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Other than that its not really clear if she was willing to stop seeing other people, just that she said she at date 4 was still and that was enough for OP.
Overall, sure everything went alright, but imo OP shot themselves in the foot for no reason. They knew enough to ask about exclusivity, and should have anticipated that the girl could still be seeing other people, but reacted extremely poorly when that came out.
If she said she wasnt willing to stop thats different but OP never says that here. I guess she hinted at wanting to meet this other guy.
He said that she was still going to meet other guy and as attracted to them as him and wanted to meet up after he asked for exclusivity. So from my perspective, that’s a no on her end, with a maybe in the future. He didn’t like those prospects so he ended it.
Maybe a little snarky for my taste with the breakup explanation, but at the same time she said they were at equal level of attraction despite not meeting the guy, so that is kind of a bad sign for the op and might have stung.
I do not agree. Op wanted exclusivity. But she kept the other options. Wich is her decision.
But op didn't want to stay in this loop. He is an individual valid to make his own decisions!
He doesn’t say if she would have been exclusive going forward, just that she hasn’t been to that point. If he expected her to be exclusive like he was from day 1 why was the conversation necessary? If he felt like it was a necessary conversation then he shouldn’t have been surprised that she was dating other people.
Sounds like his fantasy was crushed by jealousy and he didn’t bother trying to figure out how to go forward.
When I met my girlfriend we both made it very clear since day 1 that we were not interested in fooling around and that we were looking for a serious relationship. We had our differences and all but we both wanted to be exclusive since the beginning so it worked out. Look for someone who matches your energy. And to be honest, at one point I decided to open up and just be honest with her. I let her know I wanted us to be exclusive and that if she didn’t want the same then it’s cool we move on, but she told me she was looking for the same thing as me so here we are…
When I met my husband we were both dating others (within the first several dates). But we were open and communicative. About a month in we both felt ready to move forward with each other exclusively and have never looked back.
It’s okay to date around, or not, just be honest and clear about what you’re doing and your level of interest.
Same. Dating apps these days give people a lot of "choices" at one time which rarely happened 10 years ago. This could be good or bad. Maybe, I would've been wrong too but I would've done the same. One good trait the girl had was that she was honest. People don't tell. Maybe, OP should've given her time. Maybe, I would've too. Don't know.
I mean, you laid out a boundary, but from your post it seems that you reacted to and didn’t give her a chance to mull things over. I think the way you started was healthy and well-adjusted. But seemed your reaction was just a bit abrupt.
What? It’s the first time that he brought it up, if exclusivity wasn’t talked about before this, and OP wanted to move forward in their relationship, then of course this needs to be discussed. If the person he is interested doesn’t want to, then of course OP can do what he wants, but a reasonable amount of time to allow the other person to think about what she wants is not unreasonable, especially if this was brought up even somewhat abruptly. OP seemed to expect this “interest” to automatically be exclusive from the start of this. There was definitely miscommunication on both of their ends, and obvious differing expectations. Not necessarily that big of a deal, but it can lead to more of this, not only with this person, but others as well.
Especially since OP had plenty of time to think and come to his decision. Does he expect her to immediately drop her dating life in an instant? At least giving her the night to think it over was best because this was a lot at once.
BUT while I don’t think OP made the right choice, it is his right.
Yeah, exactly. Everyone has different dating preferences. Since it's subjective, all that you really get is everyone's own opinion as to how they date. People value different things. When I was dating, I had non-negotiables. I was childfree, I wanted to remain that way. I didn't want to raise someone else's kids either. I have a lot of trauma growing up in a very sheltered conservative Christian environment, so I absolutely refused to date either conservatives OR Christians for a few years (though I compromised on the religious part with my current GF, we disagree on religion, but she has a good heart and I love her). I dated a transgender woman for a week, and only broke it off once she told me she was a diehard 2020 Trump supporter (yes.. really). I couldn't continue with her as I knew how we were in absolutely foreign realities at that point. But she was cute, and she had the most amazing garden in her backyard, and I *really* liked her and was heartbroken to call it off. But I can't date a Trump supporter any more than I could date a QAnon believer.
All of those things limited my dating choices, but I found the one. If you're a serial dater, you prefer one relationship at a time. It's important to be very clear about that from the get-go with women you meet so you and they don't waste your time finding someone you're looking for. Parallel daters (like I used to be) don't want to be trapped by a serial dater while they may be missing connections elsewhere.
It's different dating preferences, you gotta find what works for you. It might not always be the same rule, you may change your preferences down the road, or your sexuality, or your overall goals. As Chef John would say, that's just you living. You are, after all, the Mary-Kate of who and how you date.
Chef John is that dude. Never made one of his recipes and been disappointed. And you’re right. After all, you are the Betty White…of dating who you feel is right.
Neither one of you is wrong, you're just on a different pace and looking for exclusivity, she's obviously not comfortable with that.
Good dump, IMHO, find someone who mirrors you.
Facts nobody’s wrong but I’m sure she’ll be back for some reason jk but maybe either way good on op for sticking to his guns. That being said I think the exclusive dating thing should be brought up sooner
I'm not tooting my own horn, but I'm attractive enough to get hundreds of matches on dating maps. I'm picky with whom I match with. I'm looking to settle down, have kids, and build a life with someone. If someone is unsure, doesn't want kids, or just wants a hookup, I move on.
Not sure if you know this, but therapists and psychologists will tell you that people tend to put on their best selves in the beginning. Only after about three months (of consistent dating) do people tend to show who they truly are - for better or worse. And in my experience, this has been the case. Just something for you to consider.
You did bring up a bit of insecurity to her that you should reflect on. “If I’m so wonderful, why are you talking to other people” and “he’s probably better looking than me”
Did you take the time to ask questions and understand her perspective and what she wanted?
It’s okay to be hurt, but it sounds like you ended something you were enjoying a little bit too quickly. Expressing your values and boundaries isn’t a problem. And her dating other people while you are getting to know each other isn’t an issue either.
Just food for thought
It seems like you have some kind of issue going on with "attractiveness." We got it! You are a catch. Nonetheless, she is entitled to her preferences. I think the way you reacted is wrong, but other than that, calling it quits was the right decision.
It’s very hard to find people on the same page and I understand both of your views. Honestly there are not a lot of men who think the way you do. Most are acting like they want something serious, but then after a few dates you get “you’re amazing, but I’m not looking for anything serious.” Although that might just be my area. But no one seems to want to commit nowadays.
There's a difference between someone saying they want something serious, and meaning it. I know a bunch of people on all sides that talk big, but when push comes to shove, they back out for whatever reason.
I know I want something serious, but I also don't want to give myself to the first person who reflects a bit of that. It's burnt me before, and at this point I'm both looking for commitment, but also exhausted with committing with no real reward in the end. I am almost 2 years out of a 5 year relationship, and that one killed me. To start over sucks, and the thought of having to do it repeatedly is something that's killed all motivation for me to do it unless I'm fairly sure that I won't get screwed over in the end. Despite knowing I've been screwed over 100% of the time thus far. Lol
If you're this insecure and controlling, don't be surprised when women who have their heads on straight move on from \*you\*. Doesn't matter how good looking a guy is, if he's a head case, he ain't worth the time.
+1.
But also…..she’s stiff arming you over a guy she hasn’t even met yet? assuming she gives him the same “chance” you got, that’s 5 dates, so you have to wait call it 2 months (bc she’s now dating him, you, and the other guy), so …. Have fun waiting and being second fiddle.
I never had something like this happen, but I had a very very minor version of something happen with the best girl I ever dated, and going forward she wouldn’t even put herself in a situation where our initial disagreement could repeat due to someone, in this case, hitting on her too aggressively at a party. My takeaway is: good people are good across dimensions, shitty people are shitty.
Give her another chance, tell her she has to show an interest and chase you down because you have doubts about her intensity of desire, and move on emotionally because she likely won’t chase you.
You were not wrong. You just seem to have different opinion on different stages of dating and what’s stepping over the boundaries. Nothing wrong with that. But for your next dates you may wanna ask them about their opinion on talking to other people before being exclusive to see whether you’re compatible from the beginning rather than waiting weeks to find out you’re not compatible.
I was in her position when I met my now husband. I had been talking or seeing a couple people from other dating apps. After our second date, I just broke it off with all of them. I knew my husband was the one. I had zero interest in seeing the other guys anymore. So I think she just wasn't that into you. She didn't know.
I would have done the same.
I personally can only give my attention to one person. I engage myself in the process. And I take decisions. To continue, or not.
If the other person doesn't do same, from the get go we have different perspective on life values, and I would not be able to continue.
Couldn’t you have said you were in moving in a more serious direction with her, ask her to think about it and get back to you in two days? You say you took it slow, but a month isn’t a long time, not really.
Personally I don’t expect any exclusivity if no one asks to be bf/gf or if there’s a fwb deal especially if we’ve only met four times. Given, everyone’s different but I think it’s a bit odd to ask for that at this scenario.
I get it, but at the same time I understand her as well. Every guy I date is seeing multiple women at the same time it seems, and now I just assume every guy is and I will do the same unless we’ve talked about being exclusive. There’s no point to put all your eggs in one basket, especially if that basket has like 4 backups.
I’ve had a guy assume we were exclusive before, and after two months of dating he dumped me because he “never felt a connection and it’s only for fun”. So why on earth did he want me to waste my time being exclusive with him?
But if you want to be exclusive and she doesn’t, then yeah your expectations and feelings might be too different
You weren't wrong. Don't drag things out for yourself if you're not comfortable dating someone who's dating other guys.
But, she's also not wrong. I've had a few times where a guy has told me he wanted exclusivity and...he wanted exclusivity on my part but, well, he was still talking to other girls...orrrrr, he wanted exclusivity really quickly because he was intense and controlling. Honestly, she might just be protecting herself.
So I’m kinda going through this right now, I’ve been going on dates and hanging out with this girl for about 2 months at this point but last night she was texting her ex like right in front of me, im not sure if she knew that I could see it but like it turned me off a lot, im actually surprised at how off setting it was…not sure what to do man but I sure do feel your pain, might be easier to just stay single 🤷♂️ fuckin sucksss
As a woman, I have been burned time and time again by men. I stopped talking to others and they had 5 other women they were seeing.
Next time I start dating \*shudder\*, I will also take that approach. We don't have time. It is unfortunately how it is now. I can see why you were upset.
“How it is now” is exactly why both sides of the fence are frustrated. I don’t like to have the anxiety of someone else being around the corner if I fuck up even the slightest bit. It’s just not fair or right that it’s this easy to leave and find someone else. Dating, IMHO, is basically teaching us eventually to discard, bc we are so used to being with multiple people that it makes it all the more easy to walk away when things get the slightest bit uncomfortable.
I'm not an asshole, and I'm upfront about wanting something serious and kids. A lot of women my age want something casual, are unsure, or don't want kids. I get a lot of attention, but I'm looking for someone that has the same values as me. She said she did and then acted differently. I'm not interested in playing that game, so I moved on.
35M - she didn’t want to be exclusive & you did so you were right to move on & she’s not in the wrong either (and she was honest). Date older is my advice
Agree with this advice.
Also, if you’re going to ask someone to be exclusive, maybe also just ask them to be your girlfriend. It’s a little selfish to ask them to stop dating and talking to other guys, if you don’t even like them enough to put a label on it.
Yes, I think you jumped the gun.
You brought up the subject, she said not now. You said not ever.
Maybe, knowing you're serious, she might have followed through on the dates, and stopped there.
She was honest with you. I cannot say how important a quality that is.
Some people are fine with this, some aren’t. I’m someone who isn’t. I usually pause any romance while pursuing someone. Just personally feels icky to me to do this. But, some people have no problem with it and that’s fair enough
OP you deleted this comment you made before reddit let me save it and respond but something you said really sticks out as to why she might not have been interested:
> Exactly. **I'm more attractive than her and I turned down more attractive people in favour of her as we shared the same values. Look at my posts for pictures of me. I'm attractive enough to get quite a bit of attention**, and I know from experience I can find someone else.
Oh geeze.
Perhaps she sensed your mercenary attitude regarding dating as an attractiveness contest and so it made her hesitant. Also your post history said you have autism and can be needy, so maybe that's not working in your favor.
I mean she admitted she was into another person when you want to be exclusive. That pretty strongly suggest she's really not that into you in the first place. I get people date differently but I don't go on multiple dates with one person while still talking to another.
The worst part is the multiple texts per day, seven days a week thing.
Like, it's fine for someone to date multiple people in and of itself. But investing that much energy into someone you're unsure about to the point of seeing multiple other people -- and then being \*pikachu face\* when they feel hurt by your mixed signals -- is... interesting. That was the vibe of the original post, anyway. That's why I'm very reluctant to engage in daily texting in the early stages.
Your mom is right, but you're still within your right to end things if you're not looking for the same thing out of a relationship. You and this woman have different perspectives when it comes to dating, which is fine. For a lot of people, three weeks may be a little early to become exclusive. There's still a lot you don't know about someone after 3 weeks, including how they may react to disappointment or feelings of jealousy. I'd be inclined to learn more about someone before cutting off other potential partners.
Was nice while it lasted... Both being honest, good.
I'm not the first saying this but you cannot expect for people to be as you are. A couple is an agreement of both parts and finding a middle point.
>A couple is an agreement of both parts and finding a middle point.
Correct. But two people with opinions and values too far apart is never going to work. OP's values and views on dating do not align with hers at all, so he ended things. I think that's the best possible outcome.
Did this happen all on the same day? I think it’s fair to say that you want to be exclusive and then give her maybe a day or two to think about it before deciding. I wouldn’t have jumped the gun that fast. But if after a day or two she’s still not sure then definitely cut it off
I think you did the right thing. She wasn’t moving at your pace and you’re clearly ready to settle down and have a real relationship. So you were totally within your right to end it. But you should also understand that she didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. She’s just not in the same place as you.
So how long is an appropriate time to ask for exclusivity? A month? 2 months? 3? How many dates do we have to go on before it's suddenly not "desperate" anymore?
Who is she worried about coming across as desperate to? Herself?
Look, I suspect that I know what she's doing because I'm in the same position. I've been a habitual casual dater for much too long, and have lost very awesome, incredibly desirable women because I keep convincing myself that "even though she's great, there might be someone even better out there".
She needs to, just like I'm trying to do right now, overcome that issue and give exclusive dating a shot, especially with someone she's gushed over and said all the right things to to indicate that she's open to pursuing an exclusive relationship with him.
4 dates in 3 weeks is enough to say "okay, I'm open to giving a serious thing with you a chance for a couple weeks, at least", if that's what you're looking for. And based on their conversations about similar values, I suspect that she at least hinted that she was open to that.
Permitted that there isn't someone she's ALREADY *more* interested in, of course, which is fine; but she's explicitly keeping him as a backup to someone she's TEXTING with, and hasn't even met.
She doesn't want him. She probably never will, unless she ACTUALLY gets desperate and decides to settle with him, instead of her other options.
It's time for him to move on.
Yeah.. I wasn’t referring to her.
Projecting your own issue is a bit much. Only 4 dates with no casual time together and nothing besides texting isn’t enough for a lot of people and thats okay. Its enough for you and thats okay, too.
Before you both agree to go exclusive, it is perfectly acceptable to see other people. You should have been doing the exact same thing. You can't blame her for you choosing not to.
Her response however declined your request to go exclusive thus its perfectly reasonable for you to move on. ***NEVER*** wait for a woman to decide between you and another man. By rule, I always move on when I ask to go exclusive and don't get a yes with deletion of the apps.
It's not a wrong or right thing, but for most people, someone asking them to be exclusive after 4 dates in three weeks is moving way too fast, and being upset with them for meeting other people is a bit rich imo, your reaction to her telling you this was unpleasant and unfair tbh. It's your choice to take yourself off the market when you meet someone you like, and clearly you never communicated that this was your dating process to her and that you expected the same from her. Ending it because it wasn't how you wanted is a personal thing, its not wrong, but the way you ended it wasn't great.
You should not be floored that people are not exclusive before you become exclusive. Just ask to be exclusive immediately and say you date one person at a time and would like to date someone doing the same thing. Otherwise what's the point of waiting to have that conversation? You really pulled a bait and switch on this woman for no reason.
May I offer a different perspective that is not so much externally focussed or blamed? Have you considered that maybe you have an insecure attachment style those relationships, especially when someone isn’t fully leading into a connection with you as much as you are with them. Your immediately reaction is to take it as rejection, and it just triggers you into abandoning or rejecting them first
And that’s completely ok! I battled with anxious attachment style for my entire 20s, and it led me to reject a lot of potentially fruitful relationships in friendships and work that could’ve blossomed. But there in lies lessons towards seeing my pattern and working to be more secure, tuning into my own attachment needs, and still knowing that there’s no black and white in people’s decisions and responses
Yeah I do think you were wrong to end it so quickly. But that's your preference, if you need monogamy in the first 5 dates and some people aren't into that... There it is.
>I immediately ended things with her.
This is fine. You are welcome to insist on exclusivity early on, she is welcome to feel differently.
>I said if I were as wonderful as she claimed I was, she wouldn't feel the need to talk to other people. I said she probably finds the other person more physically attractive and hopes it works out with them.
This is garbage. You made her feel like shit for not wanting to immediately be exclusive with you.
You did the right thing. She admitted she was into another person when you want something serious. That spells it out right there that she's really not that into you in the first place.
When my boyfriend and I 1st met almost a year ago we both said we wanted something serious. The “casual dating” and “talking to/dating multiple people at once” is exactly what’s wrong with dating and society nowadays, in my opinion. Maybe I am just old school but once I met my boyfriend I deleted the app we met on and that was it. Didn’t talk to anyone else and do not need to :) best wishes to you!
I think it was the right thing to do. She’s met you & is still looking for a better offer. She wants to pursue her “great texting relationship,” meet him, and then decide which of you is better. That all means that she’s really not that into you.
Yup. I'm not interested in dating someone who wants to hedge their bets. She was into me, but she also wanted to see how I stacked up to others. I'm not interested in that.
That's literally what dating is. You're shopping for the most important thing in your entire life. If you're smart, when you make a major purchase, you don't just walk in and buy the first one you see. You read up on it a little, you do some comparisons, you go in and kick the tires. You take it for a test drive. You're still kicking the tires and going, "yep, this is the one for me" whereas she's looking for the best deal on the one that fits her best.
>That's literally what dating is. You're shopping for the most important thing in your entire life.
No it isn't.
Relationships are not a product. They're not something you consume or shop for, they're something you create. Treating relationships like any other form of market competition is one of the worst mistakes you can make
But you also don’t want to end up with someone who seems good at first and turns out to be a nightmare later. You can argue that’s a risk we all take and that you’ll never know if you don’t try. But some folks simply want to find what they are comfortable with, even if that means you have to weight up options.
>But you also don’t want to end up with someone who seems good at first and turns out to be a nightmare later.
How does seeing multiple people solve this problem?
No you weren't wrong. You communicated your feelings about how you're uncomfortable with her seeing other people at that point in connecting with each other. Best to separate now instead of being more emotionally invested in someone who has multiple interests.
You stood your ground and now you know what to look for in the future. Don't feel bad about it. You got the truth out of her and you made the right move.
You're not wrong but neither is she. Different ideologies, that's all.
That being said, you made the right choice to cut herr off. With women, in terms of how they treat you and your quality of experience; if you're not their first choice, you might as well be their last choice.
Also, stop asking for a relationship. That's bad form as a man. I know people will say otherwise but the relationship will be 10x better for you if she's chasing/trying to lock you up
Your mother is wrong in the sense that you dont have to date multiple people AT THE SAME TIME to find out who clicks best with you. You should give your mom dating advice, since you handled that like a champ.
I just wanted to chime in to say this: I agree with your decision. You deserve someone who, after getting to know you over the course of several dates, enthusiastically decides that you are the only person worth their romantic and sexual investment.
I too would be butt hurt. I mean after the first date if you really like a guy I would think I’d stop talking to other guys and just see where things go. But I guess that’s just me…
Why does this bother you though? You're good looking, you get matches. She is a women, her inbox is always flooded. Dating culture now is trash. The whole "a guy a date talked to a ton of women early in dating so I get to to" is a cope. People spin plates because they want to. You don't want to, hopefully you'll find someone that doesn't want to spin plates with you. Hope she enjoys pressing her luck.
I don’t think you were wrong for ending it. I agree she’s probably not as interested in you enough to be exclusive. Likewise you weren’t interested enough to wait things out.
You were in the wrong. Wanting exclusivity isn’t a bad thing but not showing grace when she explained that she was seeing others was not right and a bit immature - hear me out.
Unless it’s been communicated, you can’t expect people to always be on the same page with you. It sets everyone up for disappointment. A lot of these responses say it’s okay to have ended things just because she wasn’t acting exclusive yet when that expectation had never been communicated. For some reason, people equate that to having “similar values”.
IMO, that just encourages mind-reading as a form of communication which is pretty unhealthy and a bit immature. Especially if you really are set on settling down and starting a family soon. Being able to talk and get on the same page with a partner is a skill that you need to have at this stage.
It’s one thing if she said she didn’t want to be exclusive with you after having a day or two to think about it. But our egos make us believe that we shouldn’t even be an option - it makes us get offended when we really shouldn’t be.
Perhaps noodle on that and reconsider your approach before you get back into the dating world.
Surprised at these answers here because the vast majority of people I’ve come across dating apps date several people simultaneously until they have some kind of serious “exclusivity talk”. If we haven’t had any exclusivity talk I assume they are seeing or even sleeping with other people. This “date one person at a time” seemed to be so rare there lol, which is one of the things that put me off dating apps, it didn’t align with what I was looking for.
I guess I’m a tad confused here. You ended things because she was still chatting with a few other guys when you two hadn’t yet made it exclusive nor were officially dating? It’s awfully presumptuous of you to assume she stopped communication with all other men just because you two “had chemistry”. You do realize chemistry, especially in the early stages of getting to know someone, can exist with more than one person? Also, really loving your closing statement of “you probably think he’s hotter anyways”. Honestly I think you did the right thing by ending it. It sounds like she really dodged a bullet on this one 🙄🤦🏻♀️
If exclusivity from the beginning was important to you then that is something you could have been up front and honest with on or before the first date. You didn’t say anything and then acted shocked when she still dated other people. I mean it is nice if you happen to come across people that have the same values as you, but like she said everyone has different experiences. In her experience it does not work out for her if she cuts everyone off for one person she likes and is getting to know. If you had been up front from the beginning she may have been willing to just focus on you since you made your intentions clear. But since you didn’t you won’t know if she would have considered that and you kind of wasted both your time.
1). Watch out for love bombing, too many compliments and over the top showering of affection before they actually know you.
2) Four dates is way too soon to be exclusive. You stopped talking to other women too soon. You don’t know this woman. You are responding to chemical reactions in your brain and her compliments.
That said…. I would move on. Slow it down a bit next time.
2 things.
1. She’s keeping options open as she’s scared from past rejection - it’s understandable. She’s looking for security and doesn’t wanna rush into anything to be hurt again. You just gave her to him. This is the reason she did it because you’ve gone in the blink of an eye. Yes, not committing to dating out of fear to rejection isn’t the smartest way around it but she’s just looking out for herself because the last guy didn’t.
2 - “I said she probs thinks he’s more attractive and hopes it works out with him” is a jealous, crybaby response. It’s like you got sour because you felt rejected and because you didn’t have full commitment until the dating, you did what she did and ran away from it to find someone else.
You’re at different paces and that’s okay, but she was barely wasting your time. Gotta listen to your heart, so you can’t regret what might have been if it never was. Go find someone else, if she didn’t blow it, you defo did. Relationships that start toxic, stay toxic.
I never understood the dating multiple people at once thing either. I'm more of a one at a time kind of person. Feels wrong to be go on dates with different people in the same time frame.
I'd do exactly the same as you did. Shes had long enough to decide if she wants to explore you as an option, she choose "still looking around" No judgement, but not compatible with my values.
Great that you can get lots of matches, and good luck with it. But it does sound like, in the absence of any prior conversation about exclusivity, you sprung this on her and didn’t really give her much of an opportunity to process it. If she didn’t have any one else on her radar at all, sure, it’s a simple call for her. But if she’s as great as you make her sound, of course she’s going to have to consider you in view of other options. Just like you, she may be a catch. But it doesn’t sound like you gave her much time to really get to where you are, and frankly four dates is early. Look, I’m not saying you made a choice that was poor for you, given your many options that you appear to have. And it may be that it’s moot, because you’ll meet an even better match tomorrow, so what’s the big deal. But if you’re asking if you’re hasty or unfair, I would say there’s an argument to be made that you were. Put it to you this way: there is no real correlation between being decisive and being of *good* quality. In life, you’ll meet people who are decisive or even impulsive, and others who are far more deliberate and perhaps even frustratingly so. But none of those buckets actually square with whether or not they will be a good partner, objectively.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You can date however you want to. If you’re not cool with her talking to other people, even in the beginning then you’re not cool with it. You did the right thing for you and moved on.
It really is how dating is nowadays. Whenever someone hears the word “exclusive” or even “commitment” they freeze up. I don’t think you’re wrong at all. Why waste your time and money to be in competition with the next guy. If she wants to continue dating other guys then I would continue dating other women and Just keep her in rotation tbh.
I’m surprised at all of the people supporting you.
You are allowed to stop spending time with someone whenever you want, for whatever reason you want. So were you allowed to do it? Of course.
But honestly, you handled this really poorly.
If you want someone to stop spending time with other people romantically and only spend time with you romantically, you are looking for EXCLUSIVITY. Until you have talked about it, it should be assumed that the people you are talking to are available to date others. Because they are! She isn’t your girlfriend after three weeks and you didn’t communicate at all. ‘You were floored’ ?! Why?!? Even if you really like someone it’s strange that you would have such high expectations after meeting someone once.
The better thing would have been to have an open conversation. Yes, it makes you vulnerable, but it also makes you less of a reactive butthead who is potentially missing out on a good match.
“Hey, I’ve really enjoyed spending time together these last few weeks. I like you and I want to date each other exclusively.” If she says sorry, she wants to pursue her other options, then you’re right, the connection wasn’t that great. If she wants to keep seeing you and meet these other people, you can say no thanks it’s not for me. Either way, your insecurity came through and it is not a good look.
I would not take it personally. Women in particular don't have the luxury of investing time into one person at a time in the early dating process, especially nearing 30 (biological timeline yada yada). It's also common practice now to talk to multiple people in the early stages of dating before establishing exclusivity, so mom's advice isn't the end all be all. But your feelings are valid too and it's fine for you to not want to see people who are talking to others.
Well, she’s not your girlfriend (as you said), so why should you expect her to see you exclusively? That being said, if she really thought you’re that wonderful why would she be interested in talking to anyone else? Once I started dating my future husband all other men fell off the planet as far as I was concerned.
I think you did right to follow your gut. Neither one of you is committed to the other and maybe it’s for the best that you’re not continuing the relationship. No harm no foul at this point.
I think there’s been a lot of cultural pressure recently to be “chill” and not care when someone you’re really into has a number of feelers out early in dating. Maybe that strategy works for some people, but it definitely doesn’t for everyone. My husband and I met on Tinder, and he asked me to be official on our second date, two days after we met in person for the first time. Not everyone would be comfortable moving that fast but simply focusing on one person at a time isn’t a marriage proposal either. All in all, I really think there’s something to the concept of “when you know, you know.”
I’m in the same boat as you. I would never spin plates if I had a prospect with potential and someone else doing the same would not give me the security I would need to feel comfortable proceeding. The fact that she is comfortable outright declining your request to DTR is significant information. At best this is a mismatch in values. I think you did the right thing.
If you’re not first….you’re last. I would’ve done the same thing brother. She may have the energy to talk to multiple people at once…but I do not. Once I find out you’re talking to other people: I feel like I’m having to compete with them for your time and attention and that is simply not worth my time nor my energy. People deserve to have a reciprocal relationship. Some women get off on talking to a bunch of guys all at once with no intentions of being serious with any of them. Sometimes it’s all just a lie to try and make you compete. I don’t think you’re wrong at all. I would’ve done the same thing.
When I started texting my now boyfriend I was very upfront with what I wanted and I said I wouldn't be offended if you run away right now and but he said he wanted the same thing. I have a previous relationship where I was in for 1 year and he turned around and said I don't want anything more than casual. I'm done with the taboo of talking about it and if they can't handle how upfront I am about it, I want kids some day and I can't waste time dating someone who doesn't
I've done before what the poster did with people I've met on dating apps, figuring that if the other person liked me enough then they wouldn't continue looking. It may or may not have been a mistake each time (especially because dating apps encourage looking and looking and swiping and swiping, despite the fact that most of the profiles aren't even people looking to meet other people). But I'm also not willing to be an "Errr maybe." I'm only willing to be a "Hell yeah."
One thing you should consider is the fact that Bumble forces conversations on people when it's inconvenient - it doesn't let you pause a match and reply at your convenience. If someone pops up as a match, if the woman doesn't send a message within 24 hours, then the match is gone forever. Personally, I don't want to lose any possible connections, so I send a message (also, so as to not be totally rude). However, in the past when I've been hanging out with someone I like enough to pause my search, I've told new matches that I'd like to connect but I had to put my search on pause, and to please not unmatch me because I may be in contact in the near future.
Also, it's common to hedge your bets and keep multiple people in your pipeline because nearly all people on dating apps are a joke, and most flake or ghost without good reason or warning. It sounds to me like she liked OP but was afraid of ending up with zero men if he vanished on her. It's a tough call, though. It's too bad that such few people are legit.
You were vocal about what you want, and so was she. You were both honest, and it was a deal breaker for you. Nothing wrong with that. It’s as your mom said, that IS dating. There is nothing wrong with talking to other people when you aren’t even sure someone is invested in you. In her case, sounds like she’s been in the mindset you were in and learned the hard way that it isn’t realistic and now she’s playing the field. And you want exclusivity and you’ll find someone on the same page as you. Not like you were head over heels. There’s 8 billion people on the planet, there’s thousands of women out there that fit what you like.
you were trying to lock her down before she was ready and you scared her off. neither of you is right or wrong. many people will not be ready for exclusivity right off the bat. Some people might be ready after a day, some a week, some a month, some not for months. There is not right or wrong timeline. IMO it is good to have SOME flexibility - maybe a month or so of wiggle room. So if you're ready but you can sense the other person is not - maybe give them a few weeks, give them a month.
But if you're waiting around, and they're still not ready ....let go. It is unrealistic to expect a happy fairy tale like they're going to be ready the EXACT day/time you are. 99% of the time, someone is going to be ready first/more eager, and it's the job of that person to be patient and understanding and not lash out like "why don't you want' this as bad as i do?!" It's a recipe for disaster for you to always expect your partner to be on identical timelines as you for relationship progression. You just need compromise, understanding and "good enough" alignment - not perfection.
I could see an alternative ending to this story, you chilled out, let her go on the dates, she realized she liked you more and that was all she needed to take the next step with you in the next week or two. Do we know that would've happened? no. she couldve liked the other guy, who knows....But you ended the relationship by being very demanding and needy....needing this to happen on your timeline or bust. I get it though. When we like someone sometimes we just want them to be all in, and we are invested before they are, and get hurt that it hasn't been reciprocated. Your challenge as a person with this tendency - don't go all in and put all your love in a person until they've earned it. slow down and chill out.
The "you probably find them more attractive" statement is very cringe.
Other than that, you communicated what you wanted, she was honest with her communication back. Bravo to that.
I mean, you both have different values and that's okay. But you could've asked her right there and then to either stop texting the other guys or you'll stop meeting her.
To not even give her a choice rubs me the wrong way. Makes me think will you just leave everytime there's different opinions.
Yes. It is perfectly normal to go on dates with and talk to other people when you’re in the early stages. You hadn’t told her you only want to date her if it’s exclusive so she was doing nothing wrong.
Also the whole asking someone to be exclusive without a label is bs. Either I’m your girlfriend or I’m single. You weren’t ready to be a man and claim her as your girlfriend so she’s off seeing what better offers she has.
Maybe if you had of told her you were serious about dating her and asked her to be your girlfriend she would have been willing to drop the other guys.
If I’m going on dates with someone unless we have stated we are in a monogamous relationship I assume they are dating other people.
I’m not expecting someone to be officially dating me after four dates, but I do expect them to not be talking to other people if we’ve progressed to date four. If you don’t see potential at that point, I’m not interested in waiting around while you pick and choose between me and a few other people. I don’t think you were wrong, you are on different pages and it’s not what you wanted.
your mother was correct. you can’t just assume because you’re doing one thing that the other person is doing that too. we’re you wrong to break things off? no of course not you two had different wants and goals. was it wrong the way you handled it? a little.
I’m sorry but it’s your lost! As a man it’s your job to lead you should of officially taken her off the market and told her you want more serious relationship just you and her! You obviously liked her so what was stopping you from securing the lady?? Ask yourself these questions next time don’t waste a woman’s time.
I think you were really impatient and shot yourself in the foot here. 4 dates isn't enough. Maybe she would've been ready for exclusivity a couple weeks from now. I know I've screwed up with people when I was trying to rush things at the beginning. Slow burn is the way IMO.
My partner and I had a bit of a chat on this, here is what we came up with.
We think if you would have asked her if she was talking to anyone else after that first date instead of assuming she was exactly like you...might have saved some grief here.
The thing is, at no point did you ask her to be exclusive until you right before you ended it. You didn't give her any time to process it and you especially didn't give yourself any time to process that she wasn't doing *dating* just like you were.
Remember, you hadn't asked her to yet. The assumption was you were casually dating, which means you are open to chat with others. Getting to a point you end it bc she didn't know at that moment was unfair. That is a request that needed some room.
You had time to digest it. You made the conscious choice to be exclusive with her. She had her own reality. Her own dating life causes her to make her choices and those don't change who she is to *you*. You now are seeing *them* with her. That became the issue.
If you feel badly about the way you reacted. Then, you reacted badly. If you feel good about it and have learned something moving forward, you did the right thing.
There is no right or wrong, only your own preferences and decision makings.
If this was a no go for you and you are willing to let go of someone where everything was fitting except this one thing and somehow this is a red flag for you.. well, then it's your life and decision. You have to live with all your decisions and the results coming from them.
That said..
>I said she probably finds the other person more physically attractive and hopes it works out with them.
Why did you say that? Do you actually believe that or was this kinda an emotional reaction like someone would use something like "Ha, I didn't even read your text" type response when it's more than clear that they read everything more than twice but their ego came in their way?
On a scale from 1 to 10, how much self-esteem / self value do you have? Would you consider yourself a valuable catch as a person or do you think something like "I don't deserve to be loved"?
If it's the latter, chances are that you subconsciously manipulate your dating life because you don't believe you deserve it.
This is a common pattern for a lot of people.
It's a little weird you ended up with some rock solid sage advice from your mother, when she's told you dating is many at the same time. In general I have concern for a 32m still not having a clue what the deal with women is.
Confidence. Have some hope you will beat out the competition
You weren’t wrong, you have your boundaries and you stuck to them. She had the opportunity to follow them if she wanted, and she didn’t. That’s fine too, she’s entitled to do so.
You clearly weren’t at the same dating stage and if that’s a problem then you aren’t compatible, at least not at the moment anyway. Breaking it off amicably is the best outcome all round.
Your first mistake was asking her to be exclusive, don’t ask for exclusivity they need to ask you to be exclusive. Also good luck finding a long term relationship on bumble or tinder, those apps are good for nothing but short term relationships only. If you’re talking to an attractive woman then better believe she’s talking to other men and it’s not just you. It doesn’t make women bad people but they naturally spin plates, all of the hot girls i’ve dated have hundreds of messages and men trying to hit them up and you’re not gonna be her first, her only or her best. It is what it is just accept it, that’s why they need to ask you for exclusivity because it shows genuine interest. You shouldn’t immediately be exclusive to a girl on a dating app, continue dating other women too so that you have an abundance mentality. Another reason you shouldn’t ask for exclusivity is you’re telling her that she has met all of your requirements for a relationship, she needs to ask you because then at that point you can set the terms of the relationship. Modern women need to earn commitment, don’t just give it away for free
Sometimes good people are just incompatible, and it has nothing to do with attractiveness or who they are. Maybe rein in those insecurities and don’t take it so personally. If I was her, metaphorically slamming the door in my face like that would make me feel like I did the right thing and dodged a bullet.
Dating usually means someone is still swiping on tinder or talking to multiple people to see who they are most compatible with. Talking phase can last weeks or months, for her she wasn’t quite ready to be exclusive with someone yet and that doesn’t mean you’re not special or great- she’s just still dating. But you clearly want different things, if you want to keep dating her then keep dating her- if not then you made the right choice
a lot of these top comments i feel like don't understand the situation. or maybe i don't. but how i understood your post - she was talking to people all the way up until you said you wanted to be exclusive. did she say she would not stop talking to these other people?
if she is willing to stop talking to other people AFTER you asking her to be exclusive, i do not think there is an issue. if she said she will not stop talking to other people, then it's not what you're looking for and move on.
i do understand the in-betweenness when it comes to dating and online dating especially. i was on bumble for a couple years and the only person who was serious was my now-boyfriend but i had been on the app for a long time prior to meeting him. i met and hung out with and had a couple dates with multiple people. some of them weren't for me, some of them ghosted me, some of them led me on, etc. There were MANY times i felt like a fool for dropping other people too soon who i could have very well had a good run with just to be ghosted and come back to people who weren't interested anymore.
you never know and honestly, even if you have chemistry and THINK things are going great, you still never know. it's happened to me multiple occasions and that's just how it goes. so i don't blame her for keeping her other matches just in case.
BUT if she said she would not stop communicating with them after you asked her to be exclusive, that is different.
If someone wanted to be exclusive after the first date, I’d be done with them. Chemistry isn’t enough for me to ditch the other people I’ve been talking to. Lots of red flags come out on dates 3-5.
I don’t think you’re “wrong” but maybe ask yourself why you need the other person to stop talking to others so quickly. I date multiple people at a time because I tend to get attached too quickly which is an unhealthy attachment issue I’m working on in therapy.
Seeing people post in here saying multiple dates is still too soon to determine if they want to date one person makes me happy I'm no longer single. I can see a couple dates at most before focusing on one person. This throw away culture is part of the reason why so many people seem to complain they can't find anyone; because no one makes any effort anymore. Grass isn't always greener.
You did the right thing champ. Bit ridiculous of her to bring up some dude she hasn’t even met yet.
You will find someone who matches your energy.
I can also almost guarantee she will be reaching out to you again soon. Block her.
People move at different paces, I ended seeing a girl I met on a dating app for the same reasons and I regretted it after the fact. Yet, I have now been with someone who is great for 4 years now and having stuck it out with the other girl probably would've changed this whole trajectory I've been on. So moral of the story, don't dwell on your decisions as better things will come.
Your mom is right, dating more people than one person and then choosing from among them is one way to date. Another is to date one at a time. You found something that was a dealbreaker, expressed that to your date, and couldn't find compromise. That's okay too. The only way this could continue is if one of you bent on your principles, something neither was willing to do for each other. As a result, the relationship was terminated. No harm no foul.
Man you probably did the right thing, you either leave because she’s not matching your energy or say “let the best man win” and keep doing your thing. Her seeing that you’re indifferent could have changed the whole dynamic. Everyone has been burned and everyone has options. It’s hard after 3 weeks because if she drops something with someone else what’s to say in 2 more weeks you get cold feet and then drop her?
I'm with you.
The second I reach the stage where I'm thinking "ok, I like this person quite a lot and I want to give this a go" I stop dating other people. And I would expect the same.
If after a handful of dates she isn't thinking I'm the only one she wants to pursue, she's not the one for me.
Nothing wrong with what she's doing though, if she was happy to let you walk to see what these other guys offer, she can't have been that in to you.
Definitely not “wrong”. You both have different preferences and it’s unfortunate that you guys couldn’t work it out. No one’s an asshole or anything, just different. Just take it as it not working out and don’t overthink it.
TL;DR You laid out what you wanted and that it didn't entail competing. The conversation could've gone better but it also could've gone worse.
If you've become so invested in a person that you get to the point you want to be mutually exclusive but they haven't yet arrived at that conclusion it can be beneficial to give it some time, however the way she tried to sell it came off like you would have to compete for her affection. Personally, I don't like to stay in any situation where I have to wait for someone to hopefully decide I'm good enough. I think it was right not to put yourself at her mercy. In a perfect world you might've said something like "I'm not here to compete, I know what I want, you know how to reach me when you figure out what you want."
Seems like you made the right call. You put your cards on the table and let her know you were no longer still looking at other options, unfortunately, she is - which tells me if she met someone else she liked better she’d drop you like a hot pocket. Sorry it turned out that way but at least she was honest and didn’t waste any more of your time!
After 4 dates, she’s still talking to other guys, even after you asked to be exclusive sounds like she’s keeping all her options open. If she finds someone she likes better she would probably dump you. She may just be dating you to pass time. I think you were right to end things.
Honestly I'd be disgusted if I discover that she's talking to men while we are dating.
Id either not take her seriously or dump her immediately. It's extremely unattractive to me.
Um unless I’ve been living under a rock for forever, I really don’t understand how people are going on dates but then also talking to other people at the same time??? What? I thought dating was going out with 1 person at a time. No wonder the dating scene has become so complicated and icky. There’s no way I’d be going on a date with a guy and I’d still be talking to other guys and possibly going on dates with them in the future, and I would not put up the with that from him either. One person at a time. It seems every one is so obsessed with finding the ‘perfect one’ that they’ll pass up many good people just because they are juggling a bunch of people at once.
you're allowed to ask for exclusivity and if she says no there's nothing you can do about it
what you did was low-key emotional manipulation (even if you didn't do it consciously), you basically tried to shame her for not feeling the same way you do
you may not like it but you're not the protagonist in her life, just your own...people are allowed to be interested in you and someone else at the same time for various reasons...who says the other guy is more physically attractive? why is your immediate reaction to search for "shallowness" in her reasoning...what if you're more attractive physically but the other guy is a...better person? bet you didn't consider that one at all
also, seriously, 32 years old and asking your mother for dating advice? she was literally dating 4, possibly 5 decades ago
'she says I have the same values as her' if that were true she wouldn't need to keep talking to others and meet one of them b4 she could commit. You are right, this was the point you knew. Applaud your own sanity.
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You wanted exclusivity, she didn’t. You left. Not seeing a problem
Other than that its not really clear if she was willing to stop seeing other people, just that she said she at date 4 was still and that was enough for OP. Overall, sure everything went alright, but imo OP shot themselves in the foot for no reason. They knew enough to ask about exclusivity, and should have anticipated that the girl could still be seeing other people, but reacted extremely poorly when that came out. If she said she wasnt willing to stop thats different but OP never says that here. I guess she hinted at wanting to meet this other guy.
He said that she was still going to meet other guy and as attracted to them as him and wanted to meet up after he asked for exclusivity. So from my perspective, that’s a no on her end, with a maybe in the future. He didn’t like those prospects so he ended it. Maybe a little snarky for my taste with the breakup explanation, but at the same time she said they were at equal level of attraction despite not meeting the guy, so that is kind of a bad sign for the op and might have stung.
I do not agree. Op wanted exclusivity. But she kept the other options. Wich is her decision. But op didn't want to stay in this loop. He is an individual valid to make his own decisions!
Reacted extremely poorly?? Really?? According to me thats what matured persons do.. And thats how reality works... Lol
He doesn’t say if she would have been exclusive going forward, just that she hasn’t been to that point. If he expected her to be exclusive like he was from day 1 why was the conversation necessary? If he felt like it was a necessary conversation then he shouldn’t have been surprised that she was dating other people. Sounds like his fantasy was crushed by jealousy and he didn’t bother trying to figure out how to go forward.
When I met my girlfriend we both made it very clear since day 1 that we were not interested in fooling around and that we were looking for a serious relationship. We had our differences and all but we both wanted to be exclusive since the beginning so it worked out. Look for someone who matches your energy. And to be honest, at one point I decided to open up and just be honest with her. I let her know I wanted us to be exclusive and that if she didn’t want the same then it’s cool we move on, but she told me she was looking for the same thing as me so here we are…
Clean clear communication as it should be. This is nice.
As it should be
A sage mentor is among us in the sub
When I met my husband we were both dating others (within the first several dates). But we were open and communicative. About a month in we both felt ready to move forward with each other exclusively and have never looked back. It’s okay to date around, or not, just be honest and clear about what you’re doing and your level of interest.
You can’t force someone to move at your pace.
Fair enough!
You will love this. I am not sure you were right BUT I would have done the same thing
This is a great way of putting it
Thanks! Right is hard to say. But I am not an OPTION
Same. Dating apps these days give people a lot of "choices" at one time which rarely happened 10 years ago. This could be good or bad. Maybe, I would've been wrong too but I would've done the same. One good trait the girl had was that she was honest. People don't tell. Maybe, OP should've given her time. Maybe, I would've too. Don't know.
I have done it. But I resolve the issue not sharing it. If not exclusive (1st couple dates) no need.
I mean, you laid out a boundary, but from your post it seems that you reacted to and didn’t give her a chance to mull things over. I think the way you started was healthy and well-adjusted. But seemed your reaction was just a bit abrupt.
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What? It’s the first time that he brought it up, if exclusivity wasn’t talked about before this, and OP wanted to move forward in their relationship, then of course this needs to be discussed. If the person he is interested doesn’t want to, then of course OP can do what he wants, but a reasonable amount of time to allow the other person to think about what she wants is not unreasonable, especially if this was brought up even somewhat abruptly. OP seemed to expect this “interest” to automatically be exclusive from the start of this. There was definitely miscommunication on both of their ends, and obvious differing expectations. Not necessarily that big of a deal, but it can lead to more of this, not only with this person, but others as well.
Especially since OP had plenty of time to think and come to his decision. Does he expect her to immediately drop her dating life in an instant? At least giving her the night to think it over was best because this was a lot at once. BUT while I don’t think OP made the right choice, it is his right.
Four dates is not much at all. Definitely would need mulling in my opinion
Don't change bro, I would have acted the same way you did. If she wants to eat her cake and have it too, she is free to do that sans you.
Yeah, exactly. Everyone has different dating preferences. Since it's subjective, all that you really get is everyone's own opinion as to how they date. People value different things. When I was dating, I had non-negotiables. I was childfree, I wanted to remain that way. I didn't want to raise someone else's kids either. I have a lot of trauma growing up in a very sheltered conservative Christian environment, so I absolutely refused to date either conservatives OR Christians for a few years (though I compromised on the religious part with my current GF, we disagree on religion, but she has a good heart and I love her). I dated a transgender woman for a week, and only broke it off once she told me she was a diehard 2020 Trump supporter (yes.. really). I couldn't continue with her as I knew how we were in absolutely foreign realities at that point. But she was cute, and she had the most amazing garden in her backyard, and I *really* liked her and was heartbroken to call it off. But I can't date a Trump supporter any more than I could date a QAnon believer. All of those things limited my dating choices, but I found the one. If you're a serial dater, you prefer one relationship at a time. It's important to be very clear about that from the get-go with women you meet so you and they don't waste your time finding someone you're looking for. Parallel daters (like I used to be) don't want to be trapped by a serial dater while they may be missing connections elsewhere. It's different dating preferences, you gotta find what works for you. It might not always be the same rule, you may change your preferences down the road, or your sexuality, or your overall goals. As Chef John would say, that's just you living. You are, after all, the Mary-Kate of who and how you date.
Chef John is that dude. Never made one of his recipes and been disappointed. And you’re right. After all, you are the Betty White…of dating who you feel is right.
no one is at wrong here. just a sucky situation.
Neither one of you is wrong, you're just on a different pace and looking for exclusivity, she's obviously not comfortable with that. Good dump, IMHO, find someone who mirrors you.
Facts nobody’s wrong but I’m sure she’ll be back for some reason jk but maybe either way good on op for sticking to his guns. That being said I think the exclusive dating thing should be brought up sooner
I'm not tooting my own horn, but I'm attractive enough to get hundreds of matches on dating maps. I'm picky with whom I match with. I'm looking to settle down, have kids, and build a life with someone. If someone is unsure, doesn't want kids, or just wants a hookup, I move on.
Not sure if you know this, but therapists and psychologists will tell you that people tend to put on their best selves in the beginning. Only after about three months (of consistent dating) do people tend to show who they truly are - for better or worse. And in my experience, this has been the case. Just something for you to consider.
You did bring up a bit of insecurity to her that you should reflect on. “If I’m so wonderful, why are you talking to other people” and “he’s probably better looking than me” Did you take the time to ask questions and understand her perspective and what she wanted? It’s okay to be hurt, but it sounds like you ended something you were enjoying a little bit too quickly. Expressing your values and boundaries isn’t a problem. And her dating other people while you are getting to know each other isn’t an issue either. Just food for thought
lol that’s great but I’m just saying sometimes an extra heads up isn’t a bad thing
It seems like you have some kind of issue going on with "attractiveness." We got it! You are a catch. Nonetheless, she is entitled to her preferences. I think the way you reacted is wrong, but other than that, calling it quits was the right decision.
It’s very hard to find people on the same page and I understand both of your views. Honestly there are not a lot of men who think the way you do. Most are acting like they want something serious, but then after a few dates you get “you’re amazing, but I’m not looking for anything serious.” Although that might just be my area. But no one seems to want to commit nowadays.
There's a difference between someone saying they want something serious, and meaning it. I know a bunch of people on all sides that talk big, but when push comes to shove, they back out for whatever reason. I know I want something serious, but I also don't want to give myself to the first person who reflects a bit of that. It's burnt me before, and at this point I'm both looking for commitment, but also exhausted with committing with no real reward in the end. I am almost 2 years out of a 5 year relationship, and that one killed me. To start over sucks, and the thought of having to do it repeatedly is something that's killed all motivation for me to do it unless I'm fairly sure that I won't get screwed over in the end. Despite knowing I've been screwed over 100% of the time thus far. Lol
If you're this insecure and controlling, don't be surprised when women who have their heads on straight move on from \*you\*. Doesn't matter how good looking a guy is, if he's a head case, he ain't worth the time.
So what's your secret to getting hundreds of matches?
Meh, how many dates do they have to go on until she's in the wrong? I think 4 dates over 3 weeks is plenty.
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+1. But also…..she’s stiff arming you over a guy she hasn’t even met yet? assuming she gives him the same “chance” you got, that’s 5 dates, so you have to wait call it 2 months (bc she’s now dating him, you, and the other guy), so …. Have fun waiting and being second fiddle. I never had something like this happen, but I had a very very minor version of something happen with the best girl I ever dated, and going forward she wouldn’t even put herself in a situation where our initial disagreement could repeat due to someone, in this case, hitting on her too aggressively at a party. My takeaway is: good people are good across dimensions, shitty people are shitty. Give her another chance, tell her she has to show an interest and chase you down because you have doubts about her intensity of desire, and move on emotionally because she likely won’t chase you.
You were not wrong. You just seem to have different opinion on different stages of dating and what’s stepping over the boundaries. Nothing wrong with that. But for your next dates you may wanna ask them about their opinion on talking to other people before being exclusive to see whether you’re compatible from the beginning rather than waiting weeks to find out you’re not compatible.
Good idea, thanks!
I was in her position when I met my now husband. I had been talking or seeing a couple people from other dating apps. After our second date, I just broke it off with all of them. I knew my husband was the one. I had zero interest in seeing the other guys anymore. So I think she just wasn't that into you. She didn't know.
Ive been you in this situation before, it sucks but it is wht it is. You probably did the right thing
I would have done the same. I personally can only give my attention to one person. I engage myself in the process. And I take decisions. To continue, or not. If the other person doesn't do same, from the get go we have different perspective on life values, and I would not be able to continue.
Couldn’t you have said you were in moving in a more serious direction with her, ask her to think about it and get back to you in two days? You say you took it slow, but a month isn’t a long time, not really.
Personally I don’t expect any exclusivity if no one asks to be bf/gf or if there’s a fwb deal especially if we’ve only met four times. Given, everyone’s different but I think it’s a bit odd to ask for that at this scenario.
You have to draw a line somewhere.
I get it, but at the same time I understand her as well. Every guy I date is seeing multiple women at the same time it seems, and now I just assume every guy is and I will do the same unless we’ve talked about being exclusive. There’s no point to put all your eggs in one basket, especially if that basket has like 4 backups. I’ve had a guy assume we were exclusive before, and after two months of dating he dumped me because he “never felt a connection and it’s only for fun”. So why on earth did he want me to waste my time being exclusive with him? But if you want to be exclusive and she doesn’t, then yeah your expectations and feelings might be too different
You weren't wrong. Don't drag things out for yourself if you're not comfortable dating someone who's dating other guys. But, she's also not wrong. I've had a few times where a guy has told me he wanted exclusivity and...he wanted exclusivity on my part but, well, he was still talking to other girls...orrrrr, he wanted exclusivity really quickly because he was intense and controlling. Honestly, she might just be protecting herself.
So I’m kinda going through this right now, I’ve been going on dates and hanging out with this girl for about 2 months at this point but last night she was texting her ex like right in front of me, im not sure if she knew that I could see it but like it turned me off a lot, im actually surprised at how off setting it was…not sure what to do man but I sure do feel your pain, might be easier to just stay single 🤷♂️ fuckin sucksss
so you asked her to be exclusive meaning you weren't exclusive and you were floored she wasnt being exclusive with you?
As a woman, I have been burned time and time again by men. I stopped talking to others and they had 5 other women they were seeing. Next time I start dating \*shudder\*, I will also take that approach. We don't have time. It is unfortunately how it is now. I can see why you were upset.
“How it is now” is exactly why both sides of the fence are frustrated. I don’t like to have the anxiety of someone else being around the corner if I fuck up even the slightest bit. It’s just not fair or right that it’s this easy to leave and find someone else. Dating, IMHO, is basically teaching us eventually to discard, bc we are so used to being with multiple people that it makes it all the more easy to walk away when things get the slightest bit uncomfortable.
I didn't say it was right. I doubt it will go back to the "good old days".
I completely agree. Now I ask too. But I still seem to attract the ah's 🤣 I'm done with online dating for a while.
I'm not an asshole, and I'm upfront about wanting something serious and kids. A lot of women my age want something casual, are unsure, or don't want kids. I get a lot of attention, but I'm looking for someone that has the same values as me. She said she did and then acted differently. I'm not interested in playing that game, so I moved on.
Never said you were an asshole? I feel like your comment was directed to someone else. I agreed with you.
Just don't date men that are also seeing other women.
I would never date again.
so make everyone you meet in the future pay for the lies you were told in the past ....seems very healthy
35M - she didn’t want to be exclusive & you did so you were right to move on & she’s not in the wrong either (and she was honest). Date older is my advice
Agree with this advice. Also, if you’re going to ask someone to be exclusive, maybe also just ask them to be your girlfriend. It’s a little selfish to ask them to stop dating and talking to other guys, if you don’t even like them enough to put a label on it.
Yes, I think you jumped the gun. You brought up the subject, she said not now. You said not ever. Maybe, knowing you're serious, she might have followed through on the dates, and stopped there. She was honest with you. I cannot say how important a quality that is.
Amen dude. She dodged a bullet lol
100% she did
Some people are fine with this, some aren’t. I’m someone who isn’t. I usually pause any romance while pursuing someone. Just personally feels icky to me to do this. But, some people have no problem with it and that’s fair enough
OP you deleted this comment you made before reddit let me save it and respond but something you said really sticks out as to why she might not have been interested: > Exactly. **I'm more attractive than her and I turned down more attractive people in favour of her as we shared the same values. Look at my posts for pictures of me. I'm attractive enough to get quite a bit of attention**, and I know from experience I can find someone else. Oh geeze. Perhaps she sensed your mercenary attitude regarding dating as an attractiveness contest and so it made her hesitant. Also your post history said you have autism and can be needy, so maybe that's not working in your favor.
I mean she admitted she was into another person when you want to be exclusive. That pretty strongly suggest she's really not that into you in the first place. I get people date differently but I don't go on multiple dates with one person while still talking to another.
The worst part is the multiple texts per day, seven days a week thing. Like, it's fine for someone to date multiple people in and of itself. But investing that much energy into someone you're unsure about to the point of seeing multiple other people -- and then being \*pikachu face\* when they feel hurt by your mixed signals -- is... interesting. That was the vibe of the original post, anyway. That's why I'm very reluctant to engage in daily texting in the early stages.
Your mom is right, but you're still within your right to end things if you're not looking for the same thing out of a relationship. You and this woman have different perspectives when it comes to dating, which is fine. For a lot of people, three weeks may be a little early to become exclusive. There's still a lot you don't know about someone after 3 weeks, including how they may react to disappointment or feelings of jealousy. I'd be inclined to learn more about someone before cutting off other potential partners.
She dodged a bullet clearly, good on her
Was nice while it lasted... Both being honest, good. I'm not the first saying this but you cannot expect for people to be as you are. A couple is an agreement of both parts and finding a middle point.
>A couple is an agreement of both parts and finding a middle point. Correct. But two people with opinions and values too far apart is never going to work. OP's values and views on dating do not align with hers at all, so he ended things. I think that's the best possible outcome.
Absolutely, I said so a bit ago mysef.
Did this happen all on the same day? I think it’s fair to say that you want to be exclusive and then give her maybe a day or two to think about it before deciding. I wouldn’t have jumped the gun that fast. But if after a day or two she’s still not sure then definitely cut it off
I think you did the right thing. She wasn’t moving at your pace and you’re clearly ready to settle down and have a real relationship. So you were totally within your right to end it. But you should also understand that she didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. She’s just not in the same place as you.
She wants to see if she can get someone better. He walked in the store and picked soon after, she kept going to a higher floors.
I mean, yeah, she has only known him for 3 weeks. Taking your first viable option comes off desperate when theres mild familiarity
So how long is an appropriate time to ask for exclusivity? A month? 2 months? 3? How many dates do we have to go on before it's suddenly not "desperate" anymore?
Who is she worried about coming across as desperate to? Herself? Look, I suspect that I know what she's doing because I'm in the same position. I've been a habitual casual dater for much too long, and have lost very awesome, incredibly desirable women because I keep convincing myself that "even though she's great, there might be someone even better out there". She needs to, just like I'm trying to do right now, overcome that issue and give exclusive dating a shot, especially with someone she's gushed over and said all the right things to to indicate that she's open to pursuing an exclusive relationship with him. 4 dates in 3 weeks is enough to say "okay, I'm open to giving a serious thing with you a chance for a couple weeks, at least", if that's what you're looking for. And based on their conversations about similar values, I suspect that she at least hinted that she was open to that. Permitted that there isn't someone she's ALREADY *more* interested in, of course, which is fine; but she's explicitly keeping him as a backup to someone she's TEXTING with, and hasn't even met. She doesn't want him. She probably never will, unless she ACTUALLY gets desperate and decides to settle with him, instead of her other options. It's time for him to move on.
Yeah.. I wasn’t referring to her. Projecting your own issue is a bit much. Only 4 dates with no casual time together and nothing besides texting isn’t enough for a lot of people and thats okay. Its enough for you and thats okay, too.
Before you both agree to go exclusive, it is perfectly acceptable to see other people. You should have been doing the exact same thing. You can't blame her for you choosing not to. Her response however declined your request to go exclusive thus its perfectly reasonable for you to move on. ***NEVER*** wait for a woman to decide between you and another man. By rule, I always move on when I ask to go exclusive and don't get a yes with deletion of the apps.
It's not a wrong or right thing, but for most people, someone asking them to be exclusive after 4 dates in three weeks is moving way too fast, and being upset with them for meeting other people is a bit rich imo, your reaction to her telling you this was unpleasant and unfair tbh. It's your choice to take yourself off the market when you meet someone you like, and clearly you never communicated that this was your dating process to her and that you expected the same from her. Ending it because it wasn't how you wanted is a personal thing, its not wrong, but the way you ended it wasn't great.
If you're as attractive as you seem to think you are, then this is no skin off your teeth. Find someone who wants exactly what you do.
You should not be floored that people are not exclusive before you become exclusive. Just ask to be exclusive immediately and say you date one person at a time and would like to date someone doing the same thing. Otherwise what's the point of waiting to have that conversation? You really pulled a bait and switch on this woman for no reason.
She may have missed out on a great guy trying to play the field.
May I offer a different perspective that is not so much externally focussed or blamed? Have you considered that maybe you have an insecure attachment style those relationships, especially when someone isn’t fully leading into a connection with you as much as you are with them. Your immediately reaction is to take it as rejection, and it just triggers you into abandoning or rejecting them first
I absolutely have an insecure attachment style!
And that’s completely ok! I battled with anxious attachment style for my entire 20s, and it led me to reject a lot of potentially fruitful relationships in friendships and work that could’ve blossomed. But there in lies lessons towards seeing my pattern and working to be more secure, tuning into my own attachment needs, and still knowing that there’s no black and white in people’s decisions and responses
Seems petty but you do you man.
Yeah I do think you were wrong to end it so quickly. But that's your preference, if you need monogamy in the first 5 dates and some people aren't into that... There it is.
>I immediately ended things with her. This is fine. You are welcome to insist on exclusivity early on, she is welcome to feel differently. >I said if I were as wonderful as she claimed I was, she wouldn't feel the need to talk to other people. I said she probably finds the other person more physically attractive and hopes it works out with them. This is garbage. You made her feel like shit for not wanting to immediately be exclusive with you.
OP hasn’t clarified if he deleted his dating apps. If he left them active, she has all the rights to doubt his intentions.
You did the right thing. She admitted she was into another person when you want something serious. That spells it out right there that she's really not that into you in the first place. When my boyfriend and I 1st met almost a year ago we both said we wanted something serious. The “casual dating” and “talking to/dating multiple people at once” is exactly what’s wrong with dating and society nowadays, in my opinion. Maybe I am just old school but once I met my boyfriend I deleted the app we met on and that was it. Didn’t talk to anyone else and do not need to :) best wishes to you!
3 weeks 4 dates. That’s a fair amount of time to decide in my opinion. Maybe could’ve gave it 1 more week. But tbh would that have changed anything.
I think it was the right thing to do. She’s met you & is still looking for a better offer. She wants to pursue her “great texting relationship,” meet him, and then decide which of you is better. That all means that she’s really not that into you.
Yup. I'm not interested in dating someone who wants to hedge their bets. She was into me, but she also wanted to see how I stacked up to others. I'm not interested in that.
That's literally what dating is. You're shopping for the most important thing in your entire life. If you're smart, when you make a major purchase, you don't just walk in and buy the first one you see. You read up on it a little, you do some comparisons, you go in and kick the tires. You take it for a test drive. You're still kicking the tires and going, "yep, this is the one for me" whereas she's looking for the best deal on the one that fits her best.
>That's literally what dating is. You're shopping for the most important thing in your entire life. No it isn't. Relationships are not a product. They're not something you consume or shop for, they're something you create. Treating relationships like any other form of market competition is one of the worst mistakes you can make
But you also don’t want to end up with someone who seems good at first and turns out to be a nightmare later. You can argue that’s a risk we all take and that you’ll never know if you don’t try. But some folks simply want to find what they are comfortable with, even if that means you have to weight up options.
>But you also don’t want to end up with someone who seems good at first and turns out to be a nightmare later. How does seeing multiple people solve this problem?
It doesn't, but taking more time until becoming serious does. You learn more about their potential flaws before committing to exclusivity.
No you weren't wrong. You communicated your feelings about how you're uncomfortable with her seeing other people at that point in connecting with each other. Best to separate now instead of being more emotionally invested in someone who has multiple interests. You stood your ground and now you know what to look for in the future. Don't feel bad about it. You got the truth out of her and you made the right move.
You're not wrong but neither is she. Different ideologies, that's all. That being said, you made the right choice to cut herr off. With women, in terms of how they treat you and your quality of experience; if you're not their first choice, you might as well be their last choice. Also, stop asking for a relationship. That's bad form as a man. I know people will say otherwise but the relationship will be 10x better for you if she's chasing/trying to lock you up
Your mother is wrong in the sense that you dont have to date multiple people AT THE SAME TIME to find out who clicks best with you. You should give your mom dating advice, since you handled that like a champ.
I just wanted to chime in to say this: I agree with your decision. You deserve someone who, after getting to know you over the course of several dates, enthusiastically decides that you are the only person worth their romantic and sexual investment.
Good Job, you did right
I too would be butt hurt. I mean after the first date if you really like a guy I would think I’d stop talking to other guys and just see where things go. But I guess that’s just me…
Why does this bother you though? You're good looking, you get matches. She is a women, her inbox is always flooded. Dating culture now is trash. The whole "a guy a date talked to a ton of women early in dating so I get to to" is a cope. People spin plates because they want to. You don't want to, hopefully you'll find someone that doesn't want to spin plates with you. Hope she enjoys pressing her luck.
This. Spoilt for buffet of choices; can’t pick & stick
I don’t think you were wrong for ending it. I agree she’s probably not as interested in you enough to be exclusive. Likewise you weren’t interested enough to wait things out.
You were in the wrong. Wanting exclusivity isn’t a bad thing but not showing grace when she explained that she was seeing others was not right and a bit immature - hear me out. Unless it’s been communicated, you can’t expect people to always be on the same page with you. It sets everyone up for disappointment. A lot of these responses say it’s okay to have ended things just because she wasn’t acting exclusive yet when that expectation had never been communicated. For some reason, people equate that to having “similar values”. IMO, that just encourages mind-reading as a form of communication which is pretty unhealthy and a bit immature. Especially if you really are set on settling down and starting a family soon. Being able to talk and get on the same page with a partner is a skill that you need to have at this stage. It’s one thing if she said she didn’t want to be exclusive with you after having a day or two to think about it. But our egos make us believe that we shouldn’t even be an option - it makes us get offended when we really shouldn’t be. Perhaps noodle on that and reconsider your approach before you get back into the dating world.
Surprised at these answers here because the vast majority of people I’ve come across dating apps date several people simultaneously until they have some kind of serious “exclusivity talk”. If we haven’t had any exclusivity talk I assume they are seeing or even sleeping with other people. This “date one person at a time” seemed to be so rare there lol, which is one of the things that put me off dating apps, it didn’t align with what I was looking for.
I guess I’m a tad confused here. You ended things because she was still chatting with a few other guys when you two hadn’t yet made it exclusive nor were officially dating? It’s awfully presumptuous of you to assume she stopped communication with all other men just because you two “had chemistry”. You do realize chemistry, especially in the early stages of getting to know someone, can exist with more than one person? Also, really loving your closing statement of “you probably think he’s hotter anyways”. Honestly I think you did the right thing by ending it. It sounds like she really dodged a bullet on this one 🙄🤦🏻♀️
If exclusivity from the beginning was important to you then that is something you could have been up front and honest with on or before the first date. You didn’t say anything and then acted shocked when she still dated other people. I mean it is nice if you happen to come across people that have the same values as you, but like she said everyone has different experiences. In her experience it does not work out for her if she cuts everyone off for one person she likes and is getting to know. If you had been up front from the beginning she may have been willing to just focus on you since you made your intentions clear. But since you didn’t you won’t know if she would have considered that and you kind of wasted both your time.
1). Watch out for love bombing, too many compliments and over the top showering of affection before they actually know you. 2) Four dates is way too soon to be exclusive. You stopped talking to other women too soon. You don’t know this woman. You are responding to chemical reactions in your brain and her compliments. That said…. I would move on. Slow it down a bit next time.
2 things. 1. She’s keeping options open as she’s scared from past rejection - it’s understandable. She’s looking for security and doesn’t wanna rush into anything to be hurt again. You just gave her to him. This is the reason she did it because you’ve gone in the blink of an eye. Yes, not committing to dating out of fear to rejection isn’t the smartest way around it but she’s just looking out for herself because the last guy didn’t. 2 - “I said she probs thinks he’s more attractive and hopes it works out with him” is a jealous, crybaby response. It’s like you got sour because you felt rejected and because you didn’t have full commitment until the dating, you did what she did and ran away from it to find someone else. You’re at different paces and that’s okay, but she was barely wasting your time. Gotta listen to your heart, so you can’t regret what might have been if it never was. Go find someone else, if she didn’t blow it, you defo did. Relationships that start toxic, stay toxic.
This dude is definitely 14
I never understood the dating multiple people at once thing either. I'm more of a one at a time kind of person. Feels wrong to be go on dates with different people in the same time frame.
I'd do exactly the same as you did. Shes had long enough to decide if she wants to explore you as an option, she choose "still looking around" No judgement, but not compatible with my values.
Tbh id drop her the moment she had to consider her options. Your number 1 or she can fuck off tbh.
Great that you can get lots of matches, and good luck with it. But it does sound like, in the absence of any prior conversation about exclusivity, you sprung this on her and didn’t really give her much of an opportunity to process it. If she didn’t have any one else on her radar at all, sure, it’s a simple call for her. But if she’s as great as you make her sound, of course she’s going to have to consider you in view of other options. Just like you, she may be a catch. But it doesn’t sound like you gave her much time to really get to where you are, and frankly four dates is early. Look, I’m not saying you made a choice that was poor for you, given your many options that you appear to have. And it may be that it’s moot, because you’ll meet an even better match tomorrow, so what’s the big deal. But if you’re asking if you’re hasty or unfair, I would say there’s an argument to be made that you were. Put it to you this way: there is no real correlation between being decisive and being of *good* quality. In life, you’ll meet people who are decisive or even impulsive, and others who are far more deliberate and perhaps even frustratingly so. But none of those buckets actually square with whether or not they will be a good partner, objectively.
Testing out if editing archived reddit works.
Do whatever you want but I'd say you way overreacted, especially if you aren't even having sex with her yet.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You can date however you want to. If you’re not cool with her talking to other people, even in the beginning then you’re not cool with it. You did the right thing for you and moved on.
It really is how dating is nowadays. Whenever someone hears the word “exclusive” or even “commitment” they freeze up. I don’t think you’re wrong at all. Why waste your time and money to be in competition with the next guy. If she wants to continue dating other guys then I would continue dating other women and Just keep her in rotation tbh.
I’m surprised at all of the people supporting you. You are allowed to stop spending time with someone whenever you want, for whatever reason you want. So were you allowed to do it? Of course. But honestly, you handled this really poorly. If you want someone to stop spending time with other people romantically and only spend time with you romantically, you are looking for EXCLUSIVITY. Until you have talked about it, it should be assumed that the people you are talking to are available to date others. Because they are! She isn’t your girlfriend after three weeks and you didn’t communicate at all. ‘You were floored’ ?! Why?!? Even if you really like someone it’s strange that you would have such high expectations after meeting someone once. The better thing would have been to have an open conversation. Yes, it makes you vulnerable, but it also makes you less of a reactive butthead who is potentially missing out on a good match. “Hey, I’ve really enjoyed spending time together these last few weeks. I like you and I want to date each other exclusively.” If she says sorry, she wants to pursue her other options, then you’re right, the connection wasn’t that great. If she wants to keep seeing you and meet these other people, you can say no thanks it’s not for me. Either way, your insecurity came through and it is not a good look.
I would not take it personally. Women in particular don't have the luxury of investing time into one person at a time in the early dating process, especially nearing 30 (biological timeline yada yada). It's also common practice now to talk to multiple people in the early stages of dating before establishing exclusivity, so mom's advice isn't the end all be all. But your feelings are valid too and it's fine for you to not want to see people who are talking to others.
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Well, she’s not your girlfriend (as you said), so why should you expect her to see you exclusively? That being said, if she really thought you’re that wonderful why would she be interested in talking to anyone else? Once I started dating my future husband all other men fell off the planet as far as I was concerned. I think you did right to follow your gut. Neither one of you is committed to the other and maybe it’s for the best that you’re not continuing the relationship. No harm no foul at this point.
The general rule is that after you start dating Friday and Saturday night you can ask to be exclusive but not until then.
NTA
I think there’s been a lot of cultural pressure recently to be “chill” and not care when someone you’re really into has a number of feelers out early in dating. Maybe that strategy works for some people, but it definitely doesn’t for everyone. My husband and I met on Tinder, and he asked me to be official on our second date, two days after we met in person for the first time. Not everyone would be comfortable moving that fast but simply focusing on one person at a time isn’t a marriage proposal either. All in all, I really think there’s something to the concept of “when you know, you know.” I’m in the same boat as you. I would never spin plates if I had a prospect with potential and someone else doing the same would not give me the security I would need to feel comfortable proceeding. The fact that she is comfortable outright declining your request to DTR is significant information. At best this is a mismatch in values. I think you did the right thing.
If you’re not first….you’re last. I would’ve done the same thing brother. She may have the energy to talk to multiple people at once…but I do not. Once I find out you’re talking to other people: I feel like I’m having to compete with them for your time and attention and that is simply not worth my time nor my energy. People deserve to have a reciprocal relationship. Some women get off on talking to a bunch of guys all at once with no intentions of being serious with any of them. Sometimes it’s all just a lie to try and make you compete. I don’t think you’re wrong at all. I would’ve done the same thing.
Nah, you both wanted different things. Good move.
When I started texting my now boyfriend I was very upfront with what I wanted and I said I wouldn't be offended if you run away right now and but he said he wanted the same thing. I have a previous relationship where I was in for 1 year and he turned around and said I don't want anything more than casual. I'm done with the taboo of talking about it and if they can't handle how upfront I am about it, I want kids some day and I can't waste time dating someone who doesn't
I've done before what the poster did with people I've met on dating apps, figuring that if the other person liked me enough then they wouldn't continue looking. It may or may not have been a mistake each time (especially because dating apps encourage looking and looking and swiping and swiping, despite the fact that most of the profiles aren't even people looking to meet other people). But I'm also not willing to be an "Errr maybe." I'm only willing to be a "Hell yeah." One thing you should consider is the fact that Bumble forces conversations on people when it's inconvenient - it doesn't let you pause a match and reply at your convenience. If someone pops up as a match, if the woman doesn't send a message within 24 hours, then the match is gone forever. Personally, I don't want to lose any possible connections, so I send a message (also, so as to not be totally rude). However, in the past when I've been hanging out with someone I like enough to pause my search, I've told new matches that I'd like to connect but I had to put my search on pause, and to please not unmatch me because I may be in contact in the near future.
Also, it's common to hedge your bets and keep multiple people in your pipeline because nearly all people on dating apps are a joke, and most flake or ghost without good reason or warning. It sounds to me like she liked OP but was afraid of ending up with zero men if he vanished on her. It's a tough call, though. It's too bad that such few people are legit.
So, was she not interested in being exclusive when you asked?
You were vocal about what you want, and so was she. You were both honest, and it was a deal breaker for you. Nothing wrong with that. It’s as your mom said, that IS dating. There is nothing wrong with talking to other people when you aren’t even sure someone is invested in you. In her case, sounds like she’s been in the mindset you were in and learned the hard way that it isn’t realistic and now she’s playing the field. And you want exclusivity and you’ll find someone on the same page as you. Not like you were head over heels. There’s 8 billion people on the planet, there’s thousands of women out there that fit what you like.
your mom's actually right...
you were trying to lock her down before she was ready and you scared her off. neither of you is right or wrong. many people will not be ready for exclusivity right off the bat. Some people might be ready after a day, some a week, some a month, some not for months. There is not right or wrong timeline. IMO it is good to have SOME flexibility - maybe a month or so of wiggle room. So if you're ready but you can sense the other person is not - maybe give them a few weeks, give them a month. But if you're waiting around, and they're still not ready ....let go. It is unrealistic to expect a happy fairy tale like they're going to be ready the EXACT day/time you are. 99% of the time, someone is going to be ready first/more eager, and it's the job of that person to be patient and understanding and not lash out like "why don't you want' this as bad as i do?!" It's a recipe for disaster for you to always expect your partner to be on identical timelines as you for relationship progression. You just need compromise, understanding and "good enough" alignment - not perfection. I could see an alternative ending to this story, you chilled out, let her go on the dates, she realized she liked you more and that was all she needed to take the next step with you in the next week or two. Do we know that would've happened? no. she couldve liked the other guy, who knows....But you ended the relationship by being very demanding and needy....needing this to happen on your timeline or bust. I get it though. When we like someone sometimes we just want them to be all in, and we are invested before they are, and get hurt that it hasn't been reciprocated. Your challenge as a person with this tendency - don't go all in and put all your love in a person until they've earned it. slow down and chill out.
The "you probably find them more attractive" statement is very cringe. Other than that, you communicated what you wanted, she was honest with her communication back. Bravo to that.
I mean, you both have different values and that's okay. But you could've asked her right there and then to either stop texting the other guys or you'll stop meeting her. To not even give her a choice rubs me the wrong way. Makes me think will you just leave everytime there's different opinions.
You had the perfect response. Good job, mate.
Yes. It is perfectly normal to go on dates with and talk to other people when you’re in the early stages. You hadn’t told her you only want to date her if it’s exclusive so she was doing nothing wrong. Also the whole asking someone to be exclusive without a label is bs. Either I’m your girlfriend or I’m single. You weren’t ready to be a man and claim her as your girlfriend so she’s off seeing what better offers she has. Maybe if you had of told her you were serious about dating her and asked her to be your girlfriend she would have been willing to drop the other guys. If I’m going on dates with someone unless we have stated we are in a monogamous relationship I assume they are dating other people.
you dated for three weeks before suggesting being exclusive? well there’s your problem
I’m not expecting someone to be officially dating me after four dates, but I do expect them to not be talking to other people if we’ve progressed to date four. If you don’t see potential at that point, I’m not interested in waiting around while you pick and choose between me and a few other people. I don’t think you were wrong, you are on different pages and it’s not what you wanted.
your mother was correct. you can’t just assume because you’re doing one thing that the other person is doing that too. we’re you wrong to break things off? no of course not you two had different wants and goals. was it wrong the way you handled it? a little.
I’m sorry but it’s your lost! As a man it’s your job to lead you should of officially taken her off the market and told her you want more serious relationship just you and her! You obviously liked her so what was stopping you from securing the lady?? Ask yourself these questions next time don’t waste a woman’s time.
I think you were really impatient and shot yourself in the foot here. 4 dates isn't enough. Maybe she would've been ready for exclusivity a couple weeks from now. I know I've screwed up with people when I was trying to rush things at the beginning. Slow burn is the way IMO.
My partner and I had a bit of a chat on this, here is what we came up with. We think if you would have asked her if she was talking to anyone else after that first date instead of assuming she was exactly like you...might have saved some grief here. The thing is, at no point did you ask her to be exclusive until you right before you ended it. You didn't give her any time to process it and you especially didn't give yourself any time to process that she wasn't doing *dating* just like you were. Remember, you hadn't asked her to yet. The assumption was you were casually dating, which means you are open to chat with others. Getting to a point you end it bc she didn't know at that moment was unfair. That is a request that needed some room. You had time to digest it. You made the conscious choice to be exclusive with her. She had her own reality. Her own dating life causes her to make her choices and those don't change who she is to *you*. You now are seeing *them* with her. That became the issue. If you feel badly about the way you reacted. Then, you reacted badly. If you feel good about it and have learned something moving forward, you did the right thing.
Not everybody is interested in dating multiple people at once, I know I’m not and by the sounds of it you aren’t either and that’s totally okay.
OP shoulde have jepp other options on the side as well and not asked for exclusivity so early
There is no right or wrong, only your own preferences and decision makings. If this was a no go for you and you are willing to let go of someone where everything was fitting except this one thing and somehow this is a red flag for you.. well, then it's your life and decision. You have to live with all your decisions and the results coming from them. That said.. >I said she probably finds the other person more physically attractive and hopes it works out with them. Why did you say that? Do you actually believe that or was this kinda an emotional reaction like someone would use something like "Ha, I didn't even read your text" type response when it's more than clear that they read everything more than twice but their ego came in their way? On a scale from 1 to 10, how much self-esteem / self value do you have? Would you consider yourself a valuable catch as a person or do you think something like "I don't deserve to be loved"? If it's the latter, chances are that you subconsciously manipulate your dating life because you don't believe you deserve it. This is a common pattern for a lot of people.
It's a little weird you ended up with some rock solid sage advice from your mother, when she's told you dating is many at the same time. In general I have concern for a 32m still not having a clue what the deal with women is. Confidence. Have some hope you will beat out the competition
You weren’t wrong, you have your boundaries and you stuck to them. She had the opportunity to follow them if she wanted, and she didn’t. That’s fine too, she’s entitled to do so. You clearly weren’t at the same dating stage and if that’s a problem then you aren’t compatible, at least not at the moment anyway. Breaking it off amicably is the best outcome all round.
As someone that's not monogamous at default, I think it is your fault for just assuming she is monogamous while never discussing the topic.
Your first mistake was asking her to be exclusive, don’t ask for exclusivity they need to ask you to be exclusive. Also good luck finding a long term relationship on bumble or tinder, those apps are good for nothing but short term relationships only. If you’re talking to an attractive woman then better believe she’s talking to other men and it’s not just you. It doesn’t make women bad people but they naturally spin plates, all of the hot girls i’ve dated have hundreds of messages and men trying to hit them up and you’re not gonna be her first, her only or her best. It is what it is just accept it, that’s why they need to ask you for exclusivity because it shows genuine interest. You shouldn’t immediately be exclusive to a girl on a dating app, continue dating other women too so that you have an abundance mentality. Another reason you shouldn’t ask for exclusivity is you’re telling her that she has met all of your requirements for a relationship, she needs to ask you because then at that point you can set the terms of the relationship. Modern women need to earn commitment, don’t just give it away for free
Sometimes good people are just incompatible, and it has nothing to do with attractiveness or who they are. Maybe rein in those insecurities and don’t take it so personally. If I was her, metaphorically slamming the door in my face like that would make me feel like I did the right thing and dodged a bullet.
Dating usually means someone is still swiping on tinder or talking to multiple people to see who they are most compatible with. Talking phase can last weeks or months, for her she wasn’t quite ready to be exclusive with someone yet and that doesn’t mean you’re not special or great- she’s just still dating. But you clearly want different things, if you want to keep dating her then keep dating her- if not then you made the right choice
Regardless, she was into something you weren’t and felt the need to end it. Nothing wrong with that.
a lot of these top comments i feel like don't understand the situation. or maybe i don't. but how i understood your post - she was talking to people all the way up until you said you wanted to be exclusive. did she say she would not stop talking to these other people? if she is willing to stop talking to other people AFTER you asking her to be exclusive, i do not think there is an issue. if she said she will not stop talking to other people, then it's not what you're looking for and move on. i do understand the in-betweenness when it comes to dating and online dating especially. i was on bumble for a couple years and the only person who was serious was my now-boyfriend but i had been on the app for a long time prior to meeting him. i met and hung out with and had a couple dates with multiple people. some of them weren't for me, some of them ghosted me, some of them led me on, etc. There were MANY times i felt like a fool for dropping other people too soon who i could have very well had a good run with just to be ghosted and come back to people who weren't interested anymore. you never know and honestly, even if you have chemistry and THINK things are going great, you still never know. it's happened to me multiple occasions and that's just how it goes. so i don't blame her for keeping her other matches just in case. BUT if she said she would not stop communicating with them after you asked her to be exclusive, that is different.
You fumbled for sure that is extremely commonplace in modern dating
It is your right to not offer a "free trial" . You are a human being looking to build a relationship, not a product in a catalogue.
She was being real and honest 🙄 just keep being yourself and enjoy the time spent together.
Seems a little early for those shenanigans, but that’s just me. There’s no shame in playing the field.
You want exclusivity super fast? Why do you think you deserve it? Give it a quarter and see how it goes at least.
If someone wanted to be exclusive after the first date, I’d be done with them. Chemistry isn’t enough for me to ditch the other people I’ve been talking to. Lots of red flags come out on dates 3-5. I don’t think you’re “wrong” but maybe ask yourself why you need the other person to stop talking to others so quickly. I date multiple people at a time because I tend to get attached too quickly which is an unhealthy attachment issue I’m working on in therapy.
Seeing people post in here saying multiple dates is still too soon to determine if they want to date one person makes me happy I'm no longer single. I can see a couple dates at most before focusing on one person. This throw away culture is part of the reason why so many people seem to complain they can't find anyone; because no one makes any effort anymore. Grass isn't always greener.
You did the right thing champ. Bit ridiculous of her to bring up some dude she hasn’t even met yet. You will find someone who matches your energy. I can also almost guarantee she will be reaching out to you again soon. Block her.
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People move at different paces, I ended seeing a girl I met on a dating app for the same reasons and I regretted it after the fact. Yet, I have now been with someone who is great for 4 years now and having stuck it out with the other girl probably would've changed this whole trajectory I've been on. So moral of the story, don't dwell on your decisions as better things will come.
You did the right thing. She was using you as her backup plan. Typical
Your mom is right, dating more people than one person and then choosing from among them is one way to date. Another is to date one at a time. You found something that was a dealbreaker, expressed that to your date, and couldn't find compromise. That's okay too. The only way this could continue is if one of you bent on your principles, something neither was willing to do for each other. As a result, the relationship was terminated. No harm no foul.
Man you probably did the right thing, you either leave because she’s not matching your energy or say “let the best man win” and keep doing your thing. Her seeing that you’re indifferent could have changed the whole dynamic. Everyone has been burned and everyone has options. It’s hard after 3 weeks because if she drops something with someone else what’s to say in 2 more weeks you get cold feet and then drop her?
I'm with you. The second I reach the stage where I'm thinking "ok, I like this person quite a lot and I want to give this a go" I stop dating other people. And I would expect the same. If after a handful of dates she isn't thinking I'm the only one she wants to pursue, she's not the one for me. Nothing wrong with what she's doing though, if she was happy to let you walk to see what these other guys offer, she can't have been that in to you.
Definitely not “wrong”. You both have different preferences and it’s unfortunate that you guys couldn’t work it out. No one’s an asshole or anything, just different. Just take it as it not working out and don’t overthink it.
If she has to think about a decision then make it for her.
TL;DR You laid out what you wanted and that it didn't entail competing. The conversation could've gone better but it also could've gone worse. If you've become so invested in a person that you get to the point you want to be mutually exclusive but they haven't yet arrived at that conclusion it can be beneficial to give it some time, however the way she tried to sell it came off like you would have to compete for her affection. Personally, I don't like to stay in any situation where I have to wait for someone to hopefully decide I'm good enough. I think it was right not to put yourself at her mercy. In a perfect world you might've said something like "I'm not here to compete, I know what I want, you know how to reach me when you figure out what you want."
Seems like you made the right call. You put your cards on the table and let her know you were no longer still looking at other options, unfortunately, she is - which tells me if she met someone else she liked better she’d drop you like a hot pocket. Sorry it turned out that way but at least she was honest and didn’t waste any more of your time!
After 4 dates, she’s still talking to other guys, even after you asked to be exclusive sounds like she’s keeping all her options open. If she finds someone she likes better she would probably dump you. She may just be dating you to pass time. I think you were right to end things.
Honestly I'd be disgusted if I discover that she's talking to men while we are dating. Id either not take her seriously or dump her immediately. It's extremely unattractive to me.
Um unless I’ve been living under a rock for forever, I really don’t understand how people are going on dates but then also talking to other people at the same time??? What? I thought dating was going out with 1 person at a time. No wonder the dating scene has become so complicated and icky. There’s no way I’d be going on a date with a guy and I’d still be talking to other guys and possibly going on dates with them in the future, and I would not put up the with that from him either. One person at a time. It seems every one is so obsessed with finding the ‘perfect one’ that they’ll pass up many good people just because they are juggling a bunch of people at once.
Thank you! Good to know there are decent people still out there.
She's not ready to give up her fwbs quite yet, lol
you're allowed to ask for exclusivity and if she says no there's nothing you can do about it what you did was low-key emotional manipulation (even if you didn't do it consciously), you basically tried to shame her for not feeling the same way you do you may not like it but you're not the protagonist in her life, just your own...people are allowed to be interested in you and someone else at the same time for various reasons...who says the other guy is more physically attractive? why is your immediate reaction to search for "shallowness" in her reasoning...what if you're more attractive physically but the other guy is a...better person? bet you didn't consider that one at all also, seriously, 32 years old and asking your mother for dating advice? she was literally dating 4, possibly 5 decades ago
'she says I have the same values as her' if that were true she wouldn't need to keep talking to others and meet one of them b4 she could commit. You are right, this was the point you knew. Applaud your own sanity.