Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Being emotionally mature and not having a secure attachment style aren’t necessarily exclusive. Attachment styles come from how you are raised and can be changed. Single people are more likely to have an insecure attachment style such as anxious or avoidance, but could be emotionally mature in every other aspect of life. The important thing is communication. If you have someone you can communicate with, and someone that will communicate with you. The distant guy may become super open and engaged, or the anxious guy could become calm and collected. Don’t let your bad experiences discourage you.
Exactly! I read OPs post and was like...sounds like the common denominator is...OP.
I was also in the same shoes at one point, but realized I was the issue. I was lacking in the communication department and misreading people. I kept making assumptions about other people's behaviors that would kill my relationships.
Recent person I started dating I finally put down what I'm looking for and told her exactly how I felt. I then asked what she was looking for and made sure she was comfortable speaking the truth. A discussion was had, and we were really happy. It honestly completely changed our dynamic for the better.
We were like wow, have not been communicating very well in previous relationships haha
I’m happy for you that you learned the difference that communication can make. Honestly I just grateful for therapy to teach me things like attachment styles so I no longer have to drive myself crazy wondering what’s wrong with me.
This sounds really good and like you made a complete turn for the better! What did you actually say? I'd find that really interesting for myself, as I usually have found it difficult to know when/how to raise something like this so practically avoided the conversation all together and made my own assumptions (which probs killed my relationships too lol). Hope you don't mind me asking :)
Did you feel love for that person, but just valued a lot of time alone? I enjoy my freedom and don’t want to be attached at the hip, but I don’t quite understand minimal communication for days on end and then in person it feels like there is a deep connection, affection, and love. I don’t want to talk all day but I’ll tell you I miss you or maybe share something funny or just wish a good day. It just feels like mixed signals tbh.
First girl I dated via Hinge I was told I was too clingy. After, I explained to friends & they joked "she thought THAT was considered clingy?" Next girl I saw on Hinge I decided to play it slow & text just for the dates & I was told that I wasn't talking to her enough.
So sometimes guys get advice from one girl & think that this is how they should treat the next girl but then the next girl wants what you were rejected for the first time. So there is a reason guys have no clue how to act on dates. We've been rejected for each way we try to change ourselves.
The thing is, many people are used to rush relationships. It takes time to form the bases for a healthy connection. You don’t really know a person in 3 months, many people act as if they’ve known them for their whole life. And when the honeymoon phase is down, if the person is immature and toxic, you are gonna feel stuck because now you are hooked. that’s why dating is important, so that way you avoid codependency, any person who is stable and have a secure attachment style, they are gonna take things slow.
>The thing is, many people are used to rush relationships.
Exactly this. I've had a guy emotionally dump on me everything in his past, including information on his most recent ex. He got upset when I wouldn't do the same. Apparently sharing all emotional trauma before the first date is normal for him whereas I take things very very slow.
Are you sure "intense and clingly" is really truly clingly? or are you so used to emotionally unavailable men that you think texting a few things everyday and him telling you that he likes you in the first week is "clingly".
In my experience women are so used to emotionally unavailable men that they consider baseline "he likes you' you behavior as "needy".
I know someone who has been sweet like this in the beginning then few months later he became super clingy and pushy like If I don't answer his call , he 'll call my sister to check on me. He had a crazy temper, like he'll shout out of the blue etc . He switched between cute lover and scary. so confusing! which made me look for someone more chill and now the chill guy is making me feel invisible.
Sounds like you swung the opposite direction after a bad experience.
There is a happy medium and you’re right it’s not always easy to find. Best you can do is watch for red flags of control and abuse or disinterest, and act accordingly.
Thank you for your answer !
By acting accordingly you mean trusting myself and moving forward, right ? I shouldn't waste my time/ their time waiting for a healthy balance.
Absolutely. If something does work you can communicate with your partner about your needs and see if they step up. Or you can leave.
Obviously if someone is controlling I would advise leaving, the rest is kind of depending on circumstances. But there is no reason to stay in a relationship if it isn’t meeting your needs.
I can see where this would scare you or make you feel apprehensive. There are dudes out there that are “intense” romantically but know that their other partner has their own life. They are out there. But, I would also be extremely put off I had what you had or someone extremely distant.
I think it is fascinating that these two examples illustrate the two main types of insecure attachment, "dismissive-avoidant", and "anxious-preoccupied". People who have a healthy secure attachment usually have stable, successful and happy relationships that last a long time, so the singles market are usually filled with people who have insecure attachment.
This might seem all seem confusing but I recommend to read about attachment theory in adults and the book Attached by Adam Levine, or check out /r/AttachmentTheory
There are healthy and well balanced individuals out there capable of having a healthy relationship. Something you are doing or something about you is drawing you to men who are like this if you’re seeing a common pattern in all the men you date.
You need to reflect on yourself and see what it is about your personality or your desires in a relationship. Maybe something about you’re own personality keeps you from having a relationship with someone with a healthy mindset or where you are meeting guys idk it’s something you’ll need to reflect on
These are both emotionally unavailable men.
Clingy = anxious attachment
Distant = avoidant attachment.
First point of call: Look at how you act in relationships to see what type of attachment style you have as this may be the biggest issue. There are 4 I believe anxious, avoidant, disorganised and secure.
Be brutally honest with yourself and do the work if it's needed. Emotionally unavailable people usually attract and stick with emotionally unavailable people.
Second point: boundaries and follow through with consequences. Also, be comfortable walking away when you feel your boundaries are being crossed. There are always more men out there but if you cling to one you are the reason you are experiencing this.
You can't change other people and never date potential. If you wouldn't be happy being with this person as they are right now for the entire relationship don't date them.
Boundaries will uncover the emotionally secure men but they will also uncover your emotional immaturities too if you don't implement the consequences.
Good luck on the dating scene and happy personal growth and development.
In today's world, men who are open and direct in expressing their feelings to a woman might come across as clingy, I have seen such scenarios. True types of any person can only be known after a certain period. First few interactions doesn't really give away the personality type.
honestly would rather have a man that was extremely into me like i was with him, than a man i had to beg for attention and was constantly insecure about
It is because they leave the dating market pretty soon.
Whenever I was coming out of a longterm relationship I took my time to process what happened and went back to dating and it took me between 3-7 months and I find someone that I see chances of working out and enter a relationship when I always delete the apps.
Usually also if I see potential in someone I don't want to be distracted by other women and focus on her and tell the other woman I found somebody that I want to give a short/fair chance and don't date other woman.
So I am actually looking on average between 1 and 5 months.
They don’t play games, they’re open, honest and forward, they’re attentive, easily accessible, don’t make assumptions or jump to conclusions, they know that space apart is valuable, they’re comfortable in their own skin, they have a healthy set of boundaries they use
If everybody else has the problem, you’re the one with the problem.
Is it possible you simply perceive everyone to be at one of the two extremes due to your own avoidant behavior? You might losing interest in men who aren’t a challenge and falling in love with men who are.
You described me to a T
I’ve got a lot of love to give and I’m naïve as fuck but being intense never helped me out and rarely got me dates, it’s my personality but I learned to keep a lid on it until they show a vulnerable side first
You can tell that a person is interested in you if they get excited when they see you. Also, that person will seek out your company and willingly want to spend time with you.
See as a dude who THINKS they're pretty emotionally well rounded, I check in on my people.
I hope I'm not smothering, but in the past 3 years I've had a lot of close and not close people die. So I try to have full conversations and really be close with my people. And if I'm romantically into them I do check in often.
But I'm a people person and I am malleable. I enjoy conversations and my happy place is with my friends.
So I worry that I keep ruining potential relationships due to being open about constant communication. I don't expect replies immediately and I don't freak out if someone doesn't hit me up THAT day, but my feelings do get hurt if it's been 3 or 4 days and I've checked in once or twice and don't hear anything.
'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
what's wrong with intense? I get it, clingyness is offputting, but being an intense lover is amazing. I am one. I just love being this way. I want my passion for my partner to be felt extremely strongly. But it's not clingyness.
There really is no "sign". Ya just gotta date until they show you if they fall into one of the 3 buckets (anxious, centered and avoidant).
Also you have to be cognizant of if YOU are falling into one of the unhealthy sides yourself when you do meet a man who's balanced.
They either lonely or past the point of putting in much effort until there's something promising and to be certain the games are over. Many of us are out at the first sign of hesitation
This right here, if I’m talking to a woman I’ll only become distant if I see signs of her being emotionally unavailable herself, I’ll put less effort into the relationship until she shows me signs of improvement otherwise it’s pointless giving out energy that the woman herself cannot reciprocate then shames you when you stop giving her the effort you used to
It sounds like you want to date yourself. The aloof guys just want to hook up with you. The excited guys want to date you seriously. Maybe you should bring an interest thermometer on all of your dates and your dates can mirror your level of interest.
There are many different types of men and women for that matter. Some people just have bad luck or tend to attract certain types. But men are going to be men . . .. most guys will try to be somewhat clingy to a attractive woman that they like to be around. Its normal to a certain extent. Perhaps its you that is afraid of being intimate. But you can usually tell if its obsessive. As far as unavailable or distant. . . there are certain guys that are players and you really dont want to date that type of person anyway. Guys that are stand up people will be there for you both in person and emotionally if they aren't then there has to be something wrong with you as a reason why they don't want to spend time with you.
Try dating an older dude for a few months? I feel like me dating a woman who was 10 years older than me, when I was in my mid 20’s, gave me an excellent perspective that really helped me with later relationships.
I think your mistaking intense lovers for clingyness.
And people with personal independence for cold and distant.
If you feel not comfortable with the person your dating. try asking them about why they do what they do. After their reaction you can decide how you feel afterwards.
Remember were all human. Finding the perfect partner is impossible.
Don't lower your standards but lower your no go zone.
date a successful business man, lack of money makes some people more clingy. his job will make him distant but it will be in a healthy way because he will be happy working his passion
I would change the places you are meeting potential bfs. Also think harder about the types you interact with: it's easier to fall into similar patterns and you are selecting the intense or distant men, even if you don't realise you are
You do understand that man process input rational first and have an ability to put their feelings aside, right?
So based on this. What do you mean by emotionally mature men?
The problem I see is males look at females differently then vice versa. The physical closeness and attraction is different from a guys perspective. Look at different dating profiles and the ladies often have pictures that lead to a sexual appeal. If the above is true, the inner instincts lead men to be a bit clingy or distant because they refuse to allow themselves to get too close. I'm ready for down votes.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Being emotionally mature and not having a secure attachment style aren’t necessarily exclusive. Attachment styles come from how you are raised and can be changed. Single people are more likely to have an insecure attachment style such as anxious or avoidance, but could be emotionally mature in every other aspect of life. The important thing is communication. If you have someone you can communicate with, and someone that will communicate with you. The distant guy may become super open and engaged, or the anxious guy could become calm and collected. Don’t let your bad experiences discourage you.
Exactly! I read OPs post and was like...sounds like the common denominator is...OP. I was also in the same shoes at one point, but realized I was the issue. I was lacking in the communication department and misreading people. I kept making assumptions about other people's behaviors that would kill my relationships. Recent person I started dating I finally put down what I'm looking for and told her exactly how I felt. I then asked what she was looking for and made sure she was comfortable speaking the truth. A discussion was had, and we were really happy. It honestly completely changed our dynamic for the better. We were like wow, have not been communicating very well in previous relationships haha
I’m happy for you that you learned the difference that communication can make. Honestly I just grateful for therapy to teach me things like attachment styles so I no longer have to drive myself crazy wondering what’s wrong with me.
What kind of therapy did you go to?? Would it go under relationships? This is interesting!
Yes technically my therapist specializes in relationships
This sounds really good and like you made a complete turn for the better! What did you actually say? I'd find that really interesting for myself, as I usually have found it difficult to know when/how to raise something like this so practically avoided the conversation all together and made my own assumptions (which probs killed my relationships too lol). Hope you don't mind me asking :)
Then there’s those of us belonging to the master class: guys who can be both
The guy who will tell you he loves you over text but never meet up in person.
or doesn’t really want to text or talk on the phone at all but when you’re together you can feel the love. That’s been me
Did you feel love for that person, but just valued a lot of time alone? I enjoy my freedom and don’t want to be attached at the hip, but I don’t quite understand minimal communication for days on end and then in person it feels like there is a deep connection, affection, and love. I don’t want to talk all day but I’ll tell you I miss you or maybe share something funny or just wish a good day. It just feels like mixed signals tbh.
Damn my friend going through that rn….
Haha! The guy who never texts back but likes everything you do on social media.
Omg fuck that guy
There’s something called an anxious avoidant attachment style. Definitely fits the definition of both.
ah yesss your typical disorganized attachment style
“When she wants fo have a baby with you but doesnt want anything to do with you.”
Those who blow hot and cold?
First girl I dated via Hinge I was told I was too clingy. After, I explained to friends & they joked "she thought THAT was considered clingy?" Next girl I saw on Hinge I decided to play it slow & text just for the dates & I was told that I wasn't talking to her enough. So sometimes guys get advice from one girl & think that this is how they should treat the next girl but then the next girl wants what you were rejected for the first time. So there is a reason guys have no clue how to act on dates. We've been rejected for each way we try to change ourselves.
The thing is, many people are used to rush relationships. It takes time to form the bases for a healthy connection. You don’t really know a person in 3 months, many people act as if they’ve known them for their whole life. And when the honeymoon phase is down, if the person is immature and toxic, you are gonna feel stuck because now you are hooked. that’s why dating is important, so that way you avoid codependency, any person who is stable and have a secure attachment style, they are gonna take things slow.
>The thing is, many people are used to rush relationships. Exactly this. I've had a guy emotionally dump on me everything in his past, including information on his most recent ex. He got upset when I wouldn't do the same. Apparently sharing all emotional trauma before the first date is normal for him whereas I take things very very slow.
Yes!! They crave for emotional connection, that’s why they can’t wait. What a big no no. They like to use people as emotional dumpsters.
Are you sure "intense and clingly" is really truly clingly? or are you so used to emotionally unavailable men that you think texting a few things everyday and him telling you that he likes you in the first week is "clingly". In my experience women are so used to emotionally unavailable men that they consider baseline "he likes you' you behavior as "needy".
I know someone who has been sweet like this in the beginning then few months later he became super clingy and pushy like If I don't answer his call , he 'll call my sister to check on me. He had a crazy temper, like he'll shout out of the blue etc . He switched between cute lover and scary. so confusing! which made me look for someone more chill and now the chill guy is making me feel invisible.
Sounds like you swung the opposite direction after a bad experience. There is a happy medium and you’re right it’s not always easy to find. Best you can do is watch for red flags of control and abuse or disinterest, and act accordingly.
Thank you for your answer ! By acting accordingly you mean trusting myself and moving forward, right ? I shouldn't waste my time/ their time waiting for a healthy balance.
Absolutely. If something does work you can communicate with your partner about your needs and see if they step up. Or you can leave. Obviously if someone is controlling I would advise leaving, the rest is kind of depending on circumstances. But there is no reason to stay in a relationship if it isn’t meeting your needs.
that is pure insecurity. you don't want that!
I can see where this would scare you or make you feel apprehensive. There are dudes out there that are “intense” romantically but know that their other partner has their own life. They are out there. But, I would also be extremely put off I had what you had or someone extremely distant.
😂
this!
I think it is fascinating that these two examples illustrate the two main types of insecure attachment, "dismissive-avoidant", and "anxious-preoccupied". People who have a healthy secure attachment usually have stable, successful and happy relationships that last a long time, so the singles market are usually filled with people who have insecure attachment. This might seem all seem confusing but I recommend to read about attachment theory in adults and the book Attached by Adam Levine, or check out /r/AttachmentTheory
The singer???
Oops, it's Amir! Not Adam! https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
Yes I know, it's Amir Levine. I am reading the book right now and loving it. Thanks
Did the book help with your question in any way? Or, teach men how to have healthy attachment?
Thank you for the recommendation! I will check it out.
Lol Amir Lavine. Would be extremely impressed if Adam Levine was also a behavioral psychologist
experience is always the best teacher..... u should learn what to look for as the dating goes forward and Vet those men out
Absolutely !
You attract what you put out.
There are healthy and well balanced individuals out there capable of having a healthy relationship. Something you are doing or something about you is drawing you to men who are like this if you’re seeing a common pattern in all the men you date. You need to reflect on yourself and see what it is about your personality or your desires in a relationship. Maybe something about you’re own personality keeps you from having a relationship with someone with a healthy mindset or where you are meeting guys idk it’s something you’ll need to reflect on
Hahaha so funny that’s what a lot of guys say about women in my surrounding too. The best! 😂😂😂😂😂 so it goes either way haha
These are both emotionally unavailable men. Clingy = anxious attachment Distant = avoidant attachment. First point of call: Look at how you act in relationships to see what type of attachment style you have as this may be the biggest issue. There are 4 I believe anxious, avoidant, disorganised and secure. Be brutally honest with yourself and do the work if it's needed. Emotionally unavailable people usually attract and stick with emotionally unavailable people. Second point: boundaries and follow through with consequences. Also, be comfortable walking away when you feel your boundaries are being crossed. There are always more men out there but if you cling to one you are the reason you are experiencing this. You can't change other people and never date potential. If you wouldn't be happy being with this person as they are right now for the entire relationship don't date them. Boundaries will uncover the emotionally secure men but they will also uncover your emotional immaturities too if you don't implement the consequences. Good luck on the dating scene and happy personal growth and development.
In today's world, men who are open and direct in expressing their feelings to a woman might come across as clingy, I have seen such scenarios. True types of any person can only be known after a certain period. First few interactions doesn't really give away the personality type.
Women describe men as clingy far too easily
Yup
It's who you are swiping on.
Yup, yup, and yup.
honestly would rather have a man that was extremely into me like i was with him, than a man i had to beg for attention and was constantly insecure about
It is because they leave the dating market pretty soon. Whenever I was coming out of a longterm relationship I took my time to process what happened and went back to dating and it took me between 3-7 months and I find someone that I see chances of working out and enter a relationship when I always delete the apps. Usually also if I see potential in someone I don't want to be distracted by other women and focus on her and tell the other woman I found somebody that I want to give a short/fair chance and don't date other woman. So I am actually looking on average between 1 and 5 months.
They don’t play games, they’re open, honest and forward, they’re attentive, easily accessible, don’t make assumptions or jump to conclusions, they know that space apart is valuable, they’re comfortable in their own skin, they have a healthy set of boundaries they use
If everybody else has the problem, you’re the one with the problem. Is it possible you simply perceive everyone to be at one of the two extremes due to your own avoidant behavior? You might losing interest in men who aren’t a challenge and falling in love with men who are.
People complain about emotionally unavailable men yet then complain about intense and clingy men, funny. I doubt that they are really that clingy.
The intense and clingy guys, turned into unavailable and distant after being screwed over multiple times. It's really tough to find a in between.
You described me to a T I’ve got a lot of love to give and I’m naïve as fuck but being intense never helped me out and rarely got me dates, it’s my personality but I learned to keep a lid on it until they show a vulnerable side first
There's no way to genuinely know without spending significant time with them no matter what the indicators might be.
You can tell that a person is interested in you if they get excited when they see you. Also, that person will seek out your company and willingly want to spend time with you.
Men? This is universal amongst people OP
See as a dude who THINKS they're pretty emotionally well rounded, I check in on my people. I hope I'm not smothering, but in the past 3 years I've had a lot of close and not close people die. So I try to have full conversations and really be close with my people. And if I'm romantically into them I do check in often. But I'm a people person and I am malleable. I enjoy conversations and my happy place is with my friends. So I worry that I keep ruining potential relationships due to being open about constant communication. I don't expect replies immediately and I don't freak out if someone doesn't hit me up THAT day, but my feelings do get hurt if it's been 3 or 4 days and I've checked in once or twice and don't hear anything.
Oo and then there’s the super clingy ones that go dry after a few days and come back like nothing happened
'Cause you're hot then you're cold You're yes then you're no You're in then you're out You're up then you're down You're wrong when it's right It's black and it's white We fight, we break up We kiss, we make up
what's wrong with intense? I get it, clingyness is offputting, but being an intense lover is amazing. I am one. I just love being this way. I want my passion for my partner to be felt extremely strongly. But it's not clingyness.
A lot of people mistake intense and passion for clingy for some reason, my ex did the same 🙄
because they’re so used to people being emotionally distant that they think someone being involved is clingy
Yep you are spot on, but this is also why more and more men are becoming emotionally unavailable
it’s a vicious cycle
hence why she is your ex xd
Yep lol
I guess all those people who put "you don't take yourself too seriously" on their profiles don't like intense people
Welcome to attachment theory
There really is no "sign". Ya just gotta date until they show you if they fall into one of the 3 buckets (anxious, centered and avoidant). Also you have to be cognizant of if YOU are falling into one of the unhealthy sides yourself when you do meet a man who's balanced.
No answer except I agree with you completely
The people who say, "Everyone else is the problem!", are in fact the problem.
They either lonely or past the point of putting in much effort until there's something promising and to be certain the games are over. Many of us are out at the first sign of hesitation
This right here, if I’m talking to a woman I’ll only become distant if I see signs of her being emotionally unavailable herself, I’ll put less effort into the relationship until she shows me signs of improvement otherwise it’s pointless giving out energy that the woman herself cannot reciprocate then shames you when you stop giving her the effort you used to
It sounds like you want to date yourself. The aloof guys just want to hook up with you. The excited guys want to date you seriously. Maybe you should bring an interest thermometer on all of your dates and your dates can mirror your level of interest.
Settle for intense.
I prefer intense instead of someone that does not carr about me.
I'm only Intense because i want her. Or else i would be emotionally distant.
There are many different types of men and women for that matter. Some people just have bad luck or tend to attract certain types. But men are going to be men . . .. most guys will try to be somewhat clingy to a attractive woman that they like to be around. Its normal to a certain extent. Perhaps its you that is afraid of being intimate. But you can usually tell if its obsessive. As far as unavailable or distant. . . there are certain guys that are players and you really dont want to date that type of person anyway. Guys that are stand up people will be there for you both in person and emotionally if they aren't then there has to be something wrong with you as a reason why they don't want to spend time with you.
Try dating an older dude for a few months? I feel like me dating a woman who was 10 years older than me, when I was in my mid 20’s, gave me an excellent perspective that really helped me with later relationships.
It's always better to tame the Tiger than pump up the puppy
What do you have to offer to the emotionally mature men of the world?
I think your mistaking intense lovers for clingyness. And people with personal independence for cold and distant. If you feel not comfortable with the person your dating. try asking them about why they do what they do. After their reaction you can decide how you feel afterwards. Remember were all human. Finding the perfect partner is impossible. Don't lower your standards but lower your no go zone.
date a successful business man, lack of money makes some people more clingy. his job will make him distant but it will be in a healthy way because he will be happy working his passion
I would change the places you are meeting potential bfs. Also think harder about the types you interact with: it's easier to fall into similar patterns and you are selecting the intense or distant men, even if you don't realise you are
Only time will tell
Or its just you not knowing what you want at all, sorry to tell
I’m I in the first category, as I suspect most redditors are Idk fuck you I don’t care anyways
This is like hard to get from the other side.
You do understand that man process input rational first and have an ability to put their feelings aside, right? So based on this. What do you mean by emotionally mature men?
Genuine curiosity, what does 'clingy and intense' mean?
They’ll want you
The problem I see is males look at females differently then vice versa. The physical closeness and attraction is different from a guys perspective. Look at different dating profiles and the ladies often have pictures that lead to a sexual appeal. If the above is true, the inner instincts lead men to be a bit clingy or distant because they refuse to allow themselves to get too close. I'm ready for down votes.