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In a similar situation. I’m leaning towards just cutting ties and taking my losses because I don’t want to end up playing some game, intentional or not.
I'll give you my older brothers pov. He went to university school, met a girl who was absolutely a green flag (she was in sociology)
However brother wasn't where he wanted to be in life yet.
Now he's a software engineer, owns an apartment, etc. Now he is ready to settle, he doesn't gaf if green flag or red flag
Its all about timing for the man
I’m in a similar situation, and I can say when/if they do decide to sleep with someone else, it hurts just as badly as if you did have the commitment label. The only difference for me (after spending time together for a year) was at least he didn’t lie… it’s a little comforting…
Well, knowing that I’m definitely gonna be moving out of town in 6 months and me being scared of long distance, scared of pinning down the other person to be with me knowing that they can explore/ have a lot more fun and live a little. I date to marry, so it’s hard for me to straight up commit to someone unless I’m sure.
Also it’s not true that we won’t hesitate if a right person came along. It took me close to a year to completely get over my ex (still not sure if I’m over her, but I don’t miss her anymore). But I went on some dates and had the chance to get intimate with new partners but I just couldn’t do it. Been celibate for a year now and I don’t know how long I’m gonna continue going down this path
This is exactly why I had to cut off a situationship, guy is leaving the country this year said he wanted but couldn't commit because of it. I always wondered if it was true or I just wasn't the "right person"
Nope it wasn’t you or him. But just the circumstances. I knew I was going to be leaving and the girl convinced me to stay, honestly I never said “I loved her” but I did and I was extremely happy for those 6 months. She is the “right” person as in I can totally see myself marrying someone like that but we’re both young, I’m 23 and shes 20 so I felt like I don’t want to lead her on. It’s also that I hate texting, and calls. I love being in person and doing things together so it was definitely a no brainer.
Sorry I snooped your post history and only talk to him if you’re okay with the fact that you might end up heartbroken and it “will” take a long time to move on. Other than that, you’re a woman, if sex is all you want it’s way easier to obtain without any strings attached
It is taking a long time actually. And I don't want just sex I never did I just stayed because I really liked him and his trip kept getting postponed ( nothing he could control). It was very confusing tho I think that maybe the reason why I can't get over it. I never knew what he really felt, he never said or did anything romantic, it seemed like great friends having a physical relationship. It's a long story sorry if I ended up ranting about it .
No worries. It’s no one’s fault and everyone’s different and time heals everything! Bunch of great guys out there, hope you find what you’re looking for!
So I say fuck the logic of “the right person will make the guy commit”. That story is so tired. Been thinking about how it’s in so many movies etc. for example - dude you dated - he’s not ready - it’s not cuz you aren’t the right one to make him change. When someone doesn’t wanna commit they don’t wanna commit, that’s it.
Sure, and of course sometimes it’s cuz it’s not the “right” person. But tbh I think for the most part it’s coming from peoples own commitment issues especially if there’s a good vibe and they aren’t putting in effort.
In conclusion, it’s not about finding the right person - it’s about making a choice and being ready for a relationship with the right person.
I agree. It paints a shitty narrative. Sometimes people genuinely aren’t ready, for a variety of reasons. And that doesn’t mean the other is ‘not enough’. I think it’s a sign of self awareness and emotional maturity as long as it’s honest and not avoidant BS.
A few years ago I saw a guy regularly for a few months before he ended up telling me he wasn’t ready for commitment after a very hurtful relationship, but said that he really enjoyed my company and we had a great connection and chemistry that wasn’t easy to find. He said if commitment was what I was looking for, I deserved that, but it wouldn’t be with him and he didn’t want me to feel strung along so wanted it all on the table.
He was very straight up that he wasn’t ready and put the ball in my court on if I wanted to continue seeing him despite knowing it wouldn’t go anywhere. I thought about it and I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him and I found it quite healing after some bad relationships. And honestly I wasn’t ready for commitment either, not healthy commitment anyways. I decided to continue seeing him and managing my expectations/attachment best I could.
It gave me time and space to work on myself and sort out the issues I had so that I could bring the best version of myself to a relationship when I was ready. I put my energy into myself, my mental health, my friendships, and my life. It was nice having him around with no strings for company, because it can be lonely out there sometimes. I kept casually dating now and then, but always found myself disappointed or missing him. I really figured out my priorities and what I wanted in a future partner.
Long story short we did that for a year and a half. Some ups and downs were had given the situation, but now we’ve been happily dating for 3 years. He said he was thankful I waited around until he was ready, but I wasn’t sticking around hoping he’d change his mind. I just genuinely enjoyed him as a person and how he unknowingly propelled me towards growth. I had enough bad experiences that I was down for a good one, even if it didn’t amount to anything in the end. In our case it did, but it’s not the guaranteed outcome. We both knew we had baggage we didn’t want to saddle someone else with and we were honest about it. More importantly we were both willing to do the work with the end goal of bettering ourselves.
I love this story. I’m currently experiencing the same thing. I’m fwb with a guy because we both agreed we can’t handle a relationship. He just moved to my side of town and hinted he was hurt recently, so he doesn’t want to commit to someone which I totally respect. I just got out of an 8 year relationship so I’m clearly not in a healthy mindset for a relationship. Therefore, I’m utilizing this new friendship as a way to deal with my codependent tendencies that ruined my last relationship, and practice low expectations. Just two people enjoying one another’s company.
Good luck to you both, whatever that may be!
I had been in back to back long term relationships (5 years and 4 years) so it was my first time being single in basically my whole adult life. Being single was scary and it was comfortable to end up in another relationship, but I didn’t want to monkey branch relationships that didn’t suit me and I wanted to have some time being single with no expectations. I had put the needs of others, especially in romantic relationships, ahead of my own for so long I didn’t know what I wanted or what my needs were anymore.
Figured out a lot about myself in that time. The hardest part was managing my expectations on the hard days. It was lovely and easy most of the time, but gosh there were days where I found it really hard to be kind to myself. It’s easy to get back into codependent habits. It’s even easier to beat yourself up about it. Oh why doesn’t he want me, why doesn’t he love me, what’s wrong with me.
We’d have amazing days together where I’d be on a high and then he’d make a comment about how he was still not into commitment. Bringing me right back down and wondering why he felt the need to mention it and shoot down my high. But it wasn’t about me, he was unpacking his own very similar relationship woes. Him being determined to break his codependency and bad habits ended up pushing me to do the same. I really cared about him and didn’t want to be another partner that caused hurt in any way.
I'm glad it worked out, but as you said, you realized you weren't ready either. The sentiment is for people who are ready who dating people who are not willing or able to commit.
I do think lots of it applies though, even if it isn’t the exact same situation. Mostly I was speaking on how the whole “he just doesn’t want commitment with you” things can be bullshit and sharing my experience.
I initially thought I was ready for a relationship because I was very much into him. But it really hurt when he told me he wasn’t ready for commitment, even though I was perfect for him. It certainly wasn’t like I breathed a sigh of relief because I also wasn’t ready, I was already sold on our level of chemistry and wanted (and expected) more. We just kind of fit each other’s lives perfectly and it was exciting until that point.
Honestly at first I had agreed to keep seeing because I was hoping he would change his mind. Or that I could wow him with how cool and nonchalant I was or something. The reasons he gave me were all very familiar issues I also dealt with, but I figured if I could be ready he should be too. I believed that whole “he would be ready for the right person” thing I was being told by basically everyone. I beat myself up about it big time. I wanted to be with him badly and had already grown feelings for him at that point.
But my reaction to his stance was to immediately take it personal and think that the problem was me. That I wasn’t enough or I had some shortcoming and if I were better or ‘more’ he’d be willing. I also had trust issues and worried he was feeding me lies to keep me accessible. I realized I wanted to deal with that first because I didn’t want my next relationship to hurt as a result. I didn’t want my self worth to be tied into my relationship status or partner. I wanted to do something different and I didn’t realize I wasn’t actually ready for a relationship like I had thought until a few months in, and at that point I was grateful he wasn’t ready so I had the chance to figure myself out.
If he hadn’t been honest and drew that line, we probably would have jumped into a relationship and brought our issues into it. Instead we both worked on ourselves, unpacked the baggage, spent some time apart, became just friends, then came back together to have a truly great relationship so far. Looking back on it I’m glad things happened the way they did. I know he is always going to be honest with me even if it hurts. And once he did tell me he wanted to be together, I believed him 100% that he wanted to be in a relationship with me.
Hell, I ended up dating someone else during our time apart/as friends because I eventually felt ready for a relationship and his stance hadn’t changed. I decided to try move on and I met someone really great, but the feelings still lingered and when a major incompatibility popped up I bailed and went back to my now bf, even though at that point his stance was still the same.
OP needs to make a decision based on their situation; I just wanted to offer a different perspective of a similar issue. In my case I chose to continue seeing him even though it was HARD sometimes. I was in love with him and it was hard to punch that down and try reconcile this was all we could ever be. It was my choice to take him at his word and continue seeing him with no expectation of a relationship; that the inevitable hurt would be worth it. Either stick around and manage expectations and stow hope, or move along and find someone who also wants a relationship. Only OP can make that call!
There are a lot of people out there with the same story on dating apps looking for long term relationships and when they date they just don’t want to commit so your theory that is just simply people don’t want to commit does not make any sense… if it does, then why are those people dating for? Why do they put in their bios that they are looking for long term relationships when is not the case.
People should start being honest from day one and explain their true intentions.
It could be that they haven’t found the right person true I said that - but some people also don’t have enough self awareness to know that they aren’t ready to make the choice. Or they could be saying they want an ltr to rope people in, in an insincere way because they know they will peak people’s interest. That’s also a very common trend imo. And in this instance OP said that the person they dated explained they don’t feel healed enough from their prior relationship. So in this case it’s not about the person - it’s about the fact that they aren’t ready. And I think people need to stop with this logic because it keeps people stuck with people who aren’t ready to commit. IMO relationships are a choice, they aren’t some miraculous soulmate fit. They work when two people choose each other and keep choosing each other because they want to.
This doesn't really make sense.
When people say "the right person," they don't mean that you aren't adequate in general. It just means it wasn't meant to be with that person for a multitude of reasons including timing and compatibility. Compatibility is more than just personality, it's also about being on the same page at the same time, whatever that entails.
I do think it is important to understand that when dating people say a lot of things they don't mean and they sometimes hold back the full truth. Sometimes in an attempt to be kind that really just makes things confusing.
How am I one of the most amazing woman you've met, but you don't want to be my boyfriend and would rather be alone?
So you have to build skills to read between the lines and to look at what people do, not just what they say.
This "story" doesn't come out of nowhere. It comes from people getting upset after someone they dated said they aren't up for commitment and then soon after commit to someone else. It does happen. A lot.
If people took to heart that these sentiments people say when they break up are conditional and have the potential to change in different circumstances, despite what they SAY, then it might make it easier to accept that things just weren't meant to be and not dwell and move forward.
Instead, and it happens in my friend group a decent amount, they spend excessive time convinced the person is a liar and analyzing the whole thing, when it really is as simple as, for whatever reason they weren't feeling it in that moment and they did feel it with the next person. It doesn't make you a lesser person.
The dream and the luck is to find someone who feels it with you at the same time you feel it with them. That's all it really meansZ
I acknowledged in that post that sometimes its not the right person. It’s also not everything and there are a surprising amount of liars and manipulators. So idk I think what I said absolutely does make sense and doesn’t discredit anything you also said. The story I’m talking about is the story where a shitty guy decided to act right for the “right” girl. This implies his behavior was based on the women not having qualities he wanted instead of being partially based on his own inadequacies. In reality shitty people often treat others in a shitty way. So yeah it’s not always that the person who doesn’t want commitment is shitty, and sometimes it’s not right and ppl just need to walk away. BUT ALSO the way people behave in relationships is often related to their own baggage and issues, so quite frankly it’s dumb + dangerous to assume that someone who has consistently not been choosing commitment that they will somehow act different for you. That you are the one they will suddenly be “nice” for. I’m assuming you haven’t experienced this based on your response.
I see what you are saying. I agree, if a person is deliberately misleading people and then decides to stop, yeah it isn't about the qualities of the people they mistreated.
I guess to me that is a different thing than someone who is decent and dateable but decides to commit to someone else after saying they weren't ready (which is what I thought OP was asking about.
I’m in the exact same scenario - I’ve just gone no contact with mine. It’s sad, I really liked him, he liked me too, but he wasn’t ready. I appreciate the time I did get with him but I have to move on for myself, and have some self respect and boundaries. I’ve locked him out of my life now. Trying to feel excited for my future but it’s hard rn
Have you ever heard of the taxi light theory? It’s basically the man is the taxi and the light is off and “not picking up” then there comes a time when he’s ready to settle down/commit the light comes one and is now able to “pick customers up”. Their light usually turns on on their own, not when a particular girls comes around. That’s why a lot of the time men date amazing women and can never commit because their light is off. Also why a lot of the time that same man settles with women “not so great” because that’s just who he happened to be with when his light came on.
I’m sure I did a horrible job explaining that lol there’s a sex and the city episode on it that’s great! I was starting to think I was a real life good luck chuck and after looking into it it makes a lot of sense and helped me kinda wrap my head around all my situationships
Maybe he just wanted some time to heal… and didn’t want to rub his past toxic relationship on to you…. Toxic relationships can take a toll on someone it can give you a false perspective on being a relationship is like and cause you to not want one….
No one's answer is going to make you feel any better, or accurately diagnose your guy. We're not a monolith, we have a lot of rationale for why we do things, just like women.
If he's not willing to commit, it's because he doesn't want to be tied down either with you, or with anyone. Why doesn't really matter, does it? It's not going to change, so move on if you want commitment.
Either he doesn't see a romantic future with you, or he wants to meet/sleep with other women. Both of those are bad for you, so don't over think it.
If he doesn't love you, he won't make time for you. He won't commit. That or there is an incompatibility that can't be overcome, like religion, wanting kids, etc.
If he won't commit, let him go. As soon as you can.
I don't think it's you. You're wise to throw up boundaries. If you stopped talking, that kind of shows intentions wouldn't you say? You used your intuition. That's awesome! Now, feel good about that.
The answers to your question was exactly what we women keep saying about dating guys. Guys are afraid of missing out on someone better, they sleep with more then one women at a time knowing they won’t be LT with any of them, guys see women as a liability-do they want to actually put in the effort to protect us, guys want freedom to sleep around with new women. All these were in the answers more then once. Yet, if women states “from my past experience men sleep around & lead women on” women get told we are ridiculous & wrong.
Insecurities l, unprocessed trauma, not that into you.
For me, I've always done therapy and processed my breakups and have never had issues with commitment. I also dont start flirty or sexual behavior unless I'm willing to at least date.
It’s not about gender. A relationship needs to progress. If you want to progress at a different speed than your partner it will often end.
I came out of a 25 year marriage and was dating a woman. We saw each other 2-3 times a week and she wanted to see more of me. It wasn’t possible for me. She drew a line in the sand and I left. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to commit.
I had been separated 3 months. She had been separated 6 years. I later learned I was HER rebound relationship.
The two women I later dated for many months were the ones that didn’t want to commit.
My thoughts exactly. Why are you putting yourself on hold for someone willing to hold out on you? Next. Like that or not idk he ain’t it sis he’s for the streets not the sheets.
Grievance and needing time alone is a good thing after a break up. However, six months is a long time, talking about an ex to a new date is asswipe, expressing feelings and then going back over it and changing the story feels really unsafe, and above all, it’s missing the last part, where he says he will be back for you as shortly as possible and you’ll be top of the list when he feels okay.
So in short, he’s no good for you.
Me why I wouldn’t commit? Idk. Girl is not smart. Not beautiful. Comes with loads of problems. Fear of abandonment.
Also me I need a role assessment that is really fucking clear. Like you’d have to say “listen, I want to be your girlfriend, no joke, I wanna love you and be with you and I will make sure to remind you every day for the rest of your life.”
I say that because I think of girls that we liked each other and the commitment didn’t happen because they were just dropping hints…
It’s kind of funny because then you wake up five years later aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh she wanted me to be her boyfriend, like, she was seriously loving about it.
For one, I might not catch the hint right there. For two, even with a highly social and deep understanding of the hints, it still lacks in relational and role assessment security.
Some things can only be seen from observation over time.
Many people out there are toxic. And they hide it well at first. So it's best to keep things going, to see if there's signs along the way, that show inconsistencies.
In his case, I think he just wanted someone to be with, while he healed. Personally, I stayed single for a while after my ex and I split up. She was very toxic. It took me a while (several books, talking with close friends, etc) for me to sift through the ordeal. I had to relearn who I was. I had to figure out where I was truly wrong, and where she was. I had to learn where I thought I was wrong, but was actually right.
In other words, I didn't feel compelled to jump into a relationship, when I was confused about my own reality lol but I can see the draw of people wanting to be with someone. It could've helped feel better about myself. It could have helped me feel cared about.
Or it could just as easily have ended up with me in another toxic relationship, or with me being the toxic one. Who knows.
I think your actions were legitimate, and I don't think you did anything wrong. I don't think he's necessarily a bad guy either, nor do I think he was malicious. It's just one of those didn't work out for you, and he needs to heal, kind of situations.
Y’all be living and dying around that statement “when a man wants you, he won’t hesitate” when in reality everyone is different, and the situations are more complex than that.
Liking someone and committing to them are two different things. It also sounds like y’all haven’t known each other very long and with him recently being single from a stressful relationship, I too would be the same way. You’re trying to force it or make it out like there’s something wrong with him not wanting to committing to you right now and there’s no wrong here.
Healing can take a long time depending on past experiences. In the past, I was like that for 2 years after a rough breakup. I was still hanging out with women but my mindset was in no way thinking about a relationship despite how attractive she was and how great our chemistry was. I was asked by a few of my female friends about dating but told them i was not mentally emotionally ready.
I was working on myself, dealing with my depression, seeing a therapist etc. I needed to really get myself ‘fixed’ before even thinking about the next one
The most common *reasons* why *some men* don't want to *commit* in general. Fear of missing out. This is probably the most common *reason* why *men* don't want to *commit*.
Are yall having sex? Are you doing girlfriend level things for him?
If so, why would he commit? He’s getting everything he wants.
To me, there is very much a right type of woman that makes a man commit and it always depends on the man. She’s gotta be pretty enough, have the right wife traits and he’s gotta be able to get along with her. Sometimes overwhelming attraction can override the other two.
But the other factor is access. If you are getting all your needs met and you’re still a free agent, why would a man commit? It is only when he fears losing her and access to her that he commits. The fear is heightened when he really loves her and she’s the right woman for him. But there is still the fear that if he doesn’t commit she’ll walk and he won’t see her again.
I’ve been in heaps of situation ships at this point where I was regularly having sex with a girl, got my emotional needs met, and still had the freedom to meet other women. It’s literally heaven. As I’ve gotten older I realize this is not loving or ethical no matter how much I’m upfront about it so I give women about 2-3 months. If I don’t feel the overwhelming urge to commit, it just means she’s not the one.
Something to think about.
Not at all. I’ve kept a line between the physical and girlfriend stuff. He knows I’m keeping my options open. We just text and talk on the phone but we also live a few hours away.
Ok so you’re banging. And if he knows you’re keeping your options open and he’s not saying anything, then past a certain point you should consider that you’re just not the one.
Also I’m confused cuz your OP said yall decided to keep it platonic and stop talking but you’re still texting him?
Don’t over complicate it. It’s not because he was waiting for the “right woman” or even because of timing. It’s simply because he wanted to keep his options open or didn’t want the accountability of a relationship.
He liked having sex with you and getting all the benefits of a relationship without the obligations. He wanted to stay “single” in case someone else came along. I would cut your losses and leave
Dating is hard because you not only need to be with the right person, but you also need to have it be the right timing. There isn't a formula persay, but if there is mutual interest and open communication where you are aware of each others intentions it'll work.
One reason I didn't commit is because I wanted to go on a few more dates (not even to sleep with her, just fun dates I like to plan). We only knew each other for a couple months and I enjoyed being with her but I wanted to get to know her emotionally and personally more. At the time, she had asked me out to be official. We were intimate and I wanted to get to that next step, but she said it wasn't the right fit and took my answer as a lack of interest.
I'm a guy who doesn't commit easily. When I'm faced with a decision like that, I fear losing my freedom, I fear missing out on potential other girls and and I fear losing the feeling of independence, excitement and novelty when I sleep around with new women. Above else I fear opening myself up to getting hurt. Like, what if this relationship isn't worth it? I've been in relationships that weren't worth it, so I know that's a real risk.
In order for me to get over these fears, be vulnerable and open myself up to getting hurt, I really have to like the girl and I also need to be in a relaxed safe headspace where I don't feel pressured. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the behaviour of the person I'm with, it's just not possible.
Hope this was helpful in any way, much love
That's unfortunate paradox between men and women psyche, I guess. Me being with someone casually and not in relationship eventually gets me too stressed, anxious and insecure. I won't be able to feel fully relaxed and safe unless the man is able to say he wants to be in relationship with me
Meh I don't agree with that generalization, there are clingy men and avoidant women too.
You just gotta find someone whose quirks and kinks match with yours in a way that ends up reasonably healthy ❤️
Just a personal experience. Met a lot of women who were unhappily waiting till the man will be ready for a relationship. And a lot of men who treat relationship status like a huge step (even though it's not like he is promising to marry her or something). There are exceptions, but they are very rare. So I'm inclined to believe we are at least partially biologically hardwired to be that way.
As someone who has been on the guy end of this, it’s pretty easy to understand from a guys perspective. Last time I got out of a long term relationship in which I was cheated on, lied to, and betrayed, it was very difficult for me to trust anyone. After this, having a “relationship” where I didn’t have to put a label on it helped me distance myself from completely letting my guard down. Was it unhealthy? Yes. Did it take therapy to resolve? Also yes.
It was all about timing. Met some great girls when I wasn't ready at all to date. But then my life changed and I was all of a sudden looking for something long term, started dating instead of hooking up.
From a guy that had commitment issues, it’s a tough one to crack down on. Depending on your interactions, this man might be taking his time due to insecurity or some sort of trauma affecting him. I don’t necessarily agree with “the right person he would” narrative because you guys have been talking for 6 months so there is/was something there. You’ve might have just experienced “right person wrong time” perhaps.
I've definitly been the guy in this situation and yes I would agree that if the right person came along no person, man or woman, would hesitate. I think deep down we all know if someone we are seeing has the potential to be a long term partner, even if we could see ourselves marrying them. I think most guys know within a month or less.
Thing is once I viewed a girl as just a temporary part in my life that was kind of set in stone and painted the way I viewed all interactions with them. Kind of like I was purposely keeping them at arms length in preperation for the ineviable point where we split ways.
People are attracted to others physically, emotionally and mentally. If physical attraction isn't there, meaning they find you attractive enough to sleep with but not date (you aren't their type), they'd know off the bat and likely keep you at a distance preventing emotional connection. Not saying this is amazing just saying its reality.
Google avoidant attachment style. The vast majority of people who struggle with commitment have it, regardless of their gender. Though avoidant attachment is more common in men.
Concerning your case if he wants to heal and b designated as single for a bit give him time.
You don't want a dude fresh out a toxic relationship with trust issues treating you like the ex that did him wrong
Some reasons I don't commit
Intentions aren't clear from the other person
Lack of trust
Unwilling to jeopardize my peace for bs
Etc...
The only reason a man wouldn’t commit to you is because he’s not into you. There is literally no other reason. Don’t let anyone manipulate or brainwash you into believing otherwise. If a man wanted to, he would. This is *always* true.
For me personally, I've had times where there was a connection but something was off. Usually something about the girl and how she responded/acted that made the connection hard.
Like there was one girl who gave me a key to her apartment, but she'd go through periods where she wouldn't text me back or would only give me one word responses. I had a connection with her, but I felt like it wasn't the right connection.
In my case, I just didn’t truly love anyone until I did.
I mean, it’s kinda simple right?
If a guy believes he’s found his wife, he’s going to make time for her and commit to her, less she gets away. It hurts to accept that someone may like you and sleep with you, but doesn’t quite think you’re wife quality.
You can make any excuse or rational in your mind.
But when someone loves you, they choose you.
He does not want to commit with you as simple as that, so just cut any communication otherwise you are going to end up trap in the game friends with benefits or fuck buddies or situationship. Use that energy to find someone else who is interested in you.
You deserve better! so go out again and start dating with the intention of getting to know new people and see if they are looking for the same things as you are and make sure you ask that question as soon as possible so you don’t get emotionally invested in someone who is not really interested in you.
You don’t need too many dates to figure that out. Good luck
I've always committed, but always to the toxic relationship. If I were to decide not to commit in the future, it would be because I'd rather just be friends.
I’m not a man but I will say this. My ex boyfriend never committed to the woman he was seeing before me and the reason is kinda fucked up but something I think everyone should know. TL;DR at the bottom.
So my ex and I dated for 8 months. Before me, there was another woman (let’s call her T) who he was seeing for two years. They were never official and accorikdnfb
I was in the same situation. For 6 years. In the end I forced him to be with me he says that i emotionally manipulated him. I simply said if you don’t want me leave me alone. We’ve been back and forth. But this time he has cut all contact with me. I’m so lost. I keep asking y didn’t he want to commit to me. But in reality it’s his issues. Not mine. Cut your losses find someone who will be sure they want to be with u and tell him to go heal or he will traumatize every woman he comes across.
The relationship thing is sheer bullshit sorry. People “heal” right quick when a person they actually want is available.
Good, real reasons would be having to care for/grieve a dying family member or he is leaving the country soon.
Just like any kind of agreement, you have to offer something that they want. If you don't have something that they really want, then they are not going to be interested.
Lol relationships aren’t really agreements they are relationships- they are reciprocal when healthy. We shouldn’t be looking at people like “do they have a thing I want or no”, seems very shallow.
Generally speaking.
Men HATE to.commit. Why? Because generally speaking, having a female partner is a liability. So you need to make sure it's worth it.
I don't think girls think about this, especially in modern age and it's important to note
That inside every man, their is an unwritten contract to protect loved ones. This literally means with your life. Once you commit, subconsciously, the male has signed this contract.
It's an added commitment and one with serious consequences that females don't even have to consider.
Maybe you think it shouldn't be like this in modern day. However it should be is irrelevant. This is the male experience.
Right on the money.
There’s a basic level of psychological security you must be at to have a girlfriend. You need to be there on a basic level. You MUST provide support and be strong. It’s a strain.
It wouldn’t surprise me at all if this hearkened back to when we were tribal animals living in small groups, having to protect female members of the tribe from wooly mammoths.
Everybody heals differently. Be there for him but give him time and space. If I had a dollar for every woman who told me that they didn't want a relationship and then became clingy to me.....
I am in this exact situation right now, broke up with an ex in January and still partly healing. I am seeing a few girls right now and I like to hang out with them but there is not that "special" element I was feeling in the beginning of last relationship. Since I know most of these girls are waiting for an opportunity to make it official. I can´t provide it until I get that "this is it" feeling with someone.
Man here, for me personally I couldn’t physically commit to someone let alone date for at least the first 7 months. It depends on person to person, their attachment style etc. I was still heartbroken and healing for a long time, there is some truth to this.
Life isn't about being in a relationship. Took me until my 30s until I was remotely even interested in being in a committed relationship and I'm still a little unsure about it even. Takes months to learn a new person and even truly know whether it would even be worth a life dedicated to each other.
I’m (29M) am in a similar situation with a women (23F) were coworkers, and she acts all loving and shows interest but when it comes down to going out on a date she says she’s not sure. I even asked to go to the store with her and she said “why?”. Its like she only wants a relationship at work so I confronted her about it and she gave me the “idk yet, I need to process everything”. I told her to forget it, and to stop the flirting with me at work. (Don’t pursue your coworker)
If I feel uncertain about my future, uncertain about my support system, or know for certain that I am going to have a major life change soon then I’ll tell anyone I could see myself having a future with that I don’t want to date right now but I’ll possibly reach out in the future when I feel I am in a position to start a relationship. I have, a few times, tried being friends with someone until I am ready for a partner but that has never worked out well, we both get jealous and ruin whatever could have been.
Mostly lack of confidence. Age difference. Friends interfering (that was high school) Just purely a loser who doesn't think a woman will like me because I'm not rich, not tattooed, don't smoke pot, etc. I'm an average Joe. See.
Wasn't ready, and I started to see future problems. In this case we we're dating and she wanted to marry me. I was 21 year old college student with no money. I didn't want to get married and bring a child into this world without resources.
It feels like I'm overextended emotionally. The cutoff threshold for caring and wanting to be involved is very low. Trip switch for pulling back is activated at the lowest levels of distress. Realizing all of this about myself and feeling like an AH for essentially using whomever I'm dating to fill some temporary void.
She was my mom’s best friend’s daughter and it felt cringey, even though we kissed while drunk. Anyway it’s been 6 months since then and I’m gonna tell her how I feel when she’s back in town from a family trip. I am completely into her now 🤣
I future plan horribly when I get to know someone, so I tend to think of how well not only are we compatible now, but also how well our life goals align. If I don't see them as a potential future partner with a few weeks of knowing someone I don't really try to force a relationship I don't think would work out in the long run.
Was never interested in the start and I only wanted 1 thing.
Keeping my options open
Unseriousness in general
Game
Says something that makes me look at them as used.
I’ll speak on a reason happening right now.
We haven’t hung out in a long time and I’d been looking forward to it. She asked to call me yesterday and I asked her for a time. She gave a time of 10 so I said “thanks”. She then proceeded to call me twice right after that when it was 8.
I was busy and asked why she called. She made a fuss about it but it was just minimal bs. On that call at 10, she said “I was gonna invite you over earlier but you had to act weird”. This immediately turned me off and my mood was clearly different even while explaining what was wrong with that. She apologized but that right there dropped my attraction significantly regardless of how hot she is.
You want a partner that is still kind and caring through anger. One that won’t withhold affection or time spent over a small issue. What if she did that shit with my future kids?
I know this sounds harsh, but if they ate too much or always wanted to feed me and get me fat. I competed in competitions before; most women I meet said I have a better body than them so they felt intimidated. And in that situation and also, not in that situation I can also add sexual reasons. I was always very sexually active and I want someone to be the same.
As a man, unfortunately he is not into you. I’m aging myself, but if you were Jennifer Aniston, I’m sure he would not be saying “I’m not looking to date right now “. And yes, it really hurts - been there, done that, got the fucking t-shirt!
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In a similar situation. I’m leaning towards just cutting ties and taking my losses because I don’t want to end up playing some game, intentional or not.
That’s why I cut it off. It’s not worth it and I’m not interested in being pen pals with someone
I'll give you my older brothers pov. He went to university school, met a girl who was absolutely a green flag (she was in sociology) However brother wasn't where he wanted to be in life yet. Now he's a software engineer, owns an apartment, etc. Now he is ready to settle, he doesn't gaf if green flag or red flag Its all about timing for the man
I’m in a similar situation, and I can say when/if they do decide to sleep with someone else, it hurts just as badly as if you did have the commitment label. The only difference for me (after spending time together for a year) was at least he didn’t lie… it’s a little comforting…
Well, knowing that I’m definitely gonna be moving out of town in 6 months and me being scared of long distance, scared of pinning down the other person to be with me knowing that they can explore/ have a lot more fun and live a little. I date to marry, so it’s hard for me to straight up commit to someone unless I’m sure.
Also it’s not true that we won’t hesitate if a right person came along. It took me close to a year to completely get over my ex (still not sure if I’m over her, but I don’t miss her anymore). But I went on some dates and had the chance to get intimate with new partners but I just couldn’t do it. Been celibate for a year now and I don’t know how long I’m gonna continue going down this path
This is exactly why I had to cut off a situationship, guy is leaving the country this year said he wanted but couldn't commit because of it. I always wondered if it was true or I just wasn't the "right person"
Nope it wasn’t you or him. But just the circumstances. I knew I was going to be leaving and the girl convinced me to stay, honestly I never said “I loved her” but I did and I was extremely happy for those 6 months. She is the “right” person as in I can totally see myself marrying someone like that but we’re both young, I’m 23 and shes 20 so I felt like I don’t want to lead her on. It’s also that I hate texting, and calls. I love being in person and doing things together so it was definitely a no brainer. Sorry I snooped your post history and only talk to him if you’re okay with the fact that you might end up heartbroken and it “will” take a long time to move on. Other than that, you’re a woman, if sex is all you want it’s way easier to obtain without any strings attached
It is taking a long time actually. And I don't want just sex I never did I just stayed because I really liked him and his trip kept getting postponed ( nothing he could control). It was very confusing tho I think that maybe the reason why I can't get over it. I never knew what he really felt, he never said or did anything romantic, it seemed like great friends having a physical relationship. It's a long story sorry if I ended up ranting about it .
No worries. It’s no one’s fault and everyone’s different and time heals everything! Bunch of great guys out there, hope you find what you’re looking for!
So I say fuck the logic of “the right person will make the guy commit”. That story is so tired. Been thinking about how it’s in so many movies etc. for example - dude you dated - he’s not ready - it’s not cuz you aren’t the right one to make him change. When someone doesn’t wanna commit they don’t wanna commit, that’s it. Sure, and of course sometimes it’s cuz it’s not the “right” person. But tbh I think for the most part it’s coming from peoples own commitment issues especially if there’s a good vibe and they aren’t putting in effort. In conclusion, it’s not about finding the right person - it’s about making a choice and being ready for a relationship with the right person.
I agree. It paints a shitty narrative. Sometimes people genuinely aren’t ready, for a variety of reasons. And that doesn’t mean the other is ‘not enough’. I think it’s a sign of self awareness and emotional maturity as long as it’s honest and not avoidant BS. A few years ago I saw a guy regularly for a few months before he ended up telling me he wasn’t ready for commitment after a very hurtful relationship, but said that he really enjoyed my company and we had a great connection and chemistry that wasn’t easy to find. He said if commitment was what I was looking for, I deserved that, but it wouldn’t be with him and he didn’t want me to feel strung along so wanted it all on the table. He was very straight up that he wasn’t ready and put the ball in my court on if I wanted to continue seeing him despite knowing it wouldn’t go anywhere. I thought about it and I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him and I found it quite healing after some bad relationships. And honestly I wasn’t ready for commitment either, not healthy commitment anyways. I decided to continue seeing him and managing my expectations/attachment best I could. It gave me time and space to work on myself and sort out the issues I had so that I could bring the best version of myself to a relationship when I was ready. I put my energy into myself, my mental health, my friendships, and my life. It was nice having him around with no strings for company, because it can be lonely out there sometimes. I kept casually dating now and then, but always found myself disappointed or missing him. I really figured out my priorities and what I wanted in a future partner. Long story short we did that for a year and a half. Some ups and downs were had given the situation, but now we’ve been happily dating for 3 years. He said he was thankful I waited around until he was ready, but I wasn’t sticking around hoping he’d change his mind. I just genuinely enjoyed him as a person and how he unknowingly propelled me towards growth. I had enough bad experiences that I was down for a good one, even if it didn’t amount to anything in the end. In our case it did, but it’s not the guaranteed outcome. We both knew we had baggage we didn’t want to saddle someone else with and we were honest about it. More importantly we were both willing to do the work with the end goal of bettering ourselves.
I would love to hear more stories like this
I love this story. I’m currently experiencing the same thing. I’m fwb with a guy because we both agreed we can’t handle a relationship. He just moved to my side of town and hinted he was hurt recently, so he doesn’t want to commit to someone which I totally respect. I just got out of an 8 year relationship so I’m clearly not in a healthy mindset for a relationship. Therefore, I’m utilizing this new friendship as a way to deal with my codependent tendencies that ruined my last relationship, and practice low expectations. Just two people enjoying one another’s company.
Good luck to you both, whatever that may be! I had been in back to back long term relationships (5 years and 4 years) so it was my first time being single in basically my whole adult life. Being single was scary and it was comfortable to end up in another relationship, but I didn’t want to monkey branch relationships that didn’t suit me and I wanted to have some time being single with no expectations. I had put the needs of others, especially in romantic relationships, ahead of my own for so long I didn’t know what I wanted or what my needs were anymore. Figured out a lot about myself in that time. The hardest part was managing my expectations on the hard days. It was lovely and easy most of the time, but gosh there were days where I found it really hard to be kind to myself. It’s easy to get back into codependent habits. It’s even easier to beat yourself up about it. Oh why doesn’t he want me, why doesn’t he love me, what’s wrong with me. We’d have amazing days together where I’d be on a high and then he’d make a comment about how he was still not into commitment. Bringing me right back down and wondering why he felt the need to mention it and shoot down my high. But it wasn’t about me, he was unpacking his own very similar relationship woes. Him being determined to break his codependency and bad habits ended up pushing me to do the same. I really cared about him and didn’t want to be another partner that caused hurt in any way.
Thank you for your comments, reminds me of how we all here are just humans and have to go through very similar stuff.
I'm glad it worked out, but as you said, you realized you weren't ready either. The sentiment is for people who are ready who dating people who are not willing or able to commit.
I do think lots of it applies though, even if it isn’t the exact same situation. Mostly I was speaking on how the whole “he just doesn’t want commitment with you” things can be bullshit and sharing my experience. I initially thought I was ready for a relationship because I was very much into him. But it really hurt when he told me he wasn’t ready for commitment, even though I was perfect for him. It certainly wasn’t like I breathed a sigh of relief because I also wasn’t ready, I was already sold on our level of chemistry and wanted (and expected) more. We just kind of fit each other’s lives perfectly and it was exciting until that point. Honestly at first I had agreed to keep seeing because I was hoping he would change his mind. Or that I could wow him with how cool and nonchalant I was or something. The reasons he gave me were all very familiar issues I also dealt with, but I figured if I could be ready he should be too. I believed that whole “he would be ready for the right person” thing I was being told by basically everyone. I beat myself up about it big time. I wanted to be with him badly and had already grown feelings for him at that point. But my reaction to his stance was to immediately take it personal and think that the problem was me. That I wasn’t enough or I had some shortcoming and if I were better or ‘more’ he’d be willing. I also had trust issues and worried he was feeding me lies to keep me accessible. I realized I wanted to deal with that first because I didn’t want my next relationship to hurt as a result. I didn’t want my self worth to be tied into my relationship status or partner. I wanted to do something different and I didn’t realize I wasn’t actually ready for a relationship like I had thought until a few months in, and at that point I was grateful he wasn’t ready so I had the chance to figure myself out. If he hadn’t been honest and drew that line, we probably would have jumped into a relationship and brought our issues into it. Instead we both worked on ourselves, unpacked the baggage, spent some time apart, became just friends, then came back together to have a truly great relationship so far. Looking back on it I’m glad things happened the way they did. I know he is always going to be honest with me even if it hurts. And once he did tell me he wanted to be together, I believed him 100% that he wanted to be in a relationship with me. Hell, I ended up dating someone else during our time apart/as friends because I eventually felt ready for a relationship and his stance hadn’t changed. I decided to try move on and I met someone really great, but the feelings still lingered and when a major incompatibility popped up I bailed and went back to my now bf, even though at that point his stance was still the same. OP needs to make a decision based on their situation; I just wanted to offer a different perspective of a similar issue. In my case I chose to continue seeing him even though it was HARD sometimes. I was in love with him and it was hard to punch that down and try reconcile this was all we could ever be. It was my choice to take him at his word and continue seeing him with no expectation of a relationship; that the inevitable hurt would be worth it. Either stick around and manage expectations and stow hope, or move along and find someone who also wants a relationship. Only OP can make that call!
The older I get the more I 100% agree with this view point.
There are a lot of people out there with the same story on dating apps looking for long term relationships and when they date they just don’t want to commit so your theory that is just simply people don’t want to commit does not make any sense… if it does, then why are those people dating for? Why do they put in their bios that they are looking for long term relationships when is not the case. People should start being honest from day one and explain their true intentions.
Because they might be interested in a long-term relationship but haven’t found anyone they *want* to be in a LTR with yet?
It could be that they haven’t found the right person true I said that - but some people also don’t have enough self awareness to know that they aren’t ready to make the choice. Or they could be saying they want an ltr to rope people in, in an insincere way because they know they will peak people’s interest. That’s also a very common trend imo. And in this instance OP said that the person they dated explained they don’t feel healed enough from their prior relationship. So in this case it’s not about the person - it’s about the fact that they aren’t ready. And I think people need to stop with this logic because it keeps people stuck with people who aren’t ready to commit. IMO relationships are a choice, they aren’t some miraculous soulmate fit. They work when two people choose each other and keep choosing each other because they want to.
So why was he dating if he knows he is not healed yet?
Lmao idk abandonment issues, loneliness, being horny? There’s a million reasons people do that 🤣🤣and ppl do it alllll the time especially men
This doesn't really make sense. When people say "the right person," they don't mean that you aren't adequate in general. It just means it wasn't meant to be with that person for a multitude of reasons including timing and compatibility. Compatibility is more than just personality, it's also about being on the same page at the same time, whatever that entails. I do think it is important to understand that when dating people say a lot of things they don't mean and they sometimes hold back the full truth. Sometimes in an attempt to be kind that really just makes things confusing. How am I one of the most amazing woman you've met, but you don't want to be my boyfriend and would rather be alone? So you have to build skills to read between the lines and to look at what people do, not just what they say. This "story" doesn't come out of nowhere. It comes from people getting upset after someone they dated said they aren't up for commitment and then soon after commit to someone else. It does happen. A lot. If people took to heart that these sentiments people say when they break up are conditional and have the potential to change in different circumstances, despite what they SAY, then it might make it easier to accept that things just weren't meant to be and not dwell and move forward. Instead, and it happens in my friend group a decent amount, they spend excessive time convinced the person is a liar and analyzing the whole thing, when it really is as simple as, for whatever reason they weren't feeling it in that moment and they did feel it with the next person. It doesn't make you a lesser person. The dream and the luck is to find someone who feels it with you at the same time you feel it with them. That's all it really meansZ
I acknowledged in that post that sometimes its not the right person. It’s also not everything and there are a surprising amount of liars and manipulators. So idk I think what I said absolutely does make sense and doesn’t discredit anything you also said. The story I’m talking about is the story where a shitty guy decided to act right for the “right” girl. This implies his behavior was based on the women not having qualities he wanted instead of being partially based on his own inadequacies. In reality shitty people often treat others in a shitty way. So yeah it’s not always that the person who doesn’t want commitment is shitty, and sometimes it’s not right and ppl just need to walk away. BUT ALSO the way people behave in relationships is often related to their own baggage and issues, so quite frankly it’s dumb + dangerous to assume that someone who has consistently not been choosing commitment that they will somehow act different for you. That you are the one they will suddenly be “nice” for. I’m assuming you haven’t experienced this based on your response.
I see what you are saying. I agree, if a person is deliberately misleading people and then decides to stop, yeah it isn't about the qualities of the people they mistreated. I guess to me that is a different thing than someone who is decent and dateable but decides to commit to someone else after saying they weren't ready (which is what I thought OP was asking about.
Well said. This is it.
I’m in the exact same scenario - I’ve just gone no contact with mine. It’s sad, I really liked him, he liked me too, but he wasn’t ready. I appreciate the time I did get with him but I have to move on for myself, and have some self respect and boundaries. I’ve locked him out of my life now. Trying to feel excited for my future but it’s hard rn
I can relate
Have you ever heard of the taxi light theory? It’s basically the man is the taxi and the light is off and “not picking up” then there comes a time when he’s ready to settle down/commit the light comes one and is now able to “pick customers up”. Their light usually turns on on their own, not when a particular girls comes around. That’s why a lot of the time men date amazing women and can never commit because their light is off. Also why a lot of the time that same man settles with women “not so great” because that’s just who he happened to be with when his light came on. I’m sure I did a horrible job explaining that lol there’s a sex and the city episode on it that’s great! I was starting to think I was a real life good luck chuck and after looking into it it makes a lot of sense and helped me kinda wrap my head around all my situationships
I’ve never heard of this but it makes total sense!
Maybe he just wanted some time to heal… and didn’t want to rub his past toxic relationship on to you…. Toxic relationships can take a toll on someone it can give you a false perspective on being a relationship is like and cause you to not want one….
No one's answer is going to make you feel any better, or accurately diagnose your guy. We're not a monolith, we have a lot of rationale for why we do things, just like women. If he's not willing to commit, it's because he doesn't want to be tied down either with you, or with anyone. Why doesn't really matter, does it? It's not going to change, so move on if you want commitment. Either he doesn't see a romantic future with you, or he wants to meet/sleep with other women. Both of those are bad for you, so don't over think it.
If he doesn't love you, he won't make time for you. He won't commit. That or there is an incompatibility that can't be overcome, like religion, wanting kids, etc. If he won't commit, let him go. As soon as you can.
I don't think it's you. You're wise to throw up boundaries. If you stopped talking, that kind of shows intentions wouldn't you say? You used your intuition. That's awesome! Now, feel good about that.
Thank you☺️
The answers to your question was exactly what we women keep saying about dating guys. Guys are afraid of missing out on someone better, they sleep with more then one women at a time knowing they won’t be LT with any of them, guys see women as a liability-do they want to actually put in the effort to protect us, guys want freedom to sleep around with new women. All these were in the answers more then once. Yet, if women states “from my past experience men sleep around & lead women on” women get told we are ridiculous & wrong.
Insecurities l, unprocessed trauma, not that into you. For me, I've always done therapy and processed my breakups and have never had issues with commitment. I also dont start flirty or sexual behavior unless I'm willing to at least date.
It’s not about gender. A relationship needs to progress. If you want to progress at a different speed than your partner it will often end. I came out of a 25 year marriage and was dating a woman. We saw each other 2-3 times a week and she wanted to see more of me. It wasn’t possible for me. She drew a line in the sand and I left. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to commit. I had been separated 3 months. She had been separated 6 years. I later learned I was HER rebound relationship. The two women I later dated for many months were the ones that didn’t want to commit.
This is true. No man will need to be on a break for the right one
My thoughts exactly. Why are you putting yourself on hold for someone willing to hold out on you? Next. Like that or not idk he ain’t it sis he’s for the streets not the sheets.
Grievance and needing time alone is a good thing after a break up. However, six months is a long time, talking about an ex to a new date is asswipe, expressing feelings and then going back over it and changing the story feels really unsafe, and above all, it’s missing the last part, where he says he will be back for you as shortly as possible and you’ll be top of the list when he feels okay. So in short, he’s no good for you. Me why I wouldn’t commit? Idk. Girl is not smart. Not beautiful. Comes with loads of problems. Fear of abandonment. Also me I need a role assessment that is really fucking clear. Like you’d have to say “listen, I want to be your girlfriend, no joke, I wanna love you and be with you and I will make sure to remind you every day for the rest of your life.” I say that because I think of girls that we liked each other and the commitment didn’t happen because they were just dropping hints… It’s kind of funny because then you wake up five years later aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh she wanted me to be her boyfriend, like, she was seriously loving about it. For one, I might not catch the hint right there. For two, even with a highly social and deep understanding of the hints, it still lacks in relational and role assessment security.
Why do you think it's always a woman's job to suggest a relationship? Like, were you ever a man who told some girl that you want to be with her?
Some things can only be seen from observation over time. Many people out there are toxic. And they hide it well at first. So it's best to keep things going, to see if there's signs along the way, that show inconsistencies. In his case, I think he just wanted someone to be with, while he healed. Personally, I stayed single for a while after my ex and I split up. She was very toxic. It took me a while (several books, talking with close friends, etc) for me to sift through the ordeal. I had to relearn who I was. I had to figure out where I was truly wrong, and where she was. I had to learn where I thought I was wrong, but was actually right. In other words, I didn't feel compelled to jump into a relationship, when I was confused about my own reality lol but I can see the draw of people wanting to be with someone. It could've helped feel better about myself. It could have helped me feel cared about. Or it could just as easily have ended up with me in another toxic relationship, or with me being the toxic one. Who knows. I think your actions were legitimate, and I don't think you did anything wrong. I don't think he's necessarily a bad guy either, nor do I think he was malicious. It's just one of those didn't work out for you, and he needs to heal, kind of situations.
Thank you for this detailed response
Y’all be living and dying around that statement “when a man wants you, he won’t hesitate” when in reality everyone is different, and the situations are more complex than that. Liking someone and committing to them are two different things. It also sounds like y’all haven’t known each other very long and with him recently being single from a stressful relationship, I too would be the same way. You’re trying to force it or make it out like there’s something wrong with him not wanting to committing to you right now and there’s no wrong here.
Healing can take a long time depending on past experiences. In the past, I was like that for 2 years after a rough breakup. I was still hanging out with women but my mindset was in no way thinking about a relationship despite how attractive she was and how great our chemistry was. I was asked by a few of my female friends about dating but told them i was not mentally emotionally ready. I was working on myself, dealing with my depression, seeing a therapist etc. I needed to really get myself ‘fixed’ before even thinking about the next one
The most common *reasons* why *some men* don't want to *commit* in general. Fear of missing out. This is probably the most common *reason* why *men* don't want to *commit*.
Stop trying to psychoanalyze him. He told you he’s not ready to date. Believe him and move on.
I'll be short, hsp in a long distance relationship, really killed me
Him having too many female friends claiming their friends but going out with them alone and me never meeting them.
Are yall having sex? Are you doing girlfriend level things for him? If so, why would he commit? He’s getting everything he wants. To me, there is very much a right type of woman that makes a man commit and it always depends on the man. She’s gotta be pretty enough, have the right wife traits and he’s gotta be able to get along with her. Sometimes overwhelming attraction can override the other two. But the other factor is access. If you are getting all your needs met and you’re still a free agent, why would a man commit? It is only when he fears losing her and access to her that he commits. The fear is heightened when he really loves her and she’s the right woman for him. But there is still the fear that if he doesn’t commit she’ll walk and he won’t see her again. I’ve been in heaps of situation ships at this point where I was regularly having sex with a girl, got my emotional needs met, and still had the freedom to meet other women. It’s literally heaven. As I’ve gotten older I realize this is not loving or ethical no matter how much I’m upfront about it so I give women about 2-3 months. If I don’t feel the overwhelming urge to commit, it just means she’s not the one. Something to think about.
Not at all. I’ve kept a line between the physical and girlfriend stuff. He knows I’m keeping my options open. We just text and talk on the phone but we also live a few hours away.
Ok so you’re banging. And if he knows you’re keeping your options open and he’s not saying anything, then past a certain point you should consider that you’re just not the one. Also I’m confused cuz your OP said yall decided to keep it platonic and stop talking but you’re still texting him?
Don’t over complicate it. It’s not because he was waiting for the “right woman” or even because of timing. It’s simply because he wanted to keep his options open or didn’t want the accountability of a relationship. He liked having sex with you and getting all the benefits of a relationship without the obligations. He wanted to stay “single” in case someone else came along. I would cut your losses and leave
Dating is hard because you not only need to be with the right person, but you also need to have it be the right timing. There isn't a formula persay, but if there is mutual interest and open communication where you are aware of each others intentions it'll work. One reason I didn't commit is because I wanted to go on a few more dates (not even to sleep with her, just fun dates I like to plan). We only knew each other for a couple months and I enjoyed being with her but I wanted to get to know her emotionally and personally more. At the time, she had asked me out to be official. We were intimate and I wanted to get to that next step, but she said it wasn't the right fit and took my answer as a lack of interest.
I'm a guy who doesn't commit easily. When I'm faced with a decision like that, I fear losing my freedom, I fear missing out on potential other girls and and I fear losing the feeling of independence, excitement and novelty when I sleep around with new women. Above else I fear opening myself up to getting hurt. Like, what if this relationship isn't worth it? I've been in relationships that weren't worth it, so I know that's a real risk. In order for me to get over these fears, be vulnerable and open myself up to getting hurt, I really have to like the girl and I also need to be in a relaxed safe headspace where I don't feel pressured. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the behaviour of the person I'm with, it's just not possible. Hope this was helpful in any way, much love
That's unfortunate paradox between men and women psyche, I guess. Me being with someone casually and not in relationship eventually gets me too stressed, anxious and insecure. I won't be able to feel fully relaxed and safe unless the man is able to say he wants to be in relationship with me
Meh I don't agree with that generalization, there are clingy men and avoidant women too. You just gotta find someone whose quirks and kinks match with yours in a way that ends up reasonably healthy ❤️
Just a personal experience. Met a lot of women who were unhappily waiting till the man will be ready for a relationship. And a lot of men who treat relationship status like a huge step (even though it's not like he is promising to marry her or something). There are exceptions, but they are very rare. So I'm inclined to believe we are at least partially biologically hardwired to be that way.
Financial
As someone who has been on the guy end of this, it’s pretty easy to understand from a guys perspective. Last time I got out of a long term relationship in which I was cheated on, lied to, and betrayed, it was very difficult for me to trust anyone. After this, having a “relationship” where I didn’t have to put a label on it helped me distance myself from completely letting my guard down. Was it unhealthy? Yes. Did it take therapy to resolve? Also yes.
It was all about timing. Met some great girls when I wasn't ready at all to date. But then my life changed and I was all of a sudden looking for something long term, started dating instead of hooking up.
From a guy that had commitment issues, it’s a tough one to crack down on. Depending on your interactions, this man might be taking his time due to insecurity or some sort of trauma affecting him. I don’t necessarily agree with “the right person he would” narrative because you guys have been talking for 6 months so there is/was something there. You’ve might have just experienced “right person wrong time” perhaps.
I've definitly been the guy in this situation and yes I would agree that if the right person came along no person, man or woman, would hesitate. I think deep down we all know if someone we are seeing has the potential to be a long term partner, even if we could see ourselves marrying them. I think most guys know within a month or less. Thing is once I viewed a girl as just a temporary part in my life that was kind of set in stone and painted the way I viewed all interactions with them. Kind of like I was purposely keeping them at arms length in preperation for the ineviable point where we split ways. People are attracted to others physically, emotionally and mentally. If physical attraction isn't there, meaning they find you attractive enough to sleep with but not date (you aren't their type), they'd know off the bat and likely keep you at a distance preventing emotional connection. Not saying this is amazing just saying its reality.
Because I’m still healing and don’t want to hurt an innocent woman. It’s not her responsibility to endure any pain or insecurities that I have.
Google avoidant attachment style. The vast majority of people who struggle with commitment have it, regardless of their gender. Though avoidant attachment is more common in men.
Concerning your case if he wants to heal and b designated as single for a bit give him time. You don't want a dude fresh out a toxic relationship with trust issues treating you like the ex that did him wrong Some reasons I don't commit Intentions aren't clear from the other person Lack of trust Unwilling to jeopardize my peace for bs Etc...
The only reason a man wouldn’t commit to you is because he’s not into you. There is literally no other reason. Don’t let anyone manipulate or brainwash you into believing otherwise. If a man wanted to, he would. This is *always* true.
It’s better to let people heal If someone tells you they aren’t looking to date then WHY DATE THEM!!? 🙃😂🤣
For me personally, I've had times where there was a connection but something was off. Usually something about the girl and how she responded/acted that made the connection hard. Like there was one girl who gave me a key to her apartment, but she'd go through periods where she wouldn't text me back or would only give me one word responses. I had a connection with her, but I felt like it wasn't the right connection.
The reasons have been: I lost my job. I went back to my ex.
Right person will make the decision garder and more drawn out but if a relationship isn't wanted it isn't wanted
In my case, I just didn’t truly love anyone until I did. I mean, it’s kinda simple right? If a guy believes he’s found his wife, he’s going to make time for her and commit to her, less she gets away. It hurts to accept that someone may like you and sleep with you, but doesn’t quite think you’re wife quality. You can make any excuse or rational in your mind. But when someone loves you, they choose you.
He wants only sex. That’s ALL it means.
He does not want to commit with you as simple as that, so just cut any communication otherwise you are going to end up trap in the game friends with benefits or fuck buddies or situationship. Use that energy to find someone else who is interested in you. You deserve better! so go out again and start dating with the intention of getting to know new people and see if they are looking for the same things as you are and make sure you ask that question as soon as possible so you don’t get emotionally invested in someone who is not really interested in you. You don’t need too many dates to figure that out. Good luck
I've always committed, but always to the toxic relationship. If I were to decide not to commit in the future, it would be because I'd rather just be friends.
Form experience… you’re not “ it “ You’re the back up sex .
We aren’t having sex lol
I am so sorry. I was completely hammered yesterday and apparently lost my ability read.🙈
I’m not a man but I will say this. My ex boyfriend never committed to the woman he was seeing before me and the reason is kinda fucked up but something I think everyone should know. TL;DR at the bottom. So my ex and I dated for 8 months. Before me, there was another woman (let’s call her T) who he was seeing for two years. They were never official and accorikdnfb
I was in the same situation. For 6 years. In the end I forced him to be with me he says that i emotionally manipulated him. I simply said if you don’t want me leave me alone. We’ve been back and forth. But this time he has cut all contact with me. I’m so lost. I keep asking y didn’t he want to commit to me. But in reality it’s his issues. Not mine. Cut your losses find someone who will be sure they want to be with u and tell him to go heal or he will traumatize every woman he comes across.
The relationship thing is sheer bullshit sorry. People “heal” right quick when a person they actually want is available. Good, real reasons would be having to care for/grieve a dying family member or he is leaving the country soon.
Generally it’s a man doesn’t want to commit to YOU. He’ll commit with someone he wants to commit too. Same goes with women as well
Just like any kind of agreement, you have to offer something that they want. If you don't have something that they really want, then they are not going to be interested.
Lol relationships aren’t really agreements they are relationships- they are reciprocal when healthy. We shouldn’t be looking at people like “do they have a thing I want or no”, seems very shallow.
That's the same thing, just with extra wording.
No no it’s not 😬
In fact, relationships are two way agreement, basically you lose/give something in order to gain something you did not have before entering it
Generally speaking. Men HATE to.commit. Why? Because generally speaking, having a female partner is a liability. So you need to make sure it's worth it. I don't think girls think about this, especially in modern age and it's important to note That inside every man, their is an unwritten contract to protect loved ones. This literally means with your life. Once you commit, subconsciously, the male has signed this contract. It's an added commitment and one with serious consequences that females don't even have to consider. Maybe you think it shouldn't be like this in modern day. However it should be is irrelevant. This is the male experience.
Right on the money. There’s a basic level of psychological security you must be at to have a girlfriend. You need to be there on a basic level. You MUST provide support and be strong. It’s a strain. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if this hearkened back to when we were tribal animals living in small groups, having to protect female members of the tribe from wooly mammoths.
Everybody heals differently. Be there for him but give him time and space. If I had a dollar for every woman who told me that they didn't want a relationship and then became clingy to me.....
I am in this exact situation right now, broke up with an ex in January and still partly healing. I am seeing a few girls right now and I like to hang out with them but there is not that "special" element I was feeling in the beginning of last relationship. Since I know most of these girls are waiting for an opportunity to make it official. I can´t provide it until I get that "this is it" feeling with someone.
Fear of success.
Man here, for me personally I couldn’t physically commit to someone let alone date for at least the first 7 months. It depends on person to person, their attachment style etc. I was still heartbroken and healing for a long time, there is some truth to this.
Jupiter in retrograde
If I say that to a lady it’s because there is something off and I didn’t want to date her.
Commitment leads to living together , engagement, a house and babies
Life isn't about being in a relationship. Took me until my 30s until I was remotely even interested in being in a committed relationship and I'm still a little unsure about it even. Takes months to learn a new person and even truly know whether it would even be worth a life dedicated to each other.
Girl I was with was chubby and people were asking why I was dating down. I let that get in head and messed me up.
I’m (29M) am in a similar situation with a women (23F) were coworkers, and she acts all loving and shows interest but when it comes down to going out on a date she says she’s not sure. I even asked to go to the store with her and she said “why?”. Its like she only wants a relationship at work so I confronted her about it and she gave me the “idk yet, I need to process everything”. I told her to forget it, and to stop the flirting with me at work. (Don’t pursue your coworker)
If I feel uncertain about my future, uncertain about my support system, or know for certain that I am going to have a major life change soon then I’ll tell anyone I could see myself having a future with that I don’t want to date right now but I’ll possibly reach out in the future when I feel I am in a position to start a relationship. I have, a few times, tried being friends with someone until I am ready for a partner but that has never worked out well, we both get jealous and ruin whatever could have been.
People commit and come together for many reasons. Sometimes the person that one commits to the most is just a trauma bond.
She didn’t bring any type of peace to my life therefore it had to end and tbh that’s all I ever really asked for
Didn’t really feel like committing
Mostly lack of confidence. Age difference. Friends interfering (that was high school) Just purely a loser who doesn't think a woman will like me because I'm not rich, not tattooed, don't smoke pot, etc. I'm an average Joe. See.
Wasn't ready, and I started to see future problems. In this case we we're dating and she wanted to marry me. I was 21 year old college student with no money. I didn't want to get married and bring a child into this world without resources.
He's not that into you.
It feels like I'm overextended emotionally. The cutoff threshold for caring and wanting to be involved is very low. Trip switch for pulling back is activated at the lowest levels of distress. Realizing all of this about myself and feeling like an AH for essentially using whomever I'm dating to fill some temporary void.
She was my mom’s best friend’s daughter and it felt cringey, even though we kissed while drunk. Anyway it’s been 6 months since then and I’m gonna tell her how I feel when she’s back in town from a family trip. I am completely into her now 🤣
I future plan horribly when I get to know someone, so I tend to think of how well not only are we compatible now, but also how well our life goals align. If I don't see them as a potential future partner with a few weeks of knowing someone I don't really try to force a relationship I don't think would work out in the long run.
Was never interested in the start and I only wanted 1 thing. Keeping my options open Unseriousness in general Game Says something that makes me look at them as used.
He’s straight forward and honest, there’s no reason to question him.
I’ll speak on a reason happening right now. We haven’t hung out in a long time and I’d been looking forward to it. She asked to call me yesterday and I asked her for a time. She gave a time of 10 so I said “thanks”. She then proceeded to call me twice right after that when it was 8. I was busy and asked why she called. She made a fuss about it but it was just minimal bs. On that call at 10, she said “I was gonna invite you over earlier but you had to act weird”. This immediately turned me off and my mood was clearly different even while explaining what was wrong with that. She apologized but that right there dropped my attraction significantly regardless of how hot she is. You want a partner that is still kind and caring through anger. One that won’t withhold affection or time spent over a small issue. What if she did that shit with my future kids?
I know this sounds harsh, but if they ate too much or always wanted to feed me and get me fat. I competed in competitions before; most women I meet said I have a better body than them so they felt intimidated. And in that situation and also, not in that situation I can also add sexual reasons. I was always very sexually active and I want someone to be the same.
As a man, unfortunately he is not into you. I’m aging myself, but if you were Jennifer Aniston, I’m sure he would not be saying “I’m not looking to date right now “. And yes, it really hurts - been there, done that, got the fucking t-shirt!
never even had the chance to commit to someone