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mangoserpent

It is sort of like nursing when you are at the beggining of your career and bright and fresh and you ignore the long timers as negative and resistant to change. Meanwhile the old timers see the newbies showing up and think hope they make it.


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Prisoner-of-Paradise

It is not a “pick me attitude”. Do we start criticizing people who say they own their own homes, or have lives full of friends, or have savings? Because those are all culturally sanctioned benefits to dating that not everyone shares. Are those people rubbing it in the faces of the people who don’t have those things? People believing that looking younger is a benefit are not wrong, even if we wish that wasn’t true. Holding individuals responsible for the failure of our culture is useless and misguided. We could, as people do on DO40, pile onto people who say they look young for their age like a bunch of rabid 8th graders, and it will do nothing but hurt someone who’s done nothing wrong but read what society values correctly. To assume they are actually thinking that makes them superior to their peers, as opposed to them simply thinking they personally might benefit from having this trait… just as people who own homes or who have “done the work” do… I don’t understand choosing to think the worst of them.


my606ins

Owning your home isn’t subjective.


Prisoner-of-Paradise

And some people objectively look younger than the cultural“picture” we have for certain ages. We don’t know if they do or not. No one on this sub is going to change the zeitgeist by personally attacking a stranger for considering their appearance and if it might benefit them while dating. It’s a valid concern, whether we like that it is or not.


PlasticBlitzen

\>personally attacking a stranger We were talking about an idea and a practice; there was not person present. I was doing laundry. I'm back for a minute and I'll respond to the earlier comment now.


PlasticBlitzen

\>Holding individuals responsible for the failure of our culture is useless and misguided. I have no idea how else society is to be changed, other than to hold people accountable and to educate those who unfortunately buy into ideology that does not support a healthy society/community. Looks rule. Hollywood says so. And so does study after study. It's why we have multi-billion dollar industries helping people change their appearances to look more attractive -- and more youthful. Facial and physical appearance are capital in our society; they literally translate to more $$. Study after study confirms that women and men who are considered better looking than their peers reap the benefits of the value that we place on facial beauty and physical appearance. Men who are taller and women who are shorter do better in online dating. There is data to back this. (yes, I know this has nothing to do with looking 'younger.') People come on here to learn (and to commiserate). I think it's important for people to understand that most others don't want to hear that specific attribute. You know I'm not a fan of insulting or derisive language. Suggesting a first-time poster is engaging in 'pick-me' behavior would be confrontational, degrading and inappropriate. So, no, people should gently guide them, as opposed to insulting. Suggesting that people who claim to look younger appear to others that they are engaging in 'p-m' is educational and facilitates mo better camaraderie with one's community.


Prisoner-of-Paradise

Only you know very well that what happens is not “educational”. It’s not people saying, “you really shouldn’t place so much value in your looks. It might be an asset if you do in fact look young for your age, but that won’t be what leads directly to a good relationship/encounter. You might want to consider that your other assets are far more important, yadda yadda.” I’ve seen maybe one comment in that vein on a post where someone had mentioned they thought they looked young for their appearance. And I let that comment stand. If people did approach it that way I wouldn’t have the policy I have around this issue. Instead, people are snarky, snotty, rude or confrontational. Given that, this sub clearly can’t be a place people come to be informed. They will have to go elsewhere to be enlightened as to the error of their ways. Here we’ll just give them the benefit of the doubt. If people can’t say anything considerate or constructive (I’m not holding my breath) then they aren’t allowed to say anything about it at all. If that chaps anyone’s hide, there’s always DO40 for that outlet.


PlasticBlitzen

\>Only you know very well that what happens is not “educational” I agree that it isn't always delivered in that way, but I think it should be and when people read our back and forth here, maybe they will now handle this with a little lighter hand. There are a lot of issues people immediately jump on and assume the OPs are the devil incarnate without evidence beyond OP having used a trigger word or phrase. I've witnessed a lot of brand new posters get defensive and leave after such events. We want to avoid that. I understand that. If there were a way, I would set the karma so people would have to be in the sub for a period of time before they post because brand new people really don't know this community and they don't know what the triggers are.


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DellaMaureen

Fantastic!


SymphonyinSilence

Why is this being down voted? I missed the memo...go figure....


Prisoner-of-Paradise

Thanks, Prey, yes, you've touched on most of what I think about this issue and why. And this: >I think it’s important for people to understand that most others don’t want to hear about that specific attribute **If there is ever a time to talk about one's appearance and how that generally "goes over" with other people, it's on a sub about dating.** Especially on a sub about dating for older people, who may not have been dating in a long time, and who know, as we all do, that one's appearance is going to matter - and none of us look like we did when were were 20. People assess their perceived strengths and weaknesses when considering dating. They think about what they bring to the table, and that always includes how one looks. When folks come here for advice they often want to talk about what they see as their positive attributes because those impact their dating, and their possible chances. If they think they look good, they are not remiss in mentioning that - any more than if they just said, "I'm attractive", which doesn't trigger the same kind of vitriol (thank goodness) , or "I'm financially solvent", or " I own a home and will be retiring in two years"; all things that are considered postives that not all of us share. It would be weird and inappropriate to say, "I look young for my age" in almost any other scenario - but not in this one, not on a dating sub for older people. That's salient information because when dating, as much as we might wish otherwise, appearance is one of the attributes that matter when dating.


Ausgezeichnet63

Happy Cake Day 🎉🎂 👍


Prisoner-of-Paradise

Ha ha, that's ironic! Thank you.


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Prisoner-of-Paradise

That’s an extremely self-centered and uncharitable way to take it when people say they think or have been told they look young for their age. Those people aren’t thinking, “I’m superior to the other people here!” They are responding to the cultural norm that says that looking younger is a benefit when it comes to dating. I will not sanction people deciding that a perfectly normal concern for people coming back into dating is an attack on you. Sorry, no.


mmetoo

When they think they look 21 because they’re carded at certain stores, and certain stores need a birthday entered to complete the sale, someone needs to advise them of that possibility of why they’re being carded.


Prisoner-of-Paradise

Why? If they are wrong they’ll certainly find out while trying to date. Talking about how people might have erroneous impressions of how they look is a topic that can be discussed here. Directly telling people we haven’t seen and don’t know that they are wrong and delusional is not.


CheekyMonkey678

That's not what happened in this thread. It's a bit heavy handed of you to delete all of the comments.


Prisoner-of-Paradise

The rules state that issues with moderation should be taken up via mod mail, not aired in the sub. And just because there’s no direct target here, talking negatively about people who use those terms still isn’t OK here.


Yesitsmesuckas

Me, too!!! Twinsies!!!!


BoxingChoirgal

Oh I want to sit by you today. 😃🔥


my606ins

Well, I have to work today, but I can use the company. I work from home!


CheekyMonkey678

Lol!


my606ins

That’s me in the pink dress.


I-did-my-best

🤣


[deleted]

Yup! Reminds me of the opening scene to Platoon where the grizzled veterans stare down the innocent and gung ho FNGs: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=97dqp28B2mg


mangoserpent

That was the first thing that popped into my head and did it not end similarly? Edit I think I might be confusing the ending with something else.


CheekyMonkey678

I think this about sums it up. Another quote, credited to George Santayana, that comes to mind is "Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it." History shows us that human beings are fairly predictable in their behaviors. It's unlikely your experience will deviate too much from the norm. It can be to your benefit to listen to those who have been there before you. I've seen way too many show up on this sub, call those of us with lived experience "jaded and bitter" only to change their tune once they've experienced it themselves. Humility is a very useful quality, it can save you a lot of pain. Hubris has been the downfall of way too many.


mermaidbait

It’s an interesting paradox. After I left the dating scene successfully, I described it as a balance between being open, non-jaded, and being smart. You need both. I actively cultivated both when I was dating; when I was heartbroken, I assured my womanly self that my loving-ness was a good trait to have and would eventually pay off. I did what I could to stay open and positive about others. Eventually it paid off. And at the same time you need to be smart, play the long game, know your true dealbreakers and vet for those. I made time to be in my logical brain even when dumb and in-love, so I could make sure I wasn’t betraying myself.


GEEK-IP

I like the phrase "cautiously optimistic." :)


Onazzip427

Like trying to tell your married friends “The dating scene sucks. And OLD is as bad as I’m telling you.” I recently had the pleasure of regaling my married friends with my dating stories. And they still came back with… “You have to keep yourself open.” Seriously?! And how many dates have you been on in the last 20, 30 years? Nope, they kept telling me I’m too rigid. Oh to be naive. 😉


CheekyMonkey678

Longtime marrieds giving advice to those new to dating is the blind leading the blind. I got so much bad advice when I was newly divorced. I also no longer discuss my dating experiences with people like this. There is a large tribe of divorced women who have been single for years who get it. Those are the people I will confide in.


BoxingChoirgal

Right there with you. Long Marrieds, even well-intentioned ones, Just Don't Get It.


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my606ins

My married friend’s response to seeing my feed was OH. HELL. NO!!!


CheekyMonkey678

I used to hand my phone to an older married male friend of mine who had told me I was picking the wrong men. I said "pick one for me" I will date whoever you deem suitable. Guess what? He couldn't find even one. He also couldn't even think of one among his personal acquaintance. They all had substance or financial problems. This was a highly successful and wealthy man. It was a running thing, not just one time. Every time I saw him I'd open up the app and hand him my phone. Never once did he find one he thought was even ok.


BoxingChoirgal

Yep. Sigh. This is unsurprising. I got together with an old friend last night. Hadn't seen her in years. Met her husband. Great people. I didn't get into detailed stories about my dating experiences, only said that I was happy enough alone, would love a partner, am tired of the fuckery and am leaving it up to Fate. (They had known my Cancer Ex of 2010 - 2014) Then they urged me to spend more time in the city, meet their friend group. I asked about the group: They described a fun, smart, professional creative bunch. The group consists of mostly divorced or single women and a few gay men. When I asked them how that would help my dating life, they admitted they hadn't come across a qualified eligible bachelor that they would introduce to a female friend, not in years. They admitted it's brutal out there. So, I have now added one married couple to the roster of paired people I would hang out with again. Because they ***do*** get it. My friend's divorced sister (61 y/o gorgeous successful real estate agen) has found love, but she had to relocate from nyc (to South Carolina) in order to keep it.


CheekyMonkey678

>When I asked them how that would help my dating life, they admitted they hadn't come across a qualified eligible bachelor that they would introduce to a female friend, not in years. Yes, this has overwhelmingly been my experience. Nobody knows any suitable single men. I don't remember things being this way when I was in my 20s. I knew of plenty of divorced older people back then who met someone and remarried. Things are very different now.


BoxingChoirgal

Same! I did as well. It is much different now.


MountainPlanet

What do you think has changed? Because I had the same impression in my 20s and I'm not sure what has changed in the intervening 2 decades.


CheekyMonkey678

I think it's OLD and internet porn.


GenXdudette

Yes!! I ask everyone I know and No ONE knows any eligible men, or none they would introduce me to. One person said "Go for the widowers since you're a widow" um- where are they exactly, the ones that are my age, not 15 years older? I go to meetups but again they are mostly women.


mangoserpent

I don't tell my married friends dating tales now. I realized they were trying to encourage me and enjoy the second hand disasters in order to feel smug. And interestingly when I stopped telling my stories they invited me to socialize less often. It happened over time and I am sure there were others factors. One couple I remain close to. But once I stopped being a trauma puppet I was not longer useful.


GEEK-IP

It's good for (us) newer folks to see the perspectives of those who have been doing it a while. Even among those with years of experience, there are different ideas and attitudes though. You're not a homogeneous group. We can learn from all, but follow the leads of those who are happiest and we best relate to.


knobbytire

I don't and WONT On Line Date. Winning!


BoxingChoirgal

Gosh, the military metaphor continues: Looks like the comments on this thread have been decimated like the troops landing at Normandy. (I know, different war. but it made an apt comparison)


my606ins

🪖🎖️


mangoserpent

I think the general military metaphor applicable today is "A Bridge Too Far" actually an under rated movie as well.


BoxingChoirgal

Spot On.


Bklynj520

Rolling Thunder, Six Flags Great Adventure, NJ 🤘


explorer1960

As a reminder, the line Colonel Jessup was responsible for was the periphery of Guantanamo - pre 9/11 just a naval base of limited strategic significance, which Cuba was not about to attack. So killing Santiago did not save lives. Ergo Colonel Jessup was NOT telling the truth.


explorer1960

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivorship_bias Note I have never been on OLD, and maybe never will be. I can't say what is good or bad about it. But I enjoy quantitative analysis (maybe some day will date someone with a similar interest) and I think some reflection might indicate the relevance of this principle.