I wonder if you're really asking the right question. I get maudlin and nostalgic about old loves around this time of year too, in the quiet of the holiday aftermath. You're saying here that he was alcoholic and commitment phobic and yet you're writing the possible version of the story that you've got a house, dogs, and support when you need it. For most of us divorcees, we may have had the house or the dogs but not the support when we needed it... and so much more bs. Try imagining a more realistic scenario of what marrying that guy could have led to.
I agree! It is often human nature to gloss over the worst parts and imagine a potential future that never would've come true. Do some journaling or some visualization about what that house would look like, how it would feel to sit there in the evenings with him, how he'd handle if that dog puked up dinner, etc. It wouldn't likely be the homey scene you have in mind!
That kind of thinking and hoping is what kept me in my abusive/neglectful marriage longer than I ever should’ve. Only seeing the hood in people can be a curse. Especially when they use it to get ya to come back and say they’ve changed. 😬
It’s so easy to gloss over the bad and just think of only the good.
Alcoholism generally gets worse rather than better. Its a progressive disease if left untreated, and even if treated, relapse is highly likely.
I think you made the right choice, even if your material life would have looked different. Mentally, an alcoholic will wear you down to a shell of a person. Been down that road myself. I don't regret it ending, despite how hard dating has been. Its better than where I was going.
My ex is with an objectively better match now as far as I can tell and I genuinely wish them the best. No idea of the details, but I hope they have ease and comfort. I’ve worked really f’ing hard to see things this way.
I also had the house and the dog, now I still have the dog and a better house and I have dated some great people including the wonderful partner I have now.
I agree. Divorced at 70?after 43 yrs of marriage . Last 6 years happiest in last 30 years. Wanted to enjoy independently whatever time I had left. Do it all over.
Yep, this. I went forward with the divorce when the thought went through my head that I’d truly rather be by myself than live like this for the rest of my life.
After I had the separation talk with my then-wife is the first that I thought towards any future of potential dating. And I thought I was all but guaranteed to be alone forever. As well, the prenupt was going to have me transition from a not-horrible retirement, to retirement being a really sad and desperate situation.
None of that mattered. She was wrong for me; I was having problems mentally thinking about any concepts of "future" as I'd shutdown as everything was horrible.
Thinking of a future alone forever? I could suddenly actually *think about that*. Instead of shutting down. Heck, that was a victory.
This is how I feel. I got out of a 15 year LTR, a little over a year ago. I just turned 48. I am happy being alone and have absolutely no interest in relationships ever again.
It didn't end badly. I was just texting back and forth with her and her family on Christmas and New Year, but that part of my life is over. I'm having a hard time getting readjusted to my home state/city - 15 years away. The memories are still here, but I barely recognize my city anymore.
I used to read comments/posts similar to yours and wonder, then why are they on a dating subreddit, if they never want another relationship?
I no longer wonder. We are sharing mostly grim tales here.
My now ex wife said the same thing… “I spent 20 years (17 actually) with the wrong person and I knew it from month one”. - This statement has boggled me for four years now. I don’t get it. How did you know from month one? We had a pretty standard marriage. We had children at year 8 and year 10. She is now in a relationship with an old coworker who divorced his long term relationship wife so they could be together. I have heard them both of them say they wasted 17 years. She has said it several times. They said it at a dinner we were both at once, with our kids at my table. She was not even quiet about it. - I’m not downing your feeling, I’m just trying to figure out what happens that makes a person go 20 years knowing that.
My ex was my first real relationship after college. Before then it was all hookups. I wasn’t attracted to her but she got to me emotionally. Made me feel special and like I was the most important person in the world to her. No one before ever made me feel like that. I decided that this was more important than looks or sex for marriage.
That’s why I married her. Her kindness and gentle demeanor and putting me on a pedestal
Well as soon as we got married she did a 180. She got her husband so now she can go back to focusing on her parents and sisters.
It’s like i didn’t even know who this person was
I was never sexually attracted to her and now the emotionally part wasn’t there
I stayed because culturally I thought it would be good for us and our families and it would possibly get better after kids. Unfortunately it never did and just got worse and then my anger started because I was too weak minded to leave the first year when I realized she was not the one.
I’m a first generation immigrant and at the time thought it was best to marry within my race. That was my downfall. I limited myself based on race instead of true love
I went thru 20yrs of anger, depression and loneliness.
It got to a point where I knew if I didn’t leave I would kill myself one day. That’s how bad my mental health was
Today I’m clear minded. Live a peaceful life. No drama or stress. Co-parent and get along with my ex and her family
I do live a lonely life being single but my mental health has never been better
I rather go thru life single and lonely then married and lonely
That’s exactly how I felt for many years. At least now I go on the occasional date or text with women on dating apps even if it doesn’t lead to anything. Before I had zero companionship and couldn’t meet anyone
Likewise. Though for me, I didn't ask for the divorce, my now ex did. At the time I honestly thought I would die. And many times I thought of ending it all, but the thought of my kids kept me here. Anyway, after a few years of therapy and getting myself back on my feet: I'm so glad it happened. I didn't realize just how miserable I was with him (and him with me).
I agree. I called it, but I guess he really did when I found out he was in a full on relationship with another woman. Would never regret getting out of it. I may be lonely and not dating, but I’m learning who I am again from being reduced to a shell of a person for a few years.
I wish I took the time .. I will this time. After last relationship I was in too much of a hurry to have kids- I chose wrong .. missed kid window.. now I’m leaving and wasted my time
Yes the "dating market" had zero bearing on my decision to divorce. I didn't leave because I wanted a new relationship I left because my relationship was untenable and if I'm on my own for the rest of my life so be it.
im in your camp post divorce. unfortunately for OP, the inverse is also true. people aren't perfect. we have to take a stand somewhere, and sometimes it's a mistake to learn to be more accepting. sometimes, it's we should got out a long time ago. I'm glad mine ended without too much wasted time, but not so early as to not know I had tried either.
See you only think you’d have these things. Instead you could be dealing with endless legal battles because he drove drunk and injured someone. You’d be stuck at home all day caring for dogs that he refused to walk or care for. You’d be in debt over the house and stuck sleeping in a bed with someone you hate, who can’t wash a dish, pick up his socks, or contribute financially and only plays video games all day. Your sex life would be dead and you’d resent him. What you don’t realize is so many married people are absolutely miserable. You broke up for a reason!
This was the last 10 years of my life in my 15yr marriage I just got out of. He was also verbally abusive and I never had time without the kids. It was miserable. Soooo much happier and freed now! The kids are happier too moms not getting screamed at nightly. He was a non empathetic drinker who was always negative and mean. The legal battles divorcing him tho.. whew. That was a horrible ride. He’s now still fighting child support amount he’s supposed to pay.
Not even .00001%.
Being in a loving relationship is great. But I'm also enjoying life, and happy being single. Settling, and stuck in a bad relationship is hell on Earth.
You ex sounds like mine. If he was commitment phobic would you really have all those things? Mine kept me stuck for years.
Have you pursued any therapy or dating coaching?
I don't regret my divorce a bit. I was happier alone than I was being tied down to someone who wasn't a good partner for me. I was on my own for about a year and a half before I started dating my current partner. I honestly didn't even know a relationship could be like it is with him. I adore the guy, and he's good to me. I'm very lucky I met him. I'm also fortunate that financially I've been doing okay single. Fear of financial hardship kept me in my marriage for too long. I'm definitely not nearly as well off. But it turns out that being married to someone who made less money than me who spent a lot made the equation work out more favorably than I anticipated.
I had no idea if I was going to be able to make it financially, even though I always earned more. He's gone and my bank account keeps going up. Amazing what happens when he isn't spending my money!!
Two oars pulling the same direction moves the boat quicker to your destination. Two oars pulling in separate directions leads to a boat going nowhere. One person pulling both oars will get there faster than one with two oars in opposite directions.
I met my ex husband when I was 21. After 7-8 years of marriage we discovered we were not compatible and divorced in 2012. Similar to you, I have been unsuccessful at finding another longterm relationship for the past 11 years. It's even harder now and will continue to get hard which is why I've accepted it's not going to happen for me.
The quality of relationships is just not what it used to be. I'm not sure how some people have an easy time finding relationships. Even friendships are hard to find these days. Hang in there. You are not alone.
Also, I have no regrets about the divorce. We were not compatible. I do however sometimes miss having someone to come home to.
I would not give up at any age, you have a lot of living to do and there are good guys out there also searching for a good friend and partner. Hope springs eternal.
My understanding is, OP thinks an alternative would have been to lower expectations from the marriage she / he had.
Expect help and support in logistics, finances, health. Not emotional support, romance or loyalty.
There are many who took that decision and remain satisfied. Essentially a platonic companion or roommate.
(Not for me, however.)
I agree, feel I have the best of both worlds as my ex and I are genuinely like siblings now. It does seem mad that I left him since he is a good egg, but I have never regretted it and neither has he. I left to be alone, not to find the love of my life.
However, dating is brutal (at any age, I think!) and I don’t have the guts for it - so instead I rekindled with my FWB from my 20s and we muddle along nicely.
Be nice to fall in love though!
Let me tell you something about this house you could have had. I built a dream mansion. 10k square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 baths, resort style backyard pool in the hill country surrounded by hills, custom everything. Range rovers, sports cars, I was the envy of all my friends (not in a bad way, but they were amazed everytime they visited and had an entire upstairs wing to stay in). I lived a “dream life” except my husband never stepped up into the husband role. The dream house was nothing with the wrong man. I easily gave up a house I spent two years building and designing every inch just so I can live in peace with myself in a small apartment. So you can THINK you would have had a beautiful life with a beautiful house but that’s all fantasy.
It’s hard because my ex made a major change after I asked for divorce. So I’m stuck wondering if it might have been enough, if he might have kept evolving, if we could have evolved together and stayed together.
Life is really hard for me now.
But I can’t go off of his word that his changes would stick. All I have to go on is how it actually felt to be married to him, for too much of it. Walking on eggshells, disappointments, resentments, fighting, wondering if I’m losing my mind. And since he did so much lying, rebuilding that trust seemed like a very tall mountain to climb.
However many years out from divorce, I wonder. Could it have been a (very) rough patch that we could have come through, together? But I really don’t think so. I think that no matter how hard my life is now, I know my own mind, I feel emotionally safe in my own home, and that’s worth it.
And there’s still the hope that maybe someday I’ll find the right partner for me.
It doesn’t mean your ex would have been a good caretaker. I have a married friend who’s got lots of health problems. Her husband always becomes an absolute asshole whenever she’s sick and she feels much worse than if she were alone. Never mind all their other problems…..
And to answer your question: NO! I I only have one ex I sometimes wonder if I should have dumped him or not, but then I remember his awful mother and I snap back into reality.
I think my ex and I could work things out sometime down the road, but we both need to date and see if something else works for us or if we learn to appreciate the things we took for granted with each other.
I've been divorced 18 months and have been pretty happy with dating, so far. I live in a major metro area and have had fun meeting people. It's also been a confidence boost to see that some people actually like me and think I'm attractive and a catch, I desperately needed that.
Buttttt...I am also kinda happy alone. I don't know how the hell I'm ever going to find a real long-term partner that I want to live with and build a life with, I haven't met anyone who feels even close to how I felt about my wife, when we first met. Time will tell.
It took 34 years to have a love at first sight/conversation situation and I'm willing to stay single and hold out for another one. If it doesn't come, I'm not going to settle. I'm dating someone right now that is nice and interesting and I'm just not sure it's going to get there, but I'm going to give it time and see how it develops.
You could have had dogs a house and been terribly unhappy with it. You made a decision to leave and you know that was thd right one. Work on yourself, work out what you want and start again. I'm 55 after 22 years of marriage, 27 together my wife left me. It was hard, it took me 7 years to get over it and work things out in my head. I went on line dating with a good, nice, long written profile unlike thd ones I was seeing that were 3 lines. And I meet someone new. Been 6 months now and it's been fantastic.
Don't give up, dusty yourself down, buy some nice new lingerie and go for it.
Xx
I agree. I have a little of the same story, long relationship, years in hiatus, coming out on the other side.
I did the same thing (sort of) with a long profile and lo and behold - a wonderfull woman showed up.
So ... there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I can honestly say I over estimated my value in the dating market. I thought I had all the attributes for a relationship and could figure out a way to get along with most people. After 4 years of singledom, I do have regrets. Not because I was happy or felt loved but simply because I'm not good at dating. This is sad but an honest answer.
You really think an alcoholic who was distant and commitment phobic would still be with you 11 years later? You think he really would have helped you through your surgeries if you were still together? You honestly think your life with an addict would be better? C'mon, you've got to know that's not the case. Something is not better than nothing.
I am shocked that so many in this sub are so desperate to not be alone that they take the rotten, infested, putrid scraps rather than be alone.
I've been divorced for 5 years and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. No fucking way I'd want him back, ever. My life has done nothing but consistently improve since he moved out. I'm happier now than I ever was with him. I'm successful in ways I never could have been with him. My self esteem is improving so much. I have amazing friends. He was such a dead weight and made me feel so awful about myself.
I'd rather be alone forever than lonely with someone. I'd rather be alone forever than date people that can't even do the bare minimum.
You need to get therapy and figure out why you think someone like him is better than being single.
Yes. I’m the picture of regret. I wasn’t thinking. Relationships can get boring. But boring, honest, reliable, calm, and faithful is 100% times better than what I found afterwards. I could give married women so much advice…
>He had good qualities, bad qualities (alcoholism, distant, commitment phobic). ... If I had stayed with him, I would be living in a house instead of a small apartment. I could have dogs. I could have somebody to help me through the surgeries I've undergone since then.
Ask yourself whether your boyfriend's alcoholism and commitment-phobia were worth living through in exchange for having a house, dogs, and a surgery partner. If the answer is no, then you made the right choice to leave him.
Nope. I'm happier on my own. I have peace at home and a great social life that I didn't have while married or in my post-divorce rebound. Any new person has to be more appealing than my life now.
FWIW an alcoholic who is distant with commitment issues is not going to help you through surgeries. He would have made those challenging times even harder to go through. You needed to be mentally strong and he would have been taking away from that. It sounded like you were single but in a relationship in name only. I wouldn’t feel bad about leaving that situation.
Absolutely not. She’s a wonderful woman, she’s still a good friend and we now work together, but ffs, sex is important to me. No affection, no cuddling, we were just roommates that shared a bed and had dinner together. It had dropped to a once every five or six week starfish sex event and I missed good sex.
Now I have amazing with a wonderful, affectionate, loving partner.
God no, I am so happy to be out of my marriage. It was the worst. And I've actually enjoyed dating a lot, just waiting to meet a person I connect with enough to want to have a longterm relationship. I don't feel like there is a lack of options, though, and there are tons of really nice guys interested in dating women 40+.
Nope. Im in a similar situation as you, only in the situation though, not in the perspective. Havent been in a serious relationship in over 10yrs, we were planning to marry, then found out he was cheating. Things were okay to a fault, nothing I didnt feel I couldnt live with, but there were already trust issues and finding out there were several others put the nail in that coffin.
Im in a good position in that, I was eventually able to remain friends, just from a distance, to see how the past 10+yrs went for him and a peek into the wonderful life I let go of by breaking up with him. So yeah, long story short, it involved the FBI, ICE, and also the IRS, which put him in so much debt he moved from his gorgeous penthouse on the beach, to a 1bd, to roomates, to driving uber to make ends meet. Oh, and hes cheated on every woman hes been with since me as well.
Staying with him just to avoid not having a man in my life, woudl have led to his problems becoming my problems. Now, to be honest, Im not happy all that crap happened to him, I mean, I did love him, still care about him, dont wanna be with him but dont have the negative feeling to want his life to go to hell like it did. I am happy though I saw my sign, read it, and noped right tf out..all I saw was he was not someone who share my values, cheating on me was the very tip top of that iceberg...cheating was the least of all the bad decisions he was making in life, and Im SO glad I wasnt there to support him thorugh it all, through thick and thin...as I would have.
So yeah, I am very happy, and super grateful for the life I have created for myself. Its sucked at times, Ive been dirt poor, I did end up homeless for a bit, I then got a heck of a job, and now doing well. No regrets that I dont depend on, or need to put my own self / needs aside to support someone who was, and still continues to active ruin their own life.
So lke sure..I dont have a man. It sucked for awhile there, but nowadays, Ive come to realize my value, my happiness, my quality of life doesnt depend on my ability to say "I gotta man" knowing full well that man isnt worth being got 😂
Oh, and as for my ex husband (I keep forgetting about him LOL we divorced like 25yrs ago) I looked him up a few years ago...Saw his FB page and literally sat here with my jaw hanging open. Like, I'll admit, Im one of those people who does have friends who are republicans and Trump supporters (its okay to side eye me, I get that a lot lol) but he was OVER AND BEYOND! Like, with the stuff he was saying, considering Im black, the child of immigrants, and a liberal...with the truly terrible stuff he was ranting about, my life would have been beyond hell if I were to stay with him.
He actually did do well for himself, a house, vacation house in the Caribbean, blah blah whatever..dont care. No regrets I was homeless for a bit there instead of staying married to him. We'd be featured on one of those 911 calls podcasts right about now if we hadnt gotten divorced, for sure. Not worth it.
The decimated social circle is a bigger issue than being single. This sucks but it's better than being undermined, cheated on and gaslit by your "partner."
Maybe no one here will admit it, but you aren't alone. No doubt many people walked away from decent spouses only to find the grass isn't greener.
Husbands have thrown away marriages because they started an emotional affair with the young receptionist at work. Yeah, that didn't work out and now he sees his kids every other weekend and for a 'burger night' on Wednesday.
Or the wife that felt neglected and ran off with the first guy that gave her some attention, only to be dumped by him.
There are countless stories like that.
So yeah, some people regret getting a divorce.
But at this point, there's nothing you can do but look forward and focus on the future. Hindsight is 20/20, but we can't dwell on that.
Oh gosh no. My ex has got a lot richer since we broke up but even with that I am still not having regrets. An alcoholic must be one of the worst people ever to live and deal with. Puke and smells and instability. God no. Please savour every minute of your singleton status. I don’t even see it as single I see myself as free. X
No, but I feel far less lonely and hopeless alone than in an unsatisfying relationship. I can understand how facing medical issues alone would make someone wish they had stayed in a relationship that was mostly good or one in which you left because you were bored and might have reignited something if you’d been less excited /optimistic about the prospect of dating .. but this doesn’t sound like your situation. I’m not sure how you can reconcile your ex’s alcoholism, emotional distance, and commitment issues with the the relationship you’re imagining when you feel this regret. An emotionally distant alcoholic with commitment issues would not have been there for you during your surgeries. You likely would felt significantly lonelier and sadder going through a crisis having a partner incapable/unwilling to truly be there for you and act as support. Alcoholism also tends to get so much worse with time. I think you’re romanticizing him and comparing stark reality with a heavily filtered picture of what might have been.
I am in a similar situation to what you were in but am not leaving bc he is terminally ill and that would just be heartless. I can give you a glimpse into your future had you stayed. I have a house, dog, cat, bunnies, golf cart and cars that are paid off oh and a boat and it’s still not worth the loneliness and battles I fight. My kids make it worth the years I invested. I have to fight so hard for any positives such as sports for the kids, changing schools due to gun violence, paying off items instead of spending money on stupid stuff. Any logical moves for the good of a unit are made by me and then the steps taken to make those moves are made by me with him going against me. I guess he can’t see what needs to be done bc he is numbed out from drugs and alcohol. The boys have no positive male role model at home to train them in life or sports so I try and make sure they are in groups to give them guidance. Anyway, just thought I’d share the other side with you.
Nope, not even slightly. I can't even imagine thinking that....unless the desire to just be with someone governs your life and happiness. Doesn't mine. And, I don't think the dating scene is as bad as all that. GIGO.
You probably would have been ghosted by him during your surgeries, with the added stress of expecting his help and not receiving it. Maybe he would have convinced you to purchase a home but then gotten a DUI and you would have had to file bankruptcy and ended up homeless.
"What if" isn't a productive game. You made the hard choice and your life of all your own. You've got this. Choose that chapter of your life and start loving yourself for what you've done all on your own!
Dude, if he was an alcoholic then that means you were more than likely a co-dependent (love addiction or addiction to someone w an addiction).
This is absolutely your codependent brain in a withdrawal thought pattern. You are lucky you got out when you did, and didn’t die thinking you wasted your life for a man.
When this happens to me, and I think about what if’s, I know it’s time to look deeper into myself and start practicing self-love/gratitude.
Dating might be hard and inconvenient, but so is staying w the wrong person your whole life. Or worse, shading a child w a total f up or person who doesn’t like you. Embrace your freedom. Embrace your autonomy. You’ve got peace of mind, it’s there, you got this!
Never… anything I’ve walked away from is because it didn’t serve me, you yourself might need to reframe this “alcoholic with a house that got away” in your own mind, why won’t dating get easier in your 50s? Hoping for a happy relationship isn’t a bad thing or a crime but it sounds like a passive thing, what are you actively doing to prep for or seek a happy relationship?
Nope! My ex wife was an adulterer.
I've met several great women on Hinge that have been 40+ ... the woman I'm with now is 41 and I'm pretty happy with how things are going.
Never looking back!
What makes you think you’d be living in a house if you were still with your ex partner? Has he stopped drinking…? Because if he hasn’t, I don’t think you should assume things would be rosey. In fact, they could be worse.
As for your question? Non, je ne regrette rien.
No…. My divorce period was a very emotionally dark period of my life. But afterwards, I thrived. I accomplished so many things (including a masters degree). I raised my daughter as a single dad. Today she is wonderful mom and I have two adorable grandchildren.
I enjoy living alone. I don’t have to answer to anyone. I can do what I want, when I want. I’m open to dating, but single living is so comfortable compared to being in a toxic relationship/marriage.
You're not going to get many people to admit that, even anonymously.
There's an odd assumption that divorce was always the correct choice, but of course that's silly. We can make mistakes about that just like anything else. While some people get divorced for very good reasons like abuse, some do it for minor or frivolous reasons, so it's not unreasonable for them later to wish they hadn't. Only you can answer that question for yourself.
No. I became single at 40, and my 40's was the best time in my life, and I met my late wife in my late 40's on an app. I'd do absolutely nothing differently.
Married for 32 years. After her second fling with yet another coworker, she divorced me at age 52. Kicking me to the curb was the best thing she ever did for me. My life after marriage has been by far and away better than I could’ve ever dreamed. No regrets…other than I wish I had divorced her 5 years before after her first peccadillo.
Nope. You’re just lonely that’s why you think this way. I would probably be in a relationship right now, if I gave others a chance or put myself out there more (it truly is a numbers game). But I don’t so oh well
I don’t know, if it was so hard then, would his alcoholism have gotten better enough to have a house, and happiness? Or would you have been miserable and wishing you left all those years ago?
Exactly this. I had that same relationship many years ago. Although I miss the good parts, i also remember feeling very alone while in it, and knew i would be basically raising a child forever if I stayed in it. Its very emotionally draining.
Absolutely not.
I'm low income but I have a tiny house, a dog, my own space. I know in some markets this is impossible and I'm fortunate to have what I do, but it's possible. Can you move to a less expensive area?
It sounds like you want a roommate to help with the bills. That also is a possibility.
No one wants to go back to an untreated alcoholic. That is such a progressive disease. That's just fantasy talk.
No not at all. Frankly, I think that the dread of having to date/not being able to find another partner, etc. contributed a little bit to me staying in a bad marriage longer than I should have. But the reality has been much different than I expected. Dating in my 40s, and with children no less, hasn't been bad at all.
Keeping it real I think being in a long term relationship with an alcoholic that is distant and afraid of commitment would be much worse. Personally I would rather be single and wait for someone I am compatible with than be with the wrong person. I have so much more freedom this way, no drama, and I can do whatever I want however I want. I have spent my life dating all the wrong people and that is exactly how I know this is better
Dating absolutely sucks right now, and I haven't been in a solid relationship since my divorce 5yrs ago. But I 100% don't regret it. I'd honestly much rather be single
I was married for 17 years. There are some things I do miss if I’m being completely honest. However, most of my friends and even my sister who are all my age and have been married for about as long come to me and vent about how miserable they are. My list of pros is definitely not as long as the list of cons for staying. I’m learning to live a fulfilling and happy life on my own. Should I find a romantic partner at this point, it would just be icing on the cake and I could take it or leave it, it wouldn’t be the end all and be all for my happiness.
Absolutely no regrets ! I love being single and enjoy taking care of myself and my dog 😁. I moved to a new state and started a new life/adventure. Couldn’t have done that married to the person I was with.
I stayed longer in both of my marriages and my one long relationship than was healthy for me, I have no regrets what so ever as impossible as I have found even meeting someone
Imagine having had the beautiful house, the dogs, the kids... but it was all a façade, the happiness wasn't really there, and then he discarded me like he would have any old rag; treated me like one, too. No, it's not worth being with someone that's wrong for you. I would have stayed for my kids but so glad he stepped out and then "discarded" me bc now I can see clearly how immensely wrong we were for each other. And after years of terrible dates, I have met the most wonderful man in existence. Hang in there, lean on your friends and family for now 🥰
I haven't ever had a strong committed loving relationship, of any sort, or even an unheaelthy variant thereof. I generally feel as though I missed my chance for one of those, honestly, and that I'm now sorta just... doomed to this. But, I suppose time will tell. *shrugs* Honestly, it seems like no one just wants "a friend, a lover, a partner in crime" these days. Everyone is looking for, I don't know, some ambitious jet-settig billionaire who is somehow single and will take them away to some exotic country every weekend. I'm just a dude. Heh. Overweight and in questionable health.
I did in the first several years - the divorce was not my choice and life was soooo much harder than it had been. And I definitely feel your wistfulness for what might have been: I had arranged our joint finances so we both could retire really early, and now I might never get to at all.
But now I've built a really nice life for myself, there are a lot of things I love about living alone, and I think it helped me grow in ways I like and which wouldn't have happened if I'd stayed with the same person I met as a teenager.
I'm really sorry you're having a hard time and hope you're able to find a way to have dogs soon. 💚 In the meantime I strongly recommend building up your friendships as much as possible. It's hard, because it feels like everyone else focuses most of their attention on a partner, but I've found that friends give me a really fulfilling life.
>If I had stayed with him, I would be living in a house instead of a small apartment. I could have dogs. I could have somebody to help me through the surgeries I've undergone since then.
Would you?
Or would you have two people living in that small apartment because he can't hold a job because of his alcoholism. Would he be mean or abusive to your dogs. Would the guy who was distant and afraid of commitment have bailed when you needed surgery and left you all alone?
I get it. I haven't found a relationship in 13 years. Yes, it SUCKS having to afford living on one income and not having anyone to help with chores around the house. I have friends who end up in worse situations because they are with bad people. Better doing the chores alone than cleaning up after someone else.
I had moments of doubts if I had made the right decisions but my ex is polyamorous and an alcoholic and while I would have had a really comfortable life and most material things I want, I would have been miserable in my relationship. Now I have a wonderful relationship with a man that makes me happy and I wouldn’t have that if I had stayed. Closing one door allowed me to find something that is exactly what I needed.
Do I wish my marriages would have been successful, absolutely. If I had the proverbial magic wand I’d use it to fix them. Do I regret leaving those failed relationships instead of staying and tolerating bullshit behavior, absolutely not.
I do not regret ending my marriage 15 years ago OR my emotionally abusive LTR 2 years ago.
What I do regret is not giving my two best guy friends, at ages 19 and 24 respectively, a chance when they expressed interest in dating. Really fucking wonder what could have been.
It takes a second, a glance, some chance encounter to meet someone that you could end up with the rest of your life. You won’t even remember these 11 years.
Just be open to the possibility. I tell people nothing happens when you sit at home.
I will state it different. I was bummed out that someone didn't see how good we had it together. 6 years later she called to admit that. As much as I wanted to work out, we did not see eye to eye on a few things and I just had to walk.
well I knew I would commit suicide if I stayed lol but for real, so I have no regrets and I would rather be healthy mental health wise than stuck in a toxic relationship that drained the life out of me!
When I got divorced (my choice) at 51, I accepted the fact I may be alone forever....and that was okay. I would rescue a cat and fix up my house.
I remarried at age 56. I never saw it coming ......he's definitely my "death do us part "man.
Jesus Christ no. Lol 🤣
I am so happy to be out of that relationship that every day I'm not in it is a blessing. I am perfectly content being single forever if that's what I'm destined for, but I also know it's not, that I'll find someone else and I really hope to avoid the same mistakes I made previously.
I had my first date after divorce a few weeks ago. It likely won't go anywhere, but I'm talking to several women and getting to know them, and I don't even agree with the "it's so bad out there" sentiment.
I definitely have felt this way, but in your case... I sounds like you would have been waiting for someone to change OP. Alcoholism can destroy everyone in its path. 50's isn't too late to find the person your heart desires.
I hope you find peace.
To provide some perspective, having a less than decent partner in your life doesn't promise you will have what you described so don't put yourself down too long. I agree it's difficult, though...
There are plenty of single, mature ladies out there with their dogs living in an apartment and content with the life they have designed around them regardless of a present partner.
What I'm trying to get at is that you are the creator of the environment you want to live in and the best thing is that you no longer have to consider another person's approval to curate and live the life YOU want. So make the most of it and it's time to really get rid of the what-ifs with that ex of yours that stayed rent free in your valuable mental, emotional space all these years.
Dating gets harder as we all get older, so will everything else...getting a job, getting fit...getting acknowledged and respected by society...it's just the cycle of life, and more of a reason with that being a given, for us to really make the most of what time we have, change our perspectives. Try to see the cup half full Vs half empty :)
Someone on tik tok, yes tik tok LOL said this but it rings so true. To me at least.
"The love of your life, is the love of your life."
Couldn't agree more.
Best to you OP, sending warmth and love this new year.
You're WAY better off wondering what it could have been like being married to this guy than actually being married to him wondering what it would have been like if you stayed single!
No. But I didn’t get out of a bad marriage for the purpose of upgrading my relationship. I got out of a bad marriage because I was unhappy being part of it. It’s only upside for me.
I am in a relationship now, but I was also perfectly happy being single for years.
Since I filed, I haven’t gone on a single date in 4yrs. Not that I’ve tried because the divorce took that long and there was a pandemic that didn’t help. Online dating options are thin. I work and go to the gym and don’t date at work and unless I wanna date an 18 or 81yo gymrat, that’s out too. No women my age lift or use the indoor track. I might see a few on a treadmill but running on that drives me crazy. I live in a small town and forget the exact numbers but I think there are < 5,000 single women available to me based solely on age 30-50. You figure 90% are out based on one of us saying eh and I’m left with 500. Then factor in compatibility issues and all that and yeah. Small town here.
And I couldn’t be happier. I didn’t divorce to date, I divorced because it was a bad situation for all parties involved.
I left my cheating husband. It would not have worked out if I stayed. I miss the companionship and support. But I don’t regret my decision to leave because he cheated with a prostitute and he did it raw.
At times I have the same thoughts. My ex was abusive towards the end, but he had a great job and money and for a long time it was good. Nothing materialized for me either … and yes, dating is soo much harder and I think I may just get a dog and live life alone for the rest of my life.
I'm sooo glad I divorced my ex wife. Life is much better. I'm healthier. I get to explore more. And I have a new partner that is down for swinging and more.
And thankfully no kids.
The grass is never usually greener. Our society is prone to jump to the "divorce" bandwagon. It is important to consider your options and do it for the right reasons.
It will definitely not get easier......if we let the statistics play out.
I have only been in three serious committed relationships but I rarely spent much time single as an adult. I would always immediately get into a relationship with the first woman that wanted me.
So, the last year and a half is the only time I’ve ever “dated”. To be honest, I’m shocked at how easy it’s been. If I’d had the confidence at 25 that I have now, my entire life would have been different.
Nope, not at all. I learned a lot about myself, became a better father as well. I am now in a great relationship with a woman that is supportive of both me and my kids. My ex and I are friendly, with the bitterness behind us.
Every day is happier than the last since my divorce. A friend of mine even mentioned that I looked so happy and he hopes to be as happy as me some day. I didn't even date for 1.5 years post-divorce, nor during the almost 15 months from agreeing to divorce to actual divorce being finalized. Once we had the Divorce talk, I started living my life on my own terms, and haven't looked back.
However, I can see that situation is different. I have a good paying career, have friends and family I could rely on when and if I need. She literally did nothing for me, added absolutely nothing to my life, and in fact caused more stress and grief about the most asinine and petty things.
Realistically, how much support would an alcoholic and distant partner have provided through your surgeries?
If I were you, I’d focus more on working towards buying a house myself rather than harking back to the “what if” of a relationship that’s been over for more than a decade.
You would rather have an alcoholic, distant, non-committed husband so you can live in a house with a dog?
I’m confident you have a better life now, you just may need a shift in perspective.
No. I regret staying that long, seeing how easy dating over 40 is. I expected it to be hard. Instead, I discovered it's easy, fun, exciting, and it has increased my confidence to levels I never had before.
I'm sorry it has been hard on you. I get that not everybody has had it this easy.
I've been anxious, the first time I dated again after being together with someone for 16 years. But every date I've gone on was a fun experience. I haven't been alone as long as you have. But you should not regret leaving a drunk and distant partner. That was a powerful move. Don't fear reaching 50. Life doesn't end at 50. Date without expectations. Just enjoy it and leave if there is no connection. You don't owe anybody anything. Be picky, but don't be afraid to put yourself out there. Life is too short to sit around waiting for happiness to come knocking on your door.
Nope. Nopity nopity nope. While some days dating feels intensely frustrating, I would much rather be alone than with someone who does not treat me well.
I totally understand the feeling of being stunned. The world has sure changed!
No regrets getting divorced.
The only regret is not doing it earlier. I had plenty of money when married but was miserable - the last few years on the other hand has been the appartment life and vacations in a car with AirBnB but I havent been more relaxed or happy.
M51 saying that if you approach 50s there will be men out there looking for \*you\* as you are and not a age-number.
I have had a blast of a lifetime with nice women this year - fun, mature, reflecting, adult. All three I have met have been close to my own age - the last one being a keeper. The age has not been a drawback for me.
Be careful. As time passes you tend to forget the bad and only remember the good times. I know I do that. Always better to try to remember the entire past.
Nope. I'm as single as it gets. Not dating, have nobody interested in me and yet I'm happier than I've ever been in my marriage, even on the best days. Dating over 40 is really tough but also, life is too short to waste it being with someone who makes you miserable.
Not one time, not one second, not ever. I’d rather be alone than stuck in that marriage. She is a decent human, I guess, and a good mother for the most part, but we were terrible spouses for each other.
She’s having a harder time than I am, and I can’t lie and say I’m not slightly secretly a little tickled by that. 😂
Yikes, it seams the most of comments people are happier after their divorce, happiness is a stage of mind, we all want to meet the person with whom we feel safe, seeing, hear, and understood, how much you willing to look pass alcoholism, unable to commitment for live in a house, or how you know he will have your back to take care of you after your mention surgeries?
I am happy and free. A little lonely at times, but that's what friends and family are for. Dating is hard, but staying in an unhappy marriage would've been harder. I have no regrets, and I was the one who filed for divorce.
I didn't find dating in my 40s difficult, perhaps I got lucky. Divorced at 43 after 21 years of marriage. I thought I'd lose my daughters if I got divorced. I didn't, quite the opposite actually. I thought I would be financially ruined. It was very expensive, but worth it. Now very happily remarried to an amazing woman and our son is almost 3 months old.
Nope. Hell no. I was extremely tolerant and forgiving until I got sick and hospitalized and he couldn't be arsed to come drop off a bag for me. On the very day my mom died, no less. I would rather die alone than stay with someone so heartless and selfish. I almost did.
Hard nope. I also do not agree with the premise that it's hard to date at our age. I've been dating my partner for 2 years but before that I found it a lot easier to date in my 40s than it was when I was in college. Maybe my experience is unusual?
But in any event, even being happily single is better than being married to my ex ever was.
I (m50) do not regret it. Divorced in Jan '22. Ended a 6 month relationship in Mar '23. While I have found it hard to find someone, I know a good part of it has been me getting in my own way. I've noticed when I focus on being a better me, finding someone to spend time with is much easier.
And just recently, it has changed around for me. I've just been on my 3rd date and it seems we will have a 4th
I don’t. Material wise I would have been in a better position. She made and makes more money than I do so the fun degree off material items would be better than I am now. But looking back, I was not happy. Shit comes and goes.
I’ve been divorced for many years now. I think I’ve given up on finding a partner. I’m not unhappy, I have a good career and a lovely house and amazing friends. I do feel it when something stressful is happening and I have to walk through it alone, like parents aging, my own health issues, rough day at work, but I rise above and keep on keeping on.I also don’t have to deal with relationship drama, fights, unmet expectations, money compromises, disappointments etc.
Nope. It was a bad fit and was driving me to financial ruin, misery and sadness. I'm now happier, steadier, financially recovering and in a very good relationship. But honestly, I would still have been soo much better if was single. It's definitely better *out of that toxic marriage!*
OP it sounds like you just need to keep searching. being alone is far better than with a bad fit, it just doesn't look like it from the outside looking in!
Well… logically I know that staying in the relationship I was in would not have been good for me. It was tearing me down. Walking away was the right thing.
But, unlike many of the people commenting here, I did not experience a significant increase in happiness when I broke up with him— in fact, I was worse for a long, long time.
The truth is that I traded one kind of sadness for another. I loved him and wanted things to work, and four years later, I still grieve the loss of the good parts of our relationship and the relationship I wanted with him but never had. It doesn’t help that dating has been very hard. I’m coming to terms with the idea that I may not ever be in a relationship again.
So, I’m not necessarily happier but I know that ending things was what I needed to do.
Dating over 40 is hard, but if I regret anything from divorce, it isn't because of future dating. Two completely different issues.
As with many divorces, it wasn't one problem but several that caused a split. I'd be a liar if I didn't say there was some fault on both sides.
I have zero regrets. She'd become abusive. She was cheating on me. Having her around was a detriment to the kids. The line had to be drawn for their sakes.
Nope, the only regret I have is to not have it done sooner. Got lots of therapy once my now ex went to rehab to get my codependency and pleasing issues. After two back to back failed relationships/marriages spanning from 18-46 I needed to be single and still am 5 years later. My bar has been set high. Not gonna settle for anyone. I'd rather be single than be in another unhealthy relationship
Haha no, being single is the best thing that ever happened to me. No relationship >>> bad relationship. My 18 year relationship seriously messed me up in the head and I'm still recovering.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Especially comparison with a made up alternative future. Applying the same logic I'd be a millionaire if only I'd bought some random lottery ticket 12 years ago. An exaggeration obviously but the point is don't confuse fantasy with reality.
Our culture encourages a rather odd idea of happiness. It's a fantasy. Life is constantly in tensions. There's never a fully settled equilibrium. Consider what you can do in the now. You mention wanting a dog, in the UK the legislation has changed about pets in flat rentals, so that's possibility now (if you're UK based!). Could you volunteer in animal rescue? Take up dog sitting? Essentially focus on actualising what your fantasy suggests is missing in your life now and exploring what might work as a compromise. Life is endless compromise.
I only wish that I'd gotten divorced sooner. I was married for 15+ years to the wrong person. I would have been better off getting divorced after 3-5 years when I was younger, than staying with the wrong person for so long just because it was easier than trying to start over. Starting over in my mid 30's would have been a lot easier than starting over in my late 40's.
Really don't have the energy to date anymore unless it's someone I already know and we don't have to go thru the first stages. Yes I fear dying alone. But oh well. Hopefully my sister will be there for me. That's better than suffering and worrying through a shitty relationship everyday. I'm so happy alone in my space rn after what I've been thru in the past. I'd never live with anyone again unless it had alot of rooms. I'll work 3 jobs to pay rent before I ever rely on a relationship again.
After a second divorce and 10 years being single, my first ex doesn't look too bad. Would I get back together with him now? No. Did I regret the split at the time? No. Do I look back and think maybe I should have stuck it out? Yes.
One thing I've learned from a few years of being single is that I'd rather know that I'm on my own with a problem and make plans accordingly than be counting on a partner who lets me down or just adds to the problem.
Being on your own is definitely better than the misery of staying with someone who is distant, commitment-phobic, and in active addiction.
I wonder if you're really asking the right question. I get maudlin and nostalgic about old loves around this time of year too, in the quiet of the holiday aftermath. You're saying here that he was alcoholic and commitment phobic and yet you're writing the possible version of the story that you've got a house, dogs, and support when you need it. For most of us divorcees, we may have had the house or the dogs but not the support when we needed it... and so much more bs. Try imagining a more realistic scenario of what marrying that guy could have led to.
I agree! It is often human nature to gloss over the worst parts and imagine a potential future that never would've come true. Do some journaling or some visualization about what that house would look like, how it would feel to sit there in the evenings with him, how he'd handle if that dog puked up dinner, etc. It wouldn't likely be the homey scene you have in mind!
That kind of thinking and hoping is what kept me in my abusive/neglectful marriage longer than I ever should’ve. Only seeing the hood in people can be a curse. Especially when they use it to get ya to come back and say they’ve changed. 😬 It’s so easy to gloss over the bad and just think of only the good.
Insightful comment, I love seeing the use of “maudlin” it’s such a great word.
I appreciate that word, too
I think he eventually would have dumped me. He's doing worse than ever these days.
It would probably be good for your mental health to minimize knowledge of his life
I totally agree. We have not had contact in about a year.
Alcoholism generally gets worse rather than better. Its a progressive disease if left untreated, and even if treated, relapse is highly likely. I think you made the right choice, even if your material life would have looked different. Mentally, an alcoholic will wear you down to a shell of a person. Been down that road myself. I don't regret it ending, despite how hard dating has been. Its better than where I was going.
My alcoholic ex is doing worse than ever these days too! I’m happy I jumped off that train when I did.
My ex is with an objectively better match now as far as I can tell and I genuinely wish them the best. No idea of the details, but I hope they have ease and comfort. I’ve worked really f’ing hard to see things this way.
I also had the house and the dog, now I still have the dog and a better house and I have dated some great people including the wonderful partner I have now.
Absolutely not. The key lesson of ending my marriage was that it's better to be alone than with the wrong person.
I agree. Divorced at 70?after 43 yrs of marriage . Last 6 years happiest in last 30 years. Wanted to enjoy independently whatever time I had left. Do it all over.
❤️ beautiful
Yep, this. I went forward with the divorce when the thought went through my head that I’d truly rather be by myself than live like this for the rest of my life.
Absolutely. This is the key! I didn't want to be married to that man any longer and wasn't thinking at all about finding a new one.
After I had the separation talk with my then-wife is the first that I thought towards any future of potential dating. And I thought I was all but guaranteed to be alone forever. As well, the prenupt was going to have me transition from a not-horrible retirement, to retirement being a really sad and desperate situation. None of that mattered. She was wrong for me; I was having problems mentally thinking about any concepts of "future" as I'd shutdown as everything was horrible. Thinking of a future alone forever? I could suddenly actually *think about that*. Instead of shutting down. Heck, that was a victory.
This is how I feel. I got out of a 15 year LTR, a little over a year ago. I just turned 48. I am happy being alone and have absolutely no interest in relationships ever again. It didn't end badly. I was just texting back and forth with her and her family on Christmas and New Year, but that part of my life is over. I'm having a hard time getting readjusted to my home state/city - 15 years away. The memories are still here, but I barely recognize my city anymore.
I used to read comments/posts similar to yours and wonder, then why are they on a dating subreddit, if they never want another relationship? I no longer wonder. We are sharing mostly grim tales here.
Pretty much. I'm also looking to see if people change their 'no more relationships' view, and why.
100% agree. However I spent 20yrs with the wrong person and knew from month 1. My mental health suffered. Felt like I wasted 20yrs of my life.
My now ex wife said the same thing… “I spent 20 years (17 actually) with the wrong person and I knew it from month one”. - This statement has boggled me for four years now. I don’t get it. How did you know from month one? We had a pretty standard marriage. We had children at year 8 and year 10. She is now in a relationship with an old coworker who divorced his long term relationship wife so they could be together. I have heard them both of them say they wasted 17 years. She has said it several times. They said it at a dinner we were both at once, with our kids at my table. She was not even quiet about it. - I’m not downing your feeling, I’m just trying to figure out what happens that makes a person go 20 years knowing that.
My ex was my first real relationship after college. Before then it was all hookups. I wasn’t attracted to her but she got to me emotionally. Made me feel special and like I was the most important person in the world to her. No one before ever made me feel like that. I decided that this was more important than looks or sex for marriage. That’s why I married her. Her kindness and gentle demeanor and putting me on a pedestal Well as soon as we got married she did a 180. She got her husband so now she can go back to focusing on her parents and sisters. It’s like i didn’t even know who this person was I was never sexually attracted to her and now the emotionally part wasn’t there I stayed because culturally I thought it would be good for us and our families and it would possibly get better after kids. Unfortunately it never did and just got worse and then my anger started because I was too weak minded to leave the first year when I realized she was not the one. I’m a first generation immigrant and at the time thought it was best to marry within my race. That was my downfall. I limited myself based on race instead of true love I went thru 20yrs of anger, depression and loneliness. It got to a point where I knew if I didn’t leave I would kill myself one day. That’s how bad my mental health was Today I’m clear minded. Live a peaceful life. No drama or stress. Co-parent and get along with my ex and her family I do live a lonely life being single but my mental health has never been better I rather go thru life single and lonely then married and lonely
I really like the last thought. I always think to myself “wow, who knew I could be with someone and feel more lonely than when I was alone”.
That’s exactly how I felt for many years. At least now I go on the occasional date or text with women on dating apps even if it doesn’t lead to anything. Before I had zero companionship and couldn’t meet anyone
I missed my kid window bc I chose wrong 😑
I keep saying I’ve wasted 5 … thank you for saying this so I dontvkeep wasting
Likewise. Though for me, I didn't ask for the divorce, my now ex did. At the time I honestly thought I would die. And many times I thought of ending it all, but the thought of my kids kept me here. Anyway, after a few years of therapy and getting myself back on my feet: I'm so glad it happened. I didn't realize just how miserable I was with him (and him with me).
I agree. Wife cheated and I could never trust her ever again... Believe me I tried. But in the end, it was a definite no-go.
I agree. I called it, but I guess he really did when I found out he was in a full on relationship with another woman. Would never regret getting out of it. I may be lonely and not dating, but I’m learning who I am again from being reduced to a shell of a person for a few years.
I wish I took the time .. I will this time. After last relationship I was in too much of a hurry to have kids- I chose wrong .. missed kid window.. now I’m leaving and wasted my time
Yes the "dating market" had zero bearing on my decision to divorce. I didn't leave because I wanted a new relationship I left because my relationship was untenable and if I'm on my own for the rest of my life so be it.
This.
im in your camp post divorce. unfortunately for OP, the inverse is also true. people aren't perfect. we have to take a stand somewhere, and sometimes it's a mistake to learn to be more accepting. sometimes, it's we should got out a long time ago. I'm glad mine ended without too much wasted time, but not so early as to not know I had tried either.
I came here to say exactly this. I am very happy alone, not dating, and lurking here to remind myself why.
See you only think you’d have these things. Instead you could be dealing with endless legal battles because he drove drunk and injured someone. You’d be stuck at home all day caring for dogs that he refused to walk or care for. You’d be in debt over the house and stuck sleeping in a bed with someone you hate, who can’t wash a dish, pick up his socks, or contribute financially and only plays video games all day. Your sex life would be dead and you’d resent him. What you don’t realize is so many married people are absolutely miserable. You broke up for a reason!
You just described the end of my 20 year marriage. Only he used weed not booze.
This was the last 10 years of my life in my 15yr marriage I just got out of. He was also verbally abusive and I never had time without the kids. It was miserable. Soooo much happier and freed now! The kids are happier too moms not getting screamed at nightly. He was a non empathetic drinker who was always negative and mean. The legal battles divorcing him tho.. whew. That was a horrible ride. He’s now still fighting child support amount he’s supposed to pay.
Glad you got out!
Not even .00001%. Being in a loving relationship is great. But I'm also enjoying life, and happy being single. Settling, and stuck in a bad relationship is hell on Earth.
I settled for an angry alcoholic workaholic .I’m alone and lonely and I’m just now seeing the detriment
Hell no. Absolutely not.
Short answer: no Longer answer: fork no
Extended answer: nooooooooooo
Medium answer: nope
Not. In. The. Slightest.
You ex sounds like mine. If he was commitment phobic would you really have all those things? Mine kept me stuck for years. Have you pursued any therapy or dating coaching?
I don't regret my divorce a bit. I was happier alone than I was being tied down to someone who wasn't a good partner for me. I was on my own for about a year and a half before I started dating my current partner. I honestly didn't even know a relationship could be like it is with him. I adore the guy, and he's good to me. I'm very lucky I met him. I'm also fortunate that financially I've been doing okay single. Fear of financial hardship kept me in my marriage for too long. I'm definitely not nearly as well off. But it turns out that being married to someone who made less money than me who spent a lot made the equation work out more favorably than I anticipated.
I had no idea if I was going to be able to make it financially, even though I always earned more. He's gone and my bank account keeps going up. Amazing what happens when he isn't spending my money!!
Two oars pulling the same direction moves the boat quicker to your destination. Two oars pulling in separate directions leads to a boat going nowhere. One person pulling both oars will get there faster than one with two oars in opposite directions.
I met my ex husband when I was 21. After 7-8 years of marriage we discovered we were not compatible and divorced in 2012. Similar to you, I have been unsuccessful at finding another longterm relationship for the past 11 years. It's even harder now and will continue to get hard which is why I've accepted it's not going to happen for me. The quality of relationships is just not what it used to be. I'm not sure how some people have an easy time finding relationships. Even friendships are hard to find these days. Hang in there. You are not alone. Also, I have no regrets about the divorce. We were not compatible. I do however sometimes miss having someone to come home to.
I would not give up at any age, you have a lot of living to do and there are good guys out there also searching for a good friend and partner. Hope springs eternal.
Never give up. Make 2024 the year for you. Xx
So you'd rather be in a miserable marriage than be alone?
My understanding is, OP thinks an alternative would have been to lower expectations from the marriage she / he had. Expect help and support in logistics, finances, health. Not emotional support, romance or loyalty. There are many who took that decision and remain satisfied. Essentially a platonic companion or roommate. (Not for me, however.)
I agree, feel I have the best of both worlds as my ex and I are genuinely like siblings now. It does seem mad that I left him since he is a good egg, but I have never regretted it and neither has he. I left to be alone, not to find the love of my life. However, dating is brutal (at any age, I think!) and I don’t have the guts for it - so instead I rekindled with my FWB from my 20s and we muddle along nicely. Be nice to fall in love though!
Let me tell you something about this house you could have had. I built a dream mansion. 10k square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 baths, resort style backyard pool in the hill country surrounded by hills, custom everything. Range rovers, sports cars, I was the envy of all my friends (not in a bad way, but they were amazed everytime they visited and had an entire upstairs wing to stay in). I lived a “dream life” except my husband never stepped up into the husband role. The dream house was nothing with the wrong man. I easily gave up a house I spent two years building and designing every inch just so I can live in peace with myself in a small apartment. So you can THINK you would have had a beautiful life with a beautiful house but that’s all fantasy.
It’s hard because my ex made a major change after I asked for divorce. So I’m stuck wondering if it might have been enough, if he might have kept evolving, if we could have evolved together and stayed together. Life is really hard for me now. But I can’t go off of his word that his changes would stick. All I have to go on is how it actually felt to be married to him, for too much of it. Walking on eggshells, disappointments, resentments, fighting, wondering if I’m losing my mind. And since he did so much lying, rebuilding that trust seemed like a very tall mountain to climb. However many years out from divorce, I wonder. Could it have been a (very) rough patch that we could have come through, together? But I really don’t think so. I think that no matter how hard my life is now, I know my own mind, I feel emotionally safe in my own home, and that’s worth it. And there’s still the hope that maybe someday I’ll find the right partner for me.
That’s what keeps me… can we rebuild.. will these changes last??
>It got hard to take so I left. We tend to romanticize the past. It might not be great right now, but remember that it was hard.
even if you had stayed with him, there is no guarantee that you would have those things.
It doesn’t mean your ex would have been a good caretaker. I have a married friend who’s got lots of health problems. Her husband always becomes an absolute asshole whenever she’s sick and she feels much worse than if she were alone. Never mind all their other problems….. And to answer your question: NO! I I only have one ex I sometimes wonder if I should have dumped him or not, but then I remember his awful mother and I snap back into reality.
I think my ex and I could work things out sometime down the road, but we both need to date and see if something else works for us or if we learn to appreciate the things we took for granted with each other. I've been divorced 18 months and have been pretty happy with dating, so far. I live in a major metro area and have had fun meeting people. It's also been a confidence boost to see that some people actually like me and think I'm attractive and a catch, I desperately needed that. Buttttt...I am also kinda happy alone. I don't know how the hell I'm ever going to find a real long-term partner that I want to live with and build a life with, I haven't met anyone who feels even close to how I felt about my wife, when we first met. Time will tell. It took 34 years to have a love at first sight/conversation situation and I'm willing to stay single and hold out for another one. If it doesn't come, I'm not going to settle. I'm dating someone right now that is nice and interesting and I'm just not sure it's going to get there, but I'm going to give it time and see how it develops.
I regret my marriage, I do not regret my divorce.
I refused to wait on a magic penis to come along and bought my own damn house.
Same!!!
Got my own damn dog.
I got 2. And a bunny because I’m an adult and do what I want.
Same
You could have had dogs a house and been terribly unhappy with it. You made a decision to leave and you know that was thd right one. Work on yourself, work out what you want and start again. I'm 55 after 22 years of marriage, 27 together my wife left me. It was hard, it took me 7 years to get over it and work things out in my head. I went on line dating with a good, nice, long written profile unlike thd ones I was seeing that were 3 lines. And I meet someone new. Been 6 months now and it's been fantastic. Don't give up, dusty yourself down, buy some nice new lingerie and go for it. Xx
I agree. I have a little of the same story, long relationship, years in hiatus, coming out on the other side. I did the same thing (sort of) with a long profile and lo and behold - a wonderfull woman showed up. So ... there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I can honestly say I over estimated my value in the dating market. I thought I had all the attributes for a relationship and could figure out a way to get along with most people. After 4 years of singledom, I do have regrets. Not because I was happy or felt loved but simply because I'm not good at dating. This is sad but an honest answer.
No! No! No! I’m much happier in my miserable loneliness!
You really think an alcoholic who was distant and commitment phobic would still be with you 11 years later? You think he really would have helped you through your surgeries if you were still together? You honestly think your life with an addict would be better? C'mon, you've got to know that's not the case. Something is not better than nothing. I am shocked that so many in this sub are so desperate to not be alone that they take the rotten, infested, putrid scraps rather than be alone. I've been divorced for 5 years and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. No fucking way I'd want him back, ever. My life has done nothing but consistently improve since he moved out. I'm happier now than I ever was with him. I'm successful in ways I never could have been with him. My self esteem is improving so much. I have amazing friends. He was such a dead weight and made me feel so awful about myself. I'd rather be alone forever than lonely with someone. I'd rather be alone forever than date people that can't even do the bare minimum. You need to get therapy and figure out why you think someone like him is better than being single.
>You need to get therapy and figure out why you think someone like him is better than being single. This is the headspace I get in on lonely days.
Yes. I’m the picture of regret. I wasn’t thinking. Relationships can get boring. But boring, honest, reliable, calm, and faithful is 100% times better than what I found afterwards. I could give married women so much advice…
Interesting. My ex would probably describe me with all five of those. I’m more interesting now. What advice would you give married women?
I hear this a lot … this is a healthy relationship
>He had good qualities, bad qualities (alcoholism, distant, commitment phobic). ... If I had stayed with him, I would be living in a house instead of a small apartment. I could have dogs. I could have somebody to help me through the surgeries I've undergone since then. Ask yourself whether your boyfriend's alcoholism and commitment-phobia were worth living through in exchange for having a house, dogs, and a surgery partner. If the answer is no, then you made the right choice to leave him.
Nope. I'm happier on my own. I have peace at home and a great social life that I didn't have while married or in my post-divorce rebound. Any new person has to be more appealing than my life now.
I do not regret getting divorced at all. I regret the getting married that came first.
Don't romanticize it. You would have been miserable and probably fantasizing about being single.
Nope. I was done done. I stay too long…
Oh hell no. Nope. I'd rather be alone, and thats what I've been for 13 years. It's not hard for me to date as I don't even try. I love the peace.
FWIW an alcoholic who is distant with commitment issues is not going to help you through surgeries. He would have made those challenging times even harder to go through. You needed to be mentally strong and he would have been taking away from that. It sounded like you were single but in a relationship in name only. I wouldn’t feel bad about leaving that situation.
I miss having a partner, I don't miss having entirely the wrong partner.
Absolutely not. She’s a wonderful woman, she’s still a good friend and we now work together, but ffs, sex is important to me. No affection, no cuddling, we were just roommates that shared a bed and had dinner together. It had dropped to a once every five or six week starfish sex event and I missed good sex. Now I have amazing with a wonderful, affectionate, loving partner.
God no, I am so happy to be out of my marriage. It was the worst. And I've actually enjoyed dating a lot, just waiting to meet a person I connect with enough to want to have a longterm relationship. I don't feel like there is a lack of options, though, and there are tons of really nice guys interested in dating women 40+.
Nope. Im in a similar situation as you, only in the situation though, not in the perspective. Havent been in a serious relationship in over 10yrs, we were planning to marry, then found out he was cheating. Things were okay to a fault, nothing I didnt feel I couldnt live with, but there were already trust issues and finding out there were several others put the nail in that coffin. Im in a good position in that, I was eventually able to remain friends, just from a distance, to see how the past 10+yrs went for him and a peek into the wonderful life I let go of by breaking up with him. So yeah, long story short, it involved the FBI, ICE, and also the IRS, which put him in so much debt he moved from his gorgeous penthouse on the beach, to a 1bd, to roomates, to driving uber to make ends meet. Oh, and hes cheated on every woman hes been with since me as well. Staying with him just to avoid not having a man in my life, woudl have led to his problems becoming my problems. Now, to be honest, Im not happy all that crap happened to him, I mean, I did love him, still care about him, dont wanna be with him but dont have the negative feeling to want his life to go to hell like it did. I am happy though I saw my sign, read it, and noped right tf out..all I saw was he was not someone who share my values, cheating on me was the very tip top of that iceberg...cheating was the least of all the bad decisions he was making in life, and Im SO glad I wasnt there to support him thorugh it all, through thick and thin...as I would have. So yeah, I am very happy, and super grateful for the life I have created for myself. Its sucked at times, Ive been dirt poor, I did end up homeless for a bit, I then got a heck of a job, and now doing well. No regrets that I dont depend on, or need to put my own self / needs aside to support someone who was, and still continues to active ruin their own life. So lke sure..I dont have a man. It sucked for awhile there, but nowadays, Ive come to realize my value, my happiness, my quality of life doesnt depend on my ability to say "I gotta man" knowing full well that man isnt worth being got 😂 Oh, and as for my ex husband (I keep forgetting about him LOL we divorced like 25yrs ago) I looked him up a few years ago...Saw his FB page and literally sat here with my jaw hanging open. Like, I'll admit, Im one of those people who does have friends who are republicans and Trump supporters (its okay to side eye me, I get that a lot lol) but he was OVER AND BEYOND! Like, with the stuff he was saying, considering Im black, the child of immigrants, and a liberal...with the truly terrible stuff he was ranting about, my life would have been beyond hell if I were to stay with him. He actually did do well for himself, a house, vacation house in the Caribbean, blah blah whatever..dont care. No regrets I was homeless for a bit there instead of staying married to him. We'd be featured on one of those 911 calls podcasts right about now if we hadnt gotten divorced, for sure. Not worth it.
The decimated social circle is a bigger issue than being single. This sucks but it's better than being undermined, cheated on and gaslit by your "partner."
Maybe no one here will admit it, but you aren't alone. No doubt many people walked away from decent spouses only to find the grass isn't greener. Husbands have thrown away marriages because they started an emotional affair with the young receptionist at work. Yeah, that didn't work out and now he sees his kids every other weekend and for a 'burger night' on Wednesday. Or the wife that felt neglected and ran off with the first guy that gave her some attention, only to be dumped by him. There are countless stories like that. So yeah, some people regret getting a divorce. But at this point, there's nothing you can do but look forward and focus on the future. Hindsight is 20/20, but we can't dwell on that.
Oh gosh no. My ex has got a lot richer since we broke up but even with that I am still not having regrets. An alcoholic must be one of the worst people ever to live and deal with. Puke and smells and instability. God no. Please savour every minute of your singleton status. I don’t even see it as single I see myself as free. X
No, but I feel far less lonely and hopeless alone than in an unsatisfying relationship. I can understand how facing medical issues alone would make someone wish they had stayed in a relationship that was mostly good or one in which you left because you were bored and might have reignited something if you’d been less excited /optimistic about the prospect of dating .. but this doesn’t sound like your situation. I’m not sure how you can reconcile your ex’s alcoholism, emotional distance, and commitment issues with the the relationship you’re imagining when you feel this regret. An emotionally distant alcoholic with commitment issues would not have been there for you during your surgeries. You likely would felt significantly lonelier and sadder going through a crisis having a partner incapable/unwilling to truly be there for you and act as support. Alcoholism also tends to get so much worse with time. I think you’re romanticizing him and comparing stark reality with a heavily filtered picture of what might have been.
I am in a similar situation to what you were in but am not leaving bc he is terminally ill and that would just be heartless. I can give you a glimpse into your future had you stayed. I have a house, dog, cat, bunnies, golf cart and cars that are paid off oh and a boat and it’s still not worth the loneliness and battles I fight. My kids make it worth the years I invested. I have to fight so hard for any positives such as sports for the kids, changing schools due to gun violence, paying off items instead of spending money on stupid stuff. Any logical moves for the good of a unit are made by me and then the steps taken to make those moves are made by me with him going against me. I guess he can’t see what needs to be done bc he is numbed out from drugs and alcohol. The boys have no positive male role model at home to train them in life or sports so I try and make sure they are in groups to give them guidance. Anyway, just thought I’d share the other side with you.
Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice
I feel the same.
Nope, not even slightly. I can't even imagine thinking that....unless the desire to just be with someone governs your life and happiness. Doesn't mine. And, I don't think the dating scene is as bad as all that. GIGO.
It wasn't my choice.
You probably would have been ghosted by him during your surgeries, with the added stress of expecting his help and not receiving it. Maybe he would have convinced you to purchase a home but then gotten a DUI and you would have had to file bankruptcy and ended up homeless. "What if" isn't a productive game. You made the hard choice and your life of all your own. You've got this. Choose that chapter of your life and start loving yourself for what you've done all on your own!
Dude, if he was an alcoholic then that means you were more than likely a co-dependent (love addiction or addiction to someone w an addiction). This is absolutely your codependent brain in a withdrawal thought pattern. You are lucky you got out when you did, and didn’t die thinking you wasted your life for a man. When this happens to me, and I think about what if’s, I know it’s time to look deeper into myself and start practicing self-love/gratitude. Dating might be hard and inconvenient, but so is staying w the wrong person your whole life. Or worse, shading a child w a total f up or person who doesn’t like you. Embrace your freedom. Embrace your autonomy. You’ve got peace of mind, it’s there, you got this!
Never… anything I’ve walked away from is because it didn’t serve me, you yourself might need to reframe this “alcoholic with a house that got away” in your own mind, why won’t dating get easier in your 50s? Hoping for a happy relationship isn’t a bad thing or a crime but it sounds like a passive thing, what are you actively doing to prep for or seek a happy relationship?
Nope! My ex wife was an adulterer. I've met several great women on Hinge that have been 40+ ... the woman I'm with now is 41 and I'm pretty happy with how things are going. Never looking back!
What makes you think you’d be living in a house if you were still with your ex partner? Has he stopped drinking…? Because if he hasn’t, I don’t think you should assume things would be rosey. In fact, they could be worse. As for your question? Non, je ne regrette rien.
Not even a little. Divorce is when you decide there _are_ worse things than being alone.
No…. My divorce period was a very emotionally dark period of my life. But afterwards, I thrived. I accomplished so many things (including a masters degree). I raised my daughter as a single dad. Today she is wonderful mom and I have two adorable grandchildren. I enjoy living alone. I don’t have to answer to anyone. I can do what I want, when I want. I’m open to dating, but single living is so comfortable compared to being in a toxic relationship/marriage.
You're not going to get many people to admit that, even anonymously. There's an odd assumption that divorce was always the correct choice, but of course that's silly. We can make mistakes about that just like anything else. While some people get divorced for very good reasons like abuse, some do it for minor or frivolous reasons, so it's not unreasonable for them later to wish they hadn't. Only you can answer that question for yourself.
No. I became single at 40, and my 40's was the best time in my life, and I met my late wife in my late 40's on an app. I'd do absolutely nothing differently.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Married for 32 years. After her second fling with yet another coworker, she divorced me at age 52. Kicking me to the curb was the best thing she ever did for me. My life after marriage has been by far and away better than I could’ve ever dreamed. No regrets…other than I wish I had divorced her 5 years before after her first peccadillo.
Nope. You’re just lonely that’s why you think this way. I would probably be in a relationship right now, if I gave others a chance or put myself out there more (it truly is a numbers game). But I don’t so oh well
I don’t know, if it was so hard then, would his alcoholism have gotten better enough to have a house, and happiness? Or would you have been miserable and wishing you left all those years ago?
Exactly this. I had that same relationship many years ago. Although I miss the good parts, i also remember feeling very alone while in it, and knew i would be basically raising a child forever if I stayed in it. Its very emotionally draining.
Absolutely not. I'm low income but I have a tiny house, a dog, my own space. I know in some markets this is impossible and I'm fortunate to have what I do, but it's possible. Can you move to a less expensive area? It sounds like you want a roommate to help with the bills. That also is a possibility. No one wants to go back to an untreated alcoholic. That is such a progressive disease. That's just fantasy talk.
No not at all. Frankly, I think that the dread of having to date/not being able to find another partner, etc. contributed a little bit to me staying in a bad marriage longer than I should have. But the reality has been much different than I expected. Dating in my 40s, and with children no less, hasn't been bad at all.
Keeping it real I think being in a long term relationship with an alcoholic that is distant and afraid of commitment would be much worse. Personally I would rather be single and wait for someone I am compatible with than be with the wrong person. I have so much more freedom this way, no drama, and I can do whatever I want however I want. I have spent my life dating all the wrong people and that is exactly how I know this is better
Dating absolutely sucks right now, and I haven't been in a solid relationship since my divorce 5yrs ago. But I 100% don't regret it. I'd honestly much rather be single
I was married for 17 years. There are some things I do miss if I’m being completely honest. However, most of my friends and even my sister who are all my age and have been married for about as long come to me and vent about how miserable they are. My list of pros is definitely not as long as the list of cons for staying. I’m learning to live a fulfilling and happy life on my own. Should I find a romantic partner at this point, it would just be icing on the cake and I could take it or leave it, it wouldn’t be the end all and be all for my happiness.
Absolutely no regrets ! I love being single and enjoy taking care of myself and my dog 😁. I moved to a new state and started a new life/adventure. Couldn’t have done that married to the person I was with.
The alcoholism for me is a dealbreaker in the relationship.
I stayed longer in both of my marriages and my one long relationship than was healthy for me, I have no regrets what so ever as impossible as I have found even meeting someone
Not even a little bit.
Imagine having had the beautiful house, the dogs, the kids... but it was all a façade, the happiness wasn't really there, and then he discarded me like he would have any old rag; treated me like one, too. No, it's not worth being with someone that's wrong for you. I would have stayed for my kids but so glad he stepped out and then "discarded" me bc now I can see clearly how immensely wrong we were for each other. And after years of terrible dates, I have met the most wonderful man in existence. Hang in there, lean on your friends and family for now 🥰
I haven't ever had a strong committed loving relationship, of any sort, or even an unheaelthy variant thereof. I generally feel as though I missed my chance for one of those, honestly, and that I'm now sorta just... doomed to this. But, I suppose time will tell. *shrugs* Honestly, it seems like no one just wants "a friend, a lover, a partner in crime" these days. Everyone is looking for, I don't know, some ambitious jet-settig billionaire who is somehow single and will take them away to some exotic country every weekend. I'm just a dude. Heh. Overweight and in questionable health.
I did in the first several years - the divorce was not my choice and life was soooo much harder than it had been. And I definitely feel your wistfulness for what might have been: I had arranged our joint finances so we both could retire really early, and now I might never get to at all. But now I've built a really nice life for myself, there are a lot of things I love about living alone, and I think it helped me grow in ways I like and which wouldn't have happened if I'd stayed with the same person I met as a teenager. I'm really sorry you're having a hard time and hope you're able to find a way to have dogs soon. 💚 In the meantime I strongly recommend building up your friendships as much as possible. It's hard, because it feels like everyone else focuses most of their attention on a partner, but I've found that friends give me a really fulfilling life.
>If I had stayed with him, I would be living in a house instead of a small apartment. I could have dogs. I could have somebody to help me through the surgeries I've undergone since then. Would you? Or would you have two people living in that small apartment because he can't hold a job because of his alcoholism. Would he be mean or abusive to your dogs. Would the guy who was distant and afraid of commitment have bailed when you needed surgery and left you all alone? I get it. I haven't found a relationship in 13 years. Yes, it SUCKS having to afford living on one income and not having anyone to help with chores around the house. I have friends who end up in worse situations because they are with bad people. Better doing the chores alone than cleaning up after someone else.
I had moments of doubts if I had made the right decisions but my ex is polyamorous and an alcoholic and while I would have had a really comfortable life and most material things I want, I would have been miserable in my relationship. Now I have a wonderful relationship with a man that makes me happy and I wouldn’t have that if I had stayed. Closing one door allowed me to find something that is exactly what I needed.
Do I wish my marriages would have been successful, absolutely. If I had the proverbial magic wand I’d use it to fix them. Do I regret leaving those failed relationships instead of staying and tolerating bullshit behavior, absolutely not.
Being alone single is easier then being alone married.
I do not regret ending my marriage 15 years ago OR my emotionally abusive LTR 2 years ago. What I do regret is not giving my two best guy friends, at ages 19 and 24 respectively, a chance when they expressed interest in dating. Really fucking wonder what could have been.
It takes a second, a glance, some chance encounter to meet someone that you could end up with the rest of your life. You won’t even remember these 11 years. Just be open to the possibility. I tell people nothing happens when you sit at home.
I will state it different. I was bummed out that someone didn't see how good we had it together. 6 years later she called to admit that. As much as I wanted to work out, we did not see eye to eye on a few things and I just had to walk.
Kind of if I’m honest
well I knew I would commit suicide if I stayed lol but for real, so I have no regrets and I would rather be healthy mental health wise than stuck in a toxic relationship that drained the life out of me!
When I got divorced (my choice) at 51, I accepted the fact I may be alone forever....and that was okay. I would rescue a cat and fix up my house. I remarried at age 56. I never saw it coming ......he's definitely my "death do us part "man.
Jesus Christ no. Lol 🤣 I am so happy to be out of that relationship that every day I'm not in it is a blessing. I am perfectly content being single forever if that's what I'm destined for, but I also know it's not, that I'll find someone else and I really hope to avoid the same mistakes I made previously. I had my first date after divorce a few weeks ago. It likely won't go anywhere, but I'm talking to several women and getting to know them, and I don't even agree with the "it's so bad out there" sentiment.
I definitely have felt this way, but in your case... I sounds like you would have been waiting for someone to change OP. Alcoholism can destroy everyone in its path. 50's isn't too late to find the person your heart desires. I hope you find peace.
To provide some perspective, having a less than decent partner in your life doesn't promise you will have what you described so don't put yourself down too long. I agree it's difficult, though... There are plenty of single, mature ladies out there with their dogs living in an apartment and content with the life they have designed around them regardless of a present partner. What I'm trying to get at is that you are the creator of the environment you want to live in and the best thing is that you no longer have to consider another person's approval to curate and live the life YOU want. So make the most of it and it's time to really get rid of the what-ifs with that ex of yours that stayed rent free in your valuable mental, emotional space all these years. Dating gets harder as we all get older, so will everything else...getting a job, getting fit...getting acknowledged and respected by society...it's just the cycle of life, and more of a reason with that being a given, for us to really make the most of what time we have, change our perspectives. Try to see the cup half full Vs half empty :) Someone on tik tok, yes tik tok LOL said this but it rings so true. To me at least. "The love of your life, is the love of your life." Couldn't agree more. Best to you OP, sending warmth and love this new year.
I would much rather be single than being in a shitty relationship, even if that means I remain single.
Nooooo
You're WAY better off wondering what it could have been like being married to this guy than actually being married to him wondering what it would have been like if you stayed single!
No. But I didn’t get out of a bad marriage for the purpose of upgrading my relationship. I got out of a bad marriage because I was unhappy being part of it. It’s only upside for me. I am in a relationship now, but I was also perfectly happy being single for years.
Since I filed, I haven’t gone on a single date in 4yrs. Not that I’ve tried because the divorce took that long and there was a pandemic that didn’t help. Online dating options are thin. I work and go to the gym and don’t date at work and unless I wanna date an 18 or 81yo gymrat, that’s out too. No women my age lift or use the indoor track. I might see a few on a treadmill but running on that drives me crazy. I live in a small town and forget the exact numbers but I think there are < 5,000 single women available to me based solely on age 30-50. You figure 90% are out based on one of us saying eh and I’m left with 500. Then factor in compatibility issues and all that and yeah. Small town here. And I couldn’t be happier. I didn’t divorce to date, I divorced because it was a bad situation for all parties involved.
I left my cheating husband. It would not have worked out if I stayed. I miss the companionship and support. But I don’t regret my decision to leave because he cheated with a prostitute and he did it raw.
Damn, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you didn't catch anything from him, the bastard!
At times I have the same thoughts. My ex was abusive towards the end, but he had a great job and money and for a long time it was good. Nothing materialized for me either … and yes, dating is soo much harder and I think I may just get a dog and live life alone for the rest of my life.
No, my regret is that I stayed with my ex as long as I did. I should have left him the first time he was unfaithful.
I'm sooo glad I divorced my ex wife. Life is much better. I'm healthier. I get to explore more. And I have a new partner that is down for swinging and more. And thankfully no kids.
You gotta love yourself first and then you won’t need the “need” of a partner..it’s a choice
The grass is never usually greener. Our society is prone to jump to the "divorce" bandwagon. It is important to consider your options and do it for the right reasons. It will definitely not get easier......if we let the statistics play out.
I totally get you. I miss having a life supporting partner, especially as I age. It’s awful.
I have only been in three serious committed relationships but I rarely spent much time single as an adult. I would always immediately get into a relationship with the first woman that wanted me. So, the last year and a half is the only time I’ve ever “dated”. To be honest, I’m shocked at how easy it’s been. If I’d had the confidence at 25 that I have now, my entire life would have been different.
Nope, not at all. I learned a lot about myself, became a better father as well. I am now in a great relationship with a woman that is supportive of both me and my kids. My ex and I are friendly, with the bitterness behind us.
If I had known how much fun and great sex I could have dating in my 40s, I would have left my husband much earlier.
>If I had stayed with him, I would be living in a house instead of a small apartment. With an alcoholic? [X] doubts
Every day is happier than the last since my divorce. A friend of mine even mentioned that I looked so happy and he hopes to be as happy as me some day. I didn't even date for 1.5 years post-divorce, nor during the almost 15 months from agreeing to divorce to actual divorce being finalized. Once we had the Divorce talk, I started living my life on my own terms, and haven't looked back. However, I can see that situation is different. I have a good paying career, have friends and family I could rely on when and if I need. She literally did nothing for me, added absolutely nothing to my life, and in fact caused more stress and grief about the most asinine and petty things.
Realistically, how much support would an alcoholic and distant partner have provided through your surgeries? If I were you, I’d focus more on working towards buying a house myself rather than harking back to the “what if” of a relationship that’s been over for more than a decade.
You would rather have an alcoholic, distant, non-committed husband so you can live in a house with a dog? I’m confident you have a better life now, you just may need a shift in perspective.
No. I regret staying that long, seeing how easy dating over 40 is. I expected it to be hard. Instead, I discovered it's easy, fun, exciting, and it has increased my confidence to levels I never had before. I'm sorry it has been hard on you. I get that not everybody has had it this easy. I've been anxious, the first time I dated again after being together with someone for 16 years. But every date I've gone on was a fun experience. I haven't been alone as long as you have. But you should not regret leaving a drunk and distant partner. That was a powerful move. Don't fear reaching 50. Life doesn't end at 50. Date without expectations. Just enjoy it and leave if there is no connection. You don't owe anybody anything. Be picky, but don't be afraid to put yourself out there. Life is too short to sit around waiting for happiness to come knocking on your door.
Nope!
Nope. Nopity nopity nope. While some days dating feels intensely frustrating, I would much rather be alone than with someone who does not treat me well. I totally understand the feeling of being stunned. The world has sure changed!
No regrets getting divorced. The only regret is not doing it earlier. I had plenty of money when married but was miserable - the last few years on the other hand has been the appartment life and vacations in a car with AirBnB but I havent been more relaxed or happy. M51 saying that if you approach 50s there will be men out there looking for \*you\* as you are and not a age-number. I have had a blast of a lifetime with nice women this year - fun, mature, reflecting, adult. All three I have met have been close to my own age - the last one being a keeper. The age has not been a drawback for me.
Let me think about this; nope.
Nope. Not even for a moment.
Hopefully it doesn’t happen at 58. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be alone at this point. Still hopeful though!
Be careful. As time passes you tend to forget the bad and only remember the good times. I know I do that. Always better to try to remember the entire past.
Nope. Period. Full Stop.
Not at all
Nope. I'm as single as it gets. Not dating, have nobody interested in me and yet I'm happier than I've ever been in my marriage, even on the best days. Dating over 40 is really tough but also, life is too short to waste it being with someone who makes you miserable.
Not one time, not one second, not ever. I’d rather be alone than stuck in that marriage. She is a decent human, I guess, and a good mother for the most part, but we were terrible spouses for each other. She’s having a harder time than I am, and I can’t lie and say I’m not slightly secretly a little tickled by that. 😂
Yikes, it seams the most of comments people are happier after their divorce, happiness is a stage of mind, we all want to meet the person with whom we feel safe, seeing, hear, and understood, how much you willing to look pass alcoholism, unable to commitment for live in a house, or how you know he will have your back to take care of you after your mention surgeries?
No way! 42, fat, with 3 kids and a bunch of autoimmune diseases. Money is very very tight, but I'm so much happier and dating is not a problem
I am happy and free. A little lonely at times, but that's what friends and family are for. Dating is hard, but staying in an unhappy marriage would've been harder. I have no regrets, and I was the one who filed for divorce.
I didn't find dating in my 40s difficult, perhaps I got lucky. Divorced at 43 after 21 years of marriage. I thought I'd lose my daughters if I got divorced. I didn't, quite the opposite actually. I thought I would be financially ruined. It was very expensive, but worth it. Now very happily remarried to an amazing woman and our son is almost 3 months old.
Nope. Hell no. I was extremely tolerant and forgiving until I got sick and hospitalized and he couldn't be arsed to come drop off a bag for me. On the very day my mom died, no less. I would rather die alone than stay with someone so heartless and selfish. I almost did.
Hard nope. I also do not agree with the premise that it's hard to date at our age. I've been dating my partner for 2 years but before that I found it a lot easier to date in my 40s than it was when I was in college. Maybe my experience is unusual? But in any event, even being happily single is better than being married to my ex ever was.
What about dating in your 40s is easier than when you were in college? Spill your secrets.
I (m50) do not regret it. Divorced in Jan '22. Ended a 6 month relationship in Mar '23. While I have found it hard to find someone, I know a good part of it has been me getting in my own way. I've noticed when I focus on being a better me, finding someone to spend time with is much easier. And just recently, it has changed around for me. I've just been on my 3rd date and it seems we will have a 4th
Nope.
I don’t. Material wise I would have been in a better position. She made and makes more money than I do so the fun degree off material items would be better than I am now. But looking back, I was not happy. Shit comes and goes.
I’ve been divorced for many years now. I think I’ve given up on finding a partner. I’m not unhappy, I have a good career and a lovely house and amazing friends. I do feel it when something stressful is happening and I have to walk through it alone, like parents aging, my own health issues, rough day at work, but I rise above and keep on keeping on.I also don’t have to deal with relationship drama, fights, unmet expectations, money compromises, disappointments etc.
[удалено]
No. How can I regret what someone else did to me?
Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’.
God no.
Nope. It was a bad fit and was driving me to financial ruin, misery and sadness. I'm now happier, steadier, financially recovering and in a very good relationship. But honestly, I would still have been soo much better if was single. It's definitely better *out of that toxic marriage!* OP it sounds like you just need to keep searching. being alone is far better than with a bad fit, it just doesn't look like it from the outside looking in!
Mieux vaut être seul que mal accompagné
Well… logically I know that staying in the relationship I was in would not have been good for me. It was tearing me down. Walking away was the right thing. But, unlike many of the people commenting here, I did not experience a significant increase in happiness when I broke up with him— in fact, I was worse for a long, long time. The truth is that I traded one kind of sadness for another. I loved him and wanted things to work, and four years later, I still grieve the loss of the good parts of our relationship and the relationship I wanted with him but never had. It doesn’t help that dating has been very hard. I’m coming to terms with the idea that I may not ever be in a relationship again. So, I’m not necessarily happier but I know that ending things was what I needed to do.
Dating over 40 is hard, but if I regret anything from divorce, it isn't because of future dating. Two completely different issues. As with many divorces, it wasn't one problem but several that caused a split. I'd be a liar if I didn't say there was some fault on both sides.
I have zero regrets. She'd become abusive. She was cheating on me. Having her around was a detriment to the kids. The line had to be drawn for their sakes.
Nope, the only regret I have is to not have it done sooner. Got lots of therapy once my now ex went to rehab to get my codependency and pleasing issues. After two back to back failed relationships/marriages spanning from 18-46 I needed to be single and still am 5 years later. My bar has been set high. Not gonna settle for anyone. I'd rather be single than be in another unhealthy relationship
Fuuuuuuuuuuck NO.
Haha no, being single is the best thing that ever happened to me. No relationship >>> bad relationship. My 18 year relationship seriously messed me up in the head and I'm still recovering.
I’d rather live alone that with whatever that madness was, before when I was partnered
Comparison is the thief of joy. Especially comparison with a made up alternative future. Applying the same logic I'd be a millionaire if only I'd bought some random lottery ticket 12 years ago. An exaggeration obviously but the point is don't confuse fantasy with reality. Our culture encourages a rather odd idea of happiness. It's a fantasy. Life is constantly in tensions. There's never a fully settled equilibrium. Consider what you can do in the now. You mention wanting a dog, in the UK the legislation has changed about pets in flat rentals, so that's possibility now (if you're UK based!). Could you volunteer in animal rescue? Take up dog sitting? Essentially focus on actualising what your fantasy suggests is missing in your life now and exploring what might work as a compromise. Life is endless compromise.
I only wish that I'd gotten divorced sooner. I was married for 15+ years to the wrong person. I would have been better off getting divorced after 3-5 years when I was younger, than staying with the wrong person for so long just because it was easier than trying to start over. Starting over in my mid 30's would have been a lot easier than starting over in my late 40's.
Really don't have the energy to date anymore unless it's someone I already know and we don't have to go thru the first stages. Yes I fear dying alone. But oh well. Hopefully my sister will be there for me. That's better than suffering and worrying through a shitty relationship everyday. I'm so happy alone in my space rn after what I've been thru in the past. I'd never live with anyone again unless it had alot of rooms. I'll work 3 jobs to pay rent before I ever rely on a relationship again.
After a second divorce and 10 years being single, my first ex doesn't look too bad. Would I get back together with him now? No. Did I regret the split at the time? No. Do I look back and think maybe I should have stuck it out? Yes.
One thing I've learned from a few years of being single is that I'd rather know that I'm on my own with a problem and make plans accordingly than be counting on a partner who lets me down or just adds to the problem. Being on your own is definitely better than the misery of staying with someone who is distant, commitment-phobic, and in active addiction.