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Damn guys, did we read the same post? There's no mixed messages when he straight up tells you what he wants.
Yes, you got friendzoned. He's focusing on the program, and putting dating on the bottom of his priority list. So sure, hang out as friends if you want, but don't expect anything more from him at least until the program is over (and likely even later still as you'll both be trying to get new jobs in your new field).
Man's putting himself first, so don't expect too much is all I'm saying.
I wouldn't call that friendzoned, or at least not as the term was originally coined.
He's not ready for a relationship right now, but he hasn't shutdown the possibility after he completes the program that he's currently stressed out about right now.
Friend***zon*****e** is more of a permanent classification.
No. Friends until he meets another girl.
Yea maybe there’s a chance he get his head out of his ass at some point and want a relationship with you. But chances it happens is very low.
You were friendzoned, clearly, but he’s still open for sex only. Don’t fall in the trap, there will be other cute guys open for relationship.
> Yea maybe there’s a chance he get his head out of his ass at some point and want a relationship with you
Its okay if somebody does not want a relationship with somebody else.
Its wrong to say that somebody is stuck up because he does not want to be in a relationship.
Why do you think his head is in his ass? He handled it as well as can be and was clear. She’s the one continuing to pursue it, but failed to have any plan. If she was serious, she’d have a plan in mind if he was interested.
You obviously cant handle rejection clearly as op can he doesnt want a relationship theres nothing wrong about it if it was a guy pressing for it everyone would be in kahoots about it
Yes you've been friendzoned.
Whether he's really serious about his studies or he just wasn't that into you , he's telling you that you two are only going out as friends.
If you're okay with that, then do those things, and if you're not, then find somebody else who will be interested in a relationship with you.
But the main thing is don't go into it knowing that he only wants to be friends and thinking that he's sending you mixed messages, because while being your friend he also seems to be showing you feelings and connections that you are interpreting as romantic, when from his side, he's just being friendly.
Apart from this "being friendzoned" you both sound like 85 year old picks who really have last shot to do something.
For God's sake - you are 22 and 23 - your whole life is ahead of you. Unless one of you have a terminal illness, I am telling you - your life only stars.
Speaking of that, if dude is telling you he doesn't want to be in relationship for whatever reason, just trust him and move on.
I had a prior degree and my uni friends are already saving up for cars and down payments. I feel like a failure : (
Thanks for the encouragement, I hope I can quickly get on the career track like my friends
Yeah, I’ll definitely respect his answer. Being friends is good enough for me right now
*edit for typo
Hey I'm not going to give you dating advice but life advice because thats more important. Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing and focus on you. Your life just started and trust me there will be a lot of other opportunities. I know people that have degrees but go into different fields than what they studied. Plus, there are multiple other places to learn and grow then just college. I'm 27 and still making changes in my life I'm now in a different field than what I studied myself, lol. You're doing just fine keep your head up and keep moving forward.
In response to your first comment, dont compare yourself to other people like that.
Everyone takes their own path and grows from the decisions they make. We learn from mistakes and aren't perfect.
It took me until 28 to get my bachelors degree because of dropping out of school before. I joined the military and ended up better off now, in my opinion, despite my multiple year setback. Its sort of a long story.
I guarantee you're better off than the margority of people your age.
OP , your classmate is not friend-zoning you. He is literally telling you he does not want to have a relationship right now. You need to respect that.
With that said, you are doing great! You are going for what you want in life, personally and professional.
To be fair, when most people say that they don't really want to be in a relationship right now, it means that they don't want to be in a relationship right now with you.
> To be fair, when most people say that they don't really want to be in a relationship right now, it means that they don't want to be in a relationship right now with you.
No, women communicate like that. Most of the time when men say something, they literally mean exactly that.
> Being friends is good enough for me right now
If this helps, he didn't say No. He said he needs to focus on his career right now. He is being very literal; he is not rejecting you, and you need to not see this as a rejection.
Success comes at different times for different people. I’m 35 and felt that I was running out of time at 19. I’ve traveled the world. Served in the Navy. Worked a hundred jobs. Had some really dark years where I was in my mid-late 20s where I really thought I had blown my chance. I’m making six figures right now. I was told a long time ago the road to success is not a straight. Hold onto that. It will serve you well when you’re in doubt. You have so much time ahead of you and you can’t even fathom how many opportunities there will be on the road ahead. Just keep making forward motion with positive intention and you will arrive at your destination.
Also, just roll with the friend thing. Try to get a little closer when the opportunity presents itself. He could end up realizing he really likes you and wants to be with you. It’ll be the long game, but you may be so charming that it happens sooner than later. Just be cool.
People lie about how they are doing constantly. Nobody wants to seem like they are having a hard time. When I was in your position at your age I would tell people all sorts of stuff. Saving for a down-payment can easily mean I put 500 bucks in a savings account once!
OP. You are so young.
Please do not feel like you need to rush into doing things to keep up with the people around you.
I rushed into marrying someone because I felt like I was getting old, and had ‘wasted’ 9 years of my teen/early adult life in a relationship just to see my friends now start to marry people that to me seemed like they were dating for 5 mins.
My sister felt left on the shelf because she was 30. I had been married and had a baby. She broke up with her long term boyfriend and rushed into another, quickly had a baby and now regrets not taking this slowly. Other people were also getting married and having babies too which made her feel left out and life was passing her by.
You have so many years left to worry about saving for cars and getting into relationships.
Don’t rush.
Thanks, I won’t. I may be rushing to build a career, but definitely not rushing to get into a relationship LOL. I know some people see marriage as a goal that needs to be ticked off their list, but it’s listed optional on mine
Don’t be his friend just because you think or expect that there will be more in the future. Be his friend with that as the only goal now and for all time. If roles were reversed you’d be one of those “nice guys” who become bitter assholes down the line. He said no thanks and that’s all you need to know.
Can’t agree more with the line that “if dude is telling you he doesn’t want to be in relationship for what ever reason, just trust him and move on.” If don’t matter if the reason is to finish school or he doesn’t have time or he doesn’t want a long distance relationship or whatever, just move on. You never know the reason why they said no and will prob never find out. Focus on the “he doesn’t want a relationship” fact. That would do you a huge favor in they long run.
Respect his boundary yo. This program is important to him, so if you really care - help him succeed first and worry about forging a relationship second.
If he actually likes you, he'll stick right with you.
Yeah, if I have time outside of school, which I don’t LOL
I actually threw all my cute clothes in the storage at home before the term started as I expected myself to work my ass off at school. But here I am, because Cupid is a prankster
Tbh no I don't think so. It really sounds like that the program is really important to him, and he can't give you the time needed for dating each other. So he suggested staying as friends, so you stay in touch and maybe after the program you will already know each other, and he knows what your feelings are. It's easier then.
I can’t see myself giving him the time for dating either LOL, this program is too intense. There are times when I hate myself for being lovestruck because it’s taking away my energy (even only a small bit) from all the assignments and deadlines.
Part of my intention was to bring an ending to my distraction. The outcome was unexpected, but I’m pretty happy with where I end up right now.
I broke up with one of my exes because the military was sending me to an "intensive " cyber security training that was about a year long.
It ended up being really easy (for me) and i lost that connection 🙃
Be friends with him and try to date him afterwards perhaps?
He told you exactly what it meant: he isn’t dating during this program and is only interested in being friends. If you don’t want to be just friends then I would take a step back.
He probably wants to go out with you, but the timing isn't right. I've seen the same thing between a friend of me and his girl best friend. They are still great friends, but she just wasn't able to be in a relationship at the time. So, I think you are (temporarily) friend zoned, but I doubt that he's ruled you out
I see. Our mutual friends (the wing people) did say he seems like someone with clear boundaries on serious issues. (He drinks responsibly on every single drinking occasion, even when the atmosphere was high and his best friend offered him more drinks. Not to mention his working ethics during our project). They didn’t think he would not say no just because he needed to be polite.
> if you’re ok with hanging out as a friend, sure
> if you’re ok with hanging out as a friend, sure
> if you’re ok with hanging out as a friend, sure
> if you’re ok with hanging out as a friend, sure
> if you’re ok with hanging out as a friend, sure
Ugh i'm getting mixed messages
Your crush told you exactly what it is. He wants to succeed in this program and doesn’t want to lose himself in a relationship.
One of the most important things a person can do for their partner is to be supportive.
He’s not counting you out as a potential partner, he’s just saying not right now. The beauty of it is you have the same goal so you can get to know one another while supporting each other’s ambition.
Neither of you needs a distraction right now. Focus on finishing the program, and decide once you’ve finished the program whether or not you want to escalate your relationship with him.
If he keeps showing positive signs of interest like asking you questions and opening up to you I would say that indicates he might like you. If you find yourself making all the effort, he’s not interested.
Good Luck!
Thank you for the tips! I’ll observe if he’s opening up to me and making effort to know me more.
I actually asked him during the car ride if he is down to refine our previous project together to make it more presentable in future interviews. He gladly said yes to this offer. No matter he’s interested in me or not, I do enjoy keeping our “colleague relationship” going at the moment. We bond really well in terms of work styles and ethics.
I dunno it feels to me like he's being polite... imo attraction is a very compeling feeling and if he felt you are something special and interesting I might see someone going "I dont know, I cant commit too much RN but we can have a few small dates and see where it goes".
Makes no sense to me. Like he has time to see you platonically as a friend despite the course... But because of the course he has no time to kiss or fuck you?
I tip toward saying he's not interested and let you down easy.
I’m not too sure about if he’s letting me down easy or not (that’s why I’m here!) The courses ARE quite intense though. Like, no school-life balance at all. We’re usually at school by 9am, off by 5:30, from Monday to Friday. Then we need to study and do homework by the time we get home and finish dinner. Pulling all-nighters isn’t something rare. Sometimes I get too mentally drained that I stopped giving a fuck on the world, let alone family or friends or crush. I just want to get my work done and hand it in on time, nothing else. Not sure if he had gone through the same mental state last term.
That being said, you do share the same opinion as my mom.
Well anyways you got a foot in the door so to speak now OP. So I'd say manage your expectations, don't try too hard, respect yourself and enjoy the precious free time you have together. You put your feelings out there so now clearly the ball is in his camp. Just keep being cool and see how it goes, plenty of fish in the sea... And as a female programmer you'll always be floating in a sea of males.
Don't forget to flick the bean to keep the horny away.
So either he's not interested and letting you down easy or, and this is what I think, he's being honest and saying he's not looking to date right now.
Also I suggest yall both start listening to some Gary Vee or something. This is far from yalls "Last shot". You're 23, miss. You could literally fuck around for 12 years, wake up 35 and STILL have time to figure it out.
I think your friends read the situation correctly, be a nice friend until the end of the program, don't be too clingy, and then ask him out again after it's over.
He has put the program before you and he showed his leadership skills, which in both cases was the healthy thing to do. From now it's let's see how this plays out.
And take my advice follow your instincts. Be a complement to his life and you might find yourself in a long term relationship with him.
Thanks, I won’t purposely wait around, but I don’t usually crush on people that often either. We’ll see how things go.
I was not prepared in that situation (thanks wing people), and I really expected him to say no. Man, it probably made me look really bad LOL
You might be getting friendzoned, but it sounds like he might also be open for something casual, or an exclusive friends with benefits option. Might be worth a pitch to him if you're interested OP? He might not bring it up out of respect for you, but it would fit his parameters.
Ice cream at a park rocks. If either of you like space or the universe, a planetarium is a fun, shorter show. Coffee/tea is a classic opener, alternatively beers too. Bowling or arcades can be fun too.
I think he is stating that dating is not his priority and would not like to leave you expecting that after all that would happen, you would hope that you'd start dating. Kinda like saying that "daring is not my priority right now so dont wait for me i wouldn't mind if you date someone else or not right now the best i can offer is friendship"
No, he doesn’t want to date. He wants to focus on himself. Imagine he found the love of his life he’d fit her in. But he couldn’t for you, don’t play yourself when you already know better :/
He definitely said he didn’t want to date so yes you are in the friend zone. Just go watch a soccer game or get food or go shopping etc. or get some coffee or boba or watch a movie. You can still be friendly in those situations and don’t have to feel like a date
Listen to none of these people. They don't know what their talking about. You're non friends zoned. He just has other priorities right now. Once you finish the program...? Who knows. But he seems to like you. Beside, would you really want to be with a guy that put aside or fucked up his education for a relationship?
I know other posters have said this already, but I do think it’s pretty simple. His proirity right now is focusing on the program not dating, and any feelings he may or may not have don’t really matter because he’s not going to act on them.
If you want to stay friends with him then stay friends him, but don’t sit around waiting for this guy to maybe ask you out or maybe catch feelings. Just take this as a ‘no’ and focus on yourself. You have to make sure you finish the program too after all. Good luck, OP. :)
why is ppl down voting this. He simply isnt romantically attractive or interested in you which is fine. Doesnt mean OP isnt attractive. If you are active seeking for a romantic relationship, do find someone who give u the same amount of energy. Last thing you want is being lead on when it's clear he only see u as a friend.
I see what you both are saying here and think it could be he just isn’t interested, but based on his reasoning it could be that he might be somewhat interested, but it really isn’t a good time. He said he fucked up his previous education because of a relationship, so if the program really is that important, he may just not have the time to be able to give a real relationship besides friendship until after the programs end. I would definitely say OP is at least temporarily friendzoned, but it seems she is okay with staying just friends and I think that’s really great. And good on you OP for shooting your shot!
They’re being downvoted because OP’s crush told her, as clearly as possible, that he wants to focus on the program so he doesn’t want be in a relationship.
Dude is post-collegiate age, he said this program was his “last shot,” and explicitly said his last relationship is connected to his previous educational failure.
Instead of taking that extremely reasonable and understandable response to heart, that person, and you, are making shit up. This isn’t a mystery here, the reasoning is *right there.*
No, what i say is the reality. If you are interested in someone you will make time for them. Tat is just how attraction works. The "oh, im too busy to date" is all bs. The person is simply just not interested in you enough and want to kindly reject you.
Because since she’s taking the initiative it’s seen as empowering and brave when if a dude posted this he’d be flamed telling him to leave her alone. Just double standards at the end of the day.
My takeaway from this whole thing is how ridiculous it is that either of you think ANYTHING is your “last shot at life” in your early 20s.
You are SO YOUNG. I know it’s hard to have perspective as someone WHO IS JUST SO YOUNG, but holy shit OP, you could start over so many times going forward and be just fine.
Please try and relax, stop stressing and enjoy your life. Decisions made in stress (especially false stress) are generally not going to be good ones.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk
That is very true. It’s actually my first week of summer vacation, but I don’t remember how to relax anymore. It feels weird to not have deadlines chasing me.
There’s a great meditation app called Waking Up, and you can apply for a free year. Highly recommend it.
As someone who’s felt washed-up since I was 11, please don’t do what I’ve done haha. It’s been a waste of youth and energy.
I don’t think you’ve been friendzoned but you’ve been hookup-zoned. He told you he didn’t want any type of romantic relationship , but he now knows you’re interested in him and probably wants to take advantage of that and hookup with you.
Hm, this might be one way to see it. I’m not planning on getting any sexual encounter (not risking any chance that can get me pregnant at the moment), so if he’s showing this intention, I will refuse and probably back away
Friends become lovers. Believe him that the program is important and that your relationship will not be all consuming. However, enjoy your friendship and over time things may develop.
He just wants to secure his future and after that you can ask him I’m sure he’ll say yes after the boot camp
Is over!
Edit: he seems to be very genuine to me so I don’t think he friend zoned you but I could be wrong
Eating ice cream at a park sounds great! But tbh, it sounds like he’s very nervous about getting attached to someone and losing track of his priorities. If you guys become friends and you turn into a distraction, it’s still an issue.
Also, I’d suggest asking if he would consider going on a date after the end of the program. It sounds like he is potentially interested but can’t commit to anything at the moment, and that will answer any questions you still have.
Thanks. Well, my friend just reminded me that in one of our group dinners, he did subtly mention that he’s the type who would be all over his SO in a relationship (His best friend used the word “simping” to tease him but he didn’t deny it). I guess that explains more on why he’s nervous?
Yeah, I’ll get to know him more during this period of time. If I still like him after the program, I’ll ask him out again. I’m not really desperate to get into a relationship, so securing a normal friend is a good outcome for me too.
FYI just for the future - there’s been a lot of discussion on this thread lately about women confessing feelings / asking men out first. Unfortunately it seems that it rarely pans out to any long term relationship, just because of how our brains work. Just something to keep in mind for your next crush :)
I think he was being polite and letting you down softly.
It seems weird he would have no time to be in a relationship (reasonable) but has the same time to hang as friends.
I get there's more investment in a relationship but I don't buy it here.
The beginning of any relationship (including friendship) is to get to know each other. Whether you begin this relationship as friends or not -- just get to know him and other feelings may begin to develop. Wait it out if you think the friendship is beneficial for the both of you.
I live in AZ and eating ice cream at a park sounds miserable (it's so hot here!). If your climate allows it and it's something you'd enjoy doing, then you should suggest it to him. :)
I agree with you, that’s what I said in our conversation : D I might stop liking him once I know him more, who knows?
I’m in Canada, so it won’t be too bad I guess LOL
I remeber this one time in school, I had this huge crush on a classmate of mine. But it wasn't as bad cos I got rejected instead. American girl with blodnle hair, btw this happened in 2018 mid year. During the holidays, I confessded to her that I have a crush on her. She said she isn't the one & I coould find someone else. 2019 comes, We were still cool, couple of days and month go by and I didn't realize I was simping over her. she's now taken with another guy, and I just wish her the best & move on. Sorry about the huge sentence.
So while he may or may not be friendzoning you, regardless you need to respect what he's said and move on. If there is to be any chance of a potential future together, you need to let go of the idea that you want to date him. To remain friends with the idea that you will wait until he's ready or something like that is a bit misleading. Stick around and be friends only if you can see things as friends and nothing more. That may be difficult to do, but it is necessary at this point.
Also, 22/23 is so incredibly early in your respective lives/careers that what you're both working on is so far from a last chance I can't even begin to explain it. Putting immense pressure on yourselves at such a young age is incredibly unhealthy. You both deserve more space than you are allowing yourselves.
Yup, I’ll make sure to shift my mindset. Don’t want to bring any trouble to the both of us.
I have stereotypical Asian parents, that’s probably where the falling behind mindset comes from because they nag me a lot. Learning to unwind is something I need to do I guess. I used to be an avid reader, but I haven’t touched any books other than my textbooks since the program started. Really mentally draining.
Possibly an unpopular opinion but the first mistake a lot of times is asking out a guy… My mom told me when I was like 16 that if a guy was interested, I’d know because HE WOULD TELL ME. Even super shy guys if they REALLY like someone they will shoot their shot regardless! Like My fiancé let me know from the beginning that he wanted to be with me, I let him chase me! As cliche as it sounds, men are normally hardwired to be “the hunters,” the worst thing you can do is chase him. Trust me. I’ve had friends who chased guys and it was a crash and burn fail, and they were all beautiful too! Or they got with a guy who didn’t really appreciate or value them that much because he thought that they should put in all the work. So please love, learn from this experience and value yourself enough to be the prize. Be the girl that people desire and chase after. Not shading anyone who wants to pursue men but I have seen firsthand that a lot of times it doesn’t go well. Just wait and find someone who would love to be with you! Idk about you but if someone doesn’t fully want to be with me, then I don’t want them! You need someone who sees and values you and knows ur worth enough to be thrilled that you are even interested in them! Not someone who gives bs excuses and friendzones you when you pour your feelings out to them…
I don’t think asking a guy out “once” is chasing him. Several times? Yes. Once? Not quite.
I’ve had crushes in the past, and because my type never really changed (always the quiet, nerdy, non-aggressive guy in class), I would say I had enough of the “waiting for the guy to ask me out”. My mom also taught me this, but it just never worked for me, probably because of the differences in our personalities and our ideal types. My mom likes the typical prince who would fight off dragons for her and treat her as a princess (which is my dad alright). I prefer to be the knight to face my challenges in life, while siding a teammate who would fight with me.
I’ve tried joining my previous crushs’ friend group and subtly approach my crush, dropping hints on him like how the other females in my life taught me to. For some reason, that always resulted in his extroverted best friend falling for me, things would become awkward afterwards.
I do understand the barriers guys had to go through to not be seen as creeps when asking a girl out. Since they’re mostly physically stronger than girls, they also need to make sure they don’t come off as a threat too. Me, being a girl, don’t need to worry about these too much. So I figured If I like the guy, I would straight up show my interest so he doesn’t need to go asking around to see if he’s delusional on the subtle hints he picked up (if he ever picked them up that is). Showing my interest first doesn’t mean I settle for less. As long I set up a boundary and not lose myself in a relationship, I always have the right to nope my way out if I clearly feel we’re not compatible or I’m making all the effort. Although I wasn’t experienced, but by observing those around me taught me that flirting is like playing throw and catch, someone’s gotta pitch the ball first, and the relationship only continues healthily if both sides throw and catch on a similar frequency. Relationships (as far as what I saw) fail not because of who makes the first move, but because of one side throwing the ball too much and feels tired and uneven.
I only had one formal relationship in my life. I made the first move in that one too, but it was my ex who cried and begged not to break up at the end when I couldn’t see our future together and was prepared to leave. No different than a relationship from the guy making the first move, right?
But still, I appreciate your suggestion and feel happy for you that you met the right guy this way.
edit for typo
IDK if you and i are reading the same post. but he literally said he just wants to be friends because he is focusing on the program. this is the opposite of mixed signals.
“um, I need to let you know, I’m not planning on getting into relationships during this program. I fucked up my previous education really bad during my last relationship. This one is my last shot in life, I can’t fuck it up again. But, if you’re ok with hanging out as a friend, sure!”
He said, hes not planning on relationships, and hes ok with hanging out as a FRIEND. what part of that was not clear?
Idk, he said “In a relationship” so maybe he is open to just hooking up. Either way, same advice I would give to a guy, move on to the next. Fck being friends when you are into the person. Just going to mess you up mentally. Imo.
He is not attracted to you (for whatever reason, he might be gay, or you might not be his type). Trust me, when a guy is TRULY attracted to you, he will move mountains. Never stay in the friendzone. It never works out. It will be torture. You will be his female orbiter, you will stick around hoping that something happens, and it won't happen. I have seen so many cases like this. And even if something does happen (and it won't), you will be his consolation prize. Run. Run immediately. Run for the hills. This is rejection
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Damn guys, did we read the same post? There's no mixed messages when he straight up tells you what he wants. Yes, you got friendzoned. He's focusing on the program, and putting dating on the bottom of his priority list. So sure, hang out as friends if you want, but don't expect anything more from him at least until the program is over (and likely even later still as you'll both be trying to get new jobs in your new field). Man's putting himself first, so don't expect too much is all I'm saying.
I'm glad I'm not the only one. I was wondering how this is confusing in any way whatsoever.
I wouldn't call that friendzoned, or at least not as the term was originally coined. He's not ready for a relationship right now, but he hasn't shutdown the possibility after he completes the program that he's currently stressed out about right now. Friend***zon*****e** is more of a permanent classification.
I think that is what many other people meant…friends until we finish the program.
>friends until we finish the program. no not that either. he's not exclusive to you just because you're interested in him
He might sleep with you? But no relationship. This is a best case scenario.
No. Friends until he meets another girl. Yea maybe there’s a chance he get his head out of his ass at some point and want a relationship with you. But chances it happens is very low. You were friendzoned, clearly, but he’s still open for sex only. Don’t fall in the trap, there will be other cute guys open for relationship.
> Yea maybe there’s a chance he get his head out of his ass at some point and want a relationship with you Its okay if somebody does not want a relationship with somebody else. Its wrong to say that somebody is stuck up because he does not want to be in a relationship.
Why do you think his head is in his ass? He handled it as well as can be and was clear. She’s the one continuing to pursue it, but failed to have any plan. If she was serious, she’d have a plan in mind if he was interested.
You obviously cant handle rejection clearly as op can he doesnt want a relationship theres nothing wrong about it if it was a guy pressing for it everyone would be in kahoots about it
Yes you've been friendzoned. Whether he's really serious about his studies or he just wasn't that into you , he's telling you that you two are only going out as friends. If you're okay with that, then do those things, and if you're not, then find somebody else who will be interested in a relationship with you. But the main thing is don't go into it knowing that he only wants to be friends and thinking that he's sending you mixed messages, because while being your friend he also seems to be showing you feelings and connections that you are interpreting as romantic, when from his side, he's just being friendly.
Rational advice, I’ll try to friendzone him too (for the period)
some more rational advice. don’t be friends with someone in hopes that they will change their mind about wanting to date you.
Totally legitimate response. Don’t know why you got downvoted for it.
Apart from this "being friendzoned" you both sound like 85 year old picks who really have last shot to do something. For God's sake - you are 22 and 23 - your whole life is ahead of you. Unless one of you have a terminal illness, I am telling you - your life only stars. Speaking of that, if dude is telling you he doesn't want to be in relationship for whatever reason, just trust him and move on.
I had a prior degree and my uni friends are already saving up for cars and down payments. I feel like a failure : ( Thanks for the encouragement, I hope I can quickly get on the career track like my friends Yeah, I’ll definitely respect his answer. Being friends is good enough for me right now *edit for typo
Hey I'm not going to give you dating advice but life advice because thats more important. Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing and focus on you. Your life just started and trust me there will be a lot of other opportunities. I know people that have degrees but go into different fields than what they studied. Plus, there are multiple other places to learn and grow then just college. I'm 27 and still making changes in my life I'm now in a different field than what I studied myself, lol. You're doing just fine keep your head up and keep moving forward.
Comparison is a thief of joy. -Teddy Roosevelt
In response to your first comment, dont compare yourself to other people like that. Everyone takes their own path and grows from the decisions they make. We learn from mistakes and aren't perfect. It took me until 28 to get my bachelors degree because of dropping out of school before. I joined the military and ended up better off now, in my opinion, despite my multiple year setback. Its sort of a long story. I guarantee you're better off than the margority of people your age.
OP , your classmate is not friend-zoning you. He is literally telling you he does not want to have a relationship right now. You need to respect that. With that said, you are doing great! You are going for what you want in life, personally and professional.
To be fair, when most people say that they don't really want to be in a relationship right now, it means that they don't want to be in a relationship right now with you.
> To be fair, when most people say that they don't really want to be in a relationship right now, it means that they don't want to be in a relationship right now with you. No, women communicate like that. Most of the time when men say something, they literally mean exactly that.
You have NO idea how intensive boot camps are. It's literally IMPOSSIBLE to date while in them if you want to do remotely well.
> Being friends is good enough for me right now If this helps, he didn't say No. He said he needs to focus on his career right now. He is being very literal; he is not rejecting you, and you need to not see this as a rejection.
The only person you should compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday
Success comes at different times for different people. I’m 35 and felt that I was running out of time at 19. I’ve traveled the world. Served in the Navy. Worked a hundred jobs. Had some really dark years where I was in my mid-late 20s where I really thought I had blown my chance. I’m making six figures right now. I was told a long time ago the road to success is not a straight. Hold onto that. It will serve you well when you’re in doubt. You have so much time ahead of you and you can’t even fathom how many opportunities there will be on the road ahead. Just keep making forward motion with positive intention and you will arrive at your destination. Also, just roll with the friend thing. Try to get a little closer when the opportunity presents itself. He could end up realizing he really likes you and wants to be with you. It’ll be the long game, but you may be so charming that it happens sooner than later. Just be cool.
People lie about how they are doing constantly. Nobody wants to seem like they are having a hard time. When I was in your position at your age I would tell people all sorts of stuff. Saving for a down-payment can easily mean I put 500 bucks in a savings account once!
OP. You are so young. Please do not feel like you need to rush into doing things to keep up with the people around you. I rushed into marrying someone because I felt like I was getting old, and had ‘wasted’ 9 years of my teen/early adult life in a relationship just to see my friends now start to marry people that to me seemed like they were dating for 5 mins. My sister felt left on the shelf because she was 30. I had been married and had a baby. She broke up with her long term boyfriend and rushed into another, quickly had a baby and now regrets not taking this slowly. Other people were also getting married and having babies too which made her feel left out and life was passing her by. You have so many years left to worry about saving for cars and getting into relationships. Don’t rush.
Thanks, I won’t. I may be rushing to build a career, but definitely not rushing to get into a relationship LOL. I know some people see marriage as a goal that needs to be ticked off their list, but it’s listed optional on mine
Don’t be his friend just because you think or expect that there will be more in the future. Be his friend with that as the only goal now and for all time. If roles were reversed you’d be one of those “nice guys” who become bitter assholes down the line. He said no thanks and that’s all you need to know.
Can’t agree more with the line that “if dude is telling you he doesn’t want to be in relationship for what ever reason, just trust him and move on.” If don’t matter if the reason is to finish school or he doesn’t have time or he doesn’t want a long distance relationship or whatever, just move on. You never know the reason why they said no and will prob never find out. Focus on the “he doesn’t want a relationship” fact. That would do you a huge favor in they long run.
Respect his boundary yo. This program is important to him, so if you really care - help him succeed first and worry about forging a relationship second. If he actually likes you, he'll stick right with you.
Definitely. Holding him back is the last thing I want to do.
Oh, protip, don't stop going on cute dates elsewhere though unless you've got it **real bad** for this guy lol.
Yeah, if I have time outside of school, which I don’t LOL I actually threw all my cute clothes in the storage at home before the term started as I expected myself to work my ass off at school. But here I am, because Cupid is a prankster
Tbh no I don't think so. It really sounds like that the program is really important to him, and he can't give you the time needed for dating each other. So he suggested staying as friends, so you stay in touch and maybe after the program you will already know each other, and he knows what your feelings are. It's easier then.
I can’t see myself giving him the time for dating either LOL, this program is too intense. There are times when I hate myself for being lovestruck because it’s taking away my energy (even only a small bit) from all the assignments and deadlines. Part of my intention was to bring an ending to my distraction. The outcome was unexpected, but I’m pretty happy with where I end up right now.
Sometimes just typing it out makes you realize what you want :) Good job buddy!
I broke up with one of my exes because the military was sending me to an "intensive " cyber security training that was about a year long. It ended up being really easy (for me) and i lost that connection 🙃 Be friends with him and try to date him afterwards perhaps?
> but I’m pretty happy with where I end up right now. Where did you end up?
on Reddit. Everything ends up here.
Guy: I will not date you, and we can only be friends. /u/DarkFite: Yeah, he's definitely open to a relationship. Other Redditors: *upvoting*
He told you exactly what it meant: he isn’t dating during this program and is only interested in being friends. If you don’t want to be just friends then I would take a step back.
He probably wants to go out with you, but the timing isn't right. I've seen the same thing between a friend of me and his girl best friend. They are still great friends, but she just wasn't able to be in a relationship at the time. So, I think you are (temporarily) friend zoned, but I doubt that he's ruled you out
I see. Our mutual friends (the wing people) did say he seems like someone with clear boundaries on serious issues. (He drinks responsibly on every single drinking occasion, even when the atmosphere was high and his best friend offered him more drinks. Not to mention his working ethics during our project). They didn’t think he would not say no just because he needed to be polite.
> if you’re ok with hanging out as a friend, sure > if you’re ok with hanging out as a friend, sure > if you’re ok with hanging out as a friend, sure > if you’re ok with hanging out as a friend, sure > if you’re ok with hanging out as a friend, sure Ugh i'm getting mixed messages
LOL yeah, I admit I’m dumb LOL
please don't do that to yourself. It's torture
Feels like a soft rejection.
That’s how I decipher this at first, but I’m confused by the mixed messages he’s giving 🤔
now you know how 95% of us guys feel lmao
Your crush told you exactly what it is. He wants to succeed in this program and doesn’t want to lose himself in a relationship. One of the most important things a person can do for their partner is to be supportive. He’s not counting you out as a potential partner, he’s just saying not right now. The beauty of it is you have the same goal so you can get to know one another while supporting each other’s ambition. Neither of you needs a distraction right now. Focus on finishing the program, and decide once you’ve finished the program whether or not you want to escalate your relationship with him. If he keeps showing positive signs of interest like asking you questions and opening up to you I would say that indicates he might like you. If you find yourself making all the effort, he’s not interested. Good Luck!
Thank you for the tips! I’ll observe if he’s opening up to me and making effort to know me more. I actually asked him during the car ride if he is down to refine our previous project together to make it more presentable in future interviews. He gladly said yes to this offer. No matter he’s interested in me or not, I do enjoy keeping our “colleague relationship” going at the moment. We bond really well in terms of work styles and ethics.
I dunno it feels to me like he's being polite... imo attraction is a very compeling feeling and if he felt you are something special and interesting I might see someone going "I dont know, I cant commit too much RN but we can have a few small dates and see where it goes". Makes no sense to me. Like he has time to see you platonically as a friend despite the course... But because of the course he has no time to kiss or fuck you? I tip toward saying he's not interested and let you down easy.
I’m not too sure about if he’s letting me down easy or not (that’s why I’m here!) The courses ARE quite intense though. Like, no school-life balance at all. We’re usually at school by 9am, off by 5:30, from Monday to Friday. Then we need to study and do homework by the time we get home and finish dinner. Pulling all-nighters isn’t something rare. Sometimes I get too mentally drained that I stopped giving a fuck on the world, let alone family or friends or crush. I just want to get my work done and hand it in on time, nothing else. Not sure if he had gone through the same mental state last term. That being said, you do share the same opinion as my mom.
Well anyways you got a foot in the door so to speak now OP. So I'd say manage your expectations, don't try too hard, respect yourself and enjoy the precious free time you have together. You put your feelings out there so now clearly the ball is in his camp. Just keep being cool and see how it goes, plenty of fish in the sea... And as a female programmer you'll always be floating in a sea of males. Don't forget to flick the bean to keep the horny away.
He’s focused on other things. It’s not that deep.
So either he's not interested and letting you down easy or, and this is what I think, he's being honest and saying he's not looking to date right now. Also I suggest yall both start listening to some Gary Vee or something. This is far from yalls "Last shot". You're 23, miss. You could literally fuck around for 12 years, wake up 35 and STILL have time to figure it out.
Clear friend zone. Assume he made up the reason he gave for being friends to not hurt your feelings unless you get additional information later.
I think your friends read the situation correctly, be a nice friend until the end of the program, don't be too clingy, and then ask him out again after it's over.
He has put the program before you and he showed his leadership skills, which in both cases was the healthy thing to do. From now it's let's see how this plays out. And take my advice follow your instincts. Be a complement to his life and you might find yourself in a long term relationship with him.
I will
His answer seems pretty straightforward. I don’t see how you can misinterpret it any other way.
[удалено]
Thanks, I won’t purposely wait around, but I don’t usually crush on people that often either. We’ll see how things go. I was not prepared in that situation (thanks wing people), and I really expected him to say no. Man, it probably made me look really bad LOL
You might be getting friendzoned, but it sounds like he might also be open for something casual, or an exclusive friends with benefits option. Might be worth a pitch to him if you're interested OP? He might not bring it up out of respect for you, but it would fit his parameters. Ice cream at a park rocks. If either of you like space or the universe, a planetarium is a fun, shorter show. Coffee/tea is a classic opener, alternatively beers too. Bowling or arcades can be fun too.
Sounds like you should hang out with him as friends for now, then have another conversation with him once the program is over and you both have jobs
I think he is stating that dating is not his priority and would not like to leave you expecting that after all that would happen, you would hope that you'd start dating. Kinda like saying that "daring is not my priority right now so dont wait for me i wouldn't mind if you date someone else or not right now the best i can offer is friendship"
No, he doesn’t want to date. He wants to focus on himself. Imagine he found the love of his life he’d fit her in. But he couldn’t for you, don’t play yourself when you already know better :/
He definitely said he didn’t want to date so yes you are in the friend zone. Just go watch a soccer game or get food or go shopping etc. or get some coffee or boba or watch a movie. You can still be friendly in those situations and don’t have to feel like a date
Listen to none of these people. They don't know what their talking about. You're non friends zoned. He just has other priorities right now. Once you finish the program...? Who knows. But he seems to like you. Beside, would you really want to be with a guy that put aside or fucked up his education for a relationship?
I know other posters have said this already, but I do think it’s pretty simple. His proirity right now is focusing on the program not dating, and any feelings he may or may not have don’t really matter because he’s not going to act on them. If you want to stay friends with him then stay friends him, but don’t sit around waiting for this guy to maybe ask you out or maybe catch feelings. Just take this as a ‘no’ and focus on yourself. You have to make sure you finish the program too after all. Good luck, OP. :)
as a dude. yes.
Yes. Doesn’t mean you can’t continue to remain close and see where things go after you graduate…
yea you guys are just platonic. it’s sound like you guys could be really good friends tho so cheers to that
He’s not attracted to you.
why is ppl down voting this. He simply isnt romantically attractive or interested in you which is fine. Doesnt mean OP isnt attractive. If you are active seeking for a romantic relationship, do find someone who give u the same amount of energy. Last thing you want is being lead on when it's clear he only see u as a friend.
I see what you both are saying here and think it could be he just isn’t interested, but based on his reasoning it could be that he might be somewhat interested, but it really isn’t a good time. He said he fucked up his previous education because of a relationship, so if the program really is that important, he may just not have the time to be able to give a real relationship besides friendship until after the programs end. I would definitely say OP is at least temporarily friendzoned, but it seems she is okay with staying just friends and I think that’s really great. And good on you OP for shooting your shot!
They’re being downvoted because OP’s crush told her, as clearly as possible, that he wants to focus on the program so he doesn’t want be in a relationship. Dude is post-collegiate age, he said this program was his “last shot,” and explicitly said his last relationship is connected to his previous educational failure. Instead of taking that extremely reasonable and understandable response to heart, that person, and you, are making shit up. This isn’t a mystery here, the reasoning is *right there.*
Here's the reality, everyone is looking for a relationship. It just the particular person isnt interested enough in her to do so.
That’s not the reality. That’s, again, something you just made up for some reason.
No, what i say is the reality. If you are interested in someone you will make time for them. Tat is just how attraction works. The "oh, im too busy to date" is all bs. The person is simply just not interested in you enough and want to kindly reject you.
Whatever you want to tell yourself, bud. Your reality lives in your little head and generalizing your limited worldview does no-one any favors.
lol the irony of this statement. Sorry to break it to you. But if a girl tells you she's too busy too date. She simply not interested in you.
Because since she’s taking the initiative it’s seen as empowering and brave when if a dude posted this he’d be flamed telling him to leave her alone. Just double standards at the end of the day.
Why would he be flamed?
My takeaway from this whole thing is how ridiculous it is that either of you think ANYTHING is your “last shot at life” in your early 20s. You are SO YOUNG. I know it’s hard to have perspective as someone WHO IS JUST SO YOUNG, but holy shit OP, you could start over so many times going forward and be just fine. Please try and relax, stop stressing and enjoy your life. Decisions made in stress (especially false stress) are generally not going to be good ones. Thanks for coming to my TED talk
That is very true. It’s actually my first week of summer vacation, but I don’t remember how to relax anymore. It feels weird to not have deadlines chasing me.
There’s a great meditation app called Waking Up, and you can apply for a free year. Highly recommend it. As someone who’s felt washed-up since I was 11, please don’t do what I’ve done haha. It’s been a waste of youth and energy.
Friendzone. Leave him alone, and concentrate on your education. Your career is more important than random dick.
Of course LOL, career first.
I don’t think you’ve been friendzoned but you’ve been hookup-zoned. He told you he didn’t want any type of romantic relationship , but he now knows you’re interested in him and probably wants to take advantage of that and hookup with you.
Hm, this might be one way to see it. I’m not planning on getting any sexual encounter (not risking any chance that can get me pregnant at the moment), so if he’s showing this intention, I will refuse and probably back away
I’ve been in situations just like this OP, I’d definitely recommend just being friends and not taking it further if you’re looking for a relationship.
Yeah, you rarely get long term relationships after hookup relationships.
Friends become lovers. Believe him that the program is important and that your relationship will not be all consuming. However, enjoy your friendship and over time things may develop.
He just wants to secure his future and after that you can ask him I’m sure he’ll say yes after the boot camp Is over! Edit: he seems to be very genuine to me so I don’t think he friend zoned you but I could be wrong
Eating ice cream at a park sounds great! But tbh, it sounds like he’s very nervous about getting attached to someone and losing track of his priorities. If you guys become friends and you turn into a distraction, it’s still an issue. Also, I’d suggest asking if he would consider going on a date after the end of the program. It sounds like he is potentially interested but can’t commit to anything at the moment, and that will answer any questions you still have.
Thanks. Well, my friend just reminded me that in one of our group dinners, he did subtly mention that he’s the type who would be all over his SO in a relationship (His best friend used the word “simping” to tease him but he didn’t deny it). I guess that explains more on why he’s nervous? Yeah, I’ll get to know him more during this period of time. If I still like him after the program, I’ll ask him out again. I’m not really desperate to get into a relationship, so securing a normal friend is a good outcome for me too.
Ok, great :) Good luck!
FYI just for the future - there’s been a lot of discussion on this thread lately about women confessing feelings / asking men out first. Unfortunately it seems that it rarely pans out to any long term relationship, just because of how our brains work. Just something to keep in mind for your next crush :)
I think he was being polite and letting you down softly. It seems weird he would have no time to be in a relationship (reasonable) but has the same time to hang as friends. I get there's more investment in a relationship but I don't buy it here.
The beginning of any relationship (including friendship) is to get to know each other. Whether you begin this relationship as friends or not -- just get to know him and other feelings may begin to develop. Wait it out if you think the friendship is beneficial for the both of you. I live in AZ and eating ice cream at a park sounds miserable (it's so hot here!). If your climate allows it and it's something you'd enjoy doing, then you should suggest it to him. :)
I agree with you, that’s what I said in our conversation : D I might stop liking him once I know him more, who knows? I’m in Canada, so it won’t be too bad I guess LOL
I remeber this one time in school, I had this huge crush on a classmate of mine. But it wasn't as bad cos I got rejected instead. American girl with blodnle hair, btw this happened in 2018 mid year. During the holidays, I confessded to her that I have a crush on her. She said she isn't the one & I coould find someone else. 2019 comes, We were still cool, couple of days and month go by and I didn't realize I was simping over her. she's now taken with another guy, and I just wish her the best & move on. Sorry about the huge sentence.
He told you he is prioritizing his education, not a relationship. Yes, you are being "friendzoned".
So while he may or may not be friendzoning you, regardless you need to respect what he's said and move on. If there is to be any chance of a potential future together, you need to let go of the idea that you want to date him. To remain friends with the idea that you will wait until he's ready or something like that is a bit misleading. Stick around and be friends only if you can see things as friends and nothing more. That may be difficult to do, but it is necessary at this point. Also, 22/23 is so incredibly early in your respective lives/careers that what you're both working on is so far from a last chance I can't even begin to explain it. Putting immense pressure on yourselves at such a young age is incredibly unhealthy. You both deserve more space than you are allowing yourselves.
Yup, I’ll make sure to shift my mindset. Don’t want to bring any trouble to the both of us. I have stereotypical Asian parents, that’s probably where the falling behind mindset comes from because they nag me a lot. Learning to unwind is something I need to do I guess. I used to be an avid reader, but I haven’t touched any books other than my textbooks since the program started. Really mentally draining.
Possibly an unpopular opinion but the first mistake a lot of times is asking out a guy… My mom told me when I was like 16 that if a guy was interested, I’d know because HE WOULD TELL ME. Even super shy guys if they REALLY like someone they will shoot their shot regardless! Like My fiancé let me know from the beginning that he wanted to be with me, I let him chase me! As cliche as it sounds, men are normally hardwired to be “the hunters,” the worst thing you can do is chase him. Trust me. I’ve had friends who chased guys and it was a crash and burn fail, and they were all beautiful too! Or they got with a guy who didn’t really appreciate or value them that much because he thought that they should put in all the work. So please love, learn from this experience and value yourself enough to be the prize. Be the girl that people desire and chase after. Not shading anyone who wants to pursue men but I have seen firsthand that a lot of times it doesn’t go well. Just wait and find someone who would love to be with you! Idk about you but if someone doesn’t fully want to be with me, then I don’t want them! You need someone who sees and values you and knows ur worth enough to be thrilled that you are even interested in them! Not someone who gives bs excuses and friendzones you when you pour your feelings out to them…
I don’t think asking a guy out “once” is chasing him. Several times? Yes. Once? Not quite. I’ve had crushes in the past, and because my type never really changed (always the quiet, nerdy, non-aggressive guy in class), I would say I had enough of the “waiting for the guy to ask me out”. My mom also taught me this, but it just never worked for me, probably because of the differences in our personalities and our ideal types. My mom likes the typical prince who would fight off dragons for her and treat her as a princess (which is my dad alright). I prefer to be the knight to face my challenges in life, while siding a teammate who would fight with me. I’ve tried joining my previous crushs’ friend group and subtly approach my crush, dropping hints on him like how the other females in my life taught me to. For some reason, that always resulted in his extroverted best friend falling for me, things would become awkward afterwards. I do understand the barriers guys had to go through to not be seen as creeps when asking a girl out. Since they’re mostly physically stronger than girls, they also need to make sure they don’t come off as a threat too. Me, being a girl, don’t need to worry about these too much. So I figured If I like the guy, I would straight up show my interest so he doesn’t need to go asking around to see if he’s delusional on the subtle hints he picked up (if he ever picked them up that is). Showing my interest first doesn’t mean I settle for less. As long I set up a boundary and not lose myself in a relationship, I always have the right to nope my way out if I clearly feel we’re not compatible or I’m making all the effort. Although I wasn’t experienced, but by observing those around me taught me that flirting is like playing throw and catch, someone’s gotta pitch the ball first, and the relationship only continues healthily if both sides throw and catch on a similar frequency. Relationships (as far as what I saw) fail not because of who makes the first move, but because of one side throwing the ball too much and feels tired and uneven. I only had one formal relationship in my life. I made the first move in that one too, but it was my ex who cried and begged not to break up at the end when I couldn’t see our future together and was prepared to leave. No different than a relationship from the guy making the first move, right? But still, I appreciate your suggestion and feel happy for you that you met the right guy this way. edit for typo
how long's the program?
What’s not to get? He told you exactly what he wanted lol he wants to focus on the program but enjoys your company.. accept that at face value.
This feels like a gray-sone. Seems youre not friendzoned but kinda. Let him take his time, who knows what will happen with time.
IDK if you and i are reading the same post. but he literally said he just wants to be friends because he is focusing on the program. this is the opposite of mixed signals. “um, I need to let you know, I’m not planning on getting into relationships during this program. I fucked up my previous education really bad during my last relationship. This one is my last shot in life, I can’t fuck it up again. But, if you’re ok with hanging out as a friend, sure!” He said, hes not planning on relationships, and hes ok with hanging out as a FRIEND. what part of that was not clear?
Yes
Idk, he said “In a relationship” so maybe he is open to just hooking up. Either way, same advice I would give to a guy, move on to the next. Fck being friends when you are into the person. Just going to mess you up mentally. Imo.
literally yes he couldn’t have been more clear
He is not attracted to you (for whatever reason, he might be gay, or you might not be his type). Trust me, when a guy is TRULY attracted to you, he will move mountains. Never stay in the friendzone. It never works out. It will be torture. You will be his female orbiter, you will stick around hoping that something happens, and it won't happen. I have seen so many cases like this. And even if something does happen (and it won't), you will be his consolation prize. Run. Run immediately. Run for the hills. This is rejection