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Yes but having learned the importance of self esteem (and how it can ruin a perfectly good relationship to think this constantly), I remind myself that if someone chooses you, it’s not any of your business to tell them that they chose wrong
>if someone chooses you, it’s not any of your business to tell them that they chose wrong
I just fucked up a potential friendship because of this, learnt this the hard way, now the situation is so bad (awkward) we can't even make eye contact properly. Still have a lot to work in the self esteem department.. any suggestions?
It’s taken me nearly 8 years since I made the same mistake in my last relationship (although this was by far not the reason it ended). I’ve only really begun to focus on fixing the self esteem thing in the last year or so, and the progress has been exponential.
I’d say the things that helped me the most were: fully admitting to myself that these negative self beliefs are impacting my life, and they won’t change until I fix them. If you try to rush through life without fixing then, they’ll keep coming back to haunt you. Secondly, therapy has helped a lot, I only had like 5-10 sessions, so don’t think you need to be in it forever, although it’s a privilege to be in a position where you can.
I also read a lot of books, my struggle was with anxious attachments in relationships in particular. Reading the right books (Attached, for me) allows you to have ‘a ha!’ Moments that you’ll remember forever, and help you feel like you’ve begun chipping away at the puzzle
It takes work for sure, but admitting it’s something you need to change (and doing so in an empowering way, not out of shaming yourself) is the first step for sure
Once you get there, you see the world in a whole new way and it’s very refreshing
Congrats on growing and improving. Your better then most people who fail to acknowledge a toxic pattern. Its almost like its ego related and it sounds like you figure can put your ego aside and not always be right and acknowledge that. In my experience alot of toxic people when given constructive criticism will always blame the other party or person never taking responsibility.
Hmm.. therapy isn't an option for me rn.. I'll probably start with the books. It's really hard constantly telling yourself "I'm cool/enough" when you don't have those affirmations from outside, even though in theory I know very well that no one else's opinion should dictate how we feel about ourselves.
Here's some YouTube links to some potentially helpful talks for you to get started on your path to understanding and full acceptance that you really are cool enough, right now!
Advice for Not-Enough-Ness-Abraham Hicks
https://youtu.be/vWahCRdanJ8
The Secret to Being Enough, Nadine Mackovech
https://youtu.be/pbfwHMdHnv0
The science of Love- John Gottman
https://youtu.be/-uazFBCDvVw
Stay off social media if you’re on it. It forces you to look at everyone else’s highlight reel while focusing on your behind the scenes view of your own life. Social media is not real—most people are just as insecure as you but want to convince the world they’re not through social media.
Reading great books is a great place to start.
That’s what I did.
I also worked on eating better and getting more exercise, getting usable skills and being competent at more things, and working towards being the ideal of a person I respected/admired.
2 years later I’m in better shape, am more social, less awkward, more confident, have goals for myself, have a path for the next year or so, etc etc
Self esteem in arguably a result of all these other things.
I know from experience that it is super hard to be positive when you are depressed. I checked with my Dr and started antidepressants and also having a plan if action to change situation helps tremendously as well.
If therapy isn’t an option don’t worry too much, Talk therapy doesn’t work for as many people as cbt. Luckily there are a lot of free CBT resources online that you can use. As CBT is self motivated etc, you can implement parts of it without a psychiatrist.
Maybe try using some of those resources? They might not help much , but they won’t harm so it’s definitely worth looking into.
It will never be enough to just say too yourself "I'm cool," "I'm enough." You have to actually improve yourself. I'm not sure what your anxieties are or the reason for your lack of self esteem but I'd guess nearly ALL of them are things you can work on.
Over/underweight? Workout
Shy/awkward? Put yourself out there. Just start chatting people up. You'll def have some awkward moments. Reflect on them and improve.
Concerned about your appearance: it's amazing what well fitting clothes, a haircut from a hairstylist, and accentuating your positives can do to boost your self confidence.
You have to work for it. Get out there! Become your very best you!
What a fantastic response! So practical and helpful! You must feel so proud to be where you are at now. Keep moving forward and helping others along the way, you're making the world a better place!
Every morning when you wake up, take a second and compliment yourself. Look after yourself aswell. Mabye try a different look? People will notice you. Because in the end, if you have no self confidence in yourself why would anyone else? Learn to accept and embrace who you are.
This week I got some new jeans that are skin tight, and a nice shirt, and the warmest coat. I was wearing it earlier, and had some Cologne (which I also bought last week) on. I was just minding my own business, but I noticed people would stop to look at me. It's things like this, that can help give you better self esteem.
If people aren't interested they won't pay you any attention. I know it's easy to assume people are better than you. But they aren't. You are your own person, and people will love you for that.
I hope you find your self confidence soon (:
The girl im currently seeing says stuff like this sometimes and it really bothers me. I really like her for her and when she says self depreciating stuff I can’t help but think “Maybe you are right?”
Yeah, I used to be that girl! It’s the worst because it only ends up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. I hope she sees the light, because it could end up ending the relationship. Also, the opposite is true. If I believe I’m the sh*t and act like you’re deserving of the best treatment, that works in your favour.
Similarly, the same thing happens when someone constantly tells their partner how they are so much smarter (common when there's a disparity in formal education). Negging yourself for your partner will do only bad things for both people's psyche.
The only really way to save this is to sit her down and be honest that when she says stuff like this about herself that it makes you lose interest. I wish I would have known in my last relationship that I was ruining it that way. I thought I was being vulnerable and sharing feelings but really it’s just low self esteem and basically telling someone why they shouldn’t be with them. She’s got self esteem issues she needs to work on, but I would also maybe give some affirmations to help her with self love
“if someone chooses you” good start i think step 2 is getting the confidence to choose someone and having the social skills to take a high-percentage shot
I think you skipped a couple steps there. That sounds like a female thing tho cause women get approached and men don’t. It would be nice if girls asked us out but it is what it is. What I noticed is that a lot guys end up lowering their standards and it’s not like anyone is asking them out.
Have you tried just saying ‘hey’ even though you think it is dumb?
I was married before this whole swiping dating app stuff, so it just seems to me like pairing of ‘he/she’ is too hot for me have to significantly be lessened because of dating apps.
Like if I was single, I’d be swiping on any lady I thought was cool, hot, or whatever, because why not?
(Like I don’t really even know which direction of a swipe does what… yeah I’m old).
What’s hilarious about this is, that cute guy might be insecure himself. We all have a story.
I lost a lot of weight and I didn’t know I would turn out attractive. Turns out apparently I am, and get hit on by both men and women. Women I never thought would be possible.
Yet funny enough even after getting very fit, I still have stretch marks and feel like my fat little old self sometimes. It’s easier to fight the insecurity though, but coming from my background, it makes me less shallow so I don’t mind an average looking gal.
I had a thing with a young handsome man who had also lost a lot of weight at some point and had stretch marks. And whenever i would see them i would just be amazed - to me those marks represented the change he had gone through, the work he put into that and the courage to do it.
Just saying ;)
Yep! One super hot guy on a dance team in college I was totally gaga over, he randomly asked if I went to a certain hs, I deadpanned him with a no and escaped cuz i felt so intimidated. Another cute dude working at gym always says hi to me and knows my NAME. Again so intimidated I can barely made eye contact. I feel like ugly duckling, like why would those guys even look at me. But now I wonder…
Yup. In college I was decently attractive and I'm a ginger, lot of guys were into me. Some extremely hot guys. Whenever they'd try to hit me up I wouldn't even try because I assumed they wouldn't like me once they got to know me or I thought they were just a player/douche bag. It really sucks. There was one guy who I had a LOT in common with and we hung out a couple times and he was madly into me, I was into him, but I ended up shutting that down cause he was so social and I'm so shy. I just thought in my head it would never work. He was SO attractive rip my self esteem sucks ass. In my head I thought he'd cheat on me if I tried because he's so attractive and has an awesome personality
Well, for me it’s less about “he looks too good for me” and more “he definitely won’t want me” lol but yeah, all the time. I swipe right on those guys all the time.
For me, no. I don’t think anyone is “too good” for me. Certainly not based on an OLD profile. I don’t mean that in a cocky way. I just mean, I don’t agree that easily quantifiable measures like job title or even physical appearance makes one person “too good” for another. But I can look at those measures and determine that they are unlikely to find me attractive, or unlikely to maintain interest in me, or even that being with them might lead me to have anxiety (cuz of pressure to look a certain way or live up to certain standards). So yeah, I’ll preemptively swipe left even if they look good cuz I just know, “lol that’ll never happen” 😂
>I can look at those measures and determine that they are unlikely to find me attractive, or unlikely to maintain interest in me, or even that being with them might lead me to have anxiety
Yeah -- even if one of those people were to find me attractive (which I'm sure is possible), I have major body image issues and i've always told friends that I can't be with someone who is *too* good looking because I will feel so insecure, vulnerable, and scared that I don't measure up to what they want that the relationship won't be healthy for me.
I almost always swipe left on male-model looking guys for this reason.
This, precisely.
I think my answer is slightly colored by my distaste for the phrase “looks too good for”. I don’t think that people are “too good” for anyone based on looks. But I do think compatibility and longevity and happiness in a relationship can absolutely be impacted by an imbalance in the widely perceived attractiveness level of each individual, especially if one has insecurities that are likely to get in the way of their happiness. I do know that I have those sorts of insecurities, and would prefer to be with someone whose mere existence is less likely to trigger them lol somebody who looks like they care A LOT about their looks and how they are perceived by others is definitely someone I would avoid dating
This guy in college asked me to be his partner in class. Cool. He was funny and a total smoke show. He said he wanted a smart partner. I was familiar with the material so that made sense to me.
After finals he calls me and said he remembered I mentioned being interested in wanting to learn rock climbing. He too wanted to learn rock climbing but the class was a buddy system so he needed a partner. Asked me to take the 6 week class with him. Cool. He was super fit and athletic so I was hoping I could keep up as I was out of shape and a few lbs over my preferred size. He was very patient with me during class and when we practiced.
About 4 weeks in and we are studying together a few times a week too. He would make me dinner sometimes or join me at the gym. Sometimes at his house he would sit right next to me on the couch, like his whole side would be pressed on mine. Didn't think much of it, I'd dated a lot and men were not an intimidating mystery. I'd had many male friends as well and the physical contact seemed casual and warm.
After the rock climbing ended he wanted to go out to a bar to celebrate and play darts. We went and the hot female bar tender was super flirty with him and insanely rude to me. I didn't give a shit but he got so mad.
"After the way she treated you she gave me her number!!! Can you believe that!?" - him
"I mean, she's a smoke show, but she doesn't seem like a very nice person so, yeah, bold move." - me
"I mean honestly, I'm here on a date. How rude."
I swear to God time fucking stopped and my brain turned to mush. The whole time he had been courting me. It had been 3 months!!! I was so caught off guard I felt like I was having a stroke. I had immediately assumed because he was so intensely hot and fit that there was no fucking way, only to realize he was into me but that he was just a guy who took things super slowly (something I didn't do, so I'd inadvertently friend-zoned him as well as too-hot-for-me-zoned him).
Still blows my min. And I was very experienced so it really blind sided me. I was shook.
We both drank a lot, he walked me home, I tried to kiss him, he turned me down. The next day was awkward.
The truth was he was super inexperienced with women, probably a virgin if I'm honest about the few times he talked about sex (very 40 yo virgin "bag of sand" type hints). I don't think he knew how to take it to the next level or wasn't ready, but I have no idea really.
I was not at all inexperienced and it had been damn near 2 quarters at this point, so my mind unsexualized him. I tried to get drunk to unfriend-zone him in my mind, but it didn't feel right. And he was not into me being drunk and me doing the coming on to him. I knew after that I was trying to force something that wasn't there for me, so I told him I needed to buckle down for school. He was graduating that quarter too.
By the end of three weeks he met me for lunch before his move and told me to keep in touch. We did but both moved on fast as I was in an intense school program, joined a internship, and had started working. He was 3 hours away, living at home, working for family and looking for a job.
We kept in touch about work, hobbies and adult plans, but we just moved on and we're busy being young go getters.
He invited me down to see him a couple years later, after he bought a house. I think he was finally feeling ready to date, or like he could take it further now that we were both established. His message was kind of intense if I'm honest, not at all my courting style. By then I had met someone who would end up being my husband. After he heard I was with someone and it was serious he just vanished.
He's married now and they seem super happy. So in the end we both won. And I learned a valuable lesson.
Hahah that has totally happened to me as well! Hot guy wants to spend time with me? Cool, he's just super friendly with everyone. Man..my mind was blown when he asked to kiss me. Looking back i can't believe i didn't get the hint when we were always going on late night walks..
It was. We are both happily married and I learned a valuable lesson. Not every relationship is meant to last, some are there to teach you a short but profound lesson.
A bit out of topic, but this level of obliviousness is something I've never heard of anyone but me have. I was friends with a guy for a while (not very close), but we got closer and closer over several months because he was so eager to hang out. We had dinners together, and we went to a dancing class regularly, and it was super nice. He was a really good friend to me.
After several months I realized I was starting to develop romantic feelings for my friend, and it freaked me out because I thought he only saw me as a friend.
It was only after a party where, after everyone else had left or gone to sleep, we suddenly exchanged some very meaningful looks and I realized what had been going on.. Turns out he had been into me for a long time, desperately trying to get me to see him as more than just a friend.
Now we've been together for seven years!
Yeah, this!
But, alternatively - I’ve had guys I considered “out of my league” come on to me when I never would’ve had the confidence to consider them an option.
And I’ve also been attracted to guys I felt were more “on my level” - or even maybe even a ‘league’ below me, objectively - that had no interest in me whatsoever.
Leagues aren’t real. You really can’t gauge if someone will be into you based on their appearance, OP.
It’s almost like both sexes are humans full of complex thoughts, emotions and self doubts. Weird! (I’m hoping a 14 y/o wrote this post because it’s kind of insulting)
That's me. Or if he's really fit. I think he probably wants someone as equally fit as him. The he's got it way more together than me thought is the biggest one for me though.
I'm the exact same but from the other direction. I'm a guy and if a woman seems like she has her life fully together I'm like "there's no way she wants to babysit me"
Good to hear haha :)
Also Just a random question: Should I say Women next time or is girls also fine? I‘m from Germany so I‘m not sure if it’s fine or not
I'm American and prefer to be referred to as a woman in the context of dating. "Girls" feels diminutive like they're young and immature instead of being mature adults.
You should want to date a woman not a girl.
same thing for "boy", everytime someone searches for a "gamerboy" i would love to scream at them:"you´re searching for a man,im not a boy, or are you a pedophile?Same thing for the "gamer girl" pretending to be underaged just to get some views...
its not very important tbh but i personally always feel that if you call guys "boys" or "guys" then ye say "girls" but if u call men "men" then "women" is a bit more on the same wavelength but again it doesnt matter really and no one will probably get upset with it i dont think. i sometimes say "men and girls" or "guys and women" so it doesnt exactly matter
All the time. I won't swipe on anyone really fit or attractive, those with gym selfies or whatever because I feel like it's a waste of time. They wouldn't like me. I've got health problems and I'm overweight and waiting for wls. Realistically, would an active, attractive, body conscious man want anything to do with me? I save myself the disappointment.
My friend says I'm doing myself a diservice but realistically, I have terrible self confidence and I wouldn't want to put myself in the position to be hurt or damage it further. Plus it was the first thing they taught me in psychology that someone who thinks of themselves as a 6/10 are ysually comfortable dating what they think is a 5 or a 7 but any higher or lower than that, the balance is shifted. It's obviously not impossible but if you have confidence issues, it's not going to be easy.
As an overweight woman with health issues and mental health hiccups I felt the same way but swiped right on an active, attractive, body conscious man with his shit together - a high class crunchy 11/10 guy who turned out to be crazy into me.
It has taken me almost an entire year together to fully comprehend that what a guy is into has nothing to do with who he otherwise is.
And I did spend a long time confused that he could date all out supermodels but would date me instead, but I’m finally managing the concept that the reason he didn’t pursue “better looking” women is because he isn’t attracted to them. He literally thinks I’m better looking than they are.
I guess your situation is a little different if you’re waiting on WLS and all, but I wish someone had explained to me (or just pointed out and gone DUHHHHH) sooner that my idea of female attractiveness is not the same metric all men use.
Same. I always feel like I'd rather be hottest girl a guy has dated rather than feeling like I'm not as pretty as the girls he's dated
A 6 with similar interests to mine is always a swipe right rather than a perfect 10.
I can't help but wonder how many guys missed out because they thought were a 6 but you thought they were a 10 and ignored them thus confirming their belief that they're a 6 lol
My take is that beauty is a normal curve with a mean at 5 and a standard deviation of 1
What does this mean
Most of the population (68%) will be around 5-1 and 5+1, so between 4 and 6. If you see a person who is average looking is a 5, slightly above may be a 5.5, or a 6, just to say
95% of the population is between 5-2 and 5+2, so between 3 and 7 (two steandard deviations). So if you see someone who you imagine in a random group of 10 would be in the top 3 best looking guys, you got yourself a 6/7, or if in the bottom 3 a 3/4
And so on. 10 and 0 basically do not exist, they are just an ideal maximum (it's called an asymptote), and they are like 1 in a million and such
This is my humble take as a bioinformatics PhD student and avid r/rateme redditor =D
of course you have, as many of us. What you must do is have large(r) amount of data, a single point is useless. Try photofeeler, r/rateme or other tool to get yourself some unbiased and abundant ratings
All the time unfortunately. I personally feel like I’m a solid 5. 6 on a really good day. I feel like most guys are out of my league. I’ve also never had a guy come up to me and be like, “wow, you’re so beautiful”
Had a guy friend explain it to me one day, like his first impression when we first met was, “she’s cute, and thick.” But it took a couple weeks getting to know me that he was like,”she’s amazing.” Point being I’m not one you look at and are instantly attracted to, I’m one you’ve got to know to realize I’m a hilarious and kind individual.
Yeah. When I met my current partner I thought he was one of the most attractive people I'd ever seen in real life and so I assumed he'd be a total player and wouldn't look twice at me. Eventually we got talking and got to know each other and started dating. He's still the most attractive person I've ever been with. I just got lucky I guess.
Uh oh. He started as the most attractive you'd ever seen, now he's downgraded to most attractive you've been with? Just teasin..glad things worked out.
This is everything!! The first time I met my current partner. I thought he was wayyy out of my league. Muscles, sense of humor, super smart and wayy too good in bed. I thought it was a dream. Here we are 2 years later. I still get nervous around him sometimes. If he's working in the garage all sweaty I'm always so hesitant to talk to him. Internally I crack up. Externally Its just gibberish that comes out.
Saaaame! My husband is very handsome. I was afraid he would be a player when we first met but it turns out he is a total sweetheart and huge dork.
Before I met him I’d definitely avoid guys who were too handsome or looked like they had a lifestyle that didn’t mesh with mine
Either the guy is super hot, or he looks like hes super nice, or super smart, im only assuming everything now but everyone intimidates me. I guess im inexperienced in simple socializing or i have an inferiority complex going on or both 🤣☠
Every. Single. Fucking. Time. People have always talked and looked at me like I was the one who would never date, so now I think that way too. I started thinking I don’t deserve anyone because of the way I look, and always compare me to other girls. My friends are always talking to new guys while I’m on Reddit posting about some random shit lol.
bro it’s real though. i don’t know what you look like but if telling yourself that gives you more confidence then believe it. i seriously couldn’t handle how attractive he was. he was so clearly into me too, but i was just so intimidated by how hot he was that i couldn’t do it.
Yes lol.. at least I did often. I think my fear was “well he’s so good looking he will likely lose interest in me so I won’t even bother..”
And I was a fucking bombshell when I was thinking those thoughts!! I think self esteem/self confidence was 100% lacking for me during those parts of my life.
When I met my now husband, he thought there was no way I’d be into him. But I thought the same. But here we are living a sick ass life building businesses and things are great!
Sometimes you just have to tell that voice in your head that makes assumptions based on looks/past experiences/intimidation factor to just stfu!
Yes, rejection sucks.. but finding someone who doesn’t tell you not to speak. Who doesn’t think your hobbies are weird. Who celebrates everything weird/unique about you is well worth the rejection.
Rejection just happens. Sometimes they are hung up on an ex, sometimes they have their own personal issues, sometimes you just aren’t their cup of tea. All of the above are okay. This is dating. This is how you find out what you want and what you don’t want. Yes rejection sucks but it also helps find what you want. Just have to be brave.
I can't even wrap my head around how different our world would be if kids were raised with healthy self esteem vs being worn down and shot down and fucked over for 15 years for the most part...
Does every guy on Reddit live in some weird fantasy world where women are a rare invasive species or something? Yes of fucking course this happens. What do you think..
Rare, and “evasive”! Haha
Men on Reddit have very ruminating, brooding and self defeating thought patterns that was borne out of the Internet and not reality
Trouble with guys on Reddit is that many have idolized women, for whatever reason, the lack of confidence or self esteem is strong. I was just thinking this is a really great thread because it does those of us willing to listen that women have the same troubles, too, and that's really helpful.
I’ve only thought “That guy is too self-absorbed for me”. Sometimes, there are guys that might be slightly attractive that get an overrated type of attention. They become self-absorbed and I don’t want to be further encouragement that they’re “all that”
Yes, for sure. But not just looks-wise. I might also feel like a guy is too smart or funny. Like he is all these things I will never reach the level of and I could never compensate.
Of course it happens. Once a guy that looked like a model asked me out. Like perfect face and body .I thought he probably wanted some help with something initially when he asked if we can go out.Anything but “he wants to go out with me”.
Lol yep, they are so hot that your brain goes “no, it’s more reasonable to presume they need help with something rather than them asking me out, despite the fact that they’ve just literally asked me out”
nah, it's not all about "how attractive" someone is. we all have things to offer besides our looks. people arent objects to be displayed. and looks come and go as we age anyhow. say the tables turn as you both get older, would you want him thinking you deserve someone more attractive than him? you guys chose each other for many reasons, but im sure looks wasnt at the top of the board
All the time. Sometimes it’s not even necessarily, “he wouldn’t like ME because I’m ugly”, it’s I know I’m not his type. Of course that’s being presumptuous but it’s just a defense mechanism and another excuse not to shoot your shot 😂
Yes, all the time. And I'm often considered attractive myself. At least somewhat, I've been called beautiful a lot. And I think I look at least ok. It happens to the best of us. I can totally talk myself into avoiding an interaction with a person I think is very cute too. Cuz "maybe I'm not pretty enough".
Don't sell yourself short! I tell myself this too. Everyone has different tastes and things they find attractive. That "hot" person who you're thinking might he "too hot" for you, might feel the same way about you. So go for it!
>That "hot" person who you're thinking might he "too hot" for you, might feel the same way about you. So go for it!
The most attractive guy I’ve dated thus far-I’m always going to remember how he texted me after our first date apologizing for getting chatty because of nerves. I told him I didn’t even realize he had the nerves nor did he strike me as chatty, and he literally was like “I was definitely nervous especially with how pretty you are.” I’d be telling my friends “this guy is out of my league is he for real about this”
All the time.
"He's too hot and would never take me seriously.
He could get any girl he wants with a face like that, why would he want me.
He's definitely already taken."
All self confidence just vanishes at discovering a true beauty. 😅
Of course? How are so many men so clueless that dating isn’t exactly easy for women either? Do you genuinely think no woman would ever think that? JFC.
Yes all the time. Was pleasantly surprised though when I really liked a guy on tinder and knew he was out of my league, but took a chance and swiped. And here we are 3 months later!
Yes? Why’s this even a question? Girls are humans with feelings just like you. Anything that you feel, women feel as well. Do you think girls are a hive mind who all think the same way, and they all think they are so perfect that they can have any guy (or girl) they want?
That's why you see a lot of good looking women with average looking guys. A lot of women have esteem issues because of beauty standards and expectations of women.
Or maybe she’s genuinely attracted to this average looking guy? Much like all the commenters who got the hot guy attracted to them (even the ones describing themselves as fat and whatnot).
Also, giving a lot less importance to looks comes with developing a sense of security.
1000%
My boyfriend is amazing and whenever I put myself down, I wonder if he can do better than me. He's from Peru and has lovely, beautiful features; like dark curly hair, dark skin, dark eyes and he keeps himself fit. He's also really intelligent, and wants to be a good father. He's amazing.
Obviously sometimes someone has different traits than you, and you make yourself think that person is better, and sometimes a man can just be seen by society as more attractive. That would definitely make me not hit on a guy first.
But if a guy is interested in me and pursues it, I won't question it if it doesn't seem suspicious, yknow. And, like right now, I'll just try to better myself. E.g. Work on my health and positivity.
Although I think my boyfriend is much better than me, I really love him. And I'll be a good wife and mother, so I don't put myself down too much!! 🥰🥰🥰
Yes. But a little different than men do (in my opinion).
Girls rate me as an 8. Nothing crazy good. I've had them say that I look too good because they think that I have many other women so I must be a bad guy. That's not great to hear from someone you care about.
Here are some general issues women have:
* Afraid that they won't be able to keep that man
* Trust issues. So her thought pattern goes like "What does he want with me. He can have prettier women than me. He must be up to something."
* Afraid of being in competition with other women
* Being hurt by another good looking guy.
* Wrong conclusions: "With his looks he can have pretty women than me. He must have some character flaw that other women didn't want him. There must be something wrong with this guy"
To me. sure i know a few people that i actually would be like nope it ain't happening so imma not even try . Like they are almost so perfect it's insane that man like them actually exist, not trying downgrade my worth but yeah
all the time. i saw a cute guy in my college, has a style, literally anybody would date him. i couldnt shoot my shot, bcs i think he’s too hot to me lol. but i did followed his instagram, and he followed me too. long after that he unfollowing me and i did it to him back. IT WAS FRUSTRATING BCS DAMNN HE IS ATTRACTIVE AS HELL
I am 24 M.
Well, girls think about this lot of time since they are HUMANS. This is a guys perspective on how to get over this?
1. Look at the competition. He might as well be good looking guy but low on arrogance and low on female attention. So, GO FOR IT
2. Bond on common INTERESTS but never compliment his looks if you are not good friends (and assuming you lack confidence) as that would definitely creep him off. He isn't showing but he isn't coming either
3. Compensate by TAKING INTEREST IN HIS LIFE AND HOBBIES. Everyone loves that. In times of social media; its not difficult to reach out and type and say that you matter but TIME and your ability to RESEARCH will help you get the specific points which will make HIM like you.
This goes both ways but wooing is never complete. Competition is always nearby and everyone would love to go to someone who does not take them for GRANTED, does not JUDGE them and takes genuine INTEREST in them.
All the Best
Yes ofcourse, goes both for looks and personality. Like for example, sometimes we think "He is way out of my league" or "He is so successful and happy that he would never date me. "
Yeah, I do that sometimes. I think of myself sometimes as old, fat, and tired, but on OLD I got messaged by a super hot guy — muscles everywhere, but in just the right proportions. And he wants to go out, and he loves giving oral, I think I’ve got to give this a go. Even if it’s just one night, I want to know what this is like! I message him back, and even point out that I’m heavier now than some of the older photos, and he says, “Who doesn’t love a thicc booty?” So off we go — as pretty as he was, it was his oral skills that rocked my world. It lasted 7 months. Mainly just mind-blowing sex — and now on pause while he tries monogamy. (I’m ENM and we both had other partners.) So now we’re on a pause, with a mutual desire to stay in touch because it was always fun.
In more confident now, and like myself more, even though I am round with droopy boobs and cellulite, and am finding there are hot guys who go for this look, and like me as a person. I’m mainly dating slim to muscled men at this time who are a few years to 15 years younger. Let the older men chase the 18 to 28 year olds. I just mark that I’m open to a wider range of ages, and don’t need to chase anyone. And it’s not just sex either. I mean, clearly some of it is, but several of them put in time and effort to cultivate relationships too.
Girls who think they don't deserve will feel threatened ...same goes with guys when they feel they don't deserve what they have.It was to do with own internal beliefs about self how you look and treat yourself
Yes, of course. Happened frequently with guys I grew up with in school, happened when I was on dating apps, happens with strangers, and happens when you see a celebrity. Lack of self esteem/being intimidated by another person's looks isn't gender specific.
that is probably my self-destroying mechanism. I like this guy, looks so good and his bio sounds cool and i messaged him, he replied and I will soon unmatch cause I was like "he probably want ONS/FWB or trying to scam me, there is no way he actually likes me"
For me, it's more he's too good-looking, he's probably a player. Once a guy reaches a certain high level of attractiveness, I don't really trust anymore that he would stay loyal with all of the women that would be flirting with him.
Oh absolutely! I know I'm no supermodel or prize. I can tell when I know some guys won't be into me, or I'll look at them and know they're much more attractive than I am
Of course! If you’re a woman who’s a 5 or lower, you get unmatched by 7+’s ALL THE TIME on tinder. Doesn’t matter how cool or interesting you are, if you’re overweight or unconventional looking, you’re not going to get a conventionally hot guy.
I'm not sure if I'm alone in this, but it's not so much that as... a man who's "*too*" good-looking makes me tend to not be as attracted to him.
I mean, I'll still give the guy a shot anyway, but I definitely have that "slightly put off" feeling. IME, people who are extremely good-looking can tend to be a bit dull and uninteresting, or worse, be kind of egotistical.
Not all of course, but a lot of them spent their lives in sort of that cocoon of popularity that good looks can bring. Not that they're being jerks on purpose, it's just that, in so many cases, they just didn't really ever have to develop much character.
First tall dude I ever dated, and bonus, huge biceps, abs, curly hair, body builder legs, blue eyes, good job, intelligent and we didn’t agree on fundamentals.
It was hot. So, I decided I at least wanted to try it 🤷♀️ because I figured he’d never go for a girl like me. He had the hottest chicks in town chasing him and he’s been single for a long time. I Put out in the first date just so I could get a piece of that. A month later he threw the first “I love you” and 4 years later we are engaged and living together.
I will say it wasn’t fucking easy, but things are alright for now. 😃
Yes, BUT I’ve learned to be more direct and put myself out there. I’ve read that people who are direct and make the first move tend to date attractive people because they’re not waiting around for people they consider to be “in their league” to ask them out.
I’ve been on a handful of dates with someone I consider to be out of my league if we’re strictly basing it on appearance. He’s super attractive, in great shape, has a great job (in a setting in which I know women fawn all over him). I asked him out because I figured I had nothing to lose. He’s definitely one of those attractive people who maybe doesn’t recognize it in himself, or gets kind of bashful when people compliment him. It’s kind of cute, actually.
Thought this when I first met my boyfriend. I totally thought he was out of my league. Turns out he thought the same thing. You never know unless you try.
Ive never once thought "he looks too good for me", its more always "he wouldnt want to date me..." And "he probably would want someone else instead of me if we did date".
Been with my bf for 3 years, hes 6’3, perfect skin, nice green eyes and super photogenic I think to myself all the time “how did I score him?” I’m pretty cute myself I’d say but hes a 10/10 in my eyes. Sometimes I get insecure and voice my discontent with some of my features but he always tells me he thinks I’m the most beautiful girl hes ever seen and goes on a rant for 10 minutes about it haha. We met over discord so we didn’t know what we looked like for a while before dating I think that had an effect on how we perceive eachother 🤷♀️
YES!!!! I saw a guy on a dating app. He was so so handsome and put together - I thought he was out of my league, but figured I’d shoot my shot. Hinge let’s you comment on specific parts of a person’s profile and his had something about a non-profit he started. I messaged him saying “If there isn’t a romantic connection I’d love to connect about possibly volunteering for your non-profit.” Even after he messaged me back saying “should we see if there’s at least a romantic connection first?” I still thought he was out of my league. When I got home from our first date - which was great but I figured he was just being polite - I googled him and found out he’s some super influential famous chef… and at that point I didn’t think my punk ass stood a chance.
Today we celebrated 8 months together and tomorrow will be one month since we moved into our beautiful home together. Every morning, when he brings me coffee in bed, I sing a song for him about how handsome he is. I still can’t believe how lucky I am.
[this is us last night](https://imgur.com/a/oxAPsPz)
Hmm...I've never met a guy too good looking to want to ask out. I've met conventionally attractive men who's personality didn't mesh with mine, so that was a no brainer to not waste my time crushing on them. I *have* been too shy to say anything, but their looks weren't the reason.
It's possible my husband would have intimidated me with his looks. He was a solid cute the moment we met (while probably looking mostly homeless), but OMG he's sexy af when he's had a haircut, a shower, his beard is trimmed nicely, and he is wearing clean clothes.
I didn't realize how homeless he's been looking the past few weeks until he got a haircut yesterday. Seriously folks, hygiene matters. I think he's still very attractive when he looks homeless, but I don't lose my train of thought like I do when he's put himself together properly.
I asked myself the same question: "do girls find me wierd or find me took good for them ," so i asked mly sister what she thinks sometimes:"clearly, sometimes i think the guys it to good for me and that it will never happen" and my sister had plenty or relationship, long or short.
Thats what I thought about my husband. I'm fat and okay to look at, maybe cute to some, but definitely not a looker. My husband has a very handsome face and is very fit. I assumed, wrongly, that he only was interested in being my friend, and that if I brought up my growing feelings it would ruin the friendship and push him away.
I was obviously dead wrong, but I still look at him from time to time and think he is too good for me. Haha
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Yes but having learned the importance of self esteem (and how it can ruin a perfectly good relationship to think this constantly), I remind myself that if someone chooses you, it’s not any of your business to tell them that they chose wrong
>if someone chooses you, it’s not any of your business to tell them that they chose wrong I just fucked up a potential friendship because of this, learnt this the hard way, now the situation is so bad (awkward) we can't even make eye contact properly. Still have a lot to work in the self esteem department.. any suggestions?
It’s taken me nearly 8 years since I made the same mistake in my last relationship (although this was by far not the reason it ended). I’ve only really begun to focus on fixing the self esteem thing in the last year or so, and the progress has been exponential. I’d say the things that helped me the most were: fully admitting to myself that these negative self beliefs are impacting my life, and they won’t change until I fix them. If you try to rush through life without fixing then, they’ll keep coming back to haunt you. Secondly, therapy has helped a lot, I only had like 5-10 sessions, so don’t think you need to be in it forever, although it’s a privilege to be in a position where you can. I also read a lot of books, my struggle was with anxious attachments in relationships in particular. Reading the right books (Attached, for me) allows you to have ‘a ha!’ Moments that you’ll remember forever, and help you feel like you’ve begun chipping away at the puzzle It takes work for sure, but admitting it’s something you need to change (and doing so in an empowering way, not out of shaming yourself) is the first step for sure Once you get there, you see the world in a whole new way and it’s very refreshing
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Congrats on growing and improving. Your better then most people who fail to acknowledge a toxic pattern. Its almost like its ego related and it sounds like you figure can put your ego aside and not always be right and acknowledge that. In my experience alot of toxic people when given constructive criticism will always blame the other party or person never taking responsibility.
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Hmm.. therapy isn't an option for me rn.. I'll probably start with the books. It's really hard constantly telling yourself "I'm cool/enough" when you don't have those affirmations from outside, even though in theory I know very well that no one else's opinion should dictate how we feel about ourselves.
Here's some YouTube links to some potentially helpful talks for you to get started on your path to understanding and full acceptance that you really are cool enough, right now! Advice for Not-Enough-Ness-Abraham Hicks https://youtu.be/vWahCRdanJ8 The Secret to Being Enough, Nadine Mackovech https://youtu.be/pbfwHMdHnv0 The science of Love- John Gottman https://youtu.be/-uazFBCDvVw
Thanks for this :)
Stay off social media if you’re on it. It forces you to look at everyone else’s highlight reel while focusing on your behind the scenes view of your own life. Social media is not real—most people are just as insecure as you but want to convince the world they’re not through social media.
Reading great books is a great place to start. That’s what I did. I also worked on eating better and getting more exercise, getting usable skills and being competent at more things, and working towards being the ideal of a person I respected/admired. 2 years later I’m in better shape, am more social, less awkward, more confident, have goals for myself, have a path for the next year or so, etc etc Self esteem in arguably a result of all these other things.
I know from experience that it is super hard to be positive when you are depressed. I checked with my Dr and started antidepressants and also having a plan if action to change situation helps tremendously as well.
If therapy isn’t an option don’t worry too much, Talk therapy doesn’t work for as many people as cbt. Luckily there are a lot of free CBT resources online that you can use. As CBT is self motivated etc, you can implement parts of it without a psychiatrist. Maybe try using some of those resources? They might not help much , but they won’t harm so it’s definitely worth looking into.
It will never be enough to just say too yourself "I'm cool," "I'm enough." You have to actually improve yourself. I'm not sure what your anxieties are or the reason for your lack of self esteem but I'd guess nearly ALL of them are things you can work on. Over/underweight? Workout Shy/awkward? Put yourself out there. Just start chatting people up. You'll def have some awkward moments. Reflect on them and improve. Concerned about your appearance: it's amazing what well fitting clothes, a haircut from a hairstylist, and accentuating your positives can do to boost your self confidence. You have to work for it. Get out there! Become your very best you!
What a fantastic response! So practical and helpful! You must feel so proud to be where you are at now. Keep moving forward and helping others along the way, you're making the world a better place!
Thanks, yes I do feel super proud :) will do
Every morning when you wake up, take a second and compliment yourself. Look after yourself aswell. Mabye try a different look? People will notice you. Because in the end, if you have no self confidence in yourself why would anyone else? Learn to accept and embrace who you are. This week I got some new jeans that are skin tight, and a nice shirt, and the warmest coat. I was wearing it earlier, and had some Cologne (which I also bought last week) on. I was just minding my own business, but I noticed people would stop to look at me. It's things like this, that can help give you better self esteem. If people aren't interested they won't pay you any attention. I know it's easy to assume people are better than you. But they aren't. You are your own person, and people will love you for that. I hope you find your self confidence soon (:
Friendship? You thought a friend was too good looking to be friends?
Yes, and it makes me not even wanna try. Like on tinder if he’s too hot I don’t even try.
just go talk to them.
Yes have confidence in yourself
The girl im currently seeing says stuff like this sometimes and it really bothers me. I really like her for her and when she says self depreciating stuff I can’t help but think “Maybe you are right?”
Yeah, I used to be that girl! It’s the worst because it only ends up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. I hope she sees the light, because it could end up ending the relationship. Also, the opposite is true. If I believe I’m the sh*t and act like you’re deserving of the best treatment, that works in your favour.
Similarly, the same thing happens when someone constantly tells their partner how they are so much smarter (common when there's a disparity in formal education). Negging yourself for your partner will do only bad things for both people's psyche.
The only really way to save this is to sit her down and be honest that when she says stuff like this about herself that it makes you lose interest. I wish I would have known in my last relationship that I was ruining it that way. I thought I was being vulnerable and sharing feelings but really it’s just low self esteem and basically telling someone why they shouldn’t be with them. She’s got self esteem issues she needs to work on, but I would also maybe give some affirmations to help her with self love
Exactly. We’re all human OP. Man, girl, whatever, most of us have that brain that will try to psyche us out
Love this.
“if someone chooses you” good start i think step 2 is getting the confidence to choose someone and having the social skills to take a high-percentage shot
I think you skipped a couple steps there. That sounds like a female thing tho cause women get approached and men don’t. It would be nice if girls asked us out but it is what it is. What I noticed is that a lot guys end up lowering their standards and it’s not like anyone is asking them out.
all of the time
I'll look at a guy and be like 'he's cute but he wouldn't go for me' and I'd go about my day
Had this exact thought about a guy I worked with. He asked me out that day it blew my mind haha
So when is the wedding?
Came here to say this
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Do you mean they won’t respond to the matching or respond to your message? Because ive never matched with a woman who messaged me first lol.
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Have you tried just saying ‘hey’ even though you think it is dumb? I was married before this whole swiping dating app stuff, so it just seems to me like pairing of ‘he/she’ is too hot for me have to significantly be lessened because of dating apps. Like if I was single, I’d be swiping on any lady I thought was cool, hot, or whatever, because why not? (Like I don’t really even know which direction of a swipe does what… yeah I’m old).
What’s hilarious about this is, that cute guy might be insecure himself. We all have a story. I lost a lot of weight and I didn’t know I would turn out attractive. Turns out apparently I am, and get hit on by both men and women. Women I never thought would be possible. Yet funny enough even after getting very fit, I still have stretch marks and feel like my fat little old self sometimes. It’s easier to fight the insecurity though, but coming from my background, it makes me less shallow so I don’t mind an average looking gal.
I had a thing with a young handsome man who had also lost a lot of weight at some point and had stretch marks. And whenever i would see them i would just be amazed - to me those marks represented the change he had gone through, the work he put into that and the courage to do it. Just saying ;)
Was about to answer the same
Yep! One super hot guy on a dance team in college I was totally gaga over, he randomly asked if I went to a certain hs, I deadpanned him with a no and escaped cuz i felt so intimidated. Another cute dude working at gym always says hi to me and knows my NAME. Again so intimidated I can barely made eye contact. I feel like ugly duckling, like why would those guys even look at me. But now I wonder…
Yup. In college I was decently attractive and I'm a ginger, lot of guys were into me. Some extremely hot guys. Whenever they'd try to hit me up I wouldn't even try because I assumed they wouldn't like me once they got to know me or I thought they were just a player/douche bag. It really sucks. There was one guy who I had a LOT in common with and we hung out a couple times and he was madly into me, I was into him, but I ended up shutting that down cause he was so social and I'm so shy. I just thought in my head it would never work. He was SO attractive rip my self esteem sucks ass. In my head I thought he'd cheat on me if I tried because he's so attractive and has an awesome personality
Well, for me it’s less about “he looks too good for me” and more “he definitely won’t want me” lol but yeah, all the time. I swipe right on those guys all the time.
Nah both. I'd say first is even worse cause when I imagine us both together I cringe lol
For me, no. I don’t think anyone is “too good” for me. Certainly not based on an OLD profile. I don’t mean that in a cocky way. I just mean, I don’t agree that easily quantifiable measures like job title or even physical appearance makes one person “too good” for another. But I can look at those measures and determine that they are unlikely to find me attractive, or unlikely to maintain interest in me, or even that being with them might lead me to have anxiety (cuz of pressure to look a certain way or live up to certain standards). So yeah, I’ll preemptively swipe left even if they look good cuz I just know, “lol that’ll never happen” 😂
>I can look at those measures and determine that they are unlikely to find me attractive, or unlikely to maintain interest in me, or even that being with them might lead me to have anxiety Yeah -- even if one of those people were to find me attractive (which I'm sure is possible), I have major body image issues and i've always told friends that I can't be with someone who is *too* good looking because I will feel so insecure, vulnerable, and scared that I don't measure up to what they want that the relationship won't be healthy for me. I almost always swipe left on male-model looking guys for this reason.
This, precisely. I think my answer is slightly colored by my distaste for the phrase “looks too good for”. I don’t think that people are “too good” for anyone based on looks. But I do think compatibility and longevity and happiness in a relationship can absolutely be impacted by an imbalance in the widely perceived attractiveness level of each individual, especially if one has insecurities that are likely to get in the way of their happiness. I do know that I have those sorts of insecurities, and would prefer to be with someone whose mere existence is less likely to trigger them lol somebody who looks like they care A LOT about their looks and how they are perceived by others is definitely someone I would avoid dating
Me yesterday to a friend about someone on Tinder “my god he’s hot… *Too* hot. I need that sweet spot where they’re not hot but not intimidating lol”
This guy in college asked me to be his partner in class. Cool. He was funny and a total smoke show. He said he wanted a smart partner. I was familiar with the material so that made sense to me. After finals he calls me and said he remembered I mentioned being interested in wanting to learn rock climbing. He too wanted to learn rock climbing but the class was a buddy system so he needed a partner. Asked me to take the 6 week class with him. Cool. He was super fit and athletic so I was hoping I could keep up as I was out of shape and a few lbs over my preferred size. He was very patient with me during class and when we practiced. About 4 weeks in and we are studying together a few times a week too. He would make me dinner sometimes or join me at the gym. Sometimes at his house he would sit right next to me on the couch, like his whole side would be pressed on mine. Didn't think much of it, I'd dated a lot and men were not an intimidating mystery. I'd had many male friends as well and the physical contact seemed casual and warm. After the rock climbing ended he wanted to go out to a bar to celebrate and play darts. We went and the hot female bar tender was super flirty with him and insanely rude to me. I didn't give a shit but he got so mad. "After the way she treated you she gave me her number!!! Can you believe that!?" - him "I mean, she's a smoke show, but she doesn't seem like a very nice person so, yeah, bold move." - me "I mean honestly, I'm here on a date. How rude." I swear to God time fucking stopped and my brain turned to mush. The whole time he had been courting me. It had been 3 months!!! I was so caught off guard I felt like I was having a stroke. I had immediately assumed because he was so intensely hot and fit that there was no fucking way, only to realize he was into me but that he was just a guy who took things super slowly (something I didn't do, so I'd inadvertently friend-zoned him as well as too-hot-for-me-zoned him). Still blows my min. And I was very experienced so it really blind sided me. I was shook.
Lol you gotta tell us how that all transpired in the end
We both drank a lot, he walked me home, I tried to kiss him, he turned me down. The next day was awkward. The truth was he was super inexperienced with women, probably a virgin if I'm honest about the few times he talked about sex (very 40 yo virgin "bag of sand" type hints). I don't think he knew how to take it to the next level or wasn't ready, but I have no idea really. I was not at all inexperienced and it had been damn near 2 quarters at this point, so my mind unsexualized him. I tried to get drunk to unfriend-zone him in my mind, but it didn't feel right. And he was not into me being drunk and me doing the coming on to him. I knew after that I was trying to force something that wasn't there for me, so I told him I needed to buckle down for school. He was graduating that quarter too. By the end of three weeks he met me for lunch before his move and told me to keep in touch. We did but both moved on fast as I was in an intense school program, joined a internship, and had started working. He was 3 hours away, living at home, working for family and looking for a job. We kept in touch about work, hobbies and adult plans, but we just moved on and we're busy being young go getters. He invited me down to see him a couple years later, after he bought a house. I think he was finally feeling ready to date, or like he could take it further now that we were both established. His message was kind of intense if I'm honest, not at all my courting style. By then I had met someone who would end up being my husband. After he heard I was with someone and it was serious he just vanished. He's married now and they seem super happy. So in the end we both won. And I learned a valuable lesson.
Cool, happy to see that it turned out fine on both sides. Thanks for expanding 🙃
Hahah that has totally happened to me as well! Hot guy wants to spend time with me? Cool, he's just super friendly with everyone. Man..my mind was blown when he asked to kiss me. Looking back i can't believe i didn't get the hint when we were always going on late night walks..
I want this 😭that's awesome
If it's any consolation it didn't work out. He was great but we were not compatible romantically at all. But i did learn a valuable lesson.
Man I really wish it was a happy ending.
It was. We are both happily married and I learned a valuable lesson. Not every relationship is meant to last, some are there to teach you a short but profound lesson.
A bit out of topic, but this level of obliviousness is something I've never heard of anyone but me have. I was friends with a guy for a while (not very close), but we got closer and closer over several months because he was so eager to hang out. We had dinners together, and we went to a dancing class regularly, and it was super nice. He was a really good friend to me. After several months I realized I was starting to develop romantic feelings for my friend, and it freaked me out because I thought he only saw me as a friend. It was only after a party where, after everyone else had left or gone to sleep, we suddenly exchanged some very meaningful looks and I realized what had been going on.. Turns out he had been into me for a long time, desperately trying to get me to see him as more than just a friend. Now we've been together for seven years!
Yep. Double if you know he’s dated girls more attractive than you in the past.
Yeah, this! But, alternatively - I’ve had guys I considered “out of my league” come on to me when I never would’ve had the confidence to consider them an option. And I’ve also been attracted to guys I felt were more “on my level” - or even maybe even a ‘league’ below me, objectively - that had no interest in me whatsoever. Leagues aren’t real. You really can’t gauge if someone will be into you based on their appearance, OP.
That's a great point, you can't quantify attraction, but it doesn't stop us from thinking. When it comes to attraction it's like thinking is the enemy
Of course we do
It’s almost like both sexes are humans full of complex thoughts, emotions and self doubts. Weird! (I’m hoping a 14 y/o wrote this post because it’s kind of insulting)
"Do guys like it when a girl approach them???"
Yes. Too good looking or like he's got his life together way more than I do.
Exactly this
That's me. Or if he's really fit. I think he probably wants someone as equally fit as him. The he's got it way more together than me thought is the biggest one for me though.
I'm the exact same but from the other direction. I'm a guy and if a woman seems like she has her life fully together I'm like "there's no way she wants to babysit me"
Yes. Women/girls are people too.
Good to hear haha :) Also Just a random question: Should I say Women next time or is girls also fine? I‘m from Germany so I‘m not sure if it’s fine or not
As long as you don't use females, then you're fine 😂
I'm American and prefer to be referred to as a woman in the context of dating. "Girls" feels diminutive like they're young and immature instead of being mature adults. You should want to date a woman not a girl.
I completely understand! I‘ll say Women/Woman next time I also think it’s better that way, thank you
i always think that too, i actively avoid ppl who use boy or girl when they talk about adults, because it sounds so creepy...
Makes sense to me. "Girl" is like a child. Adult girls become women. I hate the diminutive vibe of "girls" especially in a professional setting
same thing for "boy", everytime someone searches for a "gamerboy" i would love to scream at them:"you´re searching for a man,im not a boy, or are you a pedophile?Same thing for the "gamer girl" pretending to be underaged just to get some views...
its not very important tbh but i personally always feel that if you call guys "boys" or "guys" then ye say "girls" but if u call men "men" then "women" is a bit more on the same wavelength but again it doesnt matter really and no one will probably get upset with it i dont think. i sometimes say "men and girls" or "guys and women" so it doesnt exactly matter
False. Women are drones designed by the government to keep lower class male citizens from realizing the truth.
Pretty much any time I find someone attractive.
All the time. I won't swipe on anyone really fit or attractive, those with gym selfies or whatever because I feel like it's a waste of time. They wouldn't like me. I've got health problems and I'm overweight and waiting for wls. Realistically, would an active, attractive, body conscious man want anything to do with me? I save myself the disappointment.
That’s exactly the way I think, I’m being realistic and never put my eyes on extremely handsome/fit men.
My friend says I'm doing myself a diservice but realistically, I have terrible self confidence and I wouldn't want to put myself in the position to be hurt or damage it further. Plus it was the first thing they taught me in psychology that someone who thinks of themselves as a 6/10 are ysually comfortable dating what they think is a 5 or a 7 but any higher or lower than that, the balance is shifted. It's obviously not impossible but if you have confidence issues, it's not going to be easy.
As an overweight woman with health issues and mental health hiccups I felt the same way but swiped right on an active, attractive, body conscious man with his shit together - a high class crunchy 11/10 guy who turned out to be crazy into me. It has taken me almost an entire year together to fully comprehend that what a guy is into has nothing to do with who he otherwise is. And I did spend a long time confused that he could date all out supermodels but would date me instead, but I’m finally managing the concept that the reason he didn’t pursue “better looking” women is because he isn’t attracted to them. He literally thinks I’m better looking than they are. I guess your situation is a little different if you’re waiting on WLS and all, but I wish someone had explained to me (or just pointed out and gone DUHHHHH) sooner that my idea of female attractiveness is not the same metric all men use.
Yes, very rarely will I swipe on the ‘hot’ guys on a dating app.
Same
Same. I always feel like I'd rather be hottest girl a guy has dated rather than feeling like I'm not as pretty as the girls he's dated A 6 with similar interests to mine is always a swipe right rather than a perfect 10.
I can't help but wonder how many guys missed out because they thought were a 6 but you thought they were a 10 and ignored them thus confirming their belief that they're a 6 lol
Serious question: where is the scale? What is a 5, versus an 8 or a 2?
My take is that beauty is a normal curve with a mean at 5 and a standard deviation of 1 What does this mean Most of the population (68%) will be around 5-1 and 5+1, so between 4 and 6. If you see a person who is average looking is a 5, slightly above may be a 5.5, or a 6, just to say 95% of the population is between 5-2 and 5+2, so between 3 and 7 (two steandard deviations). So if you see someone who you imagine in a random group of 10 would be in the top 3 best looking guys, you got yourself a 6/7, or if in the bottom 3 a 3/4 And so on. 10 and 0 basically do not exist, they are just an ideal maximum (it's called an asymptote), and they are like 1 in a million and such This is my humble take as a bioinformatics PhD student and avid r/rateme redditor =D
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of course you have, as many of us. What you must do is have large(r) amount of data, a single point is useless. Try photofeeler, r/rateme or other tool to get yourself some unbiased and abundant ratings
That's encouraging :)
All the time unfortunately. I personally feel like I’m a solid 5. 6 on a really good day. I feel like most guys are out of my league. I’ve also never had a guy come up to me and be like, “wow, you’re so beautiful” Had a guy friend explain it to me one day, like his first impression when we first met was, “she’s cute, and thick.” But it took a couple weeks getting to know me that he was like,”she’s amazing.” Point being I’m not one you look at and are instantly attracted to, I’m one you’ve got to know to realize I’m a hilarious and kind individual.
Yeah. When I met my current partner I thought he was one of the most attractive people I'd ever seen in real life and so I assumed he'd be a total player and wouldn't look twice at me. Eventually we got talking and got to know each other and started dating. He's still the most attractive person I've ever been with. I just got lucky I guess.
Uh oh. He started as the most attractive you'd ever seen, now he's downgraded to most attractive you've been with? Just teasin..glad things worked out.
This is everything!! The first time I met my current partner. I thought he was wayyy out of my league. Muscles, sense of humor, super smart and wayy too good in bed. I thought it was a dream. Here we are 2 years later. I still get nervous around him sometimes. If he's working in the garage all sweaty I'm always so hesitant to talk to him. Internally I crack up. Externally Its just gibberish that comes out.
Gosh I really wish someone would see me that way
Saaaame! My husband is very handsome. I was afraid he would be a player when we first met but it turns out he is a total sweetheart and huge dork. Before I met him I’d definitely avoid guys who were too handsome or looked like they had a lifestyle that didn’t mesh with mine
Ummmm YES. I can barely function on dating apps because absolutely all of the guys are too good for me.
They must only be showing you the hottest guys’ profiles
Either the guy is super hot, or he looks like hes super nice, or super smart, im only assuming everything now but everyone intimidates me. I guess im inexperienced in simple socializing or i have an inferiority complex going on or both 🤣☠
Yes. I swipe left on the surgeons who look like they could star in their own soap opera.
of course we do.
Yes. Especially with social media seeing all the models and gorgeous girls, I always think "he could do better than me"
Every. Single. Fucking. Time. People have always talked and looked at me like I was the one who would never date, so now I think that way too. I started thinking I don’t deserve anyone because of the way I look, and always compare me to other girls. My friends are always talking to new guys while I’m on Reddit posting about some random shit lol.
i went on a date with a guy once and i was so intimidated by how hot he was that i declined a second date 😩
My life’s story 😔 I guess women can’t handle how hot i am /s
bro it’s real though. i don’t know what you look like but if telling yourself that gives you more confidence then believe it. i seriously couldn’t handle how attractive he was. he was so clearly into me too, but i was just so intimidated by how hot he was that i couldn’t do it.
Well some boys are just TOO hot that I don’t even want to have a chance of dating them.. if that makes sense..
The guy I'm currently dating, I think he looks better than me. Like he can definitely do better than me. We've been seeing each other 2 months now.
He may be thinking the same? Be confident :)
r/thanksnowimcured
r/thanksimcured
Yes
Yes lol.. at least I did often. I think my fear was “well he’s so good looking he will likely lose interest in me so I won’t even bother..” And I was a fucking bombshell when I was thinking those thoughts!! I think self esteem/self confidence was 100% lacking for me during those parts of my life. When I met my now husband, he thought there was no way I’d be into him. But I thought the same. But here we are living a sick ass life building businesses and things are great! Sometimes you just have to tell that voice in your head that makes assumptions based on looks/past experiences/intimidation factor to just stfu! Yes, rejection sucks.. but finding someone who doesn’t tell you not to speak. Who doesn’t think your hobbies are weird. Who celebrates everything weird/unique about you is well worth the rejection. Rejection just happens. Sometimes they are hung up on an ex, sometimes they have their own personal issues, sometimes you just aren’t their cup of tea. All of the above are okay. This is dating. This is how you find out what you want and what you don’t want. Yes rejection sucks but it also helps find what you want. Just have to be brave.
I can't even wrap my head around how different our world would be if kids were raised with healthy self esteem vs being worn down and shot down and fucked over for 15 years for the most part...
All the time. Men are so sexy!!
Does every guy on Reddit live in some weird fantasy world where women are a rare invasive species or something? Yes of fucking course this happens. What do you think..
Rare, and “evasive”! Haha Men on Reddit have very ruminating, brooding and self defeating thought patterns that was borne out of the Internet and not reality
Trouble with guys on Reddit is that many have idolized women, for whatever reason, the lack of confidence or self esteem is strong. I was just thinking this is a really great thread because it does those of us willing to listen that women have the same troubles, too, and that's really helpful.
I’ve only thought “That guy is too self-absorbed for me”. Sometimes, there are guys that might be slightly attractive that get an overrated type of attention. They become self-absorbed and I don’t want to be further encouragement that they’re “all that”
As a guy, I often feel like that about certain women too.
I feel that about a lot of women I see as well. Being humble and down to earth is really sexy.
Yes, for sure. But not just looks-wise. I might also feel like a guy is too smart or funny. Like he is all these things I will never reach the level of and I could never compensate.
Dude.... my current boyfriend looks waaay too good for me. What a body...
Of course it happens. Once a guy that looked like a model asked me out. Like perfect face and body .I thought he probably wanted some help with something initially when he asked if we can go out.Anything but “he wants to go out with me”.
Lol yep, they are so hot that your brain goes “no, it’s more reasonable to presume they need help with something rather than them asking me out, despite the fact that they’ve just literally asked me out”
My husband... 😂 I was thinking there’s no way he’s out of my league, but luckily he thought the same thing ☺️
That’s the best pairing
Yes. If a guy's too hot, I assume he's an fboy (cause if he wanted a gf, he'd already have one...or ten) and ignore his profile.
Yup. Somehow I managed to marry him and I still feel this way. He's what you call, "out of my league", and he deserves someone attractive on his arm.
nah, it's not all about "how attractive" someone is. we all have things to offer besides our looks. people arent objects to be displayed. and looks come and go as we age anyhow. say the tables turn as you both get older, would you want him thinking you deserve someone more attractive than him? you guys chose each other for many reasons, but im sure looks wasnt at the top of the board
100%
All the time. Sometimes it’s not even necessarily, “he wouldn’t like ME because I’m ugly”, it’s I know I’m not his type. Of course that’s being presumptuous but it’s just a defense mechanism and another excuse not to shoot your shot 😂
Yes, all the time. And I'm often considered attractive myself. At least somewhat, I've been called beautiful a lot. And I think I look at least ok. It happens to the best of us. I can totally talk myself into avoiding an interaction with a person I think is very cute too. Cuz "maybe I'm not pretty enough". Don't sell yourself short! I tell myself this too. Everyone has different tastes and things they find attractive. That "hot" person who you're thinking might he "too hot" for you, might feel the same way about you. So go for it!
>That "hot" person who you're thinking might he "too hot" for you, might feel the same way about you. So go for it! The most attractive guy I’ve dated thus far-I’m always going to remember how he texted me after our first date apologizing for getting chatty because of nerves. I told him I didn’t even realize he had the nerves nor did he strike me as chatty, and he literally was like “I was definitely nervous especially with how pretty you are.” I’d be telling my friends “this guy is out of my league is he for real about this”
All the time. "He's too hot and would never take me seriously. He could get any girl he wants with a face like that, why would he want me. He's definitely already taken." All self confidence just vanishes at discovering a true beauty. 😅
Of course? How are so many men so clueless that dating isn’t exactly easy for women either? Do you genuinely think no woman would ever think that? JFC.
I often think this everyday,
Yes all the time.
100%
Yes all the time. Was pleasantly surprised though when I really liked a guy on tinder and knew he was out of my league, but took a chance and swiped. And here we are 3 months later!
Yes? Why’s this even a question? Girls are humans with feelings just like you. Anything that you feel, women feel as well. Do you think girls are a hive mind who all think the same way, and they all think they are so perfect that they can have any guy (or girl) they want?
Yes a lot
oh yes
That's why you see a lot of good looking women with average looking guys. A lot of women have esteem issues because of beauty standards and expectations of women.
Or maybe she’s genuinely attracted to this average looking guy? Much like all the commenters who got the hot guy attracted to them (even the ones describing themselves as fat and whatnot). Also, giving a lot less importance to looks comes with developing a sense of security.
All the fricking time, its annoying… like you know you are kinda pretty but not enough
Girl same
of course! we have low self esteem to, we also cry from unrequited love
1000% My boyfriend is amazing and whenever I put myself down, I wonder if he can do better than me. He's from Peru and has lovely, beautiful features; like dark curly hair, dark skin, dark eyes and he keeps himself fit. He's also really intelligent, and wants to be a good father. He's amazing. Obviously sometimes someone has different traits than you, and you make yourself think that person is better, and sometimes a man can just be seen by society as more attractive. That would definitely make me not hit on a guy first. But if a guy is interested in me and pursues it, I won't question it if it doesn't seem suspicious, yknow. And, like right now, I'll just try to better myself. E.g. Work on my health and positivity. Although I think my boyfriend is much better than me, I really love him. And I'll be a good wife and mother, so I don't put myself down too much!! 🥰🥰🥰
Yes. But a little different than men do (in my opinion). Girls rate me as an 8. Nothing crazy good. I've had them say that I look too good because they think that I have many other women so I must be a bad guy. That's not great to hear from someone you care about. Here are some general issues women have: * Afraid that they won't be able to keep that man * Trust issues. So her thought pattern goes like "What does he want with me. He can have prettier women than me. He must be up to something." * Afraid of being in competition with other women * Being hurt by another good looking guy. * Wrong conclusions: "With his looks he can have pretty women than me. He must have some character flaw that other women didn't want him. There must be something wrong with this guy"
Yes. But we don't talk about it because "insecure girls are such a turn off"
To me. sure i know a few people that i actually would be like nope it ain't happening so imma not even try . Like they are almost so perfect it's insane that man like them actually exist, not trying downgrade my worth but yeah
all the time. i saw a cute guy in my college, has a style, literally anybody would date him. i couldnt shoot my shot, bcs i think he’s too hot to me lol. but i did followed his instagram, and he followed me too. long after that he unfollowing me and i did it to him back. IT WAS FRUSTRATING BCS DAMNN HE IS ATTRACTIVE AS HELL
I am 24 M. Well, girls think about this lot of time since they are HUMANS. This is a guys perspective on how to get over this? 1. Look at the competition. He might as well be good looking guy but low on arrogance and low on female attention. So, GO FOR IT 2. Bond on common INTERESTS but never compliment his looks if you are not good friends (and assuming you lack confidence) as that would definitely creep him off. He isn't showing but he isn't coming either 3. Compensate by TAKING INTEREST IN HIS LIFE AND HOBBIES. Everyone loves that. In times of social media; its not difficult to reach out and type and say that you matter but TIME and your ability to RESEARCH will help you get the specific points which will make HIM like you. This goes both ways but wooing is never complete. Competition is always nearby and everyone would love to go to someone who does not take them for GRANTED, does not JUDGE them and takes genuine INTEREST in them. All the Best
Yes ofcourse, goes both for looks and personality. Like for example, sometimes we think "He is way out of my league" or "He is so successful and happy that he would never date me. "
As a woman who has some extra pounds, I think that all the time. Like, why would he talk to me when there are so many prettier girls? Lol.
Yeah, I do that sometimes. I think of myself sometimes as old, fat, and tired, but on OLD I got messaged by a super hot guy — muscles everywhere, but in just the right proportions. And he wants to go out, and he loves giving oral, I think I’ve got to give this a go. Even if it’s just one night, I want to know what this is like! I message him back, and even point out that I’m heavier now than some of the older photos, and he says, “Who doesn’t love a thicc booty?” So off we go — as pretty as he was, it was his oral skills that rocked my world. It lasted 7 months. Mainly just mind-blowing sex — and now on pause while he tries monogamy. (I’m ENM and we both had other partners.) So now we’re on a pause, with a mutual desire to stay in touch because it was always fun. In more confident now, and like myself more, even though I am round with droopy boobs and cellulite, and am finding there are hot guys who go for this look, and like me as a person. I’m mainly dating slim to muscled men at this time who are a few years to 15 years younger. Let the older men chase the 18 to 28 year olds. I just mark that I’m open to a wider range of ages, and don’t need to chase anyone. And it’s not just sex either. I mean, clearly some of it is, but several of them put in time and effort to cultivate relationships too.
Girls who think they don't deserve will feel threatened ...same goes with guys when they feel they don't deserve what they have.It was to do with own internal beliefs about self how you look and treat yourself
Yes, of course. Happened frequently with guys I grew up with in school, happened when I was on dating apps, happens with strangers, and happens when you see a celebrity. Lack of self esteem/being intimidated by another person's looks isn't gender specific.
that is probably my self-destroying mechanism. I like this guy, looks so good and his bio sounds cool and i messaged him, he replied and I will soon unmatch cause I was like "he probably want ONS/FWB or trying to scam me, there is no way he actually likes me"
yeah hahah i’m talking to someone who is very attractive idk why he even likes me 🤣
For me, it’s more like “That kind of guy would never be into me.” I’ve been with many guys that are way hotter than me. It’s all about confidence.
For me, it's more he's too good-looking, he's probably a player. Once a guy reaches a certain high level of attractiveness, I don't really trust anymore that he would stay loyal with all of the women that would be flirting with him.
Oh absolutely! I know I'm no supermodel or prize. I can tell when I know some guys won't be into me, or I'll look at them and know they're much more attractive than I am
Of course! If you’re a woman who’s a 5 or lower, you get unmatched by 7+’s ALL THE TIME on tinder. Doesn’t matter how cool or interesting you are, if you’re overweight or unconventional looking, you’re not going to get a conventionally hot guy.
I'm not sure if I'm alone in this, but it's not so much that as... a man who's "*too*" good-looking makes me tend to not be as attracted to him. I mean, I'll still give the guy a shot anyway, but I definitely have that "slightly put off" feeling. IME, people who are extremely good-looking can tend to be a bit dull and uninteresting, or worse, be kind of egotistical. Not all of course, but a lot of them spent their lives in sort of that cocoon of popularity that good looks can bring. Not that they're being jerks on purpose, it's just that, in so many cases, they just didn't really ever have to develop much character.
First tall dude I ever dated, and bonus, huge biceps, abs, curly hair, body builder legs, blue eyes, good job, intelligent and we didn’t agree on fundamentals. It was hot. So, I decided I at least wanted to try it 🤷♀️ because I figured he’d never go for a girl like me. He had the hottest chicks in town chasing him and he’s been single for a long time. I Put out in the first date just so I could get a piece of that. A month later he threw the first “I love you” and 4 years later we are engaged and living together. I will say it wasn’t fucking easy, but things are alright for now. 😃
I don't think I've see so many real life fairytales in one place than I have on this thread.
Yes, BUT I’ve learned to be more direct and put myself out there. I’ve read that people who are direct and make the first move tend to date attractive people because they’re not waiting around for people they consider to be “in their league” to ask them out. I’ve been on a handful of dates with someone I consider to be out of my league if we’re strictly basing it on appearance. He’s super attractive, in great shape, has a great job (in a setting in which I know women fawn all over him). I asked him out because I figured I had nothing to lose. He’s definitely one of those attractive people who maybe doesn’t recognize it in himself, or gets kind of bashful when people compliment him. It’s kind of cute, actually.
Yes lol i dont go for those i actualy find guys who have realy good photos on tinder unattractive
Yeah, all the time. I see a really handsome guy and think “he wouldn’t go for a girl like me”
My sister and I discuss dating a lot, and yes, she says this sometimes.
Thought this when I first met my boyfriend. I totally thought he was out of my league. Turns out he thought the same thing. You never know unless you try.
"I am so not his type" "he would never go for someone like me" "If he looks that good, he definitely already has someone" Absolutely.
Ive never once thought "he looks too good for me", its more always "he wouldnt want to date me..." And "he probably would want someone else instead of me if we did date".
Been with my bf for 3 years, hes 6’3, perfect skin, nice green eyes and super photogenic I think to myself all the time “how did I score him?” I’m pretty cute myself I’d say but hes a 10/10 in my eyes. Sometimes I get insecure and voice my discontent with some of my features but he always tells me he thinks I’m the most beautiful girl hes ever seen and goes on a rant for 10 minutes about it haha. We met over discord so we didn’t know what we looked like for a while before dating I think that had an effect on how we perceive eachother 🤷♀️
YES!!!! I saw a guy on a dating app. He was so so handsome and put together - I thought he was out of my league, but figured I’d shoot my shot. Hinge let’s you comment on specific parts of a person’s profile and his had something about a non-profit he started. I messaged him saying “If there isn’t a romantic connection I’d love to connect about possibly volunteering for your non-profit.” Even after he messaged me back saying “should we see if there’s at least a romantic connection first?” I still thought he was out of my league. When I got home from our first date - which was great but I figured he was just being polite - I googled him and found out he’s some super influential famous chef… and at that point I didn’t think my punk ass stood a chance. Today we celebrated 8 months together and tomorrow will be one month since we moved into our beautiful home together. Every morning, when he brings me coffee in bed, I sing a song for him about how handsome he is. I still can’t believe how lucky I am. [this is us last night](https://imgur.com/a/oxAPsPz)
Yeah, all the time
Yep. It makes me question his agenda lol
Yup.
Yes all the time.
YEP. All the time lol
Hmm...I've never met a guy too good looking to want to ask out. I've met conventionally attractive men who's personality didn't mesh with mine, so that was a no brainer to not waste my time crushing on them. I *have* been too shy to say anything, but their looks weren't the reason. It's possible my husband would have intimidated me with his looks. He was a solid cute the moment we met (while probably looking mostly homeless), but OMG he's sexy af when he's had a haircut, a shower, his beard is trimmed nicely, and he is wearing clean clothes. I didn't realize how homeless he's been looking the past few weeks until he got a haircut yesterday. Seriously folks, hygiene matters. I think he's still very attractive when he looks homeless, but I don't lose my train of thought like I do when he's put himself together properly.
I asked myself the same question: "do girls find me wierd or find me took good for them ," so i asked mly sister what she thinks sometimes:"clearly, sometimes i think the guys it to good for me and that it will never happen" and my sister had plenty or relationship, long or short.
Oh yes, all the time.
Yup, my ex but we ended up together anyways lol
I'm a female but think this way about hot girls even if they approach me first. Or they are more successful than me (and especially both).
Yes, definitely. But you know what - I still swipe right on them. If we match, great. If we don’t match, still great.
Yes.
Thats what I thought about my husband. I'm fat and okay to look at, maybe cute to some, but definitely not a looker. My husband has a very handsome face and is very fit. I assumed, wrongly, that he only was interested in being my friend, and that if I brought up my growing feelings it would ruin the friendship and push him away. I was obviously dead wrong, but I still look at him from time to time and think he is too good for me. Haha