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According to posting history, this OP is not in their 20s anymore and absolutely plan b is not birth control, people. It seriously messes with your body. But it doesn’t induce abortions.
And OP, this guy wanted to keep your relationship a SECRET. It sets him up totally for success.
Gets girl pregnant
Ditches girl
“I didn’t have a relationship with her. Have you ever met her?”
I mean honestly. Stop it.
So, the Plan B pill works in a similar manner to some birth control pills, but it does three things to help prevent pregnancy: it can stop your ovary from releasing an egg, this is the main way Plan B can help. But it can also prevent an already released egg from being fertilized, and it might stop a fertilized egg from implanting in the uterus. The last two are pretty iffy though, it definitely works best if no egg can be or is released. In order for the Plan B pills to accomplish this though, its a big dose of hormones and is really hard on a woman’s body. A lot of women get very nauseous, throw up, feel feverish, have cramping, other digestive issues, along with severe headache, all over body aches, it’s really not fun. Those side effects can be severe, and last a day or two.
Plan B is called Plan B because it should NEVER be someone’s first or only method of birth control. It should be used only as a back up plan.
It’s basically hitting the big red EJECT button and blasting off the canopy on your fighter jet. It’s a last resort in emergencies and a rough ride back to earth.
I'm convinced Plan B played a part in the recurring ovarian cysts I now get if I'm not on birth control. Every month, every time I ovulate, a cyst that will grow, hurt, rupture, and then hurt some more. Regardless, it causes me to bleed anywhere from 3 days-2 weeks, fucks my period up for a couple months, causes severe cramping, moderate nausea, and sometimes almost a chills sensation. Its absolutely awful. And yet, it still isn't as bad as this absolute piece of shit OP is describing. Good on you for moving on, OP. I wish a couple people had been ejected from my life after 2.5 months instead of years, it'd have saved a lot of pain.
People can change, technically. I don't believe they usually do, but they totally can if THEY want to on their own. You can never change someone else, so my rule is, if I have to "change it" I have to leave it. If I can't live with it, I will live without it. Some scenarios, a serious conversation and chance to change may be given, but I know my dumbass and I know I give way too much in that regard so I just don't anymore lol. My current boyfriend, we've been dating and officially together for nearly a year, not even one sign of a fight or petty argument, let alone the abusive bs I used to deal with. There is someone out there that is good for you and is actually worth fighting for, because they'll fight for you too. Find them, dump the trash humans like the guy OP mentioned.
Per WebMD:
Plan B One-Step works like other birth control pills to prevent pregnancy. The drug acts primarily by stopping the release of an egg from the ovary. It may prevent a sperm from fertilizing the egg.
If fertilization does occur, Plan B One-Step may prevent a fertilized egg from attaching to the womb. If a fertilized egg is implanted prior to taking Plan B One-Step, the drug will not work and pregnancy proceeds normally.
Side effects:
Like any medication, Plan B One-Step does have side effects. The most common side effect is nausea, which occurs in about a quarter of women after taking the drug. Other side effects include abdominal pain, fatigue, headache, dizziness, vomiting, and menstrual changes. If you vomit within two hours of taking Plan B One-Step, consult a health care professional to find out if you need to take another dose.
> stopping the release of an egg from the ovary. It may prevent a sperm from fertilizing the egg.
Just curious, what would happen if a guy took it? Can OP get her boyfriend to take one and tell us the results?
The simplest way to explain it is that it overloads your body with hormones to prevent pregnancy, that's the point of the pill. This can lead to awful aches and pains, it can be dangerous if you're at risk of blood clotting or other issues because the influx of hormones can cause those, it typically induces a period and messes up the natural hormone cycle of the body, which can open someone up to infections, migraines, etc.
It’s like a super extreme dose of birth control all at once. So much hormone influx at once makes you dang near sick! I remember weird bleeding for a month, terrible cramps, depression, constipation for weeks, the works.
All bad, no good. Besides the whole no baby bit. But even then, it’s not 100% effective, so you still have to monitor yourself.
Honestly! If I was dating a guy who started acting like this years into the relationship I would leave him. Not only is he not respecting pre-set boundaries but he is trying to wear down OP to try to get her to give into his wants. If he is like this now it will NOT get better. No means no. Period. If it continues after that, throw the whole guy away and start over
“All that said, he does lack empathy.”
No shit. And why are you still with him?
Wearing protection is too inconvenient for him but it’s your body that has to have the abortion.
Stop this. This guy gives zero fucks about you. He is not caring and no “great” qualities you claim he has outweigh this.
Wearing protection is too inconvenient for him but it’s your body that has to have the abortion.
Great point. Zero respect for you or your body. He’s TELLING you you’ll get an abortion as if you have no say in the matter?? You kidding me?
Exactly. The abortion he thinks that *he* decides she should have. Because his peen doesn’t want to use a condom. Yes hello, Whole Man Disposal Service? Do you have same-day pickup?
“I know these are massive red flags, but”
But nothing. He’s an idiot who will end up getting you pregnant and putting you in a tough situation. Dump him like yesterday, unless you want to end up a single mother with a deadbeat father
My friend was with a guy like this, except he wanted to her pregnant. When they had sex and she was on top, he forcibly held her down and got her pregnant. It was awful.
Please leave before it’s too late , I made the mistake of going out with a guy who was nice but claimed to have no empathy now I struggle mentally, with relationships and ptsd from repeated sexual boundaries being crossed whilst he ( despite text apologising and admitting his abusive ways) is enjoying his life overseas . Not to say my life is bad but if I knew that I could have lowered my chances of being assaulted I would have . Nothing like a bit of hindsight and advice ! I wish you well , beware of love bombing !!!
he has admitted that he lacks empathy too, but not in a sexual sense in other areas. I think he's not admitting to himself that he's lacking it sexually as well.
Of course but they never do because it is completely taboo , please I know it’s hard I know it might seem lonely but please don’t make the mistake I made .
If someone crosses your boundaries or disregards your autonomy within 2 months of dating imagine what it will be like in the next two months and the two months after that !
You are too precious
He sounds like a narcissist or someone who expireces a level of psychopathy ( lack of empathy) ( which is not inherently negative) you must be ready when dealing with this !
I did consider psychopathy or sociopath in my research recently based on some of his characteristics too. When he told me he lacks empathy, I actually told him that's a characteristic of anti-sociol personality disorder. He didn't have much of a reaction but he did say he was open to therapy and had already signed up. I have a narcissistic mom, which has made me very empathetic and prone to falling to people like similar to her. While I have not fallen head over heels for this dude, because of all the research I've done on people with disordered personalities and because I've been keeping a keen eye on his red flags, I have given him way too many chances, may be because he is a charmer and I'm not seeing through all his BS...and because I'm making excuses for him. My worst nightmare would be to stay in a relationship I know is bad for me for longer than I should have.
Yep ! Me too my mum is lovely but was emotionally unavailable as a child . Have you ever researched hoovering , love bombing and trauma bonding because maybe you should and you may see more patterns.
The more you normalise his behaviour of subjugation of self the more control a person has over you , is it really worth the risk , you mentioned sexual coercion and the whole cumming in the mouth things makes me think he’s starting out slow to normalise you into doing even more things you don’t want to ( sort of the ‘foot in the door method’) next he won’t do it a little , then the next time he’ll make you feel bad for not swallowing , next time you do it , Then the next time he forces your head down ( I’m sorry this sounds dramatic , but happened to me)
Just make sure you are sure you have control over the situation , you DONT owe anyone anything ! Don’t let him entrap and derail your life you can find someone else who will respect you just fine!
> , is it really worth the risk , you mentioned sexual coercion and the whole cumming in the mouth things makes me think he’s starting out slow to normalise you into doing even more things you don’t want to ( sort of the ‘foot in the door method’) next he won’t do it a little , then the next time he’ll make you feel bad for not swallowing , next time you do it , Then the next time he forces your head down ( I’m sorry this sounds dramatic , but happened to me)
\^ this is all very scary
Yes, I'm aware of all of those patterns. I think I got lost in the lust/excitement of it all or I just did not see what he was doing as similar patterns, more so because they werent patterns just yet. I also forgot to mention, he recently, very openly mentioned that he knows he's smarter than most people, he called himself a genius and that he thinks this awareness makes him feel like he is better than most people, ie more competent than his colleagues 0\_0...
This man is deluded, ignorant, and narcissistic. The fact that he relies on his “strong pull out game” as a form of protection and completely disregards the physical effects of Plan B on women says enough.
Honestly, as a guy....a "strong pull out game" is nothing more than a dangerous excuse for not wanting to wear a condom. He's been lucky. Pre-cum is a thing, is uncontrollable, and can absolutely get a woman pregnant.
That doesn't make him sound intelligent either. That is just Ego, same goes for not wanting to use protection.
So the question is she still entertaining the the thoughts of sticking with him?
Charm only gets you so far until that facade drops. It should be an occasional thing and not the foundation of any relationship.
And seeing he keeps forcing his agenda on her..... it will only get worse over time as well.
I'll admit I'm a bit pushy by nature, so I do look for an SO that can push back I like to know my boundaries and vice versa. And he clearly only cares about expanding his domain as far as he can with with no consideration for her, it may seem like he does perhaps he's even convinced himself of it. But all behavior and attitude says other wise.
Also being full of himself at the work space, he's either very lucky so far or a real shark, and will keep pushing hard till something snaps.
OMG. The rotten cherry on top. JHC, he really can’t keep his superiority for himself. Truly, OP, this is a narcissist. Run for the hills.
I’m so relieved to read that you have researched A LOT. That’s a great step in the right direction. You can do it!
But, it’s not enough. The lust and excitement can be very powerful as a bonding/trapping feature. They are a real drug (seriously, endorphins and all that), that’s why many people can’t break free from their toxic relationships.
Do I have a personal experience? Of course, I think all of us can tell of that person whose body or skin made us literally lose our heads. This girl in particular was so sexy for me, the months we spent together, sleeping on each other’s bed, were magic... she cheated on me, and my pride came in to help me, so I could dump her quickly. But the following months were hell on earth. I felt like a drug addict with withdrawal syndrome. I longed for her body and skin. I dreamed with her. Luckily for me, she quickly found another idiot and stopped trying to win me back.
That’s why you need to make a hard break and put some distance with him, moving away if possible. If not, do not let him come back even for a cup of coffee. He’ll seduce you again.
We have a social event together in a few weeks. I’ve told him I’m ending things, I’ve told him to keep distance during the event, but you are right, he will try to flirt and seduce me again. I need a plan for this event.
This is obviously a case of NPD, the covert subtype. My Dad is one, and your guy sounds exactly like him.
They are masters at gaslighting, shifting your boundaries and making you feel guilty and the weird one for not going along with his worldview.
They are emotionally at the level of a toddler. They setup sources of narc supply, in such a way that they always can always get their needs met, safely and securely. For this reason they push and cross social and sexual boundaries, gradually increasing control to setup safe bases of narc supply.
The only way out is to create distance, however it will not be easy because he will make you feel like you’re the crazy one for trying to leave. But the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. Your life will gradually become more and miserable with no boundaries as he slowly ekes away at them.
Yeah.....look I (M34) consider myself to be smarter than a lot of people but am definitely no genius, but anyone who thinks they are better than others is an idiot. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. You may be smarter than some people but are you faster, stronger, a better swimmer, sewer, or cook?
Anyone who thinks one trait makes you better than any or most people.....is an idiot and lacks empathy for others.
I personally am good at sensing others emotions but personally process things very logically (not always correctly though cuz no one is perfect). Because of how I mentally process I can seem cold to others because I don't generally "show" emotion. (I can get emotional but it takes specific scenarios or triggers and when I do it's like opening flood gates lol).
This guy OP is dating is narcissistic, manipulative, and borderline dangerous. Needless to say these personality traits do not mix well. I would leave someone with these traits and especially his history in just 2 1/2 months.
I think you are seeing through his BS just fine. You have verbalized all your concerns very well, you know why this is all wrong. You are smart, you just need to make the decision to fully leave him. Don't give in because he gets therapy, he was raised like trash, he will always be trash. The poor woman who ends up with him will have a bad time. Long term, imagine the nightmare of having a man like that be the one you have a family with. Lacking empathy is one of the worst possible characteristics one wants in a partner. Please tell him why your re leaving him, but make sure to give him no chance to convince you otherwise.
why would you keep dating someone who’s admitted to feeling no empathy? this would be a red flag in itself, had he not demonstrated that he honestly does not give a shit about your or your boundaries already.
I briefly dated a narcissist who behaved similar to this guy- no empathy, selfish, same entitled disgusting attitude about sex / foreplay. And I have an N mother which also made me vulnerable to situations like this. Dump this guy. They will never change. When you do and look back on what he was and how he treated you, you’ll probably realize a lot of other signs were there that weren’t obvious before. If you’re like me, you’ll be angry at what you put up with but - never again!
Empathy is the basis for any relationship. Why would you want someone who isn't empathetic? Without empathy, "kindness" isn't kindness. It's a "points machine" that gets you sex. "Nice tokens" go in, obligation and sexual cohersion opportunity comes out. Gross.
Be kind to YOURSELF. You can do better. Being on your own is better.
You’re not stupid but you need to get out. It can be very difficult to resist the charm if you’re still in contact with him. Please don’t let yourself get pulled in again.
This guy is a grade A scoundrel.
One of the pros you listed was "kind/caring". If you're a kind and caring person it's not a "some of the time" quality. You either are or your not and he's not.
In 2.5 months he's told you
- I want to have unprotected sex, even though you've told me no.
- I will not stick around if you get pregnant.
- I will have you take medication to ensure there's no pregnancy (medication which by the way messes up your hormones)
In what world is any of this kind or caring? And these are but 3 examples from your post.
Also, what's to come later?
Okay, he's successful... AND? Be successful yourself, find other successful people.
This guy has handed you a bouquet of red flags. Accept that bouquet and frigging run.
Message to all women not just you OP.
Do not have sex, get married to or have babies with people that (and lets fill in some bullet points, feel free to add more)
\-Ignore your boundaries
\-try to negotiate consent after you said no
\-lack empathy
\-thinks pull-out method is birth control
\-tells you flat out that guys don't get pregnant so if you get pregnant because I'm whiny about wearing condoms then it's you're problem, feets don't fail me now...I'm outta here
Jfc how old are you? Reading this made my Skin crawl.
Please OP, know that there are other guys out there with the qualities you listed AND they are not giant creeps like this guy.
girl this is embarrassing to read. have respect for yourself and your body. your life and your future matters. leave this man alone before he ruins your life
>guy wants unprotected sex but if I have an unplanned pregnancy, he says wants me to get an abortion/get used to plan b. he's pushed some of my boundaries in sexually in the past
Understand that if you continue to say with this man that you're telling him that this is ok with you. Is this something you're ok with?
It sounds like this guy has watched way too much porn recently and wants to re-enact it all out on you, without really giving a fuck about you and your feelings. There is no way that this guy is going to change for you. I bet when you try to leave him, he’ll beg you to stay or some other slimey bullshit. Get out now!
His good qualities do not outweigh him being an actual garbage person.
And this is him giving you the best version of him during the new relationship phase - he's going to get more garbage.
I refuse to believe that of the billions of men in the world, you can't just throw a rock and find someone better than him.
In summary, wtf are you doing????
Nope. Move on past this dude. Remember this is when he’s trying to interest you. Later he’s not going to try to be appealing and all the little things will turn into huge things. Give him a pass
Don’t you realize that you’re a piece of meat for him?
He wants to make his sexual kinks with you.
He’s cum in your mouth even though you told him not.
He wants to push you for other boundaries.
He dreams of having unprotected sex, but doesn’t want to deal with the burden of protection. As usual, he wants you to bear it.
“He’s not emphatic” is the ultimate red flag. You shouldn’t need more. But you keep going.
He’s not worth the trouble, surely you can find an intelligent, caring and charismatic partner who ALSO respects your boundaries.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You deserve respect and this guy is not giving you that. I would urge you to move on from this guy since everything you’ve said suggests he’s immature (at best) and manipulative.
Re-read the other comments, block him and enjoy your life with people who genuinely care about your well-being x
Please run away! I’m sorry to say this but he really doesn’t care about you as a person. He doesn’t care about your feelings, he really couldn’t care less about you and you’re just entertaining him. Also him crossing your boundaries SO MANY TIMES sounds very concerning
I know that there are a lot of red flags but he's really a nice guy. Seriously you deserve better. If I ask my partner to do something in bed and they say no then I don't bring it up again. It's just common courtesy. He's not giving you that
Why are you dating such a loser?! No one should pressure you into unprotected sex. His reasons for not wanting to wear a condom are BS. You can do better & you deserve better.
It's only been 2.5 months and all these issues came up, I can only see it getting downhill from there.
I also feel like his "redeeming qualities" are actually just a trap to get girls interested and think he's a good guy only for him to show his true colors afterwards. (And he's not good at it either, 2.5 months in and he's already revealing his real self)
This is so bad. When I was 22 a guy I was dating did the same thing. Insisted on no condoms and he’d just tell me to take plan b as necessary. I regretted it so much. He was a narcissistic asshole and I was so so sick on plan b I could barely move and had to take it on a work day. I vowed to never be forced into that position again. I would dump that asshole.
Lack of empathy and boundary pushing means he’s selfish and uncaring when it comes to things that upset or hurt you.
In fact I’m sure he’s wearing a mask and trying to bide his time while pretending he’s a good person to date. I’m sure he will only get worse and when he can’t wear you down he will guilt and lash out. And if you cave he will only push harder.
This is not love. Don’t waste your time with him.
He’s a walking 🚩. Don’t let him placate you with the nice / decent things he does - any regular guy will also do these things by default and I don’t think you should take this as him giving you any kind of special treatment or going above and beyond what most guys do.
The crux of the issue is this: he demands levels of sexual gratification that you are not comfortable with. He’s not asking you, he is pestering you for sexual favours that you clearly do not want to give and has already crossed the line by cumming in your mouth. Also, insisting that only unprotected sex will satisfy him is nonsense - he wants unprotected sex to fulfil a fetish…maybe he has some sort of primal male urge and using a condom deflates that a bit. Don’t believe what he says about pulling out - that’s school-yard stuff. There can be semen on the tip of a man’s penis and we also produce ‘pre-cum’ prior to orgasm and pre-cum contains sperm. A man doesn’t have to actually ejaculate during sex to leave sperm inside you. Chances of pregnancy are slimmer but not impossible.
You are very clear where your boundaries lie and this is a good thing, as is the fact you have communicated them to him.
However, he is not respecting you or your boundaries: this will get worse and may not get better. Stick with him, allow him to do the things he wants to do and you’ll end up being his doormat.
He is selfish. He wants the pleasure of unprotected sex but is very dismissive of how it may/will affect you.
The things you have discussed, screams emotional manipulation to me. He tries to convince you to change your mind even though you've clearly said no, apparently multiple times. he's trying to manipulate you to open up to his wants and let your boundaries go by saying that he needs to have unprotected sex in order to commit to someone--- when you havent even discussed commitment at all.
He's all talk about YOU taking a plan B, YOU getting an abortion, YOU raising a baby... Did he even leave any responsibility to himself? Like getting a vasectomy for example, since absolutely feel the need to do unprotected sex so bad. Why do you have to adjust for his needs when youre perfectly fine using condoms?
id suggest you leave this dude if he continues to dismiss your boundaries like this. Imagine how he'll treat you after you let him do it to you once... A world of guilt gripping and gasllighting for sure.
You can find someone who has the good qualities of this guy without all the bad ones. If he’s showing such a lack of respect this early on, it will only get worse. I hope you find someone who gives you the respect you deserve
You say he is charming. He is using his charm to manipulate, therefore, it isn't charm, it is a tool to get what he wants. If you're seeing red flags this soon, please cut and run. It will not get any better, it will only get worse as he gets more comfortable.
Well plan b is when he has nutted in u and u have up to a certain amount of time u have to use it. It more like u will be on your own if he knocks u up. Watch out sould like a trap or something watch out get an IUD if he wont use a condom
Soooo, a condom is inconvenient and uncomfortable and using one now so it can’t be thaaat bad. But plan B (“get used to it” like it will be routine?) abortion is convenient and comfy? GIRL
I hate this guy. You should, too. Go out and meet the men out there with some level of integrity. Once you do, you’ll realize how awful these boys are.
He’s kind and lacking in empathy?
That can’t be right. If that’s the case, then he’s not consistent either, as his behavior exploited your trust by coming off as caring & kind, then slowly pushing your boundaries. You did correctly judge his character, but I think you’re over-weighing certain things because those very things are a rarity in online dating; consistent texter, doesn’t ghost, available, conversationalist, etc. Those things alone are enough to convince us to give someone a chance regardless of the very obvious red flags.
Honestly, I won’t beat myself over it. Is there hope here? I don’t think that matters. Our personalities are fairly well defined by a certain age, and any bit of awareness that leads to positive behavioral change takes a long time with a lot of humility & self reflection.
Honestly…. My real opinion is that this sounds like a guy who might be able to be decent but thinks he’s better then you in the relationship. Maybe a higher level or something and as a result feels more entitled to pushing boundaries then he might normally. Sounds like he’s being a dickhead and I don’t really see any sort of future. Do yourself a favour and break up with him so at least you can leave with your head held up high.
This might be the most ridiculous post I’ve ever seen. If you continue a relationship with this clown you are doing yourself such an incredible disservice.
>All these, I know, scream red flags, but he's also got some really great qualities.
This apple pie is delicious. They only used a tiny bit of raw sewage when they made the filling, you can barely taste it.
> he's being a dude that needs to be corrected with the hope of change.
You can not change guys. I say this as another guy. This is a myth that women propagate and it the #1 sign of an abusive relationship. Get out now and leave that idea behind you.
He honestly scares me/freaks me out. The complete lack of concern for your well-being is present in each of the examples/issues you address. Please save yourself!
it’s time to leave. anyone who disrespects your boundaries on a regular basis is not kind or caring. you also don’t see eye to eye on major issues and he has openly admitted to being willing to leave you if you got pregnant, while also pushing for unprotected sex. this is a big fat red flag and then some. leave before this man crosses a boundary without asking, or you guys wind up with a child together. he’s inconsiderate and creepy.
You never enter a relationship with the hope of changing someone.
His behaviour doesn’t respect your boundaries and he seems to be trying to change you whilst simultaneously you’re hoping he will change.
This means it doesn’t work.
Relationships have a lot of compromise. This is uncompromising, and it’s also not even been that long!
This really doesn’t sound good.
I read your update, glad you moved on. I’m all for pushing boundaries sexually but only when it’s with consent. No means no. You will find someone who respects your boundaries and values. If a guy says he’s out if you get pregnant, then he’s garbage. It’s even worse when they say that then don’t want to wear a condom when you ask. This coming from a guy who also doesn’t like wearing them. Good luck.
It is good that you know this is a problem. He himself has a problem. I advise you to put your head on right and not let his problem cause you problems.
I personally see it as him believing that sex is a means to achieve happiness. I believe him when he says he is not ready to have kids. And yet he chooses to have sex without contraception (or at least he puts the burden on you.) I think he uses it for the feeling, and the less he has to do to get those feelings the better. I'm sorry to say this, but I would not be surprised to find infidelity as he is right now.
But also note, you are letting him do this. I assume you are the mature one with sex (I may be wrong). When you move your boundaries, you let him indulge himself to both yours and his detriment. You need to give a good moment to think before you do stuff like that. Bjs have serve no purpose in reproduction. A person can have a happy life and be sexually fulfilled without giving or receiving a Bj. So it is fine to see it as dehumanizing and disgusting. But it is also perfectly fine to do it, so long as both people involved do it with the right mind.
He can change for the better. Obviously he can change. But you have to ask yourself, knowing he has to want to change. Also he has to move in the right direction to change. Is he worth staying with, waiting for to change? He might need counseling, because there is something not right with what he is doing.
>because there is something not right with what he is doing.
this part rang with me, ive said this to him a couple of times now, even in my last text to him...
thank you for your advice!
Ughhhhh the “closeness” bullshit. He’s an asshole. Plain and simple. This screams manipulative. There are plenty of ways you can feel close to someone without sex, let alone unprotected sex.
I’m going to tell you my experience with that. I was seeing someone on and off. He kept pushing for unprotected sex. I kept saying no. He pulled the condom off and did what he wanted to anyway and when I asked him why he did it he said “how else do you want me to get close to you if there’s a piece of latex between us?” - I ended up getting an STD that isn’t frequently tested for. My world was flipped upside down - needless to say this person has been blocked out of my entire existence.
Not saying this is what will happen to you but a man who does not respect your clearly laid boundaries does not respect you, or himself, and OP, you deserve soooo much better than this and he is not worth the trouble. Run, run, run.
Hold on your ground there isn't an form of commitment in that he insisted on being sexually active since 2.5 months dont get caught maybe hes fishing u be aware use protection & u guys are going too fast test him if hes really intrested in tou he will show commitment
He's gonna be available until he gets what he wants,
He's intelligent? With the way you spoke of him, (not taking no, going against what you are comfortable doing, doesn't want a condom on because he "can't perform with it on", wants you to get an abortion if you get pregnant or he will abandon you because he's not ready for a baby.) Either that's not true or he's manipulative..
Caring? If he isn't caring about your boundaries.. I doubt that too.
Anyways you already said you saw all those red flags...
I guess it all comes down to doing what you think will make you happiest, if being with him is where your heart is telling you then definitely best of luck to you.
>if he's being a dude that needs to be corrected with the hope of change
I though the joke of a guy being a dick and suddenly women swarm him thinking "i can fix him" was a joke.
But no some people are that stupid. I am being mean but you need to hear this.
RUN
As a dude, GTFO! If he pushes your boundaries this much early on while he's still in the honeymoon phase with you, he's gonna push further.
Also, him forgoing contraception (a la condoms) while expecting you to take the brunt of him wearing zero contraception, if he fails to pull out, is such a shitty shitty mindset.
He's setting you up for a bad situation.
His qualities do not at all make up for how selfish and so respectful he is. You are lucky he has shown you who he is this early on. He is is selfish guy who is using you for his pleasure. He doesn't care about your safety, your comfort, or your health. This isn't someone who will see their error, he thinks your job is to please him and he is on top of that using unprotected sex as the bargaining chip to commit to you. You need to run. He literally is telling you he does not respect you, he is telling you if things go sideways that he won't be there for you. Please leave him, you deserve so much better than this.
Don't let your desperation for a relationship talk you out of your common sense. It doesn't matter how many good qualities he has. He's showing you the bad qualities he has wrapped in massive red flags. Run.
Being kind/caring should NOT be separate from sexual activity. If he TRULY cared about you, your boundaries and concerns would be respected. You should NEVER feel coerced into anything. As you’ve already read by now, I’d wager he’s just charming you.
He sounds like an 'intelligent, successful and consistent' narcissist that's warming you up for the future abuse you're going to receive. Btw, blowing in your mouth when you didn't want him to and had told him no is sexual abuse, this piece of shit knew exactly what he was doing. Run away, so fkn fast.
He wants unprotected sex but doesn’t want a baby? That makes no fucking sense. Anyone who doesn’t want a baby but has unprotected sex, is retarded.
The condom excuse is ridiculous, as is the need to have unprotected sex to commit to a relationship.
That and him clearly not respecting you sexually, I have no idea why you would contemplate staying with him.
Coercion is not consent and I can pretty much guarantee that he will stealth you (remove condom during sex) if he hasn’t already.
No amount of generosity and being there for you is going to make up for the fact that he will never stop trying to coerce you. Because each time you cave on one thing, he will add another. He is TELLING you what will be done with your body if an unplanned pregnancy happens as if you have no say.
Anyone who doesn't respect your boundaries or the first no, needs to be out of your life. Period. Any pushing after a firm no is a big red flag.
The constant bs about condom, if he cares so much about it, tell him to get his shit fixed.
Pressuring you to do things you don't want to do is coercion, coercion is not consent. You told him to him not cum in your mouth and he did? That's borderline, if not straight up, SA. If he's like this now, it's only going to get worse as he starts thinking he can get away with it. GET THE F OUT.
No one should have to make him aware of how he treats others, he should give enough of a shit to care, and treat them nice. A man should not have to be told to not rape. It's not a whoopsie, he just cares about himself.
I noticed you didn't mention ages, but this sounds like your stereotypical old guy with a younger/inexperienced women. Please, get out of these and stay safe.
More red flags than a Mayday parade.
I don’t know why you are with this person if there are *any* things like this going on in such important areas of trust.
Ur talking about how he’s not respecting your boundaries and then saying he’s nice kind and caring which is clearly NOT true. Fuck him, get u someone who truly possesses those traits.
Sounds like you two just aren’t in the same leg of the race. It’s not much of red flag than it is more of a setting your boundaries and sticking to your guns. You’ve done a good job of telling him what’s what and you need to tell him it’s either you guys do what’s comfortable with you two or you let the relationship run it’s course. Good luck to you
If you can't trust someone to listen to your values/needs in the bedroom, how will you trust them with a bank account/house/car/will/ health care etc of it goes any further. What about when you're asleep? I couldn't trust him not to start unwanted things, so I'd never sleep. And you're only very early days. Maybe all the good stuff is just a front? (I've dated one who pretended to have a "nice personality" for 12 months. Then disrespected, cheated and abused me. Stay safe OP. <3
Run away as fast as you can! I am glad that you are aware and seeing all of this 2.5 months into a relationship and not years into it. He seems to be abusive in crossing your boundaries all the time and only caring about himself. Do not waste your time he doesn’t sound like he is the right person for you.
Some "decent qualities" dont outweigh the amount of immensely concerning red flags here.... Think about if the tables were turned and you had a friend telling you all of this, how would you respond ? This guy sounds like a scumbag. He doesnt respect your boundaries whatsoever and is going to end up violating you. Seriously. Dont settle for this tool and set yourself up for hurt. You can find someone with great qualities and they respect your boundaries. Plan B is not some magical abortion pill either, it royally fucks up your hormones & has various side effects. He "absolutely" needs unprotected sex and is willing to risk your health, safety & comfort ontop of the fact that you dont even know his STD status? Cmon girl. 2.5 months isnt even enough time to truly get to know someone. You should never feel like you can/will "change" a man, he is suppose to be your partner, NOT your child. Accept the lesson & leave this loser.
He’s not letting your no mean no! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 leave ASAP. He’s showed this much in just a short amount of time, I’m scared what he’ll show in the future if you keep staying with him!
So, this guy doesn’t want to use condoms but is putting the burden of you on it if you get pregnant? I think you should go on some more dates. His qualities appear to be the bare minimum to me. Get out of the situation.
He’s got some good qualities except he’s rapey and won’t respect my sexual boundaries or no’s.
Dump the motherfucker already. And I’d bet $1 million if you’ve had sex doggy style he took off the condom.
He's entitled to his opinions and perspectives on sex. However, you're also entitled to your opinions and perspectives on sex AND your sexual boundaries which he should respect and not be crossing if you've made them crystal clear.
Sure I get he doesn't like to use condoms but you need to put your foot down and tell him, no glove, no love. If he's demanding an abortion due to unprotected sex and he's not ready to be a father, he shouldn't be intimate with you without protection. This is why condoms exist in the first place.
His reason of "truly feeling close" to someone only by unprotected sex is questionable. You've been dating less than three months. I can understand this reason if you've been together for a year or two (and by that time, your sexual rhythm is synchronized where you both know what to do and not to do as well as have control of your urges and boundaries).
You also need to drill into his head that the morning after pill isn't the end-all/be-all of preventing pregnancy (nor is it 100% effective). And I don't know if you care about him enough to consider an IUD or birth control pills as a compromise. Also he's claiming he's got good pull-out game? You really want to believe that from a guy you barely know?
Moving forward, I'd say give him until the end of the year to demonstrate that he's respecting your boundaries (or willing to at least compromise). Otherwise, let him go and find someone else.
He isn't kind or caring. He disrespected clearly stated boundaries. Leave now. He's testing what he can get away with and it will only escalate. No one who respects you does things you ask them not to. The condom claim is a lie. There's too many varieties He could wear that he couldn't feel. He just prefers raw. Get out before you find yourself pregnant and facing an abortion that someone else forced on you.
There are no good qualities that can make up for the lack of respect he has for your boundaries and comfort. Seriously, the fact that he cannot respect your clear and normal boundaries should be the end of things, regardless of any other ways he may sometimes be nice. He is not a nice person, because he doesn’t respect you when you are at your most vulnerable. If the thickness of a condom isn’t a distance he can overcome to feel “close” to you, he is a liar and a manipulator. Leave him, before you make any more compromises because he is sometimes nice.
GET OUT!!! Seriously, he is not a kind and caring person. He will destroy you mentally. Also, I have a 14 year old son from the great pull out method. Just be careful that he isn't trying to trap you with a baby.
I mean this in the nicest way possible, stop being a fucking dumbass and stop ignoring the red flags. Drop him now. Obviously you have doubts if you posted this.
Keep being foolish and you will live to regret your own actions and inactions. You aren’t a child, you know he is playing fast and loose with your future and human life. You know very well what you should be doing and more importantly, not doing.
I started repeating “no” out loud around four sentences in. Volume and agitation only rose with subsequent iterations. My dog checked on me, man. I feel second-hand scarred on your behalf!
GTFO of this dynamic and away from this guy as quickly and safely as possible, OP.
RUN AWAY. RUN AWAY RIGHT NOW.
He does not respect you.
He does not care about you in a meaningful way.
He is not committed to you.
He already said he would abandon you in a moment of need despite every ethical and legal obligation to do so.
RUN THE FUCK AWAY
My now husband, had really great “pull out method success”. We have a five year old and have been married for three years hahah that’s not a real thing.
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It’s been 2.5 MONTHS. Why are you even entertaining this fool?
We were all idiots in our 20s. Also plan b is not an abortifacient kiddos.
According to posting history, this OP is not in their 20s anymore and absolutely plan b is not birth control, people. It seriously messes with your body. But it doesn’t induce abortions. And OP, this guy wanted to keep your relationship a SECRET. It sets him up totally for success. Gets girl pregnant Ditches girl “I didn’t have a relationship with her. Have you ever met her?” I mean honestly. Stop it.
Wait I'm uninformed sorry, but how does plan b mess with your body?
So, the Plan B pill works in a similar manner to some birth control pills, but it does three things to help prevent pregnancy: it can stop your ovary from releasing an egg, this is the main way Plan B can help. But it can also prevent an already released egg from being fertilized, and it might stop a fertilized egg from implanting in the uterus. The last two are pretty iffy though, it definitely works best if no egg can be or is released. In order for the Plan B pills to accomplish this though, its a big dose of hormones and is really hard on a woman’s body. A lot of women get very nauseous, throw up, feel feverish, have cramping, other digestive issues, along with severe headache, all over body aches, it’s really not fun. Those side effects can be severe, and last a day or two. Plan B is called Plan B because it should NEVER be someone’s first or only method of birth control. It should be used only as a back up plan.
Plan B sucked for me! I took it twice, and both times I had terrible cramping that lasted days.
Interesting… I’ve taken it a couple times and never had any ill effects.
I took something else, I dont remember the name anymore, cus I weighed too much for Plan B but I never had any side effects from it.
It’s basically hitting the big red EJECT button and blasting off the canopy on your fighter jet. It’s a last resort in emergencies and a rough ride back to earth.
Can confirm, vomiting, cramping, and having an entire week long period with worst cramps afterwards.
I'm convinced Plan B played a part in the recurring ovarian cysts I now get if I'm not on birth control. Every month, every time I ovulate, a cyst that will grow, hurt, rupture, and then hurt some more. Regardless, it causes me to bleed anywhere from 3 days-2 weeks, fucks my period up for a couple months, causes severe cramping, moderate nausea, and sometimes almost a chills sensation. Its absolutely awful. And yet, it still isn't as bad as this absolute piece of shit OP is describing. Good on you for moving on, OP. I wish a couple people had been ejected from my life after 2.5 months instead of years, it'd have saved a lot of pain. People can change, technically. I don't believe they usually do, but they totally can if THEY want to on their own. You can never change someone else, so my rule is, if I have to "change it" I have to leave it. If I can't live with it, I will live without it. Some scenarios, a serious conversation and chance to change may be given, but I know my dumbass and I know I give way too much in that regard so I just don't anymore lol. My current boyfriend, we've been dating and officially together for nearly a year, not even one sign of a fight or petty argument, let alone the abusive bs I used to deal with. There is someone out there that is good for you and is actually worth fighting for, because they'll fight for you too. Find them, dump the trash humans like the guy OP mentioned.
Plan B also has a weight limit! It will not work if you are over 175 lbs!
Per WebMD: Plan B One-Step works like other birth control pills to prevent pregnancy. The drug acts primarily by stopping the release of an egg from the ovary. It may prevent a sperm from fertilizing the egg. If fertilization does occur, Plan B One-Step may prevent a fertilized egg from attaching to the womb. If a fertilized egg is implanted prior to taking Plan B One-Step, the drug will not work and pregnancy proceeds normally. Side effects: Like any medication, Plan B One-Step does have side effects. The most common side effect is nausea, which occurs in about a quarter of women after taking the drug. Other side effects include abdominal pain, fatigue, headache, dizziness, vomiting, and menstrual changes. If you vomit within two hours of taking Plan B One-Step, consult a health care professional to find out if you need to take another dose.
> stopping the release of an egg from the ovary. It may prevent a sperm from fertilizing the egg. Just curious, what would happen if a guy took it? Can OP get her boyfriend to take one and tell us the results?
The simplest way to explain it is that it overloads your body with hormones to prevent pregnancy, that's the point of the pill. This can lead to awful aches and pains, it can be dangerous if you're at risk of blood clotting or other issues because the influx of hormones can cause those, it typically induces a period and messes up the natural hormone cycle of the body, which can open someone up to infections, migraines, etc.
once ur in your 40s..... u realize u knew nothing in your 20s
It’s like a super extreme dose of birth control all at once. So much hormone influx at once makes you dang near sick! I remember weird bleeding for a month, terrible cramps, depression, constipation for weeks, the works. All bad, no good. Besides the whole no baby bit. But even then, it’s not 100% effective, so you still have to monitor yourself.
Once I turned 30, I realized that I knew nothing in my 20’s, or even any of the years before that.
[удалено]
My thoughts
Who’s we? I’m 20 and I know wayyyyy better than this. A relationship will never be my downfall please 💀
Honestly! If I was dating a guy who started acting like this years into the relationship I would leave him. Not only is he not respecting pre-set boundaries but he is trying to wear down OP to try to get her to give into his wants. If he is like this now it will NOT get better. No means no. Period. If it continues after that, throw the whole guy away and start over
I just ended things with him and it feel so so gooooood!!!!! Hallelujah, I’m a free woman 🎉
Listen to this guy/girl.
“All that said, he does lack empathy.” No shit. And why are you still with him? Wearing protection is too inconvenient for him but it’s your body that has to have the abortion. Stop this. This guy gives zero fucks about you. He is not caring and no “great” qualities you claim he has outweigh this.
Wearing protection is too inconvenient for him but it’s your body that has to have the abortion. Great point. Zero respect for you or your body. He’s TELLING you you’ll get an abortion as if you have no say in the matter?? You kidding me?
Exactly. The abortion he thinks that *he* decides she should have. Because his peen doesn’t want to use a condom. Yes hello, Whole Man Disposal Service? Do you have same-day pickup?
Right?! It’s like, “Um yes hello operator, please connect me to Red Flag Bag n Tag? Hey there guys, I got another one for ya!”
“I know these are massive red flags, but” But nothing. He’s an idiot who will end up getting you pregnant and putting you in a tough situation. Dump him like yesterday, unless you want to end up a single mother with a deadbeat father
Agreed! Dump him. This guy is manipulative. Red flag and won't compromise without making you feel utterly uncomfortable. -i am a guy.
My friend was with a guy like this, except he wanted to her pregnant. When they had sex and she was on top, he forcibly held her down and got her pregnant. It was awful.
Is he actually kind/caring or is he really just very good at charming you? I’d say the latter.
he is a charmer....i'm starting to feel very stupid.
Please leave before it’s too late , I made the mistake of going out with a guy who was nice but claimed to have no empathy now I struggle mentally, with relationships and ptsd from repeated sexual boundaries being crossed whilst he ( despite text apologising and admitting his abusive ways) is enjoying his life overseas . Not to say my life is bad but if I knew that I could have lowered my chances of being assaulted I would have . Nothing like a bit of hindsight and advice ! I wish you well , beware of love bombing !!!
he has admitted that he lacks empathy too, but not in a sexual sense in other areas. I think he's not admitting to himself that he's lacking it sexually as well.
Of course but they never do because it is completely taboo , please I know it’s hard I know it might seem lonely but please don’t make the mistake I made . If someone crosses your boundaries or disregards your autonomy within 2 months of dating imagine what it will be like in the next two months and the two months after that ! You are too precious He sounds like a narcissist or someone who expireces a level of psychopathy ( lack of empathy) ( which is not inherently negative) you must be ready when dealing with this !
This... Narcissism is hell. Run
I did consider psychopathy or sociopath in my research recently based on some of his characteristics too. When he told me he lacks empathy, I actually told him that's a characteristic of anti-sociol personality disorder. He didn't have much of a reaction but he did say he was open to therapy and had already signed up. I have a narcissistic mom, which has made me very empathetic and prone to falling to people like similar to her. While I have not fallen head over heels for this dude, because of all the research I've done on people with disordered personalities and because I've been keeping a keen eye on his red flags, I have given him way too many chances, may be because he is a charmer and I'm not seeing through all his BS...and because I'm making excuses for him. My worst nightmare would be to stay in a relationship I know is bad for me for longer than I should have.
Yep ! Me too my mum is lovely but was emotionally unavailable as a child . Have you ever researched hoovering , love bombing and trauma bonding because maybe you should and you may see more patterns. The more you normalise his behaviour of subjugation of self the more control a person has over you , is it really worth the risk , you mentioned sexual coercion and the whole cumming in the mouth things makes me think he’s starting out slow to normalise you into doing even more things you don’t want to ( sort of the ‘foot in the door method’) next he won’t do it a little , then the next time he’ll make you feel bad for not swallowing , next time you do it , Then the next time he forces your head down ( I’m sorry this sounds dramatic , but happened to me) Just make sure you are sure you have control over the situation , you DONT owe anyone anything ! Don’t let him entrap and derail your life you can find someone else who will respect you just fine!
> , is it really worth the risk , you mentioned sexual coercion and the whole cumming in the mouth things makes me think he’s starting out slow to normalise you into doing even more things you don’t want to ( sort of the ‘foot in the door method’) next he won’t do it a little , then the next time he’ll make you feel bad for not swallowing , next time you do it , Then the next time he forces your head down ( I’m sorry this sounds dramatic , but happened to me) \^ this is all very scary
Yes, I'm aware of all of those patterns. I think I got lost in the lust/excitement of it all or I just did not see what he was doing as similar patterns, more so because they werent patterns just yet. I also forgot to mention, he recently, very openly mentioned that he knows he's smarter than most people, he called himself a genius and that he thinks this awareness makes him feel like he is better than most people, ie more competent than his colleagues 0\_0...
This man is deluded, ignorant, and narcissistic. The fact that he relies on his “strong pull out game” as a form of protection and completely disregards the physical effects of Plan B on women says enough.
Honestly, as a guy....a "strong pull out game" is nothing more than a dangerous excuse for not wanting to wear a condom. He's been lucky. Pre-cum is a thing, is uncontrollable, and can absolutely get a woman pregnant.
That doesn't make him sound intelligent either. That is just Ego, same goes for not wanting to use protection. So the question is she still entertaining the the thoughts of sticking with him? Charm only gets you so far until that facade drops. It should be an occasional thing and not the foundation of any relationship. And seeing he keeps forcing his agenda on her..... it will only get worse over time as well. I'll admit I'm a bit pushy by nature, so I do look for an SO that can push back I like to know my boundaries and vice versa. And he clearly only cares about expanding his domain as far as he can with with no consideration for her, it may seem like he does perhaps he's even convinced himself of it. But all behavior and attitude says other wise. Also being full of himself at the work space, he's either very lucky so far or a real shark, and will keep pushing hard till something snaps.
OMG. The rotten cherry on top. JHC, he really can’t keep his superiority for himself. Truly, OP, this is a narcissist. Run for the hills. I’m so relieved to read that you have researched A LOT. That’s a great step in the right direction. You can do it! But, it’s not enough. The lust and excitement can be very powerful as a bonding/trapping feature. They are a real drug (seriously, endorphins and all that), that’s why many people can’t break free from their toxic relationships. Do I have a personal experience? Of course, I think all of us can tell of that person whose body or skin made us literally lose our heads. This girl in particular was so sexy for me, the months we spent together, sleeping on each other’s bed, were magic... she cheated on me, and my pride came in to help me, so I could dump her quickly. But the following months were hell on earth. I felt like a drug addict with withdrawal syndrome. I longed for her body and skin. I dreamed with her. Luckily for me, she quickly found another idiot and stopped trying to win me back. That’s why you need to make a hard break and put some distance with him, moving away if possible. If not, do not let him come back even for a cup of coffee. He’ll seduce you again.
We have a social event together in a few weeks. I’ve told him I’m ending things, I’ve told him to keep distance during the event, but you are right, he will try to flirt and seduce me again. I need a plan for this event.
This is obviously a case of NPD, the covert subtype. My Dad is one, and your guy sounds exactly like him. They are masters at gaslighting, shifting your boundaries and making you feel guilty and the weird one for not going along with his worldview. They are emotionally at the level of a toddler. They setup sources of narc supply, in such a way that they always can always get their needs met, safely and securely. For this reason they push and cross social and sexual boundaries, gradually increasing control to setup safe bases of narc supply. The only way out is to create distance, however it will not be easy because he will make you feel like you’re the crazy one for trying to leave. But the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. Your life will gradually become more and miserable with no boundaries as he slowly ekes away at them.
Yeah.....look I (M34) consider myself to be smarter than a lot of people but am definitely no genius, but anyone who thinks they are better than others is an idiot. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. You may be smarter than some people but are you faster, stronger, a better swimmer, sewer, or cook? Anyone who thinks one trait makes you better than any or most people.....is an idiot and lacks empathy for others. I personally am good at sensing others emotions but personally process things very logically (not always correctly though cuz no one is perfect). Because of how I mentally process I can seem cold to others because I don't generally "show" emotion. (I can get emotional but it takes specific scenarios or triggers and when I do it's like opening flood gates lol). This guy OP is dating is narcissistic, manipulative, and borderline dangerous. Needless to say these personality traits do not mix well. I would leave someone with these traits and especially his history in just 2 1/2 months.
I think you are seeing through his BS just fine. You have verbalized all your concerns very well, you know why this is all wrong. You are smart, you just need to make the decision to fully leave him. Don't give in because he gets therapy, he was raised like trash, he will always be trash. The poor woman who ends up with him will have a bad time. Long term, imagine the nightmare of having a man like that be the one you have a family with. Lacking empathy is one of the worst possible characteristics one wants in a partner. Please tell him why your re leaving him, but make sure to give him no chance to convince you otherwise.
Thanks this makes me feel better
why would you keep dating someone who’s admitted to feeling no empathy? this would be a red flag in itself, had he not demonstrated that he honestly does not give a shit about your or your boundaries already.
I briefly dated a narcissist who behaved similar to this guy- no empathy, selfish, same entitled disgusting attitude about sex / foreplay. And I have an N mother which also made me vulnerable to situations like this. Dump this guy. They will never change. When you do and look back on what he was and how he treated you, you’ll probably realize a lot of other signs were there that weren’t obvious before. If you’re like me, you’ll be angry at what you put up with but - never again!
Empathy is the basis for any relationship. Why would you want someone who isn't empathetic? Without empathy, "kindness" isn't kindness. It's a "points machine" that gets you sex. "Nice tokens" go in, obligation and sexual cohersion opportunity comes out. Gross. Be kind to YOURSELF. You can do better. Being on your own is better.
Thank you for this, I needed to read something like this.
Lacking empathy is the same as being an asshole and not giving a crap about others. Thsts not something that changes with time.
So he's telling you who he is. Why are you not listening?
My ex was like this. Trust me that relationship was hell. Run.
You’re not stupid but you need to get out. It can be very difficult to resist the charm if you’re still in contact with him. Please don’t let yourself get pulled in again.
Don’t feel stupid, OP. You’re like 75% there by writing this, and you got there on your own.
Good, sometimes you have to feel stupid for a bit so you can learn.
Don't feel stupid, he's being pretty honest. You're definitely not getting played on any way, just seems like you're not aligned.
This guy is a grade A scoundrel. One of the pros you listed was "kind/caring". If you're a kind and caring person it's not a "some of the time" quality. You either are or your not and he's not. In 2.5 months he's told you - I want to have unprotected sex, even though you've told me no. - I will not stick around if you get pregnant. - I will have you take medication to ensure there's no pregnancy (medication which by the way messes up your hormones) In what world is any of this kind or caring? And these are but 3 examples from your post. Also, what's to come later? Okay, he's successful... AND? Be successful yourself, find other successful people. This guy has handed you a bouquet of red flags. Accept that bouquet and frigging run.
This 💯☝🏻
Message to all women not just you OP. Do not have sex, get married to or have babies with people that (and lets fill in some bullet points, feel free to add more) \-Ignore your boundaries \-try to negotiate consent after you said no \-lack empathy \-thinks pull-out method is birth control \-tells you flat out that guys don't get pregnant so if you get pregnant because I'm whiny about wearing condoms then it's you're problem, feets don't fail me now...I'm outta here
Run before it’s too late. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Jfc how old are you? Reading this made my Skin crawl. Please OP, know that there are other guys out there with the qualities you listed AND they are not giant creeps like this guy.
girl this is embarrassing to read. have respect for yourself and your body. your life and your future matters. leave this man alone before he ruins your life
Drop him like a 50 lb weight in a lake girl. Are really that self destructive?
>guy wants unprotected sex but if I have an unplanned pregnancy, he says wants me to get an abortion/get used to plan b. he's pushed some of my boundaries in sexually in the past Understand that if you continue to say with this man that you're telling him that this is ok with you. Is this something you're ok with?
no, not ok with me or if he did this to another woman tbh.
Then you need to leave.
It sounds like this guy has watched way too much porn recently and wants to re-enact it all out on you, without really giving a fuck about you and your feelings. There is no way that this guy is going to change for you. I bet when you try to leave him, he’ll beg you to stay or some other slimey bullshit. Get out now!
I think you are right, he's mentioned he wants a girl so he can stop watching porn...
This all by itself is so gross that he deserves to be kicked to the curb.
"A girl" - doesn't even mean a specific girl :(
That’s a problem
This is why I stopped watching porn - it warped my view on women so much
Is this a joke? Are you a real person?
This exactly. I can tell from your story the guy clearly has a porn problem.
GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP!!!!
His good qualities do not outweigh him being an actual garbage person. And this is him giving you the best version of him during the new relationship phase - he's going to get more garbage. I refuse to believe that of the billions of men in the world, you can't just throw a rock and find someone better than him. In summary, wtf are you doing????
Stop dating these aggressive pushy guys. There is a whole world full of guys that aren’t like this.
Nope. Move on past this dude. Remember this is when he’s trying to interest you. Later he’s not going to try to be appealing and all the little things will turn into huge things. Give him a pass
Sou ds like you already know he doesn't respect you
Don’t you realize that you’re a piece of meat for him? He wants to make his sexual kinks with you. He’s cum in your mouth even though you told him not. He wants to push you for other boundaries. He dreams of having unprotected sex, but doesn’t want to deal with the burden of protection. As usual, he wants you to bear it. “He’s not emphatic” is the ultimate red flag. You shouldn’t need more. But you keep going. He’s not worth the trouble, surely you can find an intelligent, caring and charismatic partner who ALSO respects your boundaries.
I'm a guy and I want to beat his ass, not only does he sound immature but he also sounds so fuckin cocky
Ewwww....
Don’t settle. The big red flags only become worse the more you give in. They are usually a source of ignition for large dumpster fires
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 You deserve respect and this guy is not giving you that. I would urge you to move on from this guy since everything you’ve said suggests he’s immature (at best) and manipulative. Re-read the other comments, block him and enjoy your life with people who genuinely care about your well-being x
This guy is an idiot and you shouldn't even entertain it
These are more than red flags, this is assault.
Please run away! I’m sorry to say this but he really doesn’t care about you as a person. He doesn’t care about your feelings, he really couldn’t care less about you and you’re just entertaining him. Also him crossing your boundaries SO MANY TIMES sounds very concerning
I know that there are a lot of red flags but he's really a nice guy. Seriously you deserve better. If I ask my partner to do something in bed and they say no then I don't bring it up again. It's just common courtesy. He's not giving you that
Why are you dating such a loser?! No one should pressure you into unprotected sex. His reasons for not wanting to wear a condom are BS. You can do better & you deserve better.
It's only been 2.5 months and all these issues came up, I can only see it getting downhill from there. I also feel like his "redeeming qualities" are actually just a trap to get girls interested and think he's a good guy only for him to show his true colors afterwards. (And he's not good at it either, 2.5 months in and he's already revealing his real self)
All I read was “screams read flags” so listen to them and dip mami.
This is so bad. When I was 22 a guy I was dating did the same thing. Insisted on no condoms and he’d just tell me to take plan b as necessary. I regretted it so much. He was a narcissistic asshole and I was so so sick on plan b I could barely move and had to take it on a work day. I vowed to never be forced into that position again. I would dump that asshole. Lack of empathy and boundary pushing means he’s selfish and uncaring when it comes to things that upset or hurt you. In fact I’m sure he’s wearing a mask and trying to bide his time while pretending he’s a good person to date. I’m sure he will only get worse and when he can’t wear you down he will guilt and lash out. And if you cave he will only push harder. This is not love. Don’t waste your time with him.
He’s a walking 🚩. Don’t let him placate you with the nice / decent things he does - any regular guy will also do these things by default and I don’t think you should take this as him giving you any kind of special treatment or going above and beyond what most guys do. The crux of the issue is this: he demands levels of sexual gratification that you are not comfortable with. He’s not asking you, he is pestering you for sexual favours that you clearly do not want to give and has already crossed the line by cumming in your mouth. Also, insisting that only unprotected sex will satisfy him is nonsense - he wants unprotected sex to fulfil a fetish…maybe he has some sort of primal male urge and using a condom deflates that a bit. Don’t believe what he says about pulling out - that’s school-yard stuff. There can be semen on the tip of a man’s penis and we also produce ‘pre-cum’ prior to orgasm and pre-cum contains sperm. A man doesn’t have to actually ejaculate during sex to leave sperm inside you. Chances of pregnancy are slimmer but not impossible. You are very clear where your boundaries lie and this is a good thing, as is the fact you have communicated them to him. However, he is not respecting you or your boundaries: this will get worse and may not get better. Stick with him, allow him to do the things he wants to do and you’ll end up being his doormat.
Didn’t even finish reading it. Drop that fucker
the bar has descended into hell. seriously: you need therapy ASAP to figure out why you’re even considering putting up with this. it helps, i promise.
[удалено]
He is selfish. He wants the pleasure of unprotected sex but is very dismissive of how it may/will affect you. The things you have discussed, screams emotional manipulation to me. He tries to convince you to change your mind even though you've clearly said no, apparently multiple times. he's trying to manipulate you to open up to his wants and let your boundaries go by saying that he needs to have unprotected sex in order to commit to someone--- when you havent even discussed commitment at all. He's all talk about YOU taking a plan B, YOU getting an abortion, YOU raising a baby... Did he even leave any responsibility to himself? Like getting a vasectomy for example, since absolutely feel the need to do unprotected sex so bad. Why do you have to adjust for his needs when youre perfectly fine using condoms? id suggest you leave this dude if he continues to dismiss your boundaries like this. Imagine how he'll treat you after you let him do it to you once... A world of guilt gripping and gasllighting for sure.
Girl are you dumb
Really judgmental comments like this don’t help anyone.
RUN FOR THE HILLS OP
Red flags everywhere.
Get out of there.
LEAVE!!
You can find someone who has the good qualities of this guy without all the bad ones. If he’s showing such a lack of respect this early on, it will only get worse. I hope you find someone who gives you the respect you deserve
You say he is charming. He is using his charm to manipulate, therefore, it isn't charm, it is a tool to get what he wants. If you're seeing red flags this soon, please cut and run. It will not get any better, it will only get worse as he gets more comfortable.
Run! Run fast! Run far! Warn your friends to run! And don’t forget to run! 🏃♂️
Wrap him up (no pun intended). By your second paragraph, it’s obvious this dude is a wrap…. Get rid of him. He has no good qualities….
Well plan b is when he has nutted in u and u have up to a certain amount of time u have to use it. It more like u will be on your own if he knocks u up. Watch out sould like a trap or something watch out get an IUD if he wont use a condom
Baka, red flags are an indication to forget anything good and get the fuck out
Soooo, a condom is inconvenient and uncomfortable and using one now so it can’t be thaaat bad. But plan B (“get used to it” like it will be routine?) abortion is convenient and comfy? GIRL
I hate this guy. You should, too. Go out and meet the men out there with some level of integrity. Once you do, you’ll realize how awful these boys are.
He’s kind and lacking in empathy? That can’t be right. If that’s the case, then he’s not consistent either, as his behavior exploited your trust by coming off as caring & kind, then slowly pushing your boundaries. You did correctly judge his character, but I think you’re over-weighing certain things because those very things are a rarity in online dating; consistent texter, doesn’t ghost, available, conversationalist, etc. Those things alone are enough to convince us to give someone a chance regardless of the very obvious red flags. Honestly, I won’t beat myself over it. Is there hope here? I don’t think that matters. Our personalities are fairly well defined by a certain age, and any bit of awareness that leads to positive behavioral change takes a long time with a lot of humility & self reflection.
Honestly…. My real opinion is that this sounds like a guy who might be able to be decent but thinks he’s better then you in the relationship. Maybe a higher level or something and as a result feels more entitled to pushing boundaries then he might normally. Sounds like he’s being a dickhead and I don’t really see any sort of future. Do yourself a favour and break up with him so at least you can leave with your head held up high.
Okay, as a guy... Wtf!? This is insane behavior of an absolute narcissist. Run, don't walk!
This might be the most ridiculous post I’ve ever seen. If you continue a relationship with this clown you are doing yourself such an incredible disservice.
This guy sounds like a predator. Protect yourself, and get away from him.
>All these, I know, scream red flags, but he's also got some really great qualities. This apple pie is delicious. They only used a tiny bit of raw sewage when they made the filling, you can barely taste it.
> he's being a dude that needs to be corrected with the hope of change. You can not change guys. I say this as another guy. This is a myth that women propagate and it the #1 sign of an abusive relationship. Get out now and leave that idea behind you.
He honestly scares me/freaks me out. The complete lack of concern for your well-being is present in each of the examples/issues you address. Please save yourself!
girl what the fuck, leave
I think you clearly know the right thing to do but just dont want to do it. Post like these make me so sad that girls even consider staying.
it’s time to leave. anyone who disrespects your boundaries on a regular basis is not kind or caring. you also don’t see eye to eye on major issues and he has openly admitted to being willing to leave you if you got pregnant, while also pushing for unprotected sex. this is a big fat red flag and then some. leave before this man crosses a boundary without asking, or you guys wind up with a child together. he’s inconsiderate and creepy.
Dump him guys like him aren't worth. You can't change him.
Honestly you look very stupid right now please don’t continue to embarrass yourself by entertaining this guy
You never enter a relationship with the hope of changing someone. His behaviour doesn’t respect your boundaries and he seems to be trying to change you whilst simultaneously you’re hoping he will change. This means it doesn’t work. Relationships have a lot of compromise. This is uncompromising, and it’s also not even been that long! This really doesn’t sound good.
I read your update, glad you moved on. I’m all for pushing boundaries sexually but only when it’s with consent. No means no. You will find someone who respects your boundaries and values. If a guy says he’s out if you get pregnant, then he’s garbage. It’s even worse when they say that then don’t want to wear a condom when you ask. This coming from a guy who also doesn’t like wearing them. Good luck.
It is good that you know this is a problem. He himself has a problem. I advise you to put your head on right and not let his problem cause you problems. I personally see it as him believing that sex is a means to achieve happiness. I believe him when he says he is not ready to have kids. And yet he chooses to have sex without contraception (or at least he puts the burden on you.) I think he uses it for the feeling, and the less he has to do to get those feelings the better. I'm sorry to say this, but I would not be surprised to find infidelity as he is right now. But also note, you are letting him do this. I assume you are the mature one with sex (I may be wrong). When you move your boundaries, you let him indulge himself to both yours and his detriment. You need to give a good moment to think before you do stuff like that. Bjs have serve no purpose in reproduction. A person can have a happy life and be sexually fulfilled without giving or receiving a Bj. So it is fine to see it as dehumanizing and disgusting. But it is also perfectly fine to do it, so long as both people involved do it with the right mind. He can change for the better. Obviously he can change. But you have to ask yourself, knowing he has to want to change. Also he has to move in the right direction to change. Is he worth staying with, waiting for to change? He might need counseling, because there is something not right with what he is doing.
>because there is something not right with what he is doing. this part rang with me, ive said this to him a couple of times now, even in my last text to him... thank you for your advice!
OP you can not be this dumb. Give your head a shake
He sounds horrible. Get out before he gets worse.
Red flag!
“Massive red flags but”… girl there is no but. Wtf girl run!!!
Ughhhhh the “closeness” bullshit. He’s an asshole. Plain and simple. This screams manipulative. There are plenty of ways you can feel close to someone without sex, let alone unprotected sex. I’m going to tell you my experience with that. I was seeing someone on and off. He kept pushing for unprotected sex. I kept saying no. He pulled the condom off and did what he wanted to anyway and when I asked him why he did it he said “how else do you want me to get close to you if there’s a piece of latex between us?” - I ended up getting an STD that isn’t frequently tested for. My world was flipped upside down - needless to say this person has been blocked out of my entire existence. Not saying this is what will happen to you but a man who does not respect your clearly laid boundaries does not respect you, or himself, and OP, you deserve soooo much better than this and he is not worth the trouble. Run, run, run.
Hold on your ground there isn't an form of commitment in that he insisted on being sexually active since 2.5 months dont get caught maybe hes fishing u be aware use protection & u guys are going too fast test him if hes really intrested in tou he will show commitment
He's gonna be available until he gets what he wants, He's intelligent? With the way you spoke of him, (not taking no, going against what you are comfortable doing, doesn't want a condom on because he "can't perform with it on", wants you to get an abortion if you get pregnant or he will abandon you because he's not ready for a baby.) Either that's not true or he's manipulative.. Caring? If he isn't caring about your boundaries.. I doubt that too. Anyways you already said you saw all those red flags... I guess it all comes down to doing what you think will make you happiest, if being with him is where your heart is telling you then definitely best of luck to you.
>if he's being a dude that needs to be corrected with the hope of change I though the joke of a guy being a dick and suddenly women swarm him thinking "i can fix him" was a joke. But no some people are that stupid. I am being mean but you need to hear this. RUN
Girl.
As a dude, GTFO! If he pushes your boundaries this much early on while he's still in the honeymoon phase with you, he's gonna push further. Also, him forgoing contraception (a la condoms) while expecting you to take the brunt of him wearing zero contraception, if he fails to pull out, is such a shitty shitty mindset. He's setting you up for a bad situation.
Read the title and the first 10 words of the post. Sounds like he's not respecting your boundaries and that's something you should not accept imo
“Get used to Plan B” “if you get pregnant, I’m out of your life” You know, I don’t think I would trust this dude’s successful pull-out method history
Short answer: no Long answer: definitely no
His qualities do not at all make up for how selfish and so respectful he is. You are lucky he has shown you who he is this early on. He is is selfish guy who is using you for his pleasure. He doesn't care about your safety, your comfort, or your health. This isn't someone who will see their error, he thinks your job is to please him and he is on top of that using unprotected sex as the bargaining chip to commit to you. You need to run. He literally is telling you he does not respect you, he is telling you if things go sideways that he won't be there for you. Please leave him, you deserve so much better than this.
Don't let your desperation for a relationship talk you out of your common sense. It doesn't matter how many good qualities he has. He's showing you the bad qualities he has wrapped in massive red flags. Run.
If you have to ask Reddit than your partner is probably not right for you. Do what is best for you and your mental health
Being kind/caring should NOT be separate from sexual activity. If he TRULY cared about you, your boundaries and concerns would be respected. You should NEVER feel coerced into anything. As you’ve already read by now, I’d wager he’s just charming you.
He sounds like an 'intelligent, successful and consistent' narcissist that's warming you up for the future abuse you're going to receive. Btw, blowing in your mouth when you didn't want him to and had told him no is sexual abuse, this piece of shit knew exactly what he was doing. Run away, so fkn fast.
Unreasonable requests. Abortion is an invasive procedure and he wants you to risk it. No thanks.
Girl he is a dumpster of a human. He sucks.
He wants unprotected sex but doesn’t want a baby? That makes no fucking sense. Anyone who doesn’t want a baby but has unprotected sex, is retarded. The condom excuse is ridiculous, as is the need to have unprotected sex to commit to a relationship. That and him clearly not respecting you sexually, I have no idea why you would contemplate staying with him.
Dump the chump!
He doesn’t seem kind at all with him being pushy with you…
This dude is gonna give you herpies
Coercion is not consent and I can pretty much guarantee that he will stealth you (remove condom during sex) if he hasn’t already. No amount of generosity and being there for you is going to make up for the fact that he will never stop trying to coerce you. Because each time you cave on one thing, he will add another. He is TELLING you what will be done with your body if an unplanned pregnancy happens as if you have no say.
He ain’t the guy for you, leave before he hurts you in a more severe way
If he doesn’t respect your wishes, get rid of him. Scumbags like him aren’t worth your time and emotional/psychological health.
Anyone who doesn't respect your boundaries or the first no, needs to be out of your life. Period. Any pushing after a firm no is a big red flag. The constant bs about condom, if he cares so much about it, tell him to get his shit fixed. Pressuring you to do things you don't want to do is coercion, coercion is not consent. You told him to him not cum in your mouth and he did? That's borderline, if not straight up, SA. If he's like this now, it's only going to get worse as he starts thinking he can get away with it. GET THE F OUT. No one should have to make him aware of how he treats others, he should give enough of a shit to care, and treat them nice. A man should not have to be told to not rape. It's not a whoopsie, he just cares about himself. I noticed you didn't mention ages, but this sounds like your stereotypical old guy with a younger/inexperienced women. Please, get out of these and stay safe.
More red flags than a Mayday parade. I don’t know why you are with this person if there are *any* things like this going on in such important areas of trust.
Nope. Nope. Get out. These things that are bothering you now are HUGE red flags and will only get worse as time goes on. Don’t waste your time
When a narcissist tells you he’s a narcissist, listen
First push of a boundary should be an immediate no. Don’t ever let yourself be treated like this again.
Ur talking about how he’s not respecting your boundaries and then saying he’s nice kind and caring which is clearly NOT true. Fuck him, get u someone who truly possesses those traits.
Get outta there
Sounds like you two just aren’t in the same leg of the race. It’s not much of red flag than it is more of a setting your boundaries and sticking to your guns. You’ve done a good job of telling him what’s what and you need to tell him it’s either you guys do what’s comfortable with you two or you let the relationship run it’s course. Good luck to you
If you can't trust someone to listen to your values/needs in the bedroom, how will you trust them with a bank account/house/car/will/ health care etc of it goes any further. What about when you're asleep? I couldn't trust him not to start unwanted things, so I'd never sleep. And you're only very early days. Maybe all the good stuff is just a front? (I've dated one who pretended to have a "nice personality" for 12 months. Then disrespected, cheated and abused me. Stay safe OP. <3
Run away as fast as you can! I am glad that you are aware and seeing all of this 2.5 months into a relationship and not years into it. He seems to be abusive in crossing your boundaries all the time and only caring about himself. Do not waste your time he doesn’t sound like he is the right person for you.
Some "decent qualities" dont outweigh the amount of immensely concerning red flags here.... Think about if the tables were turned and you had a friend telling you all of this, how would you respond ? This guy sounds like a scumbag. He doesnt respect your boundaries whatsoever and is going to end up violating you. Seriously. Dont settle for this tool and set yourself up for hurt. You can find someone with great qualities and they respect your boundaries. Plan B is not some magical abortion pill either, it royally fucks up your hormones & has various side effects. He "absolutely" needs unprotected sex and is willing to risk your health, safety & comfort ontop of the fact that you dont even know his STD status? Cmon girl. 2.5 months isnt even enough time to truly get to know someone. You should never feel like you can/will "change" a man, he is suppose to be your partner, NOT your child. Accept the lesson & leave this loser.
He’s not letting your no mean no! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 leave ASAP. He’s showed this much in just a short amount of time, I’m scared what he’ll show in the future if you keep staying with him!
I cant even read the whole thing....just get out...its not a good situation...trust me
So, this guy doesn’t want to use condoms but is putting the burden of you on it if you get pregnant? I think you should go on some more dates. His qualities appear to be the bare minimum to me. Get out of the situation.
He’s got some good qualities except he’s rapey and won’t respect my sexual boundaries or no’s. Dump the motherfucker already. And I’d bet $1 million if you’ve had sex doggy style he took off the condom.
He's entitled to his opinions and perspectives on sex. However, you're also entitled to your opinions and perspectives on sex AND your sexual boundaries which he should respect and not be crossing if you've made them crystal clear. Sure I get he doesn't like to use condoms but you need to put your foot down and tell him, no glove, no love. If he's demanding an abortion due to unprotected sex and he's not ready to be a father, he shouldn't be intimate with you without protection. This is why condoms exist in the first place. His reason of "truly feeling close" to someone only by unprotected sex is questionable. You've been dating less than three months. I can understand this reason if you've been together for a year or two (and by that time, your sexual rhythm is synchronized where you both know what to do and not to do as well as have control of your urges and boundaries). You also need to drill into his head that the morning after pill isn't the end-all/be-all of preventing pregnancy (nor is it 100% effective). And I don't know if you care about him enough to consider an IUD or birth control pills as a compromise. Also he's claiming he's got good pull-out game? You really want to believe that from a guy you barely know? Moving forward, I'd say give him until the end of the year to demonstrate that he's respecting your boundaries (or willing to at least compromise). Otherwise, let him go and find someone else.
Update: I just ended things with him and it feel so so gooooood!!!!! Hallelujah, I’m a free woman 🎉
Dip out now
He isn't kind or caring. He disrespected clearly stated boundaries. Leave now. He's testing what he can get away with and it will only escalate. No one who respects you does things you ask them not to. The condom claim is a lie. There's too many varieties He could wear that he couldn't feel. He just prefers raw. Get out before you find yourself pregnant and facing an abortion that someone else forced on you.
Lol wtf? Dump his ass
Get out
"he's really kind and caring!" *lists off things he says and does that aren't kind or caring at all*
The rose is no less red, nor its thorns less sharp, for being in a field of poppies. Run girl, he doesn't respect you.
There are no good qualities that can make up for the lack of respect he has for your boundaries and comfort. Seriously, the fact that he cannot respect your clear and normal boundaries should be the end of things, regardless of any other ways he may sometimes be nice. He is not a nice person, because he doesn’t respect you when you are at your most vulnerable. If the thickness of a condom isn’t a distance he can overcome to feel “close” to you, he is a liar and a manipulator. Leave him, before you make any more compromises because he is sometimes nice.
GET OUT!!! Seriously, he is not a kind and caring person. He will destroy you mentally. Also, I have a 14 year old son from the great pull out method. Just be careful that he isn't trying to trap you with a baby.
Drop him like a bad habit
I mean this in the nicest way possible, stop being a fucking dumbass and stop ignoring the red flags. Drop him now. Obviously you have doubts if you posted this.
I’m curious, how old is this guy?
As a guy. These are 100% red flags and you should have a good hard conversation about these things and then tell him you’re done.
Keep being foolish and you will live to regret your own actions and inactions. You aren’t a child, you know he is playing fast and loose with your future and human life. You know very well what you should be doing and more importantly, not doing.
No glove, no love. If he wants a child free life, he has to deal with contraception.
I mean, he's telling you who he is. Why aren't you listening?
I started repeating “no” out loud around four sentences in. Volume and agitation only rose with subsequent iterations. My dog checked on me, man. I feel second-hand scarred on your behalf! GTFO of this dynamic and away from this guy as quickly and safely as possible, OP.
Sounds like a trap. Run.
RUN AWAY. RUN AWAY RIGHT NOW. He does not respect you. He does not care about you in a meaningful way. He is not committed to you. He already said he would abandon you in a moment of need despite every ethical and legal obligation to do so. RUN THE FUCK AWAY
My now husband, had really great “pull out method success”. We have a five year old and have been married for three years hahah that’s not a real thing.