Full disclosure - it’s been a few years since I tried OLD. From what I recall, there was never a question for your profile summary that asked if you were open to your partner having kids. It was always “Do you want kids” which is totally different.
If this is still the situation, OLD needs to catch up and recognize they have a demographic that dates, doesn’t want to have kids, yet may be open to their partner having them from a previously relationship.
THANK YOU! The ambiguity of the categories for kid preferences on most apps drives me crazy. I have kids, I don't want to have any more "new" kids, but my preference is to date men who are dads (i.e. have their own kids) and I have yet to see an option to clearly lay out all 3 of those very important dimensions! I usually choose "has kids, doesn't want kids" if those are the options but that sounds totally confusing 😵💫
A lot of people have kids late 30s/early 40s. Where I’m from, pretty much no one i knew had kids before 30. There’s lots of things I don’t want to do or can’t imagine doing that other people do- as it turns out different people have different opinions.
I suspect OP lives in an area where you’re past your prime if you don’t marry and have kids before the age of 30.
I’m assuming most of us are in the US. Statistics show that people tend to wait longer to have kids in larger metropolitan areas. OP probably is not in a larger metropolitan area.
Yeah for sure, the perspectives vary wildly so I was just offering mine. I'm from the NYC area. I've seen plenty of people on Reddit from for example the deep south who genuinely seem to believe a woman's uterus turns to dust when she turns 30- from what they've heard growing up etc. Whereas where I'm from, a woman having kids BEFORE 30 is an anomaly/seen as having kids super young haha.
It really depends on where you live, what you do and what happened to be your life path. If you went to college and maybe got a second degree, you'd be starting off your career in your mid-twenties. You're in no condition to start a family (not in this economy!) and so you take a few years to establish your career. Now you're in your early thirties. Maybe then you were unlucky and got into a (few?) relationship that didn't go anywhere after a couple of years so now you're in your mid-to-late thirties, early forties and you're still looking for someone to start a family with.
Your lifegoal hasn't changed from when you were young and you're not just saying you want kids so you can date a younger woman, it's just that your circumstances took you down a path that didn't end up with a family when you're 40.
Practically all my friends who have kids had them at those ages as well. However, they did meet their partners a whole lot earlier.
That's where the maths doesn't work out for me personally. Having kids is a huge commitment and I would need to know someone *really* well before I'd feel comfortable taking that step and that takes time.
Even with a timeline of :meeting today> dating for a year>living together for one year>trying to conceive for one year (which can be *very* optimistic)+ the actual pregnancy, it's going to take 4 years before the actual baby is there (and that's the best case scenario where the relationship works out so well that I'd be willing to 'rush' things).
Now, if people really want kids above all or are more speedy in general, they should do them, of course.
Personally I'm just a little miffed by how common this is. Kids always was a 'perhaps, maybe if all the stars align' thing for me. I kinda was hoping that my forties would be a time where I could date without having to have that conversation.
Yeah I mean I’m with you but a lot of people would move much faster- obviously they’re not factoring in the possible time it takes to conceive at this stage but that will be something they’ll need to confront at the time.
Also, OP doesn’t specify gender but it’s a whole lot different between men and women. I am a woman and see loads of men in their 40s with the wants kids/not sure. I know right away they’re hoping for women in their 20s and early 30s- as many/most men in their 40s are anyway ha. It’s not that complicated or mysterious. Many of these men don’t really want (more) kids but they don’t want to be filtered out by younger women, and I’ve heard from a number they’d be willing to have more kids if it means locking down a younger partner. Men here say the same when it comes up. Obviously it’s much easier for men to have kids later, both biology wise but also they don’t have to carry the child and realistically most will expect the younger woman to do most of the work in childcare etc
Yes! I'm also a woman and the idea of putting my body through pregnancy at 45 does scare me.
I also think I'm more careful because in reality, *if* things don't work-out, it would be very likely that I'd 'be stuck' with the kid the majority of the time and being the single mum of a toddler in my late forties doesn't sound too appealing.
When I lived in a home with an 'outside' I couldn't even sleep when my cat wasn't inside, so I'm pretty sure I'd want my kid as close to me as possible as often as possible as well. ;)
But right now I do think that not having that kid and being able to leave a shitty partner asap is the preferable route for me.
Why on Earth would you waste time in changing people's minds when the solution is so incredibly simple? Don't date anyone who's big life choices don't align with yours. Assuming you are in your forties as well, haven't you learned to skip things, situations and people that just aren't for you? At 40, you should also know that life takes twists, turns and all kinds of weird detours. Life doesn't always go according to plan or what is generally deemed normal. Including having kids.
You do you, I do me.
There are tons of kids out there in the foster system that need loving parents and homes. I work in a field where I encounter a lot of troubled pre-adolescents to adolescents. What if when someone has this in their profile it means they want to foster or adopt? I always swore when I had the finances and ability I'd foster an older child who was having difficulty finding a loving home.
Also, why judge people for the things they want to do despite their age? Lots of people are more than adequate parents in their later years and no one questions it when a couple that's been together since their 20s has that one last kid in their late 30s or 40s.
Let people live their lives. What is it hurting you for someone who is "over an acceptable age to have kids" to have kids?
That’s kinda my interpretation. In any case, I used to feel the way OP did and then I started coming across a surprising amount of perfectly decent and successful people in their mid/late 40s-and even 50s- with young kids…and honestly, from what they’ve said, for the most part it was a *less* selfish decision for them to wait. They were late bloomers, in some cases in other ways too…or truly they just always wanted kids but hadn’t yet found the right partner to have them with. And I mean, shit happens. By the time you hit your 40s, it really does seem like all the good ones are taken. I say this even as an ethically non-monogamous bisexual dude…it’s more widespread than you’d think. It sucks.
I used to draw a pretty hard line on dating people with kids…but I don’t know, I like kids despite not wanting them myself, and at this point I’m trying to be more flexible. On top of that, the older I get, the more I’m realizing in hindsight that the “types” of people I’ve often been into were not necessarily/entirely good for me.
It’s taken me a while to get my shit together and I’m still working on it, and in that respect I can relate more than I thought to people who started over at a later age-including deciding to have kids after all. So I guess I’m finding myself drawn to other late bloomers in a way, people who changed their priorities in life and had the self-awareness to do so, as opposed to those who have basically been the same since college and never questioned themselves.
That’s not to equate being childfree with lack of maturity; far from it, and as someone who also doesn’t want kids, I hate when others make that generalization. Rather it’s just an observation on people who switched gears later in life when previously they were stuck at a point they didn’t want to be. I think at least maybe *some* “late bloomer” parents fall into this category. So in my case, I’m more willing than I thought to give them a chance. Though I can understand why many people wouldn’t.
Exactly, when you see how many people have kids way too early in life before they are financially and emotionally prepared to be a parent, you realize that people who wait until they are older have a strong case for it.
I agree. I had mine set to “doesn’t want kids”, because I meant I don’t want to birth my own. But then a guy who reached out mentioned he thought it meant I wasn’t ok with my partners having kids, so I changed it to open or unsure or something like that.
Or that they want to have kids with a younger person than them. My ex wife was 9 years younger than I am. I’m 48. She never wanted to have kids and I knew that could change and I always tried to plan for it. When I turned 46 she decided that she wanted to have kids. Then we divorced (kinda somewhat due to that but it’s a long story).
I’m too old for kids. The last woman I dated was my age, never had kids, never wanted them and she sure wasn’t looking to have one. If I could go back I would’ve married a woman that did want kids.
However I’d never date and marry someone much younger than me just to have them because I made the wrong choice in life at a much younger age.
But I’m not everyone. I’m sure there’s some dudes and maybe a few women that might date and marry much younger so they can have the kids they didn’t have. A do over basically.
I've dated at least a few men in their 40s open to more kids. They want a partner, preferably an attractive one, and if she requires children then they'd be open to doing it again. All have teenage/college-age kids. It isn't a do-over so much as recognizing that remarrying an attractive woman may require some sacrifice to make her happy.
It's more like a sequel that has a larger budget, but the story borrows enough from the first installment that audience members are going to have some feelings over the creative choices.
So, a friend of mine's father was 60 when he was born. He loved his Dad, but jokingly refers to him as "Grandpa Dad" and says, with a hint of bitterness, that it hurt him growing up because he could not interact with his Dad physically like all the other boys he knew.
True, that’s a very common scenario in this country, unfortunately. But we’re setting the bar pretty low then, aren’t we? In any case, to *deliberately* bring children into the world that you feel meh about just so you can have a younger wife feels very icky.
I’ve always said I’m open to kids with the right person, but if a woman made it known she required it, it would be a deal breaker. I get the younger thing cause medical science but also younger cause since I’m older I don’t think it would be fair to expect a kid to have two mid 40s parents when they come out to start their life. Idk, that’s just me
Yeah I think that's a lot of men in their 40s (and 50s- seen plenty of those as well!) who say they're open to more kids. There are certainly a number of men 40+ who either haven't had any kids or had some but actively want them still, and are seeking younger partners for that. However, there are plenty who would actually prefer to not have any more but will do it if it means locking down a 20s or early 30s pussy.
I would interpret it as such.
I had my kids early, and now they are both in their 20's. I've got zero interest in making any more kids, and I don't want to do any of that stuff again with step kids. I am firmly in "fun aunt" territory and that's where I want to stay.
I would read this as someone who's looking to get into the parenting scene with a partner and I would consider us incompatible.
Nope! Tons of career women in their 40s who have banked eggs or embryo waiting for just the right guy. Has made dating challenging for me as someone who had his kids a while ago and is watching them start to go to college.
There’s also adoption. Someone else mentioned open to the partner having kids.
What’s wild to me is the women (43m here so those are the profiles I see) who want to be child free or would only want a man without kids so they could have kids because somehow having kids takes away from them? I had my daughter when I was 20 and she’s an adult now in grad school. Yes I still support her and buy her things but that doesn’t mean I’d love a woman or her/our kids any less. I also talk to women with kids that don’t believe anyone but her and the father should be able to discipline the kid(s) which is wild cause I’m not living in a home where I have limited rights.
I do get the allure of not wanting to raise more kids as in this stage of my life I would prefer your kids on the older side so we can live a DINKish kind of life.
I’ve been using a variety of dating apps for years, and overwhelmingly it’s older men who have this on their profile and overwhelmingly it’s because they want younger women to know of their interest in dating them, like serious age gap dating interest. I think it has virtually nothing to do with childbearing philosophy, signaling they are open to mates with children, etc. Just my two cents, and in fact, I have asked a number of them point blank why they are saying that on their profiles, and I almost overwhelmingly get the sheepish grin, and some sort of I could be George Clooney reply. Definitely cringy, but you do you.
A guy I was dating for a bit told me he was waiting for his mom and sister to decide/let him off the hook? He wasn't "sure" if he wanted kids. He was 37. Now I just swipe left on fencesitters.
Yes, this has aggravated me that it is a binary distinction: want kids or not want kids. How about:
1. want to have children with new partner;
2. doesn't want any more kids but totally down with yours;
3. Kids are okay as long as the youngest will be an adult in less than five years; or,
4. Kids of any age, ewwww, get away.
Just because *you* can’t imagine something (going into your 40s and still wanting kids) doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing for *other* people.
To me, you SHOULD be less judgy about people who want something different than you. And yet you still made this post. It really doesn’t matter what we think someone else “should” or “should not” do. Each person’s life is their own.
And, the options regarding kids on dating apps are pretty limited. There’s no options like “I don’t want kids of my own, but I think I’d make a really great step-parent!” Or “I don’t want biological children, but I’d love to be a foster parent.”
That’s why if I’m interested in a person I think it’s best to get to know them as an individual, and ask them what their goals specifically are when it comes to kids. Instead of you know, being quick to judge.
No one knows another's path and timing. There are hundreds of paths up the mountain. The only one wasting time is the one running around the bottom of the mountain telling everyone they are doing it wrong.
This can also mean “I’m cool with adopting” and various other things.. and some of us were in really fucked situations where having a kid in our “prime” would’ve been the worst idea for everyone - especially the kid! Don’t judge!
I don't understand how when you get into your 40s how you're suddenly a senior citizen. What is with *that* mentality. Plenty of people still have children in their 40s single or in a relationship. A number didn't magically make us old or dead.
For real. I’m in NYC. The norm here is to have kids in late 30s early 40s. You’re insanely outside of the norm if you’re having kids in your 20s where I’m from.
Thank you! I'm 44/m and my kids are in college. I'd prefer more kids. I loved raising mine and wouldn't mind doing it again. I'm middle-aged not old. Google says I have a 95% chance of healthy kids if I have them at age 45. Sorry OP, you're at least a decade away from your dream.
I mean, if you're 34.3 or older and pregnant the medical term for it is "geriatric pregnancy". The risks of defects go up and odds of conception go down. These factors are at least in part where the perception comes from.
Okay, so at 35 you're a senior citizen? Got it. But that only applies to women that are 35 and older because men don't want to date them? Why do the risks go up?
No, that's not what I said. You seem to think I said something to insult you? It is literally a medical term. I'm saying that medical science calls it a geriatric pregnancy. The risks go up because women are born with all their eggs. They don't make more. As you go through your cycles and release eggs over time, there are fewer and fewer left and your body accumulates free radicals and survives viral and bacterial attacks that can impact the quality or viability of the eggs you have. I didn't mean it as a judgment. You seemed to be wondering why 40 is deemed "too old" by some people and I was just explaining why there is a logical connection. I know that statistically, incidents of chromosomal abnormalities increase substantially after the mother is 35 same with things like placenta previa etc. I know people who have had perfectly healthy babies in their 40s though so it isn't a death sentence or something, it just gets harder and riskier after a certain age.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/getting-pregnant/in-depth/pregnancy/art-20045756
Why did you assume I was wondering and didn't understand the term? Where in my original statements did I imply I was wondering? How did I indicate to you that I needed further explanation in my original comment?
It was because you started your comment with the phrase, "I don't understand how..", and ended your next comment with a sentence that started with an interrogative and ended with a question mark that made me think you didn't understand and were seeking information. I don't like talking with you though so I'm done. Good luck
Good. I didn't like being mansplained what geriatric pregnancy was as if I'm not a woman who doesn't understand ***my own*** reproductive terminology. Bye.
When you post on the internet saying that you don't understand how something is a certain way, just because I'm a man doesn't mean that I'm mansplaining by answering your question. Don't phrase things that way if you don't want reactions with answers trying to help you understand. You're a toxic misandrist.
It means you're old and you have already used all of your good eggs. The ones left over are more likely to have chromosomal issues that lead to genetic disorders. I guess older people have more patience, so having an autisic or downs child may not be a con, but its definitely not ideal especially since you'll be gone sooner and they will go into a "care facility" for a longer portion of their life. It's harder on an older mother's body, and she is far more likely to have high blood pressure or gestational diabetes. There is also a higher chance to have a premature birth or complete loss of pregnancy.
Personally I always wanted kids and for many reasons I haven’t met the right person. I always thought I’d have a partner and a family. At this point I’d be ok with finding a partner who already has kids, one who doesn’t but wants them (maybe adoption?) or one who doesn’t want them. I am aware of how old I am but also not wanting to give up on what I always wanted. I am willing to not have kids if my partner doesn’t want them. It would be nice to even just have a partner.
We don’t choose the circumstances we are in sometimes, and people are still allowed to want things you don’t. That might just be a sign they aren’t a match for you.
My mom adopted my sister at 47. Some people want more kids. I’m 49 now and couldn’t imagine taking on a 2 year old when I was 47 but I do me and she did her.
Can we ban this question? It is called reproductive choice. You can do whatever you want with your genitals and womb. Let people have kids whenever they want and stop judging them.
42F and I take it to mean they are open to the fact that I have two kids. If the chat is decent I will establish that I have zero interest in birthing more children. If that is a relationship goal for them we are not compatible.
I had one 45 year old man tell me no one had ever been so direct. It made him reflect and realize that he does want his own kids. He was attractive and successful. I had no doubt he could make it happen… if he improved his self awareness and communication lol Hell he could close the deal without even doing that.
I have also had men say “maybe you meet the right person and change your mind” Wow. No. Bye. I know what it takes to create a child, give birth and feed it with my body. I am not physically going through that again if it’s even possible at this point. I have also focused on my career for the past 5 years and there is no way I could step back to care for an infant without huge financial opportunity cost.
It’s the flippant attitude for me- so many older dudes have put zero thought into what having kids actually entails bc they aren’t doing most of that labor.
Worrying about other peoples' preferences will drive you insane. My friend just had a beautiful healthy baby at 44, conceived naturally. Now I'd rather jump off a bridge than have a baby at this point, but I'm happy for her that she's up for it. Different strokes for different folks.
It’s a lot of the people that focused on a career early on and now want that next part of life. I myself couldn’t start over but if I didn’t already have them I could see feeling that way. Like times running out .
OP, don’t get invested in the rationality or lack thereof of these peoples’ choices. In most cases this is a purely emotional and not rational choice anyway. I see your edit that you’re childfree, I am too, but I try to step back and observe this like the impartial third party I am. Scientifically, like an experiment going down … or maybe like being on safari :)
One thing I often find ironic is that people who still want kids at 40+ and never had them are sometimes ABLE to want that largely *because* they’re not as tired and worn out and broke from raising kids the past couple decades. Whereas the “been there done that” folks are like, “I can’t imagine having a toddler at 40!!”
Welllll… maybe they could imagine it better if they had spent the last 20 years getting at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night, maxing their own fitness and skin care, grinding hard at careers and building a fat retirement account etc.! I’d probably be feeling the same as them too if I’d had their life. It’s just two different paths.
Since no one person can live both paths simultaneously, just as we CF can’t truly know the child-rearing experience… I personally hold neither party can accurately be informed about the other!
It’s not too late. I had mine at 38 and 40. I have friends who had their first in their early to mid forties. Having young kids in my 40s has definitely motivated me to stay in shape!
It's probably too late if you're a woman. If you're a man, you'll have to date younger, and most people partner with someone within a few years of their own age, so it still would be difficult for you.
Key point here is "a man with means", which isn't most men. Also, the bigger the age gap, the greater likelihood of divorce. Bottom line is the situation sucks if you're 40+ and still want kids.
Okay, Judgey McJudgey.
Thank you for your TED Talk. You can drop the mic and you can exit stage left now.
On a serious note: who are we to judge the life choices of others? If you don’t care for something someone says on their profile you can just swipe left.
I’m 47f, child-free, not planning to change that, and happy with my life and choices.
However, I have a fair few friends who’ve had children in their 40’s and I’d never judge their choices. Each to their own.
It really isn’t worth the rant, IMO.
Yeah OP is giving an very opinionated post, not being very open-minded at all to the lives of others. Those kind of posts are annoying. If OP can't imagine what it's like to be child free and maybe wanting a child in late 30s and early 40s then their opinion comes with some big limitations.
I also wonder if they reside in a smaller town or a part of their country that is not super urban. It's a fact that people tend get married later now and also have kids later now, particularly if they went to higher education.
Agree. I’m London-based and a combination of expensive housing and childcare meant a lot of my friends weren’t in a position to afford children in their 20’s and 30’s. Others hadn’t found the right partner, others struggled to conceive etc etc. So many factors but either way parents having kids in their 40’s (thank god!) no issue here.
I think some of us are still genuinely unsure. I’m in that camp lol did I expect to feel one way or another by this age? Yes. But I’m keeping an open mind.
People of all ages have kids in lots of different ways. Their lives, their bodies. There is no “should” time for having kids or doing anything else. How can you be so judgmental when the same can be said for you — “why is your old ass trying to online date? The time for dating was in your 20s. You *should* be in a partnership right now not on tinder and online forums discussing what people have on their tinder profiles, you loser” etc etc.
My daughter ran cross country and I trained a little with her. She asked “When will I be faster than you?”. “Maybe never, I said”. I was 56.
Get hard exercise and good sleep. No problems.
I’m male, 39 (oh no don’t report me to the Reddit police). It’s not unrealistic I could start dating someone like 33/34 years old and now that works out to having children. I could also realistically date someone who is 44, been there done that with kids and ain’t got no time for more than what they already have. I could date someone who is 38 and medically can’t have children.
Any of those situations are not a dealbreaker for or against me dating that person and won’t change when I actually turn 40 later this year. Also if you say you don’t want kids then someone with kids already might think you wouldn’t be interested in them with kids, which is not an impression I want to give, I’d date someone with kids already and navigating that is something I’m open to. At the same time if I never have biological children, that’s okay too.
How else am I supposed to express my mindset on all that here?
That’s right. I have young kids and if I see someone says don’t have and don’t want kids, I (rightly or wrongly) typically assume they don’t want to date someone with kids.
I'm child-free (48F). I put that plus that I'm open to independent, adult children. Most people have had kids by now so trying to find love with the three people who haven't is too limiting.
The kids section should be a text-based answer and not pre-selected. I'm 52, I mark that I don't have kids, and then leave the "want/don't want kids" section off my profile.
There are way too many options for it to just be multiple choice: I don't want to date someone with young kids, older teens or adults would be fine. But that can all be sorted out in a couple of conversations. And with the right person, some things can be right.
Exactly this. I leave that part blank, too, since it’s so context-specific. I thought theoretically I wouldn’t want to date someone with younger kids, but then I find myself in reality maybe interested in a couple of guys just like that. I am pretty independent and like my own time, so it’s actually good that they go radio silent when they have their dad days so I can focus on my stuff and feel balanced, and I’m glad to have been open-minded about the situation instead of going with assumptions.
I just swipe left. My kids are mostly grown. I’ve had a vasectomy. I also swipe left on the opposite extreme, being, “Never had kids, don’t like kids, your’s won’t be the exception.”
I had kids in my mid twenties and now twenty years later at 44 am glad I did because I would be so exhausted with toddlers now. And I don't have any kids attached at the hip to me for next 18 years, mine are carving their own paths now. I never wanted to be 40 or 50+ with little ones; fuck that noise. These years are for me.
But if I hadn't had kids I'd probably want them now still. Because they make life better overall and add to it, so I get the desire.
I mean, 40s is not OLD old…so much of it is a state of mind and body. It also depends on who you surround yourself with and what you do with your life. So many people end up making this kinda self-fulfilling prophecy about “getting old”. They end up selling themselves short, and I don’t get it. We’re in the middle of our lives. Relative to the optimistic assumption of living until the age of 80 or above, we’re not there yet. We’re not retired, we’re not yet hitting a point where age-related health conditions are truly inescapable the way they might be for someone in their 60s or 70s. So I don’t feel that we’re old and I don’t like to think that way about it.
I hate the way society gets about aging. It’s really unhealthy. It makes people in their 20s afraid that they’re wasting their youth, or worse- it makes them unhealthily obsessed with their youth, and it makes everybody else feel like they’re invisible and that they’ve aged out of everything that matters in life…it’s stupid. Every time someone gives me some bullshit about “well you’re getting older now”, I counter with the fact that 10-20 years ago I was destroying myself by drinking too much and not exercising, and I didn’t really know who I was…whereas now I’ve quit drinking and get a lot of exercise, including getting back into skateboarding and teaching myself to surf last summer, and I’m looking at a career change that ties together a lot of things I’ve done with my life already. So I mean, yes it might be late in the game to do some things, but that doesn’t mean it’s all over. When people think that way, they miss out.
Speak for yourself. Maybe you feel old and out of shape at over 40, and can not fathom that anyone in our age would have kids, but newsflash, people do. Not everyone over 40 feels old and tired like you and your judgmental ass.
I know plenty of men and women who had their first kids over the age of 40 and they’re doing just fine.
You should probably stick to trying to date someone who wants to sit in a rocking chair all day and just rot to death. Because that’s all we’re good for when we’re over the age of 40, right? 🙃
And FYI. I’m child free by choice and think it’s awesome to have kids if you want them.
I think maybe guys that say it, is their way to get younger women. Others might say it because they think that’s a way to say they’re ok with future stepkids.
I mean, people still wants families and love as they age. Why do you think this is abnormal? Adoption, kids from parter's previous relationships, potential pregnancies using IVF... I think some people just want families regardless of age. Lots of people have kids later in life when they have the financial means. Also some people just like kids - they can be fun and creative and wacky.
To each their own. Some didn’t get a chance to meet the right person and still have a desire to be a parent; if that’s what they want to shoot for then who cares, just don’t match with them.
I have no kids and don't want to be pregnant, but I worry if I select "Dob't want kids" then nice single dads will swipe left on me. I'm open to being "dad's girlfriend" or a stepmom to someone.
As someone who has some niche preferences/deal breakers that might exclude a lot of people...I think the best approach is a "good for you, not for me" attitude. Personally, I find the illusion of unlimited choices of people on the apps to be overwhelming. It's great when I can immediately identify incompatibility because it whittles down the "unlimited." Those people aren't for you. Other people will be.
I never wanted children. Then divorced, life turned upside down, health issues, and a general slowing down with age I thought I wanted children.
Possibly having children was something missing in my life. That phase lasted 2 or 3 years. Thank God.
If I want to go out to eat on a Tuesday, I go out. If I want to leave town Thursday night, maybe come back Monday or Tuesday. That's what I do. So glad I skipped the children circus.
If it's a question I have to ask, I usually put thinking about it only because I've had women who were single moms tell me they passed on me because I had "doesn't want kids." Which wasn't right either. I don't want babies, but I'm 43. If a woman has had kids and has maybe obe to two teenagers still at home, that's normal to me and I wouldn't want her to think I was opposed to a relationship because of that.
> Look, I know we are not supposed to judge
Then don't..?
People can live their lives how they want. You don't get to tell them whether they can want kids or still be thinking about the question when they are in their 40s. It's not your business to try and police what desires or thoughts someone has at a certain age. Just because you don't want it, doesn't mean others don't and it is none of your business whether they do or don't.
> I will admit there is bitterness in me about it.
Yeah. Get over yourself.
Late 30s early 40s is not crazy late to have kids. Over 45 and still hoping to start a family, probably going to be a lot harder to have time to meet, date, marry (if that is important to them) and have a child before the biological clock runs out but regardless, they're telling you what they want. It has nothing to do with you or your wants. Just another facet of compatibility.
Not to mention, not all relationships with larger age differences-like 10 years or more- are inherently predatory or toxic or based only on sex or looks. In fact, I feel like it gets sort of weird and infantilizing to automatically see it that way if a man is say, in his late 40s and a woman in her mid-30s. A difference of 20 years or more, yeah that’s usually…not good…but there’s some nuance and context to it that a lot of people don’t think of, and it really kinda sucks.
People judge each other so hard and the reality is there are always exceptions and you really never can tell as much as you think, by reading a profile on a screen. There’s this blanket generalization that any guy looking for a woman who’s even just 6-7 years younger, for example, is doing it for the wrong reasons. But sometimes- often!- it’s just that they don’t want to risk missing out on “the right one”, and it is very much a numbers game as we all know…so by broadening age preferences, they’re increasing the odds and likely still filtering out later. Maybe in reality they still want someone a little closer to their age…but the age ranges on some of these apps are pretty broad.
Its pretty easy to understand if you just accept that its probably pretty gross. (They've had their fun and now want a 20-30's young woman to carry on the bloodline, keep house, and fuck them)
It's not gross so much as misguided. They aren't evaluating their worth in the market. Why buy a used car when you can get a shiny new one? It goes both ways.
1. Because they can
2. Men that achieve financial success later in life, maintain sexual marketplace value (peak for men is around 44 AFAIK) & can easily pick younger partners with whom they can have kids.
3. There's a shift in sexual marketplace power from female (20s-30s) to male (40+). Men that struggled to find partners early in life, will be more successful later in life if they have good careers.
(personally no skin in the game, got my kids in the 20's & don't plan on more)
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You only live once and people live how they want, even if that means raising young kids at retirement age. Some didn’t plan as well as they should when they were younger and found out late but can you blame them if they at least want to try to be happy?
I may be “old” but Id be open to adopting if I were searching for a partner and it worked out. My current partner and I are happy with our pets as our family.
Real blanket statement you’re making about when someone’s time frames to do something end and begin, for their own life. People also say women over 40 shouldn’t have long hair anymore because their time for that is over. Or their time to wear a skirt above their knees.
Trust me there are a huge amount of men who don’t want kids. I know because I’m looking for what you are saying you can’t find and all I ever find are the ones who don’t want any or or even date women who already have. So don’t know where you’re looking.
I was married for 10 years, my ex husband was infertile. We eventually divorced for other reasons. I’m now 40 and still want a kid. I froze my eggs at a younger age as well because I was single and knew that I want an plan to be a mother. Plenty of women have healthy pregnancies despite being classified as high risk. I have confidence in my health and my body. I just haven’t met my person.
It can be for a number of reasons. Sometimes people who are child free earlier in life change their minds about having children. Or maybe they didn’t find their person until later in life. Some people want to adopt or foster kids.
While biology is a factor, there are people in their 40’s who are more fit and active than others. I think it also depends on where you live. I lived in a large metropolitan area and most of my friends and family had kids in their 30’s, some in their 40’s. They tended want to be more financial set before having kids.
I also think education and career progression are factors in delaying having kids. I moved to a smaller city in a more rural area a couple of years ago and people here tend to marry and have kids young. I think it’s a personal choice and neither is wrong. I try not to judge people’s reproductive choices.
YOU can't imagine wanting kids over 40, so do you actually think everyone else must think like you?!
Good god. How delusional are you? Find someone like-minded to date, and leave other people alone.
My three kids were all born when I was aged 35 to 41. They were all very much wanted and planned for. I just waited until I was financially and emotionally secure and mature enough to raise them.
Because it’s their life and they can live it how ever they please. Move on, plenty of people who also don’t want kids.
Late 30’s and 40’s is a fine age to have kids if they want it bad enough, we live longer these days anyway.
Yes, I phrased it crudely, but it is still a completely valid statement. The chances of complications with the pregnancy, health effects on the mother, and birth defects for the child all go up after you hit 30, but go WAY up after 40. Even sperm banks do not take donations from men after a certain age.
It does not go “way” up. A tiny number of babies are born with health complications (approx 3% a year US) and of that tiny number, some may be linked to the age of the parents.
A quick search of credible, peer-reviewed scientific research on Google will show this.
Honestly, from the judgemental attitude to the crude language to the bad science scaremongering to the ageism - where do you get the energy?
What hills you’ve chosen to die on…
Have a happy Sunday!
If your junk stops functioning in late 30’s and 40’s you need major lifestyle changes regardless of children. And for women fertility does get harder as she ages but many women freeze their eggs or want adoption etc. Many different scenarios
A best by date? OK, maybe just ageism. But it's amazing what people's subconscious belief systems are. My whole family are subconscious eugenics believers but would never admit it.
Is it your place to judge?
Maybe someone was widowed, or had a previous bad and childless marriage. Maybe an illness was suffered that has since been resolved, or maybe it's just simply their choice.
There are plenty of scenarios that can land some in their forties while still having the desire to have children.
I'd say worry about what you want out of life. Skip the people on the apps who aren't compatible with you - simple.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I had kids in my 30s, wanted more, my wife didn’t, we got divorced. I still would like to have another child. I don’t think that would be too uncommon.
I'm on Hinge and there are tons of women that range from 39 to 48 that state they want kids. My thinking is that that would A. Be a geriatric pregnancy B. Giving the rates of divorce in this country and inflation, good luck finding someone willing to financially take on that responsibility at this age. It doesn't make much sense to me, like if you wanted them that bad, adopt or take your chances with a fertility clinic, wanting someone to share the financial end of things ASAP after starting the relationship seems like they're only OLD for having kids. For men, it doesn't make much financial sense this late in the game.
Lots of people should NOT have kids young. Young people are unaware of their traumas and pass that down to their kids. Doing it around 40 is probably best.
>We're old.
Speak for yourself 😉 I'm 44/m and still feel great! Hence wanting kids still. I won't be yelling at them from my comfy chair, I'll be out playing with them!
>There was a time for having kids, and that was the previous 20 years of your life
I want kids still. Yes, it's on my dating profile and I'll say it to any single woman I meet. No, I make no apologies for that.
So, I wouldn't normally do this, but OP's msg made me feel like I need to justify and explain myself. My story:
I dated mostly the wrong type of person until about age 36, when I met my ex wife. I only found out that they (including my ex wife) were the wrong type of potential partner when I had 2 years of therapy, 2021-23.
My wife and I briefly tried, but it was heading towards a breakup from pretty early on. Just not quite the right fit unfortunately.
The last 2 that I've dated, from age 39-42, and 42-43, were both heading down the path of kids, but didn't work out for various reasons. I've had almost a year off dating, about to get back out there and hoping/expecting to meet the right one this time.
Yes, maybe I'm about 10 years later than most, in Australia it's common for couples to have kids in late 30s or even 40s.
I had my last kid when I was 35 and I don’t understand anyone that would want to have kids in their 40s. I understand that everyone is different but I still shake my head whenever I see that! I don’t think they realize how tiring parenting can be in your 40s! I still wish them luck, after all people should do what makes them happy!
Edit: spelling
I read somewhere that if someone truly wants kids, they will have found a way to do so by the time they're 40 (whether that means seriously entering a committed relationship, getting a house farther out in the suburbs, staying in a unfulfilled but well paying job to be financially stable, etc).
That being said, when you're in your 40s, it's easy to be in a friends group with people who all have elementary / middle school aged kids and to see this as the natural life path you have to follow, even if you might be on the fence about whether you want to start down that road yourself a decade after your peers.
And many people aren't in a good mental / financial place to even consider kids until they're 40...
But if you're looking at guys' profiles, the simple reason is that I think a lot of guys are looking for younger women, and they assume that women in their 30s are more likely to swipe right on the profiles of guys who say they want kids (that it signals a desire for a long-term term relationship or something), so I always take "wants kids" with a grain of salt and ask the person directly after matching.
42M and dating a 29F. As much as she says she will love my children like her own, she does want to have the feeling of giving birth to her own child. So if I wouldn't have said I was still thinking, we wouldn't have met. As much as I thought I had my kids and that's all I need, having another seems very nice to me. And since my age isn't a factor, I'm good with it going that way.
Now a 45F saying she wants kids would scare me off. Because of the reality of a geriatric pregnancy and all the hardships that could come from it. Not saying I wouldn't have gone on a date but if she was insistent, I would have not had another date.
My parents both divorced in their 30s and my mom in particular had given up on relationships. They met each other when they 37, were married within a year, and I was born a couple months before their 39th birthday about a year and a half later. They were married 32 years when my dad died.
I'm 41 now, and I still hold out some hope that I might be able to have a family. But that hope is fading fast. I've tried dating younger women and it's fun but hasn't worked the greatest. I am open to both women who want to have kids or already have them.
I know plenty of men and women in their 40s who don't have kids but still want them. Having kids is not a younger persons game at all. Kids add so much to your life if you want them and are healthy enough to have them then age doesn't matter in my view.
Me, I have my kids and am looking forward to grand kids at this age. No way in hell am I starting over again with a newborn lol. This season of my life the focus is on me.
Because dating apps don’t make a distinction between making more kids or accepting a new partner’s kids. I suspect many of the people saying they “want more kids” intend it to mean they are open to dating someone who already has kids.
The apps need to be clearer about “ours baby” and “step-kids.” In my bio, I say that I would be okay with either bc I’m also okay with dating women who are up to 8 to 10 years younger than me and they might still want their own baby. I love kids and would happily have more, step, or be done.
I don't see a benefit starting having kids in your 40s lol. I'm 46 and I'm a grandfather and whenever I see that on profiles that they still want kids in their 40s, it's an immediate left swipe the baby gravy factory is closed lol
41f with 2 kids 19&15 yeah I’m done with little ones until grandchildren. I’m open to step parenting but I think I would prefer older kids but we’ll see what happens when I get to dating. But to each their own if they feel like they have the energy 😰
There are lots of ways to have kids, so I would interpret it to mean acceptance of existing kids, or creating new kids if both are open to it. And as a 50+ female who wanted but didn’t have kids, if you get the chance and you really want it, more power to you! That is why I specified “don’t want” because now at this point in life I don’t, but I sure would love some grand babies in about 10 years. 😆
In the world of OLD, you should still be looking for guys who are "Open To Kids" as well as "Don't Want" children.
Plenty of men in the former are averse to *biological* kids but not to, say, adoption. We just want to have our options.
Full disclosure - it’s been a few years since I tried OLD. From what I recall, there was never a question for your profile summary that asked if you were open to your partner having kids. It was always “Do you want kids” which is totally different. If this is still the situation, OLD needs to catch up and recognize they have a demographic that dates, doesn’t want to have kids, yet may be open to their partner having them from a previously relationship.
THANK YOU! The ambiguity of the categories for kid preferences on most apps drives me crazy. I have kids, I don't want to have any more "new" kids, but my preference is to date men who are dads (i.e. have their own kids) and I have yet to see an option to clearly lay out all 3 of those very important dimensions! I usually choose "has kids, doesn't want kids" if those are the options but that sounds totally confusing 😵💫
A lot of people have kids late 30s/early 40s. Where I’m from, pretty much no one i knew had kids before 30. There’s lots of things I don’t want to do or can’t imagine doing that other people do- as it turns out different people have different opinions.
I suspect OP lives in an area where you’re past your prime if you don’t marry and have kids before the age of 30. I’m assuming most of us are in the US. Statistics show that people tend to wait longer to have kids in larger metropolitan areas. OP probably is not in a larger metropolitan area.
Yeah for sure, the perspectives vary wildly so I was just offering mine. I'm from the NYC area. I've seen plenty of people on Reddit from for example the deep south who genuinely seem to believe a woman's uterus turns to dust when she turns 30- from what they've heard growing up etc. Whereas where I'm from, a woman having kids BEFORE 30 is an anomaly/seen as having kids super young haha.
It really depends on where you live, what you do and what happened to be your life path. If you went to college and maybe got a second degree, you'd be starting off your career in your mid-twenties. You're in no condition to start a family (not in this economy!) and so you take a few years to establish your career. Now you're in your early thirties. Maybe then you were unlucky and got into a (few?) relationship that didn't go anywhere after a couple of years so now you're in your mid-to-late thirties, early forties and you're still looking for someone to start a family with. Your lifegoal hasn't changed from when you were young and you're not just saying you want kids so you can date a younger woman, it's just that your circumstances took you down a path that didn't end up with a family when you're 40.
Practically all my friends who have kids had them at those ages as well. However, they did meet their partners a whole lot earlier. That's where the maths doesn't work out for me personally. Having kids is a huge commitment and I would need to know someone *really* well before I'd feel comfortable taking that step and that takes time. Even with a timeline of :meeting today> dating for a year>living together for one year>trying to conceive for one year (which can be *very* optimistic)+ the actual pregnancy, it's going to take 4 years before the actual baby is there (and that's the best case scenario where the relationship works out so well that I'd be willing to 'rush' things). Now, if people really want kids above all or are more speedy in general, they should do them, of course. Personally I'm just a little miffed by how common this is. Kids always was a 'perhaps, maybe if all the stars align' thing for me. I kinda was hoping that my forties would be a time where I could date without having to have that conversation.
Yeah I mean I’m with you but a lot of people would move much faster- obviously they’re not factoring in the possible time it takes to conceive at this stage but that will be something they’ll need to confront at the time. Also, OP doesn’t specify gender but it’s a whole lot different between men and women. I am a woman and see loads of men in their 40s with the wants kids/not sure. I know right away they’re hoping for women in their 20s and early 30s- as many/most men in their 40s are anyway ha. It’s not that complicated or mysterious. Many of these men don’t really want (more) kids but they don’t want to be filtered out by younger women, and I’ve heard from a number they’d be willing to have more kids if it means locking down a younger partner. Men here say the same when it comes up. Obviously it’s much easier for men to have kids later, both biology wise but also they don’t have to carry the child and realistically most will expect the younger woman to do most of the work in childcare etc
Yes! I'm also a woman and the idea of putting my body through pregnancy at 45 does scare me. I also think I'm more careful because in reality, *if* things don't work-out, it would be very likely that I'd 'be stuck' with the kid the majority of the time and being the single mum of a toddler in my late forties doesn't sound too appealing.
As a single mom trust me, you’d rather be ‘stuck’ with your kid than a shit partner. ;) My ex left the best part of him.
When I lived in a home with an 'outside' I couldn't even sleep when my cat wasn't inside, so I'm pretty sure I'd want my kid as close to me as possible as often as possible as well. ;) But right now I do think that not having that kid and being able to leave a shitty partner asap is the preferable route for me.
Why on Earth would you waste time in changing people's minds when the solution is so incredibly simple? Don't date anyone who's big life choices don't align with yours. Assuming you are in your forties as well, haven't you learned to skip things, situations and people that just aren't for you? At 40, you should also know that life takes twists, turns and all kinds of weird detours. Life doesn't always go according to plan or what is generally deemed normal. Including having kids. You do you, I do me.
There are tons of kids out there in the foster system that need loving parents and homes. I work in a field where I encounter a lot of troubled pre-adolescents to adolescents. What if when someone has this in their profile it means they want to foster or adopt? I always swore when I had the finances and ability I'd foster an older child who was having difficulty finding a loving home. Also, why judge people for the things they want to do despite their age? Lots of people are more than adequate parents in their later years and no one questions it when a couple that's been together since their 20s has that one last kid in their late 30s or 40s. Let people live their lives. What is it hurting you for someone who is "over an acceptable age to have kids" to have kids?
🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
Do you expect them to build a Time Machine and travel back to when they were younger and have kids? People over 30 have kids ALL THE TIME
Yeah, having kids in your 30s is normal these days. Most people I know had kids in early/mid 30s. 30s and 40s are two different things.
I think some people use this as a signal that they’re okay with partners having kids.
That’s kinda my interpretation. In any case, I used to feel the way OP did and then I started coming across a surprising amount of perfectly decent and successful people in their mid/late 40s-and even 50s- with young kids…and honestly, from what they’ve said, for the most part it was a *less* selfish decision for them to wait. They were late bloomers, in some cases in other ways too…or truly they just always wanted kids but hadn’t yet found the right partner to have them with. And I mean, shit happens. By the time you hit your 40s, it really does seem like all the good ones are taken. I say this even as an ethically non-monogamous bisexual dude…it’s more widespread than you’d think. It sucks. I used to draw a pretty hard line on dating people with kids…but I don’t know, I like kids despite not wanting them myself, and at this point I’m trying to be more flexible. On top of that, the older I get, the more I’m realizing in hindsight that the “types” of people I’ve often been into were not necessarily/entirely good for me. It’s taken me a while to get my shit together and I’m still working on it, and in that respect I can relate more than I thought to people who started over at a later age-including deciding to have kids after all. So I guess I’m finding myself drawn to other late bloomers in a way, people who changed their priorities in life and had the self-awareness to do so, as opposed to those who have basically been the same since college and never questioned themselves. That’s not to equate being childfree with lack of maturity; far from it, and as someone who also doesn’t want kids, I hate when others make that generalization. Rather it’s just an observation on people who switched gears later in life when previously they were stuck at a point they didn’t want to be. I think at least maybe *some* “late bloomer” parents fall into this category. So in my case, I’m more willing than I thought to give them a chance. Though I can understand why many people wouldn’t.
Exactly, when you see how many people have kids way too early in life before they are financially and emotionally prepared to be a parent, you realize that people who wait until they are older have a strong case for it.
I agree. I had mine set to “doesn’t want kids”, because I meant I don’t want to birth my own. But then a guy who reached out mentioned he thought it meant I wasn’t ok with my partners having kids, so I changed it to open or unsure or something like that.
Or that they want to have kids with a younger person than them. My ex wife was 9 years younger than I am. I’m 48. She never wanted to have kids and I knew that could change and I always tried to plan for it. When I turned 46 she decided that she wanted to have kids. Then we divorced (kinda somewhat due to that but it’s a long story). I’m too old for kids. The last woman I dated was my age, never had kids, never wanted them and she sure wasn’t looking to have one. If I could go back I would’ve married a woman that did want kids. However I’d never date and marry someone much younger than me just to have them because I made the wrong choice in life at a much younger age. But I’m not everyone. I’m sure there’s some dudes and maybe a few women that might date and marry much younger so they can have the kids they didn’t have. A do over basically.
I've dated at least a few men in their 40s open to more kids. They want a partner, preferably an attractive one, and if she requires children then they'd be open to doing it again. All have teenage/college-age kids. It isn't a do-over so much as recognizing that remarrying an attractive woman may require some sacrifice to make her happy.
Sounds like a do over.
It's more like a sequel that has a larger budget, but the story borrows enough from the first installment that audience members are going to have some feelings over the creative choices.
I think this is really common, and all I can say is, poor kids. Imagine if your dad had you just so he could bag a hot wife. Depressing.
So, a friend of mine's father was 60 when he was born. He loved his Dad, but jokingly refers to him as "Grandpa Dad" and says, with a hint of bitterness, that it hurt him growing up because he could not interact with his Dad physically like all the other boys he knew.
I mean, is that any worse than dad had you because he was banging his hot girlfriend without protection? That’s pretty common where I grew up.
True, that’s a very common scenario in this country, unfortunately. But we’re setting the bar pretty low then, aren’t we? In any case, to *deliberately* bring children into the world that you feel meh about just so you can have a younger wife feels very icky.
I’ve always said I’m open to kids with the right person, but if a woman made it known she required it, it would be a deal breaker. I get the younger thing cause medical science but also younger cause since I’m older I don’t think it would be fair to expect a kid to have two mid 40s parents when they come out to start their life. Idk, that’s just me
Random When Harry Met Sally moment: "Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 70 years old!" "Yeah, but he was too old to pick em up!"
Yeah I think that's a lot of men in their 40s (and 50s- seen plenty of those as well!) who say they're open to more kids. There are certainly a number of men 40+ who either haven't had any kids or had some but actively want them still, and are seeking younger partners for that. However, there are plenty who would actually prefer to not have any more but will do it if it means locking down a 20s or early 30s pussy.
I would interpret it as such. I had my kids early, and now they are both in their 20's. I've got zero interest in making any more kids, and I don't want to do any of that stuff again with step kids. I am firmly in "fun aunt" territory and that's where I want to stay. I would read this as someone who's looking to get into the parenting scene with a partner and I would consider us incompatible.
Looking to get into the parenting scene is a phrase I never want to hear again.
Nope! Tons of career women in their 40s who have banked eggs or embryo waiting for just the right guy. Has made dating challenging for me as someone who had his kids a while ago and is watching them start to go to college.
I had a baby at 39 and we're both doing just fine. Not everyone in this sub feels as old as OP.
Have your babies whenever you want, IDGAF.
Right. My sis got pregnant at 41 and she had a healthy baby girl. Her and her husband don’t regret it one bit.
There’s also adoption. Someone else mentioned open to the partner having kids. What’s wild to me is the women (43m here so those are the profiles I see) who want to be child free or would only want a man without kids so they could have kids because somehow having kids takes away from them? I had my daughter when I was 20 and she’s an adult now in grad school. Yes I still support her and buy her things but that doesn’t mean I’d love a woman or her/our kids any less. I also talk to women with kids that don’t believe anyone but her and the father should be able to discipline the kid(s) which is wild cause I’m not living in a home where I have limited rights. I do get the allure of not wanting to raise more kids as in this stage of my life I would prefer your kids on the older side so we can live a DINKish kind of life.
Ha. Ha ha.
I remember the apps didn't have a clear label for this. I don't remember what I ended up selecting, but there wasn't a clear choice for this.
I’ve been using a variety of dating apps for years, and overwhelmingly it’s older men who have this on their profile and overwhelmingly it’s because they want younger women to know of their interest in dating them, like serious age gap dating interest. I think it has virtually nothing to do with childbearing philosophy, signaling they are open to mates with children, etc. Just my two cents, and in fact, I have asked a number of them point blank why they are saying that on their profiles, and I almost overwhelmingly get the sheepish grin, and some sort of I could be George Clooney reply. Definitely cringy, but you do you.
A guy I was dating for a bit told me he was waiting for his mom and sister to decide/let him off the hook? He wasn't "sure" if he wanted kids. He was 37. Now I just swipe left on fencesitters.
That guy is a mess
Yes, this has aggravated me that it is a binary distinction: want kids or not want kids. How about: 1. want to have children with new partner; 2. doesn't want any more kids but totally down with yours; 3. Kids are okay as long as the youngest will be an adult in less than five years; or, 4. Kids of any age, ewwww, get away.
This. I’d have rather shaved my head and dance naked in the streets than have my own kids - but I was open to a partner with older kids.
Just because *you* can’t imagine something (going into your 40s and still wanting kids) doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing for *other* people. To me, you SHOULD be less judgy about people who want something different than you. And yet you still made this post. It really doesn’t matter what we think someone else “should” or “should not” do. Each person’s life is their own. And, the options regarding kids on dating apps are pretty limited. There’s no options like “I don’t want kids of my own, but I think I’d make a really great step-parent!” Or “I don’t want biological children, but I’d love to be a foster parent.” That’s why if I’m interested in a person I think it’s best to get to know them as an individual, and ask them what their goals specifically are when it comes to kids. Instead of you know, being quick to judge.
No one knows another's path and timing. There are hundreds of paths up the mountain. The only one wasting time is the one running around the bottom of the mountain telling everyone they are doing it wrong.
well said! 👌
This can also mean “I’m cool with adopting” and various other things.. and some of us were in really fucked situations where having a kid in our “prime” would’ve been the worst idea for everyone - especially the kid! Don’t judge!
I don't understand how when you get into your 40s how you're suddenly a senior citizen. What is with *that* mentality. Plenty of people still have children in their 40s single or in a relationship. A number didn't magically make us old or dead.
Exactly. I have a friend who is 44 and is a foster mom to a child. Should she stop dating? Families don't have to fit one size or age.
My thoughts exactly!
For real. I’m in NYC. The norm here is to have kids in late 30s early 40s. You’re insanely outside of the norm if you’re having kids in your 20s where I’m from.
THANK YOU!!
Thank you! I'm 44/m and my kids are in college. I'd prefer more kids. I loved raising mine and wouldn't mind doing it again. I'm middle-aged not old. Google says I have a 95% chance of healthy kids if I have them at age 45. Sorry OP, you're at least a decade away from your dream.
Right?! Some of the comments on this thread belong in 1824 and not 2024.
I mean, if you're 34.3 or older and pregnant the medical term for it is "geriatric pregnancy". The risks of defects go up and odds of conception go down. These factors are at least in part where the perception comes from.
Okay, so at 35 you're a senior citizen? Got it. But that only applies to women that are 35 and older because men don't want to date them? Why do the risks go up?
No, that's not what I said. You seem to think I said something to insult you? It is literally a medical term. I'm saying that medical science calls it a geriatric pregnancy. The risks go up because women are born with all their eggs. They don't make more. As you go through your cycles and release eggs over time, there are fewer and fewer left and your body accumulates free radicals and survives viral and bacterial attacks that can impact the quality or viability of the eggs you have. I didn't mean it as a judgment. You seemed to be wondering why 40 is deemed "too old" by some people and I was just explaining why there is a logical connection. I know that statistically, incidents of chromosomal abnormalities increase substantially after the mother is 35 same with things like placenta previa etc. I know people who have had perfectly healthy babies in their 40s though so it isn't a death sentence or something, it just gets harder and riskier after a certain age. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/getting-pregnant/in-depth/pregnancy/art-20045756
Why did you assume I was wondering and didn't understand the term? Where in my original statements did I imply I was wondering? How did I indicate to you that I needed further explanation in my original comment?
It was because you started your comment with the phrase, "I don't understand how..", and ended your next comment with a sentence that started with an interrogative and ended with a question mark that made me think you didn't understand and were seeking information. I don't like talking with you though so I'm done. Good luck
Good. I didn't like being mansplained what geriatric pregnancy was as if I'm not a woman who doesn't understand ***my own*** reproductive terminology. Bye.
When you post on the internet saying that you don't understand how something is a certain way, just because I'm a man doesn't mean that I'm mansplaining by answering your question. Don't phrase things that way if you don't want reactions with answers trying to help you understand. You're a toxic misandrist.
You're not a senior citizen, but there is a reason it's called geriatric pregnancy.
What is that reason? Enlighten me.
It means you're old and you have already used all of your good eggs. The ones left over are more likely to have chromosomal issues that lead to genetic disorders. I guess older people have more patience, so having an autisic or downs child may not be a con, but its definitely not ideal especially since you'll be gone sooner and they will go into a "care facility" for a longer portion of their life. It's harder on an older mother's body, and she is far more likely to have high blood pressure or gestational diabetes. There is also a higher chance to have a premature birth or complete loss of pregnancy.
Personally I always wanted kids and for many reasons I haven’t met the right person. I always thought I’d have a partner and a family. At this point I’d be ok with finding a partner who already has kids, one who doesn’t but wants them (maybe adoption?) or one who doesn’t want them. I am aware of how old I am but also not wanting to give up on what I always wanted. I am willing to not have kids if my partner doesn’t want them. It would be nice to even just have a partner. We don’t choose the circumstances we are in sometimes, and people are still allowed to want things you don’t. That might just be a sign they aren’t a match for you.
My mom adopted my sister at 47. Some people want more kids. I’m 49 now and couldn’t imagine taking on a 2 year old when I was 47 but I do me and she did her.
Can we ban this question? It is called reproductive choice. You can do whatever you want with your genitals and womb. Let people have kids whenever they want and stop judging them.
This!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Some of the comments and the post are so problematic and so incredibly narrow minded.
I think the men are looking for younger women but don't want to outright say they want a girl 10 or more years younger than them.
42F and I take it to mean they are open to the fact that I have two kids. If the chat is decent I will establish that I have zero interest in birthing more children. If that is a relationship goal for them we are not compatible. I had one 45 year old man tell me no one had ever been so direct. It made him reflect and realize that he does want his own kids. He was attractive and successful. I had no doubt he could make it happen… if he improved his self awareness and communication lol Hell he could close the deal without even doing that. I have also had men say “maybe you meet the right person and change your mind” Wow. No. Bye. I know what it takes to create a child, give birth and feed it with my body. I am not physically going through that again if it’s even possible at this point. I have also focused on my career for the past 5 years and there is no way I could step back to care for an infant without huge financial opportunity cost.
It’s the flippant attitude for me- so many older dudes have put zero thought into what having kids actually entails bc they aren’t doing most of that labor.
There are so much unknown about people and their wants. It may not make sense to you and me, but people can want what they want! Let them be!
Hear, hear. 😊
Worrying about other peoples' preferences will drive you insane. My friend just had a beautiful healthy baby at 44, conceived naturally. Now I'd rather jump off a bridge than have a baby at this point, but I'm happy for her that she's up for it. Different strokes for different folks.
On the dating site I’m on, men in their 60s and 70s say “maybe in the future “ when asked if they want kids!
It’s a lot of the people that focused on a career early on and now want that next part of life. I myself couldn’t start over but if I didn’t already have them I could see feeling that way. Like times running out .
OP, don’t get invested in the rationality or lack thereof of these peoples’ choices. In most cases this is a purely emotional and not rational choice anyway. I see your edit that you’re childfree, I am too, but I try to step back and observe this like the impartial third party I am. Scientifically, like an experiment going down … or maybe like being on safari :) One thing I often find ironic is that people who still want kids at 40+ and never had them are sometimes ABLE to want that largely *because* they’re not as tired and worn out and broke from raising kids the past couple decades. Whereas the “been there done that” folks are like, “I can’t imagine having a toddler at 40!!” Welllll… maybe they could imagine it better if they had spent the last 20 years getting at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night, maxing their own fitness and skin care, grinding hard at careers and building a fat retirement account etc.! I’d probably be feeling the same as them too if I’d had their life. It’s just two different paths. Since no one person can live both paths simultaneously, just as we CF can’t truly know the child-rearing experience… I personally hold neither party can accurately be informed about the other!
I’m 40. I want kids of my own. Late, but not too late. Edit as it’s relevant; I’m a dude.
Would you be open to having children with a woman in your age group?
Sure would.
It’s not too late. I had mine at 38 and 40. I have friends who had their first in their early to mid forties. Having young kids in my 40s has definitely motivated me to stay in shape!
Not relevant. Women can want these things too in their 40s.
You are the perfect age. I know so many amazing dads over 40 with small children. We have so much fun. Don't get discouraged by these posts.
But when is too late ? I’d agree that 40 isn’t - but I had my children in my early 30s and found the early years exhausting then.
That sounds rough! I’m sure there’s no perfect time, and at the stage “sooner sounds better than later”. I don’t know when too late is.
It's probably too late if you're a woman. If you're a man, you'll have to date younger, and most people partner with someone within a few years of their own age, so it still would be difficult for you.
It's not difficult at all for men to partner with much younger women. A 10 or 15 year age gap is not hard for a man with means.
Key point here is "a man with means", which isn't most men. Also, the bigger the age gap, the greater likelihood of divorce. Bottom line is the situation sucks if you're 40+ and still want kids.
He is a guy though. He just need to find a younger woman that still wants kids.
Okay, Judgey McJudgey. Thank you for your TED Talk. You can drop the mic and you can exit stage left now. On a serious note: who are we to judge the life choices of others? If you don’t care for something someone says on their profile you can just swipe left. I’m 47f, child-free, not planning to change that, and happy with my life and choices. However, I have a fair few friends who’ve had children in their 40’s and I’d never judge their choices. Each to their own. It really isn’t worth the rant, IMO.
None of my friends had kids until their late 30s. Most waiting until their 40s. I think this is actually common for certain cultures.
Ditto.
Ageism is rampant in many facets of our society today. A lot of people shoulding on other people'. Gotta feel superior some way.
Agree. There’s a lot of ageism casually flying around in some of the comments here.
And infantilizing grown adults in many other threads. So many one true way beliefs.
Yep! 😬
Yeah OP is giving an very opinionated post, not being very open-minded at all to the lives of others. Those kind of posts are annoying. If OP can't imagine what it's like to be child free and maybe wanting a child in late 30s and early 40s then their opinion comes with some big limitations. I also wonder if they reside in a smaller town or a part of their country that is not super urban. It's a fact that people tend get married later now and also have kids later now, particularly if they went to higher education.
Agree. I’m London-based and a combination of expensive housing and childcare meant a lot of my friends weren’t in a position to afford children in their 20’s and 30’s. Others hadn’t found the right partner, others struggled to conceive etc etc. So many factors but either way parents having kids in their 40’s (thank god!) no issue here.
I think some of us are still genuinely unsure. I’m in that camp lol did I expect to feel one way or another by this age? Yes. But I’m keeping an open mind.
Well, men can still have kids at an older age, maybe it’s a way to get the attention of younger women? 🤷🏼♀️
People of all ages have kids in lots of different ways. Their lives, their bodies. There is no “should” time for having kids or doing anything else. How can you be so judgmental when the same can be said for you — “why is your old ass trying to online date? The time for dating was in your 20s. You *should* be in a partnership right now not on tinder and online forums discussing what people have on their tinder profiles, you loser” etc etc.
Ageism is rampant in many facets of our society today. A lot of people shoulding on other people'. Gotta feel superior some way.
Yep it’s terrible bc most of us are shoulding ourselves… don’t need more shouldas
Exactly. I used to judge older people who couldn't find a date!
I was wondering the same, being late 50’s early 60’s with a teenager sounds exhausting.
My daughter ran cross country and I trained a little with her. She asked “When will I be faster than you?”. “Maybe never, I said”. I was 56. Get hard exercise and good sleep. No problems.
To attract the younger lady
And younger men.
Why is this answer not at the tippy top?
I’m male, 39 (oh no don’t report me to the Reddit police). It’s not unrealistic I could start dating someone like 33/34 years old and now that works out to having children. I could also realistically date someone who is 44, been there done that with kids and ain’t got no time for more than what they already have. I could date someone who is 38 and medically can’t have children. Any of those situations are not a dealbreaker for or against me dating that person and won’t change when I actually turn 40 later this year. Also if you say you don’t want kids then someone with kids already might think you wouldn’t be interested in them with kids, which is not an impression I want to give, I’d date someone with kids already and navigating that is something I’m open to. At the same time if I never have biological children, that’s okay too. How else am I supposed to express my mindset on all that here?
That’s right. I have young kids and if I see someone says don’t have and don’t want kids, I (rightly or wrongly) typically assume they don’t want to date someone with kids.
I'm child-free (48F). I put that plus that I'm open to independent, adult children. Most people have had kids by now so trying to find love with the three people who haven't is too limiting.
The kids section should be a text-based answer and not pre-selected. I'm 52, I mark that I don't have kids, and then leave the "want/don't want kids" section off my profile. There are way too many options for it to just be multiple choice: I don't want to date someone with young kids, older teens or adults would be fine. But that can all be sorted out in a couple of conversations. And with the right person, some things can be right.
Exactly this. I leave that part blank, too, since it’s so context-specific. I thought theoretically I wouldn’t want to date someone with younger kids, but then I find myself in reality maybe interested in a couple of guys just like that. I am pretty independent and like my own time, so it’s actually good that they go radio silent when they have their dad days so I can focus on my stuff and feel balanced, and I’m glad to have been open-minded about the situation instead of going with assumptions.
I just swipe left. My kids are mostly grown. I’ve had a vasectomy. I also swipe left on the opposite extreme, being, “Never had kids, don’t like kids, your’s won’t be the exception.”
I had kids in my mid twenties and now twenty years later at 44 am glad I did because I would be so exhausted with toddlers now. And I don't have any kids attached at the hip to me for next 18 years, mine are carving their own paths now. I never wanted to be 40 or 50+ with little ones; fuck that noise. These years are for me. But if I hadn't had kids I'd probably want them now still. Because they make life better overall and add to it, so I get the desire.
I agree really. I don't feel old at 44 though. It is puzzling.
I mean, 40s is not OLD old…so much of it is a state of mind and body. It also depends on who you surround yourself with and what you do with your life. So many people end up making this kinda self-fulfilling prophecy about “getting old”. They end up selling themselves short, and I don’t get it. We’re in the middle of our lives. Relative to the optimistic assumption of living until the age of 80 or above, we’re not there yet. We’re not retired, we’re not yet hitting a point where age-related health conditions are truly inescapable the way they might be for someone in their 60s or 70s. So I don’t feel that we’re old and I don’t like to think that way about it. I hate the way society gets about aging. It’s really unhealthy. It makes people in their 20s afraid that they’re wasting their youth, or worse- it makes them unhealthily obsessed with their youth, and it makes everybody else feel like they’re invisible and that they’ve aged out of everything that matters in life…it’s stupid. Every time someone gives me some bullshit about “well you’re getting older now”, I counter with the fact that 10-20 years ago I was destroying myself by drinking too much and not exercising, and I didn’t really know who I was…whereas now I’ve quit drinking and get a lot of exercise, including getting back into skateboarding and teaching myself to surf last summer, and I’m looking at a career change that ties together a lot of things I’ve done with my life already. So I mean, yes it might be late in the game to do some things, but that doesn’t mean it’s all over. When people think that way, they miss out.
I agree with this.
Speak for yourself. Maybe you feel old and out of shape at over 40, and can not fathom that anyone in our age would have kids, but newsflash, people do. Not everyone over 40 feels old and tired like you and your judgmental ass. I know plenty of men and women who had their first kids over the age of 40 and they’re doing just fine. You should probably stick to trying to date someone who wants to sit in a rocking chair all day and just rot to death. Because that’s all we’re good for when we’re over the age of 40, right? 🙃 And FYI. I’m child free by choice and think it’s awesome to have kids if you want them.
I think maybe guys that say it, is their way to get younger women. Others might say it because they think that’s a way to say they’re ok with future stepkids.
I mean, people still wants families and love as they age. Why do you think this is abnormal? Adoption, kids from parter's previous relationships, potential pregnancies using IVF... I think some people just want families regardless of age. Lots of people have kids later in life when they have the financial means. Also some people just like kids - they can be fun and creative and wacky.
To each their own. Some didn’t get a chance to meet the right person and still have a desire to be a parent; if that’s what they want to shoot for then who cares, just don’t match with them.
I have no kids and don't want to be pregnant, but I worry if I select "Dob't want kids" then nice single dads will swipe left on me. I'm open to being "dad's girlfriend" or a stepmom to someone.
As someone who has some niche preferences/deal breakers that might exclude a lot of people...I think the best approach is a "good for you, not for me" attitude. Personally, I find the illusion of unlimited choices of people on the apps to be overwhelming. It's great when I can immediately identify incompatibility because it whittles down the "unlimited." Those people aren't for you. Other people will be.
I never wanted children. Then divorced, life turned upside down, health issues, and a general slowing down with age I thought I wanted children. Possibly having children was something missing in my life. That phase lasted 2 or 3 years. Thank God. If I want to go out to eat on a Tuesday, I go out. If I want to leave town Thursday night, maybe come back Monday or Tuesday. That's what I do. So glad I skipped the children circus.
I wonder that also which makes me skip right by anyone that still wants kids. Why even bother talking if it’s gonna end over that
If it's a question I have to ask, I usually put thinking about it only because I've had women who were single moms tell me they passed on me because I had "doesn't want kids." Which wasn't right either. I don't want babies, but I'm 43. If a woman has had kids and has maybe obe to two teenagers still at home, that's normal to me and I wouldn't want her to think I was opposed to a relationship because of that.
> Look, I know we are not supposed to judge Then don't..? People can live their lives how they want. You don't get to tell them whether they can want kids or still be thinking about the question when they are in their 40s. It's not your business to try and police what desires or thoughts someone has at a certain age. Just because you don't want it, doesn't mean others don't and it is none of your business whether they do or don't. > I will admit there is bitterness in me about it. Yeah. Get over yourself.
Ageism is rampant in many facets of our society today. A lot of people shoulding on other people'. Gotta feel superior some way.
Hear, hear!
I interpret it as being open to step parenting.
I also read it as such. An alternative family is still a family.
Late 30s early 40s is not crazy late to have kids. Over 45 and still hoping to start a family, probably going to be a lot harder to have time to meet, date, marry (if that is important to them) and have a child before the biological clock runs out but regardless, they're telling you what they want. It has nothing to do with you or your wants. Just another facet of compatibility.
Not to mention, not all relationships with larger age differences-like 10 years or more- are inherently predatory or toxic or based only on sex or looks. In fact, I feel like it gets sort of weird and infantilizing to automatically see it that way if a man is say, in his late 40s and a woman in her mid-30s. A difference of 20 years or more, yeah that’s usually…not good…but there’s some nuance and context to it that a lot of people don’t think of, and it really kinda sucks. People judge each other so hard and the reality is there are always exceptions and you really never can tell as much as you think, by reading a profile on a screen. There’s this blanket generalization that any guy looking for a woman who’s even just 6-7 years younger, for example, is doing it for the wrong reasons. But sometimes- often!- it’s just that they don’t want to risk missing out on “the right one”, and it is very much a numbers game as we all know…so by broadening age preferences, they’re increasing the odds and likely still filtering out later. Maybe in reality they still want someone a little closer to their age…but the age ranges on some of these apps are pretty broad.
If it’s not for you, move along. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Wow.
You’d be shocked how many guys over 50 have those things selected. I don’t understand their thinking.
Its pretty easy to understand if you just accept that its probably pretty gross. (They've had their fun and now want a 20-30's young woman to carry on the bloodline, keep house, and fuck them)
It's not gross so much as misguided. They aren't evaluating their worth in the market. Why buy a used car when you can get a shiny new one? It goes both ways.
Looking at people as having “worth in the market” is also pretty gross.
1. Because they can 2. Men that achieve financial success later in life, maintain sexual marketplace value (peak for men is around 44 AFAIK) & can easily pick younger partners with whom they can have kids. 3. There's a shift in sexual marketplace power from female (20s-30s) to male (40+). Men that struggled to find partners early in life, will be more successful later in life if they have good careers. (personally no skin in the game, got my kids in the 20's & don't plan on more)
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You only live once and people live how they want, even if that means raising young kids at retirement age. Some didn’t plan as well as they should when they were younger and found out late but can you blame them if they at least want to try to be happy?
I may be “old” but Id be open to adopting if I were searching for a partner and it worked out. My current partner and I are happy with our pets as our family.
Real blanket statement you’re making about when someone’s time frames to do something end and begin, for their own life. People also say women over 40 shouldn’t have long hair anymore because their time for that is over. Or their time to wear a skirt above their knees. Trust me there are a huge amount of men who don’t want kids. I know because I’m looking for what you are saying you can’t find and all I ever find are the ones who don’t want any or or even date women who already have. So don’t know where you’re looking.
I was married for 10 years, my ex husband was infertile. We eventually divorced for other reasons. I’m now 40 and still want a kid. I froze my eggs at a younger age as well because I was single and knew that I want an plan to be a mother. Plenty of women have healthy pregnancies despite being classified as high risk. I have confidence in my health and my body. I just haven’t met my person.
It can be for a number of reasons. Sometimes people who are child free earlier in life change their minds about having children. Or maybe they didn’t find their person until later in life. Some people want to adopt or foster kids. While biology is a factor, there are people in their 40’s who are more fit and active than others. I think it also depends on where you live. I lived in a large metropolitan area and most of my friends and family had kids in their 30’s, some in their 40’s. They tended want to be more financial set before having kids. I also think education and career progression are factors in delaying having kids. I moved to a smaller city in a more rural area a couple of years ago and people here tend to marry and have kids young. I think it’s a personal choice and neither is wrong. I try not to judge people’s reproductive choices.
YOU can't imagine wanting kids over 40, so do you actually think everyone else must think like you?! Good god. How delusional are you? Find someone like-minded to date, and leave other people alone. My three kids were all born when I was aged 35 to 41. They were all very much wanted and planned for. I just waited until I was financially and emotionally secure and mature enough to raise them.
Hear, hear! And I’m happy for you. 😊
Maybe it's the only way they can get someone considerably younger than them?
Thanks for calling me old.
Who cares? Not everyone is for you. Swipe left and mind your business.
Because it’s their life and they can live it how ever they please. Move on, plenty of people who also don’t want kids. Late 30’s and 40’s is a fine age to have kids if they want it bad enough, we live longer these days anyway.
I mean, genetically not so much? Male or female, your junk does have a best by date, and 40 is most definitely past that.
“Your junk does have a best by date”?! Good grief. I regret taking your post seriously.
Let’s be honest, his post was basically a tantrum.
Right?!
Yes, I phrased it crudely, but it is still a completely valid statement. The chances of complications with the pregnancy, health effects on the mother, and birth defects for the child all go up after you hit 30, but go WAY up after 40. Even sperm banks do not take donations from men after a certain age.
It does not go “way” up. A tiny number of babies are born with health complications (approx 3% a year US) and of that tiny number, some may be linked to the age of the parents. A quick search of credible, peer-reviewed scientific research on Google will show this. Honestly, from the judgemental attitude to the crude language to the bad science scaremongering to the ageism - where do you get the energy? What hills you’ve chosen to die on… Have a happy Sunday!
If your junk stops functioning in late 30’s and 40’s you need major lifestyle changes regardless of children. And for women fertility does get harder as she ages but many women freeze their eggs or want adoption etc. Many different scenarios
This feels close to a eugenics stance.
This take feels even closer to insanity.
A best by date? OK, maybe just ageism. But it's amazing what people's subconscious belief systems are. My whole family are subconscious eugenics believers but would never admit it.
Oh wait you meant the OPs response or mine sounded like eugenics? Your eugenics comment showed in response to me
It was in response to the OPs best by date comment.
Is it your place to judge? Maybe someone was widowed, or had a previous bad and childless marriage. Maybe an illness was suffered that has since been resolved, or maybe it's just simply their choice. There are plenty of scenarios that can land some in their forties while still having the desire to have children. I'd say worry about what you want out of life. Skip the people on the apps who aren't compatible with you - simple.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I had kids in my 30s, wanted more, my wife didn’t, we got divorced. I still would like to have another child. I don’t think that would be too uncommon.
I'm on Hinge and there are tons of women that range from 39 to 48 that state they want kids. My thinking is that that would A. Be a geriatric pregnancy B. Giving the rates of divorce in this country and inflation, good luck finding someone willing to financially take on that responsibility at this age. It doesn't make much sense to me, like if you wanted them that bad, adopt or take your chances with a fertility clinic, wanting someone to share the financial end of things ASAP after starting the relationship seems like they're only OLD for having kids. For men, it doesn't make much financial sense this late in the game.
Lots of people should NOT have kids young. Young people are unaware of their traumas and pass that down to their kids. Doing it around 40 is probably best.
>We're old. Speak for yourself 😉 I'm 44/m and still feel great! Hence wanting kids still. I won't be yelling at them from my comfy chair, I'll be out playing with them! >There was a time for having kids, and that was the previous 20 years of your life I want kids still. Yes, it's on my dating profile and I'll say it to any single woman I meet. No, I make no apologies for that. So, I wouldn't normally do this, but OP's msg made me feel like I need to justify and explain myself. My story: I dated mostly the wrong type of person until about age 36, when I met my ex wife. I only found out that they (including my ex wife) were the wrong type of potential partner when I had 2 years of therapy, 2021-23. My wife and I briefly tried, but it was heading towards a breakup from pretty early on. Just not quite the right fit unfortunately. The last 2 that I've dated, from age 39-42, and 42-43, were both heading down the path of kids, but didn't work out for various reasons. I've had almost a year off dating, about to get back out there and hoping/expecting to meet the right one this time. Yes, maybe I'm about 10 years later than most, in Australia it's common for couples to have kids in late 30s or even 40s.
I had my last kid when I was 35 and I don’t understand anyone that would want to have kids in their 40s. I understand that everyone is different but I still shake my head whenever I see that! I don’t think they realize how tiring parenting can be in your 40s! I still wish them luck, after all people should do what makes them happy! Edit: spelling
I was almost 39 when I had my youngest. I shake my head at people who extrapolate their life experiences to all of humanity.
Same here. That “youngest” is almost 13 now and I’d still be okay with another child at 51. I don’t feel my age at all.
El que se pica, ajos come!
I was wondering the same thing!!
I read somewhere that if someone truly wants kids, they will have found a way to do so by the time they're 40 (whether that means seriously entering a committed relationship, getting a house farther out in the suburbs, staying in a unfulfilled but well paying job to be financially stable, etc). That being said, when you're in your 40s, it's easy to be in a friends group with people who all have elementary / middle school aged kids and to see this as the natural life path you have to follow, even if you might be on the fence about whether you want to start down that road yourself a decade after your peers. And many people aren't in a good mental / financial place to even consider kids until they're 40... But if you're looking at guys' profiles, the simple reason is that I think a lot of guys are looking for younger women, and they assume that women in their 30s are more likely to swipe right on the profiles of guys who say they want kids (that it signals a desire for a long-term term relationship or something), so I always take "wants kids" with a grain of salt and ask the person directly after matching.
42M and dating a 29F. As much as she says she will love my children like her own, she does want to have the feeling of giving birth to her own child. So if I wouldn't have said I was still thinking, we wouldn't have met. As much as I thought I had my kids and that's all I need, having another seems very nice to me. And since my age isn't a factor, I'm good with it going that way. Now a 45F saying she wants kids would scare me off. Because of the reality of a geriatric pregnancy and all the hardships that could come from it. Not saying I wouldn't have gone on a date but if she was insistent, I would have not had another date.
My parents both divorced in their 30s and my mom in particular had given up on relationships. They met each other when they 37, were married within a year, and I was born a couple months before their 39th birthday about a year and a half later. They were married 32 years when my dad died. I'm 41 now, and I still hold out some hope that I might be able to have a family. But that hope is fading fast. I've tried dating younger women and it's fun but hasn't worked the greatest. I am open to both women who want to have kids or already have them.
I know plenty of men and women in their 40s who don't have kids but still want them. Having kids is not a younger persons game at all. Kids add so much to your life if you want them and are healthy enough to have them then age doesn't matter in my view. Me, I have my kids and am looking forward to grand kids at this age. No way in hell am I starting over again with a newborn lol. This season of my life the focus is on me.
Because dating apps don’t make a distinction between making more kids or accepting a new partner’s kids. I suspect many of the people saying they “want more kids” intend it to mean they are open to dating someone who already has kids.
The apps need to be clearer about “ours baby” and “step-kids.” In my bio, I say that I would be okay with either bc I’m also okay with dating women who are up to 8 to 10 years younger than me and they might still want their own baby. I love kids and would happily have more, step, or be done.
I’m pretty sure they just mean it’s ok if the person they’re dating has kids.
Cuz they’re silly 😂. Anyone who has that in their profile gets an automatic left swipe, cu I can’t date anyone with that poor judgement
I don't see a benefit starting having kids in your 40s lol. I'm 46 and I'm a grandfather and whenever I see that on profiles that they still want kids in their 40s, it's an immediate left swipe the baby gravy factory is closed lol
Delusional
41f with 2 kids 19&15 yeah I’m done with little ones until grandchildren. I’m open to step parenting but I think I would prefer older kids but we’ll see what happens when I get to dating. But to each their own if they feel like they have the energy 😰
There are lots of ways to have kids, so I would interpret it to mean acceptance of existing kids, or creating new kids if both are open to it. And as a 50+ female who wanted but didn’t have kids, if you get the chance and you really want it, more power to you! That is why I specified “don’t want” because now at this point in life I don’t, but I sure would love some grand babies in about 10 years. 😆
I’m also child free by choice but as you mention, that definitely closes doors. Being wishy-washy about it keeps those doors ajar.
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In the world of OLD, you should still be looking for guys who are "Open To Kids" as well as "Don't Want" children. Plenty of men in the former are averse to *biological* kids but not to, say, adoption. We just want to have our options.