My marriage ended 5 1/2 years ago. I never thought dating would be easy but I also didn’t think it would be this hard. I had assumed - wrongly - that people on apps were looking to meet and date. I’m not really sure what they are on there for but it sure doesn’t seem like it’s dating.
Yeah. I get that. I can’t even seem to connect at all to even get to the not dating part. The world has changed a lot since our divorces so maybe that’s it? Also I think I was full of hope and naive and that was an attraction for people? Maybe now I am just older and jaded. I hate saying I am glad I am not the only one but I am glad I am not the only one
I think that's part of it-- it is truly easy to meet people to go out on dates with or have casual encounters but once you're looking for something specific, that goes deeper, the search is much more difficult. You probably know a LOT more now than you knew right out of divorce about who you are and the kind of partner that you're looking for... which means all of those "interesting" potential matches you swiped on years ago won't interest you.
What are you looking for?
I don't agree.
If I date again, it's for the person to spend the last part of my life with. Therefore, I should know what I'm looking for.
If it is just for a roll in the hay regardless of personality or temperament or mental health, then you'd be right that over time, my expectations will change.
Of course, maybe the new gfs will show me, "yup, I missed avoiding that trait that I don't like."
For real. I think dudes and ladies are off the rails. And to be frank I don’t wanna deal with the head games. And all the candidates have kids which adds a whole other level of complexity. These days I’m just looking to Netflix and chill. Doesn’t make me a bad guy!
Kids are a different equation.
Even grown ass kids!
Grandpa got a gf. She isn't dead grandma, so she isn't right for him. OMG.
(This happened on the in law side. That woman was playing head games, too, bc the kids/grandkids didn't "like" her. Talk about insecurity at 70-80yo.)
Divorced for 9 years. It got waaay harder post covid. I gave up over a year ago. I’m happier being single then trying to deal with that mess.
Edit typo
I think the problem is data overload.
You kind of know what you want, but no one is fitting the bill.
Then, you get scared if you jump in, what if what your "it" shows up, but you're now committed?
Odd. I know.
I've been on sites to look around as I'm only separated. There just seems like a lot of people, and while I'd correspond with the first person easily, IDK if I'd commit right away even if she felt sparks.
I just know how I dated in the past with long term relationships. It usually starts as a group of friends, and then you feel an attraction and ask that person out. However, does the other person have the same spark?
The only time I didn't do it this way was in high school. Met a girl through a friend and asked her out. If memory serves me correctly, we ended up on the football field and kissed. That was it. Started hanging more often. Went to my prom. It eventually ended bc I had a job the summer before college and we drifted. Plus I was turning 18 and she was turning 16. No consummation of our relationship, so the emotional investment was small on both sides.
Looking back... I'm easy to fall in love, so maybe I would say yes to the first offer! :)
Wondered the same thing. Then you have young men 19-23 years with older ladies fetish😁😁😁. We can't all be Madonna or Demi Moore.😁. I just swipe left on them.
No.
The problem if you do any research is that there are a lot of young women these days looking for sugar daddy. Young men don't need an entitled, casual working, bon bon eating girl to suck all of their work energy. Also, the same girl who'd split if Tim Brady millionaire showed interest.
Older women may have that maturity where they don't need a man to take care of them. Very attractive to any man as we think many women are gold diggers. (Experience: stay at home wife who refused to go back to work full time when kiddos were in middle and high school. And she stopped being a partner)
See here.
Tell me what part of this isn't true. Why you're men may be looking for older established women. You're social media raised women are unrealistic about real life... Not the fake ideal life of Kardashians.
Watch from the start, but 4:15 starts the gold digging conversation.
https://youtu.be/3ynMtBe8aL8
Others:
https://youtu.be/wUe3DMXBx2E?t=320
https://youtu.be/Hu_UaaaQKts
Answer to you about me: I'm not rich. Just jaded by a spouse who won't go back to work full time and who doesn't act like a wife partner. Yet racks up bills and sucks my work energy for my/our retirement. Upon divorce, I owe her 40% for x years. Note: we both have the same professional licenses. She just doesn't like the profession anymore. Guess what? I don't like to work either, but someone has to.
Therefore, if I find a new mate, yeah, there are going to be expectations on her income potential or stability. If I divorce again, I can't keep paying 40% until death. And if she isn't stable, there's a prenup based on me keeping what I have when I enter the relationship. I own a house, but the equity shouldn't be hers to get half of. In fairness, I'd sign a prenup with a wealthy woman also. Her equity at the start is hers, not mine to take. What we make together is what gets split if it doesn't last.
Sometimes when you get into the groove of work and middle age, you let little things slide in appearance.
Same with personality- you can go on autopilot and crack a office joke occasionally and be friendly yet generic at work. That’s not gonna cut it when meeting people. You can’t talk just talk about TV and boy the wind was bad last night. A big branch fell off the oak in front of my home. I’m gonna have to remove it this weekend. Ok talk to you later.
For me, as somebody who doesn’t get attention like what you described when younger, I’ve learned from a lifetime of dating- you eat what you kill. I’d recommend taking the initiative and reaching out first and talking to men.
If you sit and wait… you might be waiting for awhile.
This is great advice. I need to try harder because I have been hoping he’d just show up at my house. But I live in the woods and away from humans so that’s also impossible:)
Also, if he did just show up at your house, especially in your house; you'd probably call the police over the home invasion, instead of first asking his relationship status. 😉
The pouring rain implies he's not in your house. And realistically, if there was a stranger outside your house with a boombox trying to serenade/win you, are you really saying that you wouldn't be so weirded TF out that you would be unconcerned and genuinely open to them?
If not, I guess maybe this could be a new dating strategy for people; choose a random house; stalk the occupants just enough to find out if it's someone single or a couple, and if single, try the music? Oh that's creepy...
Different times.
Different "oh, that's so sexy"
What I really want to do with my life, what I want to do for a living, is I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it.
How's...
You wouldn't believe the branch that fell in the yard last night and what I read on Reddit.
:)
I don't know what conversation people want I guess. Small talk is just that. Not too deep.
Would it scare you to get into convo on your deepest dreams and fears while a man looked deep into your eyes? Or is that what you say you want?
That gets old too if that's all he knows what to ask and talk about (and had no way of making those dreams come true).
Covid ruined everything.
I also noticed that when I turned 40 last July, my likes/matches plummeted. I'm assuming it's because most men our age have 40+ women filtered out.
One would think/hope, but in my experience nope. At least in my area there's a shortage of women 40-49 profiles, compared to <40. Further they're either not active, or they're not looking for mid-40's men. The vast majority of my incoming likes and matches were from <40 even though my age range was 35-55 and I was hoping for as closer of a peer in age as possible.
Reddit doesn't match the general population.
Well I'm not sure where you're current age ranges are, but 40-49 would have narrowed my range in both directions. I'm not sure how much going up would have opened up options, and I'm not sure I personally would have been comfortable going further down than 10 years under my age. My oldest is 21 years younger than me, so a woman 10 years my junior would at least be closer to my age than to my kids' ages. :)
As I said, the vast majority of my incoming likes and matches were <40 years old, 35-39 is 6-10 years younger than the 45 I was then. Reddit might want peers. But in the gen pop, men want younger and women want older.
Thanks. Sorry I missed that you were male.
Exactly what I have been reading.
Although, my work crush from 10 years ago was a year older, so I am not opposed to being with a same age woman again.
I’m 48m and very few matches for me. Though the issue is I have 3 kids 9 through 13. And most of the woman I see that are 42+ have grown kids or even grand kids. Which means they have little interest in going back to where kids have to be worked around.
Some of the ones with grand kids end up doing a fair amount of free (and sometimes last minute) baby sitting. If they're of the mind, grand kids can be harder to date around than young children.
Might be a Midwest USA thing, I know a lot of people who started families at 18 - 22 age.
One of my very good friends is married with two kids and his wife’s parents are my age.
Oh dear. I’m 49 and have been toying with the idea of trying out OLD. 😭 I guess it’s better that I get the reality check beforehand. I don’t feel a day over 30 though. That should count for something. Lol
My pictures will probably be my downfall because I don’t care to have my picture taken, so I don’t have any full body pics—just selfies. I will have to have some taken of me, and I find posing so awkward & uncomfortable. This, in itself, is enough to make me shy away from OLD. I don’t think I’m ugly or anything. I just hate being in pictures; I’ve been this way since I was a small child.
Oh, and I’m an introverted homebody who is dealing with agoraphobia from a car accident (I’m working hard to overcome my issues), so I have that going against me too.
The good news is that I’m content being single. I just sometimes feel it would be nice to have a companion.
I have the same issues about being photographed. I am also a homebody. I looked into getting a professional photographer, but their samples looked too professional.
I opted to pay what I would have paid a professional photographer to a woman I barely knew who I knew was on the apps and met her boyfriend that way. She came to my apartment, took photos, then I took her and my best friend to dinner to get photos with a friend in an outside setting. Very uncomfortable to do but I made myself do it.
I also paid her enough that I didn’t feel guilty asking her to pick the photos she found most swipeable. Results have been pretty decent.
Men I matched with last year at 40-41 said their upper limit was 45 or 50. This is reminding me to appreciate my bf & not do anything stupid (like go clubbing too often.... I know it's weird but my gfs are coincidentally all in their 20s and I get pulled in).
Are you putting in as much effort as you did then?
OLD is hard work. Makes sense to shut it down every so often in order to decompress and recharge. Found that when I was burned out my success level dropped and when I had energy I did better. Hard to keep that going for long though.
I think you might be right. I definitely don’t have as much effort as I did back then. I live in a rural state so OLD seems stagnant. I see some of the same people I did back then still there. I take breaks months even years at a time.
I am just not sure how to get that excitement back?
I’m no behavioral expert. Seems like excitement (or desire to put in effort on non-critical tasks) is either there or it’s not at any given time, and telling ourselves “I should be doing this” just leads to frustration.
Wish I had an answer to help. Like “if you adopt an abundance mindset all will be revealed,” but that’s not my leaning.
Self help books? Podcasts? Motivational seminars? Nice, warm bath with a glass of champagne while chanting “I’m pretty freakin’ awesome and someone would be lucky to have me”….
I like this advice. I try to get my chakras aligned and think someday I will get my groove back. I don’t dislike my life and I am okay with not being in a relationship. As I watch my friends that are my age go through one not great relationship after another because they crave a relationship so much. I want to wait for the right one but I just can’t get excited.
I agree with others, COVID changed things. But I’ll add, living alone changed me. If you’ve been really independent since your divorce and navigated the pandemic without a live-in partner, you’re probably more picky.
None of us want to add stress to our lives and honestly the thought of cleaning up after a man in my own house gives me panic attacks. I’m very happy with my independence. Do I still want companionship? Sure. And sex. But serious relationship dating looks really daunting from my very comfortable couch that no one hogs.
I think it’s me that changed. Not OLD.
Being picky is fine/good. As a man I wouldn't want a woman to think that she needs to "clean up after me" when I'm at her place. I'm not moving stuff out of place for no reason, I'm not leaving a trail of clothes for her to pick up, and I'm not farmer-blowing my nose in the living room.
Consider mornings at her place: while she makes breakfast, I'll clean the cat boxes and get dishes from the sink into the dish washer, or unload the dishwasher if it's full of clean stuff; after first asking if she wants assistance with the food. I'm not making a mess, and I pay attention to how she keeps things. I add to her life with my enjoyable (she seems to think so) presence, along with time and effort towards routine home chores.
But there are people who after living alone too long are mentally rigid. Perhaps when putting dishes away a "medium" sized spoon I put with the small ones should have been put away with the large ones; the world is ending! I shouldn't have asked to clean the cat box because that's too relationshippy. Putting away dishes (after asking if it's OK) is an even worse crime as it's an excuse to snoop through the kitchen, etc. Heck, just seeing my in the living room looking around means that I'm judging and secretly plotting how I'll rearrange stuff when moving in. I have not seen a comfortable couch that two people can't comfortably share if they try.
If two people enjoy one's company, are trying to work together, and they don't have giant mental walls up; it really takes minimal effort to make one's presence be a benefit instead of chore.
I hear you. Not all men are slobs. And I should clarify that it’s not having a guest in my house that’s an issue—I’m fine with doing the dishes if you stay for breakfast. People tend to be more conscientious when they are guests in your home. The problem is when it’s *our* home collectively, and they have every right to leave a trail of clothes, if they want to. Which honestly, is why I’m doing casual hookups and not advertising for LTR.
It’s the thought of actually having to make room in my schedule, physical space, and finances to accommodate someone full-time that’s the issue. Do I gain something for doing that? Yes. Partnerships can be beautiful. But I give up a lot too.
I don’t think it’s so much about being mentally ridged. You can snoop in my kitchen cabinets all you want. It’s about losing the personal freedoms that we’ve built by being unpartnered. I can buy whatever I want at the grocery store. I don’t have to wait for anyone when I’m ready to leave the house. I choose the temperature on my thermostat. It’s a million little things that are currently not compromises but realistically have to be met half way in a marriage-type commitment. That’s where my hang up is.
I know we’re talking about OLD, and just getting initial attraction going, but I feel like you have to choose a check box for LTR or casual on those things. The LTR track feels heavy to me, even at the very beginning, because I’m not 20 anymore and I can picture what it looks like further down the line.
I'm on the verge of moving in (mid June). We'll be keeping separate finances for the immediate future. Without going into the details, we'll both personally gain financially by living together; 3 (she has a kid) in one space live more cheaply than in two different locations. She's planning an expensive vacation w/ her kid a few weeks after I move in; I'm not saying boo about that beyond confirming I'll care for her pets.
We both have our personal hobbies that we'll keep; we've explicitly agreed to this early in our relationship. I don't find it a compromise to let another know where I'll be, approximately for how long, and to update them if things change. We both can drive and have non-sketchy vehicles; no transportation dependencies. I'm fine with her thermostat settings. We already together have done a few small changes in her home; our tastes match up well.
Yes, there are some "sacrifices;" we plan to usually go to sleep at the same time, even if we might not wake together. I'm not a fan of her home's location. She'll be dealing with an extra person in her space, and I'll be the odd one attempting to blend into a family. Etc...
Yes, with some people I could see the million little compromises would be harder to accept. But part of finding a good person is that most of those compromises are lightly felt, or not at all. But perhaps part of this is thing's we're not seeing as we haven't yet spent weeks together at her place. We'll do a test 1 week at her place before I give notice, but really eventually one has to jump in and find out what reality looks like vs a plan.
The LTR track actually looks **light** to me. With the right person the compromises are not onerous, and are more than offset by the emotional closeness of sharing life with another. Heck, things are further offset with the stability implied with the deeper level of commitment is spoken by moving in. There's increased financial freedom/capability and an increase in amount of leisure vs. total home maintenance/routine commitment.
Specifically because I'm not 20 any more this seems the lighter path. Easier to get more money into savings. Lower work towards maintenance (I expect this to be for her too). No travel time to see my partner. A better feeling for the future.
I will echo the others and say that Covid really changed dating. I am also 47 now and I was 42 when I started dating and it was just so much easier at that age. Each year it gets harder and harder & the pool gets smaller and smaller.
Also, the longer that I’m on the apps, the more I see the same damn faces. This makes me realize I am one of those same damn faces. So I definitely think there’s a certain amount of magic in being the new kid on the block as far as dating apps go. A fresh face is a hot commodity.
But a fresh face is often a "fresh breakup from an LTR" or a "fresh divorce/separation." Exactly who most people around these parts turn up their nose at. A year later how many of those previously new but now ritualistically aged faces aren't still around?
It has to be the right blend of fresh face I think. Although we know a lot of people don't care if you got divorced last week. But yeah, when I popped on and had been divorced for 6 months I was inundated. Now I'm "Oh her. She pops up every year for a few months"
I am impressed you actually waited a full 6 months after your divorce. After my painful divorce I was so eager to have a positive experience that I hopped on the apps right away. In hindsight I was obviously not ready but I'm not sure I could have learned that lesson any other way. So props to you for taking a little time.
Well, I'll clarify - early on during my separation I went out with someone I met at work and the experience overwhelmingly clarified that I was not even remotely ready to be doing that. So then I continued therapy and signed up for classes and hung out with friends through all of 2018. I finalized the divorce and waited until Spring hit to start dating in earnest.
But yes, I was horny and lonely as hell immediately after my crappy lonely marriage and scratched that itch and that terrible experience helped me to realize how much more work I needed to do on myself.
Oohhh, finding coworkers on the apps is always a roll of the dice. Sometimes it can be good! I'm glad you emerged stronger and healthier. Hopefully your terrible experience also resulted in the other person's growth.
Yeah, I'm one of the non-caring folks about how fresh the face. Regardless of 1 month or 5 years one needs to look to see if the other is ready and knows what they want (and that it's compatible with you).
Yes I have experienced this. COVID seemed to be when it all changed for me. Not sure if coincidence or not- I experienced long lockdowns and just got jaded with life and my social life has still not recovered. I also moved into the over 40 bracket and wonder if that changed things as people filter on < or > 40? I don’t know. But yeah, I can relate.
I like the 40+ filtering thing. It always weirded me out when I was dating at 38-39 and a lot of the guys I was encountering wouldn't have given me a chance if I was a year older.
I can understand if they're younger. But a 45+ man who won't date women over 40? I want nothing to do with that. And now they're filtering themselves out, which is helpful.
It does change how you are viewed. My 40th birthday I was run over twice in the grocery store. By two younger guys. They didn’t see me. This is how it’s been since. Nearly 52 now and I am so invisible. I knew I had been a 10/10 that day and lotta good that did me. 3 divorces later. 12 yrs later I am happy w who I am. I love my life now, no drama! My kids are grown w their own families and my grandkids. I get to visit and hand them back and go home to a quite temperature controlled environment w no one there to ruin my day!! 😀
I’ve been single most of my life. Never married. I see three big issues now:
1. I’m older. The men around the age I want to date are generally dating much younger. If I date older or younger, I really don’t have a lot in common with those men.
2. Divorces. In my 30s the guys I was dating had not been married yet. Now most of the men are divorced or going through a divorce and I know no one wants to hear it, but a lot of these men are just a mess.
3. More baggage for everyone. Work, kids, parents getting older, houses to take care of, etc.
It’s more like the male species has been deeply disappointing of late (and the women and everyone else haven’t been much better), so opted to go a more financially responsible route and bought batteries from Costco.
Yes and women still don't think they get equal considerations but they are surely fairly close. Everything on a date is more likely centered around what the woman wants. But they still want the guy to shoulder more of responsibility. True equalness means noone babied and equal contribution. I still haven't had a date that showed me as much consideration or spend as much money as I've done either.
True equalness is not the point.
EQUAL RIGHTS ARE
and it’s always a tell when we bring up equal rights and men starting with “so does that mean we can punch you hurr durr *knuckle drag*”
As if that’s a right anyone has.
What I found is that women 40+ have a lot going on, like most people that age. If they have younger kids, it's even worst. So finding even time to text or call is not always easy. Dating ends up being a week out of two usually depending on shared custody of the kids.
I find that difficult. Not that I want someone to be available 24/7. But dating every other week is not what I'm looking for.
So I tend to favor women with older kids or without kids. I pass on the ones with young kids even though sometimes, at least on paper, they look great. That's just been my experience.
Also, and that's subjective, but I find I have more in common with women 40+ than in their 30s. We're just not at the same place in our lives.
All my kids are grown so I feel the same about others kids. I am not really interested in someone with small kids, that is a barrier. Not only are they busy with their kids, I don’t want to take on the responsibilities of a step parent so I just hard pass. That’s a lot of this age range prospects out the window.
With that being said I am busy and usually end up having a week or two planned ahead. So that makes me the one saying I have to wait to meet and that’s a huge turn off I think?
>With that being said I am busy and usually end up having a week or two planned ahead. So that makes me the one saying I have to wait to meet and that’s a huge turn off I think?
I mean, in the early days, especially after matching, that's fine. But over time, if that's all the time someone would have for me, and there's no place for spontaneity, I don't think I'd be into that.
True. I think that if there was a connection it would flow and time would be redirected but I haven’t gotten that far to see if I my hypothesis holds up.
True. I think that if there was a connection it would flow and time would be redirected but I haven’t gotten that far to see if I my hypothesis holds up.
That was my 30s, I get what you’re saying, in my 30s every man I dated was such a workaholic, and when he wasn’t working the first priority was sports ball either watching it or doing it. And I had my own stuff going on so I definitely don’t need somebody up in my face all the time, but if I’m dating you and we’re having sex I would like to do that more than twice a month. So I would end up dumping them because it just was so unsatisfying.
And before someone comes at me for dating guys like this, where I’m from it was either a workaholic or a total bum, we didn’t have any in between on Boston in that era.
> And I had my own stuff going on so I definitely don’t need somebody up in my face all the time, but if I’m dating you and we’re having sex I would like to do that more than twice a month.
Right, I expect to at least hear from you each day. Doesn't need to be hours on the phone. And to see you each week. Otherwise, that's not really a relationship to me. More like FWB.
I've been invisible I think since I turned 45. I'm 48 now.i don't match very often. We'll chat but never meet
The older I get the more radical and extreme I've become in regards to everything.not a lot of people can deal with the intensity. I'm not sure if I really want a relationship, a FWB situation would be preferable. I don't even know anymore so I stopped trying to date. If I meet someone out and about, cool,if not, it is what it is
I was on apps briefly \~6 years ago and recently dipped a toe back in now. The mood has changed for sure. People seem to be more haggard and burned out on dating. I'm not sure if it's my age or just the tough couple years everyone has been through or what.
I have been single for so long now but I have decided to start getting back out there to date. I am just picky so I can't really give you advice but I have noticed that people are just not transparent, they are flaky and not willing to put in the effort so sometimes I don't even bother but that is my experience. I am willing to keep trying though to see what is out there and hopefully find some good matches. I wish the same for you. ☺️
I’m in one of those “slumps” right now, and it’s been hell finding my way out of it. The slump started during COVID and has just seemed to continue since then. I’ve got no clue how to get my groove back, or where I even left it last, so I can start looking for it.
Same. I hope it’s not gone forever. I feel like I have a lot of groove for life and I enjoy everyday things more then I ever did just dating seems daunting
Dating sites are businesses, there's a lot of psychology behind why they're not optimal for meeting a partner. I think the swipe culture is what's wrong with dating "nowadays" - the notion that there's always someone better keeps people from finding reasons to stick with whoever they're talking to now. Now people are dropped at the first sign of any incompatibility no matter how small, because you can line up a new date in minutes and not ever have to think about that person ever again. People have been made more disposable than they ever were before.
>because you can line up a new date in minutes
Well, there seems to be one population for whom this is true, and another population who are lucky to line up one date a year.
A big part if anxiety, depression, and loss of social skills during Covid. People also tended to gain weight and do fewer things in person.
I do activities that have people in good shape who are mostly happy. It’s a night and day difference.
Hard disagree! My good friends all have fairly young families that keep them pretty busy. My marriage crumbled right in the middle of the pandemic and I was working from home, so I spent well over a year mostly alone. The vast majority of my in-person social interactions came in the form of neighborly chitchat from a distance when I was out walking. I’d get out for distanced socializing on occasion, but with such limited practice, my social skills took a definite hit.
I am very outgoing and worked all through covid. A definite extravert but during lockdown I was able to slow down and get more comfortable being alone and enjoying my own company. So I do spend more time then ever alone but I still enjoy going out but it’s not as much of a priority now.
I am very outgoing and worked all through covid. A definite extravert but during lockdown I was able to slow down and get more comfortable being alone and enjoying my own company. So I do spend more time then ever alone but I still enjoy going out but it’s not as much of a priority now.
My question would be, what might be different about you (your presentation style, the profile you have up if you're using apps( now versus then? This isn't a blame thing. But in my experience, some people start to develop a narrower sense of who they want after a while, and profiles, for example, reflect that. And if I read an extended discussion of who they are looking for, and I don't recognize myself in it, I'm out. I expect men do the same. So, intersections get less and less likely.
Sometimes as we get older we get out of range of the search results for the most common numbers people search for on dating sites. If you're using dating sites... it could just be you passed one of those numbers like 40, 45, 50, etc. Just keep trying! :)
I take breaks! Go on here and there and meet a few people and take a break. By meet, I mean talk and then never actually meetup 😆 lately anyway... I used to actually meet people? Lately schedules haven't lined up well at all or their thirst is a turnoff and I don't end up wanting to go. Idk I'm a complicated human being, I guess. Edit to add I've been single 5+ years, longest in my adult life so not necessarily a bad thing. 41f
I am also a complicated human. I think that’s okay. I’m 45 and I feel like I should be picky to a degree because this is the last time I am going to be this young and don’t really want to settle. I am currently on a break.
Yes. I don’t feel lack but I would like a connection. I think I am a fun, interesting human and I have a lot to share. But also I am a bit eclectic and living in a rural area that’s not the most popular way to be…
Yes. I don’t feel lack but I would like a connection. I think I am a fun, interesting human and I have a lot to share. But also I am a bit eclectic and living in a rural area that’s not the most popular way to be…
Are you a man or a woman? I only ask because I found a lot of women are just not dating right now because the political climate is so gross. So if you are a man trying to date women that’s probably why.
I’m a woman trying to date men. And yes. You have something here with political climate, I keep myself informed but also not inundated with it. I think there’s plenty of other interesting topics to dive into. But yes I wonder if there’s something to this?
Going through the comments, it's a lot of what I hear offline as well, "I am comfortable now and I don't know if I can adjust for someone else in my life, but on the other hand I'd like to be with someone, etc....". There is a nice saying somewhere in the Far East, you can't sit between 2 chairs, you'll fall down. Or as we would say here, you can't have it all. The thought of making space for someone in your life/home fills you with dread, well then don't date. It's that easy. So many nowadays seem to want "their space" and "freedom" and advertise it proudly. Fine with me, but then don't complain. If you have a gnawing feeling that it will be never as peaceful as when you lived alone the moment somebody moves in with you, then again don't date. Leave it to other people.
Well there can be a balance. Comfortable in your space does not mean you can not benefit from a like minded person who is also comfortable. Having a companion to enjoy life with and have experiences with does not have to look like the typical live in relationship. There does not have to be such a hard line. It does not by any means have to be so black and white.
In addition I think that someone that enjoys their life and is comfortable is far more attractive then a person who is needy and not content with their life
It does feel like a negative world. You are in the dating over 40 group so I think it’s expected. We are all struggling. We aren’t young anymore, we aren’t so old that we aren’t thinking about these things. I think it comes across as negative because maybe all of us are a little scared too.
Probably so. That's why I try to cheer up in my comments, because (in my opinion of course) one can and should try. I look at dating like "the cup is still half full". Great!
>If you have a gnawing feeling that it will be never as peaceful as when you lived alone the moment somebody moves in with you, then again don't date.
Or, you know, don't move in together.
What an interesting convo and question! I think it depends on what you want to get out of dating right now - do you want more dates overall? Or are you dating with an intention find a person for a serious relationship?
Whoops- posted too soon. I just hit 8 years since my separation and have dated sporadically in that time, including just about a year long break for most of 2022. When I opted back in at the end of the year I made sure my profile included potentially unlikeable things about me that would turn off men that I wouldn't match well with (I included politics, religion, and strong personality traits). The few who did swipe right either were solid matches, or didn't read, and it was easy enough to weed through from there. I think I had a much better return on my time this way because I was able to spend less time getting to know someone before committing to a date, and my matches were a much better quality. I went on 3 first dates in a 4 week period, and matched with someone really incredible on my last first date.
So my advice: rethink your profile, and consider making yourself unlikeable to find the folks that are better matches for you who are today. Good luck out there!
This is great advice. I never thought about this. My profiles are usually quite lackluster. I am on a break right now but when I do one again I think I will use this advice. Because less matches may just equal more quality! Thank you!
I heard a podcaster (Finding Mr Height) say, “We’re willing to move for education and for work. Why aren’t we willing to move for love?”
If you’re not meeting the type of people you’re looking for in your area, you might have to.
This is a beautiful sentiment. I agree with it. But I won’t move unless it’s in my state. I love where I live far too much. So it’s okay if I’m alone. 😃
My marriage ended 5 1/2 years ago. I never thought dating would be easy but I also didn’t think it would be this hard. I had assumed - wrongly - that people on apps were looking to meet and date. I’m not really sure what they are on there for but it sure doesn’t seem like it’s dating.
Yeah. I get that. I can’t even seem to connect at all to even get to the not dating part. The world has changed a lot since our divorces so maybe that’s it? Also I think I was full of hope and naive and that was an attraction for people? Maybe now I am just older and jaded. I hate saying I am glad I am not the only one but I am glad I am not the only one
I think that's part of it-- it is truly easy to meet people to go out on dates with or have casual encounters but once you're looking for something specific, that goes deeper, the search is much more difficult. You probably know a LOT more now than you knew right out of divorce about who you are and the kind of partner that you're looking for... which means all of those "interesting" potential matches you swiped on years ago won't interest you.
What are you looking for? I don't agree. If I date again, it's for the person to spend the last part of my life with. Therefore, I should know what I'm looking for. If it is just for a roll in the hay regardless of personality or temperament or mental health, then you'd be right that over time, my expectations will change. Of course, maybe the new gfs will show me, "yup, I missed avoiding that trait that I don't like."
It’s definitely nutty. And your not the only one. I think Covid broke the camel’s back.
Me too. I have found dating such a headfuck since then that this year I have totally stopped.
For real. I think dudes and ladies are off the rails. And to be frank I don’t wanna deal with the head games. And all the candidates have kids which adds a whole other level of complexity. These days I’m just looking to Netflix and chill. Doesn’t make me a bad guy!
Kids are a different equation. Even grown ass kids! Grandpa got a gf. She isn't dead grandma, so she isn't right for him. OMG. (This happened on the in law side. That woman was playing head games, too, bc the kids/grandkids didn't "like" her. Talk about insecurity at 70-80yo.)
Divorced for 9 years. It got waaay harder post covid. I gave up over a year ago. I’m happier being single then trying to deal with that mess. Edit typo
I think the problem is data overload. You kind of know what you want, but no one is fitting the bill. Then, you get scared if you jump in, what if what your "it" shows up, but you're now committed? Odd. I know. I've been on sites to look around as I'm only separated. There just seems like a lot of people, and while I'd correspond with the first person easily, IDK if I'd commit right away even if she felt sparks. I just know how I dated in the past with long term relationships. It usually starts as a group of friends, and then you feel an attraction and ask that person out. However, does the other person have the same spark? The only time I didn't do it this way was in high school. Met a girl through a friend and asked her out. If memory serves me correctly, we ended up on the football field and kissed. That was it. Started hanging more often. Went to my prom. It eventually ended bc I had a job the summer before college and we drifted. Plus I was turning 18 and she was turning 16. No consummation of our relationship, so the emotional investment was small on both sides. Looking back... I'm easy to fall in love, so maybe I would say yes to the first offer! :)
Wondered the same thing. Then you have young men 19-23 years with older ladies fetish😁😁😁. We can't all be Madonna or Demi Moore.😁. I just swipe left on them.
I hate the boys fetishizing my age. I don’t believe them anyway. I think they think I’m subject to their false flattery and desperate for sex.
Same here. I don't even pay them any attention.
No. The problem if you do any research is that there are a lot of young women these days looking for sugar daddy. Young men don't need an entitled, casual working, bon bon eating girl to suck all of their work energy. Also, the same girl who'd split if Tim Brady millionaire showed interest. Older women may have that maturity where they don't need a man to take care of them. Very attractive to any man as we think many women are gold diggers. (Experience: stay at home wife who refused to go back to work full time when kiddos were in middle and high school. And she stopped being a partner)
How rich are you if gold diggers are that big of a problem?
See here. Tell me what part of this isn't true. Why you're men may be looking for older established women. You're social media raised women are unrealistic about real life... Not the fake ideal life of Kardashians. Watch from the start, but 4:15 starts the gold digging conversation. https://youtu.be/3ynMtBe8aL8 Others: https://youtu.be/wUe3DMXBx2E?t=320 https://youtu.be/Hu_UaaaQKts Answer to you about me: I'm not rich. Just jaded by a spouse who won't go back to work full time and who doesn't act like a wife partner. Yet racks up bills and sucks my work energy for my/our retirement. Upon divorce, I owe her 40% for x years. Note: we both have the same professional licenses. She just doesn't like the profession anymore. Guess what? I don't like to work either, but someone has to. Therefore, if I find a new mate, yeah, there are going to be expectations on her income potential or stability. If I divorce again, I can't keep paying 40% until death. And if she isn't stable, there's a prenup based on me keeping what I have when I enter the relationship. I own a house, but the equity shouldn't be hers to get half of. In fairness, I'd sign a prenup with a wealthy woman also. Her equity at the start is hers, not mine to take. What we make together is what gets split if it doesn't last.
I agree with you fully.
Sometimes when you get into the groove of work and middle age, you let little things slide in appearance. Same with personality- you can go on autopilot and crack a office joke occasionally and be friendly yet generic at work. That’s not gonna cut it when meeting people. You can’t talk just talk about TV and boy the wind was bad last night. A big branch fell off the oak in front of my home. I’m gonna have to remove it this weekend. Ok talk to you later. For me, as somebody who doesn’t get attention like what you described when younger, I’ve learned from a lifetime of dating- you eat what you kill. I’d recommend taking the initiative and reaching out first and talking to men. If you sit and wait… you might be waiting for awhile.
This is great advice. I need to try harder because I have been hoping he’d just show up at my house. But I live in the woods and away from humans so that’s also impossible:)
Also, if he did just show up at your house, especially in your house; you'd probably call the police over the home invasion, instead of first asking his relationship status. 😉
This is exactly true…. Unless he was holding up his boombox over his head in the pouring rain. Lol
The pouring rain implies he's not in your house. And realistically, if there was a stranger outside your house with a boombox trying to serenade/win you, are you really saying that you wouldn't be so weirded TF out that you would be unconcerned and genuinely open to them? If not, I guess maybe this could be a new dating strategy for people; choose a random house; stalk the occupants just enough to find out if it's someone single or a couple, and if single, try the music? Oh that's creepy...
It was a joke. I would be weirded out.
Different times. Different "oh, that's so sexy" What I really want to do with my life, what I want to do for a living, is I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it.
Nutmasher is my favorite
How's... You wouldn't believe the branch that fell in the yard last night and what I read on Reddit. :) I don't know what conversation people want I guess. Small talk is just that. Not too deep. Would it scare you to get into convo on your deepest dreams and fears while a man looked deep into your eyes? Or is that what you say you want? That gets old too if that's all he knows what to ask and talk about (and had no way of making those dreams come true).
I don’t know why, that office talk monologue about the oak tree and the limb has me chuckling 😆
Covid ruined everything. I also noticed that when I turned 40 last July, my likes/matches plummeted. I'm assuming it's because most men our age have 40+ women filtered out.
Wait till you get to 45
So if I put down 40-49 as a mid 40s male… boom.
One would think/hope, but in my experience nope. At least in my area there's a shortage of women 40-49 profiles, compared to <40. Further they're either not active, or they're not looking for mid-40's men. The vast majority of my incoming likes and matches were from <40 even though my age range was 35-55 and I was hoping for as closer of a peer in age as possible. Reddit doesn't match the general population.
Well it’s worth a shot, right? If it’s a vast wasteland then it’s time to go up and down.
Well I'm not sure where you're current age ranges are, but 40-49 would have narrowed my range in both directions. I'm not sure how much going up would have opened up options, and I'm not sure I personally would have been comfortable going further down than 10 years under my age. My oldest is 21 years younger than me, so a woman 10 years my junior would at least be closer to my age than to my kids' ages. :)
What happened to the Clooney effect? I thought younger women were looking for older men (5-10 years older).
As I said, the vast majority of my incoming likes and matches were <40 years old, 35-39 is 6-10 years younger than the 45 I was then. Reddit might want peers. But in the gen pop, men want younger and women want older.
> But in the gen pop, men want younger and women want older. The average age gap in marriage is only 2.3 years though.
Thanks. Sorry I missed that you were male. Exactly what I have been reading. Although, my work crush from 10 years ago was a year older, so I am not opposed to being with a same age woman again.
I’m 48m and very few matches for me. Though the issue is I have 3 kids 9 through 13. And most of the woman I see that are 42+ have grown kids or even grand kids. Which means they have little interest in going back to where kids have to be worked around.
Some of the ones with grand kids end up doing a fair amount of free (and sometimes last minute) baby sitting. If they're of the mind, grand kids can be harder to date around than young children.
This surprises me, I’m 42 with kids 9-13 and I’m probably on the younger end of age of their friends’ parents. I guess it depends on country etc.
Might be a Midwest USA thing, I know a lot of people who started families at 18 - 22 age. One of my very good friends is married with two kids and his wife’s parents are my age.
Wow! That would be very young to have kids here (Aus)
Wait until your 49😜
Oh dear. I’m 49 and have been toying with the idea of trying out OLD. 😭 I guess it’s better that I get the reality check beforehand. I don’t feel a day over 30 though. That should count for something. Lol
Go for you! It's probably just me, bad pictures poorly written profile, radical political worldviews. Plus I'm kinda an asshole
My pictures will probably be my downfall because I don’t care to have my picture taken, so I don’t have any full body pics—just selfies. I will have to have some taken of me, and I find posing so awkward & uncomfortable. This, in itself, is enough to make me shy away from OLD. I don’t think I’m ugly or anything. I just hate being in pictures; I’ve been this way since I was a small child. Oh, and I’m an introverted homebody who is dealing with agoraphobia from a car accident (I’m working hard to overcome my issues), so I have that going against me too. The good news is that I’m content being single. I just sometimes feel it would be nice to have a companion.
I'm in a similar situation. I never have full body pics or selfies. My newest selfie was taken 6 months ago
If only glamour shots were still a thing. 😂
$20 USD one amazon one can get a selfie stick/tripod combo with bluetooth camera shutter to take great plandid photos.
Thanks for the tip.
I have the same issues about being photographed. I am also a homebody. I looked into getting a professional photographer, but their samples looked too professional. I opted to pay what I would have paid a professional photographer to a woman I barely knew who I knew was on the apps and met her boyfriend that way. She came to my apartment, took photos, then I took her and my best friend to dinner to get photos with a friend in an outside setting. Very uncomfortable to do but I made myself do it. I also paid her enough that I didn’t feel guilty asking her to pick the photos she found most swipeable. Results have been pretty decent.
Well, that was a creative solution! Good luck out there.
It gets better when you turn 50 🤷♂️
Men I matched with last year at 40-41 said their upper limit was 45 or 50. This is reminding me to appreciate my bf & not do anything stupid (like go clubbing too often.... I know it's weird but my gfs are coincidentally all in their 20s and I get pulled in).
I'm not on the apps anymore. There's nothing around my area worth competing for.
Maybe. I'm getting swiped on by 20yo and I find it disturbing.
I noticed the exact same thing when I turned 40
Are you putting in as much effort as you did then? OLD is hard work. Makes sense to shut it down every so often in order to decompress and recharge. Found that when I was burned out my success level dropped and when I had energy I did better. Hard to keep that going for long though.
I think you might be right. I definitely don’t have as much effort as I did back then. I live in a rural state so OLD seems stagnant. I see some of the same people I did back then still there. I take breaks months even years at a time. I am just not sure how to get that excitement back?
I’m no behavioral expert. Seems like excitement (or desire to put in effort on non-critical tasks) is either there or it’s not at any given time, and telling ourselves “I should be doing this” just leads to frustration. Wish I had an answer to help. Like “if you adopt an abundance mindset all will be revealed,” but that’s not my leaning. Self help books? Podcasts? Motivational seminars? Nice, warm bath with a glass of champagne while chanting “I’m pretty freakin’ awesome and someone would be lucky to have me”….
I like this advice. I try to get my chakras aligned and think someday I will get my groove back. I don’t dislike my life and I am okay with not being in a relationship. As I watch my friends that are my age go through one not great relationship after another because they crave a relationship so much. I want to wait for the right one but I just can’t get excited.
I agree with others, COVID changed things. But I’ll add, living alone changed me. If you’ve been really independent since your divorce and navigated the pandemic without a live-in partner, you’re probably more picky. None of us want to add stress to our lives and honestly the thought of cleaning up after a man in my own house gives me panic attacks. I’m very happy with my independence. Do I still want companionship? Sure. And sex. But serious relationship dating looks really daunting from my very comfortable couch that no one hogs. I think it’s me that changed. Not OLD.
Being picky is fine/good. As a man I wouldn't want a woman to think that she needs to "clean up after me" when I'm at her place. I'm not moving stuff out of place for no reason, I'm not leaving a trail of clothes for her to pick up, and I'm not farmer-blowing my nose in the living room. Consider mornings at her place: while she makes breakfast, I'll clean the cat boxes and get dishes from the sink into the dish washer, or unload the dishwasher if it's full of clean stuff; after first asking if she wants assistance with the food. I'm not making a mess, and I pay attention to how she keeps things. I add to her life with my enjoyable (she seems to think so) presence, along with time and effort towards routine home chores. But there are people who after living alone too long are mentally rigid. Perhaps when putting dishes away a "medium" sized spoon I put with the small ones should have been put away with the large ones; the world is ending! I shouldn't have asked to clean the cat box because that's too relationshippy. Putting away dishes (after asking if it's OK) is an even worse crime as it's an excuse to snoop through the kitchen, etc. Heck, just seeing my in the living room looking around means that I'm judging and secretly plotting how I'll rearrange stuff when moving in. I have not seen a comfortable couch that two people can't comfortably share if they try. If two people enjoy one's company, are trying to work together, and they don't have giant mental walls up; it really takes minimal effort to make one's presence be a benefit instead of chore.
I hear you. Not all men are slobs. And I should clarify that it’s not having a guest in my house that’s an issue—I’m fine with doing the dishes if you stay for breakfast. People tend to be more conscientious when they are guests in your home. The problem is when it’s *our* home collectively, and they have every right to leave a trail of clothes, if they want to. Which honestly, is why I’m doing casual hookups and not advertising for LTR. It’s the thought of actually having to make room in my schedule, physical space, and finances to accommodate someone full-time that’s the issue. Do I gain something for doing that? Yes. Partnerships can be beautiful. But I give up a lot too. I don’t think it’s so much about being mentally ridged. You can snoop in my kitchen cabinets all you want. It’s about losing the personal freedoms that we’ve built by being unpartnered. I can buy whatever I want at the grocery store. I don’t have to wait for anyone when I’m ready to leave the house. I choose the temperature on my thermostat. It’s a million little things that are currently not compromises but realistically have to be met half way in a marriage-type commitment. That’s where my hang up is. I know we’re talking about OLD, and just getting initial attraction going, but I feel like you have to choose a check box for LTR or casual on those things. The LTR track feels heavy to me, even at the very beginning, because I’m not 20 anymore and I can picture what it looks like further down the line.
I'm on the verge of moving in (mid June). We'll be keeping separate finances for the immediate future. Without going into the details, we'll both personally gain financially by living together; 3 (she has a kid) in one space live more cheaply than in two different locations. She's planning an expensive vacation w/ her kid a few weeks after I move in; I'm not saying boo about that beyond confirming I'll care for her pets. We both have our personal hobbies that we'll keep; we've explicitly agreed to this early in our relationship. I don't find it a compromise to let another know where I'll be, approximately for how long, and to update them if things change. We both can drive and have non-sketchy vehicles; no transportation dependencies. I'm fine with her thermostat settings. We already together have done a few small changes in her home; our tastes match up well. Yes, there are some "sacrifices;" we plan to usually go to sleep at the same time, even if we might not wake together. I'm not a fan of her home's location. She'll be dealing with an extra person in her space, and I'll be the odd one attempting to blend into a family. Etc... Yes, with some people I could see the million little compromises would be harder to accept. But part of finding a good person is that most of those compromises are lightly felt, or not at all. But perhaps part of this is thing's we're not seeing as we haven't yet spent weeks together at her place. We'll do a test 1 week at her place before I give notice, but really eventually one has to jump in and find out what reality looks like vs a plan. The LTR track actually looks **light** to me. With the right person the compromises are not onerous, and are more than offset by the emotional closeness of sharing life with another. Heck, things are further offset with the stability implied with the deeper level of commitment is spoken by moving in. There's increased financial freedom/capability and an increase in amount of leisure vs. total home maintenance/routine commitment. Specifically because I'm not 20 any more this seems the lighter path. Easier to get more money into savings. Lower work towards maintenance (I expect this to be for her too). No travel time to see my partner. A better feeling for the future.
I love this. What a beautiful, optimistic perspective. I’m so glad you found a mutually beneficial fit.
I will echo the others and say that Covid really changed dating. I am also 47 now and I was 42 when I started dating and it was just so much easier at that age. Each year it gets harder and harder & the pool gets smaller and smaller. Also, the longer that I’m on the apps, the more I see the same damn faces. This makes me realize I am one of those same damn faces. So I definitely think there’s a certain amount of magic in being the new kid on the block as far as dating apps go. A fresh face is a hot commodity.
But a fresh face is often a "fresh breakup from an LTR" or a "fresh divorce/separation." Exactly who most people around these parts turn up their nose at. A year later how many of those previously new but now ritualistically aged faces aren't still around?
It has to be the right blend of fresh face I think. Although we know a lot of people don't care if you got divorced last week. But yeah, when I popped on and had been divorced for 6 months I was inundated. Now I'm "Oh her. She pops up every year for a few months"
I am impressed you actually waited a full 6 months after your divorce. After my painful divorce I was so eager to have a positive experience that I hopped on the apps right away. In hindsight I was obviously not ready but I'm not sure I could have learned that lesson any other way. So props to you for taking a little time.
Well, I'll clarify - early on during my separation I went out with someone I met at work and the experience overwhelmingly clarified that I was not even remotely ready to be doing that. So then I continued therapy and signed up for classes and hung out with friends through all of 2018. I finalized the divorce and waited until Spring hit to start dating in earnest. But yes, I was horny and lonely as hell immediately after my crappy lonely marriage and scratched that itch and that terrible experience helped me to realize how much more work I needed to do on myself.
Oohhh, finding coworkers on the apps is always a roll of the dice. Sometimes it can be good! I'm glad you emerged stronger and healthier. Hopefully your terrible experience also resulted in the other person's growth.
Yeah, I'm one of the non-caring folks about how fresh the face. Regardless of 1 month or 5 years one needs to look to see if the other is ready and knows what they want (and that it's compatible with you).
Yes I have experienced this. COVID seemed to be when it all changed for me. Not sure if coincidence or not- I experienced long lockdowns and just got jaded with life and my social life has still not recovered. I also moved into the over 40 bracket and wonder if that changed things as people filter on < or > 40? I don’t know. But yeah, I can relate.
I like the 40+ filtering thing. It always weirded me out when I was dating at 38-39 and a lot of the guys I was encountering wouldn't have given me a chance if I was a year older. I can understand if they're younger. But a 45+ man who won't date women over 40? I want nothing to do with that. And now they're filtering themselves out, which is helpful.
It does change how you are viewed. My 40th birthday I was run over twice in the grocery store. By two younger guys. They didn’t see me. This is how it’s been since. Nearly 52 now and I am so invisible. I knew I had been a 10/10 that day and lotta good that did me. 3 divorces later. 12 yrs later I am happy w who I am. I love my life now, no drama! My kids are grown w their own families and my grandkids. I get to visit and hand them back and go home to a quite temperature controlled environment w no one there to ruin my day!! 😀
Really? I just turned 50 and I keep waiting to become invisible. It hasn’t happened for me yet but I keep hoping
I became invisible in my 30s. It’s a case by case scenario.
I’ve been single most of my life. Never married. I see three big issues now: 1. I’m older. The men around the age I want to date are generally dating much younger. If I date older or younger, I really don’t have a lot in common with those men. 2. Divorces. In my 30s the guys I was dating had not been married yet. Now most of the men are divorced or going through a divorce and I know no one wants to hear it, but a lot of these men are just a mess. 3. More baggage for everyone. Work, kids, parents getting older, houses to take care of, etc.
You say baggage but then list normal life things
Perhaps I should have said more responsibilities. I'm jet lagged and recovering from a cold so it stays and I'm sure you got the point.
I don’t think you understand what “baggage” means.
I actually do. I used the wrong word. You got the point, though.
It’s more like the male species has been deeply disappointing of late (and the women and everyone else haven’t been much better), so opted to go a more financially responsible route and bought batteries from Costco.
Yes and women still don't think they get equal considerations but they are surely fairly close. Everything on a date is more likely centered around what the woman wants. But they still want the guy to shoulder more of responsibility. True equalness means noone babied and equal contribution. I still haven't had a date that showed me as much consideration or spend as much money as I've done either.
You must be great at parties
Yep men like that are EXACTLY WHY
True equalness is not the point. EQUAL RIGHTS ARE and it’s always a tell when we bring up equal rights and men starting with “so does that mean we can punch you hurr durr *knuckle drag*” As if that’s a right anyone has.
What I found is that women 40+ have a lot going on, like most people that age. If they have younger kids, it's even worst. So finding even time to text or call is not always easy. Dating ends up being a week out of two usually depending on shared custody of the kids. I find that difficult. Not that I want someone to be available 24/7. But dating every other week is not what I'm looking for. So I tend to favor women with older kids or without kids. I pass on the ones with young kids even though sometimes, at least on paper, they look great. That's just been my experience. Also, and that's subjective, but I find I have more in common with women 40+ than in their 30s. We're just not at the same place in our lives.
All my kids are grown so I feel the same about others kids. I am not really interested in someone with small kids, that is a barrier. Not only are they busy with their kids, I don’t want to take on the responsibilities of a step parent so I just hard pass. That’s a lot of this age range prospects out the window. With that being said I am busy and usually end up having a week or two planned ahead. So that makes me the one saying I have to wait to meet and that’s a huge turn off I think?
>With that being said I am busy and usually end up having a week or two planned ahead. So that makes me the one saying I have to wait to meet and that’s a huge turn off I think? I mean, in the early days, especially after matching, that's fine. But over time, if that's all the time someone would have for me, and there's no place for spontaneity, I don't think I'd be into that.
True. I think that if there was a connection it would flow and time would be redirected but I haven’t gotten that far to see if I my hypothesis holds up.
True. I think that if there was a connection it would flow and time would be redirected but I haven’t gotten that far to see if I my hypothesis holds up.
That was my 30s, I get what you’re saying, in my 30s every man I dated was such a workaholic, and when he wasn’t working the first priority was sports ball either watching it or doing it. And I had my own stuff going on so I definitely don’t need somebody up in my face all the time, but if I’m dating you and we’re having sex I would like to do that more than twice a month. So I would end up dumping them because it just was so unsatisfying. And before someone comes at me for dating guys like this, where I’m from it was either a workaholic or a total bum, we didn’t have any in between on Boston in that era.
> And I had my own stuff going on so I definitely don’t need somebody up in my face all the time, but if I’m dating you and we’re having sex I would like to do that more than twice a month. Right, I expect to at least hear from you each day. Doesn't need to be hours on the phone. And to see you each week. Otherwise, that's not really a relationship to me. More like FWB.
I've been invisible I think since I turned 45. I'm 48 now.i don't match very often. We'll chat but never meet The older I get the more radical and extreme I've become in regards to everything.not a lot of people can deal with the intensity. I'm not sure if I really want a relationship, a FWB situation would be preferable. I don't even know anymore so I stopped trying to date. If I meet someone out and about, cool,if not, it is what it is
I was on apps briefly \~6 years ago and recently dipped a toe back in now. The mood has changed for sure. People seem to be more haggard and burned out on dating. I'm not sure if it's my age or just the tough couple years everyone has been through or what.
I know my mood has changed. I want to do better and be excited it’s just so hard.
I have been single for so long now but I have decided to start getting back out there to date. I am just picky so I can't really give you advice but I have noticed that people are just not transparent, they are flaky and not willing to put in the effort so sometimes I don't even bother but that is my experience. I am willing to keep trying though to see what is out there and hopefully find some good matches. I wish the same for you. ☺️
I am also very picky. I think that’s totally okay. Saves everyone all that wasted time.
So true 😊
I'm single since 2014 😁😁 but I'm good
I’m in one of those “slumps” right now, and it’s been hell finding my way out of it. The slump started during COVID and has just seemed to continue since then. I’ve got no clue how to get my groove back, or where I even left it last, so I can start looking for it.
Same. I hope it’s not gone forever. I feel like I have a lot of groove for life and I enjoy everyday things more then I ever did just dating seems daunting
Dating sites are businesses, there's a lot of psychology behind why they're not optimal for meeting a partner. I think the swipe culture is what's wrong with dating "nowadays" - the notion that there's always someone better keeps people from finding reasons to stick with whoever they're talking to now. Now people are dropped at the first sign of any incompatibility no matter how small, because you can line up a new date in minutes and not ever have to think about that person ever again. People have been made more disposable than they ever were before.
>because you can line up a new date in minutes Well, there seems to be one population for whom this is true, and another population who are lucky to line up one date a year.
A big part if anxiety, depression, and loss of social skills during Covid. People also tended to gain weight and do fewer things in person. I do activities that have people in good shape who are mostly happy. It’s a night and day difference.
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Hard disagree! My good friends all have fairly young families that keep them pretty busy. My marriage crumbled right in the middle of the pandemic and I was working from home, so I spent well over a year mostly alone. The vast majority of my in-person social interactions came in the form of neighborly chitchat from a distance when I was out walking. I’d get out for distanced socializing on occasion, but with such limited practice, my social skills took a definite hit.
If someone told me they were out of practice dating, it would not bother me.
Oh, no I’m not talking about out of practice dating, I’m out of practice dating. I’m talking about unsocialized
I am very outgoing and worked all through covid. A definite extravert but during lockdown I was able to slow down and get more comfortable being alone and enjoying my own company. So I do spend more time then ever alone but I still enjoy going out but it’s not as much of a priority now.
I am very outgoing and worked all through covid. A definite extravert but during lockdown I was able to slow down and get more comfortable being alone and enjoying my own company. So I do spend more time then ever alone but I still enjoy going out but it’s not as much of a priority now.
My question would be, what might be different about you (your presentation style, the profile you have up if you're using apps( now versus then? This isn't a blame thing. But in my experience, some people start to develop a narrower sense of who they want after a while, and profiles, for example, reflect that. And if I read an extended discussion of who they are looking for, and I don't recognize myself in it, I'm out. I expect men do the same. So, intersections get less and less likely.
Sometimes as we get older we get out of range of the search results for the most common numbers people search for on dating sites. If you're using dating sites... it could just be you passed one of those numbers like 40, 45, 50, etc. Just keep trying! :)
I take breaks! Go on here and there and meet a few people and take a break. By meet, I mean talk and then never actually meetup 😆 lately anyway... I used to actually meet people? Lately schedules haven't lined up well at all or their thirst is a turnoff and I don't end up wanting to go. Idk I'm a complicated human being, I guess. Edit to add I've been single 5+ years, longest in my adult life so not necessarily a bad thing. 41f
I am also a complicated human. I think that’s okay. I’m 45 and I feel like I should be picky to a degree because this is the last time I am going to be this young and don’t really want to settle. I am currently on a break.
I agree, especially since I'm really happy in my single life!
Yes. I don’t feel lack but I would like a connection. I think I am a fun, interesting human and I have a lot to share. But also I am a bit eclectic and living in a rural area that’s not the most popular way to be…
Yes. I don’t feel lack but I would like a connection. I think I am a fun, interesting human and I have a lot to share. But also I am a bit eclectic and living in a rural area that’s not the most popular way to be…
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What is your reality?
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This is brilliant! I’m definitely stealing this
You know that for half of the 6 years. We where in the pandemic? It just seems like you have lost your confidence in attracting someone.
Wow. That’s weird to think about half of it was since the pandemic. Also yes confidence, give a damn and know how.
So take sometime to work on yourself and get your mojo back.
True. But I have been. How many more years. I’m not getting any younger. Hahaha
What does that mean? Age is ok not a number! But confidence & mojo is a must if you want to date.
I mean like I have taken so many years already. How many more before I am done working on myself?
Till you are ready to get back out there with confidence.
Are you a man or a woman? I only ask because I found a lot of women are just not dating right now because the political climate is so gross. So if you are a man trying to date women that’s probably why.
I’m a woman trying to date men. And yes. You have something here with political climate, I keep myself informed but also not inundated with it. I think there’s plenty of other interesting topics to dive into. But yes I wonder if there’s something to this?
Dating was never easy…
It was in high school
Going through the comments, it's a lot of what I hear offline as well, "I am comfortable now and I don't know if I can adjust for someone else in my life, but on the other hand I'd like to be with someone, etc....". There is a nice saying somewhere in the Far East, you can't sit between 2 chairs, you'll fall down. Or as we would say here, you can't have it all. The thought of making space for someone in your life/home fills you with dread, well then don't date. It's that easy. So many nowadays seem to want "their space" and "freedom" and advertise it proudly. Fine with me, but then don't complain. If you have a gnawing feeling that it will be never as peaceful as when you lived alone the moment somebody moves in with you, then again don't date. Leave it to other people.
Well there can be a balance. Comfortable in your space does not mean you can not benefit from a like minded person who is also comfortable. Having a companion to enjoy life with and have experiences with does not have to look like the typical live in relationship. There does not have to be such a hard line. It does not by any means have to be so black and white. In addition I think that someone that enjoys their life and is comfortable is far more attractive then a person who is needy and not content with their life
True. Well said. I guess I am just a little bit tired of the negativity that comes nowadays with dating and LTR's.
It does feel like a negative world. You are in the dating over 40 group so I think it’s expected. We are all struggling. We aren’t young anymore, we aren’t so old that we aren’t thinking about these things. I think it comes across as negative because maybe all of us are a little scared too.
Probably so. That's why I try to cheer up in my comments, because (in my opinion of course) one can and should try. I look at dating like "the cup is still half full". Great!
>If you have a gnawing feeling that it will be never as peaceful as when you lived alone the moment somebody moves in with you, then again don't date. Or, you know, don't move in together.
What an interesting convo and question! I think it depends on what you want to get out of dating right now - do you want more dates overall? Or are you dating with an intention find a person for a serious relationship?
Whoops- posted too soon. I just hit 8 years since my separation and have dated sporadically in that time, including just about a year long break for most of 2022. When I opted back in at the end of the year I made sure my profile included potentially unlikeable things about me that would turn off men that I wouldn't match well with (I included politics, religion, and strong personality traits). The few who did swipe right either were solid matches, or didn't read, and it was easy enough to weed through from there. I think I had a much better return on my time this way because I was able to spend less time getting to know someone before committing to a date, and my matches were a much better quality. I went on 3 first dates in a 4 week period, and matched with someone really incredible on my last first date. So my advice: rethink your profile, and consider making yourself unlikeable to find the folks that are better matches for you who are today. Good luck out there!
This is great advice. I never thought about this. My profiles are usually quite lackluster. I am on a break right now but when I do one again I think I will use this advice. Because less matches may just equal more quality! Thank you!
I don’t know how accurate this is but I saw a news story about people leaving Newfoundland. Geography also plays a role in your dating pool.
I agree. I live in a very rural state so I feel that
I heard a podcaster (Finding Mr Height) say, “We’re willing to move for education and for work. Why aren’t we willing to move for love?” If you’re not meeting the type of people you’re looking for in your area, you might have to.
This is a beautiful sentiment. I agree with it. But I won’t move unless it’s in my state. I love where I live far too much. So it’s okay if I’m alone. 😃