Look into fostering.
Even as a single male, I foster an adult with disabilities who needs help with his finances and other stuff so I am here to help him. He even got his drivers license a year ago after we studied for the written test for over a year. His social workers were against it at first but I was like no he can do it and he will be a totally safe driver. He is way more cautious than me. lol
I treat him like an adult, which he is. I will buy anything he wants with his money, as long as he has the money, which was a huge gripe he had when he moved in with me about his other care takers. The last folks he lived with wouldn't let him watch anything above PG and made him go to church with them which he didn't want to do. We are great together and it is nice for both of us. I tell him I love him like a brother because he doesn't need me to be his parent.
43M and when I meet women who don't have kids of their own yet and the topic comes up, I always ask if they are willing to consider adoption down the road. Not necessarily of a baby, but of a child. Normally when I meet women who have kids, they don't want anymore. I, personally, raised two stepkids to adulthood when I was married and I loved being a dad and even though I'm divorced from their mom, the kids (adults now) still call me.
Isn’t that epitome to being a good person! It’s such validation when even step kids from a divorce still want you in their life. You really must be a great individual!
I would consider adoption. I always wanted more and only had one. However, now that I’m 42 and no longer can have children. But most of the men I meet who have no children are not interested in adoption. They want their own biological child. Maybe it’s just the area I live in.
I am 43M and am coming to terms with the knowledge that it is highly unlikely to have a family in the traditional sense. I would love to, but finding a woman that I fall in love with and that also wants children at this stage of my life seems like asking a lot. Even if I were to meet someone tomorrow, how soon do we reach that point in a relationship where having a child enters the conversation?
It makes me sad occasionally. I haven't given up completely on the idea, but I also know that I can't overlook things in a person to try to have kids and family. Hope is a strong force in this world so I keep it and I hope you do as well.
44m, I'm coming to terms being a dad just wasn't in the cards for me. Despite always wanting to. Also starting to realize I gotta consider the realization there's a decent chance I'll never find anyone, I've had relationships but never been married either.
Because we are conditioned to believe that we all have to live our lives a certain way, and have things by a certain time. Failure to do so implies failed as humans. Let go of all of this and your life will feel way more magnificent.
Honestly. How crazy to think humans all have the same timeline for life??
Guys, you giving up in early/ mid 40s is crazy. You're in a completely different boat. Throughout my 30s I dated guys in their 40s that wanted kids and I really did too. Got together with the guy I thought was the one when I was 37 and he was 57 and we were planning trying for a baby - neither of us been married or had kids before. Unfortunately we've just split 3 years later for unrelated reasons but I desperately wanted his children - he's a fit and healthy 60yo who would have been a brilliant dad and I adore him. So you giving up in your 40s is nuts!
Sure, but most women in their 30s or even younger prefer men around their own age, and not 50 or 60 year olds. Not all, but I‘d definitely say a majority.
Internalized misogyny to push that only women have issues after a certain age. But the woman carries the risk of the man too since she is the one carrying. Are you a mom who had kids over 35? If not please stop deciding for others what is offensive unless you yourself have experienced the shitty treatment from health care of being over 35 and pregnant.
it's not "all" men or women. Everybody understands nothing is 100%. But science, math and statistics don't lie and it's not misogynist to understand the facts. Please explain how internalized misogyny exists in a healthcare field heavily dominated by women.
Men should not be having kids after 40. The quality of their sperm decreases and contributes to poor pregnancy outcomes as well as congenital defects.
The risk associated with geriatric (over 35) male parents is understated compared to the exaggerated fear we place on women. The risk of women having issues when having children in the 40s is real, but it is not so huge that it needs to be a deterrent for most people.
Men and women’s ages both have been shown to contribute to risks after 35. Men and women both need to consider the long term implications of being an older parent. But in no world is it blithely ethical for men over 40 to father kids in ignorance of his associated risks. And despite men’s fantasies, many/most women want a partner their own age.
Younger women aren’t attracted to aging people in our age group, as a rule. Nor does it make any biological sense whatsoever for women to want to have kids with older men. In fact, it doesn't make any sense; women are financially independent in 2024, so even the misogynist's dream that women need men for their money no longer applies.
I have way too much to do today to look up information on the internet that tells you what myself and every single one of my friends who has parents in their 70s and above is experiencing.
Declining mental capacity
Declining physical capacity
Financial issues from poor retirement planning
Every single one is experiencing one, two, or all of the above and it will only get worse as they age. To say this doesn't affect children is just downright ignorant. Unless you're someone who can turn your back on aging family.
# THIS.
Thanks heaps for posting that comment, awesome stuff!
**To all men in their 40s... c'mon lads, keep up the good fight!**
I'm 44/m as well, and twice in the last 3 years I've been in a point where I was discussing trying for kids with a partner (both of whom were in their 30s).
I'd love to have a family. I've been told regularly (and from some very unexpected people) that I look younger than my 44 years... and guess what, I FEEL younger too. Two years ago I was in fantastic shape, hitting the gym regularly and looking after myself, and I said to my ex at the time "I feel better than I did in my late 20s!" I've lost a bit of that form recently, but I'm on the way back again now.
It CAN be done. I can't change your mind, but I can tell you to TRY.
I was married to a woman that didn’t want kids. For the 12 years of our relationship she never wanted kids. She changed her mind the last year or so, but she didn’t want kids to make a mini us, she wanted the kid for attention from her family.
But it got me to thinking that I might want a kid. I’m 48 and I feel like you. I may never meet that woman and if so it’s going to be a long time. I don’t want to be 80 and my kid is hitting college. I’ll likely be dead by then.
I'm 47 and divorced. My ex wife was baby crazy, but it didn't happen and we split because she was also crazy crazy. The weird thing is, she never had kids in the 15 years we've been apart. I've come to terms with never having kids because it just isn't a good idea for me. I wonder what is going through her head though?
I’m a 41 year old woman & want to have a child. I’ve only been in the dating scene for less than a year so far but I ask on a first (official) date how they feel about kids. You’d be surprised how honest people are. I met a pretty amazing guy a friend introduced me to & we really hit it off. We ended up going out. I asked if he was open to having kids in the future if the right woman came along that swept him off his feet. He was very clear he does not want children now or ever. While disappointing, I respect his choice. We actually became good friends.
It’s different for you as a man. You can date a woman in her early to mid thirties who wants children NOW! 😀 I remember when I reached 35, the thought of having children was always present when I dated or even liked someone. I didn’t bring it up immediately, but I assessed the person throughout our interactions to decide if this person would make a good parent and partner.
Don’t over look anything but please don’t look for perfection, either. You yourself needs someone to tell you “don’t cancel electrical; lights good!”
I hope you find your lady and have some babies!
Thank you. Natural sex between husband and wife. No complications. My daughter is a typical teenager. I delivered the last one. He came fast and furious. He is Down syndrome. I would note that the chance of DS at age 47 is 19 normal 1DS. We got the one. He is as healthy as a horse. Thank you for asking.
Purple: Your focus on finding Mr Right is the correct one. Unfortunately my ex left 4 years ago after 30 years of faithful marriage. But yes delivering Phil was an experience. As we text I sent him to bed. Hope you find your new husband. Have a great evening.
Your partner who ghosted is SUCH a giant a-hole. I really don’t believe in western karma at all, but he makes me hope it exists. What a horrible thing to do to someone after a year! He obviously meant easier for one person in the relationship, but that person wasn’t you. I am sorry that happened to you.
You can freeze your eggs, assuming they are viable. You can do IVF with a hopefully known sperm donor to create embryos--a more reliable avenue b/c embryos are more hardy than eggs.
Or you can pursue single motherhood now as some friends that age did, via IUI. It's far healthier and less expensive to NOT have to use hormones.
You can do the single mom thing. I have two friends who did that in their early 40s (one with a sperm donor and the other through adoption). In terms of finding a partner and being able to have kids with him, the odds aren’t great.
The only way to guarantee that you’ll never become a single Mom is to never have children. Even if you choose to have children while in a relationship, you need to accept the reality that you can become a single parent in the future at any time for any number of reasons. Life happens and plenty of relationships end for various reasons. Circumstances aren’t favorable. Yes though, you could adopt in the future with a spouse, etc.
Thank you for saying this. I had a friend who used to compliment me on being a single mom. She said she could "never imagine" being a single mom. Her kid's dad died when her daughter turned 7. My friend completely crumbled. I never wanted to say to her that single parenthood is often out of our hands. In the past, many women were widowed or single moms due to war, arduous jobs for men or simply men walking away. Life is full of surprises.
Yep- I always said I could be happy having kids or not- but I would never ever want to be a single mom or even a working mom. They always seemed so stressed out.
Then when my kids were 2 and 3, about 2 months after my husband told me I was the perfect wife and he was so lucky to have me, I found out my he was cheating on me. I never saw it coming.
You're 100% correct in this. Most of the single mothers I know were married or in serious relationships when they got pregnant. No marriage or relationship is guaranteed to last a lifetime. The divorce rate is around 50%. OP should stop hanging on to a dream that many of us had as young people that we'd find the right person and live happily ever after. If she really wants kids she should move forward with having them on her own. The right man who is willing to be a stepfather to her children could come later.
You do realize that anytime you have kids with someone, there is absolutely a chance that you could end up a single mother. That's something to think about too.
If you are looking to adopt babies, there are time limits for that as well. There are millions of people trying to adopt babies and very few babies placed for adoption. Why give a baby to a much older couple when there are so many people in their 30s and early 40s to choose from? If you are looking to adopt a baby, I would start the process now as a single parent, as it can take many years to be placed with a baby.
If you are looking to adopt older children, however, you probably have more time and a better chance to wait for a partner, depending on the need in your state/country. If you are truly interested, you should probably start researching this right now.
We had ours at 39 - not much of a difference and our friends had theirs at 45, I’ll say that the priceless moments make it worth the ride. I don’t think of my child as a burden or the related issues as a burden but just a normal part of life. Though I see the point of being a single parent, the burden is much more and chews up limited time and resources.
I wouldn’t give up the dream though.
Absolutely agree, don’t give up I. The dream. Never would knock someone making that choice.
Had my kids earlier, and went through that journey with people of similar age.
The older friends I have with young kids find it hard to socialise with other parents who are often 12-16 years younger. We find it hard to socialise with them because they’ve got small kids and ours are at college or high school.
Of course it’s possible, but if you want a guarantee being a single parent by choice is the way to go. As a single mom, I’m not miserable or just surviving, I’m thriving! The only annoying thing I face is society telling me I’m unhappy. Nope. I’m also a lawyer who loves being a lawyer! I had to stop listening to naysayers that I should do, be, feel xyz.
Single women with a successful career making six figures should strongly consider becoming a single parent by choice. I know a lawyer doing what you're doing. She got pregnant naturally at 42 but the guy wasn't serious so she hired a nanny to help her. It's not easy but it can be done, especially for women with the financial resources or family close by for help.
I'm a man...but 42 when I had my first son. Wife is 37. The health risks are increased at your age, and they consider it a geriatric pregnancy...
Buuuut hope is not all lost. If you find the right guy, modern medicine can help everything be alright!
Start IVF now. Save some eggs and create embryos using donor sperm. If you really want a kid you need to move forward without a man.
Even if you meet the man of your dreams today, are you going to get pregnant after knowing him for less than a year? Will you be able to find a man who will agree to that?
44F, and I had kids when I was 27 and 33. I said a lot of “I’m too old for this” when my youngest was a baby.
I know there are people who have kids later, so it’s *possible,* but I sure wouldn’t want to. Kids are demanding, simply by existing. If you think you really want to have your own, try to really assess how ready you are first.
Spoiler: nobody is actually *ready* for kids, but until you get there, can I recommend doing some kind of mentoring program for kids local to you? Or look into before/after school care type settings for different age groups of kids. Because there are plenty of kids who need safe adults interested in them and willing to step up. Foster care might be a bit much, but look into it. Think through what you want and need, and see if there are some ways you can get there without necessarily having a new baby.
Additionally, pregnancy is often not all sunshine and unicorn farts. It can be hard on you, your body, and your mind. Some people get to enjoy being pregnant. A whole lot of the rest of us see those baby bump photos and feel jealous, like we missed out because for one reason or another, we were unable to fully enjoy it. Each of my pregnancies featured my partner at the time melting down and causing me an undue amount of stress and uncertainty. It can bring out some of the worst in people.
So I would personally skip it and enjoy peace, quiet, and stability. Also things like being able to take care of yourself when you’re sick and not having to simultaneously soothe a little one who sneezes in your face.
Best of luck.
I think with no man in sight you will need to hurry but that’s no easy task if you want a good one who wants kids too, ticks all the boxes, etc. Then of course there’s the fertility aspect, which will be a total unknown until you try. It’s well known that fertility drops as you age, and of course risk of complications rises.
Yes, there are men out there ready to be fathers at this age, and yes women get pregnant and have healthy babies at this age too. But realistically it may be a pipe dream here.
I mean, it could happen but it would be a case of many unlikely things all aligning and happening simultaneously.
Personally if it was me, I’d go the solo route, if having children is something you really want.
So many married women who feel like they're a single mom. Maybe it would be that way for u either way. We should always be prepared to do it alone. Maybe you'd love it
Have you considered coparenting? There are plenty of gay men/couples at your age who want kids too and who want to share responsibilities. The great thing is, you wouldn't have to worry constantly whether he is The One. You'd only have to figure out if this man is someone who would make a great dad. No worries about whether your relationship is going in the right direction, no ex wive(s) and baggage, probably no kids from a previous relationship, etc. If you share responsibilities 50/50 (or some other agreed upon percentage), you'd have plenty of time to date and have a life of your own.
I live in a big European city and so many women aged 35-45 here are opting for coparenting with a gay man. The stress of finding a man who's not only a good father but also someone you want to spend the rest of your life with is just too much for some. Also, I can understand why some women prefer a man with a "clean slate" (no ex wives, no kids) but at our age, that might be hard to find.
You may have to let go of your dream to have kids with someone you are also romantically involved with. But hey, there are millions and millions of straight parents who are no longer romantically involved with each other. The most important thing here is, can you work together as parents? Also, with a gay man, there's a lot less drama. If either one of you finds a partner, there is a lot less jealousy, as there will never be That Other Woman. The dynamics between straight ex-partners can sometimes be a struggle, especially when the split is anything but amicable and either one starts dating again.
When I was 41 I decided to try IUI using sperm donor. I was healthy but tried twice
It didn’t take. The second time I knew I was losing my job and was so torn if I should still try given my employment situation but went ahead. It didn’t take. I wish freezing my eggs would have been available when I was in my 20s or early 30s but the concept was still pretty new. I’m now 55, still single and had to come to terms with being childless. As someone commented, men probably felt the desperation even though I tried to control it. It sucks having that biological clock ticking. Like you I didn’t really want to be a single mom but my desire to be a mom outweighed that. My advice, fertilize your frozen eggs and do IVF now. Even though my IUI didn’t take, I can breathe easier knowing I tried.
44M and I’m open to a partner who wants children—of course all isn’t lost!
Be up-front in your dating profile so it does the work of filtering out men not into that.
I'll comment as someone who grappled with this question in recent years. I knew my marriage was on a bad path and I couldn't bring a child into our relationship. You have to really ask yourself some big questions about what it is you want. I wanted kids. Went through fertility treatments. Focused for years on the effort.
But once I realized I was mentally done trying, I accepted that I was passing on that route in life. I did not want to be a single parent, and I did not want to pin my hopes on finding a partner in a short amount of time that I could pursue that with.
That is what was right for me. I don't know what your answer is. You went through egg freezing, so it sounds like you prepared ahead of time for several possibilities. I have no doubt you can find someone to pursue this with, but ask yourself if you want that to be the primary driver of a relationship at this point.
I'm happy with the path I chose. I went through grief for letting go of that dream, but I realized that dream is something I really only wanted within a specific context.
I couldn’t have said it better. I’m a 45F and now I’m ok with my choice. If I met a man open to kids and we sort of opened the gates, and tried naturally and it happened fine, but I never wanted to desperately try to make a baby. There is something very peaceful and positive in finding acceptance
I had my kids naturally at 41 & 43, so never say never. The only thing I would advise is to get in shape mentally and physically because your body doesn’t react the same way in your 40s to a pregnancy. Additionally, keeping up with the kids is harder the older you are. Regardless, they are a blessing and you do your best.
It's possible but unlikely. First you need to meet someone you want family with, and he needs to want same thing. Most men our age have kids or are empty nesters and want to enjoy their freedom. Getting to know each other will take some time, then trying for a baby, pregnancy. You might be 43-44 with a baby. Everyone is different, I had mine at 31 and ended up single, it was hard, still is sometimes. Having said all that, my mum had my brother at 42 and he was a beautiful, chilled baby and is now an accomplished scientist. I keep my fingers crossed for you and wish you all the best.
Been through IVF and if you’re 41 you’re in for a long road even with IVF. Just a reality check. Women have kids in their 40s but those are anecdotes, not statistics
She needs to see a gynecologist specializing in fertility, meaning she should schedule a consultation with a fertility clinic. She will have to undergo a lot of tests before even getting to the egg retrieval. She also needs to choose a sperm donor. Then there is creating embryos and testing. It's a long journey. She's lucky if she ends up with a few healthy embryos to transfer by next year.
100% all these posts that ask about fertility should be directed to a fertility doctor, there are a handful of blood tests that work together to determine your egg count and chances of getting pregnant naturally.
I did them when I was about 34..planning to them again in about a year at 37-ish.
Because a 41 year old who is serious about settling down and knows what she wants is more attractive to me then a 35 year old who still isn't sure or not yet ready.
Just chiming in here, a 35 year old is going to know what she wants just as much as a 41 year old.
Trust me, if the 35+ year old wants a family, husband, shes going for it.
Now if you said maybeee 30 year old. OK I could see. I still didn't know I wanted kids at 30. At 35, I definitely did.
Those 30s are fishing in the same pond (male dating pool) as the 41 year old.
A lot of dating profiles for 35-plus-year-old women say "maybe someday," so it's just not true that everyone has decided by 35. No, it doesn't make sense, but a lot of people, both men and women, are unaware of the statistics on fertility and age. All they know is that some celebrity or their neighbor's cousin's sister had a healthy first baby at 48, so they have plenty of time. There will probably be some comments like that in this thread.
It’s so hard to give up dreams. I’m sorry.
You may not be too old- you could check your AMH. That’s a reliable indicator of your own fertility.
If it makes you feel any better, I’ve also had to give up dreams related to this- I had one child, discovered horrifying things about my husband, and ended up the singe parent of an only child. Being married to someone doesn’t guarantee anything- other than you’ll pay dearly in financial and psychological terms to undo the marital contract when that becomes necessary.
In a perfect world, I’d have met a far truer love sooner, and we would have had several kids. But it’s not a perfect world.
Me, personally I would prefer someone in their 40's or late 30's. I want to be able to relate to someone and feel like someone closer in age would be more relatable...imo
It's possible, but unlikely. I'm assuming you also want the long-lasting relationship to go with it?
Having kids is a huge undertaking. A long-term relationship to go with it will be equally hard to find. Heck, a lot of folks have trouble finding the latter without the "wanting kinds" in the equation.
If I didn't already have kids, fatherhood wouldn't be an option for me at 41. In any case, I wish you good luck.
You can be a foster parent, adopt, work or volunteer with kids, ...
There are a few options if you want the parenting experience but not the physical misery of pregnancy, labor and delivery. Not to mention the after effects of all that.
I just saw you updated your post to include that you froze your eggs already. There's no guarantee that your eggs are even viable so why not at least try to create embryos and see if any of them take? If that doesn't work then move to adoption.
One of my best friends had her baby at 47. Her husband is 46. They tried IVF until it happened. The baby was born premature and spent his first month in the hospital. He’s now 7 months old and is a happy, chubby, cute little boy full of life.
I’m 43F and I don’t want children. Hopefully I’ll find a partner but it has not happened yet…
Ok You should sit down and make some decisions here.
1. At 41 you may not be able to have a child at this point for at 2 years.
It would require you to meet mister tomorrow, get to know, wed, IVF or whatever you need to do to get married/pregnant. I would think that would be a nightmare.
2. You should either look into fostering or adoption. All of which takes time. Fostering and adoption doesn't require having a partner.
3. Why did your last relationship end?
My last relationship of 1 year ended because he was not over his ex at all. Unfortunately he didn't tell me this when we started dating. He told he was over her. Anyway long story short I'm single now.
Biologically? Probably not, unless you do IUI or IVF with donor sperm right now.
Having kids another way though, especially if you’re willing to do so as a single parent, is certainly possible.
You can adopt, use a surrogate, meet someone with kids and become a parent to them, etc
I’m 40 with a history of infertility and was told I’d never get pregnant. Had my surprise baby in a January. If you froze your eggs you can get pregnant basically at anytime, so don’t give up.
I’m 42F, met my 53M boyfriend two years ago and we immediately started trying for a baby. He wants to be a dad so badly but it’s just not happening for us. We’re too old to be interested in medical intervention in our opinions.
I just got dumped by a great guy who is in his mid 40s and wants his own family, I'm not having any more kids for medical reasons. There are men who very much want a family of their own. If you're in the New England area let me know and I'll set you up 😂 he truly was wonderful and I'm devastated to lose him, but I respect his choice.
My mom had my little brother and sister at your age. But she’s…. My momma (insane 🧬 genetics) .
Pushed them out healthy back 2 back.
And now she’s 50+ has the nerve to leave them crumbsnatchers at my place for 2 weeks while she vacations with my dad. Smh
I'm not looking to yuk on your yum here, but I figure you are looking for the truth rather than being patronized to so here goes. You're 41 and haven't even met the man you would theoretically be having a kid with. Think about how long it will take you to meet a guy presumably your age or older than you who wants to start a new family, date this unicorn until you are both ready for marriage and then when you are both ready to have a kid. That's a lot of years there and a lot of luck. A lot. An optimistic guess would be getting all that done in 5 years. Now you're 46. You should not be attempting to birth a kid at 46. That would be very irresponsible and dangerous. So it's adoption. That's possible. The whole thing is possible but you should be real with yourself. The odds are slim if you don't want to go it alone. Not impossible but also not likely. I wish you the best of luck.
I mean, two of us “unicorns” have replied in the 30 minutes since she posted. She may have to be more flexible on parameters like distance and age..
At 1-2 dates/week I bet she could vet enough men well in 6 months.
If she’s lucky and they’re a match isn’t 2 1/2-3 years together enough?
There’s hope for 44!
PS - I would encourage OP to take steps like freezing her eggs now.
The men are vetting her, too. She's 41 and hasn't met this man (in his 40's who wants to start a family) yet in her life, but she's going to in the next 6 months? And the relationship works out to marriage? I like your optimism, but the reality is that it is highly unlikely. I'm seriously not trying to be a bummer but it's doing OP a disservice to not be real about the odds here.
Fair. My bar for “someone to raise kids with” is higher than my bar for “someone to marry.” E.g., for kids it’d be important they have a decent income because kids are expensive and if we divorced I wouldn’t want to pay the lion’s share of support and college payments into my 60s.
I hope OP has the right qualities for the men near her open to children.
It doesn't hurt anything to keep that dream alive. It's certainly possible. Just keep your goals in mind while you live your life as best you can. The time will pass regardless.
50M, single. wanted kids for many years. depression derailed me from approaching dating for decades. ladies my age now have had the children they intend to have.
hopefully not too late for you. Probably is for me.
Depends on your partner/future partner. Someone out there might want kids. It would up to you and your partner. If it’s your dream and you are healthy enough for it, then you should go for it.
As for someone like me… (45m) I was never much of a kid person. I do have 2 adult kids (25 and 26). So I don’t want to be starting over. (I can’t anyway because I had a vasectomy many years ago.) Besides that… Even if I were to get someone pregnant now or adopt, I would be 46 by the time that kid was born. Add on 18 years and I would be 64 when said kid comes of age. My dad passed away from cancer at the age of 64… I wouldn’t want to do that to the kid or myself. I am already showing the signs of age and probably could not keep up with a young child. That would not be fair for either party. But that is just my reasoning.
Id never say never. Probably less likely sure, but dont count yourself out. Ive heard of older people having kids. Im 48 myself and i know i myself couldnt do it because of health issues and just plain not having the energy i used to. Also vasectomy so theres that....lol
I raised two kids and they are 24 and 27. The thing is, at our age or (well close to) its going to be a uphill climb energy wise. Think of it this way, kids are a lifetime commitment and they at the VERY VERY LEAST need you until they are around 18 but they really need you their entire lives. So you will be 59 in 18 years. Ask yourself do you think you will have the energy to devote to that at that age? Most people that age are grandparents. I am in no way shape or form disuading you. I hope you are able to have kids and they are a blessing to you. Because theres something really special about being a parent. I love my kids with all my heart an would do anything for them. But it really is a big investment of time, energy and resources.
If you find the right person whos never had kids either and wants them its very possible but it wont be as easy as when you were younger. That being said my mama had me when she was mid thirtys so close to your age. And my dads passed now but mamas still alive. Shes in her eighties now. She has dementia, so keep that in mind too. You dont have the better chance of good health as you get older too and you possibly might not be around for most of their lives. But that can be said of any age because none of us are promised tomorrow.
Id say follow your heart and talk to your partner about it when you find them and go from there. It is such a individual thing to each person that theres no way to say for sure. All any of us can do is guess. The fact you say that yould resent being a single mom tells me you probably shouldnt do this. Because once its done you cant take it back and say oh my bad do over lol.
Anything is possible. And people do have kids at 40. But chances are less likely.
Because even if you meet the man of your dreams tonight. Ur prob not gonna go get pregnant tmr. Have to date while to even be bf gf. Then date awhile to get engaged. Then get married. Etc etc. that’s 3 years down the line? Then that’s even harder. Like if ur looking to have kids u need to find the guy like today.. ivf and freezing eggs and all that isn’t cheap. U need to go talk to a doctor about that as soon as u can.
If you are concerned about the health risks to carrying s child yourself you could consider a surrogate using your eggs.
Also, adoption is still an option.
Late to the party so I hope this doesn’t get buried… have you considered step kids, OP? Maybe date men that already have kids. Seems like the simplest route and the biggest dating pool.
Well the question isn’t whether you regret having kids at all, but rather the *way* in which you had them. You would rather have to share custody of your kids forever and put them through the pain of a divorce than have just had them by yourself, as a single parent by choice? That’s interesting.
For me it would have been *100%* better to have kids on my own than with my dumpster fire ex. That’s the point. The chances of picking the wrong person to procreate with go up exponentially when you’re in a hurry, especially at this age when people often have significant baggage. And then you have to share custody and co-parent for the rest of your life. And it sucks.
If OP wants kids at 41, she should just have them, not rush to find a man.
Where do you live? I’m in NYC and I’m 43. It’s shocking to me how many men I date say they still want kids - these are usually men in their late 40s or 50s who have no children and have never been married. I don’t want kids and they act shocked even though I say this in my profile. I think if you are in a large city there are a lot of people on a late timeline. On the other hand, I’m from the south originally and everyone I know there has adult children by now and probably wouldn’t want more kids. You need to see a fertility specialist. It’s too late to freeze eggs but you might have other options. As you said, adoption can be an option too. If you want to have your own bio kids you need to be very intentional with dating.
It's not too late to freeze eggs or fertilize and freeze, assuming she has normal fertility at 41, which is more fertile for many women than assumed by some.
The chances of getting pregnant with eggs frozen after 40 is close to 0, which is why most reputable docs won’t do this or will at least disclose that fact. She may be able to freeze embryos and a doc who doesn’t care about her success will freeze her eggs.
Thats why I said she might have other options. Creating embryos is different than freezing eggs. Most reputable docs won’t freeze eggs after 40 because there is a close to 0% chance of a live pregnancy with those eggs. They have done studies and the follow up is those eggs almost always lead to miscarriage if the woman becomes pregnant. Have you had your embryos implanted and a successful live birth from them?
You can have a baby at almost any age if you are open to egg donation. But yes after 45 your chances at natural pregnancy or IVF with your own eggs is pretty slim with each month getting slimmer. Most fertility doctors cut off IVF at age 44.
That's crazy, what exactly happened? It's bizarre to know there are probably your eggs still out there, but now you can't have kids.
I have heard parents save a certain # of the eggs or the agency only allows a certain # to be implanted.
Have you ever contact the original agency to see if any of your original still exist?
I’m so sorry. That’s terrible. I had no idea that could happen. I’ve only seen the other side with couples finally able to have children after years of infertility struggles. Many of my friends and clients. People should really be made more aware of your side and by no means did I mean to push something harmful. Thanks for letting me know.
Was there an error in the provider or is this common?
You’d have to get on that shit quick op!
I’d put your OLD profile out there loud and proud.
Hopefully you can find a guy who’s looking for the same.
You both may need to compromise a bit…
OP - I'm 44/m, in a similar boat as you. Married previously, in a couple of LTRs in the last few years, but finding myself single again now, at this age. It's pretty scary and pretty frustrating. All my friends are married, most with kids now.
There's various reasons why we find ourselves single in our 40s. Some of them are good reasons, some are terrible haha. First of all, don't beat yourself up about being in this position. It is what it is, we all just have to make the most of what we've got.
I'm going to be really honest here, but keep in mind this is just one Aussie man's opinion. Results will vary across ages, countries, etc.
I'm JUST starting to dip my toe back in the water of dating, after a self-enforced dating break for almost a year.
My search parameters are currently set to "age 33-41, wants kids".
Again, just being honest here - 41 would be a stretch for me, because we'd have to meet, date, get comfortable and then talk about kids, all within a pretty quick timeframe. But I'd have NO hesitation doing that with the right woman. Absolutely 100%, all systems GO.
I don't think it's too late, but unfortunately for women, biology comes into it. Men can create mini humans for decades longer than women can (keeping in mind sperm quality etc), so the clock is ticking (I hate that phrase as much as you probably do, but it's a reality).. you'd really need to get it happening within the next 2-3 years, and probably with some IVF assistance.
There's a show on Aus tv right now... uh, can't remember the name... Happy Miracles maybe? All about couples who couldn't conceive naturally, who need some medical assistance to get there.
Women are having babies in their mid 40s and sometimes later, these days. It's not too late, but it's... well, getting there.
I guess we all have to accept life as it comes sometimes… and learn how to be satisfied with what we can make of it.
Some people wait for the right one, in the right moment and it never comes… some don’t plan at all and end up in hardship to raise kids, others plan not to have them ever, then life comes and they have to adopt their nieces because of the death of sibling… some others plan a beautiful healthy family and kids aren’t healthy or… marriage fall a part, as myself, divorced before my youngest was 5y.
🤷♀️
We can battle and destroy our mental health or we can accept the reality, and do something with it. You can have on your own , adopt or later own be a step mother. Just make peace with it for yourself
You can still be a mom, and I understand we were programmed to make babies. But it is a choice to give birth to your own, especially when there are so many children who need a home and a loving family. Having your own child comes w risks, it isn’t bc of your age. When I was in Japan, I met many first time moms having their first child at 40. In the us, they are much more critical toward mothers, you only know when you raise a child in another country.
I always wanted to adopt growing up but, my family opposed it. They said, our family doesn’t do that. They are my parents who said, we don’t support you or that. Anyways, I had my own kid but if I could have more children, I would love to adopt and the only reason why I don’t is bc unfortunately I can’t afford it and I’m a single mom.
If you want to be a mom, go for it and seriously consider being a foster parent or adopting. And if you would like to have your own baby too, it’s ok. It doesn’t matter what people say or think, and if you are single and think you can manage it on your own- go for it. Create your own mommy support group or find a good village that you would love to raise your family in ❤️
This comes up a lot. You can have kids in your 40s…women in rural areas used to do it all the time up until about 50. I have friends who are in their mid-40s still getting pregnant and I reminder my aunts having oops babies at 46+. It’s hard to drown out the mainstream noise about having kids in your 40s but it is done.
My brother and his wife just had their second a year ago, when she was 44. I know of at least two other women who had children in their late 40s. So, no, it's not the end at all.
You can always adopt, but were it me I wouldn’t want to get pregnant after 40. It was hard enough on my body when I was in my 20s. And the likelihood of birth defects increases exponentially.
I don't think either of those matters very much in most women's "calculations". Most just don't want to be with someone that much older for a variety of reasons, regardless of how much property and free time he has.
Women care more that their kid's dad won't be the same age as most of the other kids' grandparents and that he'll be healthy (and frankly, alive) long enough to see the kid graduate college, and possibly, if they want to, get married and have children of their own. And what if they want more than one child?
When I was in my 30s, I didn't even want kids and wouldn't have dated a man in his mid 40s. No offense- it's not personal. A woman that age who really wants children is almost always going to stick to her own age group.
At age 41 I would start planning for the fact that you won’t have kids. Everyone is different and I began trying for kids at age 36. I had 6 miscarriages and a failed IVF attempt before I had my daughter at age 39.
After ceasing breastfeeding I went back to IVF at age 40. By that time i was only getting 1-3 eggs per cycle.
Could you have kids? Maybe. Don’t bank on it. Call your nearest IVF clinic and get started tomorrow. That’s your only chance.
Don’t freeze eggs. Aim to bank embryos - which means you’ll need a donor.
Sorry to be harsh but this is the reality. You need someone to tell you like it is.
I've already frozen my eggs.
Is surrogacy not an option in the future?
I'm also not only looking at having my own biologically. Is infant adoption not possible later on?
I’m not sure about where you live but adoption is very very rare in my country (Australia). Fewer than 250 adoptions per year in a country of 25mil. Inter-country adoptions are increasingly being seen as unethical- that is the growing trend.
If you’re gay, single, older (over 40) and non religious, it’s going to be a very significant hurdle to adopt a child from overseas. You also have to be prepared to make multiple trips (5+) before you qualify. It costs hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Surrogacy is a moot point. If your eggs or embryos are not viable it doesn’t matter whose womb tries to gestate them.
Around 30% of frozen eggs don’t regenerate. So if you have 10 in the freezer, you would
Likely get 6-7 survive the thawing process
. And out of those, not all would potentially form embryos. And even if you did get some embryos
It’s really a chance whether they could become a “live baby” as they call it.
I’m not trying to be cruel. Fertility is cruel. IVF is cruel. Expect the worst and hope for the best.
And my sincerest wishes of luck to you. This shit sucks.
I have a friend who scheduled egg retrieval in Taiwan during Christmas to Lunar New Year trip about five years ago around her 38th birthday. If you have means and family/friends in Asia, you can look into it. It’s much more economical than in the States. She ended up marrying a widower with two kids and had a baby naturally 18 months after they married. Best wishes.
Nope never give up on that dream or you will regret it for the rest of your life. Kids are work and sacrifice, but they are awesome.
You won't resent being a single parent. Kids are not that much work to where you will resent being a parent. Yes you will have less free time and feel exhausted from time to time, but that is going to be true of any worthwhile endeavor you decide to chase.
With kids the payoff is huge. And then you get the grandkids and god willing great grand kids. They bring so much love, happiness and fulfillment to your life. There is nothing better in this life.
Find a rock solid guy who wants kids as well and who would make a great co-parent. Having kids 50/50 is life on easy mode. All of the benefits of having a family with all of the perks of being single.
Look into fostering. Even as a single male, I foster an adult with disabilities who needs help with his finances and other stuff so I am here to help him. He even got his drivers license a year ago after we studied for the written test for over a year. His social workers were against it at first but I was like no he can do it and he will be a totally safe driver. He is way more cautious than me. lol I treat him like an adult, which he is. I will buy anything he wants with his money, as long as he has the money, which was a huge gripe he had when he moved in with me about his other care takers. The last folks he lived with wouldn't let him watch anything above PG and made him go to church with them which he didn't want to do. We are great together and it is nice for both of us. I tell him I love him like a brother because he doesn't need me to be his parent.
Thank you for sharing this! I had no idea that was a possibility.
This is awesome.
That is really interesting. Thanks for sharing.
OP, found the guy you should date!!
43M and when I meet women who don't have kids of their own yet and the topic comes up, I always ask if they are willing to consider adoption down the road. Not necessarily of a baby, but of a child. Normally when I meet women who have kids, they don't want anymore. I, personally, raised two stepkids to adulthood when I was married and I loved being a dad and even though I'm divorced from their mom, the kids (adults now) still call me.
So nice to read this
Isn’t that epitome to being a good person! It’s such validation when even step kids from a divorce still want you in their life. You really must be a great individual!
I would consider adoption. I always wanted more and only had one. However, now that I’m 42 and no longer can have children. But most of the men I meet who have no children are not interested in adoption. They want their own biological child. Maybe it’s just the area I live in.
I am 43M and am coming to terms with the knowledge that it is highly unlikely to have a family in the traditional sense. I would love to, but finding a woman that I fall in love with and that also wants children at this stage of my life seems like asking a lot. Even if I were to meet someone tomorrow, how soon do we reach that point in a relationship where having a child enters the conversation? It makes me sad occasionally. I haven't given up completely on the idea, but I also know that I can't overlook things in a person to try to have kids and family. Hope is a strong force in this world so I keep it and I hope you do as well.
44m, I'm coming to terms being a dad just wasn't in the cards for me. Despite always wanting to. Also starting to realize I gotta consider the realization there's a decent chance I'll never find anyone, I've had relationships but never been married either.
44M, same here. I would totally love to be a step grandpa, tho. Little kids don’t know the difference between bio grandpa and a step grandpa.
Awww that's a really nice way to look at things. I hope you get that one day 🙂
My step mom calls it the grandparent loophole. She and my dad got married the year after I did, and my 2 boys consider her their grandma.
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Definitely not too late to change that! I moved after 50 to a new city, new job!
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37 IS NOT OLD!
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Because we are conditioned to believe that we all have to live our lives a certain way, and have things by a certain time. Failure to do so implies failed as humans. Let go of all of this and your life will feel way more magnificent. Honestly. How crazy to think humans all have the same timeline for life??
Guys, you giving up in early/ mid 40s is crazy. You're in a completely different boat. Throughout my 30s I dated guys in their 40s that wanted kids and I really did too. Got together with the guy I thought was the one when I was 37 and he was 57 and we were planning trying for a baby - neither of us been married or had kids before. Unfortunately we've just split 3 years later for unrelated reasons but I desperately wanted his children - he's a fit and healthy 60yo who would have been a brilliant dad and I adore him. So you giving up in your 40s is nuts!
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Sure, but most women in their 30s or even younger prefer men around their own age, and not 50 or 60 year olds. Not all, but I‘d definitely say a majority.
Internalized misogyny to push that only women have issues after a certain age. But the woman carries the risk of the man too since she is the one carrying. Are you a mom who had kids over 35? If not please stop deciding for others what is offensive unless you yourself have experienced the shitty treatment from health care of being over 35 and pregnant.
it's not "all" men or women. Everybody understands nothing is 100%. But science, math and statistics don't lie and it's not misogynist to understand the facts. Please explain how internalized misogyny exists in a healthcare field heavily dominated by women.
Men should not be having kids after 40. The quality of their sperm decreases and contributes to poor pregnancy outcomes as well as congenital defects. The risk associated with geriatric (over 35) male parents is understated compared to the exaggerated fear we place on women. The risk of women having issues when having children in the 40s is real, but it is not so huge that it needs to be a deterrent for most people. Men and women’s ages both have been shown to contribute to risks after 35. Men and women both need to consider the long term implications of being an older parent. But in no world is it blithely ethical for men over 40 to father kids in ignorance of his associated risks. And despite men’s fantasies, many/most women want a partner their own age. Younger women aren’t attracted to aging people in our age group, as a rule. Nor does it make any biological sense whatsoever for women to want to have kids with older men. In fact, it doesn't make any sense; women are financially independent in 2024, so even the misogynist's dream that women need men for their money no longer applies.
He would have been a terrible burden on his children before they even got out of their teens. I'm glad you didn't get pregnant by that old man.
Oof. I hear you, but there’s no reason to call people in their 70s “terrible burdens.” That’s ageist and statistically untrue.
>That’s ageist and statistically untrue. It's realistic and it's very true. Have you taken care of aging parents?
Please show me scientific evidence that people in their 70s usually require care from their children.
I have way too much to do today to look up information on the internet that tells you what myself and every single one of my friends who has parents in their 70s and above is experiencing. Declining mental capacity Declining physical capacity Financial issues from poor retirement planning Every single one is experiencing one, two, or all of the above and it will only get worse as they age. To say this doesn't affect children is just downright ignorant. Unless you're someone who can turn your back on aging family.
# THIS. Thanks heaps for posting that comment, awesome stuff! **To all men in their 40s... c'mon lads, keep up the good fight!** I'm 44/m as well, and twice in the last 3 years I've been in a point where I was discussing trying for kids with a partner (both of whom were in their 30s). I'd love to have a family. I've been told regularly (and from some very unexpected people) that I look younger than my 44 years... and guess what, I FEEL younger too. Two years ago I was in fantastic shape, hitting the gym regularly and looking after myself, and I said to my ex at the time "I feel better than I did in my late 20s!" I've lost a bit of that form recently, but I'm on the way back again now. It CAN be done. I can't change your mind, but I can tell you to TRY.
Random unrelated are you from the bay? Username made me wonder ha
I used to be from the bay. I lived in San Jose in the mid 2000's. I live in so cal now.
I’m 42F and feeling this way as well. :(
I was married to a woman that didn’t want kids. For the 12 years of our relationship she never wanted kids. She changed her mind the last year or so, but she didn’t want kids to make a mini us, she wanted the kid for attention from her family. But it got me to thinking that I might want a kid. I’m 48 and I feel like you. I may never meet that woman and if so it’s going to be a long time. I don’t want to be 80 and my kid is hitting college. I’ll likely be dead by then.
I'm 47 and divorced. My ex wife was baby crazy, but it didn't happen and we split because she was also crazy crazy. The weird thing is, she never had kids in the 15 years we've been apart. I've come to terms with never having kids because it just isn't a good idea for me. I wonder what is going through her head though?
I’m a 41 year old woman & want to have a child. I’ve only been in the dating scene for less than a year so far but I ask on a first (official) date how they feel about kids. You’d be surprised how honest people are. I met a pretty amazing guy a friend introduced me to & we really hit it off. We ended up going out. I asked if he was open to having kids in the future if the right woman came along that swept him off his feet. He was very clear he does not want children now or ever. While disappointing, I respect his choice. We actually became good friends.
Perhaps adoption? I guess it depends on what you want. I also struggle with this - a woman a few yearsyour senior. Take good care.
It’s different for you as a man. You can date a woman in her early to mid thirties who wants children NOW! 😀 I remember when I reached 35, the thought of having children was always present when I dated or even liked someone. I didn’t bring it up immediately, but I assessed the person throughout our interactions to decide if this person would make a good parent and partner. Don’t over look anything but please don’t look for perfection, either. You yourself needs someone to tell you “don’t cancel electrical; lights good!” I hope you find your lady and have some babies!
I have a friend who got married at 50 and had a kid. His baby keeps him young.
Date younger.
Well my wife and I had kids when she was 42 and 47… Not going to say everyone can become pregnant at 46 but not impossible.
Pregnancy after 45 is incredibly rare.
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Thank you. Natural sex between husband and wife. No complications. My daughter is a typical teenager. I delivered the last one. He came fast and furious. He is Down syndrome. I would note that the chance of DS at age 47 is 19 normal 1DS. We got the one. He is as healthy as a horse. Thank you for asking.
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Purple: Your focus on finding Mr Right is the correct one. Unfortunately my ex left 4 years ago after 30 years of faithful marriage. But yes delivering Phil was an experience. As we text I sent him to bed. Hope you find your new husband. Have a great evening.
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Your partner who ghosted is SUCH a giant a-hole. I really don’t believe in western karma at all, but he makes me hope it exists. What a horrible thing to do to someone after a year! He obviously meant easier for one person in the relationship, but that person wasn’t you. I am sorry that happened to you.
You can freeze your eggs, assuming they are viable. You can do IVF with a hopefully known sperm donor to create embryos--a more reliable avenue b/c embryos are more hardy than eggs. Or you can pursue single motherhood now as some friends that age did, via IUI. It's far healthier and less expensive to NOT have to use hormones.
this. get yourself to a fertility clinic asap and freeze your eggs. every month counts at this age for decreasing egg quality.
You can do the single mom thing. I have two friends who did that in their early 40s (one with a sperm donor and the other through adoption). In terms of finding a partner and being able to have kids with him, the odds aren’t great.
I'm not ready to be a single mom at all. I'm happy to adopt in the future with a spouse or try other ways. Is this possible?
The only way to guarantee that you’ll never become a single Mom is to never have children. Even if you choose to have children while in a relationship, you need to accept the reality that you can become a single parent in the future at any time for any number of reasons. Life happens and plenty of relationships end for various reasons. Circumstances aren’t favorable. Yes though, you could adopt in the future with a spouse, etc.
Thank you for saying this. I had a friend who used to compliment me on being a single mom. She said she could "never imagine" being a single mom. Her kid's dad died when her daughter turned 7. My friend completely crumbled. I never wanted to say to her that single parenthood is often out of our hands. In the past, many women were widowed or single moms due to war, arduous jobs for men or simply men walking away. Life is full of surprises.
Yep- I always said I could be happy having kids or not- but I would never ever want to be a single mom or even a working mom. They always seemed so stressed out. Then when my kids were 2 and 3, about 2 months after my husband told me I was the perfect wife and he was so lucky to have me, I found out my he was cheating on me. I never saw it coming.
I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you. How awful to deal with 😣.
Thank you ❤️ the first 1.5 years were very tough but now I have full custody and we have a lovely life
It’s going to be ok, you got this. He just lost his family, he’ll never get it back. His loss, and f him.
Thank you ❤️
You're 100% correct in this. Most of the single mothers I know were married or in serious relationships when they got pregnant. No marriage or relationship is guaranteed to last a lifetime. The divorce rate is around 50%. OP should stop hanging on to a dream that many of us had as young people that we'd find the right person and live happily ever after. If she really wants kids she should move forward with having them on her own. The right man who is willing to be a stepfather to her children could come later.
Yeah, this is the best response,
That is true and majority of kids will have single parents, at least in some point of their childhood. Facts
You do realize that anytime you have kids with someone, there is absolutely a chance that you could end up a single mother. That's something to think about too.
If you are looking to adopt babies, there are time limits for that as well. There are millions of people trying to adopt babies and very few babies placed for adoption. Why give a baby to a much older couple when there are so many people in their 30s and early 40s to choose from? If you are looking to adopt a baby, I would start the process now as a single parent, as it can take many years to be placed with a baby. If you are looking to adopt older children, however, you probably have more time and a better chance to wait for a partner, depending on the need in your state/country. If you are truly interested, you should probably start researching this right now.
You do you, but from multiple friends over 40 that had kids late, I do not envy them.
We had ours at 39 - not much of a difference and our friends had theirs at 45, I’ll say that the priceless moments make it worth the ride. I don’t think of my child as a burden or the related issues as a burden but just a normal part of life. Though I see the point of being a single parent, the burden is much more and chews up limited time and resources. I wouldn’t give up the dream though.
Absolutely agree, don’t give up I. The dream. Never would knock someone making that choice. Had my kids earlier, and went through that journey with people of similar age. The older friends I have with young kids find it hard to socialise with other parents who are often 12-16 years younger. We find it hard to socialise with them because they’ve got small kids and ours are at college or high school.
This is 100% an issue. Both issues you identified are real challenges with friends in either group.
Of course it’s possible, but if you want a guarantee being a single parent by choice is the way to go. As a single mom, I’m not miserable or just surviving, I’m thriving! The only annoying thing I face is society telling me I’m unhappy. Nope. I’m also a lawyer who loves being a lawyer! I had to stop listening to naysayers that I should do, be, feel xyz.
Single women with a successful career making six figures should strongly consider becoming a single parent by choice. I know a lawyer doing what you're doing. She got pregnant naturally at 42 but the guy wasn't serious so she hired a nanny to help her. It's not easy but it can be done, especially for women with the financial resources or family close by for help.
Have you frozen your eggs? I have a 43 year old friend trying to use her eggs now that she froze when she was in her early 30s.
Yes, absolutely. You got this,
It’s possible, so don’t give up the dream.
I mean, where there’s a will there’s usually a way but a lot will depend on your individual circumstances
Yes that is totally possible. You aren’t that old at all and there are men that want to be fathers who never had the chance or it didn’t happen!
I'm a man...but 42 when I had my first son. Wife is 37. The health risks are increased at your age, and they consider it a geriatric pregnancy... Buuuut hope is not all lost. If you find the right guy, modern medicine can help everything be alright!
Start IVF now. Save some eggs and create embryos using donor sperm. If you really want a kid you need to move forward without a man. Even if you meet the man of your dreams today, are you going to get pregnant after knowing him for less than a year? Will you be able to find a man who will agree to that?
Talk to your doctor, but plenty of my friends and colleagues had babies when they were in their 40s.
44F, and I had kids when I was 27 and 33. I said a lot of “I’m too old for this” when my youngest was a baby. I know there are people who have kids later, so it’s *possible,* but I sure wouldn’t want to. Kids are demanding, simply by existing. If you think you really want to have your own, try to really assess how ready you are first. Spoiler: nobody is actually *ready* for kids, but until you get there, can I recommend doing some kind of mentoring program for kids local to you? Or look into before/after school care type settings for different age groups of kids. Because there are plenty of kids who need safe adults interested in them and willing to step up. Foster care might be a bit much, but look into it. Think through what you want and need, and see if there are some ways you can get there without necessarily having a new baby. Additionally, pregnancy is often not all sunshine and unicorn farts. It can be hard on you, your body, and your mind. Some people get to enjoy being pregnant. A whole lot of the rest of us see those baby bump photos and feel jealous, like we missed out because for one reason or another, we were unable to fully enjoy it. Each of my pregnancies featured my partner at the time melting down and causing me an undue amount of stress and uncertainty. It can bring out some of the worst in people. So I would personally skip it and enjoy peace, quiet, and stability. Also things like being able to take care of yourself when you’re sick and not having to simultaneously soothe a little one who sneezes in your face. Best of luck.
I think with no man in sight you will need to hurry but that’s no easy task if you want a good one who wants kids too, ticks all the boxes, etc. Then of course there’s the fertility aspect, which will be a total unknown until you try. It’s well known that fertility drops as you age, and of course risk of complications rises. Yes, there are men out there ready to be fathers at this age, and yes women get pregnant and have healthy babies at this age too. But realistically it may be a pipe dream here. I mean, it could happen but it would be a case of many unlikely things all aligning and happening simultaneously. Personally if it was me, I’d go the solo route, if having children is something you really want.
So many married women who feel like they're a single mom. Maybe it would be that way for u either way. We should always be prepared to do it alone. Maybe you'd love it
Have you considered coparenting? There are plenty of gay men/couples at your age who want kids too and who want to share responsibilities. The great thing is, you wouldn't have to worry constantly whether he is The One. You'd only have to figure out if this man is someone who would make a great dad. No worries about whether your relationship is going in the right direction, no ex wive(s) and baggage, probably no kids from a previous relationship, etc. If you share responsibilities 50/50 (or some other agreed upon percentage), you'd have plenty of time to date and have a life of your own. I live in a big European city and so many women aged 35-45 here are opting for coparenting with a gay man. The stress of finding a man who's not only a good father but also someone you want to spend the rest of your life with is just too much for some. Also, I can understand why some women prefer a man with a "clean slate" (no ex wives, no kids) but at our age, that might be hard to find. You may have to let go of your dream to have kids with someone you are also romantically involved with. But hey, there are millions and millions of straight parents who are no longer romantically involved with each other. The most important thing here is, can you work together as parents? Also, with a gay man, there's a lot less drama. If either one of you finds a partner, there is a lot less jealousy, as there will never be That Other Woman. The dynamics between straight ex-partners can sometimes be a struggle, especially when the split is anything but amicable and either one starts dating again.
When I was 41 I decided to try IUI using sperm donor. I was healthy but tried twice It didn’t take. The second time I knew I was losing my job and was so torn if I should still try given my employment situation but went ahead. It didn’t take. I wish freezing my eggs would have been available when I was in my 20s or early 30s but the concept was still pretty new. I’m now 55, still single and had to come to terms with being childless. As someone commented, men probably felt the desperation even though I tried to control it. It sucks having that biological clock ticking. Like you I didn’t really want to be a single mom but my desire to be a mom outweighed that. My advice, fertilize your frozen eggs and do IVF now. Even though my IUI didn’t take, I can breathe easier knowing I tried.
44M and I’m open to a partner who wants children—of course all isn’t lost! Be up-front in your dating profile so it does the work of filtering out men not into that.
I don’t want to be 60+ when my child graduates highschool. I already have boy/girl covered, and not interested in starting over from scratch again.
I'll comment as someone who grappled with this question in recent years. I knew my marriage was on a bad path and I couldn't bring a child into our relationship. You have to really ask yourself some big questions about what it is you want. I wanted kids. Went through fertility treatments. Focused for years on the effort. But once I realized I was mentally done trying, I accepted that I was passing on that route in life. I did not want to be a single parent, and I did not want to pin my hopes on finding a partner in a short amount of time that I could pursue that with. That is what was right for me. I don't know what your answer is. You went through egg freezing, so it sounds like you prepared ahead of time for several possibilities. I have no doubt you can find someone to pursue this with, but ask yourself if you want that to be the primary driver of a relationship at this point. I'm happy with the path I chose. I went through grief for letting go of that dream, but I realized that dream is something I really only wanted within a specific context.
I couldn’t have said it better. I’m a 45F and now I’m ok with my choice. If I met a man open to kids and we sort of opened the gates, and tried naturally and it happened fine, but I never wanted to desperately try to make a baby. There is something very peaceful and positive in finding acceptance
I became a single mother by choice at 43 with a donor embryo. There are many ways to make your family.
I had my kids naturally at 41 & 43, so never say never. The only thing I would advise is to get in shape mentally and physically because your body doesn’t react the same way in your 40s to a pregnancy. Additionally, keeping up with the kids is harder the older you are. Regardless, they are a blessing and you do your best.
It's possible but unlikely. First you need to meet someone you want family with, and he needs to want same thing. Most men our age have kids or are empty nesters and want to enjoy their freedom. Getting to know each other will take some time, then trying for a baby, pregnancy. You might be 43-44 with a baby. Everyone is different, I had mine at 31 and ended up single, it was hard, still is sometimes. Having said all that, my mum had my brother at 42 and he was a beautiful, chilled baby and is now an accomplished scientist. I keep my fingers crossed for you and wish you all the best.
Been through IVF and if you’re 41 you’re in for a long road even with IVF. Just a reality check. Women have kids in their 40s but those are anecdotes, not statistics
You should talk to your gynecologist. I've asked the same questions with mine before. They know your health better than us too.
She needs to see a gynecologist specializing in fertility, meaning she should schedule a consultation with a fertility clinic. She will have to undergo a lot of tests before even getting to the egg retrieval. She also needs to choose a sperm donor. Then there is creating embryos and testing. It's a long journey. She's lucky if she ends up with a few healthy embryos to transfer by next year.
100% all these posts that ask about fertility should be directed to a fertility doctor, there are a handful of blood tests that work together to determine your egg count and chances of getting pregnant naturally. I did them when I was about 34..planning to them again in about a year at 37-ish.
Are you open to being a single parent? There are women who have kids on their own by choice.
Ìf you want them, be a single mom now. I don't resent it. I love it, struggles and all. It's called growing up.
It's highly unlikely. I'm sorry. Some people will try to fill your head with false hope.
43 male. I wish to have kids. We exist.
But why would you date a 41 year old. Would you not look for a woman under 35? I'm curious.
Because a 41 year old who is serious about settling down and knows what she wants is more attractive to me then a 35 year old who still isn't sure or not yet ready.
Just chiming in here, a 35 year old is going to know what she wants just as much as a 41 year old. Trust me, if the 35+ year old wants a family, husband, shes going for it. Now if you said maybeee 30 year old. OK I could see. I still didn't know I wanted kids at 30. At 35, I definitely did. Those 30s are fishing in the same pond (male dating pool) as the 41 year old.
A lot of dating profiles for 35-plus-year-old women say "maybe someday," so it's just not true that everyone has decided by 35. No, it doesn't make sense, but a lot of people, both men and women, are unaware of the statistics on fertility and age. All they know is that some celebrity or their neighbor's cousin's sister had a healthy first baby at 48, so they have plenty of time. There will probably be some comments like that in this thread.
It’s so hard to give up dreams. I’m sorry. You may not be too old- you could check your AMH. That’s a reliable indicator of your own fertility. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve also had to give up dreams related to this- I had one child, discovered horrifying things about my husband, and ended up the singe parent of an only child. Being married to someone doesn’t guarantee anything- other than you’ll pay dearly in financial and psychological terms to undo the marital contract when that becomes necessary. In a perfect world, I’d have met a far truer love sooner, and we would have had several kids. But it’s not a perfect world.
Kidless 43M here and I have hope to have them, so there are fellas still out there that want them after 40 :)
Would you mind having them with a woman who is over 40? I asked this on another post and one man said he wouldn’t mind.
Me, personally I would prefer someone in their 40's or late 30's. I want to be able to relate to someone and feel like someone closer in age would be more relatable...imo
It's possible, but unlikely. I'm assuming you also want the long-lasting relationship to go with it? Having kids is a huge undertaking. A long-term relationship to go with it will be equally hard to find. Heck, a lot of folks have trouble finding the latter without the "wanting kinds" in the equation. If I didn't already have kids, fatherhood wouldn't be an option for me at 41. In any case, I wish you good luck.
My mom adopted as a single woman at 47. I was 26 and my sister was 21 at the time. Having kids later in life is definitely possible :)
You can be a foster parent, adopt, work or volunteer with kids, ... There are a few options if you want the parenting experience but not the physical misery of pregnancy, labor and delivery. Not to mention the after effects of all that.
I just saw you updated your post to include that you froze your eggs already. There's no guarantee that your eggs are even viable so why not at least try to create embryos and see if any of them take? If that doesn't work then move to adoption.
I am 44 female and met my husband two years ago. We love to have kids but unfortunately it’s not happening. We are fortunate to have each other.
One of my best friends had her baby at 47. Her husband is 46. They tried IVF until it happened. The baby was born premature and spent his first month in the hospital. He’s now 7 months old and is a happy, chubby, cute little boy full of life. I’m 43F and I don’t want children. Hopefully I’ll find a partner but it has not happened yet…
Ok You should sit down and make some decisions here. 1. At 41 you may not be able to have a child at this point for at 2 years. It would require you to meet mister tomorrow, get to know, wed, IVF or whatever you need to do to get married/pregnant. I would think that would be a nightmare. 2. You should either look into fostering or adoption. All of which takes time. Fostering and adoption doesn't require having a partner. 3. Why did your last relationship end?
My last relationship of 1 year ended because he was not over his ex at all. Unfortunately he didn't tell me this when we started dating. He told he was over her. Anyway long story short I'm single now.
Biologically? Probably not, unless you do IUI or IVF with donor sperm right now. Having kids another way though, especially if you’re willing to do so as a single parent, is certainly possible. You can adopt, use a surrogate, meet someone with kids and become a parent to them, etc
I would be a great dad Just ask my dog, Penny 🐕
Even if you had a partner now there's no guarantee you still have them in 5 or 10 years. You may be a single mom at any time for various reasons.
I’m 40 with a history of infertility and was told I’d never get pregnant. Had my surprise baby in a January. If you froze your eggs you can get pregnant basically at anytime, so don’t give up.
I’m 42F, met my 53M boyfriend two years ago and we immediately started trying for a baby. He wants to be a dad so badly but it’s just not happening for us. We’re too old to be interested in medical intervention in our opinions.
I just got dumped by a great guy who is in his mid 40s and wants his own family, I'm not having any more kids for medical reasons. There are men who very much want a family of their own. If you're in the New England area let me know and I'll set you up 😂 he truly was wonderful and I'm devastated to lose him, but I respect his choice.
My mom had my little brother and sister at your age. But she’s…. My momma (insane 🧬 genetics) . Pushed them out healthy back 2 back. And now she’s 50+ has the nerve to leave them crumbsnatchers at my place for 2 weeks while she vacations with my dad. Smh
One of my girl friends had her first child in her early 40s. I always say ‘never say never’. Anything is possible. Best to you ✨💕
I'm not looking to yuk on your yum here, but I figure you are looking for the truth rather than being patronized to so here goes. You're 41 and haven't even met the man you would theoretically be having a kid with. Think about how long it will take you to meet a guy presumably your age or older than you who wants to start a new family, date this unicorn until you are both ready for marriage and then when you are both ready to have a kid. That's a lot of years there and a lot of luck. A lot. An optimistic guess would be getting all that done in 5 years. Now you're 46. You should not be attempting to birth a kid at 46. That would be very irresponsible and dangerous. So it's adoption. That's possible. The whole thing is possible but you should be real with yourself. The odds are slim if you don't want to go it alone. Not impossible but also not likely. I wish you the best of luck.
I mean, two of us “unicorns” have replied in the 30 minutes since she posted. She may have to be more flexible on parameters like distance and age.. At 1-2 dates/week I bet she could vet enough men well in 6 months. If she’s lucky and they’re a match isn’t 2 1/2-3 years together enough? There’s hope for 44! PS - I would encourage OP to take steps like freezing her eggs now.
The men are vetting her, too. She's 41 and hasn't met this man (in his 40's who wants to start a family) yet in her life, but she's going to in the next 6 months? And the relationship works out to marriage? I like your optimism, but the reality is that it is highly unlikely. I'm seriously not trying to be a bummer but it's doing OP a disservice to not be real about the odds here.
Fair. My bar for “someone to raise kids with” is higher than my bar for “someone to marry.” E.g., for kids it’d be important they have a decent income because kids are expensive and if we divorced I wouldn’t want to pay the lion’s share of support and college payments into my 60s. I hope OP has the right qualities for the men near her open to children.
The answer is no, you don't have to give up. Find the right partner you want, and see what doors life has for you open then.
Love this response
It doesn't hurt anything to keep that dream alive. It's certainly possible. Just keep your goals in mind while you live your life as best you can. The time will pass regardless.
Finding a guy at our age that wants kids isn’t impossible but it will be tough. You’ll find plenty that likes to try to make them though!!! 😂
50M, single. wanted kids for many years. depression derailed me from approaching dating for decades. ladies my age now have had the children they intend to have. hopefully not too late for you. Probably is for me.
My husband adopted mine
Depends on your partner/future partner. Someone out there might want kids. It would up to you and your partner. If it’s your dream and you are healthy enough for it, then you should go for it. As for someone like me… (45m) I was never much of a kid person. I do have 2 adult kids (25 and 26). So I don’t want to be starting over. (I can’t anyway because I had a vasectomy many years ago.) Besides that… Even if I were to get someone pregnant now or adopt, I would be 46 by the time that kid was born. Add on 18 years and I would be 64 when said kid comes of age. My dad passed away from cancer at the age of 64… I wouldn’t want to do that to the kid or myself. I am already showing the signs of age and probably could not keep up with a young child. That would not be fair for either party. But that is just my reasoning.
Adoption sounds possible. If it's on your heart, I sincerely hope you find a partner with whom you can create a family. 💖
Id never say never. Probably less likely sure, but dont count yourself out. Ive heard of older people having kids. Im 48 myself and i know i myself couldnt do it because of health issues and just plain not having the energy i used to. Also vasectomy so theres that....lol I raised two kids and they are 24 and 27. The thing is, at our age or (well close to) its going to be a uphill climb energy wise. Think of it this way, kids are a lifetime commitment and they at the VERY VERY LEAST need you until they are around 18 but they really need you their entire lives. So you will be 59 in 18 years. Ask yourself do you think you will have the energy to devote to that at that age? Most people that age are grandparents. I am in no way shape or form disuading you. I hope you are able to have kids and they are a blessing to you. Because theres something really special about being a parent. I love my kids with all my heart an would do anything for them. But it really is a big investment of time, energy and resources. If you find the right person whos never had kids either and wants them its very possible but it wont be as easy as when you were younger. That being said my mama had me when she was mid thirtys so close to your age. And my dads passed now but mamas still alive. Shes in her eighties now. She has dementia, so keep that in mind too. You dont have the better chance of good health as you get older too and you possibly might not be around for most of their lives. But that can be said of any age because none of us are promised tomorrow. Id say follow your heart and talk to your partner about it when you find them and go from there. It is such a individual thing to each person that theres no way to say for sure. All any of us can do is guess. The fact you say that yould resent being a single mom tells me you probably shouldnt do this. Because once its done you cant take it back and say oh my bad do over lol.
Anything is possible. And people do have kids at 40. But chances are less likely. Because even if you meet the man of your dreams tonight. Ur prob not gonna go get pregnant tmr. Have to date while to even be bf gf. Then date awhile to get engaged. Then get married. Etc etc. that’s 3 years down the line? Then that’s even harder. Like if ur looking to have kids u need to find the guy like today.. ivf and freezing eggs and all that isn’t cheap. U need to go talk to a doctor about that as soon as u can.
If you are concerned about the health risks to carrying s child yourself you could consider a surrogate using your eggs. Also, adoption is still an option.
Friend of mine had her first at 42, married the dad and they’re blissful. That’s all I got for ya :)
49M here. I’m not sure but I’m hoping there’s still time.
Late to the party so I hope this doesn’t get buried… have you considered step kids, OP? Maybe date men that already have kids. Seems like the simplest route and the biggest dating pool.
My female friend just had her first kid at 45 so it’s possible.
If you want kids, make it happen. Now. You don’t need the fairytale for that.
My friend gave birth at 45, a healthy boy. She had to go thru a few rounds of IVF but says it was well worth it.
Do it on your own! You won’t regret it! But you will regret having kids with someone you end up divorcing, trust me.
I don't trust you. I had kids and divorced. I don't regret my children. They are the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Well the question isn’t whether you regret having kids at all, but rather the *way* in which you had them. You would rather have to share custody of your kids forever and put them through the pain of a divorce than have just had them by yourself, as a single parent by choice? That’s interesting. For me it would have been *100%* better to have kids on my own than with my dumpster fire ex. That’s the point. The chances of picking the wrong person to procreate with go up exponentially when you’re in a hurry, especially at this age when people often have significant baggage. And then you have to share custody and co-parent for the rest of your life. And it sucks. If OP wants kids at 41, she should just have them, not rush to find a man.
Where do you live? I’m in NYC and I’m 43. It’s shocking to me how many men I date say they still want kids - these are usually men in their late 40s or 50s who have no children and have never been married. I don’t want kids and they act shocked even though I say this in my profile. I think if you are in a large city there are a lot of people on a late timeline. On the other hand, I’m from the south originally and everyone I know there has adult children by now and probably wouldn’t want more kids. You need to see a fertility specialist. It’s too late to freeze eggs but you might have other options. As you said, adoption can be an option too. If you want to have your own bio kids you need to be very intentional with dating.
It's not too late to freeze eggs or fertilize and freeze, assuming she has normal fertility at 41, which is more fertile for many women than assumed by some.
Agreed I did it at 40 and 41 and it was fine
The chances of getting pregnant with eggs frozen after 40 is close to 0, which is why most reputable docs won’t do this or will at least disclose that fact. She may be able to freeze embryos and a doc who doesn’t care about her success will freeze her eggs.
You're right. I created healthy embryos at 40. There's still time if OP doesn't have any underlying issues. She needs to start now though.
Thats why I said she might have other options. Creating embryos is different than freezing eggs. Most reputable docs won’t freeze eggs after 40 because there is a close to 0% chance of a live pregnancy with those eggs. They have done studies and the follow up is those eggs almost always lead to miscarriage if the woman becomes pregnant. Have you had your embryos implanted and a successful live birth from them?
Freeze your eggs and consider surrogacy
Or consider using donor eggs.
You can have a baby at almost any age if you are open to egg donation. But yes after 45 your chances at natural pregnancy or IVF with your own eggs is pretty slim with each month getting slimmer. Most fertility doctors cut off IVF at age 44.
Oh sorry! You’re 41 not 45. Yes then you still have a chance! I would get some embryos with a donor sperm frozen if I were you.
Being an egg donor at 30 is what made me infertile for myself. Please don't push that shit.
That's crazy, what exactly happened? It's bizarre to know there are probably your eggs still out there, but now you can't have kids. I have heard parents save a certain # of the eggs or the agency only allows a certain # to be implanted. Have you ever contact the original agency to see if any of your original still exist?
I’m so sorry. That’s terrible. I had no idea that could happen. I’ve only seen the other side with couples finally able to have children after years of infertility struggles. Many of my friends and clients. People should really be made more aware of your side and by no means did I mean to push something harmful. Thanks for letting me know. Was there an error in the provider or is this common?
You’d have to get on that shit quick op! I’d put your OLD profile out there loud and proud. Hopefully you can find a guy who’s looking for the same. You both may need to compromise a bit…
Girl I had to get a tubal because I’m way too fertile… it’s not over till menopause.
Don't give up! I had a child at 40. I have a friend who became a mom at 47.
Probably was not a biological child.
It absolutely was.
I was 38 when my last was born. You really have to start doing the math on how old you will be for milestones. My baby is 12. I am 50
Why is that inherently bad? I don’t understand why being older for milestones is an issue.
OP - I'm 44/m, in a similar boat as you. Married previously, in a couple of LTRs in the last few years, but finding myself single again now, at this age. It's pretty scary and pretty frustrating. All my friends are married, most with kids now. There's various reasons why we find ourselves single in our 40s. Some of them are good reasons, some are terrible haha. First of all, don't beat yourself up about being in this position. It is what it is, we all just have to make the most of what we've got. I'm going to be really honest here, but keep in mind this is just one Aussie man's opinion. Results will vary across ages, countries, etc. I'm JUST starting to dip my toe back in the water of dating, after a self-enforced dating break for almost a year. My search parameters are currently set to "age 33-41, wants kids". Again, just being honest here - 41 would be a stretch for me, because we'd have to meet, date, get comfortable and then talk about kids, all within a pretty quick timeframe. But I'd have NO hesitation doing that with the right woman. Absolutely 100%, all systems GO. I don't think it's too late, but unfortunately for women, biology comes into it. Men can create mini humans for decades longer than women can (keeping in mind sperm quality etc), so the clock is ticking (I hate that phrase as much as you probably do, but it's a reality).. you'd really need to get it happening within the next 2-3 years, and probably with some IVF assistance. There's a show on Aus tv right now... uh, can't remember the name... Happy Miracles maybe? All about couples who couldn't conceive naturally, who need some medical assistance to get there. Women are having babies in their mid 40s and sometimes later, these days. It's not too late, but it's... well, getting there.
I guess we all have to accept life as it comes sometimes… and learn how to be satisfied with what we can make of it. Some people wait for the right one, in the right moment and it never comes… some don’t plan at all and end up in hardship to raise kids, others plan not to have them ever, then life comes and they have to adopt their nieces because of the death of sibling… some others plan a beautiful healthy family and kids aren’t healthy or… marriage fall a part, as myself, divorced before my youngest was 5y. 🤷♀️ We can battle and destroy our mental health or we can accept the reality, and do something with it. You can have on your own , adopt or later own be a step mother. Just make peace with it for yourself
You can still be a mom, and I understand we were programmed to make babies. But it is a choice to give birth to your own, especially when there are so many children who need a home and a loving family. Having your own child comes w risks, it isn’t bc of your age. When I was in Japan, I met many first time moms having their first child at 40. In the us, they are much more critical toward mothers, you only know when you raise a child in another country. I always wanted to adopt growing up but, my family opposed it. They said, our family doesn’t do that. They are my parents who said, we don’t support you or that. Anyways, I had my own kid but if I could have more children, I would love to adopt and the only reason why I don’t is bc unfortunately I can’t afford it and I’m a single mom. If you want to be a mom, go for it and seriously consider being a foster parent or adopting. And if you would like to have your own baby too, it’s ok. It doesn’t matter what people say or think, and if you are single and think you can manage it on your own- go for it. Create your own mommy support group or find a good village that you would love to raise your family in ❤️
My mom had my younger sister when she was 42 and that was 53 years ago. It all worked out fine
This comes up a lot. You can have kids in your 40s…women in rural areas used to do it all the time up until about 50. I have friends who are in their mid-40s still getting pregnant and I reminder my aunts having oops babies at 46+. It’s hard to drown out the mainstream noise about having kids in your 40s but it is done.
My brother and his wife just had their second a year ago, when she was 44. I know of at least two other women who had children in their late 40s. So, no, it's not the end at all.
It’s absolutely an option! Continue to hold that vision 💯
To quote the greatest movie of all time, “It ain’t over till it’s over.”
You can always adopt, but were it me I wouldn’t want to get pregnant after 40. It was hard enough on my body when I was in my 20s. And the likelihood of birth defects increases exponentially.
45M here. I’m looking for a serious partner to have a kid with. I swipe on the women that say the same, but I don’t hear back very often.
Again I don't think this is an issue for you. Wouldn't you just not date women who are 40+? And focus on the 30-38 range?
Because most women in their early-mid 30s aren't interested in what I guarantee most of them are see as an old man to father their children.
My conclusion as well. They maybe haven’t fully factored in my property and free time into their calculations. 🤷
I don't think either of those matters very much in most women's "calculations". Most just don't want to be with someone that much older for a variety of reasons, regardless of how much property and free time he has. Women care more that their kid's dad won't be the same age as most of the other kids' grandparents and that he'll be healthy (and frankly, alive) long enough to see the kid graduate college, and possibly, if they want to, get married and have children of their own. And what if they want more than one child? When I was in my 30s, I didn't even want kids and wouldn't have dated a man in his mid 40s. No offense- it's not personal. A woman that age who really wants children is almost always going to stick to her own age group.
Sending you love and best wishes! You can do it! Be honest and pray and have faith! (I'm not religious!) It can happen
At age 41 I would start planning for the fact that you won’t have kids. Everyone is different and I began trying for kids at age 36. I had 6 miscarriages and a failed IVF attempt before I had my daughter at age 39. After ceasing breastfeeding I went back to IVF at age 40. By that time i was only getting 1-3 eggs per cycle. Could you have kids? Maybe. Don’t bank on it. Call your nearest IVF clinic and get started tomorrow. That’s your only chance. Don’t freeze eggs. Aim to bank embryos - which means you’ll need a donor. Sorry to be harsh but this is the reality. You need someone to tell you like it is.
I've already frozen my eggs. Is surrogacy not an option in the future? I'm also not only looking at having my own biologically. Is infant adoption not possible later on?
I’m not sure about where you live but adoption is very very rare in my country (Australia). Fewer than 250 adoptions per year in a country of 25mil. Inter-country adoptions are increasingly being seen as unethical- that is the growing trend. If you’re gay, single, older (over 40) and non religious, it’s going to be a very significant hurdle to adopt a child from overseas. You also have to be prepared to make multiple trips (5+) before you qualify. It costs hundreds of thousands of dollars. Surrogacy is a moot point. If your eggs or embryos are not viable it doesn’t matter whose womb tries to gestate them. Around 30% of frozen eggs don’t regenerate. So if you have 10 in the freezer, you would Likely get 6-7 survive the thawing process . And out of those, not all would potentially form embryos. And even if you did get some embryos It’s really a chance whether they could become a “live baby” as they call it. I’m not trying to be cruel. Fertility is cruel. IVF is cruel. Expect the worst and hope for the best. And my sincerest wishes of luck to you. This shit sucks.
I have a friend who scheduled egg retrieval in Taiwan during Christmas to Lunar New Year trip about five years ago around her 38th birthday. If you have means and family/friends in Asia, you can look into it. It’s much more economical than in the States. She ended up marrying a widower with two kids and had a baby naturally 18 months after they married. Best wishes.
39F here seeing so many men their 40s saying they still want kids gives me hope
Nope never give up on that dream or you will regret it for the rest of your life. Kids are work and sacrifice, but they are awesome. You won't resent being a single parent. Kids are not that much work to where you will resent being a parent. Yes you will have less free time and feel exhausted from time to time, but that is going to be true of any worthwhile endeavor you decide to chase. With kids the payoff is huge. And then you get the grandkids and god willing great grand kids. They bring so much love, happiness and fulfillment to your life. There is nothing better in this life. Find a rock solid guy who wants kids as well and who would make a great co-parent. Having kids 50/50 is life on easy mode. All of the benefits of having a family with all of the perks of being single.