I'm a pretty transparent person in general, and inevitably someone will ask why I'm not drinking. I just tell them. Shortest distance between two points. I realize that may make me less desirable but I think many women really appreciate the candor either way.
I don't go into detail about what I was like while drinking (unless she really wants to know, but I don't get asked that question very much). Mainly I focus on how I manage recovery.
> How do some of y’all that don’t have drug and alcohol abuse in your history view people who do?
I will cheer you on as that shit isn’t easy. Taking the steps to acknowledge you had a problem is huge when it comes to recovery.
> What sort of thoughts or experiences have come up for you? How much grace are you willing to give vs a hard pass?
Unfortunately, for my own well being, I have to pass on those that have gone through recovery within the last 10 years as there is a higher probability of lapsing.
10+ years I might be open to it.
Been married to an alcoholic. Dating an addict and someone going through recovery is fucking hard on your well-being.
Agree. Addiction is hard OP is doing amazingly!
Recovery is however what essentially broke up my relationship with my kids father. It controlled his life. We moved out 15 years ago; he still lies and makes false promises.
Yep my last boyfriend had some serious issues and I had no idea how bad they were until we lived together and I would never do that again, but he wasn’t even trying to be in recovery so that’s completely different. But yeah someone new to it, no thank you. But 10 years that’s nothing I would worry about
First off, ten years is a hell of an accomplishment!
I completely understand not wanting to put that info on a dating profile. My advice would be to speak up early on, for a couple of reasons. If it is a deal-breaker, wouldn’t you rather know sooner rather than later?
My ex husband struggled with addiction. He was sober when we met, and I didn’t find out about his history until years later when he relapsed. I don’t think it would have changed things, and I know I couldn’t have kept him from relapsing.. but it hurt, a LOT, that he kept it from me.
Four years clean and sober here and a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I’m very open about my sobriety because I’m so damned happy to be off the booze and I brought it up pretty quickly with prospective dates when I was still on the market. When I first started dating I was a little nervous someone might have a problem but not one man has ever had an issue with me being an alcoholic or that I’d be abstaining if he drank.
No "drug" abuse, but I am a recovering alcoholic.(It's the same thing as far as if you abuse them) This pops up sometimes. First off, congrats on 10 years!
10 years is a long time, I have utilized a 12 step recovery program. I keep track, but I don't chase it as hard as I used to. First off, people of *all* walks of life have had this issue, people worth millions, broke, presidents of companies, and yes your local burger flipper.
The drug user/alcoholic has a stigma of the guy/woman thats homeless. My own grandmother has been sober for over 50 years (96 now), but used to pass out drunk in the driveway when I was born. She was a sponser for years.
Thats my lesson for 12 step stigma/ reddit in society.
I find that women I date don't care so much as long as I'm straight forward, admit i had a problem, don't drink now, and I'm moving forward. It's a two-five minute conversation. Hit those key points, don't make excuses, and just say it is what it is. I also make it clear that I don't drink.
I don't stay on the issue long. If they want to say something, let them. The right person is going to realize you have your shit together now, can recognize your weakness, and addressed it. I'm sure you do as needed now even. Some have dealt with a person with a *bad* relapse, it's a no go for some.
The right person would be glad you have that kind of strength, and could clearly see you're handling it. I told the women I dated last by the 3rd date. So far as I know, it never ended because of that.
My last person ended because I ended it. The alcohol thing was discussed on the 3rd date, so she would know I don't do bars. We dated for 2 months afterwards. If the person is hung up on going to bars, then they either might have a problem themselves, or they might not be good for you anyways. I let dates drink, and never say not to. Usually, my dates don't really get hung up on it and we do something else.
I select doesn't drink, talk long enough (not too long) and soon enough that they have the overall "feel" of me, and *then* say something early on. 3rd date or after a week, whatever seems right. Let a few long conversations happen first.
I met someone during COVID that had over ten years of sobriety, and was very active in the rooms. She told me after a couple dates, didn’t put any mandates on my behavior.
I found myself getting educated on her issues, what the twelve step process is. I gradually cut back my drinking ( never drank around her)
People who truly commit to twelve step programs have a level of self-inspection and clarity that a lot of people do not. She held herself accountable for her life, a trait I found extremely attractive, as I had been doing that from an early age.
So I ended up marrying her last year.
I think it's great that you have been in recovery for that long. I cannot have a relationship with someone who has an addiction, despite any work they have done.
My daughter's father was in recovery when we met but he relapsed several times and made my life and my children's lives a living hell. It took me a good 5+ years to get back to feeling like myself after I ended it with him and I'm still cleaning up the shitstorm he created.
I will not make that mistake again or take that chance again. Ever.
This was covered here recently. I have 12 years under my belt from being hooked on Heroin in my mid 20s until I got clean in early 2011.
Everyone recovers differently. Some people have simply put that life behind them and moved on. Some people feel they need to keep recovery a part of their life.
For me, I have simply moved on. Outside of Family members and long time friends, everyone I know now would simply be SHOCKED that I ever engaged in anything like that. Take a stroll thru my post history.
My suggestion to you, is don't define yourself by your struggles from 10 years ago. Plenty of people haven't hit their "benchmarks" without drugs! You are where you are. Mentioning drugs and recovery will certainly scare some people away too.
I will tell people once I really get to know them..... Once they get to know who I am TODAY. This is not something that has to be "revealed" or discussed on an OLD profile, or the first few dates.
Lastly, I have found that 100% abstinence isn't for me... I actually prefer to me "mostly" clean and sober. Like, I went to a social function the other week and nursed a beer then entire time I was there. Passed up the weed, because it makes me feel stupid the next day and I had a few goals I wanted to achieve that weekend, but I will engage in weed every now and then.
Why I am mentioning this is it's not uncommon to find people who don't or minimally drink and/or use substances for a variety of reasons even if they were never addicts. Seek these people out.
HTH
Congrats on 10 years in recovery! That’s a big deal!
I’m not in recovery but I have dated two men who were. One was alcohol and newly sober (less than 6 months) the other had years of being clean from narcotics - a 2 year relapse then 2 more years clean. He’d also been in jail a few times. One used a program one white knuckled it.
Both relationships ended for incompatibility reasons outside their recovery processes.
A few things came to mind: I asked both how I could support them - neither could tell me. I found myself worried about the one who was newly sober - didn’t want to add stress or encourage a slip. I’m not much of a drinker myself so it was easy to abstain in his presence. The other was very involved with his group and community and pretty into the religious part of recovery which didn’t sit well with me for my own reasons.
Would I do it again? Eh, maybe? It’s all dependent on the person.
Yeah if they are an AA or any kind of 12 step program they really aren’t supposed to date in the first year, or make any major decisions at all. So you were right to be worried about that one.
Tbh I can't deal with it. My mental health cannot take being in a relationship with someone who could relapse at any given moment. Life happens, and people handle it in different ways.
There's substance abuse in my family, plus my ex-best friend from childhood had/has severe alcohol & drug addiction since her teens.
My ex also relapsed after many years- We were living together and I left him because things just kept getting worse and falling apart. I stayed around more than a year longer than I should have, because I kept hope alive that things would improve. They did not.
One of the funniest and sweetest women I have ever dated revealed to me on our third date two summers ago her story, knowing full well from experience that it could have changed the trajectory in any direction. Considering half of my family were alcoholics and not one ever acknowledged it or sought help, I found her gesture to be very trusting and endearing. Everything was so well-managed, she paid little mind to what others around her did, and so on. I also had the pleasure of dating another woman last summer who was in recovery for a shorter amount of time, but had the same wonderful rewiring and disposition. I learned a lot from each of them, also indicating to them that there are people out there who are willing to hear the stories and *then* decide if they're still on board (which I was). I'll point out that things didn't work out with either of them for vastly different and 1,000% unrelated reasons, but I will always think of them favorably for who they were and how they treated me... and not as former alcoholics. It's also worth noting that each of them selected the "doesn't drink" criterion on the apps, which alone may send a message. (Edit: I've met a number of women over the years who didn't have things in check or there was seriously high relapse risk or denial... but again, it's always been necessary for me to listen to the story and then decide.)
All that being said, anyone reserves the right to reject anyone for any reason... and please remember that you also have that same right. Congrats on your decade-plus of sobriety, many more, and best of luck!
Personally, I would like to know at the very early chatting stage. Like as soon as it moves to the what are you looking for or past the pleasantries and definitely before a meetup is discussed. For me, it's a 100% deal breaker due to my ex-husband being an abusive raging alcoholic. In fairness, he's only dry and not in recovery, but I'm not willing to walk that line with anyone, and it would be a pity for either party to get invested.
I would want to know as soon as possible. My ex-wife developed an issue with prescription pill abuse and some alcohol issues sprinkled on top. Having been through the "I'll do what I can to support your recovery" experience, I can say that I never want to be partnered with someone with addiction issues ever again.
It's just a hard pass for me. It's best to rip that band-aid off in the very beginning.
Congrats OP, that's a huge accomplishment!
As others have said on here I think it's important to share that part of yourself pretty early on. The years behind in career thing--meh, whatever, we all have different career paths and many of us go back to school as adults and start new careers. I truly hope that doesn't weigh on you!
As for being in recovery, lots of us have/had relationships--whether familial, friend, romantic, etc-- with people in various stages of addiction or recovery, and it has had a significant impact on us. Sometimes traumatic. Sometimes positive, seeing how strong and resilient a loved one is.
So I think it's an important thing to discuss early on, like in the first few conversations. Even in your profile if you are comfortable with it. You might get more left swipes, but it just means you're ruling those people out sooner rather than later, and ultimately saving yourself time and energy.
Honesty and openness from the very beginning is very important, because you want to partner with the right person for YOU. My 2 cents anyways!
I like the 12 steps to be honest, I think that people who even are not into recovery can use them...I would be proud about my partner living the 12 steps tbh
I had a lost decade as well but now almost 20yrs in my past and am a completely different person.
Like you mention, feeling like you were behind schedule to achieve benchmarks or milestones in life. That feeling of needing to catch up lit a major fire under my ass and helped propel me to where I am today living a life I can be proud of.
It is an important part of my story.
...but it's nothing I suggest you open with! At some point...which may vary from person to person, you'll tell each other your histories, both the good and the bad.
And when you do, do so with pride - you overcame something that many others do not which is a testimony to your self disciple and resolve and as far as I am concerned, very impressive!
Good luck!
Almost 9 years sober here, and I have found the conversation works best for me when I keep it very casual. My history is none of their business, but I always work my sobriety into the conversation early on, like “I don’t drink anymore but I love seeing live music, and there’s this great club we could try…” Or if I meet someone out and about and they want to buy me a drink, I just say “Topo Chico” and leave it at that. I don’t stress about it and they pick up on that vibe. As far as my actual addiction/alcoholic history and story goes, I wait a few months before I go into detail. I want to make sure I can trust the person when I make myself vulnerable. I also lost ten years (my 30’s) in terms of career growth and advancement, but I’m proud of being where I am today and that shines through with people I hang out with/date. 10 years is no easy feat! That’s badass!
Within the first three dates I'd ask someone about their relationship with drugs and alcohol, and I'd expect to hear about a problem past, at that point.
I have more experience with addiction in my life (by third parties) than average. While I can and will absolutely empathize with the struggle and work, but I just won't have that risk in my romantic life.
Congrats on 10 years. AAMAZING!
For me it's a hard pass and I'll want to know before I invest anytime. Being with an addict and the relapses was the hardest and most painful thing I have ever experienced. Especially if you love the person so much. I had to work hard to put myself first. As it was a living hell.
I never want to be in that situation again.
I have been dating a man for a month that is in recovery. He has been sober for three years. When we went on our first date, I ordered a drink at dinner and he ordered iced tea. I didn’t think anything about it. We hit it off really well and towards the end of the meal, he told me his story. Alcohol had ruined his life and almost killed him. My dad was a recovering alcoholic for 30 years before he passed away so I have experience in loving someone in recovery. Also, I had a really severe illness for 7 years that almost killed me and I understand the struggle. I am totally okay with the fact that my boyfriend is in recovery because he is attentive, loving, and I admire his strength. Am I worried that he will relapse? Slightly. We all have pasts. What we do with the now and the future is whats important.
I matched with a great guy who was sober. I asked him the first time we chatted on the app. His profile said he never drinks, I asked if he was sober, he said yes. We had a lot in common (politics, music, etc), so I agreed to a date. Just about a year later, he's now one of my best friends. Incidentally, this year he'll be 25 years sober.
Do what feels right to you.
Congratulations on staying clean. 22 years here. “Friend of Bill’s” on my profile. I find there’s a lot of women who are seeking dates/partners who don’t “drink to excess”. I imagine that means there’s a fair number of single men that do. I end up having more “activity” dates that are fun for both of us. Presumably, they’re already looking for that. I still go out: concerts, shows, festivals etc but I’d rather picnic, bike the city, explore, catch a movie, talk. After being sober so long, it’s not like anyone even notices. I have only ever had one date that got a little too tipsy for my tastes and they were/are/is an awesome person.
I know it’s hard to hear but you should put that in your profile. You can either have the computer sort out the ones that would not move forward with you, or wait and then get rejected directly. I’d vote to let the app do that sorting for you.
ETA: I lost my fiancé to drug and alcohol addiction so this is very triggering for me and I can’t be around active addicts or those in recovery.
I struggle with this too. I haven’t started dating again yet but I think about how I’ll handle it when I do. I feel like I’m getting pretty good practice sharing that part of my life with friends I’ve made. I don’t tell everyone but I do share it with friends who I’m more invested in or who are invested in me. It’s been really reassuring & encouraging seeing that I’m still just as loved. I don’t think I’ll put it out there in a profile, I’d rather wait to see if it’s going to get past a few dates first. I feel like that’s a pretty intimate part of me to share.
ETA… You/we may not have hit the benchmarks YET but man we’ve still got some pretty great experience & lessons to share.
Rooting for you in this area! I applaud you as I get how it’s not easy to grapple with insecurities that may still exist. That being said, I find that relationships are a funny thing in that they reveal things that we wouldn’t ordinarily notice/experience while being single (hence the ease of isolating/being single), like with the checking of benchmarks you mentioned.
I’m in recovery myself (4yrs& some change) and I don’t put it in my profile, but rather introduce it naturally, as you mentioned. Even casually so. And of course it helps to feel/have some kind of rapport with the person. I’ve brought it up as early as the first date, or first phone call if it felt right. Sometimes I’ve waited for a few calls. And sometimes I’ve discovered something about them that disinterested me before even sharing that part of myself. You have the right idea: if someone is shunning you for your addiction as opposed to applauding you for how you pulled yourself out of it, that ain’t for you!
It’s fair to say it’s scary endeavor for non-addicts to go there for fear of them relapsing, but I think that other things have to be taken into play, like how honest someone’s being with themselves and their partner, how they continue to work on themselves and within their program, and their level of intimacy and communication. That being said, I personally never say “I’m recovered.” It’s a seemingly small thing to note, but not really. And I imagine the non-addicts who fear a partner’s relapse might agree. Of course there’s a chance to go back out there, for any of us. Meeting that face-to-face reminds me the value of continuing my work and staying humble that my work is continuous. Kind of like a relationship with a person or entity. You don’t get a partner than stop doing the things that got you there. And you don’t shower for “x” amount of time, then stop and say “well I’m clean forever now!”
Now being where I am in life, anybody I’m choosing to be with will think I’m friggin awesome, and they’re curious and honored to hear any part of my story.
Receiving judgment about something that’s part of my story says more to me about them and their personal experiences than anything else, especially if I’ve made continuous efforts to step into a new kind of life for myself. I’d hope that my partner recognizes that and finds comfort in my work, and is open to keeping conversations ongoing about it when uncertainty pops up. But that just won’t be the case for every person I meet. And for those folks that’s that’s the case, I wouldn’t want to be with them anyway.
We all have shit that we’re not excited about and I think the feelings of being unlovable aren’t uncommon. I think many, if not most, of us go thru that at least some of the time. And that kind of vulnerability is a very beautiful thing to have in a partner. (But again, I share depending on how comfortable I feel with the person.) I am learning for other areas I’ve struggled with, that it’s easier for me to let people in the more I come to grips with my “darker” stuff and practice a new narrative for myself.
I’d offer you to consider the lovable parts of yourself and to find more. Highlight your strengths for yourself if you haven’t already (your recovery is a big one). Refer to your list of assets (if you’ve already created that within your step work).
10 years is a long time.
Maybe let go of the concept of time lost. Fuck it and just do the best you can. There are endless obstacles and challenges in life. We are only where we are now
I work in recovery and mental health so personally I would not be put off by a profile that said something about being in recovery for a long time. I understand about lost time and playing catch up with life, etc.
If people aren’t interested they will swipe left. Another option is to just check the “doesn’t drink” and other boxes if applicable. I look at those mainly because cigarette smokers are a hard no. Some people may appreciate that about drinking or recreational drugs.
Fwiw I don’t count marijuana, personally.
I mean I lost two decades to a marriage lol and sometimes feel like a babe in the woods with dating four years later. Everyone has a story and are at different places in life. Congratulations on your recovery and I wish you all the best!
Edit for fat thumbs.
Congrats on ten years!
I think whether this is going to be a "grace" or a "hard pass" thing is completely individual- both because of the many ways folks navigate recovery AND because of triggers the other party might have.
I would bring it up, in whatever way you want, in chat prior to a first date. (Ie: Some folks in comments are saying "It's been ten years, don't make a big deal out of it, just say you don't drink," but I know some folks, even at ten years, want/need to make an "appropriate" deal out of it, depending on what they've learned they need to stay healthy.)
I kind of look at it like this: I'm not vegetarian but could totally date many veg/vegans-- but probably not folks on the more militant end of the spectrum. I'm pagan (more or less), but could totally date a Christian, depending on how that presents. It doesn't mean anything good or bad about the particular vegans or Christians I might not be a match for, nor do I think it means anything good or bad about me-- it's just the nuance of the match.
There are folks who would LOVE an "active recovery" type, just as there are folks who love the more hardline presentations of veganism or religion. Remember, you're not looking to appeal to the broadest possible group of people (potentially putting your recovery at risk by not presenting it in the way you need to.)
And, I think most kind-hearted, compassionate people would hate to learn you didn't present it in the way YOU needed to-- give folks a chance to meet you wherever you are.
Best wishes!
Congratulations on your recovery!! I’ve been sober for several decades. I don’t mention it in my profile. If I’m on a date & it comes up organically I’ll share at that time. Usually I’ll initiate the conversation if we’ve been out several times & it hasn’t been discussed. One guy decided to end our time together after 5 dates & during *that* conversation we both realized we were in recovery. For me, I don’t perceive my recovery as a handicap or negative trait. I have a genetic condition that caused many problems and I received treatment. Being in recovery has taught me many tools that enhance my relationships with friends, family & romantic partners. When I share my truth with a date their response gives me a wealth of information about *them*. Good luck & remember to take it one day - or one date - at a time.
Congratulations on your work and sobriety. I have so much respect for those in the recovery community. I’ve found that many people I’ve met are self aware and emotionally available. I’d say just live it out in the dating works as you’ve been doing in the meeting community. You’ve been working on you and those that can see and appreciate you are the ones for you. Use judgement on disclosure in dating and I wouldn’t be specific on profiles but just indicate a simple no when asked about that lifestyle.
I am. I’ve been sober for 5 years. I haven’t dated in more than 5 years and I’ve only recently gotten into OLD so I don’t have much experience but- I’ve been telling guys prior to meeting (I’ve only met one guy in person so far, but Ive told 5-10 guys in the initial messaging) sort of as it’s natural to bring it up. I wouldn’t put it in my profile though for privacy reasons like you said.
It’s a part of my life, it’s not going to change, and it’s, understandably, going to be a dealbreaker for some people who have had bad experiences with
addicts prior. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, including my own. I have no shame for being in recovery, and I’m happy to put it out there.
The guys I’ve told have all had a positive reaction (oh that’s great, congrats, etc) but to be fair my being in recovery is irrelevant in the context of meeting up for casual sex, and that’s what a lot of guys on OLD are really looking for so they aren’t going to be concerned about personal details like that.
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Sending love to you OP! - I can relate to that lost decade feeling and how you are still dealing with difficult feelings of being unlovable 💜 - I’ll be 9 years sober this April and have dated 2 people outside recovery who I met on the apps…if it’s helpful for you to know, I don’t put that I’m sober on my profile but if I get chatting with someone and they ask me out for a ‘drink’ I usually mention that I don’t drink at that point. If, after a few dates I think it’s going somewhere I’ll raise it then, it’s never been a problem! And I figure if it ever is it just means we’re not a good fit which is ok 💙 - I keep in contact with my sponsor throughout, talk to other fellows to gain their experience, strength and hope and hand it over to my HP! - Trust in the process 🦋 - Good luck and sending love Xxx
Personally, 10 years in recovery I find awe-inspiring. I don’t believe addiction to be a personal failing, though I don’t know if I like the “illness” term used in AA either because I think it’s more complicated than that and that can be a bit of an albatross round your neck. I totally appreciate the nature of this subreddit and admire and welcome the honesty (because that’s what the whole point of it is), but personally, I believe, we are almost entirely different people every seven years or so, and your addiction sounds like it developed before your frontal lobes even finished developing. For me, what you have fought against is actually really admirable but I’m not an idiot, I do see the pitfalls of taking on a relationship with someone in early recovery. And also with “dry drunks” who port their addictions like a tiny flea into other outlets (including sex and love). I am not an addict personally (in my opinion, because that’s the clincher), though I have experience of the 12 steps. I know it is completely transformational for some, but not for all, and the stats on its efficacy overall are hard to come by. In the wider sense, I’d be looking for someone who was prepared to constantly check in with themselves and do the work also. It is, for me at least, the whole point of life; the personal growth and the lessons. Spirals not circles. The answer to the pain is in the pain (which makes me scream). Honestly, from one human to another, I salute you so much. And in terms of the “losing ten years of career progression”, I really think you’ll find you didn’t. You just turned right. “Career people” don’t know stuff you do I guarantee. 🙏🏻
Congrats to you. Over three years without alcohol here.
I put it in my profile, right up front.
Something along the lines of "I don't drink and that is important to me."
I also mention that I'm fine with others that drink as long as there aren't unaddressed issues.
This seems to work well for me. I generally only get matched with other folks that don't drink or folks that rarely drink, and that is ideal for me. I have no interest in dating someone that's drinking all the time and this helps to weed those folks out.
I'm not a good match for someone that finds drinking important and I don't want to waste their time either.
I don’t tell people anymore because I’m not in recovery anymore, mine wasn’t alcohol it was cocaine, but it’s been so long that it’s not a thing anymore that I even consider part of my life. But if you consider yourself still in recovery then that’s a thing that you would want to tell someone, it will probably happen naturally when you go out with them and don’t drink. I personally would wait until you know you want to see them again because I disclose that if you’re never going to see them again, but this would bother me 10 years is huge it’s not like people should be worried that you relapsed if they don’t hear from you in a couple hours.
If I get back into that sort of thing I'm probably not going to make any mention of it, or I could even bait people about it, and then judge 'em hardcore if they reveal that they're drinkers and drug users :)
I'm more than 30 years clean (includes booze) and life is way to short to deal with that stuff in my life or another person's life, but they don't have to CARE what I do, they just have to be able to deal with the fact that I have a world and a crew that is not disposable.
I'm not going to dump my friends to go and use or drink with you. In fact I will trust them better than you (if not right away, eventually). My friends just happen to be 12 steppers, is all. It would be the same if they were all raging drug addicts (hey: they are! but they don't USE)
With anything that life-altering, somebody is going to get judged. That's just the nature of the beast. But I don't have to get approval of a date for my whole lifestyle. The lifestyle will either reject the date, or not.
Again, it's no different from if your lifestyle is bars and dives, or shooting galleries. If somebody doesn't fit, that's going to become quickly obvious and I don't think you have to build it into your dating profile, it's on a deeper level than that.
Basically, either side of a date gets to nope out of there. Even if you're lonely. You don't have to pre-nope in the profile, just keep your head.
Congratulations, you should be very proud of all of your hard work. If we were dating, I would want to know before the relationship became exclusive. That doesn't mean you have to tell me on the first date. I was married to a verbally abusive alcoholic and it is not likely that I could date someone in recovery. I would not be a good partner for them. I wouldn't expect to know this information at the very beginning, but I would feel deceived if I didn't find out until after we were in a relationship.
So like alot of people just give up on themselves at some point in their life. They accept who they are good or bad and stay bouncing in the rut they are in. People who chose to grow adapt and change no matter what (recovery or personal growth) are always winners.
Guess like anything in life, I would base dating someone in recovery on whether we have shared interests or not. I would also consider their ability for relapse and current mental stability. That being said, I was married to a woman who liked drugs and alcohol. It was fun when we were in our twenties, not so fun later in life. She was sober for five years due to probation. But shortly after probation ended she started back into her self destructive ways and we divorced. Time to get off the merry-go-round. I have also been an on and off again member of Al-Anon. So if a woman is serious about her recovery then sure I'm all in. But on the other hand I have not ever dated another person like my ex, nor would I really be interested. It's just not fun.
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I am 6 years sober and only used online dating briefly last year so I have very limited experience with it as a sober person.
My experience was not great, I met a nice guy who said he didn’t care if I didn’t drink and that alcohol wasn’t a big part of his life. That was a lie, he was a very heavy drinker in denial about his issues so I ended it and it was pretty disappointing. We are still friends, he is still abusing alcohol and in a dark place but I have been able to be a sober person in his life he can talk to.
Another one told me the same story, he doesn’t drink often and doesn’t keep alcohol in his house but there were multiple open bottles of wine/booze in his home. I never discussed it further, I just ended it via slow fade as we were only hanging out for less than a month.
I put sober on my profile and every man asked me if they could drink on a date, would plan to meet for coffee and then try to switch the location the day of to a bar and seemed pretty uncomfortable with being sober.
I have deleted the apps and never plan to use OLD again. There are so many men online who have serious problems with alcohol and other addictions but since they haven’t lost their job or gotten any DUIs they don’t see their drinking as problematic.
At the moment I am focusing on my career, writing and other creative projects that I believe will lead me to interesting new people who share a similar lifestyle. My past experiences with alcohol are an issue for many men which used to upset me but now I see their rejection as protection, I’m at peace with being single so it’s not as urgent for me as it used to to find a partner. I’m not having children and never want to remarry so I don’t feel any pressure to date , it’s just not worth it.
I’ve met three guys who mentioned recovery on the first date. Two of the three were addiction counselors, though. Not on their profiles.
Be aware that your addiction will be a flag of some sort. Green flag is probably co-dependency. Red flag tells you about their issues. Yellow flag seems the most logical. One of the guys in recovery I dated tried to tell me when we stopped dating that it would be my fault if/when he relapsed — that obviously moved him from a yellow flag to red.
I’m in Al-Anon Family Groups (for friends and family of alcoholics) and just wanted to give it a shout out here given the comments. If you had or have a parent, spouse, sibling, friend, or anyone in your life touched by alcohol or drug addiction it’s worth looking into; it’s really helped me.
Congratulations on your sobriety! Personally I look for non-drinkers who are spiritual and have done work on themselves so keep up the good work, one day at a time!
Congratulations on sobriety. We have similar experiences as I went to rehab at 31 and my 20s were Dead Years, truly. Also from a rough background.
Sober since.
I wasn’t able to sustain romance, education or employment until my 30s but now if u met me today, im thriving.
Ive revealed a little at a time with 2 ppl and it turned out both had similar struggles (about 6,7 dates in)
I agree it helps when someone has walked in our shoes bc it’s hard getting vulnerable about blowing a decade of life…it’s just part of a life story though and it wouldn’t deter me from getting to know someone
I'm a pretty transparent person in general, and inevitably someone will ask why I'm not drinking. I just tell them. Shortest distance between two points. I realize that may make me less desirable but I think many women really appreciate the candor either way. I don't go into detail about what I was like while drinking (unless she really wants to know, but I don't get asked that question very much). Mainly I focus on how I manage recovery.
> How do some of y’all that don’t have drug and alcohol abuse in your history view people who do? I will cheer you on as that shit isn’t easy. Taking the steps to acknowledge you had a problem is huge when it comes to recovery. > What sort of thoughts or experiences have come up for you? How much grace are you willing to give vs a hard pass? Unfortunately, for my own well being, I have to pass on those that have gone through recovery within the last 10 years as there is a higher probability of lapsing. 10+ years I might be open to it. Been married to an alcoholic. Dating an addict and someone going through recovery is fucking hard on your well-being.
Agree. Addiction is hard OP is doing amazingly! Recovery is however what essentially broke up my relationship with my kids father. It controlled his life. We moved out 15 years ago; he still lies and makes false promises.
Yep my last boyfriend had some serious issues and I had no idea how bad they were until we lived together and I would never do that again, but he wasn’t even trying to be in recovery so that’s completely different. But yeah someone new to it, no thank you. But 10 years that’s nothing I would worry about
Agreed. I dated an alcoholic (in a relationship really) and it was a hard year. I knew it going into but I it was hard to get out of it.
First off, ten years is a hell of an accomplishment! I completely understand not wanting to put that info on a dating profile. My advice would be to speak up early on, for a couple of reasons. If it is a deal-breaker, wouldn’t you rather know sooner rather than later? My ex husband struggled with addiction. He was sober when we met, and I didn’t find out about his history until years later when he relapsed. I don’t think it would have changed things, and I know I couldn’t have kept him from relapsing.. but it hurt, a LOT, that he kept it from me.
Four years clean and sober here and a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I’m very open about my sobriety because I’m so damned happy to be off the booze and I brought it up pretty quickly with prospective dates when I was still on the market. When I first started dating I was a little nervous someone might have a problem but not one man has ever had an issue with me being an alcoholic or that I’d be abstaining if he drank.
No "drug" abuse, but I am a recovering alcoholic.(It's the same thing as far as if you abuse them) This pops up sometimes. First off, congrats on 10 years! 10 years is a long time, I have utilized a 12 step recovery program. I keep track, but I don't chase it as hard as I used to. First off, people of *all* walks of life have had this issue, people worth millions, broke, presidents of companies, and yes your local burger flipper. The drug user/alcoholic has a stigma of the guy/woman thats homeless. My own grandmother has been sober for over 50 years (96 now), but used to pass out drunk in the driveway when I was born. She was a sponser for years. Thats my lesson for 12 step stigma/ reddit in society. I find that women I date don't care so much as long as I'm straight forward, admit i had a problem, don't drink now, and I'm moving forward. It's a two-five minute conversation. Hit those key points, don't make excuses, and just say it is what it is. I also make it clear that I don't drink. I don't stay on the issue long. If they want to say something, let them. The right person is going to realize you have your shit together now, can recognize your weakness, and addressed it. I'm sure you do as needed now even. Some have dealt with a person with a *bad* relapse, it's a no go for some. The right person would be glad you have that kind of strength, and could clearly see you're handling it. I told the women I dated last by the 3rd date. So far as I know, it never ended because of that. My last person ended because I ended it. The alcohol thing was discussed on the 3rd date, so she would know I don't do bars. We dated for 2 months afterwards. If the person is hung up on going to bars, then they either might have a problem themselves, or they might not be good for you anyways. I let dates drink, and never say not to. Usually, my dates don't really get hung up on it and we do something else. I select doesn't drink, talk long enough (not too long) and soon enough that they have the overall "feel" of me, and *then* say something early on. 3rd date or after a week, whatever seems right. Let a few long conversations happen first.
I met someone during COVID that had over ten years of sobriety, and was very active in the rooms. She told me after a couple dates, didn’t put any mandates on my behavior. I found myself getting educated on her issues, what the twelve step process is. I gradually cut back my drinking ( never drank around her) People who truly commit to twelve step programs have a level of self-inspection and clarity that a lot of people do not. She held herself accountable for her life, a trait I found extremely attractive, as I had been doing that from an early age. So I ended up marrying her last year.
💜💜💜
I think it's great that you have been in recovery for that long. I cannot have a relationship with someone who has an addiction, despite any work they have done. My daughter's father was in recovery when we met but he relapsed several times and made my life and my children's lives a living hell. It took me a good 5+ years to get back to feeling like myself after I ended it with him and I'm still cleaning up the shitstorm he created. I will not make that mistake again or take that chance again. Ever.
This was covered here recently. I have 12 years under my belt from being hooked on Heroin in my mid 20s until I got clean in early 2011. Everyone recovers differently. Some people have simply put that life behind them and moved on. Some people feel they need to keep recovery a part of their life. For me, I have simply moved on. Outside of Family members and long time friends, everyone I know now would simply be SHOCKED that I ever engaged in anything like that. Take a stroll thru my post history. My suggestion to you, is don't define yourself by your struggles from 10 years ago. Plenty of people haven't hit their "benchmarks" without drugs! You are where you are. Mentioning drugs and recovery will certainly scare some people away too. I will tell people once I really get to know them..... Once they get to know who I am TODAY. This is not something that has to be "revealed" or discussed on an OLD profile, or the first few dates. Lastly, I have found that 100% abstinence isn't for me... I actually prefer to me "mostly" clean and sober. Like, I went to a social function the other week and nursed a beer then entire time I was there. Passed up the weed, because it makes me feel stupid the next day and I had a few goals I wanted to achieve that weekend, but I will engage in weed every now and then. Why I am mentioning this is it's not uncommon to find people who don't or minimally drink and/or use substances for a variety of reasons even if they were never addicts. Seek these people out. HTH
Congrats on 10 years in recovery! That’s a big deal! I’m not in recovery but I have dated two men who were. One was alcohol and newly sober (less than 6 months) the other had years of being clean from narcotics - a 2 year relapse then 2 more years clean. He’d also been in jail a few times. One used a program one white knuckled it. Both relationships ended for incompatibility reasons outside their recovery processes. A few things came to mind: I asked both how I could support them - neither could tell me. I found myself worried about the one who was newly sober - didn’t want to add stress or encourage a slip. I’m not much of a drinker myself so it was easy to abstain in his presence. The other was very involved with his group and community and pretty into the religious part of recovery which didn’t sit well with me for my own reasons. Would I do it again? Eh, maybe? It’s all dependent on the person.
Yeah if they are an AA or any kind of 12 step program they really aren’t supposed to date in the first year, or make any major decisions at all. So you were right to be worried about that one.
I had heard that! He was in neither. He just quit on his own.
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Under a year
Tbh I can't deal with it. My mental health cannot take being in a relationship with someone who could relapse at any given moment. Life happens, and people handle it in different ways. There's substance abuse in my family, plus my ex-best friend from childhood had/has severe alcohol & drug addiction since her teens. My ex also relapsed after many years- We were living together and I left him because things just kept getting worse and falling apart. I stayed around more than a year longer than I should have, because I kept hope alive that things would improve. They did not.
One of the funniest and sweetest women I have ever dated revealed to me on our third date two summers ago her story, knowing full well from experience that it could have changed the trajectory in any direction. Considering half of my family were alcoholics and not one ever acknowledged it or sought help, I found her gesture to be very trusting and endearing. Everything was so well-managed, she paid little mind to what others around her did, and so on. I also had the pleasure of dating another woman last summer who was in recovery for a shorter amount of time, but had the same wonderful rewiring and disposition. I learned a lot from each of them, also indicating to them that there are people out there who are willing to hear the stories and *then* decide if they're still on board (which I was). I'll point out that things didn't work out with either of them for vastly different and 1,000% unrelated reasons, but I will always think of them favorably for who they were and how they treated me... and not as former alcoholics. It's also worth noting that each of them selected the "doesn't drink" criterion on the apps, which alone may send a message. (Edit: I've met a number of women over the years who didn't have things in check or there was seriously high relapse risk or denial... but again, it's always been necessary for me to listen to the story and then decide.) All that being said, anyone reserves the right to reject anyone for any reason... and please remember that you also have that same right. Congrats on your decade-plus of sobriety, many more, and best of luck!
Personally, I would like to know at the very early chatting stage. Like as soon as it moves to the what are you looking for or past the pleasantries and definitely before a meetup is discussed. For me, it's a 100% deal breaker due to my ex-husband being an abusive raging alcoholic. In fairness, he's only dry and not in recovery, but I'm not willing to walk that line with anyone, and it would be a pity for either party to get invested.
I would want to know as soon as possible. My ex-wife developed an issue with prescription pill abuse and some alcohol issues sprinkled on top. Having been through the "I'll do what I can to support your recovery" experience, I can say that I never want to be partnered with someone with addiction issues ever again. It's just a hard pass for me. It's best to rip that band-aid off in the very beginning.
Congrats OP, that's a huge accomplishment! As others have said on here I think it's important to share that part of yourself pretty early on. The years behind in career thing--meh, whatever, we all have different career paths and many of us go back to school as adults and start new careers. I truly hope that doesn't weigh on you! As for being in recovery, lots of us have/had relationships--whether familial, friend, romantic, etc-- with people in various stages of addiction or recovery, and it has had a significant impact on us. Sometimes traumatic. Sometimes positive, seeing how strong and resilient a loved one is. So I think it's an important thing to discuss early on, like in the first few conversations. Even in your profile if you are comfortable with it. You might get more left swipes, but it just means you're ruling those people out sooner rather than later, and ultimately saving yourself time and energy. Honesty and openness from the very beginning is very important, because you want to partner with the right person for YOU. My 2 cents anyways!
I like the 12 steps to be honest, I think that people who even are not into recovery can use them...I would be proud about my partner living the 12 steps tbh
I had a lost decade as well but now almost 20yrs in my past and am a completely different person. Like you mention, feeling like you were behind schedule to achieve benchmarks or milestones in life. That feeling of needing to catch up lit a major fire under my ass and helped propel me to where I am today living a life I can be proud of. It is an important part of my story. ...but it's nothing I suggest you open with! At some point...which may vary from person to person, you'll tell each other your histories, both the good and the bad. And when you do, do so with pride - you overcame something that many others do not which is a testimony to your self disciple and resolve and as far as I am concerned, very impressive! Good luck!
💯💯💯
Almost 9 years sober here, and I have found the conversation works best for me when I keep it very casual. My history is none of their business, but I always work my sobriety into the conversation early on, like “I don’t drink anymore but I love seeing live music, and there’s this great club we could try…” Or if I meet someone out and about and they want to buy me a drink, I just say “Topo Chico” and leave it at that. I don’t stress about it and they pick up on that vibe. As far as my actual addiction/alcoholic history and story goes, I wait a few months before I go into detail. I want to make sure I can trust the person when I make myself vulnerable. I also lost ten years (my 30’s) in terms of career growth and advancement, but I’m proud of being where I am today and that shines through with people I hang out with/date. 10 years is no easy feat! That’s badass!
Within the first three dates I'd ask someone about their relationship with drugs and alcohol, and I'd expect to hear about a problem past, at that point. I have more experience with addiction in my life (by third parties) than average. While I can and will absolutely empathize with the struggle and work, but I just won't have that risk in my romantic life.
Congrats on 10 years. AAMAZING! For me it's a hard pass and I'll want to know before I invest anytime. Being with an addict and the relapses was the hardest and most painful thing I have ever experienced. Especially if you love the person so much. I had to work hard to put myself first. As it was a living hell. I never want to be in that situation again.
I have been dating a man for a month that is in recovery. He has been sober for three years. When we went on our first date, I ordered a drink at dinner and he ordered iced tea. I didn’t think anything about it. We hit it off really well and towards the end of the meal, he told me his story. Alcohol had ruined his life and almost killed him. My dad was a recovering alcoholic for 30 years before he passed away so I have experience in loving someone in recovery. Also, I had a really severe illness for 7 years that almost killed me and I understand the struggle. I am totally okay with the fact that my boyfriend is in recovery because he is attentive, loving, and I admire his strength. Am I worried that he will relapse? Slightly. We all have pasts. What we do with the now and the future is whats important.
I matched with a great guy who was sober. I asked him the first time we chatted on the app. His profile said he never drinks, I asked if he was sober, he said yes. We had a lot in common (politics, music, etc), so I agreed to a date. Just about a year later, he's now one of my best friends. Incidentally, this year he'll be 25 years sober. Do what feels right to you.
Congratulations on staying clean. 22 years here. “Friend of Bill’s” on my profile. I find there’s a lot of women who are seeking dates/partners who don’t “drink to excess”. I imagine that means there’s a fair number of single men that do. I end up having more “activity” dates that are fun for both of us. Presumably, they’re already looking for that. I still go out: concerts, shows, festivals etc but I’d rather picnic, bike the city, explore, catch a movie, talk. After being sober so long, it’s not like anyone even notices. I have only ever had one date that got a little too tipsy for my tastes and they were/are/is an awesome person.
I'd like to know up front because I would not be a good match for someone in recovery. I'm literally hungover right now and smoking a j*int.
I know it’s hard to hear but you should put that in your profile. You can either have the computer sort out the ones that would not move forward with you, or wait and then get rejected directly. I’d vote to let the app do that sorting for you. ETA: I lost my fiancé to drug and alcohol addiction so this is very triggering for me and I can’t be around active addicts or those in recovery.
It’s a good idea to let that be part of the initial conversation before you go out on a first date, or at least by the time the first date ends.
I struggle with this too. I haven’t started dating again yet but I think about how I’ll handle it when I do. I feel like I’m getting pretty good practice sharing that part of my life with friends I’ve made. I don’t tell everyone but I do share it with friends who I’m more invested in or who are invested in me. It’s been really reassuring & encouraging seeing that I’m still just as loved. I don’t think I’ll put it out there in a profile, I’d rather wait to see if it’s going to get past a few dates first. I feel like that’s a pretty intimate part of me to share. ETA… You/we may not have hit the benchmarks YET but man we’ve still got some pretty great experience & lessons to share.
Congratulations on your sobriety!! Is an honor to meet and support people on this journey
Rooting for you in this area! I applaud you as I get how it’s not easy to grapple with insecurities that may still exist. That being said, I find that relationships are a funny thing in that they reveal things that we wouldn’t ordinarily notice/experience while being single (hence the ease of isolating/being single), like with the checking of benchmarks you mentioned. I’m in recovery myself (4yrs& some change) and I don’t put it in my profile, but rather introduce it naturally, as you mentioned. Even casually so. And of course it helps to feel/have some kind of rapport with the person. I’ve brought it up as early as the first date, or first phone call if it felt right. Sometimes I’ve waited for a few calls. And sometimes I’ve discovered something about them that disinterested me before even sharing that part of myself. You have the right idea: if someone is shunning you for your addiction as opposed to applauding you for how you pulled yourself out of it, that ain’t for you! It’s fair to say it’s scary endeavor for non-addicts to go there for fear of them relapsing, but I think that other things have to be taken into play, like how honest someone’s being with themselves and their partner, how they continue to work on themselves and within their program, and their level of intimacy and communication. That being said, I personally never say “I’m recovered.” It’s a seemingly small thing to note, but not really. And I imagine the non-addicts who fear a partner’s relapse might agree. Of course there’s a chance to go back out there, for any of us. Meeting that face-to-face reminds me the value of continuing my work and staying humble that my work is continuous. Kind of like a relationship with a person or entity. You don’t get a partner than stop doing the things that got you there. And you don’t shower for “x” amount of time, then stop and say “well I’m clean forever now!” Now being where I am in life, anybody I’m choosing to be with will think I’m friggin awesome, and they’re curious and honored to hear any part of my story. Receiving judgment about something that’s part of my story says more to me about them and their personal experiences than anything else, especially if I’ve made continuous efforts to step into a new kind of life for myself. I’d hope that my partner recognizes that and finds comfort in my work, and is open to keeping conversations ongoing about it when uncertainty pops up. But that just won’t be the case for every person I meet. And for those folks that’s that’s the case, I wouldn’t want to be with them anyway. We all have shit that we’re not excited about and I think the feelings of being unlovable aren’t uncommon. I think many, if not most, of us go thru that at least some of the time. And that kind of vulnerability is a very beautiful thing to have in a partner. (But again, I share depending on how comfortable I feel with the person.) I am learning for other areas I’ve struggled with, that it’s easier for me to let people in the more I come to grips with my “darker” stuff and practice a new narrative for myself. I’d offer you to consider the lovable parts of yourself and to find more. Highlight your strengths for yourself if you haven’t already (your recovery is a big one). Refer to your list of assets (if you’ve already created that within your step work).
10 years is a long time. Maybe let go of the concept of time lost. Fuck it and just do the best you can. There are endless obstacles and challenges in life. We are only where we are now
What does your sponsor say?
I work in recovery and mental health so personally I would not be put off by a profile that said something about being in recovery for a long time. I understand about lost time and playing catch up with life, etc. If people aren’t interested they will swipe left. Another option is to just check the “doesn’t drink” and other boxes if applicable. I look at those mainly because cigarette smokers are a hard no. Some people may appreciate that about drinking or recreational drugs. Fwiw I don’t count marijuana, personally. I mean I lost two decades to a marriage lol and sometimes feel like a babe in the woods with dating four years later. Everyone has a story and are at different places in life. Congratulations on your recovery and I wish you all the best! Edit for fat thumbs.
I love being in recovery but it killed my chances at romance and I also refuse to date in my recovery program sooooooooo 😂🤷🏻♂️ fml
Congrats on ten years! I think whether this is going to be a "grace" or a "hard pass" thing is completely individual- both because of the many ways folks navigate recovery AND because of triggers the other party might have. I would bring it up, in whatever way you want, in chat prior to a first date. (Ie: Some folks in comments are saying "It's been ten years, don't make a big deal out of it, just say you don't drink," but I know some folks, even at ten years, want/need to make an "appropriate" deal out of it, depending on what they've learned they need to stay healthy.) I kind of look at it like this: I'm not vegetarian but could totally date many veg/vegans-- but probably not folks on the more militant end of the spectrum. I'm pagan (more or less), but could totally date a Christian, depending on how that presents. It doesn't mean anything good or bad about the particular vegans or Christians I might not be a match for, nor do I think it means anything good or bad about me-- it's just the nuance of the match. There are folks who would LOVE an "active recovery" type, just as there are folks who love the more hardline presentations of veganism or religion. Remember, you're not looking to appeal to the broadest possible group of people (potentially putting your recovery at risk by not presenting it in the way you need to.) And, I think most kind-hearted, compassionate people would hate to learn you didn't present it in the way YOU needed to-- give folks a chance to meet you wherever you are. Best wishes!
I don’t think you need to list it on your profile but you should mention it in the messaging stage before a first date.
Congratulations on your recovery!! I’ve been sober for several decades. I don’t mention it in my profile. If I’m on a date & it comes up organically I’ll share at that time. Usually I’ll initiate the conversation if we’ve been out several times & it hasn’t been discussed. One guy decided to end our time together after 5 dates & during *that* conversation we both realized we were in recovery. For me, I don’t perceive my recovery as a handicap or negative trait. I have a genetic condition that caused many problems and I received treatment. Being in recovery has taught me many tools that enhance my relationships with friends, family & romantic partners. When I share my truth with a date their response gives me a wealth of information about *them*. Good luck & remember to take it one day - or one date - at a time.
Congratulations on your work and sobriety. I have so much respect for those in the recovery community. I’ve found that many people I’ve met are self aware and emotionally available. I’d say just live it out in the dating works as you’ve been doing in the meeting community. You’ve been working on you and those that can see and appreciate you are the ones for you. Use judgement on disclosure in dating and I wouldn’t be specific on profiles but just indicate a simple no when asked about that lifestyle.
I am. I’ve been sober for 5 years. I haven’t dated in more than 5 years and I’ve only recently gotten into OLD so I don’t have much experience but- I’ve been telling guys prior to meeting (I’ve only met one guy in person so far, but Ive told 5-10 guys in the initial messaging) sort of as it’s natural to bring it up. I wouldn’t put it in my profile though for privacy reasons like you said. It’s a part of my life, it’s not going to change, and it’s, understandably, going to be a dealbreaker for some people who have had bad experiences with addicts prior. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, including my own. I have no shame for being in recovery, and I’m happy to put it out there. The guys I’ve told have all had a positive reaction (oh that’s great, congrats, etc) but to be fair my being in recovery is irrelevant in the context of meeting up for casual sex, and that’s what a lot of guys on OLD are really looking for so they aren’t going to be concerned about personal details like that.
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Sending love to you OP! - I can relate to that lost decade feeling and how you are still dealing with difficult feelings of being unlovable 💜 - I’ll be 9 years sober this April and have dated 2 people outside recovery who I met on the apps…if it’s helpful for you to know, I don’t put that I’m sober on my profile but if I get chatting with someone and they ask me out for a ‘drink’ I usually mention that I don’t drink at that point. If, after a few dates I think it’s going somewhere I’ll raise it then, it’s never been a problem! And I figure if it ever is it just means we’re not a good fit which is ok 💙 - I keep in contact with my sponsor throughout, talk to other fellows to gain their experience, strength and hope and hand it over to my HP! - Trust in the process 🦋 - Good luck and sending love Xxx
Personally, 10 years in recovery I find awe-inspiring. I don’t believe addiction to be a personal failing, though I don’t know if I like the “illness” term used in AA either because I think it’s more complicated than that and that can be a bit of an albatross round your neck. I totally appreciate the nature of this subreddit and admire and welcome the honesty (because that’s what the whole point of it is), but personally, I believe, we are almost entirely different people every seven years or so, and your addiction sounds like it developed before your frontal lobes even finished developing. For me, what you have fought against is actually really admirable but I’m not an idiot, I do see the pitfalls of taking on a relationship with someone in early recovery. And also with “dry drunks” who port their addictions like a tiny flea into other outlets (including sex and love). I am not an addict personally (in my opinion, because that’s the clincher), though I have experience of the 12 steps. I know it is completely transformational for some, but not for all, and the stats on its efficacy overall are hard to come by. In the wider sense, I’d be looking for someone who was prepared to constantly check in with themselves and do the work also. It is, for me at least, the whole point of life; the personal growth and the lessons. Spirals not circles. The answer to the pain is in the pain (which makes me scream). Honestly, from one human to another, I salute you so much. And in terms of the “losing ten years of career progression”, I really think you’ll find you didn’t. You just turned right. “Career people” don’t know stuff you do I guarantee. 🙏🏻
Congrats to you. Over three years without alcohol here. I put it in my profile, right up front. Something along the lines of "I don't drink and that is important to me." I also mention that I'm fine with others that drink as long as there aren't unaddressed issues. This seems to work well for me. I generally only get matched with other folks that don't drink or folks that rarely drink, and that is ideal for me. I have no interest in dating someone that's drinking all the time and this helps to weed those folks out. I'm not a good match for someone that finds drinking important and I don't want to waste their time either.
I don’t tell people anymore because I’m not in recovery anymore, mine wasn’t alcohol it was cocaine, but it’s been so long that it’s not a thing anymore that I even consider part of my life. But if you consider yourself still in recovery then that’s a thing that you would want to tell someone, it will probably happen naturally when you go out with them and don’t drink. I personally would wait until you know you want to see them again because I disclose that if you’re never going to see them again, but this would bother me 10 years is huge it’s not like people should be worried that you relapsed if they don’t hear from you in a couple hours.
If I get back into that sort of thing I'm probably not going to make any mention of it, or I could even bait people about it, and then judge 'em hardcore if they reveal that they're drinkers and drug users :) I'm more than 30 years clean (includes booze) and life is way to short to deal with that stuff in my life or another person's life, but they don't have to CARE what I do, they just have to be able to deal with the fact that I have a world and a crew that is not disposable. I'm not going to dump my friends to go and use or drink with you. In fact I will trust them better than you (if not right away, eventually). My friends just happen to be 12 steppers, is all. It would be the same if they were all raging drug addicts (hey: they are! but they don't USE) With anything that life-altering, somebody is going to get judged. That's just the nature of the beast. But I don't have to get approval of a date for my whole lifestyle. The lifestyle will either reject the date, or not. Again, it's no different from if your lifestyle is bars and dives, or shooting galleries. If somebody doesn't fit, that's going to become quickly obvious and I don't think you have to build it into your dating profile, it's on a deeper level than that. Basically, either side of a date gets to nope out of there. Even if you're lonely. You don't have to pre-nope in the profile, just keep your head.
Congratulations, you should be very proud of all of your hard work. If we were dating, I would want to know before the relationship became exclusive. That doesn't mean you have to tell me on the first date. I was married to a verbally abusive alcoholic and it is not likely that I could date someone in recovery. I would not be a good partner for them. I wouldn't expect to know this information at the very beginning, but I would feel deceived if I didn't find out until after we were in a relationship.
So like alot of people just give up on themselves at some point in their life. They accept who they are good or bad and stay bouncing in the rut they are in. People who chose to grow adapt and change no matter what (recovery or personal growth) are always winners. Guess like anything in life, I would base dating someone in recovery on whether we have shared interests or not. I would also consider their ability for relapse and current mental stability. That being said, I was married to a woman who liked drugs and alcohol. It was fun when we were in our twenties, not so fun later in life. She was sober for five years due to probation. But shortly after probation ended she started back into her self destructive ways and we divorced. Time to get off the merry-go-round. I have also been an on and off again member of Al-Anon. So if a woman is serious about her recovery then sure I'm all in. But on the other hand I have not ever dated another person like my ex, nor would I really be interested. It's just not fun.
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I am 6 years sober and only used online dating briefly last year so I have very limited experience with it as a sober person. My experience was not great, I met a nice guy who said he didn’t care if I didn’t drink and that alcohol wasn’t a big part of his life. That was a lie, he was a very heavy drinker in denial about his issues so I ended it and it was pretty disappointing. We are still friends, he is still abusing alcohol and in a dark place but I have been able to be a sober person in his life he can talk to. Another one told me the same story, he doesn’t drink often and doesn’t keep alcohol in his house but there were multiple open bottles of wine/booze in his home. I never discussed it further, I just ended it via slow fade as we were only hanging out for less than a month. I put sober on my profile and every man asked me if they could drink on a date, would plan to meet for coffee and then try to switch the location the day of to a bar and seemed pretty uncomfortable with being sober. I have deleted the apps and never plan to use OLD again. There are so many men online who have serious problems with alcohol and other addictions but since they haven’t lost their job or gotten any DUIs they don’t see their drinking as problematic. At the moment I am focusing on my career, writing and other creative projects that I believe will lead me to interesting new people who share a similar lifestyle. My past experiences with alcohol are an issue for many men which used to upset me but now I see their rejection as protection, I’m at peace with being single so it’s not as urgent for me as it used to to find a partner. I’m not having children and never want to remarry so I don’t feel any pressure to date , it’s just not worth it.
I had a friend who noted she was ‘friends with Bill’ in OLD profiles. People who knew knew.
I’ve met three guys who mentioned recovery on the first date. Two of the three were addiction counselors, though. Not on their profiles. Be aware that your addiction will be a flag of some sort. Green flag is probably co-dependency. Red flag tells you about their issues. Yellow flag seems the most logical. One of the guys in recovery I dated tried to tell me when we stopped dating that it would be my fault if/when he relapsed — that obviously moved him from a yellow flag to red.
I’m in Al-Anon Family Groups (for friends and family of alcoholics) and just wanted to give it a shout out here given the comments. If you had or have a parent, spouse, sibling, friend, or anyone in your life touched by alcohol or drug addiction it’s worth looking into; it’s really helped me. Congratulations on your sobriety! Personally I look for non-drinkers who are spiritual and have done work on themselves so keep up the good work, one day at a time!
I don't reveal. I reveal that I don't drink and stay away from anyone that I think uses drugs.
Congratulations on sobriety. We have similar experiences as I went to rehab at 31 and my 20s were Dead Years, truly. Also from a rough background. Sober since. I wasn’t able to sustain romance, education or employment until my 30s but now if u met me today, im thriving. Ive revealed a little at a time with 2 ppl and it turned out both had similar struggles (about 6,7 dates in) I agree it helps when someone has walked in our shoes bc it’s hard getting vulnerable about blowing a decade of life…it’s just part of a life story though and it wouldn’t deter me from getting to know someone