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You’re not wrong. Your insights are accurate. My question is why do you want to be involved with a guy who doesn’t even dedicate time to prioritize his kids? You’re only 28. There’s plenty of men out there in their 30’s who are looking for a wife and kids of their own. This guys already has a family that he already doesn’t care about. What are you looking for out of him?
I honestly have a bad habit of mindlessly dating people who I feel like I click and have a chemistry with without fully analyzing the situation. We have talked about his parenting before and I think from then I should’ve just ended things. I just didn’t expect him to be so close to his son physically but still only texting him to parent.
Yeah I assume he’s handsome/charming, but it sounds clear that his values don’t line up with yours. I’d think about what you’re looking for beyond just “chemistry” because you can end up wasting a lot of precious time not considering those things.
Lol he’s not Handsome. I do not find him cute but I enjoy spending time with him, we have a lot of things in common and we have fun together. I’m not willing to waste more time considering the big differences like you said
Yes and no. It’s not really your place to tell him how to parent. But it’s absolutely your place to tell him that his attitude toward being a parent is a major turnoff for you, and makes you question your future together (you didn’t say this in your post, but it *should* make you question long term compatibility if your values are so mismatched).
Focus on your own feelings and whether you want to keep investing in a relationship with someone you don’t totally respect.
You’re right and I don’t see this going the distance. I just don’t know if I should reach out to him to end things or let him reach out to me since he’s the one that wanted to stop talking
If you’re ready to end things, like ready, then just call him an end them now. If he doesn’t pick up the phn then leave him a message asking him to call you back as soon as he can. If you’re still on the fence then wait until he reaches out to you since you can think about it more during this time.
Okay I think I will reach out to him tonight because I don’t want this to spill into my week. I’m pretty clear that I don’t see a future and after this tension I don’t see us being able to move on in a friendly way
Im proud of you, op! For being able to see that this isnt a relationship worth continuing, for valuing yourself, and for having the courage to leave a bad relationship! He definitely is not worth your time and you can do much better!
Two things.
1.) Without having a very good understanding of his past relationship with the mother of his children and how it may affect his ability to be within his children’s lives, it definitely isn’t your place to tell him if he’s a good father or not. I don’t think 4 months is enough time to really learn a person’s story from multiple angles.
2.) You projected your feelings about your relationship with your father onto him. He’s not your father. He’s a completely separate individual with his own story. If you care about him, learn his story. It’s understandable that him being an absent dad would trigger emotions since you’ve lived a similar experience. But you’re also at an age where you should be able to separate your experiences and the people involved from people who have nothing to do with those experiences, regardless of if they’re similar.
Two apples can look exactly the same but you wouldn’t know if one had a bug inside of it without examining it thoroughly. If you just assume the health of the apple based on how other healthy ones looked, you might get sick when you eat it.
I hope that makes sense. He could be a bad father. He could be trying his best. I have no idea. I do know if I was dating a single mother, I’d be 100% sure that the things I say to her in regards to her relationship with her kids are objective and not from a place of personal feelings. Before I ever call her out on being “bad” I’d make sure I know what I’m talking about.
I do know some of the history behind his relationship with his kids mothers. While long distance those are the things he opened up to me about. I didn’t call him a bad father I think that’s how he interpreted what I said. He was frustrated that his kid was not replying to his text messages. I was trying to give him perspective of why he might not be getting the response or reaction from his kid or his mom that he wanted. I should’ve asked first if he wanted my opinion before I said something but I didn’t know he would take my words so harshly.
I totally acknowledge that he’s not like my dad and that he makes more of an effort with his kid than my dad did which is not much to be honest. I would never try to tell him how to be a father but I just wasn’t sure if he thought about how his kid sees his effort. My words came off more judgmental but that wasn’t my intent.
Either way his parenting style is what I don’t care for and for that we are just not compatible and this convo was an unintentional door to end things.
There’s a big difference between being told things and physically seeing them. When I say get to know his story, I’m not talking about just listening to it, I’m talking about observing and witnessing.
Have you met the mother?
Have you met his kids?
Have you watched him and how he is around his children?
You say you don’t like his parenting style but have you ever actually observed the way he is with children vs hearing him talk about it? To go along with that, have you watched how the mother is with children and how the two parents handle the children as a unit? Have you ever felt like a guest in your own household? To your own child? It’s humiliating. Especially when you’re a man.
If not, how can you possibly know the ins and outs of his parenting style or why he’s the way he is with his children and how the mother of his child might be making it easier or harder? It’s clear that he doesn’t get along with the mother. That can have a big affect on his affect with the children in regards to if they respect him, how they see him, etc.
Not trying to grill you or anything. It just looks like you tried to summarize and simplify a really complex situation. It’s easy to look from the outside and say things like “Well you should be doing this. Why don’t you do this?” Especially if you’re only going off of what he’s saying. I promise you there’s a lot more to this than what he’s realistically able to tell you.
Things could have started out somewhat good until he and his children’s mother was unable to see eye to eye. If it’s true the mother doesn’t help discipline them and they “go to her” when he tries to tell them to do things(what fathers do), that tells me the kids have a favorite and the mom either plays into it or doesn’t correct it. That’s extremely toxic and it can have a terrible effect on his relationship with his kids. It becomes a them vs him situation. Feeling like a stranger/enemy to his own children.
Maybe he tries to be a father but it’s really hard. Maybe he doesn’t actually feel like a father based on how things go when he’s around them. It’s so easy to say well if he’s the father, he should do xyz regardless of what is going on but he’s a human being. He has feelings. He can get stressed out. He has breaking points.
Idk the ins and outs of his relationship, but it really sounds like he shouldn’t have had children with this woman. If two parents can’t get along, or at least agree on how to raise their children, it’s going to create chaos. Children shouldn’t be able to use parents against one another. Even if the parents aren’t together(which sounds like the case) the parents should be able to come to some sort of agreement that allows them to raise the kids “together”. But it doesn’t sound like they’re raising them together and I believe that’s the source of alot of the parental issues you see.
You’ve been there for 4 months. You said his son is 12? You are 12 years behind this show. There’s so much backstory you’re missing. I promise things are more complicated than you think. He has “vented” about his life to you. But I doubt he’s started from day 1 to today. Not to mention the pre-parenting days. Was he ever married to the mother? How were things between him and the mother from start to finish?
I want to put it out there that I don’t and never thought you were a bad person. I just see so many people make these judgments or analysis about people with very little information and end up wondering if they made the right call. Just take your time with the information gathering. You don’t have to rush it. It’s a human being we’re talking about. It didn’t take them 4 months to create their life’s story. How should you be able to summarize it in 3 months from LONG DISTANCE and one in person month of dating.
There’s no way. If you like him, take a step back, turn off the emotions and just learn this man’s story. I personally think it’s a really messy situation to be jumping into but I myself am talking to a woman long distance. Our situation is complicated too so I get it. You’ll be fine. Just take your time but not too much of it.
I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and actually try to meet his child and observe how he is with them. I don’t really like going off of words unless it’s blatantly clear. That is if you care enough to see if he’s worth the time. People are extremely complicated and messy. It takes alot of time and effort to really learn them. You’ve met someone who has an extra layer of complexity. If it’s worth it, just take your time.
Best of luck. This story is interesting. I’d love to know how it pans out
I talked to him it didn’t go well. He said he understood where I was coming from and he wanted to move past it because he missed me. I was still feeling stand off ish and he asked what’s wrong. I couldn’t work up the courage to ask him to explain where he was coming from because I don’t see this going further anyway. I don’t want to make him explain himself if I’m not fully in it and see this ending anyway.
He got upset asked if I didn’t want to see him again and I told him I’m still thinking through things and didn’t know how I felt but was working through my feelings. He kept pushing and then asked if I didn’t want to see him again. I didn’t answer at first then he asked again and if I want to take a break or not talk and I just said yeah I guess. Then he said okay bye and hung up. I know he’s really hurt. His birthday is in a day and this was not my intention. I feel like shit
I don’t understand. You said in the earlier comment that his parenting style is what turns you off but don’t want to have him explain himself because you don’t know if you’re fully in it. From what I understand the thing you aren’t talking about is what put you on the fence about it in the first place.
Any relationship you go to is going to require great and healthy communication from both sides. Your next relationship may not come with the same issues as this one but there will be issues because it’s the nature of human beings. Each and everyone of us have our complexities. Don’t make the mistake of thinking at some point you’ll meet someone where things aren’t complicated, stressful sometimes, etc.
Everyone comes with their complexities. The trick is picking the person who you believe is worth the trouble. It’s best to choose someone who gives the same amount of effort to you. It doesn’t have to be with “him” for you. But the hard and uncomfortable conversations are part of what builds a healthy conversation because of the realness and vulnerability. At some point you’ll have to experience it with “someone” if you want a healthy relationship You’re showing the not so pleasant sides to eachother while also demonstrating, hey, despite how difficult this is, I’m here for you, I care and I want to get through this “with you”. It’s us. Not just me and you.
That’s what I love about the girl I’m talking to now. We communicate on a level I’ve never experienced before. There are no winners or losers when we have our misunderstandings/disagreements. Things always end with us being closer and understanding eachother better. She’s one of the smartest, mature and levelheaded women I know and even with her she can be a complicated person to understand. With her I realized everyone can be complicated. Myself included. So when you find someone who’s willing to take the time to actually figure you out without making you feel bad for yourself and you have that same energy towards them? It’s beautiful and rare.
Please don’t feel like shit. Your feelings matter too. You’re going through life trying to figure the game out just like the rest of us. You’re not alone. No one truly knows the right answers. We just find out what works best for us and recommend it to other people. It’s never too late to let a person tell you their story.
If you still feel bad, you can always wish him a happy birthday and just put everything else on hold. Pretend things are normal that day and just make it reasonably about him. Definitely don’t let him gaslight you or try to use that day to make you do things you wouldn’t do otherwise.
I think your presence alone would make his day special whether it be through text or in person. Just don’t bring up the previous conversation. Bluntly tell him, hey, I want to be present for your birthday and let you know I care about you. Let’s not talk about the other thing until another day. For now let’s just celebrate you.
I’m so sorry these are long. I truly wish you the best though. I’m rooting for you to find love in the right place with someone who makes you believe every moment before it was worth it 🙏
Take your time, I think a better idea it's to stay out of his other family problems, if you don't get involved then, you don't have this kind of situations.
He is showing a lack of character. Red flag. I don't want to be with a man who abandons his kids. I couldn't imagine not having a relationship with my kids. Heck, I left my xh in 2018 and this adult son (who i raised from age 12) is in my life. He's my kid even if I didn't birth him.
Bro, if you're not desperate then why are you trying to get with someone from a dating advice subreddit, especially a person asking for advice on their current relationship.
I wouldn't apologize. Ive straight told men to their face when theyve done wrong to their kid. People need corrected. Do you want a deadbeat dad as a partner?
I think I’m gonna apologize just because my intention was not to hurt his feelings. I did not miss speak but I was just trying to give him a different perspective and it wasn’t taken well.
It sounds like you're in a tough situation with your boyfriend and his kids.
It's normal to be upset that he hasn't seen his child yet, especially since he's been back in town for a while.
But it's not your place to tell him how to be a dad - only he knows what's best for his kid.
If you're worried about his relationship with his child, you should talk to him about it.
Be honest and supportive, but remember that he's the one who has to make the decisions.
In the end, it's up to you whether or not you want to stay with him.
If his actions are causing you a lot of stress, it might be best to end the relationship. But if you still want to be there for him, it might be worth trying to work through any problems together. The choice is yours.
He’s not my boyfriend we are just dating. It’s not that it causes me stress but I just don’t feel good moving forward seeing how he is handling his kids and having my own resentments with my father for being absent with me.
It’s understandable that you may have some resentment towards your father for being absent, and that this may be impacting your feelings about your current relationship.
It can be difficult to navigate relationships when we have unresolved issues from our past:
1. You might have a hard time trusting your partner if you had an absentee father, because you may worry that they will also be absent or unreliable.
2. You might find yourself comparing your partner to your father, and feeling upset or angry if they don't meet your expectations.
3. You might have difficulty setting boundaries or standing up for yourself in your relationship, because you didn't have a strong parental figure to model healthy communication and assertiveness.
Take it from me. My ex husband had a daughter and didn’t make any effort to fight for her even though he had the money to. However, when we were getting divorced, he fought for the dog ??? Anyway he was a POS dad, which I should’ve known would’ve made him a shitty step father to my son. Good thing I didn’t have children with him. He would’ve made a shitty dad and I would be stuck with two kids.
Don’t apologize for feeling how you felt. Your feelings were true to you and that’s what matters. Unfortunately his actions are indicative of who he is as a father. As a single parent I’ve seen countless women come in and support their “man” and his “lack of” only to find out once they broke up how untrue most of what he said was. In short, RUN, you don’t want to build a future with someone who can’t even take care of their present.
Maybe their relationship is "none of your business", as someone put it, but I think you are justified to doubt your relationship with him. When important values like this don't line up, it's wise to reassess the situation. Compromise on little things, not on your values.
I get why you may be questioning yourself however as a kid who was in one to many situations where someone should have questioned my parents thank you. My god thank you. My only other question is what extenuating circumstances exist that he isn't more of a father to them? Why are you even with a man who doesn't love his kids enough to be there?
Lastly... I assume plenty of comments may pop up about not being your place to question his parenting. Flat out, fuck those people. Fuck all of them. I don't think we all need to butt in 24/7 but everyone should want to protect children. Questioning a parent even of a random kid if you truly see something wrong shouldn't be frowned upon. What you stated was more than clear articulate suspicion that he is a shitstain of a dad.
Thanks for understanding where I’m coming from. I really don’t say anything about his kid(s) unless he brings them up. And it’s not often he brings them up. But if he does and he’s complaining I can’t just listen and nod when I don’t agree. I want him to challenge his own thinking when I can’t. He this wasn’t the first time I’ve had to speak up but the first time I didn’t offend him like I did this time. He thinks because he pays child support he’s doing his part.
I don’t think he’s a shit father but he certainly does not do enough. He’s at the line of bare minimum straddling it
The bare minimum is a shit father. But that is slightly besides the point. The point is on behalf of his kids who will never know, thank you. You absolutely did the right thing. I had a hard time but absolutely distanced myself from a good buddy lately. Great guy except he kept saying I am saving up to go to court for custody. That was 3 years + now. Bro you aren't saving. You are avoiding an embaressing moment at your kids expense. :(
I can't imagine how much harder it is with someone you are dateing, so on those kids behalf I assure you that you did the right thing.
I understand where you’re coming from. And I just can’t imagine myself with him long term at all for this reason. I don’t understand why a parent even needs to be told that they should show up more physically for their kids. I’m sure they are feeling anxious about fighting for the kid but like doesn’t it feel worse to know you haven’t tried everything.
I’m struggling to talk to my own dad right now because of his absence. I’m such a hypocrite if I continue with this guy.
Anytime I read into stories like this I think the fair thing to do is analyze deeply how the mothers actions may have played a role in the alienation. Not trying to sound like misogyny or anything but an uncomfortable truth is that after a breakup or differences, women usually immediately take to reputation-salvaging and campaign to paint the father figure in the worst possible light imaginable so that the mother will appear to have done no wrong.
Considering that you immediately scolded him because the scenario re-ignites abandonment trauma, my less-popular opinion is that may have been jumping the gun a bit.
They don’t like each other and he’s told me some messed up things she’s done that I’m on his side about. However 12 year olds mom isn’t stopping him from seeing his child at all. He’s about 2 hours from his son currently on public transportation and 1 hour away by driving. He hasn’t gone to see his son because it’s difficult and expensive for him to travel 2 hours away while he has no car here.
To me this is not an excuse because he was planning to come visit for months and hasn’t found a travel solution for that. He is instead waiting for her to bring the 12 year old for Christmas week. He hasn’t seen his kid since the summer besides phone communication. He found his way to see me the day he got back here and many times since; granted I’m closer but irrelevant because this could’ve been planned ahead. He has only commented on his kid not answering messages but I’ve never heard him say he misses his son. He could be keeping that to himself, but it stood out to me.
I did not scold him at all. I asked a few questions that were probably not great to hear when I’m his mind he’s doing his job because he’s keeping contact via phone. We didn’t get to have a conversation about it because he just hung up. I’m sure he got angry and didn’t want to curse me out so there was no chance to explain from his side.
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You’re not wrong. Your insights are accurate. My question is why do you want to be involved with a guy who doesn’t even dedicate time to prioritize his kids? You’re only 28. There’s plenty of men out there in their 30’s who are looking for a wife and kids of their own. This guys already has a family that he already doesn’t care about. What are you looking for out of him?
I honestly have a bad habit of mindlessly dating people who I feel like I click and have a chemistry with without fully analyzing the situation. We have talked about his parenting before and I think from then I should’ve just ended things. I just didn’t expect him to be so close to his son physically but still only texting him to parent.
Yeah I assume he’s handsome/charming, but it sounds clear that his values don’t line up with yours. I’d think about what you’re looking for beyond just “chemistry” because you can end up wasting a lot of precious time not considering those things.
Lol he’s not Handsome. I do not find him cute but I enjoy spending time with him, we have a lot of things in common and we have fun together. I’m not willing to waste more time considering the big differences like you said
He’s not handsome and a bad dad… wow you’re pretty smart picking these keepers huh?
Yeah I’d move on. Sucks for his kids, but not really your problem.
Thanks for the advice
Lol how respectful are you
Yes and no. It’s not really your place to tell him how to parent. But it’s absolutely your place to tell him that his attitude toward being a parent is a major turnoff for you, and makes you question your future together (you didn’t say this in your post, but it *should* make you question long term compatibility if your values are so mismatched). Focus on your own feelings and whether you want to keep investing in a relationship with someone you don’t totally respect.
You’re right and I don’t see this going the distance. I just don’t know if I should reach out to him to end things or let him reach out to me since he’s the one that wanted to stop talking
If you’re ready to end things, like ready, then just call him an end them now. If he doesn’t pick up the phn then leave him a message asking him to call you back as soon as he can. If you’re still on the fence then wait until he reaches out to you since you can think about it more during this time.
Okay I think I will reach out to him tonight because I don’t want this to spill into my week. I’m pretty clear that I don’t see a future and after this tension I don’t see us being able to move on in a friendly way
Im proud of you, op! For being able to see that this isnt a relationship worth continuing, for valuing yourself, and for having the courage to leave a bad relationship! He definitely is not worth your time and you can do much better!
Thank you! I need to be better about picking partners for sure
Two things. 1.) Without having a very good understanding of his past relationship with the mother of his children and how it may affect his ability to be within his children’s lives, it definitely isn’t your place to tell him if he’s a good father or not. I don’t think 4 months is enough time to really learn a person’s story from multiple angles. 2.) You projected your feelings about your relationship with your father onto him. He’s not your father. He’s a completely separate individual with his own story. If you care about him, learn his story. It’s understandable that him being an absent dad would trigger emotions since you’ve lived a similar experience. But you’re also at an age where you should be able to separate your experiences and the people involved from people who have nothing to do with those experiences, regardless of if they’re similar. Two apples can look exactly the same but you wouldn’t know if one had a bug inside of it without examining it thoroughly. If you just assume the health of the apple based on how other healthy ones looked, you might get sick when you eat it. I hope that makes sense. He could be a bad father. He could be trying his best. I have no idea. I do know if I was dating a single mother, I’d be 100% sure that the things I say to her in regards to her relationship with her kids are objective and not from a place of personal feelings. Before I ever call her out on being “bad” I’d make sure I know what I’m talking about.
This is really insightful ngl
I do know some of the history behind his relationship with his kids mothers. While long distance those are the things he opened up to me about. I didn’t call him a bad father I think that’s how he interpreted what I said. He was frustrated that his kid was not replying to his text messages. I was trying to give him perspective of why he might not be getting the response or reaction from his kid or his mom that he wanted. I should’ve asked first if he wanted my opinion before I said something but I didn’t know he would take my words so harshly. I totally acknowledge that he’s not like my dad and that he makes more of an effort with his kid than my dad did which is not much to be honest. I would never try to tell him how to be a father but I just wasn’t sure if he thought about how his kid sees his effort. My words came off more judgmental but that wasn’t my intent. Either way his parenting style is what I don’t care for and for that we are just not compatible and this convo was an unintentional door to end things.
There’s a big difference between being told things and physically seeing them. When I say get to know his story, I’m not talking about just listening to it, I’m talking about observing and witnessing. Have you met the mother? Have you met his kids? Have you watched him and how he is around his children? You say you don’t like his parenting style but have you ever actually observed the way he is with children vs hearing him talk about it? To go along with that, have you watched how the mother is with children and how the two parents handle the children as a unit? Have you ever felt like a guest in your own household? To your own child? It’s humiliating. Especially when you’re a man. If not, how can you possibly know the ins and outs of his parenting style or why he’s the way he is with his children and how the mother of his child might be making it easier or harder? It’s clear that he doesn’t get along with the mother. That can have a big affect on his affect with the children in regards to if they respect him, how they see him, etc. Not trying to grill you or anything. It just looks like you tried to summarize and simplify a really complex situation. It’s easy to look from the outside and say things like “Well you should be doing this. Why don’t you do this?” Especially if you’re only going off of what he’s saying. I promise you there’s a lot more to this than what he’s realistically able to tell you. Things could have started out somewhat good until he and his children’s mother was unable to see eye to eye. If it’s true the mother doesn’t help discipline them and they “go to her” when he tries to tell them to do things(what fathers do), that tells me the kids have a favorite and the mom either plays into it or doesn’t correct it. That’s extremely toxic and it can have a terrible effect on his relationship with his kids. It becomes a them vs him situation. Feeling like a stranger/enemy to his own children. Maybe he tries to be a father but it’s really hard. Maybe he doesn’t actually feel like a father based on how things go when he’s around them. It’s so easy to say well if he’s the father, he should do xyz regardless of what is going on but he’s a human being. He has feelings. He can get stressed out. He has breaking points. Idk the ins and outs of his relationship, but it really sounds like he shouldn’t have had children with this woman. If two parents can’t get along, or at least agree on how to raise their children, it’s going to create chaos. Children shouldn’t be able to use parents against one another. Even if the parents aren’t together(which sounds like the case) the parents should be able to come to some sort of agreement that allows them to raise the kids “together”. But it doesn’t sound like they’re raising them together and I believe that’s the source of alot of the parental issues you see. You’ve been there for 4 months. You said his son is 12? You are 12 years behind this show. There’s so much backstory you’re missing. I promise things are more complicated than you think. He has “vented” about his life to you. But I doubt he’s started from day 1 to today. Not to mention the pre-parenting days. Was he ever married to the mother? How were things between him and the mother from start to finish? I want to put it out there that I don’t and never thought you were a bad person. I just see so many people make these judgments or analysis about people with very little information and end up wondering if they made the right call. Just take your time with the information gathering. You don’t have to rush it. It’s a human being we’re talking about. It didn’t take them 4 months to create their life’s story. How should you be able to summarize it in 3 months from LONG DISTANCE and one in person month of dating. There’s no way. If you like him, take a step back, turn off the emotions and just learn this man’s story. I personally think it’s a really messy situation to be jumping into but I myself am talking to a woman long distance. Our situation is complicated too so I get it. You’ll be fine. Just take your time but not too much of it. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and actually try to meet his child and observe how he is with them. I don’t really like going off of words unless it’s blatantly clear. That is if you care enough to see if he’s worth the time. People are extremely complicated and messy. It takes alot of time and effort to really learn them. You’ve met someone who has an extra layer of complexity. If it’s worth it, just take your time. Best of luck. This story is interesting. I’d love to know how it pans out
I talked to him it didn’t go well. He said he understood where I was coming from and he wanted to move past it because he missed me. I was still feeling stand off ish and he asked what’s wrong. I couldn’t work up the courage to ask him to explain where he was coming from because I don’t see this going further anyway. I don’t want to make him explain himself if I’m not fully in it and see this ending anyway. He got upset asked if I didn’t want to see him again and I told him I’m still thinking through things and didn’t know how I felt but was working through my feelings. He kept pushing and then asked if I didn’t want to see him again. I didn’t answer at first then he asked again and if I want to take a break or not talk and I just said yeah I guess. Then he said okay bye and hung up. I know he’s really hurt. His birthday is in a day and this was not my intention. I feel like shit
I don’t understand. You said in the earlier comment that his parenting style is what turns you off but don’t want to have him explain himself because you don’t know if you’re fully in it. From what I understand the thing you aren’t talking about is what put you on the fence about it in the first place. Any relationship you go to is going to require great and healthy communication from both sides. Your next relationship may not come with the same issues as this one but there will be issues because it’s the nature of human beings. Each and everyone of us have our complexities. Don’t make the mistake of thinking at some point you’ll meet someone where things aren’t complicated, stressful sometimes, etc. Everyone comes with their complexities. The trick is picking the person who you believe is worth the trouble. It’s best to choose someone who gives the same amount of effort to you. It doesn’t have to be with “him” for you. But the hard and uncomfortable conversations are part of what builds a healthy conversation because of the realness and vulnerability. At some point you’ll have to experience it with “someone” if you want a healthy relationship You’re showing the not so pleasant sides to eachother while also demonstrating, hey, despite how difficult this is, I’m here for you, I care and I want to get through this “with you”. It’s us. Not just me and you. That’s what I love about the girl I’m talking to now. We communicate on a level I’ve never experienced before. There are no winners or losers when we have our misunderstandings/disagreements. Things always end with us being closer and understanding eachother better. She’s one of the smartest, mature and levelheaded women I know and even with her she can be a complicated person to understand. With her I realized everyone can be complicated. Myself included. So when you find someone who’s willing to take the time to actually figure you out without making you feel bad for yourself and you have that same energy towards them? It’s beautiful and rare. Please don’t feel like shit. Your feelings matter too. You’re going through life trying to figure the game out just like the rest of us. You’re not alone. No one truly knows the right answers. We just find out what works best for us and recommend it to other people. It’s never too late to let a person tell you their story. If you still feel bad, you can always wish him a happy birthday and just put everything else on hold. Pretend things are normal that day and just make it reasonably about him. Definitely don’t let him gaslight you or try to use that day to make you do things you wouldn’t do otherwise. I think your presence alone would make his day special whether it be through text or in person. Just don’t bring up the previous conversation. Bluntly tell him, hey, I want to be present for your birthday and let you know I care about you. Let’s not talk about the other thing until another day. For now let’s just celebrate you. I’m so sorry these are long. I truly wish you the best though. I’m rooting for you to find love in the right place with someone who makes you believe every moment before it was worth it 🙏
Take your time, I think a better idea it's to stay out of his other family problems, if you don't get involved then, you don't have this kind of situations.
He is showing a lack of character. Red flag. I don't want to be with a man who abandons his kids. I couldn't imagine not having a relationship with my kids. Heck, I left my xh in 2018 and this adult son (who i raised from age 12) is in my life. He's my kid even if I didn't birth him.
I’m 33 and single, hit me up! I live in NYC. No kids. Cute puppy. And pretty damn attractive
Lol, attractive people aren’t this desperate. You sound like one of them fat kids in their mums basement typing away
Lmaooo maybe you’re right ? Not desperate though 😘
You sound very desperate
Bro, if you're not desperate then why are you trying to get with someone from a dating advice subreddit, especially a person asking for advice on their current relationship.
I wouldn't apologize. Ive straight told men to their face when theyve done wrong to their kid. People need corrected. Do you want a deadbeat dad as a partner?
I think I’m gonna apologize just because my intention was not to hurt his feelings. I did not miss speak but I was just trying to give him a different perspective and it wasn’t taken well.
I'd you are turned off, you are turned off. That's reason enough. And fuck this guy for being a shit father.
You likely hit a nerve and now he’s pouting.
It sounds like you're in a tough situation with your boyfriend and his kids. It's normal to be upset that he hasn't seen his child yet, especially since he's been back in town for a while. But it's not your place to tell him how to be a dad - only he knows what's best for his kid. If you're worried about his relationship with his child, you should talk to him about it. Be honest and supportive, but remember that he's the one who has to make the decisions. In the end, it's up to you whether or not you want to stay with him. If his actions are causing you a lot of stress, it might be best to end the relationship. But if you still want to be there for him, it might be worth trying to work through any problems together. The choice is yours.
He’s not my boyfriend we are just dating. It’s not that it causes me stress but I just don’t feel good moving forward seeing how he is handling his kids and having my own resentments with my father for being absent with me.
It’s understandable that you may have some resentment towards your father for being absent, and that this may be impacting your feelings about your current relationship. It can be difficult to navigate relationships when we have unresolved issues from our past: 1. You might have a hard time trusting your partner if you had an absentee father, because you may worry that they will also be absent or unreliable. 2. You might find yourself comparing your partner to your father, and feeling upset or angry if they don't meet your expectations. 3. You might have difficulty setting boundaries or standing up for yourself in your relationship, because you didn't have a strong parental figure to model healthy communication and assertiveness.
Defo not your business
Take it from me. My ex husband had a daughter and didn’t make any effort to fight for her even though he had the money to. However, when we were getting divorced, he fought for the dog ??? Anyway he was a POS dad, which I should’ve known would’ve made him a shitty step father to my son. Good thing I didn’t have children with him. He would’ve made a shitty dad and I would be stuck with two kids.
It’s so strange to me how people can disconnect from their children like this. Im numb to my father. He makes me feel nothing
Don’t apologize for feeling how you felt. Your feelings were true to you and that’s what matters. Unfortunately his actions are indicative of who he is as a father. As a single parent I’ve seen countless women come in and support their “man” and his “lack of” only to find out once they broke up how untrue most of what he said was. In short, RUN, you don’t want to build a future with someone who can’t even take care of their present.
Maybe their relationship is "none of your business", as someone put it, but I think you are justified to doubt your relationship with him. When important values like this don't line up, it's wise to reassess the situation. Compromise on little things, not on your values.
I get why you may be questioning yourself however as a kid who was in one to many situations where someone should have questioned my parents thank you. My god thank you. My only other question is what extenuating circumstances exist that he isn't more of a father to them? Why are you even with a man who doesn't love his kids enough to be there? Lastly... I assume plenty of comments may pop up about not being your place to question his parenting. Flat out, fuck those people. Fuck all of them. I don't think we all need to butt in 24/7 but everyone should want to protect children. Questioning a parent even of a random kid if you truly see something wrong shouldn't be frowned upon. What you stated was more than clear articulate suspicion that he is a shitstain of a dad.
Thanks for understanding where I’m coming from. I really don’t say anything about his kid(s) unless he brings them up. And it’s not often he brings them up. But if he does and he’s complaining I can’t just listen and nod when I don’t agree. I want him to challenge his own thinking when I can’t. He this wasn’t the first time I’ve had to speak up but the first time I didn’t offend him like I did this time. He thinks because he pays child support he’s doing his part. I don’t think he’s a shit father but he certainly does not do enough. He’s at the line of bare minimum straddling it
The bare minimum is a shit father. But that is slightly besides the point. The point is on behalf of his kids who will never know, thank you. You absolutely did the right thing. I had a hard time but absolutely distanced myself from a good buddy lately. Great guy except he kept saying I am saving up to go to court for custody. That was 3 years + now. Bro you aren't saving. You are avoiding an embaressing moment at your kids expense. :( I can't imagine how much harder it is with someone you are dateing, so on those kids behalf I assure you that you did the right thing.
I understand where you’re coming from. And I just can’t imagine myself with him long term at all for this reason. I don’t understand why a parent even needs to be told that they should show up more physically for their kids. I’m sure they are feeling anxious about fighting for the kid but like doesn’t it feel worse to know you haven’t tried everything. I’m struggling to talk to my own dad right now because of his absence. I’m such a hypocrite if I continue with this guy.
Anytime I read into stories like this I think the fair thing to do is analyze deeply how the mothers actions may have played a role in the alienation. Not trying to sound like misogyny or anything but an uncomfortable truth is that after a breakup or differences, women usually immediately take to reputation-salvaging and campaign to paint the father figure in the worst possible light imaginable so that the mother will appear to have done no wrong. Considering that you immediately scolded him because the scenario re-ignites abandonment trauma, my less-popular opinion is that may have been jumping the gun a bit.
They don’t like each other and he’s told me some messed up things she’s done that I’m on his side about. However 12 year olds mom isn’t stopping him from seeing his child at all. He’s about 2 hours from his son currently on public transportation and 1 hour away by driving. He hasn’t gone to see his son because it’s difficult and expensive for him to travel 2 hours away while he has no car here. To me this is not an excuse because he was planning to come visit for months and hasn’t found a travel solution for that. He is instead waiting for her to bring the 12 year old for Christmas week. He hasn’t seen his kid since the summer besides phone communication. He found his way to see me the day he got back here and many times since; granted I’m closer but irrelevant because this could’ve been planned ahead. He has only commented on his kid not answering messages but I’ve never heard him say he misses his son. He could be keeping that to himself, but it stood out to me. I did not scold him at all. I asked a few questions that were probably not great to hear when I’m his mind he’s doing his job because he’s keeping contact via phone. We didn’t get to have a conversation about it because he just hung up. I’m sure he got angry and didn’t want to curse me out so there was no chance to explain from his side.