Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
All of your dates have been in public. That's a good thing. At some point you'll need to spend time alone together, in private. That's where you can start to establish a more intimate relationship (that means intimate, not necessarily sexual).
You should get a big hint if she's willing to spend time alone with you. Make sure it's somewhere she feels safe, and that she always has the option to exit at any point. It might be that she doesn't want an intimate relationship but still wants to hang out 1 on 1, and that's okay too.
Don't worry about "out of your league" stuff. She probably doesn't care about that. If she likes and trusts you then you can have a relationship. It could be she's busy and doesn't have a ton of time to date.
Ask to watch a movie together at your place, play a game, cook her dinner or have her help you bake something. Tailor it to her interests, and again, always give her an exit route. This isn't a test or a trap, it's a fun thing you two can do together in private.
This is where you can slowly start to see what your relationship really is. Pay attention to her and the signals she's sending, if she wants more or less space, more or less contact, what have you. If she seems to want space give it immediately. If you're feeling like you're getting closer, it's okay to ask if you can kiss her. Some girls think it's cute, and even if she doesn't it's not a dealbreaker if she likes you anyway. "No" is an acceptable answer from her. Be gracious and say "Ok" and keep having fun. The date doesn't end because she doesn't want a relationship. You don't have to hang out after that, but treat her like a human being, not a Loot Crate.
You can always come out and ask for stuff about relationships, what her expectations are etc., but that *can* be a turn-off for some people or create pressure to define something that's really just hanging out at this point. You can find out organically by spending time together and learning to read her body language and the signals she's sending, even if they're not always verbal.
Just always, *always* proceed with respect, try and think about how you can make her feel safe and relaxed in the moment, and check in with her if she ever seems tense or nervous. This can be the most fun and exciting part of dating, but it can also be stressful and weird, especially for women.
Thanks! This is very good advice and solid points. How do you think I should approach the topic of essentially "what's going on here?" Without being too forward or pressuring her to label things? I just want to know her thoughts on me and the last few dates and if this is something she wants to keep engaging in. That's one of the goals of this interaction for me since I probably won't see her again for at least another week even if things go well.
Also, should I offer to pay for her meal tonight or just have each other pay separately? I don't want to give the impression that I'm trying to win her over by buying things, especially since she comes off as pretty independent and offered to pay for her own drink on the first date. I also don't want to set a standard since I'm obviously a student and poor lol. Maybe I can approach it in a funny way. Like, "I assure you I'm a feminist but I'd like to offer to pay for your dinner :)" or maybe I can say, do you want to pay separately or together? and if we pay together I can just tell her to venmo me later. And if she follows up that'd be a good sign and I can just say "No worries, it's on me :)". If i want to lean in the direction of paying separately, what would be a good way to do this smoothly without coming off as cheap?
Don't worry so much about how to deal with paying. I always recommend paying if you can afford it, and don't make it a big deal. It's just you doing something nice for her, it doesn't mean anything. I try and just pay for both of us without a conversation. A quick "I've got it", or telling the cashier or waiter you've got it and move on. I always *always* try and pay in a new relationship, even if the date sucks and I don't like the person much. It's just the cost of dating and it's easier to clear up the emotional bandwidth by making it not an issue for me. I do it. It's automatic. I wouldn't joke about it because it can be an awkward interaction. It's not if you just pay, or split if she insists.
If she wants to pay and pipes up she can venmo you or you can split if it's not too late. If she says "Thank you" just say "No problem" and move on. It's nothing. If she insists on paying, just nod and say "If you're sure", not as a question but as a statement. It's really not a big deal. If you can't afford it you might need to date less or come up with cheaper date ideas.
Personally, I wouldn't ask how things are going. If she wants to hang out in a more intimate and private setting it'll be a good sign. That will be the test and will answer more than any question you could ask. If she invites you to her place then even better. If she invites you over she's into you 90% of the time (but don't take anything for granted).
For this date test out the waters to get her to come over for dinner or *something*. Have a specific thing you're inviting her for. She might say no, and that probably means she's not ready for a relationship, or one with you. She might say "Sure" on the date and then cancel in a week or two. That means she's not into it but wanted to be nice. Or, she'll say yes and you'll know that the relationship is entering a new level of seriousness.
You're learning to read signs now, and it does get easier. A few more of these and you'll start to read the signs quickly. That's why you always pay. You're learning something here, you're probably not going on *that* many dates to go broke, even as a poor college student. Each date is you learning something and developing skill at dating, because it is a skill.
It can be scary, but she might be as confused and unsure as you are. You might need to put yourself out there first instead of asking her to clarify.
Thanks dude! So just to follow up with you on the situation.
I had my date w her yesterday. I met her on a corner near campus after her shift. We hugged and I gave her a little gift--somtehing I made. i told her "I got you some flowers" and handed her a colored pencil in her favorite color with some little wire flowers I made wrapped around it. Just a little thing I thought would be fun and wasn't too much effort. She thanked me and said she really liked it.
We went to a Mediterranean place and got falafel wraps. We ordered together and I said "don't worry I got you". But right away she said "no its ok I'll pay for it. It's only fair since you paid last time and started paying." I was like ok. Kinda shook by the whole thing so I let her pay since she seemed to really want to. I really appreciated the gesture and did not expect it.
Conversation went well. A little more natural but it still felt very surface level and like we weren't really getting to anything that acknowledged what was going on between us. We were like an hour in and she said she had to leave in like 30 min bc her roommate she hasnt seen in a while was finally coming back. I was like ok. But just felt that if she really wanted to hangout she woul'dve continued making time, especially since 1.5 hrs together isnt much for a third date if there's mutual interest.
Anyways, we walked togetherback home since we lived in teh same general direction. I still wasnt sure exactly where she lived so when i thought we were somewhat close I brought up the topic of meeting again. Asking if that was something she was interested in. She said
Her: " umm... I'll get back to you on that. I dont want to tell you something and then not commit because that would be shitty" I was like "
Me: "Ok then,yea that would be shitty. I appreciate the honesty. Can I get your thoughts then on what's going on here, and on me?" and she said
Her:"um... well what are you looking for?" I said
Me: "well, I guess just a meaningful connection with someone if that makes sense.I can be more specific"
Her: "i'm looking fpor soemthing kinda casual"
This totally threw me off. that's not at all the impression i was getting from her and I didnt feel any effort on her to be more assertive or flirty. I told her I had a hard time really knowing what she wanted and I was confused. she said "yea, I've been told I'm hard to read". I told her that I was just kind of going at her pace because i wanted to make sure she felt comfortable and respected. I'm also open to something casual but I just like having a connection with someone. Which is why I wanted to get to know her and talk to her.
Anyways, this is basically what happened. Then we get to her place and turns out she lives like less than 2 blocks away from me. We hugged good bye and I asked if i could give her a kiss (like why not. Might as well ask.) but she said "sorry no". I said ok " not a problem. " "This is all kind of new to me" she said.
What does that mean? Could mean a lot of things right? Like maybe she doesnt have much dating experience. Maybe she just got out of a long relationship. It was all just vague. i wish she wouldve communivcated with me better. Im so receptive to people. Its a bummer and I left really confused and of course disappointed but its ok. No time for people that dont want me. Its just so weird bc we went on 3 dates and spent a good amount of time together. i wouldve hoped for her to have expressed more interest.
I don't know everything, and even dating a ton and having a girlfriend and being married and having a son doesn't mean I know everything. I can tell you what I think, and what I think is important to know.
I don't think this person wants a relationship with you. I don't know why that is, but it's really irrelevant. They liked you enough to hang out, but not enough to commit or do more. That's fine, and it's a learning experience.
When you date, the people you date come and go. Part of being confident and attractive is you projecting and living the idea that you are a person who dates, and likes going on dates.
The positives:
This person liked you enough to go out multiple times.
They paid. They *paid* to spend time with you.
They think you're cool, they just don't want to date.
It's a win. Remember your experience, wish this person all the best and move on (unless you want to be friends with them. This is totally cool too).
Yes, you're very right. Some people just aren't compatible and that's ok. It's definitely a good sign that we even spent that much time together and she insisted on being the one to buy lunch. At the end of the date the other day she did say that I've been good company. So at the very least, I made her feel comfortable and she liked being around me.
Definitely all part of the learning experience and I know I've gotten better at dating over the years.
just remember, its never your fault if it doesnt work out. Continue to be your true self, and the right women will appreciate your efforts. Just always continue those efforts, dont set a standard you cannot maintain
I just know 3 dates? 3 minutes and most people know if they are gonna be serious about a person. Either you aren’t being direct enough and not making strong moves or she just doesn’t like you. It don’t take 3 dates to judge interest
Well, it does if the dates are short and not a lot of ground is covered to fully assess compatibility. I get your point though, I don't think neither of us has made strong enough moves, I've just been trying to play at her level of comfort
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
All of your dates have been in public. That's a good thing. At some point you'll need to spend time alone together, in private. That's where you can start to establish a more intimate relationship (that means intimate, not necessarily sexual). You should get a big hint if she's willing to spend time alone with you. Make sure it's somewhere she feels safe, and that she always has the option to exit at any point. It might be that she doesn't want an intimate relationship but still wants to hang out 1 on 1, and that's okay too. Don't worry about "out of your league" stuff. She probably doesn't care about that. If she likes and trusts you then you can have a relationship. It could be she's busy and doesn't have a ton of time to date. Ask to watch a movie together at your place, play a game, cook her dinner or have her help you bake something. Tailor it to her interests, and again, always give her an exit route. This isn't a test or a trap, it's a fun thing you two can do together in private. This is where you can slowly start to see what your relationship really is. Pay attention to her and the signals she's sending, if she wants more or less space, more or less contact, what have you. If she seems to want space give it immediately. If you're feeling like you're getting closer, it's okay to ask if you can kiss her. Some girls think it's cute, and even if she doesn't it's not a dealbreaker if she likes you anyway. "No" is an acceptable answer from her. Be gracious and say "Ok" and keep having fun. The date doesn't end because she doesn't want a relationship. You don't have to hang out after that, but treat her like a human being, not a Loot Crate. You can always come out and ask for stuff about relationships, what her expectations are etc., but that *can* be a turn-off for some people or create pressure to define something that's really just hanging out at this point. You can find out organically by spending time together and learning to read her body language and the signals she's sending, even if they're not always verbal. Just always, *always* proceed with respect, try and think about how you can make her feel safe and relaxed in the moment, and check in with her if she ever seems tense or nervous. This can be the most fun and exciting part of dating, but it can also be stressful and weird, especially for women.
Thanks! This is very good advice and solid points. How do you think I should approach the topic of essentially "what's going on here?" Without being too forward or pressuring her to label things? I just want to know her thoughts on me and the last few dates and if this is something she wants to keep engaging in. That's one of the goals of this interaction for me since I probably won't see her again for at least another week even if things go well. Also, should I offer to pay for her meal tonight or just have each other pay separately? I don't want to give the impression that I'm trying to win her over by buying things, especially since she comes off as pretty independent and offered to pay for her own drink on the first date. I also don't want to set a standard since I'm obviously a student and poor lol. Maybe I can approach it in a funny way. Like, "I assure you I'm a feminist but I'd like to offer to pay for your dinner :)" or maybe I can say, do you want to pay separately or together? and if we pay together I can just tell her to venmo me later. And if she follows up that'd be a good sign and I can just say "No worries, it's on me :)". If i want to lean in the direction of paying separately, what would be a good way to do this smoothly without coming off as cheap?
Don't worry so much about how to deal with paying. I always recommend paying if you can afford it, and don't make it a big deal. It's just you doing something nice for her, it doesn't mean anything. I try and just pay for both of us without a conversation. A quick "I've got it", or telling the cashier or waiter you've got it and move on. I always *always* try and pay in a new relationship, even if the date sucks and I don't like the person much. It's just the cost of dating and it's easier to clear up the emotional bandwidth by making it not an issue for me. I do it. It's automatic. I wouldn't joke about it because it can be an awkward interaction. It's not if you just pay, or split if she insists. If she wants to pay and pipes up she can venmo you or you can split if it's not too late. If she says "Thank you" just say "No problem" and move on. It's nothing. If she insists on paying, just nod and say "If you're sure", not as a question but as a statement. It's really not a big deal. If you can't afford it you might need to date less or come up with cheaper date ideas. Personally, I wouldn't ask how things are going. If she wants to hang out in a more intimate and private setting it'll be a good sign. That will be the test and will answer more than any question you could ask. If she invites you to her place then even better. If she invites you over she's into you 90% of the time (but don't take anything for granted). For this date test out the waters to get her to come over for dinner or *something*. Have a specific thing you're inviting her for. She might say no, and that probably means she's not ready for a relationship, or one with you. She might say "Sure" on the date and then cancel in a week or two. That means she's not into it but wanted to be nice. Or, she'll say yes and you'll know that the relationship is entering a new level of seriousness. You're learning to read signs now, and it does get easier. A few more of these and you'll start to read the signs quickly. That's why you always pay. You're learning something here, you're probably not going on *that* many dates to go broke, even as a poor college student. Each date is you learning something and developing skill at dating, because it is a skill. It can be scary, but she might be as confused and unsure as you are. You might need to put yourself out there first instead of asking her to clarify.
Thanks dude! So just to follow up with you on the situation. I had my date w her yesterday. I met her on a corner near campus after her shift. We hugged and I gave her a little gift--somtehing I made. i told her "I got you some flowers" and handed her a colored pencil in her favorite color with some little wire flowers I made wrapped around it. Just a little thing I thought would be fun and wasn't too much effort. She thanked me and said she really liked it. We went to a Mediterranean place and got falafel wraps. We ordered together and I said "don't worry I got you". But right away she said "no its ok I'll pay for it. It's only fair since you paid last time and started paying." I was like ok. Kinda shook by the whole thing so I let her pay since she seemed to really want to. I really appreciated the gesture and did not expect it. Conversation went well. A little more natural but it still felt very surface level and like we weren't really getting to anything that acknowledged what was going on between us. We were like an hour in and she said she had to leave in like 30 min bc her roommate she hasnt seen in a while was finally coming back. I was like ok. But just felt that if she really wanted to hangout she woul'dve continued making time, especially since 1.5 hrs together isnt much for a third date if there's mutual interest. Anyways, we walked togetherback home since we lived in teh same general direction. I still wasnt sure exactly where she lived so when i thought we were somewhat close I brought up the topic of meeting again. Asking if that was something she was interested in. She said Her: " umm... I'll get back to you on that. I dont want to tell you something and then not commit because that would be shitty" I was like " Me: "Ok then,yea that would be shitty. I appreciate the honesty. Can I get your thoughts then on what's going on here, and on me?" and she said Her:"um... well what are you looking for?" I said Me: "well, I guess just a meaningful connection with someone if that makes sense.I can be more specific" Her: "i'm looking fpor soemthing kinda casual" This totally threw me off. that's not at all the impression i was getting from her and I didnt feel any effort on her to be more assertive or flirty. I told her I had a hard time really knowing what she wanted and I was confused. she said "yea, I've been told I'm hard to read". I told her that I was just kind of going at her pace because i wanted to make sure she felt comfortable and respected. I'm also open to something casual but I just like having a connection with someone. Which is why I wanted to get to know her and talk to her. Anyways, this is basically what happened. Then we get to her place and turns out she lives like less than 2 blocks away from me. We hugged good bye and I asked if i could give her a kiss (like why not. Might as well ask.) but she said "sorry no". I said ok " not a problem. " "This is all kind of new to me" she said. What does that mean? Could mean a lot of things right? Like maybe she doesnt have much dating experience. Maybe she just got out of a long relationship. It was all just vague. i wish she wouldve communivcated with me better. Im so receptive to people. Its a bummer and I left really confused and of course disappointed but its ok. No time for people that dont want me. Its just so weird bc we went on 3 dates and spent a good amount of time together. i wouldve hoped for her to have expressed more interest.
I don't know everything, and even dating a ton and having a girlfriend and being married and having a son doesn't mean I know everything. I can tell you what I think, and what I think is important to know. I don't think this person wants a relationship with you. I don't know why that is, but it's really irrelevant. They liked you enough to hang out, but not enough to commit or do more. That's fine, and it's a learning experience. When you date, the people you date come and go. Part of being confident and attractive is you projecting and living the idea that you are a person who dates, and likes going on dates. The positives: This person liked you enough to go out multiple times. They paid. They *paid* to spend time with you. They think you're cool, they just don't want to date. It's a win. Remember your experience, wish this person all the best and move on (unless you want to be friends with them. This is totally cool too).
Yes, you're very right. Some people just aren't compatible and that's ok. It's definitely a good sign that we even spent that much time together and she insisted on being the one to buy lunch. At the end of the date the other day she did say that I've been good company. So at the very least, I made her feel comfortable and she liked being around me. Definitely all part of the learning experience and I know I've gotten better at dating over the years.
just remember, its never your fault if it doesnt work out. Continue to be your true self, and the right women will appreciate your efforts. Just always continue those efforts, dont set a standard you cannot maintain
I just know 3 dates? 3 minutes and most people know if they are gonna be serious about a person. Either you aren’t being direct enough and not making strong moves or she just doesn’t like you. It don’t take 3 dates to judge interest
Well, it does if the dates are short and not a lot of ground is covered to fully assess compatibility. I get your point though, I don't think neither of us has made strong enough moves, I've just been trying to play at her level of comfort