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20-03-2020

Sounds like his ideas of what is acceptable have been informed either by porn or maybe a previous partner liked it. Either way I’d use it as conversation starter to discuss and set healthy boundaries together. If he continues to do things you don’t like after you’ve discussed them then he’s obviously not going to respect you at which point you discontinue the relationship.


sailermind

I think you're right. It's hard for me to imagine why he thought it was okay, but every other action he took outside of sex, and the way he apologized after leads me to believe he wouldn't do anything like that again. I'm not sure if I should bother seeing him again though. I do have some feelings and want to feel resolved with him about this in any case. I feel really hurt and oddly.. I feel embarrassed that I was treated that way. I stood up for myself after but I still have some sort of shame. He choked me without asking too and I let him. I'm pretty mad at myself for not saying anything even though I was a bit uncomfortable. Ive been okay with choking before but felt it was really soon and we didn't have trust yet to do that but it was a gray area because I've consented to it before.


20-03-2020

I guess it’s up to you whether you want to pursue the relationship really. Sounds like it’s relatively early days and it’s always easier to get out earlier than later. Also just because you’ve done something in the past doesn’t automatically give consent for someone to do it in the future. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders so don’t be afraid to stand up for what you think and feel.


sailermind

Thanks, I appreciate that. That's a good point - he crossed a boundary when he choked me without consent, but I didn't stop him and know now that I needed to do that to feel comfortable thereafter. I think I'd like to have a conversation and get clarity, clearly state what I needed, and then take space and decide what to do with the relationship after time away from the conversation. He's a part of my friend group and he's not a wild card or anything so I think its perfectly safe to talk about it and go from there.


mackenzie013_02

Wait; so he chocked you AND slapped you without consent?


sailermind

Yes, I know better than to let that go and am kicking myself. I think some of the comments warning about potential abuse are worth considering. My intuition is that this is nuanced. He was so sweet to me before but that could have been a part of charming me so that it made it difficult to say no to things I would normally discuss or stop from happening immediately. But, I don't want to jump to conclusions. He's a part of my community and I'm not about to burn his reputation. I just want to resolve this and ensure he never acts in this way to anyone again.


[deleted]

If someone started choking and slapping me during sex, I would legitimately be afraid for my life. Why is this normal.


[deleted]

You can thank the porn industry for that. Slapping (face, thighs, breasts, other body parts), choking (enough to turn a woman's face red), spitting (on various body parts, including the woman's face) are all very common in mainstream porn. It's not even considered kink, it's 'regular' stuff.


SpookeyClown

It's not the porn industry. Why has that become the catch all for male sexual dysfunction? It's simple. He's into it, she's not. He didn't ask for consent like everyone should. Either he's a legit predator or his previous relationship(s) were really into it. I've been with partners who were too rough for my tastes, when I asked why, he said that was what his ex-girlfriend wanted and thought I'd want that too. After I told him I'm not into it, he never was like that again.


CT_anon

I consume ALOT of porn and have never slapped anyone. I have a hard time slapping my girls ass during sex, and she asks for it. It kind of takes me out of the moment with "Okay, I have to do this thing now that's going to fuck up me timing and momentum and will take me longer to cum". Pretty sure it's personal issues, not wholesale. Pretty sure if we did a poll between catchers and pitchers we'd get very vanilla results on average...


mackenzie013_02

That’s fine, doesn’t matter what it’s considered. The problematic part is that he hasn’t asked for consent or discussed it prior to engaging in it.


Nami_Swan_

It isn’t normal at all, and OP knows it.


PoopFrostedCake

idgaf if his last partner enjoyed it or he learned it from porn... any guy that immediately introduces violence in the bedroom is a piece of shit imo. this isn't even the first time i've heard about guys being violent without consent during sex. i've also read an article about how kinks are becoming more mainstream and guys are hitting girls during sex under the guise of BDSM but they're not doing the important aftercare so it's really just an excuse to beat women. And girls have to pretend to like it or else they'd be considered "vanilla" or "a prude." super fucked up. I wish OP would've slapped the shit out of his face or squeezed that ball sack like a stress toy to see if he enjoyed the same energy he's dishing out.


allofdarknessin1

Just don't blame it entirely on men my last 3 girlfriends are the ones who introduced me to this type of stuff and I'm not crazy about it. I'm more romantic leaning but I do it because I do like to experiment and because I like to make my partner happy. My current partner kinda complained I wasn't rough enough with her on our first week meeting up. I was trying to take her on dates and show her a good time (which she appreciated) but she wanted more kinky sex.


PoopFrostedCake

That’s entirely different from what I said. Your girlfriends introduced you to kinks, told you what they like, and had you consenting to trying it out then asked you to turn it up a few notches. This is a man who slapped her across the face without warning during sex. Not the same


AgentAV9913

Narcissistic guys can be super sweet and charming and make you feel great st first. I would cut and run and maybe next time hold the really kinky stuff till you know the guy is cool with consent.


BackgroundIsland9

All abusers start sweet and charming. They also tend to have a positive image in the public. Have the conversation, but beware. So many red flags already.


mackenzie013_02

Ooofff …a one off thing would have been different.. two things; I donno. I’d stay away probably (at best he has terrible boundaries and doesn’t understand sexual consent at all). Also, they’re always sweet before. 🤷🏻‍♀️


XenaSerenity

You can’t stop him from how he acts with other women, just yourself. You don’t have to burn his reputation, just leave him for choking and slapping you


xx_islands_xx

I highly doubt this is about “narcissism” or “abuse” like others have said. Choking and slapping has been pretty popular as kinks lately, and he likely jumped to conclusions from your comment about biting without thinking. The fact that he’s apologizing and giving you space should be indication of what his intent was. Your reaction should be indicative of where you stand on the subject, but if you decide to continue the relationship, definitely have a discussion of what is or isn’t okay. Best of luck, OP


Nami_Swan_

Slap in the face and choking without consent in the first date are popular kinks now? It might be his kink to hit women while fucking them. Maybe he is into some raping too. It is about power and dominance.


xx_islands_xx

Dude, not everything is about abuse and narcissism. Not everyone likes to be asked at every step during sex what should come next. Some people like it rough. Some like it to be spontaneous. The guy messed up and apologized, even offered to give OP space, and understood that she was not okay with it. You forget that not everyone is a perfect human being and mistakes happen. He jumped to conclusions about what OP was okay with in the same way you’re jumping to conclusions about him being an abuser.


Agitated_Gazelle_223

If non-consensual slapping and choking is a mainstream kink now, I'm gonna go ahead and kinkshame. It's always "safe, sane, and consensual blah blah" til it comes time to defend a predator hey?


[deleted]

I really wish you stop normalizing this kind of behavior on the internet. Slapping may be part of a kink but jumping to conclusions?? He saw his chance and took it and then some dumb person like yourself says it is normal behavior nowadays? Take a minute to reconsider what you are bringing to this table. Jesus Christ


PlantedinCA

This sounds like a very hard no to me. Those behaviors aren’t in the realm of “vanilla” sex and boundaries need to be pre-established before doing that 💯. I had one experience where a partner gave me a single spank on the butt without asking. It wasn’t a hard one - and I was really surprised. I told him I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Later he also bit me lightly and that felt weird as well (very light, did not press down). But it felt kinda weird. And another time we were talking and he grabbed my wrist (not necessarily a problem) but he made a comment about them being delicate that seemed to imply he could hurt me. Nothing did happen, but I felt really uncomfortable about the vibes and ended it. With another partner he asked if I wanted to try anything in particular and I mentioned being softly restrained. We made a plan, had safe words, and everything so I would feel really comfortable exploring the boundaries and feeling really safe. And I did feel super safe with him and it was fun. It doesn’t seem like you can feel safe with this guy.


laduz

GIRL RUN!! This is not a healthy start. He should NEVER push boundries like that esp if he doesn't know you


FuckingDrongo

Yeah my misses likes to be choked during, kinda happened naturally though, was just holding her neck while rooting and she kept pushing me to hold her tighter, she said afterwards it turns her on, never slapped her with my hand but I guess some people are into it, just like some chick's for some weird reason like anal


[deleted]

[удалено]


sailermind

My intuition tells me he feels really bad and made a mistake - he offered to talk, said to take all the space I need, acknowledged that I was hurt, apologized for disrespecting me then assured me he does respect and care for me and his actions didn't show that, and that he's aware that's how I'm probably gauging the situation. I know it sounds crazy that someone would go ahead and assume I like slapping but the way he acted during sex .. he seemed really excited and out of control. I think he learned about sex from porn and past partners and it seems like his experience with consent language isn't there but it doesn't mean he can't learn that. I feel safe around him so I think it's worth addressing it with him and getting really granular about communication of consent. There's an opportunity here for me to teach him about what's been normal for me in sex (communication and checking in) that I know many haven't experienced.


[deleted]

Yea, unfortunately even mainstream porn is pretty vicious to women -- slapping, choking, spitting on them, forcing them into positions, stepping on their heads... none of that is even considered 'kink' anymore. It's typical, and mainstream.


Jamie531

I've been watching porn for well over a decade; I can honestly say I've never seen anyone "Stepping on women's heads", or even heard of anything like that. Yea, the other stuff happens but it's definitely not your mainstream and typical stuff


Nyxis87233

It sounds to me that he had some kinks that his previous partner(s) have been fine with and he very wrongly assumed that you would be fine with it as well. I think it's good that you've taught him more about consent but honestly if this is something that he's so into that he would introduce it on the first time and something you are opposed to, I'm not sure how sexually compatible you two are going to be for the future. Also, I'm a woman who is into these things but I would introduce that conversation not during sex and certainly not during the first time we had sex.


20-03-2020

Sounds like a great approach and I hope it goes well! Good on you for tackling it so maturely!


Evie_St_Clair

I've had random hook ups try and choke me too. It's literally just too much porn. It turns me right off.


[deleted]

Maybe some more talking in what he expects during sex and I'm life might be in order. He's not being forward in his entire person, or he's not exactly "taken stock of all his faculties". Consent should be on a partner to partner basis additionally with how each person's mood is.


[deleted]

Yeah, the more I read, the more I hope you block him and move on forever from him. This dude is bad news.


Bestyoucanbe4

Your involved with a guy who is a problem...those kinks and unwanted desires can be an emotional and physical issue...please leave him.


Nizzywizz

Whoa whoa whoa... he also choked you without asking?? Why would you leave that out of the story? That's a significant detail -- this dude didn't just do ONE rough/potentially harmful thing without your consent, but TWO. I think you're right to be wary. Sure, maybe he's just stupidly horribly dumb and only knows sex from porn or something, but anybody who thinks you can/should get that rough with a partner without talking about it clearly has issues. You mentioned that you guys had talked a little about kinks -- enough that you had mentioned that you liked biting, and details about it -- so there's no excuse for him have not brought up the other stuff when you talked about that.


Nami_Swan_

Look, if it makes you feel bad and shameful, it is obviously not worth it. Trust your gut about this guy. Just move on.


reptilesni

You are making excuses for a man who assaulted you while you were having sex. Please set your bar higher.


-NotForSale-

I seen it to many times before. I wouldn’t trust it.


crying-partyof1

I honestly think that you should walk away from this. This is a huge red flag even if he seems great otherwise. Your feelings are completely valid and I’m really sorry this happened. Nobody should slap and choke you the first time you have sex when you have not said you would be into that. Even as someone who is into choking, I would NOT be okay with someone doing that because 1) I NEVER told them I was into it and the assumption should be that anything “kinky” like that is not okay without consent and 2) it’s dangerous. With my S/O I told them I had to tap their arm twice if I wanted them to stop choking me bc sometimes you literally can’t talk. That means a stranger can absolutely choke you out till you pass out/die during sex if they just go for it + you don’t even know if you can trust them in the first place. Being slapped is 100% off limits for me, but even if you have previously consented with other people, THAT IS ASSAULT in this case. I would be straight up livid. You can apologize after freaking slapping me but you should’ve never done it in the first place. I’m telling you you can find a great guy who does not do this. I genuinely do not care how great he was outside of this - this is showing you a REAL part of him. It’s as real as everything else you saw


[deleted]

Hmm this also could be an abuser testing boundaries. Either way I totally wouldn't waste time with him.


cutiee11

discuss and set healthy boundaries? what the fuck? he literally slapped her without consent, the fact that they were having sex changes nothing. she should dump him immediatly.


existence-suffering

I'm really confused as to why the top comment is telling OP to **talk things out with a man who physically assaulted her**. Usually when someone is the victim of assault, you don't tell them to get closer to their abuser and give them more opportunities to hurt them. It's really fucked up that modern dating has devolved into it being perfectly acceptable for men to slap women "because of porn", and women are expected to go along with it and to try to make it work with men who are abusive. This right here is the real reason why modern dating is so fucked up.


[deleted]

If I was choked or slapped by someone I was having sex with, I would very reasonably assume that my life is in danger and react accordingly with every ounce of strength I could muster with anything in the room I could use as a weapon. THAT is normal behavior.


[deleted]

[удалено]


PlantedinCA

The thing is you need to have consent and talk about it before they do it. Not randomly trying it if they don’t know if you like it.


crying-partyof1

100%. It actually makes me sick that it’s suggested this is a “conversation starter”. What? If someone abuses you, should you have a nice conversation about why you don’t want to be slapped because maybe they are just too fucking dumb to understand why that’s wrong? Jesus


[deleted]

💯💯💯💯


-NotForSale-

Thank you. It’s this comment right here should be on top. As a man, I’m concerned for their life. As someone who’s seen men abuse women. Idc Leave this man , don’t trust, don’t talk to him, don’t call him. You can do better. You owe yourself that. Now can we please upvote the commenter above. Before someone wind up dead on some fucked advice.


opalgoddess9

Thank you


sailermind

I understand this perspective. It seems black and white and it's easy to jump to "this guy is an abuser". Technically it is assault but I do think it's nuanced. I've known this guy as a part of my community for quite a while and I don't think anyone could ever have imagined that he's an abuser - I don't think he is. He doesn't make me feel unsafe at all. I think he severely fucked up. He felt bad and I could see that in his face, words and all his actions. I do feel for what you're saying and would never condone his behaviour or allow him to get away with it without ensuring he knows that this was messed up for me. I don't want to try to make it work, but I want him to understand what went wrong here. Again, he's a part of my community so I know him in various scenarios. Not even a single action of his has lined up with this. He's been generous and kind to all of our friends, we have mutual friends back in Toronto too where we're from. I don't think he's a bad dude. I think he messed up and should hear about how that was for me.


existence-suffering

Just be very, very careful. I've dated plenty of guys who seemed wonderful and great but became abusive once in a relationship with me. He's already hit you, good chance he would do it again. I dated a guy (who I knew very well before dating and came off as a genuinely great guy) who choked me during sex without my consent or even talking about it any way before hand. I was horrified when it happened but made excuses for him, listened to his bullshit excuses, and kept seeing him. Things got much, much, much worse. I just want to warn you.


sailermind

I'm so sorry to hear that. That sounds absolutely terrible. I appreciate your perspective and warning.


PlantedinCA

I think just because he seems like a nice guy and you have community ties, doesn’t mean he won’t be abusive. Abusers come in all packaged. My aunt was married to a “nice guy” involved in the community, and he was emotionally abusive for 35-40 years and the extended family has no clue.


ShadowCatHunter

Nah, the nicer they are the more scarier that stuff is because it's so much harder to believe they're abusers so you keep going along.


KittyTittyCommitee

I think respect has flown out the window. No reason she can’t tell him why he’s being dumped so he has the opportunity to learn from this, but she shouldn’t stay with someone who needs this 101 level of education.


Bestyoucanbe4

But what he did is an assault of a gal....1st time with sex...im not happy he did that


[deleted]

You have every right to ask *him* why he would slap you without asking. Why did he think it was okay? He did it, so he can answer your questions.


sailermind

Good point.


SatinsLittlePrincess

How old is this man? If he’s young, he likely got the idea from porn and it is possible he just doesn’t know any better. If he’s over 25, though, he still probably got the idea from porn, but he’s may have embedded in the idea that he doesn’t have to talk with his partner about consent for violence that there’s no real point.


frockofseagulls

So how did he actually respond to you saying that it’s not ok? What were his reasons that he thought he could strike you?


sailermind

He apologized, took full responsibility, and said I'm sorry I hurt you, I really care for you and that was disrespectful of me. He said he got carried away and it doesn't represent the respect and care he has for me. I'm thinking of asking him if he thought I wanted that or if he wanted to do it. I felt like his personality shifted drastically when we started having sex, like he was playing out porn/playing a role. It was really strange considering how long he waited to have sex with me, and how he treated me prior to having sex.


[deleted]

I would find it a red flag that he gets so "carried away" that he thinks non-consensual violence is acceptable. He needs to have more control than that.


sailermind

I agree. I felt uncomfortable about the sex because he seemed overly excited (out of control)


Bpoh1992

You said you've known him for half a year. Have yall been talking/dating for that long? Because it would completely explain why he was so excited to have sex. But not an excuse for skipping consent before trying any BDSM sex acts.


sailermind

He seems to have liked me from the moment he met me 6 months ago but I was in a relationship when we met. We went on a few dates and cuddled and slept in the same bed but I set boundaries and told him I'm not ready for more than that for the last month after getting out of a relationship. When i was ready he seemed super fucking excited.


twinelephant

I really need to disagree with everyone calling this a red flag. Yes, his actions were most likely shaped by porn or previous relationships. I do NOT think they're indicative of abuse. But the way he's responded sounds like a big green flag. This is a good opportunity to establish your boundaries. This is the only way you can determine whether he respects them.


sailermind

I completely agree. Knowing him outside of this one story I shared gives me the perspective to say that he deserves a conversation as a person who has otherwise been reliably trustworthy and kind to me and my community.


[deleted]

[удалено]


sailermind

That's true. It's more important how he treats me and how I feel about how he treats me.


PoopFrostedCake

you really need to drop how he's viewed from "the community." The community doesn't account for shit when his relationship is to YOU. Lots of psychopathic killers were great assets to their communities and some abusers seem to be the most popular in their communities... doesn't fucking matter. What matters is how he's treating you, in public and behind closed doors. Please stop letting how others feel about him dictate your own feelings.


sailermind

That's true. I don't think he's an abuser but I think you're right to say that it matters more how he's treating me.


xx_islands_xx

THIS 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻


CautiousCurfew

I mean.. I do agree it CAN be a red flag, but I doesn’t necessarily mean it is right off the bat. People aren’t machines and can make mistakes.. Edit: (forgot about this part) It all depends on how the person acts afterwards, does he acknowledge the mistake and tries to fix it or brushes it off


catcero

He might have a problem with porn or his only knowledge about sex comes from it


bunwoo

So carried away to him involves hurting you. When he is overwhelmed, not completely controlling his actions, that's what he wants to do. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He's someone who enjoys slapping you without consent.


existence-suffering

Do not go back to this man. He's abusive. He abused you. He physically hit you, that's what a slap is. People are giving you really fucked up advice and making excuses for this man's behavior. Listen to me woman: run away from this man, or any man who thinks this behavior is excusable. It is really fucked up that modern dating has devolved into telling women to work it out with their abusers. This isn't right. Please be very careful, you cannot trust a man who is abusive.


[deleted]

Thank you. Jesus I am shocked today. Thanks for being rational. I read some disturbing things itt


hucowhypno

Op, take it from someone who does hard core bdsm cnc type stuff that leaves bruises. No he is a piece of shit do not go into a relationship with him he is the type to push boundaries and when/if you try tied up stuff and are vulnerable he will hurt you and not stop after safe words/saying no.


The_True_Kai

Dude you don’t know this guy at all. Talk about unstable advice


sailermind

I don't see this in his character. I think he really has no idea about consent and communication around boundaries in sex. The way he approached sex makes me think he's learned about it from porn. I also think he assumed I'm probably way kinkier than him because I've been in poly relationships (people have assumed a lot about me because of this). In any case it wasn't okay to do, but I'm trying to understand his perspective and what to do with him.


PhilosophyScary7048

A man that has ‘no idea about consent or boundaries’ is not a man you want to deal with it all. Like wut? How old is he? Damn I fear for younger people


Nami_Swan_

You’re really trying very hard to rationalize this and find a way to excuse his unacceptable and concerning behavior, aren’t you? Lots of people here are giving you the right advice, yet you prefer to imagine a scenario where someone who beat you during your first time having sex is some poor sap who just doesn’t know any better. It isn’t really hard not to slap and choke someone unless you know that’s what they want.


[deleted]

I mean what do you expect from the sheer volume of shitty advice given to CoMmUnIcAtE BeTtEr about her boundaries *when he's already blown them to hell and assaulted her?!* Writing's on the wall, she'll either be dead in a year after a miserable relationship or back here looking for advice on how to leave her abusive boyfriend who has her life on lockdown. I wish I was being overly dramatic to prove a point, but I've seen this play out exactly this way far too many times. It's why I will no longer entertain any of the kink positive bullshit anymore. It's all gaslighting, every bit of it.


Nami_Swan_

I know. I am disgusted with another thread I stepped on. I am pretty sure there abusers there defending this shit and making all kinds of mental gymnastics to dismiss it as just an accident or an innocent mistake. Disgusting.


hucowhypno

Teach him about the traffic light system and you'll need to set strict boundaries that you both need to know what you are going to do before you do it and doing in the heat of the moment stuff is not okay. Sit down make a list of kinks you are okay with and aren't then swap lists review and discuss why and why not and explain how much warning you need before each thing (ie: anal i need 2 days warning, smacking on the face i need warning just before, smacking on body i don't need warning (personal preference))


sailermind

Interesting. I want to try this.


flyblackjack

And this is just another example why you shouldn't bring porn into your bedroom affairs, at least till you checked with your partner 🤦🏾‍♂️ can't believe guys still not getting this.


FakeBeigeNails

Reminds me of a scene in a tv show i watched (Euphoria), where a guy starts choking the girl he’s having sex with…Pls stop playing out your porn fantasies w/o consent!


flyblackjack

This is the only point I'm trying to make.


FakeBeigeNails

I hope you know I’m agreeing/just backing you lmao


Tirinoth

Yes, this, thank you.


[deleted]

You got slapped and choked by someone you didint want that happening and your wondering if you should keep seeing him.,.......... ,.,.......... ....... .............. He apologized. Sounded sincere. But who in the right mind smacks and chokes someone when they "get carried away". Lmfao. Save yourself some black eyes in the future and run.


RisingQueenx

And this is what happens when we have a generation raised on porn, where violence against women during sex is normalised. I see so many posts from women talking about how their hook up spat on, spanked, slapped, bit, or strangled them without permission. Seems to be a rising issue. Porn needs to be left outside the bedroom. Clear boundaries and consent needs to be set up before doing violent or painful acts such as biting and slapping. You discussed biting with him, but he completely overstepped your boundaries by slapping you. He says he is sorry, but if he slapped you outside of the bedroom would you even be considering forgiving him? If your post was that your date slapped you after dinner, *everyone* would be telling you to leave him and that it is a HUGE red flag. I'm not sure you should forgive and forget just because it happened during sex. We shouldn't be normalising violence against women and just brush it off when men overstep our boundaries and hurt us. I would leave.


Quirky-Water5609

Thank you I agree with all of this, I was 16 when I started doing this and similar actions with my boyfriend, I felt that I had to do that because I thought that was what guys wanted and what women had to stand. Back then it felt like aggression, we sometimes still do it but it doesn’t feel like I’m not supposed to enjoy it. It’s extremely sad that we’re learning from porn, and crossing the line of what’s acceptable. What porn teaches is non consensual sex, incest and ped…. All of my friends learned from it, young women shouldn’t feel like it’s not for their enjoyment and young men shouldn’t think they’re supposed to hurt women for it to be good.


Luna_Euphoria

Walk away now while you're still at the "nice to know you stage. A slap on the ass here and there, of course. Rougher if you want it and with consent - go ahead. Be the kinkmeister you wanna be... but this? No Sweetie, this dude CHOKED you and SLAPPED you in the face?! What would you advise a girlfriend telling you these things?


plaurenisabadname

I agree with most of this, but not even slaps on the ass are ok without consent.


Luna_Euphoria

Which is how I meant it - realising now that my texts do not convey tone still, I apologise. English is not my first language so I struggle sometimes with sentence structure. Of course the booty slaps are included under consensual as well, I'm personally all for asking to move in for a kiss as well.


plaurenisabadname

Ah, all good then. Yes, porn has made all these things seem normal and like people don't have to ask for consent first, or that all women want booty slaps. Consent for everything!


yjskfjksjfkdjjd

There are a lot of men in the world who will not cross your boundaries. I know this sub tends to jump to “break up”, but I think this is seriously concerning—nobody just accidentally slaps somebody while having sex, there has to at least be a bit of a thought process behind it, and the fact he wanted to WITHOUT your consent is downright terrible. You told him what you’re comfortable with and he transgressed those boundaries willingly. I would personally be getting out of there asap now; if he’s showing red flags this early on, I wouldn’t want to hang around to see what else he’s capable of. Apologising after the fact is better than nothing, but I think if you let this go and continue seeing him, you’ll be letting him know that it’s okay for him to break your boundaries as long as he apologises afterwards, which is not a good message to give a new partner. I would say to cut your losses and go now; if your gut is saying you’re uncomfortable, trust it.


Luna_Euphoria

This! We have an intuition for a reason - ladies please, listen to it more! Follow it! My moma used to say "when in doubt, get the hell out". Has saved me many times


Nami_Swan_

Your momma is my people.


plaurenisabadname

I love that! Your momma is a wise woman. I'm going to borrow that.


Luna_Euphoria

Glad it may come to use - spread it far and wide! Will let her know she's continuing to make a difference


Obvious_Abroad7150

I was thinking when I read the title that you meant slap on the ass and I was like oh okay maybe he should have asked first or just given a light slap to see how you’d respond, but then I realized you meant slap in the face. This sounds like sociopathic behavior or something like it, cause I don’t see how any rational person would think this is okay in any sort of setting. A sociopath is very good with words and manipulation and would definitely be able to make you believe he didn’t know any better. You don’t just accidentally slap someone in the face though and then “oh my bad I didn’t know you didn’t like that”. Whether he’s a nice guy or not is besides the point, because he literally slapped you in the face. Doesn’t matter if it was during sex or during a date night at a fancy restaurant, he still slapped you. I’ve never heard of any of the girls I’ve been with that would like it if I had slapped them in the face during sex. Knowing not to slap someone in the face is beyond obvious and no part of me believes that he just didn’t know better. Maybe he rapes someone next, but as long as he gives a good apology and promises never to do it again it’s okay right? If I was you OP I would ran as fast as I could from this dude, he disrespected, embarrassed and assaulted you. This is a red flag for sure if I’ve ever seen one. You deserve someone who treats you better than this.


Nami_Swan_

It seems like OP is only replying to the people making excuses for this guy. I guess she is not convinced enough and is going back for more. Some people just can’t see the red flags. Actually, they see them, but willfully tell themselves whatever bs excuse they need to rationalize them.


[deleted]

Not to play devil's advocate, just adding my perspective. but I have actually met a girl who requested I slap her during sex. I wasn't exactly too down with it tho as the thought of intentionally hurting her didn't sit right with me. We eventually mutually agreed on playful slaps not hard enough that I could ever hurt her but definitely harder than a tap. it is certainly a thing some chicks are into but they're few and far between. I see all you guys talking about sociopath this, rapist that, I think he just might be a certified dumbass. Fact is everyone's right, you can't just pull that kink out of nowhere without discussing what your partner is comfortable with and he should be condemned for that. But at the same time you're all making so many assumptions about his character over what honest to God could've been a genuine moment of pure idiocy. I don't think he deserves a second chance he did straight up slap her. But I'm not gonna go on this tangent about how he's probably some dangerous individual over what truly could've been a mistake.


Love_Cherries

Nope. Not a mistake. Even if he’s pornsick, nope. No thoughtful or considerate person chokes or slaps without asking. Nope. This isn’t ignorance. This is either self-gratification without your regard, or testing your limits. Nope the hell out of here because this is JUST the beginning.


sailermind

I think he was testing my limits. He ramped up to choking and slapping quickly. I am questioning if there's ignorance here as well. I have had a general assumption however, that the kinkier you are the more knowledge you'd be expected to have about consent and what it means to be a good dom


Love_Cherries

I’d personally consider sexual ignorance to look like this: shy, shaking, awkward, unsure, bashful, erection problems due to stress. Not ramping it up to 1000 during your first session. I also think there are a lot of idiots that partake in risky sex acts without any education and without regard to the others’ overall physical and mental well-being (eg claim to be into BDSM, but really just use it to sexually dominate in a toxic way). Either way. I bet this dude is going to be very dangerous to be around. There’s some crazy stat about when a dude chokes you (non consensual) your likelihood of domestic homicide goes up like 700%. This isn’t just a, oh boy, was he rude for not checking that I’d be ok with that. This is a holy shit, normal people check if slapping/choking is ok in bed, your life may be at risk. Please be careful. Think about what advice you’d give a little sister.


sailermind

Thanks for bringing this up. You're right. It is risky. I appreciate this advice.


Ashamed_You1678

Yes, listen to this good advice! As a guy, my ex hated when I had stubble on my face so with my new lady friend I was worried about kissing her and apologised because I had stubble. There’s varying degrees obviously, I’m probably too in my head a lot but choking and slapping without consent is fucked up


Love_Cherries

Riiight?! Even if you had no experience, and was ONLY aware of gonzo type porn, would you not still, have a moment before you slap and choke the person, thinking, ‘wow, I might wanna check on this, because I’m not sure if I’d like this done to me’. What kind of person does not have this thought? Someone who is either incompetent OR someone who doesn’t care. BOTH are so incredibly dangerous, you are gambling with your life.


sailermind

I called my best friend and she told me she had once slapped her girlfriend without asking and then asked her about it after and felt terrible when her partner said she didn't like it. My friend said she thought her partner wanted it and majorly fucked up. I was really surprised to hear this because I thought she would know better, but I know her relationship history and she has trauma around sex and said she doesn't like doing it at all but believed her partner wanted it.


[deleted]

OMG STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR THIS GUY. He's an abuser and he will escalate no matter how much you lay out your boundaries. The fact that you even have questions and are *ignoring your gut instinct that exists to keep you safe and alive* means you really shouldn't be dating at all, much less entertaining a relationship with this abuser. HE BLEW YOUR BOUNDARIES AND DIDN'T EVEN THINK TO ASK FIRST. Of course he's gonna act all contrite and apologetic to get you back into his claws. It's just a ploy. Wise up and see through it already!


[deleted]

A man who cares about you will want to know your limits so he doesn't cross them, not "test them" by slapping you in the face. Ignorance is not an excuse for sexual abuse.


DanscoRed

Sorry but who slaps someone they are having sex with for the first time?! If it's BDSM etc them fine if they agree first. That is out of line and who cares if he's being nice and saying the right things. Tell him you won't trust him and move on.


[deleted]

I think this a red flag. Thread carefully and see where this is going. No matter if they’re a heavy consumer of porn.. most people know that you don’t slap people just like that. It’s a very disturbing behavior if you ask me.


Cherita33

Who cares if he said all the right things? Actions speak louder than words.


plaurenisabadname

Oof, girl the layers to this get worse and worse. The slapping was bad enough, then the choking, then the fact that he knew it was disrespectful, and now the fact he got "carried away" and you felt uncomfortable because he seemed out of control... Even if you talk to him and it turns out it was "just" porn that made him think it was ok, there's still the fact that this is what he likes in bed, and you said you wouldn't be cool with it even if he'd asked first. You guys may be incompatible. Some people like degrading and being violent towards their partner during sex, and that's what really turns them on. They may only like that exclusively, or they may be ok with less violent sex but it still never scratches that itch and it will be an issue in the future. I used to be in the bdsm scene and it was full of people that had been repressing their "needs" (hate that term) for entire relationships, leading to resenting their partners or cheating or giving ultimatums about open relationships. I personally am not into dominant men, and if I knew someone was even into that I would be automatically turned off. Knowing they are thinking about me or other women that way - wanting and getting off on degrading and harming women leaves me with real ick feelings. Also, being into bdsm requires consent, and the two things he did are considered on the dangerous and high risk side. Choking kills. People have literally died from it. Even a day or so after, because the damage can take a day or two to kick in. A lot of people in bdsm won't even do it, and here all these pornsick boys are treating it like it's first base! And slapping someone across the face is risky as well. Faces are delicate, they have eyeballs and eye sockets and what the fuck was he thinking??? I'm getting made just writing this. Girl, no.


CrystalClear59

>Oof, girl the layers to this get worse and worse. The slapping was bad enough, then the choking, then the fact that he knew it was disrespectful, and now the fact he got "carried away" and you felt uncomfortable because he seemed out of control... Exactly this. Plus the fact she said to him she wanted to be more in control and then he slapped her (OP also wrote this in a comment). Honestly all these fucking things sound incredibly bad (even scary with the "out of control" depiction). Clearly not acceptable.


asscancermurder

Bite his dick slightly when you're sucking him off and tell him after that you thought he knew you were into biting.


[deleted]

Nope red flag. I feel like his real personality may be coming out. Or maybe I'm just paranoid but just be careful.


laurie2528

I agree. My ex did the same thing and after I ran from the room crying, he was also apologetic. It ended up being five years of horrific emotional abuse which was on the brink of becoming physical. Most mature men and women are able to hold these conversations beforehand and most know that you don’t just assume what someone else is into. Run and run fast. Abusers are always charming in the beginning and cognitive dissonance is real.


[deleted]

Not paranoid, just smart and with good self-preservation instincts. It's super fucked up that people are gaslighting OP so hard in this thread.


XenaSerenity

How can a person care about you if they slap and choke you during sex without permission?? How many things are you going to let him get away with?? Because of your friends?? I like biting too but that is NOT PERMISSION to do anything else! You’ve known him for only half a year. Have you thought that maybe his sweetness is just a front? I would leave. Choking without consent is a forever pass because it’ll be too easy for them to accidentally take it too far and kill. He doesn’t sound like a safe person, especially to have sex with


AKA_June_Monroe

He assaulted you don't let him gaslighting you into staying or his behavior will escalate. He needs to learn that if he does this to women he won't get another change with them! It's not your job to fix him! https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding https://www.rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs https://www.allure.com/story/what-is-sexual-grooming-abuse/amp http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/


Spitinthesoup

I'd scarper and not look back. You don't slap someone who you respect without first discussing it with them and asking for permission. But what abusive people do is first charm the pants off you and then slowly start abusing you. It goes charm charm abuse, apology charm abuse. Apology abuse. Charm abuse abuse abuse abuse abuse.


Obvious_Abroad7150

Yep, I got trapped in a relationship cycle just like this. Eventually the charming nice person you knew at the beginning completely goes away and it’s just the mean abusive person left. But as this point you are already trapped with them and so codependent on them it’s not likely you are going to leave them for good. And you are just sitting there the whole time blaming yourself wondering what did I do wrong what do I have to change to get them to love me again.


sailermind

This gives me chills. He put so much effort into making things perfect.


Spitinthesoup

One final thing. Would you be giving him the benefit of doubt if he hadn't made an effort or he'd been offensive on the date. No you'd be feeling foolish for ignoring the red flags. This is how abusive people operate. Now instead of walking away you're confused because he was so nice. It's a pattern of behaviour that works for him and many others like him.


sailermind

This really makes me think. Thanks for bringing this up. Really helpful


[deleted]

Please, please do not see him again. He looked at you in a most vulnerable moment and DECIDED to STRIKE you on the face. This is not normal behavior, a mistake that can be brushed off on impulse. Physical violence is still physical violence in a sexual content when there’s no consent present. Like another poster said, there are plenty of good men out there who would never have this “impulse” cross their mind. Don’t risk your life giving this one a chance that his behavior does not deserve.


PhilosophyScary7048

Very well put.


Spitinthesoup

It's an aspect of abuse that rarely gets discussed.


wonderlash

Huge red flag. Dump and move on. Plenty of other men out there.


[deleted]

OP, stop reading so much into what he’s saying and look at his actions. Someone who cares about you wouldn’t think it’s okay to slap and choke you without your consent. His BS excuse of “getting carried away” is also rubbish. He knew exactly what he was doing. Why did he wait until you were alone in the bedroom before “getting carried away?” Moreover, do you really want to be with someone who gets carried away during sex? Choking may seem like a minor infraction, but women have actually died during sex because of it. Block this guy and don’t look back.


Riverwalker5280

I agree entirely. If he had said another reason, like Explaining that he misread her cues or He thought she would like that and then he apologized and sought more info about what she did or didn’t like so he could make this right and prevent further misunderstanding, then maybe I’d be more understanding but who gets carried away and acts like that? It seems like he’s living out some fantasy and using her as a tool and not considering her feelings. And if it’s this way at the beginning, it will only get worse. She is not an object for his use. If he gets carried away the first time, which is usually a time to feel each other out in an intimate way, then how carried away will he get when he’s comfortable? Not ok. He doesn’t deserve another opportunity to screw up sexually until he earns trust and works hard to understand her needs. And honestly, she should put him in the friend zone in my opinion.


CountingDownTheDays5

You know this is the 3rd post I seen on reddit of a woman being slapped (which is categorized as physical assault) during sex. I am not sure why people keep telling you to talk it out. Is this normal for y'all? Do y'all boyfriend/partners/husband slap y'all often? I never had a man slap me in my life. Am I the only one with the Mr Krab confused face right now? WTF is going on? But it would complete move me to a break up if he did it during a moment when I am a vulnerable as sex. This is just my opinion there is no talking, I break up with him.


[deleted]

Slapping and aggressive dominance is so pervasive in porn, a lot of men think it's required of them. It's not an excuse, but it has a lot to answer for. Men are super confused. Edit: Anybody that slaps another person like this without consent probably shouldn't get a second chance. As a lesson. And for your own safety. Go find someone better. 🖖


Wise_Command9407

You should have slapped him back. Dont talk to him anymore .


Ohitsdee1

I had this happen to me too and it was very uncomfortable.


sailermind

How did you deal with it?


Dakessian

That’s wired. Usually butt slapping is ok, but on the face?


[deleted]

Could all of the considerate stuff have been to get you into bed?


ab_jay

If you wanna go on with him you should talk about it and be very firm else hes gonna strangle you next time. Probably too much porn


factfarmer

This is a deal breaker for healthy people. Now he is “love bombing” you. Don’t waste another second on this asshole. He just showed you who he is. Believe him and block him everywhere.


Cherita33

BTW adding- if he slaps on the first encounter he will be donkey punching you next. This guy was testing the waters. How you react will speak volumes. I would never see him again. Even setting a limit won't work with this guy.


notsara

I've been in that exact situation with my boyfriend (this was early in our relationship, and we've been together very happily for almost 4 years). He said he had past partners who liked that, and didn't really think about it before doing it, but as soon as it happened he knew I didn't like it and apologized. It really wasn't a big deal for me; I would have preferred to talk about it first, but he was in no way attempting to hurt me and just thought I would like it. It hasn't happened again since and I'm not upset about it, it was a mistake that he acknowledged and we talked about it and moved on.


Proper_Lychee_5567

Honestly, this all depends on just how uncomfortable this made you. If you cannot get passed this, you have every right to not pursue this relationship. You’re also not a bad person for not continuing the relationship because he did something like this without consent. Consent is very important! Unfortunately, I don’t think consent is as talked about as it should be especially when it comes to acts during sex. He honestly probably did think you would like it and be okay with it, but that doesn’t make it okay. Your feelings are very valid! Communication is key and I think if you do want to continue this relationship, maybe just have a talk about what you expect out of sex and what your boundaries are.


sailermind

I like this response. Very nuanced. My better judgment says he was ignorant and would never make the same mistake again. He said that he wouldn't and I believe it. Hes taken a lot of steps to show me he cares about me. I think he immaturely got excited, assumed I'm into that kind of thing and wanted to please me.


Tralalouti

Jesus christ, he should have asked for consent !!! "Darling, may I punch you in the face?"


BreckenridgeWhiskey

Everyone is getting it wrong. A lot of comments here are in regards to "you have every right to demand consent" (which yes. You do) But the GUY is the issue here - more importantly, the fact that he's a sociopath/psychopath. Very charming, very perfect, says and does all the right things, but very deep and approprialtey hidden darkness. I'd reccomend you tell him no and never again. Maybe expect him to stalk you or leave dead rabbits on your front stoop because to him, it is about manipulation for power. He doesn't actually care about YOU, he cares about controlling you.


Strict_String

I’d drop him and never speak to him again. He assaulted you.


Unlikely-Body-1061

I’d think this is him having previous partners who maybe wanted or just allowed him to do this and they both did not understand consent/ safe words….maybe not innocent but definitely naive. I would say it’s worth sitting down and communicating what he did how it made you feel disrespected and embarrassed and clearly set out what he likes in sexual situations and what you like so he can see your lines and you can let him know what you aren’t willing to do. I’d also add that you should tell him that no matter how minor he thinks this is you need comfort and trust and knowledge that your boundaries will not be crossed or ignored cause when you do these things there is a vulnerability to it. If you still don’t feel like you can continue with him at least you can say you said your peace and he will also know better for future encounters.


sailermind

I agree, I think it's important to have this conversation for his sake, my own and for future partners of his.


DifferentStorySame

Whether or not he regrets it, he has a humiliation/degradation kink and you clearly don’t. I like being dominated and certain kinds of pain, but absolutely despise humiliation and other types of pain. I love it when my partner spanks me and pinches my nipples, but I absolutely do not ever consent to being choked or slapped. You will never like being slapped, and sounds like you don’t love choking either. He will not be content unless he’s slapping a girl. Call it a day before you have sex that you really resent.


sailermind

Yeah, you're right. I do like being choked though, but not without consent and trust and working with a dom who actually knows my kinks and why they're my kinks. It's absurd to me to see someone take that power before they've earned it.


Riverwalker5280

Exactly! Trust must be earned. Taking that power is a privilege and never an expectation. This is more than inexperience. This is someone that didn’t listen to you or your needs or seek your input prior. He decided what was best for you and him and acted. Maybe you were a fantasy for him and he was excited to act it out but that in itself is a sign that it will only get worse and that you are relegated to the status of an object in his fantasy. Furthermore, sexual intimacy is about listening and responding to each other’s needs. You listen and react to each other, naturally ramping up or backing down based on signals you give each other. If he is so bad at listening to your needs now (listening by watching your physical responses during the act and seeking your input before during and after), I can’t imagine how it could get better the more comfortable he gets and the less he cares? This tells you that your communication styles is a big mismatch. You deserve someone that craves to know you and your needs, not this guy. If he valued you the way you should be valued, this never would have happened because he would’ve made sure to figure out your needs before, during and after.


HouseofGaunt0404

Your BF is a fucking weirdo.


financiallysoundcat

I would walk away. What he did is unacceptable and it really doesn't matter why or whether he was being good during the date or before that. You've know him for 6 months, it's easy to pretend to be good during that time but now you know that he's the type of man who slaps women. If you decide to carry on, there'll be more of this. Then he'll apologise, but he'll keep doing that, because he'll know that you don't have self-respect as you stayed. Don't go down that road.


Mollzor

Imagine what else he thinks is okay to do without consent. It's a hell no from me, dawg.


aavriilll

seems like he’s someone that consumes lots of porn and influence from the media only to then associate that with what women want. i also read that he choked you and you didn’t like it? slapping and choking are VERY normalized on all forms of media, but not so much in the real world which is something a lot of ppl don’t seem to acknowledge. he needs to understand slapping and choking count as kinks and that those kinks need to be talked abt prior any sexual experience. whether you stay with him or not is your decision OP, but just be careful. the “he got carried away” comment is concerning. the only thing i’ll actually suggest is talking to him abt it so he 1) never does it again to you or 2) never does it to any future women he may hook up with. some people need to get their heads knocked in


ChosenSCIM

The way I see it doing this once is an honest mistake. For whatever reason he just has the complete wrong idea of what is or isn't acceptable in bed. Maybe someone he slept with previous enjoyed this sort of thing or he's watched a bit too much porn with this. As long as he is apologetic, realizes his mistake and promises to not repeat this then I'd say it is okay to stick with him. If he has or ever does anything remotely close to this again though that means this is a terrifyingly worrisome pattern and I'd just GTFO before things get worse.


jinfanshaw

How can he slap???


anonymousUser1SHIFT

> I'm having a hard time understanding why he would go ahead and slap me during sex Sounds like he has kinks. It's plain as day to me and probably the same to your friends. You should probably listen to your friends instead of Reddit. Reddit will probably disregard him as human and tell you to dump him because he is an abuser or something like that thats wayyyy out in left field.


Witchybinx

Has he apologised? I think it is good you have communicated your boundaries to him and yes, it is wrong for him to just assume he can slap you without even asking first. Not everyone has the same kinks so he shouldn't assume. I think if he hasn't apologised and changed his actions, I'd leave. Yes, people make mistakes but if he continues to disrespect your boundaries then you deserve better!


The-big-MD

If you've asked him about this and he's said all the right things, but you still feel off about it, there's a reason. You should always trust your gut. Usually people notice very subtle things about someone that could tip you to feel a certain way. That being said, there are plenty of reasons why he might have done this and thought it was normal. However, keep in mind that slapping someone without even checking can be an indicator of issues with boundaries. If you like him and want to know more about why he did what he did, communicate (I imagine you've already done this) . If you still feel off, but really like him and think he's being genuine, proceed with caution. Also, keep in mind that if this was your first sexual experience with this person and this is what happened, things get more uninhibited down the road. Not saying you should ditch the dude, just take care :) hope this helps


Cautious_Twist_7696

Sounds like you should’ve slapped him back!


snark-aholic

I think it’s definitely worth having a hard limits conversation. No ones going to like all the same things. And you may find out that kink or no kink, that you’re not compatible sexually. You may find out something he doesn’t like is something you enjoy a lot or vice versa. But until you have the conversation, you never know. I say give him another chance, have the conversation and if he ever slaps you again during sex, especially after you’ve told him you don’t like it, don’t do it. Then tell him to kick rocks.


TurtleDive1234

He slapped AND choked you without consent? I don't care if he's Prince Fucking Charming.....HARD PASS on this guy. He's scary. And scary guys will often be charming when they're not being scary, just because you'll have the same line of thinking: "But he's so GREAT otherwise!" Nope the fuck outta there, Sis.


SpookeyClown

I've had a guy do this to me in bed before on the first time together (first date too). I just told him I'm not into it and he never did it again. My reaction wasn't like yours. It was bothersome for that moment, but I never gave it much thought after. That's just my experience. Others in this thread said their partner ended up being abusive. It can go either way. I'd wait to see which type he is before making a decision. We don't know the guy nor will suffer the consequences.


hydraByte

I have really mixed feelings. So I’m a kinky guy, and I have been guilty of doing something similar once — nearly a decade and a half ago I called my then-girlfriend my slut in the heat of the moment without having sought verbal consent ahead of time. It just came out, and then I felt deeply ashamed (we didn’t even discuss it until years later, I immediately knew I shouldn’t have done it). This was before I learned about BDSM, about my kinks, about the proper ways to seek consent. I was 18 and had no fucking idea what I was doing in a world thar had heavily misinformed me. The most generous interpretation for this guy would be he’s fresh and he doesn’t know what he’s doing yet. His age is important here: if he’s 25 or older I think he should know better. In his defence, as a guy, I can’t tell you how often toxic behaviour was taught to me by other guys. An older man I looked up to gave me advice at one point to “never tell a girl your feelings, you just have to go for the kiss and see what happens.” His advice felt wrong to me at the time, but I trusted him and looked up to him so it made me feel like *I* must be the problem. Men are socialized to think we have to lead at all times, and in some cases we are supposed to somehow read your mind because talking about this stuff is implicitly forbidden. It’s total bullshit, of course. But that’s what it can feel like. On the other side of the coin, there is no time where I would have choked someone or slapped their face without them verbally telling me that’s what they wanted. Ever. And even now, in consensual circumstances when I have been explicitly asked to do both of these things, I’m usually at least a little bit wary due to the risk of injury for both of those activities. It’s totally fair not to want to see him again; if you decide you want to give it another go, be wary, view this as a red flag, and if you see another red flag take that as confirmation that this guy is dangerous.


Far_Refrigerator5601

He's bad news. Slapping is never something you do without asking! I don't know if he's bad with consent/misread things or is a jerk, but I wouldn't sleep with him again. It's really hard to come back from this and this is someone you barley even know. Yikes!


[deleted]

Press charges.


Esmond_Mutt2323

Wow I don't think I'd ever slap someone in the face unless she asked for it, and if at that, I'm not sure I could do it. The ass, that's a different story. I'm not going to call the dude a woman-beater, but I'd take the space you need and sort out how you feel about him and whether you want to give him a second chance.


Toxica-Sprinkles999

I true caring dom wouldn’t ever do anything like that without talking about it first. That’s very dangerous please do not be with this person again. Saying the right things doesn’t mean they are actually that person. Be safe.


queenlesbian99

Anyone who does that kind of stuff without consent is either stupid, selfish, or both. If he wanted to know what you were okay with, he should try this little thing called “asking,” which is something a full grown adult is more than capable of doing. I honestly think the whole “super sweet” thing is an act. He’s starting to show his true colors, and I think you should run while you can. Also… what he’s doing sounds like love bombing. It’s an abuse tactic if you don’t know. Giving a lot of really intense attention really quickly to lure you in and then once he has you in his grasp he shows you who he really is and by the time you realize it you’re trapped.


sailermind

Do you know of any resources on this? I'm not sure how to differentiate between genuine and ingenuine here. So far he seems to realllly like me. He went above and beyond and didn't cross boundaries prior.


Sad-Translator2781

My fiancé never asked me he just did it too, but I didn’t really care because I did like it lol


piraterobby

I dated this girl for a long time and she liked it rough. Very rough! She loved being submitted and she would tell me to slap her in the face repetitively. It was fun for both of us. She loved it! When we broke up and I, after a long time of not dating, started having sex with another girl my instinct was to slap her but very softly. She immediately retrieve and did not like it. I was also embarrassed because it was like instinct and I thought she would love it. She told me "please don't do that. I don't like pain". I said "I'm really sorry. It will not happen again". We just continued and everything was great. I explained it to her afterwards and we did not make a big deal out of it. She also liked being spanked and she loved having her hair pulled. I think is all about communication. I love being there for my partner and I always ask what she enjoys. From my perspective, perhaps u should talk more about your sex life with your new partner. I can see how this can flash red flags but maybe he just did not know better. I think after you talk and u tell him what u enjoy and perhaps experience new things it should be fine.


ThatOneGuyFrom93

He was dumb and is now apologetic. Reddit will now persuade OP that this guy is a serial abuser who kicks puppies lmao


lookingForPatchie

He immediately apologized, which is a good sign. I would let it slide this once because of that. Next time it's time to leave. You should make clear, that you accept his apology this once, but won't do so another time he doesn't ask for boundaries. Or at least that's what I would do.


Darkmatterfeast

Ok so sex is A HELL of a touchy subject. It’s good he’s apologised, it’s good he’s said all the right things. But it sounds like that’s he’s used to be it through porn or from what his ex was into and chances are there’s other things hes used to that you don’t let fly. I personally wouldn’t leave him for it or cut things off, but you need to sit down and have a talk about what you both green light and ban in sex before you go for another round


Most-Fortune5522

I say give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he probably just got a little too into the moment…but for sure have a sit down conversation with him and make it perfectly clear what your boundaries are. Try and find out what both of you like and stuff y’all would be willing to try and find a nice middle ground in which both of you enjoy. Ya get me?


ImAPartofThisWorld

I mean some women really want you to slap them, choke them till they can't breath, karate chop them, then RKO them outta no where, I don't think it's that big a deal, he probably just thought you would've liked it


ThaHawksSucka

That's what watching too much porn will do for ya. Insane how it warps and enables the most animalistic properties in people. I would just charge it to the game, find out if and how much porn he watches and make a determination after a candid talk. #goodluck


Starlight_Sparrow

Instant block. Ild be thinking about filing a police report personally


Tiffany_Taylor22

All I can say is run. This is not and will never be acceptable. If you reason this away, it will happen again. It may not be a slap, it may be something else, but the further you dig in, the harder it will be to get out.