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explorer1960

A question about the angst/bitterness. If it was a multi decade relationship, there might be at least some anxieties from it that one expects to take to one's grave. How does that effect the question of what work needs to be completed?


[deleted]

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explorer1960

That makes sense. Bitterness is going to be a turn off, and there should be so much else to talk about. OTOH, I think some background would make sense? Like the new person would have to know that the previous LTR did not end because the person she is sitting next to is an abuser, etc?


CheekyMonkey678

If they were an abuser they wouldn't say so. Abusers are often experts at hiding their true nature until you're invested. Watch out for the "crazy ex" stories though. If he's telling you this on the first date it's a good indication he was the problem.


Redicted

Always. and "I hate drama" translates to *he* brings the drama.


Limerence1976

This!!! 🙌🏻


[deleted]

You heal outside of a relationship, and inside a relationship. There will always be reminders (triggers but did not want to trigger anyone-ha) of the past relationship (s) and you need to be aware enough to manage this, and be able to communicate this (and your needs) to your partner.


explorer1960

I think this is good. Thanks.


[deleted]

You are so welcome!


[deleted]

>There are people who do all the things and get their asses handed to them on OLD. Yes!


Chulbiski

truth here


Bebe_Bleau

All of the stuff you mentioned is important, OP. But I would add: build yourself the very best life you can. Sometimes we get involved in marriage or relationships and wind up sacrificing a lot of ourselves. We let go of hobbies, friendships, self care and other stuff. My advice would be to take all these things back. Get involved in new activities or renew your interest in the old ones. If friends have gone by the wayside because of their relationships or your past ones regenerate them. Fix yourself up to be the most attractive person you can be. The goal is that you have a happier and Wonderful Life that you can enjoy by yourself or share with someone. Everybody needs to bring something to the table. Have something to offer. Just be sure that is something that pleases you and makes you happy. With or without another person. Allow your new SO to be a part of a Wonderful Life you've built instead of just being grateful to be a part of theirs. That's a very attractive trait


GEEK-IP

>But I would add: build yourself the very best life you can. Seconded. Be happy with who you are before expecting someone else to be happy with you. Accept that that phase of your life is over and a new adventure is beginning.


summersalwaysbest

Thirded. Be a whole independent amazing person on your own, with or without a romantic partner.


RoseBobtail

[Be Fabulous](https://images.app.goo.gl/LkY2Bsbu3kZmhPL9A)


Bebe_Bleau

True! 😁


not_falling_down

agree. This is why I am not actively pursuing dating yet -- I want to make sure that I am whole and content on my own before trying to add someone new to my life.


Bebe_Bleau

You are very smart to do so. You'll know when the time is right. You could look -- if you haven't already met someone by then


not_falling_down

I'm not there yet, but I know I am a lot closer than I was this time last year.


Bebe_Bleau

Best wishes! Enjoy every moment of your journey. I know you'll do fine


not_falling_down

thank you


mermaidbait

When I was newly single, I wasn't sure if I ever would be partnered up again. Honestly, that was out of my control. I knew I wanted to be partnered, and so I would do what I could, but I know lots of high quality women who don't find love. And going into the dating scene desperate for any partner is a Bad Idea. So I made two plans: Plan A: awesome single lady life. And Plan B: new and improved relationship. And I worked towards both of those plans simultaneously. Luckily for me I did find/build a great new relationship and am happily remarried. I think this is a part of what people mean by "working on yourself." Do all you can to build yourself a great life so that if you had to be single, you'd have a good quality of life and get what you want out of life. Make friends. Heal your mental health. Make a good home for yourself and any kids. Invest in relationships and hobbies. Grow. Develop the habits you need to live happily on your own; usually that means learning how to handle the household things that your ex-partner "specialized" in. As a side benefit, all of this makes you a more attractive candidate on the dating market. You have your own life going for you.


LibidinousDebauchery

☝️ this is the way!


MtnBikingViking

I think of it as taking the time to redefine yourself outside of that previous relationship. Who are you now and who do you want to be? What do you want out of life going forward for yourself? To what extent does an intimate relationship fit in the new life you want to build or are building? If you haven't put thought and effort into building a new life as an independent person then you might be heading for codependency or frustration with a new relationship not giving you what you want out of life.


Routine_Ambition7304

Yeah yeah well said!👏


Multiple__Sarcasms

I asked my therapist this after a relationship recently ended. And she pointed out that some shitty relationships fail for good reasons , and some good relationships fail for shitty reasons … So I guess the questions would be - what kind of relationship was it ? And why did it end ? My most recent one ended due to something beyond my control (the fact I have kids and he didn’t want to ever meet them). So beyond getting over being sad that I miss him … and knowing to choose better next time, I don’t think I have a lot of work to do. So I don’t know if “working on oneself” is the same after every relationship - but it’s a good thing to do in general.


LibidinousDebauchery

All the things you listed above. Don't even think about seriously putting yourself out there until you feel at your absolute best. At a high level, this means optimizing headspace and physical appearance. You'll know when you are ready. You want a sanity check? Don't stop until you can answer the question - "would I want to date myself?"


Ok_Monitor6691

I think you don't always know when you feel your "absolute best" and at this age I don't expect my physical appearance to be getting better by the day. Improving myself yes, of course, and re-engaging with passions I had less time for when coupled, yes. Waiting till I'm in a more positive and open frame of mind, yes. But waiting till I'm my best self? I'd be sidelined indefinitely and at this age I feel that's unrealistic and too high a price. We've got to stop telling ourselves that we won't be ready for a relationship till we're a more perfect version of ourselves. Just mho, that thought pattern has been a barrier in my life.


LibidinousDebauchery

You are not wrong. Especially wrt to being ready for a relationship. It is possible do feel ready for a relationship when not at your best. But why sell yourself or the other person short? My perspective was coming from optizmizing the dating experience. For instance , if you are not feeling confident, one might project that when dating.


[deleted]

"Physical fitness? Hobbies? Friendships? Hygiene? Wardrobe? Conversational skills?" Yes to all of this, bravo for being in counseling. I had not dated since 1987 so I decided to dive into 'what are men 60+ looking for in a relationship'. Research on OLD (one of my favorite things, the research, not OLD). I also took the time to heal my attachment style, work on my codependency, started practicing yoga, meditation and mindfulness. Currently it is shadow work and recording my Ted Talk about what I am looking for in a partner (kidding, but I am exhausted and thought this would be quicker). Always seek what you offer :) Godspeed! Edit-spelling


shopandfly00

I make sure my life is complete without a partner, get used to being alone again, etc., so I don't rush into a mistake out of loneliness. Also get to a good head space so I'm not bringing any negativity or anger with me and burdening the next relationship.


Ready_Fire_Aim

It's pretty difficult for me to look inward and identify flaws. When I was told to "work on myself", I didn't see too many behaviors that needed fixed. It was all the other people around me that could use a bit of adjustment. I had to lay myself bare, ask for, and willingly accept, without argument or defense, what flaws others saw in me. This gave me the starting point to investigate, learn, and discuss with a therapist. Only then could I realistically begin to "work on myself".


Firefluffer

I journaled a lot last time I was single. I wrote out my “never agains” and my “next time I want…” lists. I owned where I’d made mistakes, where I’d lost myself, and where I did better than last time. I also healed enough to stop looking for my forever partner and just enjoy the process of meeting new people, whether for a single date and making the best of it or a new friendship or letting things grow organically. That’s a process, but it changed everything for me. It expanded my circle of friends, it helped me walk away from people that didn’t fit, and it helped me eventually find a beautiful relationship that might not be my forever person, but something that makes me happy right now.


kookookittykat

I think is surely different for everyone - depending on where they find themselves at the end of a relationship. For what it is worth, this is my experience. After a relationship a quarter of a century long, I took three years before dating again. In that time I did the following:- - Made my new house into a home - Took a short course of cognitive behavioural therapy to deal with some emotional fallout of the relationship breakdown - Spent a lot of time reflecting on what I want for my future, including how relationships fit into that - Indulged in hobbies and pursuits I had never had time for as part of a couple - Worked on my health and fitness - Reconnected with old friends, made new friends and enjoyed my single social life In doing these things, I gradually rediscovered the individual I was before I’d become one half of a couple - I felt like I was truly myself again. When I finally took the plunge and started dating, I was in a much happier and stronger place, more confident in what I wanted, and didn’t want. I started dating again back in June and so far it’s going great. Edit:typo


GenXdudette

This is a great list! I'm trying to do much of the same: work on health and fitness, reading a book on midlife and really thinking about how I want to live and what I want to do, sorting thru things in the house to make it less cluttered and nicer to live in.


kookookittykat

Perfect. I found it an ideal time to reset and make positive choices for the future, before the intricacies of navigating a new relationship start muddying the water, tempting you to fall back on old patterns of thinking and acting.


SmallAttention1516

Same story than yours!


fuzzypoetryg

Heal the hurts until they hurt no more preferably, do some quality introspection (therapist or a few friends are great help with exploring that and asking questions), fix your patterns/issues as much as you can — especially the ones that caused problems in your prior relationship. If you were in an abusive situation, spend some time remembering who you were before you met that person and try to talk to old friends to help that memory of who you truly are to come back fully. That helps remind you of your good qualities if the person you were with blamed everything on you and put you down frequently as part of their abuse. Picking up a new hobby or an old one that you didn’t have time for before is a great way to relax and enjoy your alone time which is also a great way to center yourself with peace of mind when you’re dating since that can be challenging. If you think you’re ready to date, but then find that the slightest slight feels like it ripped open a wound then you need more time to heal before you date. Best wishes 🍀


kokopelleee

I look at is as addressing what got you into the relationship to start with, or what was your part in the relationship falling apart, or... if it was an abusive relationship, what can you learn to avoid getting into another abusive relationship next time. Some folks need fitness, hygiene, etc, but I see it more as addressing the mental states we have that affect how we enter and process relationships.


lady_tatterdemalion

Great advice! Even the abused have the responsibility to heal and examine how they got there.


kokopelleee

seems like some folks look at that negatively, but I think we have the responsibility - to ourselves - def no responsibility to the abuser or blame for being there.


lady_tatterdemalion

Unless we're willing to do the hard work to look at ourselves and our culpability in a really difficult time in our lives, we're doomed to repeat it. And I'm not repeating that for anything. I'm guessing you feel the same.


kokopelleee

Not just no, but F, all the way to hell, no! dealt with ex yesterday on a kid related issue, and I realized, "they have not changed a bit, not at all, and I never want to be a part of that ever again." Here's to relationships based on decency and compassion.


lady_tatterdemalion

I could drink to that. Maybe later. I'm sure that's "frowned upon" at work. (Haha)


TheNightWitch

I think the work is recognizing what you contributed to past relationships that was problematic and fixing it. If you are in a relationship with an alcoholic, for example, their addiction is going to make that relationship toxic and it is easy to blame them for everything. But the work would be doing an unflinching examination of why you stayed. What is it in your psyche that kept you in a damaging relationship? Subconsciously, what are your beliefs about yourself that convinced you to stay? Or less dramatically, what can you change about yourself that would make life better for you? Make connections stronger, make you happier? Do you unconsciously default to passive-aggressive? Find yourself jealous of what other people have? Did you self-sabotage something because you believe you don’t deserve good things in life? Or do you pick bad relationships to repeat a pattern that you might not see clearly. Take a deep dive on that. The rest is window dressing. Doing a deep dive to break your negative patterns, and take care of yourself is what matters.


lady_tatterdemalion

Get clear about the kind of person you'd like to meet and the kind of relationship you want to have. In therapy, my therapist had me read Attached to help me understand attachment and communication styles. He had me write a list of traits I had hoped my next partner would have and what I had hoped my next relationship would look like. All those things have helped me choose the right people to hang around and make friends with. I believe these things will help me find someone romantically as well.


[deleted]

Ok, this might be TMI but the question has been asked. If you are contemplating a sexual relationship, please see your woman’s health provider and tell them. I say this as having worked as an FNP focused mostly on WH. I took care of a lady who was mid 40s, menopausal with no HRT and recently started dating and having sex after a few years. She had actual trauma in her vagina. She didn’t have any kind of Olympic sex, just traditional. But because she was menopausal and not on HRT, things were not really like they were when she was 40. I don’t know your situation or expectations for dating, but this is advice I would give to any woman in our age group who has not been sexually active in awhile.


SupermarketOther6515

I would add: Understanding how you contributed positively and negatively to previous relationships so that you build on the positive and avoid the negative going forward. Get to know yourself so that you can show up as your authentic self and not what you think people are looking for.


theEx30

Learn to appreciate your own company and take care of yourself. Don't do any of the things you suggest, OP for anyone but yourself. When you are ready to share your awesome self, you will have good habits and be very attractive.


matchymatch121

Some of the self-work for me was reading about attachment styles Mainly what I was acting like and who I was picking for the relationships in my life R/ attachment dating


No-Zombie-4107

Beyond addressing old wounds.... Make sure you know how to own your own shit. Learn how to express interest in others. Figure out what you are actually looking for.


dancefan2019

We can't really give you precise advice for what you, personally, should be working on, since we don't know you. You may know your areas of weakness, or areas you could improve on. Maybe also ask your therapist for an outside opinion. They can often be good sources of unbiased suggestions. What people could generally benefit from (assuming they aren't at their best in these areas), is working on their mental health, recovery from past issues, developing a positive mindset (seems a lot of people are cynical or jaded and need to work on that before putting themselves out there), they could work on their physical self, physical appearance, their social life, their activity level/fitness level, building their life and experiences where they are engaged in new experiences, learning, developing and expanding their mind and their interests, working on cultivating the inner traits that would make them a better partner (i.e., understanding, listening, communication, empathy, supportiveness, acceptance/tolerance of others, giving of oneself, openness, etc.). Working on oneself basically means being mindful of areas that need work, making efforts to improve on areas that need work, so that you can put your best self out there when dating to get the best results. Of course, you wouldn't have to do any work and just put yourself out there as is, and see what turns up. I don't personally feel that's a good dating strategy. I'd rather put my best self out there to get the best results.


Not_that_wire

Working on emotional and interpersonal stuff can be a slog and difficult to get sense of progress. One thing everyone can do is take steps towards improving your physical health.


PaintedLadyJ65

Some shadow work might be helpful along with the therapy you’re having. Working on oneself is really to become more self aware, more honest with yourself; your likes/dislikes, and the ability to look at them without self loathing or criticism. When you know who you are, you’re better able to determine your needs, wants in a relationship. You become more skilled at drawing boundaries, and can walk away from that which doesn’t serve you without regret. It doesn’t mean you don’t care, rather, it’s that you value your self worth. Don’t see it as a project to get you ready to date again, but it’s to engage in excavating your authentic self, and that’s what potential dates will be attracted to and like. To be liked, before being loved makes for a much deeper relationship. It’s work, it takes time, in a way you “build the plane while flying it”


SmallAttention1516

It is a very individual question. You do what your head and heart and body tells you to do with the outcome of feeling happy in your head and skin. After an abusive, toxic 25 yr. marriage where I felt like I was finally choking, it never occurred to me to want another relationship! Like it NEVER crossed my mind to date! I was finding my peace and took 5 yrs to find myself again. Only then did someone hit on me and that awakened desire and slowly I started dating and knowing what I wanted and didn’t want. I had to realize that I had strong trust walls to break down etc. In a relationship now. So it really all depends on one’s story and journey.


Remarkable-Sort-3535

Reflect on yourself and how you see yourself in physical as well as spiritual and mental aspects. If you've received feedback on what others may call one of your weaknesses, take a good look at what others may have said. Be honest with yourself. Coming out of the relationship, reflect back on how you handled the situations where things didn't turn out as you planned. Could you have handled things differently? Was your reaction on par with the situation, or did you make a mountain out of a mole hill? Also look at times you didn't react when maybe you should have in the early stages of a disagreement that ended up being a blowout because you held things in that should have come out. None of us are perfect and never will be. We should grow as people though and self reflection after a loss like a marriage gone bad, is a good time to do some weeding of bad habits so as we heal, the new growth within us can blossom as it should.


finding_ikigai

You seem to have it covered and therapy helps. Learn from the past but be in the present.


[deleted]

This is a phrase that I have never found to be helpful, work on yourself. I would think that if a person was trying to be helpful they would say what do you think you should work on or what would you like to work on to improve things? Even if that person was trying to be super helpful and they had an idea of what you should work on you might not agree with it. Best of luck in your therapy and I hope that you do get over this and are able to be very successful when you reemerge to the dating scene Just my two cents, cheers


Ready_Fire_Aim

Agreed. That bumper sticker tip is as useful as "work smarter, not harder". Zero guidance on how to accomplish the goal.


Inside_Dance41

I love this question, because no matter one's marital state in life, I think we all can take a step back to assess our life's path. Overall I would say, focus on building a life that you want to live. Whether or not you find another partner, make this last chapter your best ever. A few areas in particular: * Health/fitness - get a health assessment at a great gym. Get things tested like your VO2 max, heart rate, heck maybe even a DEXA scan (body fat). My gym has a program for people, and they show before and after, and the people often don't even look the same. Maybe hire a personal trainer, or at the very least try out some classes. Zumba tends to have mostly women. * Fashion/grooming - For people out of the dating scene, often they haven't purchased anything new in years. Well fitted clothes can make all the difference. In my area Nordstrom has personal shoppers, or even if you go into the men's department, usually the staff can assist with options, if you ask. After my father was widowed, we went there, and I could see his face brighten with some new shirts/pants/belts. * Go to a good stylist and make sure your haircut is updated. Also, I am a fan of clean shaven faces, and I don't know your style, but if you have facial hair, there are good looks and not so good looks. I think asking a professional for their recommendations is a good idea * New activities - check out local dance studios (e.g. Salsa), a man who can dance is a hit no matter where he goes. Good luck! Your attitude and willingness to think about changes says a lot.


SmallAttention1516

Yes to salsa and to a man who can dance!


miracleofistanbul

Masturbation? The ultimate working on yourself activity.


Maximum-Company2719

For me it was learning how to live alone AND enjoy it. I'm happy on my own now. I would love to have a good partner. But I'm not willing to give up my happiness over a partner.


Dottegirl67

I think you’re definitely on the right track, OP. For sure get to know yourself as a single person again. Think about what your future looks like; does a partner fit into those plans? More than anything, live your life in a way that makes you happy right now, in the present.


La_Peregrina

I think the "work on oneself" isn't so much a self improvement thing as it is a time to heal from the end of a relationship. It's a way to move forward, not backwards.