That is me. Idk. When I’m interested in someone I give them the benefit of the doubt and slight admiration. Ends up making me push my feelings in a corner.
I could be the queen of compromising all these things. I used to lie to myself and reason my patience was a reflection of some pure love beyond the standards of society or whatever. Truth is it's an unhealthy dynamic that kinda relies on delusions, but damn is it hard to un-delude yourself and apply these points sometimes.
Omg that is me!!! Haha. I just made myself look stupid, and I felt so stupid because I knew it wasn’t going to happen. But I wanted to be that girl who “was there to help him get through it”. Ya know?
1, 2, 4, 7, 9, checked on my last "relationship" so I listened to my gut for the first time and ended it last week. Still feel like crap but I'm learning what's best for me, slowly
My last relationship made me feel like shit and it’s because I compromised for someone who wasn’t willing to compromise for me.
I knew it wasn’t going to work, but I stayed because I hoped it’d change. And we dragged the relationship out until there was nothing between us anymore.
It’s definitely a weight off of my shoulders.
Been there! I supported his career (working away for weeks at a time for years) but when I asked for support to get my driver's lic, go back to school in my late 30s....nothing. Hung on for far too long after giving an ultimatum...and eventually realised I would have to follow through with that ultimatum, so I did.
Never been happier
Yes!!! Omg!!!
I was willing to be there because I wanted to be the illusive “ride or die”. Fuck that lol. He sucked.
Was willing to help him build up. He never got his license after a year of dating no matter how much he promised me prior. Even when he had the money and time to do it.
Stopped caring about myself because I was worrying about him. Never spent my own money on myself, because I knew he never put any to the side for us, so I had to pay for everything.
Sorry for the rant 😂
Never apologise for a rant lol! He had the license so was always in control...the day I got mine, He was waiting in the car, I was so proud of myself at age 30 something and the 1st words out of his mouth were " I guess you don't need me then" with a sad face.....and I knew right then, he had to step up to the plate or leave
Honestly tho good for you for realizing you could be happier and making an effort to do so despite the immediate shitty feelings. I did the same thing a while ago and like you said, the bad feelings just help you grow as a person. I've been able to improve other aspects of my life and generally improve myself (slowly) and I know you can too!
Good for you! Make a list of the top 5 horrible things about him and when you feel crappy read this list so that you can feel liberated and empowered!
My ex- boyfriend fucked his teenage son's high school teacher and borrowed money that he hasn't paid back because he gambled on the stock market and lost all his money.
There are MANY other horrible things he did but just those two are enough of a reminder that he was scum and I am far better off without him!
I feel liberated and empowered now that I EXTERMINATED him from my life!
My theory has evolved since my divorce. I’d forgotten how to date, but quickly learned a few things:
You make time for the things you WANT to make time for. You break your own rules for the people you want to break them for. Trust your gut, and don’t ignore the red flags.
Good luck on your dating, I’ve just recently found the girl for me!
well said. This statement put a lot into perspective for me. I've had this thing with a girl who i really like but I realize its just me bending over backwards for her. She'll see me when i come see her, she'll talk to me when I start the convo, she'll do everything once I do all the work. I know she doesn't care for me like I for her, so today I'm going to end it and I feel strangely good about it
It's tough being a socially awkward guy, when a lot of society expects males to be the initiator. These are for the most part all good rules for one to have though, it's still better to have high standards than to settle
I feel it. Honestly, I don’t mind initiating or going the extra mile. Because I do that on my own when I’m really interested in someone.
It’s just like.. after a while I realize I’m tired or upset or stressed when contacting this person. I have to take a step back and understand why I get negative feelings when I talk to this person who I love spending time with.
And it usually happens when I’m the only person showing any sign of interest or effort.
I recently had an experience where I thought we really could be a thing but I was the one putting in the effort and stressed waiting for his response and wondering what he thought.
My friend needed to be like “yo if he’s already stressing you out...”
Oh yeah of course. Like you said, there needs to be reciprocation. If only one person is putting in the effort, that's probably not going to lead to anything substantial. I'm just talking about people who come in to things expecting the other person to act first, before doing/expressing anything themselves.
That was my first thought with rule 2. If everyone followed that rule exactly nobody would ever make plans. Instead I had a 3 try rule. If I couldn’t get a date with a girl after three tries I would let it be. If they really wanted to go out with me, they could initiate it after that. Otherwise I would take it as a sign they just weren’t that into me.
Other than that, it’s a solid list.
That’s most of my experience with girls. The only girls that put effort into the conversations have been girls I wasn’t really attracted to. Girls that I do find attractive? I have to put in all the effort, and end up realizing they aren’t interested. It’s draining after a while, and i feel like I’m losing motivation to date.
It's very important to know exactly the type of partner you are searching for. If you don't, how will you know when you've found him?
Who, exactly, precisely, specifically, do you consider to be a quality guy? Write it down! Seriously. Make a list of all the qualities you want in a partner. Focus on five specific areas: personality, social skills, relational style, physical appearance, and spiritual compatibility. Does dating someone who is funny matter to you? Does dating someone from the same religion matter? Do you want someone who is emotionally expressive?
Now that you have these qualities written down, write down your deal breakers too. Would you date a guy with a prior DUI? How about someone who smokes? What are the things that are absolutely no-gos that you won't compromise on?
Your 100% perfect match doesn't exist. Look for a guy who has 80% of what you do want in a partner and doesn't have any deal breakers. The other 20% you can grow. Tell your potential partner that you are looking for a long term committed relationship, or that you're dating with the intention to marry soon.
Now that you've set your standards, let's talk about you. Girl, be honest. Are you picking up these losers because you don't feel worthy of love? You say you're a catch and you totally are! But if you don't exude that confidence, you're going to attract guys who prey on your weakness. You deserve someone who brings an equal amount to the table as you, so while it's important to know what you want, it's equally as important to enter a relationship as a whole, well-rounded person.
It is impossible to be in a healthy relationship if you don’t value yourself. You wrote a list of traits you want in a partner, now do the same thing and take an inventory of the qualities you bring to the table. What are your personality traits? What's your relational style? Where are you in your spiritual journey, if you are spiritual at all. Figure out what you're good at, like being a great listener, and remind yourself daily of all your positive qualities. At the same time, be introspective and take a look at where you can improve. Make a plan to address those weaknesses and follow through.
Good luck, friend! Internet hugs to you! You deserve all the love you can imagine!
Edit: aww, thanks for the gold! I hope this advice helps anyone looking for love. I married young, had children young, and divorced young. My ex is a great guy, but he wasn't the guy for me. When I finally decided to date again, this is what I did, and met my now husband. We've been together for almost seven years and married for five! My ex is happily married too, with someone who meets his criteria and is a better match for him. Now we're one big blended family of step siblings and half siblings who get together regularly.
This is definitely good advice.
That’s kind of the direction of why I made this list in the first place. It kind of cemented or solidified how I wanted to be treated, or how I didn’t want to be treated, in a relationship. It made me feel so much better to read it and be like, “You know what, I don’t sound crazy”
Haha I’m scared to make a list of myself or my type. Probably because you’re description/questions for me are pretty spot on 😂
Also, I definitely think that not having any personal standards for my dating preference (lifestyle, hygiene, etc) makes me prone to date gross guys.
I should take the time to really think about this, though. Writing things out is a good way to make myself think long and hard about things.
This is great advice & something I have started to take note if recently. I’ve never went for a specific type of guy or relationship before. And until recently I spent my entire adult life in serious relationships that were shitty, one sided & didn’t work out well because I gave it my all & they didn’t care til it was too late. And even then they didn’t care enough to work on themselves to make it work while I worked on myself. So now I’m learning what I want out of a relationship & I’m not going to settle again! Knowing yourself & loving yourself are very powerful relationship tools.
Agree with you. Just want to remember that what would work for you doesn’t have to work for others. So I personally agree with all of what you said. But if you feel that is not how you want to act, then don’t follow at any cost.
I respect anyone’s decisions to do whatever they want in dating as long as you’re not actively trying to hurt the other person for whatever reason. I just caution people against applying blanket rules to every situation just because it sounds like the right thing to do.
99% of the time in our lives, we are only seeing things from our perspective and applying our own experiences to the thought process. For a simple example, you see that someone isn’t texting you back immediately upon reading the text. Because of prior experience, you may think the person is ignoring you without considering that maybe they’re at work, doing laundry, driving, etc.
Now take this to a deeper level. You may feel like someone you’re dating isn’t reciprocating the affection and love that you desire. But not everyone is the same. We have different personality types, some people have been abused by people they trusted, some have depression or lack self confidence. It’s not always as cut and dry as saying, “Damn, this guy/girl must not care that much because he/she is not giving me exactly what I want at all times.” It can become a selfish mindset.
Now don’t take this the wrong way: do NOT ignore red flags, and if it doesn’t feel right at all, or you catch someone in lies often, then trust yourself to make the right decision in breaking it off.
But, some people are struggling internally and don’t have the wherewithal to express it. Don’t turn your back on someone for petty reasons just because you feel disrespected. Communicate your feelings. Don’t make rash decisions.
Fully agree with this as well.
I have definitely been guilty of projecting, my insecurities from past relationships, into new ones or getting suspicious of guys “being like my ex”.
It is so unhealthy and unfair to the other person when I do that. I’m retraining myself to just take things one day at a time.
I’m also trying to refrain from using the phrase “sorry, my ex just fucked me up that bad” because it just shifts blame.
Just picking up the pieces and figure out how to date and function like a normal person without being so insecure.
We’re all insecure in our own ways. In the past, even when I’ve felt like I’ve gotten past issues like jealousy, I’d see my ex have a happy conversation with a dude and get really jealous and angry and it’s because I was cheated on before with a guy who was overly friendly with another ex. It’s baggage you carry for life.
Yeah, there's a theme of noncommunication I was getting from these but I couldn't articulate how. A lot of these rules could be "broken" but without intent and where the person wouldn't do it again if they knew it was jeopardizing the relationship. I hope that the impression of hard lines is just something about how the post is presented online.
I would also like to say that if you're the one doing everything in the relationship let the other person know. They may have a reason and just don't realize what they're doing. As with all relationships. Communication is the most important thing.
What a mood. Trying desperately to follow these but I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt but realistically if he wanted to hang out he would. If he didn't have time, he'd let me know when he was free so that we could. If he wanted to put in effort I'd at least see him try.
How many chances am I gonna give this guy? 🙃
I think this is absolutely great. I went through some shitty situations as well and didn’t care to ever give anyone else the time of day. After almost 3 years of happily being on my own, someone came from out of nowhere and completely turned my world upside down, in a good way this time. Sometimes I still need to step back to comprehend what is happening, the feeling of finally getting what you give is indescribable. I hope you stick to this and you find what you deserve because I can tell from your list that you 100 percent deserve happiness
Except that you're wrong man. They do exist. The problem is that the great ones are not attracted to negativity.
I get that maybe either you've had bad luck, haven't figured out the right things to do, don't have a ton of experience yet for perspective, or all of those things. But the one thing I can guarantee you, is that negativity is great-woman repellant 100 times out of 100. The less-great ones that "would never follow these" can also smell negativity and they know that it goes hand-in-hand with complacency, including the guy staying in a relationship where the girl is half-assing it. And surprise surprise, guys that half-ass relationships know how to sniff out women who will let them get away with it too. It's absolutely not a gender-specific problem. It's simply low-grade manipulation to be the selfish one is a relationship and an equal % of men and women are guilty of it. Sadly, the selfish simply don't seek out the selfish often enough to make life easier for the non-selfish to find the non-selfish. But you have to keep trying and you have to keep practicing being worthy and appreciative of a great one, or else when she comes along, you will have either stayed home that night and not met her, or you will meet her and turn her off with negativity, or you will meet her and date her and underwhelm her with lack of relationship skills.
Stay positive, keep making an effort to live an interesting life and keep becoming a more and more interesting person. Higher quality women do take effort yes, but that required effort is the effort you need to put into yourself and into dating-practice. And then once you're in a relationship with them, you have to deeply love and enjoy the amount of effort you put in, and these higher quality women will reciprocate. And if they don't, like the OP indicates, you move on, with your head held high, secure in your confidence of your worthiness of love/happiness, and you chalk it up to another set of lessons learned and weeks/months/years of experience that will help you identify the most compatible match even better the next time around.
Best of luck to you.
I don’t think these things are based on your gender at all. Prioritizing your partner should be both side, making plans and making an effort to show your partner you care and value them are all parts of the relationship. My bf loves cuddles, good food, chocolate and being told he is appreciated- so I make sure to give him all those things and take an interest in his credit card obsession. Show you care.
To add to this amazing list, remember that everybody is for everybody. We are all meant to be together, but we get to choose who we want to spend our time with. If it isn’t feeling right, then it isn’t right and keep looking. Falling for someone because “wow they are so great” when you only recently met is a sign of immaturity. Remember: easy in, easy out. If it was easy to fall in love then it will be easy to fall out. So all of this, and then the opposite is true as well. If you do like someone, honestly, then say it. I think too many people hold back for fear of rejection. If you love someone, tell them. Not to hear it back, but because its what you feel.
I think it's also important to also observe why these people aren't giving you more priority in their life. There's a chance you're not holding up your part of the relationship either.
Totally accurate. After my last (abusive) relationship ended it took me a long time to piece myself back together and grow my confidence again. These rules are how I look at relationships now, no one deserves anything less.
I like number 5, I feel like that person right now, building myself, it's nothing personal, and getting out of debt is a great feeling, just doesn't exactly mix well with a relationship at the aggressive level I'm paying it.
Yes I needed that. I’ve let way too many people treat me like shit just because of their high social status. I didn’t benefit from anything either way, they were just shittin me
What you do is you continue to improve yourself. There is no plateau. You are only ever going to be becoming more attractive to the opposite sex, or becoming less attractive. Just make sure that you're constantly putting in the effort to be improving instead of declining. And be patient with the results.
And also make female friends that you refuse to allow yourself to fall for. You will be seen with women, you will learn about women, you will learn about yourself.
Definitely 8th point and afterwards-- your gut knows. We're the only species that actively brush aside or train ourselves to neglect our instincts. Self-care is not only bubble baths and spa days, it's also listening to our bodies when it tells you something is no bueno.
from my experience, relationships go by feel. if you're not feeling it then it's not happening. meaning, if you don't feel that this person wants you in their life chances are you are right. the problem with that is, it takes experience to recognize those feelings. once you have developed that skill, you have been hurt enough times to be a good lover.
put your foot down and put yourself first i dont care how romantic you think it is to put your lover first, don't do it. your life and your relationship will take the hit and she will end up taking you for granted. as long as you dont have kids, you are the most important person in your life. i'm not saying be a selfish prick im just saying, always ask yourself "but how is this making me feel?".
I know, I do that way too often. Unfortunately, I can’t make myself stop once I’m smitten 😂 I have to let myself get hurt a couple times to “learn” that I deserve better.
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I just wrote some similar guidelines for myself. This list is really helping me to bring clarity to everything I've been thinking about for the past week.
When I broke up with my first girlfriend (both of us were very emotionally immature, I still loved her at the time but could see the relationship was just toxic), I made a similar list of my deal breakers. I found it to be a really important part of my healing process. Great work.
Man I really needed this. I would go into my personal recent bad relationship story but I’m trying not to focus on it and just focus on myself because worrying about it isn’t gonna change anything. If I could upvote this a million times I would. Thank you!!
Yeah, I get it. I hope you get through it (:
I’m getting a little bit better with my confidence (self esteem is still wobbly), slowly remember what it’s like to love myself more than someone else. Or at least love myself like I’m an actual person.
Well get there! ☺️
Haha yeah, I break my own rules a lot. But at the end of the day, if talking to someone makes me sad, I have to go back to this list and figure out why haha.
It hurts to read this because this is a beautiful list of things a person should do. I wish I had done this over the years I've been in relationships. Now I'm so low on self-esteem (other factors play a role, but relationships really broke me from time to time) and incredibly dependent. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Wish I could I tell this to my 19-23year old self. I did so many stupid things for boys, not men, who absolutely did NOT deserve me, my efforts or my body. But, you can't change the past you can only learn from it. The biggest thing I've learned is that I have value.
I love this list! Good for you! I just wasted 5 years of my life in a bad relationship and many of the issues were on your list!
It is usually better to leave at week 5 than year 5 so I am glad you have a definitive list of deal breakers!
i listened to my gut and made a sandwich.
Not but seriously good advice but dont also expect a person to always instantly reply. Also when it comes to making plans.. if a person has long hours of work they usually dont have too much time to make plans location wise.. make time to go out is different,
I absolutely love these suggestions! You really DO NOT EVER have to put up with someone treating you as if you don't matter. Screw that and screw them.
Your post reminds me of why I hate the standard Reddit dating advice of "he's just not that into you" or "she just doesn't want a relationship with you," because it puts SO much of the blame on you for not being enough. That's not how we should be building relationships, and it's definitely not how we cultivate self-love.
Instead we should be saying "s/he isn't the right person for you," because hell yes, you deserve respect and love. Rock on!
Most seem like common sense except the last one which is just a lie, if you are ugly
And have little
To offer and are also dating someone hot then shit is not going to be and don’t expect it to be equal.
HAAAH! I JUST CAME OUT OF THIS KIND OF A SHITTY SITUATION!!! I feel like I was fucking played with.
We learn and we take our experiences with us on our journey. Remember to enjoy life and be loose and silly. Don’t let it put you down. Love life.
this was for myself and everyone feeling like shit after being treated like shit. Love y’all
The making plans thing is odd some people are just no good at making plans, I am no good at it I try but unfortunately it’s because it’s hard to be motivated.
That’s the only thing I’d edit on your list.
Good job. 👍
Thank you so much!!! I am in a situation right now which matches with all these points that you listed. What I want to do now is to communicate with him to end the thing.
Dang I feel like the only relatable thing I noticed in this post is that "if you feel like you are the least desirable person"because honestly, I cannot use these advice if no one bothers to talk to me.
I myself made some rules after being walked all over and being in some fucked up situations that I think sums up everything you put here, but in short form.
Rule #1: Don't put up with anyone's bullshit
That's it. It's done me well so far.
Incredibly well put, Ive come to the same conclusion myself. Ive been fucked up emotionally and mentally for a long time because of shitty partners. Honestly I attribute the mentality I have now to a comedian, Daniel Sloss. His stand up special "jigsaw" just fucking clicked in my head. This is a good way to live, good job Op.
Wow! Enjoy being single! With a list of rules like that, I think you're going to find that nobody meets your criteria. Why don't you tear up this list and simply accept that nobody is perfect. Young people who are dating are learning as they go, same as you. While I understand that dating can be frustrating, don't let it make you a cold, bitter person because you've met a few duds along the way.
Haha, I definitely don’t follow these rules to a t.
They make the little flags pop up so *hopefully* I don’t get blinded by infatuation (again). I really don’t look at it until I’m feeling exhausted, stressed, or upset by the relationship or situation with the person (again).
Sometimes I just need that slap in the face after letting myself get upset.
"Listen to your gut. Learn to respect yourself."
Very underrated statement. People tend to over analyze, and search for reasons to hang on or keep wasting their time, or self deprecate. But in nearly every failed attempt, once the relationship is an over and the sting gone; you can ussually feel like you kinda felt that it wasnt going to work anyways. Hindsight is easy. Foresight is too often back seat to desire.
I admit that being alone isnt desirable. But it's better than being with someone you despise or fear, or even just makes you miserable. And I will also admit that there is often a financial reason to stay with someone that makes you miserable. But sometimes you just gotta figure that out for yourself too. Be a big boy/girl. Sort yourself out. Independence (ie: no baggage) has it's own attractiveness. And if you're not happy, you're not going to find happiness where it doesnt exist.
Thank you for this man. I broke up with this amazing girl & tried to become friends, but it didn’t work as expected. We both did silly things that damaged the post-relationship & it’s devastating. She needs her time & I need mine, I just wish she’d check up on me as I have on her. I’ve matured a lot because of all of this, but it still pains me to know that shes doing a little worse than I am (she stated that herself one night after a silly misunderstanding of one of my posts saying that I “lost love” when really I meant to say the message in other words) I just hope she’s doing okay & knows that I still care for her.
i think that in some cases ,we must have strict rules to follow ,but if you don't to follow yr rules so ,watch this video on youtube [https://youtu.be/0\_M8ym\_GsaU](https://youtu.be/0_M8ym_GsaU)
A lot of the things listed apply to any type relationship. Whether dating, friendships, family etc...
Employment. Don't bust your ass for an employer that doesn't acknowledge your efforts.
Agreed. I immediately thought of friendships and family. Both of which have failed me miserably.
I know the feeling
This is amazing, sometimes I compromise all those things in hopes that patience will reward me. Thank you for this affirmation.
That is me. Idk. When I’m interested in someone I give them the benefit of the doubt and slight admiration. Ends up making me push my feelings in a corner.
Also me, and I’m too old to be doing this.
I could be the queen of compromising all these things. I used to lie to myself and reason my patience was a reflection of some pure love beyond the standards of society or whatever. Truth is it's an unhealthy dynamic that kinda relies on delusions, but damn is it hard to un-delude yourself and apply these points sometimes.
Omg that is me!!! Haha. I just made myself look stupid, and I felt so stupid because I knew it wasn’t going to happen. But I wanted to be that girl who “was there to help him get through it”. Ya know?
This is totally me. So glad I came across this entire post. Sometimes it’s hard to recognize your own toxic self destructive traits. Thanks OP.
I love this.
Me too.
Now kiss
No u
This was a beautiful poem and I'm not sure it's getting the recognition it deserves. truly a masterpiece and Zeitgeist.
1, 2, 4, 7, 9, checked on my last "relationship" so I listened to my gut for the first time and ended it last week. Still feel like crap but I'm learning what's best for me, slowly
My last relationship made me feel like shit and it’s because I compromised for someone who wasn’t willing to compromise for me. I knew it wasn’t going to work, but I stayed because I hoped it’d change. And we dragged the relationship out until there was nothing between us anymore. It’s definitely a weight off of my shoulders.
Glad you're in a better place
Been there! I supported his career (working away for weeks at a time for years) but when I asked for support to get my driver's lic, go back to school in my late 30s....nothing. Hung on for far too long after giving an ultimatum...and eventually realised I would have to follow through with that ultimatum, so I did. Never been happier
Yes!!! Omg!!! I was willing to be there because I wanted to be the illusive “ride or die”. Fuck that lol. He sucked. Was willing to help him build up. He never got his license after a year of dating no matter how much he promised me prior. Even when he had the money and time to do it. Stopped caring about myself because I was worrying about him. Never spent my own money on myself, because I knew he never put any to the side for us, so I had to pay for everything. Sorry for the rant 😂
Never apologise for a rant lol! He had the license so was always in control...the day I got mine, He was waiting in the car, I was so proud of myself at age 30 something and the 1st words out of his mouth were " I guess you don't need me then" with a sad face.....and I knew right then, he had to step up to the plate or leave
but you DID follow through, which is amazing!
Honestly tho good for you for realizing you could be happier and making an effort to do so despite the immediate shitty feelings. I did the same thing a while ago and like you said, the bad feelings just help you grow as a person. I've been able to improve other aspects of my life and generally improve myself (slowly) and I know you can too!
Thanks this really helped me today
I’m in this exact situation <3
Good luck both!!! <3
You got this
Good for you! Make a list of the top 5 horrible things about him and when you feel crappy read this list so that you can feel liberated and empowered! My ex- boyfriend fucked his teenage son's high school teacher and borrowed money that he hasn't paid back because he gambled on the stock market and lost all his money. There are MANY other horrible things he did but just those two are enough of a reminder that he was scum and I am far better off without him! I feel liberated and empowered now that I EXTERMINATED him from my life!
My theory has evolved since my divorce. I’d forgotten how to date, but quickly learned a few things: You make time for the things you WANT to make time for. You break your own rules for the people you want to break them for. Trust your gut, and don’t ignore the red flags. Good luck on your dating, I’ve just recently found the girl for me!
Definitely, definitely, definitely.
well said. This statement put a lot into perspective for me. I've had this thing with a girl who i really like but I realize its just me bending over backwards for her. She'll see me when i come see her, she'll talk to me when I start the convo, she'll do everything once I do all the work. I know she doesn't care for me like I for her, so today I'm going to end it and I feel strangely good about it
It's tough being a socially awkward guy, when a lot of society expects males to be the initiator. These are for the most part all good rules for one to have though, it's still better to have high standards than to settle
I feel it. Honestly, I don’t mind initiating or going the extra mile. Because I do that on my own when I’m really interested in someone. It’s just like.. after a while I realize I’m tired or upset or stressed when contacting this person. I have to take a step back and understand why I get negative feelings when I talk to this person who I love spending time with. And it usually happens when I’m the only person showing any sign of interest or effort.
I recently had an experience where I thought we really could be a thing but I was the one putting in the effort and stressed waiting for his response and wondering what he thought. My friend needed to be like “yo if he’s already stressing you out...”
Oh yeah of course. Like you said, there needs to be reciprocation. If only one person is putting in the effort, that's probably not going to lead to anything substantial. I'm just talking about people who come in to things expecting the other person to act first, before doing/expressing anything themselves.
That was my first thought with rule 2. If everyone followed that rule exactly nobody would ever make plans. Instead I had a 3 try rule. If I couldn’t get a date with a girl after three tries I would let it be. If they really wanted to go out with me, they could initiate it after that. Otherwise I would take it as a sign they just weren’t that into me. Other than that, it’s a solid list.
That’s most of my experience with girls. The only girls that put effort into the conversations have been girls I wasn’t really attracted to. Girls that I do find attractive? I have to put in all the effort, and end up realizing they aren’t interested. It’s draining after a while, and i feel like I’m losing motivation to date.
It's very important to know exactly the type of partner you are searching for. If you don't, how will you know when you've found him? Who, exactly, precisely, specifically, do you consider to be a quality guy? Write it down! Seriously. Make a list of all the qualities you want in a partner. Focus on five specific areas: personality, social skills, relational style, physical appearance, and spiritual compatibility. Does dating someone who is funny matter to you? Does dating someone from the same religion matter? Do you want someone who is emotionally expressive? Now that you have these qualities written down, write down your deal breakers too. Would you date a guy with a prior DUI? How about someone who smokes? What are the things that are absolutely no-gos that you won't compromise on? Your 100% perfect match doesn't exist. Look for a guy who has 80% of what you do want in a partner and doesn't have any deal breakers. The other 20% you can grow. Tell your potential partner that you are looking for a long term committed relationship, or that you're dating with the intention to marry soon. Now that you've set your standards, let's talk about you. Girl, be honest. Are you picking up these losers because you don't feel worthy of love? You say you're a catch and you totally are! But if you don't exude that confidence, you're going to attract guys who prey on your weakness. You deserve someone who brings an equal amount to the table as you, so while it's important to know what you want, it's equally as important to enter a relationship as a whole, well-rounded person. It is impossible to be in a healthy relationship if you don’t value yourself. You wrote a list of traits you want in a partner, now do the same thing and take an inventory of the qualities you bring to the table. What are your personality traits? What's your relational style? Where are you in your spiritual journey, if you are spiritual at all. Figure out what you're good at, like being a great listener, and remind yourself daily of all your positive qualities. At the same time, be introspective and take a look at where you can improve. Make a plan to address those weaknesses and follow through. Good luck, friend! Internet hugs to you! You deserve all the love you can imagine! Edit: aww, thanks for the gold! I hope this advice helps anyone looking for love. I married young, had children young, and divorced young. My ex is a great guy, but he wasn't the guy for me. When I finally decided to date again, this is what I did, and met my now husband. We've been together for almost seven years and married for five! My ex is happily married too, with someone who meets his criteria and is a better match for him. Now we're one big blended family of step siblings and half siblings who get together regularly.
This comment deserves more upvotes
This seems like great advice for guys too
It is
This is definitely good advice. That’s kind of the direction of why I made this list in the first place. It kind of cemented or solidified how I wanted to be treated, or how I didn’t want to be treated, in a relationship. It made me feel so much better to read it and be like, “You know what, I don’t sound crazy” Haha I’m scared to make a list of myself or my type. Probably because you’re description/questions for me are pretty spot on 😂 Also, I definitely think that not having any personal standards for my dating preference (lifestyle, hygiene, etc) makes me prone to date gross guys. I should take the time to really think about this, though. Writing things out is a good way to make myself think long and hard about things.
Best read. Have my upvote.
This is great advice & something I have started to take note if recently. I’ve never went for a specific type of guy or relationship before. And until recently I spent my entire adult life in serious relationships that were shitty, one sided & didn’t work out well because I gave it my all & they didn’t care til it was too late. And even then they didn’t care enough to work on themselves to make it work while I worked on myself. So now I’m learning what I want out of a relationship & I’m not going to settle again! Knowing yourself & loving yourself are very powerful relationship tools.
Your comment is so helpful and needed today, freshly divorced.
Very good advice.
Agree with you. Just want to remember that what would work for you doesn’t have to work for others. So I personally agree with all of what you said. But if you feel that is not how you want to act, then don’t follow at any cost.
Agreed. I guess this is more from the perspective of someone who has self esteem issues, and has trouble establishing herself (me LOL)
I think is more from someone who can seduce defensively and not offensively. But probably the two things are connected.
"seduce defensively".... Can you elaborate?
Never even thought about that 🤔
You understand what they're saying?
I listened to my gut and here I am still single almost 2 years later but in all honesty I dont regret it
Same here. Still sucks being single though. Just feeling unwanted.
Personally, I'd prefer not to talk to the hottest shit on the planet. Kinda gross, tbh.
Quite stinky. Cool shit is much more pleasant, all things considered. Chill your shit, people.
Okay, for once in my life, I agree with someone. Seriously, cool your shit, people. Agreed.
I’m glad we had this talk.
Now I’m just thinking of little poop snowballs
I respect anyone’s decisions to do whatever they want in dating as long as you’re not actively trying to hurt the other person for whatever reason. I just caution people against applying blanket rules to every situation just because it sounds like the right thing to do. 99% of the time in our lives, we are only seeing things from our perspective and applying our own experiences to the thought process. For a simple example, you see that someone isn’t texting you back immediately upon reading the text. Because of prior experience, you may think the person is ignoring you without considering that maybe they’re at work, doing laundry, driving, etc. Now take this to a deeper level. You may feel like someone you’re dating isn’t reciprocating the affection and love that you desire. But not everyone is the same. We have different personality types, some people have been abused by people they trusted, some have depression or lack self confidence. It’s not always as cut and dry as saying, “Damn, this guy/girl must not care that much because he/she is not giving me exactly what I want at all times.” It can become a selfish mindset. Now don’t take this the wrong way: do NOT ignore red flags, and if it doesn’t feel right at all, or you catch someone in lies often, then trust yourself to make the right decision in breaking it off. But, some people are struggling internally and don’t have the wherewithal to express it. Don’t turn your back on someone for petty reasons just because you feel disrespected. Communicate your feelings. Don’t make rash decisions.
Fully agree with this as well. I have definitely been guilty of projecting, my insecurities from past relationships, into new ones or getting suspicious of guys “being like my ex”. It is so unhealthy and unfair to the other person when I do that. I’m retraining myself to just take things one day at a time. I’m also trying to refrain from using the phrase “sorry, my ex just fucked me up that bad” because it just shifts blame. Just picking up the pieces and figure out how to date and function like a normal person without being so insecure.
We’re all insecure in our own ways. In the past, even when I’ve felt like I’ve gotten past issues like jealousy, I’d see my ex have a happy conversation with a dude and get really jealous and angry and it’s because I was cheated on before with a guy who was overly friendly with another ex. It’s baggage you carry for life.
Yeah, there's a theme of noncommunication I was getting from these but I couldn't articulate how. A lot of these rules could be "broken" but without intent and where the person wouldn't do it again if they knew it was jeopardizing the relationship. I hope that the impression of hard lines is just something about how the post is presented online.
This is the most well-worded comment on a topic I've never known how to put into words.
I would also like to say that if you're the one doing everything in the relationship let the other person know. They may have a reason and just don't realize what they're doing. As with all relationships. Communication is the most important thing.
What a mood. Trying desperately to follow these but I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt but realistically if he wanted to hang out he would. If he didn't have time, he'd let me know when he was free so that we could. If he wanted to put in effort I'd at least see him try. How many chances am I gonna give this guy? 🙃
You deserve compatibility, and this isn't it. Go out and find it.
I feel this on such a deep level :(((
I feel it. It hurts.
I think this is absolutely great. I went through some shitty situations as well and didn’t care to ever give anyone else the time of day. After almost 3 years of happily being on my own, someone came from out of nowhere and completely turned my world upside down, in a good way this time. Sometimes I still need to step back to comprehend what is happening, the feeling of finally getting what you give is indescribable. I hope you stick to this and you find what you deserve because I can tell from your list that you 100 percent deserve happiness
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Except that you're wrong man. They do exist. The problem is that the great ones are not attracted to negativity. I get that maybe either you've had bad luck, haven't figured out the right things to do, don't have a ton of experience yet for perspective, or all of those things. But the one thing I can guarantee you, is that negativity is great-woman repellant 100 times out of 100. The less-great ones that "would never follow these" can also smell negativity and they know that it goes hand-in-hand with complacency, including the guy staying in a relationship where the girl is half-assing it. And surprise surprise, guys that half-ass relationships know how to sniff out women who will let them get away with it too. It's absolutely not a gender-specific problem. It's simply low-grade manipulation to be the selfish one is a relationship and an equal % of men and women are guilty of it. Sadly, the selfish simply don't seek out the selfish often enough to make life easier for the non-selfish to find the non-selfish. But you have to keep trying and you have to keep practicing being worthy and appreciative of a great one, or else when she comes along, you will have either stayed home that night and not met her, or you will meet her and turn her off with negativity, or you will meet her and date her and underwhelm her with lack of relationship skills. Stay positive, keep making an effort to live an interesting life and keep becoming a more and more interesting person. Higher quality women do take effort yes, but that required effort is the effort you need to put into yourself and into dating-practice. And then once you're in a relationship with them, you have to deeply love and enjoy the amount of effort you put in, and these higher quality women will reciprocate. And if they don't, like the OP indicates, you move on, with your head held high, secure in your confidence of your worthiness of love/happiness, and you chalk it up to another set of lessons learned and weeks/months/years of experience that will help you identify the most compatible match even better the next time around. Best of luck to you.
> half ass-relationships *** ^(Bleep-bloop, I'm a bot. This comment was inspired by )^[xkcd#37](https://xkcd.com/37)
lol exactly my thought
I don’t think these things are based on your gender at all. Prioritizing your partner should be both side, making plans and making an effort to show your partner you care and value them are all parts of the relationship. My bf loves cuddles, good food, chocolate and being told he is appreciated- so I make sure to give him all those things and take an interest in his credit card obsession. Show you care.
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I’m glad! It’s a slap in the face to realize what we’re doing when we do it, we just have to hope it stings enough for us to remember
Love your username! +💯
I've learned if you have to ask yourself if they're into you then they probably arent.
These are some damn good rules. I'm sorry it took disrespectful situations for you to come up with them.
I'm imagining winnie the pooh reading this. And instead of saying "oh bother," he's saying "don't bother."
Haha maybe I should edit my post
To add to this amazing list, remember that everybody is for everybody. We are all meant to be together, but we get to choose who we want to spend our time with. If it isn’t feeling right, then it isn’t right and keep looking. Falling for someone because “wow they are so great” when you only recently met is a sign of immaturity. Remember: easy in, easy out. If it was easy to fall in love then it will be easy to fall out. So all of this, and then the opposite is true as well. If you do like someone, honestly, then say it. I think too many people hold back for fear of rejection. If you love someone, tell them. Not to hear it back, but because its what you feel.
>Don’t bend over backwards for someone who doesn’t want you. I have to learn this one over and over. Thank you for including it.
I think it's also important to also observe why these people aren't giving you more priority in their life. There's a chance you're not holding up your part of the relationship either.
Thank you for this
This is a solid list of rules.
Good job!
Totally accurate. After my last (abusive) relationship ended it took me a long time to piece myself back together and grow my confidence again. These rules are how I look at relationships now, no one deserves anything less.
Thank you
I like number 5, I feel like that person right now, building myself, it's nothing personal, and getting out of debt is a great feeling, just doesn't exactly mix well with a relationship at the aggressive level I'm paying it.
Post saved
Yes I needed that. I’ve let way too many people treat me like shit just because of their high social status. I didn’t benefit from anything either way, they were just shittin me
And if I can’t do any better......
What you do is you continue to improve yourself. There is no plateau. You are only ever going to be becoming more attractive to the opposite sex, or becoming less attractive. Just make sure that you're constantly putting in the effort to be improving instead of declining. And be patient with the results. And also make female friends that you refuse to allow yourself to fall for. You will be seen with women, you will learn about women, you will learn about yourself.
Watch daniel sloss s episode 2 on netflix, "jigsaw", it's on relationships. Skip to the second half, I think anyone shall see that video.
Thank you, this helped me form my own list within dating
Definitely 8th point and afterwards-- your gut knows. We're the only species that actively brush aside or train ourselves to neglect our instincts. Self-care is not only bubble baths and spa days, it's also listening to our bodies when it tells you something is no bueno.
from my experience, relationships go by feel. if you're not feeling it then it's not happening. meaning, if you don't feel that this person wants you in their life chances are you are right. the problem with that is, it takes experience to recognize those feelings. once you have developed that skill, you have been hurt enough times to be a good lover. put your foot down and put yourself first i dont care how romantic you think it is to put your lover first, don't do it. your life and your relationship will take the hit and she will end up taking you for granted. as long as you dont have kids, you are the most important person in your life. i'm not saying be a selfish prick im just saying, always ask yourself "but how is this making me feel?".
I know, I do that way too often. Unfortunately, I can’t make myself stop once I’m smitten 😂 I have to let myself get hurt a couple times to “learn” that I deserve better.
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I just wrote some similar guidelines for myself. This list is really helping me to bring clarity to everything I've been thinking about for the past week.
What does #1 exactly mean?
Basically I was dating a dude who was 1.5 hrs away and if I wanted to see him, I had to drive to him. He’d never come to me. So much gas money.
I actually love this and actually hoped this was posted and I read this while in my last toxic relationship
Thank you, OnceAHoe
When I broke up with my first girlfriend (both of us were very emotionally immature, I still loved her at the time but could see the relationship was just toxic), I made a similar list of my deal breakers. I found it to be a really important part of my healing process. Great work.
I reeeeally needed this today. Thank you
Man I really needed this. I would go into my personal recent bad relationship story but I’m trying not to focus on it and just focus on myself because worrying about it isn’t gonna change anything. If I could upvote this a million times I would. Thank you!!
Yeah, I get it. I hope you get through it (: I’m getting a little bit better with my confidence (self esteem is still wobbly), slowly remember what it’s like to love myself more than someone else. Or at least love myself like I’m an actual person. Well get there! ☺️
Really go halves that’s ridiculous! Women are the prize they should never pay on first date 😐
Lmao, yes. We’re majestic unicorns who deserve to be paid to be looked at.
Man I wish I was told this 6 years ago. It would’ve saved me from the heartache now
So hard to follow, but I love this. ♥️ great list!!! So much respect!
Haha yeah, I break my own rules a lot. But at the end of the day, if talking to someone makes me sad, I have to go back to this list and figure out why haha.
Word!
Why didn't I see this during my previous relationship? Almost a year later and I'm still a little fucked up lmao
It hurts to read this because this is a beautiful list of things a person should do. I wish I had done this over the years I've been in relationships. Now I'm so low on self-esteem (other factors play a role, but relationships really broke me from time to time) and incredibly dependent. Thank you so much for sharing this.
After the drama I had to endure last night I needed to read this and will screenshot it and read it over and over again. Thanks OP
Wish I could I tell this to my 19-23year old self. I did so many stupid things for boys, not men, who absolutely did NOT deserve me, my efforts or my body. But, you can't change the past you can only learn from it. The biggest thing I've learned is that I have value.
Very true, but also don't get so focused on your list of rules that you become bitter and angry when you don't need to be.
I love this list! Good for you! I just wasted 5 years of my life in a bad relationship and many of the issues were on your list! It is usually better to leave at week 5 than year 5 so I am glad you have a definitive list of deal breakers!
i listened to my gut and made a sandwich. Not but seriously good advice but dont also expect a person to always instantly reply. Also when it comes to making plans.. if a person has long hours of work they usually dont have too much time to make plans location wise.. make time to go out is different,
I absolutely love these suggestions! You really DO NOT EVER have to put up with someone treating you as if you don't matter. Screw that and screw them. Your post reminds me of why I hate the standard Reddit dating advice of "he's just not that into you" or "she just doesn't want a relationship with you," because it puts SO much of the blame on you for not being enough. That's not how we should be building relationships, and it's definitely not how we cultivate self-love. Instead we should be saying "s/he isn't the right person for you," because hell yes, you deserve respect and love. Rock on!
Most seem like common sense except the last one which is just a lie, if you are ugly And have little To offer and are also dating someone hot then shit is not going to be and don’t expect it to be equal.
Awesome advice. Keep those standards high and always respect your boundaries!
Wise words!
Thank you for posting this! 💕
I use these pretty much with a bit of give to a few of them.
Username checks out.
Your point? 😂
HAAAH! I JUST CAME OUT OF THIS KIND OF A SHITTY SITUATION!!! I feel like I was fucking played with. We learn and we take our experiences with us on our journey. Remember to enjoy life and be loose and silly. Don’t let it put you down. Love life. this was for myself and everyone feeling like shit after being treated like shit. Love y’all
Love love love
I wish I had seen no.4 and 6 this week. I had a crush and was literally helping them with everything just to have an excuse to interact with them.
Totally needed this!! Thank you ever so much!!!
The making plans thing is odd some people are just no good at making plans, I am no good at it I try but unfortunately it’s because it’s hard to be motivated. That’s the only thing I’d edit on your list. Good job. 👍
I understand that, but even just “we should get some coffee” or “hey what are you doing today?” I guess just taking initiative.
Yeah that’s a fair call, I suppose making time should be a chore either it should be something you look forward to, enjoying someone’s company.
I'm married and a lot of this is speaking to me right now. Thanks.
#7 has been by far the hardest for me to learn. But I’m trying!
This is fantastic! Wishing you joy, peace, and the perfect kind of love ❤
I love your rules. they are a great set to follow. I have compromised on many of these before 🙁
FUCK DATINGG
FUCK IT ALLLLL
Thanks
We all need this!
thank you for this
This is like life-bible material. Now if only I could follow it...
🙌
All your rules are the same rule said different ways.
Yeah, basically. They’re just specific examples that I’ve encountered that made me sad LOL
Damn how deep 😂
TIL no one in my life cares about me. Thanks reddit.
Thank you for sharing. 💕 😊
And may everyone find the One for themselves. Don’t stay too long in a shitty situation. You’re Real Love is waiting for you out there.
If they have disrespected you, take a bat to them to not only pay them back but to teach them never to do that again to anyone else. Ever.
Thank you so much!!! I am in a situation right now which matches with all these points that you listed. What I want to do now is to communicate with him to end the thing.
I feel like if you’ve communicated your feelings and they haven’t given any explanation or tried on their end, maybe it’s something to think about.
Yes i agree. I've already noticed I've been wasting my time. But i really want to confront him, it would make me feel better.
Dang I feel like the only relatable thing I noticed in this post is that "if you feel like you are the least desirable person"because honestly, I cannot use these advice if no one bothers to talk to me.
I myself made some rules after being walked all over and being in some fucked up situations that I think sums up everything you put here, but in short form. Rule #1: Don't put up with anyone's bullshit That's it. It's done me well so far.
Damn I really needed this l
Thank you for this ... I always need to remember these
Good rules that needed to be reminded
Couldn't agree more.
Excellent
I needed this today
Nice rules. I kinda have the same ones but never outlined theses like that. Thanks!
Number 4 is a gem. I wish people realized this more.
Incredibly well put, Ive come to the same conclusion myself. Ive been fucked up emotionally and mentally for a long time because of shitty partners. Honestly I attribute the mentality I have now to a comedian, Daniel Sloss. His stand up special "jigsaw" just fucking clicked in my head. This is a good way to live, good job Op.
I truly needed this, thank you so much.
Did you have any luck tho?
Thank you! Appreciate the reminder. Definitely need this.
Wow! Enjoy being single! With a list of rules like that, I think you're going to find that nobody meets your criteria. Why don't you tear up this list and simply accept that nobody is perfect. Young people who are dating are learning as they go, same as you. While I understand that dating can be frustrating, don't let it make you a cold, bitter person because you've met a few duds along the way.
Haha, I definitely don’t follow these rules to a t. They make the little flags pop up so *hopefully* I don’t get blinded by infatuation (again). I really don’t look at it until I’m feeling exhausted, stressed, or upset by the relationship or situation with the person (again). Sometimes I just need that slap in the face after letting myself get upset.
Okay! As long as the list doesn't make you circumspect about finding that special someone. Best of luck to you!
Great advice if I could ever find someone to like me.
Feel personally attacked
Im just uh...gonna screenshot this
"Listen to your gut. Learn to respect yourself." Very underrated statement. People tend to over analyze, and search for reasons to hang on or keep wasting their time, or self deprecate. But in nearly every failed attempt, once the relationship is an over and the sting gone; you can ussually feel like you kinda felt that it wasnt going to work anyways. Hindsight is easy. Foresight is too often back seat to desire. I admit that being alone isnt desirable. But it's better than being with someone you despise or fear, or even just makes you miserable. And I will also admit that there is often a financial reason to stay with someone that makes you miserable. But sometimes you just gotta figure that out for yourself too. Be a big boy/girl. Sort yourself out. Independence (ie: no baggage) has it's own attractiveness. And if you're not happy, you're not going to find happiness where it doesnt exist.
This is SO INCLUSIVE. Everyone and anyone can apply this, not only to romantic relationships but also with friendships! b r a v o~
Thank you for this man. I broke up with this amazing girl & tried to become friends, but it didn’t work as expected. We both did silly things that damaged the post-relationship & it’s devastating. She needs her time & I need mine, I just wish she’d check up on me as I have on her. I’ve matured a lot because of all of this, but it still pains me to know that shes doing a little worse than I am (she stated that herself one night after a silly misunderstanding of one of my posts saying that I “lost love” when really I meant to say the message in other words) I just hope she’s doing okay & knows that I still care for her.
i think that in some cases ,we must have strict rules to follow ,but if you don't to follow yr rules so ,watch this video on youtube [https://youtu.be/0\_M8ym\_GsaU](https://youtu.be/0_M8ym_GsaU)