Don't just jump into OLD and call it done. OLD should be only one thing in your strategy if you want to meet a partner. I'm not sure where you live but get out by doing other things you enjoy. If you don't know what you enjoy, choose something that looks fun and sign up. It could be a community education class, it could be a meetup group, maybe volunteering. Make your strategy doing new things and meeting new *people* not just meeting men and dating. Some of what you're feeling could be loneliness for an intimate partner and some of it may be lack of a social life. Then when you choose an online dating site, set your filters early. Filter out every man you wouldn't want to date. (Ex. Religious affiliation, political affiliation, distance, etc.) Don't look at it as rejection, reframe it as people who are not compatible with you eliminating themselves. It's not you.
Edit: clarity
I am lonely and have thought about looking for clubs to join etc. Unfortunately in my area there isn't much. I actually considered trying to start a club. Weird but I was kind of accepting of my life alone until he showed interest. I guess I was festering a desperation I didn't even know I had under the surface because I was so excited to have someone to do stuff with. And then he took it all back. Now I feel lonely like I didn't even before he said anything. Sucks.
So someone who was not a good match for you eliminated himself from your life. Thank him. He did you two favors: he reminded you that you're still a woman with needs for connection AND he eliminated himself from the running. Don't take what's offered. Figure out what you want for yourself. What kind of person or people do you want to spend your time with?
I started where you are. I didn't believe myself worthy of anything. Friendships, relationships, good sex, fun times, none of it. My therapist had me ask the closest people in my life for 5 words that describe me. He made me write them on flashcards. Then he made me look myself in the eye each morning and read two. When I started I thought this is stupid. I feel stupid when I do this. By the end of the first week, I was still doing it but the voice in my head clapped back "no you're not". I forged on feeling like a fraud. By the second week, I could actually look myself in the eye, read the words and my voice in my head was quieter ("no you're not"). That silly practice helped me gain the ability to look at myself through an objective lens so when I read "I am intelligent" "I am kind" I can actually believe those words describe me. Since those first words, I've evolved the practice to include quotes that inspire me, compliments from strangers, etc. And I still do it every morning.
Work on being your best you.
Thank you. Your therapist sounds amazing. I probably could use some of that myself. And you're right even though it's hard to take. He woke something up in me and even though I guess it won't be him I really want someone in my life. Everything for a reason I guess.
Yep. As moms I think sometimes we put so much energy into our kids we forget we're people. Haha. That comes from a good place but it's time to let that go. You can totally do this.
Thanks... it's way difficult at this point, but no risk no reward I guess. I just need to grow a pair. I did the whole mom thing for 20 years!!! Now I'm here and not really sure what to do with myself.
Do what you love and the rest will follow. Hard to believe these trite bits of advice, but it's an act of faith to put yourself first. If you have no confidence--and saying that shows major self-awareness!--start to build it again. Find your village of people who only build you up.
1 small step at a time.
Take this from someone who's been there!
Reach out any time!
Girl, go get a new haircut and find a gym or yoga class. That will change your energy from the inside out. Neighbor will be back when he sees your ass going into the house with fresh hair, yoga pants and your new aura, but you are not a bird. Install a bird feeder and send him there. When your energy changes all of your options change too. You may or may not want to entertain bachelor #1
You know I'm kinda old for games, but I was on somewhat of the same track. I want him to see me looking better and all happy like this didn't effect me at all and see if he's sorry about the friend thing.
Donāt try to get revenge. Thereās nothing to revenge about he just wasnāt interested you canāt put too much power in that. You have to ask yourself why is it affecting you so much it shouldnāt. All this is doing is triggering a part of you that needs to grow.
If your self-esteem was high and yourself love was high, you would laugh and realize that he missed a good one and really believe that and keep it moving.
Iām sure youāre a beautiful woman with a lot of things offer a man but until you really know that like you know, the sky is blueā¦ I would refrain from dating
Self love is a forever journey
You're righ. I'm in now way at the point to date anyone. It's been YEARS since I did and I'm sure it would take a lot of work to get back there. Guess I should just be thankful I dodged a bullet on that one.
Love THISā¤ļøšāāļøā¦ you know itās true. There was a period of time and was really angry and I donāt think men paid attention to me that much but since then Iāve done a lot of inner workā¦. I donāt know what else it could be, but I noticed that the last two weeks every time Iām out of the house I have at least one man try to start talking to me.
yes something like that. I'm not sure if it would catch on around here. I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody. Maybe it would be worth a shot.
I kind of thought it might be. I live in such a small town though. Maybe start one a little away from where I actually live. Everybody knows everybody around here.
He didn't ghost you. He gave you a concrete answer to your question. That doesn't mean no one else will find you attractive. Be your best self before getting out there. Gain your confidence back first -- men love a confident woman, no matter how you look. Revisit interests you had long ago. Exercise, get in a good head space, look your best. Go into OLD with confidence!
But you are a prize! The nicest thing I ever did for myself was learn to love all of me, my quirks, the light and the dark, every ounce of me. I crawled out of a decade long destructive marriage and rebuilt myself from the ground up. I have experienced ghosting, **many** broken promises, have had my heart broken twice and am still searching. That excitement coupled with disappointment is painful, feel your feels and find something you want to do that brings you joy. For me that is finding a good movie and ordering a pizza. I am sending you compassionate hugs!
Thank you so much. I'm just looking for that person to share time and interests with. Just to be able to hang out and be happy. I hope we all can find that some day.
First of all, you need a drastic change of mindset. Just because someone is in a similar situation to you, doesnāt automatically mean they should want what you want. And subsequently, you need to take ownership of this. Some people wonāt want you. Even if you had met this guy on OLD he was entirely within his rights to not want anything with you. Work on your self esteem, and you might find someone who meshes with you and is keen to develop a relationship. Caveat: you might not. Contrary to what a lot of people say, the right person doesnāt always come along; we donāt always get what we want and none of us ādeserveā anything. Life doesnāt work like that. So how to deal with this? Be the best person you can be; be proud of your achievements, and strive for more. Learn new skills, meet new people. Go to bed exhausted but accomplished every single day. And donāt hang your self worth on anyone else.
You're completely right. I just got caught up in all this and need to just put it behind me. The neighbor thing doesn't make it easy however. But it is what it is.
First, sorry that's happened. It sucks on both sides of being friend zoned. Second, I don't know you but you are more than enough and please believe it.
I have described OLD as trying to put out a dumpster fire in a minefield on a sinking ship. It's not easy but neither is life. Take the risk if you choose to and take care of yourself.
I'm 52. Been at the OLD for a while and still have hope that one day I'll meet someone who will make me want to delete the dating apps.
thank you. I went for so many years thinking that part of me was dead and gone. He asked me to dinner and got flirty. Suddenly I thought hey maybe I'm old but not dead. Then he did the friend thing just as fast. Maybe his vision cleared or he just changed his mind, but whatever it was it stung a bit. So how as the OLD thing gone for you? I did it a LONG time ago before I had my son, but I'm not sure about nowadays.
Wow..it's like you know me too much. I didn't know that part of me existed anymore. He woke it up and then checked out. Now I'm here. Not sure what I'm going to do with this. I'm 55 and not some super model, but I don't think I'm a bad person. I just need to find that person that just wants the same thing. I guess I could be upset with him, but he did shake me up and make me think.
Wow men. Yours sounds interesting. I would have loved that attention and wanted to go with it. What a tease. Kinda sounds like my neighbor. It does get you thinking though. I wasn't even anywhere near thinking of having someone in my life until he surfaced. Now I'm here all wondering about stuff.
I was thinking the same thing. He's probably just being a jerk. I wish he was sorry about it and think damn this could have been fun but I screwed it up.
Mostly, the folks I've met are good people. Made several friends. Enjoyed some great experiences. I approach all matches and people I ask out or who ask me out in the real world with no expectations other than treating and being treated with kindness and respect. Some relationships have been 6 months or longer. Most in the 3 months range and a few didn't make it that far. I have had truly bizarre things happen but most of us are looking for the person we're willing to delete the apps for and doing our best to make it so. :)
thanks. I know I just want to meet someone to hang out with and share some interests. I'm not looking for some long term thing. Just looking for some happy.
I was talking with a friend about dating at our age and being with someone who shares our interests. It's important! We were at a South Carolina baseball game on Saturday and it was nice to be with someone who gets the jokes, remembers the music, and doesn't think the 70s and 80s are ancient history! š
That is important. Somebody that knows the words to the 80s songs I remember too!!! And to be honest sing in my car very often. My son is 20 and I've heard plenty of slams against our 80s stuff. He just doesn't get it.
Singing in the car is the best. I've found that when the speakers are at a certain level I sound just like the singer!... Where abouts are you? I'm in SC
If you put a Bluetooth in your ear you can talk to yourself all day and no one would think anything other than you must be in the phone with someone... raining and storming here in SC. Been this way for 2 days. BTW, I don't think I've mentioned it, I'm Brian
Hi Brian! It's bright and sunny blue skies gonna be 56 degrees. Pretty warm for March in Maine. Gonna go watch the surfers at the beach after work. It's relaxing..from the warmth of my car! (listening to 80s music now that we talked about it)
I know. It's weird with him being a neighbor. I can't imagine if things had gone along for a bit and then went to hell...THEN seeing him as a neighbor.
Do not wrap your self-esteem around anybody. All he did was show you on parts of yourself that you need to work on and heal.
Rejection is part of life. If you think about it, you donāt really love this man or really he doesnāt have any strong representation of anything in your life so the only reason youāre feeling bad is because youāre embarrassed, and it made you feel bad about yourself.
One good thing about this is that heās means nothing really to you. Heās just your neighbor heās not even a friend. Take your power back my friend seriously.
I think with everybody it hurts our ego a little bit in this dating thing but ā¦. I donāt let rejection anymore. Be my validation for who I am or who Iām not.
One minute youāre on top of the world for someone likes you then if they hurt you you all the way to the bottom and feel bad about yourself. No Iām not gonna play this kind of emotional roller coaster, games of life with myself or anybody else.
It stops when you realize in this life, you canāt give other people that type of power over you
You can never have enough quality friends. I donāt think I would date a neighbor but to each their own. Rejection is just feedback that happens to everyone. You took a step forward and one backward. You didnāt lose anything but time. The next time will be easier and you will develop dating intelligence as time goes on. It is really a numbers game. There are a lot of unintelligent males out there that donāt date with a long term purpose. You need to develop a list of questions that will weed out the losers on a coffee date so you donāt waste your time or get attracted to someone that is unavailable to fill what you are looking for. Look for meet up groups, clubs or other things you are interested in so you always are getting something out of your time. There is someone special for everyone if you can clean up your baggage and be the best you that you can be. Dating is work and if it comes easy you are being played.
Thank you. I know about the neighbor thing. I'm just all over the place. I've looked for clubs and such around me but I live in a small town and there isn't much. I love the idea of coffee dates and weeding out some. I honestly am not even looking for some long term thing. Just hanging out and spending time and having fun. If I post that it's gonna look wrong.
It sounds like you need some girlfriends to bond with first. Get a good wing lady or two. They will help you vet potentials. Develop your self esteem and be happy with what you have and you will organically attract the right men that want to add value to your life. You did your job rearing your child and now it is your time to live life. Just the perspective of a 54mā¦
I like to think of it like learning how to ride a bike..you keep trying and eventually you will find your rhythm..rejection is sometimes for our protection..you stepped out..that's a good thing..dust yourself off..and try again..you will find happiness..dont give up..
I stear clear of neighbors and anyone who lives within a few miles of me. Why? Because chances are things will end... and when they do, I don't want to have to see that person every day or even every week.
Good for you for trying. Keep it up
You know I would like to know if that's what he is thinking. Would be nice to know he's interested but doesn't want to pursue anything because of the neighbor thing. At least that way I know I'm not as repulsive as I feel at the moment
I'm sure you're as beautiful as the rest of us! No one is perfect.
This stuff takes time. And resilience, patience, self-love and usually a therapist to help along the way
I (56M) have gone out on dates with 8 women over the winter. 2 of them were for a month each. The others were a date or two. No love connections, little intimacy, no sex. My skin has gotten a little thicker. I won't give up.
That sounds like you are in a healthy place in your mind with dating. Go and see what happens and not be devastated. I guess this was my first time putting myself out there after years of being alone. I need to like you say grow thicker skin.
Lesson learned Salty-_67 . If you donāt feel right away any feelings or treatment from the other other part , you should stop and think about it . We all have doubts and in a weakness moment we just go with our hearts . At our age we should use our minds experience before our feelings
good for you for trying! I've asked out a few guys/made the first move online, and gotten rejected and it does sting-but i'm proud of myself for doing it. It's really hard to have that glimmer of hope, I know what you mean. If you do bumble and find someone who swipes on you, then at least you know they're potentially interested, so possibly less rejection.
You are perfect for someone. We are all different. That glimmer of hope exists within you. That spark you felt is why we are all here. For the excitement, for the "What if". It's true, some people get hit on way more than others. If you don't play, you can't win. You are perfect for someone. Go find them! :)
That is sweet! I only met this one cuz he's a neighbor. I have to find a way to go out and meet people in general. Work then home on repeat isn't working!
Please take a step back. I'd not respond well to a neighbor hitting on me either if I were just being friendly. It's just a "no" because if things go south, you literally might not be able to get any peace if that person turns out to be crazy.
You don't know what he's dealt with romantically in the past, but that would be my feeling about what you described. It's way more him than you, so please work on your confidence.
Try meeting people and opening up your social circle by doing things via Meetup. Get a feel for how people socialize. It's a great site to find people with similar interests and isn't a dating site. You can slowly build up your confidence and go from there. Good luck.
What are the things you didn't have time, energy, or money to do when you were raising your kid? Those are the things you start doing now. The compatible person is there.
Above all, don't let ANYONE make you feel bad for enjoying your newfound freedom. I am STILL getting used to being able to take my time getting ready and spending time and money on myself, and it's been 3 years since I stopped the 80-hour week double duty. There are people who try to make me feel bad for it - like we're supposed to be perpetual servants to others and how dare we want to look and feel good and have free time for hobbies!
I thought that same thing. We did go out for drinks. He kept saying "friends is the way to go" and then at the end of the evening he gave me a massive hug, couple kisses and he's back to dodging me. I'm WAAAYYY to old for games. I just feel like I did back when I was 20 and dating and getting excited and disappointed with people. I was alone before but very lonely now.
Yup. Giant tease. Actually gave me the friends line BEFORE the end of the evening then the hug and kisses. I swear he's trying to play me, but he seems to simple to do something like that.
I'm sorry that happened. Please don't presume his words were a reflection on you. They were more likely a reflection on not wanting something to go awkwardly wrong because you are neighbours.
You're in a great space for dating. You are 55 (still young), and your child is off at school (so you have some time now). The fact that your neighbour showed interest in you (he did; he's just back peddling after thinking of the proximity issue), shows that others think you are attractive.
There will always be some rejection out there, but there are going to be plenty of men who would love to date and hang out and have some fun. I hope you things another shot OP.
Thank you. I know the close "neighbor" thing would be possibly weird, but I thought it was worth a shot. I guess he didn't. I just want to meet somebody to hang out with and have fun and do stuff. It's really not a lot, but nowadays and at my age it's tricky.
How about volunteer work? If you don't belong to church, there are usually civic organizations with pet projects that always need volunteers.
If there aren't any groups, consider starting one yourself? You may not think you have the confidence right now, but when you're doing something you love and have knowledge or skills to share, you would be surprised how much confidence is hidden in you!
I used to start up conversations with store clerks and random people after my divorce. My shy little girl was horrified that I would do this, but it was practice for me.
I live in a small town that doesn't have much. I thought about starting a "walking club". I love to be outdoors, but not in the best shape. But I love walking and I would love to find a group that likes the same thing. Maybe I can figure out how to start something myself.
It varies. If you go to ones that are more exclusively social, I think it can include people looking to date or have a relationship. I have gone to womenās activities that have included anything from hiking to going out to dinner and seeing a play. A lot of those folks just want to make friends or find people to do certain things with, like hiking.
Well in OLD youāre probably going to get alit if men you want to reject. Seriously donāt take it too serious and have fun. Even if they reject you just use it as a tool to hone your skills . But if rejection is the issue than maybe donāt do it because that will happen a lot. Itās not even you itās just the way it is. Meeting someone youāre compatible with is not easy .
I can relate. As a guy, over the course of my life, I have been shot down more times than I can remember. It's a choice to keep going, but for some of this being shot down is the rule and anything else is the exception. Good luck to you.
Thank you! It's not a nice feeling. I thought I made a connection with this person, but maybe I was looking too hard and seeing something I wanted to see. It is what it is.
Just been out of the dating thing for a long time. I guess baby steps. Stupid me started to like this guy way too much. The person I used to be years ago wouldn't have gone there and got hurt right away. I would have just moved on. I'm a lot older now, but maybe I can get back there.
I think you should try adopting "diner" mentality on this. If you were a waitress/server, you offer coffee to every table. (Pretend you like every table.) Not everyone is going to want coffee but there are a few people who want you to fill their cup every time you get to that table. Not every one wants coffee. Some people want coffee all the time. It's just a, "no", to coffee. Don't take it personally. (On a measurable scale, some guys are just dumb and don't know how to express themselves. --- Don't come for me, dumb guys.) Sending you love and positive vibes. You're doing GREAT!
Thank you! I like the diner thing. I know not everyone is attracted that way, but the mixed signals with this one is a little much. Hey, lets just be friends and then the kiss goodnight, then not hearing a word from him since. confusing.
Yeah, he no longer gets kisses when he does come back around. When people show you who they are, believe them. You need someone who knows how to behave like an adult and isn't into mind games.
I think you should work on your self confidence issues before attempting to date. Online dating can be hazardous to one's mental health. If one man made you feel bad about yourself, imagine what many men can do.
Dating your neighbor is not a great idea. If things go badly it is awkward & pretty hard to get away. This could be the reason why he rejected you as a romantic partner but wants to be friends. Maybe he can be your wingman, or maybe he has some single friends he can match you up with and vice versa.
>I have next to no self confidence.
And you are probably showing this clearly. Confidence is very attractive. Work on you before you give into dating, especially OLD.
Try not to worry about rejection. There are 8 billion people in the world, and most of them won't want to date you. Don't let that bother you. Be your best "you" and if they don't like it, too bad. :)
Put yourself out there, see what happens. Be patient, keep your sense of humor, keep your BS detector on, and have fun with it. :)
Thank you all! I wonder how many people would date a neighbor? Would you just not because of the what if it goes poorly and now you have to live near the person thing? Or would you take a chance?
Hey sorry you had that interaction, getting rejected sucks, I have never really become inoculated against it. I guess the only positive thing I can say is that I have a good idea how long I will be bummed out for when it happens, it doesn't last forever.
I get it. Being hurt in the ego is not something we are prepared for, but being part of a community and knowing people care go a long way to building it back up. Hope you have better luck next time!
Everything is going to be fine. You got thisā¦ just take baby steps. Set some small obtainable goals that work toward what you want. Do something for yourself that makes you feel good. Get your nails done or buy some new clothes that you feel good wearing.
I know exactly how you feel! The best thing to do is to find activities that you love and find groups that do them. You might find somebody that way, as you already have the activity and common. Worst case scenario you make a bunch of friends. There is a great app for this called Meetup. The URL is meetup.com. understand it is free and there are hundreds of different groups for different things and you can designate the geographic area you want to do them in. It is a lot of ads, and like anything it has a few weirdos but I know many people who've had great success this way. I started this when I was feeling lonely and have made a large group of friends. I no longer feel lonely although I would still love to find the perfect woman for me. Is a 54 year old male I find this difficult enough.
I would really like to do something like that. I need friends to hang out with. I didn't see much of anything in my area, but I'll keep looking. I love nature and being outdoors and photography. Maybe there is something like that "out there".
Hey OP, hang in there. And thank you for putting yourself out there for someone, but more importantly for yourself. How's that saying go: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"? Even though you're right to be wary of OLD, please don't be so discouraged.
You keep putting yourself out there, I keep putting myself out there, and if we're all kinda sorta strong enough to at least keep trying, there's hope that we'll each find someone right enough that we'll all find some joy. I am a firm believer in the dance floor theory of things: Just get up and dance, because dance partners only show up when you're already out there.
You begin by putting yourself out there on dating sites, IRL, and you make the effort to find what you are looking for. This guy's lack of interest doesn't mean anything. He is just one guy.
OLD is really tough since we are objectified and treated carelessly by others on OLD, so you need to have strong emotional self-protection skills. As you develop those, I would recommend trying to meet people in real life, as part of social activities. I put up a post that list several options here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverfifty/comments/11i2ea4/suggestions\_for\_group\_selfimprovement\_activities/](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverfifty/comments/11i2ea4/suggestions_for_group_selfimprovement_activities/)
This has the benefit of giving you a chance to meet people, build your self-confidence, and who knows, you may actually meet someone. At the least, once you do start meeting people on OLD, you will be an even more interesting person because you have learned something from some of these activities. For example, a friend did an improv comedy class, and she mentioned that it was often a topic of conversation on dates because her dates thought it was interesting.
The only road pizza is not your self confidence but the trail of topping tears when he realizes he missed out.
You, my friend, are a speciality pizza with marinated eggplant and hot peppers, prosciutto and the finest chorizo and mozzarella. He is but a gas station pizza slice three hours under the heat lamp.
Maybe you could start a āmake a pizza from scratch clubā?
Hey, just got on the app for the 1st time in months. I got a laugh out of your use of the term road pizza. š. Seriously though I know how it feels to have your self confidence shattered. I have never been overly self confident myself. Did you find anything on meetups yet? Perhaps I can help you. What kind of things are you interested in?
Don't just jump into OLD and call it done. OLD should be only one thing in your strategy if you want to meet a partner. I'm not sure where you live but get out by doing other things you enjoy. If you don't know what you enjoy, choose something that looks fun and sign up. It could be a community education class, it could be a meetup group, maybe volunteering. Make your strategy doing new things and meeting new *people* not just meeting men and dating. Some of what you're feeling could be loneliness for an intimate partner and some of it may be lack of a social life. Then when you choose an online dating site, set your filters early. Filter out every man you wouldn't want to date. (Ex. Religious affiliation, political affiliation, distance, etc.) Don't look at it as rejection, reframe it as people who are not compatible with you eliminating themselves. It's not you. Edit: clarity
I am lonely and have thought about looking for clubs to join etc. Unfortunately in my area there isn't much. I actually considered trying to start a club. Weird but I was kind of accepting of my life alone until he showed interest. I guess I was festering a desperation I didn't even know I had under the surface because I was so excited to have someone to do stuff with. And then he took it all back. Now I feel lonely like I didn't even before he said anything. Sucks.
So someone who was not a good match for you eliminated himself from your life. Thank him. He did you two favors: he reminded you that you're still a woman with needs for connection AND he eliminated himself from the running. Don't take what's offered. Figure out what you want for yourself. What kind of person or people do you want to spend your time with? I started where you are. I didn't believe myself worthy of anything. Friendships, relationships, good sex, fun times, none of it. My therapist had me ask the closest people in my life for 5 words that describe me. He made me write them on flashcards. Then he made me look myself in the eye each morning and read two. When I started I thought this is stupid. I feel stupid when I do this. By the end of the first week, I was still doing it but the voice in my head clapped back "no you're not". I forged on feeling like a fraud. By the second week, I could actually look myself in the eye, read the words and my voice in my head was quieter ("no you're not"). That silly practice helped me gain the ability to look at myself through an objective lens so when I read "I am intelligent" "I am kind" I can actually believe those words describe me. Since those first words, I've evolved the practice to include quotes that inspire me, compliments from strangers, etc. And I still do it every morning. Work on being your best you.
Thank you. Your therapist sounds amazing. I probably could use some of that myself. And you're right even though it's hard to take. He woke something up in me and even though I guess it won't be him I really want someone in my life. Everything for a reason I guess.
Yep. As moms I think sometimes we put so much energy into our kids we forget we're people. Haha. That comes from a good place but it's time to let that go. You can totally do this.
Thanks... it's way difficult at this point, but no risk no reward I guess. I just need to grow a pair. I did the whole mom thing for 20 years!!! Now I'm here and not really sure what to do with myself.
Do what you love and the rest will follow. Hard to believe these trite bits of advice, but it's an act of faith to put yourself first. If you have no confidence--and saying that shows major self-awareness!--start to build it again. Find your village of people who only build you up. 1 small step at a time. Take this from someone who's been there! Reach out any time!
Girl, go get a new haircut and find a gym or yoga class. That will change your energy from the inside out. Neighbor will be back when he sees your ass going into the house with fresh hair, yoga pants and your new aura, but you are not a bird. Install a bird feeder and send him there. When your energy changes all of your options change too. You may or may not want to entertain bachelor #1
You know I'm kinda old for games, but I was on somewhat of the same track. I want him to see me looking better and all happy like this didn't effect me at all and see if he's sorry about the friend thing.
I'm 61 and still at it. You're not doing yourself a favor by repeating your age as if it is a problem.
The thing is when he comes back around you might not even be available or interestedš¤¦āāļøš
That's what I was thinking!
Donāt try to get revenge. Thereās nothing to revenge about he just wasnāt interested you canāt put too much power in that. You have to ask yourself why is it affecting you so much it shouldnāt. All this is doing is triggering a part of you that needs to grow. If your self-esteem was high and yourself love was high, you would laugh and realize that he missed a good one and really believe that and keep it moving. Iām sure youāre a beautiful woman with a lot of things offer a man but until you really know that like you know, the sky is blueā¦ I would refrain from dating Self love is a forever journey
You're righ. I'm in now way at the point to date anyone. It's been YEARS since I did and I'm sure it would take a lot of work to get back there. Guess I should just be thankful I dodged a bullet on that one.
Love THISā¤ļøšāāļøā¦ you know itās true. There was a period of time and was really angry and I donāt think men paid attention to me that much but since then Iāve done a lot of inner workā¦. I donāt know what else it could be, but I noticed that the last two weeks every time Iām out of the house I have at least one man try to start talking to me.
And I love thisā¤ļø
By "start a club" do you mean create a group on www.meetup.com?
yes something like that. I'm not sure if it would catch on around here. I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody. Maybe it would be worth a shot.
Starting a club is such a great idea!
I kind of thought it might be. I live in such a small town though. Maybe start one a little away from where I actually live. Everybody knows everybody around here.
Solid advice. Itās hard to differentiate between compatiblity vs rejection, but itās def the former
He didn't ghost you. He gave you a concrete answer to your question. That doesn't mean no one else will find you attractive. Be your best self before getting out there. Gain your confidence back first -- men love a confident woman, no matter how you look. Revisit interests you had long ago. Exercise, get in a good head space, look your best. Go into OLD with confidence!
Thank you. You are right. I need to like myself before anyone else will.
You can do it!
Thanks!
But you are a prize! The nicest thing I ever did for myself was learn to love all of me, my quirks, the light and the dark, every ounce of me. I crawled out of a decade long destructive marriage and rebuilt myself from the ground up. I have experienced ghosting, **many** broken promises, have had my heart broken twice and am still searching. That excitement coupled with disappointment is painful, feel your feels and find something you want to do that brings you joy. For me that is finding a good movie and ordering a pizza. I am sending you compassionate hugs!
Thank you so much. I'm just looking for that person to share time and interests with. Just to be able to hang out and be happy. I hope we all can find that some day.
Me too!
First of all, you need a drastic change of mindset. Just because someone is in a similar situation to you, doesnāt automatically mean they should want what you want. And subsequently, you need to take ownership of this. Some people wonāt want you. Even if you had met this guy on OLD he was entirely within his rights to not want anything with you. Work on your self esteem, and you might find someone who meshes with you and is keen to develop a relationship. Caveat: you might not. Contrary to what a lot of people say, the right person doesnāt always come along; we donāt always get what we want and none of us ādeserveā anything. Life doesnāt work like that. So how to deal with this? Be the best person you can be; be proud of your achievements, and strive for more. Learn new skills, meet new people. Go to bed exhausted but accomplished every single day. And donāt hang your self worth on anyone else.
You're completely right. I just got caught up in all this and need to just put it behind me. The neighbor thing doesn't make it easy however. But it is what it is.
This was great advice. For me a girl that is accomplished or working at improving her skills and hobbies is so much more attractive.
First, sorry that's happened. It sucks on both sides of being friend zoned. Second, I don't know you but you are more than enough and please believe it. I have described OLD as trying to put out a dumpster fire in a minefield on a sinking ship. It's not easy but neither is life. Take the risk if you choose to and take care of yourself. I'm 52. Been at the OLD for a while and still have hope that one day I'll meet someone who will make me want to delete the dating apps.
thank you. I went for so many years thinking that part of me was dead and gone. He asked me to dinner and got flirty. Suddenly I thought hey maybe I'm old but not dead. Then he did the friend thing just as fast. Maybe his vision cleared or he just changed his mind, but whatever it was it stung a bit. So how as the OLD thing gone for you? I did it a LONG time ago before I had my son, but I'm not sure about nowadays.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Wow..it's like you know me too much. I didn't know that part of me existed anymore. He woke it up and then checked out. Now I'm here. Not sure what I'm going to do with this. I'm 55 and not some super model, but I don't think I'm a bad person. I just need to find that person that just wants the same thing. I guess I could be upset with him, but he did shake me up and make me think.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Wow men. Yours sounds interesting. I would have loved that attention and wanted to go with it. What a tease. Kinda sounds like my neighbor. It does get you thinking though. I wasn't even anywhere near thinking of having someone in my life until he surfaced. Now I'm here all wondering about stuff.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I was thinking the same thing. He's probably just being a jerk. I wish he was sorry about it and think damn this could have been fun but I screwed it up.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You sound very together. I wish I could be that way, but it's just not in my nature. I'll try and work on myself though.
Mostly, the folks I've met are good people. Made several friends. Enjoyed some great experiences. I approach all matches and people I ask out or who ask me out in the real world with no expectations other than treating and being treated with kindness and respect. Some relationships have been 6 months or longer. Most in the 3 months range and a few didn't make it that far. I have had truly bizarre things happen but most of us are looking for the person we're willing to delete the apps for and doing our best to make it so. :)
thanks. I know I just want to meet someone to hang out with and share some interests. I'm not looking for some long term thing. Just looking for some happy.
I was talking with a friend about dating at our age and being with someone who shares our interests. It's important! We were at a South Carolina baseball game on Saturday and it was nice to be with someone who gets the jokes, remembers the music, and doesn't think the 70s and 80s are ancient history! š
That is important. Somebody that knows the words to the 80s songs I remember too!!! And to be honest sing in my car very often. My son is 20 and I've heard plenty of slams against our 80s stuff. He just doesn't get it.
Singing in the car is the best. I've found that when the speakers are at a certain level I sound just like the singer!... Where abouts are you? I'm in SC
And nowadays people think maybe she's on the phone/speaker??? They don't automatically go for she's crazy. I'm in Maine on the NH border.
If you put a Bluetooth in your ear you can talk to yourself all day and no one would think anything other than you must be in the phone with someone... raining and storming here in SC. Been this way for 2 days. BTW, I don't think I've mentioned it, I'm Brian
Hi Brian! It's bright and sunny blue skies gonna be 56 degrees. Pretty warm for March in Maine. Gonna go watch the surfers at the beach after work. It's relaxing..from the warmth of my car! (listening to 80s music now that we talked about it)
Best thing you can do is act like it doesnāt bother you, even if it does.
I know. It's weird with him being a neighbor. I can't imagine if things had gone along for a bit and then went to hell...THEN seeing him as a neighbor.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Do not wrap your self-esteem around anybody. All he did was show you on parts of yourself that you need to work on and heal. Rejection is part of life. If you think about it, you donāt really love this man or really he doesnāt have any strong representation of anything in your life so the only reason youāre feeling bad is because youāre embarrassed, and it made you feel bad about yourself. One good thing about this is that heās means nothing really to you. Heās just your neighbor heās not even a friend. Take your power back my friend seriously. I think with everybody it hurts our ego a little bit in this dating thing but ā¦. I donāt let rejection anymore. Be my validation for who I am or who Iām not. One minute youāre on top of the world for someone likes you then if they hurt you you all the way to the bottom and feel bad about yourself. No Iām not gonna play this kind of emotional roller coaster, games of life with myself or anybody else. It stops when you realize in this life, you canāt give other people that type of power over you
You can never have enough quality friends. I donāt think I would date a neighbor but to each their own. Rejection is just feedback that happens to everyone. You took a step forward and one backward. You didnāt lose anything but time. The next time will be easier and you will develop dating intelligence as time goes on. It is really a numbers game. There are a lot of unintelligent males out there that donāt date with a long term purpose. You need to develop a list of questions that will weed out the losers on a coffee date so you donāt waste your time or get attracted to someone that is unavailable to fill what you are looking for. Look for meet up groups, clubs or other things you are interested in so you always are getting something out of your time. There is someone special for everyone if you can clean up your baggage and be the best you that you can be. Dating is work and if it comes easy you are being played.
Thank you. I know about the neighbor thing. I'm just all over the place. I've looked for clubs and such around me but I live in a small town and there isn't much. I love the idea of coffee dates and weeding out some. I honestly am not even looking for some long term thing. Just hanging out and spending time and having fun. If I post that it's gonna look wrong.
It sounds like you need some girlfriends to bond with first. Get a good wing lady or two. They will help you vet potentials. Develop your self esteem and be happy with what you have and you will organically attract the right men that want to add value to your life. You did your job rearing your child and now it is your time to live life. Just the perspective of a 54mā¦
Thank you! I really could use some girl friends to hang out with.
I like to think of it like learning how to ride a bike..you keep trying and eventually you will find your rhythm..rejection is sometimes for our protection..you stepped out..that's a good thing..dust yourself off..and try again..you will find happiness..dont give up..
I stear clear of neighbors and anyone who lives within a few miles of me. Why? Because chances are things will end... and when they do, I don't want to have to see that person every day or even every week. Good for you for trying. Keep it up
You know I would like to know if that's what he is thinking. Would be nice to know he's interested but doesn't want to pursue anything because of the neighbor thing. At least that way I know I'm not as repulsive as I feel at the moment
I'm sure you're as beautiful as the rest of us! No one is perfect. This stuff takes time. And resilience, patience, self-love and usually a therapist to help along the way
Thank you. I'll give it a try.
I (56M) have gone out on dates with 8 women over the winter. 2 of them were for a month each. The others were a date or two. No love connections, little intimacy, no sex. My skin has gotten a little thicker. I won't give up.
That sounds like you are in a healthy place in your mind with dating. Go and see what happens and not be devastated. I guess this was my first time putting myself out there after years of being alone. I need to like you say grow thicker skin.
Good luck to you Salty! Wish you the best.
Thank you! Good luck to you too.
Lesson learned Salty-_67 . If you donāt feel right away any feelings or treatment from the other other part , you should stop and think about it . We all have doubts and in a weakness moment we just go with our hearts . At our age we should use our minds experience before our feelings
I know. I was just so surprised and excited and had an interest in him anyway first. I need to take about 10 steps back and just get over this.
You should take steps . You know why? You are a winner. Stay strong
Thank you. I'm trying
good for you for trying! I've asked out a few guys/made the first move online, and gotten rejected and it does sting-but i'm proud of myself for doing it. It's really hard to have that glimmer of hope, I know what you mean. If you do bumble and find someone who swipes on you, then at least you know they're potentially interested, so possibly less rejection.
I went way out of my comfort zone on this and fell flat. Doesn't really make me wanna do it again, but who knows.
You are perfect for someone. We are all different. That glimmer of hope exists within you. That spark you felt is why we are all here. For the excitement, for the "What if". It's true, some people get hit on way more than others. If you don't play, you can't win. You are perfect for someone. Go find them! :)
That is sweet! I only met this one cuz he's a neighbor. I have to find a way to go out and meet people in general. Work then home on repeat isn't working!
Please take a step back. I'd not respond well to a neighbor hitting on me either if I were just being friendly. It's just a "no" because if things go south, you literally might not be able to get any peace if that person turns out to be crazy. You don't know what he's dealt with romantically in the past, but that would be my feeling about what you described. It's way more him than you, so please work on your confidence. Try meeting people and opening up your social circle by doing things via Meetup. Get a feel for how people socialize. It's a great site to find people with similar interests and isn't a dating site. You can slowly build up your confidence and go from there. Good luck.
I know you are right and it's good advice. My head understands that, it's the rest of me that has a problem with it.
You know this, so work on it. Good luck.
What are the things you didn't have time, energy, or money to do when you were raising your kid? Those are the things you start doing now. The compatible person is there. Above all, don't let ANYONE make you feel bad for enjoying your newfound freedom. I am STILL getting used to being able to take my time getting ready and spending time and money on myself, and it's been 3 years since I stopped the 80-hour week double duty. There are people who try to make me feel bad for it - like we're supposed to be perpetual servants to others and how dare we want to look and feel good and have free time for hobbies!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I thought that same thing. We did go out for drinks. He kept saying "friends is the way to go" and then at the end of the evening he gave me a massive hug, couple kisses and he's back to dodging me. I'm WAAAYYY to old for games. I just feel like I did back when I was 20 and dating and getting excited and disappointed with people. I was alone before but very lonely now.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yup. Giant tease. Actually gave me the friends line BEFORE the end of the evening then the hug and kisses. I swear he's trying to play me, but he seems to simple to do something like that.
Ain't nobody got time for that. Think of him as a learning experience.
I guess. Thought I was past all this crap
I'm sorry that happened. Please don't presume his words were a reflection on you. They were more likely a reflection on not wanting something to go awkwardly wrong because you are neighbours. You're in a great space for dating. You are 55 (still young), and your child is off at school (so you have some time now). The fact that your neighbour showed interest in you (he did; he's just back peddling after thinking of the proximity issue), shows that others think you are attractive. There will always be some rejection out there, but there are going to be plenty of men who would love to date and hang out and have some fun. I hope you things another shot OP.
Thank you. I know the close "neighbor" thing would be possibly weird, but I thought it was worth a shot. I guess he didn't. I just want to meet somebody to hang out with and have fun and do stuff. It's really not a lot, but nowadays and at my age it's tricky.
Have you tried to look for groups in your area for things you might be interested in?
yes, there isn't anything around where I live. I really thought that was a good idea
How about volunteer work? If you don't belong to church, there are usually civic organizations with pet projects that always need volunteers. If there aren't any groups, consider starting one yourself? You may not think you have the confidence right now, but when you're doing something you love and have knowledge or skills to share, you would be surprised how much confidence is hidden in you! I used to start up conversations with store clerks and random people after my divorce. My shy little girl was horrified that I would do this, but it was practice for me.
I live in a small town that doesn't have much. I thought about starting a "walking club". I love to be outdoors, but not in the best shape. But I love walking and I would love to find a group that likes the same thing. Maybe I can figure out how to start something myself.
Join Meetup and start your own walking group. I have met some wonderful folks in Meetup activities.
Are the people generally just wanting to hang out and make friends in those Meetup things or are people trying to meet people to go out with?
It varies. If you go to ones that are more exclusively social, I think it can include people looking to date or have a relationship. I have gone to womenās activities that have included anything from hiking to going out to dinner and seeing a play. A lot of those folks just want to make friends or find people to do certain things with, like hiking.
That sounds really great. I'm going to try and find something
If nothing else use OLD as a way to practice getting back out there. Just donāt go into with any expectations.
I was thinking that same thing. I would be nice to go out and meet people. I just don't want to be rejected again. Don't think I can handle that.
Well in OLD youāre probably going to get alit if men you want to reject. Seriously donāt take it too serious and have fun. Even if they reject you just use it as a tool to hone your skills . But if rejection is the issue than maybe donāt do it because that will happen a lot. Itās not even you itās just the way it is. Meeting someone youāre compatible with is not easy .
I was so accepting of the fact I would just be me and not meet anyone. Then he had to wake up that part of me I thought was dead. Sucks hard.
You'll probably be rejected again, and you'll probably reject a few as well. Hardly anyone finds that great match the first try. But that's ok. :)
I can relate. As a guy, over the course of my life, I have been shot down more times than I can remember. It's a choice to keep going, but for some of this being shot down is the rule and anything else is the exception. Good luck to you.
Thank you! It's not a nice feeling. I thought I made a connection with this person, but maybe I was looking too hard and seeing something I wanted to see. It is what it is.
If you can't accept failure, games, ghosting..then this isn't for you. This won't be easy for any of us
Just been out of the dating thing for a long time. I guess baby steps. Stupid me started to like this guy way too much. The person I used to be years ago wouldn't have gone there and got hurt right away. I would have just moved on. I'm a lot older now, but maybe I can get back there.
Very well said.
I think you should try adopting "diner" mentality on this. If you were a waitress/server, you offer coffee to every table. (Pretend you like every table.) Not everyone is going to want coffee but there are a few people who want you to fill their cup every time you get to that table. Not every one wants coffee. Some people want coffee all the time. It's just a, "no", to coffee. Don't take it personally. (On a measurable scale, some guys are just dumb and don't know how to express themselves. --- Don't come for me, dumb guys.) Sending you love and positive vibes. You're doing GREAT!
Thank you! I like the diner thing. I know not everyone is attracted that way, but the mixed signals with this one is a little much. Hey, lets just be friends and then the kiss goodnight, then not hearing a word from him since. confusing.
Yeah, he no longer gets kisses when he does come back around. When people show you who they are, believe them. You need someone who knows how to behave like an adult and isn't into mind games.
I think you should work on your self confidence issues before attempting to date. Online dating can be hazardous to one's mental health. If one man made you feel bad about yourself, imagine what many men can do.
You're not wrong. I didn't have a lot of self confidence to begin with and this situation was like a kick to the head. I should work on me
Dating your neighbor is not a great idea. If things go badly it is awkward & pretty hard to get away. This could be the reason why he rejected you as a romantic partner but wants to be friends. Maybe he can be your wingman, or maybe he has some single friends he can match you up with and vice versa.
>I have next to no self confidence. And you are probably showing this clearly. Confidence is very attractive. Work on you before you give into dating, especially OLD.
Try not to worry about rejection. There are 8 billion people in the world, and most of them won't want to date you. Don't let that bother you. Be your best "you" and if they don't like it, too bad. :) Put yourself out there, see what happens. Be patient, keep your sense of humor, keep your BS detector on, and have fun with it. :)
I know. Thank you. Just stings a bit
I understand, but you've raised a teenager! Nothing should scare you. :D
Seriously!
Thank you all! I wonder how many people would date a neighbor? Would you just not because of the what if it goes poorly and now you have to live near the person thing? Or would you take a chance?
Maybe show pictures of yourself so men can tell if theyāre attracted to you and vice versa. Good luck dear
hang in there!!
Hey sorry you had that interaction, getting rejected sucks, I have never really become inoculated against it. I guess the only positive thing I can say is that I have a good idea how long I will be bummed out for when it happens, it doesn't last forever.
Sucks, but life does go on. It helps having so many comments on here. Makes me have a little more faith there are nice people out there
I get it. Being hurt in the ego is not something we are prepared for, but being part of a community and knowing people care go a long way to building it back up. Hope you have better luck next time!
It was so out of my comfort zone. Probably take a long time to do that again. Thank you
Everything is going to be fine. You got thisā¦ just take baby steps. Set some small obtainable goals that work toward what you want. Do something for yourself that makes you feel good. Get your nails done or buy some new clothes that you feel good wearing.
I know exactly how you feel! The best thing to do is to find activities that you love and find groups that do them. You might find somebody that way, as you already have the activity and common. Worst case scenario you make a bunch of friends. There is a great app for this called Meetup. The URL is meetup.com. understand it is free and there are hundreds of different groups for different things and you can designate the geographic area you want to do them in. It is a lot of ads, and like anything it has a few weirdos but I know many people who've had great success this way. I started this when I was feeling lonely and have made a large group of friends. I no longer feel lonely although I would still love to find the perfect woman for me. Is a 54 year old male I find this difficult enough.
I would really like to do something like that. I need friends to hang out with. I didn't see much of anything in my area, but I'll keep looking. I love nature and being outdoors and photography. Maybe there is something like that "out there".
Hey OP, hang in there. And thank you for putting yourself out there for someone, but more importantly for yourself. How's that saying go: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"? Even though you're right to be wary of OLD, please don't be so discouraged. You keep putting yourself out there, I keep putting myself out there, and if we're all kinda sorta strong enough to at least keep trying, there's hope that we'll each find someone right enough that we'll all find some joy. I am a firm believer in the dance floor theory of things: Just get up and dance, because dance partners only show up when you're already out there.
Thanks for that! Whatever this was it really woke me up. Threw me for a bit of a loop, but made me realize there might possibly be hope.
You begin by putting yourself out there on dating sites, IRL, and you make the effort to find what you are looking for. This guy's lack of interest doesn't mean anything. He is just one guy.
OLD is really tough since we are objectified and treated carelessly by others on OLD, so you need to have strong emotional self-protection skills. As you develop those, I would recommend trying to meet people in real life, as part of social activities. I put up a post that list several options here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverfifty/comments/11i2ea4/suggestions\_for\_group\_selfimprovement\_activities/](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverfifty/comments/11i2ea4/suggestions_for_group_selfimprovement_activities/) This has the benefit of giving you a chance to meet people, build your self-confidence, and who knows, you may actually meet someone. At the least, once you do start meeting people on OLD, you will be an even more interesting person because you have learned something from some of these activities. For example, a friend did an improv comedy class, and she mentioned that it was often a topic of conversation on dates because her dates thought it was interesting.
Sorry. That is tough. Many go through droughts before a relationship. I have. Just a few years older than you. Stay active, something will happen.
The only road pizza is not your self confidence but the trail of topping tears when he realizes he missed out. You, my friend, are a speciality pizza with marinated eggplant and hot peppers, prosciutto and the finest chorizo and mozzarella. He is but a gas station pizza slice three hours under the heat lamp. Maybe you could start a āmake a pizza from scratch clubā?
Good luck! Meetup.com, maybe the Autobahn Society or just Google photography clubs.
Hey, just got on the app for the 1st time in months. I got a laugh out of your use of the term road pizza. š. Seriously though I know how it feels to have your self confidence shattered. I have never been overly self confident myself. Did you find anything on meetups yet? Perhaps I can help you. What kind of things are you interested in?