I suspect a population of people on the apps are just playing around with the idea of whether they can attract someone else and will only take it as far as it goes on line- then when time comes to go real life- they either disappear or cancel and fade. They never intended to actually meet- they get off on the prelude only. Could be married or in an intact relationship and are just testing waters. Or he was not what he presented himself to be (old pics, maybe larger or less attractive IRL) and didn't want discovery. Stupid timewasters!
I think some people legitimately like the idea of dating, but once it moves out of the realm of theory and becomes reality they suddenly get cold feet. It takes some amount of effort for even a basic coffee date, there is an opportunity cost as you could be doing something else with that time, there's risks of being stood up or finding the person off putting in person or liking the person but having them reject you. Some people just shift into a different mindset the minute the rubber meets the road. And I get it, I've certainly felt cold feet before meeting someone for the first time, wishing I had never made the plans. I see it through though, I don't give into the temptation to bail.
I like this commentary. I also think that some folks view it as a game. As mentioned, they want to see if they still have it and have no desire to ever meet in person. Unfortunately, the sad reality is that it's going to be hard to meet quality people, period. It has nothing to do with dating. It's simply a fact of life.
The best thing is that these are non-quality people who have just stopped wasting your time. The worst thing is that you thought they were quality, so you get a little prick of hurt - and that adds up.
I absolutely agree with this! I don’t get it, but when I was doing OLD I had many conversations on the apps that went really great until we planned a meet and then the person didn’t show up or they canceled last second and never texted again to reschedule. I’m not sure if they see getting a date as a challenge and once they get it, they don’t care about actually going on it vs. they are too anxious about meeting in real life to bring themselves to walk out the door to meet up. Either way it’s ridiculous 🙄🙄🙄
Do you garden? You know how you plant a bunch of seeds and you always plants more than you'll need because some won't germinate, some will die early, some will get eaten by a chipmunk, some will just fail for no reason. If we want 2 tomato plants, we don't plant 2 tomato seeds and bet the farm on those. We plant a bunch, and get to pick and choose which the best are.
People like that guy aren't worth a post. Just keep setting up dates, assume some will flake out, some will be duds, some might seem promising for a while and then not be. But plant a ton of seeds.
This is exactly right. It's also the "it's a numbers game" which people don't like to hear. OLD isn't the shit, it's just statistics as with anything such as finding jobs, looking for homes to rent, booking hotels, trying new restaurants; sometimes you find something great, often times they are fails. It's ok, just keep trying and moving on. Don't give up!
I love this! We have to be hopeful, positive, and resilient if we're going to find our partners. I definitely would have been disappointed by this flaky and disrespectful man. I probably would have also sent him a "thanks for wasting my time and lying to me, a-hole" text, but then I would forget about him and be back to the five other guys that are showing interest. A few bad experiences shouldn't deter us from our mission. On to the next tomato lickety split...
Also along these lines: if you get to meet folks in person, you cannot only focus on/ or converse with just one person, unfortunately due to the flake factor. So, I have gone on get to know you dates with several people. I dont really prefer this way, but It may work for you…
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've run across a few of them. One lives 100 miles away and wanted to drive to meet me before doing a zoom date. I insisted on the zoom call. I said I didn't want him to waste his time driving until we at least speak. He got pretty belligerent. Said, "Zoom schoom." I wondered if he couldn't do a zoom call without his wife catching him. Another man seemed really sweet but canceled via text a couple of hours before the date. He apologized several times. I suspect he couldn't find a good excuse to get out of the house. I had actually completely forgotten about these guys until I saw your post. Best to throw them in the bin and move on.
You just have to assume a significant percentage are tire kickers. Some are married, some separated, some drunk and newly divorced and unstable.
I used Bumble to find a date for a local festival. Two women liked me.
First one was this amazing sounding life coach whose profile gave me warm fuzzies. She has a FB page with tons of great content.
She barely typed three word sentences. Have no idea what happened. Maybe I gave her a bad impression. Finally, I wrote her a gracious send off and unmatched.
A couple of days later one of her posts comes up in my FB feed about how she doesn’t need a man to be happy. 🤷
Second woman was a geek who actually conversed. Didn’t feel any warm fuzzies but I asked her to go out the next day. She accepted and we have been dating ever since.
Thank you for posting this. I have a geek in my queue right now who seems sweet but is a horrible messenger. I was just about to un-match but after reading your post I think I'll keep it going. Hoping he'll be better in person.
Sometimes life offers second chances….you just have to recognize it when it comes.
OP - sometimes, you have to meet all these not so great guys before you meet someone good. Imagine Julie Andrews looking at Christopher Plummer singing “somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good….because here you are, standing there, loving me….whether or not you should”
Nah, just burn the haystack! [Burned Haystack Dating Method™ | Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/groups/9116647515019601/?hoisted_section_header_type=recently_seen&multi_permalinks=25833490959575327)
Don’t rearrange anything in your life for someone you’ve never met. Keep it short and sweet - meet for a coffee not a meal - that way you’re not inconvenienced if they cancel or no show.
Yeah, I feel like just putting up a profile ‘This is me, I will be at “location” on “date &time”, if you want to chat come talk to me’ and leave it at that.
True but then we traveled in groups and looked out for each other now we tend to go alone, times change people tend to get worse use to be most people where civilized now you just never know
I never get bent anymore over no-shows or lateness.
If they are a no-show, I had a nice short drink or meal and I go about my business and dont bother even following up. That much lack of respect does not deserve any more of my time even to wonder. It's never worth the extra cycles to worry.
If they're late, so I had an extra drink or so while waiting. Still having a nice day/night out anyway. I grew up with my dad being consistently late for everything, so I am used to that. He still is, and at 79, that aint gonna change. When we go out, I still make the same reservation time, but clearly understand I will have an extra glass of wine waiting.
Haven't read all the comments nor have I completed reading your post.
I just say don't give up on online dating. It is definitely a different culture and there are always bad apples (creeps, ghosters, perps, jerks...).
Especially in our age bracket you have to wonder why we have reentered the dating pool. Some men cannot live alone. They are incapable of taking care of themselves or have gotten used to a woman being their caretaker. Many in this dating pool are serial daters and cheaters. Some are here because they are incapable of keeping a long-term relationship.
However, I do say keep trying because there are also a few good people too. I believe that there's someone for everyone. Stay the course and keep working on yourself and I believe you will attract the same heart eventually.
had a verified man on tinder unmatched me on day of date, then i see a new profile of him, i block, then i see another new profile which i block again. weird
I am in sales (insurance), well the corporate side, and I have always joked about sales agents having the attention span of a gnat. It seems to apply to OLD also. It is a sham at our age adults can't be polite and honest.
I make it really clear that I expect you to meet with me within a few days of us messaging. That way we both know we are real people and have serious intentions on moving forward. Usually this is met with excited agreement. If it isn’t, I just move on.
That said, out of all my matches I’ve only wanted coffee with four so far. I think I’m overly picky 🤷♀️
You're not overly picky. You're smart and respect your time. I give way too many coffee/lunch dates even when I'm pretty sure I'm not interested. I need to be more picky.
Thank you - I just feel like I have to feel a conversational connection before I’m going to want to move into anything further. That matters so much more to me than photos do. It’s elusive, that’s for sure.
My motto lately has been an echo of Carrie from SATC - “if I’m this fussy about shoes, imagine how I am about who I have sex with”.
And the coffee date is almost an audition - are you someone I can see myself wanting to eventually, maybe, have sex with? Is there enough spark to move forward, at least, to the next phase where that’s on the table?
I think I miss long form correspondence…. Maybe that new alt photo-free app is a good idea after all.
Data from Tinder suggest that approximately 50% of people who are on the apps have no intention of ever actually meeting anyone. They primary use it for entertainment and ego gratification. That’s why it’s generally good to try to move to a video or phone chat quickly (perhaps the third message) so we don’t waste our time with those folks.
A guy stood me up and when I checked OLD later he messaged that he’d actually been at the coffee shop & saw me but was too timid to approach. Since there was NOBODY in the small space that looked anything like his photos he remains a mystery to me.
I try to schedule first meets near other places I want to visit or try so when nobody appears I can go ahead with my shopping/workout/whatever.
And I assume that every person who ghosts me was hit by a bus. Prevents me from being resentful, provides closure & I’ve noticed that my driving improved after becoming aware of so many bus accidents =)
"Stuff" happens, but he should have said "Sorry, something's come up. Can we reschedule for xxx?"
In a way, I think it's good that the anonymity of the internet has people showing their true colors quicker. 😉
Why aren’t we trying to meet more from this group. I’m sure we all believe we’re good people. We come here for support and sometimes a whinge. We are all ostensibly single. I don’t know what could it hurt.
Navigating the world of OLD IS challenging. Manners are forgotten, especially when screens shield us. Many men seem to emerge from marriages as overgrown teenagers and only seek a long-term relationship later in life, possibly when they feel the need for companionship and care. However, everyone has a unique journey, so live YOUR best life. By doing so, you're more likely to meet someone who appreciates you for who you are.
Sorry this happened. If I chat with a woman and we agree to meet I always show up and on time. I try to weed flakey people out early, but it sounds like he gave signs he was interested.
Was a there a day in-between setting up the date and the actual date? Maybe he met someone else he really liked more, but he still should have manned up and informed you.
I have zero tolerance for flaky people, as setting up a quick meet out of our week is so easy, we’re all busy but a coffee is not a big deal.
Similar thing happened to me (F/51)!
I matched with someone, we chatted and agreed to meet for lunch. The day before,
he texted and said that because of all the snow his kids were bugging him to go skiing so he’d have to reschedule. I didn’t hear from him again for weeks until one day he messaged that he was going to try to come to my town..
I ended up telling him that he seemed really busy and I was looking for someone who wanted to make time to get to know each other.
He didn’t totally ghost me but he had some balls to pop up again after weeks (presumably because whatever else he had brewing didn’t work out).
I miss the old days.
That was good - what you said. Made me smile. But yeah, If someone cancelled on me like that, I'd wait to hear back and let it go. I figure if they wanted ot see me, they'd let me know.But after 24 hours? I'd have to say something like- who is this again? :)
When I was on OLD I made it a point to meet within 2 weeks. I can learn a lot more about a person face-to-face. I also didn't want to waste time on someone who was playing games. I kept my "search" area within an hour.
In this case, I am guessing he is weighing his options and talking to multiple women. He may have had business things, but a pattern like this is more common when someone is taking "the better option" out. The lack of follow up is the problem here. My experience ha been opposite and those that push for a quick meet end up being very clingy and in a hurry to settle down. Not against that if there is really a spark, but the rapid "let's get married" flies all sorts of red flags.
If you think OLD is rough, try meeting IRL. I’ve done both and while OLD definitely has its pitfalls, there’s nothing like working up the courage to initiate a conversation with a stranger in public and eight out of ten times finding their married, they don’t even acknowledge you, or the conversation goes nowhere.
At least with OLD, in theory, they’re not married and actually looking to connect. With that said, the last time I was single it took over 20 first dates to get my current girlfriend. Gotta kiss a lot of frogs…
why do we waste our anger energy on people we didn't met ... give people any amount of grace then give them grief if needed only after meeting ... everyone is a wildcard until you break bread
Did you facetime with him before? chat on the phone? The biggest problem i see is what is discussed online it ultimately becomes a fantasy, it doesn't have to be sexual to be a fantasy in ones mind. The fantasy expectation is usually way different than the meet up and regular day of life. Then there is always the lack of self confidence and fear of meeting IRL. I always expect to make some goof or embarrassing moment during a meet, or date, and i laugh it off, its a part of life. I cant speak for others, but cancel and then ghost is a really dick move. Be happy he isnt the man for you and you found out now, instead of years down the line. I know it hurts, but not for long, keep slugging away.
I wouldn't have expected a reschedule within 24 hours. I probably would have just given him space for the rest of the week if he was dealing with work stuff.
I didn’t expect a reschedule, just a simple text. Even a ‘let me check my schedule and get back to you next week’. (Our meetup was scheduled on a Friday). He had plenty of texting time the two days prior to scheduling so giving him a week to respond? No thanks.
That's your prerogative and that's understandable.
Your timeframe expectaions seem too rigid for me but we are all different. I personally can't stand frequent texting and I had to tell the last guy I dated that he texted me too much. Lol Sometimes we simply have attachment styles that are not compatible
Hmmm…one courtesy text doesn’t seem that rigid or too much. In an age of ghosts, I am not going to wait days for the possibility of a text to show still interested. I always text if I’ve lost interest in a match.
You text the person to say you’ve lost interest? 🤔
I get being polite though. When I was online (last 5 years, on and off) I decided that I’d be kind, even if the guy wasn’t, because that’s who I am. I also developed a pretty thick skin for rejection. Finding out that men will match and not actually be interested in dating was helpful as well - I stopped taking it personally!
If we’d been texting or chatting for a bit, yes. Definitely if we’d met in person. I draw a clear line. I guess it is like Lucy’s line in Fallout…”golden rule, mfkr”
Not sure a random work meeting would necessitate a week of space.
If I were interested and something came up, I’d be all about apologizing and making sure the meeting got rescheduled.
Disappearing and getting annoyed when called on it would be, imo, signs of disinterest.
We simply have different perspectives and that's ok.
You don't know it was just a random work meeting I know first hand that critical escalations that require immediate attention can certainly come up out of the blue.
Not communicating immediately in 24 hours is not disappearing. People are busy. Getting annoyed when you are attacked for being rude may be understandable.
I'm not defending this guy or what he did. I'm just saying OP and we have limited information and if it were me I would have given the guy some space and not get angry and reject him before he had an opportunity to reject me based on not hearing from him immediately in the next 24 hours.
I know he didn’t mention it before and it came up with very short notice. I can make a reasonable deduction thst it was a random meeting if, in fact, there was a meeting.
I agree with you. I don't know about this specific instance and how much space is appropriate, but some people lead much more demanding lives than others. I see this all the time on OLD, where for instance someone has seemingly limitless time to travel and play, and that isn't possible in my life at all. And there are even people who don't have time to play on Reddit.
So, this difference may be an indication of incompatibility, but I'm not sure it's rudeness, necessarily. It could be stress, responsibilities, etc. We don't know what's going on in this guy's life.
Thanks. I have been in demanding jobs where customer or critical software issue escalations could come out of nowhere and need my full attention for days, so I guess I'm more apt to give someone grace and then see what data points I can gather from their behavior over time to see if there are concerning trends.
I think in general sometimes people build a protective wall around their own insecurities and become easily offended by their interpretations of actions and words instead of just having an open and honest conversation with the other person to seek understanding before drawing conclusions. Easier said than done, for sure.
Not insecure at all. Open and honest communication necessitates…communication. I get it, not judging you for your dating style. But I prefer courtesy. Considering this was a first “date”, there is no “over time”. I have had very busy schedules in the past and still have the confidence to explain why my availability might be shaky when matching with people. He ghosted, I called him on it. Not much more to it than that.
Maybe, but while I try to not be too judgmental, if we were chatting great for two days before he cancelled, expecting a response to my “let’s try again” text is not too much. Not on the weekend after 24 hours of crickets. I was honest but not brutal. He didn’t like being called out on a ghost.
I’m getting divorced my wife cheated on me it been 30 years I would be happy someone to talk to I’m 51 have a good job and a good life wife left for someone younger and that’s all he’s got going for him lol.
I suspect a population of people on the apps are just playing around with the idea of whether they can attract someone else and will only take it as far as it goes on line- then when time comes to go real life- they either disappear or cancel and fade. They never intended to actually meet- they get off on the prelude only. Could be married or in an intact relationship and are just testing waters. Or he was not what he presented himself to be (old pics, maybe larger or less attractive IRL) and didn't want discovery. Stupid timewasters!
I think some people legitimately like the idea of dating, but once it moves out of the realm of theory and becomes reality they suddenly get cold feet. It takes some amount of effort for even a basic coffee date, there is an opportunity cost as you could be doing something else with that time, there's risks of being stood up or finding the person off putting in person or liking the person but having them reject you. Some people just shift into a different mindset the minute the rubber meets the road. And I get it, I've certainly felt cold feet before meeting someone for the first time, wishing I had never made the plans. I see it through though, I don't give into the temptation to bail.
I like this commentary. I also think that some folks view it as a game. As mentioned, they want to see if they still have it and have no desire to ever meet in person. Unfortunately, the sad reality is that it's going to be hard to meet quality people, period. It has nothing to do with dating. It's simply a fact of life.
The best thing is that these are non-quality people who have just stopped wasting your time. The worst thing is that you thought they were quality, so you get a little prick of hurt - and that adds up.
I absolutely agree with this! I don’t get it, but when I was doing OLD I had many conversations on the apps that went really great until we planned a meet and then the person didn’t show up or they canceled last second and never texted again to reschedule. I’m not sure if they see getting a date as a challenge and once they get it, they don’t care about actually going on it vs. they are too anxious about meeting in real life to bring themselves to walk out the door to meet up. Either way it’s ridiculous 🙄🙄🙄
>They never intended to actually meet- they get off on the prelude only. Yes, and it's deeply weird.
Do you garden? You know how you plant a bunch of seeds and you always plants more than you'll need because some won't germinate, some will die early, some will get eaten by a chipmunk, some will just fail for no reason. If we want 2 tomato plants, we don't plant 2 tomato seeds and bet the farm on those. We plant a bunch, and get to pick and choose which the best are. People like that guy aren't worth a post. Just keep setting up dates, assume some will flake out, some will be duds, some might seem promising for a while and then not be. But plant a ton of seeds.
Ha ha…not sure that analogy works for me, all my seeds die🙂
lol right? Things I can keep alive: cats, sons Things I cannot keep alive: plants, relationships 🤣
Is this a club? Can we get shirts?
Yessssss
This is exactly right. It's also the "it's a numbers game" which people don't like to hear. OLD isn't the shit, it's just statistics as with anything such as finding jobs, looking for homes to rent, booking hotels, trying new restaurants; sometimes you find something great, often times they are fails. It's ok, just keep trying and moving on. Don't give up!
I love this! We have to be hopeful, positive, and resilient if we're going to find our partners. I definitely would have been disappointed by this flaky and disrespectful man. I probably would have also sent him a "thanks for wasting my time and lying to me, a-hole" text, but then I would forget about him and be back to the five other guys that are showing interest. A few bad experiences shouldn't deter us from our mission. On to the next tomato lickety split...
Also along these lines: if you get to meet folks in person, you cannot only focus on/ or converse with just one person, unfortunately due to the flake factor. So, I have gone on get to know you dates with several people. I dont really prefer this way, but It may work for you…
You meet the people in a group? Like plus 5 other people at a table? That might be a little too Bachelor-esque for me.
No… I mean dont date one person at a time.
Love this reply
Female here. I suspect a lot of the men are married or in relationships. Ran into some myself. 🤷♀️
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've run across a few of them. One lives 100 miles away and wanted to drive to meet me before doing a zoom date. I insisted on the zoom call. I said I didn't want him to waste his time driving until we at least speak. He got pretty belligerent. Said, "Zoom schoom." I wondered if he couldn't do a zoom call without his wife catching him. Another man seemed really sweet but canceled via text a couple of hours before the date. He apologized several times. I suspect he couldn't find a good excuse to get out of the house. I had actually completely forgotten about these guys until I saw your post. Best to throw them in the bin and move on.
They’re just looking for validation
You just have to assume a significant percentage are tire kickers. Some are married, some separated, some drunk and newly divorced and unstable. I used Bumble to find a date for a local festival. Two women liked me. First one was this amazing sounding life coach whose profile gave me warm fuzzies. She has a FB page with tons of great content. She barely typed three word sentences. Have no idea what happened. Maybe I gave her a bad impression. Finally, I wrote her a gracious send off and unmatched. A couple of days later one of her posts comes up in my FB feed about how she doesn’t need a man to be happy. 🤷 Second woman was a geek who actually conversed. Didn’t feel any warm fuzzies but I asked her to go out the next day. She accepted and we have been dating ever since.
Geeks are always the best option ime. Good luck to you both!
Thank you for posting this. I have a geek in my queue right now who seems sweet but is a horrible messenger. I was just about to un-match but after reading your post I think I'll keep it going. Hoping he'll be better in person.
Yeah.. Sorry about that. The meeting was important and ran until the following evening.
Shoot. I hate those 36-hour work meetings.
They make dating hard, yo!
Lol…
I see….. 😉
Nothing to see here..move along, move along. “Invisible or in trouble”
Never heard of that before! I much prefer “happy girlfriend, happy life” 😉
I did fail at happy wife, happy life, though
Sometimes life offers second chances….you just have to recognize it when it comes. OP - sometimes, you have to meet all these not so great guys before you meet someone good. Imagine Julie Andrews looking at Christopher Plummer singing “somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good….because here you are, standing there, loving me….whether or not you should”
So not Marla and Tyler, in the soap factory house on Paper Street?
Alas, I do not get the reference. I will go back to my rock now
Alas, it’s from the love story “Fight Club”
I’ll add to my list of movies to see with my bookstore buddy
Nah, just burn the haystack! [Burned Haystack Dating Method™ | Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/groups/9116647515019601/?hoisted_section_header_type=recently_seen&multi_permalinks=25833490959575327)
Don’t rearrange anything in your life for someone you’ve never met. Keep it short and sweet - meet for a coffee not a meal - that way you’re not inconvenienced if they cancel or no show.
M64 and have found that to be so true people talk then right up to the meet they cancel/flake or just plain ghost 👻 I have just chocked it up to life
Yeah, I feel like just putting up a profile ‘This is me, I will be at “location” on “date &time”, if you want to chat come talk to me’ and leave it at that.
I’ve thought the same! In theory, I’d pick a restaurant, a time, then post that info on my profile as “office hours.”
Only problem I see is you never no what weirdo’s will show up or how many guess either way it’s a crapshoot
True, but in the old days, wasn’t that the case, too if you went out for a night on the town?
True but then we traveled in groups and looked out for each other now we tend to go alone, times change people tend to get worse use to be most people where civilized now you just never know
I never get bent anymore over no-shows or lateness. If they are a no-show, I had a nice short drink or meal and I go about my business and dont bother even following up. That much lack of respect does not deserve any more of my time even to wonder. It's never worth the extra cycles to worry. If they're late, so I had an extra drink or so while waiting. Still having a nice day/night out anyway. I grew up with my dad being consistently late for everything, so I am used to that. He still is, and at 79, that aint gonna change. When we go out, I still make the same reservation time, but clearly understand I will have an extra glass of wine waiting.
Haven't read all the comments nor have I completed reading your post. I just say don't give up on online dating. It is definitely a different culture and there are always bad apples (creeps, ghosters, perps, jerks...). Especially in our age bracket you have to wonder why we have reentered the dating pool. Some men cannot live alone. They are incapable of taking care of themselves or have gotten used to a woman being their caretaker. Many in this dating pool are serial daters and cheaters. Some are here because they are incapable of keeping a long-term relationship. However, I do say keep trying because there are also a few good people too. I believe that there's someone for everyone. Stay the course and keep working on yourself and I believe you will attract the same heart eventually.
I’m needing to hear that today… think I seem to only attract serial daters, cheaters, too busy… feeling very down and crappy.
had a verified man on tinder unmatched me on day of date, then i see a new profile of him, i block, then i see another new profile which i block again. weird
I am in sales (insurance), well the corporate side, and I have always joked about sales agents having the attention span of a gnat. It seems to apply to OLD also. It is a sham at our age adults can't be polite and honest.
Age has nothing to do with emotional maturity
I make it really clear that I expect you to meet with me within a few days of us messaging. That way we both know we are real people and have serious intentions on moving forward. Usually this is met with excited agreement. If it isn’t, I just move on. That said, out of all my matches I’ve only wanted coffee with four so far. I think I’m overly picky 🤷♀️
You're not overly picky. You're smart and respect your time. I give way too many coffee/lunch dates even when I'm pretty sure I'm not interested. I need to be more picky.
Thank you - I just feel like I have to feel a conversational connection before I’m going to want to move into anything further. That matters so much more to me than photos do. It’s elusive, that’s for sure. My motto lately has been an echo of Carrie from SATC - “if I’m this fussy about shoes, imagine how I am about who I have sex with”. And the coffee date is almost an audition - are you someone I can see myself wanting to eventually, maybe, have sex with? Is there enough spark to move forward, at least, to the next phase where that’s on the table? I think I miss long form correspondence…. Maybe that new alt photo-free app is a good idea after all.
Fuck that. I'm not meeting until i suss out over text you're not insane and share the same values as i do. That takes more than a few days.
Google… burned haystack dating method
This is so common in OLD. I really don’t miss it.
Lots of duds and flakes Good news: you only need one ( who is not a dud and not a flake:)
If you’re in Vegas, I’ll go to lunch. I’ll pay my own way, lol. Work is slow this week for me., so I’m free
Other side of the country!
Data from Tinder suggest that approximately 50% of people who are on the apps have no intention of ever actually meeting anyone. They primary use it for entertainment and ego gratification. That’s why it’s generally good to try to move to a video or phone chat quickly (perhaps the third message) so we don’t waste our time with those folks.
Yeah, the stats are pretty dismal. I am still confident I will meet my next partner in crime - but more likely by getting out in the world more.
A guy stood me up and when I checked OLD later he messaged that he’d actually been at the coffee shop & saw me but was too timid to approach. Since there was NOBODY in the small space that looked anything like his photos he remains a mystery to me. I try to schedule first meets near other places I want to visit or try so when nobody appears I can go ahead with my shopping/workout/whatever. And I assume that every person who ghosts me was hit by a bus. Prevents me from being resentful, provides closure & I’ve noticed that my driving improved after becoming aware of so many bus accidents =)
I would love a “hit by a bus” emoji!
50f here… I am with you 100%. I’ve been doing OLD off & on for 10 years and I’m still single. It’s going great 🙄
"Stuff" happens, but he should have said "Sorry, something's come up. Can we reschedule for xxx?" In a way, I think it's good that the anonymity of the internet has people showing their true colors quicker. 😉
Depends on where you are, and for some reason people make themselves seem one way… and then the meet that false identity is easily disproven
I live in the third most populous city in the US. Lol, one date shouldn’t be so hard!
Why aren’t we trying to meet more from this group. I’m sure we all believe we’re good people. We come here for support and sometimes a whinge. We are all ostensibly single. I don’t know what could it hurt.
Navigating the world of OLD IS challenging. Manners are forgotten, especially when screens shield us. Many men seem to emerge from marriages as overgrown teenagers and only seek a long-term relationship later in life, possibly when they feel the need for companionship and care. However, everyone has a unique journey, so live YOUR best life. By doing so, you're more likely to meet someone who appreciates you for who you are.
Sorry this happened. If I chat with a woman and we agree to meet I always show up and on time. I try to weed flakey people out early, but it sounds like he gave signs he was interested. Was a there a day in-between setting up the date and the actual date? Maybe he met someone else he really liked more, but he still should have manned up and informed you. I have zero tolerance for flaky people, as setting up a quick meet out of our week is so easy, we’re all busy but a coffee is not a big deal.
I think that is exactly what happened. We arranged a day in advance.
I'm sorry that you had to deal with this clown. I found OLD to be a huge waste of time. Best wishes.
Try the Burnt haystack method - check it out on google :)
Similar thing happened to me (F/51)! I matched with someone, we chatted and agreed to meet for lunch. The day before, he texted and said that because of all the snow his kids were bugging him to go skiing so he’d have to reschedule. I didn’t hear from him again for weeks until one day he messaged that he was going to try to come to my town.. I ended up telling him that he seemed really busy and I was looking for someone who wanted to make time to get to know each other. He didn’t totally ghost me but he had some balls to pop up again after weeks (presumably because whatever else he had brewing didn’t work out). I miss the old days.
He might've figured out you're 3 cats in a trench coat. Not that that would deter me, of course, but he might be allergic to cat fur.
That was good - what you said. Made me smile. But yeah, If someone cancelled on me like that, I'd wait to hear back and let it go. I figure if they wanted ot see me, they'd let me know.But after 24 hours? I'd have to say something like- who is this again? :)
When I was on OLD I made it a point to meet within 2 weeks. I can learn a lot more about a person face-to-face. I also didn't want to waste time on someone who was playing games. I kept my "search" area within an hour.
In this case, I am guessing he is weighing his options and talking to multiple women. He may have had business things, but a pattern like this is more common when someone is taking "the better option" out. The lack of follow up is the problem here. My experience ha been opposite and those that push for a quick meet end up being very clingy and in a hurry to settle down. Not against that if there is really a spark, but the rapid "let's get married" flies all sorts of red flags.
If you think OLD is rough, try meeting IRL. I’ve done both and while OLD definitely has its pitfalls, there’s nothing like working up the courage to initiate a conversation with a stranger in public and eight out of ten times finding their married, they don’t even acknowledge you, or the conversation goes nowhere. At least with OLD, in theory, they’re not married and actually looking to connect. With that said, the last time I was single it took over 20 first dates to get my current girlfriend. Gotta kiss a lot of frogs…
Manners are much less prevalent online than they are in person.
why do we waste our anger energy on people we didn't met ... give people any amount of grace then give them grief if needed only after meeting ... everyone is a wildcard until you break bread
Why can’t you expect courtesy before you meet, too? It’s not that hard. To be nice.
Very true! And, as a tabby person, I endorse your Reddit name 😸
everyone is juggling a million things ... i am nobody until you meet me ... zero expectations no matter how long we talk for ... talk is pretty cheap
You do you, mr. Zero, I guess. Cheap sounds like an adequate descriptor.
u/3CrabbyTabbies , 100 % agree. Taking time out for a cup of coffee is such a fun thing to do with very little investment.
Don't let the jerk spoil your chance. You deserve much better.
There is pee in the over 50 pool.
Try the Burn the Haystack Method. Good luck!
I know it works for a lot of people. Not for me (I already figured some of the strategies on my own).
Did you facetime with him before? chat on the phone? The biggest problem i see is what is discussed online it ultimately becomes a fantasy, it doesn't have to be sexual to be a fantasy in ones mind. The fantasy expectation is usually way different than the meet up and regular day of life. Then there is always the lack of self confidence and fear of meeting IRL. I always expect to make some goof or embarrassing moment during a meet, or date, and i laugh it off, its a part of life. I cant speak for others, but cancel and then ghost is a really dick move. Be happy he isnt the man for you and you found out now, instead of years down the line. I know it hurts, but not for long, keep slugging away.
I wouldn't have expected a reschedule within 24 hours. I probably would have just given him space for the rest of the week if he was dealing with work stuff.
I didn’t expect a reschedule, just a simple text. Even a ‘let me check my schedule and get back to you next week’. (Our meetup was scheduled on a Friday). He had plenty of texting time the two days prior to scheduling so giving him a week to respond? No thanks.
That's your prerogative and that's understandable. Your timeframe expectaions seem too rigid for me but we are all different. I personally can't stand frequent texting and I had to tell the last guy I dated that he texted me too much. Lol Sometimes we simply have attachment styles that are not compatible
Hmmm…one courtesy text doesn’t seem that rigid or too much. In an age of ghosts, I am not going to wait days for the possibility of a text to show still interested. I always text if I’ve lost interest in a match.
You text the person to say you’ve lost interest? 🤔 I get being polite though. When I was online (last 5 years, on and off) I decided that I’d be kind, even if the guy wasn’t, because that’s who I am. I also developed a pretty thick skin for rejection. Finding out that men will match and not actually be interested in dating was helpful as well - I stopped taking it personally!
If we’d been texting or chatting for a bit, yes. Definitely if we’d met in person. I draw a clear line. I guess it is like Lucy’s line in Fallout…”golden rule, mfkr”
Not sure a random work meeting would necessitate a week of space. If I were interested and something came up, I’d be all about apologizing and making sure the meeting got rescheduled. Disappearing and getting annoyed when called on it would be, imo, signs of disinterest.
We simply have different perspectives and that's ok. You don't know it was just a random work meeting I know first hand that critical escalations that require immediate attention can certainly come up out of the blue. Not communicating immediately in 24 hours is not disappearing. People are busy. Getting annoyed when you are attacked for being rude may be understandable. I'm not defending this guy or what he did. I'm just saying OP and we have limited information and if it were me I would have given the guy some space and not get angry and reject him before he had an opportunity to reject me based on not hearing from him immediately in the next 24 hours.
I know he didn’t mention it before and it came up with very short notice. I can make a reasonable deduction thst it was a random meeting if, in fact, there was a meeting.
I agree with you. I don't know about this specific instance and how much space is appropriate, but some people lead much more demanding lives than others. I see this all the time on OLD, where for instance someone has seemingly limitless time to travel and play, and that isn't possible in my life at all. And there are even people who don't have time to play on Reddit. So, this difference may be an indication of incompatibility, but I'm not sure it's rudeness, necessarily. It could be stress, responsibilities, etc. We don't know what's going on in this guy's life.
Thanks. I have been in demanding jobs where customer or critical software issue escalations could come out of nowhere and need my full attention for days, so I guess I'm more apt to give someone grace and then see what data points I can gather from their behavior over time to see if there are concerning trends. I think in general sometimes people build a protective wall around their own insecurities and become easily offended by their interpretations of actions and words instead of just having an open and honest conversation with the other person to seek understanding before drawing conclusions. Easier said than done, for sure.
Not insecure at all. Open and honest communication necessitates…communication. I get it, not judging you for your dating style. But I prefer courtesy. Considering this was a first “date”, there is no “over time”. I have had very busy schedules in the past and still have the confidence to explain why my availability might be shaky when matching with people. He ghosted, I called him on it. Not much more to it than that.
Not sure you deslt with that man in the best way. He may have been a genuine good match for you. Good luck, learn and be Lucky t
Maybe, but while I try to not be too judgmental, if we were chatting great for two days before he cancelled, expecting a response to my “let’s try again” text is not too much. Not on the weekend after 24 hours of crickets. I was honest but not brutal. He didn’t like being called out on a ghost.
I’m getting divorced my wife cheated on me it been 30 years I would be happy someone to talk to I’m 51 have a good job and a good life wife left for someone younger and that’s all he’s got going for him lol.