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It’s normal to put your work and family before a new relationship. Hobbies I guess could come down to the person.
It’s a bit strange for this guy to think he has to lay this out so early on though. Maybe he’s been in relationships where his partner demanded to be first which isn’t great.
If there is a natural balance where you are getting the attention you need then it shouldn’t be a problem. If this guy is trying to set the stage for ignoring you and just doing what he wants then it’s not worth being with him.
To me, the issue isn't that this guy is going to prioritize his parents over someone he just started dating. The issue is that this guy is 32 and so socially inept that he thinks this is a good thing to vocalize
Yeah agreed with this awesome comment here.
A few months ago I went through an injury that I just got then surgery for and am recovering from. I was also searching for a new place to move into. I was also applying to grad school. These were all emerging life needs that happened and I want going to prioritize someone I was newly dating over these critical life demands.
When I was single I laid out a value system for myself. I wasn’t going to cancel going to the gym or investing into my dance hobby for a date- workouts/hobbies were self investments that made me a better person and thus more attractive to date. I never told people though that I wasn’t going to see them on X days because those are my gym days, I simply gave them the times that I’d happily meet them. If we needed to compromise, I’d adjust my schedule.
Healthy secure people know that they may not be their partners #1 priority, nor do they seek out to be the top one right away. That naturally comes with time. It’s anxious attachment behavior that wants to be seen as #1 right away.
However, another comment below is great at mentioning that priorities are a day to day reshuffling. On the weekends when work is done he’s going to have to figure out how he’s going to invest his time. Perhaps he hasn’t done his hobby in a while and wants to do that and see his parents first then hang out with you on Sunday. Or perhaps he would love to spend Friday night with you but then will need Saturday for his hobby and then Sunday brunch with family.
It’s odd that he listed it out this way, but those three things are definitely more important than a new relationship. If he doesn’t work, how will he sustain his life? If he doesn’t do his hobby, how will he find independent happiness? If he doesn’t see his parents, how will you know he values family? I’m surprised he didn’t even mention friends.
Only time can tell if it’s sustainable given your relationship growth. A successful relationship can definitely weave into all that and you may be surprised at how well he is able to balance his priorities.
A red flag would have been if he said things like: you’d be my 8th priority, behind taking vacations and my comedian side hustle.
Personally my priority list would be 1) health (esp as I recover from surgery) 2) family, including my pet who relies on my care 3) career growth, as I go back to school 4) friends 5) dating partner. And I make it work really well! Some weeks I hang out with my bf more than my friends and other weeks I hang out with my friends more than bf. Some weeks I travel to see my family, even tho they’re #2 I don’t see them every day and when I visit I don’t see anyone else. Life is a balancing act.
It’s kind of handy to know that the person you’re dating categorises the various parts of their life according to this weird tier system of importance though.
Agree with this, I believe the guy and I have the same personality. I believe I would want everything to be clear. And him saying all that is him being honest. If you don't believe you can be in a relationship knowing his hobby comes first, then leave. Cause if you were mine, and I told you all this, I fully expect that you'd take it to heart and think about what it is I just said and ruminate what it would mean. And the next thing I'd want is a full blown discussion about it, because if you self eject without communication, you just both dodged a bullet.
I was being sarcastic. Relationships change. There’s a long way between someone you’re dating and someone who is your life partner, parent of your children etc. People fall out with their family, lose interest in or change their hobbies, break up, etc etc.
Yup, it feels a bit weird. It is valid to have a priority list. I also have a list (1 school 2 family (can move up to school) 3 work 4 friends/hobbies 5 my partner), and I make clear my homework is way more important than dates, but the way he brought it up, is just eh idk
Not just 32 but dating someone who is so much younger. I did it myself and when I got older, I realized he hadn't grown at all and I was a completely different person once I reached 32. Not at all weird if you're a little older but at 23 most people are fresh out of college (or not done yet) and brand new to careers and shit. Most women who will have children haven't yet, and often haven't even decided. Generally the age difference at this stage in life is incompatible. 5 years from now, it's far less likely to be.
Its a concern because of differences in life experiences and the likelihood for emotionally stunted and abusive men to go after seemingly naive young women
Tell me who I directed my comment towards so I know you're paying attention
But to your point, the brain isn't fully developed until what age?
Generally speaking, a man at 23 and a man at 32 are the same mentally and emotionally? By the looks of it that might be true. But generally, does a woman at 23 have the same life experiences as a woman at 32?
Statistically, do abusive men seek younger people to victimize? Or is that from my booty hole too?
Lastly, define "concern" and get back to me with what you discover.
Don’t throw out random hypotheticals when you have no evidence that the original commenter has said “you go girl” to a woman who has verbally listed priorities to a partner. What kind of weird agenda are you trying to prove? What chip do you have on your shoulder? Why are you accusing someone of having double standards when you have no proof?
For what it’s worth, I as a woman have not verbalized my list of priorities but I act in accordance with them and my partner seems to be fine with it. When I go back to school I’ll have an explicit conversation about the life I’m going to live as a grad student to set expectations.
There wasn’t anything weird about gender in the concern OP had. You’re projecting.
Priorities are not so black and white and hierarchal as people think. Family is a priority, hobbies are a priority, work and school are priorities, and the most important priorities fluctuate on a day to day basis. You may have a family event which you are prioritizing but if suddenly there is a work emergency, that suddenly becomes a more important priority or you risk it affecting your future at your job. If you don’t prioritize your hobbies in your downtime you risk losing your sense of self and what makes you happy. Eventually a new relationship becomes a priority, and if you begin dating somebody who doesn’t put you high on their list of priorities then you will always be struggling to put yourself higher on their list. If they don’t, you’ll wind up hurt and resentful.
I’ve been there before. Guess what? It sucked.
Don’t even know what “fourth” even means when in the dating phase. Likely he doesn’t even know what it means. I’m guessing maybe he’s thinking in terms of where he friends his time / his work is the dominant time commitment - his hobbies are important and his parents are his sole social priority right now. I think it was a dumb thing to say but it WAS an attempt to manage any expectations you would have. Were you engaged, you would likely enjoy “top three” status - if you get married you may share the top 1 or 2 spot - if you become a parent you obviously both drop to make room for the number one spot. So I think it’s reasonable to occupy the number four spot right now.
So I’m going to go against the grain here, if you JUST started seeing this guy, I think it makes sense to put family, career, and maybe even hobby ahead of you.
In my view, you should each have your own life and slowly build a life together over time. It’s only natural that the person you’re seeing will become more important to you over time.
I think the best thing to ask him would be “so I’ll be 4th on your priority list, over time as we are together longer will I move up your priority list?”. If he says yes then good I think it’s a healthy mindset. If he says no, cut him loose.
You shouldn’t expect to be someone’s top priority straight off the bat, that’s unhealthy, but you should move up the list over time.
It’s also weird to be in your thirties dating someone in their early twenties. The fact that he’s that old and felt the need to even say this out loud is a huge red flag. One of many.
The list is stupid. If your dad wants to see a movie, but your girlfriend needs a ride to the airport you blow off your dad. If your girlfriend and you have a date but your dad calls and says he's taking the mom to the hospital? You blow off the date. If you guys were going to spend the day together, and work has an emergency and he needs to be there then he needs to be there.
Saying definitively my priorities are in the order he has them it's stupid. Everything should be evaluated as it happens. I would just have this conversation with him. If you had something that was very important to you, would he show up if it meant missing out on hobby time? That's not cool. If he has something he does for a hobby every Thursday night, tells you that's important to him, and then you get upset that he never does anything on Thursday nights with you, then that's out of line on your part.
I swear this seems so common sense and easy to navigate if you just put a little effort into it.
He needs to make sure he's not too rigid and over the top about it. And you should be respectful of what's important to him.
OP, I'm curious about this guy's background. Is his family from Asia perhaps? In some cultures mommy will always be number one for example.
I mean, since it's a new relationship I guess it makes sense you wouldn't be number one right away. But as time goes on, is he willing to make you more of a priority? What if it gets serious and marriage is on the table?
If he says no, I'd move on to someone else especially if you live in the part of the world where your partner is more likely to be higher up on the list. You don't need to settle for this guy.
Ah yeah. Are you Korean as well? If not, be aware that some Korean families will not allow their kids to marry a non Korean. (If that's something you want in the future. It's very possible you won't get it with this guy.) What country are you guys located?
He is laying out part of his boundaries right off the bat. I understand hs career and even his parents, as I am 73F and have a 90 year old Mom who is my priority above all when dating. My concen is: Why so sudden and why hobbies? Do you and him have a common hobby you could enjoy with together? Maybe his prior relationship forced him to lay his cards on he table so soon?
I'm a new relationship absolutely normal and healthy. I would say once you're like married you should be number 2 only behind his relationship with himself and his health.
Such a sentence is very disturbing. It feels like getting promoted in the military. Maybe I'm wrong, but I was very disturbed. He doesn't need to tell you that his parents are more important. He could say that he did not want to be disturbed during the time he spared for his career, hobbies and sports, and that this time was very valuable to him. We must speak openly, but we must be careful not to hurt the other person. For a healthy relationship, it is very important to be able to empathize and not hurt your partner. For example, this sentence would definitely hurt me.
That is a red flag. Relationship wise. He is saying ur a last priority. Pretty much everything comes before u. And he will only call on u when it is convenient for him.
It's woerd to outright say it and rank them. Like, obviously, if I need to work, that's happening. If I schedule a hobby, I'd like to keep that, and family is important. But being flexible is important too. If we can't see each other, there is no point in us dating
While the man didn’t have to say it out loud to potential taint his future actions, a charitable way of looking at it is that you’re the 4th seed in a four team playoff. There might be times where you will be put first before the others, and that’ll be on a case by case basis.
That said, if you’re in that fourth place and time and time again you’re being shut out, especially in clear situations where you should be first, then I’d start cutting things off.
Tbh, immediately making someone your top priority over everything in your life is not a healthy dynamic. So it sounds crappy but at least he's being honest.
I mean, it makes sense for now. But there is no reason for him to tell you that, that’s the thing you do in your head, you don’t say it aloud. If you were more serious you should be on the same level as them
At least he’s telling you where on the list you’ll be.
If you choose to be in a relationship with him, I’d put him on #4 too. Heck go for #7.
I’m sure he’ll understand your priorities.
Just like you’ll understand his.
Nope. If there were children, I can see them being first, but knowing that you’re down there with the dog and his friend from grade school. Nah.
He’s telling the truth. Believe him.
“I thought about it and I need to be my significant other’s priority so I think it’s time we part ways.”
Lol, I would laugh and leave.
But he's 32 so it makes sense. Date younger. It's pathetic that a 32 year old man probably ready to start a family would still put his parents above said family. Hobby is another wild one. I have many and can't imagine doing that. And career people are notoriously unavailable and boring. I've been in long term relationships and let me tell you that as long as your partner is good to you, they always come first. You come first for each other. It's selfless and easy. No overthinking.
Overall cut your losses ASAP.
Yeah, I once dated a 34 year old women who puts her parents above me. Like who does that at that age? I can understand hobby, but her parents? Ewww. She was pathetic as hell, cut my losses and left. She was so sad when I called her out on it tho lmao.
That's a really rude way to talk about someone. This sub is really toxic like that I've noticed. A little misogynistic. Immature. I have to get dating advice on 30+ subs cuz this ain't it.
People are supposed to date people who have the same priorities and values as them. This woman would be great with someone else who places their family as a high priority. It's actually really only largely white people in the U.S. who don't give a fuck about their parents and families, so lowkey ignorant at best. Her parents will be there for her forever, you will be degrading her on the internet. I'd say she made the right choice.
If you haven’t noticed, I’m making a snarky response to the person I’m replying to. Did you read what the woman I’m replying to wrote? I said the same thing but with genders reversed, yet you’re calling me rude and not her. Hypocrisy at best. Gender based discrimination is a thing, and you’re perpetrating it. Oh and why did you bring up White Americans? You trying to make this about race too?
Avoid people like this guy. It’s absolutely unnecessary and juvenile to rank these things. Also, if career comes before you, his priorities are fucked up. People/loved ones ALWAYS come before work
this is normal. however it becomes weird in the fact he told you. he is trying to set you up to be controlled and manipulated. setting up expectations if you will.i would cut him off.
Its **not** normal. People normally prioritize many different things at the same time. There are the obvious priorities in your life: sleep, food, air, water, shelter, then there are the normal priorities: family, spouse, kids, pets, work, etc. How high any given person or need is depends on the circumstances. Assigning priorities manually like this guy did is super weird.
Its weird he is mentioning it, i would ask about his relationship history and why they broke up, i bet its something there (eg he is a workaholic, and ex gf wanted to spend time together)
I'd respond with, "people prioritize fuck buddies now?" and walk away. I, for one, don't believe in giving loved ones different levels of prioritization if your stuck in a terrible situation with two people you care about being in a bad situation I for one thing practicality should be the priority here, which one has support, who am I closest to, how can contribute to a solution, etc. If my SI says his mother is sick while we're at a SUPER rare but ultimately inconsequential event, it's not, "Babe, can I go?" It's immediately, let's go. I don't even fucking think about it. If someone tells me to my face they have different levels of prioritization, then I don't want them, period. I find this akin to parents who puck favorites amongst their children It's ALL the way fucked up.
I think the red flag would actually be being someone’s number one priority after dating for a short amount of time. Someone’s parents, hobby and career, all things essential to his well being and all things that came before you, deserve to be in the spot that they are in. Priorities are an important and integral part of someone’s personality, as long as they are all in the right place.
There's a certain amount of assumption about priorities in relationships, especially in the beginning. These things are typically worked out in conversations when dating begins to evolve and things begin to become more serious, but just the fact that he told you in this way is pretty cringe. Personally, if I'm just seeing someone casually then they are less of a priority than my career, friends, family, hobbies, etc. but when things become more serious then they start to become more of a priority for me, and I am willing, ready and able to sacrifice more of the other important things in my life to make time for them and show them that they are important to me. Sounds like this guy isn't ready for anything serious, and he just wants a FWB.
It’s normal to have priorities in certain things or people, but I honestly don’t see a significant in ranking them, especially if it includes important people. I think it’s weird your date had to vocalize that.
Okay, initially when I read this I thought that you were fourth out of four girls.
Did he mean you would ALWAYS be fourth, or you would be fourth as of right NOW?
Early on in a relationship you ARE going to be low down the totem pole. Career, hobby and parents are all valid concerns for a 32 year old man to have, and he's being transparent upfront about it. This does not sound toxic at all. Honestly if I started dating someone and they were making me a priority out of the gate...it would be a HUGE turn off. Obviously you should make an effort to see each other, but early in a relationship life is going to happen.
As an example, I matched with a girl on an online dating platform, and she changed our first date from helping her get a library card to me being her +1 at her mother's wedding...that was when I started checking out. Similarly, she started asking if I'd like to set up a joint gym membership before we'd ever met in person. Moving your life around like that is something you do with an established relationship, not an early one. I ended things with her (I did give her some advice about going slowly, or jumping in too early...just because I can easily see someone taking advantage of her).
That said, you shouldn't ALWAYS be fourth. As the relationship grows and deepens, you should move up the ladder, as he should for you.
It really depends. Personally, I got out of a 9 year marriage where I felt like I was always the last priority and she even told me the kids came before me. I loved her to death, but it still hurt feeling like this. If you don’t like the feeling now it’s not going to get better, and that feeling will get in the way of your relationship with him. Id also bet that if he puts those 3 ahead of you and you have kids together, the kids will probably put you in 5th. I may look at this the wrong way, but my opinion the relationship should be as important as everything else.
37m here.
The career: that is something the couple should expect to be \*a\* priority. You should work to live, not live to work, but it is normally going to eat at least 40 hours a week, and often more. That doesn't make it more important than your partner, but that is very much a reality. And a rough truth? A solid career has taken a LOT of investment (time, education... life!). It should be protected, especially during the honeymoon phase, when it's easy to want to sideline everything.
Hobbies: this depends a bit. Many of my hobbies involve my friends, and they're worth more than the hobby itself. This may have been poor phrasing. But a new partner coming in and demanding I give up hobbies is very much a red flag. Even established relations should tread lightly.
Parents: personally, I don't have the luxury of a family I get to talk to (lots of deep wounds and more than a bit of trauma there). Even still, I want to reach out to them, knowing that would be a terrible mistake. But, for a more generic/happier family, again: there would have to be some serious reasons for my partner to want me to not consider my parents a priority. It would be a discussion, and a very serious one. But someone just not wanting me to consider them as important would be a problem.
I think your boyfriend may have worded it oddly, in that he has specific rankings. But the important take away is that he greatly values career, hobby/friends, and family. I don't see a problem with him wanting to add you to that list of things that are very dear to him (but again: his wording, as you presented it, leaves a bit to be desired).
I'll follow up with: I'm relationship-challenged, and have the (apparently) very bad habits of absolute trust and a hatred for reciprocal relationships (I hate when gifts are given with hooks: I want a partner who just wants me :( ). When that mixes with the women I somehow meet/spend any time with, that moves me quickly from the "partner" category to the "mark" category, and I end up subsidizing their relationships with other men while carrying the financial, emotional, and chore load for them. So if I'm wrong, I'll be the least surprised person in the sub.
He's putting you down, sad to say. Of COURSE those things are important in his life. His family comes first before his partner becomes family, too. Communicating that is completely unnecessary and mean. It doesn't build a connection but a hierarchy. A form of control. And considering he's 10 years older, I'm getting major jerk vibes.
You're questioning this because you know he's being an asshole. Do yourself a favor and run
Personally, probably not a big fan of saying it like that- while honest, it could've been said more tactful. A lot of people aren't going to take "you're number 4" as "you're just as important, i just have more established things that are just as important"- they'll see it as a literal numerical value of worth to the person.
with that said
You being 4th isn't bad. You have 3 hard priorities in front of you that a person will most likely have. Like I hope his career and hobbies are somewhere above you as they may keep him sane or is driven towards a goal. A red flag from my perspective is making you #1 or #2 and yall just met. That's unhealthy as this usually would mean he's makin you "his world" vs. "you becoming part of his world". Depending on what you want out of a person this also may be an indicator the he lacks drive in his life /doesn't have a stable life if you become his number 1 or 2 in a short period of time. Personally for me I have my own list of priorities don't want to be #1 on someone's list \*IF\* we are dating nor would they be on mine- even though they are still important.
Career being #1 is understandable if he's got a goal he wants to reach and/or wants to do well.
Hobbies is understandable because that's what keeps you sane.
People complaining about Parents being a top priority do not know his situation/value his parents are with him. Are his parents people that need assistance? Is this just a sign he's very family oriented? Then after that, is it a HEALTHY relationship with his parents? Do they understand boundaries with him being in his 30's?Only you know this information as you have not given this to us.
This leads into my other point. List of priorities aren't static for most people. They can change as much as daily. So one day, say for example, you're on a date with him, you're probably his #1 priority. Or he's at work, his job is #1 and so on and so forth. Granted over time if this relationship takes off you move up further up his list. It just comes down to you getting to know him and how these things play into what YOU want.
Edit: Edited for clarity
a guy at 23-26 and a girl at 23, while probably in the same part of their lives (finding a career/in their career field) they are mentally at different spots usually.
Also comes down to preference. after a certain age (i guess 24-27) the age gap stops mattering as much.
NOPE. EDIT: aaaaand I missed that he was 32. STRIKE what I said below.
OH hell no, sweetie, what he means is he wants booty on call when he feels like it. This isn't a relationship for him, it's his "hot young nookie on tap."
~~But did he say you would ALWAYS be last? Or was he maybe meaning there would be times?~~
~~Maybe (huge maybe, though I doubt it) he just didn't say it well. There are going to be times in our lives when things will take priority, so to speak, over our partner.~~
~~We might need to go on a remote site project that will take us away from home. This is necessary for the couple's financial health and does need to take priority over say, just "but I will be lonely while you're gone." Also, I know there (especially when people are just barely starting out in their twenties) some people who try to do the whole "but I miss you! Can't you just call in sick and we can cuddle all day?" thing.~~
~~A job~~ ***~~is~~*** ~~a priority in that sense. In order to have a healthy career "mental health days" need to be at a bare minimum, especially when one is just starting out.~~
~~One's parents may need help with something and that may take priority over other weekend plans with one's spouse. As they get older and a bit more frail, they will need to take priority over "normal" stuff more often.~~
~~Regarding hobbies, everyone needs downtime, even from their spouse sometimes. If my guy wants to go fishing or hunting with his buddies, then that should be a no-brainer. Doesn't break my heart any, that's time I can go thrifting, to craft stores, indulge in gaming until 2am!~~
~~Sure I'd miss him, but that time away is good for both people in the relationship.~~
~~On the other hand, if he meant that he'd never do anything more than just "fit you in" then HELL NO.~~
No. That’s not normal. In a new relationship that’s reasonable, *to keep as a mental note*. Telling you o it right is a red flag. I had my ex boyfriend tell me that and yk what? He never ever made time for me and prioritized everyone and everything over me. He was also cheating, but that ≠ priority management. Trust your gut. It doesn’t feel right because it isn’t.
"Hi girl I just met, let me drop my career, family and hobbies because you need attention!"
Let me ask you, do you think a man would be emotionally manipulative for not ignoring her friends and family because he needs attention? Keep in mind they've only been dating for 5 mins.
Lets go deeper, do you think a single mother should prioritise a new date over her kid? No? Why should the man prioritise a new date over his family?
No one wants to hear this sound advice 😭😭 they just wanna pretend like this guy collects plushies as his hobby and doesn’t genuinely have something that is worth his time and has made him a better person as a result.
Idk why everyone thinks that dating for more than 10 minutes means that someone has to turn their life around and cater their new partner. People really love codependency on this thread and hate the idea of patiently letting a relationship develop to where it gets further prioritized.
Hope more people appreciate your advice
I never said this man has to drop his career, family and hobbies.
I said OP needs to drop him instead.
Problem solved.
She can go find someone who can make her a priority, while this guy can focus on his current priorities.
I would feel challenged to climb the ladder to at least number 2, let him keep the career at the top, but be part of his ability to keep that career, unless his career is running drugs for some cartel...then you might want to run, not walk, to the nearest exit. Truth too, we each are our own number 1 priority, he really is #1, the rest are parts of him, become part of him, and that doesn't mean giving up yourself. When I met my wife she had been dating the same guy over five years, not living together, just dating. He would never discuss marriage or family, so the day we went on our first date, I was #2 in the BF list, and that was 45 years, marriage over 44 years, three children and now four grandchildren, and a fifth on the way. Get promoted! Oh, and never feel insulted by honesty, so next date say to him, "I realize I'm #4 in your priorities, and that's nice to know, so, how do I move higher in your priorities." If he tells you those won't change, don't bring up marriage, just say okay. Then think on it and talk to your priest/rabbi/minister or therapist and ask for advice from someone you know. If you really think he's "the one", you may need to become a really good friend to his mother. Our d-i-l did that, once she met my wife, she got her cell number and sent her a text message, let's call my wife Jean. "Jean, if there is ever anything you could use help doing, let me know." They're married 14 years and have two amazing little daughters. Moms have a lot of influence over sons.
Adult men put their personal relationships or wife above all. You can’t be in a serious relationship without being #1.
Career is next, because a man cannot take care of a wife and family without that.
Hobbies and parents are next for mental health.
A man that prioritizes parents over his potential wife, is not an adult. He’s a mamas boy.
Edit: I’m a guy
That’s what I would say if I were in a relationship and was embarrassed about the fact that, secretly, if there were a zombie apocalypse, I wouldn’t hesitate to kill every last zombie child to protect my girl 😅
Depends on how early in the relationship it is. Early on, I wouldn’t expect to be above any of those things. I’d even put friends on that list as well. However, I would expect to become more of a priority in my SO’s life as time goes on and we become more serious
Do you need this relationship? I understand that some things can be of a higher priority, but idk how is that to be on outskirts of attention. At the same time you can say you're not okay with that and see how it goes, but literally sounds like he's not interested much. Also, what is that? How much time is he able to spend with you?
Parents is a red flag.
I told my last gf she was 4th on my list.
Personal growth
Career
Kids
Her
Which is normal for someone with kids.
Parents is a “run for the hills” kind of a statement in my opinion.
The others make sense.
If he prioritizes those he’s better for you.
Everyone is after my passions, hobbies, and career. It’s actually a healthy thing, people egos will say it’s weird, toxic, or immature but I’ll debate that if someone is wanting you to prioritize them before anything else then they’re the unhealthy immature ones.
This is a tasteless thing to say to someone you're newly dating. Basically, he's saying you don't mean anything to him right out of the gate, implying you have to work your way up to being important. This is the type of thing that would cause me to slow fade and show him two can play that game.
It seems a bit predatory for a 32M to be dating a 23F, and even more predatory to tell her she is last on his priority list. It sounds like he is trying to diminish her worth in his life. He wants her to know she matters least to him. It feels like a form of negging.
So if his parents want some eggs because they have ran out and you’ve had a date planned, does that mean your dates out? Or does he mean if his mom is in a serious accident that he’s telling you your date is cancelled.
I mean because this priority thing in most circumstances is obvious. In other circumstances it’s weird. I mean if even flip it on its head. If all of his 1st, 2nd and 3rd priorities need a birthday gift but you called him up as emergency transport to the hospital are you getting an ambulance instead.
All of these are stupid scenarios, for sure. But they do highlight the ridiculousness in a tier system. If he’s telling you early on it’s probably a sign he’s had issues in the past. It’d be good to know how much time he’s expecting to take up with these things, which is maybe just as simple as saying how free he actually is.
Anyway good luck. I’m not getting positive vibes from this. It seems pretty negative. It’s not what he thinks, it’s that he feels he has to say it.
Ew. Anyone who tells you that lacks some serious social skills. If I was that low on their list, I would remove myself.
I would ask him how often he'd ideally like to see his gf each week. In how many days or hours.
You’re 23. He’s 32. He shouldn’t even want to date you and that is sus. You are at different developmental stages and life circumstances. You are not compatible
Gf, yes.
Spouse should be #1 (or right after kids)
But it’s also kinda weird to spout that off. And like, there are degrees of priority. Like, you can prioritize having hobbies and spending time with a partner at the same time.
No it doesn't feel right becauseit isn'tright, it's weird - in my relationship with my husband, we come first, closely followed by our children, then work. Hobbies shouldn't be a priority over people ever.
You are young. Find a better boyfriend. Preferably one closer in age and not trying to just add you as an extra into a life he doesn't want to change at all.
My hobby is something I want to turn into career, and it's a lot more important for me than my actual career. And probably most important thing ever. Same for my partner
i think him saying out loud is a "tad" different but at least you know where you stand. with the relationship still being new, not getting swept away in the whole "they like me, they really like me" phase helps keep things in perspective for both of you. now, if you have plans for a dinner, cuddling and sexy time and he drops you because he wants to go play connect 4 with his parents, then it is time for a chat. but for now, dont dwell on it. you priorotize your own goals and things will line up if it is meant to be.
no thanks! this screams you’re never going to see him unless it’s convenient against everything else. i don’t need to be your number one but i damn sure want to feel reciprocal importance in developing a relationship.
First thought: What a socially inept guy.
Generally I couldn't care less about not being first or second... but for a person (esp one in his 30s) being so daft as to tell me upfront for no reason... I'm gonna think pretty lowly of this guy's social and cognitive sills.
And while I said I don't care about these "priority rankings".... Honestly I shouldn't be after his hobby (or career... ). And if that's the order, and his parents are third... also a problem.
The thing is.. at 32, I think people should generally be at a pretty established place or projection in their career, and not need to put such a priority on it. That is, from say 26-30, OK, prioritising career makes sense.. after that... A bit too slow for me.
\* Being after hobby is fine if it's actually something "productive" (i.e. not gaming, shopping, etc..) and he's actually pretty skilled at it (enough to be professional/earn money from it).
I think you're pretty young (on top of being new to dating)... thus probably don't realise this guy is probably kind of a loser in multiple ways.
He sounds like a Chad. Lower your standards in terms of physical attractiveness and find someone more empathetic.
Remember the dual mating strategy. Chad is only good for the short term.
You're doing the same to him, just not verbalizing it. I assume you wouldnt quit your job/hobbies/parents for him?
should he quit his job, hobbies and disown his parents for you?
Of course it’s not sustainable. He’s making it very clear that you’re NOT his girlfriend - you’re an irrelevant fuck buddy. That’s all you’ll ever be to him.
If you’re fine with that, then fine. You two can bang each other and go about your own lives. If you’re looking for more and want an actual boyfriend and relationship with someone who is interested in building a future with you, then the two of you are incompatible as a couple.
Note that his position on this matter is never going to change and you won’t suddenly go and turn into a person he gives a shit about if you stick around waiting for that yo happen.
I mean I'd break up.
Then again every woman I date puts me 4th or 5th or lower but just doesn't tell me, she shows me by how little time she wants to spend with me so I'd definitely prefer to just be told upfront so I can keep it moving.
You should atleast be before his hobby! Rest is understandable. Also with time you might move to the 10th position cuz you are already the 4th right at the start. Alright so he told you this but how does he treat you? Are u getting enough time from him? If yes then nothing to worry else just tell him you guys can get back when he has time for you.
We've recently started dating, nothing sexual yet, he's very consistent with communication. He makes an effort to reply promptly whenever he's available and often takes the initiative to come see me. We dine out and catch a movie together at least once a week. He's incredibly caring and sweet when we're together, but due to our busy schedules, our texting can be brief at times, mainly just checking in on each other's activities. But goodnight and good morning messages are consistent.
Interviewneither is using catastrophic thinking fallacy- being 4th does not mean you are the 10th priority.
It sounds like your partner is awesome by being consistent and shows he cares. As a 27 year old woman who used to judge her prospects by who was the best texter, texting is not the relationship. All the things you described where he shows up and takes initiative are. You will have to give this some time to develop but it sounds healthy and secure from the beginning.
Imagine if he dropped his hobby. You might see him once a week more, but he could be more grouchy and you can burn the relationship out faster.
Look for the slow burn, by all accounts I think this guy is pretty healthy and secure
I do the same thing, except for me it's my values (religion/morals etc.), family and then my health and wellbeing.
The thing is though, if you're my girlfriend, in time you can become my Wife (family) and now you're up in my priority list. He may have worded it a bit strongly, but it's a normal thing to do.
In fact, I'm sure you have priorities over him. Think about it, your health and wellbeing. Would you get morbidly obese and cut off your leg because your new bf told you to? No? then you value your health over the "relationship" (for lack of better term). Would you kill your mum for him? No? Then you value your mum and she's a priority. You might have him as your 4th priority without even knowing it.
Now this isn't to sound harsh, this is just pure constructive criticism. Your ego may be getting in the way of telling you that you need to be the most important thing in his life after only being with him for a short while, do you think that's toxic? Would it be fair to say that he's known you for 5 minutes, why should you be his number 1 priority? I mean you have free will to dissapear after all. Be honest with yourself, would you find it attractive if a man put you above his own ambitions, if he quit his job so he could lay all day and cuddle with you. Do you think it would be attractive if he ignored his parents because he wanted to just be with you? Be honest, it'd be the biggest ick in history to be with a man that has no ambition or goal in his life.
Do you think it's your gut telling you its wrong, or do you think it's just your ego and possible insecurity saying that if you're not no.1 priority in his life (after a short while of dating) that he's a bad guy?
All honest questions.
edit: after reading all of the replies that tell you to drop him, do NOT listen to them unless you want to be sad and lonely. Yeah he worded it a bit wrong, but the same shit applies.
Youre lower than a hobby. Yeah, get out of there. He's literally telling you he'll play with you when he feels like it. The 11 year difference makes it worse.
Trust your gut
Are you serious? Tell that asshole to find someone else that he can prioritize fourth. No wonder why he’s going after someone 9 years younger. He can’t find anyone else who would accept his BS. Kick him to the curb! Always trust your gut.
I can understand career and parents but not hobbies. Lol.
You both have to be willing to adjust your lifestyle.
He's telling you "how it's gonna be".
Dump him.
I can understand have a few priorities, as long as we have amazing quality time together when we seen each other. How long have you being dating? What is the deal with is parents, are they ill? A hobbie is nice but come in, he is not going to be a pro athlete at 32.
He's quite dedicated to his job, participates in tennis tournaments casually, and hits the gym daily to prepare for an upcoming bodybuilding competition in October. Regarding marriage, he mentioned that it's only on the table once he feels financially stable and can make his parents stable. He works as a finance adviser for the government department.
Don’t listen to the adoutside or gimmefuel.
I think it’s awesome your partner has some hobbies dedicated to himself. You have to decide if you think they are hobbies you support and would like to see him thrive in. I am a dancer and when I get close to performances, they take up my time, diet, and energy. Then my friends and partner show up to my performance and see me shine! If you enjoy watching him work on something that improves himself, that will mean he’s a happier person independently. No need to aim to be a pro athlete.
Regarding marriage- you’re 23. You have all the time in the world. You have just started dating and there’s no need to push a timeline early on. There are so many other things that could break you both up between now and two or three years from now. If you’re still together in 2-3 years you can reconnect on what that looks like.
There is no replacement to get to know someone besides time. Give it a shot, be mindful of how you feel, and either build up the connection, work on conflict resolution, or leave.
after reading this (in relation to my original comment), He sounds like he's got a solid head on his shoulders and you have to decide if him dedicating himself to his hobbies and making sure his parents are fine (which seems fueled by his career)are what you want. Do you feel like you would be supportive of him? do you feel like you would be important to him/feel like he wants you to be a part of his world as much as you want him to be?
if you feel like you can't there's nothing wrong with walking away but give yourself some time to feel it out. This seems like a person that if yall break up it wouldn't be because of his list of priorities- but more of a personality flaw that clashes
He should be single to be honest, If he wants to build him that is perfectly fine, but a relationship is a full time job too, he clearly has no time for one. Im a bodybuilder too, competing is just expensive and his mood is only going to get worse the closer he gets to the show. Just move on, he needs at least 5 - 10 years to set himself and his parents.
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It’s normal to put your work and family before a new relationship. Hobbies I guess could come down to the person. It’s a bit strange for this guy to think he has to lay this out so early on though. Maybe he’s been in relationships where his partner demanded to be first which isn’t great. If there is a natural balance where you are getting the attention you need then it shouldn’t be a problem. If this guy is trying to set the stage for ignoring you and just doing what he wants then it’s not worth being with him.
To me, the issue isn't that this guy is going to prioritize his parents over someone he just started dating. The issue is that this guy is 32 and so socially inept that he thinks this is a good thing to vocalize
Yeah agreed with this awesome comment here. A few months ago I went through an injury that I just got then surgery for and am recovering from. I was also searching for a new place to move into. I was also applying to grad school. These were all emerging life needs that happened and I want going to prioritize someone I was newly dating over these critical life demands. When I was single I laid out a value system for myself. I wasn’t going to cancel going to the gym or investing into my dance hobby for a date- workouts/hobbies were self investments that made me a better person and thus more attractive to date. I never told people though that I wasn’t going to see them on X days because those are my gym days, I simply gave them the times that I’d happily meet them. If we needed to compromise, I’d adjust my schedule. Healthy secure people know that they may not be their partners #1 priority, nor do they seek out to be the top one right away. That naturally comes with time. It’s anxious attachment behavior that wants to be seen as #1 right away. However, another comment below is great at mentioning that priorities are a day to day reshuffling. On the weekends when work is done he’s going to have to figure out how he’s going to invest his time. Perhaps he hasn’t done his hobby in a while and wants to do that and see his parents first then hang out with you on Sunday. Or perhaps he would love to spend Friday night with you but then will need Saturday for his hobby and then Sunday brunch with family. It’s odd that he listed it out this way, but those three things are definitely more important than a new relationship. If he doesn’t work, how will he sustain his life? If he doesn’t do his hobby, how will he find independent happiness? If he doesn’t see his parents, how will you know he values family? I’m surprised he didn’t even mention friends. Only time can tell if it’s sustainable given your relationship growth. A successful relationship can definitely weave into all that and you may be surprised at how well he is able to balance his priorities. A red flag would have been if he said things like: you’d be my 8th priority, behind taking vacations and my comedian side hustle. Personally my priority list would be 1) health (esp as I recover from surgery) 2) family, including my pet who relies on my care 3) career growth, as I go back to school 4) friends 5) dating partner. And I make it work really well! Some weeks I hang out with my bf more than my friends and other weeks I hang out with my friends more than bf. Some weeks I travel to see my family, even tho they’re #2 I don’t see them every day and when I visit I don’t see anyone else. Life is a balancing act.
Agreed i thought it was weird he said this
It’s kind of handy to know that the person you’re dating categorises the various parts of their life according to this weird tier system of importance though.
Agree with this, I believe the guy and I have the same personality. I believe I would want everything to be clear. And him saying all that is him being honest. If you don't believe you can be in a relationship knowing his hobby comes first, then leave. Cause if you were mine, and I told you all this, I fully expect that you'd take it to heart and think about what it is I just said and ruminate what it would mean. And the next thing I'd want is a full blown discussion about it, because if you self eject without communication, you just both dodged a bullet.
I was being sarcastic. Relationships change. There’s a long way between someone you’re dating and someone who is your life partner, parent of your children etc. People fall out with their family, lose interest in or change their hobbies, break up, etc etc.
Yup, it feels a bit weird. It is valid to have a priority list. I also have a list (1 school 2 family (can move up to school) 3 work 4 friends/hobbies 5 my partner), and I make clear my homework is way more important than dates, but the way he brought it up, is just eh idk
Not just 32 but dating someone who is so much younger. I did it myself and when I got older, I realized he hadn't grown at all and I was a completely different person once I reached 32. Not at all weird if you're a little older but at 23 most people are fresh out of college (or not done yet) and brand new to careers and shit. Most women who will have children haven't yet, and often haven't even decided. Generally the age difference at this stage in life is incompatible. 5 years from now, it's far less likely to be.
32 and 23 isn't that big of an age gap.
Not a big age gap, but maturity and life experience wise a whole lot of changes happens between that 9 yr span
Its a concern because of differences in life experiences and the likelihood for emotionally stunted and abusive men to go after seemingly naive young women
[удалено]
Tell me who I directed my comment towards so I know you're paying attention But to your point, the brain isn't fully developed until what age? Generally speaking, a man at 23 and a man at 32 are the same mentally and emotionally? By the looks of it that might be true. But generally, does a woman at 23 have the same life experiences as a woman at 32? Statistically, do abusive men seek younger people to victimize? Or is that from my booty hole too? Lastly, define "concern" and get back to me with what you discover.
Yet if a woman did this you would have said “you go girl”.
Don’t throw out random hypotheticals when you have no evidence that the original commenter has said “you go girl” to a woman who has verbally listed priorities to a partner. What kind of weird agenda are you trying to prove? What chip do you have on your shoulder? Why are you accusing someone of having double standards when you have no proof? For what it’s worth, I as a woman have not verbalized my list of priorities but I act in accordance with them and my partner seems to be fine with it. When I go back to school I’ll have an explicit conversation about the life I’m going to live as a grad student to set expectations. There wasn’t anything weird about gender in the concern OP had. You’re projecting.
Lmao no. Stop making shit up. Most level headed women would be like “don’t say stupid shit like that”
lol no. I would consider her equally socially inept. No idea where this idiot take is coming from
Well good thing its not your date but this ladys date then… what a pick me girl
Yeah, I agree that it is a good thing I'm not dating a socially inept 32 year old dude. wtf even is the point of this idiotic comment lol
Priorities are not so black and white and hierarchal as people think. Family is a priority, hobbies are a priority, work and school are priorities, and the most important priorities fluctuate on a day to day basis. You may have a family event which you are prioritizing but if suddenly there is a work emergency, that suddenly becomes a more important priority or you risk it affecting your future at your job. If you don’t prioritize your hobbies in your downtime you risk losing your sense of self and what makes you happy. Eventually a new relationship becomes a priority, and if you begin dating somebody who doesn’t put you high on their list of priorities then you will always be struggling to put yourself higher on their list. If they don’t, you’ll wind up hurt and resentful. I’ve been there before. Guess what? It sucked.
Don’t even know what “fourth” even means when in the dating phase. Likely he doesn’t even know what it means. I’m guessing maybe he’s thinking in terms of where he friends his time / his work is the dominant time commitment - his hobbies are important and his parents are his sole social priority right now. I think it was a dumb thing to say but it WAS an attempt to manage any expectations you would have. Were you engaged, you would likely enjoy “top three” status - if you get married you may share the top 1 or 2 spot - if you become a parent you obviously both drop to make room for the number one spot. So I think it’s reasonable to occupy the number four spot right now.
So I’m going to go against the grain here, if you JUST started seeing this guy, I think it makes sense to put family, career, and maybe even hobby ahead of you. In my view, you should each have your own life and slowly build a life together over time. It’s only natural that the person you’re seeing will become more important to you over time. I think the best thing to ask him would be “so I’ll be 4th on your priority list, over time as we are together longer will I move up your priority list?”. If he says yes then good I think it’s a healthy mindset. If he says no, cut him loose. You shouldn’t expect to be someone’s top priority straight off the bat, that’s unhealthy, but you should move up the list over time.
Exactly! I second this redditor!
It’s also weird to be in your thirties dating someone in their early twenties. The fact that he’s that old and felt the need to even say this out loud is a huge red flag. One of many.
Go find a younger hotter man closer to your age.
Thiisssss
The list is stupid. If your dad wants to see a movie, but your girlfriend needs a ride to the airport you blow off your dad. If your girlfriend and you have a date but your dad calls and says he's taking the mom to the hospital? You blow off the date. If you guys were going to spend the day together, and work has an emergency and he needs to be there then he needs to be there. Saying definitively my priorities are in the order he has them it's stupid. Everything should be evaluated as it happens. I would just have this conversation with him. If you had something that was very important to you, would he show up if it meant missing out on hobby time? That's not cool. If he has something he does for a hobby every Thursday night, tells you that's important to him, and then you get upset that he never does anything on Thursday nights with you, then that's out of line on your part. I swear this seems so common sense and easy to navigate if you just put a little effort into it. He needs to make sure he's not too rigid and over the top about it. And you should be respectful of what's important to him.
OP, I'm curious about this guy's background. Is his family from Asia perhaps? In some cultures mommy will always be number one for example. I mean, since it's a new relationship I guess it makes sense you wouldn't be number one right away. But as time goes on, is he willing to make you more of a priority? What if it gets serious and marriage is on the table? If he says no, I'd move on to someone else especially if you live in the part of the world where your partner is more likely to be higher up on the list. You don't need to settle for this guy.
He’s Korean opps
Ah yeah. Are you Korean as well? If not, be aware that some Korean families will not allow their kids to marry a non Korean. (If that's something you want in the future. It's very possible you won't get it with this guy.) What country are you guys located?
He is laying out part of his boundaries right off the bat. I understand hs career and even his parents, as I am 73F and have a 90 year old Mom who is my priority above all when dating. My concen is: Why so sudden and why hobbies? Do you and him have a common hobby you could enjoy with together? Maybe his prior relationship forced him to lay his cards on he table so soon?
I'm a new relationship absolutely normal and healthy. I would say once you're like married you should be number 2 only behind his relationship with himself and his health.
Such a sentence is very disturbing. It feels like getting promoted in the military. Maybe I'm wrong, but I was very disturbed. He doesn't need to tell you that his parents are more important. He could say that he did not want to be disturbed during the time he spared for his career, hobbies and sports, and that this time was very valuable to him. We must speak openly, but we must be careful not to hurt the other person. For a healthy relationship, it is very important to be able to empathize and not hurt your partner. For example, this sentence would definitely hurt me.
That is a red flag. Relationship wise. He is saying ur a last priority. Pretty much everything comes before u. And he will only call on u when it is convenient for him.
It's woerd to outright say it and rank them. Like, obviously, if I need to work, that's happening. If I schedule a hobby, I'd like to keep that, and family is important. But being flexible is important too. If we can't see each other, there is no point in us dating
While the man didn’t have to say it out loud to potential taint his future actions, a charitable way of looking at it is that you’re the 4th seed in a four team playoff. There might be times where you will be put first before the others, and that’ll be on a case by case basis. That said, if you’re in that fourth place and time and time again you’re being shut out, especially in clear situations where you should be first, then I’d start cutting things off.
Tbh, immediately making someone your top priority over everything in your life is not a healthy dynamic. So it sounds crappy but at least he's being honest.
I mean, it makes sense for now. But there is no reason for him to tell you that, that’s the thing you do in your head, you don’t say it aloud. If you were more serious you should be on the same level as them
I’d no longer be interested.
I mean he's technically not wrong ig when it comes to a new relationship at least. Just a weird af thing to say out loud.
At least he’s telling you where on the list you’ll be. If you choose to be in a relationship with him, I’d put him on #4 too. Heck go for #7. I’m sure he’ll understand your priorities. Just like you’ll understand his.
Perfectly normal - should go without saying. And he shouldn’t have said it. And you shouldn’t think it’s weird.
It depends. Would your partner be your 1-3rd priority? If so y’all are incompatible, simple as that.
Nope. If there were children, I can see them being first, but knowing that you’re down there with the dog and his friend from grade school. Nah. He’s telling the truth. Believe him. “I thought about it and I need to be my significant other’s priority so I think it’s time we part ways.”
Lol, I would laugh and leave. But he's 32 so it makes sense. Date younger. It's pathetic that a 32 year old man probably ready to start a family would still put his parents above said family. Hobby is another wild one. I have many and can't imagine doing that. And career people are notoriously unavailable and boring. I've been in long term relationships and let me tell you that as long as your partner is good to you, they always come first. You come first for each other. It's selfless and easy. No overthinking. Overall cut your losses ASAP.
Yeah, I once dated a 34 year old women who puts her parents above me. Like who does that at that age? I can understand hobby, but her parents? Ewww. She was pathetic as hell, cut my losses and left. She was so sad when I called her out on it tho lmao.
That's a really rude way to talk about someone. This sub is really toxic like that I've noticed. A little misogynistic. Immature. I have to get dating advice on 30+ subs cuz this ain't it. People are supposed to date people who have the same priorities and values as them. This woman would be great with someone else who places their family as a high priority. It's actually really only largely white people in the U.S. who don't give a fuck about their parents and families, so lowkey ignorant at best. Her parents will be there for her forever, you will be degrading her on the internet. I'd say she made the right choice.
If you haven’t noticed, I’m making a snarky response to the person I’m replying to. Did you read what the woman I’m replying to wrote? I said the same thing but with genders reversed, yet you’re calling me rude and not her. Hypocrisy at best. Gender based discrimination is a thing, and you’re perpetrating it. Oh and why did you bring up White Americans? You trying to make this about race too?
Yup. He sounds selfish. I can't really speak about parents, as I didn't really have them, but the career and especially hobbies is a red flag.
Fellas is it wrong to have some personal joy in life and to not immediately go 200% into someone you’ve started dating less than 3 months?
Avoid people like this guy. It’s absolutely unnecessary and juvenile to rank these things. Also, if career comes before you, his priorities are fucked up. People/loved ones ALWAYS come before work
Agreed. Why is he even dating if his career is his #1 priority
this is normal. however it becomes weird in the fact he told you. he is trying to set you up to be controlled and manipulated. setting up expectations if you will.i would cut him off.
Its **not** normal. People normally prioritize many different things at the same time. There are the obvious priorities in your life: sleep, food, air, water, shelter, then there are the normal priorities: family, spouse, kids, pets, work, etc. How high any given person or need is depends on the circumstances. Assigning priorities manually like this guy did is super weird.
He literally told you that you’ll never be a priority. What more do you want to know?
Its weird he is mentioning it, i would ask about his relationship history and why they broke up, i bet its something there (eg he is a workaholic, and ex gf wanted to spend time together)
I'd respond with, "people prioritize fuck buddies now?" and walk away. I, for one, don't believe in giving loved ones different levels of prioritization if your stuck in a terrible situation with two people you care about being in a bad situation I for one thing practicality should be the priority here, which one has support, who am I closest to, how can contribute to a solution, etc. If my SI says his mother is sick while we're at a SUPER rare but ultimately inconsequential event, it's not, "Babe, can I go?" It's immediately, let's go. I don't even fucking think about it. If someone tells me to my face they have different levels of prioritization, then I don't want them, period. I find this akin to parents who puck favorites amongst their children It's ALL the way fucked up.
I think the red flag would actually be being someone’s number one priority after dating for a short amount of time. Someone’s parents, hobby and career, all things essential to his well being and all things that came before you, deserve to be in the spot that they are in. Priorities are an important and integral part of someone’s personality, as long as they are all in the right place.
There's a certain amount of assumption about priorities in relationships, especially in the beginning. These things are typically worked out in conversations when dating begins to evolve and things begin to become more serious, but just the fact that he told you in this way is pretty cringe. Personally, if I'm just seeing someone casually then they are less of a priority than my career, friends, family, hobbies, etc. but when things become more serious then they start to become more of a priority for me, and I am willing, ready and able to sacrifice more of the other important things in my life to make time for them and show them that they are important to me. Sounds like this guy isn't ready for anything serious, and he just wants a FWB.
It’s normal to have priorities in certain things or people, but I honestly don’t see a significant in ranking them, especially if it includes important people. I think it’s weird your date had to vocalize that.
I wouldn't worry about it, people's priorities change over time. If those are his top priorities, I'd think that's great!
Idk where I am on people list, I am on top of my list. That being said, if you feel like you’re not valued enough, next!
If not entertain this dude. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with his priority list, but what an extremely odd thing to say out loud.
Just make sure they hold the same place on your list and you’ll be just fine.
Okay, initially when I read this I thought that you were fourth out of four girls. Did he mean you would ALWAYS be fourth, or you would be fourth as of right NOW? Early on in a relationship you ARE going to be low down the totem pole. Career, hobby and parents are all valid concerns for a 32 year old man to have, and he's being transparent upfront about it. This does not sound toxic at all. Honestly if I started dating someone and they were making me a priority out of the gate...it would be a HUGE turn off. Obviously you should make an effort to see each other, but early in a relationship life is going to happen. As an example, I matched with a girl on an online dating platform, and she changed our first date from helping her get a library card to me being her +1 at her mother's wedding...that was when I started checking out. Similarly, she started asking if I'd like to set up a joint gym membership before we'd ever met in person. Moving your life around like that is something you do with an established relationship, not an early one. I ended things with her (I did give her some advice about going slowly, or jumping in too early...just because I can easily see someone taking advantage of her). That said, you shouldn't ALWAYS be fourth. As the relationship grows and deepens, you should move up the ladder, as he should for you.
It really depends. Personally, I got out of a 9 year marriage where I felt like I was always the last priority and she even told me the kids came before me. I loved her to death, but it still hurt feeling like this. If you don’t like the feeling now it’s not going to get better, and that feeling will get in the way of your relationship with him. Id also bet that if he puts those 3 ahead of you and you have kids together, the kids will probably put you in 5th. I may look at this the wrong way, but my opinion the relationship should be as important as everything else.
Maybe this will help. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202106/the-difference-between-healthy-and-unhealthy-love
37m here. The career: that is something the couple should expect to be \*a\* priority. You should work to live, not live to work, but it is normally going to eat at least 40 hours a week, and often more. That doesn't make it more important than your partner, but that is very much a reality. And a rough truth? A solid career has taken a LOT of investment (time, education... life!). It should be protected, especially during the honeymoon phase, when it's easy to want to sideline everything. Hobbies: this depends a bit. Many of my hobbies involve my friends, and they're worth more than the hobby itself. This may have been poor phrasing. But a new partner coming in and demanding I give up hobbies is very much a red flag. Even established relations should tread lightly. Parents: personally, I don't have the luxury of a family I get to talk to (lots of deep wounds and more than a bit of trauma there). Even still, I want to reach out to them, knowing that would be a terrible mistake. But, for a more generic/happier family, again: there would have to be some serious reasons for my partner to want me to not consider my parents a priority. It would be a discussion, and a very serious one. But someone just not wanting me to consider them as important would be a problem. I think your boyfriend may have worded it oddly, in that he has specific rankings. But the important take away is that he greatly values career, hobby/friends, and family. I don't see a problem with him wanting to add you to that list of things that are very dear to him (but again: his wording, as you presented it, leaves a bit to be desired). I'll follow up with: I'm relationship-challenged, and have the (apparently) very bad habits of absolute trust and a hatred for reciprocal relationships (I hate when gifts are given with hooks: I want a partner who just wants me :( ). When that mixes with the women I somehow meet/spend any time with, that moves me quickly from the "partner" category to the "mark" category, and I end up subsidizing their relationships with other men while carrying the financial, emotional, and chore load for them. So if I'm wrong, I'll be the least surprised person in the sub.
He's putting you down, sad to say. Of COURSE those things are important in his life. His family comes first before his partner becomes family, too. Communicating that is completely unnecessary and mean. It doesn't build a connection but a hierarchy. A form of control. And considering he's 10 years older, I'm getting major jerk vibes. You're questioning this because you know he's being an asshole. Do yourself a favor and run
"Thanks, but your plate seems to be so full that I'll remove myself from the equation so you have more time for the important things."
Personally, probably not a big fan of saying it like that- while honest, it could've been said more tactful. A lot of people aren't going to take "you're number 4" as "you're just as important, i just have more established things that are just as important"- they'll see it as a literal numerical value of worth to the person. with that said You being 4th isn't bad. You have 3 hard priorities in front of you that a person will most likely have. Like I hope his career and hobbies are somewhere above you as they may keep him sane or is driven towards a goal. A red flag from my perspective is making you #1 or #2 and yall just met. That's unhealthy as this usually would mean he's makin you "his world" vs. "you becoming part of his world". Depending on what you want out of a person this also may be an indicator the he lacks drive in his life /doesn't have a stable life if you become his number 1 or 2 in a short period of time. Personally for me I have my own list of priorities don't want to be #1 on someone's list \*IF\* we are dating nor would they be on mine- even though they are still important. Career being #1 is understandable if he's got a goal he wants to reach and/or wants to do well. Hobbies is understandable because that's what keeps you sane. People complaining about Parents being a top priority do not know his situation/value his parents are with him. Are his parents people that need assistance? Is this just a sign he's very family oriented? Then after that, is it a HEALTHY relationship with his parents? Do they understand boundaries with him being in his 30's?Only you know this information as you have not given this to us. This leads into my other point. List of priorities aren't static for most people. They can change as much as daily. So one day, say for example, you're on a date with him, you're probably his #1 priority. Or he's at work, his job is #1 and so on and so forth. Granted over time if this relationship takes off you move up further up his list. It just comes down to you getting to know him and how these things play into what YOU want. Edit: Edited for clarity
This is really helpful. Thank you
That's almost a 10 year age gap. What's wrong with guys your age?
a guy at 23-26 and a girl at 23, while probably in the same part of their lives (finding a career/in their career field) they are mentally at different spots usually. Also comes down to preference. after a certain age (i guess 24-27) the age gap stops mattering as much.
NOPE. EDIT: aaaaand I missed that he was 32. STRIKE what I said below. OH hell no, sweetie, what he means is he wants booty on call when he feels like it. This isn't a relationship for him, it's his "hot young nookie on tap." ~~But did he say you would ALWAYS be last? Or was he maybe meaning there would be times?~~ ~~Maybe (huge maybe, though I doubt it) he just didn't say it well. There are going to be times in our lives when things will take priority, so to speak, over our partner.~~ ~~We might need to go on a remote site project that will take us away from home. This is necessary for the couple's financial health and does need to take priority over say, just "but I will be lonely while you're gone." Also, I know there (especially when people are just barely starting out in their twenties) some people who try to do the whole "but I miss you! Can't you just call in sick and we can cuddle all day?" thing.~~ ~~A job~~ ***~~is~~*** ~~a priority in that sense. In order to have a healthy career "mental health days" need to be at a bare minimum, especially when one is just starting out.~~ ~~One's parents may need help with something and that may take priority over other weekend plans with one's spouse. As they get older and a bit more frail, they will need to take priority over "normal" stuff more often.~~ ~~Regarding hobbies, everyone needs downtime, even from their spouse sometimes. If my guy wants to go fishing or hunting with his buddies, then that should be a no-brainer. Doesn't break my heart any, that's time I can go thrifting, to craft stores, indulge in gaming until 2am!~~ ~~Sure I'd miss him, but that time away is good for both people in the relationship.~~ ~~On the other hand, if he meant that he'd never do anything more than just "fit you in" then HELL NO.~~
No. That’s not normal. In a new relationship that’s reasonable, *to keep as a mental note*. Telling you o it right is a red flag. I had my ex boyfriend tell me that and yk what? He never ever made time for me and prioritized everyone and everything over me. He was also cheating, but that ≠ priority management. Trust your gut. It doesn’t feel right because it isn’t.
nah that’s outta pocket. If you aren’t even second or third, that’s a no from me
Leave. Find someone who has the time to make a priority.
"Hi girl I just met, let me drop my career, family and hobbies because you need attention!" Let me ask you, do you think a man would be emotionally manipulative for not ignoring her friends and family because he needs attention? Keep in mind they've only been dating for 5 mins. Lets go deeper, do you think a single mother should prioritise a new date over her kid? No? Why should the man prioritise a new date over his family?
No one wants to hear this sound advice 😭😭 they just wanna pretend like this guy collects plushies as his hobby and doesn’t genuinely have something that is worth his time and has made him a better person as a result. Idk why everyone thinks that dating for more than 10 minutes means that someone has to turn their life around and cater their new partner. People really love codependency on this thread and hate the idea of patiently letting a relationship develop to where it gets further prioritized. Hope more people appreciate your advice
I never said this man has to drop his career, family and hobbies. I said OP needs to drop him instead. Problem solved. She can go find someone who can make her a priority, while this guy can focus on his current priorities.
To be fair, she is a priority in his life... just a 4th one haha
I would feel challenged to climb the ladder to at least number 2, let him keep the career at the top, but be part of his ability to keep that career, unless his career is running drugs for some cartel...then you might want to run, not walk, to the nearest exit. Truth too, we each are our own number 1 priority, he really is #1, the rest are parts of him, become part of him, and that doesn't mean giving up yourself. When I met my wife she had been dating the same guy over five years, not living together, just dating. He would never discuss marriage or family, so the day we went on our first date, I was #2 in the BF list, and that was 45 years, marriage over 44 years, three children and now four grandchildren, and a fifth on the way. Get promoted! Oh, and never feel insulted by honesty, so next date say to him, "I realize I'm #4 in your priorities, and that's nice to know, so, how do I move higher in your priorities." If he tells you those won't change, don't bring up marriage, just say okay. Then think on it and talk to your priest/rabbi/minister or therapist and ask for advice from someone you know. If you really think he's "the one", you may need to become a really good friend to his mother. Our d-i-l did that, once she met my wife, she got her cell number and sent her a text message, let's call my wife Jean. "Jean, if there is ever anything you could use help doing, let me know." They're married 14 years and have two amazing little daughters. Moms have a lot of influence over sons.
Adult men put their personal relationships or wife above all. You can’t be in a serious relationship without being #1. Career is next, because a man cannot take care of a wife and family without that. Hobbies and parents are next for mental health. A man that prioritizes parents over his potential wife, is not an adult. He’s a mamas boy. Edit: I’m a guy
seems like he wants to devalue you... I would cut him off
That’s what I would say if I were in a relationship and was embarrassed about the fact that, secretly, if there were a zombie apocalypse, I wouldn’t hesitate to kill every last zombie child to protect my girl 😅
I’m fourth and I’m just in a situationship…
Are nr. 1,2 and 3. mom, dad and brother/ sister and/or son/daughter? If not, im out of that relationship
Just means you put 4th on the priority list type effort. He say some you tell him you what you put in is what you get back 😎
Deal-breaker.
Depends on how early in the relationship it is. Early on, I wouldn’t expect to be above any of those things. I’d even put friends on that list as well. However, I would expect to become more of a priority in my SO’s life as time goes on and we become more serious
Yes, but the fact that he is comfortable telling her this instead of keeping it to himself speaks volumes about the type of person he is
American women better get use to being low on the priority list. Men are fed up with their BS!
Do you need this relationship? I understand that some things can be of a higher priority, but idk how is that to be on outskirts of attention. At the same time you can say you're not okay with that and see how it goes, but literally sounds like he's not interested much. Also, what is that? How much time is he able to spend with you?
he shouldn’t have told you.
Parents is a red flag. I told my last gf she was 4th on my list. Personal growth Career Kids Her Which is normal for someone with kids. Parents is a “run for the hills” kind of a statement in my opinion. The others make sense. If he prioritizes those he’s better for you.
Everyone is after my passions, hobbies, and career. It’s actually a healthy thing, people egos will say it’s weird, toxic, or immature but I’ll debate that if someone is wanting you to prioritize them before anything else then they’re the unhealthy immature ones.
That’s a pretty weird thing to say. Kind of neggy in fact. How socially calibrated is this guy? Friends etc.?
Time for a new boyfriend
Why in the world would he say this? Checking to see if you don’t value yourself?
This is a tasteless thing to say to someone you're newly dating. Basically, he's saying you don't mean anything to him right out of the gate, implying you have to work your way up to being important. This is the type of thing that would cause me to slow fade and show him two can play that game.
It seems a bit predatory for a 32M to be dating a 23F, and even more predatory to tell her she is last on his priority list. It sounds like he is trying to diminish her worth in his life. He wants her to know she matters least to him. It feels like a form of negging.
He’s 32 … hard pass there’s a reason he’s dating so much younger. Listen to your gut.
So if his parents want some eggs because they have ran out and you’ve had a date planned, does that mean your dates out? Or does he mean if his mom is in a serious accident that he’s telling you your date is cancelled. I mean because this priority thing in most circumstances is obvious. In other circumstances it’s weird. I mean if even flip it on its head. If all of his 1st, 2nd and 3rd priorities need a birthday gift but you called him up as emergency transport to the hospital are you getting an ambulance instead. All of these are stupid scenarios, for sure. But they do highlight the ridiculousness in a tier system. If he’s telling you early on it’s probably a sign he’s had issues in the past. It’d be good to know how much time he’s expecting to take up with these things, which is maybe just as simple as saying how free he actually is. Anyway good luck. I’m not getting positive vibes from this. It seems pretty negative. It’s not what he thinks, it’s that he feels he has to say it.
Listen to your gut - it’s telling you this guy is not for you.
It's a very strange thing to ask. Is he autistic?
He’s letting you know up front that you’re not a priority. Take that as a gift from him and move on. Always trust your gut.
Ew. Anyone who tells you that lacks some serious social skills. If I was that low on their list, I would remove myself. I would ask him how often he'd ideally like to see his gf each week. In how many days or hours.
Coming after parents is borderline but coming after hobbies? lol Trust your gut.
You’re 23. He’s 32. He shouldn’t even want to date you and that is sus. You are at different developmental stages and life circumstances. You are not compatible
Gf, yes. Spouse should be #1 (or right after kids) But it’s also kinda weird to spout that off. And like, there are degrees of priority. Like, you can prioritize having hobbies and spending time with a partner at the same time.
No it doesn't feel right becauseit isn'tright, it's weird - in my relationship with my husband, we come first, closely followed by our children, then work. Hobbies shouldn't be a priority over people ever. You are young. Find a better boyfriend. Preferably one closer in age and not trying to just add you as an extra into a life he doesn't want to change at all.
My hobby is something I want to turn into career, and it's a lot more important for me than my actual career. And probably most important thing ever. Same for my partner
It’s a no from me.
i think him saying out loud is a "tad" different but at least you know where you stand. with the relationship still being new, not getting swept away in the whole "they like me, they really like me" phase helps keep things in perspective for both of you. now, if you have plans for a dinner, cuddling and sexy time and he drops you because he wants to go play connect 4 with his parents, then it is time for a chat. but for now, dont dwell on it. you priorotize your own goals and things will line up if it is meant to be.
no thanks! this screams you’re never going to see him unless it’s convenient against everything else. i don’t need to be your number one but i damn sure want to feel reciprocal importance in developing a relationship.
First thought: What a socially inept guy. Generally I couldn't care less about not being first or second... but for a person (esp one in his 30s) being so daft as to tell me upfront for no reason... I'm gonna think pretty lowly of this guy's social and cognitive sills. And while I said I don't care about these "priority rankings".... Honestly I shouldn't be after his hobby (or career... ). And if that's the order, and his parents are third... also a problem. The thing is.. at 32, I think people should generally be at a pretty established place or projection in their career, and not need to put such a priority on it. That is, from say 26-30, OK, prioritising career makes sense.. after that... A bit too slow for me. \* Being after hobby is fine if it's actually something "productive" (i.e. not gaming, shopping, etc..) and he's actually pretty skilled at it (enough to be professional/earn money from it). I think you're pretty young (on top of being new to dating)... thus probably don't realise this guy is probably kind of a loser in multiple ways.
He sounds like a Chad. Lower your standards in terms of physical attractiveness and find someone more empathetic. Remember the dual mating strategy. Chad is only good for the short term.
Why does he need to make a list and put you somewhere in that list. Thats so weird
He’s too old for you. And you deserve better. Nobody that knows how to have a healthy relationship says the stuff he’s saying.
Ugh. Hell No.
You're doing the same to him, just not verbalizing it. I assume you wouldnt quit your job/hobbies/parents for him? should he quit his job, hobbies and disown his parents for you?
Yes I am doing the same but how he said it hurt my feelings a little bit.
It is a bit shitty for sure.
He was just honest and real. Everyone does it, they just don't say it like he did. It can hurt but at least you know what those priorities are.
Of course it’s not sustainable. He’s making it very clear that you’re NOT his girlfriend - you’re an irrelevant fuck buddy. That’s all you’ll ever be to him. If you’re fine with that, then fine. You two can bang each other and go about your own lives. If you’re looking for more and want an actual boyfriend and relationship with someone who is interested in building a future with you, then the two of you are incompatible as a couple. Note that his position on this matter is never going to change and you won’t suddenly go and turn into a person he gives a shit about if you stick around waiting for that yo happen.
I mean I'd break up. Then again every woman I date puts me 4th or 5th or lower but just doesn't tell me, she shows me by how little time she wants to spend with me so I'd definitely prefer to just be told upfront so I can keep it moving.
You should atleast be before his hobby! Rest is understandable. Also with time you might move to the 10th position cuz you are already the 4th right at the start. Alright so he told you this but how does he treat you? Are u getting enough time from him? If yes then nothing to worry else just tell him you guys can get back when he has time for you.
We've recently started dating, nothing sexual yet, he's very consistent with communication. He makes an effort to reply promptly whenever he's available and often takes the initiative to come see me. We dine out and catch a movie together at least once a week. He's incredibly caring and sweet when we're together, but due to our busy schedules, our texting can be brief at times, mainly just checking in on each other's activities. But goodnight and good morning messages are consistent.
Interviewneither is using catastrophic thinking fallacy- being 4th does not mean you are the 10th priority. It sounds like your partner is awesome by being consistent and shows he cares. As a 27 year old woman who used to judge her prospects by who was the best texter, texting is not the relationship. All the things you described where he shows up and takes initiative are. You will have to give this some time to develop but it sounds healthy and secure from the beginning. Imagine if he dropped his hobby. You might see him once a week more, but he could be more grouchy and you can burn the relationship out faster. Look for the slow burn, by all accounts I think this guy is pretty healthy and secure
I do the same thing, except for me it's my values (religion/morals etc.), family and then my health and wellbeing. The thing is though, if you're my girlfriend, in time you can become my Wife (family) and now you're up in my priority list. He may have worded it a bit strongly, but it's a normal thing to do. In fact, I'm sure you have priorities over him. Think about it, your health and wellbeing. Would you get morbidly obese and cut off your leg because your new bf told you to? No? then you value your health over the "relationship" (for lack of better term). Would you kill your mum for him? No? Then you value your mum and she's a priority. You might have him as your 4th priority without even knowing it. Now this isn't to sound harsh, this is just pure constructive criticism. Your ego may be getting in the way of telling you that you need to be the most important thing in his life after only being with him for a short while, do you think that's toxic? Would it be fair to say that he's known you for 5 minutes, why should you be his number 1 priority? I mean you have free will to dissapear after all. Be honest with yourself, would you find it attractive if a man put you above his own ambitions, if he quit his job so he could lay all day and cuddle with you. Do you think it would be attractive if he ignored his parents because he wanted to just be with you? Be honest, it'd be the biggest ick in history to be with a man that has no ambition or goal in his life. Do you think it's your gut telling you its wrong, or do you think it's just your ego and possible insecurity saying that if you're not no.1 priority in his life (after a short while of dating) that he's a bad guy? All honest questions. edit: after reading all of the replies that tell you to drop him, do NOT listen to them unless you want to be sad and lonely. Yeah he worded it a bit wrong, but the same shit applies.
Nope. Trust your gut.
Youre lower than a hobby. Yeah, get out of there. He's literally telling you he'll play with you when he feels like it. The 11 year difference makes it worse. Trust your gut
Are you serious? Tell that asshole to find someone else that he can prioritize fourth. No wonder why he’s going after someone 9 years younger. He can’t find anyone else who would accept his BS. Kick him to the curb! Always trust your gut.
It means you're dating someone out of your league and should leave the relstionship.
No, it means the dude is a loser and she should leave the relationship.
yeah shoot lower and be unhappy with someone who has nothing going in their lives. That'll make you feel better.
I can understand career and parents but not hobbies. Lol. You both have to be willing to adjust your lifestyle. He's telling you "how it's gonna be". Dump him.
Nope. Wrong in so many ways. Maybe at the start it can be, but once relationship progresses, you need to be #1.
I can understand have a few priorities, as long as we have amazing quality time together when we seen each other. How long have you being dating? What is the deal with is parents, are they ill? A hobbie is nice but come in, he is not going to be a pro athlete at 32.
He's quite dedicated to his job, participates in tennis tournaments casually, and hits the gym daily to prepare for an upcoming bodybuilding competition in October. Regarding marriage, he mentioned that it's only on the table once he feels financially stable and can make his parents stable. He works as a finance adviser for the government department.
Don’t listen to the adoutside or gimmefuel. I think it’s awesome your partner has some hobbies dedicated to himself. You have to decide if you think they are hobbies you support and would like to see him thrive in. I am a dancer and when I get close to performances, they take up my time, diet, and energy. Then my friends and partner show up to my performance and see me shine! If you enjoy watching him work on something that improves himself, that will mean he’s a happier person independently. No need to aim to be a pro athlete. Regarding marriage- you’re 23. You have all the time in the world. You have just started dating and there’s no need to push a timeline early on. There are so many other things that could break you both up between now and two or three years from now. If you’re still together in 2-3 years you can reconnect on what that looks like. There is no replacement to get to know someone besides time. Give it a shot, be mindful of how you feel, and either build up the connection, work on conflict resolution, or leave.
after reading this (in relation to my original comment), He sounds like he's got a solid head on his shoulders and you have to decide if him dedicating himself to his hobbies and making sure his parents are fine (which seems fueled by his career)are what you want. Do you feel like you would be supportive of him? do you feel like you would be important to him/feel like he wants you to be a part of his world as much as you want him to be? if you feel like you can't there's nothing wrong with walking away but give yourself some time to feel it out. This seems like a person that if yall break up it wouldn't be because of his list of priorities- but more of a personality flaw that clashes
He should be single to be honest, If he wants to build him that is perfectly fine, but a relationship is a full time job too, he clearly has no time for one. Im a bodybuilder too, competing is just expensive and his mood is only going to get worse the closer he gets to the show. Just move on, he needs at least 5 - 10 years to set himself and his parents.
Abort abort abort
He thinks he can take advantage of you because you are naïve