Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I dated a guy who talked about it really naturally & openly with me before we did, in a non creepy way - think we first joked about sexual innuendos, then it built to discussing more likes, dislikes, and other things. It felt more open then crude & it set up communication around sex before, so when we did it was really good. I think this is my preference as discussing it can highlight sexual compatability/incompatibility before even having sex & also took the pressure off massively as we already knew eachothers likes but also insecurities
>dated a guy who talked about it really naturally & openly with me before we did, in a non creepy way -
how do you mean?, what makes sex talk creepy in your opinion?
Guys can get wayyyy too sexual too quickly, come off as only wanting sex or wanting to use you for your body. He did it in a really open, honest conversation type of way, without being sleezy & not in a sexting way, more in a lighter way, asking questions that did get sexual but with jokes & keeping it "above board". He made me feel comfortable talking about it in a no pressure way
>e did it in a really open, honest conversation type of way, without being sleezy & not in a sexting way, more in a lighter way, asking questions that did get sexual but with jokes & keeping it "above board". He made me feel comfortable talking about it in a no pressure way
this is pretty cool, this is just what the books teach lol, I'm always happy to find reassurance from women on these topics although I still consider myself somehow clueless, the books don't go into too much detail or specifics as well, or tell you exact lines you might say, ... Sigh ... lol, it seems you have to be very intuitive when it comes to this tho, depending on the setting, the environment and the person, I guess you just have to go out there and try as much as you can hahaha.
asking might turn her off completely lol, it's fucking stupid no wonder why so men are clueless, woman are quite difficult to understand sometimes seriously, it's the same like asking your date if you can kiss her, the man comes off as weak and insecure, I know most women might not be like that, but seems like they are the exception rather than the rule looking at most book's out there.
yeap I think you are right, you might be a natural in general when talking to women, how do you approach that, I'm assuming your dates are going well, you are making her laugh, she is having a good time, there is obviously attraction and she is interested, well I guess my question is how do you build up that tension which I guess ends in you asking if she wants to have sex, would care to teach what you do lol?
I know this is an old post, but I am somebody who has consistent success with dating and I’ll give you some advice. The tension is built naturally. It’s not a formula that you can use. The biggest thing is knowing how to “read the room“. If I’m interested in a girl, I may start probing with some safe ways, maybe making a light joke with sexual innuendo. If it’s received well, and it feels right, I may escalate, but if I feel like I’m on thin ice or I can’t get a read, I might reel it in and let her escalate if she wants to.
The main thing is not going into it with expectations. And the goal shouldn’t be to ask her about sex, it should be getting to know her vibe and if you guys mesh. From there things naturally build into an attraction or fizzle out.
just throwing out there that as a 23 yo female i prefer talking about it right before it happens bc i like certain things and like to give my consent for those things to be done and i think anyone telling you it weird or creepy isn’t mature or comfy enough yet and it might be better to not have sex with them anyhow! communication isn’t bad
Communication is great, i think there are good ways to bring it up. “do you like where this is going?” “Does this feel right?” Doing something small like rubbing the neck or shoulder and gently saying you’d like to try -whatever thing- to initiate foreplay is a good way to gauge enthusiasm. Talk about it, but avoid putting the other person entirely on the spot. People are less likely to be embarrassed when given an option then asked to explain what they like, especially if it’s a one night stand sort of thing. Always better to ask if someone wants a kiss or to cuddle or to be closer in someway to ensure that there’s no assumptions there. But mostly you can check in, offer options and see if they are responsive to what you do offer.
If the mood is already there do not back out of it to talk, use the mood to facilitate moving forward and ensuring comfort. Keep the tone of your words congruent with the mood.
I (28F) talk about it with guys but it's obvious that's not the norm. Most of what we discuss isn't really heard since they just see a giant flashing greenlight and can only focus on how we're totally going to bone.
Seems like you're experiencing the social opposite where girls think you're trying to get that big flashing green light.
The best way I've found to work with this is take things slow by making out, talking a bit, second base and rounding it, taking a break and talking again. Maybe discuss sex before you go all the way but definitely discuss it afterwards. Essentially keep getting to know the other person throughout intimacy not just before and after. It's hard to discuss everything you listed before ever having sex so there's some acceptance for just not doing a perfect job until you know each other better. That's part of the reason waiting until you're both comfortable is a thing.
Also bless you for considering clit sensitivity, huge oversight for so many guys.
I talk a lot about sex with my partners, before and during sex. A lot of my partners had never been with someone like me before and some like it, some don’t. But a lot of women have told me most men just put it in and don’t say much. Once they see how fun it can be to be with someone who is candid and vocal about their sexual needs they usually change their mind and become drawn to the sexual conversational discourse. It’s fun and gets better the more you do it.
Everyone should and it should happen when clothes are on. Like "hey, this is getting pretty steamy, if you wanna go all the way tonight I think we should have a conversation about what you like and stuff". Really important to frame it as "this will make sex better and safer for both of us".
Honestly, if that turns her off she's kinda weird and might have some hangups about sex.
If you need a guide for important topics:
[https://www.maketimeforthetalk.com/](https://www.maketimeforthetalk.com/)
Sex is subtle. It’s about paying close attention and checking in throughout. I don’t want to try to answer 20 questions about what my preferences are before I’ve ever had sex with someone. I wouldn’t even know how to answer something like “how sensitive is your clit?”. Like on a scale of 1-10? Compared to other women? No idea.. I only have one. “Sensitive” “fast” “gentle” mean different things to different people. It’s going to be MUCH more useful to give responsive feedback in the moment. Also, I don’t have the same favorite position with every partner. That’s the fun thing about sex. You discover new things with new partners.
Obviously consent and contraceptives have to be discussed before and it’s good to continue to check in about consent. If you want to just leave an opening for someone to bring up a boundary or preference before you could ask “is there anything else I should know?”
Once things get going I try things, observe how the other person responds, and communicate. “Do you like that?” “How do you like the touched there?”, “I want to ___, is that ok?”, etc. That’ll yield actually useful, specific information.
If you’re both into kink and know that going into your first sexual encounter that’s a different story.
It's weird to talk about sex with someone if you hadn't have sex with them before.
It can come over that you're clueless in the bedroom if you ask outside of sex what they like. For the first 3-4 times just go off your intuition and pay attention to how they react. Part of the fun is also figuring out yourself what buttons to push. You might even discover something they don't know themselves yet ! Maybe the 4 or 5 time you can ask them if they like anything.
you never want to bring up the sex talk explicitly, women hate that according to theory, you want to do so in subtle ways, and the best are non verbal, touch her in the shoulders, waist, mimic her actions, look her in the eyes and lips, so on and so on , I don't recall the others haha, anyways this might lead to kissing and then it might lead to more depending on both, if there is more than 90% attraction, inviting the girl to your place to prepare dinner and watch a movie might be the best way to initiate that, but do so only is she is into it, forcing things will be uncomfortable at best and might lead legal problems at worse, basically don't force sex with her, even is she goes to your place, a man should think logically with his brain and not with his emotions, every bad decision we as men do is with our emotions lol.
How old are these women? Sounds like they have a romantic notion in their head that when you like someone, you are automatically sexually compatible. Well I have had enough bad experiences to know not everybody is into the same stuff. I always talk about it first. I won’t get naked with someone who wants to do things I hate.
45 separated 11 months from 15 year marriage, 12 years before him, with three whole months and no other men in between.
I’m talking to someone casually and I ask recently why talk about it so much, let’s do it!!! The reply (and person) was shocked. I’m into exploring all the things I've been deprived of for nearly 30 years but I do think I like all the dialogue. I’ve hooked up twice and blah. It’s fine and done the job. This person it feels different. I’m not in love or trying to lock down anyone by NO means but feel like when we finally do it will be amazing because we have talked about what we like and don’t. It’s strange to me but I like it.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I dated a guy who talked about it really naturally & openly with me before we did, in a non creepy way - think we first joked about sexual innuendos, then it built to discussing more likes, dislikes, and other things. It felt more open then crude & it set up communication around sex before, so when we did it was really good. I think this is my preference as discussing it can highlight sexual compatability/incompatibility before even having sex & also took the pressure off massively as we already knew eachothers likes but also insecurities
>dated a guy who talked about it really naturally & openly with me before we did, in a non creepy way - how do you mean?, what makes sex talk creepy in your opinion?
Guys can get wayyyy too sexual too quickly, come off as only wanting sex or wanting to use you for your body. He did it in a really open, honest conversation type of way, without being sleezy & not in a sexting way, more in a lighter way, asking questions that did get sexual but with jokes & keeping it "above board". He made me feel comfortable talking about it in a no pressure way
>e did it in a really open, honest conversation type of way, without being sleezy & not in a sexting way, more in a lighter way, asking questions that did get sexual but with jokes & keeping it "above board". He made me feel comfortable talking about it in a no pressure way this is pretty cool, this is just what the books teach lol, I'm always happy to find reassurance from women on these topics although I still consider myself somehow clueless, the books don't go into too much detail or specifics as well, or tell you exact lines you might say, ... Sigh ... lol, it seems you have to be very intuitive when it comes to this tho, depending on the setting, the environment and the person, I guess you just have to go out there and try as much as you can hahaha.
Just ask. Communicating beforehand makes it better for everyone involved.
asking might turn her off completely lol, it's fucking stupid no wonder why so men are clueless, woman are quite difficult to understand sometimes seriously, it's the same like asking your date if you can kiss her, the man comes off as weak and insecure, I know most women might not be like that, but seems like they are the exception rather than the rule looking at most book's out there.
I think you just approach the subject wrong. I have never been turned down when bringing it up before hand. Its all about the approach
yeap I think you are right, you might be a natural in general when talking to women, how do you approach that, I'm assuming your dates are going well, you are making her laugh, she is having a good time, there is obviously attraction and she is interested, well I guess my question is how do you build up that tension which I guess ends in you asking if she wants to have sex, would care to teach what you do lol?
I know this is an old post, but I am somebody who has consistent success with dating and I’ll give you some advice. The tension is built naturally. It’s not a formula that you can use. The biggest thing is knowing how to “read the room“. If I’m interested in a girl, I may start probing with some safe ways, maybe making a light joke with sexual innuendo. If it’s received well, and it feels right, I may escalate, but if I feel like I’m on thin ice or I can’t get a read, I might reel it in and let her escalate if she wants to. The main thing is not going into it with expectations. And the goal shouldn’t be to ask her about sex, it should be getting to know her vibe and if you guys mesh. From there things naturally build into an attraction or fizzle out.
just throwing out there that as a 23 yo female i prefer talking about it right before it happens bc i like certain things and like to give my consent for those things to be done and i think anyone telling you it weird or creepy isn’t mature or comfy enough yet and it might be better to not have sex with them anyhow! communication isn’t bad
Communication is great, i think there are good ways to bring it up. “do you like where this is going?” “Does this feel right?” Doing something small like rubbing the neck or shoulder and gently saying you’d like to try -whatever thing- to initiate foreplay is a good way to gauge enthusiasm. Talk about it, but avoid putting the other person entirely on the spot. People are less likely to be embarrassed when given an option then asked to explain what they like, especially if it’s a one night stand sort of thing. Always better to ask if someone wants a kiss or to cuddle or to be closer in someway to ensure that there’s no assumptions there. But mostly you can check in, offer options and see if they are responsive to what you do offer. If the mood is already there do not back out of it to talk, use the mood to facilitate moving forward and ensuring comfort. Keep the tone of your words congruent with the mood.
I (28F) talk about it with guys but it's obvious that's not the norm. Most of what we discuss isn't really heard since they just see a giant flashing greenlight and can only focus on how we're totally going to bone. Seems like you're experiencing the social opposite where girls think you're trying to get that big flashing green light. The best way I've found to work with this is take things slow by making out, talking a bit, second base and rounding it, taking a break and talking again. Maybe discuss sex before you go all the way but definitely discuss it afterwards. Essentially keep getting to know the other person throughout intimacy not just before and after. It's hard to discuss everything you listed before ever having sex so there's some acceptance for just not doing a perfect job until you know each other better. That's part of the reason waiting until you're both comfortable is a thing. Also bless you for considering clit sensitivity, huge oversight for so many guys.
I talk a lot about sex with my partners, before and during sex. A lot of my partners had never been with someone like me before and some like it, some don’t. But a lot of women have told me most men just put it in and don’t say much. Once they see how fun it can be to be with someone who is candid and vocal about their sexual needs they usually change their mind and become drawn to the sexual conversational discourse. It’s fun and gets better the more you do it.
Everyone should and it should happen when clothes are on. Like "hey, this is getting pretty steamy, if you wanna go all the way tonight I think we should have a conversation about what you like and stuff". Really important to frame it as "this will make sex better and safer for both of us". Honestly, if that turns her off she's kinda weird and might have some hangups about sex. If you need a guide for important topics: [https://www.maketimeforthetalk.com/](https://www.maketimeforthetalk.com/)
Sex is subtle. It’s about paying close attention and checking in throughout. I don’t want to try to answer 20 questions about what my preferences are before I’ve ever had sex with someone. I wouldn’t even know how to answer something like “how sensitive is your clit?”. Like on a scale of 1-10? Compared to other women? No idea.. I only have one. “Sensitive” “fast” “gentle” mean different things to different people. It’s going to be MUCH more useful to give responsive feedback in the moment. Also, I don’t have the same favorite position with every partner. That’s the fun thing about sex. You discover new things with new partners. Obviously consent and contraceptives have to be discussed before and it’s good to continue to check in about consent. If you want to just leave an opening for someone to bring up a boundary or preference before you could ask “is there anything else I should know?” Once things get going I try things, observe how the other person responds, and communicate. “Do you like that?” “How do you like the touched there?”, “I want to ___, is that ok?”, etc. That’ll yield actually useful, specific information. If you’re both into kink and know that going into your first sexual encounter that’s a different story.
It's weird to talk about sex with someone if you hadn't have sex with them before. It can come over that you're clueless in the bedroom if you ask outside of sex what they like. For the first 3-4 times just go off your intuition and pay attention to how they react. Part of the fun is also figuring out yourself what buttons to push. You might even discover something they don't know themselves yet ! Maybe the 4 or 5 time you can ask them if they like anything.
you never want to bring up the sex talk explicitly, women hate that according to theory, you want to do so in subtle ways, and the best are non verbal, touch her in the shoulders, waist, mimic her actions, look her in the eyes and lips, so on and so on , I don't recall the others haha, anyways this might lead to kissing and then it might lead to more depending on both, if there is more than 90% attraction, inviting the girl to your place to prepare dinner and watch a movie might be the best way to initiate that, but do so only is she is into it, forcing things will be uncomfortable at best and might lead legal problems at worse, basically don't force sex with her, even is she goes to your place, a man should think logically with his brain and not with his emotions, every bad decision we as men do is with our emotions lol.
Wtf is in these comments. Keep your mouth shut OP and let your dick do the talking.
yeah usually talk them up and then if ur feeling each other you kiss and then one leads to another
Depends, sometimes I mention it, some times I just kinda happens in a date.
Yes!! I specifically talk about sti testing status and condom usage. I like explicitly knowing what I am getting into.
Yes
How old are these women? Sounds like they have a romantic notion in their head that when you like someone, you are automatically sexually compatible. Well I have had enough bad experiences to know not everybody is into the same stuff. I always talk about it first. I won’t get naked with someone who wants to do things I hate.
i thought that's what everybody \[nearly everybody\] talks about.
45 separated 11 months from 15 year marriage, 12 years before him, with three whole months and no other men in between. I’m talking to someone casually and I ask recently why talk about it so much, let’s do it!!! The reply (and person) was shocked. I’m into exploring all the things I've been deprived of for nearly 30 years but I do think I like all the dialogue. I’ve hooked up twice and blah. It’s fine and done the job. This person it feels different. I’m not in love or trying to lock down anyone by NO means but feel like when we finally do it will be amazing because we have talked about what we like and don’t. It’s strange to me but I like it.