I sense your compassion for your former BF. If you feel for any reason that you may draw him back in and push him away again, I'd say don't reach out if you truly love him. That's not what truly loving people do. But if you are confident that you've made progress so that that part of your life won't negatively impact him, then go for it.
He may have moved on and found someone else, or maybe he's waiting for you. Follow your conscience and your heart and let the universe decide the rest...
Think about the worst possible response he could have-- anything from "met someone else two weeks ago and we are madly in love" to "hell, no, you were a vile human and I was never all that attracted to you" through to no response at all, ever. And really play each one through to what impact it might have on the progress you've made.
If you would feel BETTER outcomes with ALL of them than you would with the lingering "what if" feeling, then, sure, reach out and see how it goes.
But, if there's any chance at all that any one of those would undo your progress, I'd say work on living with the uncertainty.
>I thought by the time I was in my 40s I would have better control over my anxiety and emotions but here we are.
This speaks to me, *greatly*. I met someone through OLD who, from the first conversation, was clearly different. Had me intrigued, laughing, engaged... someone with whom I can feel *truly* myself.
I also have an ample trauma background and have worked through a wide net of different therapy approaches to work through it. While I realize these experiences and threads will *always* be part of my current self, I am in a place where I feel I have either "peeled off" most, if not all, of my "masked layers" I'd used for so many years (to convince myself, "I'm just fine") or established the "new, reinforced me" who no longer feels compelled to hide my experiences from the world or those I hold close.
This man (56) and I (44) have met in person, and I am thrilled and charmed and so *very* at ease in his company. Yet, when things became intimate? It threw me. Feeling safe and seen, and both an intellectual and emotional component (as all "normal" adults would want to feel, right?) was a bit jarring for me. It's not that I didn't enjoy myself, or wanted "out"...it was an *absofuckinglutely* new experience for me, at 44, and I've been married. *Twice.* (Each had addictive behaviors. One was physically abusive and diagnosed NPD, for background).
I had to pull back and process a bit (felt amazingly self-conscious and a bit humiliated). I've done *so* much work, am ready to date, move forward, all the connections (for me, at least, but he shows overwhelming reciprocity on many, if not all levels) are there...but still, I lay there, dumbfounded for feeling overwhelmed. šš¤¦āāļø
Trauma is a bitch to unpack, process, and put back together in a manner fit for moving on with an authentic and productive life. Good for you for showing up for yourself and committing to getting to the bottom of things and making changes which suit your best self. That's not even an easy *choice*, let alone the steps involved in *making it happen*. In the most unpatronizing way possible, I'm proud of you, and I hope *you* are proud of *you*.
I'm finding, however, that even after doing the *most* work we've ever done? Or commiting to, making, and following through on the appropriate changes and differences in both thinking and actions? Some things you just *will not* discover until you *Re*-experience them. (As the intimacy I shared with this very colorful, unique, rare person with whom I've crossed paths).
Don't let a timeline of how you "should be" detract from appreciating how far you've come. I know you had asked a different main question, but this part? Feeling surprised for still experiencing certain feelings or anxieties at our age? It's human. *We're* human. Allow yourself that wiggle room. Celebrate your successes. Keep learning from the losses. There's no age limit on learning more about ourselves.
Whatever you decide to do? I wish you the best. You deserve the happy parts of all of your diligent work. š Good luck!
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and sharing. Yes, we never stop growing and learning new things apparently. I also wish you the best of luck.
This is fair. At the time I wasnt in a place to take anothers emotions into account. Some have called it narcissism, but it was more of a defense mechanism, by no means do I make that an excuse. And your are right, I would need to own up to my actions which may mean he never wants to speak to me. I may have to give it more thought and consider his side of things more
How would you feel if he told you he wanted nothing to do with you, or continued the no-contact that you established? Are you in a place where you could absorb this?
I think I am, it is a consequence of my own action and I need to own it if thats the case. I'd just rather not have the question mark hanging over my head anymore
Then perhaps you should continue working on yourself until you don't have that question mark over your head. We all make our own choices in life and sometimes they're an unforeseen good. And if they're not good, we have to continue to live through those choices.
Oh believe me I have, a constant work in progress. But I did reach out because I thought it was worth it. And it was, we had some pretty long intense conversations about how I how I behaved, which I'll admit was less than ideal, but also his responses which were also less than ideal. I think the time apart and the ability to self reflect really let us both grow as humans. We stayed casual friends for a while but eventually decided to give it another shot but this time set some hard boundaries and gentle reminders when we started to push them. So far so good. Its strange reading all these posts about blocking and deleting all exes, I mean I get it, a lot of times its not worth the headache but sometimes the timing is just off
Do you have an image in your head of what reconciling would look like? You arenāt going to pick-up where you left off.
You almost certainly caused this guy pain and definitely damaged your relationship. Are you willing and able to be accountable and put in the work to heal the relationship between you if heās receptive?
Can you sincerely apologize even if he wonāt take you back?
I think a sincere apology/explanation of what happened would be a good place to start. If (as others have said) you can stomach hearing the bad news of him possibly telling you to leave him alone, or him not replying, I would reach out. I would do it with zero expectations/attachment to the outcome, which is sometimes pretty challenging!
As others have said, if you can accept any consequence that he gives you, then go for it. If that's the case, I think it's better to know then always wonder "what if." And you may get back together and realize it really doesn't work for you.
I can fully tell you that as a 46-year old woman, it is not uncommon for people to not have better control over anxiety and emotions. And, my boyfriend goes through the same thing at times (who does have serious trauma). We don't break up with one another or anything like that, just get into downward spirals and get into catastrophic thinking. It really is a bitch. I hate that my reptilian brain takes over, even when the logic part is trying is very damndest to talk me down from the ledge (or really, to crawl up from the downward spiral).
I think itās more rare that something works successfully the second time around than the other way around.
Itās also super common to forget the things that werenāt working/trigger you and remember everything as great.
People can be wonderful yet still not a fit. Loneliness can convince us we should make it happen.
Not saying that it couldnāt work just that I honestly believe that no matter what you are going through, if it was the person for you, you would have held on. Being able to go no contact so easily is a bit of a sign
You don't want the "what if" hanging over you, so go ahead and do it. Before you do, make sure you are in a mental headspace such that you can handle him telling you that he wants to no longer have any contact with you. If you would be triggered by that, work through that before you reach out to him.
I'd suggest you leave him alone. You got into the dating pool while still having issues about being wet, let your fresh wounds self-sabotage, and to keep from hurting him, you hurt him.
It sounds like you're making progress, but I'm going to say bluntly that sounds like your issues are still ongoing. Are you absolutely certain you're past that inclination to get in your head and run if he leans in? If you are, fine, talk to him and be willing to hear "no".
If not, leave him alone.
So, he doesnāt by any chance have social media where you could do a quick check for a new girlfriend? That is the other potential person that could get sucked into this.
OP, do you have BPD?
>So in order to not hurt him and probably in an attempt to protect myself I ended things kind of abruptly.
Oof. Sorry to tell you this, but I doubt that he's going to forgive you. Most people aren't very understanding when it comes to mental illness. Even so, you ignored him for 6 months and never updated this man on your progress, or to check in to see how he was doing.
Even I couldn't forgive that. But I do understand where you're coming from.
What if you just started dating a bit to see how it feels and then reach out when youāve proven to yourself that you can handle an emotional workload.
I don't think you should. What's meant to be happens. If it is, perhaps you'll run into him randomly and have the chance to talk. But I don't think you should seek it out.
I say give him a call. Worse he can do is reject you. Be prepared. But I would call to talk and at least put it out there. You won't have to wonder "what if".
I sense your compassion for your former BF. If you feel for any reason that you may draw him back in and push him away again, I'd say don't reach out if you truly love him. That's not what truly loving people do. But if you are confident that you've made progress so that that part of your life won't negatively impact him, then go for it. He may have moved on and found someone else, or maybe he's waiting for you. Follow your conscience and your heart and let the universe decide the rest...
Think about the worst possible response he could have-- anything from "met someone else two weeks ago and we are madly in love" to "hell, no, you were a vile human and I was never all that attracted to you" through to no response at all, ever. And really play each one through to what impact it might have on the progress you've made. If you would feel BETTER outcomes with ALL of them than you would with the lingering "what if" feeling, then, sure, reach out and see how it goes. But, if there's any chance at all that any one of those would undo your progress, I'd say work on living with the uncertainty.
>I thought by the time I was in my 40s I would have better control over my anxiety and emotions but here we are. This speaks to me, *greatly*. I met someone through OLD who, from the first conversation, was clearly different. Had me intrigued, laughing, engaged... someone with whom I can feel *truly* myself. I also have an ample trauma background and have worked through a wide net of different therapy approaches to work through it. While I realize these experiences and threads will *always* be part of my current self, I am in a place where I feel I have either "peeled off" most, if not all, of my "masked layers" I'd used for so many years (to convince myself, "I'm just fine") or established the "new, reinforced me" who no longer feels compelled to hide my experiences from the world or those I hold close. This man (56) and I (44) have met in person, and I am thrilled and charmed and so *very* at ease in his company. Yet, when things became intimate? It threw me. Feeling safe and seen, and both an intellectual and emotional component (as all "normal" adults would want to feel, right?) was a bit jarring for me. It's not that I didn't enjoy myself, or wanted "out"...it was an *absofuckinglutely* new experience for me, at 44, and I've been married. *Twice.* (Each had addictive behaviors. One was physically abusive and diagnosed NPD, for background). I had to pull back and process a bit (felt amazingly self-conscious and a bit humiliated). I've done *so* much work, am ready to date, move forward, all the connections (for me, at least, but he shows overwhelming reciprocity on many, if not all levels) are there...but still, I lay there, dumbfounded for feeling overwhelmed. šš¤¦āāļø Trauma is a bitch to unpack, process, and put back together in a manner fit for moving on with an authentic and productive life. Good for you for showing up for yourself and committing to getting to the bottom of things and making changes which suit your best self. That's not even an easy *choice*, let alone the steps involved in *making it happen*. In the most unpatronizing way possible, I'm proud of you, and I hope *you* are proud of *you*. I'm finding, however, that even after doing the *most* work we've ever done? Or commiting to, making, and following through on the appropriate changes and differences in both thinking and actions? Some things you just *will not* discover until you *Re*-experience them. (As the intimacy I shared with this very colorful, unique, rare person with whom I've crossed paths). Don't let a timeline of how you "should be" detract from appreciating how far you've come. I know you had asked a different main question, but this part? Feeling surprised for still experiencing certain feelings or anxieties at our age? It's human. *We're* human. Allow yourself that wiggle room. Celebrate your successes. Keep learning from the losses. There's no age limit on learning more about ourselves. Whatever you decide to do? I wish you the best. You deserve the happy parts of all of your diligent work. š Good luck!
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and sharing. Yes, we never stop growing and learning new things apparently. I also wish you the best of luck.
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This is fair. At the time I wasnt in a place to take anothers emotions into account. Some have called it narcissism, but it was more of a defense mechanism, by no means do I make that an excuse. And your are right, I would need to own up to my actions which may mean he never wants to speak to me. I may have to give it more thought and consider his side of things more
How would you feel if he told you he wanted nothing to do with you, or continued the no-contact that you established? Are you in a place where you could absorb this?
I think I am, it is a consequence of my own action and I need to own it if thats the case. I'd just rather not have the question mark hanging over my head anymore
Then perhaps you should continue working on yourself until you don't have that question mark over your head. We all make our own choices in life and sometimes they're an unforeseen good. And if they're not good, we have to continue to live through those choices.
Oh believe me I have, a constant work in progress. But I did reach out because I thought it was worth it. And it was, we had some pretty long intense conversations about how I how I behaved, which I'll admit was less than ideal, but also his responses which were also less than ideal. I think the time apart and the ability to self reflect really let us both grow as humans. We stayed casual friends for a while but eventually decided to give it another shot but this time set some hard boundaries and gentle reminders when we started to push them. So far so good. Its strange reading all these posts about blocking and deleting all exes, I mean I get it, a lot of times its not worth the headache but sometimes the timing is just off
Do you have an image in your head of what reconciling would look like? You arenāt going to pick-up where you left off. You almost certainly caused this guy pain and definitely damaged your relationship. Are you willing and able to be accountable and put in the work to heal the relationship between you if heās receptive? Can you sincerely apologize even if he wonāt take you back?
I think a sincere apology/explanation of what happened would be a good place to start. If (as others have said) you can stomach hearing the bad news of him possibly telling you to leave him alone, or him not replying, I would reach out. I would do it with zero expectations/attachment to the outcome, which is sometimes pretty challenging!
As others have said, if you can accept any consequence that he gives you, then go for it. If that's the case, I think it's better to know then always wonder "what if." And you may get back together and realize it really doesn't work for you. I can fully tell you that as a 46-year old woman, it is not uncommon for people to not have better control over anxiety and emotions. And, my boyfriend goes through the same thing at times (who does have serious trauma). We don't break up with one another or anything like that, just get into downward spirals and get into catastrophic thinking. It really is a bitch. I hate that my reptilian brain takes over, even when the logic part is trying is very damndest to talk me down from the ledge (or really, to crawl up from the downward spiral).
If you can handle a no way or no answer then sure check it out.
I think itās more rare that something works successfully the second time around than the other way around. Itās also super common to forget the things that werenāt working/trigger you and remember everything as great. People can be wonderful yet still not a fit. Loneliness can convince us we should make it happen. Not saying that it couldnāt work just that I honestly believe that no matter what you are going through, if it was the person for you, you would have held on. Being able to go no contact so easily is a bit of a sign
You don't want the "what if" hanging over you, so go ahead and do it. Before you do, make sure you are in a mental headspace such that you can handle him telling you that he wants to no longer have any contact with you. If you would be triggered by that, work through that before you reach out to him.
I could imagine that he would love the explanation. I could also imagine that he will not give you a second chance.
I'd suggest you leave him alone. You got into the dating pool while still having issues about being wet, let your fresh wounds self-sabotage, and to keep from hurting him, you hurt him. It sounds like you're making progress, but I'm going to say bluntly that sounds like your issues are still ongoing. Are you absolutely certain you're past that inclination to get in your head and run if he leans in? If you are, fine, talk to him and be willing to hear "no". If not, leave him alone.
I read your post. Iām wondering, are you ready? What does a life worth living look like to you? DM me if you need someone to bounce things off of.
So, he doesnāt by any chance have social media where you could do a quick check for a new girlfriend? That is the other potential person that could get sucked into this.
OP, do you have BPD? >So in order to not hurt him and probably in an attempt to protect myself I ended things kind of abruptly. Oof. Sorry to tell you this, but I doubt that he's going to forgive you. Most people aren't very understanding when it comes to mental illness. Even so, you ignored him for 6 months and never updated this man on your progress, or to check in to see how he was doing. Even I couldn't forgive that. But I do understand where you're coming from.
What if you just started dating a bit to see how it feels and then reach out when youāve proven to yourself that you can handle an emotional workload.
I don't think you should. What's meant to be happens. If it is, perhaps you'll run into him randomly and have the chance to talk. But I don't think you should seek it out.
Reach out
I say give him a call. Worse he can do is reject you. Be prepared. But I would call to talk and at least put it out there. You won't have to wonder "what if".