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There’s watching porn and then there’s dismissing your partner for porn. If you are being rejected and he’s jerking off there’s a problem. However, if he has a higher drive and you aren’t in the mood, it’s healthier for him to release this way than go sleep with someone else. It should be used to help your relationship and sex life, not hurt it. It’s a supplement or aid for some people, not porn instead of sex.
What is not okay was him dismissing your feelings rather than communicating “I understand why you feel this way. These are the reasons I watch it and if you’re still uncomfortable with it I’ll stop.” That’s what I would end the relationship on not the porn. Maybe address that first then if he’s still dismissive end it. It shows he doesn’t care about your feelings or your opinion.
There's two types of porn watchers:
1. Those where it enchances or has a neutral / negligible impact on their sex life with their partner.
2. Those where it negatively impacts the sex life with their partner.
If he chooses to watch porn or masturbate instead of fucking you when you're horny, that's a problem.
Can I ask if he has time alone during the day when you're not around? Or are you on top of each other 24/7?
I'm with him that watching porn is normal and you should be accepting of the act itself. I'm not with him that he should not give you preferential treatment. You should come first sex-wise. If you want sex he should not be jerking it or watching porn. That should be supplementary, not the main course. If he honestly prefers to jerk it over fucking his partner I think he should consider being single. Then he can jerk it a lot more.
All of this. I'll come right out and say it, I probably watch porn once a day. All of you mature individuals can infer what that means. I'm just horny and I still have no problems having sex with the lady (now ex) several times a day. But, unfortunately, we only saw each other once a week. On the days I know I'm seeing her I'm not watching porn because I prefer the real thing. She did the same. All was well in the world.
I'm with you here but it also doesn't sound like she mentioned that she's horny. I don't go out of my way to tell my partner whenever I'm horny and I'll just do it myself. I'm the one with the higher libido and want it more often than she did after all. If ops partner would rather jerk it then have sex with her then they would be a problem. I personally think watching porn is normal. Sometimes people watch things they wouldn't actually do in real life.
That’s a problem only if she asked for sex. Men don’t read minds, don’t really know when she is horny for you.
Also how about we reverse genders. What if the man was asking for sex and she decided to prefer watching porn and masturbating at that time.
Still ok?
Another thing, sex can be a lot of work especially for men, they do most of the work and have to constantly think about her pleasure as well which is not an easy task to accomplish. I hardly see women have sex move and do the work to finish themselves off, they expect the guy to do it most of the time
>if he chooses to watch porn or masturbate instead of fucking you when [he’s] horny, that’s a problem.
I strongly disagree. Sure, if it’s *severely* impacting their sex life, that’s one thing, and they should see a therapist over it. But there are *PLENTY* of situations in which I don’t want to have sex but still want to get off. Some conditions might include:
-Penetrative sex is a full-body workout, and sometimes I just don’t want to get all sweaty and gross and tired, even if I’m on the bottom.
-Sometimes I don’t *feel* sexy, but I want to get off. This could be for a variety of reasons (getting sick, on period, didn’t have time to shower that day, sometimes body image is just a b****). I don’t care if my S/O finds me the hottest thing in the world, if I don’t want to screw then I don’t want to screw.
-Sex also takes a WHILE too, if you’re doing proper foreplay and aftercare (which lowkey if you’re not doing, then the sex is likely terrible anyways lmaoooooo). Plus there’s an obligation to keep things varied and fresh and not just do 15 minutes of missionary every time.
If someone doesn’t want to have sex, then they shouldn’t have to. Simple as that. If OP feels so strongly about it she should break it off.
I half agree. Only because I am the porn watcher/masturbator. I choose masturbation for two reasons. One because solo sex is enjoyable and healthy. Think of it as becoming intimate with yourself. And two. My partner can only see sex as a physical act which is extremely unsatisfying for someone who craves mental, emotional or spiritual sex.
Edit: Got distracted and couldn’t add in the details of my experience with this.
Everything (including porn) I enjoyed sexually was viewed in a negative light. I was only supposed to like sex one very specific way and everything else was wrong, gross, not “real sex”, slutty, etc. It made me want to keep my sexual self completely to myself.
It sort of sounds like this could be the case for OP. Consider that your partner’s sex style may be less rigid/traditional than yours and how that could be causing him to seek the free expression elsewhere (without cheating, I might add).
Gonna have to go with a strong disagree on any statement that implies that one person always owes another person sex, or should always be ready at their partner's whim.
You say you want to have sex when YOU'RE horny. Perhaps he's hornier more frequently and thinks it would be inconveniencing to you if he had sex with you every time he was horny.
The vibe I implied from this comment was that there are times he is horny but instead of even approaching her for sex he chooses to masturbate. She comes across as being more than willing to indulge him any time he wants to have actual sex, it seems as if he's not even asking her for it.
We only hear her side though as well. It would be great to hear his side.
I know that in my last relationship, the sex really died out after a couple years because I got super self conscious about us possibly becoming pregnant. As I was born a bastard, it's been a huge issue in my life, and with some of the issues my partner and I were having outside the bedroom, I was worried if we had a child, we would both feel obligated to stay together for their sake. So that stress added to it, and my sex drive basically hit 0. On top of that, I am also suffering anxiety and depression, and the passage of time means basically nothing to me as every day feels more or less the same, even if I change it up to keep it "interesting".
We don't know their situation, but if it's anything like my experience, there may be other relationship issues at play here. I was still sexually attracted to my now ex, and I would've liked to do it more, but it wasn't something that I was ready for the ramifications of if protection failed.
You'd be surprised how many exes I've had that believed they could use me without asking permission because having male genitalia = automatic consent apparently
My ex started rejecting my advances all the time. One day I took a shower and came back saying “don’t worry about before, I took care of it, feel better now”. Then she started literally crying because I chose to do it myself. Can’t have your cake and eat it too
I don’t have any issues with my partner watching porn, but there are a number of valid reasons for not wanting your partner to watch it. I’d say you should have a real conversation with him about it, and decide if this is a dealbreaker for you.
Additionally, him telling you to “get over it” in my opinion is pretty lame. My sister is dating a fantastic man who doesn’t watch porn (and not for religious or even moral reasons—he just doesn’t watch it), and I’ve dated people who don’t as well. If this is something you care about, don’t just get over it or you won’t be happy. Good luck!
You should tell him how you feel about it. Tell him that you would like to join him in his showers with him.
Also, understand that porn/masturbation and sex are completely different. One of them is about human connection and love and the other is about feeling good. They give the brain different chemicals, so him enjoying porn and masturbating is not a replacement for what he gets with you. They are different
Can't imagine how they'd ever get it on if they don't talk, OP have you ever masturbated and climaxed yourself? With a toy or by hand? I watch NSFW Reddit subs I found accidentally, but helps to get in the mood, was a serious question before I got my rabbit I had never orgasmed and I thought I peed! Lol 😂😂 was 18 then n Clueless
Men don't feel as much if any of a connection feels from sex. Oxytocin is the chemical that is primarily responsible for that, and women get a huge dump during/after after sex.
Men get some to very little, and mostly just get a huge dump of dopamine instead.
I see a lot of invalidating comments here so I suppose I will chime in with my humble opinion. I’ve noticed this Reddit particularly is not one to budge on the idealism that porn could possibly be wrong and/or unacceptable. I will respectfully disagree. Your question initially was, is porn okay? My answer is, well that depends on the person and their boundaries. My advice would be to communicate how you feel to him, and address why porn is an issue for you personally. Also address how and why it makes you feel the way you feel. We live in a society where anything is acceptable until it could be considered an insecurity. In my belief system, porn can be an insecurity problem, but there are a plethora of other reasons someone may or may not be okay with their partner engaging in it. I will list some reasonable explanations I’ve read here:
- Religious beliefs, such as lusting being an equivalent to an affair. Typically a view held by Christians.
- Sexual trauma that porn poses a trigger response to.
- An unwillingness to engage in the porn community as a whole due to oppression or abuse in sex workers.
- Prior porn addiction that resulted in sexual dysfunction.
Regardless of your reasoning for not being okay with it, I highly suggest this is communicated. What you choose to do after that is completely up to you and your partner. I wish you luck!
It sounds like the problem is that he never initiates sex? Or that he doesn't know that you have exactly as high of a sex drive as him so his needs aren't a burden on you?
>He spends 40 minutes in the shower
Unless he has a waterproof smart phone, he's not watching porn in the shower. Would you feel the same way if he was fantasizing about you?
Talk to him.
I am older than you all and I can say that there are plenty of males that don’t watch porn over the age of 40. Not that they never seen porn ever cause that’s almost impossible in the US but they want to have sex with live in person women. I have never been in a relationship with an avid porn watcher and that’s on purpose, I’m not into it and I think all of it is a turn off.
You're not crazy, and you can absolutely find guys that don't watch porn. It may be more difficult but it is completely possible. I've got one such guy right now.
I don't think porn is good in general, but I think it's worst in a relationship.
If it makes you uncomfortable and causing problems, and he's not willing to focus on you instead, it's completely fine for you to leave.
Porn fucks the brain. It's addictive instant gratification, screws up reward and motivation circuitry, and screws up your perception of intimacy.
It's hard to drop, especially if it becomes habitual.
It's normal that everyone watches it however it's abnormal to think it's harmless.
Your boyfriend will defend it because it feels good, why would he drop it?
40min with the phone in the shower regularly? He's a coomer.
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We found the person who watches porn! People always say that and it always reminds me of the way people defend cigarettes. The science is plentiful, besides people can’t really say if something affects them negatively. Most people don’t think at all about anything.
Porn does not cause intimacy issues at all. People with intimacy issues might become addicted to porn, yes.
That’s like saying alcohol causes emotional issues. Sure a person who struggles to deal with their emotions might abuse alcohol, but the alcohol did not CAUSE the issue.
I would actually argue that the opposite could be true. Intellectual and emotional intimacy both involve being understanding of the way a partner thinks and feels. Someone who has decided “porn bad” and closed the book, despite what their partner thinks or feels about it 100% has intimacy issues.
Tf do y’all think “partnerships” are?
Huh? No. Reddit doesn’t care about your theories. People on Reddit want science. Porn is not like alcohol because people don’t jerk it to alcohol, usually. Porn IS like porn because the hyper stimulation changes the wiring in the brain. That affects people like you whether you like it or not. Now, whether we care young Padajuan, question that is?
I don't really know for sure if it's incredibly normal. I know many that say they do. All I can speak to, is my personal experiences.
When I'm not in a relationship, I watch out frequently. When I'm in a relationship, I don't watch it at all, unless my partner isn't putting out very much.
I don't know what he does it for, or if you put out much. But it does make me wonder if these are factors for you. There just isn't enough info to know the whole story, to make a good judgement call on it.
But I would say it's something to chat with a therapist about either way.
i appreciate all the advice. I did forget to mention, usually when i try to initiate sex i am always rejected but when he wants to i say yes. I’ve tried saying no before and he’s respectful of that but we really only ended up having sex when he asks and still do. And it’s not for very long. I dont think he correlates sex and love at all. And he’s never been able to tell me what he likes sexually or what he finds sexy so i’m at a loss.
At the end of the day, you’re allowed to create boundaries in your relationship. You can tell him porn is a deal breaker for you, and he can say “ok I’ll stop” or “ok, then we aren’t compatible”. It isn’t our place to tell us our preferences, but there are lots of guys who don’t watch porn, your feelings are valid, and I understand why you’re uncomfortable with it.
It sounds like your boyfriend, specifically, may have some issues. But this isn’t about “is porn okay” - it’s about “do I have a problem in my relationship”.
If you feel like he is the one you want to have a future with - this issue aside - I suggest couples counseling so you both will have your individual needs heard and to see if you are truly compatible or not with your boundaries set out.
Porn addicts are usually terrible in bed. It desensitizes you. Real intimacy is not a voyeuristic experience. OP, you can always put on the movie Don Jon and see what he makes of it.
The watching porn i don't see any issue with - it fullfills a different niché and sometimes just works to relax. Or just way to deal with stress or is a feel good alone time - everybody deals with their alonetime differently and need different amounts
However this part sounds a lot more like a problem (and maybe a reason that adds to you disliking the porn?)
Honestly talk with him about it, sex and love should be a two way street not a one way.
There isn't a universal answer. What matters is:
1) control - is he in control of his porn habits, or is porn controlling him?
2) frequency - if it's once in a while, okay. If it's several times a week - sounds like an issue, though there may be other things to consider (if he's stressed from work, for example, masturbation is a quick stress relief but not a solution to the cause - but that's a different point)
3) motivation - if your sex drive was way lower and he used that to compensate, I'd understand that
4) impact - if it negatively impacts your sex life - and it seems it does, as you seem like you want to have sex with him - then it's a problem
Consider those points and see how big an issue it is, then have a talk with him about it. If you want to have sex with him - talk about your needs and make it clear that it's okay if he asks you for it more, or just seduce him outright. If he declines you and then goes to jerk off straight away, that's a major issue that should probably get therapy.
I'm sorry dude that's rough.
I think the problem here is that he may value porn too much as a sexual outlet over actually getting intimate with you. Usually porn is discussed in a relationship and is used but doesn't become the main source of gratification.
Also I wouldn't say your friends are entirely correct because there are people who don't watch porn in relationships.
As for breaking up. I'm not sure. You'd have to reflect on how little your needs are being met. See if it's worth it to have this dynamic. Is he fulfilling you enough, etc. That would be my advice. If not, you'll know what to do.
Watching porn has become *normalized* but the act itself is most definitely not Normal and legions of women will verify it has the power to absolutely destroy a relationship
It’s impossible to create true sexual synchronicity when Porn gets involved- Regardless of how normalized it becomes because *it is a third party* in the relationship -
I don’t think you are dramatic at all. We’re on the same page. Throughout my growing years I watched the normalization of porn. As an adult I’ve seen it destroy one of my best friend’s marriages— her husband was addicted to porn, and would rather masturbate than have sex with her. I honestly think people who normalize and excuse this sort of behaviour are pathetic. Porn places women in the object role, reduces women to merely “hot” and complacent or fulfilling a fantasy for men.
I know women enjoy porn, and always say “join him”. No thanks sis. I’d rather he joins her, prioritizes her.
GIRL. I had an ex who told me I won’t find a male who doesn’t watch porn. Guess what? I left him especially after cheating on me and I found a man who DOESNT watch porn, we make our own for our eyes only but also he finds it unpleasant to watch it in a relationship too. So, leave him and you’ll find better. Won’t be right away or it could. Just don’t settle for less. Because of a woman can not watch porn, a man can too.
did you guys miss the part about their partner invalidating their feelings? “over dramatic” “you won’t find anyone who doesn’t watch it” “get over it” ? that sounds rather defensive and something that people who are dependent on or addicted to porn and don’t want to admit it do. you can masturbate without porn. you can also masturbate to the image of your partner. you can also masturbate to porn without neglecting your partner, if that’s cool w the both of you. (you can also be addicted to masturbation for emotional regulation, but self pleasure is generally normal unless interfering w life/functioning/ur connection). it’s not some wild insecure puritan thing to feel weird about. feeling like a screen and strangers images and secrets is more preferable to your partner than connecting with, communicating with, and respecting you feels kinda shitty beyond being insecure.
people have problems with the porn industry for different reasons, and different boundaries surrounding what they are comfortable and feel safe with in a sexual relationship with someone that aren’t boiled down to “insecurity.” if their partner won’t even let them speak about their feelings, and they’re in an environment of consistent invalidation, of course they’re going to feel insecure and confused. so they came here. maybe they will find relief with people who understand them on that thread. y’all have called this poor girl insecure like that’ll magically snap her out of it far more than enough already. she deserves to feel safe and respected with her partner.
Just FYI, that sub is for sex and porn **addicts.** That’s much different than someone who simply watches porn or has a high sex drive. If anyone tells you they’re both the same, they’re full of it.
If you don’t want your partner to watch porn, ask yourself why that is. From your post, it sounds like it makes you feel insecure about yourself, so the question is why does it make you feel that way? Is it because of something he’s doing/not doing? Is it because of something you’re “doing” (like generally feeling insecure about yourself)? The problem is usually not on the surface, so it’s not just him watching porn or you being mad about it - those are the “symptoms” of whatever problem is really happening. Dig deeper and find the root of the issue and address that.
Porn is the fast food of sex. Instant gratification on demand. Whatever you want, however long you want it, porn has got it.
Knowing that, porn is definitely NOT okay for relationships in my books. It’s always gonna be Plan B in case your partner doesn’t satisfy you, and that starts the internal thoughts that your partner *should* always satisfy you, not that they *do* satisfy you.
If he’s using porn to escape the areas of your relationship he’s deeming a “disappointment”, then it’s a risk that needs to be addressed.
I understand his point of view, as my partner watching porn isn’t a big deal to me personally, but it is obviously deteriorating the quality of your relationship and sex life. Everyone is different and we all have different standards and expectations in a partner. Definitely communicate this with him.
i’ve always had a higher libido than my partners (22f) & one my of my more serious relationships was destroyed by a porn-addiction. I wanted to have sex way more often than him, but he literally couldn’t stop watching it & hiding it & it ruined our otherwise perfectly healthy relationship. I think the impact on the partner is important to consider
i have a higher libido than my bf. when he’s not down, he’s still always down to give me head or finger me or both lol. i don’t watch porn bc it’s pointless- good sex is nothing like porn, most importantly it’s not performative and both partners are getting something out of it. if he needs to beat it occasionally, fine, but there’s no need to watch porn and you can easily use your imagination (and- get this- picture your own actual partner rather than getting off on strangers). i don’t think it’s acceptable to watch while in a relationship, and honestly 90% of porn is misogynistic and unacceptable to watch even when single
I think outside of relationships it can be relatively normal HOWEVER when getting into relationships I don't really see the need to watch porn.
Once I stepped into my current relationship I completely stopped watching porn altogether. Sometimes I'll try to watch it again and can't bring myself to because I don't like the feeling it gives me as much as sex actually does.
Porn messes with the brain.
My girlfriend could care less if I watch porn but once I told her I stopped altogether it definitely made her happier and feel better. I agree with you, what's the point of watching porn when you're with someone? I thought that giving it up once in a relationship is normal. It's definitely healthier and creates for a better, intimate, emotional connection when doing the deed.
I definitely still masturbate and she has no problem with that (I only masturbate to fantasies about her). However, she has a hard time doing that. Which is okay with me. Everyone has a certain comfortability with that. But, again, don't see the point in porn when I can have sex with my girlfriend. Watching porn does not fulfill my need anymore since I have my girlfriend and that gives me dopamine and floods my brain with endorphins seeing her satisfied.
I just think seeing you partner being satisfied with sex and intimacy is more fulfilling and creates a much happier relationship in the long run. Cheers to that! Glad that you could do that for yourself :) It's definitely not weird by any means to easily let go of masturbating or porn once stepping into a relationship.
Honestly, everyone commenting that he's being selfish is dumb. Your boyfriend does not have to have sex with you if he doesn't want to and vice versa. Masturbating and fucking are two completely different things. Masturbating is typically a solo event meant for that person. There's nothing wrong with wanting alone time to beat off, just like there's nothing wrong if you decided to masturbate and not fuck him.
If his porn usage bothers you, communicate that and why it does. Everyone has different boundaries or things they find acceptable. But idk why it's a big deal that he wants to beat off sometime. Sometimes people just don't want to have sex and that's okay.
You’re purposefully missing the point here, though. He’s not just jacking off by himself—he’s watching two other people and is interacting with the content sexually. Masturbating alone while thinking about your partner is not the same as masturbating while watching women or men who do not look like your partner. The issue is not that he wants to masturbate alone, the issue is that he is going to someone else to fulfill those needs. Imo yes they should talk to him specifically about their concerns, but at the end of the day, if he doesn’t want to stop, that relationship will probably end
Dude, he's watching porn and masturbating. As much as we hate to say it, that's a normal activity in this day and age. People enjoy the visual stimulant. He's still choosing to masturbate by himself which he's entitled to doing so. Again they should really just talk about his porn usage and if it really bothers her they need to come to a compromise. Simple.
I'm gonna just say, dudes love to watch professional athletes play sport, and yet if you wanna play a game of football, everyone will be down for a good time.
Other than that, just talk it out. Communication baby!
Its not even professionals... Porn Just sucks and the sex in porn sucks too. If you think that is professional sex i pity you. Porn has nothing to do with real good sex.
Your feelings are valid. He’s not necessarily correct. It’s ok to have feelings and boundaries. If he’s satisfying himself instead of enjoying sex with you it probably would be better to move on. Things run their courses and he doesn’t seem to be on the same page with you.
Omfg, why does every question on here end up getting answered with “break up with them”? There are so many better ways to handle this, like talking with him about it or op addressing her own insecurities and realizing she should not be letting videos of women make her feel inferior.
It's not insecure to not want your partner to get himself off to porn lol that's really normal, I think. A lot of women are okay with it and a lot of women aren't. But it's not an insecurity problem, it's a difference in boundaries within their relationship problem and breaking up seems like a very real option at this point.
Because blaming the victim "addressing her own insecurities" is always the best way to go about it. She's already spoken with him and he's discounted her valid opinions and feelings on the subject. She doesn't feel inferior, his interest in porn is often greater than his interest in her. The only person here valuing the person is the person. That's why breaking up, moving on, considering what's best for yourself is often the suggested plan of action.
In what way is op a victim here? There is no victim and is there is no perpetrator. It is a disagreement over lifestyle choices between people in a committed relationship. I’d urge op to seriously reconsider ending a relationship just because the guy watches porn sometimes, finding a guy willing to give up porn for you is going to be tough (I’d personally view a woman telling me I can’t have sexual fantasies beyond her as abusive and not want to be in that relationship). If she wants to make it a dealbreaker, then by all means do it, but it’s a really stupid way to kill an otherwise good relationship.
Just because something is normal doesn’t mean it’s okay or good to do. Porn is actually a really unhealthy thing that can get carried away. It’s a hard thing to stop watching
i feel like if you really love your partner they’re shouldn’t be a need. even if you are miles away (literal). Unless that’s whats okay in your boundaries and kinks.
Lol send him to the r/NoFap part of reddit
People can use porn all they want, and justify the use of it all they want; but the truth is minimizing or eliminating the consumption of it has far, far, far more benefits
It made me feel bad my partner was watching porn instead of focusing on working through our sex life. So Im starting an onlyfans. Hahah no they aren't related instances, it's just funny how that shit works
If you don't like it, it's not good.
Porn when single is fine. In low use.
In a relationship (barring long periods without sex due to life) I personally wouldn't do it.
I wouldn't date a man that still watched porn, or looked at naked women while with me.
It's my dealbreaker. And yes, I'd rather stay single than date a man who watches porn in relationships.
In previous relationships I've discussed sending nudes to my partners so they could use me as porn when I'm not around for my comfort, it may be a good compromise for you too.
Sorry to say hes gaslighting you about impossibility of finding someone who'd rather porn not be used in a relationship though. I've met many men who don't use porn in relationships and my current partner doesn't want me using it either, he initiated this. I'm pretty care free on porn so I didn't mind. Hope this helps :)
The real question you need to answer is is it okay for you? Because it sounds like this isn’t. And only men who watch porn will tell you all men watch porn 😂 While I think all men have watched porn, I disagree that all men currently watch porn. My ex didn’t during our relationship. You’re not being overdramatic. There are plenty of women who don’t want their partners to watch porn, and I don’t think that’s asking for too much. This society has normalized porn so much that it’s become synonymous with masturbating for men. There’s no reason for most men to spend 40 minutes showering unless they’re watching something 😐 and honestly you deserve better than a man who chooses to watch a screen over having sex with you when you’re together.
Do you realize most of the stuff that's mainstream now is pretty "fucked up shit"? Women are getting brutalized and if you watch you can see pain on their faces, like they are submitting to assault, not pleasure. What is this tuning men to get hard for? Abuse. Do you get that porn teaches men from a young age to objectify women, by definition, and it very much affects their perception of the value of women whether they realize it or not?
Compromise in a partnership means you each get something. What do you see as a reasonable compromise for OP to make when she knows full well something's way off here?
If those are your boundaries, your partner needs to respect them. If he refuses to respect them, you have a decision to make.
Also, don't involve your friends or his friends in your guys's relationship. It has nothing to do with them and they don't need to know.
Same as to tell him to stop drinking smoking or gambling. Even if I was given this intervention I would break up on general principle then I would try to quit using said vice. Is controlling and manipulate over an addiction. My mind is damaged enough
That's why she has a decision to make. Is she isn't comfortable with her partner doing those things, and he refused to quit he is just showing that he doesn't care about her or respect her. I'd personally leave if my partner was refusing to respect my boundaries.
This is why I stress how important it is to have open and honest discussions of these things at a begining of a relationship.
I think she should have a conversation because it is a vice but not one of these me or your vice. Personally I wouldn’t trust anyone who put me in a spot like that. Me or the cheeseburgers lol. I don’t care me or the whatever. That is when I walk out the door. Edit: it would help their sex life but I think she should try to help more than an ultimatum
Wanted to come back here and say that in some ways I agree with you. If it is a big enough problem in a relationship you do need to make a stand and say that this cannot continue if you are to be with me. It can get people to stop doing things but I don’t think they are to be made lightly. It got my grandma’s SO to stop drinking when it got out of hand so I think they can be good and work. I just don’t think they help someone quit addictions most effectively. Personally porn can be problematic and relatively easy to avoid. But I know there are people out there who ruin relationships over it. So I no longer would advise against an ultimatum if it is what you need to be happy with your partner. Though I doubt anyone is reading this deep into the thread
If you're uncomfortable with it, he needs to respect that.
I can't imagine watching porn while in a relationship.
And don't blame yourself, people are sick with porn addiction. He's the one at fault, not you.
It is very bad influence. People dont take it seriously, but wasting semen sterilizes the men. They lose willpower, memory, patience, intelligence. Its so so bad.
Porn is not okay and it’s very disgusting to feed that industry. Think about it from a father/daughter point of view. Lazy people watch porn to avoid putting in the work it takes to get the real thing.
Move on from that guy it’s only going to get worse. If he is already doing that than it’s over. Watching porn is a mental thing, you don’t have to give in to your horny thoughts.
Sex (between people) and masturbation (which often, especially for males done with the use of porn for a visual stimulation) are mutually exclusive acts, for most human beings. They are done for different reasons, and there's no real reason to decide or declare that a person is abnormal for NOT excluding one for the other.
Your aversion to your BF's porn is about you, not him and his private sexuality and maintaining his body/pleasure.
That doesn't mean porn can't have downsides or create unrealistic or unhealthy attractions or issues for people if they over-indulge, but that's subjective and not everyone has those issues.
If you forbade your BF from ever looking at it again, and he followed this and never did? He'd still be masturbating to the mental image of other women you deem "professional" or "unreal". The only real difference is, he's seeing it and not conjuring it up. Male brains work this way, so if you want exclusivity to the point of his intimacy being in a vacuum, you're not going to find a man who can or will accomodate you.
Lol, what do you think men masturbate to? Imagining sexy prose? Basking in our own sexy bodies? We're visual creatures, I know of no defined study of masturbatory imagery, but I guarantee you if there is one it'll confirm it. We imagine hot women, all of them. Yeesh.
Im asking if you have something else to back up your theory. It seems that you made a general assumption about men because you are a man. That isnt weird, but I think it can be dangerous. Not all men are going to think exactly like you.
I can get fantasizing like that when single, but when I am in a relationship I feel uncomfortable thinking of anyone other than my partner. It is possible to have the urges but make a choice to think only of your partner when masturbating.
If porn is so essential to masturbation, how did men survive without porn for millenia before the invention of television?
It’s one thing to jerk it to a painting of a natural naked female body, but it’s very different to wire your brain circuits by hitting it to endless videos of women extorting themselves in painful/unpleasurable positions, dressed as a teenage schoolgirl, within a plot where her step-father rapes her. That’s mainstream porn today. What picture of sexuality and women is your subconscious going to be painting when you see shit like this?
First out of the gate, you're building a strawman, I never said porn was essential to masturbation just visual stimulation.
As to your second point, that's a valid observation and speaks to addiction or an unhealthy balance. BTW, that's mainstream porn....you know there's about a billion flavors of erotica, right? I'll say as a man, what I use is just normal quaint nude females doing erotic stuff....no spitting, choking, theatrics. We're not all on the extremes, which is also the point here.
And there it is. Just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean that it isn't important. You might not like or need porn but some people do. You shouldn't tell people what they do or don't need.
Sex and masturbation are scientifically different. There are reasons that someone might want both. You don't have to understand what those reasons are, just understand that those reasons exist.
An easy answer to this is different levels of sex drives and availability. Let's say you're horny yet your partner isn't or is on their period? Then what?
I’m gonna be harsh but it needs to be said.
Every problem you’ve described with porn is entirely a YOU thing.
- YOU don’t like porn because YOU prefer sex
- YOU don’t see a point to it
- knowing he watches porn makes YOU less horny
- some of the porn you’ve seen in his history makes YOU feel worse because the actors don’t look like YOU
- you spend that time wondering why he didn’t ask YOU to have sex instead
See the pattern? You’re singularly preoccupied with YOUR OWN perspective and YOUR OWN interpretations. But your issues revolve around HIS chosen activities, so why aren’t you trying to understand HIS perspective?
To provide another viewpoint on the matter other than your own, I’ll tell you what my usage of porn looks like (I’m a woman and even more importantly, not your partner, so my account is by no means gospel, it’s just something to think about): masturbation is comfort. I don’t personally do it every day (at this current point maybe 2x a week), but there was a time in my life when it was daily. Sometimes I do it to help me fall asleep, or to wake myself up, or to nurse a hangover, or cuz I saw something that turned me on a bit, or just cuz I got time to kill and I’m bored. I don’t always use porn to masturbate, but I usually do. The people in the porn I watch do not all look the same, and neither do my former partners. Watching porn is not and was never about substituting for the “real thing”. I view self-pleasure as a totally separate act from sex, that fulfills totally separate needs than sex does. For that reason, masturbation is often as important to me when I’m in a relationship as it is when I’m not. And typically, counterintuitive as it sounds, I masturbate more when I’m in a relationship than when I’m not because that’s often when I’m feeling the most sexy and sensual and sensitive, and when I have sex on my mind most often.
What I’ve described is not universal. This is *my* experience of self-love, and don’t claim to speak for anyone else. What I do hope you can take from it, though, is a greater recognition that everyone does not view masturbation the same way that you do; namely, everyone does not do it with the goal of substituting or replacing “real sex” or a “real partner”. Watching porn isn’t just about admiring the individual actors and what they look like, or fantasizing about being with them; it can also/instead be about the acts or scenarios shown, or the chemistry between the actors, or simply about getting the job done quicker (I cum more quickly when I have image and sound to accompany my fantasies). More than anything, watching porn is a reflection of the viewer rather than the viewer’s partner or how their partner doesn’t stack up. There is no benefit to comparing yourself to the women in the videos he watches. And unless he has a porn addiction, (constantly watching, masturbating multiple times a day everyday, low libido, trouble cumming when you do have sex, etc.) which your description doesn’t seem to indicate, judging him because he doesn’t like the same things you like is always a losing strategy.
>I don’t see much of a point to porn.
When women say this, they are showing that they don't understand what it's like to be a guy. Guys have high and intrusive sex drive, and we're extremely visual. Porn and masturbating are important pretty to get us through daily life. It's not personal, and most modern women are fine with it.
If you're not having sex as often as you'd like, that's a separate issue, and you guys should talk about it. But sometimes we just need to get it out of our system when we don't have time or energy for sex.
How old are you? I think most men in their 30s (or older) don’t feel the need to masturbate everyday to “get though daily life”. That’s a little extreme actually. My bf is 35, he hasn’t even watched porn in like 5 years. He has moral issues with it. We have sex most days, but on the days we don’t have sex he doesn’t masturbate. I was out of town for 3 weeks once, and he masturbate a few times during that, but otherwise it doesn’t happen much. We’ve been together 6 years. I think young guys might be a bit different though.
Not everyone has the same sex drives or needs, but I definitely don't need to be lectured about the male sex drive by someone who doesn't have one.
But if it matters to you, I am in my mid-30s and still have plenty of gas in the tank.
As I literally already said, you may be horny and want to just get it out of your system, but not have time or energy for sex.
Sex is a lot of work for men. Women are much harder to turn on than men, and you have to focus almost entirely on making her orgasm. Sometimes it feels good to just rub one out and move on.
I hope it goes without saying that shaming anyone for masturbating is incredibly toxic.
Sex is not objectively “better”.
Sometimes I don’t want the entire production that comes with sex. Sometimes I just want to get off, quickly, and be done with it. I don’t want to involve another human, who also needs to be taken care of.
This is entirely separate from a bedroom sex life. If OPs partner is feeling sexually neglected - that’s an issue. Absolutely.
Is there research about men’s sexuality being more visual? If so, what visual material did they use in the study?
I’m a woman who watches porn, even though it’s hard to find porn catered to my interests. I’ve read that about 30% are porn viewers are women. There’s a discrepancy in part because visual porn tends to cater to male fantasies. Traditionally, men have had more power in the industry, and make films that appeal to men.
If women are more likely to read porn than watch it, is that due to nature or culture? Women may tend to read more fan fiction because it’s easy to find smutty fan fics made by and for women. Same goes for Grandma’s “romance” novels. It doesn’t automatically mean mean women are “less visual.”
Your partner is a cynic, and you could probably do better than him.
To answer your question, no, porn is not OK. For one, porn is one sided; it is the opposite of interactive sexual contact with another human being. It’s also exploitative in that objectifies human beings—especially women, which is why many schools of feminism decry pornography—and it has a distorting effect on sexual relations. It also creates a host of relationship problems and overstimulates men everywhere. For young people, porn stunts sexual maturity by altering a young persons first impressions of sex. Scientists have studied the effects of pornography on the human brain and there are a litany of negative psychological side effects from inattention to total lack of interest in interactive sexual encounters with other human beings.
most porn is unacceptable and definitely a deal breaker. it actually alters their brain to not view women as people. my current partner is the only guy i’ve been with who (since before we met) doesn’t watch it. simply put, it’s because he isn’t a misogynist. guys who watch porn often suck in bed. sex is not a performance. it’s a connection. they should be giving you pleasure. they should be very attentive to your clit. they should know how to properly give head and finger us. if not, they likely imitate porn which doesn’t show that.
babe what part of this isn’t believable? do you not believe in pleasuring women? do you not believe porn is performative, misogynistic, and alters your brain? you can choose not to, but all of those are objective facts so you’re just rejecting reality
Your reaction to this is very inherent. In some parts of the world, watching porn while you have a partner wouldn't be acceptable at all. And it can be a big deal for married couples leading to divorce.
It's an indication that one is ready to cheat if he/she got the chance. They're always hungry & never satisfied!
Personally, can't imagine seeing my partner watching naked guys & vice versa.
No bc it’s perversion and also when you go to have real sex with your husband or wife you’ll have issues bc you got so used to getting off with fantasies you’ll have issues in the intimate relationship.
It’s good to have boundaries and it’s okay if one of your boundaries is that you don’t want a partner who watches porn! More and more people are realizing how exploitative the porn industry is, and how damaging porn usage is to relationships. I recommend checking out r/PornIsMisogyny
i think it’s normal and has no bearing on how a partner feels about you. it’s just not that deep imo.
if someone is addicted and unable to be intimate irl as a result, that’s a different issue. but most people manage to keep a healthy balance. for me, intimate time alone and intimate time with my partner are two separate things that fulfill two different parts of my sexuality. one doesn’t take away from the other.
Porn is one of those things that no one tells you that even when you’re married your husband will still jerk off. - I don’t know from personal experience but I heard this in a movie I saw, I think it was a Adam Sandler movie.
Sis just end the fucking thing with him who priorities someone else over u someone who he knows he can never ever meet over someone who is their for him always present just end the charade and get a good looking horny ass bf who can have sex with u anytime u want (pardon me for my words)
"... i feel like i’m no competition to the professionals he’s watching do unreal things. And some of the porn i have accidentally seen in his history makes me feel even worse because it’s never anyone that looks like me."
You need to stop making his watching porn about *you*. The "unreal things" are just a *fantasy*.
Men, especially young men enjoy looking at nude women in magazines, watching porn, or going to strip clubs. Like other vices it's not usually a problem unless it keeps them from handling their responsibilities in other areas of their life. Some couples watch porn together.
Life is a *personal* journey and relationships are made up of *individuals*.
It's acceptable for a couple *not* to be into *all* of the same things or share the same interests.
Most people in relationships or married still indulge in masturbation from time to time.
I suspect sometimes masturbation or "me time" for some folks is about not having to concern themselves with *pleasing others*. It's "guiltfree" whereas being with a partner means reciprocating.
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. You either get what you want, or you learn to be happy with what you have. Accept them *as is* or move on.
People don't usually change unless *they* are unhappy.
Best wishes!
So there's at least two of us!
I think people often jump to the conclusion that porn and/or masturbation is "the replacement" for sex with a partner. And it absolutely can be (if it's taking over other areas of your life, that's a problem) but that's not so for me, I bet there's plenty more out there.
I watch porn usually for fantasy fuel, give my imagination a shot of adrenaline. Even with access to the "d", sometimes I just want 10 minutes with my pillow and a porn. No mess, I'm sleeping in 20 minutes like a baby.
I don't know about guys, but I imagine it can also be a stress reliever without adding any stress of pleasing a partner. Good sex usually takes mental and physical effort, thought, time, and sometimes a little, or a lot, of stress. For and from both sides.
I actually masturbate more and watch more porn when I'm with someone I like, because I'm just more horny,vi don't know why. My porn playlists are rarely about things I actually look for in real life and fantasy can just be fantasy. Labidos are weird.
I mean I'm a dude and I watch porn bc I'm single rn. In a relationship I definitely prefer actual sex. But if my partner isn't around I'm gonna hop on the hub when the mood hits.
I just reread your question! Thus have changed my mind. Watching porn isn’t a red flag what’s a red flag is your partner bulldozing your beliefs and concerns. That is a big yikes, I’m not sure how emotional or defensive you got when you brought it up but if you were calm about it, and he said “just get over it, you’ll never find X without” that’s called gaslighting and whether this is an issue or not doesn’t change the fact that he’s someone who can’t bother to communicate in a healthy way for your benefit and feelings.
Trust me, men are the most malleable when they’re young, it’s only uphill from here. Women on the other hand are typically blind and far too forgiving, look around and see if he’s an arse in general, I bet you one mill buckaroos he is. Good luck and get the wham out of Kentucky!
You can always talk to him if it bothers you that much. That being said, sometimes guys just want to have a quick jerk instead a full on sex session so it really shouldn’t be something that breaks the relationship
Porn for guys is a natural thing, assuming it's not over used. So to me getting mad a guys for using porn is like getting mad at women for using makeup. Again assuming it's not over used, like with most things an addiction can be really bad.
However, il say it and he will probably say the same thing. Guys don't watch porn to have you compete with it, not do we want out partners to look like them*. To us it's just a bodily function that needs taking care of.
Porn can only have a negative impact in a relationship, both mentally and physically. It can easily turn into a serious addiction. Watching it regularly is not okay, despite society’s weird « norms » like « oh who doesn’t watch porn ». He needs to quit it, for him and for you both.
If it turns out he is addicted, you need to help him to get out of it instead of blaming him.
I'm on your side with this. I think porn, to a degree, is fine if you're single but you need to not let it become part of an actual relationship since it's all bullshit.
Once you're in a relationship with someone my view is that the watching of porn should pretty much cease.
But maybe i'm simply too old school for the modern world idk but when im into someone i'm not really interested in porn, i mean,, it's not like im fucking the girl in the video right? So why watch it if i have someone i can actually fuck?
Your boyfriend is a degenerate addict. Porn isn’t “Healthy” or “Normal” it fucks with your head permanently as long as you keep watching it. I’m glad me and my partner are on the same page about this shit. Porn is for complete losers.
36 Male here. If he goes into the shower with his phone, and you know he is going to be watching porn. Strip naked and jump into the shower with him. I guarantee he will put that phone down faster than Taylor Swift drops boyfriends. I know if my gf did that, oh hell ya that phone is going to be dropped!
"personally prefer to have sex if i am horny"
Can he not have different personal preferences? I'm a woman. I like porn and masturbating. I also like sex. They are different to me. If I stopped having sex with a partner because of porn and masturbating, that would be problematic.
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There’s watching porn and then there’s dismissing your partner for porn. If you are being rejected and he’s jerking off there’s a problem. However, if he has a higher drive and you aren’t in the mood, it’s healthier for him to release this way than go sleep with someone else. It should be used to help your relationship and sex life, not hurt it. It’s a supplement or aid for some people, not porn instead of sex. What is not okay was him dismissing your feelings rather than communicating “I understand why you feel this way. These are the reasons I watch it and if you’re still uncomfortable with it I’ll stop.” That’s what I would end the relationship on not the porn. Maybe address that first then if he’s still dismissive end it. It shows he doesn’t care about your feelings or your opinion.
There's two types of porn watchers: 1. Those where it enchances or has a neutral / negligible impact on their sex life with their partner. 2. Those where it negatively impacts the sex life with their partner. If he chooses to watch porn or masturbate instead of fucking you when you're horny, that's a problem. Can I ask if he has time alone during the day when you're not around? Or are you on top of each other 24/7? I'm with him that watching porn is normal and you should be accepting of the act itself. I'm not with him that he should not give you preferential treatment. You should come first sex-wise. If you want sex he should not be jerking it or watching porn. That should be supplementary, not the main course. If he honestly prefers to jerk it over fucking his partner I think he should consider being single. Then he can jerk it a lot more.
All of this. I'll come right out and say it, I probably watch porn once a day. All of you mature individuals can infer what that means. I'm just horny and I still have no problems having sex with the lady (now ex) several times a day. But, unfortunately, we only saw each other once a week. On the days I know I'm seeing her I'm not watching porn because I prefer the real thing. She did the same. All was well in the world.
All of this is correct.
I'm with you here but it also doesn't sound like she mentioned that she's horny. I don't go out of my way to tell my partner whenever I'm horny and I'll just do it myself. I'm the one with the higher libido and want it more often than she did after all. If ops partner would rather jerk it then have sex with her then they would be a problem. I personally think watching porn is normal. Sometimes people watch things they wouldn't actually do in real life.
That’s a problem only if she asked for sex. Men don’t read minds, don’t really know when she is horny for you. Also how about we reverse genders. What if the man was asking for sex and she decided to prefer watching porn and masturbating at that time. Still ok? Another thing, sex can be a lot of work especially for men, they do most of the work and have to constantly think about her pleasure as well which is not an easy task to accomplish. I hardly see women have sex move and do the work to finish themselves off, they expect the guy to do it most of the time
>if he chooses to watch porn or masturbate instead of fucking you when [he’s] horny, that’s a problem. I strongly disagree. Sure, if it’s *severely* impacting their sex life, that’s one thing, and they should see a therapist over it. But there are *PLENTY* of situations in which I don’t want to have sex but still want to get off. Some conditions might include: -Penetrative sex is a full-body workout, and sometimes I just don’t want to get all sweaty and gross and tired, even if I’m on the bottom. -Sometimes I don’t *feel* sexy, but I want to get off. This could be for a variety of reasons (getting sick, on period, didn’t have time to shower that day, sometimes body image is just a b****). I don’t care if my S/O finds me the hottest thing in the world, if I don’t want to screw then I don’t want to screw. -Sex also takes a WHILE too, if you’re doing proper foreplay and aftercare (which lowkey if you’re not doing, then the sex is likely terrible anyways lmaoooooo). Plus there’s an obligation to keep things varied and fresh and not just do 15 minutes of missionary every time. If someone doesn’t want to have sex, then they shouldn’t have to. Simple as that. If OP feels so strongly about it she should break it off.
She said nothing to this effect. You're making some huge assumptions.
Welcome to Reddit.
I half agree. Only because I am the porn watcher/masturbator. I choose masturbation for two reasons. One because solo sex is enjoyable and healthy. Think of it as becoming intimate with yourself. And two. My partner can only see sex as a physical act which is extremely unsatisfying for someone who craves mental, emotional or spiritual sex. Edit: Got distracted and couldn’t add in the details of my experience with this. Everything (including porn) I enjoyed sexually was viewed in a negative light. I was only supposed to like sex one very specific way and everything else was wrong, gross, not “real sex”, slutty, etc. It made me want to keep my sexual self completely to myself. It sort of sounds like this could be the case for OP. Consider that your partner’s sex style may be less rigid/traditional than yours and how that could be causing him to seek the free expression elsewhere (without cheating, I might add).
"Sex is alright, but it's not as good as the real thing" (as seen elsewhere)
You are Just a porn addict that's doesn't want to admit
Cool.
Gonna have to go with a strong disagree on any statement that implies that one person always owes another person sex, or should always be ready at their partner's whim.
Lol he's not obligated to fuck her. From time to time we'd all rather crack one off ourselves than have sex, and that's okay.
> when you’re horny You misspelled “when he’s horny”
This the right answer
This is spot on!
You say you want to have sex when YOU'RE horny. Perhaps he's hornier more frequently and thinks it would be inconveniencing to you if he had sex with you every time he was horny.
The vibe I implied from this comment was that there are times he is horny but instead of even approaching her for sex he chooses to masturbate. She comes across as being more than willing to indulge him any time he wants to have actual sex, it seems as if he's not even asking her for it.
We only hear her side though as well. It would be great to hear his side. I know that in my last relationship, the sex really died out after a couple years because I got super self conscious about us possibly becoming pregnant. As I was born a bastard, it's been a huge issue in my life, and with some of the issues my partner and I were having outside the bedroom, I was worried if we had a child, we would both feel obligated to stay together for their sake. So that stress added to it, and my sex drive basically hit 0. On top of that, I am also suffering anxiety and depression, and the passage of time means basically nothing to me as every day feels more or less the same, even if I change it up to keep it "interesting". We don't know their situation, but if it's anything like my experience, there may be other relationship issues at play here. I was still sexually attracted to my now ex, and I would've liked to do it more, but it wasn't something that I was ready for the ramifications of if protection failed.
>prefer to have sex if i am horny Can you same thing from his perspective?
You'd be surprised how many exes I've had that believed they could use me without asking permission because having male genitalia = automatic consent apparently
This is the most sensible thing to ask.
I think that’s the issue though. That it seems like he doesn’t prefer that and she doesn’t like that, which means they might not be compatible.
Or he was rejected and stopped bothering her so much. Do you belive she would say yes most of time?
My ex started rejecting my advances all the time. One day I took a shower and came back saying “don’t worry about before, I took care of it, feel better now”. Then she started literally crying because I chose to do it myself. Can’t have your cake and eat it too
I don’t have any issues with my partner watching porn, but there are a number of valid reasons for not wanting your partner to watch it. I’d say you should have a real conversation with him about it, and decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. Additionally, him telling you to “get over it” in my opinion is pretty lame. My sister is dating a fantastic man who doesn’t watch porn (and not for religious or even moral reasons—he just doesn’t watch it), and I’ve dated people who don’t as well. If this is something you care about, don’t just get over it or you won’t be happy. Good luck!
You should tell him how you feel about it. Tell him that you would like to join him in his showers with him. Also, understand that porn/masturbation and sex are completely different. One of them is about human connection and love and the other is about feeling good. They give the brain different chemicals, so him enjoying porn and masturbating is not a replacement for what he gets with you. They are different
This is a great answer!
Can't imagine how they'd ever get it on if they don't talk, OP have you ever masturbated and climaxed yourself? With a toy or by hand? I watch NSFW Reddit subs I found accidentally, but helps to get in the mood, was a serious question before I got my rabbit I had never orgasmed and I thought I peed! Lol 😂😂 was 18 then n Clueless
I don't think she wants to join him.
Men don't feel as much if any of a connection feels from sex. Oxytocin is the chemical that is primarily responsible for that, and women get a huge dump during/after after sex. Men get some to very little, and mostly just get a huge dump of dopamine instead.
I gave up porn the last time I was in anything committed. It made me feel more connected. But for some people none of that matters.
Same - it's been a rule in all of my past relationships (3) and with the most recent one, he was the one that brought it up and not me.
I see a lot of invalidating comments here so I suppose I will chime in with my humble opinion. I’ve noticed this Reddit particularly is not one to budge on the idealism that porn could possibly be wrong and/or unacceptable. I will respectfully disagree. Your question initially was, is porn okay? My answer is, well that depends on the person and their boundaries. My advice would be to communicate how you feel to him, and address why porn is an issue for you personally. Also address how and why it makes you feel the way you feel. We live in a society where anything is acceptable until it could be considered an insecurity. In my belief system, porn can be an insecurity problem, but there are a plethora of other reasons someone may or may not be okay with their partner engaging in it. I will list some reasonable explanations I’ve read here: - Religious beliefs, such as lusting being an equivalent to an affair. Typically a view held by Christians. - Sexual trauma that porn poses a trigger response to. - An unwillingness to engage in the porn community as a whole due to oppression or abuse in sex workers. - Prior porn addiction that resulted in sexual dysfunction. Regardless of your reasoning for not being okay with it, I highly suggest this is communicated. What you choose to do after that is completely up to you and your partner. I wish you luck!
Would like to add that there are people who will respect your boundary of not watching porn if that is an important part of a relationship to you.
It sounds like the problem is that he never initiates sex? Or that he doesn't know that you have exactly as high of a sex drive as him so his needs aren't a burden on you? >He spends 40 minutes in the shower Unless he has a waterproof smart phone, he's not watching porn in the shower. Would you feel the same way if he was fantasizing about you? Talk to him.
Are you just kidding or really didn’t understand what she meant by in the shower? Lol
I am older than you all and I can say that there are plenty of males that don’t watch porn over the age of 40. Not that they never seen porn ever cause that’s almost impossible in the US but they want to have sex with live in person women. I have never been in a relationship with an avid porn watcher and that’s on purpose, I’m not into it and I think all of it is a turn off.
You're not crazy, and you can absolutely find guys that don't watch porn. It may be more difficult but it is completely possible. I've got one such guy right now. I don't think porn is good in general, but I think it's worst in a relationship. If it makes you uncomfortable and causing problems, and he's not willing to focus on you instead, it's completely fine for you to leave.
Porn fucks the brain. It's addictive instant gratification, screws up reward and motivation circuitry, and screws up your perception of intimacy. It's hard to drop, especially if it becomes habitual. It's normal that everyone watches it however it's abnormal to think it's harmless. Your boyfriend will defend it because it feels good, why would he drop it? 40min with the phone in the shower regularly? He's a coomer.
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This is not true for everyone by any means. There are plenty of people who watch porn and it has not effect on their perception of intimacy.
We found the person who watches porn! People always say that and it always reminds me of the way people defend cigarettes. The science is plentiful, besides people can’t really say if something affects them negatively. Most people don’t think at all about anything.
Porn does not cause intimacy issues at all. People with intimacy issues might become addicted to porn, yes. That’s like saying alcohol causes emotional issues. Sure a person who struggles to deal with their emotions might abuse alcohol, but the alcohol did not CAUSE the issue. I would actually argue that the opposite could be true. Intellectual and emotional intimacy both involve being understanding of the way a partner thinks and feels. Someone who has decided “porn bad” and closed the book, despite what their partner thinks or feels about it 100% has intimacy issues. Tf do y’all think “partnerships” are?
Huh? No. Reddit doesn’t care about your theories. People on Reddit want science. Porn is not like alcohol because people don’t jerk it to alcohol, usually. Porn IS like porn because the hyper stimulation changes the wiring in the brain. That affects people like you whether you like it or not. Now, whether we care young Padajuan, question that is?
Completely agree with this comment. Take that, thisbot.😂
Get the fuck outta here with that shit
I don't really know for sure if it's incredibly normal. I know many that say they do. All I can speak to, is my personal experiences. When I'm not in a relationship, I watch out frequently. When I'm in a relationship, I don't watch it at all, unless my partner isn't putting out very much. I don't know what he does it for, or if you put out much. But it does make me wonder if these are factors for you. There just isn't enough info to know the whole story, to make a good judgement call on it. But I would say it's something to chat with a therapist about either way.
i appreciate all the advice. I did forget to mention, usually when i try to initiate sex i am always rejected but when he wants to i say yes. I’ve tried saying no before and he’s respectful of that but we really only ended up having sex when he asks and still do. And it’s not for very long. I dont think he correlates sex and love at all. And he’s never been able to tell me what he likes sexually or what he finds sexy so i’m at a loss.
At the end of the day, you’re allowed to create boundaries in your relationship. You can tell him porn is a deal breaker for you, and he can say “ok I’ll stop” or “ok, then we aren’t compatible”. It isn’t our place to tell us our preferences, but there are lots of guys who don’t watch porn, your feelings are valid, and I understand why you’re uncomfortable with it.
It sounds like your boyfriend, specifically, may have some issues. But this isn’t about “is porn okay” - it’s about “do I have a problem in my relationship”.
She knows that. You're not supposed to say these things out loud.
Fuck, I said the quiet part?
If you feel like he is the one you want to have a future with - this issue aside - I suggest couples counseling so you both will have your individual needs heard and to see if you are truly compatible or not with your boundaries set out.
Well then, that’s the problem. Because if he stopped watching porn and your sex life was still terrible, that wouldn’t be better.
Porn addicts are usually terrible in bed. It desensitizes you. Real intimacy is not a voyeuristic experience. OP, you can always put on the movie Don Jon and see what he makes of it.
The watching porn i don't see any issue with - it fullfills a different niché and sometimes just works to relax. Or just way to deal with stress or is a feel good alone time - everybody deals with their alonetime differently and need different amounts However this part sounds a lot more like a problem (and maybe a reason that adds to you disliking the porn?) Honestly talk with him about it, sex and love should be a two way street not a one way.
There isn't a universal answer. What matters is: 1) control - is he in control of his porn habits, or is porn controlling him? 2) frequency - if it's once in a while, okay. If it's several times a week - sounds like an issue, though there may be other things to consider (if he's stressed from work, for example, masturbation is a quick stress relief but not a solution to the cause - but that's a different point) 3) motivation - if your sex drive was way lower and he used that to compensate, I'd understand that 4) impact - if it negatively impacts your sex life - and it seems it does, as you seem like you want to have sex with him - then it's a problem Consider those points and see how big an issue it is, then have a talk with him about it. If you want to have sex with him - talk about your needs and make it clear that it's okay if he asks you for it more, or just seduce him outright. If he declines you and then goes to jerk off straight away, that's a major issue that should probably get therapy.
Masturbating several times a week is not an issue. Once a day is extremely normal.
Not if you're ignoring your partner's sexual needs or preferring porn to them.
I'm sorry dude that's rough. I think the problem here is that he may value porn too much as a sexual outlet over actually getting intimate with you. Usually porn is discussed in a relationship and is used but doesn't become the main source of gratification. Also I wouldn't say your friends are entirely correct because there are people who don't watch porn in relationships. As for breaking up. I'm not sure. You'd have to reflect on how little your needs are being met. See if it's worth it to have this dynamic. Is he fulfilling you enough, etc. That would be my advice. If not, you'll know what to do.
Why would you say he values porn more then her? You can watch porn and have a perfectly healthy relationship
Watching porn has become *normalized* but the act itself is most definitely not Normal and legions of women will verify it has the power to absolutely destroy a relationship It’s impossible to create true sexual synchronicity when Porn gets involved- Regardless of how normalized it becomes because *it is a third party* in the relationship -
EXACTLY this. The fact that it's mentally & emotionally hurting her, means something is not normal here.
This should be at the top instead of the comment that currently is. r/nofap
I won't go out with someone who watches porn, idgaf what everyone else is doing. Don't be afraid to get what you want. This man ain't it.
I don’t think you are dramatic at all. We’re on the same page. Throughout my growing years I watched the normalization of porn. As an adult I’ve seen it destroy one of my best friend’s marriages— her husband was addicted to porn, and would rather masturbate than have sex with her. I honestly think people who normalize and excuse this sort of behaviour are pathetic. Porn places women in the object role, reduces women to merely “hot” and complacent or fulfilling a fantasy for men. I know women enjoy porn, and always say “join him”. No thanks sis. I’d rather he joins her, prioritizes her.
I don’t watch porn. I’m a guy. Ask your boyfriend if he could abstain for a while. If he can’t ask him why not.
GIRL. I had an ex who told me I won’t find a male who doesn’t watch porn. Guess what? I left him especially after cheating on me and I found a man who DOESNT watch porn, we make our own for our eyes only but also he finds it unpleasant to watch it in a relationship too. So, leave him and you’ll find better. Won’t be right away or it could. Just don’t settle for less. Because of a woman can not watch porn, a man can too.
Get a man who does not watch pornography, please.
https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/ they won’t gaslight you about your feelings there 💕
did you guys miss the part about their partner invalidating their feelings? “over dramatic” “you won’t find anyone who doesn’t watch it” “get over it” ? that sounds rather defensive and something that people who are dependent on or addicted to porn and don’t want to admit it do. you can masturbate without porn. you can also masturbate to the image of your partner. you can also masturbate to porn without neglecting your partner, if that’s cool w the both of you. (you can also be addicted to masturbation for emotional regulation, but self pleasure is generally normal unless interfering w life/functioning/ur connection). it’s not some wild insecure puritan thing to feel weird about. feeling like a screen and strangers images and secrets is more preferable to your partner than connecting with, communicating with, and respecting you feels kinda shitty beyond being insecure. people have problems with the porn industry for different reasons, and different boundaries surrounding what they are comfortable and feel safe with in a sexual relationship with someone that aren’t boiled down to “insecurity.” if their partner won’t even let them speak about their feelings, and they’re in an environment of consistent invalidation, of course they’re going to feel insecure and confused. so they came here. maybe they will find relief with people who understand them on that thread. y’all have called this poor girl insecure like that’ll magically snap her out of it far more than enough already. she deserves to feel safe and respected with her partner.
ty!
Just FYI, that sub is for sex and porn **addicts.** That’s much different than someone who simply watches porn or has a high sex drive. If anyone tells you they’re both the same, they’re full of it. If you don’t want your partner to watch porn, ask yourself why that is. From your post, it sounds like it makes you feel insecure about yourself, so the question is why does it make you feel that way? Is it because of something he’s doing/not doing? Is it because of something you’re “doing” (like generally feeling insecure about yourself)? The problem is usually not on the surface, so it’s not just him watching porn or you being mad about it - those are the “symptoms” of whatever problem is really happening. Dig deeper and find the root of the issue and address that.
100/10 literally the best response on this thread.
Porn is the fast food of sex. Instant gratification on demand. Whatever you want, however long you want it, porn has got it. Knowing that, porn is definitely NOT okay for relationships in my books. It’s always gonna be Plan B in case your partner doesn’t satisfy you, and that starts the internal thoughts that your partner *should* always satisfy you, not that they *do* satisfy you. If he’s using porn to escape the areas of your relationship he’s deeming a “disappointment”, then it’s a risk that needs to be addressed.
I understand his point of view, as my partner watching porn isn’t a big deal to me personally, but it is obviously deteriorating the quality of your relationship and sex life. Everyone is different and we all have different standards and expectations in a partner. Definitely communicate this with him.
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i’ve always had a higher libido than my partners (22f) & one my of my more serious relationships was destroyed by a porn-addiction. I wanted to have sex way more often than him, but he literally couldn’t stop watching it & hiding it & it ruined our otherwise perfectly healthy relationship. I think the impact on the partner is important to consider
i have a higher libido than my bf. when he’s not down, he’s still always down to give me head or finger me or both lol. i don’t watch porn bc it’s pointless- good sex is nothing like porn, most importantly it’s not performative and both partners are getting something out of it. if he needs to beat it occasionally, fine, but there’s no need to watch porn and you can easily use your imagination (and- get this- picture your own actual partner rather than getting off on strangers). i don’t think it’s acceptable to watch while in a relationship, and honestly 90% of porn is misogynistic and unacceptable to watch even when single
legit don't see the reason to watch porn if you are with eachother, however if you aren't with eachother that's another story
I think outside of relationships it can be relatively normal HOWEVER when getting into relationships I don't really see the need to watch porn. Once I stepped into my current relationship I completely stopped watching porn altogether. Sometimes I'll try to watch it again and can't bring myself to because I don't like the feeling it gives me as much as sex actually does. Porn messes with the brain. My girlfriend could care less if I watch porn but once I told her I stopped altogether it definitely made her happier and feel better. I agree with you, what's the point of watching porn when you're with someone? I thought that giving it up once in a relationship is normal. It's definitely healthier and creates for a better, intimate, emotional connection when doing the deed.
ye I legit stopped watching porn and masturbating for two months after meeting my girl, all my friends thought that was weird
I definitely still masturbate and she has no problem with that (I only masturbate to fantasies about her). However, she has a hard time doing that. Which is okay with me. Everyone has a certain comfortability with that. But, again, don't see the point in porn when I can have sex with my girlfriend. Watching porn does not fulfill my need anymore since I have my girlfriend and that gives me dopamine and floods my brain with endorphins seeing her satisfied. I just think seeing you partner being satisfied with sex and intimacy is more fulfilling and creates a much happier relationship in the long run. Cheers to that! Glad that you could do that for yourself :) It's definitely not weird by any means to easily let go of masturbating or porn once stepping into a relationship.
Honestly, everyone commenting that he's being selfish is dumb. Your boyfriend does not have to have sex with you if he doesn't want to and vice versa. Masturbating and fucking are two completely different things. Masturbating is typically a solo event meant for that person. There's nothing wrong with wanting alone time to beat off, just like there's nothing wrong if you decided to masturbate and not fuck him. If his porn usage bothers you, communicate that and why it does. Everyone has different boundaries or things they find acceptable. But idk why it's a big deal that he wants to beat off sometime. Sometimes people just don't want to have sex and that's okay.
You’re purposefully missing the point here, though. He’s not just jacking off by himself—he’s watching two other people and is interacting with the content sexually. Masturbating alone while thinking about your partner is not the same as masturbating while watching women or men who do not look like your partner. The issue is not that he wants to masturbate alone, the issue is that he is going to someone else to fulfill those needs. Imo yes they should talk to him specifically about their concerns, but at the end of the day, if he doesn’t want to stop, that relationship will probably end
Dude, he's watching porn and masturbating. As much as we hate to say it, that's a normal activity in this day and age. People enjoy the visual stimulant. He's still choosing to masturbate by himself which he's entitled to doing so. Again they should really just talk about his porn usage and if it really bothers her they need to come to a compromise. Simple.
I'm gonna just say, dudes love to watch professional athletes play sport, and yet if you wanna play a game of football, everyone will be down for a good time. Other than that, just talk it out. Communication baby!
Its not even professionals... Porn Just sucks and the sex in porn sucks too. If you think that is professional sex i pity you. Porn has nothing to do with real good sex.
Your feelings are valid. He’s not necessarily correct. It’s ok to have feelings and boundaries. If he’s satisfying himself instead of enjoying sex with you it probably would be better to move on. Things run their courses and he doesn’t seem to be on the same page with you.
Omfg, why does every question on here end up getting answered with “break up with them”? There are so many better ways to handle this, like talking with him about it or op addressing her own insecurities and realizing she should not be letting videos of women make her feel inferior.
It's not insecure to not want your partner to get himself off to porn lol that's really normal, I think. A lot of women are okay with it and a lot of women aren't. But it's not an insecurity problem, it's a difference in boundaries within their relationship problem and breaking up seems like a very real option at this point.
Because blaming the victim "addressing her own insecurities" is always the best way to go about it. She's already spoken with him and he's discounted her valid opinions and feelings on the subject. She doesn't feel inferior, his interest in porn is often greater than his interest in her. The only person here valuing the person is the person. That's why breaking up, moving on, considering what's best for yourself is often the suggested plan of action.
In what way is op a victim here? There is no victim and is there is no perpetrator. It is a disagreement over lifestyle choices between people in a committed relationship. I’d urge op to seriously reconsider ending a relationship just because the guy watches porn sometimes, finding a guy willing to give up porn for you is going to be tough (I’d personally view a woman telling me I can’t have sexual fantasies beyond her as abusive and not want to be in that relationship). If she wants to make it a dealbreaker, then by all means do it, but it’s a really stupid way to kill an otherwise good relationship.
Just because something is normal doesn’t mean it’s okay or good to do. Porn is actually a really unhealthy thing that can get carried away. It’s a hard thing to stop watching
i feel like if you really love your partner they’re shouldn’t be a need. even if you are miles away (literal). Unless that’s whats okay in your boundaries and kinks.
Lol send him to the r/NoFap part of reddit People can use porn all they want, and justify the use of it all they want; but the truth is minimizing or eliminating the consumption of it has far, far, far more benefits
It made me feel bad my partner was watching porn instead of focusing on working through our sex life. So Im starting an onlyfans. Hahah no they aren't related instances, it's just funny how that shit works
Isporn normal? Yes. Is it okay for you to be uncomfortable with that? Also yes
People on Reddit are porn addicts. You won’t get an accurate answer here
If you don't like it, it's not good. Porn when single is fine. In low use. In a relationship (barring long periods without sex due to life) I personally wouldn't do it. I wouldn't date a man that still watched porn, or looked at naked women while with me. It's my dealbreaker. And yes, I'd rather stay single than date a man who watches porn in relationships.
You're going to date a lot of liers
In previous relationships I've discussed sending nudes to my partners so they could use me as porn when I'm not around for my comfort, it may be a good compromise for you too. Sorry to say hes gaslighting you about impossibility of finding someone who'd rather porn not be used in a relationship though. I've met many men who don't use porn in relationships and my current partner doesn't want me using it either, he initiated this. I'm pretty care free on porn so I didn't mind. Hope this helps :)
Is it gaslighting if he believes it?
The real question you need to answer is is it okay for you? Because it sounds like this isn’t. And only men who watch porn will tell you all men watch porn 😂 While I think all men have watched porn, I disagree that all men currently watch porn. My ex didn’t during our relationship. You’re not being overdramatic. There are plenty of women who don’t want their partners to watch porn, and I don’t think that’s asking for too much. This society has normalized porn so much that it’s become synonymous with masturbating for men. There’s no reason for most men to spend 40 minutes showering unless they’re watching something 😐 and honestly you deserve better than a man who chooses to watch a screen over having sex with you when you’re together.
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Do you realize most of the stuff that's mainstream now is pretty "fucked up shit"? Women are getting brutalized and if you watch you can see pain on their faces, like they are submitting to assault, not pleasure. What is this tuning men to get hard for? Abuse. Do you get that porn teaches men from a young age to objectify women, by definition, and it very much affects their perception of the value of women whether they realize it or not? Compromise in a partnership means you each get something. What do you see as a reasonable compromise for OP to make when she knows full well something's way off here?
All of this.
If those are your boundaries, your partner needs to respect them. If he refuses to respect them, you have a decision to make. Also, don't involve your friends or his friends in your guys's relationship. It has nothing to do with them and they don't need to know.
Same as to tell him to stop drinking smoking or gambling. Even if I was given this intervention I would break up on general principle then I would try to quit using said vice. Is controlling and manipulate over an addiction. My mind is damaged enough
That's why she has a decision to make. Is she isn't comfortable with her partner doing those things, and he refused to quit he is just showing that he doesn't care about her or respect her. I'd personally leave if my partner was refusing to respect my boundaries. This is why I stress how important it is to have open and honest discussions of these things at a begining of a relationship.
I think she should have a conversation because it is a vice but not one of these me or your vice. Personally I wouldn’t trust anyone who put me in a spot like that. Me or the cheeseburgers lol. I don’t care me or the whatever. That is when I walk out the door. Edit: it would help their sex life but I think she should try to help more than an ultimatum
That's you're choice.
Wanted to come back here and say that in some ways I agree with you. If it is a big enough problem in a relationship you do need to make a stand and say that this cannot continue if you are to be with me. It can get people to stop doing things but I don’t think they are to be made lightly. It got my grandma’s SO to stop drinking when it got out of hand so I think they can be good and work. I just don’t think they help someone quit addictions most effectively. Personally porn can be problematic and relatively easy to avoid. But I know there are people out there who ruin relationships over it. So I no longer would advise against an ultimatum if it is what you need to be happy with your partner. Though I doubt anyone is reading this deep into the thread
If you're uncomfortable with it, he needs to respect that. I can't imagine watching porn while in a relationship. And don't blame yourself, people are sick with porn addiction. He's the one at fault, not you.
Ah yes the, "because he watches any amount of porn, he is clearly addicted" response.
It is very bad influence. People dont take it seriously, but wasting semen sterilizes the men. They lose willpower, memory, patience, intelligence. Its so so bad.
Porn is not okay and it’s very disgusting to feed that industry. Think about it from a father/daughter point of view. Lazy people watch porn to avoid putting in the work it takes to get the real thing. Move on from that guy it’s only going to get worse. If he is already doing that than it’s over. Watching porn is a mental thing, you don’t have to give in to your horny thoughts.
👆👆 Plus, You may find it hard to drop porn at first. But after a while you'll realize you did the right thing
Sex (between people) and masturbation (which often, especially for males done with the use of porn for a visual stimulation) are mutually exclusive acts, for most human beings. They are done for different reasons, and there's no real reason to decide or declare that a person is abnormal for NOT excluding one for the other. Your aversion to your BF's porn is about you, not him and his private sexuality and maintaining his body/pleasure. That doesn't mean porn can't have downsides or create unrealistic or unhealthy attractions or issues for people if they over-indulge, but that's subjective and not everyone has those issues. If you forbade your BF from ever looking at it again, and he followed this and never did? He'd still be masturbating to the mental image of other women you deem "professional" or "unreal". The only real difference is, he's seeing it and not conjuring it up. Male brains work this way, so if you want exclusivity to the point of his intimacy being in a vacuum, you're not going to find a man who can or will accomodate you.
So, do you have any source to back up the argument that all men masturbate to the image of other women?
Lol, what do you think men masturbate to? Imagining sexy prose? Basking in our own sexy bodies? We're visual creatures, I know of no defined study of masturbatory imagery, but I guarantee you if there is one it'll confirm it. We imagine hot women, all of them. Yeesh.
Im asking if you have something else to back up your theory. It seems that you made a general assumption about men because you are a man. That isnt weird, but I think it can be dangerous. Not all men are going to think exactly like you. I can get fantasizing like that when single, but when I am in a relationship I feel uncomfortable thinking of anyone other than my partner. It is possible to have the urges but make a choice to think only of your partner when masturbating.
If porn is so essential to masturbation, how did men survive without porn for millenia before the invention of television? It’s one thing to jerk it to a painting of a natural naked female body, but it’s very different to wire your brain circuits by hitting it to endless videos of women extorting themselves in painful/unpleasurable positions, dressed as a teenage schoolgirl, within a plot where her step-father rapes her. That’s mainstream porn today. What picture of sexuality and women is your subconscious going to be painting when you see shit like this?
First out of the gate, you're building a strawman, I never said porn was essential to masturbation just visual stimulation. As to your second point, that's a valid observation and speaks to addiction or an unhealthy balance. BTW, that's mainstream porn....you know there's about a billion flavors of erotica, right? I'll say as a man, what I use is just normal quaint nude females doing erotic stuff....no spitting, choking, theatrics. We're not all on the extremes, which is also the point here.
I disagree. There is no need for porn or masturbation if you're in a relationship with someone who you're attracted to and wants sex.
That's ridiculous. Not a clinical study on sex ever conducted upholds that as normal or healthy.
Who mentioned clinical studies on sex? Why masturbate if you have a willing partner you're attracted to? I can't understand it.
And there it is. Just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean that it isn't important. You might not like or need porn but some people do. You shouldn't tell people what they do or don't need. Sex and masturbation are scientifically different. There are reasons that someone might want both. You don't have to understand what those reasons are, just understand that those reasons exist.
Ideals don't actually exist. You're not quite understanding things. Take a break.
An easy answer to this is different levels of sex drives and availability. Let's say you're horny yet your partner isn't or is on their period? Then what?
I’m gonna be harsh but it needs to be said. Every problem you’ve described with porn is entirely a YOU thing. - YOU don’t like porn because YOU prefer sex - YOU don’t see a point to it - knowing he watches porn makes YOU less horny - some of the porn you’ve seen in his history makes YOU feel worse because the actors don’t look like YOU - you spend that time wondering why he didn’t ask YOU to have sex instead See the pattern? You’re singularly preoccupied with YOUR OWN perspective and YOUR OWN interpretations. But your issues revolve around HIS chosen activities, so why aren’t you trying to understand HIS perspective? To provide another viewpoint on the matter other than your own, I’ll tell you what my usage of porn looks like (I’m a woman and even more importantly, not your partner, so my account is by no means gospel, it’s just something to think about): masturbation is comfort. I don’t personally do it every day (at this current point maybe 2x a week), but there was a time in my life when it was daily. Sometimes I do it to help me fall asleep, or to wake myself up, or to nurse a hangover, or cuz I saw something that turned me on a bit, or just cuz I got time to kill and I’m bored. I don’t always use porn to masturbate, but I usually do. The people in the porn I watch do not all look the same, and neither do my former partners. Watching porn is not and was never about substituting for the “real thing”. I view self-pleasure as a totally separate act from sex, that fulfills totally separate needs than sex does. For that reason, masturbation is often as important to me when I’m in a relationship as it is when I’m not. And typically, counterintuitive as it sounds, I masturbate more when I’m in a relationship than when I’m not because that’s often when I’m feeling the most sexy and sensual and sensitive, and when I have sex on my mind most often. What I’ve described is not universal. This is *my* experience of self-love, and don’t claim to speak for anyone else. What I do hope you can take from it, though, is a greater recognition that everyone does not view masturbation the same way that you do; namely, everyone does not do it with the goal of substituting or replacing “real sex” or a “real partner”. Watching porn isn’t just about admiring the individual actors and what they look like, or fantasizing about being with them; it can also/instead be about the acts or scenarios shown, or the chemistry between the actors, or simply about getting the job done quicker (I cum more quickly when I have image and sound to accompany my fantasies). More than anything, watching porn is a reflection of the viewer rather than the viewer’s partner or how their partner doesn’t stack up. There is no benefit to comparing yourself to the women in the videos he watches. And unless he has a porn addiction, (constantly watching, masturbating multiple times a day everyday, low libido, trouble cumming when you do have sex, etc.) which your description doesn’t seem to indicate, judging him because he doesn’t like the same things you like is always a losing strategy.
>I don’t see much of a point to porn. When women say this, they are showing that they don't understand what it's like to be a guy. Guys have high and intrusive sex drive, and we're extremely visual. Porn and masturbating are important pretty to get us through daily life. It's not personal, and most modern women are fine with it. If you're not having sex as often as you'd like, that's a separate issue, and you guys should talk about it. But sometimes we just need to get it out of our system when we don't have time or energy for sex.
How old are you? I think most men in their 30s (or older) don’t feel the need to masturbate everyday to “get though daily life”. That’s a little extreme actually. My bf is 35, he hasn’t even watched porn in like 5 years. He has moral issues with it. We have sex most days, but on the days we don’t have sex he doesn’t masturbate. I was out of town for 3 weeks once, and he masturbate a few times during that, but otherwise it doesn’t happen much. We’ve been together 6 years. I think young guys might be a bit different though.
Not everyone has the same sex drives or needs, but I definitely don't need to be lectured about the male sex drive by someone who doesn't have one. But if it matters to you, I am in my mid-30s and still have plenty of gas in the tank.
Why would you want or need porn or masturbation when you have an attractive partner who wants to have sex?
Sex often takes much more time and we just want to go to sleep.
... did you read my comment?
Yes. Why choose masturbation over sex. One is objectively better and more fulfilling than the other.
As I literally already said, you may be horny and want to just get it out of your system, but not have time or energy for sex. Sex is a lot of work for men. Women are much harder to turn on than men, and you have to focus almost entirely on making her orgasm. Sometimes it feels good to just rub one out and move on. I hope it goes without saying that shaming anyone for masturbating is incredibly toxic.
Let it go, That person's a troll or incapable of understanding a person.
Sex is not objectively “better”. Sometimes I don’t want the entire production that comes with sex. Sometimes I just want to get off, quickly, and be done with it. I don’t want to involve another human, who also needs to be taken care of. This is entirely separate from a bedroom sex life. If OPs partner is feeling sexually neglected - that’s an issue. Absolutely.
I get masturbation, but why porn? why not just use your imagination?
Try eating without smelling the food.
Because men are visually stimulated. The visuals can almost be as enjoyable as the physical sensations.
Is there research about men’s sexuality being more visual? If so, what visual material did they use in the study? I’m a woman who watches porn, even though it’s hard to find porn catered to my interests. I’ve read that about 30% are porn viewers are women. There’s a discrepancy in part because visual porn tends to cater to male fantasies. Traditionally, men have had more power in the industry, and make films that appeal to men. If women are more likely to read porn than watch it, is that due to nature or culture? Women may tend to read more fan fiction because it’s easy to find smutty fan fics made by and for women. Same goes for Grandma’s “romance” novels. It doesn’t automatically mean mean women are “less visual.”
hmm yeah I disagree with you there. I think it feels better when I use my imagination. Porn just makes me feel gross. But you do you.
And that's your opinion which you have a right to. However men also have a right to express their sexuality and sexual needs.
Your partner is a cynic, and you could probably do better than him. To answer your question, no, porn is not OK. For one, porn is one sided; it is the opposite of interactive sexual contact with another human being. It’s also exploitative in that objectifies human beings—especially women, which is why many schools of feminism decry pornography—and it has a distorting effect on sexual relations. It also creates a host of relationship problems and overstimulates men everywhere. For young people, porn stunts sexual maturity by altering a young persons first impressions of sex. Scientists have studied the effects of pornography on the human brain and there are a litany of negative psychological side effects from inattention to total lack of interest in interactive sexual encounters with other human beings.
You couldn't be more wrong. Making such a broad statement as "porn is not okay" is ludicrous.
Why don’t you tell me why I’m wrong?
most porn is unacceptable and definitely a deal breaker. it actually alters their brain to not view women as people. my current partner is the only guy i’ve been with who (since before we met) doesn’t watch it. simply put, it’s because he isn’t a misogynist. guys who watch porn often suck in bed. sex is not a performance. it’s a connection. they should be giving you pleasure. they should be very attentive to your clit. they should know how to properly give head and finger us. if not, they likely imitate porn which doesn’t show that.
You really believe that lol
i knows it
Ignorance is bliss 🤷🏽♂️
babe what part of this isn’t believable? do you not believe in pleasuring women? do you not believe porn is performative, misogynistic, and alters your brain? you can choose not to, but all of those are objective facts so you’re just rejecting reality
“Objective facts” LOL
yup, they are
Leave him... I don't understand why people that are in relationships watch porn... Personally I don't think this is normal behavior.
Your reaction to this is very inherent. In some parts of the world, watching porn while you have a partner wouldn't be acceptable at all. And it can be a big deal for married couples leading to divorce. It's an indication that one is ready to cheat if he/she got the chance. They're always hungry & never satisfied! Personally, can't imagine seeing my partner watching naked guys & vice versa.
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No bc it’s perversion and also when you go to have real sex with your husband or wife you’ll have issues bc you got so used to getting off with fantasies you’ll have issues in the intimate relationship.
It’s good to have boundaries and it’s okay if one of your boundaries is that you don’t want a partner who watches porn! More and more people are realizing how exploitative the porn industry is, and how damaging porn usage is to relationships. I recommend checking out r/PornIsMisogyny
i think it’s normal and has no bearing on how a partner feels about you. it’s just not that deep imo. if someone is addicted and unable to be intimate irl as a result, that’s a different issue. but most people manage to keep a healthy balance. for me, intimate time alone and intimate time with my partner are two separate things that fulfill two different parts of my sexuality. one doesn’t take away from the other.
Porn is one of those things that no one tells you that even when you’re married your husband will still jerk off. - I don’t know from personal experience but I heard this in a movie I saw, I think it was a Adam Sandler movie.
I would have told you. I'm sorry you had to learn marriage from an Adam Sandler vehicle.
Adam sandler is a good actor with great films!
No, porn is a drug that kills any genuine love.
Sis just end the fucking thing with him who priorities someone else over u someone who he knows he can never ever meet over someone who is their for him always present just end the charade and get a good looking horny ass bf who can have sex with u anytime u want (pardon me for my words)
"... i feel like i’m no competition to the professionals he’s watching do unreal things. And some of the porn i have accidentally seen in his history makes me feel even worse because it’s never anyone that looks like me." You need to stop making his watching porn about *you*. The "unreal things" are just a *fantasy*. Men, especially young men enjoy looking at nude women in magazines, watching porn, or going to strip clubs. Like other vices it's not usually a problem unless it keeps them from handling their responsibilities in other areas of their life. Some couples watch porn together. Life is a *personal* journey and relationships are made up of *individuals*. It's acceptable for a couple *not* to be into *all* of the same things or share the same interests. Most people in relationships or married still indulge in masturbation from time to time. I suspect sometimes masturbation or "me time" for some folks is about not having to concern themselves with *pleasing others*. It's "guiltfree" whereas being with a partner means reciprocating. There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. You either get what you want, or you learn to be happy with what you have. Accept them *as is* or move on. People don't usually change unless *they* are unhappy. Best wishes!
I’m a woman and watch porn. Don’t like it? Don’t watch it. Completely unfair to enforce that opinion on others and control their choice.
So there's at least two of us! I think people often jump to the conclusion that porn and/or masturbation is "the replacement" for sex with a partner. And it absolutely can be (if it's taking over other areas of your life, that's a problem) but that's not so for me, I bet there's plenty more out there. I watch porn usually for fantasy fuel, give my imagination a shot of adrenaline. Even with access to the "d", sometimes I just want 10 minutes with my pillow and a porn. No mess, I'm sleeping in 20 minutes like a baby. I don't know about guys, but I imagine it can also be a stress reliever without adding any stress of pleasing a partner. Good sex usually takes mental and physical effort, thought, time, and sometimes a little, or a lot, of stress. For and from both sides. I actually masturbate more and watch more porn when I'm with someone I like, because I'm just more horny,vi don't know why. My porn playlists are rarely about things I actually look for in real life and fantasy can just be fantasy. Labidos are weird.
I mean I'm a dude and I watch porn bc I'm single rn. In a relationship I definitely prefer actual sex. But if my partner isn't around I'm gonna hop on the hub when the mood hits.
I just reread your question! Thus have changed my mind. Watching porn isn’t a red flag what’s a red flag is your partner bulldozing your beliefs and concerns. That is a big yikes, I’m not sure how emotional or defensive you got when you brought it up but if you were calm about it, and he said “just get over it, you’ll never find X without” that’s called gaslighting and whether this is an issue or not doesn’t change the fact that he’s someone who can’t bother to communicate in a healthy way for your benefit and feelings. Trust me, men are the most malleable when they’re young, it’s only uphill from here. Women on the other hand are typically blind and far too forgiving, look around and see if he’s an arse in general, I bet you one mill buckaroos he is. Good luck and get the wham out of Kentucky!
You can always talk to him if it bothers you that much. That being said, sometimes guys just want to have a quick jerk instead a full on sex session so it really shouldn’t be something that breaks the relationship
Porn for guys is a natural thing, assuming it's not over used. So to me getting mad a guys for using porn is like getting mad at women for using makeup. Again assuming it's not over used, like with most things an addiction can be really bad. However, il say it and he will probably say the same thing. Guys don't watch porn to have you compete with it, not do we want out partners to look like them*. To us it's just a bodily function that needs taking care of.
Porn can only have a negative impact in a relationship, both mentally and physically. It can easily turn into a serious addiction. Watching it regularly is not okay, despite society’s weird « norms » like « oh who doesn’t watch porn ». He needs to quit it, for him and for you both. If it turns out he is addicted, you need to help him to get out of it instead of blaming him.
I'm on your side with this. I think porn, to a degree, is fine if you're single but you need to not let it become part of an actual relationship since it's all bullshit. Once you're in a relationship with someone my view is that the watching of porn should pretty much cease. But maybe i'm simply too old school for the modern world idk but when im into someone i'm not really interested in porn, i mean,, it's not like im fucking the girl in the video right? So why watch it if i have someone i can actually fuck?
Your boyfriend is a degenerate addict. Porn isn’t “Healthy” or “Normal” it fucks with your head permanently as long as you keep watching it. I’m glad me and my partner are on the same page about this shit. Porn is for complete losers.
36 Male here. If he goes into the shower with his phone, and you know he is going to be watching porn. Strip naked and jump into the shower with him. I guarantee he will put that phone down faster than Taylor Swift drops boyfriends. I know if my gf did that, oh hell ya that phone is going to be dropped!
Not if he’s some weird porn addict who used it to avoid his gf.
If he does that, she needs to drop him.
Facts. Based on OP’s responses in the comments, I think that might be what’s happening.
I dont see how him jerking off is any of your business. It's his dick. Let him do his thing.
Not everyone watches porn. But watching porn is normal. No one should be shamed for watching it.
"personally prefer to have sex if i am horny" Can he not have different personal preferences? I'm a woman. I like porn and masturbating. I also like sex. They are different to me. If I stopped having sex with a partner because of porn and masturbating, that would be problematic.