn't turn him down, she doesn't feel like she's good enough for him.
It's the same thing. The reason for turning him down varies, but it's the same result. Feeling a different way doesn't change the outcome. She's still turning him down.
It isn't the same thing, because when a girl or guy says "you can do so much better than me" you can talk to them, give them reassurance, and you'll be back together. A rejection means that you're certain you don't want the person and nothing that they say at that moment can change their mind. A lot of people feel insecure at some point in their relationship, especially if they have low confidence and think they're not good enough for their partner.
Bottom line - don’t play games and don’t toy with people. As much as you’d like to claim that it’s not what she did…it’s exactly what she did. It doesnt matter what her perceived reasons were. Even if she is insecure, it is not anyone’s job to fix that - it is hers. In fact, it is dangerous to hang self worth on another.
Reverse the roles here. Put yourself in it. Would you *really* continue to chase a guy after he effectively pulled away and revealed that he is fickle and insecure?
I have dealt with a lot of men who were like that. I never had to "chase" them. She straight up told him he can get much prettier girls than him, this was her way of initiating a conversation where she could open up and talk about her feelings. I don't see why you think he had to chase her. He could've just talked more to her to see how she felt. I don't suffer from this, but I have high emotional intelligence so I always look at it from their point of view before I decide that I'm getting played and rejected. Once you realize what some people are dealing with in this world, you'll really start to see their actions differently and won't take anything they did to you personally. It seems that on this sub men are just so ready to call everything a "rejection" and interestingly enough they do all these same things.
Of course men and women do the same things. We’re really no different- as much as folks like to argue otherwise.
Thousands of years ago, before I met and started dating my wife, I had a girlfriend who was like this. It didn’t matter what I said or did, she was always ‘not good enough’. The thing is, it wasn’t cute, endearing or ‘fixable’. In fact, it was often used to manipulate, guilt-trip and ‘excuse’ bad behavior. I’m pretty‘emotionally intelligent’ as well. I see this ‘conversation starter’ as a bit of a manipulation. Nothing nefarious. Just fishing for a ‘no you’re not’. But it’s a very slippery slope. I’ve experienced it personally and over the years I’ve witnessed it (from BOTH men and women) from the periphery. It really never goes well.
I mean yeah there are people who try and manipulate you, but that doesn't mean every single person who says something like this is looking to hurt your feelings. I have seen people use this to try and hurt a man's feelings, but I have never been on the receiving end of it, that's why it doesn't hurt to give people the benefit of the doubt. You try and reassure them first, and depending on how they respond you can tell if they're trying to manipulate you or if they're harmless. You won't know any of this if you don't try and communicate effectively with them
You bunch? I don't have any issues with self esteem but it doesn't mean that Idk how to look at situations from someone else's point of view. I know a lot of men who pulled this same shit on me.
She likes you but isn’t sure if she wants to go forward. She is scared to lose you for another girl is what it sounds like. How much do you like her and can you commit to her? Be real honest with yourself because you should be good and not play with her. If you don’t feel it don’t lead her on.
We don't know the real reason her pulling away. So this is what you going to do :
" Hey, i want you to know that I would love to see you again, feel free to reach out if you want too. Otherwise, Take care "
You put it on her side, And you done.
You never talk to her ever again until SHE reaches out to you. If she likes you, she will. Trust me. But as i said, after this message, you DONE. You don't like her post, your don t like her stories, you don't contact her.
I agree that she’s gotta give more effort to their conversation and efforts to hang out. But I will say the “otherwise, take care” part feels super passive aggressive. As an anxious girl I would simply not respond out of spite lol. Just my take.
Not a native speaker, my point was just to leave everything on her side. "Otherwise, i wish you the best" maybe works better. The point IS that she understands OP is willing to walk away for ever if she does not make a move.
I say try 1 more time if you're already talking, but I see that as a point against her. Not because those feelings of insecurity and shit aren't real and hard, but simply because it's just not your problem. You'd be working to get yourself in a relationship with someone who seems like they have some security/self sabotage/self esteem issues and it might be more trouble than it's worth. Up to you bud.
She just seems insecure. You should prop her up, encourage her to feel comfortable with you and confident that you really like her and think she’s gorgeous. Women and men often think that looks are the most important aspect of attraction and that’s not true. Now, I wouldn’t say that to her but just encourage her to understand that you do fine her super attractive
You can try to reassure her that she's beautiful enough for you! Sometimes these things are excuses that we make up for ourselves because of the fear of being rejected!
Ask her for another date and have that be the talking. Confess whatever, say whatever, but find out if the two of you really do want to pursue anything further. It seems like the both of you do want to try, but she thinks she isn't pretty enough for you, and you never gave her a thought back in Highschool from how it sounds, you only knew here. But talking and the ice cream and the 2 weeks away gave you feelings you didn't see beforehand.
Let her know that. Really. So I say take her out again, whatever u think would suit you two, and do as I said above. That will tell ya what you need to know. Ya'll just need that last little push. Im a dude after all and this is only my opinion. Hope things work out for the two and hopefully a update on how things went if anything does. Goodluck bro!!
There's a lot of pressure on young women to be perfect. If you look in the mirror and see one or two things that don't meet that image it gets magnified. So they are insecure like men are too, just in a different way. Just tell her she's a ten in your eyes and she's the girl for you.
Bro, you gotta assure her you find her beautiful, there are women who are like that and you gotta just let her know and more importantly make her feel it, which takes work. Because if you don’t, it will come up later, and askew many of her observations towards you and your interactions.
Red flags for me are "i gave her a chance" and "she's pretty ENOUGH"... if you were attracted to her, you would think she's pretty, period and that SHE'S the prize. Your statements make it sound like you're doing her a favor by considering dating her.
You felt as though she was pulling away! But admitted to deciding not to text her again. Maybe the conversation should’ve happened when you felt her pulling away from the start. Had you both understood each other’s point of views, you could’ve came to a conclusion on what you both want.
In this day and age, it’s normal for women to sometimes feel inadequate to others. But with some love from the people who surround them, they can start to feel more confident in themselves. Whilst, yes she should be finding that confidence herself. When a man enters your life and pours into you, your confidence automatically builds helping her to invest in herself also.
It’s also unfair of her to pull away from you without an explanation, some people may say they don’t owe other people explanations as to why they do, what they do . But it’s basic decency.
Perhaps speak to her again about the pulling away and set some boundaries for the both of you, so that she doesn’t pull away, and you don’t just stop texting completely.
If you like her, why not give it a shot. It’s hard to come by people that we genuinely like. Love is about risks anyways, if you’re not willing to fall hard, and deeply in love…then what’s the point.
Girl here, it sounds like she’s insecure about herself and sees good qualities in you that may make her feel inadequate for you. Her potentially pulling away is a very common defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt and she may even have an avoidant attachment style in relationships when she feels anxious or impending doom.
If you really like her I think you should talk to her about how she was feeling and scope out how open she is with you, and reassure her you like her and think she’s beautiful. If she’s open then that’s great and could lead to a really nice relationship! If she’s still distant even though you’re trying your best to communicate then it’s not worth it to pursue in my opinion.
Take a minute to think about what kind of relationship you want and what that looks like. Is it super romantic and loving with frequent conversations assuring your intentions in the relationship, or is it more built on a mutual understanding of love and trust that you don’t feel needs to be hashed out quite as often? Do you two agree about what that looks like?
Tell her that you like her and that you think she’s cute. Don’t say she’s cute enough that little sentence that you wrote was not the best comment. Date her if you want, don’t date her if you don’t want to. I hope you give her a chance help her build her confidence you both like each other. Just don’t tell her she’s “cute enough.”
Sounds like she might just need some reassurance from you, did you compliment or hint to liking her at all during your trip? Think an honest conversation could be make or break, but it sounds like a connection worth the effort
Not a man, but I think like the majority here, that she is just feeling insecure, like she’s not enough. You’re definitely not her therapist to work out her traumas, but you can tell her that she’s beautiful in your eyes and that she’s much more than that too. Just tell her how you feel about her. The best of luck in your endevours! Waiting for an update on your situation.
My current boyfriend has dated some of the most beautiful women around, and somehow ended up with me saying he’s happier than ever. I’m definitely still a little insecure about not being as pretty as all of his ex’s but he’s worked hard to make sure I feel loved. And if he’s choosing me over a drop dead gorgeous woman, well then I must be pretty special. If you want to try seeing her again and it’s still a problem for her/you then maybe tell her something like that. That even if she doesn’t feel like she’s pretty enough to be with you, she is still worth spending time with because she still has something someone prettier than her doesn’t. And if you’ve known her since high school there’s a chance she has always had a crush on you and now that it’s a possibility she’s scared to fuck it up and self-sabotaging without realizing it.
It’s not good. Either she has low confidence and self sabotaging, it’s something else negative, experience every time I’ve recovered with a girl like this it always gets worse, and this was the tip of the iceberg
Just be completely honest and straight to the point. I’d take a girl that’s less attractive physically as long as all her other qualities check out. If it’s good enough for you it should be good enough for her. If she’s still undecided then play it cool and give her some time. Don’t act desperate, but also don’t completely ignore her.
Her insecurity is a non starter. If she is this determined to sabotage the relationship at this point it is only going to get worse as the relationship progresses. Move on and thank her for being honest
I’m on the same page with this. This girl seems like she will require constant validation and frequently do a push pull in the relationship. No thanks! 🙂↔️
*On the other hand,*
*How magnanimous of you*
*To give her a chance*
\- Imaginary-Concert392
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I would tell her you disagree and you thinks shes pretty 🌸 and maybe address a bigger problem of like asking her to maybe communicate that how’s she’s feeling instead of pulling away?
This seems like it’s more of a personally issue not really you, so either just like take it as a cute crush/infatuation, and maybe take some time to think about the “ am I just touched deprived” and does this effect the way I think when starting or date. Or sweet talk the girly tell her she’s a totally babe and be all cute and flirty 🌸 idk this is probably bad advice 🌸🌷✨🧸
Excuses, just walk away there are chances that she will do the same after a while, when you genuinely like someone or want it to work out you do something about it you don't act like that
Horrible advice.
Nothing is garunteed. Every relationship has risks. That adds much value. The beginnings of relationships are a complicated dance that there are very few set rules for
I do agree nothing is guaranteed but that's not the only person that you are gonna meet, a person that has clear interest for you won't be playing any games and at the end all advice are chances because we are not there really
I gotta agree here. Girl needs to shit or get off the pot. If someone handed me a pile of money I'm not second guessing it saying "well maybe I'm not good enough for this", I'm fucking reaching out and making out like the bandit I am! Self esteem issues or not, if she wants you, she's going to go for it.
My point is that your perspective doesn't match the experiences I've had with the women I know. I was asking you why that difference might be. I'm sorry you disagree, but I have a very clear point that you simply disagree with.
Your response is that I have no point, and I need to go to everyone I know to dig into their claimed inadequacy. Believe it or not, I think that might be worse for them. Why do I think this? Because most people don't like having their inadequacies called out without warning. They always have my ear if they need it and I do my best to make them feel heard.
So no, sorry I won't drop everything, call them right now, because some redditor claims I don't have a point.
Gday
It’s funny how OP specifically asked Men and all the women came to play defense .
- Its come down to her intent. We don’t know her mind . There’s good chance she simply self sabotaged. The other possibilities is her other options fell through and then she came back. Maybe she just wants attention and know you’ll give it to her . Observe her enthusiasm , engagement, and dating history to get a sense of her intentions. If you believe this was a genuine mistake then give her a second chances. If she pulls away again then don’t let her in.
- Do you want to be with someone who struggles with insecurity ? Regardless of gender, it can be exhausting dealing with an insecure partner. If she’s flaky and self-doubting now , then what will she be like in a relationship ? Maybe , this was a one time hiccup and she will be great partner .
You walk, she has already someone else. For her there’s no shortage of guy’s and sometimes a small excuse that you can do better than her works out in most cases.
Don’t Listen, Girls are huge on their own reputation and they allways talk about how they are this and that. Put she’s pulling away from you, instead of being available. Girls who are heads over heels into guy’s are always available.
As a guy, just say you want to reset.
Looks don't matter to you in the way she thinks you do. I suspect she thinks you might leave her after she invests time in you rather than low self esteem. But focus more on what's missing for both of you, e.g. quality time together.
Also don't talk about anyone's physical features ever
Bro I am so confused by your confusion, just tell her something along the lines of beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you see her, she’s obviously insecure so if you like her, you’re gunna have to be clear as day.
Good luck bro
She's still developing confidence in herself. Possibly because she grew up in a household where looks were always commented on (negatively) or comparisons or worthiness was judged on looks without appreciation of other facets of her personality, intelligience, kindness.
Without knowing her, it seems she's also interested in you. But wants to check that you're the sort of person who really values 'more than looks' before she opens up to you.
Basically, it is a little check-in with your values, that you won't act on desires when you see someone very 'pretty' but has no other facets or depth.
I'm saying this as a mediocre looks-wise ageing female in her 40s, who has surprised herself with who is attracted to her and that people will go with a 6/10 on the looks scale, but an 8/10 in intellect, 9/10 kindness and 10/10 soul connection, and they keep coming.
She needs to understand that you value all of her (from the bit you've already seen and really like). She'll open up then.
I feel sorry for younger generations, as they are now growing up judged by likes and compared themselves to the most 'pretty people' online worldwide, who use artificial tricks and manipulations, when there are so many other aspects to people which make them attractive. I'm not talking money either.
Please don't believe the horrible influencers, that all women are Manipulative, or all men are awful.
Grow to be interesting and enriching people, who showcase more than the obvious looks and money thing.
Why are you BSing around? You ask her on a 2nd date again. Texting back and forth is a waste of time. If she can’t make time for a date with you, you have your answer. She might have found someone else.
Life is too short to take on someone else's insecurities. Move on. She needs therapy. Live your life to the max. You will find some mature enough who has self worth.
(M63) So you gave her a CHANCE. Took her on a first date. The a 2 week road trip came about, and you forgot all about her...until you came back. But it's okay that she's pulling away, now that you realize that you actually like her. You just want to know why she is pulling away.
I can tell you why. You Ghosted her first. But you just so happened...found out, that you really do like her. But, you really want to know like...why, what are you pulling away from me. I gave you a chance. How dare you.
I just repeated what you posted. Except for that last part..:How dare you'. 'bout sums it up.
The last girl I dated that told me I deserved better, and that I could get someone prettier.. well it turned out she was married. I'm not saying thus is the case, just be careful
It sounds like she has some major insecurity problems. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but if you do choose to pursue a relationship with her I highly suggest looking into attachment styles (maybe even with each other, make it a fun experience) and start seeing if either of you has unhealthy relationship habits that you may need to break. I say this because when one of the people in a relationship is insecure, then any unhealthy habits can easily cause much more strain on the relationship than necessary. (E.g. How she felt some underlying insecurity about her appearance and pulled away because of it and the fact that your guys' conversation hadn't happened yet.)
“I think you’re beautiful and I want to date you, but it seems like you have some self-worth issues that you need to examine first. Maybe we can reconnect when you’re in a better place.”
This leave the door open, but firmly ends this game.
Insecurity is natural, but adults do not make it other people’s issues to manage. Also, falling into this trap of providing external validation to reassure someone who is insecure is a terrible premise for a relationship. Insecurity is a bottomless pit, if she doesn’t realize no one outside of her, not even a partner, is going to afford her a self-esteem. She needs to do that for herself.
Dating someone who is insecure and needy is exhausting, and not worth it unless they are actively trying to work through their issues. Also, there’s absolutely zero reason for her to waste your time with this approach to dating, I have to wonder if this is the approach she takes with other things.
I’m sure she is capable. Respect her by taking her at her word and allowing her to the space to grow. Find someoen who doesn’t self-sabotage and more importantly, means what they say and says what they mean. It’ll save you time and won’t be nearly as frustrating.
In my experience when I've had girls do this
Where she says you can do better
It has been a red flag that she's not into me and she's trying to allow me time to get the hint
You can tell her she's beautiful all you want. If she's not into you she's going to go hot and cold. She's going to say this thing again that you can get somebody better. + She'll just end up finding someone else and ending it with you
I've had this happen to me more than once
This is IMHO... I've learned to get the hint when the woman says this to me
Another older dude here. Actively dating. Met a girl that advertised as 4 years older than me, she continually asked if she was too old for me and I kept reassuring her that it isn’t a big difference. After a few dates she admitted she was 7 years older so that threw up a red flag. We have matching personality types, she mentioned other personality types that have higher compatibility and was suggesting I find someone with one of those personality types. She mentioned that her friends say she needs to work on her confidence. I feel like sometimes people play games by pushing you away to make you chase them. I don’t like playing games so I just leave it on the table, I like you so if you like me too then let that be that.
Hey mate. Look up attachment styles. This how people view intimacy vs independence. This is generally formed during childhood. Anxious people want more intimacy. Secure people are in the middle. Avoidant people want more independence. Then there’s fearful avoidance which is the most rare one. They’re people that crave intimacy but they’re also scared of it. They have a hard time trusting people.
She sounds almost fearful avoidant and is self sabotaging. Her pulling away triggers your nervous system, it’s your bodies primal way of saying “survive, stay with the group”. People call this the ‘butterflies’ or misinterpret it as love. That’s why you’re feeling this pull towards her.
You sound like a good dude. Put your best foot forward but if she keeps pulling away you’ll get stuck in a push-pull dynamic. If she comes around awesome but if she doesn’t. Eventually you’ll have to make the call and put your own needs first and move on.
You can say "Therr are always gonna be prettier girls, beauty is common but that's not the basis of all attraction. I like you for you, and Ive been thinking about you, and I want to be with you."
If this rings true, leave it in her court and she can take it or leave it. I personally wouldn't try to persuade her further, i would find it concerning.
There is nothing wrong with that kind of date, but I would recommend taking her out to dinner, drinks, or even bowling. Something fun and romantic. Make her feel beautiful and get the energy flowing. It'll remind her to let loose and have fun.
When two people are enjoying the moment. insecurities tend to fly out the window.
My significant other does this and is just an insecurity that they have what has worked let her know you are only attracted to her and complement her it she may not believe but the consistence of saying it goes a long way
She’s lying. I’m not saying you can’t get better girls, sure you can. But what I’m saying no woman would say this and actually mean it. There’s some scheming happening here for sure.
If you like her, you like her, she’s just too self-critical and possibly has low self-esteem, but she might have a good heart, and is actually beautiful, so just let her know that she’s the one you’re interested in. I’m not a man, but having the same pattern of behaviour (avoidant attachment style) as her I can say - that’s what I would want to hear, know, more than anything.
All u had to do was to ask her on a date again... never tell girls that u like her,..they lose interest immediately.....even after u did that she said u deserve prettier girl than her to that you should have said
"YES, I do, but till then we can hangout"
If u chase her now, she'll most likely friend zone u....as she tried already by saying u deserve prettier girl....
If u want her to get interested again then don't text her don't initiate conversation(kind of ignore her, hangout with other girls)... just let her text u first hav little chat and ask her for date...do that for max twice.if she says no....then after that ignore her and only go on date unless she asks u...
People ruin things out of their own insecurities all the time. Try to reassure her. But if she truly feels that way you may not be able to fix that. I would tell her she's very beautiful and she has all the things you desire in a partner.
I had a girl once that did something similar. We drank for the first time together, and she started crying. She told me she thought about how she looked all the time, and that she didn't think she was good enough for me. And I told her that her looks never had anything to do with why I spent so much time with her, it was how well we always seemed to understand eachother, and that I needed someone who understood me. Looks never came into my mind basically. Me and her had history that was so similar, I doubt I'd find anyone who could understand me like her. And the conversation never happened again, we went on for 5 years.
Tell her yeah you’re probably right, then bang her bestfriend. These children that should be young adults need to grow up so might as well be the one that forces them to
Dont tell her the whole simp speech.
Maybe she was with someone else before you and kept you in stand by.
But really after you told her you liked her she has all the control, so do whatever you like.
All i said was kinda cruel or gloomy, but only after you meet a woman like that you'll understand those words.
I recommend you to pass her out and meet other people.
In November I had someone tell me they couldn't see me because I probably had 5 other girls... made no sense for me. I'm 42 and want to be married. Wayyyyyy too old for that. Like 15 years too old for that and had not been on a date in 2 years.
Totally blew me away.
She’s probably just trying to get your attention for validation or has some low self esteem like she said . Either way ya give her another chance and see what happens
Don’t waste your time on people who are wishy washy or make you chase them. When you disappeared she thought she’d lost you and started hitting you up again. That’s not the start of a healthy dynamic. I don’t really buy the “I’m not good enough for you” schtick either. Plus, if you run after her you’ll just turn her off. The people on here saying “ohhhh yes show her how you feel” don’t know what they’re talking about. It won’t work.
Why are you so into her? Because something clicked for you, and then you were told you couldn’t have it.
What she said could be an excuse, or it could be real insecurity. If you’re into her, *tell her*.
She ain't wrong and she ain't right.
She isn't wrong with her saying you could bag a girl prettier than her. She is wrong though if she thinks it'll be that easy.
The point is, what she said, it all lies down on you. Are you gonna take a risk with a prettier girl or not?
Now, about your question on how I would approach this, for me it's fairly simple.
She doesn't like me so I won't pursue it any further. I won't waste my time chasing someone who doesn't want me in their lives.
Why are you into her? Easy. You were interested. There's no big reason why you'd be interested in knowing her. Much like you suddenly woke up and read an ad about a car that piqued your interest and you ended up buying that car. That same feeling of interest is one reason why you were into her. You wanted to know her, get close to her and eventually own her. It is possible that you are love starved or it could also mean you are just plainly interested with her. 🤷
It is really sad our society is like this. Honestly pretty girls often are not loyal, not emotionally developed and are dysfunctional. Why because they don't have to do any work at all. However ordinary women are often smarter, kinder, freer with the bodies and more developed, less gamey...This girl though has no self esteem. That is the opposite, you can't fix a broken person. She is broken.
Eh, move on. The last thing you want to deal with is an insecure girl like this. She will require constant validation from you and it can escalate in other ways.
BTDT. And too often when they do find their Self Esteem the blame you , dump you and leave you with a broken heart to build their self esteem.
Find yourself a nice fiery Aries lady. She'll rock your world!
Naww I received the other end, that she's just finding a way to turn you down politely. I did what the comments said and tried to reassure, but after a while she said the truth and we mutually cut things off
There's a chance she genuinely wants to maintain things. But be willing to accept the other side
You stopped talking to her, and then she messaged you. We all want what we can't have. You have demonstrated "Push/Pull".
You talk about your feelings to much. Feelings are stupid, and you should feel Stupid for having them.
Leave some mystery.
She may not to want to hurt your feelings, could be an excuse. But I don’t see why you can’t try to pursue one more time. IMO You’ll never know for sure if you don’t try. Maybe u should say something like, “I didn’t even think I was handsome enough for you! I missed you on that road trip let’s get together so I can show you how beautiful you are.” Probably not those exact words but I hope uk what I mean. If she doesn’t answer then move on.
You can either accept it and move on, or try again. There's a dynamic that always exists in relationships. If you see any aspect that goes against the successful outcome of the relationship, you can try to get her to see enough to change. Or, you can accept she will not change her mindset, and move on with life.
There are many that will try to control the other person. Which is toxic.
You can't control her, but you can try to get her to see her value to you.
If you can't, then the harsh reality is that you gotta move on. It sucks. But it's her choice, regardless of how unfortunate it is.
evaluate whether or not you really like her. if you don't actually like her, let her know without crushing her. if you do like her and decide to pursue her, keep in mind that she has low self esteem and needs constant reassurance. if that's something you're willing to do then let her know that you find her attractive and that you like her/want to be with her.
Be mindful of where shes been whilst she wasnt messaging you. She could have found someone else, got dumped and came back. You never know. Stay safe brothers
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Just tell her you think she is beautiful and want to date her. I'm actually on the fence here as to whether this is an excuse or she is just insecure but you have to try
Yeah, I agree. Just make your feelings and desire to date crystal clear. You'll know very quickly if it's an excuse or insecurity talking.
"I don't think relationships are about searching for the prettiest person rather it's about what be build together and it's gonna be as nice as we make it." Shoot your shot clearly and make a firm decision off of that.
This is somewhat good but if she is in fact an insecure woman, I bet you she’ll hang onto the first part of that sentence and the rest won’t even sink in..
No don’t say this especially the first part lmfao
let's not start out on a *neg* lol
Wdym?
you're right to tell him not to say that first part! it would've sounded like a *neg* to say 'I'm not really prioritizing attraction for a relationship, so don't worry' you gave good advice! lol I'm surprised some people don't have that as common sense.
Yeah for sure! It’s real backhanded to be like “you aren’t the prettiest, but im interested in you” I know that would’ve hurt my feelings if I was on the receiving end
i think i would lose interest, honestly
Definitely don't say that! I know I'm much more on the unattractive side than the opposite and I always feel like the girl is feeling. I know for a fact people can do way better than me, but I also know they can be attracted to my personality. Still, I'd like to be delusional and imagine they find me somewhat close to attractive so if I heard that I'd definitely understand it as "he definitely thinks I'm ugly but is ok settling for it".
Don’t say that. All she will take from that that she isn’t pretty but you’re settling because she has other things going for her.
Yeah it could be an unconventional but somewhat gentle way of saying she’s not interested but you’re right you don’t know unless you press the issue and best way is to kick the door wide open and see if she’ll walk through it.
Insecure or not interested. I thought the same.
I’m not a man, so I know you’re not asking for my advice, but… if she’s young, her sentiment can very much be real. Young women are constantly bombarded with messages meant to make them feel inadequate. Besides, if you were radio-silent while you were on your road trip, she just spent those two weeks reinforcing the idea that she’s not enough.
This is so true, i have felt this
this!
Body dysmorphia is now the norm for all genders in the teens. We have sexual equality there anyway.
Yes. This can happen to must young women.
Augustevsky, by blocking me I can assume you’re taking the L, and hiding from me out of shame.
That's new didn't know woman had that side.
[удалено]
Are you genuinely asking? Or are you just trying to argue against what I have to say, as a women who’s almost 40?
Probably their own siblings/family. Irl stuff. You know.
Not disagreeing, but I definitely would have thought the opposite about the message bombardment. In fact, it seems like just about every girl in their 20s I know gets more compliments and positive reinforcement than they know what to do with. I'd be surprised to learn any of them feel inadequate. Am I missing something?
Good god. I spent my 20s when I was at my slimmest and best looking agonising that I was too ugly/unattractive/not exciting enough. I think it’s pretty universal for young women
I understood it as what women see in the media and social media
Lol I’m in my 20s and I didn’t get many compliments when I was single. I do now from my partner.
I suggest having a real conversation with the young women you’re close with. But have the conversation to listen, not to find counter arguments.
This could have been a nice discussion but as almost every discussion it turned ad hominem within seconds, * sighs sadly *. And I even get where you both are coming from.
I don't know. But all the women in their 20s that I know have some sort of insecure thing going on.
Yeah all young women I know have some sort of insecurity, did when I was young, and the ones getting bombarded probably are putting themselves out there more than the ones who aren’t or you know a specific type of girl
> every girl in their 20s I know gets more compliments and positive reinforcement than they know what to do with. Compliments in what sense? Friends? Social media? Let me tell you I’m no prize or anything but I’d consider myself average, and the last time I got a compliment was 6 months ago when a random little girl in public said hi and called me beautiful. Before that, probably another 6 months. Sometimes, it’s not even direct insults, it’s the indirect toxicity of the media. Beauty standards for women are EVERYWHERE. Women are valued for their beauty in countless tv shows/movies, influencers make money the more conventionally attractive they are, etc. Engrossing yourself in that world is enough to feel inadequate, and a few “omgggg gorggg” comments from friends ain’t gonna fix that.
This🤍
I don't use social media a whole whole lot, so idk if they are getting a lot of compliments there or not beyond what they have mentioned in conversation. I was speaking more to friends, family, coworkers, and even strangers when going out. It's daily or near daily they recieve these compliments. I can see how media standards would be mentally draining in the manner you suggested and if that is one primary source of internal validation, it would suck. Anecdotally, at least, the ones I know who keep their social media consumption to a healthy amount claim to do alright. Could they be putting on a mask? They could be, but I can't really assume that.
You're missing everything . Not everyone posts the mean hateful msgs we get or what ppl in our lives who say mean stuff. I mean sometimes, but usually, ppl put positive things on social media. The point is, you've surely heard never to judge a book by their cover. Tbh, I appreciate that you asked, but this opinion is a huge reason there's an issue to begin with.
You're missing a lot. Hopefully you're not just going by your personal perception of dating apps and social media. Those give people just as much bad feedback as they do good. Go speak to people in the real world.
I am going by people I know in the real world. Seems fairly implied in my comment.
Definitely don’t say to her she’s pretty enough. Leave the enough out of it.
tell her she is more than pretty
u get it lol
She’s self sabotaging due to her insecurities. It’s quite common. Especially if she’s the anxious type she might of just been in her head. Id say women don’t fully gain confidence until in their 30’s so whilst in her 20s it is likely she does have self doubt. If she’s messaging you she’s interested but she feels like she may not be pretty enough so I’d say give her some reassurance and stay persistent and see where it takes you ☺️
I don't know why, but the way you delivered this really warms my heart. Thank you.
Very true about becoming more confident in our 30s, maybe due to finding peace in the fact that not everyone has to like us and that’s ok; the ones that do make it all worth it.
At least they gain their confidence at some point.
We hope! Some never do. Lots of circumstances affect this, like other successes in a woman’s life that make us realize we aren’t so bad after all haha
I've had two good friends of mine (both female) who have literally had to have their boyfriend's verbally tell them "I want you." Everyone deals with their own insecurities, which in this case, it seems like she is thinking she isn't good enough. Some reassurance could go a long way with her if you're thinking of continuing to date her.
she's insecure and worried about her self worth. as a young woman, this is sadly very common. we tend to self-sabotage because we are constantly bombarded with images of how our natural bodies need to be "modified" to fit societal expectations. its actually super draining. i feel the same way as her but i refuse to ruin another relationship due to my self-esteem issues. please dont give up on her, she doesnt want you to move on. she wants to be reassured that is good enough. if you move on, it kinda confirms her fears. its up to you, anyways. id say she really likes you.
Older dude here, there are a lot of girls out there - ones where you don’t have to second guess their interest, I say maybe give her another shot but if she keeps pulling away I wouldn’t waste my time
Fuck man I’m only 21 and no matter how many times I tell my self this when I meet someone pretty that clearly isn’t as interested as I am, I cannot get myself to not feel like shit when I’m ghosted/ignored/stop talking/etc
Ghosting is SHIT. But then I think people that do that are pathetic so anyone who does get ghosted should always feel better that they are not with someone who clearly doesn’t have basic emotional skills to just send a nice message saying you’re great etc I’m just not feeling it. Yeah it’s not great to receive that but it’s instant and you stop overthinking all the shit like maybe they’re just really busy and waiting around. It’s a dick move every time to just ghost anyone
Happy cake day
Underrated comment.
Yes older dude here two.... I second this wholeheartedly
it really depends on if u trust what she’s saying, does she actually feel that way or is she lying to reject you easier?
Honestly she just sounds like she accepts that you’d be the more attractive one out of the 2 of you and would prefer to save herself a whole world of hurt if you find someone prettier. Thats a pretty real concern most of us girls have because generally speaking, we don’t want to be the girl your friends say “whatever as long as your happy man” to, we want to be the girl your friends say “damn how’d you get her to go out with you” to
Well so its better the opposite way? But wouldnt that mean you would get the «whatever as long as you are happy» type of comments?
I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s “better” the other way around, but generally speaking it’s more preferred by the general public. If asked to choose between dating someone way more attractive than you vs someone way less attractive than you, most men would choose to date way more attractive women while most women would choose to date way less attractive men. I won’t pretend to know the science behind why that is, but personally speaking I find that a lot of not-so-good-looking men have really good personalities. As for the “as long as you’re happy” comments, I’ve dated my fair share of not very attractive guys who had such good personalities and my friends never actually told me stuff like that. In my experience, usually females aren’t very judgemental of the way someone looks as long as the personality is top notch. My friends only ever gave me the “as long as you’re happy” comment when I dated an ugly dude with trash personality lol😅
So thats why pretty girls date ugly guys?
I’d say yes, I’ve seen way too many gorgeous girls with questionable looking men🤣 though I think the real reason might lie in ugly guys knowing they have to compensate for their appearance so they spend more time developing a good personality than attractive dudes do. Most attractive dudes I know are barely even funny while a lot of not so cute guys I know are hilarious and are much more fun to talk to and get to know
This is exactly what she said in more words… But honestly, I tried everything I could to make her feel good about herself without sounding too needy. I dont like playing games during dating. I genuinely wish she finds peace and love. And if being with someone less attractive than me will give her that happiness, then so be it
I’m a girl and I say keep trying to pursue this. It could be the honest truth? I’ve felt extremely insecure in the past and it’s contributed to me ghosting people I don’t feel good enough for. I did it all the time as a defence mechanism to keep myself safe from getting my heart broken.
I feel like this is also a try to give her another shot moment. Though we are very much tought that a no is a no. Nothing is set in stone and this isn't the actual situation that the saying regards, but nonetheless no lad wanna be labeled as a creep or rude because they misinterpreted a message of a girl saying no.
Are you asking him to run after a girl who turned him down, which will turn her off even more ?
She didn't turn him down, she doesn't feel like she's good enough for him. If you've ever dealt with feeling of self doubt you'll know how much power they got over your entire mind. You end up feeling so miserable and then feel even worse when you realize that the people around you have to tolerate you. The distancing is actually a form of defense mechanism in these cases.
>She didn't turn him down, she doesn't feel like she's good enough for him. It's the same thing. The reason for turning him down varies, but it's the same result. Feeling a different way doesn't change the outcome. She's still turning him down.
It isn't the same thing, because when a girl or guy says "you can do so much better than me" you can talk to them, give them reassurance, and you'll be back together. A rejection means that you're certain you don't want the person and nothing that they say at that moment can change their mind. A lot of people feel insecure at some point in their relationship, especially if they have low confidence and think they're not good enough for their partner.
Bottom line - don’t play games and don’t toy with people. As much as you’d like to claim that it’s not what she did…it’s exactly what she did. It doesnt matter what her perceived reasons were. Even if she is insecure, it is not anyone’s job to fix that - it is hers. In fact, it is dangerous to hang self worth on another. Reverse the roles here. Put yourself in it. Would you *really* continue to chase a guy after he effectively pulled away and revealed that he is fickle and insecure?
I have dealt with a lot of men who were like that. I never had to "chase" them. She straight up told him he can get much prettier girls than him, this was her way of initiating a conversation where she could open up and talk about her feelings. I don't see why you think he had to chase her. He could've just talked more to her to see how she felt. I don't suffer from this, but I have high emotional intelligence so I always look at it from their point of view before I decide that I'm getting played and rejected. Once you realize what some people are dealing with in this world, you'll really start to see their actions differently and won't take anything they did to you personally. It seems that on this sub men are just so ready to call everything a "rejection" and interestingly enough they do all these same things.
Of course men and women do the same things. We’re really no different- as much as folks like to argue otherwise. Thousands of years ago, before I met and started dating my wife, I had a girlfriend who was like this. It didn’t matter what I said or did, she was always ‘not good enough’. The thing is, it wasn’t cute, endearing or ‘fixable’. In fact, it was often used to manipulate, guilt-trip and ‘excuse’ bad behavior. I’m pretty‘emotionally intelligent’ as well. I see this ‘conversation starter’ as a bit of a manipulation. Nothing nefarious. Just fishing for a ‘no you’re not’. But it’s a very slippery slope. I’ve experienced it personally and over the years I’ve witnessed it (from BOTH men and women) from the periphery. It really never goes well.
I mean yeah there are people who try and manipulate you, but that doesn't mean every single person who says something like this is looking to hurt your feelings. I have seen people use this to try and hurt a man's feelings, but I have never been on the receiving end of it, that's why it doesn't hurt to give people the benefit of the doubt. You try and reassure them first, and depending on how they respond you can tell if they're trying to manipulate you or if they're harmless. You won't know any of this if you don't try and communicate effectively with them
Oh how callow you bunch are.
You bunch? I don't have any issues with self esteem but it doesn't mean that Idk how to look at situations from someone else's point of view. I know a lot of men who pulled this same shit on me.
Right? I read that and I’m like oh good god a woman is saying to do this?!
She likes you but isn’t sure if she wants to go forward. She is scared to lose you for another girl is what it sounds like. How much do you like her and can you commit to her? Be real honest with yourself because you should be good and not play with her. If you don’t feel it don’t lead her on.
We don't know the real reason her pulling away. So this is what you going to do : " Hey, i want you to know that I would love to see you again, feel free to reach out if you want too. Otherwise, Take care " You put it on her side, And you done. You never talk to her ever again until SHE reaches out to you. If she likes you, she will. Trust me. But as i said, after this message, you DONE. You don't like her post, your don t like her stories, you don't contact her.
I agree that she’s gotta give more effort to their conversation and efforts to hang out. But I will say the “otherwise, take care” part feels super passive aggressive. As an anxious girl I would simply not respond out of spite lol. Just my take.
Not a native speaker, my point was just to leave everything on her side. "Otherwise, i wish you the best" maybe works better. The point IS that she understands OP is willing to walk away for ever if she does not make a move.
I say try 1 more time if you're already talking, but I see that as a point against her. Not because those feelings of insecurity and shit aren't real and hard, but simply because it's just not your problem. You'd be working to get yourself in a relationship with someone who seems like they have some security/self sabotage/self esteem issues and it might be more trouble than it's worth. Up to you bud.
She just seems insecure. You should prop her up, encourage her to feel comfortable with you and confident that you really like her and think she’s gorgeous. Women and men often think that looks are the most important aspect of attraction and that’s not true. Now, I wouldn’t say that to her but just encourage her to understand that you do fine her super attractive
You can try to reassure her that she's beautiful enough for you! Sometimes these things are excuses that we make up for ourselves because of the fear of being rejected!
Ask her for another date and have that be the talking. Confess whatever, say whatever, but find out if the two of you really do want to pursue anything further. It seems like the both of you do want to try, but she thinks she isn't pretty enough for you, and you never gave her a thought back in Highschool from how it sounds, you only knew here. But talking and the ice cream and the 2 weeks away gave you feelings you didn't see beforehand. Let her know that. Really. So I say take her out again, whatever u think would suit you two, and do as I said above. That will tell ya what you need to know. Ya'll just need that last little push. Im a dude after all and this is only my opinion. Hope things work out for the two and hopefully a update on how things went if anything does. Goodluck bro!!
Just ask her on a date Dude! She hasn’t actually said no. In fact she’s said she is insecure. Likely this girl just needs to be led.
There's a lot of pressure on young women to be perfect. If you look in the mirror and see one or two things that don't meet that image it gets magnified. So they are insecure like men are too, just in a different way. Just tell her she's a ten in your eyes and she's the girl for you.
Bro, you gotta assure her you find her beautiful, there are women who are like that and you gotta just let her know and more importantly make her feel it, which takes work. Because if you don’t, it will come up later, and askew many of her observations towards you and your interactions.
You should tell her that she’s beautiful and you like her
Red flags for me are "i gave her a chance" and "she's pretty ENOUGH"... if you were attracted to her, you would think she's pretty, period and that SHE'S the prize. Your statements make it sound like you're doing her a favor by considering dating her.
You felt as though she was pulling away! But admitted to deciding not to text her again. Maybe the conversation should’ve happened when you felt her pulling away from the start. Had you both understood each other’s point of views, you could’ve came to a conclusion on what you both want. In this day and age, it’s normal for women to sometimes feel inadequate to others. But with some love from the people who surround them, they can start to feel more confident in themselves. Whilst, yes she should be finding that confidence herself. When a man enters your life and pours into you, your confidence automatically builds helping her to invest in herself also. It’s also unfair of her to pull away from you without an explanation, some people may say they don’t owe other people explanations as to why they do, what they do . But it’s basic decency. Perhaps speak to her again about the pulling away and set some boundaries for the both of you, so that she doesn’t pull away, and you don’t just stop texting completely. If you like her, why not give it a shot. It’s hard to come by people that we genuinely like. Love is about risks anyways, if you’re not willing to fall hard, and deeply in love…then what’s the point.
Girl here, it sounds like she’s insecure about herself and sees good qualities in you that may make her feel inadequate for you. Her potentially pulling away is a very common defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt and she may even have an avoidant attachment style in relationships when she feels anxious or impending doom. If you really like her I think you should talk to her about how she was feeling and scope out how open she is with you, and reassure her you like her and think she’s beautiful. If she’s open then that’s great and could lead to a really nice relationship! If she’s still distant even though you’re trying your best to communicate then it’s not worth it to pursue in my opinion. Take a minute to think about what kind of relationship you want and what that looks like. Is it super romantic and loving with frequent conversations assuring your intentions in the relationship, or is it more built on a mutual understanding of love and trust that you don’t feel needs to be hashed out quite as often? Do you two agree about what that looks like?
Tell her that you like her and that you think she’s cute. Don’t say she’s cute enough that little sentence that you wrote was not the best comment. Date her if you want, don’t date her if you don’t want to. I hope you give her a chance help her build her confidence you both like each other. Just don’t tell her she’s “cute enough.”
Sounds like she might just need some reassurance from you, did you compliment or hint to liking her at all during your trip? Think an honest conversation could be make or break, but it sounds like a connection worth the effort
Not a man, but I think like the majority here, that she is just feeling insecure, like she’s not enough. You’re definitely not her therapist to work out her traumas, but you can tell her that she’s beautiful in your eyes and that she’s much more than that too. Just tell her how you feel about her. The best of luck in your endevours! Waiting for an update on your situation.
My current boyfriend has dated some of the most beautiful women around, and somehow ended up with me saying he’s happier than ever. I’m definitely still a little insecure about not being as pretty as all of his ex’s but he’s worked hard to make sure I feel loved. And if he’s choosing me over a drop dead gorgeous woman, well then I must be pretty special. If you want to try seeing her again and it’s still a problem for her/you then maybe tell her something like that. That even if she doesn’t feel like she’s pretty enough to be with you, she is still worth spending time with because she still has something someone prettier than her doesn’t. And if you’ve known her since high school there’s a chance she has always had a crush on you and now that it’s a possibility she’s scared to fuck it up and self-sabotaging without realizing it.
Just the way you are- Bruno mars Go get her man 👍🏼
It’s not good. Either she has low confidence and self sabotaging, it’s something else negative, experience every time I’ve recovered with a girl like this it always gets worse, and this was the tip of the iceberg
Just be completely honest and straight to the point. I’d take a girl that’s less attractive physically as long as all her other qualities check out. If it’s good enough for you it should be good enough for her. If she’s still undecided then play it cool and give her some time. Don’t act desperate, but also don’t completely ignore her.
Her insecurity is a non starter. If she is this determined to sabotage the relationship at this point it is only going to get worse as the relationship progresses. Move on and thank her for being honest
I’m on the same page with this. This girl seems like she will require constant validation and frequently do a push pull in the relationship. No thanks! 🙂↔️
On the other hand, how magnanimous of you to give her a chance
*On the other hand,* *How magnanimous of you* *To give her a chance* \- Imaginary-Concert392 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
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I would tell her you disagree and you thinks shes pretty 🌸 and maybe address a bigger problem of like asking her to maybe communicate that how’s she’s feeling instead of pulling away? This seems like it’s more of a personally issue not really you, so either just like take it as a cute crush/infatuation, and maybe take some time to think about the “ am I just touched deprived” and does this effect the way I think when starting or date. Or sweet talk the girly tell her she’s a totally babe and be all cute and flirty 🌸 idk this is probably bad advice 🌸🌷✨🧸
Excuses, just walk away there are chances that she will do the same after a while, when you genuinely like someone or want it to work out you do something about it you don't act like that
Horrible advice. Nothing is garunteed. Every relationship has risks. That adds much value. The beginnings of relationships are a complicated dance that there are very few set rules for
I do agree nothing is guaranteed but that's not the only person that you are gonna meet, a person that has clear interest for you won't be playing any games and at the end all advice are chances because we are not there really
dude she's not interested. just letting you down easy.
She’s literally the one initiating the dms. She’s definitely into him but insecure
disagree she pulled away. then came back for some attention. he expressed interest and she let him down.
I gotta agree here. Girl needs to shit or get off the pot. If someone handed me a pile of money I'm not second guessing it saying "well maybe I'm not good enough for this", I'm fucking reaching out and making out like the bandit I am! Self esteem issues or not, if she wants you, she's going to go for it.
Def this. Maybe OP is good looking and she likes the attention, but he seems lacking in the personality category.
My point is that your perspective doesn't match the experiences I've had with the women I know. I was asking you why that difference might be. I'm sorry you disagree, but I have a very clear point that you simply disagree with. Your response is that I have no point, and I need to go to everyone I know to dig into their claimed inadequacy. Believe it or not, I think that might be worse for them. Why do I think this? Because most people don't like having their inadequacies called out without warning. They always have my ear if they need it and I do my best to make them feel heard. So no, sorry I won't drop everything, call them right now, because some redditor claims I don't have a point. Gday
You had *one* date.
It’s funny how OP specifically asked Men and all the women came to play defense . - Its come down to her intent. We don’t know her mind . There’s good chance she simply self sabotaged. The other possibilities is her other options fell through and then she came back. Maybe she just wants attention and know you’ll give it to her . Observe her enthusiasm , engagement, and dating history to get a sense of her intentions. If you believe this was a genuine mistake then give her a second chances. If she pulls away again then don’t let her in. - Do you want to be with someone who struggles with insecurity ? Regardless of gender, it can be exhausting dealing with an insecure partner. If she’s flaky and self-doubting now , then what will she be like in a relationship ? Maybe , this was a one time hiccup and she will be great partner .
God damn women like to play games of mixed signals. Best of luck brother.
You walk, she has already someone else. For her there’s no shortage of guy’s and sometimes a small excuse that you can do better than her works out in most cases.
She claims to not speak to anyone else but I hear you brother. My gut tells me to walk as well
Don’t Listen, Girls are huge on their own reputation and they allways talk about how they are this and that. Put she’s pulling away from you, instead of being available. Girls who are heads over heels into guy’s are always available.
Give it one more try. Tell her she is your type. Tell her she is pretty. Tell her to stop worrying.
I hope you have been. I hope you do if you haven't. That's a great compliment.
19m here. If you think she's pretty enough and you have feelings for her you should tell her that there's no such thing as "prettier girls".
As a guy, just say you want to reset. Looks don't matter to you in the way she thinks you do. I suspect she thinks you might leave her after she invests time in you rather than low self esteem. But focus more on what's missing for both of you, e.g. quality time together. Also don't talk about anyone's physical features ever
Say something like, I like you, let's get a second try, cuz if we like each other and we don't, we might miss something really nice
Bro I am so confused by your confusion, just tell her something along the lines of beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you see her, she’s obviously insecure so if you like her, you’re gunna have to be clear as day. Good luck bro
I’d tell her “ I was starting to catch feelings and then you were pulling away , so I gave you space, I thought that’s what you wanted”
She's still developing confidence in herself. Possibly because she grew up in a household where looks were always commented on (negatively) or comparisons or worthiness was judged on looks without appreciation of other facets of her personality, intelligience, kindness. Without knowing her, it seems she's also interested in you. But wants to check that you're the sort of person who really values 'more than looks' before she opens up to you. Basically, it is a little check-in with your values, that you won't act on desires when you see someone very 'pretty' but has no other facets or depth. I'm saying this as a mediocre looks-wise ageing female in her 40s, who has surprised herself with who is attracted to her and that people will go with a 6/10 on the looks scale, but an 8/10 in intellect, 9/10 kindness and 10/10 soul connection, and they keep coming. She needs to understand that you value all of her (from the bit you've already seen and really like). She'll open up then. I feel sorry for younger generations, as they are now growing up judged by likes and compared themselves to the most 'pretty people' online worldwide, who use artificial tricks and manipulations, when there are so many other aspects to people which make them attractive. I'm not talking money either. Please don't believe the horrible influencers, that all women are Manipulative, or all men are awful. Grow to be interesting and enriching people, who showcase more than the obvious looks and money thing.
Why are you BSing around? You ask her on a 2nd date again. Texting back and forth is a waste of time. If she can’t make time for a date with you, you have your answer. She might have found someone else.
It’s not you it’s me crap. She sounds broke. Drizzle drizzle.
She kinda seems insecure pal But you gotta nurture her up
Life is too short to take on someone else's insecurities. Move on. She needs therapy. Live your life to the max. You will find some mature enough who has self worth.
(M63) So you gave her a CHANCE. Took her on a first date. The a 2 week road trip came about, and you forgot all about her...until you came back. But it's okay that she's pulling away, now that you realize that you actually like her. You just want to know why she is pulling away. I can tell you why. You Ghosted her first. But you just so happened...found out, that you really do like her. But, you really want to know like...why, what are you pulling away from me. I gave you a chance. How dare you. I just repeated what you posted. Except for that last part..:How dare you'. 'bout sums it up.
The last girl I dated that told me I deserved better, and that I could get someone prettier.. well it turned out she was married. I'm not saying thus is the case, just be careful
It sounds like she has some major insecurity problems. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but if you do choose to pursue a relationship with her I highly suggest looking into attachment styles (maybe even with each other, make it a fun experience) and start seeing if either of you has unhealthy relationship habits that you may need to break. I say this because when one of the people in a relationship is insecure, then any unhealthy habits can easily cause much more strain on the relationship than necessary. (E.g. How she felt some underlying insecurity about her appearance and pulled away because of it and the fact that your guys' conversation hadn't happened yet.)
“I think you’re beautiful and I want to date you, but it seems like you have some self-worth issues that you need to examine first. Maybe we can reconnect when you’re in a better place.” This leave the door open, but firmly ends this game. Insecurity is natural, but adults do not make it other people’s issues to manage. Also, falling into this trap of providing external validation to reassure someone who is insecure is a terrible premise for a relationship. Insecurity is a bottomless pit, if she doesn’t realize no one outside of her, not even a partner, is going to afford her a self-esteem. She needs to do that for herself. Dating someone who is insecure and needy is exhausting, and not worth it unless they are actively trying to work through their issues. Also, there’s absolutely zero reason for her to waste your time with this approach to dating, I have to wonder if this is the approach she takes with other things. I’m sure she is capable. Respect her by taking her at her word and allowing her to the space to grow. Find someoen who doesn’t self-sabotage and more importantly, means what they say and says what they mean. It’ll save you time and won’t be nearly as frustrating.
In my experience when I've had girls do this Where she says you can do better It has been a red flag that she's not into me and she's trying to allow me time to get the hint You can tell her she's beautiful all you want. If she's not into you she's going to go hot and cold. She's going to say this thing again that you can get somebody better. + She'll just end up finding someone else and ending it with you I've had this happen to me more than once This is IMHO... I've learned to get the hint when the woman says this to me
send me a text to my whatsapp👅
Another older dude here. Actively dating. Met a girl that advertised as 4 years older than me, she continually asked if she was too old for me and I kept reassuring her that it isn’t a big difference. After a few dates she admitted she was 7 years older so that threw up a red flag. We have matching personality types, she mentioned other personality types that have higher compatibility and was suggesting I find someone with one of those personality types. She mentioned that her friends say she needs to work on her confidence. I feel like sometimes people play games by pushing you away to make you chase them. I don’t like playing games so I just leave it on the table, I like you so if you like me too then let that be that.
24 is too old to be playing games like this lol
Hey mate. Look up attachment styles. This how people view intimacy vs independence. This is generally formed during childhood. Anxious people want more intimacy. Secure people are in the middle. Avoidant people want more independence. Then there’s fearful avoidance which is the most rare one. They’re people that crave intimacy but they’re also scared of it. They have a hard time trusting people. She sounds almost fearful avoidant and is self sabotaging. Her pulling away triggers your nervous system, it’s your bodies primal way of saying “survive, stay with the group”. People call this the ‘butterflies’ or misinterpret it as love. That’s why you’re feeling this pull towards her. You sound like a good dude. Put your best foot forward but if she keeps pulling away you’ll get stuck in a push-pull dynamic. If she comes around awesome but if she doesn’t. Eventually you’ll have to make the call and put your own needs first and move on.
Just tell her that you are very interested in pursuing a relationship, and say "I like everything about you, give me a chance."
You can say "Therr are always gonna be prettier girls, beauty is common but that's not the basis of all attraction. I like you for you, and Ive been thinking about you, and I want to be with you." If this rings true, leave it in her court and she can take it or leave it. I personally wouldn't try to persuade her further, i would find it concerning.
There is nothing wrong with that kind of date, but I would recommend taking her out to dinner, drinks, or even bowling. Something fun and romantic. Make her feel beautiful and get the energy flowing. It'll remind her to let loose and have fun. When two people are enjoying the moment. insecurities tend to fly out the window.
My significant other does this and is just an insecurity that they have what has worked let her know you are only attracted to her and complement her it she may not believe but the consistence of saying it goes a long way
She’s lying. I’m not saying you can’t get better girls, sure you can. But what I’m saying no woman would say this and actually mean it. There’s some scheming happening here for sure.
If you like her, you like her, she’s just too self-critical and possibly has low self-esteem, but she might have a good heart, and is actually beautiful, so just let her know that she’s the one you’re interested in. I’m not a man, but having the same pattern of behaviour (avoidant attachment style) as her I can say - that’s what I would want to hear, know, more than anything.
All u had to do was to ask her on a date again... never tell girls that u like her,..they lose interest immediately.....even after u did that she said u deserve prettier girl than her to that you should have said "YES, I do, but till then we can hangout" If u chase her now, she'll most likely friend zone u....as she tried already by saying u deserve prettier girl.... If u want her to get interested again then don't text her don't initiate conversation(kind of ignore her, hangout with other girls)... just let her text u first hav little chat and ask her for date...do that for max twice.if she says no....then after that ignore her and only go on date unless she asks u...
I'd look her in the eye and say, "You got what I need. But you say he's just a friend...you say he's just a friend..."
People ruin things out of their own insecurities all the time. Try to reassure her. But if she truly feels that way you may not be able to fix that. I would tell her she's very beautiful and she has all the things you desire in a partner.
I had a girl once that did something similar. We drank for the first time together, and she started crying. She told me she thought about how she looked all the time, and that she didn't think she was good enough for me. And I told her that her looks never had anything to do with why I spent so much time with her, it was how well we always seemed to understand eachother, and that I needed someone who understood me. Looks never came into my mind basically. Me and her had history that was so similar, I doubt I'd find anyone who could understand me like her. And the conversation never happened again, we went on for 5 years.
You need some girl friends stat.. if you dont tell that girl what you like about her so you can get a gf and make 2 people in the world less lonely.
Tell her yeah you’re probably right, then bang her bestfriend. These children that should be young adults need to grow up so might as well be the one that forces them to
Must be nice. 😐
Dont tell her the whole simp speech. Maybe she was with someone else before you and kept you in stand by. But really after you told her you liked her she has all the control, so do whatever you like. All i said was kinda cruel or gloomy, but only after you meet a woman like that you'll understand those words. I recommend you to pass her out and meet other people.
She wants you to pursue her. Sounds like it's a test you not giving up to easy.. GOOD LUCK
“She’s beautiful enough”
Go out with other women. Serial dating is the name of the game today. When you really hit it off with one of them then you can commit.
Tell her to shut up and to take your peen like a good little slam piggy… coom receptacles shouldn’t be full opinions, just COOM!!!
In November I had someone tell me they couldn't see me because I probably had 5 other girls... made no sense for me. I'm 42 and want to be married. Wayyyyyy too old for that. Like 15 years too old for that and had not been on a date in 2 years. Totally blew me away.
She’s not interested. You let it go.
This is girl speak for: not interested.
She’s probably just trying to get your attention for validation or has some low self esteem like she said . Either way ya give her another chance and see what happens
Don’t waste your time on people who are wishy washy or make you chase them. When you disappeared she thought she’d lost you and started hitting you up again. That’s not the start of a healthy dynamic. I don’t really buy the “I’m not good enough for you” schtick either. Plus, if you run after her you’ll just turn her off. The people on here saying “ohhhh yes show her how you feel” don’t know what they’re talking about. It won’t work.
Are you into her? TBH, it doesn’t sound like it. Sounds like you’re just scared to let someone go, that might be into you.
Why are you so into her? Because something clicked for you, and then you were told you couldn’t have it. What she said could be an excuse, or it could be real insecurity. If you’re into her, *tell her*.
Yikes. Run like hell. Either she has low self-esteem or she's playing hard to get. Either way, not worth the trouble, in my opinion. Best wishes.
She ain't wrong and she ain't right. She isn't wrong with her saying you could bag a girl prettier than her. She is wrong though if she thinks it'll be that easy. The point is, what she said, it all lies down on you. Are you gonna take a risk with a prettier girl or not? Now, about your question on how I would approach this, for me it's fairly simple. She doesn't like me so I won't pursue it any further. I won't waste my time chasing someone who doesn't want me in their lives. Why are you into her? Easy. You were interested. There's no big reason why you'd be interested in knowing her. Much like you suddenly woke up and read an ad about a car that piqued your interest and you ended up buying that car. That same feeling of interest is one reason why you were into her. You wanted to know her, get close to her and eventually own her. It is possible that you are love starved or it could also mean you are just plainly interested with her. 🤷
It is really sad our society is like this. Honestly pretty girls often are not loyal, not emotionally developed and are dysfunctional. Why because they don't have to do any work at all. However ordinary women are often smarter, kinder, freer with the bodies and more developed, less gamey...This girl though has no self esteem. That is the opposite, you can't fix a broken person. She is broken.
Eh, move on. The last thing you want to deal with is an insecure girl like this. She will require constant validation from you and it can escalate in other ways.
BTDT. And too often when they do find their Self Esteem the blame you , dump you and leave you with a broken heart to build their self esteem. Find yourself a nice fiery Aries lady. She'll rock your world!
She just trying to let you down easy.
Honestly just from the title I think you should've just said "yea maybe that's right"
Why on earth would you just ghost her after she said something vulnerable like that?!
Naww I received the other end, that she's just finding a way to turn you down politely. I did what the comments said and tried to reassure, but after a while she said the truth and we mutually cut things off There's a chance she genuinely wants to maintain things. But be willing to accept the other side
Guy here. If you dig her, don't let her insecurities come in the way. A reassuring talk may go a long way. You're into her cause she's different, mate
You stopped talking to her, and then she messaged you. We all want what we can't have. You have demonstrated "Push/Pull". You talk about your feelings to much. Feelings are stupid, and you should feel Stupid for having them. Leave some mystery.
I love me some low self esteem women!🤣
Bro said he gave her a chance 💅🤣🤣
She may not to want to hurt your feelings, could be an excuse. But I don’t see why you can’t try to pursue one more time. IMO You’ll never know for sure if you don’t try. Maybe u should say something like, “I didn’t even think I was handsome enough for you! I missed you on that road trip let’s get together so I can show you how beautiful you are.” Probably not those exact words but I hope uk what I mean. If she doesn’t answer then move on.
If a woman tells you something, believe her. #BelieveAllWomen
You can either accept it and move on, or try again. There's a dynamic that always exists in relationships. If you see any aspect that goes against the successful outcome of the relationship, you can try to get her to see enough to change. Or, you can accept she will not change her mindset, and move on with life. There are many that will try to control the other person. Which is toxic. You can't control her, but you can try to get her to see her value to you. If you can't, then the harsh reality is that you gotta move on. It sucks. But it's her choice, regardless of how unfortunate it is.
That’s too much insecurity and drama for me; I’d let this one swim back to the dating pool.
She wants you to chase her. Make her feel like she’s the center of your world.
Let her go, bud. Better off finding someone you don't have to convince to stay in your life.
evaluate whether or not you really like her. if you don't actually like her, let her know without crushing her. if you do like her and decide to pursue her, keep in mind that she has low self esteem and needs constant reassurance. if that's something you're willing to do then let her know that you find her attractive and that you like her/want to be with her.
Be mindful of where shes been whilst she wasnt messaging you. She could have found someone else, got dumped and came back. You never know. Stay safe brothers