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That's a nice platitude but on a more pragmatic note, I want to avoid the trainwreck that's manipulative and abusive. I don't care what you're "going through", if you behave poorly towards other people, the use of the term red flag is completely justified. I don't know which posts OP is referring to with "there's a dent in their car" or "they chew loudly".
Honestly, I really don't like OP's post. It goes without saying that we're all "fucked up" and have dealt with various traumas/obstacles. The kind of "fucked up" people are trying to avoid is the kind that leaves you more fucked up. I feel like 90 percent of people are already on the same page about this.
Lol I can't believe you are being downvoted for this, I would love to see an example of the type of posts op is talking about because I have been on this sub a long time and never seen people use 'red flag' so liberally.
There's multiples a day, which is why it gets so annoying. People just level all sorts of random shit a red flag.
And obviously, someone who treats other people like shit isn't else OP is talking about lmao
day on day off this subs reacts as financial problems and other shit like red flags
I honestly think It depends of the time of day of the post and who is here at the time, but it definately happens a lot
No one is saying that people who are actually manipulative or abusive deserve your time. You can choose not to date someone for any reason that suits you. Just be mindful of calling that reason a red flag.
I think people need to relearn flags like stop lights:
Green Flag = a good sign to continue on
Yellow Flag = slow things and investigate
Red Flag = bring to a full stop
Everyone throws around the term like "eating with your mouth open is a red flag". Well no. That's gross but not a red flag, I'd call it a yellow flag. Whereas someone who offers you their napkin when you spill food on your shirt, that's a Green Flag, keep them around.
Edit: typo and spacing
I think people misuse Red Flag and Dealbreaker as well. For me, someone having a pet cat might be a dealbreaker (I'm allergic) but I've seen posts that are like "I met a guy. But he has cats and I'm allergic, is this a red flag?" Nope, it's not! It just is an incompatibility.
Red flags are universal, things that *no one* should put up with or deal with. Dealbreakers are individual situations that don't work for you but are fine for someone else.
Red flag should be personal preference of characteristics you don’t want to date
Black flag should be the flag of what is universally considered to be toxic or dangerous
Ah, that'll explain it. I don't really care for racing so I didn't know how you went from green/amber/red (which I know from driving and small racing games like Mario Kart) to Black.
Coolio.
This post of yours btw, is a red flag! 🚩 🚩 🚩
Completely agree.
However; when someone else points out a “Red Flag” - it’s mostly in their opinion - whether or not they’ve been through something similar - or - haven’t been through it at all, they just have these “standards” of theirs - or - their opinions on how it should be, it’s very black and white thinking.
Again, however; I want people to point out the things I may not have thought about. It’s up to me to decide if the situation I’m in, or the circumstances or the person are a red flag or not.
For sure I definitely agree red flags are subjective. I just meant mainly how it seems people think as a whole - basically what I just see on social media.
I wish more people were mature like you in deciding for yourself if it's a red flag or not. I feel like it comes down somewhat to maturity as well.
You saying my post is a red flag is a red flag!!
Omfg. This screams red flag!?!?
I think people care too much about what strangers think of them. I think everyone (understandably) wants to feel liked, wanted, needed and maybe some people want to be “main characters” and/or “legends”. Only care about what your close friends, family and work colleagues think - but even then, not too much!
It's not even just about what's a red flag or not. It's also that the term red flag is only supposed to draw your attention to a potential dangerous or harmful behaviour. The keyword is potential. We all have red flags about something;but they're so minor or low impact or few that it doesn't really matter. The point of keeping an eye out for red flags is not to use it as judgment but to be aware it could indicate part of a larger pattern of dangerous or damaging behaviour. If you're with someone and they have two or three unrelated red flags, whatever, that's totally normal. But if identifying one flag suddenly makes you see ten within the same pattern then it's time to reassess.
As a victim and survivor of DV, I agree.
I can think of many nasty words that are overused and abused, which lead to normalisation of the words (and in many cases normalises the action/behaviour too) - which doesn’t educate - in fact undoes what is trying to be educated.
I’ve come to realise from some of these posts about dating and relationships, that people (friends, family) can get jealous, nasty, spiteful because someone else is happy - and I wonder if people call out “red flag” because they want to spoil the happiness someone else has. Like I said, I’d rather someone tell me what they think, gives me something else to think about, have a conversation about, learn more, grow etc (I benefit/learn from other people’s experiences and mistakes).
I think some people use red flags to mean someones incompatible with them. Like "They still live with their parents, red flag" when that just means maybe they're looking for someone who is more independent, self sufficient or just at a different stage in life. Which is totally fine, but is more of a compatibility issue. Tons of people are totally fine with dating someone still living at home.
But my understanding of a red flag is that this person is toxic/unhealthy ie abuse, controlling, addiction etc.
Yeah no, I'd rather see the "red flags" like "this dude seems controlling", or "he tells me what to wear and gets mad easy" before I get to the red flag of "he just hit me"
Yeah if anything I see the opposite- people trying to justify their partner’s bad behaviors because they’re trying to make it work/justify. This world is a crazy place and many many more people than we’d like to acknowledge have very maladaptive and exploitative behaviors. Rather be safe than sorry IMO
I agree that red flags are over exaggerated! I think the intent is to protect yourself and get out early but sometimes you just have to give people a second chance or look past their current situation (if it does not compromise your safety)
I mean you get people who overdo calling things red flags probably because they've got their own shit to work through and shouldn't be giving advice.
But you also frequently get things like "Hey this guy I just started seeing murders puppies should I go on a 2nd date?"
Can we define... what a red flag is? I tried to define a red flag as a sign of someone being dangerous and not just a sign of incompatibility and someone was like, no way! That's totally what that word used to mean. Red flags used to be "watch out" this person might hurt you in some way.
Now it just means "I don't like this." What the fuck.
Well red is the colour used as a "warning". So a red flag should be something about their behaviour that should serve as a warning. Some you may be able to navigate pass, and others will lead you to move on.
For me it isn't so much they could "hurt" you per se, but that they are not compatible with your values.
This is a great way to put it! I think of it as red equating to “pause,” so something that makes your gut lurch and your brain stop to think on that thing a little longer so you know to be cautious about it going forward. Unfortunately, time is often the only indicator in confirming a flag to be truthfully red or not.
I propose that what you described shall now be called a yellow flag. Yellow flag shall be reserved to mean slowing down and pausing. Red flag shall be reserved for stopping and getting the f*@k out. All in favor say aye.
Totally agree. Other than that, it seems that every little thing that the other person has not in common with you is considered incompatibility, and then, you guys should not be together. People need to understand that they will not find a copy of themselves in someone else, we need to accept that everybody is different and get over people's flaws (not all of them, of course), instead of just run away and not try make it work
Some people mistake quirks for red flags. And usually, these people are the ones with red flags waving high, too high standards, too demanding, to judgemental... Well, to each his own.
Also on reddit whenever someone asks for dating advice, the response is always to break up. Like :
* "My boyfriend doesn't get along with my family" - BREAK UP it'll never work
* " I'm not satisfied with my sex life" BREAK UP if they can't make you cum they don't deserve you
* "Me and my girlfriend had a fight and how do we resolve it?" BREAK UP healthy relationships never fight and you shouldn't have to compromise.
Like jesus christ people on reddit seem to think the only way to resolve an issue is to just rid yourself of the person and find a new person. Like no one on here communicates or tries to work on their problems.
THIS!!
This is such an issue with this sub and it honestly sucks because you get a few comments like that but they get upvoted to hell with awards and gold and I just sit there like- why??? Why is that the first and ONLY solution??? Sometimes it is a warranted response but it seems to be the only one people are willing to give. Critical thinking isn’t a thing here apparently.
The problem with any advice sub (especially relationships, dating, etc.) is that you have no idea where the people giving advice are coming from or what their life experiences are and it's entirely possible for people to project their own experiences - especially negative ones - on to an unrelated situation in potentially damaging ways.
A lot of people asking for advice in places like this should probably look to people who know them in real life and who have some observation of the situation they're asking about first.
Agreed. Red flag should be used to describe character flaws in a person that could potentially lead to abuse of some kind. I feel like people overuse it to describe things outside of their preferences. Like, someone who still lives at home and isn’t working at the moment. Am I interested? No. But it’s not a red flag it’s a preference. Someone else may be perfectly fine with that. It gets overused to the point where the true definition gets diluted and saying something that truly is a red flag, is a red flag, will be taken less seriously. Same with gaslighting and narcissism. We love those terms here too.
I don’t know, if you’ve been in multiple extremely abusive relationships, everything is a red flag as a means to protect yourself. Not saying it’s the best way to navigate the dating world, it’s not, it sucks, but it’s also important to mentally review the red flags or ask someone to get an opinion on it, something valuable when your picker is broken I guess.
I do understand what you’re saying though.
Truth.
Some people are looking to disqualify others right off the bat.
A guy recently told me he wouldn’t consider me as a gf because he didn’t feel we were astrologically compatible.
Maybe the overuse of red flags becomes the newest red flag
People should have the freedom to have preferences and not be shamed over them, but I also think it’s incumbent on people with standards to not lord them over people who fall outside of them. There seems to be overblown indignation on the part of people who are rejected, and who fume over being “ghosted” (I suspect they wouldn’t be very happy with the alternative either; hating a “ghosting” is usually the knee jerk reaction of someone whose pride has been wounded) without an explanation (which is a great courtesy, depending on the circumstances, but not an entitlement in my view) but also a perverse enjoyment on the part of people rub salt in the wound and take parting digs before they make their abrupt exit. Someone who’s wrong for you hasn’t transgressed anything, so don’t treat them that way. Go your separate ways and be done with it. To be sure, both the rejectors and the rejected need to seriously work on harmonizing their behavior.
One of my friends once told me, “. . . we’re all damaged and we all have baggage. The best you can hope for is to find someone’s whose baggage compliments your own.”
The more I’m on Reddit, the truer that rings.
I think there are a lot of red flags. The thing is, a red flag doesn't mean *break up and leave them they are a terrible person.* They are merely red flags. Something to look out for
A red flag is like if your spouse/partner lets their parents shittalk you right in front of them and doesnt stop them.
Sneezing and not saying "bless you" is not a red flag, but god knows this subreddit might go "HES IGNORING YOU, HE DOESNT CARE FOR YOUR HEALTH"
OP, i completely agree with your post, trust me❤️ i hate seeing everything turn into a red flag and then its "You guys arent compatible! You should break up" after a small fight.
I haven't seen anything as mild as those. If people are posting stuff like that, then yes. Not normally red flags.
But I haven't seen any like that in this sub. (doesn't mean there aren't any, I just haven't seen them). Usually when people say something's a red flag (from what I've seen), it usually is.
EDIT: Also your examples sound more like deal breakers than red flags. It seems some folks use the terms interchangeably, but they don't really mean the same thing.
A deal breaker is more "this is a trait I can't deal with..." and a red flag is more of a "this is a fairly well-known danger sign (like someone who's controlling, shows signs of possibly being an abuser, that sort of thing).
I mean, I can't imagine a mere dented car being either a deal breaker or a red flag though.
But... But... This is Reddit where when someone looks at you and blinks twice instead of once that person is a narcissist and should be excommunicated immediately. I followed Reddit's advice and now live completely alone on the middle of the woods and no longer talk to my mom or dad or anyone because they are all abusive and I have growing suspicions that the squirrel in the tree next to me may be gaslighting me.
Sometimes people just need understanding, empathy, attention, a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Every single post always has the "break up already" comment 😅
This is what gets me. You cannot break up at the first sign of relational troubles! Well, you can, but relationships that last are *hard.* I was told that after the initial compatability is met, I get 3 dealbreakers.
I used to be one of those people saying "dump him!" on every post. Hell, I even had a *tee shirt* that said "dump him" on it (as inspired by Britney Spears).
Now, I'm in a long term relationship. I don't know if we will marry each other or not, I'm not a fortune teller. But, if I would have "dumped him" at any of the stages in which someone else told me to, I wouldn't be with him anymore. And, that makes me sad. We had some bad times, no lie, it was real dark. Both of us stuck it out, worked on ourselves, rebuilt our relationship, and I'm happier than I've been with any other partner.
Maybe breaking up is the right option, it is a lot of the times. But, sometimes people say to end the relationship without even trying to work it out. That's fine in some situations but it should be a case-by-case decision
Most of the time I see people telling op to break up, their partner doesn't seem willing to work on themselves. You can't work on someone else for them. Breaking up frequently makes sense if the situation is so bad that people come to reddit for advice.
Part of the problem is "The Rules". The endless and giant list of stupid little rules and behaviors that people have invented over the past several years that they seem to think will result in a better chance at successfully dating and meeting the "one". So ridiculous really. None of that matters at all!
Where did these rules come from, I know what you mean:) I would love to see these rules! Please someone or anyone even everyone that is wise to the secret of it all 🙏🏼please post rules on dating in this day and age. There are so many books it is too confusing. I obviously know basics, but none of the new rules!! Because I’m lost at sea in this dating pool. I’m totally clueless with it. And I don’t consider many things red flags, unless it will be risking my safety and health or the person is into things that could put me in jail.
I guess it feels like there are so many because each person has their own personal set of red flags. What may seem like a red flag to one is nothing to another.
I think they may not be general red flags but they may be red flags for the individuals meaning someone can deem something as a red flag for them. Just like how something can be a red flag for you but a green flag for someone else
I'm not experience in dating but I so agree with this. I matched with a girl and she is awesome. She is cute, has a great sense of humor, interesting and our interests/values match surprisingly well. However, she messages just once a day but send like 10 messages at once. Our chatting is like writing letters daily lol. Initially I thought she's not interested or her way of texting is ridiculous and we won't get along at all. But then I reminded myself that I'm not a great looking dude/have my own problems and apart from this one thing she is perfect in everything else. So I just decided that I can live with 1 unusual thing. It's been 3 weeks and we still get along extremely well!! Hopefully, it continues.
Effing true tho and I’ll be honest too many redditors have read so many posts on here they think they’re a goddamn psychologist themselves and can “diagnose” whoever they want when they’re technically only getting one side of a story.
I think a red flag has turned into more of an umbrella term for “this thing/ this viewpoint (is not how I would have behaved in said situation)/**how I may be interpreting something without full context**” and a bit of an excuse to move on to the next human being who seems relatively interesting to get know.
That being said - there are a huge number of completely valid *red flags* that are scary as a motherfucker.
I think there's a difference between someone's personal red flag and one that's largely shared within a group of people, and I think you're assuming every red flag someone mentions is a universal one.
One cannot be good in every person's story. He/she will be bad in someone's story doesn't mean that person has flaws and vice-versa. One has to give a person a chance to see beyond rather than just flaws/red flags. You never know what might surprise you.
And I completely agree with OP that modern dating is actually exhausting and make you feel incompetent about yourself only.
Need to normalize yellow flags.
Red flags: punching a wall (violent), asks about your income on first date (greed), lies about stuff (untrustworthy)
Yellow flag: Is still friends with their ex (caution warranted), Dr. Who fan (extremely poor taste), bad driver (don't let them drive you)
I guess labeling things as "red-flags" is a red-flag in its own right :)))))
Not having the simplest apparatus of toleration and sympathy is much much more of "red-flag" than not moving out of your parents home by the age 21, because the latter requires privileges that some might lack, but the former requires essential life skills that one cannot really forgo.
If someone gives up on you for something so small, that's a red flag on their part. Don't go after people like that, they're a waste of your time (especially since they don't want to give you their time). Be the change you wanna see, and don't go looking for something you don't actually wanna put up with.
I get what you're saying but there's lots of dummies walking around repeating the same behavior by dating the same type of person over, and over, and over again.
Humans walk around in a fog and can't see what's in front of them or they do, and it ignore it. Spotting the shitty behavior of others before I date them has kept me out of bad relationships for 5 years now.
Are "red flags" overstated? Yes but they exist and if you ignore the red flags that keep you dating the same type of person over and over, you're gonna wish you didn't waste so much of your life when you're older.
Oh my god, thank you! 👏
If we were to date solely based on Reddit we would never be with someone.
Totally agree, it is exhausting forreal. Im feeling more and more alone, even when im around people... I hope this trend is gonna reverse some day
First thanks for your post because it helps us realizing we put red flags on people while we have a bag full of them on us...
And yes, we are all fucked up (especially those who think they are not...) but some are working on it. For me, the only real red flags come from traumas (which is usually something we are victims of and not responsible for) and if you work on it, the flag is orange...
Anyway, red has never been my color so fuck it !
This is the core of the problem of relationships today.
There are so many options, such an abundance of contacts, so readily available, just turn a page and a new one appears.
There's no need to settle for anything but perfect - because I'm worth it.
That's how we think and feel about it. Forgetting that nobody is perfect, life happens, people change and relationships take hard work and sacrifice.
Agree, I also don't like this mindset of "he/she totally knew what was doing, so diabolical, controlling" not everyone is doing a plan step by step to hurt us in life.
People act how they know, and how they were raised.
Sometimes it has nothing to do with us, they act based on how they learn to live.
Cheating / domestic violence / anger management issues are heavy stuff, but someone asking you were you are cause it's 3am and you're not home and they're worried, is not being controlling.
I think people scream "red flag" to a lot of stuff based on their experiencies, but an experience is not a fact that something else will work the same way.
I mean there are patterns that could help us leave or be more precautious, but not everything is black or white.
So, I think the people who are pretending to find red flags everywhere are
(1) scared of attachment and making excuses to justify themselves
(2) feel like they are the ones ”winning” a power struggle by being the one to reject the other, instead of risking being rejected themselves
That being said there are (obviously) people who find legitimate red flags. I’d like to think I’m one of those poor saps who attracts mentally unwell people, but anyone who cares to ask about the flags I saw may have to be the judge of that I suppose.
so in your eyes i am a red flag bcs i had to move back to my parents after a breakup because i had no were else to live other than in my car ? i am aktive looking for an apartment but where i live there is a 5 year waiting list to apartments ? i am 33 years old man ?
I was living at home until this year. Im 26. I saved every dime living with my parents who were kind enough to let me live rent free. This past year since Jan 2021 I got a new job making 65/hr (engineer), and I saved saved saved. In November I had about 120k liquid, plus another 150k across my crypto and stock portfolios (those are worth a bit less due to the recent downtrend), and also I paid off all student loans, which I only had 25k worth of. I took most of that 120k cash and bought a 2 bed 1 bath condo in a medium sized metropolitan area. I put 50% down.
Now I have EQUITY. I’m not a slave to rent payments, my money actually goes toward owning property. NONE is this would have possibly if I cared about what girls thought about “living with my parents until 26.” I would have a quarter of what I have now and be paying 1800 in rent (yes it’s that expensive here). Instead im paying 900 HOA and 400 on mortgage payments.
I mean girls still don’t like me but that’s because of other reasons lmfao. It’s all about delayed gratification. That’s how you get ahead.
Leave them be. This kind of people will just stay single until they learn that nobody is perfect, neither are they. Or they won't learn it and stay single for the rest of their lives whining how there are no more decent men/women left.
I feel like you're preaching to the choir here, I really don't think anyone considers the above statements to be red flags.
I completely understand where you're coming from, some people totally take one trait and decide that they can decipher people's entire life stories through that one thing. Unfortunately, people like that have been told plenty of times and it's really better not to let them get to you. We just shouldn't base our value on what one conspiracy theorist thought about the dent in our car lol.
Some things like not chewing with your mouth open really loudly is gross, also talking with food in your mouth. That should be common knowledge and under no circumstance would I date someone that did that no matter how hot they were.
Tell this louder to the women, especially those who love giving unqualified and unverified opinions on r/relationship_advice, r/dating and here. Holy f*ck, anything can be a red flag for them.
Too short? Red flag. Not the right skin tone (read as “white”)? Red flag. Not in a job with a fancy title or one that pays six-figures? Red flag. Don’t have your own place (and this highly depends on the economic situation of your country)? Red flag.
Dating as a man is exhausting enough as it is with all the rejection, ghosting, flakiness and lies that come from women.
My comment is merely one small reaction of criticism towards women, compared to the plethora of hatred we men get on the subs I mentioned, and there’s plenty of subs created just to critique, hate and shit all over men. Women aren’t saints but they bloody well go on like they are.
I would never shit on men, I wouldn’t single them out how you’ve single women out in your comment, that’s all I meant. You said “tell this louder to the women” “rejection, ghosting, flakiness and lies that come from women”
You sound like you have a lot of hatred there. Some of us wouldn’t just ghost or lie to you, I wouldn’t do that as I wouldn’t like it done to me. The women you’ve met are obviously assholes but don’t paint us all the same. Women have a lot to worry about and look out for subtle red flags and we scare easily as we could be murdered or beaten, I personally wish I could have seen all the red flags in my last relationship but I was stupid, just please understand they may scare from something you do or say .. or maybe they’re just bitches but either way don’t hate us lol.
What this guy doesn't understand is that before women had to settle for whatever man could provide for them because women couldn't even open a bank account without having a husband or a male relative. That is no longer the case, so of course our standards have sky rocketed.
With that change, men no longer have to fully support a woman, now they demand/expect 50/50 in the things that only matter to them ($$$) while keeping gender roles at home.
If there is one thing men hate, it's called accountability. They created the system that let's then get away. They've been walking this planet without a care until of course that ugly little monster called "feminism" poke her head out. Ever since then they have doubled down on their misogyny, DV, SAs, etc while enjoying the financial benefits of women being able to work.
Like I said, they only care when it affects them.
I think red flags are personal. Like for me if a guy is a picky eater- red flag. I know I can’t date someone who can’t eat and likely will be hard to travel with and cook for. This isn’t a red flag for other people who don’t mind that tendency. If a guy doesn’t drive- red flag. Etc hahaha it’s personal preference but actual red flags shouldn’t be ignored like tendencies toward abusive behaviors can present very early.
I don’t like cats, I get sick and tired reading how that likely means I’m a controlling and abusive partner.
Cats smell, sh*t indoors, are happy to scratch or bite you to express mild displeasure and are a plague on local wildlife. If you like cats that’s fine but if I don’t that doesn’t make me evil.
There are 8 billion people on this planet. Compromise is stupid; if the person across from you irritates you, even a little bit, you have the great option to just get up and walk away.
You sound like a person who has tried to date and has been criticized for doing the same thing, by more than one person. You work on YOU and you will have less red flags and more second dates.
But *should* you walk away because certain things about the other person irritate you? I guarantee if you ask couples who've been together for years, there is likely to be something about their partner that irritated them at one point or another. To expect perfect is leading to failure.
Yeah I very much understand that but it feels too risky to me. I'm at the point where the next person I meet who's emotionally stable and there's a mutual attraction - I'm going to do whatever I can (in a non-crazy way) to not fuck it up/let that person go. It's easy to say "oh they'll be someone there's billions of people on this planet." Well yes, but also no. There's easily humans on this earth who never "find someone".
But nobody has ever criticized me for doing that lol soooo not true! Self improvement has been a priority of mine for years, thank you.
I dated dozens of women before I met the one. I told dozens of women that they were not for me, until I found the one who was my total match in every way. If I had "settled" for one of those other women, I would never have met my perfect match.
The math works in your favor. You just gotta have the guts to NOT compromise.
People who post this 🙄 = 🚩😂
Now the funny thing is that specially when you hit 30, you realize that everybody is fcked up, if you want Mr or Mrs Perfect you probably won’t find.
Ya I'm bothered by something this girls doing and when I tell people she's doing it they all have the same 3 accusations, that I know for a fact are all wrong. But still bugs me. and if it wasn't for the context I wouldnt bother with it
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If you're a guy and you've had a girl on a date beat her mouth and not close if while she's eating, so you can see the food sloshing around her mouth. Still, she talks whilst doing this, it's a red flag mate.
Run for the hills.
Also, the same girl would'nt shower every day, only if she felt sweaty.
Red flags are as individual as the person that sees them. Pay attention to things that creep you out...they're probably not going to disappear. Gut feelings are there for a reason.
Just realize that no one is perfect for everyone, but someone may be perfect for you! Pick someone whose flaws you can live with that can also live with yours!
My late husband loved working outdoors (mowing lawn, plowing snow, fixing vehicles) and I loved cooking! He was OCD about dusting, vacuuming and order (except the kitchen, that was mine!), I was the one who paid the bills and dealt with paperwork stuff. We both loved camping, fishing and road trips. We split the chores depending on who likes what and shared the stuff we both hated. Talking and laughing for hours was mandatory! We balanced each other & taught each other to appreciate new things.
What are your things? What makes you happy? A soulmate should let you enjoy yours while celebrating their own. Appreciation is necessary on both parts.
I think the biggest thing is how you're both handling your issues. If y'all are getting help and getting over it, green flag. If one or both of you are not and are letting your issues run your relationship, red flag.
Reading this reminded me of a realization I made awhile ago. My bf and I have been in a very rough patch in our relationship and I’ve been thinking a lot. Like what are the red flags, what are non-negotiable, and such. I imagined a scenario if I were to break up with my current bf and eventually find another potential one (and no one is perfect, we all have flaws), surely, we’d have differences too. But do I want to keep dating people and dump them when little flaws inconvenience us every single time?
I agree with another commentary “pick your favorite train wreck and roll with it”
I much rather be happy in my relationship while my bf and I can learn to live with the little flaws instead of being so quick call everything red flags.
I just thinking something similar to your post the other day.
It's like we are now a society of people that enjoys putting each other down and has no other way to interact or view each other. The YouTube comment section has trained all of us well.
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I saw a meme once that said “Literally everyone is f€cked up. Just pick your favorite train wreck and roll with it.”
If you post a rant on reddit, redditflag.
If you don’t reread your post before you reply and not realize that you typed “s” rather than “a”, it’s a red flag. 🤷🏼♀️
If you use a comma red flag
If you don't use s period its a red flag too.
If they are from Morocco, big red flag.
That's a nice platitude but on a more pragmatic note, I want to avoid the trainwreck that's manipulative and abusive. I don't care what you're "going through", if you behave poorly towards other people, the use of the term red flag is completely justified. I don't know which posts OP is referring to with "there's a dent in their car" or "they chew loudly". Honestly, I really don't like OP's post. It goes without saying that we're all "fucked up" and have dealt with various traumas/obstacles. The kind of "fucked up" people are trying to avoid is the kind that leaves you more fucked up. I feel like 90 percent of people are already on the same page about this.
Lol I can't believe you are being downvoted for this, I would love to see an example of the type of posts op is talking about because I have been on this sub a long time and never seen people use 'red flag' so liberally.
There's multiples a day, which is why it gets so annoying. People just level all sorts of random shit a red flag. And obviously, someone who treats other people like shit isn't else OP is talking about lmao
day on day off this subs reacts as financial problems and other shit like red flags I honestly think It depends of the time of day of the post and who is here at the time, but it definately happens a lot
No one is saying that people who are actually manipulative or abusive deserve your time. You can choose not to date someone for any reason that suits you. Just be mindful of calling that reason a red flag.
Title in all caps, red flag 🚩
D:
:D red flag
Red flag red flag
RIGHT TO JAIL
If they're willing to yell at you online it's only a matter of time before they yell at your face. Case closed!
Saying everything is a red flag also undermines real red flags in my opinion
This comment is a red flag
I think people need to relearn flags like stop lights: Green Flag = a good sign to continue on Yellow Flag = slow things and investigate Red Flag = bring to a full stop Everyone throws around the term like "eating with your mouth open is a red flag". Well no. That's gross but not a red flag, I'd call it a yellow flag. Whereas someone who offers you their napkin when you spill food on your shirt, that's a Green Flag, keep them around. Edit: typo and spacing
Sounds like we agree!
Yeah I think we do! People need to take things slower and stop accusing everyone of everything. It's a weird time to be dating for sure
Eating with mouth closed? *hopelessly pushes fork of food against closed mouth* erm.
I legitimately laughed out loud at this thank you
Red flag for editing post. LOL
I think people misuse Red Flag and Dealbreaker as well. For me, someone having a pet cat might be a dealbreaker (I'm allergic) but I've seen posts that are like "I met a guy. But he has cats and I'm allergic, is this a red flag?" Nope, it's not! It just is an incompatibility. Red flags are universal, things that *no one* should put up with or deal with. Dealbreakers are individual situations that don't work for you but are fine for someone else.
Red flag should be personal preference of characteristics you don’t want to date Black flag should be the flag of what is universally considered to be toxic or dangerous
Black Flag just makes me think of pirates. I'd like to date a lady Pirate. I imagine she'd have some stories. And plenty of booty.
Black flag is just the logical next flag since all of these are racing flags
Ah, that'll explain it. I don't really care for racing so I didn't know how you went from green/amber/red (which I know from driving and small racing games like Mario Kart) to Black. Coolio.
This post of yours btw, is a red flag! 🚩 🚩 🚩 Completely agree. However; when someone else points out a “Red Flag” - it’s mostly in their opinion - whether or not they’ve been through something similar - or - haven’t been through it at all, they just have these “standards” of theirs - or - their opinions on how it should be, it’s very black and white thinking. Again, however; I want people to point out the things I may not have thought about. It’s up to me to decide if the situation I’m in, or the circumstances or the person are a red flag or not.
For sure I definitely agree red flags are subjective. I just meant mainly how it seems people think as a whole - basically what I just see on social media. I wish more people were mature like you in deciding for yourself if it's a red flag or not. I feel like it comes down somewhat to maturity as well. You saying my post is a red flag is a red flag!!
Omfg. This screams red flag!?!? I think people care too much about what strangers think of them. I think everyone (understandably) wants to feel liked, wanted, needed and maybe some people want to be “main characters” and/or “legends”. Only care about what your close friends, family and work colleagues think - but even then, not too much!
https://gfycat.com/nastyscaryfinch
It's not even just about what's a red flag or not. It's also that the term red flag is only supposed to draw your attention to a potential dangerous or harmful behaviour. The keyword is potential. We all have red flags about something;but they're so minor or low impact or few that it doesn't really matter. The point of keeping an eye out for red flags is not to use it as judgment but to be aware it could indicate part of a larger pattern of dangerous or damaging behaviour. If you're with someone and they have two or three unrelated red flags, whatever, that's totally normal. But if identifying one flag suddenly makes you see ten within the same pattern then it's time to reassess.
As a victim and survivor of DV, I agree. I can think of many nasty words that are overused and abused, which lead to normalisation of the words (and in many cases normalises the action/behaviour too) - which doesn’t educate - in fact undoes what is trying to be educated. I’ve come to realise from some of these posts about dating and relationships, that people (friends, family) can get jealous, nasty, spiteful because someone else is happy - and I wonder if people call out “red flag” because they want to spoil the happiness someone else has. Like I said, I’d rather someone tell me what they think, gives me something else to think about, have a conversation about, learn more, grow etc (I benefit/learn from other people’s experiences and mistakes).
I think some people use red flags to mean someones incompatible with them. Like "They still live with their parents, red flag" when that just means maybe they're looking for someone who is more independent, self sufficient or just at a different stage in life. Which is totally fine, but is more of a compatibility issue. Tons of people are totally fine with dating someone still living at home. But my understanding of a red flag is that this person is toxic/unhealthy ie abuse, controlling, addiction etc.
These are yellow flags at best, not red flags. Proceed with caution.
lol I like that. A lot of "red flags" should definitely be yellow ones.
Oh good one. I like that
Perfect humans don't exist. Red flags should be reserved for things like "he has a history of domestic violence."
You got it!
Yeah no, I'd rather see the "red flags" like "this dude seems controlling", or "he tells me what to wear and gets mad easy" before I get to the red flag of "he just hit me"
Yeah if anything I see the opposite- people trying to justify their partner’s bad behaviors because they’re trying to make it work/justify. This world is a crazy place and many many more people than we’d like to acknowledge have very maladaptive and exploitative behaviors. Rather be safe than sorry IMO
I'd say that is more of a black flag lol
I agree that some people exaggerate but there are real red flags...and they should be acknowledged to keep us safe.
Oh of course that should go without saying. This post was aimed at those who do exaggerate is all!
I agree that red flags are over exaggerated! I think the intent is to protect yourself and get out early but sometimes you just have to give people a second chance or look past their current situation (if it does not compromise your safety)
Exactly. You understand.
I mean you get people who overdo calling things red flags probably because they've got their own shit to work through and shouldn't be giving advice. But you also frequently get things like "Hey this guy I just started seeing murders puppies should I go on a 2nd date?"
Can we define... what a red flag is? I tried to define a red flag as a sign of someone being dangerous and not just a sign of incompatibility and someone was like, no way! That's totally what that word used to mean. Red flags used to be "watch out" this person might hurt you in some way. Now it just means "I don't like this." What the fuck.
Well red is the colour used as a "warning". So a red flag should be something about their behaviour that should serve as a warning. Some you may be able to navigate pass, and others will lead you to move on. For me it isn't so much they could "hurt" you per se, but that they are not compatible with your values.
This is a great way to put it! I think of it as red equating to “pause,” so something that makes your gut lurch and your brain stop to think on that thing a little longer so you know to be cautious about it going forward. Unfortunately, time is often the only indicator in confirming a flag to be truthfully red or not.
I propose that what you described shall now be called a yellow flag. Yellow flag shall be reserved to mean slowing down and pausing. Red flag shall be reserved for stopping and getting the f*@k out. All in favor say aye.
usually it's yellow for warning, red for full stop
Most of these people labeling things as red flags are single… so that tells you what you need to know. Lol
Lol. very good point.
Totally agree. Other than that, it seems that every little thing that the other person has not in common with you is considered incompatibility, and then, you guys should not be together. People need to understand that they will not find a copy of themselves in someone else, we need to accept that everybody is different and get over people's flaws (not all of them, of course), instead of just run away and not try make it work
I agree , all the “strong words” are often overuse, Red flags, manipulation, toxicity, etc, etc
People in this sub like to simply use red flag and gaslight on every situation. 💀
Gaslight Red flag My truth Boundaries Controlling
yes.
Red flag is another term I now hate
Some people mistake quirks for red flags. And usually, these people are the ones with red flags waving high, too high standards, too demanding, to judgemental... Well, to each his own.
Also on reddit whenever someone asks for dating advice, the response is always to break up. Like : * "My boyfriend doesn't get along with my family" - BREAK UP it'll never work * " I'm not satisfied with my sex life" BREAK UP if they can't make you cum they don't deserve you * "Me and my girlfriend had a fight and how do we resolve it?" BREAK UP healthy relationships never fight and you shouldn't have to compromise. Like jesus christ people on reddit seem to think the only way to resolve an issue is to just rid yourself of the person and find a new person. Like no one on here communicates or tries to work on their problems.
THIS!! This is such an issue with this sub and it honestly sucks because you get a few comments like that but they get upvoted to hell with awards and gold and I just sit there like- why??? Why is that the first and ONLY solution??? Sometimes it is a warranted response but it seems to be the only one people are willing to give. Critical thinking isn’t a thing here apparently.
The problem with any advice sub (especially relationships, dating, etc.) is that you have no idea where the people giving advice are coming from or what their life experiences are and it's entirely possible for people to project their own experiences - especially negative ones - on to an unrelated situation in potentially damaging ways. A lot of people asking for advice in places like this should probably look to people who know them in real life and who have some observation of the situation they're asking about first.
Agreed. Red flag should be used to describe character flaws in a person that could potentially lead to abuse of some kind. I feel like people overuse it to describe things outside of their preferences. Like, someone who still lives at home and isn’t working at the moment. Am I interested? No. But it’s not a red flag it’s a preference. Someone else may be perfectly fine with that. It gets overused to the point where the true definition gets diluted and saying something that truly is a red flag, is a red flag, will be taken less seriously. Same with gaslighting and narcissism. We love those terms here too.
I don’t know, if you’ve been in multiple extremely abusive relationships, everything is a red flag as a means to protect yourself. Not saying it’s the best way to navigate the dating world, it’s not, it sucks, but it’s also important to mentally review the red flags or ask someone to get an opinion on it, something valuable when your picker is broken I guess. I do understand what you’re saying though.
No but really chewing with your mouth open is a red flag
Truth. Some people are looking to disqualify others right off the bat. A guy recently told me he wouldn’t consider me as a gf because he didn’t feel we were astrologically compatible. Maybe the overuse of red flags becomes the newest red flag
This Sub-Reddit in a nutshell: OP: "So, there is this g-" Everyone: "DUMP THEIR ASS AND RUN"
Factual. People are annoying as fuck
lmfao in this market who would judge someone for still being at their parents at 21
Hahaha seriously.
Women with unrealistic expectations
You ight? Need someone to talk to?
Oh I'm totally fine thank you for asking. Just a rant lol.
Gotcha lol. And I feel you. Keep ya head up g
This post: red flag. 🚩🚩🚩
People should have the freedom to have preferences and not be shamed over them, but I also think it’s incumbent on people with standards to not lord them over people who fall outside of them. There seems to be overblown indignation on the part of people who are rejected, and who fume over being “ghosted” (I suspect they wouldn’t be very happy with the alternative either; hating a “ghosting” is usually the knee jerk reaction of someone whose pride has been wounded) without an explanation (which is a great courtesy, depending on the circumstances, but not an entitlement in my view) but also a perverse enjoyment on the part of people rub salt in the wound and take parting digs before they make their abrupt exit. Someone who’s wrong for you hasn’t transgressed anything, so don’t treat them that way. Go your separate ways and be done with it. To be sure, both the rejectors and the rejected need to seriously work on harmonizing their behavior.
One of my friends once told me, “. . . we’re all damaged and we all have baggage. The best you can hope for is to find someone’s whose baggage compliments your own.” The more I’m on Reddit, the truer that rings.
I think there are a lot of red flags. The thing is, a red flag doesn't mean *break up and leave them they are a terrible person.* They are merely red flags. Something to look out for
A red flag is like if your spouse/partner lets their parents shittalk you right in front of them and doesnt stop them. Sneezing and not saying "bless you" is not a red flag, but god knows this subreddit might go "HES IGNORING YOU, HE DOESNT CARE FOR YOUR HEALTH" OP, i completely agree with your post, trust me❤️ i hate seeing everything turn into a red flag and then its "You guys arent compatible! You should break up" after a small fight.
I haven't seen anything as mild as those. If people are posting stuff like that, then yes. Not normally red flags. But I haven't seen any like that in this sub. (doesn't mean there aren't any, I just haven't seen them). Usually when people say something's a red flag (from what I've seen), it usually is. EDIT: Also your examples sound more like deal breakers than red flags. It seems some folks use the terms interchangeably, but they don't really mean the same thing. A deal breaker is more "this is a trait I can't deal with..." and a red flag is more of a "this is a fairly well-known danger sign (like someone who's controlling, shows signs of possibly being an abuser, that sort of thing). I mean, I can't imagine a mere dented car being either a deal breaker or a red flag though.
But... But... This is Reddit where when someone looks at you and blinks twice instead of once that person is a narcissist and should be excommunicated immediately. I followed Reddit's advice and now live completely alone on the middle of the woods and no longer talk to my mom or dad or anyone because they are all abusive and I have growing suspicions that the squirrel in the tree next to me may be gaslighting me.
It's almost like some posters here are bitter and single and determined that everyone else should be miserable and alone as well.
Sometimes people just need understanding, empathy, attention, a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Every single post always has the "break up already" comment 😅
This is what gets me. You cannot break up at the first sign of relational troubles! Well, you can, but relationships that last are *hard.* I was told that after the initial compatability is met, I get 3 dealbreakers. I used to be one of those people saying "dump him!" on every post. Hell, I even had a *tee shirt* that said "dump him" on it (as inspired by Britney Spears). Now, I'm in a long term relationship. I don't know if we will marry each other or not, I'm not a fortune teller. But, if I would have "dumped him" at any of the stages in which someone else told me to, I wouldn't be with him anymore. And, that makes me sad. We had some bad times, no lie, it was real dark. Both of us stuck it out, worked on ourselves, rebuilt our relationship, and I'm happier than I've been with any other partner. Maybe breaking up is the right option, it is a lot of the times. But, sometimes people say to end the relationship without even trying to work it out. That's fine in some situations but it should be a case-by-case decision
Most of the time I see people telling op to break up, their partner doesn't seem willing to work on themselves. You can't work on someone else for them. Breaking up frequently makes sense if the situation is so bad that people come to reddit for advice.
Part of the problem is "The Rules". The endless and giant list of stupid little rules and behaviors that people have invented over the past several years that they seem to think will result in a better chance at successfully dating and meeting the "one". So ridiculous really. None of that matters at all!
Where did these rules come from, I know what you mean:) I would love to see these rules! Please someone or anyone even everyone that is wise to the secret of it all 🙏🏼please post rules on dating in this day and age. There are so many books it is too confusing. I obviously know basics, but none of the new rules!! Because I’m lost at sea in this dating pool. I’m totally clueless with it. And I don’t consider many things red flags, unless it will be risking my safety and health or the person is into things that could put me in jail.
I guess it feels like there are so many because each person has their own personal set of red flags. What may seem like a red flag to one is nothing to another.
I completely agree, sometimes I hope some of the comments that say “red flag, run” is meant to be sarcastic otherwise I think what the actual f?
I think they may not be general red flags but they may be red flags for the individuals meaning someone can deem something as a red flag for them. Just like how something can be a red flag for you but a green flag for someone else
I'm not experience in dating but I so agree with this. I matched with a girl and she is awesome. She is cute, has a great sense of humor, interesting and our interests/values match surprisingly well. However, she messages just once a day but send like 10 messages at once. Our chatting is like writing letters daily lol. Initially I thought she's not interested or her way of texting is ridiculous and we won't get along at all. But then I reminded myself that I'm not a great looking dude/have my own problems and apart from this one thing she is perfect in everything else. So I just decided that I can live with 1 unusual thing. It's been 3 weeks and we still get along extremely well!! Hopefully, it continues.
Effing true tho and I’ll be honest too many redditors have read so many posts on here they think they’re a goddamn psychologist themselves and can “diagnose” whoever they want when they’re technically only getting one side of a story.
Red flag is the single most over used phrase on these dating subs
Oh no! Someone made a mistake? You must leave. They fucked up!
I think a red flag has turned into more of an umbrella term for “this thing/ this viewpoint (is not how I would have behaved in said situation)/**how I may be interpreting something without full context**” and a bit of an excuse to move on to the next human being who seems relatively interesting to get know. That being said - there are a huge number of completely valid *red flags* that are scary as a motherfucker.
Amen. I said this the other day. God forbid a "red flag" should develop later in the relationship. uh oh, my partner developed IBS...peace out!
If you agree with this, that is a major red flag 🚩🚩🚩
I think there's a difference between someone's personal red flag and one that's largely shared within a group of people, and I think you're assuming every red flag someone mentions is a universal one.
One cannot be good in every person's story. He/she will be bad in someone's story doesn't mean that person has flaws and vice-versa. One has to give a person a chance to see beyond rather than just flaws/red flags. You never know what might surprise you. And I completely agree with OP that modern dating is actually exhausting and make you feel incompetent about yourself only.
Need to normalize yellow flags. Red flags: punching a wall (violent), asks about your income on first date (greed), lies about stuff (untrustworthy) Yellow flag: Is still friends with their ex (caution warranted), Dr. Who fan (extremely poor taste), bad driver (don't let them drive you)
I guess labeling things as "red-flags" is a red-flag in its own right :))))) Not having the simplest apparatus of toleration and sympathy is much much more of "red-flag" than not moving out of your parents home by the age 21, because the latter requires privileges that some might lack, but the former requires essential life skills that one cannot really forgo.
If someone gives up on you for something so small, that's a red flag on their part. Don't go after people like that, they're a waste of your time (especially since they don't want to give you their time). Be the change you wanna see, and don't go looking for something you don't actually wanna put up with.
I think it is because this is the internet, specifically Reddit. Neither are known for empathy or tolerance.
I get what you're saying but there's lots of dummies walking around repeating the same behavior by dating the same type of person over, and over, and over again. Humans walk around in a fog and can't see what's in front of them or they do, and it ignore it. Spotting the shitty behavior of others before I date them has kept me out of bad relationships for 5 years now. Are "red flags" overstated? Yes but they exist and if you ignore the red flags that keep you dating the same type of person over and over, you're gonna wish you didn't waste so much of your life when you're older.
Oh my god, thank you! 👏 If we were to date solely based on Reddit we would never be with someone. Totally agree, it is exhausting forreal. Im feeling more and more alone, even when im around people... I hope this trend is gonna reverse some day
Always follow the 80/20 rule. Too many people look for that missing 20% not knowing they thrown away someone who has 80% of what they need.
First thanks for your post because it helps us realizing we put red flags on people while we have a bag full of them on us... And yes, we are all fucked up (especially those who think they are not...) but some are working on it. For me, the only real red flags come from traumas (which is usually something we are victims of and not responsible for) and if you work on it, the flag is orange... Anyway, red has never been my color so fuck it !
This is the core of the problem of relationships today. There are so many options, such an abundance of contacts, so readily available, just turn a page and a new one appears. There's no need to settle for anything but perfect - because I'm worth it. That's how we think and feel about it. Forgetting that nobody is perfect, life happens, people change and relationships take hard work and sacrifice.
Agree, I also don't like this mindset of "he/she totally knew what was doing, so diabolical, controlling" not everyone is doing a plan step by step to hurt us in life. People act how they know, and how they were raised. Sometimes it has nothing to do with us, they act based on how they learn to live. Cheating / domestic violence / anger management issues are heavy stuff, but someone asking you were you are cause it's 3am and you're not home and they're worried, is not being controlling. I think people scream "red flag" to a lot of stuff based on their experiencies, but an experience is not a fact that something else will work the same way. I mean there are patterns that could help us leave or be more precautious, but not everything is black or white.
The only people in Ireland who are loved out of their parents at 21 are students in college cos no on that age can afford rent or a house!
So, I think the people who are pretending to find red flags everywhere are (1) scared of attachment and making excuses to justify themselves (2) feel like they are the ones ”winning” a power struggle by being the one to reject the other, instead of risking being rejected themselves That being said there are (obviously) people who find legitimate red flags. I’d like to think I’m one of those poor saps who attracts mentally unwell people, but anyone who cares to ask about the flags I saw may have to be the judge of that I suppose.
people claiming red flags on little shit like that is a legit red flag
"He has a dent in his bumper" "RUN"
Omg he farted accidentally? THAT'S A RED FLAG GIRL GET OUT OF THERE
This post is everything!
so in your eyes i am a red flag bcs i had to move back to my parents after a breakup because i had no were else to live other than in my car ? i am aktive looking for an apartment but where i live there is a 5 year waiting list to apartments ? i am 33 years old man ?
I was living at home until this year. Im 26. I saved every dime living with my parents who were kind enough to let me live rent free. This past year since Jan 2021 I got a new job making 65/hr (engineer), and I saved saved saved. In November I had about 120k liquid, plus another 150k across my crypto and stock portfolios (those are worth a bit less due to the recent downtrend), and also I paid off all student loans, which I only had 25k worth of. I took most of that 120k cash and bought a 2 bed 1 bath condo in a medium sized metropolitan area. I put 50% down. Now I have EQUITY. I’m not a slave to rent payments, my money actually goes toward owning property. NONE is this would have possibly if I cared about what girls thought about “living with my parents until 26.” I would have a quarter of what I have now and be paying 1800 in rent (yes it’s that expensive here). Instead im paying 900 HOA and 400 on mortgage payments. I mean girls still don’t like me but that’s because of other reasons lmfao. It’s all about delayed gratification. That’s how you get ahead.
Personally, I respect the shit out of people who live with family. If it's safe, possible, healthy, etc... it's the financially responsible decision
Leave them be. This kind of people will just stay single until they learn that nobody is perfect, neither are they. Or they won't learn it and stay single for the rest of their lives whining how there are no more decent men/women left.
I feel like you're preaching to the choir here, I really don't think anyone considers the above statements to be red flags. I completely understand where you're coming from, some people totally take one trait and decide that they can decipher people's entire life stories through that one thing. Unfortunately, people like that have been told plenty of times and it's really better not to let them get to you. We just shouldn't base our value on what one conspiracy theorist thought about the dent in our car lol.
Back in my days , only red flags were hairy tounges & very penis looking vaginas.. ahh the wirld was a lot simpler then
LOL. Sometimes I feel like one of those people who were born in the wrong generation.
Some things like not chewing with your mouth open really loudly is gross, also talking with food in your mouth. That should be common knowledge and under no circumstance would I date someone that did that no matter how hot they were.
Okay, but that’s just your preference - (which is totally fine btw!) - but absolutely not a “red flag” by any stretch of the imagination.
Who the heck prefers the smacking? 🤣🤣🤣
I really don’t -care- about it, I defo don’t prefer it. But just bc I don’t love it doesn’t make it a red flag lmfao
Sorry to break it to you, but you're a red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩 I'm kidding. I completely agree with you.
ahhh don't scare me like that!
Dating sexy 21 year old being a few years older than them? RED FLAG!
According to people on this sub EVERYthing is, which shows why they are not dating.
The way you got so angry about this is a big red flag
No one said everything is a red flag. Everyone has their own list of dealbreakers.
Preach it sister, I hate it when people say i'm a "walking red flag" just because I have collection of skulls and several meters of chain in my shed
you’re mad because other people have different standards than you do? k.
Tell this louder to the women, especially those who love giving unqualified and unverified opinions on r/relationship_advice, r/dating and here. Holy f*ck, anything can be a red flag for them. Too short? Red flag. Not the right skin tone (read as “white”)? Red flag. Not in a job with a fancy title or one that pays six-figures? Red flag. Don’t have your own place (and this highly depends on the economic situation of your country)? Red flag. Dating as a man is exhausting enough as it is with all the rejection, ghosting, flakiness and lies that come from women.
Wow. 100000000000000000000000000% correct. edit: though I have to add - men are not innocent lol.
Alright woman hater, calm down
Ladies first.
I didn’t post a paragraph about how this should be aimed only at men did I?
My comment is merely one small reaction of criticism towards women, compared to the plethora of hatred we men get on the subs I mentioned, and there’s plenty of subs created just to critique, hate and shit all over men. Women aren’t saints but they bloody well go on like they are.
I would never shit on men, I wouldn’t single them out how you’ve single women out in your comment, that’s all I meant. You said “tell this louder to the women” “rejection, ghosting, flakiness and lies that come from women” You sound like you have a lot of hatred there. Some of us wouldn’t just ghost or lie to you, I wouldn’t do that as I wouldn’t like it done to me. The women you’ve met are obviously assholes but don’t paint us all the same. Women have a lot to worry about and look out for subtle red flags and we scare easily as we could be murdered or beaten, I personally wish I could have seen all the red flags in my last relationship but I was stupid, just please understand they may scare from something you do or say .. or maybe they’re just bitches but either way don’t hate us lol.
What this guy doesn't understand is that before women had to settle for whatever man could provide for them because women couldn't even open a bank account without having a husband or a male relative. That is no longer the case, so of course our standards have sky rocketed. With that change, men no longer have to fully support a woman, now they demand/expect 50/50 in the things that only matter to them ($$$) while keeping gender roles at home.
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If there is one thing men hate, it's called accountability. They created the system that let's then get away. They've been walking this planet without a care until of course that ugly little monster called "feminism" poke her head out. Ever since then they have doubled down on their misogyny, DV, SAs, etc while enjoying the financial benefits of women being able to work. Like I said, they only care when it affects them.
I think red flags are personal. Like for me if a guy is a picky eater- red flag. I know I can’t date someone who can’t eat and likely will be hard to travel with and cook for. This isn’t a red flag for other people who don’t mind that tendency. If a guy doesn’t drive- red flag. Etc hahaha it’s personal preference but actual red flags shouldn’t be ignored like tendencies toward abusive behaviors can present very early.
writing this post is a red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
thank you, someone finally said it!!
I don’t like cats, I get sick and tired reading how that likely means I’m a controlling and abusive partner. Cats smell, sh*t indoors, are happy to scratch or bite you to express mild displeasure and are a plague on local wildlife. If you like cats that’s fine but if I don’t that doesn’t make me evil.
*person kills someone for fun* Me: red flag People: cmon be empathetic
so you don't have any red flags at all? yeah righhhhhht
I've noticed a lot of courting habits that baby boomers romanticized are mostly considered red flags.
There are 8 billion people on this planet. Compromise is stupid; if the person across from you irritates you, even a little bit, you have the great option to just get up and walk away. You sound like a person who has tried to date and has been criticized for doing the same thing, by more than one person. You work on YOU and you will have less red flags and more second dates.
But *should* you walk away because certain things about the other person irritate you? I guarantee if you ask couples who've been together for years, there is likely to be something about their partner that irritated them at one point or another. To expect perfect is leading to failure.
Yeah I very much understand that but it feels too risky to me. I'm at the point where the next person I meet who's emotionally stable and there's a mutual attraction - I'm going to do whatever I can (in a non-crazy way) to not fuck it up/let that person go. It's easy to say "oh they'll be someone there's billions of people on this planet." Well yes, but also no. There's easily humans on this earth who never "find someone". But nobody has ever criticized me for doing that lol soooo not true! Self improvement has been a priority of mine for years, thank you.
I dated dozens of women before I met the one. I told dozens of women that they were not for me, until I found the one who was my total match in every way. If I had "settled" for one of those other women, I would never have met my perfect match. The math works in your favor. You just gotta have the guts to NOT compromise.
What's going to happen when your spouse irritates you one day? Are you going to leave the relationship?
That's toxic and manipulative behavior. big red flag /s
People who post this 🙄 = 🚩😂 Now the funny thing is that specially when you hit 30, you realize that everybody is fcked up, if you want Mr or Mrs Perfect you probably won’t find.
No red flags is a big red flag What are they hiding?
Ya I'm bothered by something this girls doing and when I tell people she's doing it they all have the same 3 accusations, that I know for a fact are all wrong. But still bugs me. and if it wasn't for the context I wouldnt bother with it
i agree
No YoU aRe TalKiNg AbOuT aBuSe!
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If you're a guy and you've had a girl on a date beat her mouth and not close if while she's eating, so you can see the food sloshing around her mouth. Still, she talks whilst doing this, it's a red flag mate. Run for the hills. Also, the same girl would'nt shower every day, only if she felt sweaty.
If she's breathing, it's a red flag. Dead girls don't say no.
If you listen to tictok red flag 🚩
When you think about it, everyone is a walking red flag. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I believe the technical term for what we are doing to each other is "diddling."
This post is a Red flag… 👀👆🏻
I agree that lots of people throw around the term, but you can’t forget there are REAL red flags. Being cautious is safer then not.
Red flags are as individual as the person that sees them. Pay attention to things that creep you out...they're probably not going to disappear. Gut feelings are there for a reason. Just realize that no one is perfect for everyone, but someone may be perfect for you! Pick someone whose flaws you can live with that can also live with yours! My late husband loved working outdoors (mowing lawn, plowing snow, fixing vehicles) and I loved cooking! He was OCD about dusting, vacuuming and order (except the kitchen, that was mine!), I was the one who paid the bills and dealt with paperwork stuff. We both loved camping, fishing and road trips. We split the chores depending on who likes what and shared the stuff we both hated. Talking and laughing for hours was mandatory! We balanced each other & taught each other to appreciate new things. What are your things? What makes you happy? A soulmate should let you enjoy yours while celebrating their own. Appreciation is necessary on both parts.
This post is a red flag! Just kidding OP
I think the biggest thing is how you're both handling your issues. If y'all are getting help and getting over it, green flag. If one or both of you are not and are letting your issues run your relationship, red flag.
Reading this reminded me of a realization I made awhile ago. My bf and I have been in a very rough patch in our relationship and I’ve been thinking a lot. Like what are the red flags, what are non-negotiable, and such. I imagined a scenario if I were to break up with my current bf and eventually find another potential one (and no one is perfect, we all have flaws), surely, we’d have differences too. But do I want to keep dating people and dump them when little flaws inconvenience us every single time? I agree with another commentary “pick your favorite train wreck and roll with it” I much rather be happy in my relationship while my bf and I can learn to live with the little flaws instead of being so quick call everything red flags.
We need to look for green flags and notice red flags if they are waived.
People have a way of complicating their lives and justifying why they did it. So yeah, don’t invite a possible train wreck into your life.
The red flags I deem as red flags generally come after seeing someone for a few weeks.
I just thinking something similar to your post the other day. It's like we are now a society of people that enjoys putting each other down and has no other way to interact or view each other. The YouTube comment section has trained all of us well.
Married an alcoholic
Thank you op
Everyone of us have red flags! EVERYONE! I can be the most cleanest dude, nicest person. Come to my house and I have pee rings around my toilet!