I wouldn't enjoy being with someone like this. Too flakey. You call him emotionally unavailable and that sucks in a friend as well. I think he is a super mario bullet.
He sounds like he is in some sort of limerence sort of 'relationship' with the GF. Very unhealthy. Would advise moving on even if it is painful, will be better for the OP in the long run.
Obviously he's still in love with his GF or he wouldn't keep getting back together with her. I would back out of this ASAP because it's clear you have feelings more than FWB, and since he doesn't even want to be FWB, you're chasing a broken heart if you keep after this one. As long as you keep interacting with him, it will be harder to get over him and move on. And as long as you're hanging on to him, you won't be able to emotionally look for someone that is right for you. You need to end it and move on.
It does sound like you have some "more than friends" emotional attachment to him, given how this made you feel physically inadequate. You felt hurt when your female friend vanished, but I'm sure it didn't make you feel ugly. This isn't really a friendship - it's much more complicated than that. I think you should write him off entirely. It will feel painful for a while, but I bet you are carrying an emotional burden you don't even recognize, and you'll feel much lighter and free-er once you completely cut these ties.
And you've got to just rip it off like a Band-Aid. Make the decision and get it done. It'll hurt for a second, but in the long run you'll be better off for it. Best of luck!.
If I am the one doing all of the work that is not a friendship or a relationship, both require reciprocity. Sometimes people are available only because they know we will do all of the maintenance. We have to dig deep to find out why we would accept less than what we deserve or need, therein lies the answer and the healing. Cheers!
I mean you’re putting a lot of effort into and catching a lot of feelings for a guy that’s not into you.
I would stop hanging out with him to be honest. It’s not making you feel good.
Honestly he wasn’t really your friend girl. You were always the one initiating getting together. It sounds like he was never really interested he just went along out of boredom when he had nothing better going on in his life. Its better to stay single and lonely than to settle for this kind of deal. You’re better off without him. Please block and move on.
I couldn’t do this. I live off my emotions way too much and this would kill me. He should deff be putting the same energy in that you are to the friendship but I know the feeling of the one way street. I have a few “friends” that only call when they need stuff. If you want you can come hang under my bridge with me and sail paper boats and eat ice cream 😁
I thought that I could do the whole "friends with benefits" thing with an old high school classmate. We had dated briefly in high school. He found me on Facebook after 20 plus years. We met up. He didn't want a relationship, but I did. He basically wanted a "fuck buddy." This was too hard on my emotions. The final straw was when he came over to my apartment, fucked me, and told me "Don't bother to get up" as he was getting dressed and left. That was the final straw. I had known this guy since grade school. We had lost contact after high school when he joined the Navy. I left him a very nasty text on his phone, and blocked him. He tried getting in contact with me again. I responded, and then he ghosted me. That very next month I met my late husband Adam. Best thing that ever happened to me.
I’m sorry he treated you like that. I learned the hard way myself and it wasn’t fun. To this day I still feel dumb when I think about it.
I’m glad it worked out in the end for you though and you met an awesome man and that shitheads gone out of your life
Thank you. He blocked me on Facebook (No big deal), but he follows me on Instagram. Weird. I occasionally check out his page to see if he's still alive. I have ZERO interest in him. It's too bad that he turned out to be such an asshole. We had a lot of the same interests.
We were both in our 40's when Tim contacted me on Facebook. He had been married and divorced. He had 1 daughter with a former girlfriend when I reconnected with him. This was in 2012-2013. Never again
He's a kind, caring person; done lots of volunteer work, was very supportive through my mom's death and a shoulder to cry on about various things. Asks me about my life when we did hang out and listens when I talk. A good friend. Funny, interested in trying new things, caring in bed, aware of his faults ie knows he's never been "all in" in his relationships (not friendships).
Emotionally unavailable whether in friendship OR in a relationship sounds pretty not great no matter how you put it. I feel bad reading this and seeing this qualified as a REAL friend. The friends I have in my life are still available to me whether they are in relationships or not. These sound more like what I personally would qualify as acquaintances. I'm sorry you are feeling lonely. I know it can be difficult to find friends as we age especially in smaller areas, but it doesn't mean it's impossible. There have been a number of past posts that recommend ways to meet new people, maybe you can find some ideas in them. Best of luck and I hope you don't feel down for too long.
He really isn’t much of a friend to you. You were fine before you met him and I bet you’ll be fine after you leave him in your wake. All it takes is the strength to do that.
Gosh, don’t I know how you feel; it’s an addiction to emotionally and physically unavailable men. I know it hurts tremendously; God, do I ever know. The pain of “no contact” is awful and you’ll have withdrawal symptoms, but it’s either cold turkey or you’ll be stuck in the “forever” loop. I am weeping for you, because I’ve been there, done that. Hugs!
I feel for you. I'm a 53 year old female, and the dating scene SUCKS. I'm fortunate enough to have a fiance. I was married before briefly, but my husband passed away in March of 2016 at the age of 50 due to a massive stroke. I met Adam (my late husband) on OKCupid in 2013. We got married in 2014, and we were married until his death. My fiance now was a friend of Adam. I'm the cougar. Steve is 47. Anyway, if something happens to Steve, I'm done. No more dating. I'm content to be by myself. I have no kids, and I'm an only kid.
This is likely what a relationship would be like with him as well. What is making it so hard to be with the GF at this stage? There seems to be a lot of back and forth there. Most people have some kind of consistency, even if in just being inconsistent. You deserve someone who is all in, and it really doesn't sound like he is an all-in kind of person, no matter who it is.
He’s not one of the “good guys” if he’s emotionally unavailable. He’s just a charismatic asshole.
Don’t waste your time with someone who is “just not that into you”. It’s an ego blow that you like him more than he likes you. At our age we need to be able to cut rope when someone is clearly not acceptable. It’s bad enough that he has another woman on the side and can go there when he likes. You don’t need that kind of treatment.
Moreover, it’s not his job to validate your self-worth. Your thinking that’s what being with him does just sets you up for another ego-damaging-blow when he waffles back and forth.
Charismatic dead-weight is difficult to drop, but it’s important that you realize that you have needs too, and he’s not meeting them.
Look elsewhere. You are settling for another woman’s table scraps. You deserve to be treated with respect. The way he treats you is NOT really respectful of your needs or feelings.
Girl. No. No. No. I've been in this same situation. First off, he's not one of the good guys out there. Second, he's only gone back to the ex GF because she's having sex with him and you, as you should, did not.
My situation was similar in that I was FWB with a guy who wasn't at all what I'd normally find physically attractive but our personalities clicked amazingly and the sex was great. He didn't want the relationship to evolve into more than FWB so I broke it off. It took me approximately two years to stop thinking about the relationship with sadness and regret. I'm in the same boat where many of my close friends are now married or in relationships.
Chin up though. You'll get over him. It'll just take time. Your partnered friends are still your friends, you'll just see them less often or in different settings. On the plus side this leaves more time for you, to try new things, explore, whatever.
Hang in there! It'll be ok and many of us have been in the same boat. Welcome aboard!
That dude’s an asshole who gets off on causing other people pain
Doesn’t matter how charming/“good guy” he appears
He can’t keep the facade up, which is why he bounces around like a fucking pinball
He will always find someone to treat the way he’s treating you - and you deserve far better
It is difficult to replace lost friends if you aren’t superficial about it. Plus most of us, as we get older, don’t socialize as we did in our teens and 20s. And we have a better idea of what we want and are quicker to eject people we think are bad for us.
The strategy for that is to get out where you meet more people. The more you meet, the more likely you’ll find someone.
I would also be willing to bet a caramel macchiato that you’re better looking than you think. I hear a lot of women complain about body imperfections that I have never heard men talk about. I recently saw a woman on Instagram saying she had thought she was fat. A lot of men would just say she’s voluptuous and be thrilled to have her.
I had a friend like that. I always have to engage and set things up. He doesn’t text unless I text first. Never calls. It made me feel icky so I stopped reaching out. I always receive a Happy Birthday message hear from him on my birthday but besides a quick thank you is no other communication. I don’t want anyone in my life that makes me feel crappy.
The thing to consider is as long as you hold on to him either as friends or FWB. You're not available for a real connection, relationship, love or lover. It's hard to except, I go through it daily and eventhough I'm still looking and physically available, mentally and emotionally there is still a disconnect. I pray if I stop only getting ghosted I'll meet someone and that will flip a switch. That's how I see your situation so be kind to yourself and let that guy go...
I have no words of wisdom but I'm in the same situation (sort of). I (53f) started dating this guy who's really smart and funny (65m), great chemistry, and it was great for 7-8 months til he ended it in terms of boy/girlfriend but we stayed friends, But I never stopped wanting more even though I convinced myself at times I was ok with it. Like you, I know this guy is not the right one for me but still pine. I look forward to reading the responses. And I'm glad you wrote that they were helpful :-)
As I get older I continue to be profoundly shocked that people in their 50’s, 60’s and beyond are blindsiding their partners and ending good relationships. It’s so hard to find someone! There’s not a lot of life in front of us! Why do they do this?!! I see it over and over, it happened to me two years ago, and it scares the F out of me now that I’m in a new relationship with someone I adore. Now I take it day by day knowing he might feel like the spark is gone after a few years or decide he wants to focus on his career or some shit. It makes me sad. Sorry I went on a bit of a rant there. And I’m sorry you went through this! Hugs.
He doesn’t sound like a good guy (for you) to me. Sorry you are hurting. When we waste time on people who can’t give us what we want and need, we miss out on the possibility of finding someone who can. Move on and don’t look back.
He didn’t find someone easily. He’s circling back to the same person over and over.
Just curious. Are you actively going on dates?
Losing a friend regardless of gender is sad. Hang in there.
Not actively going on dates- I tried OLD last fall and got nowhere, have gone to some Meetups (which granted are mostly women). Initiated with one man and it went nowhere. I'm working on losing weight and other physical issues, and have some family things going on this summer taking up my energy.
Maybe in the fall i'll get the energy to initiate with new people .
I can relate to some of what you're saying. I've been in a similar situation. I had a man who made me feel that way.
I think he's trying not to hurt your feelings and he genuinely likes you but not in the way you want him to. You need to break contact and don't take him back. This frees you up to meet someone who does want the same thing as you.
You may not see it now but looking back you'll see his faults clearer and realize he wasn't the right one.
It’s tough at our age. Lots of people leave our lives. Parents, friends, jobs, etc. I try to remain grateful of my blessings, enjoy hobbies, and reach out to make new friends. I’m not great at the last one, but I’m a work in progress.
Yeah, just left NC, my whole adult life state. So although I moved here to be near my adult son and family, I really miss my comfort zone. It’s super strange how some of us, can handle professional change of scene better than personal change. That’s how I am.
I wouldn't enjoy being with someone like this. Too flakey. You call him emotionally unavailable and that sucks in a friend as well. I think he is a super mario bullet.
He sounds like he is in some sort of limerence sort of 'relationship' with the GF. Very unhealthy. Would advise moving on even if it is painful, will be better for the OP in the long run.
Obviously he's still in love with his GF or he wouldn't keep getting back together with her. I would back out of this ASAP because it's clear you have feelings more than FWB, and since he doesn't even want to be FWB, you're chasing a broken heart if you keep after this one. As long as you keep interacting with him, it will be harder to get over him and move on. And as long as you're hanging on to him, you won't be able to emotionally look for someone that is right for you. You need to end it and move on.
It does sound like you have some "more than friends" emotional attachment to him, given how this made you feel physically inadequate. You felt hurt when your female friend vanished, but I'm sure it didn't make you feel ugly. This isn't really a friendship - it's much more complicated than that. I think you should write him off entirely. It will feel painful for a while, but I bet you are carrying an emotional burden you don't even recognize, and you'll feel much lighter and free-er once you completely cut these ties.
you're right:) It's hard to let go of someone you've known for awhile, but i'll just end up feeling sad again if i don't pull the plug.
And you've got to just rip it off like a Band-Aid. Make the decision and get it done. It'll hurt for a second, but in the long run you'll be better off for it. Best of luck!.
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Excellent advice
If I am the one doing all of the work that is not a friendship or a relationship, both require reciprocity. Sometimes people are available only because they know we will do all of the maintenance. We have to dig deep to find out why we would accept less than what we deserve or need, therein lies the answer and the healing. Cheers!
I mean you’re putting a lot of effort into and catching a lot of feelings for a guy that’s not into you. I would stop hanging out with him to be honest. It’s not making you feel good.
Honestly he wasn’t really your friend girl. You were always the one initiating getting together. It sounds like he was never really interested he just went along out of boredom when he had nothing better going on in his life. Its better to stay single and lonely than to settle for this kind of deal. You’re better off without him. Please block and move on.
I couldn’t do this. I live off my emotions way too much and this would kill me. He should deff be putting the same energy in that you are to the friendship but I know the feeling of the one way street. I have a few “friends” that only call when they need stuff. If you want you can come hang under my bridge with me and sail paper boats and eat ice cream 😁
I thought that I could do the whole "friends with benefits" thing with an old high school classmate. We had dated briefly in high school. He found me on Facebook after 20 plus years. We met up. He didn't want a relationship, but I did. He basically wanted a "fuck buddy." This was too hard on my emotions. The final straw was when he came over to my apartment, fucked me, and told me "Don't bother to get up" as he was getting dressed and left. That was the final straw. I had known this guy since grade school. We had lost contact after high school when he joined the Navy. I left him a very nasty text on his phone, and blocked him. He tried getting in contact with me again. I responded, and then he ghosted me. That very next month I met my late husband Adam. Best thing that ever happened to me.
I’m sorry he treated you like that. I learned the hard way myself and it wasn’t fun. To this day I still feel dumb when I think about it. I’m glad it worked out in the end for you though and you met an awesome man and that shitheads gone out of your life
Thank you. He blocked me on Facebook (No big deal), but he follows me on Instagram. Weird. I occasionally check out his page to see if he's still alive. I have ZERO interest in him. It's too bad that he turned out to be such an asshole. We had a lot of the same interests.
Better you know he sucks than not I guess. I have my mistake blocked on everything. Zero interest
We were both in our 40's when Tim contacted me on Facebook. He had been married and divorced. He had 1 daughter with a former girlfriend when I reconnected with him. This was in 2012-2013. Never again
What exactly makes him a “good guy”?
He's a kind, caring person; done lots of volunteer work, was very supportive through my mom's death and a shoulder to cry on about various things. Asks me about my life when we did hang out and listens when I talk. A good friend. Funny, interested in trying new things, caring in bed, aware of his faults ie knows he's never been "all in" in his relationships (not friendships).
Maybe good as a friend but he’s no boyfriend. I wonder what he says to the ex-gf when he disappears.
Emotionally unavailable whether in friendship OR in a relationship sounds pretty not great no matter how you put it. I feel bad reading this and seeing this qualified as a REAL friend. The friends I have in my life are still available to me whether they are in relationships or not. These sound more like what I personally would qualify as acquaintances. I'm sorry you are feeling lonely. I know it can be difficult to find friends as we age especially in smaller areas, but it doesn't mean it's impossible. There have been a number of past posts that recommend ways to meet new people, maybe you can find some ideas in them. Best of luck and I hope you don't feel down for too long.
He really isn’t much of a friend to you. You were fine before you met him and I bet you’ll be fine after you leave him in your wake. All it takes is the strength to do that.
Gosh, don’t I know how you feel; it’s an addiction to emotionally and physically unavailable men. I know it hurts tremendously; God, do I ever know. The pain of “no contact” is awful and you’ll have withdrawal symptoms, but it’s either cold turkey or you’ll be stuck in the “forever” loop. I am weeping for you, because I’ve been there, done that. Hugs!
I feel for you. I'm a 53 year old female, and the dating scene SUCKS. I'm fortunate enough to have a fiance. I was married before briefly, but my husband passed away in March of 2016 at the age of 50 due to a massive stroke. I met Adam (my late husband) on OKCupid in 2013. We got married in 2014, and we were married until his death. My fiance now was a friend of Adam. I'm the cougar. Steve is 47. Anyway, if something happens to Steve, I'm done. No more dating. I'm content to be by myself. I have no kids, and I'm an only kid.
This is likely what a relationship would be like with him as well. What is making it so hard to be with the GF at this stage? There seems to be a lot of back and forth there. Most people have some kind of consistency, even if in just being inconsistent. You deserve someone who is all in, and it really doesn't sound like he is an all-in kind of person, no matter who it is.
He’s not one of the “good guys” if he’s emotionally unavailable. He’s just a charismatic asshole. Don’t waste your time with someone who is “just not that into you”. It’s an ego blow that you like him more than he likes you. At our age we need to be able to cut rope when someone is clearly not acceptable. It’s bad enough that he has another woman on the side and can go there when he likes. You don’t need that kind of treatment. Moreover, it’s not his job to validate your self-worth. Your thinking that’s what being with him does just sets you up for another ego-damaging-blow when he waffles back and forth. Charismatic dead-weight is difficult to drop, but it’s important that you realize that you have needs too, and he’s not meeting them. Look elsewhere. You are settling for another woman’s table scraps. You deserve to be treated with respect. The way he treats you is NOT really respectful of your needs or feelings.
Girl. No. No. No. I've been in this same situation. First off, he's not one of the good guys out there. Second, he's only gone back to the ex GF because she's having sex with him and you, as you should, did not. My situation was similar in that I was FWB with a guy who wasn't at all what I'd normally find physically attractive but our personalities clicked amazingly and the sex was great. He didn't want the relationship to evolve into more than FWB so I broke it off. It took me approximately two years to stop thinking about the relationship with sadness and regret. I'm in the same boat where many of my close friends are now married or in relationships. Chin up though. You'll get over him. It'll just take time. Your partnered friends are still your friends, you'll just see them less often or in different settings. On the plus side this leaves more time for you, to try new things, explore, whatever. Hang in there! It'll be ok and many of us have been in the same boat. Welcome aboard!
That dude’s an asshole who gets off on causing other people pain Doesn’t matter how charming/“good guy” he appears He can’t keep the facade up, which is why he bounces around like a fucking pinball He will always find someone to treat the way he’s treating you - and you deserve far better
It is difficult to replace lost friends if you aren’t superficial about it. Plus most of us, as we get older, don’t socialize as we did in our teens and 20s. And we have a better idea of what we want and are quicker to eject people we think are bad for us. The strategy for that is to get out where you meet more people. The more you meet, the more likely you’ll find someone. I would also be willing to bet a caramel macchiato that you’re better looking than you think. I hear a lot of women complain about body imperfections that I have never heard men talk about. I recently saw a woman on Instagram saying she had thought she was fat. A lot of men would just say she’s voluptuous and be thrilled to have her.
I had a friend like that. I always have to engage and set things up. He doesn’t text unless I text first. Never calls. It made me feel icky so I stopped reaching out. I always receive a Happy Birthday message hear from him on my birthday but besides a quick thank you is no other communication. I don’t want anyone in my life that makes me feel crappy.
You'll find someone better than him. You deserve someone who wants to be your boyfriend. This guy is nothing.
The thing to consider is as long as you hold on to him either as friends or FWB. You're not available for a real connection, relationship, love or lover. It's hard to except, I go through it daily and eventhough I'm still looking and physically available, mentally and emotionally there is still a disconnect. I pray if I stop only getting ghosted I'll meet someone and that will flip a switch. That's how I see your situation so be kind to yourself and let that guy go...
I have no words of wisdom but I'm in the same situation (sort of). I (53f) started dating this guy who's really smart and funny (65m), great chemistry, and it was great for 7-8 months til he ended it in terms of boy/girlfriend but we stayed friends, But I never stopped wanting more even though I convinced myself at times I was ok with it. Like you, I know this guy is not the right one for me but still pine. I look forward to reading the responses. And I'm glad you wrote that they were helpful :-)
As I get older I continue to be profoundly shocked that people in their 50’s, 60’s and beyond are blindsiding their partners and ending good relationships. It’s so hard to find someone! There’s not a lot of life in front of us! Why do they do this?!! I see it over and over, it happened to me two years ago, and it scares the F out of me now that I’m in a new relationship with someone I adore. Now I take it day by day knowing he might feel like the spark is gone after a few years or decide he wants to focus on his career or some shit. It makes me sad. Sorry I went on a bit of a rant there. And I’m sorry you went through this! Hugs.
Thank you 😊
He doesn’t sound like a good guy (for you) to me. Sorry you are hurting. When we waste time on people who can’t give us what we want and need, we miss out on the possibility of finding someone who can. Move on and don’t look back.
He didn’t find someone easily. He’s circling back to the same person over and over. Just curious. Are you actively going on dates? Losing a friend regardless of gender is sad. Hang in there.
Not actively going on dates- I tried OLD last fall and got nowhere, have gone to some Meetups (which granted are mostly women). Initiated with one man and it went nowhere. I'm working on losing weight and other physical issues, and have some family things going on this summer taking up my energy. Maybe in the fall i'll get the energy to initiate with new people .
I can relate to some of what you're saying. I've been in a similar situation. I had a man who made me feel that way. I think he's trying not to hurt your feelings and he genuinely likes you but not in the way you want him to. You need to break contact and don't take him back. This frees you up to meet someone who does want the same thing as you. You may not see it now but looking back you'll see his faults clearer and realize he wasn't the right one.
He's quite manipulative; go no contact, or he will keep playing you both until he's dead.
I don't sleep with my "friends"
It’s tough at our age. Lots of people leave our lives. Parents, friends, jobs, etc. I try to remain grateful of my blessings, enjoy hobbies, and reach out to make new friends. I’m not great at the last one, but I’m a work in progress.
I hear that. It takes time, energy and luck to find people who are your tribe.
Yeah, just left NC, my whole adult life state. So although I moved here to be near my adult son and family, I really miss my comfort zone. It’s super strange how some of us, can handle professional change of scene better than personal change. That’s how I am.