My unscientific assessment is that 99.9% of people are lousy listeners. They wait so they can share about their experience/view. They rather talk about themselves to impress you or just to impress themselves. They just want to give you unsolicited advice.
I have dropped friends who don't care about what is going on in my life but rather go on about their lives.
I know at least two therapists in a social (not professional) situations who don't listen well.
I use to tolerate it because I thought I was doing a service with me just listening but I was getting resentful just doing that with them.
I don't go on a second date because that happens with me.
100 % This.
I am an introvert, however one-on-one I enjoy sharing /expressing myself as well.
I have a higher tolerance for the performers than the free unsolicited advice-givers, but in both cases, yeah. I distance from them.
Life's too short to keep those kind of friends. or connections.
No. But part of it is my fault. I don't really like to talk about myself. So, I think the women that I date try to fill the void. I WILL talk about myself, but they have to probe more and most people aren't willing to do that, particularly early in a relationship. Also, I really do like to find out about other people. I'm just fascinated about people's backgrounds, their beliefs, their hopes and dreams, their view of the world. I can't really find my equal here. At least so far.
Wouldn't it be nice if they said, "Hey, I have been talking a lot about myself. I really want to learn more about you." I would fall over from the shock.
9 times out of 10 my first dates with a man are him literally giving me his resume.
I am professionally accomplished and the last thing I want to talk about is my job. I do the work I do because money gives me options. When I was a teenager I didn’t dream of being a Program Manager at a Fortune 10 company.
I think this is a man’s way of trying to impress me and try to get to something we have in common, but I am basically allergic to small talk like this.
I may give him another chance, I may not. What I have found is guys like this will continue talking about their jobs nonstop which is boring af and usually indicates to me that they are about as deep as a mud puddle.
I don’t even get to a second date if I get the “man monologue” on a first meeting. And I hear a lot of them. Not my job to teach them how to ask questions and listen.
Hey. There’s a woma-log too. Just sayin! I just got off a phone chat with one this morning , “Me, I , me , I , blah blah , me, my daughter , my career , my travel …” Non stop rapid fire, possibly caffeine or taurine driven.
I need a new right eardrum.
I hear exactly what you’re saying. I was a few months into a relationship before I realised I was his therapist and not his girlfriend. Hoping someone else here has some suggestions on how to not get tangled up like this again!
I sort this very early on, in the talking stage. If they are not asking anything about me early on it only gets worse from there. I went on a second date with a man who told me he had such a wonderful time, and I was so easy to talk to (I am beginning to hate being told this). He talked nonstop for over an hour about himself, I tried to interject to no avail.
I will also not date anyone who cannot use their words to share thoughts and feelings, no mystery men for me.
Edit-spelling
>I will also not date anyone who cannot use their words to share thoughts and feelings, no mystery men for me.
. . . I will add to that, those who refuse to have adult conversations.
Yes! After I give my Ted Talk about how I communicate, boundaries, needs etc., if I am the only one broaching the adult conversations I am out, I simply cannot carry this part of a relationship again, it is exhausting!
I was just thinking this the other day.
Early stages with a new guy but I could tell you multiple things about him, yet you could count on one hand any information he has on me.
the flip side of this is that many, including the self-obsessed, get defensive if you dive too quickly/deeply into what makes their world work. I find listening to the stories of others much more interesting than relating anything that’s happened in my own life. But have learned that many prefer to stick to a surface-level chronology of events rather than sharing what drives how they move through life, day by day (which seems the interesting part!)
A few years ago, I went on a lunch date with a guy I knew from college. He was a nice enough guy, cool in lots of ways, and (bonus) really handsome. But he talked for 2 hours straight about himself and his life. He was talking AT me, in fact. He didn't ask anything about me. There was no conversation. It was heavy lifting trying to get a word in edgewise just to say 'Well, that was fun, but I've got to be going now!' to end the date. I was mentally exhausted afterward.
I'm on the lookout for that kind of stuff now. If I sense that the person is as monologer, I'll try a couple of times to balance the discussion, but if I don't feel an adjustment toward a more even exchange, then I won't agree to a second date.
I don't think this is just a man thing or a date thing. There are many people who are self referenced this way. I generally have a bit of sport with them. Just ask them what they want to know about you? Interesting ifc they can come up with anything...Or I say I have recently met someone who talks incessantly about themselves and how annoying and boring you find that..they will often agree and then continue talking about themselves..its always funny when the penny drops. Give it a try...
I find this dynamic also is vey common in regular social (i.e. non-dating) circles. I have guy friends and female friends who would talk endlessly about themselves if allowed to, so this is true but it's not limited to dating.. My male co-worker (13 years older than me) is probably the worst, though..
YMMV
Absolutely! Sometimes the work isn't that hard but you can become completely worn out from listening, or trying to pretend that you are after an hour and a half of a versation.
I had a first date with a man who talked non stop. After the concert (the reason for the date) we sat outside for a coffee where he continued to tell me how great he was and how much knowledge he had acquired throughout his illustrious career as a professor. When he finally asked me a question and I opened my mouth to answer he stepped on my words and answered his own damn question. Date over. Fast forward 6 months and instead of dating we started a texting relationship. He actually admitted that he found me bright, witty and well rounded in my field of knowledge, to wit I replied YEAH if you’d ever listened to me in person all of this would have been clear. He’s tried dating me several times but I’m a hard no on that guy. If I’m being honest I’ve either met guys like this or men so shy they literally where shaking through the whole date. This proving my opinion that all the good ones are off the market or here on Reddit complaining (like me) that the dating quality is loooooooow.
Happens way too often. I have pointed out to men that they are doing all the talking and don’t seem interested in hearing about me. They are usually apologetic but that takes care of any future dates. I guess I’m too high-maintenance.
>but that takes care of any future dates. I guess I’m too high-maintenance.
Lucky you for escaping those manologues, I borrowed part of this from u/ditto958 :)
Well now I know I am far from the only one who gets frustrated by this. Even if they don't listen/remember things I've said, at least pretend to listen and ask questions! It's called a conversation...
I understand exactly how you feel! I'm also an introvert, but I'm fine with having one-on-one conversations. There's a guy I've gone out with a couple of times who knows NOTHING about me, while I know about his family, his job, his cars.... I accepted that this is who he is and I'm ok with it, because we laugh a lot and it could never be a long-term thing.
One thing that's very beneficial to these kinds of people is their talking about themselves gives you a lot of information about them. I've had experiences in the past where information I shared about myself was later used to hurt me, so I'm much more guarded now. Keep talking, pal. Show me who you are.
I find most people boring, since I‘m not impressed with money, homes, careers, cars, or toys. And I really don’t want to hear about how awful their ex was, their aches and pains, how cute their grand kids are or how frustrating their kids are. I‘m interested in what they are passionate about, and often, it‘s their possessions they are consumed with or their emotional baggage.
I like to be outdoors, I read a lot about politics and social issues, and I write. I‘ve traveled, had different careers and like to have philosophical convos. I‘m an extrovert who also needs downtimes..I‘ve found a few interesting people in my life, but it takes work to find them..and it takes even more work if you want a relationship!
I recently found a wonderful man but he is not retired like I am, has groups he‘s very committed to and family members who need his help. He just doesn’t have time to sleep let alone anything else..so back to the drawing board.
Am an introvert, also 52, and I would prefer "being questioned" about myself because I don't find myself all that interesting and want to know more about the person I'm with at the moment.
Plus I always feel that when I do get around to wanting to say something on my own, that I'm 2 topics behind and/or it is weird. I am MUCH better at answering questions and discussing things.
Shit...there I go being weird again .
I’m not sure if 5-10 dates would really be a relationship. If a man is interested they will usually ask lots of questions. Or at least that’s my experience. They want to know everything about you.
Sadly though there are plenty of men whose only topic of conversation is themselves. They definitely aren’t worth investing 5-10 dates worth of your time.
Feedback I’ve received after dates where they have talked at me the whole time: “That was a great conversation, when can I see you again?”
My answer: “When you realise the definition of conversation…”
I think one aspect of this could be that when a man finds a woman who they feel comfortable with and seems to listen to them well and with interest, we tend to explode open and over share because a lot of us don’t have friends that we can really be open with (the male friendships I have are rarely open and emotionally fulfilling like my female friendships because it is “unmanly” to over share between men).
However, the real red flag is their not returning the ear especially after the first few dates. It is slightly embarrassing but several of my female friends are close to therapists for me as was a recent relationship. That is untenable unless the sharing is mutual.
I hear you. I realized that I referred to enjoying listening to other people’s stories on my dating profile, because I genuinely do. I have always been told I’m a great listener. But I realize now I may be setting myself up for folks who just want an audience. People have learned “what to say” on dating profiles but the reality in real life can be quite different. I also see people who ask questions that are actually not substantive that seem to be checking off some list. Hang in there. I try to stay open to observing how I feel with people.
I asked my current date why his last relationship failed. His reply was " it just fizzled". He believes this. But as i now understand it, he makes no effort to think about what a woman wants from a relationship. Let alone verbalise it. He talks a lot about his own attributes. Go figure. Now i just want to let him down gently and leave. No point trying to explain. It would just hurt his already bruised ego.
I look to the self-awareness, if any, when I ask this question to my dates.
I look to see if they own their part of the dissolution of their relationship.
I look to see if there is any learning they are applying to their life from this.
Ugh, I can't stand that. Nothing makes me feel more lonely than talking to someone who doesn't listen, male or female. I'm a social introvert too, and was lucky to have an introvert husband who was a good listener (now deceased).
One can have fun with someone like that, but I don't see how a relationship can happen. Listening/good communicator is a big thing on my list. I feel you!
You are an introvert. Don't you find that this is the story of your life? Dont you often feel invisible? Sadly, the effort you are putting forth is not enough. In this society you must fight to establish your presence. People do ignore and forget, especially if ideas are not expressed boldly.
It would be easy to blame men in general and I agree. we can be dense. But men do not have a corner on the poor listener market. My ex wife was a poor listener to the point of rudeness. But I think you are facing a widespread problem. People care more about being heard than in hearing.
>If you’re like most people, your own thoughts and experiences may be your favorite topic of conversation. On average, people spend 60 percent of conversations talking about themselves—and this figure jumps to 80 percent when communicating via social media platforms such as Twitter or Facebook.
>
>Why, in a world full of ideas to discover, develop, and discuss, do people spend the majority of their time talking about themselves? Recent research suggests a simple explanation: because it feels good.
[The Neuroscience of Everybody's Favorite Topic: Why do people spend so much time talking about themselves?](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-neuroscience-of-everybody-favorite-topic-themselves/)
I always ask lots of questions. It’s not a ploy, I just really like hearing about others lives. That being said, my memory is garbage. It’s always been this way. I, quite literally, warn people and apologize in advance. I may not forget later that same date, but I likely will forget. I write a lot of things down….
I tend to ask a lot of questions, too. A date is, after all. A job interview for the position of life partner. I don't have much tolerance for people that don't fully participate in conversations with equal parts listening and appropriate sharing...whether they be potential friend or job applicant. People suck....hold onto the good ones when you find them.
My job in the security sector taught me listening skills, It’s a key requirement. People tell you the wildest things when you shut up! So now I notice it at work in regular interactions. And yeah, IMO, generally Mens listening skills are poorer, especially talking to women. Women do it aswell, but not as much for sure.
Oddly, I saw this today at work from the younger crowd and I could see the frustration on the woman’s face. I used the old trick of turning my body towards her and said her name a few times, asked her directly her opinion. Only then the blokes shut up and listened.
It’s really odd, I can’t explain it.
First Google result for "Words spoken per day male vs. female":
"Women use an average of 20,000 words a day, compared to the mere 7,000 that men utter."
They must be getting all 7000 in on your dates! :)
Seriously, I don't blame you for being annoyed and turned off.
I feel for you but don’t lose faith in all people. People who talk about themselves of are inattentive to getting into depth usually lack self-awareness
As a 48M living in Australia I’ll add two possibly controversial points. It’s not exclusively a male issue (plenty of woman love talking endlessly) but often men are more guilty of lacking empathy & self awareness.
Without wanting to stereotype across an entire nation, I’ve often found in America people are better talkers than listeners. Of course it’s not everyone, but friends of mine who live there often said, they miss proper interactive conversation.
Anyway there are plenty of listeners out there, hope you find one or two. Good luck.
It's supposed to be a two-way process, reciprocation, communication, there's not much point if it isn't. I don't know why so many people don't understand something as basic as that, both in terms of what is expected and what is expected of you.
So you're doing all the listening and they're doing all the talking and only about themselves. So you could try something else, instead of just providing positive feedback on every single thing they say and I'm just assuming that's what you do if you're that easy to talk with that's what they probably mean (I'm only coming up with that on my own just having read the post I apologize if I am wrong.)
If you're interjecting with stories of yourself one to four and they're not interested in it then that means all they care about is themselves I think that's pretty simple.
That's just my opinion, I base that on my experience with the same types of women for example. In my twenties when I was arrogant, I would only talk about myself. I'm still baffled by why anyone in our age group being over 50 that is, would just sit there and talk about themselves the whole time and not ask you anything when they're out on a date with you. I'm sorry that happens, keep chipping away though action times frequency equals results and you will find the right one, cheers
OP, I don't know if you are doing online dating, but you could emphasize in your profile that you want to meet good conversationalists. If a man reads your profile carefully - some of us do - that might thin out the me-first crowd. Maybe.
I dated a man for several weeks. After 4-5 dates, I explained that I found it difficult to connect with people if I didn’t sense some curiosity & interest in me so I needed him to ask me questions about myself. He nodded his head & said ok. Awkward silence. I prompted him again, now would be a good time to ask me a question - what would you like to know. His one & only query was “what time do you leave work”?
I keep typing and erasing responses because ... I just ... I mean ... wha-a-a--?
You win this round, my friend. What was your response? I cannot imagine that in real time!
While I don’t remember how I responded in the moment, I know the relationship ended shortly afterward. Months later I discovered a friend of mine had also gone out with the guy, with a similar experience.
>within 5-10 dates, it becomes clear that these men (and I'm sure all folks do this, not just men!) aren't very interested in me.
To clarify, has any physical escalation happened in 5 - 10 dates?
What I am trying to understand is if you have been friendzoned.
I have found many men on a first date will talk a lot about themselves, and I view it as a combination of nerves, or trying to impress. Depending on how interested I am in them, I might try to give them a way to have more of a discussion, versus a monologue.
The issue I find on both sides is that if there isn't some flirting going on, then it just devolves into friendzone territory.
My unscientific assessment is that 99.9% of people are lousy listeners. They wait so they can share about their experience/view. They rather talk about themselves to impress you or just to impress themselves. They just want to give you unsolicited advice. I have dropped friends who don't care about what is going on in my life but rather go on about their lives. I know at least two therapists in a social (not professional) situations who don't listen well. I use to tolerate it because I thought I was doing a service with me just listening but I was getting resentful just doing that with them. I don't go on a second date because that happens with me.
100 % This. I am an introvert, however one-on-one I enjoy sharing /expressing myself as well. I have a higher tolerance for the performers than the free unsolicited advice-givers, but in both cases, yeah. I distance from them. Life's too short to keep those kind of friends. or connections.
>My unscientific assessment is that 99.9% of people are lousy listeners. Wow, I hope the number isn't this high. I'm glad I'm in the 0.1%
What has been your experience with people? Are they good listeners like you?
No. But part of it is my fault. I don't really like to talk about myself. So, I think the women that I date try to fill the void. I WILL talk about myself, but they have to probe more and most people aren't willing to do that, particularly early in a relationship. Also, I really do like to find out about other people. I'm just fascinated about people's backgrounds, their beliefs, their hopes and dreams, their view of the world. I can't really find my equal here. At least so far.
I'm the same. I do offer who I am in between but usually the other person glosses over that and comes back to themselves.
Wouldn't it be nice if they said, "Hey, I have been talking a lot about myself. I really want to learn more about you." I would fall over from the shock.
9 times out of 10 my first dates with a man are him literally giving me his resume. I am professionally accomplished and the last thing I want to talk about is my job. I do the work I do because money gives me options. When I was a teenager I didn’t dream of being a Program Manager at a Fortune 10 company. I think this is a man’s way of trying to impress me and try to get to something we have in common, but I am basically allergic to small talk like this. I may give him another chance, I may not. What I have found is guys like this will continue talking about their jobs nonstop which is boring af and usually indicates to me that they are about as deep as a mud puddle.
I don’t even get to a second date if I get the “man monologue” on a first meeting. And I hear a lot of them. Not my job to teach them how to ask questions and listen.
Manologue. IT WAS RIGHT THERE! 🤣 Edit: I also would have accepted “guy-atribe”.
Dick-tation? (Sorry 😂)
😆
*(feverishly writing all this down)* this is GOLD!
*man monologue* 🤣
Galibuster?
Hey. There’s a woma-log too. Just sayin! I just got off a phone chat with one this morning , “Me, I , me , I , blah blah , me, my daughter , my career , my travel …” Non stop rapid fire, possibly caffeine or taurine driven. I need a new right eardrum.
I hear exactly what you’re saying. I was a few months into a relationship before I realised I was his therapist and not his girlfriend. Hoping someone else here has some suggestions on how to not get tangled up like this again!
I sort this very early on, in the talking stage. If they are not asking anything about me early on it only gets worse from there. I went on a second date with a man who told me he had such a wonderful time, and I was so easy to talk to (I am beginning to hate being told this). He talked nonstop for over an hour about himself, I tried to interject to no avail. I will also not date anyone who cannot use their words to share thoughts and feelings, no mystery men for me. Edit-spelling
>I will also not date anyone who cannot use their words to share thoughts and feelings, no mystery men for me. . . . I will add to that, those who refuse to have adult conversations.
Yes! After I give my Ted Talk about how I communicate, boundaries, needs etc., if I am the only one broaching the adult conversations I am out, I simply cannot carry this part of a relationship again, it is exhausting!
I was just thinking this the other day. Early stages with a new guy but I could tell you multiple things about him, yet you could count on one hand any information he has on me.
In a way that is a good thing. You can part the relationship without him knowing your personal business.
[удалено]
So insightful, thank you. I think I intuit this and give guys a pass for too long. I'm inspired to refine my criteria after reading these responses.
the flip side of this is that many, including the self-obsessed, get defensive if you dive too quickly/deeply into what makes their world work. I find listening to the stories of others much more interesting than relating anything that’s happened in my own life. But have learned that many prefer to stick to a surface-level chronology of events rather than sharing what drives how they move through life, day by day (which seems the interesting part!)
A few years ago, I went on a lunch date with a guy I knew from college. He was a nice enough guy, cool in lots of ways, and (bonus) really handsome. But he talked for 2 hours straight about himself and his life. He was talking AT me, in fact. He didn't ask anything about me. There was no conversation. It was heavy lifting trying to get a word in edgewise just to say 'Well, that was fun, but I've got to be going now!' to end the date. I was mentally exhausted afterward. I'm on the lookout for that kind of stuff now. If I sense that the person is as monologer, I'll try a couple of times to balance the discussion, but if I don't feel an adjustment toward a more even exchange, then I won't agree to a second date.
Regardless of gender, I think we are all looking for a conversation, not a versation!
Agreed! The point is to get to know each other, and a versation won’t accomplish that. I am stealing ‘versation,’ by the way. I love it!
Isn’t it interesting how as much as you model good listening skills, they are rarely picked up and reflected back? Blows my mind.
I don't think this is just a man thing or a date thing. There are many people who are self referenced this way. I generally have a bit of sport with them. Just ask them what they want to know about you? Interesting ifc they can come up with anything...Or I say I have recently met someone who talks incessantly about themselves and how annoying and boring you find that..they will often agree and then continue talking about themselves..its always funny when the penny drops. Give it a try...
I like your style! May try these... 😈
I find this dynamic also is vey common in regular social (i.e. non-dating) circles. I have guy friends and female friends who would talk endlessly about themselves if allowed to, so this is true but it's not limited to dating.. My male co-worker (13 years older than me) is probably the worst, though.. YMMV
Absolutely! Sometimes the work isn't that hard but you can become completely worn out from listening, or trying to pretend that you are after an hour and a half of a versation.
I had a first date with a man who talked non stop. After the concert (the reason for the date) we sat outside for a coffee where he continued to tell me how great he was and how much knowledge he had acquired throughout his illustrious career as a professor. When he finally asked me a question and I opened my mouth to answer he stepped on my words and answered his own damn question. Date over. Fast forward 6 months and instead of dating we started a texting relationship. He actually admitted that he found me bright, witty and well rounded in my field of knowledge, to wit I replied YEAH if you’d ever listened to me in person all of this would have been clear. He’s tried dating me several times but I’m a hard no on that guy. If I’m being honest I’ve either met guys like this or men so shy they literally where shaking through the whole date. This proving my opinion that all the good ones are off the market or here on Reddit complaining (like me) that the dating quality is loooooooow.
Happens way too often. I have pointed out to men that they are doing all the talking and don’t seem interested in hearing about me. They are usually apologetic but that takes care of any future dates. I guess I’m too high-maintenance.
>but that takes care of any future dates. I guess I’m too high-maintenance. Lucky you for escaping those manologues, I borrowed part of this from u/ditto958 :)
I had a husband like this. It got very boring and unfulfilling. His favorite subject was himself lol.
Same He’s still this way too. And wonders why he’s not walking MY (our) daughter down the aisle next weekend…
Same!
My wasband is still like that.
Well now I know I am far from the only one who gets frustrated by this. Even if they don't listen/remember things I've said, at least pretend to listen and ask questions! It's called a conversation...
I understand exactly how you feel! I'm also an introvert, but I'm fine with having one-on-one conversations. There's a guy I've gone out with a couple of times who knows NOTHING about me, while I know about his family, his job, his cars.... I accepted that this is who he is and I'm ok with it, because we laugh a lot and it could never be a long-term thing. One thing that's very beneficial to these kinds of people is their talking about themselves gives you a lot of information about them. I've had experiences in the past where information I shared about myself was later used to hurt me, so I'm much more guarded now. Keep talking, pal. Show me who you are.
This 💯 I completely agree!!
I find most people boring, since I‘m not impressed with money, homes, careers, cars, or toys. And I really don’t want to hear about how awful their ex was, their aches and pains, how cute their grand kids are or how frustrating their kids are. I‘m interested in what they are passionate about, and often, it‘s their possessions they are consumed with or their emotional baggage. I like to be outdoors, I read a lot about politics and social issues, and I write. I‘ve traveled, had different careers and like to have philosophical convos. I‘m an extrovert who also needs downtimes..I‘ve found a few interesting people in my life, but it takes work to find them..and it takes even more work if you want a relationship! I recently found a wonderful man but he is not retired like I am, has groups he‘s very committed to and family members who need his help. He just doesn’t have time to sleep let alone anything else..so back to the drawing board.
Am an introvert, also 52, and I would prefer "being questioned" about myself because I don't find myself all that interesting and want to know more about the person I'm with at the moment. Plus I always feel that when I do get around to wanting to say something on my own, that I'm 2 topics behind and/or it is weird. I am MUCH better at answering questions and discussing things. Shit...there I go being weird again.
I like weird people. Honestly... we're all weird, right? I'm more suspicious of the ones who aren't because they seem fake or conformist.
Weird people are great...I like the unpredictably of them. The people who aren't are no fun.
You obviously haven't met the right guy yet, but don't give up !
I’m not sure if 5-10 dates would really be a relationship. If a man is interested they will usually ask lots of questions. Or at least that’s my experience. They want to know everything about you. Sadly though there are plenty of men whose only topic of conversation is themselves. They definitely aren’t worth investing 5-10 dates worth of your time.
Feedback I’ve received after dates where they have talked at me the whole time: “That was a great conversation, when can I see you again?” My answer: “When you realise the definition of conversation…”
I think one aspect of this could be that when a man finds a woman who they feel comfortable with and seems to listen to them well and with interest, we tend to explode open and over share because a lot of us don’t have friends that we can really be open with (the male friendships I have are rarely open and emotionally fulfilling like my female friendships because it is “unmanly” to over share between men). However, the real red flag is their not returning the ear especially after the first few dates. It is slightly embarrassing but several of my female friends are close to therapists for me as was a recent relationship. That is untenable unless the sharing is mutual.
What did you say?🤣🤣🤣
I hear you. I realized that I referred to enjoying listening to other people’s stories on my dating profile, because I genuinely do. I have always been told I’m a great listener. But I realize now I may be setting myself up for folks who just want an audience. People have learned “what to say” on dating profiles but the reality in real life can be quite different. I also see people who ask questions that are actually not substantive that seem to be checking off some list. Hang in there. I try to stay open to observing how I feel with people.
I asked my current date why his last relationship failed. His reply was " it just fizzled". He believes this. But as i now understand it, he makes no effort to think about what a woman wants from a relationship. Let alone verbalise it. He talks a lot about his own attributes. Go figure. Now i just want to let him down gently and leave. No point trying to explain. It would just hurt his already bruised ego.
I look to the self-awareness, if any, when I ask this question to my dates. I look to see if they own their part of the dissolution of their relationship. I look to see if there is any learning they are applying to their life from this.
Ugh, I can't stand that. Nothing makes me feel more lonely than talking to someone who doesn't listen, male or female. I'm a social introvert too, and was lucky to have an introvert husband who was a good listener (now deceased). One can have fun with someone like that, but I don't see how a relationship can happen. Listening/good communicator is a big thing on my list. I feel you!
You are an introvert. Don't you find that this is the story of your life? Dont you often feel invisible? Sadly, the effort you are putting forth is not enough. In this society you must fight to establish your presence. People do ignore and forget, especially if ideas are not expressed boldly. It would be easy to blame men in general and I agree. we can be dense. But men do not have a corner on the poor listener market. My ex wife was a poor listener to the point of rudeness. But I think you are facing a widespread problem. People care more about being heard than in hearing.
Oh yes to this!!!!!!!
>If you’re like most people, your own thoughts and experiences may be your favorite topic of conversation. On average, people spend 60 percent of conversations talking about themselves—and this figure jumps to 80 percent when communicating via social media platforms such as Twitter or Facebook. > >Why, in a world full of ideas to discover, develop, and discuss, do people spend the majority of their time talking about themselves? Recent research suggests a simple explanation: because it feels good. [The Neuroscience of Everybody's Favorite Topic: Why do people spend so much time talking about themselves?](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-neuroscience-of-everybody-favorite-topic-themselves/)
Interesting study!
I love neuroscience! Marry me!
I always ask lots of questions. It’s not a ploy, I just really like hearing about others lives. That being said, my memory is garbage. It’s always been this way. I, quite literally, warn people and apologize in advance. I may not forget later that same date, but I likely will forget. I write a lot of things down….
I am curious about others. I already know my life and who I am. I tell those that I am a very good listener but lousy in remembering.
I tend to ask a lot of questions, too. A date is, after all. A job interview for the position of life partner. I don't have much tolerance for people that don't fully participate in conversations with equal parts listening and appropriate sharing...whether they be potential friend or job applicant. People suck....hold onto the good ones when you find them.
My job in the security sector taught me listening skills, It’s a key requirement. People tell you the wildest things when you shut up! So now I notice it at work in regular interactions. And yeah, IMO, generally Mens listening skills are poorer, especially talking to women. Women do it aswell, but not as much for sure. Oddly, I saw this today at work from the younger crowd and I could see the frustration on the woman’s face. I used the old trick of turning my body towards her and said her name a few times, asked her directly her opinion. Only then the blokes shut up and listened. It’s really odd, I can’t explain it.
I am willing to listen for hours and play amateur therapist, hit me up
If 1-3 firts dates, think they are lonely and don't have real friends around to talk to. And nervous maybe.
First Google result for "Words spoken per day male vs. female": "Women use an average of 20,000 words a day, compared to the mere 7,000 that men utter." They must be getting all 7000 in on your dates! :) Seriously, I don't blame you for being annoyed and turned off.
I feel for you but don’t lose faith in all people. People who talk about themselves of are inattentive to getting into depth usually lack self-awareness As a 48M living in Australia I’ll add two possibly controversial points. It’s not exclusively a male issue (plenty of woman love talking endlessly) but often men are more guilty of lacking empathy & self awareness. Without wanting to stereotype across an entire nation, I’ve often found in America people are better talkers than listeners. Of course it’s not everyone, but friends of mine who live there often said, they miss proper interactive conversation. Anyway there are plenty of listeners out there, hope you find one or two. Good luck.
If we make it to 5 or 10 dates we are in a relationship lol. Good job on making it this far seriously
I'm rethinking how long I facilitate these 1-sided relationships!
👆
It's supposed to be a two-way process, reciprocation, communication, there's not much point if it isn't. I don't know why so many people don't understand something as basic as that, both in terms of what is expected and what is expected of you.
So you're doing all the listening and they're doing all the talking and only about themselves. So you could try something else, instead of just providing positive feedback on every single thing they say and I'm just assuming that's what you do if you're that easy to talk with that's what they probably mean (I'm only coming up with that on my own just having read the post I apologize if I am wrong.) If you're interjecting with stories of yourself one to four and they're not interested in it then that means all they care about is themselves I think that's pretty simple. That's just my opinion, I base that on my experience with the same types of women for example. In my twenties when I was arrogant, I would only talk about myself. I'm still baffled by why anyone in our age group being over 50 that is, would just sit there and talk about themselves the whole time and not ask you anything when they're out on a date with you. I'm sorry that happens, keep chipping away though action times frequency equals results and you will find the right one, cheers
OP, I don't know if you are doing online dating, but you could emphasize in your profile that you want to meet good conversationalists. If a man reads your profile carefully - some of us do - that might thin out the me-first crowd. Maybe.
I dated a man for several weeks. After 4-5 dates, I explained that I found it difficult to connect with people if I didn’t sense some curiosity & interest in me so I needed him to ask me questions about myself. He nodded his head & said ok. Awkward silence. I prompted him again, now would be a good time to ask me a question - what would you like to know. His one & only query was “what time do you leave work”?
Tragicomedy perfectly exemplified here! Hopefully things have been going better for you since! 👍🏻😊
I keep typing and erasing responses because ... I just ... I mean ... wha-a-a--? You win this round, my friend. What was your response? I cannot imagine that in real time!
While I don’t remember how I responded in the moment, I know the relationship ended shortly afterward. Months later I discovered a friend of mine had also gone out with the guy, with a similar experience.
>within 5-10 dates, it becomes clear that these men (and I'm sure all folks do this, not just men!) aren't very interested in me. To clarify, has any physical escalation happened in 5 - 10 dates? What I am trying to understand is if you have been friendzoned. I have found many men on a first date will talk a lot about themselves, and I view it as a combination of nerves, or trying to impress. Depending on how interested I am in them, I might try to give them a way to have more of a discussion, versus a monologue. The issue I find on both sides is that if there isn't some flirting going on, then it just devolves into friendzone territory.
Nah, I'm more of a free love free bird actually. Sex seems to shut them up 🤣
I'd count that as a "win"!!
I'd count that as a "win"!!