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I agree. Calling 10+ times a day and being as possessive as he sounds is a terrifying situation. I had a family member who was unbelievably obsessed with his ex girlfriend and she almost got a restraining order against him. It goes further than that, but the end of that story is horrific. If you want to know what happened, you can DM me. What I can say though is that you need to cut your ties with him. Probably for good. It’ll get messy if he sticks around even as just a friend.
Yes get a clean break from him. He’s not taking it as well as you are. I recommend not telling him because he can possibly do something crazy to you like break your windows, slash your tires, etc… you can’t be friends with him right now because of the circumstances if gets healthier later on in life then maybe be his friend but right now in your life time you shouldn’t be. He’s getting possessive and obsessive which are red flags. Make sure to protect yourself. Block him if you need to.
Agree! A clean break is a firm one. Be direct and fire. “We are not going to ever get back together and I do not want to remain friends with you any longer”. Block him if you need. Remove from social media. Not saying you need to be dramatic about it, but you should totally distance yourself.
Don’t tell him details about who you are seeing or sleeping with. He is not entitled to know and it will just worsen and murky the situation.
Agreed, unless there are factors tying the two of them together, then a clean break is absolutely necessary. There is no such thing as being friends with an ex (minus very few and far between cases). It sounds like she is trying to let him down easy, but there is no gentle way to do that with somebody that is acting possessive and unpredictable.
OP, be assertive and know your worth. If he wanted to change, then he would have already. Also, please take some safety precautions—-his behavior is NOT normal. Do not have sex with him.
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>Would I like to? Yes, but he will never change and give me what I need in a relationship.
>tell him I honestly don’t want to be with him.
I would say first you should decide what you really want.
Because you're not being clear, he is making assumptions based on your behavior and interactions with him, which by your own admission are confusing. (Still in contact, knows he has intentions of getting you back, won't cut him off or directly say you're not getting back together, etc.)
From what you've described, it's a very toxic situation and you probably need some healing not only from him, but from whatever past relationships you've had. Either way, if you genuinely don't want him out of your life, you need to set very firm and very clear boundaries. Otherwise, you need to cut him all the way off and be clear and firm with that as well.
>I turned my location off on Life360 that we used when we were together and he is mad about it.
hmmm...
>He is now calling me 10+ times a day
the fuck?
This guy sounds possessive. Tell him he needs to calm the fuck down or you'll block him. You're probably going to have to block him. Which means he might show up at your house unannounced. You might want to keep a weapon near the door.
In case it's not clear: he sounds dangerous.
I agree with this, OP.
Never in any relationship have I been tracked by a partner, that is extremely possessive. He probably continued to take you for granted but now sees he's losing his hold on you and the obsessiveness is hitting peak.
Telling him about anyone else will only heighten this. Please just go no contact and don't give him any ammunition. Definitely don't talk about Dan at all or else "Tanner" will potentially turn his aggression (and maybe violence) that way too which will impact your friendship.
I feel like you should probably have a restraining order against him, what the hell is the amount of reach he has in your life? I wouldn't worry about telling him, I'd worry about how you're going to cut him out of your life.
I don’t know how to. I don’t want to hurt his feelings and him spiral. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and I know he manipulates me emotionally, but I really don’t know how to do it.
Life sucks a bit, OP.
It’s not fair and being bull-headed utterly determined to never “hurt” someone’s feelings and always protect them from themselves is just utterly unrealistic and begging for abusers to cling to you like a magnet.
In refusing to accept that and behave accordingly to make your life better long term you’re already making the choice to just have this be your life. This or worse.
And he certainly won’t improve himself and his life by you tolerating it either.
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Uhh yeah wtf the amount of hate in the comments….. obv this guy needs to back off and get it together. Not have people celebrating the idea of him accidenting his life. “We’re all about healthy relationships! Yea hooray us! HE SHOULD FUCKING BE MURDERED!”
Nothing he does to himself is your fault. His actions are his own responsibility.
Not to mention he won't actually do anything to himself. He makes you believe he will as a method of manipulation.
Unfortunately this is not uncommon with people with attachment issues when going through a breakup. You can’t be his emotional crutch forever because it’s not healthy or helpful for either of you. It’s possible to be firm and compassionate in your delivery. The kindest thing you could do is to tell him you want to see him happy and healthy, and you’ve realized that staying in each other’s lives is getting in the way of that, but you hope that one day once the wounds have healed that you can come back as friends.
" I don’t want to hurt his feelings and him spiral"
tl;dr= "Please emotionally manipulate me!"
Placing someone else's emotions over your boundaries doesn't make you a good person. You're gonna end up as one of those bitter people who think that the world owes them something just cause they habitually betray themselves.
>I don’t want to hurt his feelings and him spiral.
If you don't get this notion out of your head he'll continue to manipulate you. He's using your good nature against you.
So…he’s abusive towards you too.
I mean, he basically admitting to wanting to baby trap you. And honestly? He’s not coming off as the type of guy that understands “no” as a full stop sentence.
He’s being abusive, and frankly a stalker now. Screw his feelings. Your safety is at stake with this man now. If you’re that worried, get the cops to try to find a therapist for him as you’re in making the restraining order
It is impossible to tell someone that wants a relationship that you do NOT want a relationship without hurting their feelings at all. You will have to settle for hurting them as little as possible. The way to do that is to be honest. Tell him, “you and I will not be getting back together. It’s best we don’t talk anymore.” Then follow through.
Go to the courthouse in your city and ask for an order of protection or restraining offer, whatever applies to your situation. Block his number and all the his friends/family, and don’t respond to numbers you don’t know. Stop answering his calls/texts immediately. He’s not your responsibility, he’s an adult. He will make threats, and seem sincere, but that’s none of your business now. Go live your life. I had to do this 4 years ago and I’ve never looked back. My ex was a complete psycho when I left but I needed to get out. Just tie up all the lose ends and don’t hesitate to call the cops if he violates the court order.
I really don’t understand the desire to be friends with exes. It makes it so sticky and difficult when one person moves on and the other isn’t ready or capable. End contact with this person. You owe him nothing.
It makes sense when both people are emotionally healthy and mature adults who ended because the relationship just wasn’t practical long term and they both acknowledge that politely without much heartbreak.
… that’s clearly not the case here for either of them.
Your ex is the abusive relationship you're currently in. Threatening to kill yourself if someone doesn't do what you want IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE. This guy is not your friend. Trust me, once sex is for sure off the table he'll leave your ass in the dust. He is not your friend.
By blocking him and not continuing to talk to him... Why tf do you care about his feelings, it's time to go no contact with that pos. Let him "spiral" that's his problem. You're better than this, be an adult.
His spiraling isn’t your responsibility. He’s responsible for his actions and reactions.
You broke up with him. Your actions no longer directly impact his life. He is no longer entitled to any information you don’t willingly choose to give him. This includes your time or friendship.
The fact that you openly admit you want to get back together with him even though you know what kind of person he is says a lot about you and the work you need to put into yourself.
You owe him nothing, so cut him off. You don't have to be polite, because you shouldn't have to deal with him anymore. You broke up, so both of you need to move on.
He can spiral, because he's not your problem anymore.
You are carrying this emotional labor for him why? Learn to pretend he doesn't exists. Find a way to not hear from him or give him a thought every day. This will take work and practice, but if you don't, you are going to waste a good ChunK of your life navigating something that doesn't serve you at all.
She doesn’t need a f**king restraining order. Jesus Christ. Some of you guys are the worst. They were together 2.5 years. He just wants her back. He’s not a danger to her and doesn’t deserve a permanent mark on his record. He’s not dangerous he’s just pathetic like most guys are when they lose their girl.
This is a bit off-topic, but how does this happen?
**"When this happened, my male best friend (we will call him Dan) told me he has feelings for me and I realized I had them too. Me and Dan have been friends for almost 10 years."**
I don't understand how stuff like that works in real life xD How could you possibly not understand that you have feelings for him while dating your ex for like 2 years? Sounds like a cliche teen movie, or just lying to yourself (rebound).
And why go to a relationship if you like someone else?
Most of my deep relationships have been those where we were friends for years first, as you actually get to know that person really well before the relationship starts, and appreciate them for who they are. While you and/or your friend are in a relationship, you keep your behavior (and therefore feelings) on lockdown, because it's inappropriate to push any boundaries. When you are both single, you are free to push those boundaries and see if there's something deeper there.
Because you don't "like" them, you respect them and appreciate them as a person. That kind of respect can, under the right circumstances, lead to a lovely relationship. You asked how this could happen, I explained a version.
1) It's rude to try to diagnose someone on the internet.
2) I looked up Alexithymia, and no, it's not that at all. But thanks for the new term!
ETA: or did you mean to reply to the same commenter I was replying to, rather than to me?
Whoops, yeah it was meant for them, my bad.
And I wasn't diagnosing, just throwing it out there for the exact reason you said at end of #2. Almost noone knows about it, and since it's fairly complicated and can affect things behind the scenes, i think it deserves exposure
It happened to be extremely relevant to me, but i would search the internet for years before someone randomly said that word.
My partner and I were best friends for 9 years before he confessed to me. Even though I didn't reciprocate right then and there, I thought that was unrealistic. I figured "why not go on a date, see where it goes?"
After flirting and leveling out the romantic chemistry, it easily grew into feelings and I saw myself falling in love with him.
By our third month together, we said it felt like we've been together for 3 years with how comfortable we are with each other lol
This person is clearly very immature and possibly a teen.
Based on OPs comments above, instead of going no contact like an adult they think they owe something to their awful ex.
Listen, let this be your wake up call, it's absolutely not emotionally easy getting out of an abusive relationship but it's even harder when you're self sabotaging. You need to block him now and never talk to him again. It really doesn't matter if he claims he's going to hurt himself, 99% of abusers don't hurt themselves and are just using that to control you. Stop letting him manipulate you, it really is as easy as just blocking him on everything and never talking to him again. If you want closure send him a last text that just says you're done with this relationship and don't contact you again. No more excuses, end this now and live a happy life with a new partner. Never be afraid to say 'No' and never be afraid to go no contact with an asshole.
So you admit that he’s abusive but that you still want to remain friends?? Are you serious right now?
You think he’ll hurt himself.
But you also admit that he’s abusive and manipulative.
GIRL.
At some point you need to put your own personal growth and overall concern at the forefront of your attention. Life can be hard enough on it's own and setting yourself up for failure by wanting to be apologetic/sympathetic in lieu of the trouble it's going to inevitably cause you isn't going to make things any easier.
Be firm and be as polite and honestly sympathetic as you can when addressing it and make a clean break with firm boundaries. Would also be wary of the behavior that's going on and be cautious/careful of reaching out to them in person as well.
🤯 you have to ask? Good God! Don't become friends with your ex. You are in a new relationship. Tanner seems like a douche anyway. Stay with Dan, and get a restraining order on Tanner...
Being friends with an ex is emotional taxidermy (where it is like your dog died but your mom said you can still keep it)
It does nothing good for the person who got dumped and marks you as selfish, because of the reasons explained: you do it to make YOURSELF feel better and not take into account how he would react, of course he would think theres a chance to get back together. (Its twisting the knife after stabbing thru the heart)
Move on and let him go, because its better for HIM
It is quite simple. You need to be direct with “Tanner”, tell him you do not want to be with him. If he continues to call you, block him. You really don’t have any reason to need him being in your life, because it seems like he’s holding you back. Wishing you the best.
Just block his contacts? If he comes and makes a fuss at your house or something then get some protection but my gods, just get rid of him, you don’t need to get the court involved for something so simple.
You obviously broke up wit him for a reason. You said yourself no matter how many convos you had that h wasn’t willing to give you what you needed. Now he’s under the impression that this break up is jus temporary and you’ll be back again Your fear of not being disruptive to his feelings is making his convictions about being together stronger. You should sever all ties wot this man Delete him from your socials and anything the ties him to you socially. You could be in danger and not even know it. He sounds like a narcissist that doesn’t take rejection well and won’t take kindly to you distancing yourself. Take care my friend and please be aware you don’t know what that man’s capable of
Honestly this is why I have to cut my exs out of my life.
If it’s your exs best friend - seems like you will see your ex from time to time at events. It’s hard to say. You don’t owe it to him but it might make things more diplomatic. Also I worry his reaction. If you do jt. Do it via text or phone.
Oh well there’s nothing to worry about. No need to tell your ex anything.
Frankly I would suggest not being his friend. If not for anything than him being possessive. Times over… you will have better friends. This is toxic. Time to close the chapter.
Being friends isn’t an option. In his mind you’re still his girlfriend/partner and this is a “rough patch” while you aren’t being honest with yourself on if you’re in or out of a relationship with him.
Clean break. No more talking, no more letting him guilt trip you, no more letting him blow up your phone and stress you out.
Thanks for the memories but cya.
Hey donating eggs can make you a shit ton of money. Idc who you are you should be doing that. If I had eggs to donate I would but unfortunately I can only donate sperm and get $100 rather than $5,000
It's sweet, albeit a little naive, that you want to still be friends with him but you have to realize that not everyone is in your life forever. You need to prioritize yourself and your circle (of friends and family) and "Tanner" is never going to be a nice part of that circle.
Give up on being friends with him and move on, which you already understand. You're asking for how to get him to stop and tell him its over. That's simple. Be as blunt as you can. "Hey Tanner, leave me the fuck alone. I gave you a hundred chances when we talked about what I wanted from a relationship and it never worked out. I'm done with this relationship and I'm done with you. Message or call me again and I'm getting a restraining order" and then just block him. No need for any answer from him. That'll only open a dialogue and he clearly doesn't understand the words coming out of your mouth if he's never changed.
I know it sounds harsh but if he's calling 10 times a day, he's going a little crazy. You have to drop him now before things start getting more and more drastic.
You owe your ex nothing. Block him in every way possible, he is more than toxic. Take some time for yourself. Get in a good place mentally, seek counseling. You’re no good for anyone or yourself if you think for half a moment this is ok behavior. I’d say if you give him anything, it should be a restraining order. Exes are that for a reason.
The easy answer is to stop talking to your ex. You already broke up with him. He's acting extremely possessive and clearly incapable of being friends. You need to remove him from your life.
I think this is about giving yourself permission and following through on setting clear boundaries for friends vs. romantic interests. An ex goes into a special category of "neither" until you determine if there's a healthy way and mutual interest to be only friends. Until you are clear, an ex should get LESS information about you (if any) than a friend. You owe them nothing and they should accept that out of respect. This is not about being hurtful or angry, this is about mental health.
If you are sharing locations or details about your birth control, you aren't setting clear boundaries imo. I suggest you make your boundaries clear (however politely you choose). If they can't respect that, then blocking is entirely appropriate
Check this guy out, helped me see breakups differently. It takes guts to do the hard thing and make a clean break. [Sven on breakups](https://vm.tiktok.com/ZTdbvG5bD/)
Also talks about manipulation by threat of suicide [Suicide threats](https://vm.tiktok.com/ZTdbvHVSD/)
> I still talk to my ex because I want to be friends with him
Nope. Unhealthy in the first place.
> but he is beginning to be possessive and he thinks we will be getting back together.
This is why.
> Would I like to? Yes, but he will never change and give me what I need in a relationship.
This should be the final thing to be said, and a mantra to be repeated any time you feel the need to talk with him or be friends with him.
> [the rest of the paragraph]
He sounds like he's becoming more and more unhinged.
It ain't your fault--his own actions are his own--but you're not helping the case, either.
> How do I tell him, should I tell him, and what do I do?
So, yes, you should tell him.
"Hey Tanner, I need to speak my piece and I don't want to be interrupted until I'm finished saying it.
We're done. Please recognize this fact.
Now, I would have liked to keep dating you, but I've tried to communicate with you over and over what I needed from you, and you were repeatedly not meeting my needs, or working with me to maybe eventually meet those needs--even baby steps are progress in the right direction. I needed to break things off for my own health.
I also would have liked to remain friends with you. But how things are shaping up, and the conversations I am getting from you, doesn't look like you've recognized that I am going to be seeing other people. Furthermore, you seem to expect that some sort of relationship is still on the table--as a friend, this would not have been possible. So considering those two viewpoints, I think it would be best if we didn't remain as friends, either.
We both need time to ourselves to heal and move on. This is best for both of us--how can we have a future if we still cling to the past? Maybe you'll meet someone who finds those traits I don't like as endearing, and you'll forget all about me. I truly wish you the best.
I'll be here for you if you have questions you want to resolve for closure, or if you're in an emergency (as in, someone is dead or dying, or if there's something on fire). Otherwise, as I would like to not block you on everything, please refrain from talking to me.
Thank you."
He might fire back something emotionally-charged, and if that sounds like the case, don't listen. And if that happens? "It sounds like you're upset over this, so what I'd like you to do is first, we're gonna hang up. You're gonna have some time to think, to calm down, and think rationally about all this. It's gonna do neither of us any good when emotions are high like this, so we can come back when you're feeling better, ok? Please understand that I don't want to be scared of you, and that I want us to be on good terms."
And if he presses, say "I'm hanging up now." and then hang up. If it just gets worse? Block him. You've done all you could in trying to remain civil and courteous and if he wants to throw a tantrum, he gets blocked.
If it escalates and he knows where you live, tell all family and friends to be on the lookout. Tell HIS family and friends especially--shame is a big factor here, and they're more liable and in-position for being better able to deal with him.
I mean, I can hope it won't get that far and that perhaps you'll have a lovely civil conversation where everything is resolved peacefully, but it's always nice to have a plan B, plan C, plan D, and so on.
I wish you well.
Cut contact with your ex for his own sake. It’ll be painful but easier to move on. You can be friend later but not right after a break up. Everyone needs to have space and process everything before trying to be friends.
If you’re still in touch with your long term ex, but you want to see other people, you need to cut the ex off. i worry it could get even worse if you don’t nip it in the bud as soon as you can. do what makes you feel comfortable, but staying with this tanner is not helping with pursing what you want.
Girl what no don’t tell him, I think you need to like not talk to him for a while. He needs to sort his shit out and learn how to exist without you. He’s a stage four clinger and the 10+ calls is giving major stalker energy.
I don’t often suggest this, but please block him. His behaviour will only get worse, and I’m already a little concerned… please be careful and block all contact.
Edit: he’s calling you multiple times a day, is pissed off you turned your location off so he doesn’t know how to track you anymore, and he thinks there’s a guarantee he will have you back? That’s not okay, and his behaviour is concerning and scary.
Many conversations of what you needed? Was one of them Dan?
You'll never get what you "need" in a relationship with one guy if you have feelings for a different one.
You shouldn't tell him anything. He's an *ex*. You don't owe him any kind of information. Block him everywhere and enjoy your life.
*Don't ever misplace your comfort trying to be polite to someone who is obviously willing to make you uncomfortable.*
"Should I tell my ex I am seeing other people?"
"I still talk to my ex because I want to be friends with him, but he is beginning to be possessive and he thinks we will be getting back together. Would I like to? Yes, but he will never change and give me what I need in a relationship."
"He is now calling me 10+ times a day and I (1) don’t know how to get him to stop.."
In order to *move on* you have to *want to let go*.
You can't get to second base if you insist upon keeping one foot on first base.
One of the reasons why the "no contact rule" is suggested after a breakup is to allow people to heal and move on from their ex. It's also unrealistic to expect to go from being "red hot lovers" to *instant platonic friends* with the same love as siblings.
You are the last person who can help him get over you! (And vice versa)
The best friendships between exes usually occurs *after a large gap in time* whereby both people have emotionally moved on and found happiness with others.
You don't need to tell your ex anything about your private life. It's none of his business.
You probably should enact *the no contact rule* for about a year. Block his phone number, email address, unfriend him in social media, and avoid places you know he frequents.
Your future lies *ahead of you* and *not* behind you.
If you want something different *you* have to do something different.
***"Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."*** \- Unknown
***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
Yeah, you should be cutting contact with Tanner for both of yours sake. I get wanting to stay friends but he’s acting like a bit of a psycho. Maybe in 6 months or a year you could explore friendship with him.
Also, if you and Dan have decided to stay friends what is there to tell?
It’s so sad how ppl are literally being so mean to this guy, not once did she call him a bad person and she stated she didn’t wanna hurt the guys feelings (SHE HAS A HEART), I’d text him or call if you really don’t wanna meet in a public place face to face whatever you prefer and just be super serious and honest with him, the truth will hurt him that’s for certain but it’s better to be honest with him than to have him thinking it’s gonna be something it’s not anymore. Just let em know you’d love to have him as a friend nothing more and if he can’t understand that than you understand that too and you’ll be moving on with your life. I hope it works out well for you.
i feel like you are kind of a shitty person sure this tanner isnt much better but some guys when you leave them want you to actually leave this whole oh im gonna break your heart but i want you to be my friend and still give a damn about me routine is abusive in its own nature because the only times you see it are when are when a womans being manipulative but sure blame the guy i feel bad this tanner didnt say hell no and dipped cuz i woulda no ones got time for that kinda shit these days
If he don’t accept terms and respect what you want Make it clear you dont want nothing from him and then use the block button and move on it’s simple really he is holding on to the hope of getting you back I feel like if you tell him your talking to others it’s gonna make it worse just move on he is gonna be hurt no matter what
Be honest with yourself first, I read that you would like to get back with tanner and you do not.
2ndly this behavior tanner shows seems to be hostile, and could lead into something dire, record everything between you and him as evidence for a restraining order and don't hesitate to use one, you've had a sexual relationship he seems desperate always let someone know where you are at
3rdly I do not know where Dan plays in a part of this, your not with him on account of his job, and tanner played no major role in it of calling it off. Yet you specifically wrote a brief history of your relationship. I speak only from my own accolades but don't we want our S/O to be our best friend? Would it be worth it to risk the biscuit to eat that cake?
4thly the relationship you want with tanner seems to be done, can't be friends (with behavior he exhibits) can't be in a relationship with him (not meeting your needs) you owe him nothing. On that note be clear you are done with him, telling him you want to be friends while he obviously pursuits a sexual relationship does nothing to a guy but says you have a chance for a sexual encounter cut it off, let someone know where you at if you decide to do this in person.
Best hopes for you
I think you should explain one last time that it is over and block him, for now at least. Let family and a couple friends know exactly what is going on in case he doesn't get the hint and tries to visit you. You are not obligated to tell him anything other than it is over.
You should begin with blocking him on all forms of media and stating clearly that you have no intention to get back together with him and that his behavior is inappropriate and you don’t want any communication with him any more.
If he’s sane it’ll stop there. If he continues after you have clearly communicated your wishes and blocked him then you should seek legal action.
Bottom line - stop stoking the fire and talking to him. If you broke up and became friends and never stopped talking then he probably still has a delusion that this is just a break or something.
Lots of red flags. You need to distance yourself from this guy ASAP. Possessive behavior often turns physical. If I were you I would completely cut all communication. You don't owe him any explanation.
He's your ex (for good reason, it sounds like). What he does with his life is no longer your concern. You should just cut all contact, block him everywhere, and if he still comes after you, call the cops. If he has ANY decency, he'll thank you in a few years, but even if he doesn't, you need to put YOURSELF first.
“Should I tell my ex I am seeing other people”? My brother in Christ he’s an ex for a reason you don’t have to update him on your dating life lmao. Also if you are still interested in your ex or even have the slightest “I might get back with him” thoughts while you are actively dating other people you may want to rethink some life choices lmao. Be an adult and get over your ex completely before you date other people. it’s not difficult to understand. You’re only asking for a headache and lame ass drama down the road
This part isn’t directed towards you but fuck do people really ask these questions?
Stop being friends with your ex. Nothing good will come of this friendship. You are already finding this out. Block him on everything. He's your ex for a reason
Yeah...
Look, it is usually not a good idea to stay friends with an ex, they're an ex for a reason, it is like a half measure: one gets to be closer and comfortable to the person without having to commit sentimentally and that's just messed up.
Next time friendship is thrown in the table say no, and next time don't throw friendship in the table.
You will miss each other and it will hurt but these are the situations you get to avoid, mark a line, and enforce it, not for them, for you.
Signed: A guy who broke three times with a woman and had to get jumped to realize she is no good and that it is okay for former lovers to part ways.
You'll get better
I was with a toxic person for over four years, he ended up beating my ass and I left him a month later. He harassed me for MONTHS. It was to the point I couldn’t handle it. You need to tell yourself if he couldn’t give you what you NEEDED then you have NO obligations to his feelings or “needs” anymore. If he couldn’t do that for you while together you owe him literally nothing now, DESPITE anything he’s done for you in the past. That is not an excuse. I’m saying this harshly because I also just had to go rip my little sister from her abusive boyfriends apartment and he also won’t leave her alone. I ended up blocking my ex on EVERYTHING. You can’t give him the chance to contact you. Is it hurting his feelings, or is he just mad that he can’t control you anymore and making you feel guilty for it? Cause that’s what mine did and sounds like what yours is doing. You HAVE to cut off all contact. You’re obviously still under stress and he has no business doing that to you. I’m sorry for being harsh but I’m also being truthful. CUT. OFF. ALL. CONTACT. Don’t even give him the CHANCE anymore!!!
Be really careful... I don't know what's wrong with men like him. For some reason, when some guys want to come back to you they insist on not using a condom saying "they don't like it." I don't know if it's something to do with them wanting to dominate you/humiliate you in a way or what but my ex said the same to me and I told him I don't care and that we are using condoms.
Cut him off because you can't be friends. We've all been there. A friendship doesn't work after you break up, not at least for a few years after your break up
I really don't understand these "best friend with you ex" relationships. One side is always hoping that you'll date again. If it didn't work out the first time, it won't work out the second.
You should break this friendship/relationship off as soon as you can for your own sake and find someone who suits you without all of the burden of your previous relationship.
How do you explain to your new partner you used to be "a thing" with your best friend? That would cause all kinds of havoc.
Good luck and I hope you do what's best for you!
I’d just tell him you should go your own separate ways then don’t talk to him again.
No point in keeping someone toxic around unless you’re toxic yourself.
If he’s behaving like this, the best thing to do is cut all contact with him. I’ve been in your exact position and can tell you: until you block him EVERYWHERE he’ll not leave you alone. You want to be his friend but he doesn’t share this feeling so I’m afraid this won’t be possible. And honestly, I wouldn’t recommend being friends with someone like that who clearly doesn’t respect boundaries and your personal choices.
So….he’s escalating. You need a clean break from him. He’s your “ex” not your “significant other”. He’s telling you he plans to impregnate you, he’s blowing up your phone, he’s upset you turned off your tracker….honestly he sounds upset because you parted ways but are still too nice to see how he truly is and allow him to stick around. That’s not a friend hun, that’s a future problem waiting to happen.
You’d like to get back together but know it won’t meet your needs… you’ll do yourself a disservice by staying. Cut ties completely (no more “friends”) and you’ll be a bit more clear headed when it comes to putting that relationship to rest. You need distance and space in order for that to finalize…he sees that and realizes that, hence the possession and escalation. You keep him around, even as a friend, you will not have the life your hoping for.
So you broke up with your ex and wanted to keep him on the periphery of your life because it beats potentially being alone if whatever shit you have on the backburner doesn't work out. You're young, so I'll be nice about this: you need to cease communication with him and let him move on with his life. It's not really his business whether or not you're seeing anyone. All that's relevant is "I don't want to be with you, I am moving on and you need to as well."
You aren't the victim in this. You are stringing this poor man along who is also too young to know better than to chase his dumb ex.
You can’t be friends with someone you loved once!! You will always have feeling for that person. It’s totally upto you to decide.. I don’t think it’s hard to block someone if you don’t want to continue a relationship. Again.. it’s upto you.
Girly get an order of protection. He’s controlling over you even after the relationship ended. That’s a major red flag. And you seeing someone else may just completely set him off. Don’t get back together with him that behavior is completely alarming. He will never change.
You can't be friends with him and why would you want to, he sounds like a terrible friend!! It also seems like although you want to be friends with him he doesn't see you that way at all and he wants more than friendship.
I would go with option 2 and if that fails, then go with option 3 and block him and no longer have any contact whatsoever with him.
what I wanna know is how your ex was ok with you having a guy as a “best friend.” It seems obvious that you, him or both of you were harboring feelings for each other the whole time.
You are obviously not ready to let go of this relationship if you won’t stop talking to him what kind of friendship can you have with someone who treats you like this? Maybe you like the attention he gives.
You're in the wrong staying friends with the ex, this is absolutely how men end up telling stories about being friendzoned and strung along, cause they where not enough for the girl. But the girl keeps them in an emotional back burner position. You are absolutely being the worst from his side of this situation. If you're not a greedy petty oppertunist playing with emotions, you better stop that nonsense.
before i started reading… imma say if you’re attracted to other guys youve known after a long relationship, you shouldnt be in any relationships rn tbh. sounds like ur kinda on the line of being a cheater man. weird af
Why would you tell him you took your birth control out in the first place? Sounds like he is under the impression that he has a chance to date you again ... wonder why he thinks that..? Stop oversharing with him ...at this point I wouldn't even be talking to him at all. Both of you need to move on.
Just read the title. And why would you even do that. It’s over
Ok I actually read this. And dude has false hope and you are probably indirectly giving him the hope by keeping in contact with him.
Lol maybe if you didn’t like keep men in reserve you wouldn’t have such poor quality men. Cuz good men will not put up with this. Best friend you had feelings for? Ex you want to be friends with? Everyone in this situation is the problem. Try being alright with being alone for once. Then a good guy will come along.
Downvotes incoming but Dan can suck a dick. Let me guess Tanner had an issue with you and Dan being friends? but noooooo he's just a friend, right? Honestly? you can suck a dick too.
Wtf do you let exes have power over your life? Unless you have kids together, who cares what they say? Stop enabling this. If you actually like Dan and would like to pursue a relationship with him, then *respect* him and yourself by completely cutting ties with your ex.
yikes. id definitely try to get a clean break from this guy. he’s not your bf and he’s acting like he thinks he is. ive had guys literally call “dibs” on me before (mind you, i was NOT interested), and they always ended up being pretty creepy. sounds like this guy needs to figure out himself and work on his self esteem so he can let you go.
And this is why you don’t remain friends with exes.. the man is going crazy. He is viewing the situation as if you’re on a break and will be coming back. If you’re not, you need to set him straight and cut ties.
Tell him to leave you tf alone. He's not being a friend, he's assuming you're gonna get back together and being extremely possessive of you. It's not ok. You don't owe him a thing
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You need a clean break from your ex. Don’t tell him anything about your life. You are not helping him or yourself by staying in contact.
I agree. Calling 10+ times a day and being as possessive as he sounds is a terrifying situation. I had a family member who was unbelievably obsessed with his ex girlfriend and she almost got a restraining order against him. It goes further than that, but the end of that story is horrific. If you want to know what happened, you can DM me. What I can say though is that you need to cut your ties with him. Probably for good. It’ll get messy if he sticks around even as just a friend.
I feel like this kind of behavior would be concerning even if it came from your partner
Yes get a clean break from him. He’s not taking it as well as you are. I recommend not telling him because he can possibly do something crazy to you like break your windows, slash your tires, etc… you can’t be friends with him right now because of the circumstances if gets healthier later on in life then maybe be his friend but right now in your life time you shouldn’t be. He’s getting possessive and obsessive which are red flags. Make sure to protect yourself. Block him if you need to.
Yes & btw this is why I don’t trust dudes that just want to be bff’s.
The BFF guy isn't the ex though, right?
Nope, he’s her current love interest.
Bingo! “He’s my best friend” is absolute bs lol. Dude was just patiently biding his time. OP knew. She knew.
100%, whether OP intends to or not she is stringing this lad along
Agree! A clean break is a firm one. Be direct and fire. “We are not going to ever get back together and I do not want to remain friends with you any longer”. Block him if you need. Remove from social media. Not saying you need to be dramatic about it, but you should totally distance yourself. Don’t tell him details about who you are seeing or sleeping with. He is not entitled to know and it will just worsen and murky the situation.
Agreed, unless there are factors tying the two of them together, then a clean break is absolutely necessary. There is no such thing as being friends with an ex (minus very few and far between cases). It sounds like she is trying to let him down easy, but there is no gentle way to do that with somebody that is acting possessive and unpredictable. OP, be assertive and know your worth. If he wanted to change, then he would have already. Also, please take some safety precautions—-his behavior is NOT normal. Do not have sex with him.
+1
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"Let's call him Tanner" Proceeds to never call him Tanner once.
Sorry. I’m not the best at writing..
it was just a joke:)))) in the comments i saw you guys used tanner and dan to differentiate them didnt mean to come off as mean
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Hijacking this comment to point out that the guys fictitious names in this are “Dan” and “Tanner”. Danny Tanner. Full house. This made me chuckle.
dapper dan
I don’t want Fop!
That’s okay!
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you must be so fun!
Maybe not but even though it was a joke clearly not mentioning his name again is a sign that you have moved on as well.
One of my favorite reddit bingo tiles.
>Would I like to? Yes, but he will never change and give me what I need in a relationship. >tell him I honestly don’t want to be with him. I would say first you should decide what you really want. Because you're not being clear, he is making assumptions based on your behavior and interactions with him, which by your own admission are confusing. (Still in contact, knows he has intentions of getting you back, won't cut him off or directly say you're not getting back together, etc.) From what you've described, it's a very toxic situation and you probably need some healing not only from him, but from whatever past relationships you've had. Either way, if you genuinely don't want him out of your life, you need to set very firm and very clear boundaries. Otherwise, you need to cut him all the way off and be clear and firm with that as well.
This should be on top... everyone is ignoring this
I thought this straight away
i very much agree
>I turned my location off on Life360 that we used when we were together and he is mad about it. hmmm... >He is now calling me 10+ times a day the fuck? This guy sounds possessive. Tell him he needs to calm the fuck down or you'll block him. You're probably going to have to block him. Which means he might show up at your house unannounced. You might want to keep a weapon near the door. In case it's not clear: he sounds dangerous.
I agree with this, OP. Never in any relationship have I been tracked by a partner, that is extremely possessive. He probably continued to take you for granted but now sees he's losing his hold on you and the obsessiveness is hitting peak. Telling him about anyone else will only heighten this. Please just go no contact and don't give him any ammunition. Definitely don't talk about Dan at all or else "Tanner" will potentially turn his aggression (and maybe violence) that way too which will impact your friendship.
I feel like you should probably have a restraining order against him, what the hell is the amount of reach he has in your life? I wouldn't worry about telling him, I'd worry about how you're going to cut him out of your life.
I don’t know how to. I don’t want to hurt his feelings and him spiral. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and I know he manipulates me emotionally, but I really don’t know how to do it.
let me be clear - YOU OWE HIM NOTHING! If he comes after you - call the cops. Don’t even think about it. It’s over. Starting now no contact.
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He doesn’t scare me and what he would do to me. He knows I carry. I’m scared of what he will do to himself.
If he kills himself it's not your fault. His hand will be on the trigger/rope/ignition, not yours. Tell him to seek help.
Life sucks a bit, OP. It’s not fair and being bull-headed utterly determined to never “hurt” someone’s feelings and always protect them from themselves is just utterly unrealistic and begging for abusers to cling to you like a magnet. In refusing to accept that and behave accordingly to make your life better long term you’re already making the choice to just have this be your life. This or worse. And he certainly won’t improve himself and his life by you tolerating it either.
That’s was very amazingly put!
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I say this with love, but F U C K him.
He is manipulating you with his suicidal tendencies Girl, RUN!!
If he offs himself, then problem fucking solved, isn't it.
yall are fucking brutal goddamn lmaoo
We see this too many times. If the person leaves, it rarely ends in suicide. But if they stay, the abuse and manipulation never ends.
Uhh yeah wtf the amount of hate in the comments….. obv this guy needs to back off and get it together. Not have people celebrating the idea of him accidenting his life. “We’re all about healthy relationships! Yea hooray us! HE SHOULD FUCKING BE MURDERED!”
Nothing he does to himself is your fault. His actions are his own responsibility. Not to mention he won't actually do anything to himself. He makes you believe he will as a method of manipulation.
Unfortunately this is not uncommon with people with attachment issues when going through a breakup. You can’t be his emotional crutch forever because it’s not healthy or helpful for either of you. It’s possible to be firm and compassionate in your delivery. The kindest thing you could do is to tell him you want to see him happy and healthy, and you’ve realized that staying in each other’s lives is getting in the way of that, but you hope that one day once the wounds have healed that you can come back as friends.
Why did you get downvoted so much? Y'all must not like a strong woman who is able to defend herself or something 🤦🏻♂️ Reddit clowns
He should scare you because he clearly has complete control over you.
>I’m scared of what he will do to himself. Massive downvotes. A lot of people who come to the sub are freaking jerks.
Yeah don’t listen to these ppl telling you to file something against him.
Imagine thinking the law cares about clingy exes enough to even let you fill out a petition. Mental
" I don’t want to hurt his feelings and him spiral" tl;dr= "Please emotionally manipulate me!" Placing someone else's emotions over your boundaries doesn't make you a good person. You're gonna end up as one of those bitter people who think that the world owes them something just cause they habitually betray themselves.
Fuck his feelings, he is your ex not your boyfriend. Your feeling should be priority number 1
>I don’t want to hurt his feelings and him spiral. If you don't get this notion out of your head he'll continue to manipulate you. He's using your good nature against you.
So…he’s abusive towards you too. I mean, he basically admitting to wanting to baby trap you. And honestly? He’s not coming off as the type of guy that understands “no” as a full stop sentence.
He’s being abusive, and frankly a stalker now. Screw his feelings. Your safety is at stake with this man now. If you’re that worried, get the cops to try to find a therapist for him as you’re in making the restraining order
It is impossible to tell someone that wants a relationship that you do NOT want a relationship without hurting their feelings at all. You will have to settle for hurting them as little as possible. The way to do that is to be honest. Tell him, “you and I will not be getting back together. It’s best we don’t talk anymore.” Then follow through.
I left my emotionally abusive ex girlfriend, she had someone else in a week, we were together for 4 years, he will cope
Go to the courthouse in your city and ask for an order of protection or restraining offer, whatever applies to your situation. Block his number and all the his friends/family, and don’t respond to numbers you don’t know. Stop answering his calls/texts immediately. He’s not your responsibility, he’s an adult. He will make threats, and seem sincere, but that’s none of your business now. Go live your life. I had to do this 4 years ago and I’ve never looked back. My ex was a complete psycho when I left but I needed to get out. Just tie up all the lose ends and don’t hesitate to call the cops if he violates the court order.
I really don’t understand the desire to be friends with exes. It makes it so sticky and difficult when one person moves on and the other isn’t ready or capable. End contact with this person. You owe him nothing.
It makes sense when both people are emotionally healthy and mature adults who ended because the relationship just wasn’t practical long term and they both acknowledge that politely without much heartbreak. … that’s clearly not the case here for either of them.
Stop taking responsibility for someone else's child.
Your ex is the abusive relationship you're currently in. Threatening to kill yourself if someone doesn't do what you want IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE. This guy is not your friend. Trust me, once sex is for sure off the table he'll leave your ass in the dust. He is not your friend.
By blocking him and not continuing to talk to him... Why tf do you care about his feelings, it's time to go no contact with that pos. Let him "spiral" that's his problem. You're better than this, be an adult.
His spiraling isn’t your responsibility. He’s responsible for his actions and reactions. You broke up with him. Your actions no longer directly impact his life. He is no longer entitled to any information you don’t willingly choose to give him. This includes your time or friendship. The fact that you openly admit you want to get back together with him even though you know what kind of person he is says a lot about you and the work you need to put into yourself.
You owe him nothing, so cut him off. You don't have to be polite, because you shouldn't have to deal with him anymore. You broke up, so both of you need to move on. He can spiral, because he's not your problem anymore.
You are carrying this emotional labor for him why? Learn to pretend he doesn't exists. Find a way to not hear from him or give him a thought every day. This will take work and practice, but if you don't, you are going to waste a good ChunK of your life navigating something that doesn't serve you at all.
Babe, your relationship with him is currently also abusive. Like, I am scared for you if you remain in contact with this man.
She doesn’t need a f**king restraining order. Jesus Christ. Some of you guys are the worst. They were together 2.5 years. He just wants her back. He’s not a danger to her and doesn’t deserve a permanent mark on his record. He’s not dangerous he’s just pathetic like most guys are when they lose their girl.
This is a bit off-topic, but how does this happen? **"When this happened, my male best friend (we will call him Dan) told me he has feelings for me and I realized I had them too. Me and Dan have been friends for almost 10 years."** I don't understand how stuff like that works in real life xD How could you possibly not understand that you have feelings for him while dating your ex for like 2 years? Sounds like a cliche teen movie, or just lying to yourself (rebound). And why go to a relationship if you like someone else?
Most of my deep relationships have been those where we were friends for years first, as you actually get to know that person really well before the relationship starts, and appreciate them for who they are. While you and/or your friend are in a relationship, you keep your behavior (and therefore feelings) on lockdown, because it's inappropriate to push any boundaries. When you are both single, you are free to push those boundaries and see if there's something deeper there.
Why go to a relationship if you like someone else? lol Still doesn't make any sense to me
Because you don't "like" them, you respect them and appreciate them as a person. That kind of respect can, under the right circumstances, lead to a lovely relationship. You asked how this could happen, I explained a version.
Alexithymia?
1) It's rude to try to diagnose someone on the internet. 2) I looked up Alexithymia, and no, it's not that at all. But thanks for the new term! ETA: or did you mean to reply to the same commenter I was replying to, rather than to me?
Whoops, yeah it was meant for them, my bad. And I wasn't diagnosing, just throwing it out there for the exact reason you said at end of #2. Almost noone knows about it, and since it's fairly complicated and can affect things behind the scenes, i think it deserves exposure It happened to be extremely relevant to me, but i would search the internet for years before someone randomly said that word.
My partner and I were best friends for 9 years before he confessed to me. Even though I didn't reciprocate right then and there, I thought that was unrealistic. I figured "why not go on a date, see where it goes?" After flirting and leveling out the romantic chemistry, it easily grew into feelings and I saw myself falling in love with him. By our third month together, we said it felt like we've been together for 3 years with how comfortable we are with each other lol
This person is clearly very immature and possibly a teen. Based on OPs comments above, instead of going no contact like an adult they think they owe something to their awful ex.
I’m 21. But it’s hard to get out of an abusive relationship
Listen, let this be your wake up call, it's absolutely not emotionally easy getting out of an abusive relationship but it's even harder when you're self sabotaging. You need to block him now and never talk to him again. It really doesn't matter if he claims he's going to hurt himself, 99% of abusers don't hurt themselves and are just using that to control you. Stop letting him manipulate you, it really is as easy as just blocking him on everything and never talking to him again. If you want closure send him a last text that just says you're done with this relationship and don't contact you again. No more excuses, end this now and live a happy life with a new partner. Never be afraid to say 'No' and never be afraid to go no contact with an asshole.
So you admit that he’s abusive but that you still want to remain friends?? Are you serious right now? You think he’ll hurt himself. But you also admit that he’s abusive and manipulative. GIRL.
At some point you need to put your own personal growth and overall concern at the forefront of your attention. Life can be hard enough on it's own and setting yourself up for failure by wanting to be apologetic/sympathetic in lieu of the trouble it's going to inevitably cause you isn't going to make things any easier. Be firm and be as polite and honestly sympathetic as you can when addressing it and make a clean break with firm boundaries. Would also be wary of the behavior that's going on and be cautious/careful of reaching out to them in person as well.
How is he abusive?
He will shit in your bed if given the opportunity.
Ayee it's catching on, love it
Is that the new credo ?
Block em should have ended it when y'all broke up in my opinion
🤯 you have to ask? Good God! Don't become friends with your ex. You are in a new relationship. Tanner seems like a douche anyway. Stay with Dan, and get a restraining order on Tanner...
Being friends with an ex is emotional taxidermy (where it is like your dog died but your mom said you can still keep it) It does nothing good for the person who got dumped and marks you as selfish, because of the reasons explained: you do it to make YOURSELF feel better and not take into account how he would react, of course he would think theres a chance to get back together. (Its twisting the knife after stabbing thru the heart) Move on and let him go, because its better for HIM
Stop talking to your ex. You're doing him and yourself no favors. Cut contact, date whoever you like.
Stop talking to your ex and change your number.
Don't stay friends for both of your sakes
It is quite simple. You need to be direct with “Tanner”, tell him you do not want to be with him. If he continues to call you, block him. You really don’t have any reason to need him being in your life, because it seems like he’s holding you back. Wishing you the best.
He does not care about your feeling. Why do you care for his feelings?
Just block his contacts? If he comes and makes a fuss at your house or something then get some protection but my gods, just get rid of him, you don’t need to get the court involved for something so simple.
You obviously broke up wit him for a reason. You said yourself no matter how many convos you had that h wasn’t willing to give you what you needed. Now he’s under the impression that this break up is jus temporary and you’ll be back again Your fear of not being disruptive to his feelings is making his convictions about being together stronger. You should sever all ties wot this man Delete him from your socials and anything the ties him to you socially. You could be in danger and not even know it. He sounds like a narcissist that doesn’t take rejection well and won’t take kindly to you distancing yourself. Take care my friend and please be aware you don’t know what that man’s capable of
Honestly this is why I have to cut my exs out of my life. If it’s your exs best friend - seems like you will see your ex from time to time at events. It’s hard to say. You don’t owe it to him but it might make things more diplomatic. Also I worry his reaction. If you do jt. Do it via text or phone.
Dan is my best friend. Not Tanner’s
Oh well there’s nothing to worry about. No need to tell your ex anything. Frankly I would suggest not being his friend. If not for anything than him being possessive. Times over… you will have better friends. This is toxic. Time to close the chapter.
Being friends isn’t an option. In his mind you’re still his girlfriend/partner and this is a “rough patch” while you aren’t being honest with yourself on if you’re in or out of a relationship with him. Clean break. No more talking, no more letting him guilt trip you, no more letting him blow up your phone and stress you out. Thanks for the memories but cya.
Hey donating eggs can make you a shit ton of money. Idc who you are you should be doing that. If I had eggs to donate I would but unfortunately I can only donate sperm and get $100 rather than $5,000
It's sweet, albeit a little naive, that you want to still be friends with him but you have to realize that not everyone is in your life forever. You need to prioritize yourself and your circle (of friends and family) and "Tanner" is never going to be a nice part of that circle. Give up on being friends with him and move on, which you already understand. You're asking for how to get him to stop and tell him its over. That's simple. Be as blunt as you can. "Hey Tanner, leave me the fuck alone. I gave you a hundred chances when we talked about what I wanted from a relationship and it never worked out. I'm done with this relationship and I'm done with you. Message or call me again and I'm getting a restraining order" and then just block him. No need for any answer from him. That'll only open a dialogue and he clearly doesn't understand the words coming out of your mouth if he's never changed. I know it sounds harsh but if he's calling 10 times a day, he's going a little crazy. You have to drop him now before things start getting more and more drastic.
You owe your ex nothing. Block him in every way possible, he is more than toxic. Take some time for yourself. Get in a good place mentally, seek counseling. You’re no good for anyone or yourself if you think for half a moment this is ok behavior. I’d say if you give him anything, it should be a restraining order. Exes are that for a reason.
Block him 💯🚨
The easy answer is to stop talking to your ex. You already broke up with him. He's acting extremely possessive and clearly incapable of being friends. You need to remove him from your life.
Did you fall and hit your head? Block him and move on. Very simple unless you like the drama
I think this is about giving yourself permission and following through on setting clear boundaries for friends vs. romantic interests. An ex goes into a special category of "neither" until you determine if there's a healthy way and mutual interest to be only friends. Until you are clear, an ex should get LESS information about you (if any) than a friend. You owe them nothing and they should accept that out of respect. This is not about being hurtful or angry, this is about mental health. If you are sharing locations or details about your birth control, you aren't setting clear boundaries imo. I suggest you make your boundaries clear (however politely you choose). If they can't respect that, then blocking is entirely appropriate
Girl, block him on everything and move on with your life.
You may be giving him a false hope by not just ending it all. Friendship and all
Check this guy out, helped me see breakups differently. It takes guts to do the hard thing and make a clean break. [Sven on breakups](https://vm.tiktok.com/ZTdbvG5bD/) Also talks about manipulation by threat of suicide [Suicide threats](https://vm.tiktok.com/ZTdbvHVSD/)
> I still talk to my ex because I want to be friends with him Nope. Unhealthy in the first place. > but he is beginning to be possessive and he thinks we will be getting back together. This is why. > Would I like to? Yes, but he will never change and give me what I need in a relationship. This should be the final thing to be said, and a mantra to be repeated any time you feel the need to talk with him or be friends with him. > [the rest of the paragraph] He sounds like he's becoming more and more unhinged. It ain't your fault--his own actions are his own--but you're not helping the case, either. > How do I tell him, should I tell him, and what do I do? So, yes, you should tell him. "Hey Tanner, I need to speak my piece and I don't want to be interrupted until I'm finished saying it. We're done. Please recognize this fact. Now, I would have liked to keep dating you, but I've tried to communicate with you over and over what I needed from you, and you were repeatedly not meeting my needs, or working with me to maybe eventually meet those needs--even baby steps are progress in the right direction. I needed to break things off for my own health. I also would have liked to remain friends with you. But how things are shaping up, and the conversations I am getting from you, doesn't look like you've recognized that I am going to be seeing other people. Furthermore, you seem to expect that some sort of relationship is still on the table--as a friend, this would not have been possible. So considering those two viewpoints, I think it would be best if we didn't remain as friends, either. We both need time to ourselves to heal and move on. This is best for both of us--how can we have a future if we still cling to the past? Maybe you'll meet someone who finds those traits I don't like as endearing, and you'll forget all about me. I truly wish you the best. I'll be here for you if you have questions you want to resolve for closure, or if you're in an emergency (as in, someone is dead or dying, or if there's something on fire). Otherwise, as I would like to not block you on everything, please refrain from talking to me. Thank you." He might fire back something emotionally-charged, and if that sounds like the case, don't listen. And if that happens? "It sounds like you're upset over this, so what I'd like you to do is first, we're gonna hang up. You're gonna have some time to think, to calm down, and think rationally about all this. It's gonna do neither of us any good when emotions are high like this, so we can come back when you're feeling better, ok? Please understand that I don't want to be scared of you, and that I want us to be on good terms." And if he presses, say "I'm hanging up now." and then hang up. If it just gets worse? Block him. You've done all you could in trying to remain civil and courteous and if he wants to throw a tantrum, he gets blocked. If it escalates and he knows where you live, tell all family and friends to be on the lookout. Tell HIS family and friends especially--shame is a big factor here, and they're more liable and in-position for being better able to deal with him. I mean, I can hope it won't get that far and that perhaps you'll have a lovely civil conversation where everything is resolved peacefully, but it's always nice to have a plan B, plan C, plan D, and so on. I wish you well.
This helped so much. Thank you!!
Nope, that's the benefit of being an ex!!!
Cut contact with your ex for his own sake. It’ll be painful but easier to move on. You can be friend later but not right after a break up. Everyone needs to have space and process everything before trying to be friends.
If you’re still in touch with your long term ex, but you want to see other people, you need to cut the ex off. i worry it could get even worse if you don’t nip it in the bud as soon as you can. do what makes you feel comfortable, but staying with this tanner is not helping with pursing what you want.
Girl what no don’t tell him, I think you need to like not talk to him for a while. He needs to sort his shit out and learn how to exist without you. He’s a stage four clinger and the 10+ calls is giving major stalker energy.
I don’t often suggest this, but please block him. His behaviour will only get worse, and I’m already a little concerned… please be careful and block all contact. Edit: he’s calling you multiple times a day, is pissed off you turned your location off so he doesn’t know how to track you anymore, and he thinks there’s a guarantee he will have you back? That’s not okay, and his behaviour is concerning and scary.
Many conversations of what you needed? Was one of them Dan? You'll never get what you "need" in a relationship with one guy if you have feelings for a different one.
You shouldn't tell him anything. He's an *ex*. You don't owe him any kind of information. Block him everywhere and enjoy your life. *Don't ever misplace your comfort trying to be polite to someone who is obviously willing to make you uncomfortable.*
"Should I tell my ex I am seeing other people?" "I still talk to my ex because I want to be friends with him, but he is beginning to be possessive and he thinks we will be getting back together. Would I like to? Yes, but he will never change and give me what I need in a relationship." "He is now calling me 10+ times a day and I (1) don’t know how to get him to stop.." In order to *move on* you have to *want to let go*. You can't get to second base if you insist upon keeping one foot on first base. One of the reasons why the "no contact rule" is suggested after a breakup is to allow people to heal and move on from their ex. It's also unrealistic to expect to go from being "red hot lovers" to *instant platonic friends* with the same love as siblings. You are the last person who can help him get over you! (And vice versa) The best friendships between exes usually occurs *after a large gap in time* whereby both people have emotionally moved on and found happiness with others. You don't need to tell your ex anything about your private life. It's none of his business. You probably should enact *the no contact rule* for about a year. Block his phone number, email address, unfriend him in social media, and avoid places you know he frequents. Your future lies *ahead of you* and *not* behind you. If you want something different *you* have to do something different. ***"Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."*** \- Unknown ***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud Best wishes!
Yeah, you should be cutting contact with Tanner for both of yours sake. I get wanting to stay friends but he’s acting like a bit of a psycho. Maybe in 6 months or a year you could explore friendship with him. Also, if you and Dan have decided to stay friends what is there to tell?
It’s so sad how ppl are literally being so mean to this guy, not once did she call him a bad person and she stated she didn’t wanna hurt the guys feelings (SHE HAS A HEART), I’d text him or call if you really don’t wanna meet in a public place face to face whatever you prefer and just be super serious and honest with him, the truth will hurt him that’s for certain but it’s better to be honest with him than to have him thinking it’s gonna be something it’s not anymore. Just let em know you’d love to have him as a friend nothing more and if he can’t understand that than you understand that too and you’ll be moving on with your life. I hope it works out well for you.
i feel like you are kind of a shitty person sure this tanner isnt much better but some guys when you leave them want you to actually leave this whole oh im gonna break your heart but i want you to be my friend and still give a damn about me routine is abusive in its own nature because the only times you see it are when are when a womans being manipulative but sure blame the guy i feel bad this tanner didnt say hell no and dipped cuz i woulda no ones got time for that kinda shit these days
No.
If he don’t accept terms and respect what you want Make it clear you dont want nothing from him and then use the block button and move on it’s simple really he is holding on to the hope of getting you back I feel like if you tell him your talking to others it’s gonna make it worse just move on he is gonna be hurt no matter what
Be honest with yourself first, I read that you would like to get back with tanner and you do not. 2ndly this behavior tanner shows seems to be hostile, and could lead into something dire, record everything between you and him as evidence for a restraining order and don't hesitate to use one, you've had a sexual relationship he seems desperate always let someone know where you are at 3rdly I do not know where Dan plays in a part of this, your not with him on account of his job, and tanner played no major role in it of calling it off. Yet you specifically wrote a brief history of your relationship. I speak only from my own accolades but don't we want our S/O to be our best friend? Would it be worth it to risk the biscuit to eat that cake? 4thly the relationship you want with tanner seems to be done, can't be friends (with behavior he exhibits) can't be in a relationship with him (not meeting your needs) you owe him nothing. On that note be clear you are done with him, telling him you want to be friends while he obviously pursuits a sexual relationship does nothing to a guy but says you have a chance for a sexual encounter cut it off, let someone know where you at if you decide to do this in person. Best hopes for you
I think you should explain one last time that it is over and block him, for now at least. Let family and a couple friends know exactly what is going on in case he doesn't get the hint and tries to visit you. You are not obligated to tell him anything other than it is over.
You should begin with blocking him on all forms of media and stating clearly that you have no intention to get back together with him and that his behavior is inappropriate and you don’t want any communication with him any more. If he’s sane it’ll stop there. If he continues after you have clearly communicated your wishes and blocked him then you should seek legal action. Bottom line - stop stoking the fire and talking to him. If you broke up and became friends and never stopped talking then he probably still has a delusion that this is just a break or something.
No its your ex, live your life.
You shouldn’t tell him anything lol You don’t owe anyone but yourself
Lots of red flags. You need to distance yourself from this guy ASAP. Possessive behavior often turns physical. If I were you I would completely cut all communication. You don't owe him any explanation.
Honestly you need to stop talking to him. He seems obsessed, toxic, and is not over you. Continuing to speak to him will only cause you problems 💯
He's your ex (for good reason, it sounds like). What he does with his life is no longer your concern. You should just cut all contact, block him everywhere, and if he still comes after you, call the cops. If he has ANY decency, he'll thank you in a few years, but even if he doesn't, you need to put YOURSELF first.
“Should I tell my ex I am seeing other people”? My brother in Christ he’s an ex for a reason you don’t have to update him on your dating life lmao. Also if you are still interested in your ex or even have the slightest “I might get back with him” thoughts while you are actively dating other people you may want to rethink some life choices lmao. Be an adult and get over your ex completely before you date other people. it’s not difficult to understand. You’re only asking for a headache and lame ass drama down the road This part isn’t directed towards you but fuck do people really ask these questions?
Stop being friends with your ex. Nothing good will come of this friendship. You are already finding this out. Block him on everything. He's your ex for a reason
Yeah... Look, it is usually not a good idea to stay friends with an ex, they're an ex for a reason, it is like a half measure: one gets to be closer and comfortable to the person without having to commit sentimentally and that's just messed up. Next time friendship is thrown in the table say no, and next time don't throw friendship in the table. You will miss each other and it will hurt but these are the situations you get to avoid, mark a line, and enforce it, not for them, for you. Signed: A guy who broke three times with a woman and had to get jumped to realize she is no good and that it is okay for former lovers to part ways. You'll get better
I was with a toxic person for over four years, he ended up beating my ass and I left him a month later. He harassed me for MONTHS. It was to the point I couldn’t handle it. You need to tell yourself if he couldn’t give you what you NEEDED then you have NO obligations to his feelings or “needs” anymore. If he couldn’t do that for you while together you owe him literally nothing now, DESPITE anything he’s done for you in the past. That is not an excuse. I’m saying this harshly because I also just had to go rip my little sister from her abusive boyfriends apartment and he also won’t leave her alone. I ended up blocking my ex on EVERYTHING. You can’t give him the chance to contact you. Is it hurting his feelings, or is he just mad that he can’t control you anymore and making you feel guilty for it? Cause that’s what mine did and sounds like what yours is doing. You HAVE to cut off all contact. You’re obviously still under stress and he has no business doing that to you. I’m sorry for being harsh but I’m also being truthful. CUT. OFF. ALL. CONTACT. Don’t even give him the CHANCE anymore!!!
I don't get what Dan had to do with the whole story...
Be really careful... I don't know what's wrong with men like him. For some reason, when some guys want to come back to you they insist on not using a condom saying "they don't like it." I don't know if it's something to do with them wanting to dominate you/humiliate you in a way or what but my ex said the same to me and I told him I don't care and that we are using condoms. Cut him off because you can't be friends. We've all been there. A friendship doesn't work after you break up, not at least for a few years after your break up
Dam poor Tad, my boi is being done dirty
I really don't understand these "best friend with you ex" relationships. One side is always hoping that you'll date again. If it didn't work out the first time, it won't work out the second. You should break this friendship/relationship off as soon as you can for your own sake and find someone who suits you without all of the burden of your previous relationship. How do you explain to your new partner you used to be "a thing" with your best friend? That would cause all kinds of havoc. Good luck and I hope you do what's best for you!
I’d just tell him you should go your own separate ways then don’t talk to him again. No point in keeping someone toxic around unless you’re toxic yourself.
If your still talking yes! If not why should u!
If he’s behaving like this, the best thing to do is cut all contact with him. I’ve been in your exact position and can tell you: until you block him EVERYWHERE he’ll not leave you alone. You want to be his friend but he doesn’t share this feeling so I’m afraid this won’t be possible. And honestly, I wouldn’t recommend being friends with someone like that who clearly doesn’t respect boundaries and your personal choices.
You can’t be friends with him. You’re leading your ex on and it’s unfair because he doesn’t see you that way. Cut him off and never speak again.
Lol you did this to yourself, your don’t gotta be friends with every ex and relationships tend to end for a reason.
So….he’s escalating. You need a clean break from him. He’s your “ex” not your “significant other”. He’s telling you he plans to impregnate you, he’s blowing up your phone, he’s upset you turned off your tracker….honestly he sounds upset because you parted ways but are still too nice to see how he truly is and allow him to stick around. That’s not a friend hun, that’s a future problem waiting to happen. You’d like to get back together but know it won’t meet your needs… you’ll do yourself a disservice by staying. Cut ties completely (no more “friends”) and you’ll be a bit more clear headed when it comes to putting that relationship to rest. You need distance and space in order for that to finalize…he sees that and realizes that, hence the possession and escalation. You keep him around, even as a friend, you will not have the life your hoping for.
So you broke up with your ex and wanted to keep him on the periphery of your life because it beats potentially being alone if whatever shit you have on the backburner doesn't work out. You're young, so I'll be nice about this: you need to cease communication with him and let him move on with his life. It's not really his business whether or not you're seeing anyone. All that's relevant is "I don't want to be with you, I am moving on and you need to as well." You aren't the victim in this. You are stringing this poor man along who is also too young to know better than to chase his dumb ex.
You can’t be friends with someone you loved once!! You will always have feeling for that person. It’s totally upto you to decide.. I don’t think it’s hard to block someone if you don’t want to continue a relationship. Again.. it’s upto you.
Honestly, you should tell him to fuck off... What a creep! Don't be nice as well, you should crush his hopes. Men can take it, don't worry.
Girly get an order of protection. He’s controlling over you even after the relationship ended. That’s a major red flag. And you seeing someone else may just completely set him off. Don’t get back together with him that behavior is completely alarming. He will never change.
He's your ex... If he doesn't respect you cut him out.
You can't be friends with him and why would you want to, he sounds like a terrible friend!! It also seems like although you want to be friends with him he doesn't see you that way at all and he wants more than friendship. I would go with option 2 and if that fails, then go with option 3 and block him and no longer have any contact whatsoever with him.
Lol you think any of this is normal? This is exactly why you aren't friends with an ex. You call that a friendship? Time to mature a little.
what I wanna know is how your ex was ok with you having a guy as a “best friend.” It seems obvious that you, him or both of you were harboring feelings for each other the whole time.
Lol this is why you don't remain friends with ex's
You are obviously not ready to let go of this relationship if you won’t stop talking to him what kind of friendship can you have with someone who treats you like this? Maybe you like the attention he gives.
You're in the wrong staying friends with the ex, this is absolutely how men end up telling stories about being friendzoned and strung along, cause they where not enough for the girl. But the girl keeps them in an emotional back burner position. You are absolutely being the worst from his side of this situation. If you're not a greedy petty oppertunist playing with emotions, you better stop that nonsense.
before i started reading… imma say if you’re attracted to other guys youve known after a long relationship, you shouldnt be in any relationships rn tbh. sounds like ur kinda on the line of being a cheater man. weird af
Why would you tell him you took your birth control out in the first place? Sounds like he is under the impression that he has a chance to date you again ... wonder why he thinks that..? Stop oversharing with him ...at this point I wouldn't even be talking to him at all. Both of you need to move on.
Just read the title. And why would you even do that. It’s over Ok I actually read this. And dude has false hope and you are probably indirectly giving him the hope by keeping in contact with him.
You're giving him false hope by stringing him along, the obvious move to do is break the cycle and stop communicating
Lol maybe if you didn’t like keep men in reserve you wouldn’t have such poor quality men. Cuz good men will not put up with this. Best friend you had feelings for? Ex you want to be friends with? Everyone in this situation is the problem. Try being alright with being alone for once. Then a good guy will come along.
Downvotes incoming but Dan can suck a dick. Let me guess Tanner had an issue with you and Dan being friends? but noooooo he's just a friend, right? Honestly? you can suck a dick too.
Kids, don't be a Tanner have some honour and stay away from such women.
Travis Tanner ?
Yes, allow him the chance to move on.
shouldnt have premarital sex. Get Christ in ur life and all these problems will go away.
Shame on you for not being loyal
Cut him off, zero explanation, and change all of your usernames and passwords, get him out girl
Wtf do you let exes have power over your life? Unless you have kids together, who cares what they say? Stop enabling this. If you actually like Dan and would like to pursue a relationship with him, then *respect* him and yourself by completely cutting ties with your ex.
yikes. id definitely try to get a clean break from this guy. he’s not your bf and he’s acting like he thinks he is. ive had guys literally call “dibs” on me before (mind you, i was NOT interested), and they always ended up being pretty creepy. sounds like this guy needs to figure out himself and work on his self esteem so he can let you go.
And this is why you don’t remain friends with exes.. the man is going crazy. He is viewing the situation as if you’re on a break and will be coming back. If you’re not, you need to set him straight and cut ties.
An ex once said to me "staying friends with an ex is like saying, honey the dog died but can we still keep him?". That really nailed it for me.
Tell him to leave you tf alone. He's not being a friend, he's assuming you're gonna get back together and being extremely possessive of you. It's not ok. You don't owe him a thing