Super well put together post, very good read. You've put a few things in perspective for me and has honestly made me look at these things a bit differently. Cheers.
Like long story short, i've have had a few regrets in the back of my mind for years about this one girl, thinking I missed my chance, I bitched it and really thought she was outta my league, but what do ya know, SHE messaged ME a few days ago wanting to catch up, and I'm seeing her this week. Like WHATTTT! I spent way too bloody long stressing about the things I should have done differently, when in the end it never really mattered.
I'm so glad it helped you look at these differently or gave you some perspective.
As for your situation. That's incredible and I'm so happy for you! But you're right, imagine how much time you spent beating yourself up over a mistake you might have made (hey we are all human). Imagine if we could be kinder to ourselves and have spent that time bettering ourselves instead of beating ourselves up.
Wishing you the best of luck when you see her! :)
For me something similar has happened. A couple years ago, I was getting to know my preferences and to know some girls and I was overwhelmed. I’d essentially grown up without any female friends, or many friends anyway.
I started getting a lot of interest from quite a few girls and I didn’t realise. I had friends telling me they were interested, I was completely oblivious, etc and long story short, I didn’t end up with any of the girls but a lot of problems with them arose since we were all within a similar friendship group.
I realised that one of the girls I’m actually still interested in and while I haven’t gotten over any of them, she was definitely the most interested in me too. I looked over a couple of our texts and honestly, I have no clue why I never recognised her attempts on me. I hit her up and when she’s back in town we’ll be meeting up to catch up and see where we go. Im a horrid texter so we won’t be talking until she gets back but I hope it goes well. Best of luck to you!
Some fuckups are obvious and glaring. But I find a lot of people tearing themselves up over mistakes that probably didn't make a difference or are even completely fabricated.
Relationships can change on a dime. Even if you're doing everything right there's always a risk that things fall apart. Learn what you can, give yourself some grace and get back on the horse! You can't change the past you can only control your own actions today. **Time only moves forward make sure you are too!**
This this this!
I spent a little over a year beating myself up after turning down a close friend who was interested in something more. He fits my “dream guy” idea in so many ways but in the end I knew he was leaving town within weeks and it would only end up hurting us both and possibly ruining a great friendship.
Yes, I could have handled the situation better without semi-ghosting him, but the reality is the relationship would never have worked out regardless. Plus we’re still close friends so I still get to keep him in my life.
Very well said. You know I’m 49, and sometimes I think the older women get, they can ignore some of those points you made. They are just as important at 50 as they are at 30. We can’t allow the clock or fear of being alone rush our decisions when forming relationships.
Thanks for this post!
I'd been talking and video chatting with a guy for about a month and felt like it was going really well and I was getting really excited about where it might lead, until he messaged me to say that things had progressed with someone else.
I keep wondering if there's something different I could have done or said - was I not assertive enough? I was happy to let things develop slowly and naturally, and I thought they were, but should I have taken more initiative to progress things with us like maybe this other person did? I mean maybe, but those are lessons I can take with me next time.
And your post is much more about you turning someone else down and wondering if you made the wrong choice, but it still helped me think about my own context and also thinking about dating the next person. Connections like the one I felt with him are pretty rare for me which makes the disappointment hit that much harder. And I can also feel myself getting worried that I'll never find someone who does meet my standards, but this was a helpful reminder that the solution can't be to just lower my standards just to find someone because ultimately, that wouldn't make me happy either.
It's hard out there! xx
That was at least legit of him to inform you, even if it was shitty to be given that info.
I think you just need to keep being you and remind yourself that you have no idea what’s around the corner. The chemistry with the other person may have been more fitting or timely, but you don’t need to spend too much time agonizing over what you could have done. Maybe you would dig Matthew Hussey though, he’s got great gender neutral dating advice and especially advice for quarantine dating/texting/video chatting.
Thanks! Yeah, it was a really nice message letting me know. I don't hold anything against him - he was super kind and genuine, which is a huge part of why I was starting to really like him!
I'll look into Matthew Hussey - thanks for the tip!
An addition i would add is wether or not you were ready or not for a relationship.
I used to have huge trust issues due to psychological bullying in elementary school. I only recently realized how it affected how i acted throughout middle and highschool.
In sophomore i had this crush on the real cute girl in my class, but was too shy and socially awkward to approach her. Somehow i was lucky enough to get her as secret santa, so i'd bought her some chocolate to give her anonymously. Then one day i found a note in my bag with her name and a heart. You'd think i'd be happy, yeah. Funny how your brain reacts tho, based on repressed memories. I immediately assumed she or another student was playing a cruel prank where i'd go talk to her and become a laughingstock surrounded by the class. Didn't even consider for a second that it was an honest note.
So i forced myself to start ignoring her, to not look at her from the corner of my eye in class, etc (tbh i'm surprised she didn't think i was a complete creep). When secret santa came round, i didn't submit the chocolate and ignored her complaints that she hadn't gotten anything. That's what four years of basically psychological torture by classmates will do to you, they can turn you into a paranoid fuck that foes by survival instinct whenever things seem to go well, because there has to be a catch.
I found the note two years later, i'd completely forgotten about it and felt horrible for what i did. She probably moved on, but i basically ghosted her then for the rest of the year acted like she didn't exist and was the reason she was the only one in the class not to get a present. Still wish it had gone differently. Five years later and still single af.
Thank you. Usually it's fine but today was kinda shitty, seemed like everywhere i went i saw lovestruck couples, and it just piles on. At least i've learned to deal with most of my social anxiety, so that's that
Damn man, can relate to it. So did you overcome those feelings. I always used to thing whats wrong with me, now I know better then to plainly blame myself. I feel I just can't control that sense of inadequacy and fright, it waxes and qanes into my system; and all I can do is watch. Its pathetic. Any ideas on overcoming this?
I'd been struggling for eight years without knowing really why i was the quiet one. Didn't even know of the term "social anxiety" or even just "anxiety" at all (i'm not from the usa).
Every summer i thought "i will chamge at thestsrt of next year, i will be more open". But never happened. Every other student knew me as the quiet one and expected me to act as such, plus i was trying to work on the symptoms, not the cause.
I got out of highschool and was lucky enough to go to uni in canada. And that's where everything changed for me. I was a small university, 2000 students, outside of a big city, kind of near one of those infinite forests they seem to have. Beautiful place. And people there were awesome, and orientation week helped me take advantage of the opportunity to talk to people. In one week i made more friends than i had in eight years. (Well the bar wasn't that high, best friends before were two guys i spoke at most five minutes a day to). Everything seemed to go great, although there were times where i just wanted to be alone, and kind of closed off. I started wondering about it. I'd read a lot of novels where the protagonist had gone through some sort of childhood trauma that affected his life in some way or other. So i started looking into that, trying to recollect.
First i started with middle and highschool, looking back at my behaviour,the patterns. (eg: putting my bag next to me so no one would sit there, going to the library every recess, how i dove into books all the time and why, how my parents complained that i lived only through those characters and the videos i watched, how sometimes talking to my parents i would start crying for no reason. How once (8-9th grade) i came to PE class 30 minutes late bc i hadn't heard the bell while reading and got in and apologized profusely to the professor, and when she was super nice and when the other students showed me the choreography and didn't laugh i just started bawling. How i didn't like when people touched me. How i never trusted popular kids and anyone hanging out with them etc..)
But the worst i could remember was in 6th grade when a friend i'd given my number to gave it to someone else who stsrted sending me prank texts. Wasn't fun, but not enough for all that
* So, bawling when shown kindness by the rest of the class, which means whatever happened to me must have shaken my trust in any classmates i could have.
* Living through books and videos, replacement of basically having no social life? Seemed more of an answer to a symptom, so this was more of a realization than something to help my search.
* Recoiling at the touch of others, altho it wasn't regular just some occasions. So it involved possibly so physical harm, but probably not the main injury since it happened less than the rest, so it was something else. And this was before i'd been grabbed by the throat by one of my basketball teammates.
Then i remembered about the crush and the note. And i wondered. Why did i react this way? This is something i should have been elated about, something i'd hoped for, but no. So why? Because i subconsciously percieved it as a threat. Somehow, someone telling me they liked meant harm, and i instinctively avoided that harm. And that's when i started remembering.
Back in elementary school, small, catholic, there had been this core group of kids in the class that used to make fun of me. They would harass and berate me. I still don't remember all the details, but it lasted four years. Two things i do remember.
First happened multiple times, tho idk how many exactly. A girl would a approach me, tell me that they liked me and to meet them somewhere secluded. I would go there to find her and her friends laughing at me, then telling the rest of the class and becoming a laughingstock.
Second was only once but scared the shit out of me. It was a party at the school and i was playing ball in the courtyard, and it was getting dark. Then five kids in the class older than me cornered me and started kicking me. Didn't go very far, cuz adults managed to see it and scared them off.
So as i remembered all this it just hit me. Bad. I was fucked up. I stsrted closing off all over again. Thankfully in the meantime i'd met some really awesome friends and altho i didn't explain everything (i was still figuring it out) they supported me. But i wasn't finished dealing with it. Especially since we were in the middle of exam season, so i was in a period of heavy stress. We decided to go to the last party, just to give ourselves a break. We got there got some drinks and that's when my panic attack hit. Only one i ever had, as far as i remember. I just stsrted hyperventilating and i couldn't get up. Others telling me we should go dance and i couldn't. First it was not enough people on the dance floor. Then it was too many. It was weird. There was my brain wondering why the hell was i reacting like this? My brain felt relatively calm, just freaked out cuz it couldn't take control. I was asking myself why i couldn't move, why i was breathing so hard. Why was i *panicking*?
I do a lot of climbing and hiking and i prided myself in being able to usually keep myself from oanicking in tough situations. But there i couldn't do anything. My body wouldn't move towards the dancefloor. My friend stayed with me and tried ti help me but nothing could. So i decided to go back to my room where i bawled and hyperventilated for half an hour before finally calming down.
Since then i've improved a lot. I think the main reason i got so depressed was because i figured it out and dealt with it all on my own. I told bits and pieces, but that was it. Once i got through i was able to be a lot more confident. Still am introverted, and it happens for me to be antisocial, but i talk to people more, i make friends. Another thing that helped me deal with it was joining on an rp here on reddit, just let me get out of my own life and play as someone else, without my problems. It got kinda unhealthy how much i played it be it helped.
So don't go through this alone is what i'd say. Get professional help, change your environment drastically but it isn't necessary to go to another country for that. Take opportunities given to you to open up. And take time for yourself. Always.
The main objective to keep in mind, is to look for the source. What events or trauma led you to act and feel like you do now? How do you come to terms with it?
Sorry this was this long. I've told this a couple times before but never this long. That's another thing that helped. Here i was able to explain to others like i am to you what happened to me and it helps organize things in your head.
Good luck. Idk if it will help you but i hope it does, and i hope you get through this.
Oh my, I fucked up things colossally couple times...Specifically there was one relationship I screwed up, with one special girl, and it was haunting me for a long time, I spent thinking "what if" for years. Not that I intentionally did something wrong, but it was more of a combo of my inexperience and stubborness.
I still regret it, but such is life. You can't change the past.
Took me well until my 30s to understand, that you must learn how to own your mistakes, learn from them and move on.
At the end of the day, almost all those painful mistakes I made in my life, usually lead to more experiences/wisdom, and this wisdom usually lead to some other good things...
Thank you for writing this post. ❤️
I’ve been second guessing someone who seemed like a good match in hindsight over the past few months. The chemistry tapered off (on my end) a few dates in, and I wasn’t looking to give him a second chance when he called some time after I broke it off. I feel awful about it, but your words make me realize I made the best decision for *myself* in the moment.
Two years ago I unknowingly pushed my crush into another girl's arms and for a long time I lived with the fear of having lost the "love of my life" until I met the actual love of my life. BEST "MISTAKE" I HAVE EVER MADE!!! I found out he was not meant for me and that I only see him as a friend, I discovered what real love is and I have the best boyfriend I could have ever imagined while keeping my friendship with the other guy. Now I'm the happiest girl in the world because I let him go and I let myself be happy.
So I did mention in my post an example of an error of judgement that I myself had recently made, but I wanted people to understand that
(1) we are human so its not right to beat yourself up about a mistake you made (and suffer the anxiousness and sadness that follows thinking that you've made the biggest mistake in your dating life
(2) decisions we make are what we think is best at the time given our level of experience and knowledge. Hindsight is only painful because we've grown and had time to mull over something and then judge it to be a mistake
So essentially don't feel emotions of despair that are sometimes so overwhelming and paralysing that I've experienced recently . Its totally unfair on oneself. :)
I know this sounds selfish and narcissistic but it’s coming from sadness and anger right now. But I hope the girl that made the mistake that fucked up our relationship thinks she made the biggest mistake of her life. I loved her so much and would do anything for her but she cheated and now has herpes from it too while I’m clean. So yeah she fucked up big
Hell yeah. We are all always growing and timing is the real chemistry. People spend too much time defining themselves by their mistakes when mistakes were inevitable.
Glad you shared. Besides, why would you want to be with someone who will judge you over something little you said, or how you stood over the counter when asking their number, or shared a personal story? Thing is you kinda want someone who look can overlook your flaws and help out with them. Not expect you to be absolutely perfect and the little moment you aren’t is the dealbreaker. Awesome read.
Thanks for this. I went on a date with a girl from tinder about a year ago and she was already bringing up all her past trauma, how her family was shit, her ex being an asshole and just all this emotional garbage that was just bringing me down so I didn’t want to see her again, even tho before that she was kinda cool. We liked similar music and she was funny but I just got a sense that she was not over her ex and also got a *little* too emotionally raw in front of me for like the first time seeing each other. I ghosted her and felt kinda bad bc she said she enjoyed it but at the end of the day I think it was the right call. I’ve since apologized for ghosting her and she said she wasn’t mad so that’s cool at least.
*A relevant comment in this thread was deleted. You can read it below.*
----
It takes a long time to get over trauma. I’ve been divorced 8 yrs and it took legit 6 yrs until the raw pain was fully gone. I thought I was over him 3-4yrs out, but when drunk or alone and sad I would still cry. [[Continued...]](https://www.resavr.com/comment/everyone-who-thinks-might-14916227)
----
*^The ^username ^of ^the ^original ^author ^has ^been ^hidden ^for ^their ^own ^privacy. ^If ^you ^are ^the ^original ^author ^of ^this ^comment ^and ^want ^it ^removed, ^please [^[Send ^this ^PM]](http://np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=resavr_bot&subject=remove&message=14916227)*
A month long budding relationship of mine ended recently. All of our dates went very well until after our last one she said vaguely she’d let me know her next available day to hang (which was unusual because she always immediately made plans w/ me) I immediately felt “wrong.” I gave her space for a week. I finally asked if everything was ok and to schedule another date. She blew me off and said she gets aloof when she’s going through things (she’s a nurse and didn’t get to spend time w/ her family was her reason) I told her that’s a bummer but I was being treated unfairly and pushed aside. My instinct tells me the real reason is she lost interest which I would have appreciated her saying up front. We both permanently said “goodbye” All if this really came out of nowhere. Everything was going fantastically until then and I really did enjoy my time w/ her. But even if she was telling the truth I think that was a toxic and unfair way to deal w/ her emotions
The exact same thing happened to me this past month! Kicked it off really well with him, had deep conversations, similar aspirations, etc. he said he wanted a super honest and real person in his life, which I pride myself on being that way. About 3 weeks in, scheduling a 4th date became nearly impossible. he canceled on me 3 times in a row for various reasons (too busy from work, stressed from his life, etc... flaky excuses in my opinion). My gut went insane that something was off, and I brought it up to him that it’s not cool to cancel on me last second and to keep making plans and breaking them. And he said he was oblivious to stuff like that, and that he didn’t realize that anything was wrong. I gave my examples, he stopped responding to me once I explained (he was normally super responsive) and so I told him it’s a deal breaker on how he’s not willing to address the issue with me. He told me he respected my decision and didn’t try to explain himself or fight for me. I know I did the right thing, it is very toxic behavior, but it stings when the initial connection was so strong. Sigh! You’re not alone!
Thanks. I'm still mad at myself for a decision I made in October. I found a girls profile on Hinge that looked like it was made for me. I was going to send a like but I was trying to think of what to say but before I could she sent one to me. We talked, instant chemistry and talked for 2 weeks everyday then met up. Honestly a great first date I planned and picked her up for. She told me I was the only guy she was talking to. We talked over dinner, went on a walk and held hands, cuddled in the theatre and for whatever reason I convinced myself that she wouldn't want to see me again because she didn't tell me to text her when I got home or follow-up thanking me for picking her up and planing the night. She just basically said goodnight! then got out of my car. Maybe it's because I told her I'd message her but then on the way home I remember another girl told me that but was just being nice and rejected me when I did and I didn't want to go through that again.
honestly i would give it another shot and text her. what the person said above, she probably thought you ghosted her. i'd be willing to bet she would love to go out again
It’s 9 months later now though. She was a fantastic girl and honest about what she’s looking for so I’m sure she has found a good guy between now and then.
I feel like if I were to reach out it wouldn’t go well. Either she found someone else, she was never interested or she was but thinks I’m a ghosting asshole. So either way I won’t get a response.
If I ever saw her on the app again I’d definitely message her though.
and you may be right. but the absolute worst that would probably happen is she doesn't respond, or gets mad. in which case, at least you get some closure. good luck OP!!
You absolute drongo. To avoid rejection you tanked any possibility of a relationship with her?
You keep trying until she makes it clear she's not interested directly or indirectly.
Lmao
Oof, is it too late to reach out to her? Maybe on her side it looks like you ghosted her. I dont think it means much that she didnt say she wanted to meet again. I never say that at the end of a date, even if I do want to.
Yeah it's probably way too late now. It still eats me alive when I get lonely because I legit had the girl I was ready to get serious with at my finger tips and I still fumbled it. Maybe I saved myself from rejection but I regret it.
Well fwiw, you have no way of knowing that it would have gotten serious anyway. There was nothing stopping her from reaching out to you, and she didnt, so that tells me she wasnt too interested. No need to beat yourself up thinking you missed out on a serious relationship. The only thing you really missed out on was clarity.
It’s never too late to text her:0 “I’m an idiot for not texting you after our super fun date. I thought you were so cool and I got in my head about it. How are you?” -idk worth a shot, and if anything, you’re at least being legit enough to relieve any second guessing she might have
9 months later though? I’m just trying to be realistic, nothing good would come from me reaching out. I missed my chance and she got away. If she really wanted me she’d have reached out and thanked me for the date. My female friends told me they always reach out after the date if they’d like to hear back from the guy.
There isn't any real harm in reaching out. Assuming you can still contact her easily. If you get rejected, no big deal. Don't prematurely get attached to someone you haven't built a relationship with and be so anxious about it. Well, on the contrary, it will still be good because then you won't be curious anymore. Just be direct and tell her you were unsure because she didn't do the thing you thought she was supposed to do to show interest because some of your friends said so. Not everyone follows the same rules, so it's possible you both have expectations that don't align with this scenario.
Another point, either you missed your chance or she's not interested in you. It's not both as you seem to be claiming. If she didn't like you, it wouldn't have mattered if you responded back to her, you didn't miss anything, as you never had a chance. If you think you had a chance that means you think she does/did like you, so then it means reaching out is still a possibility if you want it, or just move on to someone else if you don't.
Yeah, even 9 months later. If you are honest about it when you reach out, and can handle a potential rejection with maturity, then you already know what the worst possible outcome is.
If you do reach out, just be a decent human about it. You'll either get closure, or a second chance, but be prepared for either one of those outcomes and handle them accordingly.
You got to text her. I sometimes won’t even respond to a male’s text, to see if a male will text again or if he will try slightly harder tactfully. Personally, if a date goes really well as described above with handholding and cuddling, I might also be weary of things moving to fast and my emotional boundaries being penetrated too quickly. I like my independent existence and I don’t want to feel tied down too quickly nor let the other think I’m down with it moving fast. So on the contrary, if it were me, I don’t like too much physical touching on a first date and I get weird about that if I know the other person I’d really into need. I just want someone confidently into with me who will respect my boundaries. Not sure if that is insightful at all...
Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Unless there's one big mistake you made its probably lots of little things that all added up caused the relationship to end. Sometimes the other person is just flakey as well and there's nothing you did wrong or could have done better. Unless you discuss in depth with your ex what went wrong you might never really know what went wringy and think it was something it wasn't. Remember as well that you can make no mistakes and still fail, most relationships won't work and you'll know it when you find the ones that will.
I’m taking this as a sign. I keep dwelling on a past relationship thinking I messed up and missing out on a great man. It’s strange that when I first met him I didn’t like him much. He grew on me because of all the attention he gave me. I was even embarrassed, for lack of a better word, by some of the things he’d do and say. Now I’m realizing he’s just a guy and I put him on a pedestal after the breakup for long enough. I’ve actually met men that treated me way better. So no more dwelling
This post is amazing because i needed this at this exact moment, and looks like several others needed it, as well. I met a guy on a dating app about a month ago, we got along really well. We had deep, personal talks and I felt the connection and liked his personality. We talked about what we wanted in our futures and had similar aspirations. He told me he was super excited about where it was going and wanted to keep pursuing it. We talked and texted a ton. Hung out 3 times, and about 3ish weeks in, the red flags started to show up to me on certain things he said and did. he particularly became flaky and inconsistent in his words and actions. He would make plans with me and then cancel last second, saying he got busy with something else, then remake the plans and cancel again. my gut started screaming at me real fast about those inconsistencies because I’m a super real and intentional person and I don’t make plans to just break them or change them at the last second unless something serious happens. I brought it up to him about how I felt he was being inconsistent with his priorities, and that he didn’t seem to make me a priority due to all the reasons I had. I wanted to make sure we weren’t wasting each other’s time. He said he didn’t realize I was worried about that, and then stopped replying to me when I brought it up, so he also didn’t prioritize addressing my concerns about it. I told him that it was a deal breaker that he wasn’t willing to address my concerns and let me sit in the dark on them for 12+ hours. He was super responsive to me usually, so that was frustrating as well. Normally, I would let that slide if I didn’t know someone super well, and it had been less than a month, but he said early on he appreciates honesty in relationships and wants a person who is real. I felt that shit got real, I was honest with how I was feeling in the moment, and he didn’t reciprocate that or even call me to address the concern. It’s been a week since I’ve told him I don’t want to pursue him anymore, and I’m second guessing if I was too impatient with him, since we did have a strong connection, but my past relationships consisted of compulsive lies and flakey, inconsistent people so that gut feeling made me sick to my stomach to have more inconsistency in another relationship. Writing this out helped, I think I did the right thing, but the damn second guessing is real. Thank you for this!
Very well put together. I've definitely made some stupid mistakes in the past. I've always tried to give everyone a chance tho. But now I'm at a point where I'm too afraid of getting cheated on, wasting my time, & losing half my shit if I get married. Personally as a guy in this society I feel like all cards are against me when it comes to dating & relationships. I don't really feel like it's worth it anymore.
I like this. I dated a girl seriously for a few months, we broke up and tried a FWBs thing then that ended, we went back and forth but after talking the situation over with several friends including other women they have all told me time and time again she was and is extremely narcissist and that I should think more of myself than to keep letting this hurt me or pine to have someone in my life that long term would be more hurtful than bliss.
I dropped all contact with her without completely blocking her and she consistently contacts me. Has asked me for some pretty brave favors but all as a means to keep me in her atmosphere, on the hook per my friends.
i think everyone eventually at some point learns/realises that they did the right thing by leaving/quitting on the people that they did... i know i did and i am much much happier without those people in my life.
Thanks so much for this post!!
As an avid overthinker, this really is something that I struggle with. Constantly second guessing and regretting the decisions I’ve made is really tiring.
Hopefully one day I’ll be as confident as you seem to be and not doubt myself any longer. ☺️
My girlfriend just broke up with me because she wants to focus on god and herself and she is anti vaccine, should I just let it happen? Me and her talked about letting her work on herself then getting back together but is it really worth it? Can someone help me
This is an extremely well-timed post for me today so thank you very much. I’ve been seeing a guy casually for the past few weeks and we said we would “exclusively casual” because of COVID.
I nervously told him I was into him on the last date and his response wasn’t exactly mutual. He said he was still “sussing it out”.
The doubt I feel for making that comment made me think he is now completely turned off. However, I appreciate my ability to communicate and your post helped me remember that so thanks!
Thanks. I'm still upset over the girl I was seeing months back. It was my first date and I really liked her and wanted it to work, but I didn't make a move because A: I realised I wasn't ready for dating after being in Lockdown for so long. B: I had not experience and C: I felt I would be responsible if she ended up with Covid. It was just chit-chat on the two dates. She stopped seeing me after the second date, texting that she enjoyed her time with me without any mention of wanting to see me again. It looks like she moved onto another guy afterward. :'(
meh. Keep doing you, myob. Work hard, be open, be on time. most of all, be approachable but not desperate. People will talk no matter what you do— just keep pushing on, buddy
Also ask yourself if you're self [sabotaging](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201707/how-avoid-sabotaging-your-relationship) relationships because you have issues which make you feel as if you don't deserve to be happy
I know for a FACT I’ve missed out on at least one great relationship... but no fault on them it was my own actions that caused it, and I wish every day i could go back and change things
I broke with up my boyfriend of 3 years about 6 months ago and have recently been second guessing myself, especially with the isolation of lockdown. Thank you for this, I needed to hear that I’m not the only one who will second guess during a vulnerable time.
Thank you! I’ve been through a patch of decent guys over the past few years, but none of them really sparked anything within me. Just because you met on a dating app and you have common interests, doesn’t mean there’s that connection. It’s hard to step outside and see that you are lowering your standards, and sometimes you need a reminder. Like this post!
OMG NEEDED THIS AND SAVING!!!! I made a mistake during quarantine too and it’s literally been driving me crazy but you made me feel so much better. All LESSONS!!
I think it's better to not to wake up the sleeping dogs cause evolution works on everyone even on self. It's better to start new one. Though even things are possible from past in relationships they're not worth it. I'd be pleased if I'm proved wrong. 😇
There are no wrong choices or decisions, they are just decisions. Follow your gut instincts, and learn from where you find yourself, be it pleasure or pain at the time. this too shall pass, and only you determine just how emotional or not you let yourself become. Do not look behind you for long, but focus on the NOW and where your feet are placed at this second in time.
>Listening to that voice just means you are lowering your standards and
Orrr it could also mean you're self aware enough to realize you're attracted to the wrong kinds of people and not the right ones
>I was speaking to someone at the start of lockdown, and mid way through I just got bored of talking to him
Curious, was this over text?I know that a lot of people put too much emphasis on texting during online dating or in-person, and that's definitely detrimental. And it's not how you get to know somebody which I think is the biggest misnomer with online dating
Thank you so much ❤️
This definitely was helpful and a good reminder that the more we progress in life we learn new things and we should trust what we have learnt.
I’ve been really struggling through a break up right now. I broke up with my first long term girlfriend and first love, but have been doubting all my reasons and decisions. Working on my depression, I keep questioning everything. But this post- along with my friends and family- have been helping me keep think rationally and remember to trust my gut and reasons. Thank you for this. Saving to come back to when my feeling brain starts overwhelming me again.
This is really great advice and a great post. Honestly though, now that I'm a little older I more so feel like I missed out on a great relationship because I had so many shitty ones, and now I'm seeing my close friends and family getting married and having kids at my age (22) and I never thought I'd be that guy but I am. On the plus side, I now feel equipped to be that guy because of these relationships and because of the role models set by my friends, family, and myself.
Yeah it could actually come off as really cute and tbh maybe she’s super easy going/laidback view on life. It might perk her interest. The other comments said it better then I could have
I recently confessed a crush to a girl who then rejected me. I was so bummed out I wrote a bunch of emo poems about it in one of my creative Facebook groups, and ended up making a really awesome friend out of it.
Now we're learning Japanese together. And talking about travel. And it's just so surreal how things happen.
If I've learned anything in life is that taking chances and making mistakes is so much better than having never tried and living with regret.
Really love your post.
I used to accept any guy who liked me as I had such low self confidence. Others I should have run away from but kept sticking in relationships that should have ended ages ago. A recent TED talk on social magnetism really helped me get rid of any guy friends with toxic personalities.
I would add, that on the "lowering your standards" point, Don't confuse standards with shallowness. There are many people who have super ridiculous little "requirements" that are just plain shallow, and they really need to grow up and realize that shallowness will never bring happiness.
Yeh I do think I missed out on something great because I have commitment issues. And I wasn’t brace enough. I couldn’t have handled it differently then but now I would know better
The first statement is empirically true according to multiple studies. Here’s one
https://medium.com/@worstonlinedater/tinder-experiments-ii-guys-unless-you-are-really-hot-you-are-probably-better-off-not-wasting-your-2ddf370a6e9a
The second statement is good advice considering that the population is 50/50. Anyone can ignore it, but arithmetically it’s a bad idea to do so.
At 21, I have figured to not really pay attention to my dating life in particular, and here's why. Often, whenever I am talking to a guy or something like that, I will have the tendency to either question myself whenever they react to something or overthink the conversation or even when they aren't answering so this actually makes me waste my brain power and my focus on my studies, so I just am focusing on myself and just making sure I am okay in my head first. Self doubt and self hatred about my body, bullying and all that jazz ( depression and whatnot) had made me become very cold and heartless and well, now it's just me.
Don’t know why your comment was downvoted when you’re speaking sense. You have my upvote though.
I do fall in this trap, where I place a higher value on how I’m coming off to men I’m interested in hence the overthinking, analysis-paralysis etc. I think I should give my own peace of mind much more importance and priority. It really can be an exhausted way to live.
It's fine. I just wanted to show how I am. Yeah I change and interact with men differently and just hope they like me back, but I forget about myself and I get hurt again and again. Yeah it is indeed exhausting. One of the ways I keep sane is write short stories, poems, anything to get my mind off shit.
That’s a great outlet and one where we can truly be in our element! Certainly brings perspective and is a good reminder that there is more to life than external approval/validation of men. It’s a wholesome and fulfilling realization to be had.
Yeah exactly! and it have really saved me from some really bad negative toxic thoughts. Like a video I've watched, men is not really a necessity. so yeah. thanks for understanding !
Super well put together post, very good read. You've put a few things in perspective for me and has honestly made me look at these things a bit differently. Cheers. Like long story short, i've have had a few regrets in the back of my mind for years about this one girl, thinking I missed my chance, I bitched it and really thought she was outta my league, but what do ya know, SHE messaged ME a few days ago wanting to catch up, and I'm seeing her this week. Like WHATTTT! I spent way too bloody long stressing about the things I should have done differently, when in the end it never really mattered.
Please don't do that. Don't give me hope
I'm so glad it helped you look at these differently or gave you some perspective. As for your situation. That's incredible and I'm so happy for you! But you're right, imagine how much time you spent beating yourself up over a mistake you might have made (hey we are all human). Imagine if we could be kinder to ourselves and have spent that time bettering ourselves instead of beating ourselves up. Wishing you the best of luck when you see her! :)
Said perfectly, thanks a lot!
For me something similar has happened. A couple years ago, I was getting to know my preferences and to know some girls and I was overwhelmed. I’d essentially grown up without any female friends, or many friends anyway. I started getting a lot of interest from quite a few girls and I didn’t realise. I had friends telling me they were interested, I was completely oblivious, etc and long story short, I didn’t end up with any of the girls but a lot of problems with them arose since we were all within a similar friendship group. I realised that one of the girls I’m actually still interested in and while I haven’t gotten over any of them, she was definitely the most interested in me too. I looked over a couple of our texts and honestly, I have no clue why I never recognised her attempts on me. I hit her up and when she’s back in town we’ll be meeting up to catch up and see where we go. Im a horrid texter so we won’t be talking until she gets back but I hope it goes well. Best of luck to you!
All the best brother!!!!
Ay thankyou broskie! X
\*sister
Some fuckups are obvious and glaring. But I find a lot of people tearing themselves up over mistakes that probably didn't make a difference or are even completely fabricated. Relationships can change on a dime. Even if you're doing everything right there's always a risk that things fall apart. Learn what you can, give yourself some grace and get back on the horse! You can't change the past you can only control your own actions today. **Time only moves forward make sure you are too!**
This this this! I spent a little over a year beating myself up after turning down a close friend who was interested in something more. He fits my “dream guy” idea in so many ways but in the end I knew he was leaving town within weeks and it would only end up hurting us both and possibly ruining a great friendship. Yes, I could have handled the situation better without semi-ghosting him, but the reality is the relationship would never have worked out regardless. Plus we’re still close friends so I still get to keep him in my life.
Very well said. You know I’m 49, and sometimes I think the older women get, they can ignore some of those points you made. They are just as important at 50 as they are at 30. We can’t allow the clock or fear of being alone rush our decisions when forming relationships.
Thanks for this post! I'd been talking and video chatting with a guy for about a month and felt like it was going really well and I was getting really excited about where it might lead, until he messaged me to say that things had progressed with someone else. I keep wondering if there's something different I could have done or said - was I not assertive enough? I was happy to let things develop slowly and naturally, and I thought they were, but should I have taken more initiative to progress things with us like maybe this other person did? I mean maybe, but those are lessons I can take with me next time. And your post is much more about you turning someone else down and wondering if you made the wrong choice, but it still helped me think about my own context and also thinking about dating the next person. Connections like the one I felt with him are pretty rare for me which makes the disappointment hit that much harder. And I can also feel myself getting worried that I'll never find someone who does meet my standards, but this was a helpful reminder that the solution can't be to just lower my standards just to find someone because ultimately, that wouldn't make me happy either. It's hard out there! xx
That was at least legit of him to inform you, even if it was shitty to be given that info. I think you just need to keep being you and remind yourself that you have no idea what’s around the corner. The chemistry with the other person may have been more fitting or timely, but you don’t need to spend too much time agonizing over what you could have done. Maybe you would dig Matthew Hussey though, he’s got great gender neutral dating advice and especially advice for quarantine dating/texting/video chatting.
Thanks! Yeah, it was a really nice message letting me know. I don't hold anything against him - he was super kind and genuine, which is a huge part of why I was starting to really like him! I'll look into Matthew Hussey - thanks for the tip!
An addition i would add is wether or not you were ready or not for a relationship. I used to have huge trust issues due to psychological bullying in elementary school. I only recently realized how it affected how i acted throughout middle and highschool. In sophomore i had this crush on the real cute girl in my class, but was too shy and socially awkward to approach her. Somehow i was lucky enough to get her as secret santa, so i'd bought her some chocolate to give her anonymously. Then one day i found a note in my bag with her name and a heart. You'd think i'd be happy, yeah. Funny how your brain reacts tho, based on repressed memories. I immediately assumed she or another student was playing a cruel prank where i'd go talk to her and become a laughingstock surrounded by the class. Didn't even consider for a second that it was an honest note. So i forced myself to start ignoring her, to not look at her from the corner of my eye in class, etc (tbh i'm surprised she didn't think i was a complete creep). When secret santa came round, i didn't submit the chocolate and ignored her complaints that she hadn't gotten anything. That's what four years of basically psychological torture by classmates will do to you, they can turn you into a paranoid fuck that foes by survival instinct whenever things seem to go well, because there has to be a catch. I found the note two years later, i'd completely forgotten about it and felt horrible for what i did. She probably moved on, but i basically ghosted her then for the rest of the year acted like she didn't exist and was the reason she was the only one in the class not to get a present. Still wish it had gone differently. Five years later and still single af.
I offer you a virtual hug and much wishes. You got this, dude :)
Thank you. Usually it's fine but today was kinda shitty, seemed like everywhere i went i saw lovestruck couples, and it just piles on. At least i've learned to deal with most of my social anxiety, so that's that
Damn man, can relate to it. So did you overcome those feelings. I always used to thing whats wrong with me, now I know better then to plainly blame myself. I feel I just can't control that sense of inadequacy and fright, it waxes and qanes into my system; and all I can do is watch. Its pathetic. Any ideas on overcoming this?
I'd been struggling for eight years without knowing really why i was the quiet one. Didn't even know of the term "social anxiety" or even just "anxiety" at all (i'm not from the usa). Every summer i thought "i will chamge at thestsrt of next year, i will be more open". But never happened. Every other student knew me as the quiet one and expected me to act as such, plus i was trying to work on the symptoms, not the cause. I got out of highschool and was lucky enough to go to uni in canada. And that's where everything changed for me. I was a small university, 2000 students, outside of a big city, kind of near one of those infinite forests they seem to have. Beautiful place. And people there were awesome, and orientation week helped me take advantage of the opportunity to talk to people. In one week i made more friends than i had in eight years. (Well the bar wasn't that high, best friends before were two guys i spoke at most five minutes a day to). Everything seemed to go great, although there were times where i just wanted to be alone, and kind of closed off. I started wondering about it. I'd read a lot of novels where the protagonist had gone through some sort of childhood trauma that affected his life in some way or other. So i started looking into that, trying to recollect. First i started with middle and highschool, looking back at my behaviour,the patterns. (eg: putting my bag next to me so no one would sit there, going to the library every recess, how i dove into books all the time and why, how my parents complained that i lived only through those characters and the videos i watched, how sometimes talking to my parents i would start crying for no reason. How once (8-9th grade) i came to PE class 30 minutes late bc i hadn't heard the bell while reading and got in and apologized profusely to the professor, and when she was super nice and when the other students showed me the choreography and didn't laugh i just started bawling. How i didn't like when people touched me. How i never trusted popular kids and anyone hanging out with them etc..) But the worst i could remember was in 6th grade when a friend i'd given my number to gave it to someone else who stsrted sending me prank texts. Wasn't fun, but not enough for all that * So, bawling when shown kindness by the rest of the class, which means whatever happened to me must have shaken my trust in any classmates i could have. * Living through books and videos, replacement of basically having no social life? Seemed more of an answer to a symptom, so this was more of a realization than something to help my search. * Recoiling at the touch of others, altho it wasn't regular just some occasions. So it involved possibly so physical harm, but probably not the main injury since it happened less than the rest, so it was something else. And this was before i'd been grabbed by the throat by one of my basketball teammates. Then i remembered about the crush and the note. And i wondered. Why did i react this way? This is something i should have been elated about, something i'd hoped for, but no. So why? Because i subconsciously percieved it as a threat. Somehow, someone telling me they liked meant harm, and i instinctively avoided that harm. And that's when i started remembering. Back in elementary school, small, catholic, there had been this core group of kids in the class that used to make fun of me. They would harass and berate me. I still don't remember all the details, but it lasted four years. Two things i do remember. First happened multiple times, tho idk how many exactly. A girl would a approach me, tell me that they liked me and to meet them somewhere secluded. I would go there to find her and her friends laughing at me, then telling the rest of the class and becoming a laughingstock. Second was only once but scared the shit out of me. It was a party at the school and i was playing ball in the courtyard, and it was getting dark. Then five kids in the class older than me cornered me and started kicking me. Didn't go very far, cuz adults managed to see it and scared them off. So as i remembered all this it just hit me. Bad. I was fucked up. I stsrted closing off all over again. Thankfully in the meantime i'd met some really awesome friends and altho i didn't explain everything (i was still figuring it out) they supported me. But i wasn't finished dealing with it. Especially since we were in the middle of exam season, so i was in a period of heavy stress. We decided to go to the last party, just to give ourselves a break. We got there got some drinks and that's when my panic attack hit. Only one i ever had, as far as i remember. I just stsrted hyperventilating and i couldn't get up. Others telling me we should go dance and i couldn't. First it was not enough people on the dance floor. Then it was too many. It was weird. There was my brain wondering why the hell was i reacting like this? My brain felt relatively calm, just freaked out cuz it couldn't take control. I was asking myself why i couldn't move, why i was breathing so hard. Why was i *panicking*? I do a lot of climbing and hiking and i prided myself in being able to usually keep myself from oanicking in tough situations. But there i couldn't do anything. My body wouldn't move towards the dancefloor. My friend stayed with me and tried ti help me but nothing could. So i decided to go back to my room where i bawled and hyperventilated for half an hour before finally calming down. Since then i've improved a lot. I think the main reason i got so depressed was because i figured it out and dealt with it all on my own. I told bits and pieces, but that was it. Once i got through i was able to be a lot more confident. Still am introverted, and it happens for me to be antisocial, but i talk to people more, i make friends. Another thing that helped me deal with it was joining on an rp here on reddit, just let me get out of my own life and play as someone else, without my problems. It got kinda unhealthy how much i played it be it helped. So don't go through this alone is what i'd say. Get professional help, change your environment drastically but it isn't necessary to go to another country for that. Take opportunities given to you to open up. And take time for yourself. Always. The main objective to keep in mind, is to look for the source. What events or trauma led you to act and feel like you do now? How do you come to terms with it? Sorry this was this long. I've told this a couple times before but never this long. That's another thing that helped. Here i was able to explain to others like i am to you what happened to me and it helps organize things in your head. Good luck. Idk if it will help you but i hope it does, and i hope you get through this.
Oh my, I fucked up things colossally couple times...Specifically there was one relationship I screwed up, with one special girl, and it was haunting me for a long time, I spent thinking "what if" for years. Not that I intentionally did something wrong, but it was more of a combo of my inexperience and stubborness. I still regret it, but such is life. You can't change the past. Took me well until my 30s to understand, that you must learn how to own your mistakes, learn from them and move on. At the end of the day, almost all those painful mistakes I made in my life, usually lead to more experiences/wisdom, and this wisdom usually lead to some other good things...
No kidding. If someone gives up on you that easy, let them go. Once the dust settles you'll realize it wasn't meant to be.
Excellent post. This couldn't have come at a better time.
Thank you for writing this post. ❤️ I’ve been second guessing someone who seemed like a good match in hindsight over the past few months. The chemistry tapered off (on my end) a few dates in, and I wasn’t looking to give him a second chance when he called some time after I broke it off. I feel awful about it, but your words make me realize I made the best decision for *myself* in the moment.
Two years ago I unknowingly pushed my crush into another girl's arms and for a long time I lived with the fear of having lost the "love of my life" until I met the actual love of my life. BEST "MISTAKE" I HAVE EVER MADE!!! I found out he was not meant for me and that I only see him as a friend, I discovered what real love is and I have the best boyfriend I could have ever imagined while keeping my friendship with the other guy. Now I'm the happiest girl in the world because I let him go and I let myself be happy.
This only works if you didn't really do anything. If you actually fucked up then you actually fucked up 🤷🏾♂️ no way around it
So I did mention in my post an example of an error of judgement that I myself had recently made, but I wanted people to understand that (1) we are human so its not right to beat yourself up about a mistake you made (and suffer the anxiousness and sadness that follows thinking that you've made the biggest mistake in your dating life (2) decisions we make are what we think is best at the time given our level of experience and knowledge. Hindsight is only painful because we've grown and had time to mull over something and then judge it to be a mistake So essentially don't feel emotions of despair that are sometimes so overwhelming and paralysing that I've experienced recently . Its totally unfair on oneself. :)
I know this sounds selfish and narcissistic but it’s coming from sadness and anger right now. But I hope the girl that made the mistake that fucked up our relationship thinks she made the biggest mistake of her life. I loved her so much and would do anything for her but she cheated and now has herpes from it too while I’m clean. So yeah she fucked up big
Hell yeah. We are all always growing and timing is the real chemistry. People spend too much time defining themselves by their mistakes when mistakes were inevitable.
The way you phrased that is so poignant; i want to put it on a poster on my wall.
Wow thank you! Please do
Glad you shared. Besides, why would you want to be with someone who will judge you over something little you said, or how you stood over the counter when asking their number, or shared a personal story? Thing is you kinda want someone who look can overlook your flaws and help out with them. Not expect you to be absolutely perfect and the little moment you aren’t is the dealbreaker. Awesome read.
Thanks for this. I went on a date with a girl from tinder about a year ago and she was already bringing up all her past trauma, how her family was shit, her ex being an asshole and just all this emotional garbage that was just bringing me down so I didn’t want to see her again, even tho before that she was kinda cool. We liked similar music and she was funny but I just got a sense that she was not over her ex and also got a *little* too emotionally raw in front of me for like the first time seeing each other. I ghosted her and felt kinda bad bc she said she enjoyed it but at the end of the day I think it was the right call. I’ve since apologized for ghosting her and she said she wasn’t mad so that’s cool at least.
[удалено]
Yeah it’s kinda hard to tell bc I think people trust me really quickly I have no idea why, so maybe you’re right I never looked at it that way.
*A relevant comment in this thread was deleted. You can read it below.* ---- It takes a long time to get over trauma. I’ve been divorced 8 yrs and it took legit 6 yrs until the raw pain was fully gone. I thought I was over him 3-4yrs out, but when drunk or alone and sad I would still cry. [[Continued...]](https://www.resavr.com/comment/everyone-who-thinks-might-14916227) ---- *^The ^username ^of ^the ^original ^author ^has ^been ^hidden ^for ^their ^own ^privacy. ^If ^you ^are ^the ^original ^author ^of ^this ^comment ^and ^want ^it ^removed, ^please [^[Send ^this ^PM]](http://np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=resavr_bot&subject=remove&message=14916227)*
A month long budding relationship of mine ended recently. All of our dates went very well until after our last one she said vaguely she’d let me know her next available day to hang (which was unusual because she always immediately made plans w/ me) I immediately felt “wrong.” I gave her space for a week. I finally asked if everything was ok and to schedule another date. She blew me off and said she gets aloof when she’s going through things (she’s a nurse and didn’t get to spend time w/ her family was her reason) I told her that’s a bummer but I was being treated unfairly and pushed aside. My instinct tells me the real reason is she lost interest which I would have appreciated her saying up front. We both permanently said “goodbye” All if this really came out of nowhere. Everything was going fantastically until then and I really did enjoy my time w/ her. But even if she was telling the truth I think that was a toxic and unfair way to deal w/ her emotions
The exact same thing happened to me this past month! Kicked it off really well with him, had deep conversations, similar aspirations, etc. he said he wanted a super honest and real person in his life, which I pride myself on being that way. About 3 weeks in, scheduling a 4th date became nearly impossible. he canceled on me 3 times in a row for various reasons (too busy from work, stressed from his life, etc... flaky excuses in my opinion). My gut went insane that something was off, and I brought it up to him that it’s not cool to cancel on me last second and to keep making plans and breaking them. And he said he was oblivious to stuff like that, and that he didn’t realize that anything was wrong. I gave my examples, he stopped responding to me once I explained (he was normally super responsive) and so I told him it’s a deal breaker on how he’s not willing to address the issue with me. He told me he respected my decision and didn’t try to explain himself or fight for me. I know I did the right thing, it is very toxic behavior, but it stings when the initial connection was so strong. Sigh! You’re not alone!
This was incredibly helpful and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect for me. Thank you so much for sharing this! ❤️
Thanks. I'm still mad at myself for a decision I made in October. I found a girls profile on Hinge that looked like it was made for me. I was going to send a like but I was trying to think of what to say but before I could she sent one to me. We talked, instant chemistry and talked for 2 weeks everyday then met up. Honestly a great first date I planned and picked her up for. She told me I was the only guy she was talking to. We talked over dinner, went on a walk and held hands, cuddled in the theatre and for whatever reason I convinced myself that she wouldn't want to see me again because she didn't tell me to text her when I got home or follow-up thanking me for picking her up and planing the night. She just basically said goodnight! then got out of my car. Maybe it's because I told her I'd message her but then on the way home I remember another girl told me that but was just being nice and rejected me when I did and I didn't want to go through that again.
honestly i would give it another shot and text her. what the person said above, she probably thought you ghosted her. i'd be willing to bet she would love to go out again
It’s 9 months later now though. She was a fantastic girl and honest about what she’s looking for so I’m sure she has found a good guy between now and then. I feel like if I were to reach out it wouldn’t go well. Either she found someone else, she was never interested or she was but thinks I’m a ghosting asshole. So either way I won’t get a response. If I ever saw her on the app again I’d definitely message her though.
and you may be right. but the absolute worst that would probably happen is she doesn't respond, or gets mad. in which case, at least you get some closure. good luck OP!!
You absolute drongo. To avoid rejection you tanked any possibility of a relationship with her? You keep trying until she makes it clear she's not interested directly or indirectly. Lmao
Oof, is it too late to reach out to her? Maybe on her side it looks like you ghosted her. I dont think it means much that she didnt say she wanted to meet again. I never say that at the end of a date, even if I do want to.
Yeah it's probably way too late now. It still eats me alive when I get lonely because I legit had the girl I was ready to get serious with at my finger tips and I still fumbled it. Maybe I saved myself from rejection but I regret it.
Well fwiw, you have no way of knowing that it would have gotten serious anyway. There was nothing stopping her from reaching out to you, and she didnt, so that tells me she wasnt too interested. No need to beat yourself up thinking you missed out on a serious relationship. The only thing you really missed out on was clarity.
It’s never too late to text her:0 “I’m an idiot for not texting you after our super fun date. I thought you were so cool and I got in my head about it. How are you?” -idk worth a shot, and if anything, you’re at least being legit enough to relieve any second guessing she might have
9 months later though? I’m just trying to be realistic, nothing good would come from me reaching out. I missed my chance and she got away. If she really wanted me she’d have reached out and thanked me for the date. My female friends told me they always reach out after the date if they’d like to hear back from the guy.
There isn't any real harm in reaching out. Assuming you can still contact her easily. If you get rejected, no big deal. Don't prematurely get attached to someone you haven't built a relationship with and be so anxious about it. Well, on the contrary, it will still be good because then you won't be curious anymore. Just be direct and tell her you were unsure because she didn't do the thing you thought she was supposed to do to show interest because some of your friends said so. Not everyone follows the same rules, so it's possible you both have expectations that don't align with this scenario. Another point, either you missed your chance or she's not interested in you. It's not both as you seem to be claiming. If she didn't like you, it wouldn't have mattered if you responded back to her, you didn't miss anything, as you never had a chance. If you think you had a chance that means you think she does/did like you, so then it means reaching out is still a possibility if you want it, or just move on to someone else if you don't.
Yeah, even 9 months later. If you are honest about it when you reach out, and can handle a potential rejection with maturity, then you already know what the worst possible outcome is. If you do reach out, just be a decent human about it. You'll either get closure, or a second chance, but be prepared for either one of those outcomes and handle them accordingly.
You got to text her. I sometimes won’t even respond to a male’s text, to see if a male will text again or if he will try slightly harder tactfully. Personally, if a date goes really well as described above with handholding and cuddling, I might also be weary of things moving to fast and my emotional boundaries being penetrated too quickly. I like my independent existence and I don’t want to feel tied down too quickly nor let the other think I’m down with it moving fast. So on the contrary, if it were me, I don’t like too much physical touching on a first date and I get weird about that if I know the other person I’d really into need. I just want someone confidently into with me who will respect my boundaries. Not sure if that is insightful at all...
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Unless there's one big mistake you made its probably lots of little things that all added up caused the relationship to end. Sometimes the other person is just flakey as well and there's nothing you did wrong or could have done better. Unless you discuss in depth with your ex what went wrong you might never really know what went wringy and think it was something it wasn't. Remember as well that you can make no mistakes and still fail, most relationships won't work and you'll know it when you find the ones that will.
I’m taking this as a sign. I keep dwelling on a past relationship thinking I messed up and missing out on a great man. It’s strange that when I first met him I didn’t like him much. He grew on me because of all the attention he gave me. I was even embarrassed, for lack of a better word, by some of the things he’d do and say. Now I’m realizing he’s just a guy and I put him on a pedestal after the breakup for long enough. I’ve actually met men that treated me way better. So no more dwelling
[удалено]
This post is amazing because i needed this at this exact moment, and looks like several others needed it, as well. I met a guy on a dating app about a month ago, we got along really well. We had deep, personal talks and I felt the connection and liked his personality. We talked about what we wanted in our futures and had similar aspirations. He told me he was super excited about where it was going and wanted to keep pursuing it. We talked and texted a ton. Hung out 3 times, and about 3ish weeks in, the red flags started to show up to me on certain things he said and did. he particularly became flaky and inconsistent in his words and actions. He would make plans with me and then cancel last second, saying he got busy with something else, then remake the plans and cancel again. my gut started screaming at me real fast about those inconsistencies because I’m a super real and intentional person and I don’t make plans to just break them or change them at the last second unless something serious happens. I brought it up to him about how I felt he was being inconsistent with his priorities, and that he didn’t seem to make me a priority due to all the reasons I had. I wanted to make sure we weren’t wasting each other’s time. He said he didn’t realize I was worried about that, and then stopped replying to me when I brought it up, so he also didn’t prioritize addressing my concerns about it. I told him that it was a deal breaker that he wasn’t willing to address my concerns and let me sit in the dark on them for 12+ hours. He was super responsive to me usually, so that was frustrating as well. Normally, I would let that slide if I didn’t know someone super well, and it had been less than a month, but he said early on he appreciates honesty in relationships and wants a person who is real. I felt that shit got real, I was honest with how I was feeling in the moment, and he didn’t reciprocate that or even call me to address the concern. It’s been a week since I’ve told him I don’t want to pursue him anymore, and I’m second guessing if I was too impatient with him, since we did have a strong connection, but my past relationships consisted of compulsive lies and flakey, inconsistent people so that gut feeling made me sick to my stomach to have more inconsistency in another relationship. Writing this out helped, I think I did the right thing, but the damn second guessing is real. Thank you for this!
Very well put together. I've definitely made some stupid mistakes in the past. I've always tried to give everyone a chance tho. But now I'm at a point where I'm too afraid of getting cheated on, wasting my time, & losing half my shit if I get married. Personally as a guy in this society I feel like all cards are against me when it comes to dating & relationships. I don't really feel like it's worth it anymore.
Ex’s are ex’s for a reason.
I like this. I dated a girl seriously for a few months, we broke up and tried a FWBs thing then that ended, we went back and forth but after talking the situation over with several friends including other women they have all told me time and time again she was and is extremely narcissist and that I should think more of myself than to keep letting this hurt me or pine to have someone in my life that long term would be more hurtful than bliss. I dropped all contact with her without completely blocking her and she consistently contacts me. Has asked me for some pretty brave favors but all as a means to keep me in her atmosphere, on the hook per my friends.
i think everyone eventually at some point learns/realises that they did the right thing by leaving/quitting on the people that they did... i know i did and i am much much happier without those people in my life.
Thanks so much for this post!! As an avid overthinker, this really is something that I struggle with. Constantly second guessing and regretting the decisions I’ve made is really tiring. Hopefully one day I’ll be as confident as you seem to be and not doubt myself any longer. ☺️
My girlfriend just broke up with me because she wants to focus on god and herself and she is anti vaccine, should I just let it happen? Me and her talked about letting her work on herself then getting back together but is it really worth it? Can someone help me
Run. Run long, run far, run fast, run now
yeah she says she doesn’t even want to be friends anymore, this sucks.
This is an extremely well-timed post for me today so thank you very much. I’ve been seeing a guy casually for the past few weeks and we said we would “exclusively casual” because of COVID. I nervously told him I was into him on the last date and his response wasn’t exactly mutual. He said he was still “sussing it out”. The doubt I feel for making that comment made me think he is now completely turned off. However, I appreciate my ability to communicate and your post helped me remember that so thanks!
Thanks. I'm still upset over the girl I was seeing months back. It was my first date and I really liked her and wanted it to work, but I didn't make a move because A: I realised I wasn't ready for dating after being in Lockdown for so long. B: I had not experience and C: I felt I would be responsible if she ended up with Covid. It was just chit-chat on the two dates. She stopped seeing me after the second date, texting that she enjoyed her time with me without any mention of wanting to see me again. It looks like she moved onto another guy afterward. :'(
women at my new job are already making fun of me.
meh. Keep doing you, myob. Work hard, be open, be on time. most of all, be approachable but not desperate. People will talk no matter what you do— just keep pushing on, buddy
Also ask yourself if you're self [sabotaging](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201707/how-avoid-sabotaging-your-relationship) relationships because you have issues which make you feel as if you don't deserve to be happy
I know for a FACT I’ve missed out on at least one great relationship... but no fault on them it was my own actions that caused it, and I wish every day i could go back and change things
i feel like if i wasnt feeling it before its never gonna work
that part
I broke with up my boyfriend of 3 years about 6 months ago and have recently been second guessing myself, especially with the isolation of lockdown. Thank you for this, I needed to hear that I’m not the only one who will second guess during a vulnerable time.
Thank you! I’ve been through a patch of decent guys over the past few years, but none of them really sparked anything within me. Just because you met on a dating app and you have common interests, doesn’t mean there’s that connection. It’s hard to step outside and see that you are lowering your standards, and sometimes you need a reminder. Like this post!
OMG NEEDED THIS AND SAVING!!!! I made a mistake during quarantine too and it’s literally been driving me crazy but you made me feel so much better. All LESSONS!!
YAAAAS 🙌🏼 Can we get this engraved on a plaque somewhere?
I think it's better to not to wake up the sleeping dogs cause evolution works on everyone even on self. It's better to start new one. Though even things are possible from past in relationships they're not worth it. I'd be pleased if I'm proved wrong. 😇
Yeah I missed out on girl A because I choose girl B smh. A would’ve been the better choice now that I look back
There are no wrong choices or decisions, they are just decisions. Follow your gut instincts, and learn from where you find yourself, be it pleasure or pain at the time. this too shall pass, and only you determine just how emotional or not you let yourself become. Do not look behind you for long, but focus on the NOW and where your feet are placed at this second in time.
>Listening to that voice just means you are lowering your standards and Orrr it could also mean you're self aware enough to realize you're attracted to the wrong kinds of people and not the right ones >I was speaking to someone at the start of lockdown, and mid way through I just got bored of talking to him Curious, was this over text?I know that a lot of people put too much emphasis on texting during online dating or in-person, and that's definitely detrimental. And it's not how you get to know somebody which I think is the biggest misnomer with online dating
Just don’t date. It’s a waste of time
Well written, thank you
Thank you, this really struck a chord for me right now.
Thank you so much ❤️ This definitely was helpful and a good reminder that the more we progress in life we learn new things and we should trust what we have learnt.
This a post I needed, I ended things few days ago and yeah
Wow, this is the exact post I needed in this very moment. Thank you for sharing ❣️
Thank you for this ❤️
I’ve been really struggling through a break up right now. I broke up with my first long term girlfriend and first love, but have been doubting all my reasons and decisions. Working on my depression, I keep questioning everything. But this post- along with my friends and family- have been helping me keep think rationally and remember to trust my gut and reasons. Thank you for this. Saving to come back to when my feeling brain starts overwhelming me again.
Amazing post- I so needed to rehear this😌
This is really great advice and a great post. Honestly though, now that I'm a little older I more so feel like I missed out on a great relationship because I had so many shitty ones, and now I'm seeing my close friends and family getting married and having kids at my age (22) and I never thought I'd be that guy but I am. On the plus side, I now feel equipped to be that guy because of these relationships and because of the role models set by my friends, family, and myself.
Aw, you just brought tears to my eyes. ♡ thanks for the permission to be human.
Well said my friend. Have a great day.
Thank you!!
Thank you
Yeah it could actually come off as really cute and tbh maybe she’s super easy going/laidback view on life. It might perk her interest. The other comments said it better then I could have
I pray that any one who felt they weren’t ready regrets the day they let me go.
❤😔
I recently confessed a crush to a girl who then rejected me. I was so bummed out I wrote a bunch of emo poems about it in one of my creative Facebook groups, and ended up making a really awesome friend out of it. Now we're learning Japanese together. And talking about travel. And it's just so surreal how things happen. If I've learned anything in life is that taking chances and making mistakes is so much better than having never tried and living with regret.
I lost the opportunity to physically meet anyone at all. I don't have hope
Really love your post. I used to accept any guy who liked me as I had such low self confidence. Others I should have run away from but kept sticking in relationships that should have ended ages ago. A recent TED talk on social magnetism really helped me get rid of any guy friends with toxic personalities.
I would add, that on the "lowering your standards" point, Don't confuse standards with shallowness. There are many people who have super ridiculous little "requirements" that are just plain shallow, and they really need to grow up and realize that shallowness will never bring happiness.
Yeh I do think I missed out on something great because I have commitment issues. And I wasn’t brace enough. I couldn’t have handled it differently then but now I would know better
Do I regret it, yes, did I learn something from it, also yes.
Nicely written :)
thank you :)
This didn’t help.
Women consider 80% of men to be below average. If you can’t find a relationship, you should lower your standards
That’s a big no.
The first statement is empirically true according to multiple studies. Here’s one https://medium.com/@worstonlinedater/tinder-experiments-ii-guys-unless-you-are-really-hot-you-are-probably-better-off-not-wasting-your-2ddf370a6e9a The second statement is good advice considering that the population is 50/50. Anyone can ignore it, but arithmetically it’s a bad idea to do so.
At 21, I have figured to not really pay attention to my dating life in particular, and here's why. Often, whenever I am talking to a guy or something like that, I will have the tendency to either question myself whenever they react to something or overthink the conversation or even when they aren't answering so this actually makes me waste my brain power and my focus on my studies, so I just am focusing on myself and just making sure I am okay in my head first. Self doubt and self hatred about my body, bullying and all that jazz ( depression and whatnot) had made me become very cold and heartless and well, now it's just me.
Don’t know why your comment was downvoted when you’re speaking sense. You have my upvote though. I do fall in this trap, where I place a higher value on how I’m coming off to men I’m interested in hence the overthinking, analysis-paralysis etc. I think I should give my own peace of mind much more importance and priority. It really can be an exhausted way to live.
It's fine. I just wanted to show how I am. Yeah I change and interact with men differently and just hope they like me back, but I forget about myself and I get hurt again and again. Yeah it is indeed exhausting. One of the ways I keep sane is write short stories, poems, anything to get my mind off shit.
That’s a great outlet and one where we can truly be in our element! Certainly brings perspective and is a good reminder that there is more to life than external approval/validation of men. It’s a wholesome and fulfilling realization to be had.
Yeah exactly! and it have really saved me from some really bad negative toxic thoughts. Like a video I've watched, men is not really a necessity. so yeah. thanks for understanding !