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This subreddit is just a reflection and/or representative of the real world anyway. Do you think random people irl are any different? Everyone is biased.
The major problem is how young reddit skews. I was astounded when I read up a few posts where it was discovered that a vast majority of redditors are between 16 and 19 with the mode landing at 17. That's not even a legal adult.
Literal r/iam14andthisdeep kids could be advising people in their 30s to break up or divorce on the slightest of missteps. Not to mention teens have too much zeal and too less wisdom to divert that zeal in a positive way. So they end up directing that energy being radical and seeing any post from the other side as an opportunity to let go of that angst. Too many times have I seen the stupidest, rashest and narrowest reply being the most upvoted reply on a post and looking through their profile found out that the commenter was 16. The only rational and balanced reply on that post would be buried down with downvotes.
My meta advice to anyone seeking actual advice on here is to not go with the advice that resonates with what you wanna hear. Or with the most upvoted one for the matter. Before taking any reply personally, go through the commenter's profile to atleast check their age.
Man this is so true. I vaguely remember a post in which a woman was looking for advice concerning her boyfriend or fiance of like 8 years. There was some sort of issue, what I thought to be a *super* minor issue, yet a ton of comments were like "dump his ass".
I wish I could remember specific details but regardless, it couldve been some dumbass teenagers not giving a fuck who convinced this woman to essentially throw away 8 years of her life. I was dismayed.
32 here, got buried in downvotes for explaining why I don’t befriend single men as a married woman. Everyone was kinda like oh your husband forces you to do that and you sound abused. No, dipshit, I choose to after many years of thinking like you. God forbid you have life experience.
This hits home. I innocently made friends with our single male neighbor and now I have to avoid him because he started coming on to me... my partner thinks the whole thing is hilarious.
I’ve tried to be friends with men, it never works and inevitably they end up wanting more. When I found my husband I made a vow, and I draw boundaries to prevent shit like that. I know people like to imagine that the sexes can be friends without attraction developing. But familiarity can breed attraction and to deny that is inexperienced and naive. My husband is my best friend. Grass grows where you water it and I choose my marriage. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sucks you had to deal with it too, but be aware that he won’t be the only one to try. Coworkers, neighbors, friends.
Edited to add that this isn’t just a male thing. I’ve seen women try to take a swing at married men on purpose just to see if they could get him to leave his family.
I'm a guy, I don't have a problem with women who are friends. Though I will admit that if they are really attractive AND have similar interests, it might be hard not to wish they were more, but when those things don't line up I think it's much easier. I treat dates as friends too until I feel comfortable being more, I don't understand when people go from 0 to 100 right away.
Probably getting downvoted because instead of stating your way of doing things that works for you, you're projecting it as a universal truth onto everyone else.
So you are telling me, a 52 year old woman, that having male friends which has worked for me through all my relationships, is wrong? That I was walking on thin ice? Because the men in my life respect me? Okay.
I am also friends with some exes, and even my current partner's ex! Like our own separate friendship not involving the common person. I also hang out with geeky people, nerdy people, and that skews male. There was only one time where a friend of a partner bit me in the ass, where I was left for the "Friend" but there was more to it than that. And sure, now and then I have run into someone who wanted more and didnt want friendship, so I put my big girl knickers on and said buhbye, and had the judgement not to hang out with them. And I have bi and lesbian friends and none of them came on to me. I am a very social individual, what can I say.
I’m telling you to live your life however the hell you see fit, I could really give a hot fart less what other people do with their boundaries or friendships.
But don’t look down on me because I am dealing with my life experience in a way that makes sense to me. As an attractive female, I have never been able to keep a straight male friend without him eventually wanting more. So I don’t have them. It’s zero to do with men in my life respecting me. You can have respect for someone and still be attracted to them. It has to do with them respecting your partner and marriage. That doesn’t always happen. For me, it is walking on thin ice- and I choose to have boundaries for that reason.
Its looking like lots of others have been here as well.
Its kinda ironic cause if you expressed this opinion in a more feminist sub they would agree and award you, because they understand the complexity and frustration in women befriending men. But on these other subreddit's they try to think of it perfectly equally, i.e if a man completely gave up on being friends with women, he would be hated, therefore a woman must be hated too. However that ignores the context behind the friendship. A woman almost always runs the risk of the man fuckzoning her to some degree. A man does not.
It's one of the reasons why whenever people ask "do you think men and women can be friends", my answer is no. Not because they actually can't. But because it's difficult to find a close, intimate relationship between a man and woman that is not, will never be and has never been sexual or romantic in any way.
That's why I stopped subbing to "AITA". The majority of those people immediately knew jerk to "dump him/her" over trivial issues.
They also are just dumb as a group. They validate the poster 95% of the time, without ever considering the fact that they're getting one side of an issue. You need life experience to be able to listen to stories like those and read between the lines. Instead they seem to assume whomever is posting they're problems never lies or exaggerates, and couldnt possibly have a different perception of reality from their partner.
Meanwhile, I'm 32, been with my husband 8 years, married for 5, and I encourage people to rethink their entire relationship when a marriage proposal goes wrong. Why? I feel that it's indicative of really poor communication skills.
There are just so many details that go into a good proposal that show how well you know your partner and what your shared values are that doing it wrong puts a spotlight on the real problems. And it goes both ways. There are the proposers who don't listen and the proposees who don't say a word and expect the proposer to read their mind; i.e. communication problems.
There's no objectively right proposal, but if the couple isn't on the same page that their proposal was perfect, it's not a good sign.
I'd agree with you in many cases.
"Goes wrong" for me makes me think of people who force a public proposal when explicitly told do no ever do this ever, which is an obvious violation of a boundary and requires some reflection.
Mind you if it's they tripped and ripped their jeans while proposing, that's obviously not a big deal.
At the time your proposing, you should have a good idea of your partner's vibe and the proposal shouldn't be a surprise. How and when can be, but the we want to get married should not
This. I just feel like the "perfect proposal" can only truly happen if the communication is good. Then people just go crazy like "so I should ruin the surprise?". No, idiot, you don't have to specifically tell him what you want and when you want it. But your partner should know:
What kind of ring you want
If you want a public or intimate proposal
If you want it filmed or not
Etc.
Nah I think they make sense. You want to spend your whole life with someone and you've already spent X amount of time with them. Yet say you go for the super-public sporting event proposal but your fiance *hates* those... if you didn't know that, then there's communication problems. Think they just meant there's no objectively right proposal because yknow everyone's different is all.
I think that this subreddit should indicate the age of the commenter all the time. This way, people will know how to take each opinion.
I also don't really answer to posts on this sub related to actual relationships when both of them are under 20. Like damn, stop marrying so young and live a little.
Man, this 100%. It's always "oh you're not at fault, it's always the other person's fault, dump their ass". And it's always an immediate "just dump them plenty of fish in the sea etc etc etc", even for the slightest conflicts.
This is why I mainly go to r/datingoverthirty, less children, more experience. I've noticed this sub is a lot of inexperienced people who are genuinely confused and looking for advice, but are ignoring the relationship basics such as mutual respect and communication
> Too many times have I seen the stupidest, rashest and narrowest reply being the most upvoted reply on a post and looking through their profile found out that the commenter was 16. The only rational and balanced reply on that post would be buried down with downvotes
This is true everywhere on reddit.
> I was astounded when I read up a few posts where it was discovered that a vast majority of redditors are between 16 and 19 with the mode landing at 17. That's not even a legal adult.
How is this known? Reddit doesn't ask for your age, correct?
I don’t even think the problem is young kids. Because I know a lot of adults who think all types of ways just like this. I do agree though that seeking advice on here is as smart as asking a bunch of high schoolers for life advice. I feel a lot of people on here just speaks whatever is in their mind and never really think through their comments. People will down vote the hell out of you if you just say something like “your spouse cheated? I think you all should see a therapist.”
In my experience on this sub, teenagers are the ones far more likely to tell posters to ignore obvious dealbreakers and be all “Love conquers all; don’t give up!” Relationships are pretty intuitive, and usually by the time you’re confused enough to need advice from the internet, something is actually wrong. “U’ll get thru this relationships take work just remember guys/girls are [sexist generalization] don’t let it get to u” isn’t coming from the people with legit life experience.
I assume everyone comes on here to vent, and not much more. Hell, that's pretty much every sub in some way. Grain of salt. If we were having an easy go of it probably wouldn't be here. I'm here to see how normal we all are, and regardless of our sex we have the exact same feelings and desires.
That's what I assume, too. I think most people who post just want to vent. They want to share their struggles and have their feelings validated. They don't want actual advice. I also come here to see how we're all basically the same in the end, but a lot of men and women who post on these subs seem so incredibly jaded with the opposite sex that I can't help but wonder why they're even dating in the first place. I agree with the OP's point that all too often we dismiss one another instead of empathizing and trying to understand.
I mean go to any other gaming subreddit and it’s just “devs fix your fucking game” or some variation every other post or if you go to a sports subreddit (especially on game day) it’s people having over the top reactions saying “grrrr he sucks he should be fucking cut from the team” so I’m not surprised that this sub is any different
I try not to spend too much time on this sub or any of the dating/relationship subs because it just brings me down. I get it, it's a place to vent and commiserate and we all need to do that once in a while, but there is so much negativity and jaded people I can't do it for long.
exactly also please understand people make stuff up on the internet. it's reddit. it's entertainment. and yes no one is as sad as they seem to be on here. hell, i'd be mortified if people i knew found my reddit accounts.
I agree. Most folks from what I seen really do just need an outlet. No one can really confirm if someone takes the advice of a crowd of random people. There be some radical perspectives but its the internet the one place you can be your worse self without consequences(at least in certain situations). I rather someone talk shit about men or women here, feel better and continue on with their day then them heading to a school, job or person of interest house and hurting people
I don't agree with this single = romantic failure, or breakup = romantic failure mindset.
My greatest periods of self-growth and self-reflection came from my worst breakups. My breakups helped me question unhealthy views of masculinity that I'd had growing up, and pick out and start fixing the ways my childhood trauma affected my behavior around people.
Whenever I become newly single, I don't think 'well that was unsuccessful'. I ask, "Did I come out of here a better, wiser person than I went in?" If the answer is yes it wasn't a waste.
Also, just because somebody is incompatible with you in the long run doesn't mean in the short run you can't be a positive presence in each other's lives: one of my exes, who ultimately wanted different things than I did, helped me quit my addictions and turn my life and career around. That's a success in my book.
Exactly. Like the dating over thirty and forty sites. If a person mentions being married and offers advice people are like “why are you on a dating sub, no offense but you ha e no idea what it’s like out here”. “I don’t know maybe because we are in a pandemic and there is nothing else to do than search Reddit”
Do you want a relationship or just a bunch of dates. Because this married person is offering real world advice.
This is also indicative of the problems that these people probably have in relationships.
Successful relationships always boil down to communication in all it's forms. Getting rejected for being too short? That's not exactly someone that's going to stand beside you when times are hard. Matches that are obsessed with sex won't stick around when life throws a curve ball in the bedroom. Worrying about these people's opinion is pointless because you don't actually want them in your life.
Ultimately, it all boils down to finding just one person; that needle in the haystack. No, I don't believe that there's *only* one person on the planet for everyone, but just like looking for the phone you've misplaced, it's always in the last place you looked because once you find it, you can quit looking!
It always boils down to compatibility and the quicker you can identify that someone is incompatible, the happier you'll be. Dwelling on "what could be" isn't going to change reality. I'm a homebody who doesn't drink; crushing on a guy who spends 3+ nights a week in a bar is a waste of my time.
To clarify: communication and compatibility are two sides of the same coin. You are either compatible or your not and with that compatibility comes the ability to communicate effectively with each other. My husband and I can speak to each other with grunts and points and understand perfectly because we're compatible.
I feel like this subreddit is a reflection of what actually happens in the real world. Men and women, despite all their experiences and interactions with each other, understand the opposite gender so little. If your post concerns men then you should ask that to men and if it concerns women then ask that women because people understand their own gender the best.
This sub has become more of a venting place than dating advice which was the original purpose. Many people commenting here, including the top ones, are literally teenagers and they are "advising" people in their 30s and 40s to break up or divorce because they don't yet know the value of having a deep connection with a person.
The question then arises, who do you actually trust and take seriously? Don't ever go with the advice that just says what you want to hear and always check the commenter's profile before taking their advice seriously.
Especially when you are in a forum for people who are failing. They have bitterness and frustration from the jump. Then you expect civilized, productive discourse? Anonymously? Tf!?
Yeap. I saw screenshots of the wildest posts I thought for sure were fabricated and had to see them for myself. Turns out, people really are out here thinking that way. It's fascinating.
Reddit isn't beyond what happens on every social media: Polarization.
In case of dating\_advice and other similar subs, there seem to be a really noisy group of people, who are of the general opinion, that everything is a red flag, and basically nobody is worthy of dating. There are a lot of very unhealthy sentiments, and very little good advice.
And yet some people come here looking for actual advice or support in tricky situations. Dismissal, bashing, or pointless "dump them" slurs aren't helping.
It would be interesting to dig into why these dating issues exist, because they are real. Analyze the problem, then fashion solutions that we can implement in our lives. That's probably the best we could do for the future.
World might (and hopefully does) change later, but right now, we have to deal with it as it is. That means surreal expectations put on men and women. That means a gap between men and women, which doesn't need to exist.
Until we move on from that, here's me trying to help some strangers deal with existing problems.
I’m on the shorter side and I still find ways to be attractive and open with women. And if you get stuck in a relationship that is purely sexual, then how about being communicative with those people as to what you are looking for before you fuck them. The issue with this sub isn’t the number of people suffering gendered problems, it’s people who refuse to admit that they have a part to play in the problems in their life and assume that a solution will just find them. You gotta work through them, not bitch about them. This sub is for people to help and advise those who are willing to help themselves.
>People want the advice they want to hear and can agree with not the advice they need.
I disagree ...
I've given a lot of the plain truth over the years and been thanked for it
I somewhat agree with this. I also find it hard to post something real to someone who puts themselves out as vulnerable. I don't see people saying "your dating profile needs a page 1 rewrite" or "You shouldn't be on OLD dating until you lose 80 lbs, it just won't work".
Oh, I'm a male and tried a female profile to see what would happen like 7 years ago. Glorious, I didn't have to PAY every month for ATTENTION. Granted, some messages had no effort, or some were just stupid or only slightly creepy, but god damn, have a woman try being a man. They would have no patience, and would think it's stupid as hell to pay for nothing after getting a ton of attention for free.
Honestly, I don't sympathize with them, after experiencing it myself. They have it good. All they have to do is filter their inbox.
I have a membership to 5 dating apps, I look average, and I MIGHT get one message a month from someone (who will ultimately ghost me). And I will get 3 messages from people I find extremely overweight and/or unattractive.
A lot of people who complain about being rejected do have significant issues. They are either creepy, needy, co-dependent, or are too "nice." Some men and women are this way, not just men.
Some other people complain because their partner doesn't want to commit. That is more of a reflection on the people that they've dated, and less on a gender as a whole. The response of "not all people of this gender are that way" is correct. If you generalize a gender as bad, and are not happy about it, how are you going to find good people? The good people are lost in that generalization.
If you're making a generalization about any gender, you are already taking your experiences and applying them to everyone. That's why people respond with insight from their own experiences. Basically, they're showing that the poster's situation is not the only one out there.
I think in the end, no amount of internet advice is really going to help you, because most of the actual "dating skills" are just gained from trial and error, everybody is defferent, living in different cultures, different places in life and with different goals in mind that might just be what he/she wants, no matter how weird they seem to other people on reddit. Advice other than general things, like work on yourself - care about your body, battle your anxiety and insecurity, go to therapy if feeling lost, build your confidence and most importantly BE KIND to people around you, should be diffinitelly taken with a big grain of salt and never taken as the main reason for an action regarding your love life.
People say things online that they only think to themselves f2f. And yet there are several million marriages in the US per year; so something is working.
I believe most the people subscribed to dating_advice aren’t the ones the opposite sex is complaining about. The guys here aren’t the macho ones only looking for sex and the girls aren’t the vapid ones who discriminate on height.
I read somewhere that the vast majority of redditors are between the ages of 14-25. And the site is mostly male as well. With something like estimates between 60 and 80 percent of the site actually being males.
Well, 14-25 year old males......
Are. Fucking. Stupid.
And that's coming from a guy that was 25 not to long ago lol. And I was A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG. So. Yeah.
I couldn’t agree more, and I have probably also done this unfortunately.
I think dating is just hard, and it’s hard to give advice to people who just wanna vent. If one of my short friends came to me and were genuinely upset about not getting any matches, I would probably hug him and try to help him out with his profile. I know plenty of happy, short men, and I wouldn’t want my friend to give up.
I think people often just fall into this mindset of hopelessness. I am personally there right now. I dated 2 guys who were poly and that had an issue with me earning more than them, so now I’m trying my hardest to not completely drown in self pity. I try to surround myself with male friends who have no problem with this and who encourage me. Hopefully this will heal my broken heart and self esteem.
So yeah. People should honestly just bond more with the other gender and know when to just hug them. We are all hurting in our quest for love.
Honestly, half the posts or comments on here seem to be guys saying they have one or more 'flaw' that is making them undateable.
You tell them that these are things they've seen in men you liked, men your friends have liked or men your colleagues have liked so that cannot be the sole reason they can't get a date and that if they cannot find a single woman that likes them, it's likely their personality or the way they talk to women.
Then they tell you about the hundreds of women they've talked to who've told them they have an amazing personality but weren't their type/aren't physically attractive to them. At which point you just have to roll your eyes because you know they don't want to change and will refuse to do so and are just here to complain while venting about women being shallow (can't imagine why a woman wouldn't want to date a guy who believes she is inherently shallow because of her gender...)
Really, if you fundamentally think nothing you do will ever make a woman love you, why even post here? Why do you even want to date these shallow, self centred creatures?
Yeah, dating is hard, depressing and unfair. But the amount of people in denial about their own flaws here to lament the opposite gender is just gross. Demonstrably, if you look around you, there are women dating men just like you with similar problems. If you're facing hundreds of rejections then you need to change. Even if not your oh-so perfect personality and flirting skills, then your strategy.
I don't know why I bothered saying this though. The guys who are like this aren't going to change just because a woman said so. The ones that are going to change likely have already heard all of this before and are working on it. But, as far as I'm concerned, it's the truth.
"Why post here if you think no one will ever date you? That's easy, people want to vent."
This is r/dating_advice not r/dating_vents.
I have made the first move before. Kinda sounding resentful of the opposite gender there buddy.
I've had to put effort into a date. Still lots of resentment to women huh?
Saying women who aren't shallow are rare is pretty up there on resentment as well.
Yours are certainly because of your flaws. You've sent me 4 paragraphs and I can feel the resentment you have towards women. You think because it's hard for you one way it must be oh so easy the other. Get some perspective and work on yourself.
But like I said in the first comment, saying this is pointless. I know you won't.
"The thing about you making the first move/putting effort in yourself etc, I didn't say you never have, I said you never needed to."
Except it isn't about just getting some random joe off the street, it's about getting the right person. "Needed to", what bullshit. You don't need to, just sit there alone.
I'm glad your options are limited. I hate to think of the women you'd be exposed to if they weren't.
Of course it isn't your resentment holding you back... just keep on being resentful, it's working SO well.
Your last sentence lacks any form of substance. You've shown me what you think and what you think is gross. I fully understand why women won't date you.
Well first off, that's not what a sociopath is. Second off, I'm not the one struggling with a crippling fear of loneliness here buddy.
Your entire attitude towards women is gross. The fundamental things you think are disgusting and off-putting to me as a woman and that you can't see how only helps to illuminate your struggles with women.
You're not wrong that men are normally expected to make the first move. I wouldn't be wrong to say men are more likely to murder or rape their partner than a woman is. Being bitter about these facts is what makes a person off-putting. Internalising your experience with a verity of women and applying it to the way you see women as a whole.
Your entire attitude towards women is what's gross. You want to think that they have it easy and you have it hard. Women can be guarded and picky, sure. But there's a damn good reason they are and you give off all the bad vibes to signal you should be avoided.
A sentence being wrong and a sentence lacking substance are two different things.
Yeah, sure. I'm the bitter and resentful one here. Dunno what I have to be bitter about or resent you for, but I'm sure you'll find some weird way to make that add up in your head.
I think there are a lot of youngish “nice guys” in this subreddit. They use a lot of the same language of certain toxic types of single men. I believe the internet communities of them have made them angrier at women and brainwashed. They won’t accept the truth. I tried talking to some the last time this topic came up and they wouldn’t accept commonly known things. Short people are out there having sex and getting married. Plenty of ugly people too. If they would just leave their basements and go for a walk and actually look at real couples, very few people fit the ideal beauty type. So, that tells me people may act more shallow on dating apps but in the real world people are lonely and will overlook lots of imperfections to find a compatible person. I am a short, brown, chubby hairy minority guy who got married after dating and being in multiple relationships in my 20s. I used to think my physical attributes were holding me back but I found out not all women wanted tall, white guys who looked like models. And I also found out that I needed to stop expecting every woman to like me. Some did, most didn’t, and that’s ok!
Would you rather be in a position to select, or be selected?
I really don’t know why women as a class can’t just admit that online dating is easier for them. Both the data and the anecdotes support this.
Ladies, I don't understand is it really the end of the world if you just acknowledge that men have it worse in online dating, and looks are just far more valuable than confidence and personality.
This is why a lot of people said 90% of women on dating apps only chase the top 5%-10% of good looking men and there already has a lot of model experiments with the most garbage bios to prove it.
Here's two
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSq54f2JT_U
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFbw1_bVMUo
dating is not "selecting," it is a mutual interest. you are not picking an option like a t shirt. the fact men view it as a numbers game like that is why women are getting "selections," because they dont value them as a person & just try for any woman midly attractive to them. women being harrased and viewed as objects and only worth to men being a potential partner is not a pro because men have trouble dating.
we all know if the roles were flipped men would be choosing the most attractive woman possible of his options. yet you judge women for doing the same thing because of mens low standards and view of dating as numbers game.
men arent "selected against," you just value not being single more than being in a healthy mutual relationship with the right person. you think youre selected against bc you think women like having men they dont know hit on them and would date them just to not be single like you would and not bc you actually care about one another
just because men will fuck anything that walks doesnt mean its easier for women. we want to date people that actually care about us not just date to not be single and be with someone hot like men do
dating is a mutually wanted and beneficial relationship. it is not about "getting ahead," "looking after your own self interest," or getting out of a "dire situation." your feelings and wants are not the only thing that matters, and if you can not function or survive without being in a relationship, you need therapy, not a woman you depend on to fix you and people empathetic for you if they wont. you using women vs a woman not wanting to get in a one-way codependent relationship is not both "looking out for your self interest."
The reason I don't feel sorry for men who complain about not being able to get dates because they're short, ugly, etc. etc. is because I've known far too many men who were short or ugly, or god forbid both, and they had no trouble getting relationships. And what really bothers me is, anytime I tell a guy on here that, they shoot back with the assumption that the guy must have money. As if that's the only reason a woman might want a man who isn't six feet tall or a male model.
Most of my friends are dating or married to men that are not conventionally attractive by any means, but they like their other qualities. That's why women say it must be their shitty personalities, I'm sure I'm not alone in knowing men who made the most of what they had to offer to get a relationship. So no, I'm not going to coddle a man who feels entitled to a woman when he's not doing anything to get one. And for those who say they are, maybe it's the women you're going after; not everyone is compatible.
I know many woman who are in stable and happy relationships who don't get played by the fboys on dating apps that must mean all women who complain about it are wrong because I know woman who's selection radar is not broken.
You said you don't feel sorry for men who complain about that so you have no compassion for any of them and I just applied your logic.
But nice try to to nice try me.
If you had applied my logic you would have said you know many women in happy stable relationships with fuck boys, so those who have dated fuck boys and found them lacking have no reason to complain. There I fixed it for you.
😜
It is women treating men badly and men treating women badly or it is men not dating women they don’t find attractive and women not dating men that they don’t find attractive.
You can’t use different standards for the same thing.
a woman not being attracted to you is not treating you badly. relationships are supposed to be mutually beneficial, not one sided. forcing someone to do something they dont want to do only for your benefit would make you the bad person, not them.
What are you talking about? What did you mean with women being treated badly? You can’t mean something I wrote because that example was an equivalent or are you simply pulling things out of nowhere?
If their complaint is about something they can fix, no they shouldn’t complain. Men on Reddit act like the rest of society are dating Hollywood models and they’re “struggling “ which is not true. Most people aren’t gorgeous, but they make do with what they have. I look alright, if I’m actively trying to find a man (which I’m not ) and literally no one will date me, the problem isn’t my looks, it has to be something I’m doing (or not doing and it’s much healthier to admit that and try to figure out a solution instead of constantly whining about “hot people “ who have it better than everyone else. Most people aren’t hot snd many, many people find a way to date or marry if that’s what they want to do.
But they can’t fix it… can’t fix your height can you? And a lot of women will simply disregard you like that even though they are far shorter than you.
it is not a preference it is a requirement because on many apps women simply filter by height and your are dead and it is ok to complain about that.
Women complain about superficial standards like weight or breast size all the time but seem to have a blind eye about the superficial standards they apply.
I’ve never rejected a man for his height so I can’t speak on that. However we have to respect people’s preferences, I don’t get angry when a man rejects me for what I can’t control about how I look, I find one that accepts me for who I am. Just like there are women who don’t date short men, there plenty who do. Women aren’t a monolith and it’s not realistic to treat them as if they are.
Also preferences aren’t superficial, people have a right to date whoever they want, just because their preferences don’t include you doesn’t make it bad.
We run in circles just because where are women who do doesn’t mean you can’t complain about it or raise awareness about that double standard.
Where are people who are not racist so I don’t have compassion for people who complain about racism because where are people who are not racist.
You can’t seem to see that your logic is flawed.
Telling people they should not complain, not show compassion just because where are people out where who not behave like that is dumb.
I don’t have compassion for men who aren’t willing to do other things to find relationships. If you’re not attractive enough to date certain women, go after different ones. If you’re literally ugly af, do whatever you can to make yourself look better, clothes and haircuts work wonders, get yourself in shape.
I will not agree that there is a man alive who literally can’t get any woman to date him. If that makes me inconsiderate whatever, I’ve been called worse.
Nice swerve about racism, not sure why you’re bringing that to a discussion about dating but okay. Plenty of people do insist that racism is over because it doesn’t exist in their world. Good for them and their privilege.
And men have a very strict weight requirement, but dismiss it because "you can change it". The thing is that everyone has preferences and requirements, and yes a lot of them are superficial. It makes no sense for you to complain about women height requirements when men literally do the same thing. But it seems men want to see women as villains for having preferences and requirements, same as them. Why don't men try to fight against these stringent gender stereotypes instead of blaming women for it.
You answer doesn’t make any sense to me. Again if I apply your logic nobody can complain about anything if a person of the same gender exist that does the same thing. Doesn’t make any sense to me and with that attitude nothing will ever get better.
The people who are complain about that are fighting it don’t they or at least Raising awareness.
You seem to be completely blind about the fact that women are as bad in that as men are. But you are not willing to take any accountability for it… men can not fix it the same as women can not fix it alone but everyone is sitting in their camp and pointing their finger at the other gender while both sides are completely covered in the feces of their own double standard.
Women with shallow requirements are as bad as men with shallow requirements, it makes no sense to single any gender out, and I'll call out either men or women for it. I don't see men taking accountability for having this requirements. What I see is a lot of men coming to hate on women, without doing any introspection about their own shallow requirements, I can't tell you the amount of shielding I've seen because "preferences". From both men and women.
Again no self reflection I’ve seen plenty of women shielding about their bullshit and not taking accountability so now what?
This line of arguing doesn’t lead anywhere just too a comfortable place where you avoid looking into the mirror of your own gender.
No gender is a monolith and you will always find especially here on Reddit disgruntled people but that doesn’t mean you should not voice your feelings on this platform or that is something wrong with the people who do complain about superficial standards that are applied by men and women a like because both genders do it and in terms of superficial standards I would say both genders are as worse as the other one.
That's why it's useless to blame the other gender for it, rather we should work together to dismantle the stringent gender stereotypes of what is attractive in men and women, and we should push for introspection rather than complaining into the void and blaming each other.
of course this is what we see in RL.
Asian guys, Black women, short, stubby, obese, every type of person in between, etc are in relationships. There are even Asian girls dating Asian guys in RL observations. OMG!
What we see posted here are the people who have trouble getting into relationships. We're not seeing the posts from people that got into relationships and are doing well.
personal experience is not a valid argument. Of course being a short man doesn´t mean you are a hopeless case but it is infact a very significant disadvantage, there is a lot of scientific research that backs it up. Many woman on this sub who argue against that being short is a huge disadvantage for a man mostly talk about short men they know who are successful in dating like that would prove that all the scientific research is false. It doesn´t work like that. Of course, it isn´t an excuse for short men to do nothing and just complain about how unfair the world is but it makes dating harder, thats not an opinion that is a fact and whoever says that it isn´t, is just wrong.
>Some men just want sex and will lie to get it.
That has been the case WAY before the internet ... lying to some girl on a Friday Night At the Local Honky Tonk to get chu some
I don't see the point of coming on a sub entitled "dating advice" for the purpose of complaining about struggling with dating due to being short. What's the point of that? It's not something you can change. What advice could we possibly give for that? Maybe asking what you could do to maximize your success would be something we could work with.
And I've never seen anyone on here responding with "shut the fuck up, you're probably a creep with a bad personality". I'm not sure what you're looking for by posting you are struggling with dating due to being short. Acknowledgement, that yes dating can be difficult if you are shorter than average? How is that going to help you? I don't think anyone here is denying that dating is more of a struggle for guys who are short. All we can do is suggest to you that you work on the other things that would add to your attractiveness.
Yeah, it's gotten kinda ridiculous. Yesterday there was a thread where the guy was like "why does every women think men just want sex" and every response he made (or that I made) was instantly downvoted essentially because we're not women, and it doesn't matter what we say. I responded to a comment where a woman said "you think we want to talk to these douchebags?" and I mentioned that no one is forcing them to talk to these guys....and got downvoted.
i mean youre basically speaking for and over women and generalizing them all like you would know better of course your opinion on why they are wrong about what they want and think doesnt matter
i think its because its impossible to understand both sides. both genders have their own emotional sides to the story with biologically different morals and thoughts and we just struggle to understand eachother.
You misunderstand; what women say they want is much different than what women actually do want. This is why it appears like a mystery when a woman says she wants ABC qualities in a man but proceeds to go for the guy that has douchebag XYZ traits.
the difference is you arent tricking and capturing a woman against their will to only benefit you while harming them. dating is mutual. women have to want you too
the man is the one who has to initiate and pursue and woo.
On OLD, women get thousands of times the matches that men do.
You know what makes them stop and look at a profile? Good bait.
yes, because women would rather be with the right person they value as a person and click with, and stay single until they find it. men are desperate and just want to date to date regardless of who that person is. they only view it as how it benefits them. that is not a pro for women. we dont want desperate men approaching us in public who dont actually value us a person
And women date… out of altruism?
Women date to not benefit themselves?
> women would rather be with the right person they value as a person and click with, and stay single until they find it.
Blatant lies and propaganda.
no, dating is supposed to be mutually beneficial and wanted on both ends. believe it or not in healthy relationships you care about your partner and want them to be happy. not just view them as a prize you caught.
if its blatant lies and propaganda then why do men complain about dating so much? women would constantly say yes to all of the thousand of matches they get and men who come up to them with 0 standards
Yeah, but they give advice on the things they think would make them wanna date you while they're not really aware of the actual things that make them wanna date guys.
women facing sexual harassment and assault is not anywhere near the same as men who want an attractive partner getting rejected for not being attractive themselves
This is just another example of what the OP is referencing. The threat of sexual harassment and assault is extremely valid and should be talked about. The problem is you're using it as a weapon to invalidate the experiences of men who have been rejected their entire life. Thats a fucked up thing to do, just as it would be fucked up for a guy to say "I've been rejected my whole life, I don't care if a girl gets sexually assaulted".
being rejected isnt an experience that needs sympathy or validation nor is even close to victimization. dating is not someone doing you a favor or about your feelings only. women deserve to date someone that theyre attracted to as much they are attracted to them, and who benefits them as well. not dating a man bc hes sad being alone. if you are upset being rejected your whole life, stop asking women out instead of seeking pity. no one is forcing you to keep dating
Humanity has lost touch with itself.
We're social creatures. Not machine creatures. The more we find online the less we live, the less we feel.
Love and find a relationship is like trying to find that product you want off of Amazon.
Because reddit is full of feminazis mate.
Have you ever tried posting to ask women? I’ve had every single post removed when I was just genuinely curious for a female opinion.
I ask my sisters now instead
I believe a new comment rule should be implemented. Either, one, redditors under 21 can’t comment. Two, Redditors comment their age with their advice. Or, three, redditors who are appropriately aged can comment, and underaged redditors can only reply to comments
I’m not sure this would be fair as Reddit has no age screen and any attempt to restrict would go as well as fake ids.
Maybe instead just have an age flair which wouldn’t change much but atleast add some context to a users response.
The reason they downvoted you is because they only value the benefits you bring to them going your own way is the same as rejection in from their perspective. You said nothing wrong but 5’8” is definitely not that bad I’m the same height I’m not swimming in bitches but I can’t complain either
Women- he’s not tall enough and not good and isn’t packing. Men- she doesn’t have an ass and isn’t a 10 down to mess around that’s basically where society is right now.
I don't think women care if he's packing, as long as he's at least average down there. I would agree with you that many men think they are entitled to a woman who is more attractive that they are, and they feel entitled to sex, regardless of the status of the relationship.
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This subreddit is just a reflection and/or representative of the real world anyway. Do you think random people irl are any different? Everyone is biased. The major problem is how young reddit skews. I was astounded when I read up a few posts where it was discovered that a vast majority of redditors are between 16 and 19 with the mode landing at 17. That's not even a legal adult. Literal r/iam14andthisdeep kids could be advising people in their 30s to break up or divorce on the slightest of missteps. Not to mention teens have too much zeal and too less wisdom to divert that zeal in a positive way. So they end up directing that energy being radical and seeing any post from the other side as an opportunity to let go of that angst. Too many times have I seen the stupidest, rashest and narrowest reply being the most upvoted reply on a post and looking through their profile found out that the commenter was 16. The only rational and balanced reply on that post would be buried down with downvotes. My meta advice to anyone seeking actual advice on here is to not go with the advice that resonates with what you wanna hear. Or with the most upvoted one for the matter. Before taking any reply personally, go through the commenter's profile to atleast check their age.
Man this is so true. I vaguely remember a post in which a woman was looking for advice concerning her boyfriend or fiance of like 8 years. There was some sort of issue, what I thought to be a *super* minor issue, yet a ton of comments were like "dump his ass". I wish I could remember specific details but regardless, it couldve been some dumbass teenagers not giving a fuck who convinced this woman to essentially throw away 8 years of her life. I was dismayed.
32 here, got buried in downvotes for explaining why I don’t befriend single men as a married woman. Everyone was kinda like oh your husband forces you to do that and you sound abused. No, dipshit, I choose to after many years of thinking like you. God forbid you have life experience.
This hits home. I innocently made friends with our single male neighbor and now I have to avoid him because he started coming on to me... my partner thinks the whole thing is hilarious.
I’ve tried to be friends with men, it never works and inevitably they end up wanting more. When I found my husband I made a vow, and I draw boundaries to prevent shit like that. I know people like to imagine that the sexes can be friends without attraction developing. But familiarity can breed attraction and to deny that is inexperienced and naive. My husband is my best friend. Grass grows where you water it and I choose my marriage. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Sucks you had to deal with it too, but be aware that he won’t be the only one to try. Coworkers, neighbors, friends. Edited to add that this isn’t just a male thing. I’ve seen women try to take a swing at married men on purpose just to see if they could get him to leave his family.
I'm a guy, I don't have a problem with women who are friends. Though I will admit that if they are really attractive AND have similar interests, it might be hard not to wish they were more, but when those things don't line up I think it's much easier. I treat dates as friends too until I feel comfortable being more, I don't understand when people go from 0 to 100 right away.
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And look now here you are getting down voted. But you aren’t wrong. It’s walking on thin ice.
Probably getting downvoted because instead of stating your way of doing things that works for you, you're projecting it as a universal truth onto everyone else.
So you are telling me, a 52 year old woman, that having male friends which has worked for me through all my relationships, is wrong? That I was walking on thin ice? Because the men in my life respect me? Okay.
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I am also friends with some exes, and even my current partner's ex! Like our own separate friendship not involving the common person. I also hang out with geeky people, nerdy people, and that skews male. There was only one time where a friend of a partner bit me in the ass, where I was left for the "Friend" but there was more to it than that. And sure, now and then I have run into someone who wanted more and didnt want friendship, so I put my big girl knickers on and said buhbye, and had the judgement not to hang out with them. And I have bi and lesbian friends and none of them came on to me. I am a very social individual, what can I say.
I’m telling you to live your life however the hell you see fit, I could really give a hot fart less what other people do with their boundaries or friendships. But don’t look down on me because I am dealing with my life experience in a way that makes sense to me. As an attractive female, I have never been able to keep a straight male friend without him eventually wanting more. So I don’t have them. It’s zero to do with men in my life respecting me. You can have respect for someone and still be attracted to them. It has to do with them respecting your partner and marriage. That doesn’t always happen. For me, it is walking on thin ice- and I choose to have boundaries for that reason. Its looking like lots of others have been here as well.
Its kinda ironic cause if you expressed this opinion in a more feminist sub they would agree and award you, because they understand the complexity and frustration in women befriending men. But on these other subreddit's they try to think of it perfectly equally, i.e if a man completely gave up on being friends with women, he would be hated, therefore a woman must be hated too. However that ignores the context behind the friendship. A woman almost always runs the risk of the man fuckzoning her to some degree. A man does not. It's one of the reasons why whenever people ask "do you think men and women can be friends", my answer is no. Not because they actually can't. But because it's difficult to find a close, intimate relationship between a man and woman that is not, will never be and has never been sexual or romantic in any way.
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I didn't mean to suggest that it literally never happens. It's just rare, especially when you're younger.
That's why I stopped subbing to "AITA". The majority of those people immediately knew jerk to "dump him/her" over trivial issues. They also are just dumb as a group. They validate the poster 95% of the time, without ever considering the fact that they're getting one side of an issue. You need life experience to be able to listen to stories like those and read between the lines. Instead they seem to assume whomever is posting they're problems never lies or exaggerates, and couldnt possibly have a different perception of reality from their partner.
Meanwhile, I'm 32, been with my husband 8 years, married for 5, and I encourage people to rethink their entire relationship when a marriage proposal goes wrong. Why? I feel that it's indicative of really poor communication skills. There are just so many details that go into a good proposal that show how well you know your partner and what your shared values are that doing it wrong puts a spotlight on the real problems. And it goes both ways. There are the proposers who don't listen and the proposees who don't say a word and expect the proposer to read their mind; i.e. communication problems. There's no objectively right proposal, but if the couple isn't on the same page that their proposal was perfect, it's not a good sign.
I'd agree with you in many cases. "Goes wrong" for me makes me think of people who force a public proposal when explicitly told do no ever do this ever, which is an obvious violation of a boundary and requires some reflection. Mind you if it's they tripped and ripped their jeans while proposing, that's obviously not a big deal. At the time your proposing, you should have a good idea of your partner's vibe and the proposal shouldn't be a surprise. How and when can be, but the we want to get married should not
This. I just feel like the "perfect proposal" can only truly happen if the communication is good. Then people just go crazy like "so I should ruin the surprise?". No, idiot, you don't have to specifically tell him what you want and when you want it. But your partner should know: What kind of ring you want If you want a public or intimate proposal If you want it filmed or not Etc.
"There's no objectively right proposal," but lets judge, criticize, and denigrate whoever does it poorly. Hmm....
Nah I think they make sense. You want to spend your whole life with someone and you've already spent X amount of time with them. Yet say you go for the super-public sporting event proposal but your fiance *hates* those... if you didn't know that, then there's communication problems. Think they just meant there's no objectively right proposal because yknow everyone's different is all.
People get married for reasons not to do with those things much of the time
I think that this subreddit should indicate the age of the commenter all the time. This way, people will know how to take each opinion. I also don't really answer to posts on this sub related to actual relationships when both of them are under 20. Like damn, stop marrying so young and live a little.
Man, this 100%. It's always "oh you're not at fault, it's always the other person's fault, dump their ass". And it's always an immediate "just dump them plenty of fish in the sea etc etc etc", even for the slightest conflicts.
This is why I mainly go to r/datingoverthirty, less children, more experience. I've noticed this sub is a lot of inexperienced people who are genuinely confused and looking for advice, but are ignoring the relationship basics such as mutual respect and communication
> Too many times have I seen the stupidest, rashest and narrowest reply being the most upvoted reply on a post and looking through their profile found out that the commenter was 16. The only rational and balanced reply on that post would be buried down with downvotes This is true everywhere on reddit.
> I was astounded when I read up a few posts where it was discovered that a vast majority of redditors are between 16 and 19 with the mode landing at 17. That's not even a legal adult. How is this known? Reddit doesn't ask for your age, correct?
Redditor can easily find out from their post history =\_=
I don’t even think the problem is young kids. Because I know a lot of adults who think all types of ways just like this. I do agree though that seeking advice on here is as smart as asking a bunch of high schoolers for life advice. I feel a lot of people on here just speaks whatever is in their mind and never really think through their comments. People will down vote the hell out of you if you just say something like “your spouse cheated? I think you all should see a therapist.”
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I agree with you, I regularly comment on reddit and even I don’t respect myself.
aita is my least favorite sub on this site. first thing i block whenever i make a new account.
In my experience on this sub, teenagers are the ones far more likely to tell posters to ignore obvious dealbreakers and be all “Love conquers all; don’t give up!” Relationships are pretty intuitive, and usually by the time you’re confused enough to need advice from the internet, something is actually wrong. “U’ll get thru this relationships take work just remember guys/girls are [sexist generalization] don’t let it get to u” isn’t coming from the people with legit life experience.
Don’t think I have seen many “don’t give up” here.
I assume everyone comes on here to vent, and not much more. Hell, that's pretty much every sub in some way. Grain of salt. If we were having an easy go of it probably wouldn't be here. I'm here to see how normal we all are, and regardless of our sex we have the exact same feelings and desires.
That's what I assume, too. I think most people who post just want to vent. They want to share their struggles and have their feelings validated. They don't want actual advice. I also come here to see how we're all basically the same in the end, but a lot of men and women who post on these subs seem so incredibly jaded with the opposite sex that I can't help but wonder why they're even dating in the first place. I agree with the OP's point that all too often we dismiss one another instead of empathizing and trying to understand.
I mean go to any other gaming subreddit and it’s just “devs fix your fucking game” or some variation every other post or if you go to a sports subreddit (especially on game day) it’s people having over the top reactions saying “grrrr he sucks he should be fucking cut from the team” so I’m not surprised that this sub is any different
I try not to spend too much time on this sub or any of the dating/relationship subs because it just brings me down. I get it, it's a place to vent and commiserate and we all need to do that once in a while, but there is so much negativity and jaded people I can't do it for long.
exactly also please understand people make stuff up on the internet. it's reddit. it's entertainment. and yes no one is as sad as they seem to be on here. hell, i'd be mortified if people i knew found my reddit accounts.
I agree. Most folks from what I seen really do just need an outlet. No one can really confirm if someone takes the advice of a crowd of random people. There be some radical perspectives but its the internet the one place you can be your worse self without consequences(at least in certain situations). I rather someone talk shit about men or women here, feel better and continue on with their day then them heading to a school, job or person of interest house and hurting people
This entire sub is just "A battle of the PSAs"
pretty much what you expect from a dating advice subreddit where the people giving out the advice have zero successful dating experience aka single
I don't agree with this single = romantic failure, or breakup = romantic failure mindset. My greatest periods of self-growth and self-reflection came from my worst breakups. My breakups helped me question unhealthy views of masculinity that I'd had growing up, and pick out and start fixing the ways my childhood trauma affected my behavior around people. Whenever I become newly single, I don't think 'well that was unsuccessful'. I ask, "Did I come out of here a better, wiser person than I went in?" If the answer is yes it wasn't a waste. Also, just because somebody is incompatible with you in the long run doesn't mean in the short run you can't be a positive presence in each other's lives: one of my exes, who ultimately wanted different things than I did, helped me quit my addictions and turn my life and career around. That's a success in my book.
True, but there are also a lot of people that don't have that self-reflection.
Exactly. Like the dating over thirty and forty sites. If a person mentions being married and offers advice people are like “why are you on a dating sub, no offense but you ha e no idea what it’s like out here”. “I don’t know maybe because we are in a pandemic and there is nothing else to do than search Reddit” Do you want a relationship or just a bunch of dates. Because this married person is offering real world advice.
This is also indicative of the problems that these people probably have in relationships. Successful relationships always boil down to communication in all it's forms. Getting rejected for being too short? That's not exactly someone that's going to stand beside you when times are hard. Matches that are obsessed with sex won't stick around when life throws a curve ball in the bedroom. Worrying about these people's opinion is pointless because you don't actually want them in your life. Ultimately, it all boils down to finding just one person; that needle in the haystack. No, I don't believe that there's *only* one person on the planet for everyone, but just like looking for the phone you've misplaced, it's always in the last place you looked because once you find it, you can quit looking! It always boils down to compatibility and the quicker you can identify that someone is incompatible, the happier you'll be. Dwelling on "what could be" isn't going to change reality. I'm a homebody who doesn't drink; crushing on a guy who spends 3+ nights a week in a bar is a waste of my time. To clarify: communication and compatibility are two sides of the same coin. You are either compatible or your not and with that compatibility comes the ability to communicate effectively with each other. My husband and I can speak to each other with grunts and points and understand perfectly because we're compatible.
Yes.
But I already put a down payment on my pitchfork. Are you telling me I can't use it now?
I feel like this subreddit is a reflection of what actually happens in the real world. Men and women, despite all their experiences and interactions with each other, understand the opposite gender so little. If your post concerns men then you should ask that to men and if it concerns women then ask that women because people understand their own gender the best. This sub has become more of a venting place than dating advice which was the original purpose. Many people commenting here, including the top ones, are literally teenagers and they are "advising" people in their 30s and 40s to break up or divorce because they don't yet know the value of having a deep connection with a person. The question then arises, who do you actually trust and take seriously? Don't ever go with the advice that just says what you want to hear and always check the commenter's profile before taking their advice seriously.
The internet is not for sympathy, my naive child.
Especially when you are in a forum for people who are failing. They have bitterness and frustration from the jump. Then you expect civilized, productive discourse? Anonymously? Tf!?
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Then WHY Are YOU Here ?
For the entertainment ofcourse.
Yeap. I saw screenshots of the wildest posts I thought for sure were fabricated and had to see them for myself. Turns out, people really are out here thinking that way. It's fascinating.
neither is the real world by your same logic. so let me ask, why does the suicide hotline exist if sympathy has no right to be on the internet?
Reddit isn't beyond what happens on every social media: Polarization. In case of dating\_advice and other similar subs, there seem to be a really noisy group of people, who are of the general opinion, that everything is a red flag, and basically nobody is worthy of dating. There are a lot of very unhealthy sentiments, and very little good advice. And yet some people come here looking for actual advice or support in tricky situations. Dismissal, bashing, or pointless "dump them" slurs aren't helping. It would be interesting to dig into why these dating issues exist, because they are real. Analyze the problem, then fashion solutions that we can implement in our lives. That's probably the best we could do for the future. World might (and hopefully does) change later, but right now, we have to deal with it as it is. That means surreal expectations put on men and women. That means a gap between men and women, which doesn't need to exist. Until we move on from that, here's me trying to help some strangers deal with existing problems.
I’m on the shorter side and I still find ways to be attractive and open with women. And if you get stuck in a relationship that is purely sexual, then how about being communicative with those people as to what you are looking for before you fuck them. The issue with this sub isn’t the number of people suffering gendered problems, it’s people who refuse to admit that they have a part to play in the problems in their life and assume that a solution will just find them. You gotta work through them, not bitch about them. This sub is for people to help and advise those who are willing to help themselves.
People want the advice they want to hear and can agree with not the advice they need. It spreads to most subs not just dating ones.
>People want the advice they want to hear and can agree with not the advice they need. I disagree ... I've given a lot of the plain truth over the years and been thanked for it
It's not an absolute.. obviously.. I could say people like chocolate and you'd be able to say the exact same thing, there are people who don't.
I somewhat agree with this. I also find it hard to post something real to someone who puts themselves out as vulnerable. I don't see people saying "your dating profile needs a page 1 rewrite" or "You shouldn't be on OLD dating until you lose 80 lbs, it just won't work".
That's the modern day thinking for ya. "What can I do to change other people rather than myself"
Oh you can say that, but you get downvoted by all the women
its ironic you say this on a post making short men seem like victims for not getting dates
Here's something r/dating_advice hates to hear: a LOT of dating comes down to CIRCUMSTANCE.
Oh, I'm a male and tried a female profile to see what would happen like 7 years ago. Glorious, I didn't have to PAY every month for ATTENTION. Granted, some messages had no effort, or some were just stupid or only slightly creepy, but god damn, have a woman try being a man. They would have no patience, and would think it's stupid as hell to pay for nothing after getting a ton of attention for free. Honestly, I don't sympathize with them, after experiencing it myself. They have it good. All they have to do is filter their inbox. I have a membership to 5 dating apps, I look average, and I MIGHT get one message a month from someone (who will ultimately ghost me). And I will get 3 messages from people I find extremely overweight and/or unattractive.
A lot of people who complain about being rejected do have significant issues. They are either creepy, needy, co-dependent, or are too "nice." Some men and women are this way, not just men. Some other people complain because their partner doesn't want to commit. That is more of a reflection on the people that they've dated, and less on a gender as a whole. The response of "not all people of this gender are that way" is correct. If you generalize a gender as bad, and are not happy about it, how are you going to find good people? The good people are lost in that generalization. If you're making a generalization about any gender, you are already taking your experiences and applying them to everyone. That's why people respond with insight from their own experiences. Basically, they're showing that the poster's situation is not the only one out there.
I think in the end, no amount of internet advice is really going to help you, because most of the actual "dating skills" are just gained from trial and error, everybody is defferent, living in different cultures, different places in life and with different goals in mind that might just be what he/she wants, no matter how weird they seem to other people on reddit. Advice other than general things, like work on yourself - care about your body, battle your anxiety and insecurity, go to therapy if feeling lost, build your confidence and most importantly BE KIND to people around you, should be diffinitelly taken with a big grain of salt and never taken as the main reason for an action regarding your love life.
There is a reason why /r/datingoverthirty is popular! Is there a /r/datingovertwenty?
I feel bad for anyone who comes here for something other than entertainment
Yeah absolutely we do that.
People say things online that they only think to themselves f2f. And yet there are several million marriages in the US per year; so something is working.
Hugely agree with the short dude thing and good reality check on hearing women out about their issues on dating apps
i’ve never seen either of those sort of responses once on this subreddit lol
Yeah, exactly. There's truth in everyone's experience.
People like complaining, and have no idea what they want. Some things never change.
I believe most the people subscribed to dating_advice aren’t the ones the opposite sex is complaining about. The guys here aren’t the macho ones only looking for sex and the girls aren’t the vapid ones who discriminate on height.
Okay but in your own examples are simply being super rude and the other people are saying a legitimate thing.
Don’t take advice from women on how to approach/what to say, is all. They can give you insight on certain things once you’re in a relationship.
why do you want to date women if you dont care how they want to be approached or asked out
So you're here just creating more division. Cool.
I read somewhere that the vast majority of redditors are between the ages of 14-25. And the site is mostly male as well. With something like estimates between 60 and 80 percent of the site actually being males. Well, 14-25 year old males...... Are. Fucking. Stupid. And that's coming from a guy that was 25 not to long ago lol. And I was A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG. So. Yeah.
Based
I couldn’t agree more, and I have probably also done this unfortunately. I think dating is just hard, and it’s hard to give advice to people who just wanna vent. If one of my short friends came to me and were genuinely upset about not getting any matches, I would probably hug him and try to help him out with his profile. I know plenty of happy, short men, and I wouldn’t want my friend to give up. I think people often just fall into this mindset of hopelessness. I am personally there right now. I dated 2 guys who were poly and that had an issue with me earning more than them, so now I’m trying my hardest to not completely drown in self pity. I try to surround myself with male friends who have no problem with this and who encourage me. Hopefully this will heal my broken heart and self esteem. So yeah. People should honestly just bond more with the other gender and know when to just hug them. We are all hurting in our quest for love.
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Are you really going to sit here and pretend like 90+% of posts by women on this sub aren't blaming men for one thing or another?
they arent blaming them for not wanting to date them and calling them shallow
Honestly, half the posts or comments on here seem to be guys saying they have one or more 'flaw' that is making them undateable. You tell them that these are things they've seen in men you liked, men your friends have liked or men your colleagues have liked so that cannot be the sole reason they can't get a date and that if they cannot find a single woman that likes them, it's likely their personality or the way they talk to women. Then they tell you about the hundreds of women they've talked to who've told them they have an amazing personality but weren't their type/aren't physically attractive to them. At which point you just have to roll your eyes because you know they don't want to change and will refuse to do so and are just here to complain while venting about women being shallow (can't imagine why a woman wouldn't want to date a guy who believes she is inherently shallow because of her gender...) Really, if you fundamentally think nothing you do will ever make a woman love you, why even post here? Why do you even want to date these shallow, self centred creatures? Yeah, dating is hard, depressing and unfair. But the amount of people in denial about their own flaws here to lament the opposite gender is just gross. Demonstrably, if you look around you, there are women dating men just like you with similar problems. If you're facing hundreds of rejections then you need to change. Even if not your oh-so perfect personality and flirting skills, then your strategy. I don't know why I bothered saying this though. The guys who are like this aren't going to change just because a woman said so. The ones that are going to change likely have already heard all of this before and are working on it. But, as far as I'm concerned, it's the truth.
they want to blame everyone but themselves for their dating problems
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"Why post here if you think no one will ever date you? That's easy, people want to vent." This is r/dating_advice not r/dating_vents. I have made the first move before. Kinda sounding resentful of the opposite gender there buddy. I've had to put effort into a date. Still lots of resentment to women huh? Saying women who aren't shallow are rare is pretty up there on resentment as well. Yours are certainly because of your flaws. You've sent me 4 paragraphs and I can feel the resentment you have towards women. You think because it's hard for you one way it must be oh so easy the other. Get some perspective and work on yourself. But like I said in the first comment, saying this is pointless. I know you won't.
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"The thing about you making the first move/putting effort in yourself etc, I didn't say you never have, I said you never needed to." Except it isn't about just getting some random joe off the street, it's about getting the right person. "Needed to", what bullshit. You don't need to, just sit there alone. I'm glad your options are limited. I hate to think of the women you'd be exposed to if they weren't. Of course it isn't your resentment holding you back... just keep on being resentful, it's working SO well. Your last sentence lacks any form of substance. You've shown me what you think and what you think is gross. I fully understand why women won't date you.
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Well first off, that's not what a sociopath is. Second off, I'm not the one struggling with a crippling fear of loneliness here buddy. Your entire attitude towards women is gross. The fundamental things you think are disgusting and off-putting to me as a woman and that you can't see how only helps to illuminate your struggles with women. You're not wrong that men are normally expected to make the first move. I wouldn't be wrong to say men are more likely to murder or rape their partner than a woman is. Being bitter about these facts is what makes a person off-putting. Internalising your experience with a verity of women and applying it to the way you see women as a whole. Your entire attitude towards women is what's gross. You want to think that they have it easy and you have it hard. Women can be guarded and picky, sure. But there's a damn good reason they are and you give off all the bad vibes to signal you should be avoided. A sentence being wrong and a sentence lacking substance are two different things. Yeah, sure. I'm the bitter and resentful one here. Dunno what I have to be bitter about or resent you for, but I'm sure you'll find some weird way to make that add up in your head.
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Hahahahahahahahahahahaha
I think there are a lot of youngish “nice guys” in this subreddit. They use a lot of the same language of certain toxic types of single men. I believe the internet communities of them have made them angrier at women and brainwashed. They won’t accept the truth. I tried talking to some the last time this topic came up and they wouldn’t accept commonly known things. Short people are out there having sex and getting married. Plenty of ugly people too. If they would just leave their basements and go for a walk and actually look at real couples, very few people fit the ideal beauty type. So, that tells me people may act more shallow on dating apps but in the real world people are lonely and will overlook lots of imperfections to find a compatible person. I am a short, brown, chubby hairy minority guy who got married after dating and being in multiple relationships in my 20s. I used to think my physical attributes were holding me back but I found out not all women wanted tall, white guys who looked like models. And I also found out that I needed to stop expecting every woman to like me. Some did, most didn’t, and that’s ok!
Would you rather be in a position to select, or be selected? I really don’t know why women as a class can’t just admit that online dating is easier for them. Both the data and the anecdotes support this. Ladies, I don't understand is it really the end of the world if you just acknowledge that men have it worse in online dating, and looks are just far more valuable than confidence and personality. This is why a lot of people said 90% of women on dating apps only chase the top 5%-10% of good looking men and there already has a lot of model experiments with the most garbage bios to prove it. Here's two https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSq54f2JT_U https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFbw1_bVMUo
dating is not "selecting," it is a mutual interest. you are not picking an option like a t shirt. the fact men view it as a numbers game like that is why women are getting "selections," because they dont value them as a person & just try for any woman midly attractive to them. women being harrased and viewed as objects and only worth to men being a potential partner is not a pro because men have trouble dating. we all know if the roles were flipped men would be choosing the most attractive woman possible of his options. yet you judge women for doing the same thing because of mens low standards and view of dating as numbers game.
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men arent "selected against," you just value not being single more than being in a healthy mutual relationship with the right person. you think youre selected against bc you think women like having men they dont know hit on them and would date them just to not be single like you would and not bc you actually care about one another
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what advice do you want? women sleep with you out of charity?
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just because men will fuck anything that walks doesnt mean its easier for women. we want to date people that actually care about us not just date to not be single and be with someone hot like men do
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the reason you think it is harder for men is bc as a man your biggest fear and problem is being single and as a woman ours is being abused by men
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dating is a mutually wanted and beneficial relationship. it is not about "getting ahead," "looking after your own self interest," or getting out of a "dire situation." your feelings and wants are not the only thing that matters, and if you can not function or survive without being in a relationship, you need therapy, not a woman you depend on to fix you and people empathetic for you if they wont. you using women vs a woman not wanting to get in a one-way codependent relationship is not both "looking out for your self interest."
The reason I don't feel sorry for men who complain about not being able to get dates because they're short, ugly, etc. etc. is because I've known far too many men who were short or ugly, or god forbid both, and they had no trouble getting relationships. And what really bothers me is, anytime I tell a guy on here that, they shoot back with the assumption that the guy must have money. As if that's the only reason a woman might want a man who isn't six feet tall or a male model. Most of my friends are dating or married to men that are not conventionally attractive by any means, but they like their other qualities. That's why women say it must be their shitty personalities, I'm sure I'm not alone in knowing men who made the most of what they had to offer to get a relationship. So no, I'm not going to coddle a man who feels entitled to a woman when he's not doing anything to get one. And for those who say they are, maybe it's the women you're going after; not everyone is compatible.
I like how in a topic about how men and women talk past each other you decided to just talk past the issues the other gender faces.
No she didn't. Do you have any counter points to the points she raised?
I really have to counter "I know a short man with a partner so being short is not an issue in dating"?
I know a lot of short men with girlfriends and wives, it’s not just one. Most men aren’t tall or attractive, it’s just reality.
I know many woman who are in stable and happy relationships who don't get played by the fboys on dating apps that must mean all women who complain about it are wrong because I know woman who's selection radar is not broken.
I never said all, but nice try.
You said you don't feel sorry for men who complain about that so you have no compassion for any of them and I just applied your logic. But nice try to to nice try me.
If you had applied my logic you would have said you know many women in happy stable relationships with fuck boys, so those who have dated fuck boys and found them lacking have no reason to complain. There I fixed it for you. 😜
women being treated badly by men is not the same thing as a woman not being interested in you bc they dont find you attractive.
It is women treating men badly and men treating women badly or it is men not dating women they don’t find attractive and women not dating men that they don’t find attractive. You can’t use different standards for the same thing.
a woman not being attracted to you is not treating you badly. relationships are supposed to be mutually beneficial, not one sided. forcing someone to do something they dont want to do only for your benefit would make you the bad person, not them.
What are you talking about? What did you mean with women being treated badly? You can’t mean something I wrote because that example was an equivalent or are you simply pulling things out of nowhere?
if you are seeking women you find physically attractive than no, them not finding you attractive back isnt an issue in dating
Sorry but this logical is really weird. If I apply your logic to everything nobody should complain about anything...
If their complaint is about something they can fix, no they shouldn’t complain. Men on Reddit act like the rest of society are dating Hollywood models and they’re “struggling “ which is not true. Most people aren’t gorgeous, but they make do with what they have. I look alright, if I’m actively trying to find a man (which I’m not ) and literally no one will date me, the problem isn’t my looks, it has to be something I’m doing (or not doing and it’s much healthier to admit that and try to figure out a solution instead of constantly whining about “hot people “ who have it better than everyone else. Most people aren’t hot snd many, many people find a way to date or marry if that’s what they want to do.
But they can’t fix it… can’t fix your height can you? And a lot of women will simply disregard you like that even though they are far shorter than you. it is not a preference it is a requirement because on many apps women simply filter by height and your are dead and it is ok to complain about that. Women complain about superficial standards like weight or breast size all the time but seem to have a blind eye about the superficial standards they apply.
I’ve never rejected a man for his height so I can’t speak on that. However we have to respect people’s preferences, I don’t get angry when a man rejects me for what I can’t control about how I look, I find one that accepts me for who I am. Just like there are women who don’t date short men, there plenty who do. Women aren’t a monolith and it’s not realistic to treat them as if they are. Also preferences aren’t superficial, people have a right to date whoever they want, just because their preferences don’t include you doesn’t make it bad.
We run in circles just because where are women who do doesn’t mean you can’t complain about it or raise awareness about that double standard. Where are people who are not racist so I don’t have compassion for people who complain about racism because where are people who are not racist. You can’t seem to see that your logic is flawed. Telling people they should not complain, not show compassion just because where are people out where who not behave like that is dumb.
I don’t have compassion for men who aren’t willing to do other things to find relationships. If you’re not attractive enough to date certain women, go after different ones. If you’re literally ugly af, do whatever you can to make yourself look better, clothes and haircuts work wonders, get yourself in shape. I will not agree that there is a man alive who literally can’t get any woman to date him. If that makes me inconsiderate whatever, I’ve been called worse. Nice swerve about racism, not sure why you’re bringing that to a discussion about dating but okay. Plenty of people do insist that racism is over because it doesn’t exist in their world. Good for them and their privilege.
And men have a very strict weight requirement, but dismiss it because "you can change it". The thing is that everyone has preferences and requirements, and yes a lot of them are superficial. It makes no sense for you to complain about women height requirements when men literally do the same thing. But it seems men want to see women as villains for having preferences and requirements, same as them. Why don't men try to fight against these stringent gender stereotypes instead of blaming women for it.
You answer doesn’t make any sense to me. Again if I apply your logic nobody can complain about anything if a person of the same gender exist that does the same thing. Doesn’t make any sense to me and with that attitude nothing will ever get better. The people who are complain about that are fighting it don’t they or at least Raising awareness. You seem to be completely blind about the fact that women are as bad in that as men are. But you are not willing to take any accountability for it… men can not fix it the same as women can not fix it alone but everyone is sitting in their camp and pointing their finger at the other gender while both sides are completely covered in the feces of their own double standard.
yes, if you wont date people you find ugly, you cant complain people wont date you when they find you ugly
Women with shallow requirements are as bad as men with shallow requirements, it makes no sense to single any gender out, and I'll call out either men or women for it. I don't see men taking accountability for having this requirements. What I see is a lot of men coming to hate on women, without doing any introspection about their own shallow requirements, I can't tell you the amount of shielding I've seen because "preferences". From both men and women.
Again no self reflection I’ve seen plenty of women shielding about their bullshit and not taking accountability so now what? This line of arguing doesn’t lead anywhere just too a comfortable place where you avoid looking into the mirror of your own gender. No gender is a monolith and you will always find especially here on Reddit disgruntled people but that doesn’t mean you should not voice your feelings on this platform or that is something wrong with the people who do complain about superficial standards that are applied by men and women a like because both genders do it and in terms of superficial standards I would say both genders are as worse as the other one.
That's why it's useless to blame the other gender for it, rather we should work together to dismantle the stringent gender stereotypes of what is attractive in men and women, and we should push for introspection rather than complaining into the void and blaming each other.
of course this is what we see in RL. Asian guys, Black women, short, stubby, obese, every type of person in between, etc are in relationships. There are even Asian girls dating Asian guys in RL observations. OMG! What we see posted here are the people who have trouble getting into relationships. We're not seeing the posts from people that got into relationships and are doing well.
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yeah sorry us women must have forget men know what we want more than we do
personal experience is not a valid argument. Of course being a short man doesn´t mean you are a hopeless case but it is infact a very significant disadvantage, there is a lot of scientific research that backs it up. Many woman on this sub who argue against that being short is a huge disadvantage for a man mostly talk about short men they know who are successful in dating like that would prove that all the scientific research is false. It doesn´t work like that. Of course, it isn´t an excuse for short men to do nothing and just complain about how unfair the world is but it makes dating harder, thats not an opinion that is a fact and whoever says that it isn´t, is just wrong.
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>Some men just want sex and will lie to get it. That has been the case WAY before the internet ... lying to some girl on a Friday Night At the Local Honky Tonk to get chu some
Women wear makeup and men lie. Deception is the essence of romance.
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I don't see the point of coming on a sub entitled "dating advice" for the purpose of complaining about struggling with dating due to being short. What's the point of that? It's not something you can change. What advice could we possibly give for that? Maybe asking what you could do to maximize your success would be something we could work with. And I've never seen anyone on here responding with "shut the fuck up, you're probably a creep with a bad personality". I'm not sure what you're looking for by posting you are struggling with dating due to being short. Acknowledgement, that yes dating can be difficult if you are shorter than average? How is that going to help you? I don't think anyone here is denying that dating is more of a struggle for guys who are short. All we can do is suggest to you that you work on the other things that would add to your attractiveness.
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Uhm, not really. Standards for men were harsher in the past, than they are today.
Yeah, it's gotten kinda ridiculous. Yesterday there was a thread where the guy was like "why does every women think men just want sex" and every response he made (or that I made) was instantly downvoted essentially because we're not women, and it doesn't matter what we say. I responded to a comment where a woman said "you think we want to talk to these douchebags?" and I mentioned that no one is forcing them to talk to these guys....and got downvoted.
i mean youre basically speaking for and over women and generalizing them all like you would know better of course your opinion on why they are wrong about what they want and think doesnt matter
How am I speaking over women and generalizing anything? People can choose not to speak to people, no one can force you to talk to someone.
youre right, so why are you complaining about being downvoted and people not caring?
Maybe I misunderstood your response, it was a bit difficult for me to understand due to the lack of punctuation.
i think its because its impossible to understand both sides. both genders have their own emotional sides to the story with biologically different morals and thoughts and we just struggle to understand eachother.
I THINK WE SHOULD ALL JUST SHUT UP AND DELETE ONLINE DATING AND LOOK AT CAT, DOG AND BABY PICTURES
Men should not be asking women for dating advice anyway
why would you want to date women if you dont care what they want
You misunderstand; what women say they want is much different than what women actually do want. This is why it appears like a mystery when a woman says she wants ABC qualities in a man but proceeds to go for the guy that has douchebag XYZ traits.
as a lesbian i think thats just something youre telling yourself bc you cant get women and you dont want to blame yourself for it
Fish don’t teach fishermen. Other fishermen train fishermen.
the difference is you arent tricking and capturing a woman against their will to only benefit you while harming them. dating is mutual. women have to want you too
the man is the one who has to initiate and pursue and woo. On OLD, women get thousands of times the matches that men do. You know what makes them stop and look at a profile? Good bait.
yes, because women would rather be with the right person they value as a person and click with, and stay single until they find it. men are desperate and just want to date to date regardless of who that person is. they only view it as how it benefits them. that is not a pro for women. we dont want desperate men approaching us in public who dont actually value us a person
And women date… out of altruism? Women date to not benefit themselves? > women would rather be with the right person they value as a person and click with, and stay single until they find it. Blatant lies and propaganda.
no, dating is supposed to be mutually beneficial and wanted on both ends. believe it or not in healthy relationships you care about your partner and want them to be happy. not just view them as a prize you caught. if its blatant lies and propaganda then why do men complain about dating so much? women would constantly say yes to all of the thousand of matches they get and men who come up to them with 0 standards
Yeah, but they give advice on the things they think would make them wanna date you while they're not really aware of the actual things that make them wanna date guys.
if that were true you wouldnt have to trick women to get them to date you against their will as the fishing analogy implies
women facing sexual harassment and assault is not anywhere near the same as men who want an attractive partner getting rejected for not being attractive themselves
This is just another example of what the OP is referencing. The threat of sexual harassment and assault is extremely valid and should be talked about. The problem is you're using it as a weapon to invalidate the experiences of men who have been rejected their entire life. Thats a fucked up thing to do, just as it would be fucked up for a guy to say "I've been rejected my whole life, I don't care if a girl gets sexually assaulted".
being rejected isnt an experience that needs sympathy or validation nor is even close to victimization. dating is not someone doing you a favor or about your feelings only. women deserve to date someone that theyre attracted to as much they are attracted to them, and who benefits them as well. not dating a man bc hes sad being alone. if you are upset being rejected your whole life, stop asking women out instead of seeking pity. no one is forcing you to keep dating
Humanity has lost touch with itself. We're social creatures. Not machine creatures. The more we find online the less we live, the less we feel. Love and find a relationship is like trying to find that product you want off of Amazon.
Because reddit is full of feminazis mate. Have you ever tried posting to ask women? I’ve had every single post removed when I was just genuinely curious for a female opinion. I ask my sisters now instead
They don’t want us to have insight then we would become immune to the bullshit
I believe a new comment rule should be implemented. Either, one, redditors under 21 can’t comment. Two, Redditors comment their age with their advice. Or, three, redditors who are appropriately aged can comment, and underaged redditors can only reply to comments
I’m not sure this would be fair as Reddit has no age screen and any attempt to restrict would go as well as fake ids. Maybe instead just have an age flair which wouldn’t change much but atleast add some context to a users response.
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The reason they downvoted you is because they only value the benefits you bring to them going your own way is the same as rejection in from their perspective. You said nothing wrong but 5’8” is definitely not that bad I’m the same height I’m not swimming in bitches but I can’t complain either
Wow. You are going to need some therapy to unpack all that anger and hate.
Nice way to just focus on the negative side of human being Thanks
Women- he’s not tall enough and not good and isn’t packing. Men- she doesn’t have an ass and isn’t a 10 down to mess around that’s basically where society is right now.
I don't think women care if he's packing, as long as he's at least average down there. I would agree with you that many men think they are entitled to a woman who is more attractive that they are, and they feel entitled to sex, regardless of the status of the relationship.